#all games very dear to me. none of them are ones I could universally recommend.

[kunosoura]

like I can think of games probably dearer to me but that aren't my number one recommendation. dark souls. mount and blade. fable 2. pmd sky. dragon's dogma. there's undertale of course but it doesn't need me stumping for it.

[thefanficmonster]

You Never Notice

Sykkuno x Reader (Female)

Warnings: None

Genre: Fluff

Summary: The center of someone’s world is never aware of their importance even when everyone else is in the know. People are hard to understand, no denying, but if we all spilled our truth like how Y/N admitted her feelings to Sykkuno, mutual understanding would be achieved a lot more easily. JK, she needed an eternity and maybe a thousand pushes. What’s important is the result though, right?

Requested by Anon. You are my first Sykkuno request and I wish I could thank you with a tag. Instead, I’m gonna thank you with a fic in which I put my all. Thank you for the request, hope the final product doesn’t let you down. 🥰

Here we go again. Sykkuno’s love life is brought up. This time it’s more frustrating cause I can’t shout how wrong he is about himself and the effect he has on the people around him. He has no room to speak, he hasn’t experienced what I have - one of your best friends living in your head rent-free because you’re just that whipped by them. That’s right kids, some of us never grow past the middle school crushes - they are a constant for some. That can be a good or a bad thing, it completely depends on how you view it.

Currently, him and Rae are addressing some dating rumors that started spreading about them earlier this week while Felix, Sean and I are kicking each other’s butts in Party Animals. We’re not all playing together, actually, we were all playing different games when we hopped into the call and just grouped together after playing solo got boring. Rae and Sykkuno are playing Among Us on a random server, her being the only person who’s streaming right now. She said she just wanted to clear up the dating rumors cause they were annoying to see popping up on her feed on every social media platform she’s active on.

“It’s ridiculous, really. People just look for online personalities to put in imaginary relationships. Are they that bored? I know quarantine is getting to everyone, but damn“ Rae says, laughing a bit to take the edge off her words but I know she’s bothered by this ordeal more than she’s letting on. I know how much it bothers her when people ship random youtubers and streamers together, even when she’s not involved. 

And I agree. Ever since I started streaming I’ve been shipped with my friends left and right. First Corpse, then Dave, Joel...you name them. It gets kinda gross cause these people are legit like siblings to me. Unlike Rae, though, I don’t waste my breath trying to clear those ‘talks of the net’ up. I don’t know if it’s for better of for worse that I remain silent on the issue when I’m involved but am willing to stand up for my friends when they find themselves in a similar situation. Some people think the reason I don’t share my thoughts is because the rumors are true, but the hint is most often taken, resulting in the ship ending. Well, that ship ending, there’s always a new one popping up. As Rae said, it’s ridiculous.

“Why does everyone think I am ever dating anyone? I’ve already commented on this: no one would date me.“ Sykkuno says through a sigh-like laugh.

“Why are you so sure?“ I blurt out without as much as a second thought

My eyes widen just a bit, just a bit. I’m not too surprised with myself. I am slowly losing control of my raging emotions and I’m afraid of what I’ll turn into when all my restraints snap. A mess, that’s the most likely answer.

“Well....“ Sykkuno trails off, clearly more than a little nervous, “I don’t have a girlfriend right now, and I haven’t had one in a while...Nor has a girl shown any interest to be more than friends with me in what feels like forever.“

“I’m sure you just don’t notice the hints girls drop. We can be pretty subtle.“ I try to sound as nonchalant as possible while I’m still in my panicked animal mode. And by animal I mean a cub. A scared cub that is now showing confidence but will run and hide right afterwards. I silently thank the universe that I’m not streaming right now. I can feel the heat on my neck and cheeks which is pure embarrassment and would have been more than evident on-camera.

“Yeah Y/N’s right, Sykkuno. Girls can be very subtle, but they will always let you know if they like you, even through the smallest of gestures. You gotta keep your eyes open.“ Rae backs me up reassuringly.

“Guys never notice anything.“ I say, rolling my eyes. I feel the pressure lessen thanks to Rae’s involvement in the conversation.

“That’s not true.“ Sean protests, “We pay close attention, especially to girls we are attracted to.“

“Yeah!“ Sykkuno pipes in again, “I’m pretty sure I would notice if a girl was dropping signals that she likes me.“

Now that stings. That legit makes me wince and cringe as though his voice delivered an actual physical hit to my chest and stomach. It’s really unpleasant, painful even.

“You never notice.“ There’s something about this triple opportunity - proving him wrong that he’d catch onto a girl’s signals; proving him wrong that girls aren’t attracted to him; coming clean about the biggest emotional struggle I’ve experienced in recent years; - that snaps my last emotional restraints. I will totally regret this later, but after the regret comes the relief which is 100% worth it. 

“What?“ He sounds very puzzled. I can just about imagine him frowning as he tries to wrap his brain around something even I can’t wrap mine around.

“You say you’d notice a girl’s hints of attraction. OK.“ I nonchalantly throw Felix off the submarine in Party Animals while I keep talking, “Would you notice if a girl purposely doesn’t kill you in Among Us when she’s impostor? Or would you notice that a girl always sends you links to videos she finds funny? Or that she always shares music and movie recommendations with you and you only?“ 

Dead silence ensues. I feel like they have all glitched, considering Sean didn’t even try to put up a fight when I lifted him and threw him in the ocean as I previously did with Felix’s avatar.

Maybe I was a tad too specific and made the whole situation hit a little too close to home for me. 

Sykkuno and I have become really close friends and we chat and play games regularly. As I mentioned, I give him movie and music recommendations and I only recently started acknowledging the fact that I’ve never killed him in Among Us. Natural instinct I guess. In fact, I feel the need for vengeance when he’s killed. I refuse to even vote for him unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Now that I think about it, it’s not his fault he has no clue. I just don’t know how to properly drop hints.  

“Um...I mean, I guess I would notice but I’d never think they are that type of hints.“ He finally replies.

On point there, dear. On damn point.

“What does it take for you to be convinced that a girl is into you?“ Who cares that a bunch of people are about to witness this outpour? It’ll make it more real, yes, but it will also help me believe that it happened so I don’t try to crawl back to the point where return is an option. No return now. You’ve already passed two thirds of the way. The last one will set you and your mind free. 

“The only way I can be sure is if she tells me, really.“ He sounds so nervous and shy, like he’s trying to draw as little attention as possible.

He doesn’t have to worry. I’m about to pull all the attention on me.

“Well in that case....you leave me no other choice.“ My screen displays me as the winner of this round of Party Animals - an easy one considering my friends are glitched in real life. “I like you, Sykkuno. I like you a lot. And I know you will see it from every context except the one its meant to be in so I’ll be even more head-on - I’ve liked you, as more than a friend for quite some time now, but buddy, you can be sooo oblivious sometimes. Anyway...“ Here’s that regret I was talking about, it’s already creeping in. “Don’t feel the need to say it back. I don’t wanna hear it if you don’t mean it. And Rae,“ I can’t help but laugh at the thought, “Sorry for making your chat go crazy. Peace!“

And I disconnect from the Discord call.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?“ I say out loud, staring at my desktop. “The cat’s out of the bag and you can move on now.“

I push myself to get some work done in order to get my mind off the mess I’ve created. I’m afraid of thinking about it, I know I’ll get too upset to do anything with the rest of my day if I do.

Suddenly, just as I’m about to open my email, my phone chimes. My brain doesn’t bother to stop my arm from automatically reaching out and checking the notification. A message.

From Sykkuno.

~ I knew you didn’t suggest me ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ for no reason

Me ~ So...?

~ So, I’m not the only oblivious one here, Y/N

Me ~ Wait WHAT?

~ ‘Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist’?

Me ~ Oooohhhh...I see

It takes him a few seconds to reply, the bubble with the three bouncing dots popping up and disappearing a few times now. I just now feel my heart banging against the inside of my ribcage, my pulse echoing in my ears.

He did seem a little too eager for me to watch that movie...

~ So, movie date?

I laugh, wholeheartedly and honestly. Genuine joy running through my veins.

Me ~ So it is.

The grin that is now decorating my features promises to stay there for the rest of the day. I bite my bottom lip at the thought that pops into my head.

Me ~ Phew, I can stop sparing you in Among Us from now on

He sends me three cry-laughing emojis in return, but I don’t need those. I can just imagine him laughing as he usually does with one hand covering his mouth. And here I thought my grin couldn’t grow wider.

 Imagining him happy makes me smile. His happiness makes me happy. He makes me happy.

Even better...

I think the feeling’s mutual.

[berrymeter]

onf !! i want to know more abt them so i wanna hear what u say abt them! <3

HII... u have come to the perhaps wrong place but it's okay bc i think i'm right all the time 💕💕

my fave member: u know it would be really funny if i said a non-jayus member now wouldn't it. but yea it's jayus aka j-us. what kind of stage name is that? idk. ik what it means but that doesn't mean i approve of it

my fave singer: ....... i must break my silence... it's jayus again 😔 no he's not part of the vocal team. but i love his voice. HOWEVER i will say they all have great voices & my second favourite tone is changyoon's

my fave rapper: well. they only really have wyatt. who should not rap. BUT he's a great singer so i can still answer that he's my favourite bc like... um... anyway

my fave dancer/performer: once again. jayus. this time it makes sense since he's... the leader of the performance team. he's always the one who gets thrown around & carried in choreos & ofc i love that for him 😌💕 also i think my pinned would tell u jayus is just a good performer in general like that's a man made for the stage your honour... respectfully. but i will also say onf generally have great choreos that don't leave out anyone skill wise. they're just great to watch as a whole

my fave title track: sukhumvit swimming. As We Know. but it's tied with complete bc it's very dear to me!

my fave mv: honestly... any mv that isn't ugly dance. most of them have storytelling (love storytelling) & the one that doesn't is a silly little mv that is so fun & good! ugly dance mv is evil though. but for sake of this ask game i'll say sukswim again. that mv threw me in for a loop & led me to create a whole fictional universe based on it... u could say that mentally, i'm ill! (also jayus 👁👄👁)

my fave bsides: 😳 oh so many. here i made u this handy guide. but the short version is cactus good good geppeto i.t.i.l.u the realist+the dreamer moscow moscow 86400 fifty fifty my name is show must go on and... um... well i'm just gonna end up listing the whole playlist. i have some i like more than others but i already had to remove a few songs... it's so hard to pick favourites when u like the whole discography.......

a song i’d recommend to new fans: good good!! it's fun! also they had half the group rapping but none of them can rap but it's still a fun song lmaoo

here i'm giving u a random screenshot i took during the concert for laughs. for free. ofc this makes no sense without context but they were just having unrestrained summer fun

[itsclydebitches]

Discredit Pt. 2: More Recommended Reviews For A.Z. Fell’s

Alright, folks. Some notes first: 

1. You all rock. I’m sending out 20k+ virtual hugs for all the notes I NEVER expected to get on this nonsense. 

2. This is probably the final section, just because I’m not sure I can adequately follow up part one and it might be foolish to attempt it here. Let alone twice. But for now, here we go. 

3. Kudos to the anon who reminded me of Aziraphale’s cash-only policy <3 

4. Nicole Y’s review is based off an actual comment I read years ago, but heaven only knows where online it was. I’ve got the memory of a goldfish. 

5. Trigger warning for the use of a queer slur in this. It’s the same review as above, number 5 if you want to avoid it. 

6. There’s a text-only version of just the reviews at the end, after all the images. I’ll upload that to my Sparse Clutter collection on AO3 in a bit. 

Bonus 7. People thinking this is a real shop deserve all the good things in this world. 

That’s all I’ve got. Hope you enjoy! 👍

****************************************************************************

I’m a simple guy who likes simple jokes. If there’s a whoopee cushion I plant it. I will call you up to ask if your refrigerator is running and then tell you to go catch it. (Actually that one died out so thoroughly it’s actually capable of a comeback now!). Yes, I’m a dad and yes, I have a t-shirt that says Dad Jokes? I Think You Mean Rad Jokes! which I wear un-ironically every Saturday. All of which is just to say that my wife was well prepared for my stupidity when I walked into Fell’s.

I? I was not.

You see the bibles when you walk in? The ones to the left? Let them be. Don’t even look at them. Definitely don’t pick out the fanciest one you can find and absolutely don’t walk up to the owner with it held in your pudgy little fingers, grinning like a loon, cheerfully asking whether this should be in the fiction section. Just don’t. Mark my words you’ll regret it. Though your wife won’t. She’ll get a great old laugh out of it all.

In conclusion: it’s quite possible that mama did raise a fool and he just got his ass verbally whooped by a guy in a bowtie.  

***

Shout-out to Mr. Fell for being the only decent bloke in this city. I’ve popped in and out of his store for years—including before I started transitioning. So he knew my dead name, dead look, whole shebang and I was definitely nervous to play the ‘You know me, but this is what’s changed and are you gonna throw a fit about it?’ game.

You know what he said? “Oh, Rose! What a lovely choice. Crowley dear, why aren’t you growing any roses? Some white ones would look splendid next to my Henredon chair.”

That’s it. He just went straight into dragging his partner for not giving him roses. So hey, Mom? Next time you’re snooping through my social media why don’t you explain to all these nice people why the 50+yo book seller accepts me in ways you won’t. Don’t go telling me age is an excuse or that you’re ‘Stuck in your ways.’ I’ve watched Fell dress in the same damn clothes since I was ten!!

Yeah. Sorry. Rant over. Fell’s a gem. That’s my take. Rose out.

***

Anyone else in the shop when that guy started yelling about buying pornography? And then got escorted into the back room for some ‘private conversation’? Well done, Mr. Fell! Didn’t know you had it in you.

***

Alright alright alright alright I am TOTALLY calm about this.

Went into A.Z. Fell’s last Thursday. Not because I knew anything about the place. Just because I’ve been hitting up every bookshop within a twenty-mile radius, asking if they’re hosting any book signings. Long story short I self-published my novel Blight last month—which you can get for a mere £5 here but I swear this isn’t a promotional thing I’m just BROKE—and have been looking for networking opportunities, tips, stuff like that. So the owner listened politely as I explained all this. Then said he didn’t do anything of that sort, which didn’t surprise me given the shop’s vibe.

But then? Then??? He offered to let me do a signing there??????

As said. Totally calm about this. This man either plans to kidnap me or is actually giving me my first shot at an audience outside my blog. AKA totally worth the risk.

Tuesday the 9th. 7:00pm. Just in case anyone’s interested ;)

***

holy sweet baby jesus i was tripping balls last week you tryin’ to tell me that kING KONG SIZED FANGED FUCK SNAKE IS REAL

***

Witnessed the most perfect exchange the other day:

Grumpy Dude With No Manners: “You. Boy. Where’s the man I spoke with over the phone?”

Mr. Fell’s Partner Who Knows Damn Well Only Two of Them Work There But Clearly Doesn’t Like This Guy’s Tone: “Did this man give you his name?”

Grumpy Dude: “Might have. Don’t remember. Sounded like a fairy though.”

Me: “....”

My girlfriend: “....”

This Poor Sweet Startled Kid On Our Left: “?!?!?!?”

Fell’s Partner In The Drollest Voice I’ve Ever Heard: “None of us have wings. Out!”

***

This shop gets full stars simply because every time I walk in they’re playing Queen.

I mean, I’ve walked in once, but once is enough when you’ve got Crazy Little Thing Called Love blasting full volume.

***

Okay, I’m still kind of shaken up but I needed to write this out somewhere and this seemed as good a place as any.

I spilled my latte on a book. Just tripped on thin air, popped the lid, and chucked a venti’s worth of coffee all over a very expensive looking text. I didn’t mean to, obviously, but it happened and I just started bawling on the spot. Full on sobs because this semester has been absolute hell, I ruined this guy’s antique, there’s no way I can pay for it, I can’t even sneak away because I’m drawing the whole store’s attention...just all the things all at once. I really was straight up panicking and was seconds away from pulling out my inhaler. I couldn’t breathe.

And then Mr. Fell showed up.

Jesus it’s embarrassing to admit but I think I hit him once or twice. On the arms I mean, because he was trying to touch me and I figured, I don’t know, it was a restraint or something. He was going to call the police and hold me until they got there. But then he managed to start rubbing my back and I lost it like I hadn’t already been bawling my eyes out in this shop. Ever cry into a perfect stranger’s chest? I have! But if Mr. Fell seemed to mind he definitely didn’t show it. Just kept holding me while I probably ruined his shirt and then took me into the back and made me a new coffee in this cute little angel mug. He let me stay there while I called my sister and waited for her to arrive.

She’s a good twenty minutes outside of Soho, so we talked for a while. It’s not like Mr. Fell could fix my shit roommate or bio classes, but I guess just talking about it all really helped. I was a lot calmer by the time my sis arrived and Mr. Fell insisted I come back any time I wanted—for browsing or more coffee.

Of course, sis offered to pay for the book herself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so surprised in my life. “Certainly not!” he said. “Contrary to popular belief, no one should pay for their mistakes. It’s what makes you all so wonderfully human.”

So yeah. Thanks, Mr. Fell.

***

This little shop must have started a book club for kids! Lately I’ve seen the same group of children hanging out at Fell’s. Three boys and a girl. They’re a bit rambunctious at times, but who isn’t at that age? So wonderful seeing literature passed down to the next generation. Even if some of it is rather questionable looking...

***

It’s an honest crime that more of you aren’t talking about what a wonderful bookstore this is.

I’m a book lover at heart and Fell’s always makes me feel like I’m coming home. I just arrived somewhere safe and familiar after a particularly harrowing day. I’ve slipped under the covers of my bed after dinner and a bubble bath. It’s something like that, but with an element of surprise too. One of the reasons why I adore private and used shops over chain stores is that little touch of chaos. You walk in and sure, there are general sections to browse, but everything is just a little bit disorganized from people leafing through books and then putting them back somewhere else. There’s no real record keeping, you’ve just gotta head to one particular corner and hope for the best. It’s not the sort of place you go to if you want something specific because the chances of them having it are slim—that’s just how the universe works—and even if they did no employee knows where it is anymore.

But if you wander the shelves for a while, crouch down low to get a look at everything on the bottom shelf, pay attention to the books that don’t have easy to read titles or any summaries to speak of... you just might find something you didn’t know you were looking for. That’s Fell’s: the comfort of the familiar and the excitement of the unknown.

*** A lot of people might assume that these stories are embellished or outright made up, but as a bookseller myself going on twenty years I believe every single one of them.

That being said, I accidentally moved a rug and found chalk sigils that look like they belong in a cult. Make of that what you will.

***

There’s a special place in hell for 21st century shop owners that only take cash. Who carries cash anymore? Not me! I haven’t bothered with that nonsense in years! You can get a card reader for 15 pounds on Amazon. Or you know what? Be stingy and pay 7 for the little attachment on your phone. This place is nuts if it thinks it’s going to survive much longer on a cash-only policy, especially with some books that look like they’re worth hundreds or thousands of pounds! Yeah, yeah, just let me pull out this giant wad of bills for you. I’ll carry them around a crime-laden city because there’s no ATM near you either.

I mean jesus, you’d think this guy didn’t want to sell anything.

***

I walked in. There was a man screaming at a fern while another threatened him with an umbrella. I walked out.

5 stars do recommend.

***

I once walked in on the same (?) guy yelling at a book for daring to fall on the owner’s head. I think that’s just a Thing over there.

***

Like a lot of people here I didn’t actually go to Fell’s for any books (flat tire, Angel Recovery taking forever) and ended up staying three hours (not because of Angel). No, I wandered towards the back and found this ancient CRT set propped on a table of books, the kind that my Dad used to watch Twilight Zone on. This lanky guy had a marathon of Gilmore Girls going... though how he was managing that with a broken antenna and no DVR, I really don’t know. But yeah. He told me to pull up a chair and I did. Guy gave me popcorn.

