#all I'm saying is maybe she should get an alien gf

[optionalgs]

Sometimes you meet a character and you just know that oh, this is going to be a thing.

Mech Cadets: "the Robos make instant, lifelong connections with people, and they will do anything to protect those they choose."

Me: "big deal I do that too, they're called blorbos."

[whosadu]

a note i wrote for the guy i love (he has a gf now, but nvm)

when i first met you, i never thought this is how we'd end up. never. you were this absolute perfect human being and i was a random girl crushing over you, never imagining in my whole life that this is the guy i'd love. love is a heavy word for me. i don’t throw it around easily. you’re there for me for everything, whether shit happens with my mom, other people, or maybe just me being dramatic, you’re always there. even when you’re in a bad mood or pissed at me (which you rarely are but nvm). i didn't fall in love with you because i had no one else. it was a choice. i don't want you to just be a fling of mine. i want you by my fucking side. poets would take a step back if i had to explain my feelings towards you. you get me. im a mess of a person. with my mood swings, my abandonment issues, my attachment issues and my fear of being alone. i hate it when my whole body aches and screams in pain because of my fear of abandonment. it starts so slowly and consumes me so damn fast. it's like a prison, where the silence becomes my cellmate, and the shadows of solitude gracefully dance around me. in these moments, i feel like a young child left alone, even though youth surrounds me. you don't make me feel like that it's honestly something alien. you make me feel at peace. you're the only guy i've ever been comfortable with. ever. and we know eachother. there's no one else in this whole wide world who knows me better than you do. and there's no one else who'd make you feel more loved, other than me. so this is me, swallowing my pride, writing to you. i don't want you to just be a fling, just a mere fwb situationship or just more than friends, less that lovers shit. i want you to be wholly mine. the same way i'll be wholly yours. here am i, trying to talk to other guys, trying to find a glimpse of you in them. but i've realised, maybe you're the one i'm meant to be with. you know every side of me. the one that rants about her family, the one that yaps constantly about the dumbest things ever, the one that is stressed about her academics, the one that is just so pissed that she doesn't even wanna talk. you know it all. and i know how you rant about your day, yapping about your gym incidents, your shoots, your friends, how you don't get stressed about your academics even though you probably should be, and how you've been wronged in your past by many people. i can handle your ghosting phases, and i can handle your bad haircut phases, or your tuesday fast tired self. i can handle your lame ass humour and your fashion advice that never fails. i want your bad angle selfies and your tired nights. i know you love receiving gifts even though you say you dont. i know about your birthmark on your ear. i know about the story behind the missing stone of your favourite ring.i know it all. what's more left to say. we're already bestfriends. but i don't wanna be that. i wanna be more. i know you probably love me as a friend but we'll make it work. our bond is deeper than that. maybe this thing is temporary. but i don’t mind being temporary as long as it means i’m temporary with you. i want to make up for the all the love you never thought you deserved, all the love that was stolen from you. i want to be the one that makes you laugh. the one that will always have your back in this fucked up world. the one who'll forgive you no matter what. i know your favourite songs and you can tell me about your dreams and we can live, in peace. be the source of all love and comfort. i just hope you realise, i'm the one for you.

[daemondaes]

gravity falls au notes/thoughts—

     this cherry is the oldest cherry (in her 50s! wow!). her canon story is honestly pretty 70s/80s-coded and plays into the tropes of the religious horror movies of the time, so in terms of dates, it ties in surprisingly nicely with the timeline of GF.

     early 1970s: she strikes it out on her own, roaming the country as an artist and exorcist/occultist, passes through gravity falls...then becomes queen of the gnomes. it's actually nikita who becomes the gnome queen, because of course the demon won't reject the opportunity to cultivate power. cherry never would have agreed to it (she can't be tied down now! she has too much to live for!), but because they share a body, she doesn't really have a say in the deal. this goes on, with cherry investigating all the weird stuff going down in the area (while also being investigated by @stnford???) and nikita reigning over the woods, biting heads off birds, etc.

