#all of those more childlike traits was what made these characters so real and loved and they took that away wtf

[sirofreak]

Hello atla fandom here are my thoughts about the live action series

[wickjump]

What's your opinion on Bitties

Like

Are they more pets??? People??? People you keep as pets???

Would it be morally okay for a bitty killer and normal sized Cross to date???

Idk I just want your opinion on this please please please please please please please

I love bitties. They are my favorite thing ever and I’m in the middle of drawing my sona with them actually. As for morality and how I view bitties, it’s different compared to a lot of peoples’ interpretations.

I personally like to view them as pets without sentience higher than that of a dog or cat, but that’s just me. I don’t feel personally comfortable with the idea of ‘owning’ another human being, so oftentimes I make them animalistic—physically, too. Long skeletal tails, while they can be bipedal they’re just as often quadrupeds and often sit like quadrupeds, have those rat-like feet you see everywhere, little paws and paw pads, and don’t have the ability to speak. And I would never date a bitty or anything, especially because of those animalistic traits. Zero way for them to consent because they don’t have that type of communication. Though most of the time I draw them standing/sitting like ‘normal’ people because quadrupeds are the one thing I can’t draw.

They’re a type of pet that resemble characters I like, in my opinion. Both in looks and temperament. Though I also toy with the idea of them being more ‘human-like’ because it can be fun, I get uncomfortable easily depending on how they’re treated or the worldbuilding surrounding them. I like personally comparing them to rats because they scurry around like rats and got tails and feet like rats and they’re terribly ratlike

Some people characterize them as children or child-like, which can get iffy very easily. It depends heavily on how they’re treated and what their ‘purpose’ is in-world. Them being childlike can be okay under certain circumstances but it can get sour quickly. Do you treat them like you’d treat any other ‘normal’ child? Do you make it accessible for them to function normally, so they don’t depend on your every whim, like how a normal-sized child is able to access the fridge when you’re away? Do you leave them home alone, or does someone watch over them? Are their emotional needs and physical needs met? Do they have agency and control over aspects in their lives? Would they be protected by law from mistreatment? These questions are important with discussing morality.

I personally wouldn’t view it as morally okay for a bitty a normal sized person/monster to date. Even if they’re characterized as just normal and mature people but smaller, I feel the power imbalance is wild. You purchase and own bitties, you’re often the sole caretaker for those bitties, those bitties are unable to function on their own, and that could turn toxic very easily. When you’re fully able to withhold basic needs with nobody to stop you, that can get fucked up pretty quickly. But again that’s my own thing, I’m sure there are people out there who’ve made it so they can date and it be morally okay, through the power of insane worldbuilding, but it’s just not my jam.

Ultimately though I don’t really care about the morals of having bitties too much because they’re little skeleton buddies and the people who make them mean no harm with them. Similarly to how characters in TV shows will have animal/magical companions that speak, are either adult-like mature or childish, and have sentience, but not any real agency over their lives, yet we don’t discuss the morality of those. It’s made with silly fun goofy intent and not any glorification of real-life dark topics.

As long as you don’t abuse the bitty or date-slash-screw the bitty I really don’t care too much (though there’s obviously exceptions that i will end up caring too much about).

I also like to think bitties are all artificially made and physically genderless too, ‘gender’ is assigned by species rather than physical traits (so genderless and ‘female’ bitties exist too), but that’s my own headcanon

[sage-nebula]

Probably going to lose followers, but I don't care, I need to get this off my chest, and the best way to do that is with a meme, so here it is. This is mostly about him showing up in PokéMas where he doesn't belong (and the TRio don't belong there either, and neither does any other character from the anime or any of the various manga), but is also my general feelings about him as a protagonist. He should have left after DP at the absolute latest, and his character has really suffered for it. But while that's unfortunate for him, it's also unfortunate for those of us in the audience who wish that we could have an interesting protagonist, so I'm more annoyed by him now than I feel sorry for him.

Copy-pasting a comment I left on Reddit after someone asked me what I meant when I said that staying on as a protagonist for too long ruined his character under the cut:

Although Ash has always wanted accolades and trophies, the point of his character (originally) was not to be a super strong trainer who always won battles all the time, but rather to be a protagonist that approached the world of pokémon with the same love and wonder that the audience most likely did. So the fact that Pikachu lost to Snivy or whatever—idgaf about that, that doesn't bother me. I started with the OS, I've seen far worse.

So when I say that Ash's character was ruined because he stuck around too long, what I mean is that while other characters in the show (sans the TRio for the same reason) got to have character arcs where they not only accomplished new things, but also grew as characters, Ash doesn't get to have that because they're not allowed to end his story. OS -> DP was a proper progression; we saw him start out as a cocky brat who made mistakes all the time and threw tantrums and sulking fits, to a seasoned trainer who was still snarky as all hell and had flaws, but had made a lot of progress both in his professional (for lack of a better word) goals and his character as a person.

But the problem is, there was nowhere really for him to go after Sinnoh. Oh sure, they could have him try the Unova League, the Kalos League, etc—but in terms of personal growth he had plateaued, and unfortunately, that makes for a boring as shit protagonist. The "reset" in BW was as much to coincide with the games (because the theme behind the BW games was that they were supposed to be a "back to basics" a la the RGB games) but also because they had to try to find something for Ash to do, some way to allow him growth. Only that wasn't received well at all because of people who hated the fact that he had his skill set back, so then in XYZ they decided to make him an Ace Trainer who had the remainder of any negative traits smoothed away (save for that one teeny tiny arc in Snowbelle when he pouted a bit because he lost a couple battles) and won almost every battle he was ever in. But then people threw fits over the Kalos League, and on top of that XYZ was beaten ratings-wise by slice of life anime like Yo-Kai Watch, so for SM they made him act more childlike (but still without any noticeable character flaws and thus no room for growth), but had him win the League. And now in Journeys they're keeping that, but it's even worse because his strongest pokémon were just HANDED to him (Dragonite, Gengar, Lucario) and, again, he has no real flaws and no room for growth.

From OS -> DP, Ash was a great protagonist. He was such a dynamic and interesting character because he messed up, he made mistakes, he could be a jerk sometimes, but ultimately he had a good heart, was trying his best, and was improving and growing. But the writers were forced to stagnate, and as a result he's not really a character anymore, but instead a vessel for the audience wholesale. And because the audience throws massive shitfits every time he loses or doesn't get the very best of everything (e.g. the Kalos League even though that loss was justified, Lana getting Eevee instead of Ash, Gou getting anything at all ever, etc), he's now had his place in the Masters 8 basically handed to him on a platter, with the assurance he'll make it through to Leon because anything else would cause the fandom to have a conniption. There are literally zero stakes because we already know how this will go down. And while it would be great if they were just trying to write him off as the protagonist so they could tell new, fresh stories with new, fresh protagonists, replacing Ash means replacing Pikachu, and his specific Pikachu is the franchise mascot, so that will never happen. Much like Ash himself, we are stuck.

TL;DR: Ash sticking around too long ruined his character because when a character doesn't have an end to their arc, they just don't have an arc, period. Ash is no longer really a character, and it's REALLY noticeable if you go back and watch the earlier series (namely OS -> DP).

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[lesbiradshaw]

Genuinely interested in what you think about Bucky being perceived as female-coded in some parts of the fandom. I read that thread years ago and agreed with because it sounded logical, but now I'm not so sure. Recently found out about the existence of this Tony Stark meta essay called "Tony Stark as the most female-coded superhero" and they use the same arguments: loss of agency, playing the damsel in distress role more often than their counterpart, etc. I can't take "fm-coded" seriously anymore

oh boy ...

idk how long this will end up but to preface whatever we do end up with: 1) im a nonbinary lesbian so my perception on what it means to be a woman and femininity in general is not going to be what a lot of other peoples is and 2) im a few months out from getting a degree in gender studies. take that for what you will. no i will not be arguing about this in my inbox.

to be frank, in my opinion, bucky being female coded is bullshit. not only is it bullshit, i have seen it used as a weapon by so many white women and terfs that even if it were true, i wouldnt care! whoever came up with the term “woobify” (which i have most often seen used in reference to how tony stark is treated) needs to tell bucky stans that they aren’t exempt. a lot of them see bucky being a victim as something that needs a continuation into every other part of his life, hence why he’s so often put into these weird dynamics with his ships and given traits he’s never displayed on screen.

i keep thinking of disclaimers to make in anticipation of people coming to my inbox crying so here’s another: if you are a woman or someone who feels a close connection to certain parts of womanhood, me saying bucky isnt woman coded in no way takes away from you identifying with him or parts of his story. that is personal. a woman’s personal relation to him is not reliant on “woman coding” as i’ve seen a lot of white women and terfs suggest, not does it strengthen the existence of such coding. coding is created within the original media, not within the fandom.

i also just realized ive been using the term woman coded rather than female coded, but i think subconsciously there is a reason for that that ties into one of my main points pretty well: the mcu stan’s definition of “female” coding relies on stereotypes, not about female roles, but about what it means in their opinion to be a woman. the issue with this is they take traits they think only exist in (cishet) women and use them to deem these (cishet) male characters as woman coded when in fact these traits are not exclusive to women and enforce weird standards upon people who are women that might not be cis or het or share these traits!

tony stark being short and bucky having long hair is not what would make them woman coded. bucky being rescued by a man while woozy is not what would make him woman coded. bucky being submissive to pierce when LITERALLY BEING BRAINWASHED is not what would make him woman coded. and perhaps a harsh wake up call: bucky’s story hinging around loss of agency issues and trauma in no way shape or form is what would make him woman coded. does it perhaps make him easier for many women to relate to? yes. but is this something exclusive to women? no. a vast majority of trauma victims are going to relate to him, and chalking up trauma to being something female makes me feel really funny.

i know exactly what thread youre talking about lmfao and its right up there on my shit list next to the childlike bucky post. theyre actually very similar now that i think about it ... but anyways. now that ive listed my woes about what doesnt make a character woman coded, what actually would! AND HERE IS WHERE WE GET INTO AN ACTUAL CASE OF WOMAN CODING! mr prequel series anakin skywalker aka my shakespearean downfall dilf. why is he seen as a valid example of woman coding? i will tell you.

the thing about woman coding is that its meant to subvert heteronormative tropes while remaining self aware of that to exploit and emphasize the change. DO YOU HEAR ME? SELF AWARE! anakin is given many of these stupid stereotypical traits i mentioned before, but they arent reliant on physical appearance at all. they are reliant on roles. padme is the levelheaded senate leader, the one with power and stability, while anakin is hotheaded and frankly a bit whimsical while he struggles for his own type of power and control. another classic example of woman coding (which i actually wrote a paper on last semester in my men and masculinities class) is heathcliff from wuthering heights, whose counterpart to his coding is cathy. both men have that whimsicality in common that contrasts heavily with how we would expect them to act. bucky does not act like them at all.

the reason that this is different from bucky and steve’s ‘damsel in distress’ argument is the self awareness i mentioned before. not to mention the weird heteronormative standards being applied as requirements for their gay relationship to be seen as valid because it “fits the narrative” but .. anyways.

anakin and heathcliff both have their subverted traits played up in a way that shows off how ridiculous the women usually written in their roles are forced to act. its tongue in cheek, because woman coding is not only about individual traits, but about how the character interacts with the story because of this as a whole. bucky is often seen as woman coded because he is put into these situations where he is “rescued” by someone that half his stans see as his love interest (steve my baby im sorry) when hes really only rescued maybe twice? at azzano and from the water when the helicopter crashed. only one of those is a real damsel in distress situation. all of the others are cases where hes fighting his own way out ????? bucky doesnt just sit around waiting for a “real man” to get off his ass as that post suggested but i digress.

anyways. mcu stans lack any self awareness that would be required even if bucky and tony were woman coded. calling them woman coded does not count as self awareness! the real self awareness comes with recognizing that woman coding doesnt actually make these characters women and it doesnt mean they forever belong in these “female” roles. mcu stans take the stereotypes they pick out at face value and use them to say “look! bucky is a bottom!” or to continue taking away his agency by ignoring all of his other actions and traits that dont fit in to this mold theyve made around the idea that he needs a man to save him or boss him around. his story as a whole is the only thing that would make him woman coded and seeing as there is no self awareness of this shown, no attempts to subvert, he displays little to no traditionally feminine traits, and loss of agency on its own is not something that only applies to women ...

in short: in my opinion, bucky is not woman coded. mcu stans just like rolling with stereotypes that rely around cis bodies and straight relationships. the end.

[ashenburst]

Paint It, Black

Risotto x Reader, heavy angst, 10774 words. Remained unedited because I can’t afford crying any more.

tw: gore, but not too explicit; character death

Influenced by Rainbow’s Catch the Rainbow and the badass Paint It, Black by the Rolling Stones.

She was late – unusual.

Perhaps this fact was emphasized by Risotto's acute state. Not once has this man fallen in love this deeply, this hopelessly – this beautifully.

And the beauty of love was easy to spot, for Risotto. Much like grotesque, the ugly sides emphasized the pretty ones.

Waiting for her to come could count as one of the downsides, for through it, he would be caught up in childlike excitement; something he wasn't accustomed to, and something that caused him discomfort, should he think of it any more.

He was vulnerable, and he did not like it. At first, when he came to realize his feelings, he treated them with loathing. Undoubtedly, loathing, for he thought of them as a distraction, nothing more. But as time passed, he realized his heart simply could not listen. He could not prevent the joy she caused him.

So he gave in, opened his eyes to the many beauties of love. And it was worth it, every bit of it. He found himself walking in a brighter world, wherein he had the privilege to love and, to possibly, quite possibly –

Be loved. It was her who gave him the silly idea. That he deserved it, in fact, that he needed it. That he could care for someone, and in turn, be cared for. As if it was the most normal thing in this violent world.

Because it was. She only opened his eyes, wide, to acknowledge both sides of the spectrum. And the fair side of the spectrum, it wasn't unreachable, not at all. It was very real and very near, just a confession away. Which he decided to postpone until the moment was perfect, to some distant, ideal moment, far in the future.

As for now... Risotto was just a lost child.

It was only natural that his cherished one was looked for keenly – and was not found, sadly.

Perhaps it was odd, for (Y/N) would always arrive early, if not, then among the first few members. The schedule of their arrivals was something Risotto had long adopted in his mind. In that regard, (Y/N) was the same as all people in the Squadra; in any other regard concerning her arrival, she was unique. Stood out to Risotto for no other reason but her many virtues and beloved flaws. Whenever his eyes would be blessed with the sight of her, he would be reminded of all of those traits. She was radiantly overwhelming, her very appearance. That was all she needed to do – merely appear.

Usually, she would stroll inside, wearing quiet confidence like it was sewn for her. A deadly stand user, a ruthless assassin, and yet, a sweetheart.

She'd search for Risotto with her stern gaze, and upon spotting him, upon the brisk locking of their eyes, her façade would crumble, just for that one instant. She'd show it in numerous ways: she'd look away, she'd turn around, twirl her pretty hair between her fingers. She would be so adorable in her shyness, her unbelievable innocence, which he caused.

Risotto's crimsons would remain unfaltering, but his stone heart? Moved, certainly moved, with vivacity short and unfamiliar. There would be so much enforced in Risotto, in that fleeting moment he would always look forward to – and was missing now.

Why, the question was immediately asked. And he answered: perhaps she was stuck in traffic, or some other everyday occurrence befell her. He had no way of knowing, and he had no way of confirming. She was possibly too occupied to contact anyone, for nobody mentioned the reason behind her absence. It had to be that way – he understood. He simply wanted his little heart to calm down as well. Although it had no rational basis, he had a bad feeling.

His hand lingered before his mouth. He swatted away the worry with a twitch of it. So much senseless stress, and what for? Time and time again, he realized just how inutile his feelings could be. Made him lose his mind for a bit, in situations that were, luckily, as unimportant as these.

Everything was crystal clear in his mind indeed; but in order to bring out the clarity, he had allowed the present moment to fly by. The chatter in the headquarters had shifted to some other topic, and he didn't manage to catch the transition. A long sigh was heaved.

The talk turned out to be a rising argument. His gaze was redirected to the team members who were scattered around the room, some sitting, some standing. And the ongoing discussion was...

"If he ordered chocolate milk, then maybe people would think it's coffee," Formaggio suggested.

"Do you actually think they wouldn't be able to discern chocolate milk from coffee? Just think of the serving, a simple, minuscule espresso," Prosciutto explained, showing the oh so miniature size of the cup with his fingers, "and a massive mug of chocolate milk with whipped cream on top like it's meant for some sugar-crazed kid." His description of the chocolate milk was spoken with sincere discord. Formaggio grimaced.

"I thought this conversation was long over," Melone added. Pesci nodded fervently.

"Obviously not," Prosciutto snapped back. Before anything else could be said, the boss raised his tone.

"Then you should finish it now," Risotto voiced himself, "let's get this over with."

"Aren't we waiting for (Y/N)? Where is she, anyway?" Sorbet inquired. Gelato, by his side, raised the both of his brows.

"I presume nobody has heard of her," the boss proposed. As expected, nobody had.

Her absence was questioned, and the Squadra together reached the same conclusion as Risotto: that she was busy with something and simply... couldn't make it. It was likely. They all knew of her occupation to help out the local seniors. It was something Illuso ridiculed whenever he could. And, by all accords, she wasn't the type to obsess over money, unlike Sorbet, who couldn't emphasize with her. All in all, it couldn't be anything serious, though the fact remained that she never, ever skipped these sorts of meetings. But there's a first.

Risotto silenced whatever worry some of the men showed. Soon enough, nobody spoke of it. Business as usual would ensue – and the money was divided among the assassins.

In appalling carelessness, they left the headquarters. Their boss watched them walk away, one by one. Being the first and last one to come and go, he once again remained on his own.

He stood up. Shrouded in complimenting darkness, Risotto found himself wondering: was there something that he should've done? Or could've done, at least – to calm down for once. To make this disgusting feeling go away.

He hadn't heard of her for multiple days. Ever since that one meeting. Could it be...?

Without thinking, he flipped out his phone and stared at it. All he had to do was dial her number and inquire about her absence. Just one call.

Nervously, his finger tapped against the phone's side. He was being irrational. Had it been anyone else in the team, he wouldn't have reacted this way. The fact her worth was placed so high...

He disliked it – no, he was embarrassed about it. He knew feelings twisted his perception far and wide.

His phone was ignored with a scowl. Nothing would be done after all. He would remain blind, he chose, and retreated into the murk of his office.

Some paperwork laid scattered on the table. He neared it and cleaned it up, and voilà, the entirety of his office was in perfect order.

With that over, he sat on the chair, clueless as to what to do next. The butterflies in his stomach were obnoxious – and irritated him vastly. The dread was piling up for no reason at all. He told himself that, yes, she must've been busy, and that, no, she wasn't incompetent. If something bad had truly happened to her, her stand would be enough to defend her.

She was just another member of the hitman team. Just a colleague. Overall, they were doing tough work, but... they had little to no trouble concerning their job. Nobody had disturbed them, and nobody would – they were stand users, both powerful and elusive. Then...

(Y/N) must've been fine, he reckoned, pinching the bridge of his nose. But some instinct was telling him that things weren't as simple as his brain dictated. With this bothersome worry constantly on his mind, he couldn't calm down. That, and the fact...

The fact he might determine what happened. It went against his logic and his heart, and it went against what (Y/N) would've done, and yet... it was a horrifying possibility.

If calling her meant some solace, then so be it. He loathed this anxiety – shedding some knowledge in this situation would surely ease him.

So he called her. Gained nothing else but the reason behind his awry laugh. She wasn't answering.

He called her again. She couldn't have done that. She was too clever, and he warned her, and she listened, he knew she always listened –

Did she hear the phone ring? Had she turned off the ringtone?

And he called her again. If she had decided to do something, she would've told him, after all. She was sensible, mature. She wouldn't go around doing... whatever it was she intended to. Just what was on her mind?

The solitary sound that filled his office – the beeps on the other line – once again died down. Silence enveloped him, deafening whatever was left of his frantic thoughts.

That's it. He set the phone down onto the table. Slowly, he lifted his hand to his mouth, and his eyes remained fixated on the still device. The heartbeat that latched onto his throat would not let go – and he stayed put, stuck in the unnerving moment.

What was he even doing? He'd lost his mind – this was becoming an obsession. He was deeply, thoroughly ashamed of it. His brows were brought together in scorn.

There were so many ways to justify her silence. Facts spoke in favor of her safety, whereas his intuition screamed bloody murder –

He hated it. He hated the fact his psyche was torn. He yearned for integrity, stability, and all of it was ravaged – due to, what, his emotions? His love? He wouldn't let those have their way, no.

Maybe he was just looking for a way to kill his rushing heart. A precaution, just in case the worst would come true.

So, to distract himself from the distraction, he chose to finally get his work done. He looked through the few reports, checked their credibility, if there were any mistakes, and somehow, he was finished in no time. The fact surprised him. Subsequently, he could go home.

He exited the headquarters, and was astounded by the dark that awaited outside. The nearest street lamp wasn't working, he noticed. Allowing a small frown on his face, he thought it would be absolutely ideal if a dog had decided to shit somewhere along the shadowed road. That, or... his breathing halted.

Wasn't it ridiculous that he hoped for (Y/N) to appear, even for a millisecond? Wasn't it simply ridiculous of him to actually possess that yearning? It truly was. He nodded to the mute inquiry, and headed home. Therein, he would be met with a displeasing surprise. His phone rang, and the news dropped.

Unbeknownst to Risotto, some other men of the Squadra had decided to contact (Y/N). They reached out to her, only to find nothing. No response at all. It was clear at that point:

(Y/N) had vanished.

Some of them informed Risotto the very same evening. Risotto was awake and conscious to read all of the messages and receive all the calls. With every sound his phone made, he foolishly believed it was (Y/N) who was contacting him next – and disappointment washed over him every time. At that point, he could barely control it.