I wish I’d paid a little more attention to his name. Charlie? Curley? I really can’t remember, but thanks for the enjoyable afternoon, man.

***

I BOUGHT A BOOK HERE

Not sure how though. Just kinda happened. First edition of Just William. Frankly I didn’t even want the thing, but the owner basically shoved me out the door with it when I took two seconds to look at the spine. Odd that he was so willing to part with this one.

Update: ... hold up. I didn’t buy a book because I never actually paid the guy. ‘Basically shoved me out the door’ was literal. Do I go back??

***

This page has really gone feral the last couple of months so I’m just gonna bite the bullet and say it:

Anyone notice that Fell’s snake and Fell’s partner are never in the same room together?

***

I really don’t like the implications of this…

***

This is precisely why the Internet has turned into a cesspool. You all should be ashamed of some of the stuff you’re writing here. Can’t two men just be friends anymore? Two real life men? These guys aren’t some characters for you to ‘ship’ or whatever. Quit making outrageous assumptions about their sexualities and use this website for what it’s actually for: reviewing the bookshop. Honestly I’m so sick of this sort of this shit.

***

Dude. They run a queer-focused shop together with a flat on the second floor. Fell calls the guy ‘Dear’ and he’s always calling him ‘Angel.’ People have literally seen them kissing. If you want I can give you the number of my physician. He might be able to help you pull your head out of your ass.

***

What the hell is your problem? I’m literally just reminding people to stop making assumptions. It’s gross and insulting. These guys check their Yelp page. You really think they’re gonna be okay with this stuff?

Also: I’m not the five-year-old relying on insults, so.

***

Making an account purely to set the record straight: I’m the hot twink in question and I married that angel. Peace

[purvishraick]

ABOUT ME TAG GAME

Thank you for the tag @silma-words

Name/nickname: Khushi or whatever random names my friends give me (it can be bad as hell or sweet as sugar depends on their mood 😂)

Pronouns: her / she

Star sign: virgo

Height: 5'1 ( i look like a baby compared to my friends who are 5'4 minimum 👀)

Time: 10:35 pm (at the time of writing this)

Birthday: 28th august

Favorite bands: One direction (directioner forever 🥺) , 5 second of summer , why don't we , SANAM

Favorite solo artists: Astrid S , Shawn Mendes , Taylor swift , James Arthur , Gracie Abrams , Harry Styles , Liam Payne , Louis Tomlinson , Zayn Malik , Niall Horan , Arijit Singh , Palak Muchchal , Shreya Ghoshal , Arman and Amaal Malik

Song stuck in my head: a mix of Be Alright by Dean Lewis and Tu Jo Mila by KK (english: that i found you) ( very emotional hindi song if you understand the lyrics 🥺)

Last show: Shadow and Bone

Last movie: Dil Bechara (english: Poor Heart .... hindi remake of fault in our stars ) (last movie of SSR ... we miss him badly 🥺😥)

When did I create this blog: September 2020 ( in start i only lurked and reblogged )

What do I post: my BB fanfics and reblog qoutes and choices related stuff i like

Last thing I googled: Tracy Wolff's Covet witch edition ( i am obsessed with her Crave series ... well throw anything vampire or paranormal related and i will be in love with it )

Other blogs: nope none for now

Why I chose my URL: it is well my name only ... but now i regret it cause my friends could easily find it ... i may change it in near future if something good catches my eyes 👀

Do I get asks: yep a few mostly when i reblog prompt lists

Average hours of sleep: well untill my alarm goes off 😗 4 -5 hours are sufficient for me but if the alarm dosent rings i wont wake up ... i can sleep for very long times or i wont sleep at all 😵

Dream trip: Alaska or Ladakh ... anywhere full of snow 😍 i love snow ❄❄

Favorite food: Pancakes 🥞🥞

Languages: Fluent in English and hindi , local himachali language (Himachal Pradesh is my hometown and my dad sung me lullabies in that language❤ ... so i am quite good at it ) , basic french ( i can understand it well but when it comes to speaking i am not that good but i survive 😂)

Favorite song: lately it's been Dear Ex Best Friend by Tate McRae and Lag Ja Gale by Lata Mangeshkar (english: Embrace me dear ) ..... cause well i miss my best friend from 4th standard whom i haven't talked in 3 years 😶😐it was quite rough ... though i am lucky to the new people i found after that i will be ever greatful to them

Last book read: Covet by Tracy Wolff ( i reread it for the 3rd time ... cause guess i am obsessed over it and they announced the next book comes in september and we are having a spin off too ❤❤) (it is a recommended read for all the vampire and paranormal lovers out there 👀)

Top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: The Vampire Dairies universe (including the originals and legacies universe) , Crave Universe and the BB universe cause why not 😍 ( surprisingly i wanted to be in the charlie and the chocolate factory universe back in 5th standard ...cause what is better than to live in a chocolate factory ... except the fact that i will also be a big fat balloon cause of the calories 😂😂i dont recommend that now 😂)

thank you so much for the tag i enjoyed doing this so much ...it was a long one but worth it definitely ❤😁

[ladyautie]

get to know me more!

@funyasm​ tagged me and I’m bored after writing my chapter, so here it is!

✨ what do you prefer to be called name wise?

My name’s Sophie. My friends call me Spencou or Spence. We met on a Role-Playing game forum where I played a character named Spencer. We’re used to call each other by our characters’ names and nicknames, most of the time. My brother calls me Sis’.

✨ when is your birthday?

15th november 1993.

✨ where do you live?

Paris, France.

✨ three things you are doing right now?

I’m watching an episode of AT4W on youtube, scrolling on Tumblr and I’m drinking a coffee.

✨ four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

Definitely It and especially Eddie Kaspbrak and the ship Reddie. I’m kinda obsessed right now, writing fanfic, reading fanfic, daydreaming about it and all.

I just played the Last of Us 2 and I’m currently watching a let’s play from my favorite youtubers, Mari and Stacy from Geek Remix. I’ll probably read a few fics as well.

The tv show Barry (HBO) is a definite special interest for me. I’m probably going to watch it all once again real soon and I’m planning on writing a fanfic or two in the future. I’m dying for the third season to come.

Finally, I’m probably going to be super into The Umbrella Academy once again, when the second season will be released. I’m just really into Vanya, Klaus and Allison and I can’t wait to see more of them.

✨ how is the pandemic treating you?

None of the people I know have been contaminated, so I’m lucky about that. I’m not quarantined anymore, back to work, and the transition is not easy. 

I feel like I’m more openly autistic than I used to be and that I can’t stand the rest of the world for a long period of time. I’ve experienced multiple meltdowns and shutdowns and I have real difficulties to socialize with most people or to focus on my work.

I feel incredibly naked and vulnerable whenever I’m leaving my flat without my mask on, so I think that’s definitely something I’m gonna have to work on in the future.

Leaving Paris and meeting my folks for my mother’s wedding, I found myself surrounded by people who mostly didn’t care about the virus, kissing each other on the cheek in true french fashion to say hello, hugging, not wearing a mask, not respecting any kind of social distance. 

I was quickly overwhelmed by all of that, plus the noise, and I had to isolate myself in my parents’ car, sobbing hysterically and willing to suffer in a overheated car if it meant having a bit of peace.

There are definitely going to be long-term consequences. I can only hope that my physical health will remain okay, though.

✨ song you can’t stop listening right now?

Keep On by Sasha Sloan. I just really love the lyrics and the message.

✨ recommend a movie.

Whenever I have to think of a movie to recommend, Frank by Lenny Abrahamson is the first one that comes to my mind. This movie is an obsession for me since the first time I watched it and I often find myself watching it again and again. Despite its heavy subjects, it’s definitely a comfort movie for me.

Too often, movies featuring mentally ill characters will aim for the characters to “get better”, which doesn’t mean for them to find healthy ways to cope with their issues, but usually for them to look more “neurotypical-like”, if you know what I mean. Frank  doesn’t go that way at all. On the contrary, it pushes the viewer to empathize with the main characters and to understand their point of view, their way of being.

It’s so incredibly comforting to watch a movie featuring mental illness realistic and not romanticized and to have the movie say “you’re different and you have issues, but you’ll find your tribe someday and be able to find your own happiness, even if it’s unconventional by society’s standards”.

I don’t know, I just have so much feelings about this movie. Plus the music slaps, the humor is hilarious (kudos to the random French guy who can perfectly understand English but refuses to utter a single word if it’s not in French) and the actors are truly on point (I can only salute Domnhall Gleeson, among everyone else who is also worthy of praise, because he definitely managed to make me hate his character in a way I almost never hated a character before).

Watch it!

✨ how old are you?

I’m 26 years old.

✨ school, university, occupation, other?

I used to be a librarian, but I couldn’t find a stable job in this field, so I passed an entrance examination and I’m now working in the tax administration. Yeah, not really glamorous, but it pays the bills and I’m accommodated for my disability, so it helps. 

✨ do you prefer hot or cold?

Definitely cold. When I was a kid, I used to swim in mountain lakes, at temperatures close to 13° celsius, and I still take my showers mostly cold. I can’t stand heat, I get headaches very easily when it’s sunny and I’m getting confused easily whenever it’s too hot. I recently had a nosebleed at work so intense that I found myself spitting blood (it went better once I got a fan, making the temperature bearable).

✨ name one fact others may not know about you.

I used to be allergic to my own sweat when I was around 18, until my early twenties. Whenever I was doing a mild physical effort or getting stressed out, I would get hives and itchy skin rash all over my whole freaking body, which was so exhausting that I would fall asleep immediately as soon as the rash was gone. 

It disappeared as suddenly as it appeared, without me ever doing something about it. I still don’t know why I experienced that and if I’m going to experience that ever again. I hope not.

✨ are you shy?

My autism makes social interactions complicated, but I’d say I’m mostly impaired by my social anxiety and the various traumas I’m dealing with daily.

Traumas I got after having been bullied pretty badly by kids and teachers during my school years, my stepfather being borderline abusive and different traumatic experiences, including my childhood crush dying from a ski accident when I was 15 or so (and me never being able to tell him that I loved him) and people betraying me so many times that I can’t even recall every little thing.

As a result, I find myself doubting constantly that I’m worthy of love, affection and respect and I often wonder when I’ll do or say the “wrong” thing that will cause me to lose everyone I care about. I also have a hard time knowing who I am and, as a result, allowing everyone to know who I am as well. 

I often don’t know what to say and will find myself keeping my mouth shut, even on topics I’m knowledgeable about, because I’m scared of people shutting me down, among other things. My friends make it easier for me to talk about things I like and all, but I’m still heavily doubting myself.

I try to challenge myself regularly. I’ll force myself to take part in events that are taxing or that are forcing me to perform in front of people. That’s how I found myself taking part in the casting part of the french equivalent of ��American Idol” (I merely met the pre-judges, but I did manage to sing my whole song in front of them). I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.

✨ do you have any preferred pronouns?

I’m using she/her, but I don’t mind people using they/them to talk about me if they don’t want to be gender-specific.

✨ any pet peeves?

I hate how people can freely and openly be homophobic, racist, ableist, transphobic, sexist and so on, but as soon as I open my mouth to let them know that what they said/did wasn’t appropriate, I’m labelled as one of those “hysterical feminists” or a “party pooper”. s/ Sorry if your antisemitic joke isn’t making me laugh, my “dear” colleague... /s I hate whenever people infantilize me, especially my mom. She’s still keeping an eye on my bank account, despite me telling her that I didn’t want her to do so again and again. I don’t dare to block her out, because I’m scared of her emotional reaction.  I hate the ugliest parts of fandom, notably the obsession with “who’s topping / who’s bottoming” whenever there’s a gay pairing or the racism / ableism / transphobia / homophobia I’ve witnessed again and again.

I don’t dare to engage in the Last of Us 2 fandom because of that and the way some people describe the character of Abby (a very muscular woman), focusing on her physical appearance and calling her awful names (being downright transphobic when they thought that she was the transgender character that Naughty Dog announced there would be in their game). 

✨ what’s your favorite “dere” type?

I had to google it, because aside from Yandere and Tsundere, I didn’t know a thing about it. I guess you could say I’m a Dandere (someone who is quiet and asocial. They are afraid to talk, fearing that what they say will get them in trouble.). 

My favorite type is Kuudere though, when it comes to anime in particular (someone who is calm and collected on the outside, and never panics. They show little emotion, and in extreme cases are completely emotionless, but may be hiding their true emotions. They tend to be leaders who are always in charge of a situation.). 

My favorite anime character, Kiyotaka Ayanokōji from the anime Classroom of the elite, is the most extreme case I can think about. He’s completely expressionless for most of the anime, talks with a very dull voice and it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking about at all times or what’s his overall plan. His hidden depth makes him all the more fascinating. He managed to keep me interested in a mostly meh anime.

✨ rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

It’s a bit hard, but somewhere around 5 or 6? I went through tons of crap in my life but I’m still here and able to live on my own, even if my quality of life isn’t all that good. I live with nearly daily suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and have to compose with my meltdowns and anxiety attacks as well. I feel “other” most of the time and I can’t relate to most people I’m meeting and interacting with, which can sometimes feel very lonely.

On the other hand, I have wonderful friends who are willing to put up with my trauma crap and are overall amazing to talk to and be around. I have a cat I love dearly. They’re the reason why I’m still alive to this day, giving me a reason to say fuck off to my suicidal thoughts. 

✨ what’s your main blog?

My main blog is Ladyautie and is about autism. I have another blog, reddie-4-more, focusing on the It movies and Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier.

✨ is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

So, uh, don’t be weirded out by the kind of things I can tell you about my past. Even if it seems a lot, all of it is definitely true. 

For example, I was almost kidnapped when I was around 8 or 9 by a random guy, while I was camping with my father. 

My father and my paternal grandmother actually kidnapped me and my brother when I was around two and I stayed with him until the social workers determined that my mother had to raise us again because our well-being and overall life were threatened. 

Lots of events of my life seem far-fetched or out of a movie / a book or something and I had people telling me that I must be lying or that I’m over-exaggerating, something that always hurts deeply.

I’m terribly awkward and more or less openly autistic, so you’re definitely going to notice something different about me. I can’t change for you and I’m not willing to hide my traits only to make you feel more comfortable about frequenting me, so if you can’t handle my socially anxious and disabled ass, then just leave.

I need people to actually tell me what they think or feel. I’m very “first degree” and I’m pretty bad at guessing what people are thinking about. Don’t be afraid to be frank.

Finally, never, and I mean never, infantilize me. I’m a 26 years old woman. I’m not a kid.I’m fine with my friends offering to help or making sure that I’m okay or so, but never assume that I don’t understand something and don’t force your help on me if I say that I’m okay.

That’s it, those who want to take part in this exercise, don’t hesitate!

[darkdevasofdestruction]

The Blood Moon

Summary : With great powers comes great responsibility, so why bother with them, when you can just chill back and relax? That’s what Katrina always told herself in a way to calm down whenever she felt herself lose control, but nothing will stop her from getting in trouble with literally everyone around. Her world was chaotic, like the last seconds of a fly trapped in a spider’s web, but what happens when the world literally goes Upside Down for her, has to take care of a group of nerds much bigger than herself and even worst, she feels her heart beat for the first time, but now, not because of anxiety, but due to a much warmer feeling.

Pairing : Billy Hargrove x OC (Katrina Black)

TW : Stranger Things, as a TV show, explores a lot of themes, including childhood trauma of various types, which I am going to go along with.

—

This story contains and explores a variety of trauma and darker themes, most of them relating in canon to a certain character, others that I’m more familiar with then I wish I were and so on.

I have this story written on AO3 that I wrote in like 3-4 days because GODS I am in L O V E with Billy Hargrove and someone please save me, all my feelings are in here, from sorrow to glee, from fluff to angst and so on.

But I’ve never been prouder of a story I’ve written like I am with this one.

—

Chapter 1: The Fox and the Lion

I had no idea how the hell I managed to get wound up in a group of 12 year olds’ troubles, but I can’t deny that it wasn’t fun, if not, just crazy dangerous and deadly. I met up Mike and his little group of nerdy friends whilst going to the arcade one day and them cursing my nickname for not being able to defeat my high-score in any game. Of course, since all arcade games only had a 3 letter maximum for each name, I put mine.

“FOX”

Because I have red hair and can be pretty sly and sneaky, despite how very introverted I am. Now it’s my last year at Hawkins High School, this one being the most important because if everything goes right, I may get a scholarship and be able to continue my studies further, to University, pursuing Vet Medicine, like I’ve always dreamt of.

Now, to tell a little bit about myself…

Officially, I was called “3”, just like the number tattooed on my shoulder, which is to brand me as one of the many experiments the Russians/Americans did on children. Somehow, and very thankfully, I managed to run away, thanks to my weird powers that I’m still not 100% sure, and found myself in the woods, where I stumbled upon this policeman named Hopper who was nice enough to take me in for a while, before getting me to an orphanage and making sure a real family gets to take care of me.

The date of me meeting Jim was January 3rd, a very cold and snowy winter, so from that day on, that has become my birthday. Since I didn’t have a name, he let me stay a few good weeks with him and taught me how to read and write, which was pretty easy, to say the least, and upon reading so many books, I found a name that finally suited my tastes.

“Katrina”

That was 5 years ago, when I was 13, and now I’m at my own little house close to the Byers, I recently found out, living alone with Jim visiting me often, or having the kids have sleepovers at mine from time to time, when I’m not too busy with my studies.

After the incident with the monsters, Will’s disappearance, El and everything, we’ve really bonded, and gotta say, being a Rogue in their DnD party was super fun!

Life hasn’t been easy, that much is sure, isn’t it? Many bad things happened that cannot be changed or unmade, so you have to life with them through the rest of your life.

But things never stay the same, do they…?

Life at highschool ain’t the best, especially not with all these mean girls and boys around, but how I survived 3 years, I can survive one more, right? Also, recently, Will and the gang told us about a new girl coming from California called “Max” who apparently beat all their records as well and from their description, I really wanna meet her. Now, I’m wondering if this is a coincidence or not, but my Sherlockian instincts were tingling, and she may or may not be our new colleague’s little sister. Oh, yes, new colleague… His name is Billy Hargrove and he’s the most intimidating man I’ve ever seen in my life. He is literally radiating masculinity and his eyes make everyone either kneel at his feet or stay away from him, because he won’t take anyone’s shit. In a very short amount of time, he managed to gain the reputation of “Keg King”…I think that was? Beating Steve Harrington at popularity, now being the literal best student at sports (especially basketball), having the most number of uh…Charmed ladies, as a count, and beat up a ton of boys who dared disrespect him. So, uh...FUN!

I could have said that I’ve been pretty lucky so far, seeing that I didn’t have the need to directly interact with Billy so far, but fate was never as you’d expect and the weirdest of changes always happen when you least expect them.

Wednesday morning -

I wake up, eat a bowl of milk and cereal, go to wash my fave, brush my long red hair and look through my clothes.

I choose an over-sized AC/DC Tshirt, light blue boyfriend jeans, a red plaid shirt tied to my waist, round shades, a black hat and black combat boots, take my bag and go to my motorbike that I recently managed to buy and went to high school. Maths went pretty fast by, Chemistry too, but during Biology, we had to make a project for the final grade, which will affect the overall grade by a huge percent, which completely got my attention.

But that wasn’t all.

Mrs. Green insisted on assigning us partners…And I was to do the project with none other than Billy Hargrove, which made me gulp in anxiety and start to slightly scratch at my neck, not daring to look at him…Or anyone, for the matter.

Mrs. Green: Kat, Billy, may I talk to you at the end of the class for a moment? Billy: Sure. Me: Okay…

After this, the class went on as if nothing happened, but I could basically feel the burning and poisonous glares the many girls in my class would throw at me. After all, who wouldn’t want to be partnered up with THE King Billy?

Ha.

Me.

