#all my anxiety is temporarily overwhelmed by holy shit

[robustcornhusk]

anyway while i was busy fretting, partner dealt with appliance installation, which was stressful and i had failed at it twice now

now they're out getting flour so we can make cookies

you must imagine me with weepy fried-egg eyes

[mytrashs-blog]

Drunk On You- T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Warnings: SMUTTTTTT. Please do not read this if you’re under 18. The Smutty part is between this signs: [...] so if you want to skip over the smut, you can, but it won’t make much sense. Also... There’s A LOT of swearing.

Summary: You’re a virgin and you’re drunk so you send a risky DM on instagram.

Word Count: Almost 6k... she’s thicc

A/N: I cannot tell you just how much I enjoyed writing this! It started as a 2 am inspiration punch and then it took me three weeks to finish it. It’s my first time writing smut, so I don’t know if that part’s good, but I like it and I really hope you do too. (Please if you do like it, reblog it so it can be read by more and more people).

Masterlist

(Gif isn’t mine and I couldn’t track the author, so credits go to the owner)

Fuck this shit, you’re 22 years old, you’re in college and as much as you enjoy leaving fratboys with blue balls in the middle of a party, you need to get this over with. You’re tired of waiting for the “right guy”, if you keep on doing that you’ll end up virgin for your whole fucking life. But where the fuck can you find a guy that’s not gonna judge you for being a sad, drunk virgin in the middle of a tuesday night? Being drunk and alone at your dorm was pathetic enough…

So you scroll through instagram for a while only to find out there’s no right suitor for the job, but in the heat of the moment you notice that Tom Holland, yes the scrawny white boy that looks 12 and plays Spider-man has just posted a shirtless picture and boy, he does not look 12 anymore. So you slide into his DM’s just for the shit and giggles:

“Hey, Tommy boy!

You probably get millions of DMs like this every second of everyday, but fuck, I just wanted to say that you are extremely hot and I am extremely virgin and I’m also drunk, so I thought I’d write you to ask for a massive favor.

Would you have sex with me just to take my virginity away? Ok, thanks.

Bye!

P.S. I think you’re great in your new film.”

And yes, you did press send to that, but of course you don’t even remember writing it in the first place the next morning while getting ready for your 9am class, so your daily routine goes on as normal.

But then, while you’re making your best effort not to fall asleep while your professor talks about some depressed artist that beat his wife and was super sexist, but was somehow excused because he made some decent poem, you hear the unmistakeable ping of your phone, which can only mean that you got a text, so you go to see it, because that is far less rude than falling asleep during class, but you were surely not ready for what was showing on your phone screen.

All air, and life to be honest, left your body for a second, you double checked, and then triple checked and yes… Tom Holland had wrote you on instagram’s direct messages.

“Holy fuck” you only realize you said that out loud when the three people closest you turn to look at you and shush you, but you’re still in shock and still have not opened the message, but maybe it’s not a great idea to open it in front of everybody, specially your professor, so you figure the bathroom will be the best place to do it.

You lock yourself in a stall and sit down, get your phone out, take a deep breath and open the instagram message. My God, you were not expecting what your screen showed:

“Haha, this is too cool to ignore! I happen to be in your area right now… Give me a call and I’ll make it happen ;)”

And yes, his phone number was there too. The phone number of THE Tom Holland! like… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! What are the odds of him actually reading your DM? And the odds of him replying? And the odds of TOM MOTHERFUCKING HOLLAND agreeing to be your first time?! Someone up there must be having a good laugh.

But it would be rude to chicken out now, right? One does not simply say no to fuck with a Marvel actor. You gotta do it. It's your holy duty. So you reply with a simple “Looking forward to it” and you get your shit together before returning to your class.

You think about texting him while you walk to grab some lunch, but what do you say to a celebrity that agreed to deflower you?… Wait. Holy shit! You’re actually gonna have sex with Tom Holland! He’s super ripped! And you’re gonna see and feel all his bits and pieces… honestly, your panties got a bit damp just thinking about that. This is gonna be fun.

You decide to shoot the text while waiting for your iced coffee. “Hey, it’s (Y/N) from instagram. Are you serious about the thing? If so, when are you available?”

And that’s when the game begins, cause he replied almost instantly and you decided he’s just another fratboy playing around, so you played along.

“I’m dead serious, babe. I can do it tonight.”

“Nice. That’s how I like it… what time are we talking about?”

“9 ish, maybe 10.”

“Gotta give me an hour… also, it would have to be at yours, cause I live in a dorm that I share with another girl.”

“You could ask her to join…”

“Haha. Nah, this is all for me to enjoy.”

“And you will. 9:30 sounds good for you, babe?

“Perfect.”

“I can pick you up. Send me your location and I’ll go there.”

“Nice. I’m liking it already.”

“You’ll like it even more.”

You go about your day with a stupid smile all day, nervous and excited for what’s gonna happen later. Paying attention to class? What is that? Concentrating on your due projects? You don’t know her. All you can do is think about the things that man might do to you later.

Wait… you gotta shave. Also, should you go buy some nice underwear? It overwhelms you how unprepared you are and you run, abandoning everything you had to do that day to go get ready to have sex with a super hot celebrity.

You shaved, exfoliated, bought nice underwear, picked out a sexy outfit, you even tried to work out a little to look a bit more toned for him. You allowed your most extra self to come and shine, and you definetely enjoyed the process.

“What are you getting ready for? It’s wednesday. I doubt there’s any interesting party. Oh God! Do you have a date?” your roomate asked as soon as she saw you posing a skirt for the mirror when she walked in.

“I think so… I don’t know. I’m gonna meet this guy I met on instagram.” She gave you a corncerned look, but you were definetely not gonna tell her the details, that’s extremely private, it’s rude to tell people about celebrities intimate life, even if it’s with you. He didn’t mention anything about keeping it secret, but it would do a lot of harm to freely go around saying that he likes having sex with fans. It would ruin his privacy completely. At least from your part, you can guarantee no one’s ever gonna find out.

True to your word, you sent him your location an hour before the time you arranged and he called you, yes. HE CALLED YOU at 9:30p.m. on the dot to tell you he was outside and it took you a second to process the call, so much that you couldn’t voice anything more than an “Okay”… that basically ruined your super confident text attitude, and this was over the phone, would you even be able to get inside his car? The nervousness really hit you like a truck the second you hung up the phone, and your roomate noticed, but she didn’t say anything.

After taking a few deep breaths and counting to ten trying to calm yourself down, you get your purse and walk down the hallway and the stairs of the dorms and by the time you get to the main door, your legs are shaking like crazy and your palms are a little sweaty, so you gotta calm down again and remind yourself that this man is just a regular human being and that nothing has to happen if you don’t want to. And just like with tequila shots, you stop thinking and just go for it.

