#all i do is make characters who Love People and are About Community but the thing is. the thing is. listen—

[aleskie]

THE WAY I LOVED YOU | Charles Leclerc x Reader

SUMMARY: You will never love anyone the way you love Charles Leclerc.

Warnings: None. Just a lil angsty Author's Note: This fic was originally written and published for another athlete/character, but I don't write for them anymore! But I thought it was too good to stay hidden forever so I changed some details to make it suit this setting more! I hope you like it!

“You hate him,” Charles says, his voice low but certain.

He’s talking about your boyfriend, Levi, who you’ve been with for a little over a year now. The one you brought back home with you. He gets along with everyone swimmingly. He finds things in common with your mom—they’ve apparently been texting for a few months now about embroidery—and he effortlessly talks business and stocks with your dad. He plays with your nieces and nephews, throwing himself into their games without a hint of self-consciousness.

Even when your ex-boyfriend’s family showed up to dinner, he handled it with grace—no jealousy, no drama. 

He’s perfect. 

Absolutely perfect.

So why are you hiding on the back porch with said ex-boyfriend? 

“I don’t hate him,” you say, eyes shifting away to the night sky. “He’s good to me. He’s…” Your voice falters, just enough for him to catch it. “He’s it for me.”

Charles scoffs, his tone tinged with frustration. “I was it for you. He’s just nice.”

You and Charles were childhood sweethearts with a love story set against the charm of the Monaco riviera. It was the type of romance people dreamed about—two kids growing up together, sharing dreams, making promises, finding warmth and love in each other amidst a world of fast cars and even faster summers.

In these types of stories, they stay together forever. They get married, have kids—they build a life together and spend their golden years watching their grandchildren play by the sea. 

You wanted that with him. A fairytale story with a fairytale ending: the home, the family, a life wrapped in shared memories. You thought you had it.

But reality has a way of ripping those dreams apart before you even realize they’re gone.

“What do you even want from me?” Your voice is laced with exasperation. “We both know you don’t want to be here.”

Charles shrugs, not even looking at you, his nonchalance only making your heart ache more. 

“Let’s not forget the facts, Charlie.” The nickname feels bitter on your tongue, the affection you once felt now tangled in hurt. “You ended it. You left me.” You can feel the tears starting to well up, but you force them back. You refuse to let him see you break again. “You might always be ‘it’ for me, but you don’t get to blame me for trying to rebuild my life after you.”

Charles broke your heart. Plain and simple. 

You would’ve preferred a slow death for your relationship, something you could have seen coming, prepared for. Instead, it was a quick burial. He’d made it into Formula One and suddenly, you weren’t worth fighting for anymore.

One day, his arms were wrapped around you, his voice soft as he whispered sweet nothings—feeding you dreams of a future, of leaving the country and traveling all over the world together. The next day, he was gone. Packed up his things and took your heart with him. 

He didn’t even say goodbye.

So when he shows up out of the blue, all chocolate eyes and chiseled face and that same boyish smile, it feels like a cruel joke. Like the universe is testing just how much you can take. You tell yourself you won’t fall for it—for him—not again. But then he looks at you, and for a second, it’s like no time has passed at all. The years melt away, and you’re back on that same street where everything began.

“Run away with me,” he says, like it’s nothing. Like you don’t have a life now. Like you aren’t a part of a community, of something—anything. Like you’re his again.

You hate how he can say it so easily, like no time has passed. 

You hate how a part of you wants to run with him

The silence stretches, broken only by the sound of birds and the wind chimes that hang near the door—the same ones you made when you were sixteen, back when you were together. You make a mental note to take them down.

“I hate you,” you say, your voice threatening to break at a moment’s notice, “I hate you. I hate that you think I can just leave everything behind for you. I hate that you think I don’t have a life without you. I hate you.” A pause. “I hate you.” It’s resigned, almost a whisper.

“Mon ange,” he murmurs, his voice so soft, so familiar. It’s the Charles you remember, the one who knew how to make your heart ache in all the right ways. “You don’t hate me.”

A bitter laugh escapes you. “That’s the worst part. I can’t.” You feel a tear slip down your cheek and quickly wipe it away. “We weren’t good for each other,” you continue, your voice trembling. “God knows we fought all the time. Never agreed on a single thing.”

You chuckle, the sound hollow. “You broke me. And I still love you. I wish I knew why.”

He’s quiet for a long moment, his eyes searching yours. “Do you think we would’ve made it if I’d given us a real shot?”

Your breath hitches as you consider the question. “I don’t know,” you whisper, the words barely audible. “You never let us try.”

It takes a beat before you stand, wiping away any lingering tears. There was no more room for what-ifs. You were adults now. You couldn’t afford to dream anymore. 

When you re-enter the house, Levi’s smile greets you instantly. His arm wraps around your waist, and he presses a soft kiss to the top of your head. You try to focus on him, on the warmth of his touch, but all you can feel is the numbness creeping in.

You catch the looks from Charles’s brothers, the ones that seem to see straight through your carefully placed smile. You shove down the guilt—the guilt of letting him occupy your thoughts when your perfect boyfriend is standing right beside you

You ignore the echoes of youth flashing through your mind as you spot Charles re-enter the party. 

You ignore the memories of you and him slow dancing in your bedroom and driving around the city and kissing in the rain. You ignore the memories of the fights, short-lived and fiery and passionate, always ending with a tender kiss and a promise to do better. You ignore the memories of matching bracelets and midnight runs to the store and sneaking into each other’s bedrooms after curfew. 

You ignore everything. You keep smiling, keep playing your part, though deep down you know he can tell it’s all an act.

The evening winds down, and soon Levi is guiding you to the car, saying his goodbyes to your family and friends. You follow along, playing the part of the dutiful girlfriend, hand firmly locked in his hand.

Once inside, Levi turns to you, his gaze soft and warm. “Did I tell you how beautiful you looked tonight?” he asks, smiling at you like you’re the center of his universe.

You offer him a soft smile in return, though it still doesn’t quite reach your eyes. You think that maybe this is what he thinks your real smile looks like. You take his hand in yours, pressing a gentle kiss to his knuckles.

“You’re perfect,” you whisper.