But he beat the worry with his thoughts. Bashed it mercilessly, scolding himself for being such a worrywart. As the wee hours neared, so diminished the reasons for him to cling to the phone. Everyone was slowly going to sleep. He should too.

It was in nightly silence that he found some solace. These taps on his nerves were goddamn awful. He knew something horrible must've happened, but he did not know what exactly. The ignorance was eating him from the inside out, as well as the fact that he could've helped her. The fact he could still be of some help – but how? The more time passed, the fewer chances he had to come to her aid.

And yet... he knew he was exaggerating. It took him so much to convince himself.

All this strain took a toll. Although not tired physically, his mind was exhausted beyond measure. Whatever news the tomorrow held, he would skip to them through some much-needed sleep.

He prepared, whatever had to be done in the bathroom, and reached his cold bed. Not much was left to think about, and as incoherent whispers overtook his mind, he found himself falling asleep. And then, in what seemed like a blink later, he woke up – well-rested.

In the bliss of hazy consciousness, he forgot his worries, he forgot fear and life, and he found a reason to smile.

But things couldn't work that way. His brain soon turned on, like a buzzing machine, and overwhelmed him with the worries, fear and life. Pushed all the information, all the memories underneath his closed eyes. It wasn't that he didn't want to see them – he did not want them to happen in the first place.

He dug his face into the pillow. A faint groan escaped him, involuntarily. The very next moment, he jumped to his feet, ready to tackle the haunting possibilities.

He acknowledged the time of the day. Dawn had escaped him by mere minutes. Light was abundant – it crawled inside of his room, crept up the carpet, bits of it reaching his bed and its messy sheets.

He did not oversleep, as expected. With that on his mind, he checked his phone for anything new – and revealed nothing. Perhaps some men of the Squadra were chatting on the laptop, which he did not check. If anything important had occurred, he would be informed over the phone. That was his mindset.

Therefore, if nothing had happened so far, he was obligated to take action. At last, it was justified.

However, not many people were awake at this time, and he had no way of waking his team. He ought to wait if he wanted to gather the Squadra.

He had to kill time, then. Sadly, sleep was no longer an option. With so much free time, he could check the correspondence on the laptop. He turned it on, and while the system was starting up, he went to grab his toothbrush.

Once back from the bathroom, he threw himself on the chair. The poor thing creaked, the sound much like an agonizing scrape on his eardrums. He clenched his teeth, threw away the setback, and opened the chatroom. Oddly enough, there were no new messages after Melone's old rant about... Risotto didn't want to reread it.

And oddly enough, Ghiaccio was online. As soon as Risotto noticed that, his teammate began typing.

Good morning, boss.

Risotto parked the toothbrush in his mouth and typed back, Good morning.

Ghiaccio: Any news concerning (Y/N)?

Risotto: Nothing.

Ghiaccio: She hasn't contacted anyone?

Risotto: No.

Ghiaccio: That doesn't make any sense though?!

Risotto: I know.

Ghiaccio: She's always doing something with her phone and now out of all times she can't answer it?!

Risotto narrowed his eyes at the statement. What do you mean?

Ghiaccio: Whenever we go on a mission, she's glued to it. Staring at it like she's expecting the messiah. All the time. Now, somehow, she can't reach it. The fuck happened? Did she lose it?

This was confusing. Risotto had never seen (Y/N) linger on her phone as much as Ghiaccio highlighted it. When with Risotto, why would she not be on the phone? The reason why... the possible reason made his heart contort.

Even so, she would've arrived to collect her pay yesterday. It's abnormal of her to be unavailable for such a long period, Risotto reasoned.

It took Ghiaccio some time before he'd start typing again. OK. Basically, she disappeared.

Risotto: Most likely. I've intended to have you gathered in the headquarters as soon the team is awake.

Ghiaccio: OK.

On both sides, a pause arrived. Risotto knew the cause of his – a numb knot spawned in his chest. He took the moment to acknowledge it, merely sigh, and greet it so. In that solemn situation, he tested out the limits this invisible cord wrapped him in, and revealed that, by all means, he ached. One deep breath was enough to release a string of pain through his heart.

All of a sudden, a new message garnered his attention. He made sure to steady his lungs.

I have no idea what happened. I haven't spoken to her in a while, and it's probably the same with everyone else. I'm sure that the others would've told you in case they knew anything relevant. That being said, I hope (Y/N) is alive.

How blunt. As if Risotto hadn't been aware of that already. He replied with a short, Me too.

But there was some warmth in Ghiaccio's statement. It defied the usual chill of his personality. Risotto did not miss it, and yet... could not reciprocate it.

I should get going, he added, for he had to, in all sincerity. The toothpaste in his mouth was starting to bite on his tongue, and the sensation wasn't pleasant in the least.

However, standing up proved to be an unpleasant act as well. The tinge in his heart rose, as the knot tightened. He was obligated to carry it, to the bathroom, where he spat the paste and finished brushing his teeth, then to the window, where he stumbled to refresh his head.

No matter the cold air, he poked his head outside, arms resting on the window's frame. He was met with scarce life scattered in the grey.

And what happened there? What would be the commotion that sparked Risotto's interest? Some people crossed the street – a car hadn't stopped early enough, so the woman on the zebra jumped and latched onto her companion's arm. It was comical, to an extent, and he was reminded of a similar event.

Per se, going on missions with (Y/N) was something Risotto broadly avoided. Reasons were numerous. The last time they had gone to one, their particular set of abilities was necessitated for the kill – so he had no choice but to do it with her. Their target was a dangerous stand user, but as expected, that presented no problem for the duo. That's not to say they had no struggles. The fight left some wounds, but it was nothing too bad. Victory was achieved and that mattered.

Relaxed as he was in that moment, Risotto lifted his hands in a triumphal pose. Meters in front of him, the bloodied corpse laid as a sure trophy to their success. Apparently, the success was so great that (Y/N) had to hug him – and... well, he froze. In every sense.

It was a misunderstanding, she explained later, because of the way his hands were positioned, the situation, the relief she felt, and whatnot. But Risotto was left with an unplanned memory of an embrace, although it was very short and very awkward.

And this unplanned memory now resurfaced completely out of the blue. What once gave him a sincere smile, now locked his lips into a rigid line. Not much could be felt. He continued observing the streets.

Lazy cars passed underneath him, and lazy eyes watched them. Pigeons hopped about the pavement, hastier than many of the few people outside in this monotone morning. Someone found it adequate to yell at a reckless driver, and the driver yelled back. All in all, a very peaceful, monotone morning. Nothing that would unsettle Risotto, far from that.

He lived through the calm, through the storm, and now settled with their aftermath. The morning was largely as quiet as his tired mind, and he relished in this mutual peace. He prepared himself, with deep breaths, to face whatever this nauseating day had to offer.

But things needn't be as dark. He didn't have to look down at the dirty road. He could've stared at the clear rooftops, the bleached skies. There, the white was burning. The Sun had its rays sprawled equally over the clouds, and they were quite painful for Risotto to watch. The heavens were simply that bright – overwhelmingly so, for even a peculiar thought crossed his mind: could they be hiding her?

His eyes widened and he quickly looked away, scoffing at his stray assumption. What an enigma – why was he so certain in that delusional idea? On a subconscious level, where his intuition too hollered, but logic scolded. Interesting. He abandoned the window and its view, and smiled in bitter intrigue.

Not much time was killed, he knew. So he made himself breakfast, a sandwich with whatever he had in the fridge. There wasn't much else he could do afterwards except idle, and think, all over again, of everything and nothing. He was consuming time with prospects and reflections.

Little by little, the minutes accumulated into hours. Noises of the day rose, and so did Risotto. He informed the Squadra that action must be taken. It did not take much for them to reassemble at the headquarters, and Risotto, once again, arrived first, and luckily, he did not wait much.

With everyone gathered, tension was high. Risotto walked around, unusually nervous himself, with a hand on his chin. And he assured, beginning as he had planned over and over again back home, "There is a high probability that (Y/N)'s disappearance is a false alarm, for she has a bustling private life. Therefore, I advise you not to panic, even in case we do uncover something bad. We need to stay calm." By that, he mostly meant Pesci.

"However, the fact remains nothing like this has ever happened. (Y/N) has no record of such odd behavior, making her disappearance even more concerning. We should backtrace her possible intentions and from there, start investigating."

Risotto took a deep breath. He knew her intentions, but he wanted to hear someone deny them.

"Let's start from the last time we collectively saw her, the meeting –"

"Which meeting?" Pesci seemed confused, which made Prosciutto grumble.

"When we discussed the boss," his older brother explained curtly. Pesci let out an "oh".

With that over, Risotto continued. "So, has anyone seen her afterwards, or spoken to her?"

Only a few heads were shaken. The remainder resorted to silence. Risotto's eyes narrowed at the sight. Judging by the situation, he was the one who had last seen her.

The situation was a short one, nothing special. She stayed behind after the said meeting. Sat for a couple of moments, a blank stare ahead, missing Risotto by a couple of inches. He sat in front of her, on the sofa adjacent to hers, thereby near. He easily caught the newfound fire stirring up in her eyes.

"This is insane," was all she said.

Tilting his head in confusion, Risotto couldn't quite understand the meaning behind her statement. (Y/N) didn't really voice her opinion throughout the meeting, but she seemed to have agreed with their final decision: to go after the boss. "We've already established that the idea is insane," he said, his connotation slightly inquisitive.

"No, no, I'm not talking about us going after the boss. I'm talking about him, exactly him," she explained while flailing her hands a little. This amused Risotto.

"We've already established that he's horrible as well," he continued.

"Not in the sense we all talked about! This isn't about money, I couldn't care less about that. I don't care if I'm paid a couple of thousand lira less. I live in the lap of luxury anyway, we all do, more or less. But, boss, he is degrading us. Humiliating us!"

This was something Ghiaccio had mentioned, but Risotto didn't interrupt her. He was fazed by her ferocity.

"And I won't let our superior treat us like scum. Because that's clearly what we are to him: scum. While other sections of the Famiglia thrive, we're left with what? A broken TV," she pointed at the said object, "and absolutely humiliating treatment. Despite us being oh so important to him and oh so cherished in the Famiglia. I won't let him do that. We can't let him have his way. For all I know, we can easily kill him. Right? There is a reason why he's so elusive, he must be a weakling. If not a weakling, then a pathetic loner. Doesn't matter. But once we find him, he won't stand a chance! He'll die. We will kill him. We have to."

She caught a breather, and Risotto used that to speak up. There was so much he wanted to say after this rant.

"First of all, breathe a little, (Y/N)," he told her, making her let out an airy laugh.

"I've hardly ever seen you this riled up. I assume there's a personal motivation that fuels the animosity."

"That's true," she confirmed.

"In that case, take care. You cannot allow emotions to control you."

She nodded, and Risotto continued. "Second of all, you are correct. Everything you've said is true. This is why we will go after him once we gather the necessary information. As you said, he won't stand a chance. I wouldn't agree with the team's intentions if it were impossible."

(Y/N) probably tried not to show it, but she was relieved, and Risotto noticed it. Her shoulders relaxed, as well as her once stern expression.

"Third of all, why?"

"Why what?" There, even her tone softened.

"Why did you say all of this? We've already discussed that in the meeting."

She hesitated on what to say. Indeed, even as she spoke, she carefully picked her upcoming words, her eyes bolting to the ceiling as she figured. "You've already guessed that there is a... personal motivation, as you called it, present. But... I wanted to make sure you'd.... well, do it."

Risotto's brows furrowed a bit. "Agree with the plan? I've already done so."

"Don't misunderstand me," she began, quick to defend herself, "you just didn't seem too... eager about it. I wanted to make sure you were convinced... and convince you, too."

Bold words coming from (Y/N), she hadn't said anything during the meeting. But Risotto was unpleasantly surprised to find out that (Y/N) thought he was hesitant to comply. He would do anything for his team, he truly would. He cared vastly about them, and even if the idea to kill the boss was immaturely impossible, he would consider it. He would, no doubt about it. It would be right to say her assumption struck the wrong chord.

He decided not to justify himself, although he wanted to, in order to be seen as a better person in her eyes, to brag about his willingness to help the team – it truly was tempting. But he swallowed his pride and told her, "A plan like that ought to be approached with caution, and as it concerns all of us, it is something that we all should carefully review, give our opinion about, and collectively agree on. And as you've seen by some people's behavior earlier, they're excessively enthusiastic about it. Some sense had to be delivered."

(Y/N) nodded. "I understand. I'm sorry if I offended you."

Did he show it? He shouldn't have. "You haven't, not in the least. Would that be all?"

She nodded again. Good, then. Risotto found it inappropriate to ask her about her troubles, although she seemed to have been somewhat... disturbed. If she needed his support, advice, or anything, she would've asked, he believed. So he let her be, more out of shame than out of intrusiveness.

She stood up and without saying anything at all, headed towards the exit. This astounded Risotto, as well as the odd sight – she clenched her fists.

"Don't."

She turned around, perplexed by his demand. He was perplexed too, without a doubt. He lifted his gaze to meet her eyes.

"Don't do anything on your own. It's too dangerous," he warned.

"Sure," she dismissed him with a quick reply and continued walking away. No, no, she wouldn'td do that –

"(Y/N)," he called out, and she turned around, once again. They both heard fear in Risotto's voice.

"I mean it. Don't do anything stupid."

(Y/N) was clearly shocked. Wide eyes almost went shut, as a loving face took over. "Oh, don't worry. Have I ever?"

She hadn't, of course. Risotto forced a smile as well. Lingering on the doorstep, she seemed as if she wanted to say something – at least that's what Risotto's memory told. Then she left, no goodbyes whatsoever.

Her bright smile was engraved in his reminiscence. The more he thought of it, the more his own expression darkened in the present.

"If that's so, then I'm certain (Y/N) went after the boss," he finally stated to his team.

"She what? No way," Illuso was quick to disagree.

"After the meeting, she approached me and hinted that she would go after him on her own. I warned her against it, and she seemed to have obeyed."

Melone... had an addition to the conversation. "She didn't listen, huh... oh, (Y/N), (Y/N)..."

"Quit interrupting him!" Ghiaccio yelled.

"Too much time has passed for us to blame this on a mishap. We must find her before it's too late," Risotto proclaimed, and the hitman team agreed.

Nobody knew where she lived, except for Risotto. If the situation were any different, he was sure he'd get ridiculed for that. Or at least, indirectly teased, in whispers and chuckles. He just so happened to have once walked her home – and although she had a stand of her own and could easily defend herself, she accepted his company. Something Risotto was now (and back then) extremely grateful for.

The search began with him having a head start. He went to her home, as he had intended. The others went to local cafes, inspected the area, some resorted to finding clues on the web. To conclude, the collective worked hard on finding her.

It didn't matter who hit the jackpot, Risotto thought. She needed to be found.

Formaggio and Illuso came with him, and the two chatted all the way. (Y/N) lived in the most ordinary building on the streets; the same stoic, gray type that framed all alleys. As they walked down those dull roads, they encountered a repetitive scenery. But Risotto remembered which building was hers – he would recognize it for sure. The door was...

"Boss?"

Risotto's line of thoughts was broken with Illuso's inquiry. "Yes?"

"I'm unsure if this is inappropriate of me to ask, but I wanted to know 'cuz it seemed real fishy. Is there something going on between you and (Y/N)?"

Luckily, Risotto's ironic smile was not seen.

"What?! That's very inappropriate, and you know that! Where's your heart, man? The fuck," Formaggio immediately stood in Risotto's defense.

"No, Formaggio, it's alright," Risotto sincerely spoke, and responded, looking back to the two men with a cold glare, "and Illuso, to answer your question, no."

"Mhm. I see, sorry," Illuso replied to that. Formaggio's grumble was heard as well.

Their boss moved on in silence. He had more important business to attend to. Because just around the corner was (Y/N)'s residence. That is, if he remembered correctly.

They turned, and Risotto recognized the deep crimson entrance of her building. His heart leaped. They were on the right path after all. He walked on, approached the door, and checked the tiny nameplates on the wall. Among them, he searched for (L/N)... and found her almost at the very bottom, meaning she lived on the top floor.

Naturally, he pressed the button next to her name, just in case. He didn't know what he was expecting, for he got no response from the intercom.

Since they had no other way of entering, Risotto used Metallica to mess with the lock. Thus the door was opened and they entered the chilly interior. And to go up, they used the stairs.

He skipped two, even three steps at a time. Illuso and Formaggio followed close behind, hasty as well. Risotto's heartbeat rose as they all spiraled upwards, to her residence. That horrible feeling from yesterday was caving in, once again did his intuition scream bloody murder. All that he had in mind were the worst scenarios.

He had never been optimistic; hope, itself, was something he never resorted to. Similarly, he was never roughly disappointed. But now, what fueled him was utter despair, pushing him closer to the terrifying possibility, driving it into reality –

With a surprisingly sickening atmosphere. A faint stench alienated the air. What a sorry introduction to (Y/N)'s floor.

He really didn't have to hurry at that point, but he kept the frantic pace. Why, he had no idea, but he kept searching for her nameplate on one of the doors, although he knew what would expect him. He was absolutely sure, for such a long period, wasn't he? But all of the dread he tried to hide, now cumulated, and it was too much for him to bear. He was shaking, oh, he sure was, as he looked around, his feet lighter than ever.

Illuso spotted it first. Her pretty name was engraved on the plate. Risotto glanced at it, then towards the lock – Metallica was undoing the mechanism already. A click later, and he could enter doom –

But he did not want to. He froze, his hand floated in the air, and he realized, as his heartbeat ticked the time in his ears: he could not do it. He couldn't make himself cross to the other side.

"Boss?"

The callout brought him back to his senses. He was their leader, through the good and the bad, through the best and the worst. He had to do this, he had no other choice.

His hand landed on the doorknob and he swung it open. Another wave of reek greeted them, thus Risotto's breaths turned painstakingly shallow. As if the smell clawed at his wet eyes, he found himself squinting them, to make out the thick whiff and what else it obscured.

He was moments away from it. The last time he would see (Y/N) in the entirety of his life. He looked around, darted his eyes here and there, and he saw, in between.

All he needed was a single glance, to be reminded he loved. One glance, to see her signaling a hollow heart to him – inked with her guts, spilled and embedded onto the wall with black nails. Intestines that morphed into a crimson profession of undying love. Underneath them laid their deceased owner, a ghastly figure with a gaping void to fill out her stomach – and on her face, eyes bulging at Risotto, pleading for help long impossible, long expired. He wasn't there to save her.

But she? (Y/N) was finally there to warrant her death.

He closed his eyes as if to deny it. Clenched his teeth, as if to grip onto the remainder of his sanity. And as if to distance himself from his men's gags and screams, he walked backwards, blurry gaze shoved into the floor. Never again to see her.

Agony crippled him. His hand landed onto the nearby wall, to prevent himself from falling further into this void – the void that was in her open mouth, her dugout belly, her once beautiful mind. All now black, morose black, that painted his vision, that hid him from his own tears. The mildest consequence of his colossal failure.

And what to reply to that proclamation? To that monstrous statement? A chokehold prevented Risotto from sobbing, let alone screaming back. All that left his trembling lips were ragged breaths, and all that came inside was sickly air, barely enough to fuel his shuddering heart. Salt, too, prickled his tongue, while it arched and got pulled by the rising nausea.

There was so much he could've done to prevent this. This had been preventable, but now he was powerless. Utterly and wholly insignificant in the face of fate.

There was nothing left to do. This was all they were left with. A tragedy and a massive disrespect to (Y/N) – and the dreadful wonderment, just how much she had suffered before succumbing. He could not begin to imagine it, but he knew that his aches, they were nothing. Nothing when compared to what she'd been through in her final moments.

Only one person could be held accountable.

"Boss, there's... a note," Formaggio's thin voice was heard. Risotto could not respond, he barely even heard Formaggio – his head was absent in perturbation. His hand rose, fingertips strumming over the gentle lines of tears. He became aware of his outburst, how vastly it devastated him – and to hold himself together, slowly, his hand hid his mouth. He could not allow himself to fall apart.

Avoidant of the bloodbath, his gaze drifted to Illuso – a man so caught up in terror that he had to sit down and stuff his eyes with the sight so as to convince himself in the cruelty of the present. Then, Risotto's gaze hovered over to Formaggio, to find someone who, much like his boss, had no courage to face it. Ghastly pale was his visage, trapped in bewilderment.

In those two, Risotto saw himself, the devastation was mirrored. And he saw people who needed him, who needed his help. He had to stay strong not only for them, but for his own sake as well. He could not allow this tragedy to tear him apart right at the start, no. He had to calm down. He had to gather himself.

Clarity graced his vision. His hand lowered. (Y/N) would want it that way.

He hardened his heart, as much as the tender muscle allowed. With a wipe or two, his tears were gone, and no new ones would escape. Risotto trod on with sure steps, to find the note Formaggio had gestured to.

Indeed, on the table laid a paper tainted by droplets of her blood. Risotto couldn't bear to touch it, but he leaned in to read.

With no heart to sustain it, the idea is killed, it said, in a mockingly fancy handwriting. It only caused worse spite.

"What... does it say?" Illuso asked, quietly.

Risotto made a rocky sigh before reading it out loud, and he turned around upon hearing Illuso's whisper. "Whoever did this is a monster."

And before he could spit his words of vengeance, Formaggio exclaimed them himself. "We'll find the boss and obliterate him."

Obliterate? But would they? When uttered from another mouth, the idea seemed ridiculous to Risotto. Vengeance was impossible, at least in their current position: zero information and a high possibility of new casualties. This was a mere warning, a mere showcase of the boss' power.

He was flaunting with the lives and deaths of Risotto's teammates. As infuriating as it was, Risotto was powerless against it. He could feel his nerves boil.

"We can't," he spoke, his voice steady as ever. He could almost feel the terrified looks of his teammates as they landed on him. And he would not look back. He kept his focus on the note, stubbornly rereading it.

"The message is clear. With (Y/N), the idea of betrayal should die as well," Risotto elaborated.