As soon as you see the car, you walk confidently towards it, and as he rolls down the window you can see it really is him, but you don’t let his face tear your confidence down, so you slightly smile and get in the car, it’s an extremely fancy car and you’re sure you’ve never set foot in anything this luxurious, honestly there’s no doubt that the seat your ass is resting on right now could easily be worth your entire college tuition and student loans. Okay, maybe that is an exageration, but it sure looks expensive.

“Hey, nice to finally meet you in person… I’m Tom!” he smiles in a polite and friendly matter, and you can see there’s a hint of nervousness in his smile aswell and that eases you a little because it confirms that he’s just as normal as you are.

“I’m (Y/N), pleasure to meet you. Thank you for agreeing to do this. I know it’s super weird and all, and I was definetely not expecting this outcome when I sent that message last night, but I’m grateful regardless…” you’re rambling, but he doesn’t seem to mind, he looks amused even. When you finally stop talking he drives away and you fall into a slightly uncomfortable silence, until he turns the music on and you recognize the song so you start humming along, and he joins, but other than that, there’s not much talking on the way to the apartment he’s staying at temporarily right now.

The place looks expensive, but it’s also very simply decored, it does look a temporary thing, but it also looks like a place where a single chaotic youn man exploded, so there’s empty beer bottles here and there, clothes literally everywhere and dirty dishes in the sink… but it does smell like cologne, very manly aswell… being at his place sets a whole new level of anxiety, because this is just so intimate. You’re inside his little world, his safe space, and even if it’s just for a brief moment you’re just happy that he agreed to do this with you.

“Do you want anything to drink? I have wine, beer and a spare champagne bottle from the other night… or just water. Please make yourself comfortable, sorry about the mess, I really don’t like cleaning.”

“That’s alright… you should see my dorm during finals week, that’s a whole other level of messy, haha… and wine would be great, thanks.” You’re slowly calming down and trying no to overthink about what’s about to happen and forget about the reputation of the man you’re doing it with, because the fact that he’s famous doesn’t mean he’s less human and maybe glorifying him for his job is a little rude from you. So you sit down in the couch, right next to a thrown blue hoodie, hold on a second… this is the one from Spider-Man: Homecoming, the one with the emblem of the highschool, shit, this is a historical piece of clothing for the cinematic world and you’re sitting right next to it. Shit, there goes all the progress you had made in the last fifteen minutes.

When he comes back with two glasses of wine in one hand and the bottle in the other one, you help him put down the stuff safely because he looks so stressed carrying the things and it is a small funny moment, before he sits down right beside you and it becomes impossible to get your words to come out of your mouth. So he takes the lead.

“Listen, I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of predator, okay? I don’t know why I agreed to do this, but it was not to take advantage of you, so if at any point you feel uncomfortable and you don’t wanna do this anymore, you can just tell me and we’ll call this off, okay.” He puts his hand on you knee to reassure you and it does make you feel better, and you relax into your seat  and just nod a little before speaking.

“Thank you” And it comes out like you’re breathing out in relief, and that’s when he leans in to kiss you and you take a deep breath before corresponding and taking the last step to seal your lips together.

Your mind just goes blank and you forget what you were nervous about in the first place, kissing Tom is not that much different than kissing any other guy, except for the fact that his lips are softer than most guys’, but this one does have to take care of himself, it is literally part of his job and it should not be that surprising that a guy takes basic care for his appearance, but it is nice.

[…]

The kiss moves in a nice rythm and his hands start sliding from your knee to your waist and he pulls you closer to him and your hands find their courage and go to the back of his neck and so you’re also pulling him in, and all you want is to have him closer, as close as you can possibly have him, and when his hand moves down to your ass, you take that as the perfect moment to throw your leg over so you can straddle him and now both of Tom’s hands are on your ass and you grab onto his shoulders for leverage, and just because you need to breathe in properly, you let your lips disconnect and you see him beneath you.

His hand comes up to move your hair out of your face and you stare at each others eyes for a second and it doesn’t feel overwhelming anymore, so you smile at him for a brief moment, but being apart from his lips feels terrible right now so you lean back in and his hand is in your head and he’s pushing you closer to him, and your hands just slide down to his chest, you play with the chain he has on for a second and he smiles into the kiss, but then you move your attention to the buttons of his shirt and start undoing them.

You take your lips to his neck and he becomes super responsive, you find his sensitive spot quite quickly and he moves you closer to him so you feel his lenght rubbing against your core and it makes you go undo the buttons faster, before you know it he’s taking the shirt off and throwing it to the floor, when his hands are free, he takes advantage and lifts your blouse and you put your arms up to give him easy access. You’re glad you rush bought that set of nice underwear, because Tom’s eyes visibly fill with lust at the sight of the barely there lacy piece covering your breasts.

He touches your chest ever so lightly it gives you goosebumps, he traces a path to your breasts but he stops right before getting to them “Can I?” he whispers, looking straight into your eyes, and there’s something so sexy about him seeking your explicit consent, it makes your panties a little wetter, you nod lightly and he goes ahead, tracing the shape of your breasts with his fingers, like he wants to get familiar with them, he takes one of your nipples between his fingers and applies a little preasure on it, and then on the other one, he’s taking his sweet time before cupping them and pressing his lips in the space between them, and your hands respond to that by taking his hair and pulling lightly and he moans into your skin and it makes you shiver.

He keeps leaving wet kisses on your nipples and sucking on sensitive spots and you can swear it will leave marks, but who cares, you’re just over the moon with everything that’s happening and you just want more and more. He takes one hand to your ass again and he holds it tightly, using the other hand he slides to the edge of the couch and just like it’s nothing heavier than an empty box, he stands up, and you gasp because frankly you were not expecting it, he laughs a little and gives you a reassuring smile.

“I just thought we’ll be more comfortable in my room.”

“Okay, then.” You find it so odd that he’s so unbothered while carrying your full weight, like you’re not exactly the lightest woman in the world, but you won’t deny that being so close and personal to his biceps like this, it’s something you could get used to.

He takes you up the stairs, and along the corridor, once you reach the door, he turns the knob but decides to kick the door rather than opening it like a normal person, but you can’t complain because every moves looks hotter than the previous, and when he lays you down on his bed and stays hovering above you, you just can’t handle it and you kiss him again, your legs hug around his bum to bring him closer where you need him and he takes the hint, he pushes your skirt to your stomach and before he does anything else, his seeks your consent “Is this okay?” he asks, “Yes.” you say loud and clear and he rubs his fingers on your core, and it feels good, but your panties feel like a concrete wall, you just need to feel his fingers, his everything all over your body, so you arch your back and unzip the skirt and he pulls it down and throws it to a corner of the room.