You know you’re lying. But that’s okay. In the end, you’re the only one who’s hurting. You can smile through the lies, through the ache that lingers, through the painful truth that you could never love anyone the way you loved Charles Leclerc.

[thranduel]

if byler isn't endgame...

what was the point of making will in love with mike?

why was will used as a plot device to force mike and el back together and "fix" their relationship issues? (the writers literally took his OWN feelings for mike and his OWN painting for mike that was supposed to be something special between them only and made it all about... el? this is genuinely one of the most cruel, ridiculous and unnecessary writing decisions i've ever seen if it doesn't result in will getting the person he loves)

why did they clearly highlight the contrast between byler and m*leven's relationships all season? how mike makes el feel like a monster for being different vs how he does NOT make will feel like a mistake for being different? how mike and el had the biggest fight after mike apologised vs how mike and will made up and ended up closer than before after mike apologised? how mike and el don't have healthy communication and struggle to understand each other vs how mike and will always have genuine heart-to-heart conversations, understand each other so well and sometimes don't even have to say any words? how mike feels insecure in his relationship with el and has his trauma/feelings invalidated vs how will manages to always make him feel special, confident and gives him strength when he's struggling and needs help?

why are there so many parallels and similarities between will and el as individual characters AND also their relationships with mike?

why is mike's relationship with will different from all his other platonic friends? (and don't just say "because will is in love with him", because in some scenes, MIKE is the one who initiates things and goes out of his way for will. which reminds me, you know how everyone says mike does so many romantic things for el? like not giving up on her when she's missing, taking care of her, being protective over her, etc.? he actually did all of those things for will first)

why did mike vent to will about his fight with el (the fight he claims they "can't come back from") without directly saying what the fight was about? all he said was "maybe i should've said something... and if i would've said that thing, then maybe she'd want me there with her." so... you're venting to your friend and you can't even specify that your big fight was about not being able to say "i love you"? why was it kept so secretive if you truly love her and it's no big deal? you've said you love her in front of a group of people before anyways, even when will was there, so why can't you even say the words to him while venting?

why did mike vent to will (again) and say that if he would've explained himself to el, maybe she would've taken him with her? will says he thinks it's scary to open up like that, to say how you really feel, but shouldn't mike and el already know how they both feel about each other at this point? el heard mike say he loved her in season 3, and at the end of the same season, she said "i love you too" before kissing him. they have kissed a lot, sent letters to each other and do lovey dovey things, which should make their feelings quite clear?????

and what was the point of this line from will?

"because... what if... what if they don't like the truth?"

we're supposed to be talking about el here. sure, will was subtly speaking about himself, and we know that as the audience. but mike doesn't. this conversation is about el, so mike still thinks will is talking about her. why on earth would he NOD after will says the part about how she might not like the truth? mike knows that "the truth" she WANTS to hear is "i love you", so why wouldn't she like the truth? why did mike nod at what will said and why did he agree with him? what is actually even happening in this scene??????????????

why did they make all the canon couples stand together in the final shot of season 4, with mike and will standing together too?

what was the point of ANY of this if they weren't planning on making byler endgame?!?!?!?!?!

[icearts]

Nobody is talking about how Angeal and Sephiroth are exact opposites in EC and it's making me unwell so I'm gonna dump it.

Have some pictures of their 2D renders for fun

Prepare yourself, this rant is a little long (but don't worry there's visual aids)

There's more obvious tells out there, like their body language and overall postures, Angeal is generally more open and Sephiroth is generally more guarded.

However, notably, this carries into how they hold their weapons throughout all of their appearances, even in Crisis Core

Fair warning, my source is multiple Google articles so prepare for some inaccuracy and uncertainty. Feel free to correct me.

Sephiroth carries his sword in an ox guard, which has the purpose of intimidating your opponent while also having the sword protect your vital organs.

Angeal's sword is held in a plow guard, which operates a bit like a fool's guard (I actually thought it was one at first), making yourself look more open to attacks to Provoke an enemy into coming in. Unlike the fools guard, the plow guard gives you a quicker maneuverability to strike first once the opponent comes in.

This is really important for their fighting styles, as Sephiroth is quick and deadly, meanwhile Angeal (i think the game refers to his character type as a Provoke Tank) always stands somewhat in front of Seohiroth and tries to draw in hits, acting as a shield. They have the sword and shield dynamic

BUT ITS ALSO RELEVANT TO THEIR PERSONALITIES you see Sephiroth acts cold and bitter, trying to keep people at arm's length, especially raw after EC Part 1 where he and his past friends had a Not Great Time (I won't give the recap sorry it'll take too long and I'm laser focused rn). Anyways, Sephiroth, much like his stance, tries to intimidate people into staying back. He will not let himself look vulnerable to attacks.

Meanwhile, Angeal is more open and friendly, taking Sephiroth's briskness and impoliteness in stride. He's open and welcoming even when Sephiroth's defense is his offense.

They're also both well trained with swords, so they can probably infer a lot about each other's personalities through how they hold their blade. Angeal seeing Sephiroth as someone who is guarded and closed off, avoiding getting hurt by being the first to lash out. Sephiroth views Angeal as being too open and vulnerable, and may even have a presumption that, like his fool's guard, Angeal is baiting Sephiroth into getting close enough that he can attack him the second he's open. It's good shit.

Next up: the weird purple-vignetted dreams they get in EC

So there's some spooky shenanigans going on in this story. I have my own predictions as to what's going on, but for future's sake, at the time of writing this is am only 2 chapters in. I'll try to be more direct to context and then provide my future game predictions at the end. Cool? Cool.

So we know based on canon that Sephiroth's dream isn't a memory, or an event or anything like that. So by process of elimination, Angeal's is the same way. Plus

Little confirmation here that Angeal always felt unable to care for his parents, which hurts me so bad btw. Anyways, analysis time.

Sephiroth fantasizes about being cared for and reassured. He wants to know what it's like for someone to love him unconditionally, he cannot even imagine the possibility. This dream shows him exactly that, his mother making him food and telling him she's always been there for him and they've always has this. In the dream, he believes it although is confused by conflicting memories. She's momentarily able to convince him that he is cared for and loved by her. In reality, he's never met his mother (her name isn't Jenova either, but that's a story for another day).