Illuso jumped back to his feet, his fists clenched in newfound fervor. "As if we'd let that happen!"

Risotto's eyelids drooped. They had to let it happen.

"Right! (Y/N) didn't die in vain!" His teammate agreed, striking Risotto's nasty spot.

"No. You both know that we're in no position to search after the boss. We know nothing and there's nothing we can do."

Formaggio immediately retorted, "But (Y/N) was clearly on to something! Why do you think she was murdered?! Because she knew something!"

"For a fact I know she didn't, and she was murdered for trying to dig into the boss' identity," Risotto tried to reason.

"So what?! She was alone, we can do it together! We can avenge her!" Formaggio once again attacked, enforcing even more anger into Risotto.

"We can't," he barely spoke through his growing rage.

"But –"

Risotto snapped, "Silence! Do you want others to get slaughtered like her?!"

Formaggio couldn't muster a response. His boss calmed down, luckily, and continued, "I understand your need for justice. We simply cannot afford it right now."

Out of all people, Risotto could wait. The very fact vengeance would arrive someday was enough for him, and he hoped his men understood this.

"Can't believe you're arguing while she's there," Illuso mumbled. He hadn't spoken at all during the conflict, but what he uttered now eternally silenced whatever counterargument was brewing. Risotto, however... he merely hung his head low.

"The way this fucker disrespected her..." Formaggio afforded a peek at the corpse.

But Risotto did not. He swore they would restore her dignity.

The very next day, they attempted to. At her quiet, humble funeral. Overlapping silence crushed all above the sullen coffin. All the tears were long cried, and mutual hatred had long dropped its weights; all that remained was beat-up anguish.

The amount of belittlement before fate was astonishing, for these assassins. To think that death they dealt with so commonly would hurt them all so profoundly.

In the center of it all, stood their leader. Risotto's breakdown upon spotting (Y/N) was the only time his emotions were shown – ever, in fact. As it turned out, they were not seen. Formaggio and Illuso were too occupied with the corpse to even look at Risotto. Afterwards, he returned to his usual, aloof self, as if nothing had happened. Nothing!

Even during the funeral, he had little to say. His teammates' behavior spoke volumes about (Y/N).

Pesci, who was relentlessly crying at its beginning, wailed so much to his brother. Prosciutto didn't try to scold him, or silence him. Risotto listened just as carefully as Prosciutto did, while Pesci explained, "She was so sweet! She always praised me, she... she always... she was always there for me... why do the best people have to go?! Why her?! Why, big bro?!"

Pesci threw himself onto his sibling, his hands gripped and messed with Prosciutto's suit, but he didn't know how to answer. Risotto, listening from a lonesome distance, concluded that there was no reason. Fate rolled the dice and they landed poorly. There was no higher meaning, there was no... nothing.

Destiny was a hollow principle. Questioning it was useless. And so, Risotto came to terms with the tragedy with inhuman ease. Not apathy for sure, rather, a numbness that lulled him into a dream-like state. This funeral, the events leading up to it? They did not feel real. Risotto was just a dissociated bystander thrown into it all.

He observed, waiting for his role to become... potent. To matter in this entire mess. But there was so little he could do! He sat on the cold bench, once again, powerless, just mingling as one of the remnants of the tragedy. They all faded away, slowly – grieving was not their forte. With the first assassins who rose to their feet, Risotto felt an alarming pound in his chest. They couldn't leave without a proper statement coming from him. He was obligated to say something.

"From this moment onward, (Y/N) (L/N) has never existed," his voice boomed in formidable echoes, resonating through his men as they departed. It was the best that way. Sever the severed, he had decided, and cut off the mutilated heartstrings. What was done cannot be undone, he was aware, and although he ached...

Would (Y/N) like to see them in such a state? Grieving, despairing? Certainly not. Then why bother wailing?

He needed to move on. He had no other choice. Everything else would lead to complications. He could not allow emotions to sway his life – or his job.

But he had to deal with them. Eliminating them was impossible, bottling them up was impossible. If he were to cut them, he had to tap in their essence. He needed to end his relationship with (Y/N).

Risotto knew the importance of goodbyes. In psychodrama, for example, he knew the protagonist sometimes had to deal with unresolved relationships from the past, and to resolve it, a farewell would be played out. In the form of dialogue, between the two characters, where the protagonist ought to say what was left unsaid, thus sealing the past.

Risotto had no choice but to reenact this method. Nothing else would effectively, healthily, set him free, as far as he knew.

He was almost excited to walk down the stairs and reach her, and have some time alone with her. He thought of the many things he could've told her, all so vividly different. He could've, yes, he could've told her of the cat he gave milk to – she would've loved hearing about it – or he could've slammed a singular, harsh goodbye, but none of it would serve the purpose. He needed to say the right thing, the perfect thing to mark the farewell.

As his steps slowed, so slowed the pace of his thoughts. He had to stop and ponder, for he attained the grave realization that this was his last moment with her. At least, in some figurative sense, in his mindscape, but she was with him.

And just like always, Risotto would change. His heart was moved, crooked in a stray direction, but certainly moved. He found a flower by her casket, and caressed it with the gentleness she had once taught him.

She had taught him so much – she did not have to. Risotto did not want to learn how to love. But, he did not blame her, not in the least. He was grateful for her very existence in this goddamned world, however short-lasted it proved to be. Where she trod, even her shadow was boldly bright in comparison to the mafia's dark. He didn't know how, but she did not cease to illuminate. Not once, since the day he met her.

What a remarkable person she was. His eyelids fluttered, and he let them fall shut, black enveloping his whole world.

"Sorry," he murmured, although he knew it made no sense. Her body had evidently been in her apartment for a long time, far before her disappearance was noted. The decomposing confirmed it. But he felt the need to tell her that, to apologize, for some reason. Of all things, it was by far the most adequate.

And alongside the apology, a weight was lifted, and Risotto opened his eyes to see bleak existence. Swiftly, he averted his gaze away from the coffin. It was over.

The firm knot in his chest lessened its grip. He knew he was not forgiven. He would never be, and he could live with that, so long vengeance was possible, he established firmly.

Risotto Nero walked into the funeral a free man, and exited it a convict. His confinement – solitary. Walls of hardened sorrow caged him. Stone-cold they were, and stone-cold was him. Had anything truly changed? A free man and a convict, where was the difference, except in the title? For he could live life as if nothing happened, and the very reality was his jail.

Such a solid punishment. To be forced to live obediently. To just walk the streets like yet another passerby, as unimportant as any of them in his own life. In the grand city of Napoli, despite the mafia and his clearly valued position in it, Risotto had never felt smaller. It was no wonder, then, that he slouched his back and paced with a pace of a drunkard.

Everything seemed... saturated. The songs blasting in the cafes, the children playing on the empty roads, the pigeons fluttering their wings loudly once Risotto interrupted their cooing. Those were all ordinary things, but they all stuck to his mind, due to this... dim wonderment.

He couldn't wait to get over with these melancholic sensations. He simply wanted to get home, then get a mission, then go kill. He wanted to be thrown back into the cycle.

And after an eventless day and a dreamless night, he finally got it. He was with the rest of the Squadra, getting accustomed to this faulty cycle they were coming back to. Only (Y/N) was missing. The fact wasn't mentioned, and wouldn't be mentioned, as it appeared. Days tumbled over each other, and there was a development Risotto was glad to perceive.

The head of the Famiglia had a powerful message to send out to Risotto's team – that their heart, the vital organ, was ripped out. By all means, that was false.

Risotto grew to understand that, through the tragedy, the team had changed. It was a subtle difference, probably noticeable only to an eye as keen as his, but it was there. He looked into the men's actions and saw a silent sort of kindness. (Y/N) united them with her absence.

But when delving into the introspective, Risotto, strangely, found no change. It was as if the shocking moment was the worst, everything else... he could get used to. He didn't allow himself to miss her, and he easily distracted himself from her departure. If he'd spot the empty seat on the sofa that once belonged to her, well, he'd simply look away. A tinge of pain would impale his heart, but he got used to that too.

And he knew, time would heal it as well. Time would bring revenge, the sweet justice. But time passed, and what happened? The world revolved, the spring's beginnings unfolded, and the assassins killed all but the one most important target – the boss.

Much like the kindness (Y/N)'s absence enforced, the topic of the boss remained silent. It seemed as if everyone were waiting, just like Risotto, for his mystery to be faintly revealed, mentioned, caught in their everyday occurrences.

But it did not. Risotto's hands were still soaked with the wrong blood. He was itching to scratch the dried gore off of his skin, to scrape this vicious cycle. It was becoming one, wasn't it? What a paradox. The numbness he swore to wear had gotten all tight and unpleasant, his teammates were tired and fed up. Risotto knew he loved to imagine it were the boss he was killing in his few assassinations, and this was where he broke his pledge. For this was when he felt, and when the numbness became bestial wrath.

And he... he disliked that, but he couldn't help it. He could allow these few emotions in those few moments to overwhelm him, at most. At most! Everywhere else he was the same as ever.

However, one day, there was some sort of odd gravity in the team's behavior. Risotto had always been sensitive to social cues and their finesses, so he watched as this regal behavior spread among the Squadra. He could see Pesci's shy gasp, Prosciutto's squint of sapphires, Ghiaccio's involuntary grit and Sorbet's frown. All cascading from each other, as a secret was passed on, never directly spoken, never heard by Risotto.

The avoidance present in their interactions was a native mechanism for Risotto. What would redirect his gaze from that one spot on the sofa, what would always remain silenced, indirectly, barely mentioned? (Y/N). So he put that topic, her, in the current context, the...

The month after her death. One month had already passed. The unsaid secret reached him too.

His eyes scanned the polished floor beneath him, and his thoughts – they were blown out by the intense realization.

He picked on the patterns in the light that was reflected. Some straight, some looped. He tilted his head slightly, and the light moved where he watched, and remained where his gaze stopped. His brain was kindled so.

Now, Risotto was no sentimentalist. First, his job excluded that trait, and second, his character could not sustain it. So he didn't do anything. He had to pretend she hadn't existed, and just like the rest of the Squadra, silently accept it all over again.

It was a minor change to the cycle, not the best, but it happened. A little fact thrown into the seas of existence, rippled the waves with its drop, and it spread, not without consequences.

Although to Risotto it seemed like just another pale day, it would end with a note very vibrant. In his sleep, he was encountered by some scene of nature, where light trespassed the treetops in white streaks. Underneath them snaked a tame road of dirt. And although he visually had no way to locate this spot, he fundamentally knew where he was – Sicily.

Once the realization settled, he turned around, compelled by the gentle breeze. It was the sea that the breeze originated from, the beautiful, wide azure, a remedy to his soul. And before him, all the way to the water, sand like ivory, never too coarse and never too rough.

And the wind, the scent it carried... mewls of nostalgia got to him, and he was melting. He was brought back to his childhood, to the innocent and loving times, and... and that warmth, that came with all that was good, and with... love, indeed, love.

(Y/N). He knew she was the wind, for she gave him all of it. In return...

He could feel her in his grasp. (H/C) locks beneath his chin, her loving smile that he swore to protect; her, simply with him, possible and true. The warmth of her embrace that he felt only once in his damned life, that slipped away, like the breeze all around. He was enveloped in the wind, but the wind did not stay. It sighed along, then left him alone. And just like that, Risotto was stripped of any feeling.

There was unfamiliar heat in his face, and he tried to chase it away. He even closed his eyes, ready for the accursed tears to pool, to drain him of the warmth – but they didn't. He remained frozen as seconds flew past, expecting his heart to split in half. But it didn't.

Why? He had to go after the wind, he thought, so he took a step forward, only one. It was enough for him to realize that he had no feeling in his foot. It was almost as if he was standing on air. The sensation unsettled him.

He waved his hand towards the brush by his side, and did not sense the leaves underneath his fingertips. He retracted it, then, frustrated, shoved it into the bush. Nothing, again. He pulled it out and saw cuts and early blood seeping from them. He did not feel any pain, nor the delicate trickling of that fluid, nor the stinging that should've arrived as his flesh was exposed. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

He stepped backwards by reflex – no, he staggered backwards, then fell. And he would've hit his head quite painfully if it weren't for the fact he couldn't sense it. Such an annoyance, all of this. He rolled on the ground and somehow got back on his feet.

Risotto was static, but did not get to question these circumstances he found himself in. No, as soon as he got back to his feet, he looked and saw that what once was an angelic azure, now grew into a wild indigo. Grew, yes, he saw that right. An atrocious wave rose from Sicily's fine coastline and like a crumbling wall approached Risotto with the sole purpose of killing him.

Run for cover, he thought, and bashed his legs senselessly against the ground. It was futile, naturally – and the waters swallowed him, crushing him that very instance, but allowing him to feel at long last: death.

Risotto woke up, chest pressed against the bed, his heart pounding so violently it actually hurt. He opened his eyes immediately to spite these fantasies, and indeed, he was back in his room, in his bed. He groaned and smacked his face with the both of his hands. What a fucking gross dream.

His next day wasn't half bad. No, well, he almost forgot about the dream since something far more important happened. Donatella Una was dead, and Donatella Una was the boss's alleged lover. Risotto would have to admit he was pleasantly surprised.

But this only triggered a chain of events down which the Squadra descended. One by one, the path was abandoned by the men, as they erred fatally. Risotto was left the last one standing, barely standing.

He had no team to be strong for. All of his sufferings were ignored for one, simple goal: to find and kill the boss, and he was persistent in his cause. Only after could his life continue, and until then – until then, he would do everything and anything in his power to end that one wretched life. Luckily, he was on the right path to do so.

He was led to Sardinia, he was led to a cliff, and he was led to observe an unusual line of events which he chose to interfere in – rightfully so.

The pink-haired man he chose to bother was of the usual sort. Terrified and frail like any other civilian. Risotto would've let go of him if it weren't for one important factor.

His intuition screamed. This time, he would listen. And just like that, indeed, facts came to support it. He spotted the movement of the foot this guy had made, a very specific and deliberate one, to hide the envelope.

"Stand up, move your left leg, and show me," he ordered, lifting a finger to point at him. But he was suspiciously ignored. Risotto didn't have time for this idiocy.

"I told you to stand up! Stand up!"

His furious demand was listened to, and the stranger jumped up with a cowardly screech. He stood on one leg, arms propelled in a defensive manner. But that did not interest Risotto – the envelope was, as it appeared, empty.

Risotto caught a buzzing sound in the distance. The stranger, too, reacted to it. The guy had to be a stand user, for he reacted to... to Aerosmith. Buccellati's team arrived, and this man, a stand user, couldn't be there without the boss' interference. He had to be a person greatly trusted by the boss.

With Buccellati's presence on his mind, Risotto felt inclined to battle him. However, however...

"But there is true fear in your heart," he exclaimed, "you're a walking contradiction!"

His opponent twitched and resorted to uncanny anger. "Shut your trap!" He pointed at Risotto, and Risotto saw that he was even foaming, like a rabid dog. "You're the one who's about to be shaking in your boots!"

He ran towards the assassin – a bad move. Risotto immediately deduced the range of his stand, thus the way to land the kill. He proceeded to have his own stand procreate razors, then needles in his opponent's trap. This didn't faze him one bit, and he ran towards Risotto, trying to land a hit of his own. But all his punches were amiss, and as Risotto avoided them, he reached the edge of the cliff – ideal, he threw himself off the rocks and vanished from his enemy's sight.

The battle began. Dulled rage was a sharp weapon, and he was itching to strike.

And struck he did. Right from the start, he tiptoed at the doorstep of victory. The train of his thoughts was conducted with elegance; he predicted and he predicted right, and the enemy would soon succumb. What occurred in his mind, reflected on reality; his movements were equally as airy and light while he swayed around. He circled around, stopped here and there, took a blow – but dealt far worse ones.

His foot was severed, but he took the best of it. And as expected, his opponent was tricked, and what did that mean? What could that possibly mean? Oh, Risotto knew exactly what it meant, and his heart trembled with delight.

And then? He explained his trick, and watched as his opponent quite literally changed before him, and so did Risotto's opinion on him. The realization snapped in his mind as soon as he saw confidence twisting the man before him. Coupled with his erratic behavior, Risotto rightfully concluded that there were two of them. The first one, just a loyal henchman, but the other one...

"I had just thought you were the boss' most trusted man," he murmured, then pointed at the screaming man. "But you... to think that you..."

Pure glee forced a grin to his face. He couldn't remember the last time he felt wholly happy, to the point he was shivering like a careless boy.

"I can't wait to see what your face will look like once you die," he shouted in elation like no other, he relished in the bloodshed that took place and the agonizing wails of the boss, of that disgusting scum. Risotto would do anything to make this torture last an infinity or more, but he had to restrain himself. He had to do the right thing, finally, he could do it.

"There's nothing else you can do. I've won. I'm going to chop off your head," he exclaimed. "This is the end! Take this!"

At long last, triumph! His hands trembled as he lifted them up and up, and as he took a deep breath, his chest full of life and joy, he sentenced the boss to eternal death, "Metallica!"

And then, all of a sudden, horrifying pains reverberated throughout his body. It was only afterwards that he got aware of the gunshots.

He couldn't even move his hand to feel his wounds. He couldn't even process it. He was dying.

"I was winning..." He whispered in disbelief, denial, dread – for he was outsmarted, and he was beginning to realize how and why, despite the collapsing of his mind. "I would've won... but you had thrown the scalpels at them... boss..."

He fell, and all of his spirits did too. His blurry vision, tiring eyes, were subjected to the Sun's scorching light. He had no strength left to move them.

"I finally... figured it out..." And he wouldn't let it slip away, no. He would end the boss. He was determined now more than ever before, his mind was a mess, but he knew he would do it –

He swung a brisk glance towards this shadowed man who now stood by him, holding up Risotto's foot. He only recognized his arrival due to the absence of the Sun – the silhouette now hid it from Risotto. "I know your identity." Gore dripped from the boss' head as he tilted it slightly. Risotto's time was short, he was painfully aware, and he shortly pleaded,

"Before I die, show me... show me your face."

"I will not allow you to continue this conversation any longer, Risotto Nero," the boss told him, and proceeded to dialogue with a silent partner about his immediate death, his pride, his success, rubbing it in in Risotto's already devastated state. The boss offered an honorable death in exchange for iron in his blood, acting all high and mighty, all abominable in his greatness.

But Risotto would have a say in this noxious dialogue. With the remnants of his mind, he tugged at his vocal cords, the muscles of his punctured throat, to produce a hoarse, barely audible reply. The boss, naturally, did not hear, and he leaned in too close, demanding for a repetition, and hastily, the iron.

"I'm saying... that I won't die alone," he warned.

And somehow, Risotto gathered enough strength to grab the boss' shoulder, and he pulled that monster right against his chest, glaring at him with all the love that got corrupted into hatred.

Risotto announced, "Die!" And death came.

All that he knew, all that he felt, was a brisk fade of consciousness as it paled into light. What came next was inevitable in death: acceptance. He was forgiven at last.

Did it even matter? In reality, Risotto and all he loved, lost.

[undertalethingies]

Self Indulgent Self Insert Fanfic, Part One

I am sitting in my room, not doing much of anything, (as per usual) when I look up and notice that my mirror has apparently transformed into a solid wall of inky darkness as I’ve been spacing out.

And well- it’s not like I can not poke it, right? There’s a high chance I’ll seriously regret it, if my life has become the isekai it appears to be, but there’s a 100% chance I’ll regret it forever if I don’t touch it, you know?

Everyone always assumes I’m risk averse, that I like to play it safe, but the truth of the matter is I’ve just never found something I really want to take a risk with.

So, I push myself out of bed with a hand and go grab my shoes, because there’s no way in hell I’m touching something that might be a portal with no shoes on. Thankfully, I’m actually dressed for once, rather than being in my bathrobe like usual. 

Once I’ve got my shoes on, I grab my coat from where it hangs by my dresser and walk straight into what used to be my mirror. I hope my parents aren’t too worried by my disappearance. Maybe I’ll be lucky and this will be the kind of isekai that retroactively erases me from existence? That would be kind of nice, to exist without tethers.

The portal (because that’s what it is, I’m pretty sure) feels cool, but not unpleasantly so. Like when you first put on a fleece sweater and it takes a moment to warm up.

If this were a stereotypical isekai story, things would quickly become very unpleasant in this dark void, and some godlike being would reach out to grant me power beyond my wildest imaginings.

I’ve never been one to cave to expectations, though. Not even my own.

The darkness remains cool and comforting, and I continue walking forward because there’s no chance I’m going to turn back now, with so much possibility awaiting me if I only continue long enough.

Eventually, I feel as if I’ve passed some threshold, and something definably changes within me. Can’t say what, though. I’ve always kinda sucked at interpreting what my body is trying to tell me, so I’ll probably have to figure it out on my own.

At some point the darkness and walking grows boring, and so I do what I often do when bored, and curl up to go to sleep. This place isn’t cold enough for me to need a blanket, and I’ve got my coat with me anyway, so I’m fine. Sleeping on hard surfaces isn’t unpleasant, in my opinion, merely a bit annoying, since if you pick the wrong position you’ll inevitably wake up sore.

As always, consciousness takes a while to fade, so I occupy myself with grand imaginings about all the wonderful (and terrible, I’ve got anxiety okay, I can’t help it) things that might await me.

==

When I wake, it’s immediately obvious that something is different. There’s light now, for one, and for two I can feel something soft and organic beneath me. Judging by smell alone… Flowers? Waking up on a bed of flowers in a lit room… Well, I’ve always wished I could live in Undertale, if only so I could chew out the characters for bottling up their feelings so damn much. Hey, maybe if I’m lucky, that one headcanon I have about Sans secretly being a teenager will be right and I’ll be able to flirt with him without it being creepy.

Oh come on, like everyone attracted to dudes and not overly hung up about species concerns doesn’t want to kiss that guy, are you kidding me? Plus, I love puns and I’m depressed, surely we’ll get along.

Oh boy, I’m definitely going to die, huh? Thank fuck for my high pain tolerance and ridiculous resistance to trauma, am I right?