He takes a second to look at you in just your underwear and you feel exposed, but he’s looking at you like you’re some sort of Goddess, he kicks his shoes off and goes to undo the button of his jeans, and it looks so slow and you need him now but you watch him and when he slides down the jeans and you can make out the shape of his member. You feel a little overwhelmed with the view in front of you, and you take a moment to take it all in. His face is crowned by (now) very messy curls, his eyes that used to be brown are practically pitch black by both the dim lighting and lust, there’s freckles all over his nose and cheeks, but they’re barely noticeable, his jawline is the most defined you’ve ever been near to, but even though there are a lot of strong features in his face, he looks almost childish and innocent… until you drop your eyes to his chest, that is.

Every single muscle in his chest has some sort of definition, he’s not as ripped as in the movies, but then again, he’s not super dehydrated and over exercised right now, and he still looks more muscular than any guy you know, his abs are defined, there’s a visible V marking the path from his hips to his member and it is stupidly making your mouth water. He has black Calvin Kleins still on, but that’s the last piece of clothing he has on, and the anticipation is killing you.

He takes you by the ankles an pulls you closer to the edge of the bed and he spreads your legs open and gives you a devilish smile before leaning back in to give you a quick yet intense kiss on the lips and he slides down to your neck and chest again, but he keeps making his way down your body towards your bellybutton and it gives you goosebumps everytime he gives you even a peck or a light touch, you’re shivering with every touch.

“Relax, love… if you want me to stop you can just say it, okay?” He says looking up at you and you nod, you breathe in to calm your nerves down, he waits for you, when you’re finally ready you nod at him again, he gives your waist a light squeeze, smiles at you and places a kiss to your stomach and keeps kissing you lower, until one of his hands goes to your thigh while the other teases the waistband of your panties, hooking one finger on it, he starts pulling it down painfully slowly, you lift your bum to make it easier for your panties to leave your body, once Tom strecthes them to throw them to some part of the room, you sit up to take off your bra and he looks intently at you while you do it, so you smile and lock your eyes to his just to make it more interesting, and you also take your sweet time unclasping the clips, and Tom starts to get impatient, you can see it in his smile, but you enjoy playing with him so even when you do unclasp both clips, you keep the piece on and he puts his hands on his hair in exasperation and you just laugh, enjoying this small moment of being the one in charge, but you give in and take the lacy bra off and throw it to him, he catches it and throws it to the side.

You’re completely naked in his bed and he’s taking the view in. “You’re very beautiful, you know?” he says and you feel the blush creep up to your cheeks, but you smile and thank him regardless, he smiles back and leans back down, he kisses one of your thighs and then the other one, before he does anything else he looks up at you, once again looking for any signs of hesitation “Are you sure you want this?” he asks from his position and when you nod, he dives in.

He presses a light kiss into your folds and you immediately feel electricity emmiting from your core. Needless to say it’s your first time recieving an oral, every sensation is new, you can’t even tell if he’s good at this or not, but for you, it feels like the best sensation in the world, his tongue dances over your clit and you just grasp the sheets for dear life and when he sucks on it you swear you could come right there, but you manage to hold it for a little longer and he keeps going, it doesn’t take long for him to introduce one finger inside, the moan you let out is just obscene and he seems to love it, because he moans too but the vibrations that it sent to your clit make you lose it and you come yelling his name like your life depends on it and he guides you through your first orgasm of the night with his mouth and finger still pumping in and out.

“You’re dripping wet, you know that?” He tells you once you’ve calmed down and have regained your ability to function like a human being, you smile at him, trying to speak, but that function has not come back yet. He kisses you in the mouth and you can taste yourself in his mouth, you start relaxing into the kiss, and he starts tracing gentle circles on the skin of your stomach and you turn your body so can be face to face and your leg happens to feel his dick, and it feels impossibly hard, so you try to relieve the pressure by stroking it with your hand, but when you get your hand down his waistband, Tom stops you “If you touch me now, I’ll be the biggest dissapointment of your life.”

“You forget that I’m a virgin… I have nothing to compare you to.”

“Still… I’ve got my pride.” he finishes as he gets up and rumbles in a drawer of his nightstand, he finds the condom and shows it to you. “Do you want to do this?”

You take a deep breath, there’s nothing you want more than do it right now, but it sure makes you nervous, still you give him verbal consent “Yes, I do.”

That’s all he needs, he stands up completely and takes his underwear off, it happens quite fast, but you do get to apreciate his dick in full exposure, not that you’d know, but it sure looks like it’s gonna be hard to fit that inside of you, and you panic a little and Tom notices and chuckles while he slides the condom on, “It’s gonna be alright, I’ll make sure of it.”

He crawls back to the bed and hovers above you, his hand go to your core again and he slowly introduces one finger into you and starts pumping in and out slowly, he stays looking in your eyes, watching your every reaction, you’re moaning slightly, when he notices that you’ve gotten used to the sensation, he adds another digit and the pressure feels uncomfortable, but he notices so he waits for you to get used to the feeling before he starts pumping it, you bite your lip as you enjoy his movements, moans coming out of your mouth to the rythm of his fingers, when he starts stretching you by doing scissor motions with his fingers, the feeling increases and it is a lot more intense so you hold onto his arm, he’s still looking at you, wanting to be sure that you’re okay and staying alert to see any signs of discomfort in you, but you like it so much.

He takes his fingers out and the emptiness is just overwhelming, but when you see that he’s trying to align himself to your entry, you relax and stress at the same time. This is real. It’s gonna happen. Actually it’s happening at this moment. He looks at you again and lifts his eyebrows in question, you nod lightly and you hold on to his forearm and his neck in preparation. He pushes slowly in, it hurts a little but it’s not that bad, Tom sees you wincing and stops, waiting for you to get used to the new feeling, when you do, he keeps pushing a little. The rythm goes like that until he’s fully in.

You can see he’s having a hard time trying not to hurt you, it’s clear that he just wants to go for it, but you’re grateful he’s containing himself while you get used to the feeling of being so full right now, when you’re ready, you nod at him and he pulls slightly out, waits for you, and pushes back in. The rythm is slow at first for you to get used to it. At first it feels like too much, but the more he thrusts into you, it starts being not enough.

His grunts and moans sound heavinly to your ears, and whenever you are brave enough to just open your eyes and see him, his face is just so beautiful, he has a frown in his face out of concentration and self control, you’re admiring him when he opens his eyes and they meet yours, it’s such an intimate moment, it makes you blush a little bit, you caress his cheek and hair, interlocking your fingers in his curly locks, he lets out a soft moan in pleasure.