Angeal fantasizes about being to care for others. He wants to help his village, create a strong community, care for his parents and make it so they do not have to work so hard. He wants everyone to feel safe, secure, and rested and he is willing to carry all of the work on his shoulders to the best of his ability. His dream shows him doing exactly that, which based on the falsehood of Sephiroth's dream, means it's a false memory and he never was able to care for his parents for whatever reason. Really hopeful the game will tell us soon. Maybe he did try but it wasn't enough. Maybe he was weak because they didn't have enough food. Who knows.

Also, for context, Tetsuya Nomura (FF7 director) did confirm that Angeal's father has a chronic illness and died shortly after Angeal joined SOLDIER, after having worked himself to death. So Angeal dreaming of these memories of helping his dad to support his grateful but guilty mother is likely very much influenced by a sense of grief or guilt.

Then in the next chapter, these dreams happen again.

The Banorans obviously either did not make this promise or did not act on it, seeing the state Angeal's family is in in Crisis Core, his dad having worked himself to death when he was a young recruit and his mother being in a very grief-stricken and detached state.

So this plays into how they view the world. Sephiroth longs for someone to protect him from the world he's observed to be cruel and cold. He mentions this in dialogue talking about how they world views anything different as a monster. Even SOLDIERs to which Angeal promises himself that he'll help Sephiroth see that people are not all like that.

Sephiroth is jaded and distant to protect himself, as he thinks the world will turn on him in a moment's notice. Angeal, however, holds an optimistic worldview. He believes people want to help each other and everyone wants to help each other to the best of their ability.

So they're very much opposites, but they're also exactly what each other needs. Angeal needs to feel needed and helpful, protecting people who trust and depend on him. He is friends with every SOLDIER, able to recognize them at a first glance (ironically he does not do this for Alissa but I may wait to share my theories about her). Sephiroth is guarded but secretly longs to be cared for. See where I'm going with this?

So based on how these dreams are going, they're definitely being influenced by some kind of force or another. Personally I think it's Jenova itself, as Jenova has the power to do this and to transform things into projections of loved ones in order to garner their trust (much like Kadaj does in The Kids are Alright). My prediction for where the climax of this story is gonna go is that Angeal is going to have to protect Sephiroth from these visions, and Sephiroth learns that unconditional love can come from friendship and camaraderie, not just maternity. It's gonna be great. I have entire scenes mapped out in my head about this.

They're a sword and shield, Sephiroth being quick to strike and Angeal always being there to defend. It's one of my favorite dynamics ever. Their appearances also contrast, most notably in their hair color.

They both have a resigned acceptance about the implausibility of their fantasies. Sephiroth does not have a mother to care for him, and Angeal cannot save everyone. The foil of their dynamic is so magnetic it hurts. I will scream if I see Angeal make pumpkin soup for Sephiroth in the future.

My rants getting distracted so I'll cut it off here. Merry Crisis

[callmrmorrow]

brain vomit on conquest, spoilers for s3 finale and some comics spoilers as well

no i don’t want to see analysis on conquest unless we can collectively acknowledge that he’s a pathetic little (big) shit and he’s all the better for it

whichever writer decided to characterize him as a guy who has serial-killer level confessions to his combatants and showed multiple instances of him having like a deep love for combat as a weird allegory for the connections he never got the chance to have… kudos to you.

like yes to some extent they’re making him a disturbing freak because that’s who he is but there’s a REASON he’s on that level. i don’t think he was lying in that monologue and it implies something about viltrumite culture that even someone who has been so engrossed in it will eventually want to seek out connection. conquest has literally been around for every notable event in viltrumite history and he’s not valued as a source of wisdom like most cultures would their elders. he’s literally just an animal, and he’s treated like one, because even though he’s strong and arguably a great source of wisdom, the current leader of the viltrumites is incredibly strength-oriented (this is like a major plot point).

there’s something super bad about being devalued like that no matter what species you’re in. and to be devalued for like… so damn long that the only thing left for you to do is kind of go into it? i saw a post talking about invincible being about toxic masculinity and i wanted to say i half-agree, half-disagree because it’s like… yes there are aspects of that but also it was written by a white dude in the early 2000s and the comics are less about “yes men should be able to express their emotions” and more about “yes men should have women that they can express their emotions to while being comforted in their bosom” because you never really see that sense of man-to-man community. whenever male characters in the comics wanna get emotional, they just fight and yell simultaneously. (i may have misunderstood the point of that particular post but it just stuck with me)

you see it even here with mark and conquest, where conquest is only chill with opening up about it because he’s like… kind of doing it to freak mark out, too. i said it earlier but it’s kind of like how serial killers will open up about themselves to people they’re going to kill because two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. he feels lonely, yes, he wants to cry, yes, he doesn’t think anyone will care because nobody will. it’s not some self-engrossed thing where he’s like “oh everyone hates me,” literally everyone hates him. nobody likes this guy in the invincible verse. he’s just stating facts that humanize him after committing unspeakably inhuman acts of destruction.

he’s speaking to mark, who has fearlessly protected his loved ones throughout the entire fight, about feeling lonely and lacking loved ones. he’s explaining that yes, to some extent i do envy what you have, even if it is weakness. but look at me now. i’m above you, i’m KILLING you, and you’re going to die knowing that for all that love you give and receive, i am still stronger than you. that i have wanted the same things you did, that my viltrumite heart is as tainted with yearning as yours, that we are the same beast and that you WOULD’VE beat me if you had been more like ME.

obviously mark beats his shit in not once but TWICE, so conquest’s internal compass of “i am strong because that is all i am to others” is utterly derailed by mark’s “i am strong because that is what i have to be for others” and he ultimately goes out knowing that 10000 years of being a dog for his people meant nothing. nobody knew who this guy was outside of the blood on his hands and between his teeth. he is nothing but his name and he redefines CONQUEST.

meanwhile mark is … not so INVINCIBLE but everyone knows him as who he is behind the name. conquest is not afforded that privilege.

at least that’s my incoherent interpretation of the scene. does this make like… any sense at all?