What a fool.

All I did the whole class was to draw on my notebook, habit which I found out managed to calm down my anxieties pretty well, even if I didn’t really pay attention to the teacher…But hey, for someone like me, it’s no big deal. After all the other students left the classroom, I grabbed slowly got up and went in front of Mrs. Green, not managing to look in her eyes, my gaze fixed on the floor as I bit my lip and fiddling with my fingers. Billy, as well, stood just next to me, but he looked extremely laid back.

Mrs.Green: Billy, I am sure you are aware that, despite your pretty good grades, slightly above average, in most subjects, you are somehow failing Biology. So, I wanted to ask you, is it just disinterest, or are you not understanding something? I thought that, compared to Mathematics, Chemistry and Physics, this would be at least a bit easier. Billy: Well, uh…I dunno, I guess I don’t really get it or something. I guess I started with the wrong foot and continued even worse and…Yeah, you get it. Mrs.Green: Kat, dear, I am very sorry to ask this of you, since I know you’re extremely shy, but would it be okay with you if you were to help Billy with Biology? You told me you want to pursue Medicine at University, and so far you’ve been exceeding all expectations at my subject, which is why I paired you two up. Just a bit of tutoring, once in a while, if you both agree. Billy: If it helps with my grades, I don’t see why not. Mrs.Green: Excellent! What do you say, dear? Me: Uh, w-well, I…Uhm…I-I mean, s-sure, but…But a-are you sure I’m the right person for this? I-I mean, as you said, I’m painfully shy…A-And I’m afraid I might be more annoying than useful and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and- Mrs.Green: Dear, Kat, calm down. I’ve seen you help and explain to some of your colleagues before at different subjects and you did an extraordinary job at it! I think you shouldn’t be afraid. Who knows, maybe Billy will be able to help you out with your shyness, since he’s so popular and sociable. Me: *hiding my face* I-I-I w-well, I don’t know what to say… Billy: You can start by saying ‘Yes’ ? Me: Uhm…I guess you’re right. S-Sure, I will tutor you, I am fine with that. J-Just tell me when you don’t understand or if I’m being annoying, I’ll try to stop. Billy: *chuckles* Don’t worry, toots, I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. Mrs.Green: *winks* Think of it as opportunity. It will look very good on your recommendation letter. Me: Y-You mean, you will��? Mrs.Green: *smiles* But of course, dear! How could I possibly not recommend my top student to the best University? It was supposed to be a surprise from me and your Physics and Chemistry teachers, but oops! Busted~. Me: I-I-I can’t thank you enough!! Really, thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me! I am forever grateful for you and your patience and kindness with me! Mrs.Green: *pats my head* Dear, your only fault is worrying too much and enjoying life too little. Take the advice of the bands you listen to so much and you might learn to live a bit. Now, off you go, your next class is about to start! Me: See you tomorrow, Mrs.Green! And thank you so much for everything again! Billy: Good bye, Mrs. G.

Outside of the classroom, I gripped my notebook close to my chest and walk to my locker, but Billy was still following me with a smirk on his face, and then leaned on the locker nearby.

Billy: So, I just got a very hot teacher as a reward for failing the class, the more you know. Me: I…I think it’s more of a punishment. Billy: Why’d you think that, Kitten? Me: Wh-Why did you j-just call me “Kitten” ? Billy: Mrs.G called you “Kat”, so, why not? Me: My name is Katrina, not Kitten, so please call me that. Billy: Fine, fine…Kitten. *winks* Me: *pouts* Guess I can’t convince you… Billy: You give up pretty easily, babe. It’s almost like you like that. Me: *cringes* I-It’s nothing of the sort. I-It’s just…Over the years…I learn that if saying “No” doesn’t work the first time…It won’t work no matter how many times you repeat or struggle…So might as well just get it over with. Billy: *raises an eyebrow* That sounded oddly specific. Me: *eyes widen* Ah, n-no, forget I just said that! S-Sorry, I, uh…I gotta go to Physics, excuse me. Billy: What a coincidence, I have Physics too. Why don’t we talk about the project and my tutoring on the way there? Me: Uhm…If you’re okay with it, I guess okay. Billy: Have any specific topic you wanna do? I kinda have no idea what we’ve studied so far. Care to enlighten me? Me: Well…We started with the Nervous system, followed by the Sensory organs, then Glands, the Locomotor system, Digestive system, Excretory system, Metabolism, some pretty basic Genetics, some plain Environmental things…And…Uhm…Well… Billy: *smirks* You missed out the Reproduction thingy between Excretory and Metabolism on purpose, didn’t you? Me: *gasps* Liar! You said you didn’t know! You tricked me! Billy: *chuckles* I might have. Say, toots, it’s almost like you missed it on purpose. Are you embarrassed? Hey, what about we do the project on tha- Me: NO!!!! Billy: *wide eyed* Whoa, slow down, there, I was only teasin’. Me: *slaps hand on mouth* I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you! Please, don’t be mad. It’s just…I really don’t like it and it makes me feel very…Very bad. Billy: *shrugs* S'okay, I got it, don’t worry, I’m not mad. Jeez, Mrs.G was right, you really do worry too much. Me: Yeah…I’m really sorry, I told you it’d be more of a punishment than anything. I know I can be very annoying without even realising. Billy: Chill, babe, chill. So, when and where shall we meet? Me: Uhm…Tomorrow after class for the project? Billy: I have Basketball training, sorry. Me: Oh, right, you’re in the team. When’s your next match? Billy: In 2 weeks. Wanna come and cheer me? Me: *smiles* If you want me there, sure, I will be there. Billy: Huh, would ya look at that, Kitten has a pretty smile. Ya wanna make me swoon? Me: Ah, n-no, really, I’m not. Billy: You’re melting my heart, babe! Me: S-Sorry! Uhm…How about this Friday? About 5pm? At…Uhm…There’s this pretty cafe in town called “Ma Cherie” and they have amazing tea and sweets. Billy: Friday…Friday…Ah, yeah, sure. Had a date, but- Me: Oh, shoot! Okay, we can find another day so you won’t have to miss it! Billy: *chuckles* Nahh, don’t worry, I’ll just cancel. I’d much rather stay with you than with her. Me: *bites lip* Uhmm…I…Flattered? I think? Billy: Good then, it’s a date, see you then, sweet cheeks! Me: WAIT WHAT?!

I stopped in my tracks but he only laughed and waved at me, jogging ahead in another direction. It was only then that I realised that I was in front of the Physics classroom and he, in fact, had a complete other subject, not Physics.

Smooth bastard…

And so, Wednesday came to an end, Thursday as well, Friday went by unnoticed and then, I had to go full speed to the Animal shelter nearby to help out. They never told me how much to stay, seeing that my schedule was hectic due to College and Uni preps, so I would just come and go whenever I could. Problem is, I lost track of time and when I looked back at the watch again, it said 4:46pm.

F U C K.

I bid the workers farewell and ran to my motorbike, going as far as I could back to Hawkings and at the cafe, getting all the two bags full of books and running into the cafe, and looking at my watch at the same time.

5:13pm.

Kill me please.

Entering the cafe, I nod at the waitress, as I’m a regular here and we’re on friendly terms, and scan for Billy, who was writing something in a notebook. I rush to take the seat opposite, but before I sat down and let the books fall to the ground, I start apologising to Billy a bit too much.

Me: I’M SO SORRY!! I-I really didn’t mean to be late, but it’s entirely my fault and I feel horrible for making you wait for me! Please don’t be mad, I-I’ll make up to you! I’ll pay each time we go out to study, okay? S-So take anything you want a-and I’ll pay! I know it won’t really make a difference bu- Billy: Babe, sit down and breathe. Me: H-Huh? Billy: I’m not mad. I can clearly see you rushed to get here. Lost track or time, huh? What were you doing? Me: Yeah, I know, I’m stupid. I got a watch today so I can make sure I leave at the right time, but I forgot to check it and…I am late. So, uhm…Y'know how I mentioned I want to pursue Vet Medicine at Uni? I work at an animal shelter nearby and it takes sort of…Almost an hour to get here. Well, more like 40 minutes, but I rushed and got here in like 25. It kinda helps to get in at a top Uni…With a scholarship. I couldn’t afford to study at University otherwise, so I gotta do what it takes. Billy: Well, babe, you look pretty hot in you lab coat. I wanna see you like this more often. Me: M-My lab coat…? AH, DAMN, I FORGOT TO TAKE IT OFF! Godamn it! Billy: *chuckles* You’re pretty amusing, doll. Come on, sit down and let’s order. Me: Okay. Leila, dear, could you please come and take our order? Leila: Hey, Kat, rushed again from the shelter I see. Regular? Me: For me, yes. Billy, what would you want? Billy: Just a black coffee, thanks. Me: Are you sure? Billy: Yeah, sure. Me: O-Okay… Leila: Okay, then. A Cherry Vanilla tea with extra cinnamon, a chocolate cake and a black coffee coming right up! Me: Thank you for your time, Lei-Lei! Leila: Any time! Billy: Seems you calmed down a bit. Me: Yeah…This place always manages to sooth down my anxieties. Uhm…I literally only come here every time I want to study. Billy: I’m not surprised. It’s pretty nice, I guess. Me: *smiles* I’m happy that you liked it. Billy: Say, forgot to ask you on Wednesday, but today I see you have a Metallica Tshirt. Are they your boyfriend’s? Me: *blushes* B-Boyfriend? But I don’t have a boyfriend, what do you mean? Billy: You don’t? How come? Me: Why are you surprised, who’d want someone like me? Trust me when I say this, I know what I’m talking about. Billy: But you’re smart and pretty, what’s not to like? Me: Many things. So uhm…These are my Tshirts. 90% of my tops have band imprints. And…Well…AC/DC, Iron Maiden and Metallica are my Top 3 favourite bands. I have all their vinyls and cassettes. Billy: You just keep getting hotter and hotter the more I know you. Me: Hahaha, no, no way that could ever happen. Billy: If I were to give you one of my band Tshirts, would you wear it on our next date? Me: D-Date?! C-Come on, Billy, I’m literally the last person you’d want to date, I can assure you. Billy: What if I prove you otherwise? Me: How do you know you’re my type? Billy: *smirks* Oh~? So I’m out of your league, sweet cheeks? Me: Ah-…! Wait, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I didn’t want to insult or offend you, I’m sorry! Billy: Just teasin’, relax. Me: *pouts* Whatevs… Billy: So, wadya say, dollface? About us? Me: D-Don’t you think we should, like, get to know each other first? Become friends and trust each other and all that? Billy: Awww, toots wants one of those cutesy romance novel relationships, how adorable. Me: *blushes* W-Well…Y-Yeah…I guess…I know I’m asking for too much…And there’s no way in hell that could ever happen to me…S-So…I just…I guess…I kinda gave up on even thinking of dating long ago. Billy: *sighs* Maybe your expectations are too high of people that are too low. People suck, y'know? The world sucks. You’re expecting a happily ever after? Me: If I ever get to be in a relationship, I want it to be that kind of shelter that would be protective from all the chaos and evilness in the world. The only place where you can feel safe and be yourself. And if that Happily Ever After, as you call it, won’t happen with another person as my significant other…Then I’ll be very content with saving animals’ lives and travelling the world at my leisure. Billy: *smirks* Have I ever told you you’re pretty hot when you speak like that? Me: Uhm…Okay, so, I was thinking that maybe we could talk about the Nervous system in our project? Leila: Kat, you don’t need to talk about the Nervous system. You literally ARE a Nervous system. Me: … *laughs* Oh jesus, that was a good one. I won’t forget that…Actually, I might even use it as a joke when I do the presentation! Leila: *winks* Don’t forget the author’s right! Me: Okay, okay! As per my lovely barista friend joked, instead of presenting you the Nervous system, I will introduce myself, for I am, in fact, a Nervous system. Leila: Hey, Billy, was it? Please film her or something, I want to see that part. Billy: Consider it done. Me: I call this a conspiracy! Don’t try to overthrow my reign! Leila: Oh, shut up, nerd. Here’s your tea, honey and cake, and here’s your coffee. Good luck with your project! Me: Thanks, dear! Billy: Okay, that looks and smells pretty good. Me: *smiles* Wanna try? I can give you half of everything, if you want? Billy: Y'sure? Me: *nods* Sure! Do you like your tea sweetened? I usually put a lot of honey in it. Billy: Make it as you like and I’ll drink after. Me: Here, you can eat from my plate as much as you want. I usually drink the tea first anyways. Billy: So generous, toots, you’re melting my heart. Me: Ahem. So, the Nervous system? Billy: I have no idea what that’s all about, but just for the sake of the joke, I will say yes. Me: Cool! I kinda thought of specialising in Neurosurgery after Uni. B-But that’s really very far in the future, so it’s pretty irrelevant. Billy: Teach me your magic, babe, and let’s fuck them up big time.

Pretty excited, I got the books from the bag and handed them to him, showing him the tons of notes, scribblings, ideas, details and so on that I’ve gathered so far, and for the next 4 hours, everything we smoothly, but we had to leave because Leila had to close, and we decided to meet again on Monday at lunch time in the courtyard and study while we eat.

I have to admit, the time spent with Billy was…Well…Really nice. It seemed almost like he was a complete other person, not the scary guy who looked like he would snap at anyone if they even as much as blinked around him. Sure, he was a huge flirt, but it didn’t seem too…Ill-willed, to say the least. I just hope it won’t turn into a crush or something. I absolutely canNOT and will NOT allow myself to catch feelings…Not again…Not after everything that has happened. He is right. There is no Happily Ever After, so why bother?

The weekend passed by very fast as I prepared notes for both the project and some tutoring ideas for the Nervous System, since we had to start with the very beginning of Biology, so after the first 3 classes in the morning, I tried to rush outside, but I got pushed into a locker with a boy that I couldn’t recall the name of, but I knew was pretty popular…Like many others. I think his name was Dennis or something, and he wasn’t alone, but surrounded by 3 cheerleaders, Clarisse, Carol and Christine, or the Triple C as they were called.

Boy: Hey, freak, 'sup? Me: Uhm…Hi. Boy: Didn’t you hear me? SPEAK UP! Me: I-I Said hi! Boy: I SAID SPEAK UP!! Me: HI! Boy: Thaaat’s more like it, you ugly sow. Now, what the hell were you doing around King Billy? What you’re tryina get him to like you with that pity party of yours? Your face implores pity and sympathy, but you’re nothing more than a nerd! Me: W-We have to make a p-project together… Carol: Yeah, right, as if! You have the goo-goo eyes for him! Y'know, just 'cause he likes the bands you claim to like, doesn’t mean he likes YOU! I bet you only like that music 'cause HE likes it! Me: N-No…That’s not true…

By now, my eyes were watering, and Dennis pinned my wrists above my head and started screaming very close to my face. I could feel a panic attack beginning to form at an alarmingly fast rate.

Clarisse: Aww, look at her! What, gonna freak out again and cry? Christine: Pshh, yeah, right. What a stupid crybaby. Never got past the stage of a 10 year old? Dennis: You and your stupid red hair, better stop hanging out with Billy, or else you’re gonna get it. Me: B-But I h-have t-to- Carol: *slaps me* Billy. Is. Mine. Slut!

After she slapped me, everyone around started laughing and belittling me again, but I couldn’t get out of there because Dennis was exponentially stronger than me, so I knew there was no use in even bothering. A booming voice, however, echoed in the hallway, making me flinch at the noise. “SILENCE! What the hell is going on here?!” the deep voice rang out, a funeral silence taking over, only my soft whimpers being heard.

Dennis: STOP CRYING, YOU BITCH! Didn’t you hear our King asked for silence?! Me: S-Sorry… Dennis: And open your eyes when he’s here, stop being so disrespectful for someone clearly superior to you! Come on, now, on your knees, like the little bitch that you are!

Dennis laughed as he put his hand on my throat, squeezing a bit before throwing me to the ground, in front of Billy. I could only tremble on the ground, not daring to move. I learnt it the hard way that getting away always made it worse.

Billy is the most popular guy in the High school, making all the ex-popular guys hang out with him to gain popularity. He has always been the talk of the school, the womanizer, the rebel, the cool guy everyone loved and feared. Despite everything, I expected him to side with his friends…Even if a little part of me wished for him not to.

The silence in the halls was far more excruciatingly painful than the mockings and the laughter, but it soon vanished as a voice darker and lower than before started talking. He was clearly pissed off.

Billy: …What the fuck were you doing here…? Dennis: We were teaching this bitch a lesson, of course! Make her remember her rightful place! Clarisse: No, no, if you were doing that, you’d have thrown her in the trash bin, 'cause that’s what she is! Carol: Hey, Christine, look at her! She’s staying there like she wants to suck King Billy’s dick! What a shameless slut, on her knees in front of everyone! Billy: Did I, even once, ask ANY of you to do anything like this…? Dennis: Well, no, but she’s been rubbing her pathetic germs all over you! Following you like some lost puppy just 'cause you’re popular, and even more! Lying to us! Carol: Ha, yeah! She kept saying she’s dating you and that you already fucked! Pshh, whore! Me: I…Never… Carol: Oh, shut up, nobody cares what you’re saying, get a hint! Billy: Are you 4 fucking out of your GOD DAMN MINDS?! Dennis: Uhm…B-Billy, what’s the matter? Billy: WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU TO DO THAT TO HER?! SHE’S MY PROJECT PARTNER AND MY TUTOR, OF COURSE SHE’S HANGING AROUND WITH ME! You fucking idiots, I’m gonna FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU! All of you stay around me like whores on the sidewalk wanting to get some cheap money, but you’re all good for nothing! Dennis: Come on, Billy, you’re new here, but she’s a freak, okay? I mean, look at her! There are only bad rumours about her and you should hear what her EXes say about her!

Before Dennis could say another word, he was slammed on the locker behind him and choked. I cringed at the sudden noise, but when I saw the outright rage on Billy’s face as he choked Dennis, he drew back one of his arms, wanting to punch him, but I threw myself on his arm.

Me: Billy…Please don’t… Billy: Get back, dollface. This fuckass needs to be taught some discipline the hard way! Me: Billy…Please, I beg of you. Please let him go. Please. Billy: But look at you, they made you cry! I can’t let them get away with this! Me: Billy…Please, for me, please don’t do it. Please stop. Please. Let’s go work on the project. Please. I beg you with all my heart. Billy: *glaring* What the hell is wrong with everyone in this fucking town?! You’re all a bunch of submissive fucktards with no brains at all!

Billy sneered, throwing Dennis away from him and walking down the corridor. I took 3 deep breaths to calm myself, before I ran to him and hugged him tightly from behind, making him freeze in his tracks, extremely tense.

Me: I-I’m very sorry, Billy. I know I only bring you troubles. Even now, I can feel that you hate me touching you like this, but it was the only way I could think of thanking you. And…And…I really appreciate you saving me…And not fighting in my presence. Billy: I really don’t get you. You just stood there, letting them do whatever the hell they wanted with you! There was no struggle, no fight in you! Nothing!

By this point, I let my arms fall down my sides and he turned around to face me, yet my gaze was still on the floor.