The pace gets faster and stronger and you’re getting closer to your high with every thrust, he’s hitting a point inside of you that you didn’t even know existed and it’s a whole new level of pleasure, it’s even making you feel like the world is spinning, you grab onto his back and scratch as you try to keep it together, he moans loudly and stops and pulls out suddenly.

“Get on all fours for me, love.” he tells you and you comply, he pulls you closer to the edge of the bed so he can fuck you while standing up off the bed, you try to arch your back to give him better access, he slides in easier now, and the sensation changes completely, he’s hitting another point that feels even better in this angle, the pleasure doesn’t let you stay stable and your arms can’t keep you up, so you press your face to a pillow and you can’t stop moaning his name, your high creeping up from your stomach once again.

“T- Tom… I think I’m gonna…”

“Wait for me, darling, I’m right there with you.”

His thrusts become sloppy and arythmic, he goes faster, his grunts louder with each thrust, your names falls from his mouth a lot more now, and his is the only word you can say at this point. You come first with an incredibly loud moan of his name. The feeling of you reaching your orgasm around his dick is enough to send him over the edge too, your name being dropped with a loud grunt, he squeezes your breast and rests his head on your back when he comes down from his high, both of you panting. You stay like that for a moment, but then Tom pulls out and goes to the bathroom to dispose of the condom.

[…]

You lay in the bed completely naked, but you do feel more exposed now that the moment’s over, so you cover up with a pillow and think about what just happened, relishing on how good it was, you figure this was the best idea you’ve had in a while, even if the most ridiculous but it worked out pretty well.

Tom comes back soon after and hands you a water bottle (because he apparently just keeps water bottles in his bathroom), you thank him and he lays in the bed with you. “How was that?” he asks you in some worried matter, like his whole career depended on your answer, you look at him and smile at him like he’s crazy, you had two orgasms, isn’t that enough proof that you liked it? when the anxiety becomes aparent in his face, you give him the verbal confirmation. “Of course I did, wasn’t it obvious?” you say while trying to hide your face, he takes your arms to stop you from doing so.

“Y/N! Don’t hide! It was actually really good for me too, and I’m happy you had a good first time, it’s cool.”

You smile at him bigger now, getting more comfortable now, and he leans to leave a kiss on your forehead, and you lay there just chilling for a while. Checking the clock in Tom’s bedside table you realize it’s almost 2 in the morning, you haven’t talked about this, but you think it’s not a good idea to stay the night, maybe he has things to do tomorrow, and you do have a class at 9, so you start to get up to recolect your clothes.

“Where are you going?” Tom asks in a whiny tone, he was right about to fall asleep before you got up.

“I think it’s time for me to leave, it’s quite late and I’ve got class tomorrow.” you reply with a slightly sad tone, just for the drama.

“You don’t have to go. There’s no way I’m letting you take an uber and I’m too lazy to get up and drive you… so stay, I promise I’ll take you to your front door tomorrow morning, alright?” also, he gives you mad puppy eyes to convince you, but you still move around the room trying to find your underwear, just to not be naked anymore.

“Okay, just let me put some clothes back on, cause this is weird.”

“Can you throw me my underwear, please?”

“Yeah, just let me try and find them.” You throw them at him once you find them among the mess and they land straight in his face, you just gotta laugh at it and he just rolls his eyes at you and puts the thing on jokingly bitching about you being rude to him and you just laugh at him while you walk back to the bed.

At some point, Tom goes to retrieve your clothes and the wine from the living room while you just scroll through your phone absent mindedly, you half read the tweets and just ignore the instagram posts you see until he gets back and gives you your barely touched glass of wine and lays back down next to you.

You stay there for a while just talking and drinking, actually getting to know each other, you tell him about your major in college, how hard it gets sometimes, and you even tell him about why you had never had sex before. He tells you about his work, his family, the things he wants to do next… he does tell you a little tiny spoiler of the future of Marvel, which you had to swear you wouldn’t reveal to anyone ever and it would be a secret you take to your graveyard. It’s a nice pillow talk, you’re laying in the bed, facing each other, his hand is lazily resting on your waist, yours playing with the chain on his neck. This is likely even more intimate than the sex itself, and it’s nice.

When you do finally fall asleep, is in that position. Wine bottle completely empty in the floor, clothes laying around, only sound in the room being the light snores of Tom and heavy sleep breathing. You’re extremely comfortable and relaxed, long forgotten how nervous you were before this happened. You could get used to this.

Your slumber is ruined when the alarm goes off at half 7 in the morning, you feel tired, but you get your clothes back on anyway, Tom takes a little longer to fully wake up, but he keeps his promise and throws a pair of sweatpants and a white shirt, he also throws a hat on just to not deal with his morning/sex hair, for the same reason, you also just put your hair in a messy bun.

He actually parks the car and walks you back to your dorm, it’s quite early, but there is some people around the hallways anyways and it makes you a bit anxious thinking you might get him in trouble if he does get recognized, but he seems relaxed and unbothered about it anyway.

“I had a lot of fun. It was really nice to get to know you… call me up if you ever want to do this again, okay?” he tells you with his hands stuck in his pockets, it makes you smile how cute he looks.

“Thank you, Tom. I really enjoyed it… thanks for not being weird about this whole thing.”

“That’s alright. Okay, take care and don’t be a stranger, okay?”

“Okay.” He gives you a last kiss on the cheek before you get inside your dorm to get ready for class, and he goes back home, and that is it.

Months go by without you ever talking to or about Tom, you just assumed that was the end of everything you lived with him and it is a lovely and super hot thing to remember, but there's nothing more to it.

Bing

Your phone goes off in the middle of the night. You were studying, so you weren't talking to anyone. As you check the notification, you freeze just like you did the first time you saw his name on your screen.

"Hey! I'm in your town! What are you up to?"

-

Tagging some people to avoid the flop:

@caeruleum-in-caritate-lupus, @softstarkk, @peterparkerbabyy, @dottirose, @legit-fandom-trash, @carostar2020, @appreciating-chase-brody, @mvmakki @madmadmilk @hollandrecs @starksparker @sunshinehollandd

[halitophobia]

Blind Eye - Three

Parings ⟶ OC x Hank's Daughter! Reader (TEMPORARILY) , RK800! Connor x Hank's Daughter! Reader (EVENTUALLY)

A/N ⟶ You guys...I am so sorry that it has been...two weeks since the last chapter. These past days have been pretty tough on me and I’ve had a bad case of writer’s block. I changed the reader’s age in chapter one so everything fits nicely for timeline (sorry). By the way, something’s really wiggy with my Tumblr and spacing/copy&paste is a pain in the bum. Soooo...enough said, I deeply apologize and will really try to clean up my act. Much love. 