     late 80s: one of cherry's little adventures has her in way over her head, and she gets dragged to hell (as in canon). years pass, the quirky artist is missing from GF, the gnomes are out of a queen again, but she was a drifter anyway! maybe she just skipped town and decided not to come back. meanwhile, she's dealing with what is supposed to be an eternity of torture—so she's not aging, has no way to measure the passage of time, even her wounds heal without a trace just to be inflicted again, etc.

     late 90s/early 2000s-now: as we know, she eventually escapes, and comes back with white-streaked hair and an eye missing! anyway, this cherry still passes through gravity falls regularly, can be found unwinding at skull fracture, and technically should be gnome queen again, but she's doing her best to avoid that duty.

also, just because i think it's funny and i don't expect anyone to contradict me by rping him, i'm going to say that cherry and jeff the gnome maybe had (or worse, have?) a little on-again, off-again thing, who knows? depends on who you're asking and how much they feel like sharing

ciel: alien. nothing really needs to change except that he was discovered by kamau not in france, but in good ol' gravity falls, which kamau was visiting for research and inspiration for his next novel. he's a funny lil guy for whom disco never died. he's also been in town since the 70s. being a shapeshifter, there's no telling how old he really is. usually seems to wear a turtleneck and bell-bottoms, so if you doubt who you're talking to, that's a clue (;

hansel: also still largely his canon self. he's still a bio professor who researches the paranormal in his spare time. amelia is still his family's science project and cyrille still hates him. he still dabbles in medical care for non-human creatures who can't seek out standard medical assistance, but! he now also picked up a second doctorate (and associated license) in vet medicine solely to inform his practice and make acquiring supplies easier. this part is now canon, btw—i just need to update the carrd!

[lostandbackagain]

as someone who's seen both the x files and read the inkheart series do you also see a similarity between mulder and mo??? both of them have someone disappear in their lives and seem to perpetually victimize themselves because of it. also hot headed and kind of rash and self righteous. just realized this myself

congrats on sending my absolute favorite ask i've ever received omg

i 500% see exactly what you mean--i've been thinking about this the past few days and there are so many examples i think of mo's mulder-esque rashness but when basta says he's going to start maiming meggie in inkheart to make mo read and mo doesn't even change his expression or say anything and just pitches the mug of boiling water at basta's head has GOT to be something mulder actually did in the show. has to be.

idk if you're familiar with the absolute funniest txf post on the entire internet ("ever heard of the knife alien") but the energy coming off of that is the exactly how it feels when mo tries to explain how the reading thing works.

person: "there's no way that person over there is a book character you brought to life. that's just ridiculous"

mortimer: "ever heard of fucking magic"

and resa as samantha?? i could spend Y E A R S thinking on what that says about her since we never find out what happened for sure to samantha and honestly get to decide which of the possible options we like best.. which is so in-theme with inkheart in general i want to weep. samantha's story is always told FOR her and she never got the chance to have any agency in it which. whew. is so exactly what resa was furious about in inkdeath (how the inkworld is a world for men but she will not stand by and let them tell her story for her yk!!). even before we find out in inkheart that resa is alive and well (well. not really) there's so much speculation about where she could be, why she would have left (from the people who don't know she got sucked into the book), what she's like now that i refuse to believe cornelia didn't watch the sht out of txf and internalize it even by accident. ain't no way.

detour over--mo and mulder both just. THRIVE on being the designated Sad Boy in the room. mulder does because he's an attention whore but i think it's the only way mo feels validated in a grief he can never fully explain to people for fear of looking like he believes bigfoot came from the fucking moon. he certainly doesn't have peers he confides in even in a casual, non-magic-related capacity (all of the folcharts being such crippling loners is kind of funny; someone remind me to come back to that one day) so he needs everyone he comes into contact with to acknowledge his pain without letting them actually know him. so he--for lack of a better term--acts out and gets himself into the dumbest possible situations. always tells stories like he's the only one affected by whatever happened (unless the other possible victims are resa or meggie ofc) (and this isn't rabid dustfinger-stan!kenna talking, i'm thinking about the lack of empathy for fenoglio's grandchildren being traumatized, the dismissive "wow that sucks" when strolling players were killed because of him (although maybe we can argue he just didn't feel like meggie needed to hear that idk)).