[princeloww]

just to clarify on the little TOTA project I'm doing; this isn't going to be a huge art book or a properly binded zine or anything like that. I really appreciate all the messages I've got and all the people offering to help and contribute!! My goal is genuinely just to make a small booklet (A5) that will fit into an envelope. I don't want to go overboard or send her something huge.

The idea is just to show Donna that lots of people love and care about this show, enough to have created such beautiful art. I want to show her that I'm not the only one still inspired and deeply touched by her work.

On that note, if people want me to use their art, keep sending!! I think we've got such a sweet little community full of talented and generous people. I'm currently looking for art of any character other than Campbell. Thank you!!!!

also major thanks to the lovely @fishyfutaba who has been helping me out <3

[thebroccolination]

helloooooo ! sorry if you've already been asked : a lot, like a huge lot, of people don't trust new siwaj as a director and are disappointed of him directing revamp. i dare say myself i don't fully have faith because i don't like the slowness he inserts consciously or not in some scenes. my fave serie is uwma as well (that's how i know you from twt) and i've watched ten of his dramas (i checked mydramalist) including his two latest 'fourever you' and 'perfect 10 liners. and i found some "improvement" if i may dare say. but people don't forgive him about 'we are' character toey who is ace in the novel having a nsfw scene in the drama.

ANYWAY. all of this gibberish to ask for your opinion please, thank you ^^"

Good morning!

New is a complicated subject for me.

I’ll be honest that I also have reservations about him, but they’re unrelated to any of his three recent series (which I haven’t seen). My main qualms with New are his mishandling of Between Us and his insistence on tackling all the jobs himself even when he is demonstrably not equipped to do them.

If you go back far enough, you’ll see a ton of positive meta posts I made as Between Us was airing, because I went into that series with 2.5 years of goodwill toward New for directing Until We Meet Again and also for building Wabi Sabi, the only Thai studio and agency with an openly queer CEO who explicitly allowed his queer talents to be as open as they dared. Earth (Cooheart) simply couldn’t have grown the platform he has now anywhere but Wabi Sabi. He wouldn’t have felt that safe anywhere else, I guarantee it. Just based on the interviews he’s given and the homophobic bullying he went through on the sets of his early series, I think Earth could have easily been shoved out of the industry altogether under any other management.

Wabi Sabi also became a new home to Art, whose career was almost obliterated by the relentless smear campaign against him by Mew and his fandom.

Without New, we wouldn’t have Boun, because before New, Boun had spent seven years being taken advantage of and abused by the entertainment industry. He doesn’t talk about what he went through nowadays, but back in early 2020, he shared some pretty harrowing details about what was done to him by certain predatory figures in the industry. There are a million ways his career could have ended prematurely if New hadn’t stepped in and taken him under his wing at Wabi Sabi.

Then there’s Prem, who was part of Starlatiz when UWMA aired, but New maintained a good relationship with his agency to the point where people regularly mistook Prem for a Wabi Sabi artist. Wabi Sabi didn’t just post updates for Boun’s schedule, but for Prem’s, too. Even when Prem had solo projects, Wabi Sabi still promoted them. And in an era where multiple khuujin had been separated or poisoned by their agencies or managers, we could have lost BounPrem so, so easily in those early days.

New kept Wabi Sabi, a small queer agency, going throughout the pandemic barely making ends meet—if he wasn’t outright in debt.

Now, I think he did do a subpar job on Between Us. I could rant and have ranted about that for hours. I’ll save that for another time.

But I also think New deserves grace for the sheer scale of the contribution he’s made to the QL industry. To the queer community in his country. To the actors he’s fostered and nurtured. SOTUS might have been the tidal wave that really kicked off the BL surge in 2016, but without Love Sick in 2014, we wouldn’t have had SOTUS. And New was still in his mid twenties when he directed LBC, so he really has been a pioneer in many ways.

As a director, I don’t love his music choices, I wish he’d give the editing scissors to someone else, and I think he needs to get over his “sex scenes aren’t necessary because I’m good enough that I don’t need to resort to that” mentality because not every sex scene is extraneous, New, but.

As a person, as an advocate, as a pillar of the queer community, as a friend and a mentor, I will always give that man his flowers.

So while I can’t speak to the series you’ve mentioned, I can say that’s why I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for Revamp. It’s outside his normal wheelhouse, and I don’t know if he’s really got his heart in it, but I also think Boun wouldn’t have trusted him with his passion project if he didn’t think New would do right by him.

(Of course, Boun’s also a big softie where New’s concerned because of the whole Saved My Life thing, but y’know.)

Ultimately, I’m willing to wait to see the results before I judge. I don’t want to pile on doubt or negativity on a project Boun has put his blood (ha), sweat, and tears into for years.

So fingers crossed.

I love you, New, don’t fuck it up. 🫵

[wheeloffortune-design]

Was there any part of the history you found particularly hard to nail down/find out more on when writing "Mrs. Victoria Buys a Brothel"? :o

I've sat with this ask in my inbox for a couple of days because I wanted to think about it before answering. Writing historical settings is always hard because it comes with a lot of research and often, things that don't make sense to us. I surely skipped over some drastic realities such as STDs or hygiene practices to keep the tone lighter and, let's say, sexier.

I have people of many backgrounds interacting in the story, so it's always a challenge to research the story of US immigration when there are characters who are Black, Chinese, Mexican, and Irish.

It's also a challenge to portrait correctly Native Americans. The love interest, Natane, comes from the Eastern Shoshone tribe. As a writer, it takes a lot of effort to unlearn the colonialist tropes that usually come with a Western, and you need to question everything before writing. Also, in research, I found it harder to find sources coming from the actual tribe, because often the sources are about them, and not from them. I hope I portrayed it with respect.

Another part that was really challenging was religion. I'm atheist myself, raised catholic. Since religion is such a great part of society at that time, I couldn't really write characters with my own point of view about faith and god. I had to understand what religion brought that could be good to them: community, tradition, solace.

It was hard to talk about the horrors, too. The Church is a great contributor in the genocide of Native Americans, I couldn't just skip over that.

So, I had to tiptoe the line. Natane was kidnapped by catholic nuns and raised far from her tribe. But Siobhan, as an Irish person, was persecuted for practising the same catholicism. It's also a great part of Consuelo's Mexican heritage.

