#all I want for Christmas is a few hours each day to Sim and write my story

[treason-and-plot]

Cookie

[sinofwriting]

So Many Reasons - Ollie Bearman

Words: 3,343 Summary: She honestly just wants to go to these two races to see her brother so he won’t complain about never seeing her anymore that is it. She has exams, an internship, and a job, she doesn’t have time for any of this. Note(s): Thank you V once again for commissioning the fic! I had a lot of fun writing it and may or may not have spent an hour researching different business degrees and universities and such. Reader is Andrea Kimi Antonelli’s older sister. Age gap of 3 years between her and Ollie. Not good family dynamics between her and Kimi and their father.

Masterlist | Support Me!

“Andrea, no.” Her voice is firm, perhaps harsh but she doesn’t care. She was tired, hungry, and had to stay up for at least another six hours. Her last red bull in her bag sounded better every second. “C’mon, sorella. It is my first F2 race. You can miss a few classes.” Her jaw clenches and she forces herself to take a deep breath. Thank god this was just a phone call. “No, Andrea. I can’t. I have exams.” “Ask for an extension.” “Andrea,” she snaps. “Does padre know you are asking me this?” His voice is quiet, “no.” She sighs, pushing away her work. “How is your school work going?” “It’s fine.” “And the sim?” “Good.”

It’s quiet between the two siblings.

“It’s been months since we last saw each other. Do you not miss me?” “We saw each other at Christmas.” She reminds him but softens. “Of course I do. But I’m busy. I can’t take a few days away to go to a race, at least not one that’s not in Europe.” She looks at her planner, at the days blocked out with different colors. Purple for exams, blue for classes, yellow for work, green for work and classes, the dreaded orange for when she had both exams and work. It was filled for days, weeks, and months. “I could maybe make it for Imola.” She’d have to talk to her professors, put in her time now for work, but she didn’t have any exams the day after his feature race. “Maybe even Monaco if you can get me a spare pass.” She shouldn’t go to Monaco, not with her final exams to obtain her MBA starting just the day after the race, but she didn’t have any work those days and she could always bring her books with her. “Really?” She smiles at the excitement in his voice. “Really. Are you sure you want your big sister around?” “Yes. It will be nice to have family in the paddock. Someone other than dad.” She hums, eyes widening as they catch the time. “Let me know about the passes for the different races, okay? As soon as you get them I’ll talk to my professors.” “I will.” “Bye Andrea.” “Bye.”

—

“Mr. Garcia?” She knocks on the door frame. “You asked to see me?” He smiles, beckoning her in. “Yes. Please sit.” He gestures at the chairs in front of his desk before quickly typing something. She sits down, smoothing the fabric of her skirt. “I wanted to talk to you about your plans after you get your MBA.” “I’d like to get a travel position or be able to work remotely half of the time. Then I think after ten years of doing that, I’d like to take a bigger account or two.” He hums, looking at her consideringly. “Why the travel position?” “I like traveling, going to different places, and when I went once before with Maria, I liked what she had to do.” “You're also good with languages.” “Yes.” “And the hybrid?” She fidgets a little. “The same reasons really as the travel position and I like the extended hours.” His lips twitch into a smile, “Maria hated remote.” She nods.

“She said you’d be suited for it.” Her leg that had started to bounce stops. He leans forward, “I’d like to keep you on. I know that your internship with Maria ends the first week of May. And that you’re only supposed to continue to work with us until August. But I’d like to offer you the remote position, starting June 20th.” She looks at him with a slight open mouth. “What,” she clears her throat. “What exactly would that look like?” He pushes forward a folder. “All of the details are in there, but there are two important things. There will only be a few days every month that require you in the office. Those days are always made known at least two weeks in advance, some as much as six months.” She nods. “The second is you will have strict deadlines. Miss two within a three month period and you will be on probation, meaning that for a time you will be spending at least eighty hours in office for the month, until your probation is up. Look over all the details and get back to me next week.” “Of course.” Taking the folder, she stares at it before standing. “Thank you, Mr. Garcia.” “Of course, Ms. Antonelli.”

—

“Andrea!” She calls, seeing him looking around. His head turns to look at her, a large grin taking over his face. “Sorella!” He calls, jogging over to her. “You made it.” She rolls her eyes, pushing him away when he tries to give her a hug. “I told you two weeks ago I’d make it to Imola. It’s not my fault, you don’t listen.” She touches her ears before giving him a quick hug. “How are you feeling?” “Good.” She hums, following him as he leads her to what she assumes is Prema’s space for this race.

The good was false that was more than clear to see, if she wasn’t his sister, she’d know just by looking at the F2 races so far. Round four with no podiums? Or pole position. Her brother was surely smarting. She wondered if it had hit him yet that he wasn’t the most talented driver in this series yet.

Entering the Prema garage she smiles when Rene immediately greets her.

“How are you?” “I’m good. Very good. How are you? How is Angelina?” “I am good, I’m sure you saw the Indycar news.” She nods, watching as Andrea starts talking to either a mechanic or an engineer. “I did. It sounds amazing.” “Very amazing. And Angelina, well,” He pauses, turning his head and calling her over.

“Oh, Y/N.” “Angelina.” She greets back, melting into the hug the older woman gives. “How are you doing?” “I’m doing good. And you are well?” “Of course, it is the season.” She smiles at her, knowing all too well how much everyone loved the motorsport season.

“Kimi!” Angelina calls and she has to stop herself from flinching at the use of his nickname. “You did not tell me that your sister was coming.” He shrugs, “She’s coming next race as well.” “You are coming to Monaco?” She shrugs, adjusting her purse. “It’s my last free time before my exams and Andrea asked when I was going to come.” Rene and Angelina share a look but before either can say anything, someone interrupts.

“Angelina, Dino and Antonio are wondering about the next shoot.” The older woman sighs, “And neither of them could get me themselves.” He shoots her a grin, and it’s the sight of his grin that makes her realize that this is Andrea’s teammate. “I volunteered.” Angelina shakes her head, muttering under her breath but leaves the small group.

“Ah, Ollie, this Y/N. Y/N, this is Ollie.” Rene introduces. She shakes his hand. “Nice to meet you.” “You as well. Are you new to the team?” “No.” She laughs, pulling her hand from his. “Just a guest for this race and next.” “Oh.” He looks at Rene questioningly, but the older man is already in conversation with other people. “I could give you a tour, if you’d like.” “You don’t need to do that.” He smiles, giving a small shrug with his shoulders. “I don’t mind.” “Don’t you have race prep?” She can see just behind him, Andrea talking to another two people, their heads all gathered around a tablet. “I finished mine already.” Her lips purse. “At least let me get you a coffee from Ferrari’s hospitality.” Her nose nearly wrinkles at the word coffee, but Ferrari… She wasn’t into motorsports by choice, but she was Italian. She knew the allure of Ferrari and more so now Charles Leclerc than the team itself better than anyone. “So, coffee?” He grins. She sighs but nods. “Just one though.” She doesn’t think she could stomach another one.

“You don’t like coffee do you?” He asks nearly twenty minutes later as she sips at the coffee he got her and she chooses not to think too hard about the money she tried to hand him that he refused. “No.” She laughs. “But you like Ferrari.” “I’m Italian, Ollie. I think I get kicked out of the country, especially this part if I don’t bleed rosso corsa.” “Yet your brother is a Mercedes junior.” She pauses, “My brother?” His eyebrows furrow. “I’m sorry, it’s just Kimi, he has a picture of you. I asked about it once, because I already knew what his girlfriend looked like.” “I didn’t know that.” She wondered when the picture was from. Not from this Christmas, that was for sure. Ollie stares at her for a few seconds, something dancing in his eyes before turning the conversation back around. “It is a bit funny isn’t it? An Italian choosing Mercedes, while an Englishman chooses Ferrari.” “A second Charles Leclerc in the making.” She muses, remembering an article that said it. He flushes red. “I wouldn’t say that.” She shrugs, “Then other people will for you.”

Her phone buzzing makes her look away and she rolls her eyes at the text from Andrea. “I have to go back, Andrea is looking for me. Thank you for the coffee.” He nods, standing with her. “No problem.” He then opens his mouth again, quickly closing it. She raises an eyebrow and he flushes a bit more. “Could I get your number?” “Ah.” She glances down at her phone, another text on the screen. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” “Why not?” She can think of a million reasons. “It’s just not a good idea.” She settles on. “What if I want it as a friend?” She sends him a look and he grins. “I could do friends.” She shakes her head, “I need to go. Thank you again.” “Anytime.”

—

“You're at a race.” “Padre.” She greets, watching the screens as the sprint race goes into its fifth lap. “Andrea asked me to come.” “You don’t like races.” Her lips thin. “No, I don’t. But he wanted to see me, I made time.” “Have you made time for the interview I want scheduled?” “No.” He starts to say her name and she shakes her head. “No, padre. I’m here for Andrea, to see him. Just like I will be for Monaco, that is it. I have no interest in working for you.” “For the family.” “Or that.” He sighs.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she winces at the way Andrea gets overtaken, can already imagine the way he’ll beat himself up over it if he doesn’t regain the position, especially with the way Ollie is in P2, no battle in sight, as he more than comfortably keeps the place.

An arm wraps around her shoulders and she easily goes into her fathers side. “I miss my little girl.” She bites back on the words that want to crawl from her throat. “Love you too.”

—

“So,” she startles at the sound of a voice and the owner of it grins. “You don’t like coffee.” “Hello, Ollie.” “Hi.” He greets back. “You don’t like coffee.” He repeats. “I don’t like coffee.” She can’t help but smile at the way he grins at her responding to him. “What about,” he pauses looking around, before leaning closer and lowering his voice. “Red bull?” “I’m listening.”

She has to stop herself from giggling as Ollie leads her through Ferrari’s garage. She really shouldn’t be here. And not just because she shouldn’t even be at the race.

Stopping in front of a door, she watches as Ollie knocks, sending her a grin as he does.

“Hello?” The voice is a little confused. “Ollie! Come in, come in.” And Ollie grabs her hand, intertwining their fingers as he pulls her into the room with him. “Hi Charles.” Her eyes widen at the name and she quickly schools her expression though neither are looking at her. “What are you doing here?” Ollie grins at the older man. “I wanted to introduce you to someone and raid your fridge.” Charles rolls his eyes. “At least you don’t ask permission anymore.”

The tease makes her stiffen, this was a lot more than she felt she should be seeing or hearing.

“No, I learned.” Ollie laughs and then he’s tugging her closer. “Charles, this is Y/N.” A bit of tension leaves her when he doesn’t say her last name. “Y/N, this is Charles.” “Bonjour.” She greets, keeping her free hand firmly by her side as she wiggles her fingers in Ollie’s hand, but he just brushes his thumb over her knuckles. Charles’ eyes brighten at the greeting. “Bonjour. Est-ce un accent italien que j'entends?” (“Hello. Is that an Italian accent I hear?”) “Oui. Je suis italienne et je vis actuellement en France.” (“Yes. I am Italian currently living in France.) His grin widens. “Oh, très bien. Votre français est bon.” (“Oh, very nice. Your French is good.”) She ducks her head. “Merci.” (“Thank you.”)

“I didn’t know you spoke French.” Ollie says. She gives him a look. It should make his smile falter a little, but it only grows. “An Italian living in France. A bit uncommon, no?” Charles asks, handing her then Ollie a Red Bull. Before grabbing one for himself. “I study there.” “What are you studying?” Ollie asks, “Ki,” he stops himself. “Andrea never said.” Her eyes narrow at the catch, wondering why exactly he did it. “Accounting. And I’m not surprised. If it’s not something racing related, my brother has no interest.” Charles laughs. “I think Lorenzo and you would get along well. Having siblings that live and breath racing while you don’t.” “Maybe.” “Are you close to getting your degree?” “I am actually. My final exams start Monday.” “And you came to the Monaco Grand Prix?” Charles’ eyes are wide. “Yes.” “My goodness.” He looks at Ollie, winking at him. “This one is a keeper.” “Oh,” she says, feeling blood rush to her cheeks and Ollie is turning pink. “We aren’t.” He shrugs, taking a drink of his red bull. “Maybe not yet.” His eyes then fall to their still intertwined fingers and she gives another tug to Ollie’s hand, expecting him now to let go, but he doesn’t. “No, not yet.”

—

“What race are you coming to next?�� Her hand tingles at the sound of Ollie’s voice. “I’m not.” “What?” She turns to face him. “Andrea wanted me at the first race of the season, but I couldn’t make it, so I said I’d come to these two.” She doesn’t mention that the want of her coming was because he apparently missed her. She had her doubts about that, especially after this weekend. “You don’t think he’ll ask you to come again?” She looks around, seeing no one nearby, she sighs. “Even if he did, I wouldn’t come. I love my brother, but not on race weekends, not during the season. I’ve seen you more than him.” Ollie’s face that had looked shocked, turns to understanding. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.” She shrugs. “He’s busy.” Ollie looks like he wants to argue, but he doesn’t.

Instead he leans a bit closer, “so, could I get your number now?” She laughs, shaking her head. “No. Still not happening.” “Oh, c’mon. I won today. This is the one thing I want as the Monaco F2 feature race winner.” She shakes her head. “Maybe, if you actually wanted it as a friend. I’d say yes.” “And why can’t we be more than friends?” He’s closer now somehow and she has to swallow around the lump in her throat. “Ollie,” Her name spills from his lips in a gentle sigh as he leans ever closer. “We can’t.” She whispers, hand against his chest, holding him place. “Why? Give me one good reason why.”

He’s guiding her backwards, down the short hallway and into a room that’s thankfully empty, the door shutting behind him.

“One good reason.” “You’re Andrea’s teammate.” “For nine more weekends.” She lets out a shaky breath, watching as his tongue darts out to wet his lips. “I’m busy with school and work.” “You have final exams this week, which you’ll pass. And I’m busy with work as well.” “You're younger than me. I’m twenty-two, you just turned nineteen.” He shrugs, her eyes following the strong line of shoulders with the movement. “I’m an adult. And I like you.” “Ollie.” She breathes. He’s closer than ever before, their lips nearly brushing. “I’m still waiting.” Her eyes scan his face, his words full of confidence, his body too, but he’s flushed and his nervousness is easy to read. And she delivers the reason that has to make him see reason. Because she doesn’t know if he stays this close to her if she can stop herself from kissing him. “Your parents,” his throat bobs. “Would never approve.” He looks at her and she looks back, holding her breath, waiting for him to back away but he doesn’t, and god when does Ollie ever do things she expects. “They don’t need to.” He whispers and then he’s kissing her.

—

“What are you talking about?” “Andrea,” “No.” He stops her, shaking her head. “What do you mean, you are seeing Oliver?” He spits the name out. “Don’t, Andrea.” “NO!” His face is red and she’s reminded of the times when he wanted candy that she had and threw a fit over not getting it instead. “He is, he is,” he shakes his head. “I don’t even know what he is. He is my teammate, he works in motorsports, you hate motorsports.” She keeps quiet, watching as her brother processes the news. “He is younger than you, barely older than me. And you.” He shakes his head again. “Does padre know?” She scoffs, now shaking her head. “Does padre know? That’s all you care about isn’t it. If our father approves or not, if you knows what he thinks, because heaven forbid Kimi,” he flinches at the name. “You think for yourself.” “That is not.” “Don’t.” She cuts him off. “Yes, he knows. Don’t worry he disapproves as well. So, you don’t have to think for yourself again.”

She stares at her younger brother, knowing that this is her fault, but she can’t, she still doesn’t have it in her to deal with it, not today. “I will talk to you sometime, Andrea.”

—

“Your fans are lovely.” Ollie makes a humming sound, half asleep. She pauses her scrolling on twitter, unable to stop herself from liking the picture of Charles’ dog in his own personal little car. “Your fans. Very creative as well. They can’t call me a gold digger, but a fame seeker? Well, if the shoe fits.” “They what?” He sounds so much more awake, it makes her laugh. “It’s just hate, Ollie. I’m an old woman praying on the young. Apparently I’m like Piquet.” “Ew.” And she can picture his nose wrinkling. “You know you aren’t though right?” “An old woman?” She jokes. “A predator.” She softens, turning in his arms, so that they are chest to chest. “I know.” “I mean, really if anything I was.” “You were very insistent.” He flushes. “Only a little.” She nods, pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Only a little.”

“I know we talked about it before, but are you okay with everything?” “Yes. I mean, it hurts that Andrea is still not okay with it but my father’s opinion has not mattered to me in a long time. And no matter what the media and fans were never going to give us peace, so I made my peace with that as well. Besides, your parents are okay with it.” “They love you.” “Our friends are understanding.” “They are.” “And you aren’t about to dedicate any more podiums to me.” He grins at her and dread starts to form in her stomach. “Ollie…” “About that last one.” “Ollie!”

@crashingwavesofeuphoria @poppyflower-22 @racingheartsposts @gemofthenight @peachiicherries @lpab @hiireadstuff @iloveyou3000morgan @boiohboii @bibliosaurous @skepvids @elliegrey2803

[sexysapphicshopowner]

🤎 Context/AU (Alternate Universe): Modern AU- Some random tidbits about you and mechanic!Sevika's relationship after her Christmas confession

🤎 soft!mechanic!Sevika x bubbly!mechanic!reader

🤎 CW/TW: suggestive language, not proofread, useless lesbians, smut, wlw ship, no use of y/n, pet names, blossoming relationship, you and Sev are actual idiots, unserious smut, lowkey crack

🤎 A/N: Ask me about this couple and I'll answer anything!! I didn't really know where I was going with these headcanons, just wanted to get into the feel for them before I write a New Year's fic for them

🤎 Notes: Idk what this is, don't... we not gone talk about it

🤎 Word count: 3.4k

🤎 Surprisingly, dating Sevika is much different than simply pining for her 

🤎 First of all, the woman is a sap 

🤎 She’s so unbelievably cute, it’s almost criminal 

🤎 Sev is the older of you two, but she’s the bigger baby 

🤎 Your regular flowers begin coming with metal ones that she welded for you to match whatever type she’d just bought for you 

🤎 Date nights are now much more elaborate- she picks you up with flowers and a little gift for each date, even if it’s just like a movie or bowling or something like that 

🤎 Hates spooning 

🤎 She prefers to wrap herself around you with her head smushed in your tits 

🤎 She actually asked you about it at first as well 

🤎 You two were on the couch, she was rested between your thighs as she played some game on the tv and you had a hand idly playing in her hair as you scrolled on your phone 

🤎 She looked up at you a few times before she finally spoke, “Hey sweets?” 

🤎 You hummed, “Hm?” 

🤎 “Which spoon do you prefer to be?” 

🤎 You thought about it for a few second, fingers still carding through her thick strands gently before you responded, “With you? Little.” 

🤎 “Hm.” 

🤎 “What’s that for?” 

🤎 “I don’t like spooning.” 

🤎 “Oh?” 

🤎 She nodded as she turned back to her game (I headcanon that Sev plays the sims in this modern au), “Yeah. I would rather be face to face when we cuddle. Or... face to chest.” 

🤎 You rolled your eyes, thumping her ear playfully, “Mmcht, you just wanna touch my tits.” 

🤎 “No, ‘m serious, babe. For one, there’s more warmth that way. Two, we can get closer. And three, I can hear your heartbeat that way. It’s calming.” 