Disclaimer ⟶ I don't own any characters from DBH

Warnings ⟶ swearing, violence, mentions of death, stubborn reader, stubborn Hank, spoilers...?, slow burn, sLoW bUrN, SLOW BURN, alcohol abuse (Hankster), angst, toxic relationship, eventual....fluff, happiness, cute stuff, flustered Connor, flustered Reader, all the gushy-ness, and ?????smut?????

Word Count ⟶ 3060

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 Part 4  

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SEPT 23rd, 2029

AM 3:21:53

    You're sat on an old mustard couch, not knowing where to look. You can hear pestering beeps. High sounding with a low undertone. It's as if everything is moving in slow-motion before your eyes. You fiddle with your fingers, looking down as a scream fills your ears once again. You don't know if you can look. You don't know if you should look. You don't know if you want to look. A strained wail erupts from her throat; as well as your name. Your gaze rests upon her sweaty state. Hair sticking to her forehead and her skin glistening like a sparkling river.

"Y/N." she cries again, hastily beckoning you over.

    Involuntarily, you're brought to your feet, and over at her side in seconds. Her frail, elegant hand quivers toward you. Immediately, you hold it to your heart.

"Don't be scared." she smiles weakly.

    You nod, squeezing her hand. She whimpers once more letting her head fall back onto a tower of pillows.

"I need you to push once more, sweetheart."

    The woman in front of you lets another wail pour out from between her swollen lips. The howl only grows louder and your head starts to swirl. For you, this is very overwhelming. Your heart quickens as you watch the lady arch in pain. A larger, warm hand covers both hers and yours. Your eyes move toward the owner. He smiles, sharing the anxiety.

He's happy...very scared, but happy.

    One last set of agonizingly slow seconds stumble by, and finally, another soul is brought into the world.

"Oh darling, your hard work has paid off. You have a beautiful, healthy baby boy."

    A kind, aged lady wears an expression you have never seen before. She's in awe of the sight before her. A younger woman in blue holds scissors in her hand. She bends over the infant and makes a precise snip. You lower your gaze, choosing not watch. Instead of letting your eyes witness the new life, you let your ears. He sure is loud. Very, very loud.

    You look back to the couple before you. A smile dances across your lips as you admire the scene. Damp foreheads pressed together and their laughs are woven with exhaustion.

    Her face lights up with joy as her boy is placed in her arms. Loving tears drown her stressed ones as she takes in the baby's presence. The husband's finger is adorned below four tiny fingers. They laugh in glee as they watch him suck in his lips.

    You stand a foot away, quite awkwardly. They seem so happy and content. Full of love and power. A trio connected through blood and bones.

"I can't believe it. We did it." she whispers, gleaming up at him.

    He nods, letting a tear fall down onto her shoulder. The woman flinches slightly, reality tapping on her front door. Then she looks at you with shiny, doe-eyes.

"I love you, Y/N. We love you."

"I know, Mum." you reply with a small smile.

"D'you wanna meet your baby brother?" your father grins, holding his hand out to you.

    You hesitate for a moment, then take a step toward them. Placing your hand into his, he guides you to the child's head.

"Be very careful," he hums, "his head is very soft and sensitive."

    Your hand barely even floats over his tiny hairs, amazed by the energy from this child. It's as if he holds a magic spell around him. A spell of wanting to protect and love him until earth's end. You blink as you're taken under this effect. Peace and serenity fluttering around the four of you. You just can't stop running your finger under his palm. His fingers, all there, beautifully curled and chubby. His lips cheeky and pouted. With lashes, very wet, and eyes shining brighter than sapphires. His skin is velvet, his sleeping state, a symbol of calm. He is magical.

"Cole." you finally hear, "his name is Cole."

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JUN 18, 2032

PM 5:54:12

    "Hey, you little shits!-"

"Hank! What did we say about langua-"

    "I have a present!"

"Daddy!"

    A little boy no older than three comes pattering to the door. You're eighteen now, a fresh face from high school, getting ready for university. You smirk, watching your grey old man tackle Cole. Cole's grown nicely. Strong, brave, spry. He's a pain to play hide an' seek with... You stand to stretch your legs, leaving your beloved 'corner spot' on the couch.

"Hey, dad." you smile, giving him a shoulder hug.

    He scrubs your head, shaking it back and forth like a dog.

"How's my little girl?"

"Not little."

"Hey! I have a surprise! Hon, you can stop washing the dishes. Get out here!" he waves his hands around, bouncing like a child.

"I wasn't washing the dishes. I'm not always doing stereotypical wife things." she smiles with a knowing look while wiping her hands with a small rag.

"Were you cooking dinner?" he teases, wiggling his brows.

    You watch her send him a subtle finger while you suppress a snort. You all follow the man outside, three different emotions playing on your faces. Cole, on-the-brink-of-peeing-his-pants happy, you, thrououghly amused and anticipating the argument to come, and your mother, huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf.

    There stands before you a ginormous Saint Bernard. With big saggy ears, excessively large paws, an even larger tongue, and the most happiest, puppy-eyes.

"Hank, I swear to god." your mother starts.

"Hey! Y'know how you always talk about saving the environment? I got him from a shelter!" he beams deffensively.

"That's...that's not-"

"You got a dog!" Cole chirps.

    He runs up to the massive kanine, dropping to his knees and wrapping his arms around its chest. The dog pants excitedly, letting its tail swing all around. It sits patiently; almost respectively. You can't help but grin. Of course Pop would buy a surprise dog. Cole had wanted one for ages. He insisted on getting a dog so bad, he proceeded to act like one for three days straight to prove 'how great it is to have a dog'. The act stopped once your dad told him to poop outside.

"Can we keep him?" Cole pleas, rubbing his face into the dog’s breast.

    You watch your father laugh, loud and loving. "One step ahead of you, kid." he winks.

    Your mom shakes her head in dismay, turning back into the house. The both of you watch her sulk away, trying not to chortle. Looking back at Cole, oblivious of the situation, he's just having a blast. He's on his back while the huge mongrel drops its head onto his stomach.

"So what's its name?" you ask.

    A content silence falls over the both of you. Waiting for his reply, you watch your brother guffaw at this hound. Glancing over at your father, you recognize that look. The 'no worries, untroubled, satisfied' look to be exact.  

"Sumo."

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FEB 11, 2034

AM 11:46:20

"This place looks bad."

"Come on, it tastes way better than it looks."

    You clutch the boy's hand and bring it against the outside of your thigh. You stare at the menu, reading every meal like you haven't already memorized it. Two older men are just starting to order, giving Cole time to select his poison. Kidding, kidding...

"Whadd'ya want, bud?" you question, still not having taken your eyes off the boards.