Me: You really think I could have gotten out of there? That I could have managed to throw Dennis off of me? Look at me, Billy. My arms are literal noodles, I can’t even punch. Hell, sometimes I struggle to open the water bottle cap. And if I tried to scream…Who do you think would have helped me? Harrington? Wheeler? The lovely Carol and Tina? Or Tommy? The only person who was okay with me in this high school has been Jonathan Byers, but people hate him too, so I can’t possibly make him get bullied more because of me. What would you have me do? It’s been 3 years already…What’s one more? Billy: …You’re so godamn irritating. Me: I know…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for causing you so much trouble. I…I will go tell Mrs. Green to assign you a new project partner and I will continue tutoring you, if you wish, where people won’t have to see us in the same room. Billy: Did I ask you to do that? Me: N-No, but- Billy: But nothing. Shut up and let’s go, you’re supposed to be tutoring me today. Me: I-I know, but we said outside, and if people see you with me- Billy: Then let’s skip. I don’t have Basketball practice today, so I don’t really care. Me: I-I…I never skipped before… Billy: *shrugs* There’s always a first time for everything. C'mon, if you get in trouble, you just say I kidnapped you or somethin’, chill out. Me: A-Are you sure about this…? Billy: Yeah, yeah. Hop along, I’ll drive. Me: Where are we going? Billy: My place. My parents won’t be coming home tonight so nobody to disturb us. Me: Uhm…Well… Billy: I won’t do anything to you, fuck’s sake. Me: W-Well…If you’re sure it’s no problem… Billy: Get in the car, then. Me: B-But my motorbike- Billy: You have a motorbike? Me: Y-Yeah…Couldn’t really afford a car. And it’s pretty neat. Billy: Fuck, babe, you’re so hot. Me: Ah, I-I’m really not. Billy: I’ll get ya to your house and pick you up tomorrow then. C'mon, sweet cheeks, lemme show you my love. Me: Okay, okay.

He winked at me before signaling me with his head to follow him to his car, where he patted the hood very proudly and smirked, leaning on the door. He got inside, starting the ignition, which was a cue for me to get inside too, putting on my seat belt and gripping it tightly.

Billy: How d'ya like it? Me: It’s very pretty. What car is it? Billy: '79 Camaro, Chevrolet. Complete chick magnet, ya get me? Me: It is very nice. Billy: Fancy some music! Me: Oh, yes!

Smirking at me, he put “You shook me all night long” by Scorpions at max volume, making me grin at him in glee and start singing the lyrics of the song, and he followed my lead, making both of us scream like idiots above the music. Then, the perfect Mixtape with AC/DC songs started, featuring “Highway to hell”, “Hells bells”, “You shook me all night long”, “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap” and my favourite, “T.N.T.”, but by the end of it, we already got to his house, which made me pout a bit before laughing and getting out of the car.

Me: Thanks for this, Billy! It was super fun! Nobody I know listens to the same kind of music I do, and being able to sing with someone else was sooo cool! Billy: Next time, try screaming my name, 'cause damn that was sexy as hell. Me: *laughs* Don’t be silly. Billy: *winks* I’m not.

He guided me to his room which was filled with band posters over which I started gushing about as he brought some snacks and soda for us to munch on as we study. I took off my boots before I jumped on the bed criss-crossed as I spread my noted for today’s tutoring, repeating some things myself, so I won’t stutter explaining too much, but before I realised it, he already threw the bags of crisps on the bed over my notes, making me yelp in shock.

Billy: You get scared pretty easily. Me: Y-Yeah, I mean, that was pretty unexpected. Uhm…Let’s clean up a bit, you made a mess of my notes. Oh, bring your notebook, you’ll need it. O-Oh, right, I brought coloured crayons, I wasn’t sure you had…And your sister might have needed them. Billy: How did ya know I had a sister? Me: Well, I kinda guessed. Both you and her transferred from Cali on the same day, at the same time. Billy: Why do you know about little brats? Me: *shrugs* I have a few little friends. They don’t mind that I’m a nerd…'Cause they are too. It’s pretty fun, actually! Billy: *raises eyebrow* Right. So, why’d I need crayons? Me: Drawings, of course! To understand Biology better, one must need tons of schemes and drawings. I already have mine and I will give them to you for as long as you need, but I’d appreciate it if you were to draw them by yourself too, since it will really help you understand and memorise better what you’re about the learn. Billy: Right…Okay, fine. Me: So, if it’s okay with you, should we start talking about Cells? Shapes, roles, the organelles inside it and what they do. Then, we should cover the tissues a bit, before starting to talk particularities, mainly, to explain the Neuron, how reflexes work and why, and then cover the nerves and organs. Billy: *blank look* Good luck. Me: Huh? What do you mean? Billy: It’s gonna be tough getting me to understand this shit. Me: I don’t think so. I have faith in you. Mrs.Green said that all your grades are above average, which is really good! If you manage to get a B at Biology as your final mark, then you have a very strong chance at a scholarship! Billy: How d'ya know that? Me: You are the best at sports, Billy. The teacher always praises you, despite all the…Uhmmm…L-Let’s call it problematic behaviour. I’m sorry. And, uhm…Our highschool has 1 Sports Scholarship, and 1 Studies Scholarship. Billy: And clearly, you’re the one to get the Studies one, right? Me: *blushes* Well…Y-Yes, it seems so. Billy: And how are you so sure I’m the one qualified for the Sports one? Me: Well…I…I spend a lot of time around teachers. It’s kind of a safe haven where nobody can bully me, and I get to find out a few things as well. Billy: Holy shit, you’re such a Vixen~! You, little, naughty vixen! Me: *chuckles* I…I’ve been called Fox before. Billy: And rightfully so. Me: Y-Yeah, carrot hair, I know. Billy: Oh, shush, it’s hot. And damn, looks damn good with your green eyes. Me: *clears throat* N-Nobody said that before. Uhm, s-so! As I was saying, because you’re currently the top choice…That’s actually why Mrs.Green wanted you to pair up with me. She saw potential in you and she didn’t want it wasted. Before you, there was Steve Harrington, but since you came… Billy: Oh, babe, trust me, I’m gonna come very soon if you keep praising me like that. Me: *confused* What do you mean? Billy: You…Didn’t get that? Me: *shakes head* Should I have? Billy: Never mind. So, what am I supposed to do? Me: Basically, get that B in Biology, win at least 3 of your upcoming Basketball matches until the end of the year…And I think it’s settled. Billy: I’d kiss you right now. Me: *scratches the back of my neck* You wouldn’t like it. So, uhm…Is this enough of a motivator for you? Billy: It could be…Okay, babe, work the hell outta me. Me: S-So, I was thinking, if it’s okay with you, that I should give you a test after each chapter we finish. Like a revision. I think it would be nice and it would help you not forget some things, and also, see where you didn’t understand well enough and all that stuff. Billy: What’s the passing grade, teacher? Me: *flustered* D-Don’t call me that, please, I would be a terrible teacher. I think…A 75% should suffice Billy: That’s quite a lot, babe. Me: *smiles* You can do it, Billy. Your future self is going to thank you for your struggles and hard work. Billy: How about a motivator? Me: Isn’t the Scholarship enough? Billy: It is…But Y'know, it’s gon’ be hard. Me: I suppose you’re right…Okay, what do you have in mind? Billy: *smirks* Each time I get a passing grade at your tests…Let me kiss you. Me: *eyes wide* Wh-What?! Billy: Aww, come on, babe, it’s just a kiss and it’s gon’ help motivate me to study hard. Don’t cha wanna help me get that scholarship? Me: *blushes furiously* I-I-I…Wh-Why w-would you want that?! Billy: Because you’re adorable as hell and I like you. Me: L-Like you like all girls? Billy: Who said I liked them? They’re all dumb and want the same thing. Can you guess? Me: *shrugs* Dunno. Billy: Come on, babe, think, you’re smart. Me: I guess? Billy: You’re the smartest babe I’ve ever got the pleasure to meet. All fucktards at school want just one thing, 'cause they’re all shallow brain dead suckers. They aaaaaall just wanna fuck. Me: A-And don’t you do the same? Billy: I do. Me: Th-Then why’d you want me to kiss you? To add me to your list or something? Billy: Nahh, I’d be a real shithead if I were to take advantage of you like that. Me: *mutters* Wouldn’t be the first one… Billy: *raises eyebrow* Do you trust me? Me: Don’t take it personal, I don’t really trust anyone. Billy: Huh. Not bad. Let’s make a deal, toots. I’ll do my best to raise up to your expectations and you’ll give me those little rewards. If by the time we finish everything you won’t be satisfied with how I behave, then you can hate me all your life and I won’t bother you again. Me: B-But I don’t wanna hate you. Billy: *gets closer to my face* Even better. So, wadya say, sweetling? Me: Uhmm…Well…I-I don’t know… Billy: Come on, Kitten, what’s the harm? It’s just a kiss. Me: *blushes* Uhm…Uhmmm…F-Fine…If it will help you… Billy: Thanks, babe! Now, how about I see what to expect~? Me: NO!

With each question, he just kept getting closer and closer to my face, while I leaned backwards, until the last where I got so flustered that I didn’t realise I was completely on the edge of the bed… Until I fell off with a high-pitched squeal and a thud, while he just laughed his ass off looking at me, as I pouted and looked at him done with life.

Me: You could’ve caught me, y'know? Billy: Sorry, toots, I was too shocked to realise. But, shoulda seen your face, t'was hilarious! Priceless! Me: Yes, yes, I’m hilarious, ha-ha! Just wait till you see how hilarious the tests are gonna be! And I’ll laugh in your face like you do right now! Billy: Ohhh, mrrrr, babe, you’re on fire! Fine, you’re on, then! But I’ll show ya it’s gon’ be worth it. Me: You better.

Stretching a bit I get back in bed next to him and putting on my best game-face, I grab the first pages of notes, the drawings and schemes and start explaining him in detail every little thing, telling him to repeat what I said from time to time, to make sure he stays focused, and make him explain what he understood so far, in his own words.

Despite everything, he was actually really great company to have and I’m kinda…Actually, really glad that Mrs.Green made me be his partner for this project, and more, tutor him. If only he could tone down his excessive flirting, he’s surprisingly soft and nice. Or well…That’s what I think. I could also be wrong, like I’ve been so many times before, and I wouldn’t be shocked in the least bit.

But…I really hope I’m not wrong.

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

@klassickb

[sseanight]

Min Yoongi Fics Recommendation

Recent update 200125

[ ❥ ] = Favorite

Kim Namjoon  — Kim Seokjin  — Jung Hoseok  — Park Jimin  — Kim Taehyung  — Jeon Jungkook

[ ❥ ] Does This Makes Sense; smut, drama, angst, romance part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 finale

You meet the mysterious Yoongi at a house party and no matter how uninterested you tell yourself that you are, you can’t say no to him. Can you end up changing his playboy ways, or will you just end up getting hurt?

[ ❥ ] Aguiver; idol!au, smut, angst, fluff part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 finale

Yoongi can’t remember the last time he was able to successfully bring himself to the point of orgasm, then Namjoon gives him a business card advertising ‘Healing Hands’, and that’s where he meets you; pretty and innocent looking, who gets paid to provide hand jobs for a living.

[ ❥ ] Wildest Moments; smut, angst, romance part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 finale

Min Yoongi is forbidden territory. And although you both know better, the two of you just can’t seem to stay apart.

♠  Punch Drunk; boxer! au, smut, angst Min Yoongi talks with his fists, and the only language he knows is one of anger and pain. He’s damaged, untouchable, a boxing underdog with something to prove. You are the sister of Yoongi’s rival - Jeon Jungkook, the number one elite boxer in your prefecture - and as Yoongi soon discovers, you are also his one and only weakness.

[ ❥ ] Playing with Fire; smut, angst, romance part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 finale After breaking up with you, you decide the only way to get back at your -now ex-boyfriend and avoid public humiliation is by making a deal with resident bad boy Min Yoongi: you’ll give him money as long as he pretends to be your new boy.

[ ❥ ] Ink; tattoo artist! au, fluff, angst He’s a tattoo artist, and you’re a student who is working towards getting into your favourite universities. Two very different people, and two parents who think Min Yoongi is nothing more than a bad influence. How will you ever make it work?

♠ Forget Me Not; idol! au, fluff, angst You and Yoongi are in a private relationship. So private, that Yoongi has to deny it. What happens when you can’t take the denying of such strong feelings any more?

♠ I’ll Protect You; angst You and Yoongi were the most unlikely of pairs, which was why you decided to keep your relationship on the down-low for now. Whilst Yoongi and you basically ignore each other during school hours, Yoongi is left in the dark about the struggles you’ve been dealing with whilst he is pretending not to know you.

♠ Too Late to Apologize; angst You were dating for three years and what you wanted most was being able to take care of him. But Yoongi was too busy with his job to realized that he was losing you.

♠ Let You Go; angst part 1 | part 2 finale Having a boyfriend who cares is every girl’s dream. But is it still every girl’s dream when he doesn’t care about you as much as he cares about his friend that he was in love with? No, not really. It was more like a nightmare.

♠ Leaving Her Behind; angst part 1 | part 2 finale He would do nothing but push you away. He would push you away everytime you were too close. He would shut you out everytime you thought that he had opened up for you. He never trusted you enough to let you know him. He didn’t let you know his problems, even if you knew that something was bothering him. Even if you had been together for years and you’ve been beside him through it all, he never saw you as someone he could tell his secrets or his problems to. It was never you, it was always someone else.

♠ Suga Daddy; smut part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 | part 12 | part 13 | part 14 Yoongi gives you an offer you can’t refuse.

♠ Dead Leaves; angst, romance You wants to give up the relationship because you aren’t sure of it anymore so Yoongi does his best to salvage your relation.

♠ In Heaven; angst, romance Can Yoongi turn back the time?

[ ❥ ] Two Faced Lovers; angst, drama part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 finale He leaves her and she starts sleeping around to fill the void.

♠ Heartstrings; angst, drama part 1 | part 2 finale You want to be together but Yoongi thinks he’s not enough.

♠  Remains of April; angst, drama You get into an accident that causes you to forget everything from the past few years and still believe that you and Yoongi are dating but he doesn’t remind you about the break up because he thinks this is his chance to start over.

♠  Safe Haven; angst, drama You came from an abusive relationship and one day you and Yoongi are fighting badly.

[ ❥ ] Tainted Love; demon!au, romance part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 | part 12 | part 13 | part 14 | part 15 | part 16 | part 17 | part 18 | part 19 | part 20 Demons are merciless, demons are ruthless, demons can’t hold nothing dear  to them. Yoongi is the leader, the king of the demon world. He is feared as he is respected, no one expected him to bring a human girl as his lover, you. You fell in love and now you are in the midst of adjusting to the demon world, its custums, and its dangers. But everything is worth it if is for him, the demon king that lives between shadows and that would turn hell apart to protect you.

[ ❥ ] Somebody Else; angst part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | epilogue Your husband found solace in somebody else’s arms.

[ ❥ ] Heart Haunting; angst, romance You’re in love with Min Yoongi. You are sure of this. So why does your past lover still haunt your memories?

[ ❥ ] Destruction of a Muse; underground rapper!au, angst, smut part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 finale You’re in your last year of uni doing literature and lose your motivation, and it’s not till you meet a talented musician you get your ambition back.

[ ❥ ] Same Old Love; angst, smut part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 finale In which your long-term relationship with Yoongi starts to lose it’s spark, and the love of your life grows complacent.

[ ❥ ] To be Without; angst part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 finale Funny how the world can shift in an instant. How you approached your bedroom with excitement only to walk away with a life forever changed.

♠ Self-Control; ceo!au, smut part 1 | part 2 | part 3 It’s harder than Yoongi thought when you keep confront him.

[ ❥ ] Wrong (ft. Kim Namjoon); smut, angst part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 finale You should’ve stayed away. You should’ve fought harder. You should’ve done  anything but fall for the player Min Yoongi. Especially since you were already taken.

[ ❥ ] When War Runs Deep (ft. Jungkook); angst, implied smut, vampire/war!au prologue | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 Min Yoongi knew that the General’s daughter, engaged to Lieutenant Jeon Jungkook, was the one human being he shouldn’t target. His single role during the war was to kill the enemy, and protect the homeland. But what’s forbidden always is the most enticing.

♠ Studio Cuddle; fluff, idol!au Tired from work, you went straight to Genius Lab in the hopes of being able to cuddle with Yoongi. You did not hesitate to press the passcode of his studio, knowing he might get pissed off for interrupting him from his work.

♠ Matched; fluff, idol!au When you tried to offer Yoongi a small present, the anticipated disinterest or rejection to your offer was downplayed by his unexpected proposition.

[ ❥ ] Workaholic; smut Yoongi needs to relax and Hoseok has many tricks up his sleeve to make him. None of them Yoongi thought included hiring a hooker to pay him a visit one stormy night. You were only trying to escape a crazed man chasing you down on a stormy night. Never was your intention to end up in an attractive man’s house. Definitely not one who thought you were a hooker.

♠ Small; angst part 1 | part 2 | part 3 finale He suddenly realized the consequences of his words. His girlfriend must have felt so insecure, so belittled. How could he make his own girlfriend feel like that? She should feel protected, safe when he’s around. Not insecure, and not belittled or small. He was supposed to build her up, like she built him up, but instead he was tearing her down.

♠ Sated (ft. BTS); heavy smut Sin. There’s nothing more.

♠ Moan Wars (ft. Jungkook); smut, a little fluff After being forced to listen to Yoongi and his girlfriend fucking loudly in the room next to his, Jungkook decides that two can play that game.

♠ Doesn’t Define You; fluff In which you fail an exam you worked so hard for and he comforts you.

♠ Hello Paradise, My Name is; greek myth!au, slight angst, smut Buried in the Earth where seasons did not exist, where all prosperous life perished, and Helios’s blinding light could not touch; you slept soundly in the arms of darkness.

♠ Mint; greek myth!au, smut You find yourself back in Hades when Spring turns to Fall, but this time you’re less than thrilled to see your husband after learning of his ex-lover, Minthe.

♠ Aidoneus, My Love; greek myth!au, smut Yoongi believes the mortal, Adonis, has stolen your heart, but he will never share his love with anyone else for as long as he is king of the underworld.

♠ I Don’t Wanna Love You; fluff, angst, smut part 1 | part 2 | part 3 finale Just because he had fallen out of love with you, didn’t mean you had with him.

♠ Gone; angst, fluff part 1 | part 2 | part 3 finale You were young & foolish, he was not.

♠ The End; angst Life is a whole plot twist.

♠ Where Does Your Heart Lie; angst part 1 | part 2 finale Where did his heart lie?

♠ Inevitable End; angst part 1 | part 2 finale Was the foundation of the relationship that weak? After all, he felt that it was a hopeless house of cards.

♠ Service; smut “I can’t believe you brought me here.”

♠ Sex Tape; smut When Yoongi came home with Namjoon holding a camera, you knew he wasn’t joking at all.

♠ Waiting; angst part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 | part 12 | part 13 finale Fourteen. That’s how many nights he has come late.

♠ Gift for You; fluff, angst Yoongi has many sides to him which is what attracted you to him in the first place. He’s been doing a good job as a boyfriend these past few years until on your birthday he doesn’t give you the usual attention you’re used to.

♠ Love or Love; angst part 1 | part 2 finale Yoongi is the love of your life. You thought he felt the same until he pushed you away before you could tell him surprising news that you were pregnant.

[ ❥ ] Like Father, Like Son; parent!au, fluff You let Yoongi take your son to the recording studio to spend time together but when they stay there past his bed time you decide to see what’s take them so long.

♠ Little Angel; angst For the first time in your life you felt hatred toward him. He was the reason why you were lying here.

♠ Unkept Promises; angst “Have you ever, even for a day, even for a moment.. loved me?”

♠ Too Little Too Late; angst “I don’t think I can do this anymore, Yoongi..”

[ ❥ ] Why Am I Not Being Praised Like Them; fluff The title says it all.

♠ Burning Paradise; ceo!au, angst, smut Loving Yoongi was chaos - unpredictable with reason, excruciating with misses and hits from the both of you. But the flames that warms you in the love he provides is your home and no matter how many times you run away, you know you’ll always choose to be with him, burning and aflame, breathing and fully alive.

♠ Fight; dad!au, fluff Yoongi gets into a really idiotic fight with his rebellious teenage daughter due to him being a slightly overprotective father.

♠ The Failed Track (ft. Jung Hoseok); smut As you moan louder the door swings open and Hoseok stands in the door.