🤎 She’s too fucking cute 

🤎 On days where one of you works and the other doesn’t, she always requires at least an hour of kissing and cuddling to unwind 

🤎 Your matching jewelry goes beyond your charm bracelets now- you two each have a necklace with the other’s name on it that neither of you take off 

🤎 Movie nights are spicier, usually ending in a heated make-out session 

🤎You’re both still idiots who can’t take each other seriously though 

🤎 Every time Sevika says something romantic, depending on the timing and delivery, you’re either melting or cracking up in a fit of giggles 

🤎 Sev on the other hand can’t take you serious when you start trying to talk dirty to her 

🤎 She finds dirty talk to actually be kind of awkward 

🤎 Take every time you tried to be a little flirty before the two of you had sex for the first time 

🤎 Once she was watching television and you just looked up from your phone to say, “You’ve gotta stop looking like that.” 

🤎 “Like what?” 

🤎 “Fuckable.” 

🤎 She always looks away with a little blush and a cough to clear her throat, “Oh.” 

🤎 The closest you guys got to fucking for the first time was during a movie night 

🤎 You guys were watching ‘Princess and the Frog’ 

🤎 Well, you were watching 

🤎 Sev’s back was turned to the tv as she tucked her face into your neck, pressing methodical kisses to all the spots she knew would make your breath hitch a little and send a shiver down your spine 

🤎 You had a hand entangled in her hair, your other one propping you up so you could try and focus on the movie and not her lips 

🤎 At least until her hands slid under your shirt and she looked up at you 

🤎 You looked down to find her smirking at you, “What? Is there something on my face?” 

🤎 “No.” 

🤎 “Okay? What’s up, you stopped.” 

🤎 She held eye contact as she slid your shirt up just the slightest, lips meeting the base of your throat, “Can I go under your shirt?” 

🤎 Your pussy? Aching right now 

🤎 You nodded, stammering softly, “Y-yeah... sure...” 

🤎 She looked like a kid who’d just gotten a piece of candy as she pulled your shirt up over your breasts 

🤎 You weren’t wearing a bra, having taken it off earlier in the day because it was ‘too hot’ 

🤎 You forced your eyes away from her as you looked back up at the movie 

🤎 She took her time, kisses trailing down your breast, lips narrowly avoiding your nipples even as they ached in anticipation of being invited into her mouth 

🤎 You shifted slightly, releasing a soft breath the moment her tongue circled your areola 

�� She slid closer to you, slotting one of her legs between yours as your hand came back up to entangle with her hair as her mouth latched onto you, tongue drawing quick circles around your nipple 

🤎 You were wearing some biker shorts and one of her t-shirts while she wore a wife pleaser and some sweats 

🤎 The combination of her mouth on your breasts and the slight pressure of her thigh up against you was almost euphoric, especially considering how much you’d been needing a release lately 

🤎 She let out a chuckle as you started to rut your hips against her thigh, her hand sliding from your waist to grip and palm your ass as she helped you along, pulling you against her leg with every upward thrust of your hips 

🤎 The sound of you dissolving above, turning into a mess of little whimpers and whines with every second you drew closer to coming was all she needed as she showed attention to both of your breasts as evenly as she possibly could 

🤎 She didn’t release your nipple once you came, slowing your hips down against her 

🤎 It wasn’t until you tapped her repeatedly, panting softly as you stopped the movement of your hips with a breathy mumble of ‘wait’ that she stopped 

🤎 She kissed back up your chest, pulling your shirt back down, “Enjoyed yourself?” she teased. 

🤎 If it weren’t for you getting too sensitive so fast, you were pretty sure you guys would have actually fucked that day 

🤎 Regardless, there was no rush 

🤎 This leads to you guys’ actual first time together being almost completely hilarious to the both of you 

🤎 It’s full of giggles, whispers, and ogling 

🤎 When Sev sees you fully naked for the first time, you thought she’d actually short-circuited with the way she froze 

🤎 You burst into giggles, closing her mouth, “You always turn into a fly catcher around me, hotshot. Like what you see?” 

🤎 And boy did she ever 

🤎 She runs her hands over your curves, committing each part of you to memory 

🤎 It’s not serious for long though 

🤎 Well, it is because this is you guys’ first time having sex together, but also... it’s you and Sevika, you two can’t take anything too serious 

🤎 The giggles have returned once it’s Sevika’s turn to get naked 

🤎 This woman, I kid you not, decides that this is the time she wants to ‘try to be sexy like you’ by stripping 

🤎 She’s a mess of Magic Mike moves done half wrong because she spent most of that movie covering you in hickeys and whispering gay shit in your ears 

🤎 But the funniest part is how she struggles with each article of clothing 

🤎 She starts with her shirt but she ends up fumbling on the second button, stopping the sway of her hips to whatever music was playing in her head as she lets out a huff, looking down to focus on getting the button undone 

🤎 Amidst your snickering, you reach out to help her, but she smacks your hands away, “Just gimme a sec... almost... got it.” 

🤎 Next are her pants and oh boy- 

🤎 You’d swear her belt buckle was a rubik’s cube the way she struggled to unhook it 

🤎 Once she’s made it down to her bra and boxers your giggles die down- only a little bit because she’s still humping the air and making fuck boy faces at you (she calls it her ‘stripper smoulder’)- but your focus is 100 percent on taking in her body 

🤎 Sure, you’ve seen her shirtless before 

🤎 In the really hot summer months when the A/C is finnicky and all leaving the garage doors open at work does is make it hotter in the shop, you can find her either with the top of her work jumper hanging loose around her waist and shirtless, or at the very least in a wife pleaser that she’s constantly raising to wipe the sweat from her forehead 

🤎 Back to the present though 

🤎 You find yourself getting pretty hot- and wet- once her bra has been discarded (she kept fucking up with unhooking it, it would come undone just to get hooked onto the next hook over), anticipating the removal of her boxers so you can take in her full form 

🤎 She’s fucking dripping 

🤎 So are you, but who’s asking? 

🤎 The two of you are just taking in each other’s bodies, not really saying much as your eyes trailed over her from top to bottom and hers from your bottom to top 

🤎 She was practically towering over you where you sat on the edge of the bed, silently appraising your body with a soft reverence in her eyes 

🤎 She reaches out to lift your chin as she finally speaks, voice softer than you’ve heard it since she first clumsily confessed her love to you 

🤎 “You’re so unbelievably beautiful, sweets...” 

🤎 You gulp down a breath, answering shakily as your eyes traced up the scars littering the left side of her body to meet her eyes, “So are you...” 

🤎 That first night is probably the softest sex you’ve had in your entire life 

🤎 We’ve already discussed that girlfriend Sev is a huge fucking sap, but in the bedroom on that first night? Oh it’s even worse 

🤎 You think you might explode as she pauses for the umpteenth time to study you, her eyes drinking you in as if she’ll never see you again after this is over 

🤎 You lean up to press a kiss to the tip of her nose, whispering, “We don’t have to keep going if-” 

🤎 “No, I want to... ‘m just... I dunno what word I’m looking for I feel like I’m short circuiting...” 

🤎 You let out a little chuckle, pulling her into a warm kiss as you mumbled against her lips, “’S okay, baby... I know what you mean.” 

🤎 A few times you both end up giggling when you make eye contact, it’s cute and it’s you and Sev unapologetically 

🤎 When she finally makes her way between your legs, holding your thighs over her shoulders, she looks back up at you and you immediately burst into giggles 

🤎 She rolls her eyes, giving a quick little nip to your inner thigh as she looked back up, “Stop laughing or then I’mma laugh.” 

🤎 You held a hand over your mouth with another little giggle, shaking your head, “’M sorry, Sev, but I’m just...” You let out a little happy sigh as you looked back down at her, “I’m happy, okay? I’m not laughing at you, I promise.” 

🤎 She shook her head, placing a few kisses around your core as she mumbled, “You’re so cute.” 

🤎 You don’t even have time to offer a retort before her mouth is connecting with you 

🤎 You’re seeing stars, feeling fireworks, butterflies, all of the things as she drinks in your taste, savoring the feel of you against her tongue 

🤎 She lapping between your lips with slow and teasing strokes, her nose hooking against your clit perfectly with every upward stroke 

🤎 When you come, it’s euphoric, heavenly 

🤎 Sevika comes from the sound of you alone, your fist wrapping up in her hair as her name fell from your lips almost like a prayer 

🤎 She kisses back up your body, stopping to show some attention to your breasts before finally making it back up to your lips, “How was that, sweets?” 

🤎 “Y-you... yeah...” you breathe. 

🤎 Embarrassingly enough, you fall asleep before returning the favor, Sevika pressing soft kisses to your skin as she rubbed your hips and ass 

🤎 Sex from then on with her is a regular occurrence 

🤎 The next point of sort of awkwardness is living arrangements between the two of you 

🤎 Sev has mentioned that she doesn’t mind moving you into the penthouse with her 

🤎 You’re almost never at your own apartment these days, it makes sense 

🤎 Then comes the anxiety 

🤎 You’re pulling away from Sevika unintentionally as you start to freak out about moving in with her 

🤎 At this point you guys have been in a relationship for almost a year now and best friends for 3 and a half years 

🤎 Because of this, Sevika notices the change immediately 

🤎 Your kisses are shorter 

🤎 You’re spending the night less than usual 

🤎 You’re quieter whenever you are over her place 

🤎 It’s not until you walk in on her cooking without smacking her ass or giving her one of your playful little gropes as usual that she says something 

🤎 “Sweets.” 

🤎 You didn’t even look up from your phone as you scrolled through Instagram idly, “Yeah?” 

🤎 The sound of your government name is what snapped your attention up to her 

🤎 She hasn’t called you by your actual name almost since you guys have met, more often than not it’s always ‘Sweets’ or ‘Baby love’ 

🤎 Sev’s face when you do finally look up doesn’t make you feel any better either 

🤎 In fact, you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, anxiety skyrocketing as you wait for her to say something else 

🤎 “What’s going on?” 

🤎 “What do you mean?” 

🤎 She folded her arms, a hurt look all over her face as she points out how you’ve become stand-offish with her, “You’ve been being weird. And not my usual ‘haha, I like to freak out my girlfriend’ weirdo. You haven’t slept over in almost a month... are we okay?” 

🤎 Your heart breaks as you realize how in your head you’ve been lately 

🤎 You nodded, moving closer to reassure her as you took hold of her hands, “We’re more than okay, I’m just...” you let out a little sigh, looking away only for her to bring your eyes right back to hers. 

🤎 “Please...” 

🤎 “I don’t wanna fuck things up if we move in together.” 

🤎 “What do you mean?” 

🤎 “Like... what if you don’t like the way I load the dishwasher? Or what if being around me both at home and at work almost 24/7 gets annoying? Or-” 

🤎 “Sweets. You realize that we’ve been practically living together since before we even got together, right?” 

🤎 “Yeah, but-” 

🤎 You’re cut off by her lips against yours, shutting you up effectively before she pulled away, looking down at you as she speaks quietly, “Look, if I was tired of you or thought you were annoying, I would’ve never gotten so close with you in the first place. I love you, okay? And I promise you that the fact of my love for you is not gonna change ‘cause we live together full-time suddenly.” 

🤎 “Promise?” 

🤎 She pressed another kiss to your lips, holding your hips closely, “I swear to you. I love you, sweets. More than anything.” 

🤎 You guys move in together officially within the next month 

🤎 Your first Christmas as a couple is actually a small event 

🤎 Sure, you guys attend the company Christmas party as a couple, but before that you realize just how much you’ve rubbed off on her when she wakes you up at midnight to open your gifts- just like you told her your family used to do when you were younger 

🤎 You two are useless fucking lesbians I tell you 

🤎 You got each other the same gift actually 

🤎 Like the exact same gift 

🤎 The main gift was a pendant with both of your birthstones and your meetiversary (the anniversary of the day you two met) date engraved on it 

🤎 You both were a mess of giggles when you unwrapped the matching necklaces 

🤎 “You got this from-” 

🤎 “Kay Jewelers?” Sev finished for you, causing you to start laughing again. 

🤎 “I love you, Sev.” 

🤎 “Oh really? While I love you as well, maybe you should wait until I show you the other gift I got you,” she hints with an almost suggestive look. 

🤎 You’re ready to marry her on the spot when she takes you to the shop, showing you your next gift 

🤎 It’s a custom restored 1957 Cadillac Sedan Deville 

🤎 You jumped onto her, hooking your arms around her neck as you squealed, “Baby, you didn’t! Oh my fuck- I love you...” You whispered the last words into her neck as you melted into her. 

🤎 She simply chuckles, wrapping her arms around you as she presses kisses along the side of our face as best she can with the way you’ve tucked yourself under her chin, “Been working on it since last Christmas. You like it?” 

🤎 You answered her with a fat kiss on her lips, kissing all over her face sloppily as she held you up from you jumping up into her arms 

🤎 Safe to say that you guys spent almost the entire day leading up to the party fucking between every activity 

🤎 Just put the gingerbread cookies in the oven? You guys are fucking on the kitchen counter 

🤎 Just finished watching a movie? You’re fucking on the couch 

🤎 Oh, what? There’s a sprig of mistletoe in every room? Sounds like a fuck tour to me 

🤎 You guys don’t even stay at the party long because Sev wants to go and make love to make up for all the quickies you guys had that day 

🤎 So yeah, you guys spend your first Christmas as a couple fucking in between all the traditions you guys made as best friends 

🤎 Now let’s get on to some simpler things 

🤎 You’re the blanket hog, but Sevika doesn’t mind because she runs warm anyway 

🤎 If you guys aren’t going to work together or it’s an off day and one of you has errands or something you guys always part ways with 6 kisses- one to the forehead, one to each cheek, and three to the lips- an ‘I love you, baby’ and a bite 

🤎 You left to your mom’s place one time without giving her the playful bite she’d come to expect whenever you left and she was so pouty about it that you simply added it to the kiss routine 

🤎 Sev sleeps on the left side of the bed 

🤎 I have a theory that the people who sleep on the left side of the bed are the people who like to be up underneath their partner (Yes I sleep on the left) 

🤎 Sev has a double sink in her bathroom but whenever you guys are brushing your teeth or washing your faces it’s always at the same sink, Sev standing behind you with a hand on your waist 

🤎 Funny enough, but after you guys got together, Sev stopped doing most of the driving 

🤎 She enjoys being your passenger princess 

🤎 You’ve got her name embroidered in the headrest of the passenger seat of your car 

🤎 You keep a blanket, snacks, and cones stashed in your car for her at all times 

🤎 Speaking of which, yes, mechanic Sev smokes both weed and cigs 

🤎 Her cigarettes are Djarum black clove cigs 

🤎 She smokes Blazy Susan King Sized cones 

🤎 You don’t smoke as much as her, and honestly after the two of you got together, she doesn’t smoke as much as she used to either 

🤎 But boy when you two get high together? You two can’t stop laughing 

🤎One of your first times getting high with her you almost pissed yourself laughing at the way she said the word ‘spoon’ 

🤎 All in all, dating Sev is exactly what you expect dating your best friend to be like 

🤎 She’s.... the best thing to ever happen to you 

🤎 And you are the love of her life

🤎©️ All work belongs to sexysapphicshopowner. Do not use or repost my content in any way without my consent or permission. Thank you! 🤎

🤎 Taglist 🤎:

@certainlynotasimp @trafalgardvivi @love-sugarr @archangeldyke-all

[illicitlimerence-writes]

home | m. schumacher

pairing: mick schumacher x reader word count: 1.4k words request: yes/no, by an anon: "home stopped being a place when you entered my heart” & “is that my shirt?” “you mean our shirt?” with mick schumacher? thank you so much i love your work." i felt butterflies all the time as i wrote this. hope you like it!!!! prompt: fluff #1: "is that my shirt" "you mean our shirt?", fluff #5: "home stopped being a place when you entered my life". from this prompt list. warnings: sickeningly sweet fluff, will make you want someone to spend the holidays with. a/n: am i really writing a christmas fic in november? yes. yes i am. you're welcome to send in christmasy prompts for december!!! alsoooo, i'm sorry if you don't celebrate christmas, i chose it as the holiday because it's what i celebrate and am familiar with, and i wouldn't want to disrespect other holidays, religions or cultures by writing something that i'm not very familiar with and possibly offend anyone. not proofread!

my masterlist

your tired limbs protested as you stretched, your back arching off the bed. you let out a satisfied groan as you heard your bones crack, then moved to nuzzle your face in the pillow. your pillow moved, though, making you frown.

"did you sleep well, schatz?" a raspy morning voice made you open your eyes, you lifted your hand, meeting warm, soft, bare flesh.

"you're here!" you threw the covers off of your body and snaked your arms around mick's neck, pulling him towards you as you placed your lips on his.

he'd been gone for so long, you were sure this would be the first christmas you'd have to spend alone.

"who's that handsome fella?" you said as the facetime connected you both even though you were miles and miles apart.

"my name's taken," he played along, sending you a wink alongside a wide smile.

"good one." you said, flopping back on the bed. you caught up, he'd been busy between races, training, sim work, amongst other things.

"i have news, schatz." he said, and you sat up, the tone in his voice was serious.

"what's up?" you asked.

"i... i don't think i'll make it back in time for christmas," he sighed.

"oh..."

"yeah," he said.

you'd travelled to switzerland for the holidays. even though you'd been together for two years, this would be the first time you and mick would be together for these important days, but now, it seemed as though you would be alone in a cold, unknown city.

"well... will you be back for new year's?" you asked, looking for a bright side.

"i think so. i hope so," he huffed. you gave him a small smile, you didn't want to make him feel bad about things that were simply out of his control, so you changed the topic and asked about his day.

now, on christmas eve, you were the luckiest, happiest person in the world as you felt mick's hands pulling you close to him. he flipped you two over, you back hitting the sheets as he held himself up with his elbows. your held his face between your hands, fingers brushing over a recent scar on his left cheekbone. your eyes continued their journey up until you met his captivating sky-blue eyes. you let out a content sigh as you threw your arms around his neck and pulled him down with all your strength.

"i missed you so much," you whispered in his ear as he kissed his way down your neck, to your shoulder, then back up again, then to your other side.

"fuck, i missed you too, schatz. you have no idea how close i was to just throw everything away and getting back to you," he said, his lips climbing up your throat, your jaw, your cheeks, and finally, your lips.

you stayed like that, tangled up in a mess of sheets and limbs for hours. just talking, about anything that crossed your minds, like you were getting to know each other for the first time. you laughed between shared kisses and fell in love all over again in the span of a few hours.

eventually, your stomach demanded food, and you made your way downstairs, holding hands and giggling like teenagers. as mick prepared breakfast, you scanned the refrigerator and pantry for ideas on what to make for dinner. since you'd thought you'd be all alone you didn't go to the grocery store for a conventional christmas dinner.

you ate a simple breakfast, but it felt like the greatest feast on earth since mick cooked it. his hands never left your body. his thumb would play with your thigh as you ate, he'd lace your fingers together as you watched a movie, paint invisible lines and figures and letters on your back as you took a bath together. digits touching the delicate gold chain with a key charm hanging from it, a small 'm' engraved on the back. he had a matching one, only his was a lock with your intial on the back.

as the day slipped away between kisses, lingering touches and soft stares, the time to figure out what to eat for dinner found you both staring at the ingredients in front of you.

"spaghetti?" mick asked, you shook your head.

"there's no tomato sauce," you huffed, eyes roaming around. "sandwiches?" you proposed.

"no ham. or cheese," he said. you peered over his shoulder and into the fridge.

