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meshkol · 6 years ago

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Twitter Threads (or That One Time Tony Dialled It Up to Eleven)

Summary: Social media is hard and full of trolls, and Tony has poor impulse control.

Notes: I hate this so much. Less cracky than I wanted it, because I suck at writing humour. Fill K-3 for the Tony Stark Bingo 2019: Gossip Press. Unbeta'd as per usual. Any relation to existing twitter handles is entirely coincidental.

Warnings: Social Media, Twitter, Homophobic Language, Sexist Language, Ableist Language, Internet, Trolls, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Goes On A Rampage

No one can say that Tony’s ever had good impulse control, especially about people he loves.

@1234ideclareathumbwar posted: I donno what it is about dr strange but he must suck dick like a pro if hes got iron man whipped god knows theres nothing attractive about him except those dick suckin lips #drstrange #ironman #wtfisstarkthinking

@100percentDONE-xxx replied: yeah its not like he can give a decent handjob ffs must me the lips or maybe hes just tight every1 knows stark loves a tight whole hes prolly cheating neway poor cripple

@itsawrapandimreadytoparty replied: Probably just lays there and thinks about the wizard gods just to get that $$$...I’d think of England even for a nymphomaniac drug-addicted sugar daddy too, tbh.

@BlessYouThor-ness replied: still can’t believe he chose strange over THOR like everyone can see the chemistry between them and tony is such a bottom he’d take thor’s cock so well fuck yes

@they-did-the-thing777 replied: is it just me or does strange look like an alien maybe there’s no magic at all just aliens and he’s got a tentacle dick and stark just wants to mark off another box on his worlds-biggest-slut checklist #tonystarkispathetic

@snowflakes_makeme_lol replied: hes just fkn ugly i s2g stark id spread 4 but strange??? that bitch be ugly asf n not worth gettin my dk wet prolly get aids

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: You guys are the pinnacle of our evolution and I am in awe of your genuine kindness and polite generosity (and grammar). Wow, I can’t believe Stephen Strange saved all of your jerkass lives TWICE for this shit and you know what? Everyone knows I’M the cocksucker in this relationship, dumbfucks.

@kiki_blow_this_popsicle_stand replied: HOLY SHIT LMAO

“What are you doing?”

He doesn’t bother looking up from his tablet, backing away from that thread because he has no interest in seeing the replies, and hunting for the next war he can wage. “Destressing,” he replies gleefully, clicking on a thread that mentions Pepper. He can feel Rhodey behind him – and, what’s more, he can feel the disapproval seeping out of his pores too now that he’s peeking over Tony’s shoulder – but he’s on a roll, and fuck impulse control when he can sass and bitch on twitter. Some people just need to be removed from the genetic pool of the human race and not be allowed to procreate, honestly.

Somewhere in bumbfuck-nowhere, Fury is having a coronary and Stephen is rolling his eyes so hard they’re permanently lodged in his cranium.

@rudethatyoureallamatwink posted: Does anyone else think that Pepper Potts only got the job at Stark because she’s got awesome legs and a great twat and Tony Stark wanted to stick his dick in? #idfuckher #pepperpotts #starkindustries #idfuckhimtootbh #tonystark

@MyNameIsGoFuckYourself replied: lol ur gross shes like 35 or smth but wvr u want crusty ol lose pussy u do u bro #oldchickgross #getbotox

@shredderinmymetal3-14 replied: @MyNameIsGoFuckYourself lmao wtf?? He started fucking her when she was like twenty or something so she was still nice and tight back then. I mean I’d still fuck her right now cause she’s one hot cougar and I bet she’s learned a thing or two from the Slut Extraordinaire. And anyway, how tf do you know what her cunt’s like?? The only hole you’ve fucked is your mom.

@queeen-bee-says-hi replied: Wow, you guys are pigs. Pepper Potts is a strong, independent, beautiful woman who is worth a thousand of all you, and your mothers would be ashamed of you all.

@gags_are_the_best_fight_me_bitch replied: @queeen-bee-says-hi hey look theres the feminazi if you want i can replace that stick up your pussy with my dick you know you need it ill fuck you real good show you what a real mans like

@truthisanillusion replied: I’ll fuck @queeen-bee-says-hi AND @OfficialPotts_CEO at the same time fucking feminazi cunts, god knows you bitches would be grateful for my prick in your gaping lesbian pussies

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Wow. So. Uh.