Finally, I open my eyes, because I like to wake up slow and I see no reason to alter my existing routine simply because I’ve apparently been yeeted into my favorite video game. Hey, speaking of favorite video games, will I get to visit Hollow Knight next? No, wait, that would probably suck, wouldn’t it. Ah, well.

The cave is just as beautiful as I always imagined it would be. Though it looked lovely in the game art, there’s truly nothing that can compare to seeing the sight in person, those marble pillars in a half circle around me, that single spot of sunlight in the ceiling far (far, far) above. Not to mention the lovely flowers I’m laying on at this very moment and- there’s a dead body under me, isn’t there. Is Chara going to show up, or am I left to be alone in my head?

Though their narration doesn’t actually start until you meet Flowey, in the game, so I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.

Wait.

Wait wait wait.

Which human soul am I taking the place of right now? Because I read a fic once where the protagonist wasn’t the seventh, even if it was a fakeout, and I very much do not want to be saddled with the fate of those poor bastards.

Though, maybe I’d be able to talk my way out? There’s no one who’d call me diplomatic, for sure, but I’m pretty great at knowing exactly where to aim an insult to utterly break someone’s spirit. (Unusual skill, I’m aware, but in my defense I was bullied growing up)(I say “growing up” like I’m not still doing it, like I’m not fourteen and trapped in a world where it’s an accepted fact that the protagonist will die, and several times over, too)

My first order of business is Flowey, before I can take the time to freak out, to hold myself tight and weather the sheer panic that Toto, I am not in Kansas anymore.

I get up. I give a last fond look to the beautiful cave I’ve “fallen” into, and I walk to the next room, hoping all the while that I’m not signing my own death sentence.

Once I’m a few feet in, there he is, in all his fucking glory.

Flowey the flower, the soulless remnant of prince Asriel Dreemurr, former hope of the underground, possibly still holder of the ability to control time itself.

Yeah, I’m definitely going to mess with him. Self preservation is for losers.

“You’re a flower with a face,” I say before he can start with his usual greeting. I have it memorized anyway, so it’s not like I’m missing out on anything.

He makes his T-T face, so I know this isn’t how he thought this would go. 

“Wow, human! What gave you that impression?” Ooh, sassy. Literally his only positive trait.

“Well I have eyes, see,” I was planning  to ask him probing questions, but honestly this is just as good. His expression doesn’t change as he says his next sentence, nor does his ever cheery tone, (and holy fuck his voice is just as vaguely creepy as I’d imagined, all that childlike innocence paired with the fact that he’s a mass murderer)

“Well howdy, human with eyes! I’m Flowey, flowey the flower!” He says. I don’t interject.

“You’re clearly new to the underground, and it looks like I’m the only one around to show you how things work around here! Are you ready?” 

…

“I’m really not, to be honest. I’ve got no idea what’s going on,” So my plan here, basically, is to stall until Toriel gets here. Mostly because I’m hoping that if he doesn’t get the chance to do his betrayal, he’ll keep pretending to be nice, which will be hilarious since I’ll know he’s faking the whole time.

Admittedly, this significantly increases the likelihood that Toriel won’t come to save me when he inevitably finds a secluded place to murder me, but if I think too hard about the long term right now I’m going to scream, so.

“Well you see, human, you’ve fallen into the underground, a land inhabited by monsters! Don’t worry though, we’re quite nice,” Oh right, conversation. I wonder how much info I can get out of him…

“What’s a monster? Like, I know what it means on the surface, but that definition is pretty vague, and I don’t want to be accidentally racist,” 

His face pops back to the usual smile. (Side note: his face looks like it was drawn on with sharpie and it’s totally messing me up)

“A monster is a being made of magic!” Ok, that’s… a bit vague, but not really inaccurate. I guess he doesn’t want to get into the science, which is a damn shame, since he probably knows it backwards and forwards due to all his reset shenanigans.

“Woah, cool. Magic is real? How does it work without breaking thermodynamics?” Finally, the question I’ve always wanted to ask. If energy can’t be created, how the fuck does Toriel shoot fireballs from her hands? What is she drawing on, what is the fire burning, how hot is it, how does it keep being on fire, etc. etc. repeat for every magical display in the game.

“Well, a lot of it isn’t super understood. Scientists have mostly been pinning it on ‘dark energy’ like they do with every other phenomenon they don’t totally understand,” I wonder why he’s so willingly entertaining my time wasting antics. I know, in game, he didn’t realize he’d lost control over the timeline until after his first talk with Frisk, so maybe he’s just waiting it out to see where it goes? And then of course he must be planning other things to do with me before he takes my soul and goes to the surface…

“God, I hate dark energy in science. I know they just call it that because not much is known about it, but I’m thirsty for knowledge, you know?” Actually ‘thirsty for knowledge’ describes my mood like 90% of the time. Huh, actually, I have that in common with Flowey, right? Even if his knowledge thirst is just due to boredom.

“Hey, human, me too! Learning new things is great!” There’s a loaded sentence if i’ve ever heard one. When was the last time he learned something new? He’s supposedly read every book in the underground, but how much information from that did he actually retain?

“Isn’t it? It’s why I love Youtube so much. Free information for anyone who cares to make a few clicks!” Wait, he probably doesn’t know what Youtube is, actually.

“What’s Youtube?” He asks, cocking his head.

“It’s a service where you can upload videos or watch videos other people have uploaded,” Not the most nuanced explanation, but it’ll do for now. Before Flowey has a chance to respond, a fireball manifests next to him. 

I don’t smile because I’m pretending to be shocked, but I’m laughing my ass off on the inside. The face he makes is even more ridiculous in person.

Enter Toriel, queen of the monsters, mother of no living children.

[clover-png]

character quirks!

originally this was going to be a list of passive and active character quirks (ex. passive = loves history but knows nothing about it, active = well, everything on this list), but once i started it, i realized that’s not how it works?? all of your quirks and hobbies and loves and hates leave stains on your personality, even in the tiniest ways. so here’s a list of quirks that actively change your character, with simple explanations! and please remember, this is strictly for characters. it is, in one way or another, based in stereotype! and humans aren’t built around stereotype, you are not built around stereotype. 

i don’t write about what I don’t know about, so almost all of this is taken directly from my own self or someone i know :]

only likes cold pizza/raw bagels/the off-brand version of a popular food - can indicate this character is a particular, detail-oriented person, and typically this type of person is not snobbish, but they are stubborn (if you’re looking for something similar to indicate the person is snobbish: they refuse to eat leftovers, wipe grease off their food, shuns fast-food restaurants) 

homeschooled/grew up homeschooled - coming directly from a homeschooler, we get a bad rep! not all homeschoolers are antisocial, extremely religious or have old-fashioned views on society. that being said, homeschoolers tend to act more like their parents and siblings than other kids do, and that’s where those stereotypes tend to stem from. while many homeschoolers are very sociable, it’s common for them to still be more reserved and a little more socially inept than other kids, just from lack of practice. homeschoolers also tend have a strong sense of loneliness, even if they have lots of friends/have graduated, that feeling will stick.

walks along the curb of the street, swinging one foot in front of the other - turning something as minuscule as walking along the side of a road into a silent game shows that they are in their mind a lot, they live in their imaginations. showing them walking normally can indicate that something’s wrong. traits that match with this quirk but aren’t necessary: quiet, optimistic

hates wearing hats/skirts/tights/etc. - a person that hates hats/skirts/tights/whatever is very much comfort before fashion. they’ll tend to not wear fully matching or fitting clothing and this can stem from a fear of change. if someone who openly dislikes wearing hats comes into the room in a beret, it’s change (yes, it can be as small as that. trust me, it took me 2 years to work up the courage to wear a non-formal dress in front of my family.)

always tapping their foot/bobbing their head/patting their leg - this means someone is more musically inclined than others, and it’s almost always subconscious. they probably play multiple instruments, and come from a family of musicians/music-lovers. close friends/family might make fun of them for dancing all the time, or someone might get frustrated when they won’t stop doing it during a serious moment 

zones out easily/can stare at nothing for hours - similar to the person walking on the curb, a character that tends to zone out on nothing for long periods of time is probably daydreaming about the other lives they could lead. they might feel like they’re stuck with the hand they got dealt in life. when things go wrong, they’ll probably get as far away from every person as possible and fantasize about running away and starting it all over. they don’t have to be loners, but they’ll typically feel isolated and different from their friends, maybe not as invested in their friendship as the other person is. 

having stuffed animals - a character, especially outside of young childhood, having stuffed animals can be a sign of their loneliness, the manufactured hug of a friend or soft fur of a pet when they don’t have the real thing nearby. a character with stuffed animals might be more empathetic and sensitive than others, getting upset if someone makes fun of them for it or holding extra tight onto one that fell or got damaged somehow. they also might have childlike fears or simply be more fearful than most, and the stuffed animals might be a sanctuary for them

draws slight attention to themselves in public (listens to music without earbuds, does things that could be done inside [painting, reading, stuff like that] outside, asks a stranger a question to prove their point in a conversation, wears bold clothes, talks loudly, etc.) - while it’s possible for these to just be seen as obnoxious/extroverted quirks, on a deeper level they can imply the character wants something to happen. they want to be seen by strangers. maybe they consume a lot of entertainment (books, tv, movies) and they subconsciously set up their life to be met with question, then a greeting, then a friendship, constantly giving “The One” a chance to appear. 

hates jewelry - fear of being trapped. a necklace feels like being choked, a bracelet feels like being chained down, a ring feels like circulation is cut off, but also take it in a figurative way. by accepting the jewelry, an expensive gift, they’re accepting that someone cares about them/they’re accepting that they have to wear it enough to make up for the cost. it sounds dumb i know but i can tell you from experience this is a very real thing

puts off work to the last second/procrastinates - i’ve really grown to hate that word. they grew up smart, or with an easy workload, and now they refuse to adjust to the updated workload. this one is short but there’s about a million posts on procrastination, and i’m sure there’s a more in-depth one than i could ever do! some ideas for prompts for this quirk is running out of time on something important, someone getting mad at the character for leaving the work until the last minute when they need them, being overworked, having a stress-induced meltdown and a love interest/forming friendship offers to help 

goes through phases rapidly - based on what kind of phases they are, this could show unrest at home for a secondary character. one day they go to MC’s house wearing florals smelling like fabric softener, soft rock music wafting through the air from their cheap earbuds. they’re making clever jokes and urging MC to go on a walk in nature with them. next week, they show up wearing a ragged, wrinkled black t-shirt and they have bags under their eyes, looking like they haven’t showered in five days. they’re being insensitive with their sarcastic cracks and impatient with MC’s reactions, maybe even admitting they didn’t know why they showed up in the first place. obviously that’s a dramatic juxtaposition, but just an idea.

a gentle vandal (carving their initials into old wood, drawing/writing in textbooks, letters to no one put in cheap bottles and thrown into the ocean, underlining passages in books, so on and so forth) - fear of being forgotten, a good romantic partner/close friend of this character would be someone who reminds them they’re not alone in the universe. 

never paints their nails/does their hair/wears extravagant clothes - fear of being seen as “different,” doesn’t want to be noticed by people. probably was bullied when they were young, or they have a family with a Reputation™ to uphold

struggles to accept compliments - a character that struggles with compliments, and basically any positive attention on themselves, would have low self-esteem to begin with. they probably didn’t grow up being seen as “pretty,” or someone made them feel ugly when they were young, regardless of whether it was true or not (example: Cinderella)

tips restaurant employees/delivery people way above the average/gives big gifts for small celebrations - this could mean they grew up in a upper class/upper middle class household and feels guilty for it, or that they grew up in a lower class/working class household and know what it feels like not to get gifts/have extra money. either way, it can give you insight to a character’s past without too much exposition, just a simple line of dialogue after an action. 

always has at least one band-aid on somewhere - this can show that a character is careless with themselves, or maybe that they have a very active mind and force their body to match it (running to write something down and tripping, getting excited about seeing something pretty to sketch in nature and getting scratched by thorns as they tried to reach it as fast as they could, etc.)

wears vintage clothes and/or watches old movies - in the most accurate sense, i think, a character who enjoys these types of things would likely have an old soul, they probably think life should be more exciting than it is, and they’re dissatisfied with the current state of humanity (this doesn’t mean that they have to have an old-fashioned mindset! i wear vintage clothes and one of my favorite movies is meet me in st. louis, but i’m still VERY glad we don’t live like they did. not everything that makes logical sense in life can be drawn together with a bow on top)

i hope this didn’t come off too preachy or anything? i mean, i don’t know shit, i just like writing and characters that make sense, and i feel like i see a lot of character flaw lists that are very.. generalized, and not everything works for every character! obviously you’re free to use any of these, but if you’d like to show me how you used them in your story i’d love to see it!!! feel free to message me any time!

[aviewfromtheclouds25]

Why do you like the lodge scenes so much?

Because it was compelling, romantic, high-risk drama fuelled by so much emotion and which actually served character as well as the plot… But I’m guessing you were expecting a longer answer than that? Haha. 

There are various reasons… Partly from a Robert perspective, partly from a Robron perspective… Both were equally amazing… (And also a lot from a because Ryan and Danny were just out of this world and the whole world (of Emmerdale viewers) were on the edge of their seats for two whole days perspective, naturally.)

Robert

What it did for Robert’s character is probably the main reason for me personally. I’ve mentioned in the past that I had some issues with the way his character was written during some of the affair era, particularly around the whole Katie saga. For me, it felt like Robert’s character had been watered down a lot and reduced to somewhat of a superficial caricature of his “bad” traits in order to fit the role of “villain”. Which wasn’t the character I’d watched and loved for years. Robert was a character with a long-standing history onscreen and established fans. We’d watched what he’d been through as a child; how that had affected him growing up; his relationship with Jack; we knew who Robert was even though the scripted version didn’t resemble him at times. Because it wasn’t continuous throughout the whole affair but there were definite phases. Kind of like a lot of the characters nowadays being written out-of-character to fit the plot. But with the plotty writing, I also didn’t feel like we got enough of his point of view to address his emotional reaction around the silly farcical stunts they were making him pull. A lot of the narrative basically neglected the fact that he really had any personal feelings about it at all, which obviously was absolutely not the case. To this day, Robert still hasn’t forgiven himself for anything he did back then. And the show just didn’t explore that enough for me back then because they needed him to be the big panto villain up at Home Farm, and it was just kind of frustrating that they chose to do that with a deeply complex character who already had such a rich legacy in the show which they chose to neglect or negate at times.

There were two standout moments to me where I felt like we actually got a real insight into how everything with Katie had affected him; the first was the scene where Robert told Diane about Andy going to the quarry and there was that shot which just focused on his reflection and you could see the conflict in his face (and I will always be so grateful to Ryan for his understanding of Robert’s character and for keeping that substance in his portrayal of Robert throughout, regardless of the scripts, because Robert is such a complex and three-dimensional character and Ryan’s acting ensured those layers were always there), and the second was the fight with Aaron in the lay-by when he goaded Aaron into hitting him. (Another amazing couple of episodes, just saying.) Those were the times when it felt like we got a true glimpse into the pain and the guilt that Robert was actually feeling. I just feel like it’s something which should have been explored more during that time, but it didn’t fit the narrative which was focused on the affair (which obviously as a shipper I loved so I can’t really complain about that haha) and how Aaron was coping. So you know, it’s what we call #plot. It was just disappointing that the integrity of such a big character with that rich heritage kept being sacrificed for it.

But it was the lodge where we finally got the breakdown. The lodge, for me, was the pivotal moment where everything which had frustrated me about the writing and the treatment of Robert began to change. I’ve always felt like when they were storylining this era, it was always with the mind to limit the cardboard / two-dimensional villain act and build that redemption arc. And the lodge to me absolutely represented the start of that…

So then the epicness of the lodge comes down to how this development of the writing for Robert’s character combines with the tragic messed up love story of Robron at that stage and the insanely powerful performances of Ryan and Danny…

Because love or hate the lodge (I get the sense it’s like Marmite? Haha. Although I’m not sure why anyone who hates it would be reading this post!), no one can deny the incredible acting… The tears, the angry flushing, popping veins, shaking… It’s all so intense, how could we not feel like we’re right there in the moment with them? And like I always say, the reason I admire Ryan and Danny so much as actors is because of just how real they make it all feel. I try to imagine other duos pulling off the lodge scenes and I just…can’t? And it was these scenes which really made me believe in the potential longevity that their partnership could have, whatever direction the show took the characters’ relationship in. Which brings me to how the lodge played into that longevity of Robron itself…

The Lodge

So I’m mostly going to focus on all the drama from when the proverbial hit the fan haha.

The Proverbial: Then what happened? Throw her through the floor and make it look like an accident? WHAT DID YOU DO, ROBERT?

The Fan: I PUSHED HER, THAT’S ALL… I pushed her.

The thing with the lodge scenes is that it’s all about the layers in them… There is so so much more going on than the plotty chaos on the surface. And what’s interesting (maybe haha) is that when Aaron loses control initially, it’s because of Paddy and the love there is between them. When Robert finally loses control, it once again boils down to Jack and the love he wished there’d been between them. It is utterly fascinating and captivating to watch because so much of the drama actually stems from the pain of their respective childhoods, but the drama becomes so intense because of how those similarities between the two of them and those very obvious differences actually clash…

Because, bearing in mind that notion of this being a pivotal moment for the direction of Robert’s character, so much of the action (actually what action there is doesn’t require much focus, it’s soapy drama, because all the poignant and key moments are in the dialogue when Robert sits on the floor with Aaron) actually stems from the fact that this is one of those crucial moments in which Robert’s worlds collide again. The life he had before with the family who always expected the worst of him; the life he’d built to show Jack that he was worth something and that he could have made him proud; and the life with Aaron in which he could truly be happy and himself but had never imagined could be a reality. But he’d risked losing everything he’d worked for by having an affair. By doing reckless things. By falling in love with Aaron. None of which Jack would have approved of. And then he’d risked losing Aaron by doing whatever he could to salvage that life that he’d built for himself. And so we get this line, which is what this whole thing ultimately is all about;

“If this comes out… I lose everything. All I’ve worked for…”

But Aaron actually doesn’t know what Robert means. He thinks Robert’s just talking about money and status, and he tells Robert that’s all he cares about. And this is perhaps the point of no return for Robert losing his control altogether. Because up until that point, Robert’s control began to waiver initially as soon as Aaron made his accusations about Katie. That moment (right before the proverbial hit the fan) was when we finally started to see a glimmer of that guilt that he’d been trying to ignore, to “bury”. He starts to lose his resolve the moment he visibly recoils from Aaron’s anger. Because he’d remained calm and composed up until that moment. Even when Aaron threw that line at him, “I thought I knew you.” (Which just makes the far more recent “I know you” of reunion 2.0 even more poignant and precious, to be honest.) But the moment Aaron turns it onto Katie, you can see the switch in Robert’s face.

But when the proverbial does hit the fan, it’s Aaron’s turn to recoil. Because it goes back to what he said a few moments prior; he thought he knew Robert. And he loved him. Remember what he later said the night that Robert was shot? “What sort of a person does that make me? That I can’t stop loving someone like him?” This is when that thought process began. And it’s absolutely key to how Robert unravels from this moment on. Because the fact is, he didn’t mean for Katie to die but he does carry far more guilt than Aaron realises. The difference is he’s shut it down, he’s refused to acknowledge it. But everything Aaron says in this moment brings it all to the surface and he can’t bear it. And he can’t bear that it’s all coming from Aaron.

Which brings us back to that line, about Robert losing everything if the truth comes out. (I mean, some other stuff happened in between and we had to wait 23.5 hours to find out what would happen next..! :O) And Aaron assuming he means material things because they’re all that matter to Robert, they’re “everything”. (Note that when Robert first arrived at the lodge, his comments were along the lines of "You know what, I like it. Good shout." and then there's that moment when he's looking outside and there's this childlike wonder on his face as he says, "I love that car. It's the best thing I've ever owned." So we are very much reminded that Robert is from far more modest beginnings than his current lifestyle, and he recognises that fact and how hard he's worked over the years to get there.) And the reason I suggest that this comment is the point of no return to the complete unravelling of Robert is because like Aaron now sees Robert in a new light, Robert’s also seeing Aaron differently too. Because like Aaron said he thought he knew Robert, Robert believed Aaron did as well. And suddenly he now sees that the man he risked “everything” for doesn’t actually seem to understand him at all. That the one person he let in, who he thought knew him, truly knew the real him - not the enigma he created to mask his insecurities or the black sheep of his family, but himself - and could see the good in him, didn’t after all. So at this stage he’s barely containing his emotions and is very much on the edge when he tells Aaron, “I wish that was all I cared about… I mean, don’t you see? It’s you. You’re the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Falling in love with you ruined everything.” Cue “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” “I met you and you changed everything.” Because the fact is Robert is terrified, everything he’s done has been acting out of fear. Because it does all come down to Aaron, and how deeply Robert fell in love with him (“at first sight” *not emotional*). But Robert isn't only scared of admitting his sexuality, he’s scared of losing that life he’d fought for to make himself worthy in Jack’s eyes, and he’s scared that he’s risked it all for a man who doesn’t even know him or want him anymore. He’s petrified by his depth of feelings, so he lashes out at Aaron and a lot of it is projecting because he hates himself for screwing it all up.

Which, of course, only provokes Aaron into lashing out in return. Because he’s disgusted at this man he’d fallen in love with and disgusted with himself for falling in love with him. So he challenges Robert to see if he really is capable of intentionally ending someone’s life, to test exactly what “sort of a person” he’d fallen for… And, to me, Robert’s intentions are pretty damn clear by the way he instantly puts the gun on the table and sits on the floor like that lost, anxious little boy again. The one he always returns to when he feels vulnerable and exposed.

