#all i do is go to work and dissacociate or cry because im ruining everything
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having to tell your partner that you can't move in together because actually you feel trapped and it might ruin the entire relationship is a total vibe killer tbh
#vent post#im losing my fucking mind i feel so much guilt#but the guilt would be worse if things go south and we sign a lease#i dont want to break up with them. to be clear. i want to not live together because its too fast and will destroy the relationship#at least im very sure it will#but i think the hurt and betrayal this is going to bring on from them is goung to make them leave#i cant even blame them.#i feel so awful.#my body thinks im disintigrating and ive stopped sleeping almost at all#all i do is go to work and dissacociate or cry because im ruining everything#i really love them. i just think theyre in love with a hologram of me in my 30s playing with our kid in the suburbs#i dont even want to live in the suburbs. ive never wanted to be a parent#having career based dreams makes me feel crazy. like im constantly killing myself to stay alive. but its who i am and its who im becoming#and i dont think they get it. i dont thjnk they ever will. and they dont have to .#but i want them for good. i just dont think theyre mine to keep#the guilt rests in my kidneys and trembles upwards towards my esophagus#im losing a battle i was never made for. im losing my love because i dont want to lose them#things are. awful. i hate being in my early 20s actually. i feel like an animated corpse being haunted by memories#of things that couldve been. that still could be.#im a shell of who i was. i just want to stop gazing in the fun house mirror looking for who i am. i thought i had me. i thiught i knew.#mace chats
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