That's not even counting other characters and their own faith. Mrs. Jackson is a devout protestant, Mrs. Zhao goes with the flow but misses Confucius, and Mrs. Horowitz still attends Mass because, my dear, there's absolutely nothing else to do in this dreadful town.

(I'm not even getting into Mormonism, even though a part of the story is set in Salt Lake City.)

Since most of them are secondary and tertiary characters, I couldn't spend too much time on them, but I've been writing Tales of Swainsburg, a companion piece or short-stories (available in the kickstarter). I can go deeper and explore the origins, motivations, and yes, faith, of those characters. It's very interesting, even if that means I need to do even more research. Now I'm reading about the Irish famine and the Mexican-American war.

Despite the challenge of it all, it was incredibly interesting to write such a varied cast with their own history and motivations. I think including diversity in a story is not a chore, but an incredible tool to make strong, believable, and unique characters.

----------

Mrs. Victoria buys a brothel is a sapphic romance western, and currently available for pre-order on kickstarter.

[zengguos]

lottie rambles featuring shauna dynamic talk (made before season 3 episode 6 so my interpretations may change! also I believe the wilderness as a deity is purely psychological created by lottie so I will be talking about it like that).

do you ever think about how lottie was always told in life that all she is, is selfish, dangerous and hurts people? to the point she tried to be helpful and understand people all her life, projecting the way she wished she had that support system, was understood and listened to. she tried to be selfless by taking and sharing others pain with herself (even if it was enabling dangerous ideology like the deconstruction of reality, objectivity and subjectivity post-crash — carrying that on into the adult timeline with the people in her commune).

(she was doing this, having a need to be there, trying to help out way before the wilderness too — being first member to try and comfort allie, having her say in the freezing her out talk & shifting tai's aggression from shauna onto herself during the pit fight. these are core fundamental traits of hers we are introduced to in the pilot, to be involved, righteous and caring).

yet, post-crash, into her adulthood you can understand both sides — the selfishness & the selflessness. that is what lottie's character encapsulates, she is both of many contrasting emotions, thoughts, feelings, descriptions. showing you cannot be one or the other even if they are paradoxical concepts. you can't be black or white going through life, you're bound to always be grey...

the wilderness just broke those insecurities and desires she had internalised about herself free into the forefront, enhanced by her psychosis and fragmented identity/sense of worth leading to the creation of this prophet role. the desire to be someone people can rely on instead of being a liability, someone that can bring people together instead of break them apart, someone to bring some guidance instead of uncertainty, someone that is seen and has to be listened to instead of pushed to the side. to bring love, protection, security, sense and clarity of the madness (things she wanted deep down).

this event transformed the negativity surrounding her schizophrenia as she no longer had those external stressors and pressures. as all throughout her childhood she had been silenced, ignored, shamed and blamed for who she is by the people around her, by her environment. it was drilled into her so much that she also came to hate and deny herself (it even still effects her into adulthood too).

that when her hallucinations were acknowledged and called a "gift" by laura lee — someone who was part of the only place she had ever felt some semblance of security and love in — it had made such a huge impact on lottie's life. taking those words to heart (for many years) as she tried to make it one, a literal gift. however, this would soon be harming as much it was euphoric. as her need for support, love and acceptance for who she is got distorted with the association to faith as she developed the role of the prophet...

it didn't help that her deluded reality with the self created threat (and her denial coping mechanism) of the wilderness soon became shared by the group, that her thoughts and beliefs became based in actuality making it harder to be challenged. the wilderness becoming more of a threat through her as she mystified it, unconsciously controlling its narrative, causing lottie to be a victim and a instigator.

which spirals her into desperation (showcased through her tendency to self harm) and frustration based in anger (as a teenager) in the periods were she could no longer connect to the wilderness and make sense of her situation and her actions through it, or when the rituals are not fulfilled correctly and belief of the wilderness is shaken by others.

this erratic behaviour is further facilitated through the position and power the group has given her. at first she didn't understand, but her impressionable mind twists their perception of her into it making sense in her own reality. especially with the skewed association she has with love, faith and devotion — she sees her "gift" through being their prophet as the bridging connection to get what she deeply wants and she clings onto that (even if it is harmful) by maintaining the need for the wilderness. she wants to keep that feeling of importance with them. not to be forgotten, abandoned and turned on like in her pre-crash life. she wants to fulfil those expectations for others now, unlike she couldn't pre-crash from the people around her, but just like pre-crash they're impossible. yet in the wilderness the impossible seems possible — everything from the old society they knew is deconstructed and reformulated in this brand new civilization here in the woods.

she does want to help and protect them, but in her own way that uses the wilderness as an unconscious external source for that gripe of power and acceptance within the group hierarchy she is still after deep down (although, currently she doesn't explicitly have the leadership role right now like before, she does have majority infulence and the power to change the leader of the group still — which that is interesting to her dynamic within the group and herself — hopefully we will see more of that unspoken imbalance show itself).

however, misty saying that she could possibly angry that the wilderness didn't want her to be the leader anymore and her delayed reaction is a very interesting moment showing her psyche. her slow responses, expression shift and eye movements. she is upset because the wilderness gives her a voice she felt she didn't have, a purpose, importance, to become part of her identity and not having that leaves her insecure and vulnerable again.

lottie has shown she can be selfish, pressuring, aggressive and manipulative here within the guise of selflessness and protection too. especially during this time in early season three by trying to force other characters like travis and akilah into channelling their connections to the wilderness for her own needs which is different to the needs of the others that use her visions/connection with the wilderness. she targets that emotional fragility of others for her own gain as well shown how she pressures akilah into going back into the caves and how she'll use the bonds the others have each other to her advantage (despite their trust in herself). for example akilah's trust in travis, she stopped travis from going in straight away even though he promised that he'd go get her as soon as the rope stopped. we can see how good her observation and intuitive skills are, how they can be a comfort AND a manipulation too depending how people perceive and respond to her words of advice (these traits in particular carries on into her adulthood too).

again, she does genuinely want to help, she does have good intentions at heart, but it's how they are performed and executed which places lottie in a complex dilemma, making us the audience question is this behaviour/action truly for the greater good and benefit of the group as a whole? or is this individualistic ego talking.

then you see that anger she had when she was younger transition into desperation and frustration based in sadness when she is an adult experiencing the wilderness once more.

she has heavily educated herself on this, she's experienced this slip so many times, she know the signs, she know the exhaustion that comes with this on-going battle of self yet... she can't stop it no matter what... it's even more tragic as she falls back into it. being aware, but unaware at the same time.

