#all it takes is a great deal of emotional turmoil and constant torment to write a poem

[inertia-writes]

out of it

i've been running into you at places,

and i see you for what you really are

you're just one of those people

who's way better from afar.

but there was a time before this,

those days I wish I could freeze.

i still remember everything --

the walks, outings & monsoon breeze.

23 revolutions around the sun,

yet I wouldn't call myself smart.

to think I was falling in love,

when I was gradually falling apart.

i wrote all those things for you,

thought thrice before i sent them.

you never wrote any words in response,

but it's not like you would've meant them.

you left me waiting & ...waiting

i went from dreaming to losing sleep.

if no love's ever wasted,

i suppose mine was never yours to keep.

so I'll watch from the sidelines,

knowing there's nothing holding us together.

maybe I couldn't find love,

but I've found peace for the better.

[cantusecho-archive]

(Okay, trying to gather all my thoughts together into one post. I remember doing this years ago but looking back at it, I feel like I can do better. Not as if it was terrible, but I feel like I need to revisit it because again, it involves Hibiki’s character even still. 

So! Here I go again, haha. Might be kind of long since it includes a recap and my thoughts/headcanons in general.

Starting off, here’s a warning: These are just my feelings/thoughts on the whole thing and also a warning for abuse mention.

Okay, so a recap first---

Hibiki has always just been an ordinary child. It was really the concert where her life ended up taking a turn for the worst. So of course, everyone knows about the whole thing of that; Hibiki ends up being injured and nearly dies thanks to the shards that shot off Kanade’s Gear. So from there, Hibiki’s life begins to spiral. 

After her surgery, she endured rehab. Throughout this, she made sure to push herself through it all, mainly for the sake of her family so they wouldn’t have to worry about her. And like it says in the keywords, her father was actually super thrilled about her being alive.

I think Akira loves Hibiki; that’s his daughter so he loves her. Hibiki remembers him fondly for being a great dad and it was only recently after the accident that he actually began to change. The thing with this is that after the concert, as stated prior, he was thrilled Hibiki was one of the survivors. However, because the company he works for found this out (the boss actually lost his own child in the tragedy), Akira lost his job and was basically humiliated, all because his daughter survived but his boss didn’t.

Surely he had no other way to cope with such a loss (not being able to provide for his family etc.) so he ended up turning to drinking. While this was happening, Hibiki was receiving harassment from her fellow students in school. This sort of information can vary but in my head, I’d imagine it goes beyond just making marks on her desk and calling her names. It can very well end up leading to physical violence (things like pushing/shoving/throwing rocks etc.) So not only was she tormented emotionally, she was tormented physically.

I don’t think the adults were particularly useful either. If there was, they couldn’t do much since I’d imagine that sort of stuff would get out of control. I truthfully could see them turning a blind eye to it but again, this is more of a personal thing I can imagine and not anything officially stated. Regardless, it wasn’t easy for her whenever she went to school.

On the other hand, whenever she would make her way home, she’d be faced with the turmoil there. Ever since Akira turned to alcohol, he had become increasingly violent. The keywords officially state that he became violent to those in the household, which would be Hibiki, her mother and grandmother. They don’t specifically state what it was that he did, but saying that he became violent to them specifically hints to a lot of things. He very well could have put his hands on them or if not, then it could be something like throwing things at them in their general direction, etc. This is a serious topic that I would never want to take lightly or mess up, so I’m sure everyone knows that this can be taken numerous different ways.

There’s no specified amount of time of how long this lasted, but he eventually left the household and never came back. Personally (in my opinion), all of this made Hibiki push him further in the back of her mind. For her to straight up say she doesn’t have a dad in GX just spoke volumes to me. And she repeats it numerous times within the season too, even saying to his face that he “wasn’t her dad anymore”. Hibiki has a habit of ignoring her issues, ESPECIALLY in the beginning of the series.

Of course the hurt she faced was actually really painful so in a way, a person can see it as her having a coping mechanism of merely ignoring them to make it seem like they’d go away or be solved on their own without her involvement. Her father is actually like that as well (though they clearly handled it in two different ways and it doesn’t excuse his actions but I’ll get to that later). Aoi (Hibiki’s VA) has actually stated this in the Symphogear LIVE 2016. She says that Hibiki was a lot like her father in terms of running away from responsibility but she’s had the time to learn and grow to become better while her father didn’t. (he of course learns in GX when he meets back up with Hibiki again).