[ ❥ ]  3:27 AM; smut, fluff Yoongi wakes up in the middle of the night to your phone ringing like crazy so he checks it and sees it’s your ex. So he answers the phone only to prove that you’re taken.

♠ Everything to Him; drama, romance Your ex wants you back and Yoongi doesn’t know about it.

♠ Milk; hybrid!au, fluff, smut part 1 When trying to deal with your hybrid’s sudden obssesion with milk, you would have never guessed that things would turn out so differently.

♠ The Bonnie to My Clyde; bonnie and clyde!au He saw the darkness in her beauty. She saw the beauty in his darkness.

♠ 3 AM; angst It’s 3 AM and you are crying – great big sobs that shake your entire body as you hold the phone close to your ear to hear his drunken voicemail again and again.

♠ Dream; angst, fluff You had picture the exciting reactions that you would get from him when you tell him that you’re pregnant. But you soon realize that you shouldn’t have get your expectations high because you would only have it crashed down in front of you.

♠ Mirage; angst, fluff “Choose. Is it me or her?”

♠ Ants; fluff, angst Get you a man who makes you feel bigger than the world itself.

♠ Money Shot; porn star!au, smut “Don’t look so put off. Min Yoongi’s indisputably one of the best in the industry. He’s extremely professional and experienced-and handsome to boot. You’ll be in the very best hands. He rarely works with newbies, so consider yourself special.”

♠ Overwork; angst, fluff You tried to help min yoongi take a break from work.

♠ Forgotten; angst, fluff You forgot your anniversary dinner, and yoongi is furious.

♠ Enigma; mafia!au, angst, romance part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 finale After the death of your father leaves you in a lot of a debt to Bangtan - Seoul’s most nefarious crime syndicate - you are offered a way out:  marry Min Yoongi - Bangtan’s most elusive member-  and produce him an heir and your father’s debt will be forgotten.  Without a choice, you are soon tied to a man who you are absolutely terrified of.  But you cannot ignore the part of you that is thrilled by Yoongi.  And what scares you the most isn’t the blood on his hands, or the gun he always carries in his pocket.  It’s the things he’s capable of doing to your heart.

[ ❥ ]  2.1 Out of 5.0; nose dive black mirror!au, angst, smut part 1 You were a 4.9 and he was a 2.1, and that fact alone should have made you realize that the two of you were never meant to be. But as the saying goes, “the heart wants what it wants”.

♠ A Mess (ft. Jeon Jungkook); smut, fluff Maybe it was a good thing you lost that bet to Yoongi. The punishment was cruel, but it lead you to a threesome with him and your crush so… yay for that.

♠ Divorce; angst part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11 | part 12 | part 13 | part 14 | part 15 | part 16 | part 17 finale In which you have to go through a painful process of your own family shattering.

♠ Suddenly, It Was Love (ft. Kim Namjoon); angst + sequel The saying that love is an unexpected visitor was right. you never intentioned of falling in love with the best friend of your boyfriend.

[ ❥ ]  Tied Together; divorce lawyer!au, angst, fluff part 1 | part 2 finale The last thing you needed when you had a demanding daughter and job was a divorce made difficult by your husband. Luckily for you, Min Yoongi—Seoul’s top divorce lawyer—stepped in to save the day. Well, more or less.

♠ All Too Well; idol/make-up artist!au, angst, fluff, smut part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | epilogue You and Yoongi shared a loving relationship with one another until you both agreed to end things and pursue your separate careers. but two years later, Yoongi is a member of the ever growing Bangtan Boys, and you are a new makeup artist for their upcoming tour.

♠ Weary Night; fluff “You know, I never thought that tonight was going to be like this.”

[ ❥ ] Heartbeat (ft. Jeon Jungkook); angst, smut part 1 | part 2 finale You fell in love with a boy who was in love with music, and you weren’t sure if he was capable of loving you the same way. This thought should’ve caused you to move away from him; but, if anything, it just drew you closer.

[ ❥ ] Before I Ever Met You; angst, smut You are no fool to the ways of life. You might be the love of Yoongi’s life now, but there is his whole past—before he met you—to account for. The number of people that traversed in and out of his life carried a significance, and you want to know who they are.

[ ❥ ] Cut Me Open; surgeon!au, fluff, angst preview | part 1 | part 2 finale This job makes great minds. Literally. Each patient that walks through the doors of the hospital into the Neurosurgery ward need to leave with the best service and help the country can offer. But a 300k salary, 1400 hospital workers, and 14-hour work day can’t make a marriage work.

♠ Away From You; angst, fluff part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 Trying to divorce Yoongi might be harder than you thought it’d be. Especially when you’re having a two year old toddler.

[burlybanner]

Full Circle

**

Author Notes - this can be read as a conclusion to Infundo Chronicles but I’ll probably still write more in this universe from time to time. When I set out to write this particular story I didn’t expect it to be the last, but it seemed fitting. Stories and universes can sometimes close on their own and as a writer I can respect that, but I do love this version of Bruce, Tony, and Steve together. So it’s a peaceful place to stop.

I’ll still answer questions about them (and maybe do a little RPing if people want) but for now, I wish them well.

***

Full Circle, an Infundo Fic (Stark Spangled Chubby!Banner)

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 2480

Warnings: None

***

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

C'est payé, balayé, oublié

Je me fous du passé !

--Michel Vaucaire (sung by Edith Piaf)

They respected his right to keep his past tightly-guarded. They also knew he never discussed his adolescence, apart from what they’d already read in public files. And yes, to be fair all three of them had “issues,” but their conversations would end in a Fort Knox lockdown if they nagged him for answers about his past. And somewhere dark in him, Bruce figured Hulk’s creation could’ve stemmed from crushing daddy issues (Brian Banner’s uxoricide and atrocities guaranteed a life of depression and suicidal ideation, too).

The public treated him like a circus sideshow before the Hulk emerged, even since he was a little kid, so yeah Tony and Steve guessed he still had a few unvoiced problems. Yet they never pressed him to talk unless his depression took a sudden dive.

He loved them for that.

“Did you know?” Bruce whispered softly. His low voice trembled in Tony’s ear, causing Tony to grunt and tighten a grip on “his” portion of Bruce’s prodigious paunch. Trailers from the last movie streamed mutely to the sleepy thirds, recommending movies Bruce put on his “to view later” list.

On his left Steve’s snores teased a giggle from Bruce’s throat. He’d gotten much too fat to comfortably view Steve from his side unless he moved his entire body (which he wouldn’t, for fear of waking him), but Bruce could feel the ebb and flow of Steve’s chest with each breath. The noises calmed Bruce and kept him comfortably grounded.

But apart from the grunt, Tony had barely moved. Bruce’s excess body heat had turned their ridiculously wide couch into pockets of therapeutic warmth, perfect for the chilly morn, and Tony refused to shift off of Bruce’s lap. The sectional was nearly as comfortable as their bed but on nights when they ate junk and stayed up late watching quadruple features, everyone elected to sleep on the couch.  

“Shh, Brucie,” Tony slurred. He sighed as Bruce finger combed his hair. “Sleep now, dear. Muse later.”

“Mhm.” Bruce chuckled when Tony snuggled deeper into his stomach, squeezing and fluffing the fat like his own personal pillow. In response Bruce swirled his sausage-thick fingers through Tony’s hair, lulling the engineer back to sleep.

“I saw that very movie in college,” Bruce mumbled once Tony snuffled in his sleep. “Back when I finally won enough scholarship money for my books,  tuition, housing, and a seven-day meal plan.” His fingers methodically and unconsciously tapped Tony’s scalp. “Betty and I argued a lot back then but our arguments waned after we saw that movie. ‘Of course I still love you,’ she’d said, ‘but you’ve got to do something. You look way too much like him.’“

Bruce frowned and gentled his hands in Tony’s hair. If he got too rough Tony’d wake and he didn’t want that. “That’s when I made some tough decisions,” he murmured. “Looking back, I honestly don’t think I wanted to. But I changed anyway. For her.”

Confessing--well half-confessing, since he hoped his words were vague enough so no one would understand him--helped loosen the gut-knot he’d ignored for years.

Go figure.

Bruce ran a hand beneath his glasses, sighing. He really should turn in. The clock on the TV read four-something-am and yeah, it was technically Saturday, but still--

“Wait, what?”

Nuts. Bruce swallowed. “Um...you’re dreaming. Go back to sleep, Tony.”

“Nuh, uh, no. We’re not playing that card.” Tony yawned and rolled up like a cat, propping his elbow behind the couch so he could stare Bruce eye to bloodshot eye. Bruce smiled a little and pulled back one of Tony’s stray hairs to de-emphasize his lover’s bedhead.

“There’s no card. We need get some decent sleep because we stay up too late on weekends as it is. So next time, I say we stick to double features when teaching Steve twentieth century culture. And we start earlier in the day.”

“The eighties rule, and those movies’re Lays potato chips - try to watch just one, I dare you.” Bruce smirked, conceding Tony’s point. “But that’s neither here nor there, big guy. And you’re forgetting that One, I’m a light sleeper. And Two, a genius.”

“A genius at staying up way too late.”

“And a genius at peering through other geniuses smokescreens.”

“Touche.”

“Hey, hey,” Steve grumbled. Bruce shut his eyes, internally groaning. He could verbally spar with Tony to get him off the scent, but not him and Steve.

Steve sniffed and hid a yawn in a curved fist. “What time is it?”

“Between astronomical and civil dawn.”

Steve blinked. “What--?”

“4:30 a.m-ish,” Tony translated. He gave Bruce a hard stare. “And our boy Brucie is playing dumb while attempting to evade my questions.”

Steve looked adorably rumpled and rather childlike the seconds before fully wakening, but his clueless innocence didn’t last long. Bruce sank lower into the couch as concern and anger clouded Steve’s expression.

“Why?”

“I’m thinkin’ it had something to do with the last movie, but he’s not budging.”

“The movie with that really cute guy, with the cute name?”

Tony grinned. “Yeah.”

“C’mon, that had to be a stage name.”

“What, John Candy? Nope. Real name.”

“Son of a gun.”

Bruce hoped they’d continue, or at least leave him alone enough so they’d ignore him. “I’m just tired,” he deflected, yawning for emphasis. “We should table this for another time - really, it’s nothing.”

“No we’re gonna have it out now, because you’re too good at diverting us from the truth.” Bruce rolled his eyes. “Stop it. I know your game, Banner. You might as well ‘fess up.”

Worse, Steve kneaded Bruce’s side like a giant soothing cat, breaking concentration and resolve. “C’mon, muffin,” Steve sang, softly kissing Bruce’s jawline. “No judgments here.”

Bruce exchanged gazes with both of the men. “All right, all right. Fine...but don’t make a giant deal out of this, okay?”

“Promise,” Tony said, and Bruce glared daggers. “I said I wouldn’t! Sheesh.”

Bruce ignored his retort. “Steve...?”

“I’ll try,” Steve mumbled.

Bruce thinned his lips and ran his hands through his hair, hardening his expression. “This is tough for me, okay? So don’t...blow this out of proportion.”

“We won’t, we won’t,” Tony growled. He made the universal, “hurry up” gesture with his hand. “Just spit it out.”

Bruce glowered at his partners once before staring at his hands. “O...kay. Okay. For a year or two in college,” he breathed, mentally preparing himself, “I was...pretty tubby.” His gaze shot up as Steve squeaked, but when he saw delight marching across his lover’s faces he held up a hand. “Ah, no! I told you, don’t make a big deal out of this!”

“Like...how tubby?” Tony asked, and his nefarious grin nearly split his skull. Steve nervously chewed his lips, not daring to make another sound. “Big as you are now? Or--”

Bruce shut his eyes. “I don’t even know why I bother,” he mumbled. Then, “Almost, maybe. Since one of my scholarships provided unlimited cafeteria meals as long as I maintained my honors GPA, I made up for my strict childhood by gobbling up every fried, sugary, and fatty treat I could get my hands on. I took full advantage of the all-you-can-eat buffets on campus including the ones open after midnight, and I was determined to get my money’s worth.”

He quietly fiddled with the hem on his shirt cuff, thankful that his partners kept quiet after his rebuff. “Maybe in one sense I was afraid. Afraid that someone had made a clerical error, and I’d lose my literal meal ticket. I justified the gorging, telling myself the free food was temporary. When you’re poor,” he said, suddenly solemn, “you don’t question ‘free’ or ‘extra.’ You take what you can, when you can.”

The room stilled, and Bruce suddenly heard the quiet background noises of their home; Lily lapping from her water dish, Jarvis’ temperature modulations, the exhales of surprise from his companions.

Time to change the atmosphere.

“In short,” Bruce said lightly, attempting to brighten the mood, “I gained the freshman two fifteen instead of the freshman fifteen.”

“And Betty wasn’t happy about it.”

Bruce shook his head. “I didn’t want to lose her, so I slimmed down until she was happy with me again. And anyway,” he muttered, shifting awkwardly on the couch, “thrift stores didn’t really carry my size and I couldn’t afford anything new. So that ended that.”

“But you liked it,” Steve murmured, his voice caught somewhere between awe and reverence. Bruce wasn’t sure if the awe came from him being 215+ pounds overweight in college or something else. “That’s what it was, wasn’t it? You liked being fat.”

Bruce shifted again. “I...um. Well, honestly? ‘Like’ isn’t a strong enough word. I...ah. I loved it.” He stared at his thick hands, feeling the embarrassment flood him, even now. “It felt great to be that chubby. I felt powerful. I felt in charge of my destiny and in control of my life. I...enjoyed how my mass shifted and jiggled with each footfall. How my steps caused furniture to quake and rattle. How people couldn’t ignore me.” He heard a small squeak, and immediately narrowed his eyes. “Steve. Don’t turn this into something weird.”

“I’m not, I--It’s just, it’s--um...it’s--”

“Nah, you broke him, Pooh Bear.” Tony grinned like a shark and tweaked Bruce’s double chin before sobering. “I could make some quip about the Hulk, but I won’t. And while I’m sorry Betty made you lose your weight class and you went back to fighting featherweight--”

“Lightweight.”

“--whatever weight, it was still wrong of her to force it on you. I like that you liked bein’ a hunky chunky and that you’re finally getting to enjoy it, twenty-plus years later.” He rubbed the back of his neck and got quiet. “Makes me feel less like a creeper, anyway.”

Both Steve and Bruce frowned but only Bruce responded. “A...what? Why?”

Tony paused as an uncharacteristic blush tinted his cheeks. “Hm. Well...I ran my own little tests on you, Banner. My mind loved watching your weight shoot up so I casually recommended some meal ideas to our cooks. I told them to tweak the recipes to keep you large, and in charge.”

Bruce gently reached for Tony’s hand and gave him a gentle peck on the lips. “Thanks for telling me but if I’d minded I would’ve said something.” Tony snorted, looking bashfully at a corner of the room. “Trust me, my taste buds are so heightened that I can tell if there’s extra cream or another additive. It makes my meals extra delicious so I enjoy overeating to savor every bite.”

“Ohhh...” An unconscious moan dropped from Steve’s lips. Tony rolled his eyes even as Bruce grabbed Steve’s hand.

“You’re both ridiculous,” Bruce huffed. “But I love you anyway.” Bruce brought both their hands to his lips, kissing them. “I was destined to blow up. I just had to have the right company and the right motivation.”

“So...you’re not mad?”

Bruce looked pensive. “No, not really. Maybe disappointed you weren’t initially up front with me, but it’s okay. But let me know from here on out.

“In fact,” he sighed again, shifting his belly. He briefly pawed it, smirking at the bounce in his lap. “I think I’m nearing the point where I want to level out.”

“Aw, honest?”

“Steve, don’t be too upset.” A small smile pinked Bruce’s lips. “It was inevitable; you know I can’t keep gaining forever.” He gently rubbed Steve’s hand. “My human body is hitting some hard limits and it’s becoming difficult to move comfortably. I can’t walk too far - and running’s definitely out - but I’d like to be able to at walk around the house without a variety of ambulatory aids, y’know?”

“Yeah, I get it.” Steve pouted, causing Bruce to laugh. “I’ll miss measurement nights, though.”

Bruce winked at him. “I might not want to actively gain but I’m not planning on losing anything. So feel free to keep me in this range, plus or minus ten pounds.”

Steve’s expression brightened. “That I could do.”

“It’s a compromise, I’m sure. But I consider myself fluffy enough for your whims.”

“Stop,” Tony interrupted, laughing at their schmaltz. “No more, I’m done. I’m going to bed.”

“I think we should all turn in. It’s pretty late.”

“Early, you mean.” Steve offered his hand. Bruce took the help, rocking back and forth so the momentum could launch him from the couch’s deep divots. Steve smiled softly. His expression lingered on Bruce’s massive torso and on the button-down shirt with strained seams. “You need some new work shirts, Muffin.”

“Yeah. Maybe later today or tomorrow.”

“Shopping?” Tony yawned grandly and wrapped his arms around Bruce’s sides, though his fingers were more than a foot from connecting. Bruce chuckled as Tony slammed his head into his back, snuggling close. “Shopping’s my second favorite hobby.”

“And your first?”

“You blind, Banner? It’s you. And Steve, in a pinch.”

“In a pinch, huh? Thanks.”

“You two,” Bruce murmured. He motioned Steve over and stilled as both men wrapped around him in a cocoon of arm warmth. “My guys.”

“Always and forever,” Steve mumbled, and Bruce felt Tony nod against his back.

“Sleep now,” Tony said. “It’s chilly, and I need my Bruce-powered bed warmer.”

“You got it.”

They changed into comfortable clothes and tumbled into bed with Bruce between them. Bruce exhaled a loud, contented sigh as both Tony and Steve scooted into his body, cuddling snugly into his fat. He briefly reminiscent about his life, about the beginning of their time as a trio until now, and realized he was happier than he had any right to be. “Love you,” he whispered to them. He smiled after feeling a gentle whump while Lily found her sleep spot, completing their family. 

Bruce mouthed you too to their pup, then settled into his own peaceful slumber.

[noreasontoreadthese]

End of Reality

The day was as nondescript as any had been, or could be. At this point, there wasn’t much Halla could do but watch out the window of her office in the skyscrapers above. The outside world was nothing but a cacophony of angry industrial noise, which brought back memories of the endless birch forests to Halla. Nothing was urgent, not even life or death. Everything would take its time as she stalked between the thousand-strong lines of trees. It was a far cry from the assembly of gods, its angry fights and screams and roars like a pair of bears fighting over territory. The great meeting gong sounded in the distance. There would be time enough for reminiscing later.

Halla shed her human form as she walked into the Great Amphitheatre, becoming much like the bows her handmaidens carried. It felt good to re-assume her true self, to embrace the warrior’s lust and sensual hunt that flowed through her veins like so much blood. Dozens of gods piled into their seats: floating down from the heavens, tunneling up through the ground, or simply appearing as though they had always been there. This, however, did not change the tense air in the Amphitheatre. Fearful whispers murmured through the crowd. This was no ordinary meeting; no shouting match would be had today by two rival gods, no sleepy recitation of changes to the universe, no cheering after a newly written hymnal was placed into the divine songbook. This was no ordinary meeting because the Destroyer stood at the grand podium.

The Destroyer simply looked at his creations with pity. He didn’t want to say this. He didn’t even want to be here. No one did. So when the last god finally hustled into their seat, the Destroyer raised his hand to silence them all. “Children,” He began, “It has been one thousand years since the Creator left this assembly for parts unknown.” Silence. “One thousand years have hewn this world into pieces, unable to be restored, rebirthed, or replenished. Yet in recent days, we have found the Creator.” A great cheer lept into the air, but the Destroyer was solemn enough to yank it from the skies. “The creator has been found, because she is dead. She had gone mortal.” The cheer turned into quiet whispers of fear and isolated weeping. The Destroyer stood. “It is with

great pain that we must perform our final task. We must sing the Song of Suicide.”