    You feel that all-too-familiar tapping against your thigh and the tugging at the hem of your shirt. You lean over, eyes still reading, and lazily listen to his words.

"Do they actually give you chicken feed?" he whispers secretively.

    You explode with one obnoxious laugh and step forward, for the two fellows had walked away with their food. You approach the distastefully tall counter, waiting for someone to help you.

"Hullo, how can I help you?" a thin guy speaks. Seeming to be on his first job...

"Hello, can I please have two burgers, a large coke, and a cup of water?"

    Once again, the tugging of persistence and plead drums on your side. You hear his quiet whining, but chose to admire some trees just beginning to grow back their leaves. The employee disappears within the truck giving Cole his chance to pout.

"I didn't want a burger...and why can't I have fizzy drinks?..." he mewls, pouting up at you.

"You know Mum, she doesn't want you full of sugar."

    He puffs out another complain, aimlessly scuffing lines in gravel with his sneakers.

"Mum's changed..." he mumbles, keeping his head low and avoiding.

    You swallow lightly, hoping the food will come before you have to reply. Luckily, the universe is on your side and it steams, posing deliciously on the ledge. You murmer a polite 'thank you', moving to a quaint picnic table close by. Cole reluctantly sits across you, still upset at having to eat a burger. You also clearly notice him ‘subtly’ eyeing your sweet beverage.

"Look, just take a bite, and then let me know how you feel." you encourage, hungrily pawing the serving in front of you.

    Begrudgingly, the young boy lifts the dressed patty, studying it like an inspector. He grumbles one last time, and nibbles on the edge. Quite honestly, it looks like he could be miming. You internally roll your eyes and watch him closely. You grin as he fights the smile.

"Holy sh-"

"Woah, woah, woah. Holy cow, thank you very much." you turn back to your lunch, "And I told you. These burgers are so bad, they're good."

    Of course, he's not quite sure what you mean, but doesn't hesitate to mow down. His mood has flipped and he's the brother you truly love. He munches happily, sauce decorating everything but his mouth, hands smeared with god know's what. He sips the water greedily, completely forgetting it's not jittering with carbon dioxide and sugar.

    Minutes later, he's burying his face into napkins, resulting with an irritated hue of pink amoung his cheeks. You're only halfway through, wiping the corner of your lips for the fifth time. You notice Cole has entirely slurped his water to the very last drop. With a small move, you nudge your drink in front of him. His eyes go wide and he stares at you.

"I bought a large for a reason." you smirk, filling your mouth with lettuce coated with a variety of sauce and grease.

    He buzzes merrily, sucking up the most content his lungs can bare. His teeth come to show, some crooked, some absent, but still shining with joy.

"How'd you find this place?" he chirps.

    Your thoughts are swarmed with memories, "Dad." you reply, head somewhere far away.

    Cole jumps with excitement and interest, urging you to continue.

"He used to bring me here all the time..before I left for university. Every Friday, no matter what kind of day; good or bad, we would eat here," you press your finger down onto the repolished wooden picnic table, "We would eat and talk until there seemed to be nothing wrong." you pause, losing focus and trailing off, "That everything was okay."

    The energy clinging to your clothes, lifting the bubbles in your drink, fluttering past the wrappers of your food, had utterly changed. One might say it were sad. One might say peaceful. Whatever it be, you feel the weight on your shoulders increase. Just a realization that you're here in this moment. Experiencing these things. Living this life.

"Can we go home?"

    You lift your eyes to his. Beautifully kind and innocent. He's so smart. He's a whiny bitch, but so smart. He's obersvant. He know's when something is wrong. He may not understand every little situation, but he sure finds a way to help. He is small. Frail looking. But strong in his mind. A strong motive.

A strong soul.

    The corners of your mouth turn up politely and you nod.

"Yeah. We can go home."

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OCT 11, 2035

PM 10:22:38

Was it the call the made you heart drop? Or was it the sound of the name? The silent drive there? The terrifyingly calm ride up the elevator? When you walked in, and smelt urine and chemicals? Hearing the room number, that in, yes, this is real?                                             

Or was it simply the thoughts running through your dizzy head?

    How can one describe the feeling of it. The amount of anxiety and pain. The amount of fear. You hear horrible stories about this all the time. You never thought it would happen to you.

Will he live?

    You had arrived late, your father with his head in his hands. You wonder if the same animal gnaws at his bones too. The ache you are trying to settle. Without any words, you sit beside him. Gently, your hand comes to his back.

"He's in surgery."

    Thin, needle-like spiders creep over the nape of your neck. His voice sounds excruciating. Your throat siezes and you force a swallow. He still hasn't looked at you, but really, you don't mind. You keep your hand situated on his back, applying light pressure and slow circles. To be honest, you don't think you're doing it for him. The contact allows warmth and life, things you feel are slipping away from you.

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PM 11:49:04

    This waiting. This waiting stings almost as much as the nightmares creeping under your eyelids. Your dad is leant fully against the wall now. You have that in common, but his eyes, unlike yours, are wide open. His nightmares are the only thing he can see. He's off into his own torment. Falling without a landing.

Falling without a sense of falling.

    Your arms are crossed against your chest and you try to keep your mind at rest. It's not working, but the battle distracts you from those agonizing visions.

    Both of you have come to the point where footsteps pattering by don't rouse you anymore. There are a handful of others sitting by you, drowning in their own fears.

    This waiting. Like leaves trickling off a dry tree's branches,                           you are losing hope.

----------3rd POV----------

OCT 26, 2035

PM 12:31:49

  There she stood. Before her anchor keeping her at bay. He had long gone, more than two weeks. But the waves had not hit her until now. For two weeks she had been sailing freely, slowly, surely, senselessly. The water had been too cold to think. She could only sail, further and further away from the shore.  

  This anchor, was like no other. Every once in a while, he would lift off the sand, and let her drift a little farther than usual. There, she could explore, learn, discover. And at the end of the day, he would gradually sink back down, bring her back home, and learn what she had learnt.

  She didn't know this would be his final rise. It was night, dark out. She couldn't see. Couldn't see that she was unfastened from him. He was rising. Sleep was heavy on her eyes when she woke, she knew something was happening. He was rising. She called his name, but only the breeze replied. Rising, rising, rising... He rose past the surface. Broke the water, and kept rising. The metal chain connecting their hearts, splitting in two.

He rose, and never sunk down.                                                                          

  The two weeks, being held not by him, but by the ocean's currents were utterly devastating to say the least. Her whole body numb from the sea's solemn rhythm. She had drifted too far from all sense of returning. She cannot hear their converse, nor see their lighthouse. The horizon had eaten up the mountains surrounding the town. Sea to sky, the only recognition in her brain that she, is lost.