all that's up until inkdeath which is so obviously and magnificently his book. his rise above victimhood to become the avenging angel fenoglio thought he was casting as cosimo is so gorgeously written i feel like i should send cornelia $50 for rereading privileges. and that's where he and mulder finally diverge i think--and it's not quite fair to mulder because so much of his character was dependent on duchovny but mans really just took tf off on his gf and their tiny baby, had no contact with her, took no responsibility, lowkey becoming scully's samantha for a while lmao.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary398

10/24-25/24

thursday - friday

pumpkin patch was fun:

we just kind of stood around a while, we were gonna go out earlier but something dumb happened, my gf's mom broke her wrist because she went to go yell at the neighbors and decided, walking back, to cut across the little rocks between the houses, instead of just using the sidewalk. my gf's brother even, he was with her, saying let me help you, come on the sidewalk, and i guess she was just so mad about the neighbors being loud(??) that she had to walk back across the rocks and she tripped, in her flip flops, and broke her wrist. since she just had surgery on her shoulder, and that arm's hard to use, and this broke her good arm's wrist, she's now really in need of help, and this situation is so... i know that when someone breaks any bone of their own, they feel like the stupidest person ever, nobody else can find them dumber than they feel. but god. it's obviously sad, i feel horrible for her and when i heard i was really worried. it sucks. i wonder if she was drunk at all or not. but i don't know. this situation is so stupid, because she's also, how to put this, i don't know, basically racist about these neighbors. just that they're loud and not white i don't know. i get being bothered people play music loud late or something but how bad is it when you're separated by a few feet... like even when my neighbors partied when i was a kid, it wasn't really unpleasant. i guess it's different, when you sleep in the living room. i get telling them to turn it down but the way she talks about it. it's a little crazy. and how righteous she feels for fighting people. it's strange. it's strange how people can be like this, after so long, still be fixing to start fights with others, i don't know. i don't know what does it, and what makes it hard to not be like that for some, for that to be the only kind of engine in your life, if that makes any sense. like a productive internal force. productive meaning, well not what you typically associate with the word. life-generating i guess. feeding off of conflict like she does.

am i like that? i hope not. i like messing with people a bit, and being a hater sometimes. but idk. i try to keep to myself and do things mostly. that feels better.

today i did write, more transcribing, about 5 or so? notes app thingies, some bigger, some smaller, quite a few appended to other sections making it less of an issue of like, i won't need to find where to put them, instead, they're now parts of other big chunks that need their place.

i didn't begin drawing daan. i keep thinking though, doing all the characters i finished the game with, that would be a good milestone for me, art-wise, it'd make me learn a lot i think. so i hafta!!

okay, other stuff. tomorrow i'm gonna post pictures from the fair, but i have 2 days of selfies, here's from when we went grocery shopping, i thought it was a cute look idk:

and then me todayayayay:

i like how i look in these a lot... very not ugly but i felt ugly at the pumpkin patch. so... win some lose some i suppose.