With this, the pain of over a thousand years of uncertainty sprang out of the hundreds of gods in attendance. How could you have let this happen? Where was the Creator? Why would we sing such a song? Were you her killer? The Destroyer was silent. He had hundreds of years to process the two losses of his sister, but the gods only had moments to process the loss of their mother, their creations, themselves.

“Dad, do we have any more cookies?”, the red-haired girl asked. “Not that I’m aware. Why don’t you check the meeting room while I talk to Erin?”, her doting stepfather said. Neither of us had anything important to talk about, but my last evaluation recommended that I talk to my boss more often for guidance on projects, so we sat and chatted. Hunting season would begin in a week, and the entire office would be shut down in reverence of the goddess Halla, our employer. I looked forward to pulling out my old 16-gauge again. Suddenly, the almighty trumpet sounded. Everything immediately stopped to heed the words of the gods. A divine proclamation would be given.

The entity on the television screen caused me and my boss to blanche in terror. The Destroyer. His eyes were red with tears, marks down both cheeks, and His lip trembled. Gods didn’t cry. Gods rarely showed any emotion beyond a knowing smile or a stern glower. Time stood still while He stuttered and choked. “My subjects, my children, my warriors and devotees… It is the end,” he finally said. The god’s tears fell anew. “My dear sister, the Creator, has been found dead, delivered to my oblivion by a soul guide. She… she gave up her immortality for the love of another mortal, and now this universe stands to end.” Keening wails and weeping could be heard throughout the office building. The red-haired stepdaughter stood in the doorway, an armful of cookies littering the floor around her. “The Song of Suicide has been sung. You all have until the end of the hour to say your goodbyes. I bid you farewell,” the Destroyer ended.

Dozens of screens, monitors, radios, and phones around us simply fell apart or faded into dust, no longer able to handle the sheer force of divinity that had coursed through them. A window crashed, and then a half-dozen more, their jagged embraces unable to comfort the grieving workers. “Dad, I’m scared,” the red-headed girl said. “I’m scared too, pumpkin,” my boss said back, unable to process any emotion running through him. In a daze, he walked out of the office with his stepdaughter in hand. I sat there for a few more seconds before taking my leave too. I had plants to water at home, not that it mattered much anymore.

The transmission to the world ended. The Destroyer stood up and replaced his tearful mask with a mask of annoyance. Nothing in this world could be annihilated without his direct intervention. Tens of billions of souls, every song and law and edict written into the very pillars of the universe, trillions upon quadrillions of little things and massive ideas to be processed and passed into oblivion. And after everything was done, only he would remain. He’d be alone for a very, very long time. He cracked his knuckles, then destroyed the very concept of cracking knuckles. The Destroyer didn’t feel fear, not anymore, but the thought of having to spend so many eternities alone again gave him a stomachache.

It was about twenty minutes or so to the end of the hour. Unlike the dozen other apocalypses I had lived through in my thirty-or-so years life, there wasn’t any screaming or panicking stampedes or weeping calls to loved ones in the streets. At least, not anymore. The sky had become overcast as a god passed through it, dazed and confused. Nothing really mattered anymore. I walked into a corner store, grabbed a hot cinnamon bun, and walked out, ignoring the display of grey matter that a cashier decided to decorate the alcohol fridge with. I waved to a soul-guide friend who ignored the thousands of souls piling up in various soul-catchers around him. I pet a dog whose owner seemed to have abandoned it in the middle of the street to peruse a local woodchipper. I looked up and saw that it was getting dark, and very cold. The sun had broken down and fallen out of the sky.

Halla stared at the skies, or what was left of them. The grand void beyond the firmament yawned with sleepy victory at her. She tried to get one shot of the bow earlier, one last stab into the heart of a great stag as its soul bled into a cup. It was too late. Knives no longer worked, and the very idea of stringing a bow became utterly impossible, as none of the mechanics that made it work existed. It had seemed far too sudden. Just how long had the Destroyer held this secret from the assembly? Mere moments prior, a handmaiden simply faded into ash as she walked alongside her mistress, nearly causing the entire city block to collapse from Halla’s shock. Halla shook her head. It was odd. All of the fear and anxiety and sorrow she felt had gone. There was nothing to think about, or regret. After all, stags had never existed. Halla had never existed, either.

I reached my apartment as the snow began to fall in earnest. Most types of complex machinery had broken by now, including my doorknob. I would have broken the window, but I simply fell through the wall without stopping. My 16-gauge sat in a corner. I walked past it without another thought. Running water had stopped working, too, meaning I had to scoop out toilet water to water the empty pots of plants with. Emergency lights turned on throughout the building, but most of them flickered and died within seconds. A couple shone on the outside world. I looked outside my bedroom window and watched the snow as it slowed to a float, then to a still image of flakes. A few people decided now was the time to play a ball game of some kind. Dressed as warmly as possible, I watched them hoot and holler as they attempted to force the ball to move in predictable ways. I merely hugged my teddy bear. I was scared, so scared, but yet I could feel nothing but peace in those last snowy moments before the world ended.

[partytwinjess]

Reminding Me [MC x Chris] Also (MC x Zig) and (Becca x Chris)

Prompt: Round 16 of ChoicesCreates –

“Don’t ask me to say I don’t love you.”

Thanks to @hollyashton and @texanhusker for hosting this prompt that encouraged me to write for this wonderful fandom.

Summary: Chris writes a letter to MC after he tells her he isn’t ready for a serious relationship. Incidentally, MC does the same after they break up months later. In the end, there’s nothing but the memory of each other as they both try to move on.

*Author’s Note* This is my very first submission for ChoicesCreates, and this fandom, so please go easy on me. Side note, I blasted Reminding Me by Shawn Hook ft. Vanessa Hudgens, (hence the title), while writing this piece, and I highly recommend listening to it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

 Chris can’t believe his luck.

 He was assigned to five other roommates in his suite and so far none of them seemed like complete psychopaths. In fact, quite the opposite. They’re all actually really cool.

 It doesn’t hurt that the one named MC is insanely hot.

 He can’t take his eyes off her all night. It’s was the very first night that they were all getting to know each other as suitemates while playing Truth or Truth. MC and Chris had run into each other on campus before they even knew that they would be roommates. Then, next thing he knows, he’s staring at this beautiful girl across from him on the rooftop of their new suite. Could the day get any better for him?

 As the night wears on and the questions become more risqué, Kaitlyn turns to MC and asks her, “MC, Truth or Truth?”

 A bubbly laugh escapes her lips followed by a snort. While laughing, she almost falls into Kaitlyn. She’s clearly buzzed. They all are thanks to the boxed wine Kaitlyn bought.

 “Truth!”

 Kaitlyn gives her a sly smile as MC takes another sip from her plastic cup. “If you had to kiss someone on this roof…who would it be?”

 Chris’s mouth goes dry at the question.

 He internally scolds himself for thinking about kissing her as he’s just gotten over a long term relationship this past summer. He shouldn’t be so quick to just move on like that. However, there’s something about MC that attracts him. Her perfect pout. Her piercing eyes. Her smile. Her laugh.

 He chalks it up to the alcohol.

 MC pauses and peers at him from over the top of her red solo cup that she is still drinking. Chris can feel his heart hammering in his chest. Was she really going to say him? He thought it over while glancing at his other roommates. Zach was gay, no question. Tyler clearly seemed interested in Abbie and vice versa. The only other two people it came down to were him and Kaitlyn.

 She sets the cup back down and giggles. She’s killing him with the anticipation.

 “Hmm,” MC looks at everyone up and down playfully until her eyes once again land on his. “Chris.”

 It took everything in him not to shout from the rooftops: ‘Everyone! My roommate chose to kiss me! And did I mention she’s hot? Suck on that!’ However, the smile that spreads across his face can’t be masked.

 Everyone goes silent around them at her answer. The sexual tension between the two of them could be cut with a knife, it was so thick. Tyler and Abbie awkwardly made it clear they were uncomfortable by immediately drinking their drinks and acting like they didn’t hear what they just heard. Zach let’s out a high pitched laugh like he wants to be anywhere else than see his two new roommates eye fucking in front of him. Chis wouldn’t blame him. Kaitlyn seems just a tad bummed out, but otherwise encouraging of her two new friend’s behavior to see how far they’ll take it.

 “My turn,” MC smirks. “Chris. Truth or Truth? Would you want to kiss me back?”

 Chris cannot believe his luck.

 Later, they’re in MC’s room, and clothes are flying everywhere. Her tongue tastes like boxed wine alcohol, and he swears he could get drunk off this girl for the rest of his life.

It’s not until the morning after the seed of doubt is planted in his head. How could they even have a stable relationship when he just got out of one? What about the fact they live together? How could they just have sex after knowing each other less than 24 hours? He hardly knows her!

 As soon as everyone is back in the suite after their first day of classes, he begins to avoid MC. After a day or so of avoiding her, MC clearly has enough, and she corners him on the rooftop of their suite.

 “Do you regret it?” She ends up blurting out. She looks up at him, and he can see how much he’s hurting this girl.

 He looks at the floor. Anywhere but those eyes. “Of course not,” he sighs.

 That was true. He may have been tipsy, borderline drunk, but he remembers how right it felt with her underneath him. How he could picture her under him for the rest of his life. That thought scared him to death, though. This girl is beautiful, smart, and level-headed. How did he even try to match up to that when he was nothing more than a football jock?

 “Then why are you acting like I’m nothing more than a-a,” she pauses, seeming to search for the word. “A one night stand!?” She yells this to him while running a hand through her locks.

 “Just because I don’t regret it, doesn’t mean it should have happened,” he bites back. He can see the tears well up in her eyes at his response and he immediately starts to back pedal. Sighing and squaring up his shoulders, he says, “I just mean…I just got out of a relationship and I really didn’t expect to jump into another.”

 “I’m not asking for your hand in marriage, Chris,” MC scoffs. “Just to get to know each other.”

 He swallows the lump he feels forming in his throat. “I’m not ready,” he repeats.

 “If you keep telling yourself you’re not ready for something, the next thing you know it’s gone, and you’ve missed your chance,” MC whispers and turns around to run back down to the suite.

He meets Becca about a week later at a party. She seems like a pretty cool sorority girl. She’s easy on the eyes too, which doesn’t hurt. She’s super nice to him and invites him to all sorts of crazy sorority parties, leaving him with little time for his suitemates. He doesn’t quite understand why they’re upset over this. It’s a good thing to have other friends in his opinion.

 However, Becca has moved from friends to friends with benefits extremely fast. He can tell it kills MC whenever she sees them together and maybe that’s the real reason he hardly hangs out with his suitemates? The guilt he feels over what happened between them has pushed him away. He doesn’t like thinking too much into things, however.

 “Hey, Becca,” He smiles while setting down some boxed wined and two red solo cups in front of her. It’s been a month now since the events that transpired on the rooftop between him and MC.

 “What is this?” She laughs at him. Her laugh doesn’t quite compare to MC’s but it was cute in its own right, he guessed. Though, this time her laugh took on more of a mocking tone with him.

 “I say we could use a night of fun and maybe a game of Truth or Truth?” He smiles at her.

 She scrunches her nose up at the boxed wine on the counter beside them. “Chris…Sweetie…boxed wine is so not cool!” She takes the boxed wine and throws it out. “Now if you want something really good I have this wine that cost over $200. Also, it’s Truth or Dare and you need a group of people for that.” Chris’s eyebrows shoot up in shock as he watches her toss it in the trash.  “Don’t worry, I can pay you back for that,” Becca says seductively as she goes over to stand in front of him. She pushes her pelvis into his and pulls him down to her level with the collar of his shirt so she can suck on his neck.

 His eyes don’t leave the boxed wine in the trash. He doesn’t know why he bothered. MC and Becca are two completely different people. Why isn’t Becca enough for him?

 His body happily responds to Becca’s advances, but his heart seems to wander back to a certain roommate who had an appetite for boxed wine in solo cups.

Dear MC,

 She keeps reminding me of you.

 The night on the rooftop, and then what happened after that in your room, was one of the best nights of my life.

 I keep trying to recreate it with her. I tried giving her some boxed wine and she threw it out. She thinks Truth or Truth is stupid. I don’t feel anything when I’m with her. All I can think about is your smile and laugh when I’m around her. Call me oblivious, but something is clearly wrong when I try doing that night over again.

 I think we both know what, or rather who, that is.

 What I’m trying to say is…I’m ready, MC. I want to take the plunge with you. I want to be with you.

 You were right. I was scared of screwing things up with you, so I pushed you away. But if you’ll still have me, I’ll do my best to make you the happiest person in this whole universe.

 Yours Truly,

 Chris

 Chris almost let fear win out again, but ends up giving his letter to her at their formal. He and Becca were over. They weren’t ever really together to begin with, but Chris is nothing if not a gentleman. So, he told Becca that it was done between them, in which case Becca became suddenly way less cool towards him. He started understanding where all his suitemates were coming from when they were complaining about Becca.

 MC looks up at him in shock after her eyes scan over the letter. She gives him the smile he’s missed so much and nods her head. He doesn’t give her the chance to even say ‘yes,’ because his lips are on hers the next moment.

 MC was the craziest and most fun relationship he ever had. They jet setted to LA, had sex on a 50-yard line of an empty football stadium, weathered literal snowstorms together, and drank plenty of boxed wine. MC pushed him to be the best possible version of himself. She encouraged him to campaign for student body president and join their friend, James’s, play. He was incredibly happy with her.

 However, all good things must come to an end and he could tell his new workload was killing their relationship. So it ends. Just like that. Leaving him confused, heartbroken, and angry.

The new barista, named Zig, who defended MC’s honor against Sebastian starts to come around a lot more. Popping up at Kaitlyn’s concerts, Madison’s parties, and then before he knows it…he’s hanging around their suite.

 Jealousy burns through his veins because he knows. He can see the looks the two of them share. The gentle caresses that pass between them. How they always go off and disappear together.

  Dear Chris,

 I try every day to forget you. You have no idea how many times I blocked your number, your social media accounts, and even you from my life.

 But…

 He keeps reminding me of how good it was between us.

 I miss all our drunken nights in together. I miss staying up all night with you and having breakfast in bed the next day. I miss the easy conversations between us. I miss dreaming about our future together. I miss the way you used to kiss me.

 I miss you.

 He’s asleep in my bed right now.

 It should be you instead.

 Sincerely,

 MC

It’s Abbie who gives him MC’s letter.

 “Kaitlyn and I encouraged her to write out all her feelings about a month ago,” Abbie explains. “I just- I’m uncomfortable with Zig and I think she was happier with you.”

 When he’s alone in his room he pours over the letter. He doesn’t realize he’s cried until the tears hit the paper.

He finds her the next day reading a book on the rooftop alone. She has a small smile playing on her lips and he can smell her perfume wafting through the air. She smells like coconuts. He’s missed it. More importantly, he’s missed her.

 He walks towards her and clears his throat, keeping her letter hidden behind his back.

 “Chris,” she jumps, setting her book down on her lap. “You scared me. What’s up?”

In Chris’s imagination, he can see himself showing MC’s letter to her and saying, “I read your letter.”

 MC’s brows furrow. “I wrote that a month ago, Chris…I’ve-.”

 “I still have feelings for you and this letter shows you still have feelings for me!”

 “Chris, I’m happier now,” she shouts while standing up to face him. “I’m with someone who actually has time for me. Who doesn’t desert me and make me question if I should still be with him every single day! He’s never disappointed me. Just, please…move on. Stop this,” she says, sounding frustrated.

 Her words sting, but he gathers the strength within himself to tell her what he says next.

 “MC, before you give up on us altogether, I want to remind you of the first time I saw you. You had just run into me on campus and you were wearing a Guns ‘n’ Roses t-shirt. You were so beautiful. I remember thinking that I had to find you later and get to know you better. And then you ended up being my roommate and I thought how lucky could I actually be?…After that, you told me you loved me the night of the formal and I felt so honored to have earned even a shred of your love. Especially considering how I had been treating you and our friends. I knew I had to make sure that I was the absolute best possible man I could be for you. I got too absorbed in trying to do as many things to make myself be more than just some football jock and I forgot all about my main priority. You,” he takes a step toward her in which case she takes a step back. He thinks he can hear his heart break.

 “Please, don’t-,” she cries, tears falling from her face, but he interrupts her.

 “Please don’t make me say I don’t love you, because I do, MC. I’m crazy in love with you and I’m here begging for you back.” Her tears are still falling down her face and she gives a slight shake of her head to mean ‘no.’ She takes another step back. His own tears well up in his eyes knowing that he just lost the love of his life. He lost her. It was over for him. “But I guess…I guess if I love you, I should let you move on.”

 He imagines himself placing the letter on the table next to her and going back downstairs to the suite. The whole time he’s walking away from her he thinks how naive he was to actually believe that he could even keep a girl like her to begin with.

He’s jolted back to the present when MC speaks. “Chris?”

 MC is still sitting down before him with the book in her lap. “What is it, Chris?” She repeats while eyeing him quizzically.

 “Uhhh…” He looks down to brace himself, and then, with a straight face, says, “I know our break up was tough.” She frowns but he continues on. “But I wanted to say I’m really happy that you’re happy now, and I hope we can still be friends.”

On the word “friends” he crumples up the letter behind his back.

 She gives him a bright smile, sets the book down beside herself, stands up, and then hugs him.

 “Of course,” she whispers.

 “Of course,” he whispers in response, rubbing her back up and down.

 He wonders if he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to decide if he made the right choice about not showing her the letter.

[forever-dreaming-cullen]

My Giant List of Fic Recs

I love reading fan fiction because it gives me more of my favorite characters and extends their stories, sometimes giving alternate glimpses of their personalities and ways of looking at them.  And, yes, I write fan fiction, too, although I don’t think I am anywhere near as good as my favorite authors.

Anyway, I would like to thank all of the wonderful people who create the stories that keep my up late at night reading when I should be sleeping. You are awesome! Even if your fic is not on this list, please know that you are still wonderful, and my thanks go out to you, as well.

The following is a list of my favorite fics, in no particular order.

Breaking the Divide (Remastered) by Fatally_Procrastinating (@fatally-procrastinating) : A slow burn Cullen/Female Trevelyan mage Inquisitor romance that runs through the events of the game and the moments in between.  It does stray from canon in that other DA characters are present that were not in Inquisition, but Cullen remains his adorable awkward self. I’m not sure if the author is still updating, as it’s been a while since the last update.

(Violet) by Lumidee:  (@lumidee-mahariel) A very non-canon look at Cullen’s life starting from when he joined the Order, through his time at Kinloch Hold, Greenfell, Kirkwall, Haven, and Skyhold. This fic includes graphic portrayals of rape and torture, so it is not for the faint of heart, and the Cullen that comes out of it is a very dark Cullen, indeed. However, as rough and beastly as he is portrayed, you can’t help but feel his pain.  Complete.

Nothing Else Matters by Lumidee (@lumidee-mahariel): A non-canon romance between Cullen and an elf-blooded non-Inquisitor OC, Hailey Trevelyan, this story features the same Cullen as in Violet, but with some differences, so this Cullen is dark, hard, and very sexual. This story is still in its early stages, but it had me hooked at Chapter one!

Desire and Temptation by 0102and03 (@ekoorb03): Two companion fics about a Commander and Inquisitor who are often at each other’s throats coming under the spell of a love…err…desire potion crafted by our favorite Tevinter mage and administered rather inexpertly by that loveable elf-prankster Sera. Sexy times are had, lots of sexy times and the Commander may or may not have come in his pants! Complete

The Scars We Hide by 0102and03 (@ekoorb03): A slow burn Cullen/Female Trevelyan Mage Inquisitor romance with non-canon elements, OCs, and plot twists galore. It features a broken Cullen and broken Trevelyan, too, as they struggle to overcome their issues and find each other. Still ongoing with regular updates.