And that is the moment we start to get into what’s really happening here, and a proper insight into Robert’s psyche when they start talking about Katie. And we truly start to see him crumble before our eyes. Because when it comes down to it, Robert has been carrying so much guilt over Katie. But he has buried it. Obviously because he’s scared and wants to protect himself. But it runs so much deeper than that. Because he ruined Andy’s life, and “That’s when I promised myself I would devote my life to supporting him. Stop him suffering any more pain.” Andy truly did need Robert to help him through his grief, so Robert had to stay strong for Andy as well as himself. And you know what? He never stopped carrying that promise with him. Fast forward a year and it was Robert getting Andy safely out of the country. And he didn’t stop there, he waged a war on the Whites so he could clear Andy’s name and bring his brother home. He risked the new life he’d built for himself to try to help Andy have the best one he could. It really is heartbreaking.

But the other thing with Robert’s guilt is it’s intricately linked to his own grief. He even says it to Aaron here, that he loved Katie once. And this is again where those striking differences between them come into play. Because Robert had always had a tendency to suppress his emotions and, in a way, it’s almost like Robert doesn’t actually know how to process his grief. He was obviously a baby when Pat died; when Sarah died, it was such a unique situation and Jack didn’t really support him through his grief as he was first suspected to be responsible for her death and then his focus was on helping Andy when he found out he was - and Robert later found out for himself that his brother was responsible and his father had hid it from him; when Max died, all the blame was put on Robert and he was sent away; and when Jack died, Robert stood at the sidelines of his funeral, an outcast to his own family. So every time Robert has had to grieve someone he loved, he’s never truly been able to. And to me, that grief he feels for Katie and for Andy has firmly attached itself to the guilt he feels, and he doesn’t know how to process either. So he’s just been trying to ignore them, to bury things the way he always does.

But what always strikes me when he’s talking about Andy and Katie is the way that as Robert is gradually falling apart, Aaron is watching him and crying. Because as much as he doesn’t want to, he does still care about (and love) Robert. (Because he “never stopped.”) And he genuinely doesn’t believe he’s “a monster”. But then Aaron’s own defences go back up, because what sort of a person does it make him if he can’t stop loving someone like Robert? So he pushes and goads Robert some more, all the while Robert gets more and more on edge because he is well and truly losing that control. He doesn’t want to go to prison *sob*, he doesn’t want to lose everything he’s fought for, but he loves Aaron and doesn’t want to lose him either. And that’s when we reach another turning point.

When Aaron tells Robert to “Do it.” Which fundamentally is about Aaron’s guilt and his need to punish himself far more than it’s about Robert. And that is the turning point, the moment the last thread of control Robert was holding onto is wrenched from him. Because Robert asks Aaron if he’d lied when he told him he loved him and Aaron’s response? “Of course I don’t love you. How could I? Just look at you. You disgust me. I wish I’d never met you.” And you can pretty much pinpoint the exact moment Robert’s heart breaks. His face is absolutely crestfallen. And stunned. Because the last bit of hope he’d been clinging on to was that Aaron had seen the real him and loved him. So maybe he hadn’t actually lost everything. (Because “He’s everything.” :’) ) But in this moment, Aaron convinces him otherwise and basically tells him he is just as unworthy of love as everyone else had always made him believe. And that is the moment Robert fully loses control because just like Aaron, all he ever really wanted was someone to love him for himself, unconditionally. And the one person he believed did is now telling him it was all a lie. That it wasn’t real. It wasn’t a love story. That he’d risked everything for nothing.

Now, what really gets me about this particular moment is how quick Robert is to believe Aaron. To believe that he’s worthless and unlovable. And this is all the more fascinating in retrospect. Because think back to Christmas 2014 and those scenes outside The Woolie, where Robert says “Yeah, I listened to you. You make a lot of sense.” So at this stage of their relationship, Robert very much listens to Aaron’s words. Now consider the juxtaposition of that when Aaron told Robert not to come to Gordon’s hearing early 2016 but of course he went anyway and said that line, “Since when did I ever listen to anything you say?” Since when did he stop? Because in that scene, we can see the progress in Robert and their relationship, because Robert now listens to everything Aaron doesn’t say. That was also the time that the whole “You know…” / “I know.” began. And we saw throughout that storyline and the way Robert supported Aaron, that he was very much listening to everything that Aaron wasn’t saying. So when did it change? When did Robert start recognising all the things Aaron wasn’t being forthcoming with? Definitely Robert’s shooting storyline played a big role, but I’d argue that the journey began earlier and a pivotal moment was these lodge episodes. How? I’m getting there…

So then we get Robert taking Aaron at his word again, pointing the gun at Aaron while they’re both crying and he’s just violently shaking because he has absolutely no control over his emotions right then, hence the words “I MEANT IT… I LOVE YOU.” (in which his voice absolutely breaks my heart) were literally wrenched from his very soul because he absolutely has no control over himself - because this is Robert; shrewd, calculating, manipulative, 100% in control, but in this moment he is completely exposed, his feelings laid bare in his absolute vulnerability, reducing him to his most authentic and raw self which is why we see that lost little boy who is just desperate to feel loved and to finally prove to his father that he isn’t the disappointment he wrote him off as. That he doesn’t “ruin everything [he touches]”. And that’s the crux of this moment, that’s what drove Robert to this, that’s why he’s in this state. Because there are two options: lose the person he’d believed until only a few moments before was the one person who could genuinely see the good in him and love him for who he is, or lose everything he’d worked for and the life he had created to try to be the son Jack wished he could have been. Because if Aaron told the truth about Katie, how could Jack ever be proud of his son if he went to prison for “murder”? Which is all the more poignant when you consider how it was Jack’s forgiving and helping Andy for his own accidental murder which instigated so many of Robert’s issues… *Trying not to think about Rob’s current predicament… Holding back the tears as Simply Red would say… Actually, check out those lyrics: “Strangled by the wishes of pater / Hoping for the arms of mater” - some random on the I.O.W. needs to go find him and give him a hug please.* And that’s what it boils down to in this moment; his unexpected but all-consuming love for Aaron, or the love he fought for and so desperately craved from Jack. And you know what? His decision is right there in his words, when he can’t stop himself from telling Aaron that his love for him was real. That everything they had was real. That the Robert he was when he was with Aaron was real. (“I just want to be myself now. With you.” *help*) Because in this moment, whether consciously or not, he knew that all of that meant more to him than the life plan Jack would never be able to give his blessing to anyway.

And all of this is why this may possibly have been one of the most heartfelt ILY’s in the history of soap. The circumstances may not be typically romantic, granted haha, but the sentiment…

But then pesky Paddy walks in of course. And Robert loses control of the gun and Paddy gets shot. Now, if we want to read into the fact that this all began with Aaron’s relationship with Paddy and Robert’s attempts to desperately cling on to the life he’d created to prove his own father wrong, then there is an argument in the significance and symbolism of it being Paddy who hunted them down and got shot. We could read it almost as though in shooting Paddy, it was like Robert shot his own memory of Jack. Because Paddy walked in on that crucial moment - when Robert told Aaron he loved him. Because even putting aside the SSW retconning of Jack finding Robert with a lad when he was younger because that obviously happened later, the fact is that Jack always disapproved of Robert’s actions and choices. He made him believe that he wasn’t good enough, that he was a disappointment, that he ruined everything he touched. That he wasn’t worthy of love. So Paddy walking in on that key moment in which, consciously or not, Robert’s only focus is that he loves Aaron is effectively like Jack trying to shut it down once more. That brutal reminder that he doesn’t deserve love or happiness.

Because remember, this is all about Robert’s worlds colliding. And this is how Robert totally falls apart and goes into meltdown. Because Aaron’s goading him, Paddy’s bleeding in front of him, and Robert just keeps asking himself “What the hell am I supposed to do now?” But it isn’t just that he doesn’t know what to do next, it’s that he doesn’t even know how he got here, how he messed everything up so badly, how he came to do any of these things. Because he isn’t “a bad person”. And as he finally falls to pieces against those kitchen cabinets, it is himself more than anyone else that he’s trying to convince of this. Because for so much of his life, people made him believe he was. And as per that self-fulfilling prophecy of his, when people expected the worst, that’s what he gave them. (You know who didn’t always expect the worst? Aaron. That’s why he got to fall in love with the man underneath all those layers.) So in this moment, he’s questioning if maybe they were right all along. He’s not only having a breakdown, he’s having a full-on identity crisis. He hasn’t a clue what his life - or what he - has become. Which is why he crumbles again the moment Paddy starts reassuring him that it “doesn’t have to get any worse”. Because Robert can’t handle hearing that reassurance, because in this moment he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

So after all of that, Paddy states he and Aaron won’t say anything. But it is only when Aaron speaks, his words again - “I’ve got nothing on you.” - that he believes it. And when it’s all over, Robert returns to Home Farm and seeks comfort and reassurance in Chrissie - there’s that hug where it’s almost like a child hugging his mother. Because that’s what it comes down to; Robert is still that scared little boy and he’s seeking comfort from the one person who still loves him.

And then Aaron decides to take that from Robert and blow the affair… - And this is actually perhaps when Robert stopped listening to Aaron’s words alone…

“All that you’ve worked for…IS GONE.”

And that’s what all of this really does come down to… Not only the deconstruction of Robert’s character, but also his life… Because with Aaron no longer loving him, in this moment, Robert really has lost everything for nothing…

He doesn’t have Aaron.

He doesn’t have the life he’d built.

He is right back to square one. The screw up. The black sheep. The disappointment.

But by breaking down Robert’s character, to get to the core and the heart of this long-standing character, and his relationship with Aaron, it marked the start of the very long journey to rebuilding them. And all of that, and the extraordinary acting from Danny and Ryan, is why I enjoyed the lodge so much.

The layers...

I MEAN IT… I LOVED IT!

(And this was one heck of a ramble, I’m sorry!)

[pastelbatfandoms]

Get to know my character

Doing this for My OC Marianna. Peter Hale’s Girl from Teen Wolf.

01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded? Marianna is a Spanish name and I am loosely basing her off of The Desert Wolf,which is why I chose that name. Even though Marianna is Native American. 

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness? Peter is definitely a Weakness,and her Insecurity over how she doesn’t feel like she’s strong enough to handle him. Turns out she was wrong. Peter is as weak and Vulnerable around Marianna,as he has told her “They are Imprinted and that can’t be broken.” Though when he told her that he was stalking her and showing his weakness in more Aggressive ways. That has stopped since he turned Marianna and became her Alpha and a Father. 

03. What would be their favorite physical trait about themselves? Her Strength and eyes paired with that smile that she knows can usually charm Peter into doing anything. 

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical) What others find Irritating,like Peter’s Sass and Sarcastic Wit,Marianna finds Funny and Sexy. They both share the same dark humor. As well as his fierce protectiveness for those he truly cares about like Herself,Malia and Derek. 

Physically? I mean that’s what attracted her to him in the first place,though he was younger then,but seeing him older didn’t deter her,it was more the History between them that did that. Peter is cute when he’s younger and still exudes that Charm and Confidence but as an Adult he is even hotter and that Primal Werewolf part of him doesn’t hurt either.

05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type? Definitely Confident. Though she didn’t have much experience until she met Peter. 

06. Do they have any hobbies that their lover finds unusual, odd, or otherwise annoying?Not Hobbies although Peter isn’t one for Teen Drama but Marianna is mature for her age,her denying she still felt a connection between them or had feelings for him after they broke up,is what irritated Peter though and spurred him on to pursue her more. After becoming her Alpha Peter found out an interest of hers that though surprised him,intrigued him more,That she was a Little,or at her age just very Childlike,he was already Marianna’s Alpha which has it’s Dom Tendencies,Sexual and not,so being her Daddy Wolf wasn’t much different and something that wasn’t new to him. But was made more special because of there deeper connection. 

07. Is there a catchphrase or sound that they tend to make a lot (likely without being aware of it)? Besides Growling when she feels threatened and her little girl voice when she wants something from Peter...It works on Derek too. 

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it? Her loner personality,even surrounded by so many Friends. She also has a quick temper which Peter sometimes reigns in sometimes encourages. 

09. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday? Being a White Wolf,Marianna is partial to Winter just because she can blend into The Snow better. Her favorite Holiday is her Birthday because her Pack,especially Peter ,spoils her and her Friends always take her some place fun. 

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine? A mixture of both.

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage? She’s a Wolf so...alot at first lol when she grows and becomes Queen to Peter’s Alpha she is more calm but anyone who comes for Her Family will definitely feel her rage. 

12. Is there some particular talent, skill, or attribute that they simply could not give up? Her Powers,She grew up a Witch,her Mother being a Shaman,but her favored Magic is her Telekinesis.

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker? She’s a heavy sleeper and can rarely sleep without Peter. Especially as a Human because he was so warm.

14. Do they live alone or with family? How do they feel about their family/roommates? She did live with Scott and his Mom after her Parents,who were Drifters left to Mexico. After High School she went to Arizona with Peter which is where they tried there hand at there own pack and had Malia.

15. Is there a certain person in this world that they cannot stand? The very mention of this person’s name makes them tremble with anger or fear. The Argents (Except Alison and her Dad),and any other Hunters that come for her Daughter or Peter. 

16. Is your character the athletic type or more of a couch potato? What are some sports/games that they like? lol Definitely more of The Athletic type now. Especially when it comes to sparring with Peter or Derek or Erica. before she used to be a Cheerleader,with the insistence of Lydia. But Marianna still loves watching a Movie or reading a Book while curled on Peter’s lap. 

17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children? She is both a Queen and a Mother. 

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode? She really doesn’t mind as long as her loved one’s are with her. It could be a Loft,an Apartment Downtown or a Cabin in The Forest. 

19. Would your character be the kind to get into fights? (physical or verbal) Would they be a good fighter or cave in rather easily?  She tended to avoid them as a Human,but as a Wolf well that’s a different story. Marianna is definitely well trained now. 

20. Does your character like animals? What are some of their favorite animals? Would they want pets? What about mythological creatures? Yes,Dogs of all kinds. Wolves,Coyotes and Wild Cats as well. 

I mean would Lycanthrope be too on the nose? lol

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear? Losing there Family,she’s already lost one of her Best Friends and members of her Pack,I don’t think she could bear to lose another. Especially Stiles,Lydia,Peter and Malia. 

22. What kind of tattoos, piercings, birthmarks, freckles, and other such unique physical features do they have? After becoming a Were and joining The Hale Family,Marianna received A Tattoo of the Triskelion on her inner wrist,signifying her Pack. 

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved? Marianna tended to slack off at school,much like Stiles,but she had a fondness for World History and got good enough grades to remain on The Cheer Squad. 

24. In their own words, how would your character describe what their lover is like? Personality wise? Powerful,Charming,Intelligent,Obsessive,Aggressive,Vengeful (when younger) Cunning,A Smart Ass,Fun,and a great Teacher as well as Father. (though he may not believe the latter) Peter can also be Sensitive and a good listener when in private. 

25. Is there something traumatic from your character’s past that greatly affects them even to this day? She’s already lived through it all and came out alive,she tends to not live in regret and taught Peter to not live in the past. 

26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc? I mean...I’ll make an A-Z Headcanon for Peter ♥

27. If your character was going to get arrested, what would be the most likely reason for it? lol as a Human,ditching school,but it would probably be with Stiles and Scott,getting caught by Sheriff Stilinski who would tell them to go back to school and that Stiles was Grounded. 

28. If your character became a celebrity, what would they be famous for? No idea. Maybe Dance. 

29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one? Almost Died.

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like? In Little Space (which is around 12 yrs.) She likes Coloring,Stuffies,Watching Wrestling,and playing with Daddy. Her little space is less when she becomes a Mother,but that’s not a bad thing. Otherwise she likes going out Dancing,Reading Murder Mystery’s with Peter,Watching Scary Movies,which Peter tends to make fun of her for.

”Haven’t you been through worse? Those aren’t even real.” “Peter shut up.” 

31. Would your character be the kind capable of killing? Would they enjoy killing or only use it when necessary or, perhaps, refuse to kill no matter what? They wouldn’t enjoy but if she had to she will. 

32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do? A Dinner Date with Roses,then going out into the night in there Wolf forms and playing Chase games,Marianna always lets Peter catch her though because she likes the end result ;)

33. If your character wanted to be alone, where would they go? The Loft or The Woods in her Wolf form. 

34. Does your character have favorite foods? (breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, etc) She’s a Carnivore ;) 

35. Is your character afraid of death? If they got to choose how to die, how would they want to go? Not anymore. She will die protecting her Pack or she won’t die at all. 

36. Does your character have any medical conditions? Are they serious or minor? Do they affect their day to day life? No. She had PTSD for awhile after what happened with Peter and later having to leave him and Malia. But that’s more mental. 

37. What are some of your character’s pet peeves? What are some things that annoy them or disgust them? When someone is obviously lying,making preconceived notions about a person,particularly Peter,even though she has done it. Hunters and pretty much everything they stand for,sorry Allison...Jealously even though she can get that way too. Though if it’s done in a protective way she doesn’t mind. Hard to rule that out with Werewolves though,especially an Alpha. 

38. What kind of weather does your character like? Cloudy skies, rainy days, sunshine, etc? Rain or Snow. 

39. When people look at your character, is there some assumption they might make about them just by appearance? Is that assumption correct? That she’s a Rebel and doesn’t care for Authority,which is kinda true. That she doesn’t make good Decisions and is letting Peter control her which is not true. 

40. Does your OC have any guilty pleasures they enjoy? Hobbies, past times, music, etc that they wouldn’t want known by others? Well not everyone knows about her Little side or about Peter and Marianna’s kinkier side and they don’t need to.

41. Does your character’s family affect your character in any way? Not Blood Family. But her Foster family (The McCalls),Her Friends,Her Alpha,Her Daughter and her Pack affect her daily life,they have to. 

42. Is there anything in your character’s past that they regret, haunts them, or they wish they could change? No,though Peter probably wishes he could change a few things...

43. Does your character have a switch that changes aspects of their personality whether they are around friends, family, etc. Is there someone who gets to see their true self? Just her little side and only Peter,Derek and Stiles knows about that. 

44. Is there a particular event that would emotionally devastate your character? If she had lost Peter and Malia to The Hunters. 

45. Is your character the kind to hide their true emotions or do they wear their heart on their sleeve? Both. She can be rather stubborn and only her Girl Friends,Stiles and later Peter have seen her Cry. But she does open up a bit more after having Malia.

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover? If Peter’s sitting in his favorite Velvet chair or the couch,Marianna will crawl up on his lap and nuzzle him,Peter usually doesn’t mind,causally stroking her hair as he talks to the group. Unless he’s upset then it takes a bit more prodding on her part. 

47. Is your character outgoing? Would they be the leader of the friend group, or the quiet one that gets dragged along? A bit. As a Human she was usually just a part of the fun,unless she wanted to spend time alone. As a Wolf she’s a bit more out going and Authoritative especially as an Alpha. 

48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious? Peter. Just being Peter lol Especially when she was trying to hide her feelings from him.

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood? Before they got back together,when Peter had some issues and was stalking her and killing those around her,she would have nightmares about him attacking her or turning her. As an Adult after she had to leave Malia and Peter,Marianna had nightmares about The Hunters killing them. 

50. If your character confessed love to their crush, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc, what would they say? Done that. It was in a life or death situation when she finally admitted,tearfully that she still loved him. After he recovered Peter told Marianna he was madly in love with her and Marianna finally accepted him for who he was.  

[briangroth27]

Dora and the Lost City of Gold Review

Dora and the Lost City of Gold is a very fun all-ages adventure! I’ve never seen more than a clip or two of Dora the Explorer, but that didn’t hurt the movie at all for me. The film starts with a summation of the cartoon’s style to get new audiences up to speed on the conventions of the show and it worked perfectly. I was in the mood for a fun jungle adventure flick, saw the good reviews this was getting, and I’m happy to report that it lives up to both those standards!

Full spoilers…

Isabela Moner more than capably leads the film as Dora, whose enthusiasm for learning, exploring, and life in general is absolutely infectious. Dora’s expertise in the jungle and her drive to find the lost city of Parapata were awesome! While her childlike enthusiasm is written as a side effect of being secluded from most of modern society to a large extent, it was refreshing to see a teenage lead who isn’t dour and down on life. Her dauntless willingness to go it alone when she had to was a relatable and realistic trait, and her acceptance of the fact that she was even stronger when she had a team backing her up was a cool message. I’m glad Dora didn’t lose her exuberance by the end of the movie or change to be more socially acceptable to her new high school friends, even if she does choose to stay and get to know them better rather than go off on another adventure. Her journey isn’t that she needs to remember to be herself regardless of whether she fits in or not, it’s that she needs to let people in to her world again, so Dora getting to remain true to herself while making new friends was very cool. Of course, it’s always great to see a female-led adventure film (particularly in this subgenre) with a nonwhite lead and cast (or at least the overwhelming majority of it) too! More of that please!

Dora’s cousin Diego (Jeff Wahlberg), her intellectual rival at school Sammy (Madeleine Madden), and everyman student (and impressive breath-holder) Randy (Nicholas Coombe) provided a share of challenges for Dora she wasn’t expecting at all: high school. Diego’s embarrassment over Dora’s personality felt like a realistic (though unfortunate) reaction to a younger sibling who doesn’t want to conform to high school society’s standards, while Dora’s scientific take on Diego’s feelings for Sammy was funny and built their sense of familial bonds nicely. Theirs is the strongest relationship in the movie and emotional core. I thought the breakdown of their bond felt realistic and painful (leading to Dora largely shutting everyone out as a kid and opening that wound all over again as a young adult) and that the repairs to their relationship were well-done and satisfying. I was glad Dora and Sammy’s rivalry wasn’t over some guy and that Sammy wasn’t written or performed as a mean girl, but one who was concerned about her standing in the class GPA. She also generally couldn’t understand Dora’s outlook, which is ironic given how Diego and apparently the other students at school don’t understand her, vilifying her for her outlook and “attitude” as well. The common ground she and Dora came to with Dora’s know-how and Sammy’s contributions to the quest for Parapata created a nice build to their budding friendship. I liked that Randy didn’t have toxic vibes to his crush on Dora, and he brought a nice balance of pure terror and truly wanting to help his new friends to the adventure. These kids have their issues, but none of them were ever unlikable and they all felt like real people, not caricatures or an adult’s attempt at writing “annoying youths” (or cartoons). I also liked that all four of them came together to keep each other alive and they all contributed to solving the traps protecting Parapata’s treasure. That was a cool way to unify Dora’s quest to save her parents (Michael Pena, Eva Longoria) and finish their search for the city with her arc toward sharing her life with people and depending on friends instead of just herself.