1. That’s revolting and my AI just delivered the IPs of @gags_are_the_best_fight_me and @truthisanillusion to the authorities for premeditated violence, rape, and hate crimes. You’re welcome, and feel free to send a cash donation to the charity of your choice for my thoughtfulness. I’d recommend something for women’s or LGBTQ+ rights, and I’ll match it with a multiplier of 1000x.

2. @queeen-bee-says-hi, good for you, and I can see from your profile that you’re a student. Consider your crops watered and your schooling paid for, all the way to your twelfth PhD if you want it.

3. @OfficialPotts_CEO can and will murder you with her pinky nail. I’ve taken on Thanos and I’d rather go ten rounds with him than piss her off. THAT’S why she’s CEO, not because of her admittedly awesome legs.

4. I hate this hellsite. If I buy it, can I kill it?? Rhodey says “technically” so I’m gonna look into that now.

@i_stan_one_legend_named_virginia_p_potts replied: IRON MANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND THE QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!! #PEPPERPOTTS4PRESIDENT

@iaminlovewithcapandimunashamed replied: lmfao incels be fkd when #ironman comes to town

@truthisanillusion replied: Hey @YouKnowWhoIAm No one trusts you or likes you, you fake ass super “hero” taking it up the ass like a faggot stfu and die already, kthxbye

@queeen-bee-says-hi replied: whAT OH MY GOD THAT IS NOT NECESSARY

@OfficialPotts_CEO replied: Tony, stop picking fights and threatening to buy twitter or I’ll ground you. And just accept the gift, @queeen-bee-says-hi - after all, he’s already done it.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Shut up Pepper, you aren’t the boss of me.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: And jokes on you @truthisanillusion because I’m already dead inside come at me bitch I’ll be the one in the multi-billion-dollar suit of armor surrounded by Avengers

@OfficialPotts_CEO replied: Actually, I am. Don’t make me take away your toys. Or call @Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel. He’s on speed-dial, sweetheart, and he likes me better than you.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: Rude.

@Sorcerer_Surpreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: The last time you threatened someone, your house got blown up. Please refrain from egging on internet trolls or I’ll dump you for Rhodes for my own sanity.

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: ALSO RUDE.

“You know, I’m not even remotely bi-curious and I would totally tap that,” Rhodey says absently, though his lips are quirking into a smirk.

Tony rolls his eyes. “Hands off, you little shit, or I’ll tweet about that one time in MIT when you ate that—”

“Fuck you.”

“Been there, done that,” Tony quips cheerfully. “Not remotely bi-curious my ass—”

“You know what’s better than picking fights with twelve-year-olds on twitter? Kicking your ass right here. You come at me, Stank.”

Tony opens his mouth to reply but then gasps, already losing himself in another thread after sending a middle finger emoji into the last one.

@mwahahaha-666 posted: You guys can wax poetry about Tony Stark all you want, but screw that basic-ass rich boy - everyone knows Doctor Strange is the smokin’ hot one. #takemenow #mybodyisready #drstrange

@ukulele_jedi_master replied: PREACH!!! stark may be loaded but stephen is the one that looks like a prada model giMME THAT MAGICAL DICK

@xxx-foreverfit-xxx replied: Fuck both of you. I just wanna be a fly on the wall when they’re fucking each other...or better yet, DIRECT them on how to ruin each other #ironstrange #otp

@highpercentageofuselessnessachieved replied: i wonder if he can clone himself like can u imagine?? being fucked from all ends by #drstrange cock?? what i wouldn’t give to be tony stark omfg i don’t even want the money just the hard dickin from that fine piece of ass

@its_a_fact_that_captain_america_has_a_big_dick replied: He’s got Iron Man wrapped around his little finger so he must have the biggest dick and the know-how to use it properly. Yes pls and thank you very much, I’ll take that monster dick pronto.