This Feels Like We’re Falling in Love by commander_cullywully: A modern AU starring Cullen and a Gwen Trevelyan as college students. It’s a very cute romance featuring the awkward Cullen we all know and love, but in a college setting. Still ongoing, updated last in January of 2017.

Only Make Believe by blustersquall (@blustersquall): A modern AU romance in which  Nevena Trevelyan hires Cullen to pretend to be her boyfriend during her visit with her family over Christmas. Nevena’s family is a piece of work and secrets surround Nevena’s relationship with her ex, and Cullen is confident yet sweet and kind. Ongoing.

Serendipity by lylalavellan (@lylalavellan) A modern AU featuring Lyla Lavellan, a college student who lives in a house with Dorian, Cassandra, and Sera and works at the local pub with Cullen, who is a college drop-out due to health reasons. Cullen is in love with Lyla and but Lyla is in a relationship with Solas, who is an abusive asshat. Ongoing.

The Knight of Hampstead and its sequel, The Savior of Skyhold by stargirl428  In The Knight of Hampstead, Cullen gets transported from Thedas to modern-day London, where he is discovered by a group of roommates who figure out who he is and attempt to help him get back to Thedas. In the meantime, Cullen and the female protagonist Rose, end up falling in love. Their story continues in The Savior of Skyhold, in which Cullen takes Rose back to Thedas with him. Masterfully written, these stories meld Theodosian lore with the modern world in a seamless and believable way. The Knight of Hampstead is complete, The Savior of Skyhold is ongoing.

The Knight of Comic-Con by LasairTrevelyan : To be read at the same time as The Knight of Hampstead, Cullen attends Comic-Con with hilarious results. Complete.

Carl Hates You, Jim by HarbingerofWhimsy (@harbinger-of-whimsy) : A hilarious take on the famous Desk Scene through the eyes of a very unlucky guard named Carl. Carl is tasked with guarding the Commander’s door while Cullen is getting it on with Quizzy. Jim happens along and gets poor Carl in trouble with a very angry Commander. You need to read this story. It had me on the floor laughing it’s so funny! Complete.

A Cullenite’s Guide: How to be Inquisitor by Lourdes23 : Two girls unexpectedly bring Cullen to modern day Chicago by modding Dragon Age: Inquisition. Now they have to try and get him back to Thedas. Will one of them be able to keep herself from falling in love with him? This story has plot twists and a very unexpected ending with plenty of romance, too. (and some smut). Complete.

Learning Curve by bendy_quill: An exploration of the sexual aspects of the Cullen/Female Inquisitor relationship, in which Cullen apparently wants the Inquisitor to use his back door, but so far has been unable to get her to understand. Lots of exquisite sex scenes, including one with Cullen solo using a butt plug on himself. Very very hot, and a must read if you like steamy Cullen action. Ongoing, possibly abandoned as it hasn’t been updated in a while.

Seen by DrennTrev: This is an AU where Cullen is a southern cop, and his girl is a stripper. This is an unusual fic, because its characterizations are completely unique,.Read this if you want a completely different Cullen who sounds like a southern boy, but is still cute in all the important Cullen-ways.  It’s got 10 chapters, but may be abandoned as the author hasn’t updated in a while.

The Real World: Skyhold by ArchangelEquinox: A modern AU that puts all of the Dragon Age; Inquisition characters in a Real World-style reality show. Some characters from earlier DA games make an appearance, and it’s got a nice slow burn romance between Cullen and a female Trevelyan. Still ongoing, but possibly abandoned as it has not been updated in a while. I really hope the author continues, because I want to know what happens!

A Compromising Position by Seabirdsong (@seabirdsong ): Sera plays a prank on Cullen and Alistair by spiking their ales with an aphrodisiac that makes them really horny. Not wanting to inflict himself on the women of Skyhold, Cullen goes to Alistair’s room to see if he is feeling the effects as well. Of course, he is, and the two men decide to use each other to burn off their sexual desire. Very hot and very steamy male on male action. Plus it’s two handsome ex-templars going at it, how can you go wrong? Complete.

Letters from Orlais by Kauri (@kauriart): A steamy romp featuring our awkward Commander and his Trevelyan Inquisitor in which Cullen receives…letters from the Orlesian nobles he met at the Empress’ ball. The letters are, shall we say, graphic, and poor Cullen can’t help by being turned on by them, very turned on. He and Trev act out the letters and have some very very hot sex. This is so good, I can’t recommend it enough. On-going.

Midnight at Skyhold by LadyDanya @ladydanya: Cullen thinks the Inquisitor is too good for him, but when he hears about the Inquisitor’s fascination with one of Varric’s stories about a mysterious and anonymous lover who steals into a lady’s bedroom at night, he just has to make the Inquisitor’s fantasies come true. This story is full of awkward Cullen feels as his guilt wars with his desire for his Inquisitor. Ongoing,

All I Ask of You by Khirsah  @khirsahle: Josephine is throwing a masked ball, Orlesian-style at Skyhold. The Commander is none-to-pleased until Dorian convinces him to attend in disguise. There, he meets a mysterious young woman, and it’s love at first sight. I love this story so much! Cullen’s characterization is spot-on, and it’s a delight to read! Ongoing

Would You Have Me Beg? by bushviper @bushvipertoo : This story is both sexy and funny, featuring a confident Cullen and an awkward completely virginal Trevelyan Inquisitor. Evelyn hasn’t even kissed a man before Cullen, and she thinks that he would be better off with someone more experienced, so she breaks up with him, only to change her mind.after she realizes her mistake. Cullen takes her back, but only on one condition: she has to stay with him in his tower for five nights. A must read. Complete.

Least Likely To Succeed by bushviper @bushvipertoo: The story of a Circle mage and an ex-Templar through the events of the Inquisition. Cullen is his uptight self with a bit more humor, and Evelyn is a bit too light-hearted for our dear Commander’s comfort. I love the author’s characterizations of Cullen and Evelyn, and I’m waiting on tenterhooks for updates! Ongoing.

Claimed by cjulina : This story starts in Kirkwall during the period between the events of Dragon Age 2 and Inquisition. Cullen is the acting Knight-Commander of Kirkwall’s Templars and while on a mission, he and his men come across a mage hiding in the woods. That mage is Evelyn Trevelyan of the Ostwick Circle. The twist is that the Chantry has decreed that mages can be “Claimed” by a Templar and subject to his will. Unwillingly, Cullen claims her to protect her. A very interesting take on the Dragon Age universe and on Cullen himself and his relationship with Evelyn. Ongoing.

Wow. I’ve made a huge list of fics, and I honestly could go on and on, but I think I need to end this here. It’s so hard to make these lists because there is so much talent in the Dragon Age fandom. I love all of the writers who share their stories with the fandom. You extend the universe and give us more of our favorite characters to love. Thank you so much!

[tanista]

...And that's that, save for final editing tweaks here and there.

Over 240,000 words, 36 chapters, 26 months start to finish.

I did it.

Wow.

I'm feeling kinda giddy. Or maybe I just need lunch.

(What follows is essentially the Author's Afterward in the next chapter from the posted story, but the sentiment still applies here.)

To the readers who have made it this far you have my most sincere thanks for indulging me in this OC-inclusive, canon-divergent, three-way crossover AU. This has truly been a labor of love, for the fantastic shows and their inspiring settings and characters that have been a part of my life for so long, as well as the entire sci-fi genre, both literary and on screen. The best thing about the Stargate fandom is the extensive scope of the series, and how it can allow for so many different approaches in an entertaining mashup of ancient mythology and science fiction, served with intelligence, humor, and heart. I hope that I've been able to convey some of that in my own fashion and allowed it to lighten your own lives.

Have you ever had inspiration come to you in a dream? The idea for the whole story's been in my mind as bits and pieces for the past twenty years (!!) and I'm glad I finally had the time, drive and wherewithal to start translating the images in my mind into words. And that I felt free enough to go as big and epic as it played out in my imagination. I'm also glad it's taken me this long to do so, since I'm not sure I would've been able to write the same story without the maturity and added experience that comes from just plain living.

To be honest I never expected my modest AU would turn out to be so big a project. The story's been my lifeline to sanity in these very trying times for our world, as I suspect writing and reading fanfic has been for you, dear readers. Long live fan fiction and all who enjoy it!

This is the end of this story, but not of the AU. There's plenty of room for more adventures, multichapters, one-shots and vignettes alike. And not only by myself.

I'm opening it up to anyone who wishes to play in my sandbox if inspired. Additions, remixes or creations of any kind are welcome, so long as due credit is given. Have fun, give a nod in my direction (or an "Inspired by" link on AO3), and please let me know in the comments there what you've done. Any point in the timeline listed is fair game so feel free to expand upon anything- John and Rodney's relationship in Alpha Base and Atlantis, Sam and Jack's or Mac and Janet's- even future fics are welcome featuring the next generation(s). In fact, any of my original characters listed in Ch. 2 of Timeline and Who's Who in Ad Astra and original concepts in A Linguist's Guide to New Earth can be used, with credit of course. Or add your own, the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned!

If there's interest I'll create a collection on AO3 called Stargate: The New Earth Chronicles and open it to any rating or pairing- or crossover, if you think it can fit. All I ask is to keep it in the same optimistic spirit of soft apocalypse with a glimmer of hope, because now more than ever we need those happy endings.

Okay, time for me to give credit where it's rightfully due.

None of this would've come to pass in the first place if not for a certain actor and the two leading roles he portrayed so brilliantly. So thanks first and foremost to Richard Dean Anderson for introducing me to the original Angus MacGyver and later on Jack (Two L's) O'Neill, sides of the same coin as far as I'm concerned. The inspiration for my OC Rebecca Grahme came out of a desire to give both of them more family, and a concrete reason for doing what they do.

Thanks also to Michael Shanks for his version of Daniel Jackson, the first character on TV I could truly relate to, and proof that even glasses-wearing geeks (like myself) can be heroes. Indeed (to quote Teal'c) my admiration for everyone in both series- cast and crew alike- knows no bounds, for bringing to life a truly epic universe and giving it heart and wit, adventure and excitement. They are the reason why I'm still a fan after all these years.

I carry a warm fondness in my heart for the original MacGyver and the invaluable lessons he taught me about applied nonviolence, seeking creative solutions to problems and the willingness to do the right thing and stand up for others in the face of overwhelming odds. Those are values I still admire and try to emulate even today.

Many thanks goes to Sourlander and her excellent Loyalties series, for letting me incorporate Dr. Alex Lorne and her children Nora, Grace and Caleb into my 'verse. More adventures with Evan and Alex and family are welcome from you anytime.

As stated earlier this epic story is a love letter to the sci-fi genre I've been reading all my life, which taught me to think big when it comes to worldbuilding. Story inspiration comes from far and wide, particularly tales of space colonies both failed and successful, accidental and planned: Marion Zimmer Bradley's Darkover Landfall, Anne McCaffrey's Dragonsdawn, Jack L. Chalker's The Birth of Flux & Anchor, and the anthology Star Colonies (Martin H. Greenburg and John Heffers, eds.). Ursula LeGuin's Ekumen in her Hainish Cycle series is the model for the Stargate Commonwealth. Other elements come from the Cyteen trilogy by C.J. Cherryh (council government) and the alternate history anthologies What Might Have Been Vol. I & II, edited by Gregory Benford and Martin H. Greenburg (Ascended Daniel and Oma Desala's discussion).

Inspiration for elements of Atlantis Colony in particular comes from some incredible SGA fanworks on AO3: Speranza's Written by the Victors, LtLJ's Retrograde and Retrograde Extras series, ArwenLune's Rock Happy 'verse and Atlantis Program for Essential Skills Training, Three Fates by auburn and eretria, Wild Card by GillianInOz, Domenika Marzione (domarzione)'s version of Atlantis with its extensive cast of OCs, and The Body Holographic by Leah (Taste_is_Sweet) and springwoof. All are absolutely fabulous and mind-blowing, I cannot recommend them enough.

Once again my profound thanks to you, dear readers, for taking a chance on this modest AU. I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I did writing it. Feedback is greatly appreciated, and will always be. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Peace to you all. May we treat each other kindly and with respect, and strive together to create a better future for everyone's sake.

Take care,

Tanista

April 2019-June 2021

[truemedian]

Dear Apple: don’t let a trackpad turn the iPad into a Mac

Good morning and congratulations on making it through another week. I had been planning on writing about some of the issues I had while writing my Samsung Galaxy S20 Ultra review — specifically my bafflement that Samsung is once again asking reviewers like me to be beta testers. It’s inconceivable that the company didn’t realize there were issues with the camera and also very strange that it didn’t so much as hint at a software update to me until the day before yesterday. I’ll say it again: never buy anything on the hope that future software updates will fix it. Wait. But we covered it pretty well in The Vergecast coming out later today, so please give it a listen. Instead, to the surprise of absolutely nobody given my obsession with how companies are trying to get big-screen computers beyond the UX paradigms of the 1980s and 90s, I’m interested in an iPad rumor about a keyboard. The news is simply that Apple is reportedly releasing an iPad keyboard with a trackpad later this year. It’s a good scoop from The Information. A good piece to read next is about something Jason Snell noticed in the iOS beta released earlier this month: better support for keyboard functions like modifier keys. A third thing to note is that Apple software boss Craig Federighi said, “If you like what you’ve seen us do with iPadOS, stay tuned, we’re going to keep working on it.” If you’re wondering when this might happen, the Apple-o-sphere has all been working on the belief that Apple will be holding a Spring hardware announcement. There are too many rumored products to fit into one event, but a new iPad Pro and a new keyboard for it would definitely make the cut. Given all the recent tech event cancellations due to the coronavirus, however, Apple might be rethinking its plans right now. In any case, I have many thoughts about the iPad — which you might have guessed since I’ve been writing about the iPad’s evolution as a computer so often over the past few years. I would love to speculate on the physical shape and design of the keyboard, but I think that’s better left until later, when we have a better idea of what it might look like. Instead, I just want to point out that the iPad is an OS that is currently hostile to mouse input. I don’t mean that as a criticism, but I do think it’s just stating facts. I know there are people who have enabled the “AssistiveTouch” mouse feature, but what it mainly does is let you emulate your finger taps with a mouse. That means it’s not actually all that helpful with two things that mice excel at: tapping tiny UI buttons and working with text. I’m on record as thinking that Apple’s recent attempts to improve text manipulation like selecting, copying, pasting, and even cursor placement are not very good. And since AssistiveTouch currently only supports acting like a finger, it doesn’t help. I bring this up because I have a radical idea: what if the only thing trackpad support brings to the iPad is better text manipulation? I actually think that is the right move for Apple, at least to start. With the new iPadOS last year, Apple was incredibly ambitious. It added all sorts of new ideas and interaction models to the UI, some of which were confusing. In my original review, I gave Apple credit for finally allowing the iPad to become complicated and I stand by that. But I also believe that it’s not intuitive because its features can’t be progressively learned over time — you basically have to watch or read tutorials, which is incredibly un-Apple-like. I bring all this up because right now the iPad has a lot going on with its overall user interface and I sort of feel that the last thing Apple should do is add yet another variable to the mix. Unless Apple is planning its second major re-think of how we interact with the iPad in two years, it’s just too much of a burden to put on users. Because, as I’ve said before, using a mouse is fundamentally a weird thing to do — it’s actually a level of abstraction beyond just touching the display. It only feels “intuitive” because so many of us learned to use one first, and because “desktop” operating systems do such a good job of progressively teaching you new skills as you use them. They’re consistent and learnable in a way the iPad’s more advanced features simply aren’t. I don’t want Apple to fall back on the crutch of just using desktop OS paradigms to solve the iPad’s user interface intuitiveness problem. The last thing we should want is for the iPad to turn into a Mac. It’s on a different path and it would be a shame to have those ideas tossed out the window just so we can have more traditional windows on the iPad. But I’m not anti-trackpad. I do think it would be a huge help for text selection and it would allow some app developers to create smaller touch targets on their apps. Plus, and this may be anathema to some, the iPad makes a lot of use of right-click style actions now (just long press to see them), and a trackpad could help with that too. If you haven’t done so in awhile, go on and watch Steve Jobs’ seminal iPhone introduction. Pay special attention to how he talks about styluses and fingers. It’s easy to forget now, but the iPhone was a radical reinvention of user interfaces compared to what most people had used. Only a tiny sliver of apps on smartphones were designed to be used with a finger — shout out to SnapperMail, my favorite email app for the Treo and the subject of a wonderful 2003 Walt Mossberg review. None of the smartphone operating systems before the iPhone were optimized for fingers, though. They all required a stylus or physical buttons to get around. The iPhone UI was revolutionary because it just had one button — the home button — and it was designed from the ground-up to be touched. The iPad continued that legacy, just on a big screen. Adding a trackpad to that seems like a good idea, but I dearly hope it doesn’t take away from all the benefits we get from a purely touchscreen interface. We already have the Mac, the iPad doesn’t need to turn into one too.

Coronavirus

┏ Facebook cancels F8 developer conference due to coronavirus concerns. ┏ Plague Inc. pulled from the App Store in China amid coronavirus outbreak. In late January, Plague Inc. saw a resurgence in downloads in China and became the country’s top paid iOS game. In response, Ndemic Creations released a statement reminding players that Plague Inc., while it was designed to be realistic and informative about how diseases spread, is just a game. It’s currently the top paid game in the US App Store. “We would always recommend that players get their information directly from local and global health authorities,” the company said in January. ┏ Tim Cook says Apple is reopening factories as China gets ‘coronavirus under control’. ┏ Health secretary Alex Azar won’t promise that a coronavirus vaccine would be affordable. ┏ Coronavirus merch is somehow worse than I expected.