Dora’s parents don’t have much to do here, as they’re kidnapped for most of the film, but I liked how supportive they were of Dora (even if they were just as bewildered by some of her habits as her friends at school were). I really liked that they spelled out the distinction between exploring and learning vs. treasure hunting and plundering cultural artifacts. CBS’ Blood & Treasure made a similar point of noting who should get to display what artifacts (if they are to be displayed at all), and it’s good to see a more socially conscious approach to archaeology taking hold in the movies and on TV. Films like the Indiana Jones series are among my all-time favorites, but those artifacts don’t belong in an American museum, they belong to the cultures that originated them. I didn’t expect the movie to bring in an actual Inca royal/goddess (Q'orianka Kilcher) with an army to protect Parapata, but that was an excellent addition that felt totally natural with the world they’d established! I always want the supernatural stuff in films like these to be real, so seeing these people appear was very cool. It was also a neat twist on the formula (and execution of her parents’ guidelines on exploring) that Dora & co. didn’t get to keep the treasure, only increase their knowledge by confirming its existence.

Most of the villains are ultimately just muscle, but Eugenio Derbez’s Alejandro Gutierrez gets a lot of screen time thanks to initially disguising himself as a friend of Dora’s parents. He was affable enough that it was reasonable Dora and her friends would fall for his lies (particularly with the stress of their situation and his apparent rescue of them). I wonder if the more comedic persona he puts on was designed to fit with and manipulate Dora’s eternal optimism, which would be a solid take on the older generation manipulating the best intentions of the younger one to fuel their greed. He certainly uses their intelligence to further his own interests (and, depending on how deep his cover was, to keep him alive in the first place). He also personifies the old-school treasure hunter method of archaeology, contrasting him nicely with the younger, more socially and culturally conscious generation. I definitely wouldn’t have included him disrobing in front of teenagers though, even if it was caused by hallucinogenic pollen in an animated sequence. 

That moment not being a great look aside, it was refreshing that like Dora herself, a modern adaptation of a kid’s property didn’t take the “dark and gritty is cool and mature” path in an effort to draw in older audiences by ignoring what made the show a success in the first place. Instead, this fully embraced what I assume is the upbeat vibe of the cartoon and absolutely ran with it. They do poke fun at some of the conventions of the animated series, like Dora breaking the fourth wall to teach the audience vocabulary and science, but those self-deprecating jokes absolutely worked and it didn’t feel like the filmmakers were embarrassed by the source material or like they were outright mocking it. It would’ve been easy to make those moments part of the video diary/podcast she has at the beginning of the movie (particularly with the popularity of Instagram and Snapchat stories nowadays), but playing them straight and just having everyone else think she’s weird was so much funnier! Her Map (Marc Weiner), Backpack (Sasha Toro), and possibly her pet monkey Boots’ (Danny Trejo) abilities to talk were played as her childhood imagination and/or hallucinations, which felt like the right balance for the very fun, heightened reality she lives in. I’m glad that they kept the talking, masked fox Swiper (Benicio del Toro) here as well: he feels like a major part of the series’ world and I’m sure fans would’ve been bummed if they left him out. I loved that the questions surrounding him from our heroes were not that he was a fox working with mercenaries, but just that he wore a mask!

While Dora works for all ages, kids are definitely the main target audience and some of the other humor reflects that. I’m not a fan of toilet humor—it’s not that I find it inherently juvenile, I’ve just never thought it was funny—but the two gags in that realm here (quicksand that sounds like farts and the difficulties of using the bathroom in the jungle) didn’t go on long enough to make it feel like this was only for kids; it felt like this was just one style of comedy at play among many. Like Alejandro’s pollen trip, I wouldn’t have included everyone running by Sammy while she was using the bathroom though. Unlike so many movies described as “all ages” but which are really just for kids, the rest of the movie’s comedy, the character development, and the action-adventure sequences totally work regardless of your age and they successfully made it feel like our heroes were on a real adventure with actual dangers. Even if “jungle puzzles” aren’t a thing in the real world, the ones showcased here felt classic and were a lot of fun to see our heroes solve. The pacing moved the story along briskly, but I didn’t feel like Dora’s problems fitting in (and letting others in) were rushed or underdeveloped. The score hits the exact right vibe for this and I liked the original song at the end of the movie too.

If you’re like me and in the mood for a fun, all-ages jungle adventure with a great cast, good action, and a solid emotional core, Dora and the Lost City of Gold will absolutely deliver! I’d definitely watch a sequel. If this one’s still in a theater near you, go see it!

 Check out more of my reviews, opinions, and original short stories here!

[elevenspond]

it’s absolutely staggering how many people insist amy pond and clara oswald are nothing more than idealized caricatures while in the same breath claim rose tyler and donna noble are the most relatable companions in doctor who. if you ask me, amy and clara are two of the most realistic female characters i’ve ever seen in fiction.

let’s start with amy. in season 5, one of the central difficulties she has to overcome is her fear of commitment to rory and her initial reluctance to get married. a fear of commitment in fiction is usually portrayed in male characters despite it being common in reality across all genders, and it doesn’t come from a lack of love for the other person. amy experiences a fear of devoting herself fully to someone after all of the abandonment she suffered throughout her childhood (parents that were mysteriously never around, the doctor leaving her waiting, etc). but she overcomes this fear after being confronted directly with the loss of rory and finishes the season happily wedded to him. she faces realistic, internal challenges in her life and conquers them over the course of her own character arc. amy does this again in season 6, when she has to face the fact that the doctor is not the fairytale hero she’s seen him as ever since she was a child; that he won’t always be able to save her, and that he is as imperfect and vain as anyone else. and although it’s heartbreaking, amy accepts this about him and moves on from her own idolization of him. this arc of her character represents the moment we all experience when we stop seeing the world through the eyes of our childhood selves and realize its imperfections, as well as the moment when we learn to accept those imperfections for what they are. after this, in season 7, amy is ready to move on from a life of adventuring with the doctor to a life of normalcy with her husband. an ordinary lifestyle may not seem appealing to many of us, but to most people on this earth, it’s all we will ever have, and amy’s development into someone who can leave behind her childhood fairytale in order to live out normal days with the person she loves--- it’s so applicable to real life, and quite frankly, so inspirational.

now, on to clara, whose arcs are a bit in the reverse order of amy’s. when we first meet clara oswald in season 7, she’s an ordinary young woman who is swept away into adventures across time and space with the doctor. she’s witty, clever, bossy, confident, and wholly unique as an individual, and despite all of that, so much of clara remains ordinary. in season 8, she works as a school teacher, one of the most mundane (yet extremely important) jobs in the world, and she falls in love with a fellow teacher. she balances a life of traveling with the doctor with an exceedingly ordinary life. “normal is overrated” she says, but the fact remains that she’s still an ordinary woman even while being so clever and brilliant, and her arc in season 8 is about clara accepting that she can do ordinary things while still being extraordinary, which is honestly so inspirational.  then comes season 9, and therein lies the tragedy of her character. clara has suffered a personal loss of incredible magnitude in danny pink’s death, severing the strongest tie to her ordinary life, and in attempting to move on from her grief, she throws herself fully into her travels with the doctor. she becomes more reckless, more unafraid, more confident in her own dangerous choices and actions. it’s such a realistic way of dealing with, or in this case, suppressing immeasurable grief. not everyone reacts to loss this way, but many do, and for many, the reckless lifestyle they embrace in order to forget the pain is more destructive than the pain itself. and this is exactly what happens with clara. she continuously takes risks throughout season 9, always confident in her own ability to calculate the odds and pull through, until her overconfidence leads her to a risk that proves fatal. clara oswald is killed by the self-destructive way she dealt with her own grief. this is unbelievably realistic and tragic. it’s also something that, like amy’s fear of commitment, is an arc that’s usually only written for male characters. although the doctor manages to bring her back with a time stream loophole, her fate is sealed, and she’s forever destined to die in that moment of time. so she goes off into the universe in her own tardis, traveling through time and space, always running from her own fate, from her grief, from everything that will ever hurt, plunging herself into the ultimate distraction from all things ordinary, just like the doctor does. it’s a bittersweet ending for her arc, and it echoes something that is very real in a lot of people’s lives.

tldr: amy is relatable in the childlike wonder she retains and the way it’s consistently challenged; in the fear she feels toward devoting herself to others that is rooted in issues of abandonment; clara is relatable in the absolute normalcy of her life outside of the doctor; in the overwhelming grief she experiences over a loss and how she avoids that grief. they aren’t mere idealized caricatures. they are flawed, and they face distinct challenges in their own personal outlooks with arcs that give them proper resolutions, whether happy or sad, to these challenges.

now, let’s look at rose tyler and donna noble, the two companions people most often relate to.

rose is a completely regular teenage girl. her school grades were consistently average, she has no particular talents to speak of, she works in a shop, she has no future prospects for a better job or higher education, and nothing special has ever happened in her entire life. rose is the absolute peak of ordinary, which is why so many people relate to her. we could all easily fit ourselves into her shoes. i also like eating chips and am bored 24/7. but then the doctor whisks her away, and her life begins to revolve solely around him. this is where the relatability nose dives for me. we’re all searching for the escape that will let us ignore how boring or awful the world around us is for a little while, whether that’s music, books, a new fandom, anything at all. traveling with the doctor is rose’s permanent escape from her world. the thing is, this is never portrayed as anything but a good thing. the doctor is rose’s whole new life. she occasionally visits home, but it’s only a visit, nothing to indicate that life on earth is something she’ll ever want to dabble in again. she’s been completely liberated from all the troubles she once faced. i can’t relate to this at all, because there will never be anything that will whisk me away from needing a job, needing money, or needing an education. what rose experiences is a full blown pipe dream. yes, it’s fun to watch, and think about, and wish for, but it isn’t exactly relatable. rose is never portrayed as a character who is avoiding the challenges of regular life--- she’s just having a great time. even when she’s trapped in a parallel world, she doesn’t have to return to the mundane life she once knew. she works with torchwood and continues on in that same vein of alien threats, time and space, alternate dimensions, etc., where her brand new true potential thrives. she gets to focus on reuniting with the doctor, and the only challenge she faces is the actual act of crossing worlds, not any kind of personal challenge. one might say she has to deal with the difficulty of living on with a meta crisis clone of the doctor instead of the real doctor, but that’s a different rant. rose simply never had an overarching character development in which she could confront her own personal flaws, which is something that made amy and clara so relatable. she simply had a great time with a handsome doctor she fell in love with, and then circumstance pulled them apart.

now, for donna. i do love donna. i love the friendship she has with the doctor, but the foundation of her character is very similar to rose’s. donna is an incredibly average woman who has worked a series of temporary jobs, never feeling important, but always wanting more. it’s another character template we can all easily fit ourselves into. donna does have an arc where she confronts her own lack of self worth over the course of season 4, an arc that is met with her being told that she is the most important woman in all of creation. every companion has a title associated with them: amy is the girl who waited, clara is the impossible girl, martha is the woman who walked the earth, and donna noble is the most important woman in the universe. donna’s struggle with self worth is met with the fact that she is the most important woman in creation because she's the woman who saves all of reality from davros and the daleks, however this is where this arc still loses all trace of relatability for me. donna doesn’t become the most important woman in all of creation in light of her own ordinary qualities--- she only becomes this by becoming part time lord and, in her own words, by gaining “the mind” of the doctor. donna as herself already had great potential, but her arc of dealing with her own self worth is resolved by giving her the attributes of someone else, and only by happenstance. it’s played off as destiny or fate, but all she had to do was touch the hand and the meta crisis happened on its own. and yes, the narrative insists that it’s donna’s human traits that make her even more intelligent than the doctor when she’s part time lord, but the fact still remains that she required part of him to reach that potential at all. like rose being liberated entirely from her own boring life, this just isn’t realistic, and therefore isn’t relatable.

donna and rose are both people who need the doctor in their lives, and without him, they feel either worthless or as if their life has no meaning. contrarily, amy and clara develop themselves as characters who are able to exist separately from the doctor, who have their own personal conflicts apart from him and who forge lives outside of him. amy and clara are both involved in the overall stories that are led by the doctor, but they also both have internal struggles that are independent of him and are resolved as part of their own development, sometimes with his help but never because of him.

maybe someone out there reading this disagrees with me. but this is my observation after seeing so many people claim that amy pond and clara oswald are worse, less likable, and less relatable than rose tyler and donna noble.

(and if anyone is wondering why i didn’t talk about martha or bill, it’s because i don’t see anyone calling them either relatable or unrelatable. in fact i don’t see people really talk about them at all, which is an entire problem in and of itself, and is why i didn’t include that problem in this rant)

[toaarcan]

Sonic X, Sonic Heroes, and IDW, or: How a bad anime from 2004 spoiled a comic from 2019.

Now, I haven’t been following IDW Sonic all that closely. I get regular updates from Nemesis via Discord, and additional info from some of the Tumblrs I follow that are invested in it, but I don’t really have a desire to touch it myself. Here’s why.

There’s a multitude of reasons for this. Starting with the background of Sonic Forces wasn’t really a good place to begin from, and being based on present-day game lore in general was always going to hurt it, mainly because SEGASonic canon is currently a confusing mess of retcons brought on by Iizuka taking the J.K. Rowling approach.

Wait, no, he’s just saying stupid shit that contradicts previous canon, not trying to score woke points and hoping nobody notices the frankly terrible stereotypes and TERF tweets. Iizuka is taking the Greg Farshtey approach.

Added, as anyone that’s had experience with my opinions will tell you, I started falling out of love with Ian Flynn’s writing somewhere around Issue 200, and moved to outright dislike during Mecha Sally, and to make matters worse I started noticing that some of the flaws in the 200-247 era were also present in the 160-199 era, retroactively making those harder to go back to.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I kept up with Archie for the SatAM cast. SatAM reruns back in 2004 were my Sonic, moreso than anything else, and even now I still have way more attachment to those two seasons of animation than I do to most other aspects of the franchise, warts and all. So Archie providing me with additional content for said characters was a major draw for me. I’d generally put up with a lot just to get myself more SatAM content.

That in itself is a large part of why I fell off the Archie train during Mecha Sally. The entirety of the SatAM cast were removed from the regular lineup, just leaving three SEGA characters with their personalities stunted, even if that didn’t make sense in-universe. But that’s a discussion for another day.

So being written by someone whom I no longer enjoyed the writing of, set in a mess of a canon with a thoroughly shite game as the main basis, without the cast I read the previous comics for gave me little reason to invest in IDW Sonic. It wasn’t for me, I’d just keep reading Transformers and move on.

Then MTMTE/LL ended with a heart-twister and Ex-RID ended with a giant Unicron-shaped fart, and the new comic is dull as fucking dishwater and started by killing off one of my favourites, who was also one of the franchise’s confirmed LGBT characters. So now IDW is getting none of my money. Which is good because I’m broke.

Tangents aside, my lack of interest wasn’t something set in stone. If it turned out that the comic was actually really good, then sure, I’d try it. I was up for being proven wrong. But so far, I haven’t felt compelled by the responses from the internet. If anything I’ve been more turned off.

I could talk about how zombies are really fucking boring. I could talk about how SEGA’s recent confusion over what to do with Amy has combined with Ian’s need to include a Sally-esque character to make IDW Amy into Sally Lite. I could talk about how Ian seemingly fundamentally misunderstood everything that was cool about Neo Metal Sonic and somehow managed to reduce him to a boring Eggman minion in an arc where Eggman was out of action due to amnesia… But I won’t.

Instead I’m going to talk about how the comic has done something that would legitimately make me think twice about picking it up even if the FF were to debut tomorrow.

Yeah, I would pass up a SatAM fix because of this, that’s how much this ticks me off.

Now, I presume that if you’re reading this, you have a favourite Sonic character. And you probably feel pretty strongly about how your favourite character is portrayed. If they get a bad run in a game or two then you probably get a little salty about that. Tails and Knuckles fans in particular, as of late, seem to be the ones getting the short end.

Well, my favourite character in the entire franchise is Emerl the Gizoid. I will take Gemerl as a worthy substitute, they’re basically the same character. And the comics have been doing them dirty since the Archie reboot.

(Sidenote: I will be referring to Emerl with male pronouns from this point on. The Maria-soul thing isn’t as widely known as I’d like it to be, so I’m going to compromise for the sake of keeping the focus on the actual point)

However, not everything about this can be laid at the feet of Ian Flynn. Arguably his portrayal of said character is merely a symptom of a long-running issue that has plagued Sonic storytelling for roughly 15-16 years now.

But before we get into that, let’s get into something important: Why Emerl is my favourite Sonic character.

Part 1: Emerl in Sonic Battle, or “How I learned to stop worrying and love the Gizoid”.

This game doesn’t get enough love.

Now, I totally understand why it doesn’t get enough love. There are game design choices, like the grinding and the repetitiveness of the story mode that really drag it down, and because of that, Battle can become a slow-going and tedious experience, and that’s a real shame, because the story that’s hidden in this game is a thing of beauty.

Like most Sonic games from the 2000s, this game introduces a new character to join Sonic’s list of friends. Unlike the games that aren’t SA2 and Sonic Rush, this new character is actually good (This is hyperbole, Omega, Silver, and Shade were fine too).

Emerl enters the story as a mute, barely-functional robot that doesn’t do much of anything for a while, and only seems to come to life when Sonic locates it and attacks it. However, as the robot absorbs more Chaos Emeralds, slowly a personality starts to form, largely pieced together from other characters’ traits.

Emerl, as he is dubbed, is initially childlike and naive, but as he grows he develops a sassy streak, and his speech becomes a lot more developed. Maturity sets in, as Emerl grapples with his own nature, particularly the legacy he carries from the ARK, and Shadow’s ongoing turmoil with regards to the whole “Living Weapon” deal. Ultimately he becomes a hero, following in the footsteps of his mentor, parental figure, and closest friend, Sonic.

That’s right, Sonic, not Cream, is Emerl’s closest friend. We’ll get to that.

But this heart-warming story of Sonic becoming a dad for a robot doesn’t have a happy ending. Despite Shadow and Rouge finding a way to neutralise Emerl’s destructive Gizoid programming, Eggman has a way to reactivate it anyway, driving Emerl into a berserk rampage. This is kind of the one sticking point I have with the game’s plot, Eggman shouldn’t have been able to do this after Shadow and Rouge neutralised Emerl.

Additionally, while Emerl was on the ARK getting Maria’s soul crammed into him, Gerald also added a self-destruct mechanism that would trigger if he ever went Ultimate again.

So with Emerl quite literally exploding with all the power of the Chaos Emeralds, but his destructive programming forcing him to turn Eggman’s latest Death Star knockoff on Mobius/Earth/Sonic’s World, Sonic races up to confront his mecha-child, and things take a turn for the Old Robot Yeller.

In a moment that really deserves more attention, Sonic confronts his own child on the bridge of a space station, while Emerl is running on the power of the Chaos Emeralds and outputting more energy than he can physically take, and they fight. In the space of thirty seconds, they have a ten-round knock-down, drag-out brawl, and at the end, Sonic stands triumphant. Without using a single transformation. Yeah, that’s how powerful this guy is, that’s not travel speed, that’s combat speed. Looking at you, Death Battle.

It’s not really clear whether Sonic outright defeats Ultimate Emerl, or just survives long enough for his opponent to reach his limit and self-destruct, but the end result is the same. Sonic cradles a robot that became his own child over the course of the past few weeks, someone he raised from a baby-like state into a mature and heroic individual, and Emerl looks up at him and asks “Sonic… am I going to die?” And despite Sonic desperately trying to get him to keep it together, Not only does Emerl die, but he’s aware that the end is coming, and bids farewell to all of his friends as Sonic pleads with him to hold on. Shadow is equally distraught, his only friend with a connection to the ARK, someone he can call a brother, someone who carries the soul of his deceased sister within him, is dead.

Emerl: “Sonic I don’t feel so good.”

Like it’s canon that Eggman basically murdered Sonic’s kid.

And goddamnit this ending hits me hard. It frustrates me that Eggman was able to pull a means to drive Emerl into his Ultimate freakout mode out of his arse, but other than that, it’s so gutwrenching, I love it.

Gamma’s story from SA1 gets a lot of praise on the Internet, but for me, this is even better. It’s like Gamma’s story, but if Gamma was actually central to the plot of the game and the characters other than Amy gave a shit about him, and gave a shit about him for longer than a single cutscene, after which they are never mentioned again. Hell, due to Chaos Gamma being a thing, Gamma gets more love from the other characters in Battle than he does in SA1.

But, unfortunately, it doesn’t end there.

Part 2: (Sonic) Anime was a Mistake, or: “Sonic X ruins everything.”

I’ve made my dislike of this anime quite clear in the past. The characters are flanderized, Sonic is a B-lister in his own damn show, the villains are weaksauce or boring or both, the plot is only remotely close to good when its cribbing from two videogames which told the stories in question better, and for the first two seasons the entire show actually revolves around not Sonic, but the least relatable audience surrogate ever made. The third season would continue to include him, but shove him (And everyone else) to the side in favour of a Pokemon whose only move was “Flashback”, making audiences the world over question why he was even there in the first place.

Oh, and it also near-singlehandedly destroyed the thin shreds of character development that Tails, Knuckles, Amy, and Eggman had received in Sonic Adventure 2.