(I just want to point out how fucking fantastic simone is here in this scene with the bees, showcasing lottie's restraint erratic-ness, but not in an aggressive frantic manner like teenage lottie is seen a lot in with courtney's amazing performance. I really love this scene).

now the mask she had created for herself in her adulthood is broken again as she battles her self identity once more. she sees the antler queen telling that this life she is living in now is self-repression, that this is not her true self, that she was free in the woods. which in a way it is true...

in a state where she was heavily traumatised to the point of mutism when we see her in the rescue scene, she went back to a life where her agency was removed and her voice she found fully ignored, her wilderness identity full crumbled as it was a life once again full of denial, neglect and abuse when she was rescued. her parents put her through shock therapy, heavily medicated and sedated her, sent her away to another country, stripped her from any sort of connections she had with the other survivors, the people who she loved. you can only assume how horrible the reports on her would have been in the media, how she must have been seen, how her story must have ran around, the narrative of her life once again out of her control. it was like it never happened, yet it did, she had all these experiences and was still deemed crazy before and after this event. she was the only one to receive that treatment, that pressure with no support system. she was back with everything she hated. but, she was not that person anymore, she was made in the wilderness. she had more freedom and control in the wilderness setting despite it being horrific and life threatening which says a lot. especially with how it left her when she got rescued.

she had to find a way to get that feeling of self again. being able to sympathise with others expriencing the similar troubles as her as shown in that hospital scene, having them rely on her she falls back into the closet thing to that moment — fully immersing herself in the journey of healing.

but, it's tragically ironic.

she falls back into that pattern she knew that kept her stable, secure and loved even if it is harmful to herself and others that facilitate this balance and power dynamic for her. the association of a cult, centered around things they did out there, still partaking in her self harm habits, overlooking a wilderness, overlooking a lake... she never got over it, she never escaped it, she would and could never deny it the way the others were able to. she kept the cards... she kept the necklace... she kept re-opening those wounds... she kept hold of everything physically and internally for years while everyone tried to move on and construct a disconnected life.

a luxury she could not have.

then a chain of unfortunate events all occur at once where it just seems too good to be true, setting her off again. to have nat come in — after being saved by lottie after a failed attempt — and say she is insane, to say that all she does whenever she tries to help is hurt people.

to literally see it in front of her again with travis dying that she could have stopped it (but it was not fully her fault, if going by her events, that he called her thinking she would have the answers, when the idea of the darkness returning was placed into his paranoid mind while under the infulence, re-triggering lottie too with such a traumatic event).

the guilt of laura lee's death coming back that she could have stopped (she mistook that traumatic stress inducded hallucination as a sign of the darkness and the vision of laura lee being this harmful monster this time may be caused by the after effects of the shock therapy due to its associations).

with everyone else arriving from the past she regresses further and that isn't her fault, but the hunt on shauna she could have stopped that and misty telling her the death of nat is much on her hands too, another thing she could have stopped from happening (yet, they were all equally guilty for falling back into that and allowing it to happen with their collective paranoia).

somehow, she's the only one that is consistently punished for it despite others involvement of these events. and unfortunately this perception the characters have about her being selfish, dangerous and harmful post-crash was constantly reaffirmed within these narratives that she had faux power in, as this falsely sanctified image. when realistically, she was powerless in these events just like everyone else, yet she is still blamed for every part of it, fully... even by herself (her self harm, destruction and guilt coming back).

and we see that's one ways they survived — just as quick as they are to rely on her when good things happen and they need support, they are just as quick to put the blame onto her without thinking how that would still impact her to this day. thinking she's too "crazy" to process it and understand the weight of her actions... which is so wrong. it always stays with her deeply in her mind — "how much do you guys remember."

and how can she not forget.

they (misty voiced it) blamed her for the necessity of all the hunts to begin with too after shauna's beating. all these deaths were technically on her hands despite her having no control over it, never wanting it yet... she comes to accept it.

her defense mechanism being the wilderness... in her mind, in this moment where they hug her, physically hold her and affirm they are glad and happy that she is okay and still alive — I feel it is the moment the hunts soon enters the conception of the wilderness. to make the killings make sense and denounce their whole responsibility over it. protecting them again and allowing them to blame her. it's a selfish and selfless moment. the love she receives contrasting with the horrors committed, she now fully takes on both. she tells herself she needs to do that subconsciously. even as she denounces her leadership, she's already taken a more serious and deeper role within the group.

that's why, years later, she once again takes it into her hands as a felt responsibility to restart the hunts as she attempts to control the situation the only way she knows how, thrown back into that survival mindset, despite not needing to.

it's tragic to see her life fall apart in front of our eyes as she subcomes to the paranoia. we clearly see her battling this dilemma internally over the reality of the situation throughout the episodes until 'it' fully takes over her, transforming from her therapist to the antler queen. indicating she has fully entered a psychosis episode and is the prophet once more. emotionally, she feels the need to enforce a new hunt because only she can do it and only she can supposedly handle the repercussions of it (even though she clearly cannot).

yet, this time the wilderness was the start of her undoing, there were two fates sealed that night.

lottie begins to fully regress. this is the circle that is her life, making her loop back to the start...

this moment, in the kitchen, had so many layers to it — through shauna's anger here, you can tell she saw everyone blurring together.

(god simone's facial expressions in this scene again, her eyes say a thousand words with lottie! I really love her acting).

"it never meant what you thought it meant."

lottie like always tries to challenge shauna's perspective once more, tries to challenge the narrative of many things within shauna's life and get shauna to stop running — this is an attempt to move forward, not back. here I do not believe she was under any deluded infulence.