@TGBYHN_4_LYFE replied: dude i tell u what i would do what @xxx-foreverfit-xxx said: sit in the corner w a ridign crop in 9’’ stilettos rubbin myself while directing them 2 do what i want...make em touch n stroke n suck n bite n fuck each other til they cant walk anymore n then cuddle w them n stroke their hair

@catcatcatcat-cat replied: I would give my college education, my life, my cow, and my internet access away for the rest of my life for a sex tape

@xxx-foreverfit-xxx replied: @TGBYHN_4_LYFE omfg fuCK YES CAN YOU IMAGINE listening to them moan as they lost themselves in each oter, so fucking desperate to get off that they’re begging you to let them cum even as they try their hardest to obey, covered in precum and sweat and hot as fuck

@bigfoot_is_nessie1987 replied: I s2g the amount of fanfiction I write about those two alone should have me committed but I literally can’t stop the two of them are so fucking hot together that it should be illegal god bless Iron Man and Dr Strange and their sexy, sexy chemistry and sexy, sexy bodies #killme

@one-upon-a-time-in-asgard2 replied: They are the hottest couple in the history of the universe and so fucking pure I love them both so much also @bigfoot_is_nessie1987 I demand a link to your fics cuz I’m always looking for more ironstrange porn #otp #ironstrange

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: @Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel Hey, they think you have a big dick. Little do they know that they’re totally right and that you also have the added bonus of actually BEING a big dick too! #dontthreatentoleavemeforplatypus #orilltagyouinthirstposts #awesomethirstposts #stephenhasabigdick #andiloveit #goodshit

@mwahahaha-666 replied: OH MY DUCKING GOD

@its_a_fact_that_captain_america_has_a_big_dick replied: Well, I’d be mortified that Tony Stark is replying to this except Tony Stark is acTUALLY REPLYING TO THIS BLESS YOU IRON MAN

@Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: One of these days I’m going to murder you with your own bravado and not lose a night’s sleep over it. And fine, I won’t touch Rhodes...I’m sure Rogers is free anyway, and he’s always so polite when I visit.

@bigfoot_is_nessie1987 replied: Please don’t read my fanfiction I will literally combust in embarrassment also I am dying over here in Copenhagen omfg

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: BRO CODE, DUDE. YOU’RE VIOLATING THE BRO CODE. I HATE YOU SO MUCH AND I WANT A DIVORCE.

@catcatcatcat-cat replied: ...oh my god what does that mean you guys are MARRIED??!?! BLESS THE WIZARD GODS!!!!

@Sorcerer_Supreme_With_A_Scalpel replied: Rhodes, I know you’re reading over his shoulder, so if you could please take away his phone now before he ends up on the cover of the Times...or breaks the internet. Again. Thank you in advance.

Tony reacts immediately, trying to make a break for it, but Rhodey’s already tackling him into the couch, a hundred and ninety pounds of lean muscle and pretty Class As. Tony hisses breathlessly, the wind knocked out of him, and he struggles valiantly to keep his hands on his tablet while Rhodey does his best to rip it away. He doesn’t have a very good position so he makes a hair-brained, split-second decision to throw his body weight to the side, making them both roll off the couch. Rhodey’s a jerk though, and manages to react fast enough so that Tony takes the brunt of the impact, and he can’t even help but groan in a mixture of mild pain and disappointment as he feels the tablet being removed from his lax fingers.

“Sucks to be you, Stank,” he says breathlessly, fingers flying over the keyboard, and Tony cranes his neck until he can read Rhodey’s reply (and on Tony’s fucking account what in the hell!):

@YouKnowWhoIAm replied: I think I broke your hot mess of a husband, Stephen. Come collect him before he murders me with his eyes or gets his hands on another electronic device. We’re in the lab.

Three seconds later, Stephen walks through a portal, looking oh-so-fucking-gorgeous in his battle robes, and wearing a scowl of irritation that bodes well for rough, mock-angry sex in the near future.

Tony grins unapologetically, and abandons the lure of social media in exchange for his pseudo husband.

It’s an easy choice.

Also read on ao3.

Feel free to prompt me things on my Bingo Card!