"pancakes?" you suggested. mick hummed, rummaging through the cabinets.

"well, we have everything we need," he said, looking at you. you nodded your head.

"pancakes it is,"

as mick mixed the batter, you began making some hot chocolate for you both.

"look at this," mick said. you brought your attention to him, he had a pan in his hand, a half-cooked pancake on it.

"oh, no." you laughed, taking a few steps back to avoid getting any pancake mix on yourself.

"have you no trust in me?" mick said, placing a hand on his chest, "you wound me," he continued moving the pan, making sure the pancake didn't stick to the surface. "here it goes," he said.

it landed perfectly. he put down the pan, throwing his hands up in celebration as you cheered for him. you walked closer to him, your cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. you brought him down for a kiss, only separating when you smelled something burning on the stove.

as midnight rolled around, you hugged him tightly, thanking him for getting back to you on time. you sat on the floor with mick, in front of the fireplace and the tree. all the presents you'd gotten for each other covering the hardwood floors. you took turns opening each of them, explaining the reasoning behind it. they ranged from small keychains and other random trinkets, to that one bracelet you'd liked on instagram and mick remembered.

as he grabbed the last box, a small red bow on top, he let out a shaky breath as you lifted the top.

"i know we've talked about waiting a few more months but... seeing you walk around like you own the place, like you've been here forever... makes me wish you'd never have to leave." he whispered as you stared at the shiny silver key in the box. "plus, you've got already got the key to my heart," he said as he moved your hair out of the way, grabbing your necklace with the key charm, taking it out of your sweater. instinctively, you did the same, holding the lock with one hand, the box with the other. "might as well give you the keys to my house," he smiled, his sweet eyes roaming all over your face.

"your home," you corrected, but he shook his head.

"home stopped being a place when you entered my life," he said, and the air left your lungs. "you are my home," he finished, placing a kiss on your cheek.

"you made me cry," you laughed, wiping the tears away with a smile.

"happy tears, i hope?" he bit his lip, your eyes drifted down. you nodded, placing your lips on his. "is that a yes?" he raised his eyebrows, you just nodded, your arms circling his neck as he pulled you to his lap. "from now on, what's mine is yours, your joys, laughs and aches are mine as well, we're in this together,"

"together," you repeated. "god, i love you."

the next morning, you woke up alone in bed. you stretched your arms and felt something thin, hard on mick's pillow. opening one eye, you saw a bright yellow post-it note.

'went to the grocery store! love you, xx'

you bit your lip, feeling butterflies inside your stomach. you hopped in the shower, washing away the remnants of your makeup. you put on a pair of grey sweatpants and one of mick's shirts. you didn't know if mick had ate anything before he left, so you went downstairs to prepare something for you both.

you thanked whoever created the heating systems, you didn't like having three different layers of clothing, but you did enjoy watching the snow falling outside.

the sound of the door closing caught your attention, you saw mick, wearing a giant jacket, carrying about five bags filled with your groceries, you rushed to help him.

"thanks, schatz. it's freezing outside, how are you not col- is that my shirt?" he did a double-take.

"don't you mean our shirt?" you lifted your eyebrows. he smiled, dropping everything and lifting you up, you squealed and wrapped your legs around his waist as he ran upstairs with you in his arms.

there truly is no place like home.

[mchalowitz]

the woman is the king, part three

summary: a throughline of the matriarchal scullys; be they ethereal, sharp-witted, and ill-omened.

i’m very excited to finally share this! definitely the most difficult part to write so far and i hope everyone enjoys it!

part 1: melissa / part 2: dana

part 3: emily

read on ao3

@today-in-fic

———

Two years on, sometimes Scully believes she will be able to survive without her other. A forgotten voice travels from immortal nirvana to her brother’s residential line. She wonders if what she tells herself is true. 

1994; the lost year that exists between them. On an evening in March, returning from a field assignment with Mulder, Melissa leaves a message on her answering machine that Scully can still easily recite. 

Things are too hard right now, Dana. I’m safe, I’m with friends in California. I’ll call soon. I love you.

Dana would never have been the golden child. No one surpasses a squid, especially not a fed with some shifty assignment. A shifty fed fares better than a filthy sinner. Charlie wears excommunication with unsweetened pride. And Melissa, the silly new ager, well, she could take no more.

No one thrives at the center of a Scully family scandal. Scully tries to create a rational narrative. It is 1994. Melissa is pregnant; she doesn’t want the baby. She knows plenty of people on the west coast. It was believable. 

Her beloved sister, Dana, is abducted, and in the four weeks she is missing, Melissa gives birth, and the baby is adopted. Dana resurfaces in a hospital; left practically for dead. Her sister returns to stand vigil at her bedside. 

It becomes a question of mindset. Maggie believes Melissa would have told her; Dana disagrees. Subversion of expectations was the ultimate sin for a Scully child as it was a denouncement of the parenting of William and Margaret. She can attest to her mother’s softening on certain expectations since the death of her father. She still disagrees. 

No time for sulking, only pushing through. Working the case through Christmas clearly infuriates Bill. He keeps it to hushed whispers and snide remarks out of Tara’s earshot. Scully often wonders how privy Tara is to anything going on in the Scully family. 

Her infertility stings when she looks at her sister-in-law. With her cancer now in remission, the other medicals horrors Scully faced start coming back to the surface. It is another slap; the thought that her sister gave away such a sweet little girl while she will never carry a child. 

Scully is a mother. She struggles to quantify what Emily is. 

Emily, a living and breathing child, with the face of a Scully, is a violation of her body that someone stole from her, and yet must be fiercely protected. Perhaps Emily is the missing piece. 

Scully hurriedly fills out the application for temporary custody. It consists of the normal, straightforward questions found on any application, until her hand is hovering over that box. Single or married. 

The only thing happening in sunny San Diego is a completely mundane family Christmas, as far as Mulder is aware. Her words froze during her singular phone call. It seems like reaching out now is more of a bombardment than a simple debrief.

Scully is not in a position to presuppose the enigmatic thoughts of Fox Mulder. Yes, it was by his own volition to marry her and she can even believe that Mulder does love her. It is a mutual respect and a fond devotion. It is not spousal love; not a man that loves his wife. 

If she checks the box, Mulder would have to be a father figure to Emily, and it is not her place to make that decision for him. Their marriage was playing house because she was destined to die and Emily does not deserve to be a flour-sack baby in their labyrinthian game. 

Her pen swipes across the paper. Single. 

--

Mulder starts with M. Mmm. Emily tells him so.

Emily leaves the crayons and paper to go to the bookshelf. Mulder is sitting in the chair by the window and she gives him the book. She points to the yellow bird on the cover.

“What’s his name?”

“I think that’s Big Bird,” Mulder tells her. 

Her Daddy only reads her one book at a time, Mulder reads her three. She goes to the bookshelf for more when Dana comes up close to her. “Emily, Mulder and I have to leave now, but we’ll come back tomorrow.” 

Emily looks at Mulder, holding the book, and he says, “I bet you can find a good spot to keep it safe.” 

She nods and sets the book against the bed, fixing it when it slides down. Dana and Mulder leave. A lady makes her pick up her crayons before dinner.

“I’m tired,” she insists, holding the lady’s hand on the way to eat. 

“First dinner, then bed, Emily.”

--

A duality develops in relation to another atrocity to her body. It is a swift punch to the throat; knocking the breath so deeply out of her lungs. It is also as mundane as adding milk to the shopping list; it is only another thing. 

Her brother’s phone line carries mysteries from one location to another. Landline abandoned, traveling well above the speed limit, Mulder drives toward the children’s home. 

“I could have handled it,” she asserts simply. 

“I know.”

Mulder, with his complexity of a hero, and innate ability to act so hoggish. Scully wonders if he really believes that. 

--

Her blanket at home is pink sparkles and has Barbie on the pillows. Emily doesn’t like her new blanket nearly as much. It’s just plain pink.

The lady from dinner tucks her in. “I met Mr. Potato Head,” Emily informs her. 

Emily doesn’t like the other kids in the new place, especially the boy that calls, “That’s not true! Mr. Potato Head isn’t real.” 

“Yes, he is!” she argues. She struggles to sit up with the blanket holding her back. “I met him and he looks like this!” She puffs out her cheeks, making the same face. 

“That must have been very exciting, Emily,” the lady adds softly, tucking her in again. 

The lights turn off. Emily closes her eyes. She feels cold. 

--

In the work Mulder does with Scully, it is often based more on speculation than he would ever like to admit to anyone. It disgusts him to know that if Emily were any other file in his cabinet, it would bring him joy to map out theories and spar with his partner over them. With the empty coffin staring back at them, Mulder can easily assume a thought is something neither of them want to enter their minds ever again. No hypothesizing to be done here. 

Following the funeral, the San Diego bureau fares slightly kinder than their city’s court system. Their California contact, while deeply apologetic for the tragedy that has occurred here, informs them the field office won’t be actively pursuing the case. Aside from following up on a few leads pertaining to the deaths of Roberta and Marshall Sim, it will likely be deemed a cold case. 

“I’m very sorry, Agent Scully,” the agent says, padding his final blow. Emily’s case will not be investigated either. Both Mulder and Scully understand the algorithm that goes into the decision of pursuing an investigation. If the case fell into the FBI mainstream, Emily’s chronic health issues, use of experimental treatments, and her parents’ full cognizance to the risks wouldn’t stand a chance against the process. 

And if there was anything to investigate, it has already been destroyed by powers far outside the reach of some dinky field office anyway. Whatever the reasoning may be, another Scully woman is still failed by the United States government. 

Scully wants the first flight out of San Diego back to Washington and he is more than quick to oblige her. While she very clearly loves the new addition to her family, the sting is just as obvious. 

Two hours down in the air, three more to go, and they have barely said a word to each other since take-off. Scully’s head is turned toward the window when he reaches for her hand. “Scully,” he speaks, very quietly. 

“No,” she responds with a shake of her head, her voice tight. 

Another long stretch of silence and Mulder thinks she maybe falls asleep, which would be a welcome cause for silence, because he isn’t convinced she’s slept more than an hour or two in days. He is about to request a blanket when her forehead presses into his shoulder and the contact reveals her body shaking with the exertion of holding everything inside yet again. 

It’s his fierce need to protect her always that causes him to envelope her body with his. Her arms wind tightly around his neck. Her attempts to muffle her sobs in his jacket is only partially successful. 

A flight attendant taps him on the shoulder and asks him, “Is everything alright?” 

“Everything’s fine,” Mulder blatantly lies. “But maybe we could get a glass of water for my wife.” 

It's a rare euphoria to speak those words; his wife. Dana Scully is his wife. A mostly unmentioned fact that gives him a childishly nervous feeling in his stomach. While it never retreated in his mind, it appears to be returning to the forefront of hers. 

In the winding process of applying for custody, a second application exists. Scully’s final plea to unite her with her own flesh and blood. Another document that states definitively that they are married. Mulder underwent a grilling from the judge; a practical bullying on the semantics of their marriage. 

One’s subconscious works powerfully, in his experience, and when he sat in this same position on Scully’s couch six months ago, the answer came to him so clearly. It wasn’t only for her benefit as a life experience that everyone should have the opportunity to have if they so choose; cancer only sped up the timeline of an inevitably. Mulder has never taken a mightier leap with her and she accepted. A singular score for Fox Mulder. 

It’s treated as though it never even existed; his presence in that way completely reverted. He wishes he had more of a chance to prove himself worthy. He wishes he was a less of pussy to actually do it. He will, he’s going to. If she is ever willing to forgive him for all of his transgressions. 

Mulder carried the knowledge of her ova and of what was likely (and now, very clearly) done with it with a heaviness that rivaled the many other weights he lugs around inside him. Scully’s hope for recovery was dwindling then and it was only another way to hurt her. 

It felt criminal to hijack her happiness when she went into remission and her bliss honestly fed his soul. Now, he only piles onto her pain. And if he was any kind of man, if he was someone deserving of someday being a person she would maybe, eventually, love for real, he would have been a lot fucking better. 

The flight attendant delivers a glass of water and a box of tissues on a plastic tray. He takes both and offers the glass to Scully. She scoots forward to the edge of her seat, her back straightened, and it reminds him of Bellefleur, and of that young agent in her red robe, and the fear of simple bug bites. It was the moment of cosmiticity bursting into existence between them. 

Scully sips water, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. His eyes never leave her for the rest of the flight. He drives her home under the glow of streetlights. 

“I can keep you company, if you want,” he offers after insisting he carry her suitcase inside for her. “Might even be able to catch a replay of the Rose Bowl if we’re lucky.”

“That won’t be necessary,” she replies. One hand holds the door and the other is braced on the frame; a universal sign to get lost told through her body language. “I’m going to take a few days. I already let Skinner know.” 

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she agrees. “Goodnight, Mulder.” 

“Goodnight, Scully.” 

Once the door is shut, he hears the lock click into place. It pains him to walk away. 

Mulder calls Scully in the morning as promised. He calls every morning after. It just rings and rings. 

--

No one is expecting her back in the office until Monday, but by Thursday it becomes increasingly clear that a return to normalcy is what she requires. Scully can only stare at California girls immortalized by ages in threes on her mantel for so long. 

She trades in her bathrobe for a beige skirt with matching jacket and she slugs down the last of a cup of coffee while she packs her briefcase. The landline rings in its cradle next to her hand. Her stockinged feet slide against the kitchen tile as she turns to answer.

“Hello?”

An unfamiliar female voice carries cheerily into her ear. “Hi there, this is Amanda over at Liberty Fertility Center. I’m looking for Fox Mulder?” 

"This is...” Scully starts, and then she pauses, staring up at the ceiling before answering with a restrained sigh. “This is his wife.” 

“I’m following up on a call we received from your husband earlier this week about a sample being stored at our facility and possible ova analysis. He left this as the call back number.” 

Scully clicks her tongue against her teeth, nodding slowly. She barely focuses on the conversation and when it ends, she retrieves the phone book, slamming it down on the table in place of her briefcase. She dials the first promising number in the correct category. 

Heat overtakes her melancholy. Scully is so, so tired of Mulder blanketing his wrongdoings under the guise of protecting her. It has always, ultimately, been her choice to walk alongside him; it was his choice to marry her. He still fills their partnership, their marriage, with secrets. He still withholds. 

She can only imagine what is being done to her ova sitting in some facility.  Mulder didn’t even have the decency to tell her any even remained.

Scully arrives at the office on Friday and Mulder is immersed in a sea of paperwork and photographs. It is only eight in the morning and he already has his jacket slung over the back of his chair, his sleeves rolled up over his forearms. 

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you until Monday,” he grins with surprised delight. 

Mulder follows her with his eyes as she steps up to his desk. She leans down, kissing him soundly on the mouth, and she observes his dreamy stare when they part.

“I need my ova, Mulder,” she states. Scully pulls a business card out of her pocket; the law firm she called the morning before. “And I want a divorce.” 

[rpdrficexchange]

Stuck (craquaria - mollyroll)

Summary: It wasn’t exactly love at first sight. It took a faulty elevator and a lengthy chat to realize how good they could be together.

A/N: Happy holidays everyone!! 

This was written for @tohkkis with lots of love, hope you like it <3 <3

I had so so much fun with the plot bunny

Thanks to missy and my lovely sis lena for the beta read!!

ao3 link - moodboard 

2303 words

&&& feel free to poke me at @aqmollyroll <3

Brianna had always had a soft spot for the Christmas season, even if she didn’t celebrate it. She was 5 when her mum first told her the meaning behind the phrase imprinted on her wrist in loopy, delicate writing.

Everyone is born with an inscription on their left wrist, a message that will vanish when their soulmate says the words to them. Their second half; their perfect match.

When Brianna was younger, her friends used to tease her for having an unusual mark. It was normal to have romantic phrases, but Brianna felt very proud of her words.

Have I told you how much I despise Christmas shopping?

It was a blessing to know roughly when it would happen. A hopeless romantic, every single year she waited anxiously for December, and was disappointed when January came along and the words remained unchanged on her skin.

This year was no exception. She had volunteered to cover the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day shifts at the coffee shop so her two other coworkers could have time off with their families. She didn’t mind, being the sole barista and cashier was exhausting, but helping her friends made her warm and fuzzy inside.

So when she dragged herself all the way home on the 24th, nearing midnight, she wanted nothing more than to eat her mother’s cooking and then slide into bed until the next day. In a single motion, she entered the elevator and pressed the button for the tenth floor. The doors were closing when out of the corner of her eye she spotted a figure entering the lobby, carrying a veritable tower of presents.

“Hold the elevator!” The girl was stumbling; the boxes in her hands obscured her vision and she was having a lot of trouble keeping them balanced.

Brianna didn’t think twice, she ran over, determined to help in whatever way she could. She took a couple of boxes off the top of the tower, enough so the other girl could see where she was walking, and helped her inside the elevator.

Once the doors closed, she turned to ask the other girl what floor she needed to go.

“Ten is good, thanks”

Brianna knew her. Her name was Aquaria, if memory served her well. She fidgeted where she stood, feeling inadequate in her stained pink unicorn sweater when Aquaria looked as though she had been ripped off the pages of Vogue. Both of them had grown up in the same building, the same floor, two doors down from each other, but they had never really interacted. Brianna probably knew her mums better than she knew Aquaria, and that was saying a lot.

The elevator had started moving by the time she sneaked a glance at Aquaria and found her looking at herself in the mirror. To tell the truth, she had never really liked the younger girl. She had always thought Aquaria was distant, self-centered, and haughty. When she left their small town some years back (“She’s going to be a model!” her taller, sweeter mum had once told her upon a chance meeting in the hallway) it only reaffirmed Brianna’s preconceptions about her. She thought she was too good for-

There was a hitch as the elevator climbed, then a shrill metallic sound. Suddenly, it shuddered and ground to a shaking halt. The lights turned off.

“What the fuck?!” Thumps echoed in the darkness as what Brianna guessed were boxes fell to the floor. Aquaria launched herself at the control panel, frantically looking for the alarm button.

“Uh… it won’t work…” Brianna bent to set the gifts she was carrying neatly on the carpet, then sat down. “The elevator maintenance crew was supposed to come this week but-”

Aquaria banged on the door, then groaned when, predictably, nothing happened. “You have got to be kidding me! Tonight, of all nights!?”

Brianna shrugged, then realized there was no point in the gesture. “I mean, we probably won’t be here for long.”

She heard the rustle of fabric, then a dull thud as Aquaria presumably slid down onto the carpet. Her eyes were still getting used to the dark when a flash of light dazzled her. Aquaria had turned on her phone. She fidgeted with it for a few seconds, then threw it into a pile of boxes in frustration.

“Could you call my mum? Your mum? Someone? Anyone?” Illuminated by the faint glow of her phone, Aquaria looked like she was going to cry.

Brianna knew her phone had run out of battery hours ago, but she hoped for a Christmas miracle. She pulled it out of her bag and, as expected, it was dead.

“I knew I should have bought a SIM card at the airport, fuck my life.” Aquaria half heartedly thumped her head against the floor length mirror behind her.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure we’ll be out in no time.” Brianna couldn’t find it in her heart to complain about being tired when the other girl seemed so distraught.

“I guess… urgh… it’s just been a long day.” Aquaria turned on her phone’s flashlight so they would at least have a light source.

“Same… long, long day.”