(even if back then she said callie was powerful in her psychosis episode after she just took a shot to the arm like it was nothing — but maybe I'm wrong with future episodes... but for now this is my thought on the scene).

because in many of lottie's climatic moments with shauna, you can feel the emotion between the two is clear, real and raw. lottie's placement with shauna in these big moments through her perspective is usually trying to ground her and makes her look at everything. she deeply cares for shauna enough to even allow shauna to beat her to a plup in grief to clear her mind and how she defended shauna's grieving actions from tai during the jackie body fight, attempting to give shauna some closure.

however shauna's perspective of lottie is the opposite, changing from needing to be defensive to aggressive with her as shauna further breaks down. we can see that with how she views lottie with her child in her dream, how she outright rejects lottie's mysticism and guidance for something dangerous, obsessing over the potential threat she may cause (despite shauna being a threat herself). lottie gave herself up as a punching bag, as someone for shauna to vent out her frustrations on and shauna has ran with that even since to the point it has clouded her judgment of lottie. it created an antagonistic dynamic in her mind, despite that never being reciprocated.

and because of this dynamic: they bring out each other's fatal flaw — lottie's love & shauna's rage.

so, I believe we exprience this reaction to the necklace in the kitchen through shauna's perspective as she voices her distress.

but, lottie is right, the necklace was never meant to be about death, it was always meant to be a symbol of protection, love and comfort. she tries to get that through to shauna. yet shauna sees it at face vaule, a symbol of death not the one of hope and luck jackie meant it to be. the one of comfort it originally was meant to be when lottie gave it to shauna back when they were about to burn jackie's body.

this moment forces shauna to panic, due to her denial and guilt, over being faced to acknowledge that once again she changed the meaning of something that belongs to jackie, what she left behind for shauna, when she placed it on nat during the first hunt for the worse. the meaning jackie put onto necklace, the meaning lottie gave to the necklace by giving it back to shauna — that's what lottie is telling her to remember, not what it became, but what it was.

also this may be a far assumption, but the "you can feel it too" — the emphasis and tension in that, through shauna's perspective, she chooses to focus on that being about death, making it sound more sinister than it is through the emotional roller coaster she is expriencing right now.

but, really this is about jackie, not the hunts, not the wilderness chosing — it is jackie because this moment of returning the necklace to shauna as adult is calling back to the body scene. it gives a hint that lottie understands the turmoil going on beyond callie's inquiries into the past with what shauna is go through. adding more to the connection between callie and jackie that the story has visually alluding to as well.

lottie has always been quite intuitive when it comes to shauna's emotional wellbeing especially in these situations. coming back to when they were all together drinking when shauna said she would rather not know what she is suppressing and lottie said she'll have to face it eventually as it manifests itself sooner or later in life...

now this scene in the kitchen, it may have been interpreted as a gesture of kindness on lottie's end compared to shauna. this is what jackie may have wanted, this is what might have happened to the necklace in another reality if it kept its original context. a hand me down vs a death sentence. this is just a really scene that shows what yellowjackets is about, the double narrative, the double line of reality, the double perspective. how shauna sees, in her reality, lottie as the main antagonist to her protagonist in the narrative of her life. but, in actuality lottie is one of the most loving presences shauna has ever had in her life.

(hey maybe wearing blue flannel again and kicking someone out is shauna soulmate-ism LMAO. but with lottie's death and the events of episode 5, you can now see shauna is starting to fully face her reality, what lottie wanted and the real truth of the situation. questioning the narrative she's placed on lottie as she starts this journey of uncovering her death — I hope she comes to see that and the tragedy of lottie and their relationship outside of what was just mentioned).

anyways, back to the main point...

lottie is rejected once more by shauna. seeing that her actions have hurt her, someone she loves once again and she is forced to leave before she can even explain herself. the meaning her actions have once again been misinterpreted — vilified by shauna's viewpoint of her. she is abandoned by another loved one. this is the final nail in the coffin with how she has been rejected fully by the only people and place she could call her safespace.

lottie is now fully pushed into that vulnerable insecure state. returning her mentally to her child self, that literally leads her physically back to her first childhood home — where it all started. we saw how her life was forced to move backwards once the wilderness started showing itself to her again. forcing her to face everything about it once more.

how she lost everything she built as an adult.

how she was sent back to the ward.

how she returned to someone part of that only place she ever felt accepted, herself in, loved in, that she cared deeply for and wanted that understanding back.

how she was doing things she did as a teenager again.

how she went back to her first childhood home. a place where she was still being seen as her younger self by her father who has an even more warped sense of reality than herself now.

still apologising repeatedly for her actions that hurt people, to what feels like everyone here and not here, but also — with the visual cut to her young self... it is to herself. with how her life has ended up, with how everything she has ever loved has gone, how she could not protect herself still, everything she tried to do in all of her attempts to rebuild and break free of the cycle of self harm and self destruction she finds herself in... 25 years after such a terrible situation that basically made her, this now is breaking her. she couldn't escape (shown by the location where she ends up dying — she predicted it, she couldn't break the cycle).

that she was not lottie here, she was charlotte.

dying in the place where her life ended, but also where her life began...

alone.

she was left alone from the beginning.

she was still alone until the end.

the moment she was never alone was one of the worst events of her life that was paradoxically probably the best time of her life with the people she loved the most.

she was a victim of her environment, a victim of others and, sadly a victim of herself... she was dangerous, she was hurtful, she was selfless, she was helpful, she was kind, she was manipulative. she was so many things, but there is nuance to it, she transcended the typical description for these words.

she is a tragic character through and through.

[erithel]

Hi! Happy birthday! (If it still is in your timezone, and if it's not - happy belated birthday!)

Seeing your latest post, i wanted to tell you how much your fics, comics and art in general changed my life.

Reading your fics got me through the hardest times of my life. It's written to a degree so high it's astonishing. No fic i have ever read has made me feel the way yours did. Each and every one of them - even the unfinished ones - are so important. To me and so many others who have read them.

The things you write about, the angsty, sad and angry parts of life many are afraid of - they make processing the accidents that happened in your readers' lives so much better. Reading the characters letting their feelings out, reading them talk about the harsh truths, is what makes doing it in real life so much easier. It makes it less frightening.

Through your fics i learned how to communicate so many problems and difficulties in the last two years of my life, i genuinely don't think i would be alive today without them.

Your art has made a place in my heart at least 3 years ago. Your art has been a lighthouse in a dark, dark ocean. Always saving the lives of so many.