All four of these characters had been significantly enriched by the then most recent console game. Eggman had been revealed to be motivated by an admiration for his grandfather, Gerald Robotnik, but in the same game learned that Gerald had lost his marbles and programmed the ARK to smash into the planet and kill everyone on it, probably including his surviving family, i.e. little baby Ivo Robotnik. Gerald betrayed Eggman posthumously, and it’s clear from Eggman’s interactions with Tails during the credits of the game that this is giving him a lot to think about.

Knuckles is a weird case because most of his characterisation in SA2 is conveyed via… the lyrics to his rap music. Yes, really. He gets minor growth through the cutscenes, most notably in his decision to shatter the Master Emerald early on. Having already reassembled it once after it was broken in SA1, he’s now confident that he can do it again, so is willing to break it to prevent Eggman or Rouge stealing it. Via the rap lyrics, however (Yes I just wrote that), we also learn that Knuckles is slowly warming up to Sonic, gaining a greater respect for him, that he is more in-touch with his history and ancestors after SA1 (Though fortunately not in a Ken Penders way), and that he’s also struggling with feelings for Rouge, a plot element that went completely out of the window after this game.

Tails and Amy, however, get it the worst, as both went through arcs in SA1 that are followed up on and expanded in SA2. Amy had come to the conclusion that she didn’t need to rely on Sonic for everything, and that she would make him respect her as a hero in her own right. And while Amy is clearly in way over her head throughout the events of SA2, she still makes a significant difference, not only freeing Sonic from his cell on Prison Island, allowing Tails’ invasion to be a distraction and stealing a keycard to facilitate it, but of course, she later saves the world by motivating Shadow to join the fight to stop the ARK drop.

Tails had a similar plot, about learning to believe in himself as a hero, without having to rely on Sonic, and in SA2 he gets to prove it, not only partaking in the same rescue operation as Amy and fighting Eggman on even footing, but effectively taking command of the heroes and becoming their new leader, and for the first time, Sonic defers to him.

And then Sonic X came along and fucked it all up.

Eggman became a clownish antagonist with no semblance of nuance, and he actually got off the easiest.

Knuckles became a loud, dimwitted loner who got tricked by Eggman constantly, which would go on to be his personality for the rest of the franchise, ultimately culminating in the travesty against all sense that was Boom Knuckles.

Tails was reduced to a wimpy taxi driver, incapable of doing anything without his giant mecha plane to sit in. This was largely exacerbated by the presence of Donut Steele, who usurped his role as Sonic’s best friend and sidekick for two seasons, a problem which only got worse in the third season when Donut Steele suddenly became a genius inventor too, encroaching even more into Tails’ territory. Tails did get himself some more focus in S3, but only to make googly eyes at the Pokemon, a role which frankly could’ve gone to literally anyone else and would have made no difference on the plot. I would say that Tails being involved in a romance story at all is weird, but given the comics and Boom the weirdest thing about this latest tragic love story for the kid is that the Pokemon was actually close to his own age, because outside of this it really does seem like Tails goes for older ladies. Though she did turn into an adult at the end so I guess that counts?

But Amy arguably got the worst of it. Not only was her crowning moment in SA2 taken away from her and given to Donut Steele, but the poor girl had her promising character arc cut short and replaced with an obsessive, unhealthy fixation on Sonic, combined with a violent temper and an eagerness to smash anything that displeased her, Sonic included, with a giant hammer. Her admiration and crush on Sonic were warped into her being a possessive, mean-spirited stalker, whom only got away with it because she was an anime girl and therefore it was cute rather than creepy.

I want to take the time at this point to stress that stalking is not okay, under any circumstances. A girl obsessively following an older guy and threatening him and everyone around him with violent assault if they ever so much as imply that he isn’t interested in her is not cute, it means it’s time for a restraining order. Sonamy is not cute.

Now that I’ve swatted that particular hornet’s nest with a cricket bat, let’s move on!

I’ve always found it ironic that, despite being the adaptation with the most oversight from SEGA and Sonic Team, and the most endorsement from them too, Sonic X had easily the worst characterisation of any of the shows at the time. But, for all its faults, I can’t blame everything that went down in the aftermath on it. It had a comrade-in-arms. Mediocrely-written arms.

Part 3: Partner in Crime, or “Sonic Heroes also ruins everything.”

Sonic Heroes has a lot to answer for. And I mean a lot. It was the beginning of the franchise’s obsession with references to the classic games, it codified the really awkward ages for certain characters, and it seemed to be dedicated to completely unpicking everything established in the Adventure duology.

Shadow’s sudden resurrection is one thing, at least they had the graces to include a means to preserve his sacrifice via having him be an android, the blame for that not taking should be laid at the feet of his own game.

But the rest of the cast? Ohhh boy. Sonic’s still fine, he didn’t change much in the Adventure games, but then there’s Tails. Despite all the development he went through in SA1, in this game he needs to turn to Sonic when Eggman returns, and honestly this whole setup could’ve been fixed if Tails sought Sonic out not for the sake of having him lead the charge, but rather simply to recruit him into the counterattack he was already planning. Nevertheless, throughout the rest of the game Tails is almost as wimpy as his X counterpart, not helped by the voicework he’s given. No offense to William Corkery, who was probably like six when he recorded his lines, but this what you get when you choose actors via nepotism, rather than talent. But at least he does something.

How about Knuckles? As the other side of his derailment, Knuckles just turns up in this game, buddy-buddy with the characters he was only just starting to warm up to before, and blatantly not caring about the Master Emerald until Rouge mentions she’s going to steal it at the end. This will combine with his becoming a dumbass in Sonic X and become basically his entire character for… ever. Even in Forces, where he’s supposed to be doing slightly better as the leader of the resistance… but he’s a dumbass, and even Ian Flynn, who kept Knuckles as competent and intelligent in the Archie comics (Making the best version of Knuckles we’ve had in forever), kept this ongoing in the IDW comic. The Forces prequel portrays him as deciding to become leader of the Resistance (To an empire that hasn’t actually formed yet) purely to be a glory hound, and then goes on to establish that he was basically a figurehead while the real work was done by Amy, of all people.

And speaking of Amy…

Yeah, poor Amy is basically her Sonic X counterpart. But worse. I didn’t think that was possible, but at least X’s Amy seems to care about her friends. In Heroes, we’re treated to an equally violent and stalkerish Amy, who ostensibly starts searching out Sonic because he’s implicated in the abduction of Cream and Big’s pets, but when they actually catch up to him, Amy clean forgets why she is looking for him in the first place and tries to force him to marry her. Despite being twelve.

Y’know when Amy said she wanted to marry Sonic in SA2, she was joking, right?

This is why I find the idea of Amy being the real leader of the Resistance frankly absurd: Because the only time she led anything, it was a team that consisted of herself, a small child, and a man less intelligent and aware of reality than said small child, and she completely forgot their actual objective the moment she set her eyes on Sonic. Add in an unfortunate stint of very poor eyesight that got less and less understandable with every instance, and we got Amy’s rough personality for the next decade.

While Knuckles mostly stagnated at the same level of stupidity during that time, Tails got worse and worse, losing all of his badass traits with every game, a factor only increased by the “Sonic only” mentality costing him playable status, until he reached his nadir in Forces, cowering in terror from Chaos 0, and crying out to Sonic to save him, despite knowing full-well that Sonic was captured already.  Amy, meanwhile, limped along at the same level until about 2014, where it seemed someone at SEGA finally realised that A) Having the only female character you regularly use be a pink-coloured gender-bent version of your male hero whose only function is lusting after said hero doesn’t and shouldn’t fly in this day and age, and B) violent stalkers aren’t cute, and dropped this trait. Unfortunately, this has been more of a lateral move than a fix, as, much like Antoine in the comics, they forgot to give her anything substantial or fitting after she lost her negative traits, leaving her a bland and dull character, and when you’ve had a character be consistent for ten years, even if they were consistently bad, then changing it without cause or warning is still going to be jarring and awkward.

Part 4: Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right, or “Why the fuck did this happen?”

As I said in Part 2, Sonic X was made under heavy oversight from Sonic Team, and was heavily endorsed by them at the same time. There were promos for the show inserted into Sonic Adventure DX, a few episodes were released on GBA cartridges, and it received a long-running comic from Archie that ran alongside the main book, even after the show had ended. Additionally, characters that debuted in games from 2002-2004 were restricted from appearing in Archie’s main book for years afterwards (Which will become relevant later). The third season was commissioned solely off of the response to the first two, and primarily overseas response, hence why the original sub was never aired in Japan.

Sonic X was huge. And with that in mind, it’s plain to see that the portrayals of the characters in Sonic X were intended by SEGA. Yeah, all that horrible characterisation was intended as the vision for the franchise going forwards, and subsequent games were adjusted to match it.

And unfortunately, not only did this have a serious impact on the main cast of the games, but it had an even worse effect on Emerl.

Part 5: Emerl in Sonic X, or “Emerl vs. ‘Emel’”

Sonic X’s original mission statement was to adapt Sonic Adventure, Sonic Adventure 2, and Sonic Battle. Why they skipped Sonic Heroes, despite Shadow being a major player in Battle’s story, I don’t know.

For whatever reason, the show took a full season to actually get to the first game adaptation, SA1, and instead spent the first 26 episodes on bland episodic “adventures”, in some kind of strange reverse-Isekai series. However, once it got there, the adaptation work was fairly faithful to the source material, which the exception of Donut Steele’s being crammed in to the plot. However, he mostly followed Big around, and since Big was the least involved in the game’s plot, he didn’t disrupt too much.

Sidenote, after 26 episodes of filler, the actual SA1 adaptation only lasted six episodes.

SA2 was likewise only six episodes, but with the exception of Amy’s big scene, it likewise wasn’t too bad. Tails suffered this time around too, which is somewhat surprising since he was mech-dependent in the anime anyway.  

After some more filler, which introduced the Chaotix and then did nothing with them, Emerl finally made an appearance, albeit they got his name wrong.

‘Emel’ looks like Emerl, and somewhat works like Emerl, but might as well be completely  different. ‘Emel’ stays completely mute for the entire time he’s around, never advancing much beyond Emerl’s initial silent, pre-first Emerald persona. He does get better at fighting, but he’s limited to only absorbing a single skill at once (Except for when he isn’t).

Dispensing with Battle’s interesting, rich, and heart-twisting plot, Sonic X instead has ‘Emel’ linger in ensemble for three episodes, before condensing the entire game’s premise into a two episodes of really bland tournament arc, where Sonic himself doesn’t actually fight and we get two rounds of Donut Steele being a dick to his friend and his father.

‘Emel’ wins the tournament, and is given a Chaos Emerald, and just when you think it might kickstart him becoming an actual character, instead it just drives him insane and he immediately becomes a pathetically weak version of Ultimate Emerl. After kicking the crap out of the entire cast, he is defeated by Cream and Cheese, because even though he can take on Sonic, Knuckles, and Rouge at the same time and win, along with Tails, Amy, Donut Steele and everyone else, he… can’t handle two opponents at once.

This is stupid.

You’ll notice that I haven’t talked about Sonic’s relationship with ‘Emel’, and that’s because he doesn’t have one. The wonderfully-written parental bond that these two characters share in the games is completely excised, and instead the focus is put on Cream. Bare in mind, Cream is so inconsequential to the actual game that she doesn’t even get mentioned individually in Emerl’s dying speech like Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Shadow do. Instead she’s just grouped in with Amy.

This is also stupid.

And as a result of this, it means that what is arguable base form Sonic’s most impressive feat just doesn’t happen in the anime, instead Emerl dies because he is lightly kicked a bit by Cream. Yeah, unlike the Advance games, Sonic X’s Cream is not an unstoppable engine of destruction, she’s basically just a small child who can sometimes fly.

Instead of Emerl’s tragic speech and Sonic’s desperate attempts to keep his son alive, we get treated to a prolonged scene of Cream crying over the death of her “friend”, something that is probably meant to tug at heartstrings but doesn’t because Cream’s voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

And Shadow isn’t even there! He doesn’t come back until a third of the way through Season 3, and never meets ‘Emel.’

This is really stupid. And, for those keeping track, that means of Sonic X’s originally commissioned 52 episodes, and the full series run of 78 episodes, a stunning total of seventeen of them were actually adaptations of the games that the series was supposed to focus on, leaving us with 61 episodes of what might as well be filler.

And, unfortunately, that franchise-wide initiative had damning consequences for Emerl.

Part 6: Gemerl and Sonic Advance 3, or: “An incomplete resurrection.”

So, Gemerl. I know his name is apparently G-Merl now but fuck that I’m calling him Gemerl. If the comics can do it then so will I.

Gemerl is the worst thing Eggman has ever done to Sonic. Like, there is no contest. Some of his other schemes might be more destructive and generally evil, but in terms of personal pain inflicted, nothing has topped this.

Eggman salvaged Emerl’s corpse, and brought him back to life as a mindless murderbot under his control. So not only did he kill Sonic’s robo-son, but he also brought him back as a weapon.

Come the conclusion of the game, Gemerl predictably betrays Eggman, steals the Chaos Emeralds from Sonic, and goes on another rampage. I have… headcanons about this fight, but that’s something to worry about later. What’s important is that, once again, Sonic is victorious, and Gemerl’s defeated body plunges into the atmosphere.

Fortunately, Tails is able to bring Emerl back properly this time, presumably using the Chaos shard that was left over at the end of Battle’s finale. So, it’s all a happy ending, right? Sonic has his child back, Shadow has his connection to his history restored, and Emerl is alive and well, right?

Wrong.

See, the vile spectre of Sonic X rears its ugly head once more, and sabotages this conclusion. Gemerl doesn’t return to Sonic, in fact we never see him reunite with his father. Instead, Sonic X’s version has enough clout now to take precedence, so Gemerl is now Cream’s playmate.

Bear in mind that Emerl’s idea of a fun game is all-out combat against his friends, and Cream doesn’t like fighting (Even if she’s really good at it in Advance 2 and 3).

And then he never shows up again. Even when Cream is part of the game’s plot, like in Rush or Generations, he’s not there, and most egregiously, in Sonic Chronicles, where Cream is not only an active player in the plot, but so are Gizoids, the creators of said Gizoids are the main antagonists, and Emerl himself is mentioned… Gemerl is not there.

But he did make it into the comics, for better or worse. Mostly worse.

Part 7: Embargos, knock-offs, and misused tropes, or: “Ian Flynn dun goofed.”

For a long while, Emerl/Gemerl was barred from the Archie comics, due to the Sonic X embargo, and when it was lifted, he didn’t appear until the reboot. We did, however, get a suspiciously similar substitute in the form of Shard.

Shard was the original Metal Sonic, but when he was brought back and rebuilt for the Secret Freedom arc, he was given a colour scheme ostensibly derived from Metal Sonic 3.0, but one shared with Gemerl, and a personality that was a lot like a watered-down version of Emerl’s own.

On some level I can understand Ian’s decision to bring back Metal Sonic v2.5, rather than use the character that seems to have been an inspiration for this new incarnation in some way. He’d need a fully-formed Emerl, necessitating a skip over the whole story, since there wasn’t room for an adaptation during the Mecha Sally arc that the Secret Freedom story was framed within. Heck, for all we know, the similarities between them may simply be a pretty sizeable coincidence.

But then the reboot happened and Gemerl finally joined the comic cast. And to say it was underwhelming would be an understatement.

You’ll notice that I said “Gemerl” rather than “Emerl”, because his entire story was indeed skipped. The events of Sonic Battle and Sonic Advance 3 had both happened already. This wasn’t Ian’s decision, as far as we know, his intention was for the comic to start over from the beginning. However, due to the interference of Paul Kaminski, who wanted a softer reboot, Ian was forced to fill the characters’ active histories with a large chunk of the games’ stories. Battle and Advance 3 were among those that had already happened, so Emerl made cameos in both incarnations via flashback… which unfortunately led to a plot hole.

See, Advance 3 and Sonic Unleashed are rather difficult to keep in the same continuity, because both share a common plot element: The world breaking into seven pieces.

For a long while, it was generally assumed that the handheld games and console titles were only semi-canon to each other. This avoided the awkward question of “If the Gaias were already there, why didn’t they emerge when Eggman broke the planet in Advance 3?”

Ian shoved them blatantly into the same continuity, and gave no attempt to explain what was different about the Advance 3 world-break compared to the Gaia incident, which served as the backbone to the reboot’s three year long Shattered World Arc. Why didn't the Gaias wake up during Advance 3? Because that's now a question we have to ask of the comics' world.

When Gemerl finally showed up doing something other than yard work for Vanilla (Despite allegedly being Cream’s friend, Cream spends all her time with the rest of the cast, and Gemerl is basically Vanilla’s maid), it was to get effortlessly dispatched by a brainwashed Mega Man with a terrible name in the extremely lacklustre Worlds Unite event.

This one was more than a little bit of a slap in the face, considering that Emerl and Mega Man are very similar in concept- robots that can copy the abilities of other characters- but Emerl is demonstrably more powerful. Now, if Ian had established that Gemerl had been nerfed when he was rebuilt, either by Eggman or by Tails, that would be fine. But he didn’t. In fact, Gemerl is given the title bubble “Super Gizoid”, implying that he’s stronger than a regular Gizoid.

Worlds Unite is generally pretty bad for having its corrupted heroes easily curbstomp every other character around, to the point that the only thing that can stop them is each other, but in Gemerl’s case it really serves no purpose.

This is the only thing that he actually does in Worlds Unite. He shows up to get beaten up and make Mega Man look stronger. That’s it.

This is something that TV Tropes refers to as “The Worf Effect”, a trope wherein an established powerful character is defeated easily by a new character, in order to demonstrate the latter’s power. Now, there’s nothing wrong with using this trope, but please note that I said establishedpowerful character, which Gemerl wasn’t.

At the point that this comic released, Gemerl’s last appearance in any Sonic media was over ten years prior. None of the comic’s intended target audience would remember him, and they wouldn’t know why defeating him was impressive. And this was, in addition, a terrible way to introduce him to new fans. Though the worst part is easily that this was unnecessary. Mega Man had already defeated everyone else, and had established his power pretty well just on them, and he was about to get removed from play permanently in the next issue. There was really no reason to throw Gemerl under the bus for this.

He made one more appearance in the event, getting controlled by the Zeti along with every other robot, and after that he got bopped on the head and just flew away.

Later, he’d make another appearance in the Panic in the Sky arc, and while his portrayal was far from the worst thing about Panic in the Sky, it only adds to the issues caused by the previous showing.

Gemerl makes one appearance, and promptly gets pinned down by the Witchcarters and Team Hooligan. Bear in that one of those groups are the joke villains who nobody takes seriously, and the other are a gang that was defeated by Tails before he met Sonic.

Archie Gemerl was a character who only existed to lose to villains in a vain attempt to make them look better, and that’s legitimately all Ian ever did with him, which makes me wonder whether he disliked the character. And it didn’t even make the villains look good, when you think about it. For anybody that was actually the intended audience for this book, Gemerl had no significance. He was just a robot that got beat up all the time. But for anyone like me, who does remember the games he appeared in, it stands out, not as good writing, but as a blatant narrative device and misused trope.

In this situation, I would simply rather Gemerl never appeared in Archie. At all. If Ian wasn’t going to give him time to shine, or at the very least be an adequate member of the supporting cast, he shouldn’t have used him at all.

Part 8: A Fresh False Start, or: “Wait, how did this get worse?!”

And now we arrive at IDW.

The one nice thing I can say about Archie Gemerl is that at least his personality was mostly on point. He read like a generally accurate take on the character that Emerl was at the end of Battle, which is what he’s supposed to be.

The same cannot be said for IDW.

In the pages of IDW, Gemerl acts like the most generic robot. He speaks in emotionless, stilted sentences with little in the way of actual grammar, leaving him to read like a poor man’s Soundwave, or Soundwave in one of those comics where the writer can’t decide whether they want him to speak normally or adopt his speech pattern from the G1 cartoon, so they just sort of do both.

Emerl pretty much never talked like this, as far as I can recall. His speech development is much more reminiscent of a child learning words, and the only time when he did adopt a more robotic speech pattern, it was a clue that he was slipping back into his destructive programming. He only spoke like a generic robot when he was in mindless destroyer mode.

He gets thrown for a loop by a simple logic flaw, unable to reconcile “Protect Cream and Vanilla” with “Don’t kill the zombots”, and has to be talked out of killing everything around him, when the entire point of Gerald’s modifications to the Gizoid was to make him a bringer of hope rather than destruction, and give him a compassionate heart.

The part of Battle’s story where Cream imparts a pacifistic mindset doesn’t frame her as being right. In that part of the game, they are cornered and under attack by hostile but ultimately mindless drones, and when she convinces Emerl to stop fighting, he almost dies. It’s Cream that learns the lesson there, that sometimes fighting is okay.

This character is already compassionate, he shouldn’t need to be talked into not killing the zombots by a small child, nor should he need her to point out that they’re innocent people who have been made this way by Eggman, because he was made into a killing machine by Eggman twice, and the first time he did die because of it. The character that lay dying in Sonic’s arms, scared and bidding his last goodbyes to his loved ones shouldn’t be the one experiencing this struggle when Omega is also in this arc.

That’s it, really. He’s not Gemerl. He’s a second, less goofy Omega. And it boggles my mind that, despite getting Gemerl’s character, if not his combat abilities, down almost perfectly in Archie, Ian is now subjecting us to this travesty.  

Like with the Archie example above, therein lies the crux of why the steady decline of Emerl/Gemerl that began with Sonic X is pushing me away from IDW: I don’t want to read Ian’s take on this character, because, to me, No Gemerl is better than Badly-Written Gemerl,

This isn’t the first time I’ve said this, either.  Way back in 2016, when I complained about Ian’s portrayal of Gemerl in Panic in the Sky, I said that the way he handled characters that I liked tended to make them the least likeable parts of the stories he wrote. As well as stating my dislike for his handling of Gemerl, I also stated that I used to really like Fiona Fox, moreso in concept than in execution, but under Ian’s pen she was largely an insufferable antagonist, little more than a trophy to make his pet recolour look better, and almost every story she was in only added to the “List of reasons she needs to stop lying to herself and just start the redemption arc already”. Additionally, I said that I didn’t want to see him bring back Neo Metal Sonic or Mephiles in any context, and we got the former, and it was exactly as bad as I thought it would be.