Due to Hibiki learning over the years/seasons, I believe that she sees he’s actually trying to change and become better and so she takes that first step with him to attempt that change. But again, this doesn’t mean that everything is all fine and dandy super quickly. I truly don’t believe that Akira would go and live with them right after this; it would take some time for them to work things out before he can be trusted back in the same house with them. For all they know, he could fall right back into the same habits but again, that doesn’t mean they still can’t help him. I’d say this is what Hibiki is dealing with behind the scenes and such. The show may not do this, and may say that everything is fine now, but in my brain that’s not how it works so if roleplays, I’m treating it as an issue that still needs resolving and a lot of work.

Because...as much as she said she didn’t have a father, I don’t believe Hibiki hates him at all. Did she feel betrayed and highly upset due to his behavior? Yes, I’m certain and she deserves to feel that way after everything that happened to her in the past. I think she’s stuck; like she loves her dad and would love for him to come back but after everything he’s done, she felt betrayed and didn’t want to see him anymore so she “erased” him from her life. It’s a very complicated feeling I’m sure, at least that’s how I write her. You don’t want to hate them because they weren’t 100% a bad person, but you can’t forgive them so easily after what they did because it just felt like HE didn’t love her as much as she thought he did. But because she’s done some growing of her own, she knows about second chances. This whole entire thing with her father was one issue that she could never get resolved unless he came back because she found her family to be broken the entire time. 

Hibiki, who’s normally known to be optimistic and see the bright side of things, believed her family was so broken that it would never be fixed. That it would never be the same ever again. And technically, their family won’t be the same but she has a bit more hope now.

Hibiki’s reactions in GX, in my opinion, were great to showcase her bouncing emotions due to all of this. Her newfound responsibility for having an actual complete Gungnir made her scared/nervous to a point that it sounded like she got jealous of Maria using it again in episode 4 (I think this can stem from her past as well possibly; as a girl who’s been constantly told that she didn’t matter or haven’t had anything noteworthy to contribute compared to people who died or people around her, she could have felt the pressure of attempting to fill Maria’s shoes or just in general of being the only Gear user available at the time. This can also fit into how she gets into trying to help people in the first place which originally could have been her just trying to find her place in the world until it ends up becoming more of a thing she loves to do and not out of guilt or anything like that. Or I’m looking too deep into this lol). And then right after that, she came face to face with her dad in episode 7 and immediately she runs away (understandably so). I can’t imagine all the emotions she was going through in the span of those few seconds after seeing him again.

But then the next episode, episode 8, she tells Miku that she was grateful that her friend was making her face it rather than run away (and ironically that episode is named something similar to that). But of course, that meet up with him didn’t go so well and Hibiki ended up getting mad once again. Now an issue I’ve had shows up in this episode because they made it seem like Akira didn’t care whatsoever about how Hibiki was feeling. The girl was literally shaking the entire time (not to mention her expression in almost a constant scowl) and got up from the table to leave. And yet, despite asking what’s wrong or why she’s leaving, he just gives her the check to pay for the food.

The check really isn’t what bothers me, it’s just his whole demeanor of that scene. Even after she snatches it out of his hand and runs out, he just looks baffled as to why she acted like that and went back to eating. Now, he very well could have had some sort of epiphany after all that because he began to constantly call Hibiki but she ignored him the entire time.

I can understand why Hibiki would feel afraid of reaching back out to him. As she states in episode 9, she’s afraid of it not working out but it didn’t mean she wasn’t hoping for a good outcome. She took what Miku said to heart and decided to brave another encounter with her father. And from there, in episode 11, he seemed to actually showcase how he was trying to change, trying to be a better man (but once again, even in that very episode, Hibiki said that he wasn’t her dad anymore). 

Now in this episode, we find out where she got her catchphrase (”It’s okay, everything’s fine!”; various different translations but basically all the same) and see Akira stand up for Hibiki instead of running away, which Hibiki believed he was going to do again. Now I kinda get this action, yet not at the same time.