For years Aquaria had seemed like a stone statue, unapproachable and perfectly poised. Seeing her trying so hard to keep herself in check was weird, to say the least. She was human, after all. Brianna felt bad for having assumed so many things about her, it was unlike herself to think the worst of others but for some reason she had done so anyway when it came to Aquaria.

They spent a few moments in uncomfortable silence when Aquaria began talking unprompted.

“I took a red eye flight from Paris yesterday… I was hoping to surprise Mum and Mum for Christmas but… the flight was delayed and… I barely had time to buy some presents and…”

“I’m sure they’ll be delighted to see you anyway."

Aquaria rubbed her eyes, smudging her perfect makeup. "You’re probably right… sorry about that… Mum always says I run my mouth whenever I’m stressing too much about stuff…”

Brianna smiled what she hoped was an encouraging smile. “You’re really close with them, that’s sweet.”

“Not really, I only see them once a year.” Aquaria crossed her legs. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss them. I’m just so swamped by work I can barely have time off.”

“They probably like you better because they don’t see you as often.” Brianna’s eyes opened wide when she noticed what she had said.

Rather than take offence, Aquaria laughed. “I guess you’re right.”

“I mean,” still somewhat flustered, Brianna tried to correct her blunder, “if they’re anything like mine… my mum’s been pestering me for years to move out and get my own place already!”

Aquaria’s smile was really pretty. Prettier than she thought possible for someone with a resting bitch face.

“I remember seeing you around, I think. You’re from 1006 aren’t you?”

“That would be me.”

“Nice to meet you properly, then. I’m Aquaria from 1008.” She held out her hand and Brianna took it.

Fearing she would come off as creepy, she bit back an ‘I know’. Instead, she went for something simpler. “I’m Brianna."

—–

“So.. what’s your deal?”

They had spent several minutes in silence. Aquaria had been looking through her pictures, or something, Brianna honestly hadn’t been paying attention. She had gotten bored of inspecting her fingernails and had closed her eyes for what seemed like just a second.

“Excuse me?”

Aquaria shrugged. “Job, hobbies and whatnot. Small talk to pass the time. You can start… if you want to, I mean… I don’t know.”

“Uh, sure.” Brianna quickly rubbed sleep out of her eyes and shifted where she sat. “I work at a coffee shop three blocks down… nothing too interesting, really. I’m pretty sure you have better stories than me.”

Aquaria scoffed. “I might be a model or whatever, but that doesn’t mean my life is interesting. Mostly just routine, boring.”

“What brands have you worked with, lately?”

She seemed bored, like she had been asked that question a million times before. “Moschino-”

Brianna’s eyes were wide open. “Moschino?!”

“Yeah, we did a photoshoot for-”

Brianna gave a slight shove to Aquaria’s shoulder. “And that’s not a big deal?!”

Aquaria looked at a loss for words, she simply shrugged and changed the topic. More than haughty, she seemed clueless. Like she didn’t have a filter, and she didn’t realize the effect her words could have on others. It didn’t come out of maliciousness, rather ignorance. And that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“Uh, what do you usually do for Christmas?”

“Jewish. We don’t do Christmas.” Brianna shrugged. “I usually take on solo shifts though, to help out my coworkers.”

The phone fell out of Aquaria’s hands and they were plunged into darkness. She quickly recovered, fumbled with it, and turned the flashlight back on.

“Uh… is something the matter?”

“Y-Yeah… yeah it’s all good.” Her face was carefully blank, but her voice sounded panicked. “I-It’s really nice of you… to help out… your coworkers…”

There was something clearly not right there, but Brianna didn’t press it.

Conversation rose and fell between them. They talked about the holidays, traditions, family, fond memories… Sometimes things got too deep and personal, but Brianna found she didn’t particularly mind. It felt natural, talking to Aquaria, even when she barely knew her, she felt oddly comfortable around her.

There was something else about her, something that had changed in the short time they spent been together. It was something about the way she smiled like she knew something Brianna didn’t, how she played with her hair and looked at Brianna below her lashes. How she made Brianna’s mouth feel dry, and how her mere presence sucked all the air out of the room.

When she asked about past relationships, which would normally be considered a taboo subject for mere acquaintances, Brianna told her all about them, anyway.

“So you haven’t met your soulmate yet?” Aquaria all but purred, pointing with her head at Brianna’s exposed wrist.

“Uh, no.” She fixed the cuff of her sweatshirt over the inscription. It was far too dark for Aquaria to read the small print, but covering it felt appropriate.

“How do you want them to be?”

“I mean, I like the thought of having a fated soulmate.” Brianna was thankful for the low light that hopefully concealed her blush. Aquaria was flirting and it wasn’t fair.

“But if you could choose their traits, what would you wish for?”

“Well…uh…” She was far too distracted by the other girl slowly inching forward, “Openness? Uh… warmth?”

“Have you ever considered leaving this town?” Her fingers danced over her left sweater sleeve.

“Yeah but… why are you asking me all these things?”

“No reason!” suddenly flustered, Aquaria recoiled back to her own end of the elevator.

If she continued whatever it was she was doing, Brianna wasn’t going to survive this. And it would be entirely her own fault for maybe hoping that something might happen between them. She hadn’t exactly waited for her soulmate, having had a couple partners in the past, but it always felt wrong to hook up with anyone in December, when her soulmate was so close but so far away.

Thankfully, nothing further happened after that. They sort of drifted into a companionable silence, and eventually Brianna noticed Aquaria leaning against the mirror on the wall with her eyes closed, head slumped to a side, breathing relaxed.

She should probably get some shut eye herself. It had been a very long and confusing day.

—–

Neither woman knew exactly how long they’d been stuck by the time the lights finally turned on.

Brianna opened her eyes, blearily, to see Aquaria pull down on her own sleeves.

“Mornin’ sweetheart.” She smiled at Brianna as she nonchalantly stretched out her long limbs.

“What time is it?” Brianna was still feeling too sleepy to react further

Aquaria checked her phone. “Dead. I’d guess around 4am.”

The elevator started moving again, jerkily at first, then smoothly until they finally stopped at the tenth floor.

Aquaria had clearly spent some time awake already, she had stacked the presents lying on the floor into neat piles and seemed to be trying to figure out how to carry them out all at once.

As she lifted a couple boxes into her arms, she turned to Brianna.

“Have I told you how much I despise Christmas shopping?”

Brianna was stunned silent. Suddenly jerked fully awake, her mind had drawn a complete blank.

Aquaria didn’t notice, the doors opened and two blondes jumped straight in and hugged her, smothering her, fussing over her, and making her drop what she held in the process.

Brianna’s arms moved as if they had a mind of their own. She pulled on her left sleeve and-

It was gone. No trace of the inscription remained. The words she had grown to love had vanished in seconds.

When she finally came to, her neighbours were ushering her soulmate down the hallway, into their home and she would never see her again and-

“Aquaria?!” Brianna all but ran out of the elevator and tripped over something. She would have fallen flat on her face if someone hadn’t stepped in to hold her by the arm. (She hadn’t even seen the maintenance workers, looking amusedly at the scene in front of them. Or their tools, scattered about.)

“Yeah?”

“Would you-” she lowered her voice, suddenly self-conscious about yelling in the dead of night where everyone could hear her. “Would you like to hang out sometime?”

That was a stupid thing to say, Aquaria was gorgeous and popular, she had surely been asked out in better and cooler ways and-

She smiled.

“I’d love to!”

[phonaesthemes]

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

[strawbebyjam]

@arissayoo​, hey!!! it’s ur atiny christmas angel!!!!!!!! i thought that since you’d be getting to open a bunch of presents earlier in the day, i’d give you your gift a little later. recency effect, you feel? (definitely not a product of my procrastination, no maam, not here. we do not know that word.) i’m gonna be honest—this isn’t my best work. but i tried to write out something that you might like, so i hope you enjoy! i apologize for it not being too sappy or holiday-themed 🥺; i felt like that friendly, comfortable feeling was what worked best. please let me know if you’d like any changes! i hope the rest of your holidays go wonderfully~ (also, your pets are adORABLE oh my goodness…pls giv nala an extra kiss for me….)

LIL PLAYLIST!! 맘 편히 (comfortable). G2 ft. GRAY & Simon Dominic  //  dancing like butterfly wings. ATEEZ  //  i swear i’ll never leave again. keshi  //  LOVE?. ELO & PENOMECO ft. GRAY  //  she likes spring, i prefer winter. slchld  //  sims. Lauv  //  stay with me. ayokay ft. Jeremy Zucker

“I’m so sorry about this,” Yeosang says for the fourth time that minute. “I totally forgot what day it was. I was planning on getting my license before I moved out, but—“

Sira grins, nudging his shoulder with hers as she grabs her keys.

“Don’t worry about. What would I be doing otherwise? Road trips are fun.”

Yeosang glances between her and the garage of luggage on his left, opens his mouth to say something, but then turns back to the luggage to gape for a moment.

When he’s done with that, he looks at her again, eyebrows furrowing. He has somehow managed to look even more apologetic, and Sira lets out a breath that’s stuck somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.

“It’s okay, Yeo. I’m serious. I’m glad you’re with me and not some random moving dude who you wouldn’t even feel comfortable telling the address.”

“I would be totally —“ he starts, but after a second thought, goes silent. When he speaks again, he sounds solemn. “I would be totally screwed. Damn.”

Sira grins, dragging a few boxes over to the trunk, and Yeosang piles the rest into the back seats.

Once they’ve settled in, Yeosang having thanked her another five times, and Sira having asked him to connect his phone to the stereo in a futile attempt to calm his nerves, they finally start the drive to his new house.

That is, until Sira asks if they locked the door and Yeosang notes that their lunch is sitting on the patio floor. Neither of them realize the garage is open until they’re backing into it again without moving a finger. Then Sira heads in to lock the door and registers that the door isn’t just unlocked – it’s wide open.

She reminds herself to check in on Yeosang’s new place at least three times before every other trip. And to remind the other boys to remember to check in on him a lot. And then realizes she’s standing in front of the door, still open, muttering to herself. She shakes her head, widens and then shuts her eyes, then takes a breath and shuts the door.

Yeosang is grinning at her from outside the patio when she looks up, keys on a finger as he steps up beside his old shoe-rack.

“You forgot the keys.”

Sira blinks blankly as he slips past her and locks the door, then lets out a slow exhale and waves at the door.

“Bye, bud.”

She squints, head tilting the slightest bit, lips apart.

“Are you trying to be cute, or are you really gonna do that every time you move?”

Yeosang feigns a sad look, pouting, puppy-eyed, the whole lot, as he heads out the door (forgetting lunch again, Sira notes with a fond grin, grabbing it herself) and he pats the door as it shuts behind them.

“I’m really gonna miss the house. I did all my dumb university stuff here. Like use tuition savings on drones. And then play with the drones instead of studying.”

Sira clicks her tongue, buckling back into the car as he shuts the garage.

“And decide to move out on Christmas eve?”

Yeosang whines, pout back on his lips as he grabs a seat.

“I said I’m sorry. I thought it was November.”

Sira sighs, then nods, lips parting slightly as she backs out again.

“No worries. It’s also why everyone’s getting their gifts late, and why I’m gonna be on the road instead of staring at my beautifully decorated Christmas tree with my even more beautiful babies.”

“I’m sure the cats will be fine for a day.”

“You're forgetting Nala?"

"Not forgetting," he notes, smiling softly. "We both know she already misses you like hell, and we're just getting on the freeway now."

"Well that's reassuring."

He doesn't answer, just looking out the window, but a minute later, he’s slouching again.

“I really am sorry.”

Sira glances between him and the road, eyes flitting around before she declares,

“Every ‘sorry’ equals one episode of Goblin you have to sit and watch with me.”

Yeosang’s eyebrows furrow, head lilting to one side.

“Every sorry is an hour of time? That’s a little—“

“Your sorries are worth less than an hour of your time?”

“Well, no, but Goblin is bo—“

“Stop right there for your safety, Yeo.” When Yeosang looks up and notices the way Sira is trying to glare at him, then the road, then the rearview mirror, and then him again, he struggles to keep from giggling, but breaks off the sentence all the same. He can see a mirroring grin slip onto her lips too, but he pretends her facade's functional.

“Sorry,” he says, and then his eyes widen. Sira stifles a laugh herself, and in a matter of seconds, they’ve both dissolved into fits of laughter.

The rest of the ride goes quick, with Yeosang ricocheting through topics—calling to mind all the new songs he wants to show her, asking random questions about car insurance, and even trying to budget video game money. Sira drives, he talks, Sira listens, and then, somehow, they’re there.

It takes them a few hours to unpack, so despite their attempt at an early departure, by the time the apartment rooms are livable, the sun is setting. Yeosang hasn’t bought balcony chairs yet, so they sit on the balcony floor, clad in parkas and toques, and they keep talking.

When the sun falls past the horizon, Yeosang can see the way Sira stops halfway through sentences, blankly blinking before her earlier topic returns to her, and suggests they head inside—so they do.

Sira’s filter starts waning around then, and she declares, walking into the mostly empty living room, “This isn’t Christmas eve.”

Yeosang raises an eyebrow, and a half-grin rises onto his lips instantaneously. “Really? That’s great news for me. I’m about…” he trails off, pretending to count off something on his fingers. “8 presents behind.”

Sira shakes her head, laughing as she starts scrimmaging through boxes. “You need lights and stuff. Do you have any in here?”

Yeosang hums in thought before shaking his head, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“That’s three episodes so far.” Yeosang tsks, feigning a frown, but he can’t help dropping it for a grin when he sees the way Sira’s smile grows every time he slips up.

“Sorry. That was my bad. Sorry about that.”

She knows he’s messing around, so she stops counting, grabbing her phone and humming in thought.

“We can just watch the whole thing together, since you seem to love it so much all of a sudden. Anyways, it’s late. ‘m tired. Are the pillows in the car?”

Yeosang shakes his head, opening up a few boxes. “There’s some over here, with the blankets. Are two okay? Just one each?”

She nods and he drags over the box, grinning as he pulls them out. “My mom got these before I moved out.”

Sira’s fatigue is fairly visible at this point in the way she nods, pulling a pillow under her head and looking up at Yeosang with a slow-mo smile. Her blinks are slow, but her gaze lingers, steady, around his eyes.

“Mhm. Cute. Real—” a yawn.”—really cute. ‘m gonna sleep. Merry Christmas.”

Yeosang’s eyebrows shoot up, and he’s about to offer her some hot chocolate before he remembers he hasn’t bought a new microwave yet. He decides to just set the blanket over her, mutters a ‘merry Christmas’ back, and tries to keep from looking over at her too much.

It proves more difficult than he thinks – she takes her glasses off before sleeping most of the time, setting them aside neatly, but at the moment, they’re halfway down her cheek, sliding steadily. It's ... cute. He tries to pull them off as gently as possible but she groans and turns over anyhow. Setting them on a box, he grins back over at her before remembering again that she’s asleep and flushing, turning away to grab himself a pillow.

He's giving into temptation within the next minute — setting his pillow beside hers, sliding an arm under it, and letting his cheek rest on the pillow so they’re facing each other.

She looks so cute. He muses, still smiling. He feels dorky, but he doesn’t let himself worry about it too much, preoccupied. Really cute.

After some more silent contemplation, he decides that the jeans he’s in are pretty uncomfortable after his eyes flicker open with every movement around them, and decides to change into what he hopes Sira will accept as holiday-enough.

When he’s back after rummaging through his suitcase and then trying to find a laundry hamper, Yeosang slides onto the floor next to her. A hint of a smile sneaks past his lips and he mumbles,

“Thank you.”

There’s no answer – though it isn’t as if he’s expecting one. His smile only grows in the silence, and he finds his cheeks are warm again. He sets his elbow on the floor, cheek in hand, humming a familiar, unidentifiable tune under his breath. His eyes glide across Sira’s eyes, nose, mouth, hair, and then flutter shut. He grins sheepishly to himself when he finally works out a present he can get her in time for Christmas.

He doesn’t sleep too well, though, after his mind wanders through the different ways to share his feelings, and uses none in the end, but the embarrassed kiss he earns for his groggy confession is more than enough validation for him.

[fresh-outta-jams]

Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Part 9

Namjoon x Reader Author: Admin Mo Summary: You’re in college when your soulmate tattoo arrives, an address. Sending a letter couldn’t hurt, right? Note: Super sorry it’s been so long since my last update. Morgan and Morgan and I just got settled back into school with our new classes and everything, so I should have more time now that I have everything figured out. Warnings: Some swearing, soulmate fluff Word Count: 1.8k

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, Epilogue

Your new film classes were kicking your ass. Most of them were three hours long, so one of your greatest challenges in them was not falling asleep at eight in the morning or late at night. Your...distractions the previous semester had prevented you from signing up for your classes on time and therefore, you had the worst schedule on the face of the planet. You woke up too early, got home too late, and barely had time for naps in the middle. However, you did have a window for talking to Namjoon, which was about all you could ask for.

Somehow, it seemed like he got hotter every single day. You more than dreamed about him now; his face floated around your thoughts during your classes, his voice filtered through your earbuds as you walked around the snowy campus. It definitely soothed your pain at least a little bit, that and getting to see your face every time you unlocked your phone or got a call from him. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled breathed the life back into the very drained half of your shared soul.

“Baby.” Namjoon waved his hand to snag your attention. Your mind had been wandering again. “You okay? You seem sort of distracted today.”

“I’m fine, Joon. Exhausted, but fine. What were you saying?”

“I asked you how our Sims are doing.”

You burst out laughing. When you had talked to him a few weeks prior, you’d made the mistake of mentioning the Sims game you’d been plugging away at, creating a perfect little life with your soulmate. Luckily for you, there were several talented Simmers who had uploaded their own Namjoons to the Gallery, so you could just download one that looked pretty close to the real thing. (Even closer with a dimple mod.)

“Joon is a scientist now.”

“A scientist? I thought he was an actor.”

“Well, he was, but I want to try to contact the aliens.”

“Ah. Understood. How are our kids?”

“They’re doing great. Added some new rooms on the house, got them a bigger TV, and I’m thinking about putting in a pool, but considering that they’re vampires, maybe that’s not the best idea…”

He chuckled softly, shaking his head at the absurdity of the little world you had crafted. “Yeah, maybe not, then.”

“Oh!” You blurted, sitting up straighter as you remembered what had been on your mind. “I have a bone to pick with you.”

Immediately, his eyes widened and his face reddened. Whatever this was, he had a feeling it wouldn’t be good. But then again, he couldn’t remember doing anything that would upset you. “U-um, jagi-”

“Uh-uh, don’t you ‘um, jagi’ me. You have no right. You have NO RIGHT...to go around looking this fine, what the hell, Namjoon. Your hair? So fine. Your face? SO FINE. How am I supposed to keep the girls off of you at this rate?”

“Jeez, you scared me. I thought something was wrong.”

“Also, don’t think I don’t see you lurking on my Twitter, you creep.” You laughed, causing his face to flush an even deeper red. “I have like twenty followers total, so someone with the username ‘rm_fan_94’ is going to raise some eyebrows.”

“Is it my fault you ReTweet all of the BTS Tweets gushing about how handsome you think I am? Sometimes a guy needs a little confidence boost from his beautiful girlfriend.”

That was new. You couldn’t remember him ever using THAT word before…

“Did I say something wrong?”

“N-no, you just, uh, caught me off-guard is all.” You coughed, cheeks burning probably the brightest red they’d ever glowed before. “Can I get that one more time?”