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attract-mode-collective · 8 years ago

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The Making Of Porn Parody Of An Old Kenji Eno Game, Part 1

[NOTE: as mentioned when describing the new direction for the blog, those long-form pieces that I had been debuting in the newsletter will now appear here first. Though, perhaps predictably, one that I’ve been working on is taking forever to finish, so I figured that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to republish ones that only subscribers had access to. Which many couldn’t even read in the first place, due to technical reasons. Hence why I am pleased to present to the general public, something that first appeared in the Super Attractive Club newsletter #10! The following is largely presented as it, though the author of the game’s Twitter handle has been added. Oh, and one more thing: Part 2 is headed your way fairly soon...]

One of my semi-regular haunts on the internet is the video game message board Select Button. Recently, a thread popped up entitled “This Ain’t Kenji Eno’s D: The XXX Porno Parody” in the back corner, for members only (hence the lack of any link).

It was started by an individual who goes by the handle HOBO and the following is all of his posts, presented largely as is, with minimal editing, for the sake of maintaining historical accuracy.

The formatting is also mostly the same; everything italicized is either someone else’s comments or my own notes and everything else is HOBO’s words, which have been published with permission.

D3: The Natural Playboys is still in the midst of development and I will provide further developments when the time is right…

10/27/16

I am on the SB Discord right now, as StanHansen, the #1 gajin pro-wrestler of all times. I have vowed that I will make the video game DDD, a sequel to D2. My sequel won't be for Dreamcast. It probably won't even be a video game. I downloaded Klik n Play, which I was competent enough to use way back when but now I'm a slow-witted fellow. I can't figure out how to get this shit running in W7. So this is gonna be a Ren'py game.

I don't want to draw characters so I'm just going to cut faces out of old porno mags I stole. I still keep under my bed. I highly recommend everyone invest in old timey pornography, or, if you're fortunate, make your own. We'll probably be spending a lot of the future in the dark and smut can help you through some hard times.

One of the magazines hidden under my bed is the May 2001 issue of TORSO: The bodybuilding magazine of the future. It has features such as Building Strong BONERS: Do you Kegel? and Confessions of a Dildo Connoisseur, both of which may be better ideas for games than DDD: The Natural Playboys. I'm flipping through it now and I am not sure I want any of these faces in my Kenji Eno tribute game. All these guys look like they were auditioning for an infomercial for a nose hair trimmer and got tricked into taking off their clothes. And getting boners. All slightly confused and not into it, as if they're saying "Like this?" through their forced smiles. Lots of Caesar haircuts. Not enough photos of guys holding up their cocks while wearing boxing gloves -- only one. There is a list of Hot New Web Sites made to look like an classic Mac OS window. None of the websites have proper domain names. Half of them are msn communities. One of them is on webtv: Todd's Erotic Wrestling Gallery. I assume none of them work nowadays.

I am now flipping through an old issue of Penthouse. One thing I am learning: the people who did pornos really dug Mac OS. There is a nude spread, in black and white with a few colored highlights, where half the page will have a butt and some cowboy boots, and below it a quote from Homer or William Blake. I don't think you can find that on pornhubs...can you? There's a comic about space lesbians having sex and stabbing aliens. It looks kinda 2000 AD. There is a review of Matthew Sweet's "Altered Beast" that mentions the video game but doesn't mention anime so it's worthless. There is an ad for Franklin Mint commemorative plates featuring dogs. I would buy those plates. And the final page advertises next month's issue. Its lead: The Hottest Women in America, featuring Hillary Rodham Clinton. Also some stories about the evils of industrial fishing and maintaining wood on a porno set.

Playboy gave Paris is Burning three Playboy bunnies out of four. Defending Your Life only got 2. Oliver Stone's Doors movie: four stars. Wilson Phillips, MC Hammer, Kenny G, and Hank Williams Jr won rock, r&b, jazz, and country albums of the year, respectively. Wow! There is a 20 questions with Whitney Houston, who claimed her horny level varied depending on the fullness of the moon. She also liked Public Enemy and admired Farrakhan. I am learning so much from this 25 year old issue of Playboy Magazine.

Anyway I was going to post this thread to shame me into finishing a bad idea game but instead it became a bad idea review of old porno mags. Please, if you have old pornos...tell me about them.

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Digital actress Laura, Jr. will be the only character who has never been horny, because she is 100% digital DNA.

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When asked: “arcade sequence action y/n”...