maybe i'll say more about this tomorrow, i'll try to, i should try and think deeply about something... but there was some ai generated stuff at the pumpkin patch, super obvious, or, i guess not really, if you're looking you'd see but nobody's really looking. i guess i can just talk about it now but looking at it with my friends, pointing and laughing, and thinking about how these images just work because they're gestures of cultural images, cowboys, aliens, you know, it just functions, no one notices or cares, so i don't know. these images exist now as a sort of thing beyond even 'image' i mean they're like, you don't contend with it, we're so surrounded with images/spectacle that we don't even need to interact with the image, it shapes us, reinforcing us constantly you know, or reinforcing itself upon us, it's the mechanism ai imagery relies on. it's so odd. it's hard to feel positive about it in any way when confronted with it like that, like, here is this infinitely reproducible cultural image, forever, here it is kind of rotten, fucked up, but all it being fucked up and melty, obviously...faulty ? in some way, these faulty images, all that says is rather than something else happening, that's a muck that could be shaved off better off the infinite reproduction line, 3d printing bits that you need to sand down i guess. it's really really odd. it's just shapes now, shape of cowboy, alien, whatever, the shapes then tell you okay, i'm in this theme, i recall someone saying these things help us get closer to sludge, undifferentiated mass, something that makes me think of 'uncreated night' what milton described in paradise lost, it seems less like that, it really is so totally from a perspective, and maintaining a perspective that these images are useful, it's so custodial, it's so useful, it helps create something where something more abstract, something like a white wall, nothing but where you are right now, night in a dusty place with some rocks and terrible food, some rides, that's not just it anymore, you're somewhere a little more themed, it's easier to swallow because it shows you something. showing you something, everything has to show you something, ai imagery is really the endpoint of us needing to be bathed in images constantly, to have the spectacle unfold for us, for these things to be/surround ourselves with, subsumed by the image. it's not about the fact they steal even. it's that this perspective is reproduced, it's that it maintains it. it is mechanical maintenance of a perspective and ideology. i ought to be more... precise about this. but i'm sleepy, it's hard i hope i'm making sense. but this is the mechanism by which alienation is maintained, isn't it, that there's all these things, sketched out, reproduced, ways to be, and not just ways to be, but paths of enjoyment drawn out, not just paths of enjoyment, but images of history, images of out there, images of fun, refers back to numerous other things, we're now seeing the referring back, we're in the mechanical use of these images to more speedily keep up an illusion, the illusion never needed much work or creativity, it's why these are so ready to be used here, just as stuff in the background, that there is a background to life, that this is... life has a backdrop, places need to be certain ways. i don't know... i feel i need something more solid under me to speak about the spectacle here, and the custodial function but the fact, i don't know, the fact it's things you'd never give second thought to, only if you look to see the faults, it feels janitorial, a perfectly unthinkable place, as in, you cannot think about it, you pass through it, focus on the important stuff i suppose, the important part being that you're having fun and totally not being scammed by the ticket prices for rides... and that you're totally not absorbing images which quietly impress upon you, no matter how flimsy they are, what kind of place you're at, and the content of them, everything is so normal.

everyone thought that ai would always be so weird and fucked up, artists always try so hard to not have fucked up anatomy, but ai proves, as does some other art i guess, that if you make something that seems normal enough, people will vaguely look, as we all vaguely 'look' at plenty of images day in, day out, inundated with the things, and accept it.

it's complex and strange, it feels really strange. it feels like there is so much to express, seeing it in the wild like this, not just online, not just in something made to be on the computer, you know... and not from just... some guy, but adorning rides and games at the pumpkin patch. there's plenty of other things out there like that i'm sure, but this feels really, i dunno, these machines, you assume they're decently old, but this is like, they're so so so current, up to date. still death-trappy but the images are new and current, 'current' fidelities at least, it's so much, it's almost as if that aspect as well, within a fidelity that enables the looking past the thing, the creation of the profoundly normal image, the correct image, as in, it shifts, continuously, can be regenerated, but at its root, it will be the thing you remember or know. or the cultural object you know, without any real, as it's derived from some kind of fiction.

i dunno. is this silly? i guess. i try to remain ambivalent or, i guess, i just want my critiques to be different from those which defend copyright, they evidently are still, but it feels really odd to see it like this, just in a place for kids basically, you know. is this just where we are now? i thought it'd be a little bit out. but it's now, you know. i thought stuff like that willy wonka thing was more special. as in, i dunno, unique for being a scam. now that it's been figured out how to make these things reinforce the cultural norms and assumptions, i dunno. it feels very fast, and more easy, than it was with other art forms. maybe not. photography one could say, that was used quickly, anything i suppose always was. but the technology itself, the methods, they feel pointed at this use. passing under a range of being detected or cared about because of the way the images have the dslr high resolution thing going on. i dunno i don't know i dun know.