“What, ‘girlfriend’?” Namjoon smirked softly, his dimples prominent. “Well, that is what you are, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” You exhaled a sigh, something warm settling over your heart. “God, I really am, aren’t I?

“Shit, I never asked, did I? That’s a thing in the states, right? I’m supposed to ask you to be my girlfriend?”

“Well, I mean sometimes that’s how it goes, but not always.”

“(Y/N),” he suddenly got very mock-serious, “will you be my girlfriend?”

“Let me think about it.” You laughed. He pretended to wait with bated breath as you ‘thought about’ your answer to his very important world-changing question. “Yeah, I think I will.”

“Awesome.” He smiled. Namjoon was about to say something else before he was interrupted by someone walking into his and Tae’s room.

“Namjoon-ah, breakfast.” You recognized Hoseok’s voice as he entered, his face lighting up when he caught sight of what their fearless leader was doing. “(Y/N)!!”

“Hi Hobi!” You waved excitedly, hyped to finally meet him after watching him in videos for so long. “Nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you too!”

“I’ll be out in a sec, alright?” Namjoon told him in Korean. Hoseok nodded and then waved one last time before leaving the way he came. He looked back at you and sighed, torn. Obviously, they were all really busy working on their next comeback, even though they were still coming back down to earth after the Christmas/New Year’s Eve rush. You knew time was tight, but you always ached when it was time to say goodbye. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, baby. I love you.”

“I love you too.” You blew him a kiss, and then he was gone, leaving you waiting for the next time you would get to see his beautiful face.

***

“Dear Namjoon,

I read your book. Cover to cover. Well, I guess because it was in digital format, from the top of the Doc to the bottom of it. And let me just say I am blown away. I’ve known you’re a good writer. You write the best letters ever, and also you literally write lyrics for a living, so obviously you’re good, but this was so much different than any of your songs in the best possible way. There’s so much character, so many heartfelt moments, but it’s also funny and lighthearted and then it tugs at your heartstrings. I ended up crying three times while I read it.

That said, there were a few phrasing things I noticed, and a few typos, but I think you’re way more fluent than you realize. I usually end up with waaaaay more mistakes in my NaNo books than you have in yours. I marked the ones I caught in pink and left some comments.

These new classes are killing me. My film analysis is boring and we have a pretty heavy workload. Not to mention it’s like three hours long. Draining isn’t the word. However, it’s not all bad. I still go to the K-Pop club and learn new things about you and the guys from all of my K-Pop-loving friends. One of them got me a Koya sleep mask for Christmas! They all know I’m super whipped for you (but they don’t know why, no worries!).

Did I tell you I have Moonchild set to my wake up alarm? Ironic, I know, but it’s my favorite song on Mono. You probably know that. I probably told you that. I don’t remember. I’ve kind of had a lot on my mind recently. I’m seriously counting down the days to spring break. My brain hurts so much, but hearing your voice and talking to you and looking at your face makes it a little bit better.

I love you so much,

-(Y/N)”

*** Namjoon had a plan. Granted, it wasn’t a very solid plan; he didn’t have all of the details worked out, nor anything scheduled, nor had he even asked permission yet. But, it was a plan no less.

Over the past few weeks, in your ongoing letter correspondence back and forth to each other, Namjoon had been collecting details, thinking through logistics, and going around to the camera crew and asking them some questions figuring that they of all people would have the answers to them. And for the most part, they did, and they were all very friendly and nice to talk to. Based on the conversations he’d had with them, it seemed like Part 1 of his plan would work out just fine. That left him to figure out parts 2 and 3.

Part 2, he figured, would be the second-easiest thing to accomplish. Actually, maybe the easiest, considering that Part 1 had required some digging and research. Whereas with Part 2, it was only the idea of it that was scaring him. In theory, actually pulling through with it would be easy.

So, once he had scraped together as much courage as he could manage, he went to the office of none other than Hitman Bang and knocked on the door.

***

“Dear (Y/N),

I’m sorry to hear your classes are so rough. I wish I could make it better. Thinking about you in pain pulls at my heartstrings in more ways than one. I really, really wish I could be there to comfort you somehow, but even then, I don’t think I would know how to fix the problem aside from supporting you and encouraging you to keep going because you’re almost there. Just a little longer and it’ll all be worth it.

As for my book...I’m super, super glad you liked it. Part of me was really afraid it maybe wasn’t as good as I hoped it was. We all have a tendency to look down on our own work, I guess, and sometimes we’re blind to our own mistakes. Thank you for helping out with mine, though. It means so, so much to me that you took the time out of your busy schedule to look over it and give me feedback. I’m also very sorry I made you cry. Thinking about that hurts me inside too.

I’m glad you’re having fun in your K-Pop club and making new friends and learning things! Just know that if you ever want to know ANYTHING, I would be more than happy to tell you anything you want to know. Also, I’m really sorry you have to keep me a secret, at least for know. Just know it won’t be a secret forever. Someday, you won’t have to hide who I am. I just hope that ‘someday’ comes sooner than it seems to be coming.

You definitely did not tell me Moonchild is your wake up alarm. God, you don’t know how happy that makes me. I’m glad you like it so much. Again, I’m so sorry this semester has been rough on you so far. And I’m sorry I couldn’t kiss you on New Year’s Eve. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you on Christmas morning. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry we’re so far away from each other. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get to you. I promise I will soon, though. As soon as I possibly can. Every minute I’m without you burns, and I know you feel it too.

I love you to the moon and back,

-Namjoon”

Tagged:  @iie-wakarimasen, @ffantasylandd, @jooniefluff, @chimchimsauce, @mrs-saeyoung-choi, @theprinceoftheundead, @angyexoxo, @copenhagenspirit, @lovelylittlekittn, @lilgaga98, @iminlovewjjk, @feed-my-geek-soul, @loveandwitch, @recoveringflowerchild, @demonic-meatball, @maddieisaacs, @scissorsandtonfas, @carirosesg, @backtonormalthings, @local-mochi, @faliwi, @spoopyela, @nanie5, @ingenu--e, @undiscovered1personality, @andalos, @calspixie, @filtermono, @huhuehuey, @mikey-girl12, @lilliaflurr, @hypophrenium, @sitkafay, @spiicyari, @andeerwilson, @btswerewolfaus, @oyasumi7

[suchagiantnerd]

48 Books, 1 Year

I was just two books shy of my annual goal of 50! You can blame the combination of my adorable newborn, who refused to nap anywhere except on me, and Hallmark Christmas movie season, during which I abandon books for chaste kisses between 30-somethings who behave like tweens at places called the Mistletoe Inn (which are really in Almonte, Ontario). 

Without further ado, as Zuma from Paw Patrol says, “Let’s dive in!”

1. Human Errors: A Panorama of Our Glitches, from Pointless Bones to Broken Genes / Nathan H. Lents

We have too many bones! We have to rely too much on our diet for survival! We suffer from too many cognitive biases! Reading about our design flaws was kind of interesting, but the best part of this book were the few pages toward the end about the possibility of alien life. Specifically this quote: "...some current estimates predict that the universe harbours around seventy-five million civilizations." WHAT?! This possibility more than anything else I've ever heard or read gives me a better idea of how infinite the universe really is.

2. The Fiery Cross / Diana Gabaldon

Compared to the first four books in the Outlander series, this fifth book is a real snooze. The characters are becoming more and more unlikeable. They're so self-centered and unaware of their privilege in the time and place they're living. Gabaldon's depictions of the Mohawk tribe and other First Nations characters (which I'm reading through her character's opinions of things) are pretty racist. The enslaved people at one character's plantation are also described as being well taken care of and I just.... can't. I think this is the end of my affair with Outlander.

3. Educated / Tara Westover

This memoir was a wild ride. Tara Westover grew up in a survivalist, ultra-religious family in rural Idaho. She didn’t go to school and was often mislead about the outside world by her father. She and her siblings were also routinely put in physical danger working in their father’s junkyard as their lives were “in god’s hands”, and when they were inevitably injured, they weren’t taken to the hospital or a doctor, but left to be treated by their healer mother. Thanks to her sheer intelligence and determination (and some support from her older brother), Tara goes to university and shares with us the culture shock of straddling two very different worlds. My non-fiction book club LOVED this read, we talked about it for a long, long time.

4. Imbolc: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for St. Brigid’s Day / Carl F. Neal

Continuing with my witchy education, I learned all about the first sabbat of the new year, Imbolc.

5. Super Sad True Love Story / Gary Shteyngart

This in-the-very-near-future dystopian novel got my heart racing during a few exciting moments, but overall, I couldn’t immerse myself fully because of the MISOGYNY. I think the author might not like women and the things women like (or the things he thinks they like?) In this near future, all the dudes are into finance or are media celeb wannabes, while all the women work in high-end retail. And onion-skin jeans are the new trend for women - they are essentially see-through. Gary….we don’t…want that? We don’t even want low-rise jeans to come back.

6. The Wanderers / Meg Howrey

Helen, Yoshi and Sergei are the three astronauts selected by a for-profit space exploration company to man the world’s first mission to Mars. But before they get the green light, they have to endure a 17-month simulation. In addition to getting insight into the simulation from all three astronauts via rotating narrators, we also hear from the astronauts’ family members and other employees monitoring the sim. At times tense, at times thoughtful, this book is an incisive read about what makes explorers willing to leave behind everything they love the most in the world.

7. Zone One / Colson Whitehead

The zombie apocalypse has already happened, and Mark is one of the survivors working to secure and clean up Zone One, an area of Manhattan. During his hours and hours of boring shifts populated by a few harrowing minutes here and there, the reader is privy to Mark’s memories of the apocalypse itself and how he eventually wound up on this work crew. Mark is a pretty likeable, yet average guy rather than the standard zombie genre heroes, and as a result, his experiences also feel like a more plausible reality than those of the genre.

8. Homegoing / Yaa Gyasi

One of my favourite reads of the year, this novel is the definition of “sweeping epic”. The story starts off with two half-sisters (who don’t even know about each other’s existence) living in 18th-century Ghana. One sister marries a white man and stays in Ghana, living a life of privilege, while the other is sold into slavery and taken to America on a slave ship. This gigantic split in the family tree kicks off two parallel and vastly different narratives spanning EIGHT generations, ending with two 20-somethings in the present day. I remain in awe of Gyasi’s talent, and was enthralled throughout the entire book.

9. Sweetbitter / Stephanie Danler

Tess moves to New York City right out of school (and seemingly has no ties to her previous life - this bothered me, I wanted to know more about her past) and immediately lands a job at a beloved (though a little tired) fancy restaurant. Seemingly loosely based on Danler’s own experiences as a server, I got a real feel for the insular, incestuous, chaotic life in “the industry”. Tess navigates tensions between the kitchen and the front of house, falls for the resident bad-boy bartender, and positions herself as the mentee of the older and more glamorous head server, who may not be everything she seems. This is a juicy coming-of-age novel.

10. The Autobiography of Gucci Mane / Gucci Mane and Neil Martinez-Belkin

Gucci Mane is one of Atlanta’s hottest musicians, having helped bring trap music to the mainstream. I’d never heard of him until I read this book because I’m white and old! But not knowing him didn’t make this read any less interesting. In between wild facts (if you don’t get your music into the Atlanta strip clubs, your music isn’t making it out of Atlanta) and wilder escapades (Gucci holing himself up in his studio, armed to the teeth, in a fit of paranoia one night) Gucci Mane paints on honest picture of a determined, talented artist fighting to break free of a cycle of systemic racism and poverty.

11. I’ll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman’s Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer / Michelle McNamara

McNamara was a journalist and true crime enthusiast who took it upon herself to try and solve the mystery of the Golden State Killer’s identity. Amazingly, her interest in this case also sparked other people’s interest in looking back at it, eventually leading to the arrest of the killer (though tragically, McNamara died a few months before the arrest and would never know how her obsession helped to capture him). This is a modern true crime classic and a riveting read.

12. A Great Reckoning / Louise Penny

The 12th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series sees our hero starting a new job teaching cadets at Quebec’s police academy. Of course, someone is murdered, and Gamache and his team work to dig the rot out of the institution, uncovering a killer in the process.

13. Any Man / Amber Tamblyn

Yes, this novel is by THAT Amber Tamblyn, star of “The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants”! Anyway, this book is a tad bit darker, and follows five men who’ve been victimized by the female serial rapist, who calls herself Maude. Going into this read I though that it might be some sort of revenge fantasy, but dudes, not to worry - we really feel awful for the male victims and see them in all their complexity. Perhaps, if more men read this book, they might better understand the trauma female and non-binary victims go through? That would require men to read books by women though. Guys? GUYS???

14. Ostara: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for the Spring Equinox / Kerri Connor

Yet another witchy read providing more information about this Spring sabbat. 

15. Scarborough / Catherine Hernandez

This novel takes place in OUR Scarborough! Following the lives of a number of residents (adults and children alike), the plot centres around the families attending an Ontario Early Years program as well as the program facilitator. Hernandez looks at the ways poverty, mental illness, addiction, race, and homophobia intersect within this very multicultural neighbourhood. It’s very sad, but there are also many sweet and caring moments between the children and within each of the families.

16. The Glitch / Elisabeth Cohen

Shelley Stone (kind of a fictional Sheryl Sandberg type) is the CEO of Conch, a successful Silicon Valley company. Like many of these over-the-top real-life tech execs, Shelley has a wild schedule full of business meetings, exercise, networking and parenting, leaving her almost no time to rest. While on an overseas business trip, she meets a younger woman also named Shelley Stone, who may or may not be her younger self. Is Shelley losing it? This is a dark comedy poking fun at tech start-up culture and the lie that we can have it all.

17. The Thirteenth Tale / Diane Setterfield

This is my kind of book! A young and inexperienced bookworm is handpicked to write the biography of an aging famous author, Vida Wynter. Summoned to her sprawling country home around Christmastime, the biographer is absolutely enthralled by Vida’s tales of a crumbling gothic estate and an eccentric family left too long to their own whims. Looking for a dark, twisty fairytale? This read’s for you.

18. Love & Misadventure / Lang Leav

Leav’s book of poems looked appealing, but for me, her collection fell short. I felt like I was reading a teenager’s poetry notebook (which I’m not criticizing, I love that teen girls write poetry, and surprise, surprise - so did I - but I’m too old for this kind of writing now).

19. Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows / Balli Kaur Jaswal

Hooo boy, my book club loved this one! Hoping to get a job more aligned with her literary interests, Nikki, the 20-something daughter of Indian immigrants to Britain, takes a job teaching writing at the community centre in London’s biggest Punjabi neighbourhood. The students are all older Punjabi women who don’t have much to do and because of their “widow” status have been somewhat sidelined within their community. Without anyone around to censor or judge them, the widows start sharing their own erotic fantasies with each other, each tale wilder than the last. As Nikki gets to know them better, she gains some direction in life and starts a romance of her own. (It should be noted that in addition to this lovely plot, there is a sub plot revolving around a possible honour killing in the community. For me, the juxtaposition of these two plots was odd, but not odd enough that it ruined the book.)

20. Beltane: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for May Day / Melanie Marquis

Beltane marks the start of the summer season in the witches’ year, and I learned all about how to ring it in, WITCH STYLE.

21. Summer of Salt / Katrina Leno

This book is essentially Practical Magic for teens, with a queer protagonist. All that to say, it’s enjoyable and sweet and a win for #RepresentationMatters, but it wasn’t a surprising or fresh story.

22. Too Like the Lightning / Ada Palmer

This is the first in the Terra Ignota quartet of novels, which is (I think) speculative fiction with maybe a touch of fantasy and a touch of sci-fi and a touch of theology and certainly a lot of philosophical ruminating too. I both really enjoyed it and felt so stupid while reading it. As a lifelong bookworm who doesn’t shy away from difficult reads, I almost never feel stupid while reading, but this book got me. The world building is next level and as soon as you think you’ve found your footing, Palmer pulls the rug out from under you and you’re left both stunned and excited about her latest plot twist. Interested in finding out what a future society grouped into ‘nations’ by interests and passions (instead of geographical borders and ethnicity) might be like? Palmer takes a hearty stab at it here.

23. The Trauma Cleaner: One Woman’s Extraordinary Life in the Business of Death, Decay and Disaster / Sarah Krasnostein

When Sarah Krasnostein met Sandra Pankhurst, she knew she had to write her biography (or something like it - this book is part biography, part love letter, part reckoning). And rightly so, as Sandra has led quite a life. She grew up ostracized within her own home by her immediate family, married and had children very young, came out as a trans woman and begin living as her authentic self (but abandoning her own young family in the process), took to sex work and lived through a vicious assault, married again, and started up her own successful company cleaning uncleanable spaces - the apartments of hoarders, the houses of recluses, the condos in which people ended their own lives. Sandra is the definition of resilience, but all her traumas (both the things people have done to her and the things she’s done to others) have left their mark, as Krasnostein discovers as she delicately probes the recesses of Sandra’s brain.

24. Becoming / Michelle Obama

My favourite things about any memoir from an ultra-famous person are the random facts that surprise you along the way. In this book, it was learning that all American presidents travel with a supply of their blood type in the event of an assassination attempt. I mean OF COURSE they would, but that had never occurred to me. I also appreciated Michelle opening up about her fertility struggles, the difficult decision to put her career on hold to support Barack’s dreams, and the challenge of living in the spotlight with two young children that you hope to keep down to earth. Overall, I think Michelle was as candid as someone in her position can be at this point in her life.

25 and 26. Seven Surrenders, The Will to Battle / Ada Palmer

I decided to challenge myself and stick with Palmer’s challenging Terra Ignota series, also reading the second and third instalments (I think the fourth is due to be released this year). I don’t know what to say, other than the world-building continues to be incredible and this futuristic society is on the bring of something entirely new.

27. Even Vampires Get the Blues / Kate MacAlister

This novel wins for “cheesiest read of the year”. When a gorgeous half-elf detective (you read that right) meets a centuries-old sexy Scottish vampire, sparks fly! Oh yeah, and they’re looking for some ancient thing in between having sex.

28. A Case of Exploding Mangoes / Mohammed Hanif

A piece of historical fiction based on the real-life suspicious plane crash in 1988 that killed many of Pakistan’s top military brass, this novel lays out many possible culprits (including a crow that ate too many mangoes). It’s a dark comedy taking aim at the paranoia of dictators and the boredom and bureaucracy of the military (and Bin Laden makes a cameo at a party).

29. Salvage the Bones / Jesmyn Ward

This novel takes place in the steaming hot days before Hurricane Katrina hits the Mississippi coast. The air is still and stifling and Esch’s life in the small town of Bois Sauvage feels even more stifled. Esch is 14 and pregnant and hasn’t told anyone yet. Her father is a heavy drinker and her three brothers are busy with their own problems. But as the storm approaches, the family circles around each other in preparation for the storm. This is a jarring and moving read made more visceral by the fact that the author herself survived Katrina. It’s also an occasionally violent book, and there are particularly long passages about dog-fighting (a hobby of one of the brothers). The dog lovers in my book club found it hard to get through, consider this your warning!

30. Everything’s Trash, But It’s Okay / Phoebe Robinson

A collection of essays in the new style aka writing multiple pages on a topic as though you were texting your best friend about it (#ImFineWithThisNewStyleByTheWay #Accessible), Robinson discusses love, friendship, being a Black woman in Hollywood, being plus-ish-size in Hollywood, and Julia Roberts teaching her how to swim (and guys, Julia IS as nice in real life as we’d all hoped she was!) Who is Robinson? Comedy fans will likely know her already, but I only knew her as one of the stars of the Netflix film Ibiza (which I enjoyed). This is a fun, easy read!