Your art-style, your comics, are some of my favorites. It's so beautiful, and it's so delicate - every detail perfected to a fault. The plot in your comics is, in my opinion, on par with the plot of your fics. Every plot twist is masterfully crafted, each word impactful. The characters never lacking in any way.

Your effort is showing in ever comic page, in every new chapter of your fics. It's been a pleasure to follow your art for so long, seeing the new things you tried. It's never invisible, never wasted. The thought you put into every single piece of any form of art is appreciated, and very viable.

Your art is never going to be replaced as long as people buy and read it, and i know it's never going to be replaced because i am one of those people. I will always be exited to see your url on my notifications, never mind the state i'm in or how uninterested i am in the fandom at that point in time.

Your art saves lives, and it's not going to stop doing that. Never.

Thank you for continuously putting out your art, even at times when you felt like giving up on it.

I hope this made you feel a little better about yourself in that regard. Your existence itself, and not just the art you put out, is important and appreciated. By many. Please never stop doing what you love as long as it's not hurting you.

I had to sit on this message for a bit just to process it.

Now, I think I want to say three things in response.

This is incredibly meaningful and the fact that you took the time to type this all out means the world to me.

I hope that you are okay. Obviously since this is posted anonymously, I cannot reach out to you directly or privately, but learning how to process emotions and communicate issues is such a tough road sometimes. It's one I'm learning to do, myself, and I am so happy to hear that you are learning what works for you. Progress might not feel like it's there at times, but it is there, I promise.

Everything that's been written here should be validating for anyone who writes or reads fan content. Personally, I have always written stories that hold personal importance to me, and I know I am not alone. A lot of people use fanfiction as not only an escape but as a means of catharsis. It feels more personal, in a way, than some traditionally publishes books or widely available shows/movies. And it makes sense because people aren't writing about things that will do well in the market at the time, they are writing about things they truly want to write about. Things that often hold deep, emotional meaning to them, and they are simply using the form of already established characters to convey those things. Creating fanfiction can often feel like something not to be taken seriously (and, to be fair, there are those who truly just do it for fun). But I know I need to remember — and others probably need to remember, too — that you never know who might find your story at the exact time they need to read it. You never know how much these things might stick with someone, or what they could mean to someone other than yourself. Thank you for reminding me that even though these fan creations aren't taken seriously by so many, the chance that they might actually have an impact on even one person is the thing that matters.

[marimbles]

i miss carpisuns sometimes </3

[bitchfitch]

I've started playing Potion Permit, and so far it's one of my favorite games I've messed around with, but the most big brained move the devs made was giving you a dog on day 1, and then making that dog able to track NPCs and lead you directly to them no matter where they are in the town.

[deoidesign]

Can you make a tutorial on how you world build and make ocs? I can't seem to make any people in my brain, but then when I try to come up with environments jobs, beliefs and little details to slowly come up with someone, I think: well I don't really know how people have influenced the world- it's a weird loop

To be honest, I don't think I can! Writing is an extremely personal process. The way I write is directly related to how I process things, what I find important in stories, years of my own analysis of my and other's writing, etc... The way you write will be unique to you, as well. But I can explain how I personally think of it.

The short answer:

Write. Write anything and everything, it's a tool to explore your ideas. Analyze your own writing, and write more. Then, as you discover which ideas you want to develop, write more to explore them more. You won't know what you want otherwise!

The long answer:

I think this kind of loop is common. It's easy to feel like everything needs to be done "at once," because our job as writers is to make elements logically fit with each other for our readers. But as you've discovered, developing multiple elements simultaneously isn't really possible, or at least is extremely difficult.

Personally, when I think of writing, I break it into three major elements; characters, world, and plot. As much as possible every scene explores one or more of these, and as much as possible these three things tie back into what I personally consider most important: theme.

Everything I do is in service of the themes I want to present. Without them my events feel aimless. It can take a while to discover them, but they're the core of my work. You will have to discover what you feel is the core of yours. Analyzing other media helps with this too.

Concepts in your brain exist in a state of infinite potential. But when you start writing you have to start making choices, which removes potential as you move forward... But you have to move forward anyways. If there's ideas you want to explore later, you can always explore them later.

What this ends up meaning, to answer your question, is that I don't think of my characters as "people in my brain" or my worlds as something people have influenced... Not at their core, at least. They are tools that I use to represent specific ideas. Obviously they're also my blorbos, but mostly they're serving a specific narrative purpose.

So above all else... Write. Write, and discover what you're writing about, and then start over and write with that in mind. Keep doing this. But you have to write!

[moeblob]

OCs today because I really missed them. Since I wanted details still but with less effort (aka no shading) I opted for their DND AU versions.

Not pictured: Paul (a Pauladin if you will) messing up and probably nearly dying for the fifth time.

[eosofspades]

okay i meant to make this post forever ago but my personal opinion on why so many people were so dissatisfied with lightfalll (disclaimer: i am not one of these people, i love lightfall SO much), is that lightfall was kind of subjected to a really aggressive marketing campaign.

like, stick with me here, i feel like almost all the lightfall release content (the trailers especially) were so focused on battling the witness, how this battle has been centuries in the making and this is the Second Collapse Finally Finding Us, only for there to be,,, no real resolution. the end was left on such a severe cliffhanger, but not only that, there was NO battle with the witness. the witness didn't even seem to be having a hard time at all with what we WERE throwing at it.

and for narrative reasons *i* am obsessed with this ending; in terms of storytelling i adore practically every creative decision that was made in lightfall, but i think the reason that so many people were so upset about it is because lightfall had such intense marketing and was rooted in the implication that this was the End of Days, only for us to get almost no closure, and instead so many more questions.

(there's also something to be said, i think, about the fact that the people who ARE most upset about this are like, the youtube gamer dudebros who's content is very very often rooted in the aggressive, violence-and-warfare, pvp-centric, no-interest-in-lore approach to destiny, and that the people i've seen primarily ENJOYING the narrative decisions (or at least being understanding about it) are the artists and writers and loremasters of the fandom, but i'm not quite sure,,, how to expand on that point.)

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Theyre going to think I like canon and purely canon if I keep going on like this