funny how i get up and walk around and get new ideas:

first, that this once again illustrates the super-human, not as in, super-human like superman or something, but super human as in very human, surpassing nothing, qualities of ai, that it is in line with thinking towards efficiency, ascendancy, teleology applied to all domains, everything can 'be better' and better means a streamlining of the factory floor. thought here as well about scenes from megalopolis, especially the one of the ape's back straightening, the posture... the posture, nothing post-human here this is the imagination directed at the future seeing how to work out right now, this is the teleological fantasy materially instantiated. ai images on carnival rides.

second, this is the more interesting and disquieting thing for me, is that what i described as flimsy images, and we have to be careful to not discuss the quality of these images in terms of ugly, and so on, 'poorly made', but qualities of believability, as in things related to fingers, stuff that convinces you, what you're looking at refers to reality or what one can see, at least, in some way. this is why artists pay mind to anatomy and things, and there are plenty who distort it greatly, but this is, even if done through automatism, even if pointless or something, or, i don't know, this is really beside the point, frequently artists will do things beyond regular or do things which may make their work unbelievable, regarding style, distancing themselves from 'life' or reality. why is it that ai gives me this sense of reinforcing it, i do not think it is because i am wrong, it's not really contradictory, it's simply that ai, by collating so many images, it mirrors a populist vision, it simply agrees with the basic image, it reproduces that thing, it's not flimsy since it agrees with that essential image, perhaps, it's flimsy in any sense of "believable image" and believable here does not mean you believe it is real, it really means, just that it has some tethering to formal constraints common even in kitsch stuff, that things be regular in 'that' way, as in, santa has 5 fingers, instead of, santa at the highest resolution possible, brightest cheeks imaginable, happy as can be. it functions on emotions in ways, as all kitsch does but it does so without needing grounding, or, we are beyond needing grounding because what is sought after, desired, and reproduced, are images which agree, again the populist angle becomes salient here i feel like, it agrees with the crowds, a futurism which propels strong images, or, useless images strongly.

okie dokie... i need to sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[zanzibarhamster]

seeing all the star trek stuff reminds me of how in high school me and my gf/then-best friend agreed to be in a close friend's tabletop group despite knowing literally nothing about star trek, essentially because (i say this with all the love in my heart, i flew 2000 miles to go to this man's wedding) he is the world's most Stereotypical Autism Guy and star trek is his #1 special interest so he literally would not stop asking because he really really really wanted to DM.

he somehow assembled a group of 7 players who between us had seen maybe three hours of star trek and we had a great time despite the fact he had to explain literally every worldbuilding detail to all of us, sometimes repeatedly. and he was a great DM, especially for a high schooler.

i really shot myself in the foot really hard by picking 'xenoanthropologist' on impulse off the list of options, realized this was a role-playing game so i should probably actually know that, figured "how many aliens can there possibly be", went to memory alpha with the intent to memorize all the alien articles bc nbd i'm a lore guy, and got halfway through D before getting totally overwhelmed. i tried to skim what i thought looked important past that but mostly he just let me roll for it.

also i maybe should have guessed my gf and i were gonna end up together when he mentioned before starting that it'd be good if some combos of characters had pre-existing relationships and we looked at the pair of characters we had created and went "it would be funny as hell if they were married". to be fair, it was, my anthropologist was a laid back kind of guy that got serious and kept a cool head under pressure (he would in theory have been a great squad leader but had turned down multiple attempts at promotion), and she was an extremely high strung medical researcher that had zero bedside manner despite functionally serving as the ship's doctor because she was here to study exotic alien biology.