I say not because it felt so rushed, like his character immediately changed out of nowhere. But at the same time, Hibiki has had since episode 7 for all this to fester and be worked on in the background (her being angry and not agreeing to talk to her dad for multiple episodes and he could very well have gone through something himself in the midst of it. Perhaps I should say the presentation of it wasn’t to my liking but what can you do about that? Haha). So I was glad that those feelings had a chance to fester and for Hibiki to personally deal with these emotions that we don’t see from her very often.

But at the end of the day, I really do hope for them to have a happy conclusion, I just don’t believe that it will be that easy/simple. It will take time for them to get on the same page again and that’s something I try my best to implement in writing, if it ever comes to such a topic like that anyway.

In terms of the abuse though, there’s literally no way that I excuse that. No matter what type it is (physically and/or emotional) it has taken a toll on Hibiki in certain ways, I’m sure. I attempt to leave slight hints here and there about what it may have done even if she may not realize it but I’m also attempting to be SUPER careful with it.

Again, for people who don’t know, I write Hibiki having issues with alcohol, mainly because her father used it as a way to cope. She doesn’t drink it herself and normally feels uneasy being around it or people drinking it around her. Hibiki is smart enough to know that not everyone handles alcohol the same way and not everyone becomes violent because of it. But it doesn’t erase her unease.

It’s simply a very easy reminder of those times her father was violent because he was mainly drunk (which is the main reason, once again, why I don’t think they’d be living in the same house. I refuse to believe that, I’m sorry. Lol. That man will just have to live in a damn apartment somewhere else and they make contact like that or something I don’t know).

There’s a lot more other things that can reflect in her actions today due to what she went through back then but I’m also very bad at explaining that and hopefully it kind of just shows through my writing/portrayal. Things like this is what makes me nervous about writing Hibiki because I don’t want to write her as simply being optimistic; I want to write and explore the struggles she has with her emotions/thoughts; those darker parts of her that she keeps hidden. But when I say it like that, it makes it sound like I’d be making her angsty but that’s not my intention at all. 

My intention is to write her realistically as best as I can. Hibiki means a lot to me, so I don’t want to mess this up. This is also why it means a lot to me that people enjoy my portrayal of her. There’s a lot more to her than being goofy; she’s awkward, she gets sad, she thinks a lot about things when it really boils down to it (especially now) and I want to convey that in my writing.

This whole thing is really a mess still and I’m not sure if anything I said makes any sense. If not, I’m sorry. I wanted to try and get things straight in my head again after seeing how people react whenever GX is brought up, especially when it comes to her dad. And with the official Symphogear twitter having a rewatch of all the seasons, it’s bound to come back up. (They’re currently on G so not on GX just yet).

But yeah, sorry. I probably make no sense. The bottom line is; I totally get the issues of GX when it comes to this topic. It’s not easy, it’s VERY tricky and controversial territory because it deals with something very serious, which is abuse. But looking on the other side, the man did at least attempt to be better in the end, even if I don’t like how it was handled. My main goal is for Hibiki to be happy.

Once again, I repeat; this isn’t me saying his actions are excused.  I keep thinking people will believe, with me not hating GX or Akira with every fiber of my being like everyone else, means that I excuse his actions.

I don’t, nor do I encourage them. If he falls right back into that lifestyle and puts his hands on them, then that’s it. He’s done. Technically, he should have been done right after putting his hands on them in the first place but Symphogear wouldn’t do that. It was a hole in Hibiki’s heart so they brought him in so she can finally have that hole repaired...at least somewhat. 

And he’s not living with them (in my mind). That’s the important thing. Lol. But that’s canon stuff; in RP, I’ve done various different things as to where he never actually came back or she found another parental figure to fill that void (someone other than Genjurou because seriously, Genjurou is like the best adoptive dad in this show). So thanks to RP, there’s a lot more room to work with. But I just thought I’d state my opinion for canon things. Might as well say I’m 50/50.

ALRIGHT, I’m done. Again, this probably makes no sense, so I’m sorry. I’ll go now. Lmao.)