31. Midsummer: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Litha / Deborah Blake

After reading this book, I charged my crystals under the midsummer sun!

32. Fingersmith / Sarah Waters

So many twists! So many turns! So many hidden motives and long-held secrets! Think Oliver Twist meets Parasite meets Lost! (Full disclosure, I haven’t seen Parasite yet, I’m just going off all the chatter about it). Sue is a con artist orphan in old-timey London. When the mysterious “Gentleman” arrives at her makeshift family’s flat with a proposal for the con of all cons, Sue is quickly thrust into a role as the servant for another young woman, Maud, living alone with her eccentric uncle in a country estate. As Sue settles into her act, the lines between what she’s pretending at and what she’s really feeling start to blur, and nothing is quite what it seems. This book is JUICY!

33. Rest Play Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One) / Deborah MacNamara, PhD

I read approximately one parenting book a year, and this was this year’s winner. As my eldest approached her third birthday, we started seeing bigger and bigger emotions and I wasn’t sure how to handle them respectfully and gently. This book gave me a general roadmap for acknowledging her feelings, sitting through them with her, and the concept of “collecting” your child to prevent tantrums from happening or to help calm them down afterward. I’ll be using this approach for the next few years!

34. Lughnasadh: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Lammas / Melanie Marquis

And with this read, I’ve now read about the entire witch’s year. SO MOTE IT BE.

35. In Cold Blood / Truman Capote

How had I not read this until now? This true-crime account that kicked off the modern genre was rich in detail, compassionate to the victims, and dug deep into the psyche of the killers. The descriptions of the midwest countryside and the changing seasons also reminded me of Keith Morrison’s voiceovers on Dateline. Is Capote his inspiration?

36. I’m Afraid of Men / Vivek Shraya

A quick, short set of musings from trans musician and writer Shraya still packs an emotional punch. She writes about love and loss, toxic masculinity, breaking free of gender norms, and what it’s like to exist as a trans woman.

37. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You / Elaine N. Aron, PhD

Having long thought I might be a highly sensitive person (lots of us are!), I decided to learn more about how to better cope with stressful situations when I don’t have enough alone time or when things are too loud or when I get rattled by having too much to do any of the other myriad things that shift me into panic mode. Though some of the advice is a bit too new-agey for me (talking to your inner child, etc), some of it was practical and useful.

38. Swamplandia! / Karen Russell

The family-run alligator wrestling theme park, Swamplandia, is swimming in debt and about to close. The widowed father leaves the everglades for the mainland in a last-ditch attempt to drum up some money, leaving the three children to fend for themselves. A dark coming-of-age tale that blends magic realism, a ghost story, the absurd and a dangerous boat trip to the centre of the swamplands, this novel examines a fractured family mourning its matriarch in different ways.

39. A Mind Spread Out on the Ground / Alicia Elliott

This is a beautiful collection of personal essays brimming with vulnerability, passion, and fury. Elliott, the daughter of a Haudenosaunee father and a white mother, shares her experiences growing up poor in a family struggling with mental illness, addiction and racism. Topics touch on food scarcity, a never-ending battle with lice, parenthood and the importance of hearing from traditionally marginalized voices in literature. 

40. Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay / Elena Ferrante

The third novel in Ferrante’s Neapolitan quartet sees Elena and Lila move from their early twenties into their thirties and deal with a riot of issues - growing careers, changing political beliefs, the challenges of motherhood and romantic relationships, and existing as strong-willed, intelligent women in 1960s and 70s Italy. I’ll definitely finish the series soon.

41. Half-Blood Blues / Esi Edugyan

A small group of American and German jazz musicians working on a record find themselves holed up in Paris as the Germans begin their occupation in WW2. Hiero, the youngest and most talented member of the group, goes out one morning for milk and is arrested by the Germans, never to be heard from again. Fifty years later, the surviving members of the band go to Berlin for the opening night of a documentary about the jazz scene from that era, and soon find themselves on a road trip through the European countryside to find out what really became of Hiero all those years ago. Edugyan’s novel is a piercing examination of jealousy, ambition, friendship, race and guilt. And features a cameo by Louis Armstrong!

42. A Serial Killer’s Daughter: My Story of Faith, Love and Overcoming / Kerri Rawson

So Brad and I had just finished watching season 2 of Mindhunter, and as I browse through a neighbourhood little library, I spot this book and the serial killer in question is the BTK Killer! Naturally, I had to read it. What I didn’t realize is that this is actually a Christian book, so Rawson does write a lot about struggling with her belief in God and finding her way back to Him, etc. But there are also chapters more fitting with the true crime and memoir genres that I equally enjoyed and was creeped out by.

43. The Night Ocean / Paul La Farge

This is another book that made me feel somewhat stupid as a reader. I just know there are details or tidbits that completely went over my head that would likely enrich a better reader’s experience. In broad strokes, the novel is about a failed marriage between a psychiatrist and a writer who became dangerously obsessed with H.P. Lovecraft and the rumours that swirled around him and his social circle. The writer’s obsession takes him away from his marriage and everything else, and eventually it looks like he ends his own life. The psychiatrist is doubtful (no body was found) and she starts to follow him down the same rabbit hole. At times tense, at times funny, at times sad, I enjoyed the supposed world of Lovecraft and his fans and peers, but again, I’m sure there are deeper musings here that I couldn’t reach.

44. Glass Houses / Louise Penny

The 13th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series sees our hero taking big risks to fight the opioid crisis in Quebec. He and his team focus on catching the big crime boss smuggling drugs across the border from Vermont, endangering his beloved town of Three Pines in the process. 

45. The Bone Houses / Emily Lloyd-Jones

My Halloween read for the year, this dark fairytale of a YA novel was perfect for the season. Since her parents died, Ryn has taken over the family business - grave digging - to support herself and her siblings. As the gravedigger, she knows better than most that due to an old curse, the dead in the forest surrounding her village don’t always stay dead. But as more of the forest dead start appearing (and acting more violently than usual), Ryn and an unexpected companion (yes, a charming young man cause there’s got to be a romance!) travel to the heart of the forest to put a stop to the curse once and for all.

46. The Witches Are Coming / Lindy West

Another blazing hot set of essays from my favourite funny feminist take on Trump, abortion rights, #MeToo, and more importantly Adam Sandler and Dateline. As always, Lindy, please be my best friend?

47. Know My Name / Chanel Miller

This memoir is HEAVY but so, so needed. Recently, Chanel Miller decided to come forward publicly and share that she was the victim of Brock Turner’s sexual assault. She got the courage to do so after she posted her blistering and beautiful victim impact statement on social media and it went viral. Miller’s memoir is a must-read, highlighting the incredible and awful lengths victims have to go to to see any modicum of justice brought against their attackers. Miller dealt with professional ineptitude from police and legal professionals, victim-blaming, victim-shaming, depression and anxiety, the inability to hold down a job, and still managed to come out the other side of this trial intact. And in the midst of all the horror, she writes beautifully about her support system - her family, boyfriend and friends - and about the millions of strangers around the world who saw themselves in her experience.

48. Christmas Ghost Stories: A Collection of Winter Tales / Mark Onspaugh

Ghosts AND Christmas? Yes please! This quirky collection features a wide array of festively spooky tales. You want the ghost of Anne Boleyn trapped in a Christmas ornament? You got it! What about the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future drinking together in a bar? Yup, that’s here too! 

__

So, what were my top picks of the year, the books that stuck with me the most? In no particular order:

Educated

Homegoing

The Wanderers

Know My Name

Scarborough

[thespacehairandthespaceidiot]

1 - 19

Nat. You I hate you. But I love you. Ok, strap in. this will get a little long. Everything has wasn’t asked already.

1. Babyfic

Matt and Alex have a one night stand. Go their separate ways. She very surprisingly ends up pregnant. After a few more weeks, they meet for lunch. She tells him. He doesnt believe her at first but then is stoked. She’s worried about a lot of obvious things but cautiously excited. He wants to be around for the baby but also her, she’s not so sure. He promises to convince her to let them be a proper family. It kinda goes from there. It’s mostly in note form right now, but a good bit of it is pretty well mapped out. And the concept has been done a million times before but I’ve wanted to put my own spin on it for a long time. Maybe some day I’ll get around to it. We’ll see. 

2. Big Finish

Someone on here sent me a prompt after I asked for them (I don’t remember who rn, but I still have the email with the notification saved somewhere) to write Matt and Alex being reunited to record a Big Finish series together. They haven’t seen each other for a long while and all the pent up emotions and sexual tension come to a head in their off hours. They spend some time together and old feelings come spilling out and things get hot. Probably leading to extra flirty banter in the recording booth and hoping other people cant tell they’ve brought fiction into the world of reality. 

5. Luggage

Matt and Alex, traveling with the rest of the cast and crew to film in Utah, get off the plane, both exhausted beyond measure, and end up taking the other person’s luggage back to the hotel with them by mistake. Once Matt gets there, he goes rifling through what he thinks is his bag for a pair of joggers to change into and instead pulls out a number of things rather more frilly and battery operated than he was expecting to find. His mind, understandably, goes a bit haywire and suddenly, sleep is the last thing n his mind. 

(A bunch more under the cut)

6. MattexJournal

Matt has keep keeping a journal with stories he’s written about he and Alex, mostly of the filthy variety. After a night of running lines and an enjoyable dinner at Alex’s flat with the Team Tardis foursome the night before, Matt wakes up and can’t find the journal anywhere, soon realizing with dawning horror that  it must have dropped out of his bag and been left in Alex’s flat. He contemplates with dread having to go back to ask for his notebook back, but little does he know that Alex has already found and accidentally read enough to know exactly what is between the pages. 

7. MattexSims

This one is very cracky. Alex gets called back to set on a day the cast was supposed to have off. Matt volunteers to sit with Salome while she’s gone. But Sal is a kid who doesn’t need much supervising, content to sit on her computer and play the sims for the afternoon. Matt, never one for video games, asks her to show him what the game is about. When he realizes how easily you can play out your own stories with whatever people or characters you want, he gets the idea to make characters of him and his coworkers as a bit of a laugh. But soon he finds himself strting to play out a very not-true-to-life game with his and Alex’s characters that makes him start thinking about how to bring them to life. He just hopes Alex never finds out what he’s been doing with his very limited spare time. 

8. Moving

Matt has just moved into a new neighborhood. On his first night in his new house, he heads to his room to get ready for bed and can’t help but notice that he has a very clear view from his window into the bedroom of the woman next door and that she has the shocking habit of walking around her bedroom in the nude, despite there being no curtains on the window. There hadn’t been a car in front of her house all day, so she might not know the long-empty house next door has anyone living in it just yet. But when she shows up at his door a couple of  days later to welcome him to the neighborhood, he doesn’t know whether or how to mention the nightly show she’s been giving him without making her never want to face him again. 

9. Olympics

Ok this is also slightly cracky. I read an article during the last summer Olympics about how sex-crazed Olympic Village always is and how they organizers give out like 100,000 condoms to the competitors during the span of the event. So when Alex, the older equestrian likely competing in her last Olympics, gets dragged out to the party scene after a busy events and meets Matt Smith, the awkward but enticing 18 year old up and coming football star, she finds him a little hard to resist. A one night stand in Olympic Village with a much younger competitor is one thing, but in the light of day, when he wants to continue seeing her, how can she allow herself to indulge him when both of them have have the competitions of their lives ahead of them? And what happens if, when the end of the Olympics come, neither one of them feel capable of stopping?

10. Online Dating

I think I’ve explained this on here before but I have no idea where. Alex is convinced by her sister after a girl’s night in to set up a dating profile for herself on a site that keeps i’s users completely anonymous. No names, no pictures, no identifying information. Just good, old fashioned person-to-person talking and personality quizzes to determine compatibility. She indulges her sister but has no plan to actually speak to anyone on the site, especially as she’s heading back to Cardiff shortly to film a few more epidodes for Who. Until one message comes through from a very highly-compatible match who stands out from the boring or creepy messages she’s gotten so far. Meanwhile, back in Cardiff, Matt hears about the same site, and tired of random hook ups with women whose last names he doesn’t know or care about and relationships that head nowhere, decides to join up. He’s quickly disillusioned by it, until he comes across one woman who makes him think this idea wasn’t a complete waste of time. As the two start messaging each other back and forth, getting to know each other, they slowly starting to fall for the mysterious strangers on the other side of the computer screen. It’s too bad both are also contending with the enticing costar they see a work every day in addition to their new secret penpals. How do you reconcile feelings for two different people when one is unattainable and the other is someone who may never live up to the expectation you’ve built up in your head?

11. OverlookCaught

Matt and Alex have been together for a couple of years now, but they’re still very much a secret from the general public. They’re at a convention together and when they find themselves alone for a few moments, Matt can’t help but get a little closer than they’re allowed in public. She’s knows it’s a bad idea- who knows when someone might walk in?-but she cant resist giving into his affections for just a minute. When they head off to the last event of the convention, they think they got away with their little moment together but when video leaks online of her and Matt kissing just minutes before, all hell breaks loose. Suddenly the romantic weekend alone they planned after the con becomes about PR management and hard reconsiderations about the so-far rock solid relationship they’ve built together. This is what I’m actively working on right now. It was meant to be something short to get me back in the swing of writing but it’s a little longer than I planned. Still under control through and should be done soon. 

12. Pornstar AU

Matt and Alex are both relatively new actors working in the porn industry, disillusioned after their proper acting careers both failed to take off. When they get the assignment to make a film together, it’s just another job. But after filming their first sex scene together on day one, Matt recognizes Alex as his old drama teacher back home that he used to fantasize about. When he reminds her that they used to know each other, they leave set and grab dinner to catch up. Before they know it, they’re bringing the steamy sex scenes from work back home with them and falling hard for their screen partner. This was something @beware-my-sting and i were working on together. It’s fallen by the wayside for now, but who knows if one or both of us will get our shit together to continue it? Hopefully lol. 

13. Proposal

It’s their anniversary and Matt plans on popping on the question. He wants everything to go exactly right to give himself the best chance of getting Alex to say yes, but he’s worrying himself frantic and not much seems to be going right. 

14. Proposal/Meet the Family

It’s Christmas and Matt has been planning to propose. They’re in a pretty great place and he thinks he’s broken through Alex’s defenses enough that he’s not super worried about getting a no. But a last minute change of plans has them spending the holiday with his family. Who don’t yet know about Alex. So while he’s introducing his much older, long-term secret girlfriend to his rather surprised family, he’s also getting ready to make the biggest commitment of his life. He just hopes the weekend goes well enough to not ruin his plans of a happy life with Alex or his hopes of a close relationship between her and his family. The awkwardness and stress may be getting to him just a bit. I love fics that incorporate either of their families and the probably likely reality that the relationship would take a little getting used to by their relatives, but also don’t like ones when things are actually hostile between them. This will be written with them being confused and very concerned and awkward about everything but no one will be being mean to Alex. Cuz i hate that. 

16. StolenTardisFicathon

This is a River/Doctor fic for a ficathon I signed up for forever ago.I don’t even know which one anymore because I suck. But young, babyfaced Eleven has dropped off Amy and Rory for a romantic weekend together and is off exploring a strange planet on his own. He soon runs into the mysterious River Song who is in possession of his tardis, having obviously swiped it from him at some future point in time. As usual, he’s completely captivated by her but there’s a niggling thought in the back of his head, spurred on by talk of good men and murder and prison sentences, which whispers that maybe she’s just come from murdering him in cold blood before stealing his ship. That thought really should send him running for the hills, but he his feet refuse to move unless its in step with hers. 

17. Tattoo

Matt is dreading going back to set after a break a week’s break from filming. On the last night before he returned from Cardiff, he got very drunk and woke up in the morning sporting a tattoo on his arm. This would be bad enough, but the tattoo in question bears the name of his very captivating co-star. This this episode also heralding the return of River Song, Alex would be on set. It wasn’t like he planned to be taking his shirt off on set or anything, but if she were to somehow find out what he’d done, surely she’d never want to speak to him again. Or at least look at him with pity in her eyes at the obvious signal of his very unrequited feelings for her. He gets through the work day decently enough, but when Alex suggests running lines together and catching up that night, he worries he won’t be able to keep his shameful secret much longer. 

19. WeddingInvitation

Alex is getting married. The invitations have gone out and everyone has RSVP’d. Except for one very conspicuous person. She and Matt haven’t spoken in quite a while, their once close friendship fading into one of quick and impersonal birthday messages and not much else, but she did want him there to celebrate her wedding with. When she calls him to confirm whether or not he’ll be joining the rest of their friends from the show at her wedding, he’s cagey and non-committal until he breaks and responded with a no and a suspicious apology. It doesn’t take much thought afterward to figure out the real reason why he won’t be attending. After their time on the show together led to nothing happening between them despite the years of flirting and tension, she’d well and truly put the feelings she’d felt for him behind her and she’d honestly thought he’d also gotten past whatever feelings he’d harbored for her. Apparently not. Disappointed, she marked his as a no on the guest list and gets on with planning her big day. She’s surprised, however, when Matt shows up in town the week before the wedding with a confession and asks her to call it off. Maybe those feelings of hers hadn’t been as completely buried as she’d thought, but she can’t throw away a love and a life she’d been excited about only moments before for Matt, can she?

[myownsuperintendent]

Fic: “Baby Books”

Scully has a baby book for each of her children.  Rated G and also here at Ao3.

.....

One

Scully knows she’s not supposed to do it.  But considering all the ways she’s flouted protocols by now, she doesn’t think this one should even raise eyebrows, this taking away a small pink book that doesn’t belong to anyone, anymore.

She brings it home, back to Washington, tucked into her carry-on, and she really looks at it for the first time once she’s alone in her apartment.  It’s got flowers on the cover, and a picture of a rattle, and printed words, ­­­_____’s Baby Book.  Emily, someone has written in the blank, in handwriting that’s not hers.

She thumbs through the pages, taking stock of all the moments that she should have had the chance to see.  Someone has filled in the book’s provided blanks, Emily’s length and weight across the months, when she started eating solid foods, walking, talking.  They’ve put in additions too: the day Emily came home with the Sims is written below her birthdate, and there are notes on her illness.  And there are pasted-in pictures.  Emily, round-headed and bald, staring at the camera with a blank expression.  Emily on her first birthday, with fair curls under a party hat, sticking a hand into the cake.

Scully can’t even tell herself what she’s hoping to get out of this, but she keeps reading it. She wraps herself in the blankets of her bed, burrowing down, looking through the baby book again and again.

Mulder catches her with it once, a few months in, when he comes over to talk about a case. “Scully,” he says, so softly, and she could break through the barriers between them easily at this moment, if she wanted to.

“Don’t,” she says, shoving the book into the nearest drawer, closing it firmly.  And he doesn’t.

She could take it out when he leaves, but she tells herself she’d better not.  It sits there.  She finds ways not to open that drawer.

..... 

Two

Scully keeps William’s baby book carefully, for Mulder, so he’ll be able to read it when he comes back.  It’s one her mother gave her, right before William was born, with Beatrix Potter animals on the cover.  My First Year, it says, and inside there’s a space for the baby’s name and the parents’ names.  She fills them in neatly, precisely, William’s and Mulder’s and hers.