the result was basically "[calmly walking into the med bay] hey hon i got bit by some weird lizard thing and nobody knows what it is, can you run a tox screen?" "[door bangs open] what do you MEAN you got bit by something oh my GOD would it KILL you to be careful for once" "i was carefu-- are you taking a sample?" "obviously"

so like with that dynamic it was objectively ten times funnier for them to be married but also i feel like we played it far more convincingly than two people who did not already have lowkey married energy could have lol

[syrinq]

in this one i'm collecting air for my girlfriend

aka syrinq should post dreamlog things when she gets them so she doesn't get a backlog for 3+ months to catch up with. but i also prefer to do everything in 1 go so it's all done and over with, but the minus of that is that i put everything off & it then takes one Full Day to complete said Task. sigh. i can never win at life

anyway.

last night i had a dream about going to some pool/wrestling class to cheer on my Imaginary Dream Girlfriend, because she wanted to try out something new

we get to some resort and there's a queue, so we wait patiently in the courtyard by sitting around, hanging about, reading magazines together and having lunch etc. etc. this takes several hours because this was an extremely popular class with an extremely long fucking queue. sigh. at least the environment was cool & looked something like this

it goes from afternoon to sunset. the queue shortens by a lot but we're still waiting. my gf gets unwell and suddenly faints. awesome. i'm fucking panicking, there's several maori/similar culture people around. they're either renting rooms there or they actually lived there (leaning towards the latter).

there's one lady called Bug who knows how to treat my gf. she says all people around have to perform a certain breathing technique by pinching their nose. if enough people did this, it'd change the chemicals in the air (or something like that) & send idk a brain signal so she'd wake up.

unfortunately for me, there's not enough people around to try this. so we gotta 'recruit' people around the resort and outsider friends to help out, like we're asking the entire world to aid goku's spirit bomb or whatever. so there's eventually mario & gang (luigi, toads, princesses). other disney princesses and characters. maybe sprinkle some other game characters in there idk and it was like this for me

and it's still not enough people. god fucking damn my gf has a fucking disease or something. Bug says we still need a few more people. we're like 2 short. so i mention that we can still call in goofy the janitor & bowser. everyone PROTESTS HEAVILY at the idea of bowser coming around, because, you know, bowser.

i tell them he's actually chill and won't pull anything freaky if it's for a life-or-death situation. like he's my friend (yeah fine i'm okay with that). everyone then reluctantly agrees and i call up the real bowser and goofy the janitor. bowser's there practically immediately, sunbathing until the last person's here. i notice cracks are forming in the architecture around us, and the weather is getting weird. i can only hope the Lord And Saviour Goofy the Janitor arrives soon

then the POV shifts. i am witnessing goofy the janitor in his janitor van, that looks colourful like the mystery machine. he's racing chaotically on a highway that's falling apart rapidly, thanks to the surrounding environment that's getting worse by the second. there's heavy rain and a dark thunderstorm going on. cyclones are appearing on sea in the distance. there's ginormous water spheres rising from the seas, that are covered by an electrical shield like it's a fucking plasma ball. it's protecting what's growing inside- phallic alien monsters (that really just look like khezu monster hunter) that grow out of blue sperm cells the size of giraffes. so you can only imagine how big the final beast is

so, you know, world is obviously falling apart due to reasons unknown. goofy has to fucking gta it across high way gaps and whatever to nearly crash land into the resort courtyard.

FINALLY GOD DAMN HE'S HERE we all do the breathing technique in an extremely rushed manner. my gf FINALLY WAKES UP THANK GOD I'M NO LONGER WORRIED but now we have to deal with *hand gesture to outside* world falling apart.

so we fetch rubber boats, because the resort just has these and we're conveniently next to a sea, and we open the door to the inside of the resort. it's been destroyed and morphed, and it pretty much looks like a danger slide downhill. we split up in teams and get into the boats to go down.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary9

listening to orchid chaos is me for the millionth time #swaeg

today we had to do errands but they were light but i had a bad dream i guess that made me feel really miserable all day. the dream was that my gf left me, so i killed myself. what i really remember from it was using these blue scissors i had in my old bedroom at my parent's place my mom had since always to do it, and my gf seeing me and rushing off to a hospital where i woke up from. i think i'd still die in the dream, i was bleeding a lot.