---------- 2nd POV----------

NOV 6, 2038

AM 3:27:52

    Your head pounds once you get through the door to your motel room your knuckles too. That was a long day...

    While nearly falling asleep standing up, you peel off your clothes, letting them embellish the wooden floor in lumps of black, very dark grey, and darker black. Lights aren't negotiable at this time. They are off and will stay that way until late in the afternoon tomorrow.

    Your bed looks so sexy right now. This motel may be a shit hole aged...but the owners made the most important thing beautiful and high quality. The bed. It's puffed and fluffed to the ulimate max. That amazingly cold, white, crinkly duvet holding its breath, just itching for you to dive in. If you insist, my love...

    Ever so carefully, you fold back the corner of the comforter and sheet, both lustfully freezing and crisp. Mmmmmmm... That ‘hum’ was undoubtedly outside of your head.

    After sloppily climbing under the covers every nerve in your body tingles. Mentally and physically, you try to remove yourself from all worries and troubles from today. You’re entirely exhausted. Every once in a while you hear people on the other sides of your room, making you curl up even more to muffle their nonsense. It’s very easy for you to get distracted when there are multiple conversations going on around you. You just can’t help but tune in.

    In frustration, you flip all of the blankets right over your head, slipping into a world of your own. Every movement you make is amplified in sound so you slowly slide your feet back and forth. As if on cue, it starts to rain. Thank the lords... You smile in your little cave, feeling sleep pulling you under its arm. You’re sinking and sinking under the weight of it all when...you hear squeaking, and vigorous rattling?...

“Oh fuck yeah, Daddy! Uh huh, give it to me, baby!”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

----

[and-thisgirl]

Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up. My routine is all new. I’m not sleeping well. I’m sitting at the same desk for HOURS more than I’m used to. I don’t like how “professional” clothes affect my ability to sit comfortably. I don’t like how my body feels in general. The amount of work feels overwhelming because it is everything at once instead of a couple assignments at a time. I am forcing myself to eat because I don’t have an appetite, but I know if I don’t eat, I will cognitively fuck up, feel like a failure, and then feel fucked emotionally. I am fucking in my parent’s house. I’m feeling left out of all the stuff going on at campus. I feel like a fraud because of my level of yoga training, and i’m just waiting for someone to call me out on not having my 200 hours. I’m worried about trying new yoga things with the hospital’s expectations. I’m a fraud because they don’t know I lack some experience. Am I speaking up enough for myself? Was I wrong to ask my supervisor for help today? Nothing tastes good. I don’t like eating around other people. I don’t like talking about nutrition educating because i don’t know what my own values and beliefs are. I don’t know the balance between feeling my feelings and honoring my anxiety without feeling like i’m focusing too much on complaints/things that aren’t going well, so I just try not to think about it all, but really i want to scream and sprint and stomp and runaway. Just temporarily. What can I and can I not handle in the adult world? I don’t want to admit to my supervisor that I’m feeling crazy because I want to come off as professional and capable. It’s only fucking the first week. Holy shit.

[oliverwithoutthetwist]

Physical and Mental - agony - (warning: suicidal thoughts)

Hello again, my for all eternity deserted friend

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This post will be long as hell and (WARNING) it includes various depression filled and suicidal thoughts

Topics: Current appearance . Others’ perception . Romance. Agony . Physical pain . Suicidal Ideation . Loneliness . Family

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1- Mirror Selfie above

Torso- This was the first time I found a mirror that allowed me to capture more than just the face (in a way that everything is sort of visible and I’m not just a faraway being). The legs are not present but I’ll find a way to reveal them along side the rest of my prison-like body somehow. I want to have everything clear on record.

Face- My features here reveal the facial expression I tend to make when anxious and paranoid. Note: Currently, I’m always anxious and paranoid when I leave my flat, afraid of being “discovered” as a “fraud”. Continuing, after analyzing the image, I now understand why strangers see me as a lost child. Imagine the person in the pic above being 5ft (my embarrassing height) and standing uncomfortably on the underground station platform. Yes...

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2- Agonizing reality

12 year old look- Yes, I do look like a 12(hope not less)-14 (at max) boy when walking alone down the street. And, let me tell you, this thing of looking like a child was sort of fun at first but, now, it has proven to be a struggle. 

The stares- I can’t drink or smoke in public comfortably like i used to. People glare now, whisper between themselves, laugh and sometimes comment (rather loudly) when seeing me engage in adult behaviors, behaviors that merely consist in me hanging out with my young adult friends. “Adult” like me.

Romance- The universe, currently, does not allow me to be with anyone romantically. A bloke my age, or even 5 years younger, would automatically pass as a pedophile if he did has much as hold my hand with other people around. No 20 something year old wants to be seen as a pervert, someone who wishes to #!% little children. This is indeed understandable, I wouldn’t want to be perceived as that as well. 

Pedophiles- 50plus year old repulsive men are the only ones who seem to want to (or actually do so) approach me with the intent of having “sexual relations”. With me, the lost and innocent looking young boy. I never knew this to be so common. It’s terrifying.

Nighttime stroll- I used to sometimes enjoy walking back towards my flat instead of taking the tube, especially when the moon is high. I don’t do that anymore though. It has become dangerous. The reasons: 1- Looking as young as I do, and being in the street alone after the sun sets,  I am now the perfect and rather easy to capture prey for the so called “pedo” to attack. 2- I’ve been called a “faggot” two times now (note: my gay friends have never been insulted like that). “I guess” no “straight” young teen dresses like I do so I am, automatically to the ignorant human, a miniature “roostersucker” and this can actually lead to a group of neanderthals beating the shit out of me. When having that appearance, a person is indeed an easy target. Note: I actually live in, what’s considered to be, a safe country. These things still happen though and not that rarely. 3 (worse scenario)- Ok. Imagine this: there I go, down the street, no sunlight, looking like a young boy when suddenly a breeze opens my loose fitting jacket to reveal a previously hidden female body. Just a quick look and I’m suddenly discovered by a transphobe as a “fake” male, a “freak”, a trans person. This is horrifying. I’ve read/know of testimonies by trans blokes (mostly pre-t) who were beat up rather violently or/and raped with the excuse of it being an attempt to help them, to cure their “disease”.

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I’m in hell

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3- Suicidal Ideation has returned

Lately, I keep thinking about the various boxes of prescription pills that are hidden in my wardrobe. 

Swallowing, about 5 by 5, of my rather strong anti-depressants until there’s nothing left. And then, adding to the mix, my mood stabilizers. 

This is sure to provoke an effect on the body.

Short story- Before coming out, and after I started meds,  I went on a google quest to know how many boxes of pills (the specific ones I take) would kill me. I still have, in my macbook, a document that holds that information. 