She puts in pictures, William in his cradle, William in her arms, William clutching a stuffed bear at Christmas, William looking at snow for the first time.  She writes notes on how he grows, on his babbling and sitting up and starting to crawl.  She puts in a little wisp of his hair.  She writes about that face he makes, the one that always makes her think of Mulder.  She doesn’t write about threats or abductions or being afraid.

The last time she opens the book, she’s sitting in the middle of the living room floor, in the space where William’s bouncy seat used to be.  She doesn’t know why she opens it, except that she’s been awake for thirty-seven hours and isn’t thinking that clearly.  She doesn’t want to read it.  She looks at the cover—My First Year—they didn’t even make it that far.  She goes to put it somewhere she can’t find it, and she opens the first drawer she sees, and there’s the other one, the other baby book, staring up at her.  She holds one in each hand.  She doesn’t know whether to clutch them to her or throw them on the floor.  She wants to get rid of them.  She wants to set them on fire.  She wants to never let them go.  She flips through them, and cries, and eventually falls asleep with her head against the side of the couch.

The next day she takes them to the storage unit.  She doesn’t want them in her apartment anymore, or maybe she doesn’t deserve to have them there.  She leaves them, in there with some of Mulder’s things, the ones they put away for when he comes back.  She isn’t sure if she still believes he will.  She isn’t sure there’s any reason to store any of this.  But she closes the door and goes.

The baby books come with them, when they open the storage unit again and move into their house. She knows Mulder sees them, knows he looks through William’s.  They never talk about it.

She gives it to her son, years later, on a day when he comes into the house and finds her taping all the lower kitchen cabinets shut.  “What are you doing?” he asks.  “Trying to keep Mulder from eating your snacks?”

She stands up and gives him a hug, which he lets her do.  “Hi, Jackson.  No, I’m just baby-proofing.  Susanna’s started crawling.”

“Oh,” he says. “They do that already?  This little, I mean.”

“Believe it or not,” Scully says.  “She’s on the early side of the curve, but nothing outrageous.  You were a little early too.”

“I was?” he asks, sounding curious, almost wistful.

She nods.  He looks like he wants her to tell him more, and she’s not sure where to start.  And then she is.  

She knows where the book is, of course, on a shelf in Mulder’s office, and she takes it down and gives it to him.  “Peter Rabbit,” he says with a half-smile, looking at the cover, and then he opens it and starts reading.  

He seems to be intent on the book, only making the occasional comment and not really acknowledging her answers, but she doesn’t go back to the cabinets.  She sits there next to him, just in case.

......

Three

When it comes to Susanna, Mulder is a meticulous documenter, starting even before she’s born. He saves things—the ultrasound photos, her hat from the hospital, her first tiny booties.  He takes endless pictures and videos.  And he gets a baby book with both fill-in-the-blanks and empty pages for writing, with a baby in a cradle on the front.  On their first night home with Susanna, after they’ve put her down to sleep, Scully goes to take a bath and comes back into the bedroom to find him writing an extended treatise.  She peeks at it; it looks like a letter to their daughter, describing the events of the past few days.  “We should sleep,” she tells him gently, settling into the bed next to him.  

“Soon,” he promises, writing away.

He keeps it up over the months that follow, writing about Susanna’s first smile, her fondness for pureed carrots, when she starts to call them Mama and Dada and take tentative steps.  He marks the date of each tooth she cuts on a special chart.  He always has some form of camera around.

“Why are you filming this?” Scully asks him one night when she’s trying to get a grouchy Susanna to eat and go to sleep.  She can tell that she sounds pretty grouchy herself.  “What are you, her press agent?”  Susanna wails and tugs at her shirt, and Scully sighs and starts unbuttoning. Susanna’s made it clear that she’s not fully on board with this milk from a cup idea her parents have recently introduced, and tonight they’re both too tired to deal with the fuss.

“Sorry,” he says, putting the video camera down.   “Do you want me to clean up?”

“It’s not that,” Scully says, settling Susanna against her to nurse.  “I’m just not sure what it is about this moment that’s so enthralling.”

His voice is quiet when he answers.  “It’s…I don’t want to miss anything.”

She watches him, wondering what to say.  “Come here,” she says, finally, and he goes to them, putting an arm around her shoulders, using his other hand to take one of Susanna’s.  She leans her cheek against his as they both watch their daughter. “We have to let her live her life,” she says, softly.  She’s not just talking about videos and baby books.  She’s not just talking about Mulder.  She thinks, from the way he looks at her, that he knows that.

Susanna pulls away from the breast and looks up at them, a mixture of milk and drool dribbling down her chin.  She sneezes, only adding to the mess, and then, before they can get wind of what she has in mind, buries her face in Scully’s sweater.  “Oh, what are you doing?” Scully asks her, carefully modulating her voice so that it sounds more sing-song than irritated.  “Now you stop that.”  She lifts Susanna away.  “Mulder, could you get me a…?”

“Already on it,” he says, handing her a wet towel.  “Now this would make quite a photograph.”

“Don’t you dare,” she says, but she’s laughing in spite of herself, as she mops up herself and their daughter, and Mulder starts laughing too, and even Susanna is giggling happily, no longer grouchy.  

“Oh, she knows what she did,” Mulder says, taking Susanna from her.  “You know what you did, don’t you?”

“She does,” Scully says.  “We’re going to have to watch ourselves.”

“Baby’s First Prank?” Mulder says, looking thoughtful.

“I don’t think that’s a category in the book.”

“Well,” he says, “with this one, maybe it should be.”

[ahiddenpath]

Vidja Games

So I checked out Game Informer’s list of the top 300 greatest video games, and they are objectively wrong, lol (I can’t imagine the fights that went into making this list??)!

I’m no critic, and I’m not interested in attempting to objectively rate games, but here are my (subjective) faves in rough order-ish, if you’re interested!  They are arranged by franchise for my sanity below the cut.

The Elder Scrolls (TES)

My all time favorite video game series is TES, although I wasn’t able to stomach playing I and II.  In order, my favorites are: Morrowind, then Oblivion, then Skyrim.

Morrowind is unfriendly to casual gamers, and even experienced folks need to learn the lay of the enormous world, how to fast travel, and even how to level and plan characters to best effect.  The learning curve is enormous, and if you decide to play a different type of character later on, you’re stuck!  You might even have to start over, since you level your character by increasing the major and minor skills you chose upfront.

But I have never experienced such an open, imaginative world.  The later installments felt both smaller and less varied.  In Morrowind, you’ll find everything from sprawling floating cities to houses built into enormous mushrooms, with ashlands, swamps, and mountainous terrains in between, complete with hell-on-earth smack-dab in the middle of everything.

Oblivion is more user-friendly than Morrowind, and it has some of the most engaging quests in the series.  What it loses in environmental diversity and sheer exploration potential, it almost- almost- compensates for in fun quests (there’s much less ‘fetch me some swamp muck’ involved), easier transportation, and the wonderful world of Shivering Isles, an expansion.

Skyrim is the most accessible of the three by far, and it’s forgiving in that it allows players to change their play style on the fly with little repercussions.  It also has the best combat.  Sadly, the repetitive environments make it far less compelling to explore than its predecessors, which is a huge part of TES’s charm for me.  I also found the enemies repetitive.  The more fanciful enemies are almost absent, and the few that exist are tied to specific daedric quest lines.  Do you know how hard it is to recharge enchanted items when you only encounter a handful of daedra?  Wolves and trolls just don’t fill them back up well.

Also, while the accessibility widens the target audience considerably, it cuts into the customization options previously available to more experienced gamers.  That was a huge disappointment for me, personally.

To be clear, though, I still adore Skyrim.

Personal anecdote:  My Morrowind strategy book was so worn that it fell apart, so I punched holes in the pages and kept it in a binder.  I took out the fast travel map and the local map of whatever area I was combing to find a dungeon door tucked into a cave hidden behind ivy or whatever.  I still have it; it’s a sentimental treasure.

The Sims

The more open-ended a game is, the more I like it, and The Sims is king of that arena!  For me, 3 is by far the best installment.  2 introduced the idea of having types of Sims with personal goals to meet to create direction for the player, but ultimately, it felt like I was stuck with the same five Sims over and over again.  The wishes and moodlet system of 3, along with the five slots for personality traits, gave me so much more power to create Sims that felt like actual characters.

I... don’t even want to know how much of my life I’ve put into The Sims...

My ranking:  3>1>2>4

It should be noted that I didn’t mind 1′s lack of direction, since my imagination alone is way more than enough to pull me forward in a sandbox game.  In comparison, 2 felt restrictive by creating five character types, limiting me to that in a way I couldn’t ignore.

Personal anecdote:  I received the original Sims for Christmas when I was in middle school.  I accidentally played from bed time until 4 AM, which is the closest I’ve ever come to pulling an all-nighter.

Sonic the Hedgehog

WHERE DO I EVEN START WITH THE BLUE BLUR.

Sonic was an enormous part of my childhood, guys.  I played all the games.  I watched both cartoons (the one with Sally and the Freedom Fighters and the one where it’s just Sonic/Tails/Eggman/some robots), I learned to read with the comic books.  I have a vivid memory of my brother taunting me by refusing to let me see his comics “because I couldn’t read”...  So I spite-learned using the comics when he wasn’t paying attention.

I don’t think I can pick a favorite!  As a kid, I played Sonic 3 the most; I was a huge Knuckles fan, so that might have played a role (also the original Sonic was too difficult for me at the time, although I certainly tried).  But I also loooooved Sonic Adventure and Sonic Adventure 2.  And Sonic Generations was so much fun!

Mario Bros

Lord, I was playing Mario games before I could read, I don’t...  Mario has always been around for me, okay?  It’s a huge part of my story, and the franchise is so iconic that there’s little for me to say.  There are way too many amazing games in this franchise for me to name, but personal faves include: Super Mario RPG, Super Mario World, and Yoshi’s Island.

The Legend of Zelda

This is another franchise where I don’t know what to say...  It’s too iconic for me to offer much.  Zelda games are known for their exploration and adventure, even from the beginning.  Ocarina of Time was a big part of my childhood, but I also adore the newest installment, Breath of the Wild.  And I know this may be silly, but I love Hyrule Warriors!  I can’t wait to play it on the Switch with all the DLC.

And the music???  Guys?????  THE MUSIC?!?!?!    

Bioshock 

Amazing atmosphere, fun game play, and one of the best stories in gaming history add up to an unforgettable experience.  Also a fore-runner to the idea of playing dialogue and recordings while the player explores, a trend that caught on in a huuuge way.

Persona

It’s hard to describe Persona games...  They basically combine Jungian psychology with various mythologies, sprinkle in some horror (or glob it on in the case of 3), throw in an RPG, and add a heaping serving of everyday high school life.  The games tackle a wide range of ideas and game play, creating a unique experience that has drawn a devoted following.

I’ll make this quick:

3:  Best story and atmosphere, worst/most needlessly frustrating game play, very prickly cast lol

4:  Best characters and character development

5:  Best game play (exquisitely polished game play, really), best overall style, worst story and character development

My ranking is 4>3>5.  It should probably be noted that story and character are king for me, so while 5 was incredibly polished mechanics wise, the comparatively weak story and characters sunk it to the bottom of the list for me.  It was one of those games where I understood where they were going hours ahead of time, and then they would explain “the twist” to the player for half an hour over and over and over.  Frankly, it was... kind of insulting, and soured the experience for me.

Also, Mona, I swear to god, how am I supposed to pass school if you don’t let me study or do my homework because you think I need to sleep at 5 PM every day ahhhhh!  XD

Harvest Moon

Oh god, here’s another franchise I don’t want to delve into in terms of hours I’ve spent playing O_O

I can’t even explain why I like these games...  In HM, you are a farmer, and your job is usually to prove to the villagers that you’re a valuable member of society so that they won’t evict you from your own inherited property.  (I’m curious about their deeds and legal policies, lol.  How do you write that clause up?).

These games combine farming with socialization and light dating sim elements, and time management is the name of the game.  They pull in players by tapping into the universal desire to create order and advancement.

My favorite installment is Friends of Mineral Town.  I also adored Harvest Moon 64, but the controls are sadly too dated for me to replay it.

Pokemon

I’m sure I’ve missed at least one, but I’ve played almost every mainstream release of Pokemon since Red and Blue came out.  It must be doing something right, lol!

I’m a huge sucker for games where you choose monsters to raise.  It’s so fun to assemble a team based on your tastes and raise them just so!

My favorite release is the remake of Gold and Silver.

Monster Rancher 2

OH MY LORD I played this game to the point where I’m shocked the disc still works.  In Monster Rancher 2, you find monsters by placing discs into your Play Station, which each encode a monster.  In order to access the strongest monsters, you must raise your rank as a trainer by winning official tournaments.

I wish I could explain why I latched on to this particular game so hard, but...  I think it had something to do with the massive variety of monsters, the difficulty of the tournaments (I never did hit S rank, and not for lack of trying!), and the myriad of odd ways to unlock special monsters.

Mario Kart

Seriously, who doesn’t like smiting friends and family on the race track?  MK is a fun, family-friendly way to deliver a beat down...  As long as you contain your desire to cuss like a sailor, anyway.

It’s so hard to pick a favorite here!  It’s hard to top the original for the challenge...  But Double Dash and Infinity are contenders, too.

Danganronpa

Danganronpa games are visual novels that mix survival, horror, and crime-solving into a dark, bizarre, unique experience.  I’ve written a ton about this series lately, so I won’t delve into it here, but you can check out the danganronpa tag on my blog for more.

Kingdom Hearts

These games are so charming and fun to play!  I’ve never completed one on my own- linear games are rough for me- but I’ve seen my husband play them all, even the (many) extra installments.  KH2 is probably my favorite, although Birth by Sleep was amazing, too.

Final Fantasy

I’ll admit that I don’t really enjoy playing Japanese RPGs; linear gameplay doesn’t appeal to me much in general.  But the FF franchise is famous for its sweeping narratives, imaginative environments, and breath-taking music, and I enjoy them for that.  I’ve watched my husband play X-XV, and I briefly joined him in playing XI and XIV.  My favorite is probably X...  Although I have an enormous crush on Ignis from XV.  

My favorite FF game to play is Theaterhythm: Curtain Call.

Mass Effect

How do I say this...  I don’t think I’ve ever played a game that better simulated becoming an entire universe’s hero and moral center.  In Mass Effect, you shape the world and the political climate in unprecedented ways.  By the end of 3, every player is so deeply invested in their Shepard and the world s/he created.  In that sense, it’s en epic experience without peer.

Destiny

I love playing Destiny with my husband and our friend!  I’m a titan, Tony is a hunter, and our buddy is a warlock, and together, we are... three guardians, lol!  

Okay, so the vanilla Destiny release needed some help, but it became a great game with the expansions.  I’m still waiting for that breath of rejuvenation for 2, but I treasure the time we spend together kicking ass as a team.

Left 4 Dead

This game redefined what co-op meant to me.  I always thought of it as Halo, basically competing on the same team against other players.  And yeah, you do that in L4D...  But the cooperation angle that this game brought to the table was more or less unprecedented.

In L4D, if your team of ragtag survivors doesn’t work together, it’s unlikely that anyone will survive.  I spent a lot of free time in college playing this with my friends spread out over different schools.  I had so, so much fun with it.

Although 2 had more varied game play, which was great, I enjoyed the original more, mostly because the online game play wasn’t as loaded in favor of the zombie team.  Objectively speaking, though, the sequel was the more robust game.

Personal anecdote:  L4D is where I learned about dealing with males online.  With Halo, which I also played at the time, I only enjoyed it enough to play it with people I knew.  I loved L4D so much that I would log in to play even when my friends weren’t available, which meant that I was teamed with random players.

I have a very feminine voice, which apparently means that I am meant to be treated like crap online.  Even though it’s a co-op game, and communication is important, I spent most of my sessions with the headset turned off.

Borderlands

THIS GAME, I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH IT!  The crass humor, the expanse of wastelands, the gun-slinging insanity, the incredible couch co-op!  What’s not to love?

Sadly, the sequel was a downgrade from the original, but the first game was an amazing ride.  I’ve been considering replaying it with Tony with all of the DLC.

Metal Gear

I’ve never played these myself, but I watched my husband play the first three.  They’re so cinematic and goofy and over-the-top and awesome!  I love breaking out my Solid Snake gravel voice, too.  My favorite is... probably 3?  It’s hard to pick between 2 and 3, though... 

Disgaea

Hmm...  How to describe these games...  They’re tactics games, I guess?  And there’s a lot of story, too...  Game play wise, the later installments perfect what the earlier ones started, but you can’t beat the story and characters of the original.  Laharl is still one of my all-time favorite male video game characters.  He’s... such a brat?  I love him???

Honorable mentions in no order (ie, I’m tired of writing descriptions, sorry to the rest of these games):

Halo, Dragon Age, Fallout 3, Ratchet & Clank, Resident Evil, Portal, Soul Calibur, Tetris Attack, Uncharted, Ms. Pacman,  the Batman Arkham games

EDIT:  I forgot Nier: Automata and Super Smash Bros!  FOR SHAME!

[shortmonsterstories]

Days of Christmas: Mad Scientist

        Day 6: Mad Scientist

         Words: 797

         Prompt: “Why does the house smell like Santa threw up?” (Prompt by @smackingtalk, Christmas Writing Prompt))

          Author’s Note: A new thing, I saw a really beloved writer do this on another media platform as a child, and I fell in love. Each piece, my aim, is under 800 words, and is just cuteness, creepiness, or just simple. This is actually based off a Sims household I am currently playing, they even had two Plantsim babies together! But it’s not Sims fanfiction.

My Sim was a bit based off Jehanna, since I created the household while writing that story. Hate to have my first piece have the same, or similar character. But! I’m excited. Please enjoy!

…

The Holiday season always stressed him out. Stephen loathed such a time, where his coworkers grew lethargic, often wanting to converse personal life and of gifts. If he overheard another proposal of Secret Santa, he would truly stab a candy cane into somebody’s eyeball.

He had finished the last twenty-four hours in his laboratory at the office since it was Christmas Eve, no one but a few as like himself still strayed the halls. He was able to complete his work before the break he promised his wife he would take had to begin. He was quick to type the report, sending it to the higher-ups as he crammed his suitcase, removed the protection equipment, beginning to get on his Oxfords.

He was driving home, exhausted and ready to just sleep, wondering if she would be up at such an hour. It was past midnight, and she was an early bird. She found it demanding to stay up past ten without falling asleep watching television.

Stephen didn’t mind, he enjoyed having the house to himself since he could run on coffees and caffeine patches for at least forty two hours. He parked in the driveway of his home; he lived in a nice suburban neighborhood, off on a hill. Almost like the place he was raised.

He slammed the door shut, holding the suitcase as he made hast towards his front door. He gripped the suitcase, the blistering cold made him hunch over. God, he despised the cold. Gripping the icy doorknob, he flew open his door, quickly going to close it.

His eyes stung from the display before him, a large, highly decorated pine tree right beside the silver screen, stockings on the walls, with their names labeled upon them, numerous presents resting underneath with Christmas music blasting. “Emily, why does it smell like Santa threw up in here?” He cried through the house, his wife racing from the kitchen.

“I made cookies!” She exclaimed with her usual excitement. She wore an oversized, ugly holiday sweater with a dark green skirt and red leggings, topping it all off with a Santa hat. Emily was a high school assistant assigned to him during her senior year. There was a fourteen age gap, and Stephen never thought of marrying someone so young, yet, yet there they are, having their first Christmas together.