so obviously starting the day miserable, and i'm for some reason sort of compelled to tell my gf what happened and play it up like i'm actually hurt by what she did, and i'm not, but it still actually makes me miserable. there's nothing rocky about where we are except i'm insane and i'm the problem always i feel like, i'm irrational and excitable in every direction, it's easy for me to get actually suicidal, one time i made her a grilled cheese and it looked not good so i took it from her and made her another one and i was at tears the whole time and really erratic saying that i can't make her something that looks like dog food, that i have to eat that so she can have something normal. it tasted fine. i was also getting really upset about the butter being hard still and it made me want to stab myself. which is stupid obviously but it still makes me upset i guess. i feel useless a lot, i think i probably am. i don't know what's wrong with me, i really wish i did, i don't know, i don't think anything is wrong in the way where it's like a doctor's going to help in any way or maybe that means i'm beyond hope or whatever.

i think this all makes me sound super volatile. i don't want to be super volatile. i don't think i am. maybe that's just hope but i hope it isn't. i don't know though because no one tells me i'm not except my gf. no one tells me i am except a voice in my head. i just don't know how to trust one or the other but putting it here it makes me think i should trust the real person outside of me more than the voice in me that exists to just create ways to disagree with anything i guess.

today i am feeling more alienated than yesterday. not from my girlfriend. just people online, again. it's a thing that happens to me, i don't feel sufficiently 'in' with a server, basically, and i feel like i can't ever be, because i'm just different/raised different/socialized different, saying that feels egotistical. like, i'm not like regular girls (girls carrying 20 asterisks that alternate gender w/ each one (you understand i'm certain (and i'm sure you get why i need to state it here because i feel like i'll be lying and crazy if i don't or i dunno something else, it's just wrong to not (it makes explaining myself very difficult in that way and i guess i just want to be intuited)))) type stuff. i promise it isn't, or i don't want it to be. i just feel pretty far outside how they interact with the world they're in / art / eachother / whatever, and by being outside that, i can't really figure out how to approach, so i sort of just get left in my own pit, excluded and not really even a curiosity, just a kind of village freak who seeks vengeance by saying strange things. it's not actually like vengeance i just do what i want and to them it probably seems freakish but i just try to be myself and when i can't really say what i want or there's nothing to even say to the things they say but i want there to be because i want to be everybody's friend i find pleasure/happiness in coming off crazy because it sort of makes me look like a fool and then maybe that'll make them say hey this person is, like, not trying to be superior or whatever. i don't think people read me that way anyways but i really dislike the idea of being better than anyone. we're not all the same but superiority outright is an ugly way to approach things/people/anything. essentially trying to school people on entire histories or situations makes them useless to themselves, or not really, but you know, that sort of condescension / will to explaining anything really puts people directly below you, it makes me feel like an insect even seeing it and i see so many people eager to use knowledge like a tool for competition rather than idk, cooperation. it's like, yes we can cooperate but first i have to one-up you. there's differences in explanation and discussion and this, i can't line it out. it's really down to prose and how one carries themselves, how one puts the words out there and stuff, in huge sprawling series of posts vs. paragraphs they clearly spend time writing and editing and so on.

anyways today makes me feel sort of sad. i guess this is the trend, the middle of the week ends up being full of stress, cuz of errand day, where idk, i guess it's because i'm doing stuff i don't necessarily like at all. i sort of hate being in stores. very few places feel hospitable. i like crafts stores because i could go in them for hours with my mom to escape my stepdad, i like trader joe's, it's nostalgic, which is a tragedy and i shouldn't feel like that about a shopping center. otherwise, stores are high stress. i also like malls and pretty clothes and stuff.

anyways i dunno. this doesn't need to go on forever. i'll try to chill out now. tomorrow will be better i guess. i hope. i think it will be.