So, that’s basically why I don’t want to read IDW. That’s why, even if the aspect that was a big sticking point for me back when the comic launched was to be undone soon, I still probably wouldn’t pick it up. Because I don’t want to see my favourite Sonic character continue to be written badly by a guy that should know better, and has done better in the past.

If he were simply screwing up Gemerl’s personality the first time he wrote him, I would file it away under the same category as “Emel”, but the fact that he’s done better before, in a book where he had greater restrictions on what he could do with the characters, really settles this as an interest-killer for me.

Well done, Mr. Flynn. I legitimately didn’t think you could make me actually miss SEGA’s tighter control, but you somehow managed it. I would be impressed if it weren’t so sad.

[ohscorbus]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Saturday 25th May, 2019

Cast four, round two! It was good to be able to go into the theatre today without all the overwhelming nerves and excitement and pressure to remember every little detail. This was just about me going in and enjoying it. The cast had already won me over and now I wanted to get a better feel of these interpretations. So this isn’t one of my usual recaps! It’s just a couple of summaries about some of the characters I haven’t spoken much about yet, and a few moments from the show that particularly stood out to me. Some of them old, some of them new. All of them extra interesting to me today!

HARRY AND GINNY

It’s amazing how new energy on stage will suddenly make you sit up and take notice of. Jamie Ballard is so incredibly talented and while I’ve never once forgotten that, he sure as hell reminded me this week.

I really want to talk about him and Susie in act one scene seventeen in particular. They have a silent conversation across the table as Draco and Hermione are busy talking and while I couldn’t make out what Ginny was mouthing, Harry’s worried ‘what?’, then desperate ‘don’t’, and then distressed ‘please’, was hard to miss. He’s so obviously pained by what happened with Albus and knows how his words have most likely caused his disappearance. No matter how he tries to throw out alternative scenarios, he knows. But the fact that his wife is about to confirm this nightmare and expose it to the others crushes him. 

Once you start to notice their subtle communications you begin to see them throughout the show. Little nods and smiles and cheeky looks that’s so Jamie B’s Harry. Yet the one that stands out the most wasn’t a conversation, but a moment of uncertainty for Harry. It was after the second Ministry meeting as the staircases are being pulled off the stage. Ginny is below him on the staircase and is faced away from him when Harry goes to reach out for her but stops. His hand hesitated there in the air before she begins to walk down the stairs and realising he’s missed the moment, he pulled his hand back. It spoke volumes about the strain this whole thing had put on their relationship. To have Harry unsure how to comfort Ginny, unsure if she’d even want him to, was heartbreaking. That disconnect in a relationship we see and assume is solid really makes you stop and think.  

JAMES SIRIUS POTTER

I’m getting so much from Ryan’s James that I actually found myself seeking him out on stage over watching Albus at times. We get so little from the character in the story so anything the actor playing him can bring to the table is greatly appreciated!

My main takeaway from Ryan’s James is his maturity. In fandom, James is always written as quite loud and carefree. Even in Cursed Child he’s described by Harry as someone who ‘everything comes easy to’. But with Ryan you get so much more than that from him. His James is a lot quieter than you’d be expecting, but his subtle actions are still loud and clear. He’s constantly watching Albus and giving him these long, thoughtful looks. Like he’s trying to figure him out while assessing the situation and wondering how best to handle it. But, not through lack of trying, he fails Albus each time. For example, after the wand dance and Albus declares he ‘didn’t chose to be his son’, all the other students are laughing at him and making comments. James immediately stops and looks around before focusing on Albus. He gave him the most concerned look. Yet he waited until Albus had already started to leave (along with most of the students) before he finally stepped forward and told him to leave. (I think the exact phrase was ‘go home, Albus’ or ‘go on, Albus’?) It was too little too late but still showed us his protective, older brother side. It’s also interesting that he focuses on Albus each time and not those around him. We’re led to believe James is popular so you’d expect him to have some influence and control of the masses. Yet he never attempts to stop them from teasing Albus. Instead he always focuses on trying to sort Albus out. Like he hasn’t quite realised yet that the problem isn’t Albus, but those who are bullying him. But that’s just James not knowing what to do more than him not caring. I like that Ryan has brought some uncertainty to him. That he isn’t this perfect boy who has everything. 

You also get a little insight into his relationships with the rest of his family too. There’s a sweet and very complex high five thing he does with Lily after she’s sorted. There’s no way that didn’t take hours to perfect and I love the idea of them sitting at home and making it up and practising it. Plus the fact he doesn’t hesitate to do it in front of the whole school tells us he isn’t embarrassed by his family or of being someone who publicly gets on well with them. Then there are the mirrored looks of concern at Rose and their syncronised steps forward towards Albus after he’s sorted. Rose may be the same age as Albus but Rayxia’s Rose comes across as quite mature so it doesn’t surprise me that this Rose and James have that connection. He also seems close to Ron too. Ron secretly slips him a bag of sweets on the platform and Ron is also quick to stop James from laughing at Albus when he expresses his worries about being sorted into Slytherin. All these little background moments build him up into being someone who loves and cares for his family immensely. 

We get all this depth from him but we don’t lose the cheekiest we’ve come to love about him either. He still sings as he says goodbye to his dad, he still playfully hits Albus on the platform, he still teases him about the Thestrals, and he even feigns absolute disbelief and outrage on the train when the trolley witch goes straight past his carriage so he misses out on the sweets. It all makes for a very real interpretation of a boy who’s full of love for his family. A boy who on the surface has everything figured out, but inside is just as unsure as any other fifteen year old.

ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER

I spoke about Dom’s Albus a lot in my previous recaps but to quickly revisit, I love how he’s physically small but very loud with his body. He speaks expressively with his hands and is constantly throwing his arms up and out to make points. But then he’ll also stiffen his shoulders and curl in on himself, gently swaying sidewards from one foot to another, as he nervously plays with his hands (a little like Scorpius, which beautifully reflects on how much time they’ve spent around each other over the years). He even goes as far as hunching over as he awkwardly sits, always placing one foot on top of the other when he’s not entirely comfortable with the situation or conversation. It’s fascinating to see how big and small he can make himself so quickly as it’s a great reflection of his mood and how fast that changes. I also need to mention his smile because this Albus does not hold back. Those big toothy grins are pure and childlike. I’m glad. Because while Albus is going through his own personal hell, he still finds happiness and he grabs onto it with both hands. He takes small victories and he’s proud of himself when he wants to be. Having that reflected without a shadow of a doubt on his face is wonderful.

DELPHI

I already wrote about her at length here, but to summarise: she’s something to really get excited about. 

HERMIONE GRANGER

I’m still struggling to connect with Michelle’s Hermione if I’m honest. I think the fact her interpretation seems to be heavily influenced by what I personally consider Hermione’s worst traits, isn’t really helping me. She’s very much a know-it-all and is quite dismissive as a result of that at times. I want more warmth from her which I know she has in her because I see it with Ginny. Those two have small background interactions in part one that I really love. She comes across as friendly and familiar, it’s quite different from the Minister for Magic side of her. But again, I think the fact that Hermione has never been one of my favourites means I’m always going to struggle with her in Cursed Child so I realise this is most likely down to me rather than Michelle’s choices. I definitely just need to see her more so I can figure her out and I’m looking forward to it!

SCORPIUS MALFOY

It’s funny how you can watch someone for an entire year to then suddenly it’s like you’re seeing them for the first time. But the change in energy really has brought something out in him. Maybe it’s the combination of still having his ‘dad’ while getting a new ‘best friend’? Whatever it is, I hope he keeps it up (his finally unrestrained anger in particular) because he kept pulling my focus these past few days and as an Albus fan, that usually takes a lot! I think the fact he’s already bonding with Dom will help them both too. The real life friendship between the Albus and Scorpius actors always shows on stage. Which you know, can be a good thing or a bad thing. But with these two? Definitely a good thing.

I also need to shout out to Gordon Millar who was our very first cover! It’s always entertaining to see who the fandom gravitate to and it appears he’s already one of the clear winners which is totally understandable. He really made me hate St. Oswald’s even more than I already do and I mean that in the best kind of way. He just played the role of the bully carer far too well. It made the fact he was such a sweetheart at stage door that much better. Here’s to hoping we get to see his Scorpius...!

[bollywoodconfessions]

sanjay dutt?

Why I like them: This is a bit tough, not because there are no reasons to like him lol, but because there are multiple reasons to like him. Actually, what I feel for this guy is immense love, the kind of love that I cannot explain, just something that I feel very strongly, but anyway let me put this into words.

Sanjay Dutt is someone who has a very endearing inner core. He basically seems like a child underneath a big 6 feet body, and this much I can decipher just by watching him perform or watching him offscreen. His eyes are the windows to his soul, and they reflect nothing but beauty, his smile is one of the most cute, genuine and childlike smile I have ever seen.

God bless this laughter!

Another trait that I admire about him is his honesty, he is not afraid of judgement, he says it like it is, and says it like a boss. Openly confessing to doing all the drugs in the book or confessing to sleeping with 308 women are not at all easy things to confess.

And might I add that most people I know are forgiving towards all these confessions, because at the end of the day he is Sanjay Dutt, and he will be loved, regardless of what he says, he has a hypnotising charm, once you love him you cannot stop.  

Sanjay Dutt is not politically correct, he never has been, and he never can be, that is why his interviews are intriguing and fun. We are all like Anushka’s character in Sanju, intrigued with the honesty and impressed with the personality.

Sanjay Dutt is someone who has amazing amount of mental strength. If anyone else was in his position he would probably be in deep post-traumatic stress. However this guy is made out of steel, in spite of it all he managed to have a good career and a good life. Kudos to the resilience. Kudos to the person.

Instead of crying about all the trauma, he bounced back, he forgave people, and continued to be the loving and jovial person he is. There is nothing that can ever stop his zest for life.

He is a brilliant actor! And I love the kind of cinema he stands for! I cannot stress this point enough! I don’t know if my words will be able to do justice to his talent! But hey let me give it a shot!

Sanjay Dutt is truly a natural actor, he feels his character, nothing about his acting is ever “put on” that is exactly why all his characters, whether good or bad, are so impactful to the audience, like Hrithik once rightfully said:

“There are a very few actors who seem like they are feeling their character, and Sanjay Dutt is one of them. He scared me while we were shooting for Agneepath. I was like do you actually really hate me?”

I think Sanjay Dutt is the kind of actor who puts his soul in the character he plays, that is exactly why people like me are able to form a great connect with all his characters, you are able to feel for them deeply, because it is portrayed with a lot of soul. Like the great Nasseerudin Shah once said:

“Sanjay’s eyes can reflect real pain, unlike any other young actor. This is because Sanjay has already gone through so many experiences in life, experiences which have contributed to him being a good actor already. A good actor is one who can add to his range as he goes through various personal experiences in life. This look of pain endows Sanjay with both vulnerability and raw power on the screen.’‘

Some of his fans also do a rather amazing job at describing the vulnerability that Sanjay brings to all his roles. Exhibit this:

“The more I watch Saajan the more I am struck by how deep an insight into his soul Sanju gives us in his (at times heartbreaking) portrait of a sensitive poet. How much suffering, despair and loneliness can be seen in his eyes when he is overcome by mental anguish! In my opinion, for the understanding of Sanjay Dutt as a human being, Saajan is as important as Naam.”

I don’t think any amount of quotes can do full justice to the talent this man has, but let me just put it this way, I honestly feel every emotion he goes through in almost every performance of his, he is able to communicate so much even without saying a word, he is one of those very rare actors who does not have to overdo their performance to be effective. I think he is damn underrated, and so are some of his movies, some of them are legit masterpieces. Although, a lot of his characters do have a cult following, especially the characters Raghu (Vaastav) and Munna Bhai.

However my favourite performance of his is quite underrated, and that would be of Inayat Khan from Mission Kashmir.

This movie is amazing and deserves a lot more credit then it gets. Sanjay Dutt’s acting in it is terrific, his performance in this movie always moves me to tears. Not once does Sanjay Dutt’s acting  gets “dramatic” but it is still so impactful. He doesn’t say much yet his eyes have so much to say. His random outbursts of sadness, anger and anguish is something that is to watch out for. And like his every performance he puts a lot of himself in the character. Inayat Khan is not perfect, but he has a good soul, a heart that is in the right place. Inayat Khan is most of the time full of strength and is the protector, however that does not mean he is not capable of crying like a baby when it hurts way too much. Honestly I see a lot of Sanjay Dutt in this character, it is a character that was meant to be played by him. Sanjay Dutt is a potent mixture of vulnerability and strength and so is Inayat Khan, and that is exactly why the character comes alive, the character feels very real and it moves you at every moment. The character is portrayed brilliantly, and even though Sanjay Dutt did win some awards for it, I do not think this movie and his acting in it got it’s credit. This movie is ahead of it’s time and is an underrated gem. It makes for a splendid watch. Too bad it came at a time when romances and comedies were the “in thing.”

He is extremely Humble and Passionate:

Sanjay Dutt was no.1 in Bollywood when he got arrested in a very controversial case, just when everything was finally looking up for him it all went completely downhill. After showing support, many producers and directors decided against casting Sanjay Dutt in their movies. From being no.1 and to having all the success that he deserved, his career went to a minus due to a huge controversy.

Not only this, but for 1.5 years he stayed locked up in terrible conditions. If this happened to any other actor they would have collapsed, nothing is more important to a Bollywood actor than success and their ego, this sudden rejection after massive success is not an easy pill to swallow, especially not for a narcissist. Thankfully Sanjay Dutt is not one. He came out, did whatever work he got and made his way up again.

And he did not work hard or work in a zillion movies afterwards to prove a point, but just because he believed in doing his work with love and dedication, nothing less and nothing more. He did his karma and didn’t care for the results, and that is the kind of passion for work  and humbleness that everyone should aspire to have.

as Mahesh Bhatt once said:“One of the things I loved about working with him was the relief of finding an actor who is not narcissistic. I remember thinking during Naam: This guy doesn’t give a damn about how he looks on screen, he leaves it to the cameraman and just goes and does what he’s supposed to. And this in an industry where men (and macho men, not just the pretty boys) go to huge lengths to control how they look on screen — lighting, best profile, best angle — spend hours, like women, in front of their mirrors before they give a shot. Not Sanju. It was a relief to find a male who was not in awe of his own physical form. I don’t think I’ve found an actor who fits that bill in all my life.”

Why I don’t:  He doesn’t know how to sell himself.

Favorite film/scene:

If I have to choose one scene, it would be the scene in Mission Kashmir in which Inayat khan gets furious with his wife. Inayat Khan is a person who has always been extremely supportive towards his wife and clearly loves her a lot. Hence the anger that he has towards his wife in that scene is more about the hurt he feels, as he feels betrayed by someone who is very close to him. I think after suffering so much in life, this angry outburst sums up the hurt and despair he has been going through for so many years. Even though he may be in the wrong here, the outburst seems so straight from the heart, and is so raw that you cannot help but feel bad for him. I think that is a mark of a great performance. Sanjay Dutt’s characters are never politically correct, but because his emotions are so raw and are so honest, you cannot help but just root for him, and see things from his perspective. I mean he even made one feel bad for his character in Khalnayak, even though he was completely in the wrong throughout, again I empathised the most with his character in that film when he has an angry outburst regarding his Mother. Sanjay Dutt’s angry outburst in most movies are about him portraying an explicable amount of sadness and frustration, and I look forward to such scenes of his. His anger displays his vulnerability, and that makes for a great watch.

Favourite line: “Mujhe jo iys desh se mohabbat hai, woh kisi IS officer ki mothaj nahin” (Mission Kashmir). I also love the song he has sung for his movie ZINDA. The song is called “Kabhi Muskurake” and that song kind of sums up his life.

Favourite outfit: He looks hot in everything he wears, I am quite a fan of his late 80s and 90s fashion though, the beautiful long hair, a nice white shirt, and a nice pair of jeans on his tall legs is always a winner!

OTP:Non-romantic definitely him and Govinda. They are a laugh riot, they have created some of the most epic comedies together!

OTP: Sanju has shared great chemistry with everyone, but I think I will only ship him with me! LOL

Unpopular opinion: Sanju is mainly known for his intense action dramas or comedies, however I feel he is extremely underrated as a romantic hero. I think Sanjay Dutt always shares amazing chemistry with his female costars. I think his height and big broad shoulders make him look very attractive, and to add to that he has this cute child like innocent face to go with it. He is like every woman’s dream man. I think he is very underused as a romantic hero. Great love stories could be made with the intensity he has. I love when he hugs his heroines, he always closes his eyes while doing so, it is very cute.

A wish for them: Do more great movies

An oh-god-please-don’t-ever-happen for them: Don’t get caught in any controversy again. Please stay safe and happy. I cannot see you suffer anymore.

5 words to best describe them: Honest, Passionate, Innocent, Sexy and Beautiful.

My nickname for them: Sanju

[halforcpaladin]

the mighty nein & the zodiac

A quick note: This is less ‘this character is this sign’ and more ‘here are some traits I think this character shares with this Zodiac archetype.’

Aries • Molly

I think of Aries as the most childlike sign, even into adulthood. Aries are authentic in the way children are--they wear their hearts on their sleeve and love what they love, and fuck you if you don’t like it. I think of Molly looking up into the fireworks in Hupperdook with awe. Here is the world, and I am a part of it, and isn’t that incredible? He’ll share his fire with you, but he’s not going to wait to see if you get burned.

Taurus • Caduceus

The sign of the bull experiences the world through their senses. Caduceus in his forest, ecstatic in the feeling of a gentle breeze, the distant buzz of a fly, the smell of natural decay. Caduceus can tell when a person has moved a rock away from its natural home because he’s spent his fair share of days appreciating the exquisite asymmetry of landslides. Taurus may appear slow, but don’t underestimate them: all mountains crumble eventually.

Gemini • Caleb

To me, Caleb represents a Gemini who has had his unquenchable curiousity twisted and manipulated until it has smothered the most beautiful parts of a Gemini spirit. I sometimes think young Caleb might have been very similar to young Jester: luminous, expressive, his talent filling up whatever room he danced into. I wonder if Caleb will find his lost twin self; if he will ever believe he is deserving of knowing such brightness again.

Cancer • Nott

The moon sign is a spirit guide and a maternal figure, and they are bestowed with an empathic nature in order to fufill these duties. It is worth noting that Cancer is known to guide their follower sign: Gemini. Nott is an emotional and tender person, but she was raised among a culture that found little value in what she has to offer. The moon wanes and waxes, transforming the sun’s light into an ethereal glow when everything has finally aligned.

Leo • Fjord

A Leo’s natural propensity for leadership can sometimes land them in this position before they are ready, but they are excellent at fitting into roles and archetypes they have seen before. A Leo can be what you need: a compassionate friend, an ambitious rival, a father figure. Fjord has a natural warmth that lends him a talent and ease with other people, but he has never had so many relying on him before. Unlike an Aries, who can keep themselves burning just fine, a Leo must be brave enough to admit he needs love, compassion, and care from friends, not followers, to keep his fire from going out.

Virgo • Nila

A Virgo has a strength you’d never expect. We find Nila at first quiet, slow, and this is no deception. The rest of the team finds solace in her steady resolve in a time of difficult upheaval. Remember, tectonic plates shift by each other only milimeters each year, but then: something catches, changes, and the resulting release of energy shakes the earth, toppling kingdoms, crushing evil-doers, resetting the balance.

Libra • Jester

Libra is known as a ‘people-pleaser’ sign. I think of a likable uncle who slips you your first drink of beer when you’re thirteen, or a friend you had in middle school who was also friends with everyone else, and sometimes you’d think, “Why do they like me?” A Libra is also a master at getting you to believe you know them intimately. Jester really is a little spark of light in the darkness, but she sees the darkness around her. Perhaps she knows it better than anyone else.

Scorpio • Beauregard

If Taurus is a tree in full bloom in the middle of Spring, Scorpio is that tree finally laid bare in Autumn. A Scorpio is a truth seeker who has grown intolerant of bullshit. Give me authenticity, and give it to me ugly, barren, real. I think this aggression is sometimes a mask a Scorpio doesn’t even know they’re wearing. Beau wants to know who everyone else is, but will do anything to keep her true self a secret. There is a question Beau desperately needs an answer for, though she will never ask: Am I worthy of love?

Sagittarius • Calianna

Sagittarius is the sign of freedom, which Calianna has finally found. It is also a sign that I associate with adventurers on a quest, someone who anticipates the sunrise for the potential of a new day, and appreciates the stars for their ancient guidance. Sagittarius is a fire sign, and while Calianna approaches new friends with an open heart, she keeps her flame burning just below the surface, keeping herself warm on a long journey alone.

Capricorn • Yasha

It is always surprising to find out a Capricorn’s sentimental nature. They are usually practical (I eat rats because they’re made of meat, duh), but they are not devoid of tender thoughts and irrational emotionality. A Capricorn sees themselves as the bearer of a great weight that they must shoulder alone and without complaint--perhaps out of a sense of duty or to honor those they’ve lost. The pressed flowers Yasha keeps with her are heavier than any sword she’s carried.

Aquarius • Shakäste

An Aquarian is often an enigmatic person drawn to a higher human cause, and Shakäste fits this figure perfectly. He appears and disappears quickly in the Mighty Nein’s story, often only seeing them at their best, their most benevolent, leaving behind an impression no more solid than his hummingbird. Shakäste, despite appearances, is only human, but he excels at leading you to believe otherwise.

Pisces • Keg

Like many of the characters in this campaign, Keg was not given room to develop a tender nature in childhood. Against all odds, she has made the incredibly difficult decision to reject everything she has known and find another way. Like the ocean, Pisces is vast and mutable. They have the potential to be both great and terrible, to find themselves in the darkest depths or reach the shining surface. Keg has made her way to somewhere in the middle. That’s good enough for now.