#all of it together the way it makes me feel......... ahhhg!!!!!!!!!! too much for me actually

[mrcowboydeanwinchester]

home video by lucy dacus is my album for jo and mary and ellen. being trapped within the confines of your parent's hunting lives, desperate to escape, so young and falling in love for the first time, barely knowing yourself but knowing you want to leave your home, all the while finding out you're sapphicnatural blowing up

[celest-94]

Journal entry:

“I feel as though we’re both falling a little too far in. From staying after school everyday together, to eating lunch and talking about anything and everything together it’s all becoming a blur. You get closer to me now, you talk to me any time you see me and smile so so sweetly. I lean against your door and just look at you in your office and ask how you are. The way you lean back to look at me and sigh saying my name. It kills me. Say my name more. You say it so much already but I want you to my name belong on your tongue only. The way you get weird and defensive when I talk about my boyfriend makes me melt. I think he’s noticing it too. I love him so much but I can’t stop worrying myself with the thought of you. I can’t even keep myself from walking down the hallways of the school without thinking about you kissing me and touching me in any way. You try to hand me things a lot, and you try to have me give you things: always touching my hands or arms in the process. You call me out in front of everyone wanting to show off what you have taught me. You tease me relentlessly. It’s almost annoying how much you pick at me and tease. Now we’re moving on to private lessons, you’re even offering me a cheaper price for me to stay after school for an hour with you alone. I don’t know what to do.”

I know…pretty intense right? AHHHG it makes me so angry now looking back at all of this. I was falling so so in love with this man. It’s insane to think it can happen so fast but I was almost immediately wrapped around this man’s finger. I was the teachers pet and did absolutely anything he wanted. Fix instruments, copy music, sort things, clean stuff it was like I was a housewife for the entire band. I felt so special to have this opportunity to help him. He was just so sweet and happy to have the help. I felt good about it! He had slowly started to become more touchy and lovey dovey with me. He often would ask me to bring me something to Him and hold onto my hand a little longer than normal. He would brush up against me if he walked by he’d grab my hands to show my a fingering on my instrument if I seemed confused. I loved it. It was attention that I wasn’t particularly getting from the person I was dating at the time.

He disliked when I talked about my boyfriend. It was a subject that if was mentioned we would not stay on long. There were nights where I would express how I was upset with him and he would sit and listen but never really offered any advice. But I remember vividly the day I told him that I thought I loved this boy. He told me “I give it 6 months” as in that we would break up in the next 6 months. At that time I was extremely hurt and confused. I really loved the boy I was with despite what has been going on with. We had been together for 6 months already but something shifted in me that night. I thought, maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t love him.

D picked at me a lot, he had several pet names for me that he would call me when I was being silly. It was endearing and I felt special because he didn’t have any for his other students. I never felt like I was in danger when I was around him. I felt safe and special and seen. It was allllll a lie