The ultimate swallowing of all my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers has yet to happen though. I like to plan things, to make sure I’ll be successful while doing them, so I did my research and found cases of people who tried suicide by prescription drugs and ended up not being able to perform the simplest of tasks and requiring the assistance of others to go through life, their body and movement ability destroyed. When reading this, I became terrified of surviving the attempt and not even being physically able to repeat it. The body that has brought me so much misery over the years would become not only the prison that has always been but also a bloody straight jacket. And this would be my life, until fate decided its end. 

Short fact- Before coming out (early October), after years of research, I had finally found a flawless way of suicide (an “exotic” and not well known way). The Holy Grail. I will not reveal what it is. I don’t wish for anyone to find it and swallow "the thing” because of me and the information I have provided here. That being said, this “thing” was being sold on a website (for other purposes, so completely legal) but it was temporarily unavailable. You had the option of sending them your email in order to receive a notice when “the thing” was back in stock. I did that and I did receive a message. It was at the end of November that they announced its availability. I deleted this announcement. Curiously enough, I had just come out and, for the first time, I was excited to be alive and to see what the future would bring. 

The excitement has now vanished. Reality has hit. I used to be fully accepted when I was hidden inside the character I had created as means of survival, a fake individual who caused me excruciating pain. Years of self harm accompanied me through out. Quick note: I will, later on, share my experience on the subject. Continuing, hiding misery did in fact provide me with being accepted by others. I’m not saying my friends (for example) are transphobic. What I’m saying is that real life, in its total, is a lot harder now. But I will not go back to how it was before. I can’t do it. No way. Even, going out of the flat without a binder makes me feel so anxious that my breathing stops working properly. Yes, going back is not an option at this point.

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4- Physical pain

Binder- I’ve recently shared here the physical pain I’ve been experiencing due to overwearing my binder. The chest area does not hurt but my back does, a lot. The pain is so bad that I’m only able to sleep due to extreme exhaustion. I might be tired but my back will keep me awake until, hours later, I simply pass out. I’ve been experiencing this for over a week now. Sometimes it goes away and I think it’s over but it comes back and is horrible.

Heavy head and lost of balance- I have a lot of important and unavoidable things to take care of at the moment. I’m bloody anxious as hell. I have ADHD, which makes this all outstandingly overwhelming and confusing. I’m trying to keep myself focused and I don’t take any meds for it. After my diagnose, I chose not to (I was taking 4 pills a day at the time and didn’t want to add more to my daily breakfast routine). . . . All this to say that, today, my head suddenly turned heavy. It’s difficult to describe actually. Let me try. Imagine your head being somehow pulled by a strong rubber band. That’s it, that’s how I can describe it. I apologize, I can’t find better words for it. But yes, the “heavy sensation” made me believe my head was tilted to the left without my control when, in fact, it was straight. This belief made me experience difficulty with walking. All day, I had to concentrate really hard in order to not appear drunk or high. I’ve heard of this before, this happening due to anxiety, but I had never experienced it first hand. 

Panic attack- Adding to all this, I had a day filled with sudden issues! 1-I opened a new bank account with my new ID but, due to an error, the guy found out my name used to be *insert birth name here* and stopped referring to me as “son” and started treating me as “miss”, even though my ID says MALE. 2-Again, stares and laughs at the little boy who thinks he’s all grown up. 3-Pain and lost of balance 4-Panic attack (a strong as shit one). 5-My friends are suddenly not open to let me share my troubles (these are the people who have always criticized me for not talking to them about my personal issues). Ex: friend: “Are you ok?”, me “uh... not really. I just had a panic attack and basically spent the last hour attempting to breathe, screaming and sobbing”, friend: “...”, friend 2: “This is the best chicken ever. Oh! I have a new crush.” 6- I left my ID inside a taxi. The taxi driver was horrible to me the whole trip. When I went to pay, I gave him money and told him he didn’t have to give me the change. Due to the head heaviness thingy, I was desperate to go to my room and lie down. The thing is: I was so confused with my surroundings, that I let my wallet fall when I got up to leave. I was quick to notice I had left it there though. I shouted in despair towards the guy, telling him “wait!”. He actually noticed me but still drove off. I tried to run and place myself in front of the car to force him to stop but failed to do so. The driver left with my wallet. I thought I had been saved when my landlord and neighbor called me. I looked to see him looking through his window and, after noticing my attempt to reach the taxi, he memorized the license plate. I was saved! Not. I called all my city’s taxi companies and the guy’s car didn’t belong to any of them. They said he must be an independent taxi driver. He’s registered though, his car had everything to be official. There’s a company that controls all of it but they did not pick up my phone call. I had to send an email. So, my ID is basically gone (the ID I spent extra money so I could have it as quickly as possible, the ID I went to pick up yesterday, the ID that made me almost cry from joy and relief). If they do reply and contact the driver, he will probably deny having the wallet. It’s not because of money, I didn’t have any, only enough for the taxi drive. He didn’t have anything to steal. The bank card inside was old and had already been canceled. I only need my ID! My precious baby! The driver treated me like shit, he’s not going to be kind enough to report the missing item. He probably just threw it away. Where I live, that’s actually a crime. You have 7 days to report a lost ID. He can always say another passenger took it. . . Right! My baby is gone and I can’t do things grown ups do anymore. 7- Oh yes, my macbook charger suddenly broke and it’s expensive as hell. FMbloodyL

Anyway...

Status: I’m uncomfortable as hell! I’m a mess, mentally and physically. This day was... so many things... It’s surreal! 

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5- Loneliness

I started this blog as a way to make a record of my transition. I was hoping (and still sort of am) for, one day, to look at it again and see all the steps it took in order to achieve my life changing transformation and personal accomplishments. 

Not only that, it was also something for my friends to check from time to time so they could understand my situation a bit better and accompany me when I leave this city (not long now). They were actually the ones who asked excitedly if they could follow me. Yet, they did not. I don’t think they ever even visited the link I gave them. 

Another thing I thought would be nice was chatting with other fellow transgenders and share deep thoughts or just have a nice chat. This didn’t happen though. I sent some messages to tumblr bloggers I found to be interesting. They answered me, very nicely. But they ended up ignoring the message I sent afterwards. I swear to the bloody stars that I wasn’t offensive in any way. 

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6- Parents

My parents (and brother) still don’t know

They’re blind as hell 

They care

They just don’t see 

They’ve always pushed aside the emotional aspects of life

They’re good people

But they simply prefer to ignore deeper issues 

It’s not their fault

It’s how they were raised

And, consequently, it’s how I was raised too

It’s how I learned to also ignore those issues and live in bloody agony all this time

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Conclusion:

I’m alone