There will be an action sequence. The game will prompt you to open a separate exe and you'll have to play through a snowmobile sequence. When it's over you will return to the main game, and you better not lie about having cleared the snowmobile sequence. If you violate the honor rule you ruin things for everybody!

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Someone comments with: “Hypercard is an aesthetic we should all seek to return to, IMO.”

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10/28/16

There's a Hypercard framework for Ren'py. I thought I'd finally use it for this. Plus Jimmy Maher's been writing about Hypercard lately, which made me want to finally play the Manhole...but instead of doing that I decided "Let's spend the weekend making Hypercard game."

I don't know how anyone has the patience for sprite work. It is too damn hard. Everything has to be so exact! Unless you don't give a shit. I generally do not give a shit. I will just plop lines down anywhere. I can always fix them easily later! But if you only got a few dozen dots you better slap those dots down in the right spots, otherwise shit looks all wrong.

The stuff I've worked up so far looks all wrong but it's still fun to mess around with. I do not know if I have it in me to keep going like this -- I may have to go back to cutting up porno mags -- but it's been fun.

That's right. This game is copyrighted. Back off, software pirates!!

I stole this logo from somewhere, right? Is the Tri-Ace logo like this? Some album cover? What ever. It took 10 minutes. It's done.

I woke up and decided player character Laura is going to spend the whole game locked out of her apartment in her bathrobe. She might run into other digital actress Lauras. They won't be wearing bathrobes. This will allow me to reuse the same faces over and over but I can justify it by pretending I'm clever.

I'll get her eyebrows and everything else right sooner or later.

There will definitely be a Kenji Eno like-a-look in this software. He had a very good face.

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10/29/16

Oh God the main reason I posted another reply was cuz I meant to link to this imgur gallery and I forgot to do it. I love it so much. I want this guy to add my stuff to it.

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11/4/16

My Kenji Eno tribute gamesoft is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. I'm feeling pretty good about it, even though it's currently nothing but character sprites and background art and a few lines of placeholder dialogue in Ren'py.

Kenji Eno is hard to draw. I gotta fix up his suit. It's all wrong. His face...I dunno, maybe it's close enough? I have always loved his face. I have always loved Kenji Eno. Earlier today I finally listened to the Hinge Problems ep about Kenji Eno. I downloaded it years ago, and I have put off listening to it...for years. It was fun to listen to. But I also think Kenji Eno got the short end of the stick on there. I think Kenji Eno is a few tiers above Tommy Wiseau. I think if he kept living and people kept giving him money to make games he woulda finally hit a target. Maybe not the one he was aiming at, but he woulda hit eventually. Imagine how great games would be if we had a dozen Kenji Enos?

One of the things I learned from doing google-image-search "kenji eno" is that he wasn't always a fat dude. He was pretty slim by the end. He was kinda handsome! It made me feel bad about drawing King-Sized Kenji Eno...but that's my Kenji Eno, and he's dead so he can't stop me from doing it.

This is player character Laura, taking a shower. I deleted the shower lines. They were not to my satisfaction. A lot of it is not to my satisfaction. But trust me: she is taking a shower. That is a Kenji Eno thing, showers. That was a 20th century thing. People would pay money to watch ladies take showers in movies! Isn't that crazy? Should probably fix her shoulder. Maybe the bridge of her nose.

I think I once read something about Daniel Clowes being the sweatiest cartoonist of all times and I thought "No way. I am going to take his place. I'm already 70% of the way there." And I promise you all: everything I ever do is going to have a ton of sweat.

So M.C. Laura has an apartment where she showers. That means it's not at all gratuitous! It's all good! She gets locked out of that apartment soon after this. Maybe after she picks up that skull from the potted plant. Maybe you go back in there later and crack that safe.

I thought maybe this would be a young Laura who joined the D Navy but she doesn't look young enough. Do they give you cleavers in the navy? To chop potatoes? Maybe they should. I will add waves to the ocean later. Maybe you will climb that lighthouse. Maybe Kenji Eno is up there. Who fuckin knows! It's all a mystery...

I think Navy Laura MAY be cute and may be a bit too generic...but that may mean she is my personal character find of 2016. in this version she has a :GENKI: emote on her hat...but she is lacking the outlining on her tights. Pixel art is hard, and for suckers. Never do it!