More from The Verge

┏ Samsung Galaxy S20 Ultra review: shutter bug. Here’s my review. I hope Samsung bucks the trend of camera software updates usually not improving things. Samsung called this phone the S20 instead of the S11 to indicate that it is the first of a new generation, and that might be too revealing. As impressive as the overall phone is, the camera often acts like a first-gen tech product with first-gen tech problems. ┏ Robots aren’t taking our jobs — they’re becoming our bosses. Important, deep piece from Josh Dzieza. Well written and empathetic. Think of all the tiny moments of downtime you have during the day, the time where you’re just with yourself for a minute. AI tracking of workers is taking that away. An Amazon worker in the Midwest described a bleak vision of the future. “We could have algorithms connected to technology that’s directly on our bodies controlling how we work,” he said. “Right now, the algorithm is telling a manager to yell at us. In the future, the algorithm could be telling a shock collar—” I laughed, and he quickly said he was only partly joking. After all, Amazon has patented tracking wristbands that vibrate to direct workers, and Walmart is testing harnesses that monitor the motions of its warehouse staff ┏ It’s hard to care about other people’s feelings online. I love this essay from Bijan Stephen. Acting with empathy on platforms that reward snark is hard and you often end up looking painfully earnest. But do it anyway. ┏ Vivo’s Apex 2020 concept has breakthrough cameras and an ultra-curved screen. As Sam Byford notes, this phone was supposed to be shown at Mobile World Congress. Hopefully Vivo seeds it to some people to play around with even though it’s never going to get released, because I would love to see the results of some independent tests of a proper optical zoom lens on a phone: The Apex 2020’s telephoto lens, however, has actual moving lens elements that take it from 5x to 7.5x magnification. Vivo says the 16-megapixel module is just 6.2mm thick due to its periscope design, which allows it to fit inside the 8.8mm-thick phone. ┏ Uber tweaks its app to improve those pesky pickups. This is a very smart idea, though it does mean that drivers’ phones will have their microphones turned on. If I were Uber, I would get an independent auditor to go through the code every now and then to verify that the only thing the microphone is doing is listening for the ultrasound. Uber is also developing a new technology that uses ultrasound waves to automatically verify you’re in the right car, no PIN needed. The rider’s phone will send this ultrasonic signal to the driver’s phone to automatically verify the unique PIN. The company has said that technology should be ready to roll before the end of 2019. ┏ Clearview AI’s client list includes 2,200 organizations spanning law enforcement to universities. ┏ Peloton settles lawsuits over songs being used in fitness videos without permission. ┏ AT&T, Sprint, Verizon, and T-Mobile will be fined more than $200 million for selling customer locations, per report. Read More Read the full article

[ashleysalanitri]

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

1: My name? Ashley 2: Do I have any nicknames? Ashknee 3: Zodiac sign? Pisces 4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? Grand Theft Auto 5 5: Book/series I reread? Dear John 6: Aliens or ghosts? Ghosts 7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? Nicholas Sparks 8: Favourite radio station? God I haven't listened to the radio in years 9: Favourite flavour of anything? Caramel 10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? Amazing 11: Favourite song? Right now it's Shape of You by Ed Sheeran 12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? I don't have a specific question I go around asking new people 13: Favourite word? Fuck 14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? Eh 15: Last song I listened to? Go to question 11 16: TV show I always recommend? Scream Tv Series but right now I'm telling everyone about Riverdale 17: Pirates or ninjas? Pirates 18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? Annie or The Wizard of Oz 19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? That's The Way It Is by Celine Dion 20: Favourite video games? Grand Theft Auto 21: What am I most afraid of? Death 22: A good quality of mine? I'm reliable 23: A bad quality of mine? I'm very honest 24: Cats or dogs? I have 5000 cats so I'm obligated to say cats but I'd be down for a dog too 25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they're in? Leo DiCaprio or Tom Hanks 26: Favourite season? Spring 27: Am I in a relationship? Yeah right 28: Something I miss? Not being an adult 29: My best friend? Rebecca 30: Eye colour? Brown 31: Hair colour? Naturally it's brown but right now I have a ombré going on 32: Someone I love? My grandma 33: Someone I trust? Colleen 34: Someone I always think about? James 35: Am I excited about anything? Going to Mexico next year 36: My current obsession? Parenthood (the show) 37: Favourite TV shows as a child? Fresh Prince 38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? Michael 39: Am I superstitious? Eh 40: What do I think about most? Life 41: Do I have any strange phobias? Eyes 42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? In front of lmao 43: Favourite hobbies? Reading 44: Last book I read? Milk and Honey 45: Last film I watched? Big Daddy 46: Do I play any instruments? I can kinda play the piano 47: Favourite animal? Koalas, turtles or elephants 48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? None 49: Superpower I wish I could have? Time travel 50: How do I destress? Sleep 51: Do I like confrontation? Not really 52: When do I feel most at peace? When I'm relaxing in my room listening to music 53: What makes me smile? Willow 54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? Off 55: Play any sports? Lol 56: What is my song of the week? Shape of you 57: Favourite drink? Lemonade 58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? Probably the second grade 59: Afraid of heights? Depends how high 60: Pet peeve? Slow walkers 61: What was the last concert I went to see? Backstreet Boys 62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? No 63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? A writer or a dancer 64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? Yes many 65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? Oz 66: Something I worry about? My future 67: Scared of the dark? No 68: Who are my best friends? Rebecca and Colleen 69: What do I admire most about others? Their passions 70: Can I sing? Sometimes 71: Something I wish I could do? Travel 72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? Buy my mom a new car 73: Have I ever skipped school? Yes 74: Favourite place on the planet? Beaches or anything that has to do with nature 75: Where do I want to live? Ireland 76: Do I have any pets? I have an army of cats 77: What is my current desktop picture? There's a heart of it 78: Early bird or night owl? Both 79: Sunsets or sunrise? Sunrise 80: Can I drive? Yes 81: Story behind my last kiss? We were chilling and it happened like it naturally does 82: Earphones or headphones? Earphones 83: Have I ever had braces? No 84: Story behind one of my scars? I fell on glass and a bunch of it got into my hand 85: Favourite genre of music? Rock 86: Who is my hero? My mom and grandma 87: Favourite comic book character? Archie 88: What makes me really angry? Men 89: Kindle or real book? Real book 90: Favourite sporty activity? I guess baseball 91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be? Bullying 92: What was my favourite subject at school? Art and Music 93: Siblings? I have a step brother named Joe and a brother named Michael 94: What was the last thing I bought? Candy at the movie theatre 95: How tall am I? 5'7'' 96: Can I cook? Yes 97: Can I bake? Yes 98: 3 things I love? Chocolate Netflix My cat 99: 3 things I hate? Men Liars Donald Trump 100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? Yes 101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? Boys 102: Where was I born? Long Island 103: Sexual orientation? Straight 104: Where do I currently live? Long Island 105: Last person I texted? Steven 106: Last time I cried? The movie theatre when I was watching Newsies 107: Guilty pleasure? Netflix 108: Favourite Youtuber? Ellie and Jared Mecham, also Bonnie and Joel Hollein 109: A photo of myself. Nah b 110: Do I like selfies? Yeah 111: Favourite game app? Right now I'm obsessed with Cooking Dash 112: My relationship with my parents? My moms my bff 113: Favourite accents? Brooklyn accents and Spanish accents 114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? Ireland 115: Favourite number? 8 116: Can I juggle? No 117: Am I religious? Somewhat 118: Do I like space? Yes 119: Do I like the deep ocean? Yes 120: Am I much of a daredevil? Depends on my mood 121: Am I allergic to anything? People 122: Can I curl my tongue? Yes 123: Can I wiggle my ears? Ye 124: Do I like clowns? No 125: The Beatles or Elvis? The Beatles 126: My current project? Get my life together 127: Am I a bad loser? No a good loser 128: Do I admit when I wrong? Sometimes 129: Forest or beach? Depends 130: Favourite piece of advice? Be who you thought you'd be when you were younger 131: Am I a good liar? Oh yeah 132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? Gryffindor, Amity, whatever District Effie is in cause this girl is not about to go into the Hunger Games 133: Do I talk to myself? Yeah I'm my best friend 134: Am I very social? I can be 135: Do I like gossip? Yes xoxo gossip girl 136: Do I keep a journal/diary? I used to 137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? Yes 138: Do I believe in second chances? Yes 139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? Return it to the nearest store or building 140: Do I believe people are capable of change? Yes 141: Have I ever been underweight? No 142: Am I ticklish? Yes 143: Have I ever been in a submarine? No 144: Have I ever been on a plane? Yes 145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? Oh man honestly I have no clue no one would make a movie about my life all it would be is me watching show after show on Netflix 146: Have I ever been overweight? Yes 147: Do I have any piercings? 14 148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? Lorelei Gilmore 149: Do I have any tattoos? 6 150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? To be myself 151: Do I believe in Karma? Ye 152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? Both 153: What was my first car? :)))) 154: Do I want children? Yes 155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? So many people I know are smart 156: My most embarrassing memory? The other day at work I called a guys daughter a he 157: What makes me nostalgic? Music 158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? Yes 159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? Brains 160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? I actually have a lot of creme and blues 161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? Yes 162: What do I hate most about myself? My anxiety 163: What do I love most about myself? My willingness to help others 164: Do I like adventure? Yes 165: Do I believe in fate? Yes 166: Favourite animal? Koala 167: Have I ever been on radio? No 168: Have I ever been on TV? Yes 169: How old am I? I'll be 21 in a week #hellaold 170: One of my favourite quotes? Shadows bring the starlight You just gotta give hope a chance to float up 171: Do I hold grudges? I can 172: Do I trust easily? Yes 173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? Probably not 174: Best gift I’ve ever received? My mom surprised me with a camera two Christmas ago 175: Do I dream? Yes 176: Have I ever had a night terror? Yes 177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? Last night I dreamt that I was the new Michael Jackson 178: An experience that has made me stronger? So many 179: If I were immortal, what would I do? Travel 180: Do I like shopping? Yes 181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? @ Donald Trump 182: What does “family” mean to me? Ohana 183: What is my spirit animal? A sloth 184: How do I want to be remembered? As king, caring and, loving 185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? How to play the guitar 186: What is my greatest failure? My whole life lol 187: What is my greatest achievement? Being a sister, daughter, cat mom 188: Love or money? Love 189: Love or career? Love 190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? Omg Ireland for the hundredth time 191: What makes me the happiest? Movies 192: What is “home” to me? My room 193: What motivates me? The people surrounding me 194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? See you all in hell 195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? No 196: A movie that scared me as a child? Nightmare on Elm Street 197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? Broccoli 198: Zombies or vampires? Vampires 199: Live in the city or suburbs? City 200: Dragons or wizards? Wizards 201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? My life 202: How do I define love? When you can look at the other and just see happiness 203: Do I judge a book by its cover? Sometimes honestly 204: Have I ever had my heart broken? Oh yeah 205: Do I like my handwriting? Yes 206: Sweet or savoury? Sweet 207: Worst job I’ve had? Swirls and twirls 208: Do I collect anything? Playbills 209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? My grandmas earrings 210: What is on my bucket list? Travel 211: How do I handle anger? Breathe 212: Was I named after anyone? No 213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? My first language 214: What TV character am I most like? Carrie Heffernan 215: What is the weirdest talent I have? Having the attention span to focus 216: Favourite fictional character? Dory

[thelifeofascholar-blog1]

In which the Scholar Detests a Beverage

(Artwork: Juxtaposition of Burgundy and Mahogany, or the Death of Reason. Acrylic on canvas. © The Scholar, Jan 2017)

It is the lamentable fate of all as educated as I am, however few may fit that description, to grow weary of worldly pastimes. My colleagues at the position I held prior to my current sabbatical met weekly for an hour of squash, and invited me to join them, but within the first outing I was left firmly in the doldrums. Upon my recommendation that we leave the game behind in favor of some less Neanderthal pursuit, they resisted like the hacks I knew them to be. Certainly, expending one’s precious caloric energy on endeavors not conducive to the betterment of the mental self is tantamount to idiocy, and the onus is upon me to shine as an example to the idiots that surround me, even those that appropriate the appellation of ‘academic’. Of course I cannot waste even a second upon trivialities like physical recreation or exercise, except for that minimum necessitated by man’s evolutionary incompatibility with the sedentary lifestyle.

I rather prefer to spend my leisure time, of which I have overly much, on the continual development of expertise. I have long since mastered my original field of study, that of comparative literature, and I have grown so weary with it that I dare not discuss it further for fear of fatally yawning. Since then I have attained varying competencies in harpsichord performance, post-impressionism, cartography, gastronomy, astronomy, metaphysics, geophysics, geodes, haberdashing, marshmallows, and checkers, to name just a few. But not all fields are worthy of my time, a fact that, sadly, I may only discover after having wasted precious hours thereon.

Take, for example, oenology, or the study of wine, as it is known to the etymologically challenged. Many would have you believe that the field is a time-honored pursuit steeped in tradition and culture, but these deceivers omit the central truth of the matter: the only culture to be found in winebibbery is the culture of toxigenic yeast in each barrel of decay, and the only tradition is hedonism. The venom of the vine usurps its post as a reverenced libation by literally controlling the minds of its imbibers. Having a mind as singular as my own, I cannot risk the integrity nor the vitality thereof by joining into the cursed bacchanalia, no matter how ubiquitous it may seem.

In case you doubt my authority on the matter, I do not speak purely from conjecture when I denounce the consumption of fermented grape essence. Indeed, in my younger, more impressionable formative years (which were, owing to slings of outrageous fortune suffered by my dear old mother, a time of parsimony and want), I regarded wine as the hallmark of high society. I never considered myself worthy of partaking until the day I attained my doctoral honors, and with the degree, the promise of an adjunct professorship. The graduation itself was a lonesome one; Mother hadn’t the funds to travel to Paris, and besides, I suspect Father was too busy banging wrenches into pipes or some other such nonsense. I had given no time to the forging of friendships during my studies, for what self-respecting literary comparativist associates with adherents to the postwar American school—but I must stop myself before boredom takes me.

Suffice to say, I was alone that evening, and I thought, “Methinks no occasion more worthy than this could be.” A street-side café stood just down the rue from the university; I had passed by the place for years, and now thought to symbolically punctuate my presence in Paris by stopping there on my last night for a fine glass of Merlot. I entered the café still in my doctoral regalia, robe, hood, mortarboard, and all. I ordered the wine in English, having never mastered the French tongue, not for lack of ability but for lack of interest in learning the language of the world’s rudest culture. After stumbling over my order more than any person should while employed to take orders, the barkeep poured the glass and placed it upon the counter before me.

The trauma that followed, dear reader, I can hardly express. While the prospect of crossing the barrier into high culture excited me in unspeakable ways, I had a jarring sense of alarm. I couldn’t initially identify the source of my subconscious concern, but I raised the glass with caution. As it came within inches of my lips, my apprehension coalesced and became all-out horror: it was the smell of the stuff. I had smelled it before, not in a café in Paris, nor at a high-class dinner, nor at a wedding or reception. It was the smell of that ghastly American pastime of football, the smell of my father and his cadre of ignorami on the annual night of that infamous superlative Bowl. The odors were not identical, but there was that same caustic suffocation, like a cloud of poison and acquiescence and dreams deprived. My vision blurred; my hands shook; my balance faltered; I heard a crash that I failed to realize at the time was myself tumbling to the floor. I awoke to the barkeep and another café patron standing over me. There was a bruise on my shoulder where it struck the ground, and a deep red stain on my doctoral hood where the glass struck me. I now carried that odor in my very clothes, which I could not shed due to a lack of appropriate foresight in dressing myself that morning. It was, perhaps, my moment of second greatest ignominy, and the pain was amplified by a rather circuitous argument with the barkeep over the price of the wine and the broken glass. The only good that came of the experience was the appreciation I developed that night for a good hot evening bath.

On the subsequent flight back to America, I sat in quiet and mournful rumination. High culture, it seemed, was not the golden palace in which I had hoped to reside; rather, it was (to my then naïve eyes) a façade, a whited sepulcher, an unsweetened rainbow. I alternated in my mind between rejecting it outright and fearing that perhaps (perish the thought!) I was not worthy of it. I reasoned, however, (and I reason exceptionally well) that a truly cultured individual is no less cultured whilst wearing a t-shirt, and a simpleton is no less simple whilst imbibing of the most expensive wine. It was clear to me: I could be better than the dilettantes. I could partake of the yet unsullied elements of high society, yet remain unseduced by its intoxicant of choice.

Nevertheless, the draw of the vile nectar is strong, even to one with my will. In the years following our first encounter, my guard against the stuff gradually began to fall. It was difficult to think ill of the beverage when even the colleagues I most admired served it at their social engagements. (I add, out of necessity, that I use the term “admire” rather loosely in this context; precious few have earned the honor of my true admiration, and none were colleagues. The best I had for the latter was a comparatively mild distaste.) In time, and across too many forced appearances at the receptions and soirees of those who would desire my friendship, I grew accustomed to the wafting musk of the alcohol, even observing that it contained a note of sophistication absent from my father’s barley rot. Little by little, my resolve weakened.

Thus when I happened upon an invitation to a wine-tasting a year ago, I chose to lay my curiosity to rest. I regretted not having more time to study the art of the sommelier before the event; my colleagues, in a characteristic lapse of social graces, had forgotten to invite me directly, and I only found out a day prior. As it happened, I only had time to develop a cursory understanding of the distinctions of regional provenance and grape variety, canonical meal pairings, serving temperatures, and historical origins of several common varieties. I nearly balked for fear of being labeled a Joe Sixpack; what if I couldn’t distinguish a Pinot Noir from a Sangiovese? Steeling myself against these fears, however, I reasoned that the doltish rabble I expected to see there would do no better.

My manservant, Chip, drove me to the event. He, being more experienced than myself in the consumption of alcohol (indeed, more experienced than any person not lacking in moral integrity could be), offered to accompany me. I turned him away, however, reminding him that the event was for the sipping of wine, not guzzling. He pressed, but I insisted, and away he reluctantly went, with instructions to retrieve me in one hour’s time.

The event was outdoors, and upon seeing how it was arrayed, I could tell that my fears were unfounded. My colleagues and the other unknown and unworthy of being known attendants were grossly underdressed for the occasion, wearing no more than slacks and button-down shirts with loafers. They might have been more at home in a common pornographic theater. I stood in stark and wonderful contrast in my tailed tuxedo under the afternoon sun, and all stared at me in veneration. The wine itself sat in glasses upon several tables in a gazebo, the glasses in an arrangement apparently calculated to drive the obsessive-compulsive to insanity. So emboldened was I by the miscalculated informality of the tasting, however, that I did not even point out the flawed glass arrangement to the help. Instead, I simply approached a glass of red, removed a white glove, and asked, “Mightn’t I?”

Nobody responded, I suppose because the servers were currently pouring glasses at the other end of the gazebo. I availed myself and drew up the glass. Hesitation momentarily paralyzed me, as my mind returned to Paris and that cursed glass of Merlot, but I overcame it by recalling the tasting process.

The first step was to note the color. Well, it was red. I was sure the nuances would come with practice. Next, I swirled the wine. I sought the legs, the streaks on the side of the glass of which I had read, but saw nothing. Perhaps I had missed them, or perhaps not. Again, I supposed expertise would come with practice. Following that was the step I most feared: sniffing the bouquet. It was this, though at that time inadvertently, that had floored me so many years ago. I raised the glass to my nose with the utmost caution and wafted with my other, still begloved hand. Again, the distinctive image of Father invaded my thoughts, with a bottle in hand, jovially lobbing his opinions at the remedial hulks throwing balls at each on a television screen. This time, however, I retained my consciousness. I attempted to sense anything else in the odor, and failing, saw my intact equilibrium as progress enough.

Finally, it was time to sip. After examining the red potable for a moment longer, I took a long breath and placed the glass to my lips. Horror of horrors! I can scarcely name a sensation more revolting than what I felt the moment that abhorrent fluid touched my tongue. Before my mind could process what I had just done, I felt a spasm begin in my netherest regions, traveling, rippling through my torso into my throat. The vomit came suddenly and quickly, overfilling my wine glass with half-digested truffles and oat cereal. Where there had been subdued chatter from the tasting participants and provisioners of the poison, there was now only the wind and the occasional birdsong. All looked upon me as before, but now I saw only shock and disgust in their eyes. Prematurely expelled foodstuffs ran down my sleeve, coating my shirt cuffs and the arm of my tuxedo jacket. I felt I had to say something, and I feebly attempted to appeal to my normally rapier wit. “What’s all the fuss with this wine about?”

And only then, with glass full of and arm covered with the contents of my stomach, as I processed the words I had just said, did I realize an even greater error. I had ended a sentence with a preposition! It was, perhaps, my moment of greatest ignominy.

I cannot to this day describe in detail the flavor of the filth that had provoked the violent reaction heretofore laid out. Clearly, the intoxication from even that first sip had impaired my faculties, preventing long term memory retention and turning me into a dithering blunderpot. I simply recall it as a moment of horror, of paralysis, of irretrievable discomfiture. After revealing my diet and committing that fatal grammatical error, I couldn’t face the mocking stares. As servers cleared away the other wine glasses caught in the bilious overspray, I took my leave from the dismal festivities and waited in mirthless contemplation for Chip’s return. As I had not the pecuniary luxury of affording a cellular device, I paged him every several minutes, but he forced me to stand for the full hour term I had originally requested.

When he finally arrived, I upbraided him severely for his delay and forbade him from speaking on the way home. I gazed out of the window in lamentation over the events of the day. The pretenders to enlightenment were still visible in the gazebo, having a debaucherous time. They held up their glasses to a toast while I pondered on how mankind could have arrived at such a sorry state, when what glitters may very well may be gilded excrement. I shed a tear for the state of affairs. I shed a tear for my own damaged psyche. I shed a tear for each culturally lost soul at the tasting as the gazebo vanished behind a wall of trees. “The poor fools,” I said. I then wiped away my tears and looked forward to the bath that awaited me at home.