“What’s with all this?” He inquired, waving his hand in the air of the chaotic holiday madness. It looked like a TV commercial than an actual home.

“I wanted to do something special, it’s our first year!” She claps her hands, going to him and giving the lanky man a bear hug. She was a chubby woman, giving them quite the weight difference. “Oh please don’t be mad, I promise this is all my stuff from my parents, I didn’t spend a penny!” She assures.

He groans, rubbing his temples. “No damage… yet. Yet. Yet..” He exhales, almost swaying as she brought him to the couch.

“Cookie?” She offers him a chocolate chip; nevertheless the chips were Christmas colored- he almost puked.

“No thank you.” He ran his fingers through his silvery hair, though only in his late forties, his hair transformed into a snowy hue from stress, lack of sleep, and plenty of overstraining. He watches his wife once again leave his side, grabbing a box from the tree.

She had been showing so many signs of lonesomeness, straight from high school to a matrimonial, he almost felt wrong for having her spend her youth as a housemaker. She took her seat beside him again, offering him the shiny wrapped gift. “I hope you like it, Sunshine!”

“I don’t believe in gift giving for singular days. I will purchase it if I so desire..” He said coolly, he often came off as harsh, but Emily, even in their first meeting, never seemed to realize his brutal tones. She shook it a little, something plastic shaking inside.

“You’ll like it~” She bustled, his brow wrinkled, taking the item and begun to slowly rip it apart, uninterested.

“If not the atomic particle I want that the administration won’t cough over, it’s useless.” He spat, he removed the top of the shoe box- rolling his eyes at it and saw a malleable, pink rod. “What in the Earth, Emily?” He held it to face value, draining of tint the second he realized it was a pregnancy test, it was of course positive.

“Merry Christmas, yay! Yay! We’re pregnant!” She sang, clapping her hands as she waited for a response from Stephen, but before he could utter a word, he fainted. Emily paused, before placing his hand upon her slightly developed stomach. “Weeeee….” She whispers silently as if to not stir a child from rest.

“Merry Christmas, Sugar Plum.”

….

Not the best, but a quick and decent start on my plans for at least one story for each day. You’re always open to request monsters, prompts or whatever on this little project of mine.

[useyourrwords]

Year in Review // Readathons, Diverse Reads & Structured TBR Success – Quarterly Check In

I’m back from hiatus, yet again!

I’ve had a grand time away but I’ll get into that in my Month in Review posts next week!

For now, I want to take a moment to go over my year so far since we’re a bit over a quarter of the way through!

I’ll be covering my reading, watching, blogging and goals from January to March and how I think I’ve gone so far!

If you would like to buy any of the following books please consider using my Book Depository Affliate link!

         TBR

│The Raven Cycle│

│

│Shadow and Bone Series│

│The Conqueror’s Saga│

│Montague Siblings│

│Villains│

│The Dark Artifices│

│Harry Potter Series│

│Sharp Objects│

│Sadie│

│

│Sawkill Girls│

│The Hate U Give│

│Rejected Princesses│

│

│Bygone badass Broads│

│

│Simon Vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda│

│Children of Blood & Bone│

│City of Ghosts│

│Percy Jackson and the Olympians│

I mean, that’s not great. But at least I have actually been reading book I own!

Readathons & Challenges

Before this year I hadn’t  participated in any readathons or challenges!

 But this year I’ve been participating in the Devour Your TBR challenges each month—even if it’s only one or two books!

 I also participated in the Late-A-Thon readathon that was run by Destiny @ Howling Libraries!

Reading Challenge

This year I set my reading challenge to 50 books! Which is half of what I read last year but I did this because I knew I wouldn’t have as much time to read this year.

According to Goodreads I’m one book behind, as of April 5th, which I honestly expected.

Each month I try to read 5 books, and in both February and March, my reading took a bit of a hit.

I’m hoping I got back on track and read at least 5 books in April. Hello future Grey, did I do good???? Future Grey: you did great!

Stats

 I’ve read 3989 pages

 My average rating is 3.68

 I take 13.9 days to read each book, on average

 10/11 books read have been YA

 The genre I’ve read the most is fantasy (big surprise!)

Diversity

 So far all of my reads have been diverse in some form or another!!!

 5 of which have had LGBTQIAP+ rep

 5 of which have had POC rep

 5 of which I have deemed feminist literature

     My Book of the Quarter

│Sadie│Courtney Summers│

│

│

│

│★★★★★│Read Feb 14│

Structured TBR (Started Feb)

│Must Read: 

 11/15│

 5/2│

 0/0│

 4/4│

 11/6│

 20/20│

 11/10│

So I’m behind on books read but I already knew that.

I’ve gotten through quite a few ARCs! So I’m very proud of that! That Late-A-Thon and Jan Jam Jar helped with that a lot in January!

I’ve been good at reading owned books, and literally every single book I’ve read has been diverse in some form which makes me very happy!

I’ve been keeping up with reading my Rejected Princesses and Bygone Badass Broads entries each month which is giving me a good dose of history!

│Allowances: 

 3/2│

 2/1│

 1/1│

 0/0│

 0/1│

I have read more library books than I was meant to but it is the first time I’ve had a structured TBR so I knew it would take a little while to work out the kinks.

Like making sure I don’t have too many holds on Overdrive or the Library at once as that gives me the risk of multiple books becoming available in one month. And if there is that risk then I should take advantage of the feature of suspending holds!

It’s also good to make sure that, if I do have a library book, I try and read it first so it doesn’t carry on into the next month.

However, since I started my structured TBR late, meaning I’ve only done it for two months, even though it has been three months (at the time of writing this) I think I can give myself the exception of passing.

I think I might bump my audiobook allowances to two each month for the rest of the year, just because it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my reading because I’m listening to audiobooks during times I wouldn’t be reading otherwise so reading more of them can only be a plus! And I need that extra wiggle room now that I’ll be doing a four hour drive to and from my Aunt’s house once a month!

Past Grey Reads

 Book Review // Girl Made of Stars – I Am Broken

 Grey Reads // Everything’s On Fire and I Couldn’t Be Happier – Girls of Paper and Fire

 Grey Reads // Bloody Moors & Candy Castles – The Wayward Children 2 & 3

       TBW

Jan-Mar Releases

│The Hate U Give│

│

│On The Basis of Sex│

│

│Captain Marvel│

│

│Brooklyn Nine-Nine│Season 6│

│

│One Day At A Time│Season 3│

│

Past Grey Watches

 Grey Watches // I Wanna Bone Jude Law and Kate Winslet – The Holiday

 Grey Watches // It Has To Be A Shit Show – A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding

 Grey Watches // I Hate It So Much I Love It – A Christmas Prince

Highlights

 2019 Ahead // It’s Twentybiteen, You Ready?

 Tag // The Library Lover’s Book Tag – I Am a Library Fiend

 Grey Learns // A Groundbreaking Journalist, Strong Abolitionist and Feminist – Ida B. Wells

 Grey Tags // Shockingly Intelligent and Mind Blowingly Stupid – The Entertaining Blogger Award

 Grey Tags // Romance Realist, Judgmental Judy & Fatphobia Errywhere – Out of My Comfort Zone Tag

 Top Ten Tuesday // Audible and Overdrive Are My Lords & Saviors – My Audiobook TBR

Blogosphere Highlights

I’ve picked my absolute faves of the posts I’ve shared over the last three months, just in case you missed them the first time. They’re mostly blog and writing help because those things are always useful!

January

│Ellyn @Allonsythornraxxbooks│ HOW TO GET ON TOP OF YOUR NETGALLEY FEEDBACK RATIO│

│Avery @Red Rocket Panda│HOW TO HYPE YOUR FAVOURITE READS│

│Abbiee @Abbiee│WRITING TIPS Transform a Messy Story Idea Into a Strong Outline (in 3 simple steps!)│

│Ilsa @A Whisper of Ink│How the HECK does one receive a physical ARC because I want one?! (I hear your cries and answer all your questions) Welcome to How To Request + Recieve ARCs│

│Simone @Simone and Her Books│My Review Process and Why I Write Reviews│

│Swetlana @The Caffeinated Bookworm Life│16 Blog Post Ideas To Help You Get Through (AT LEAST) A Month Of Blogging│

February

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│True Crime Tuesday: The San Francisco Witch Killers│

│May @ Forever And Everly│Discussing Blogger Appreciation and the Lack of It: Analyzing Answers, Stats, and Graphs From a Survey I Made!│

│Ellyn @ Allonsythornraxxbooks│HOW TO: OUTLINE A BLOG POST│MY 10 STEP GUIDE TO GROWING YOUR BLOG│

│Kelly @ Just Another Book in the Wall│THE VALUE OF TEEN VOICES IN THE BOOK BLOGGING COMMUNITY + PROJECT ANNOUNCEMENT!│

│Madeline @ Caffeine & Writing Dreams│How to Cut Adverbs for Stronger Writing // & When It’s Okay to Use Them│

│Kat @ Novels and Waffles│Stand Out Above The Crowd // 4 Ways To Make Your Free WordPress.com Theme Look Different From Everybody Else’s│My Branding Journey + Four Questions To Ask Yourself While Rebranding // ft. A Free Downloadable Checklist│How in the World I Make My Graphics // A Step-By-Step Tutorial│I Font It That Way // How to Choose the Right Font for Your Blog│By Any Other Name // 5 Steps That Will Help You Choose An Awesome Blog Name (ft. A Free Worksheet!)│

Listen I couldn’t decide on which ones from Kat to share, because they’re just ALL. SO. GOOD.

March

│Krystin @ Here’s The Fucking Twist│True Crime Tuesday: The Moors Murders│

│Vicky @ Vicky Who Reads│Stressed About College? These Book Recs Are For You!│

│Ellyn @ Allonsythornraxxbooks│5 TIPS ON ANNOTATING YOUR BOOKS!│

│Avery @ Red Rocket Panda│DOWN THE TBR HOLE | USING THE #KONMARIE METHOD FOR MY PHYSICAL SHELVES│

│Fadwa @ Word Wonders│MY PRODUCTIVITY TOOLS – OR HOW TO BE A MASTER ORGANIZER!│

│Qui @ The Black Lit Queen│Diversity vs. Representation|BLQ Quick Guide│

│Madeline @ Caffeine & Writing Dreams│How to Write Scenes that Balance Plot & Character // Scene and Sequel Sequences│

Past Month In Review

 January in Review // I Cried, Laughed, Ate Pasta, Celebrated My Birthday & Completed TWO Read-A-Thons/Challenges

 Month in Review // I FINALLY CHANGED MY NAME – February

 Month in Review // The Month From Hell – March

Goals

 Get to a point where I walk 10000 steps a day

Yeah I can say I’ve done this. I’m back to square one but I did get to a point where I was walking 10000 steps a day regularly. I’ve just gotta get back to it.

 Find a way to be more financially stable somehow

this hasn’t happened yet but my finances are a little easier to handle after some messing about with my budget.

 Finish a draft for my WIP

I’ve still not started it. I hate myself. But I have been doing a lot of the ground work in my head, like discovering the history and setting and working out stuff about the characters an such. And like, I’ve kind of written some scenes. But I’m yet to actually take the time and sit down specifically to write.

 Read 50 books

Not quite on track but I’m getting there!

 Legally change my name FINALLY! 

I did it! My legal name is finally Greyson!

 Continue going to therapy

I had my first appointment of the year at the very start of April so I didn’t quite make it in the first quarter of the year so I won’t give myself a tick yet.

 Take regular mental health days

I’m doing this! I might be only doing it because something bad happens that makes me an absolute right off for a whole day but I’m doing it!

 Play more video games 

I’ve honestly played too much Sims in the last two months!

But also I wanna start playing games on my PlayStation again!

Past Month Ahead

Month Ahead // Happy Birthday To Me + Hiatus Announcement – January

February Ahead // I’m Finally Going To Read The Raven Cycle Series & It’s Black History Month + A Great Resource for Education!!!!!

 Month Ahead // Writers Week, Comedy & Too Much To Do – March

So far so good!

What have you done so far this year? What did you read? What posts did you write that you’re super proud of?

│Blog│Goodreads│Instagram│Twitter│Tumblr│

  Advertisements

__ATA.cmd.push(function() { __ATA.initSlot('atatags-26942-5ccd985c35900', { collapseEmpty: 'before', sectionId: '26942', location: 120, width: 300, height: 250 }); });

__ATA.cmd.push(function() { __ATA.initSlot('atatags-114160-5ccd985c35908', { collapseEmpty: 'before', sectionId: '114160', location: 130, width: 300, height: 250 }); });

from WordPress http://bit.ly/2Ws2PMk via IFTTT

[dandelliongirl]

2019!!!

The year of ME

It’s the 2nd of January and oh boy did December just fly by. I’m sad to be taking down my Christmas tree in a few days..

The last few weeks of work were busy but a lot of fun. We had so many Christmas parties that we barely had enough time for all the meetings and other work. We also got to leave early on Friday the 21st, which was super nice. I went home to my parents on the evening of the 22nd after some much needed me-time and building a cozy Christmas house in the Sims 4. On the 23rd me and mum drove through a literal winter wonderland with trees sugarcoated in fresh snow to visit grandmum, grandpa and my uncle. We helped grandmum with her Christmas cooking and spent a few hours over there before driving back home listening to Christmas music. Grandmum gave me new mittens with flowers and pearls in them that she’s made, and money to go and buy myself a piano book. ♥

The 24th was spent traditionally. I woke up early to watch Christmas cartoons, we had rice porrige for breakfast and went to light up candles at the graveyards. This time I left a candle for my godfather as well.♥ Then it was time for Christmas sauna, although mum couldn’t go (or didn’t want to go?) because her surgery scars are still pretty fresh. It breaks my heart to see her go into the bedroom and close the door and be careful nobody sees her. I hope it’s just because she doesn’t want me to see and it isn’t actually as big of a deal for her but it must be pretty intense having your body go through such changes nonetheless.. After sauna we had a delicious meal (reindeer, parsnip puré, sweet potato fries, beetroot casserole and gravy, with panna cotta for dessert), watched From all of us to all of you (as is tradition) and handed out presents. I got a new set of pajamas, mittens, a giftcard for a pedicure, a giftcard for clothes and a painting (although it’s more like a framed paper cutout craft). Me and my boyfriend also got a present together. Mum and dad really liked their presents as well. I can’t remember if I wrote about them already but I got mum some pajama pants, a new Sauna seat cloth, a shower gel and a hand cream. Dad got a sweater and a Star Wars workout shirt. Both of them got some tea and for our summer house I got a sauna headrest, a book about natural herbs and a bird book.

On the 25th me and dad visited my other grandmum and cousins and had a Christmas lunch with them. My twin cousins are going to start their military service in a few days, which is incredible.. In the evening mum and I went for a long walk and we made pizza for dinner.

On the 26th I went xc-skiing with dad for the first time this winter and it was a lot of fun. I did 6-ish kilometers on my first run this year, which is really motivating. Back in the day 5 km was not even a consideration and now I did it on my first run of the season! Other than that we spent our days until the 27th chilling together and being cozy. It was much needed and so very nice.

My new sleeping cottage was supposed to be delivered to our summer house before Christmas but the truck that was supposed to transport it broke down. Then it was supposed to be loaded up and delivered on the 27th but turns out it was too big to be transported without a permit so I still don’t have it. I hope it gets here soon, it’s been snowing nonstop and it’ll be impossible to transport it in this weather.. I’ve already planned out the layout and furnishings, and even bought a sheephide from my sheep farmer colleague for the main living space. I want it to be spring already!

On the 27th both me and my guy came back to the apartment. He opened my present and I opened my new pair of knit wool socks from his grandpa. My parents got us two board versions of escape room games. We played our first round of The Captain is Dead with little success but it was a lot of fun anyway. On the 28th we went shopping and helped our friend find new frames for new glasses. She came over to try The Captain is Dead with us but we still didn’t win the game. On the 29th I met up with my ballet friends for some frozen pizzas and long chats. It was amazing to see them again since one is in London and the other two have moved across the country. I’m so proud of us for staying in touch since it would be really easy to drift apart now that we don’t go to class together anymore. Every last Friday of the month we tell each other how we’re doing and occasionally message each other in-between.

The 30th of December was spent playing Mass Effect Andromeda with my guy, and for New Years Eve two of our friends came over to make pizza, play Cards Against Humanity, go watch fireworks, play The Captain is Dead (AND finally beat it!) and play The Ultimate Chicken Horse until 4am. We all slept in until past midday on the 1st, my friend left and me and my guy started the Witcher 3 (finally). He’s playing it on my PC because I can’t be bothered to care for Geralt too much as a character and also the game is really graphic for my tastes. I’m reserving the rights to change my opinion on these two points as the game goes on however.

Now that I’m all caught up it’s time for the usual New Years sap. 2018 was a really hard year for me but DAMN if I didn’t SMASH all my goals and achieve so much. I aced my MA thesis and GRADUATED, I found out I passed JLPT N2, I was ASKED for my dream job without even applying for it, I spent 3 AMAZING weeks travelling around Japan and got to cross off Sanrio Puroland from my bucket list. It was the warmest summer since 2014 and I got to spend so much time with mum and dad at our summer house. I got to start a new hobby and tried lots of new things in 2018. Looking at my passion planner from 2015 all my 3 year goals have been achieved and I am so incredibly proud of myself for it. So what about 2019 then?

2019 will be a year to continue the process of reinvention, reassessing and reprioritizing that I was sort of forced to start in 2018 with a new stage in life. That also came with a total lifestyle rebranding in what I eat, what I wear and what I want from my future. 2019 is also a year to dream big and start working towards those dreams. My successes up until now have given me confidence to know that I can achieve any goals, hopes and dreams I set for myself (as long as they’re somewhat realistic).

Being happy and having time to relax are so much easier now that I have a job and I feel like things are exactly the way they’re supposed to be. That also comes with a creeping fear of stagnation, which is why in 2019 I’d like to spend time learning new skills (namely improving my photography and piano) and reading/listening to books and podcasts to keep on learning now that I’m not actively studying anymore. I’d hate to come home from work and waste away on the sofa day after day. In addition to learning new skills and keeping my mind and body occupied I’m going to pay more attention on body conditioning and increasing my flexibility. I finally bought myself a foam roller (a really expensive one at that!) and it’s been worth every cent. I’ve also been following stretching routines and hopefully this spring I could go to a yoga or Body Balance class more often. Another obvious goal is to continue on my fitness path and it is really motivating now that I’ve actually seen results from my diet change in 2018 as well as from starting Body Combat. In more ways than one I feel like 2019 will be my year to relax and spend time on things that matter to me. I’m excited. ☼

So the Tumblr exodus of December 17th 2018 happened and my blog seems largely unaffected. Regardless I’m glad to have a backup of my diary posts just in case. Seems like these random occasional diary posts will continue for now. I’m trying to stick to a minimum of once a month but we’ll see. I’m not going to guilt myself over it since going through my old blog posts I literally wrote which homework I did and on what day. Yes, I know it was mainly to keep myself accountable but still I feel like even though these longer recap posts take hours to write and I might miss important memories or other details the contents are much more relevant than what I ate and which part of the syllabus I revised on what day. Heh.

Happy 2019 - hope it brings relief to the world and success to all the deserving, kind and friendly people. ♥