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11/11/16

It's been hard to muster the enthusiasms to work on this or anything else, but I finished a background and another character, so I figured I would post it.

The background is a basement, and drawing a basement made me feel depressed, but then I got to fill in the pictures on the TVs. That made me feel better. I just wanted to draw some TVs.

The game now involves a cult. This Laura started off as a cult member. She may still be. She had the masquerade mask but she was topless, covered in paint, and really hairy, with a padlock piercing her left nipple and a skunk fur stole wrapped around her neck. It was a confused design and the more I worked on it the worse I felt about it, so I said fuck it, she's still a drunk and maybe she's still in the cult but she's also a digital actress who needs to blow off steam after shooting a period picture in uncomfortable costume. Which she wore home. To her basement. With all its TVs. Yeah, maybe this needs work.

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11/13/16

Someone says: “Hypercard is an aesthetic we should all seek to return to, IMO.”

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11/15/16

LET ME TOUCH YOU, DADDEH

Big Laura: Cyber~Lipqueen Edition.

I thought Laura would live in a cyber version of Philip Marlowe's apartment building from Altman's the Long Goodbye, but I got tired of trying to draw shit good so I said "LET'S JUST DRAW WHATEVER AND FILL UP SPACE WITH GRAFFITI AFTERWARDS." Yes, that is a graffito tag depicting a disembodied cartoon Laura head shouting "I'M GAY!", and if you click on it you will be able to modify it so it says "I'M SO GAY!"...but only if you win the lotto first, and use the winnings to buy a cyber-marker that lets you draw on the one-hundred percent digital walls of Miami South: The New Hollywood.

Gonna get Genki on the Moon.

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11/18/16

Hey every body it's a . . .

. . . Friday . . !

Don't hesitate to say "FUCK YOU" to any one who ticks you off...unless it's me. I didn't mean to piss you off, I swear.

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11/20/16

... After the election I was feeling really low and wondering if I should even bother making anything but now I think I gotta keep going...I gotta get really :genki:

… Last night I went to a screening of Blue Velvet. The experience was kinda awful -- it was in a cafeteria where they projected the Blu-Ray onto a big screen so MAYBE it's not a real-deal screening, the place was jam-packed, and almost everyone there was normal and attractive and on a date, which seemed really weird to me? Like, none of those squares were gonna go home and engage in real sickie sex. I don't think you should take a date to that movie unless one of you is gonna do some consensual face-punching after the fact.

But anyway, I saw Blue Velvet, and it had Laura Dern, who is a wonderful actress. Have you ever watched Enlightened? That was a fantastic television program. Maybe the last new program I watched and truly enjoyed. I mourned its death, which is something I haven't done for a TV program since I was a child. I highly recommend watching that show. But this Blue Velvet audience, they laughed a lot at Laura Dern, which upset me. I think she did a fine job. I also think maybe she was the inspiration for Laura. I haven't see Wild at Heart yet, but I think there's a 50/50 chance Kenji Eno bought a laserdisc player just so he could beat off to Laura Dern banging Nic Cage at the highest possible home video quality available in the early 90's. And even if she wasn't Kenji Eno's Laura I think she might be my Laura. Way skinnier, but she's my Laura. So if I ever get sued by the Eno estate let's submit this shit as evidence: Diane Ladd's daughter was my muse, not that Japanese weirdo.

Over the weekend I drew a gas station. It is also a diner. You ever write up a list of your top 10 gamesoft? I've done that a few times, but I don't think I've ever put Sam & Max Hit the Road on mine, even though I'm sure I've spent my entire life pining for that kinda road trip experience. I've spent so much of my life in a car, but most of the time I wasn't going anyplace fun. I wasn't going to Stuckey's, or Waffle House, or miniature golf, or some kind of mysterious cavern. And it's unlikely I'll ever get to go on a crazy road trip at this point in my life. So I think this game is going to be a game about hitting the road and, maybe, having a good time. It's going to be the game I wish FF15 was. I played that FF15 demo today -- it fuckin blew. D3 might blow ass but at least it won't be 90 hours long. I respect your time. I respect you.

I'm still not sure if alcoholic, adversarial Laura is going to be the cult member who takes over your apartment, or if you can hit the road with her...but I like her, even though I'm having the hardest time drawing her. I've spent the last month or so reading Gilbert Hernandez comics, because they bring me great comfort and I'm pretty sure he's the greatest living cartoonist (and possibly artist). I am now aware that I nicked so many concepts of this game from him, and it's probably more of a Beto tribute game than an Eno tribute game but in the end...above all...it's a tribute to me, and select button, all the girls I've loved before.

I recently re-read that 1up interview with Eno. It's a very good interview and I recommend looking it up on google cache, even though a few pages are missing from it. He mentioned that he added a story to D at the last minute, and that made me feel a bit better about how I'm approaching this game. I thought I was probably lying to myself, thinking that I can just generate assets and throw them together later and have a game...but fuck, if my boy Kenji could do it, why can't I? Why can't all of us. Let's all make games, cuz games suck and they could be so much better.

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11/27/16

No one's bad enough to endure 9 hours of D3, never mind 90! No one's bad enough! Believe it! Because D3 asks Tough Questions and forces the player to make Hard Choices! D3 is now FULL BLOWN GAMES-AS-ART because now it has...A MORALITY SYSTEM.

"How far will you go to get juice?" -- the tagline to "Juice (2031 Remake)" starring Laura, Jr. and Jermaine "Huggy" Hopkins IV.

Laura is a digital actress. She was designed for the screen, not for the streets. She's got a lotta learning to do now that she's locked out of her apartment with no money, no shoes...and no scruples! In this scene Laura has wandered into a convenience store only to find its clerk is asleep on the job. That means no one can stop you but you! Click on the cigs, the booze, the rubbers, or the raccoon...take whatever you want! But choose carefully, because you can only carry one item at a time -- remember, you're a damp actress with no pockets, and I'm an inept programmer who doesn't know how to properly implement an inventory system. I'll figure it out eventually, but for now let's all agree that my limitations are inspiring great art.

I am proud of the condoms, so here they are, zoomed in but not blown up. Don't blow up condoms before wearing them. It's a terrible idea! The condoms are an homage to Leisure Suit Larry, which is a horrible game that I think I might love? I played it for the first time a few years ago. I've thought about it nearly every day since. The scene where Larry tries to buy condoms is really, really racist. Does referencing it make me racist, too? Probably, so let's keep this magnum-sized condom art a select butt exclusive "easter egg".

I'm also proud of these cigarette boxes. I don't smoke, but I'd start if the boxes looked this cooł. I'd totally take money from Tobacco of any size if they wanted to make a Laura Boy brand -- I'm ready to sell out, and you can't judge me.

There are two Kids in this game. Here is Kid Lotto. You can visit him and play games of chance. Or you can kick his ass, cuz he's a fuckin tiny and you're way stronger than him. What's stopping you? NOTHING.

The other kid is Kid Blotto. He's an alcoholic and you can beat him up too, but it'll probably be really depressing and he'll probably puke on you. I haven't drawn him/her yet.

The following image was presented in a blurry fashion, using the site’s SFW tools...

I am blurring this behind spoiler text, cuz it's got bare lady boobs -- I want to make sure this thread is "work safe", even though it's got XXX PORNO PARODY in the title. I should maybe spoiler blur this too, because it'll be a shocking swerve when it's revealed that the leader of the cult that takes over Laura's apartment is ALSO the alcoholic masquerade ball Laura seen previously on this page...! Fuck!

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12/8/16

... Last week my tablet died, which slowed down my productivity. I couldn't easily draw pictures! Which may be for the best. Maybe if you're trying to make a video game you should focus on the game aspect. So I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to make this an interesting video game...a lot of wasted time, cuz I have no fuckin clue. But I did draw more pictures, I composed some music, and wrote a bunch of words.

I'm going to play Unlimited SaGa this weekend. I bet I can learn something from that. I bet D3 could be an unofficial sequel to a Kawazu and Eno game. I'm that confident.

While daydreaming about playing games I thought "Maybe Laura D. will wander Miami South: The NEW Hollywood in her bare feet, and she will have to rest occasionally, cuz her feet get so bloody and sore. She cannot wear shoes, because she is 100% digital, and her DNA lock keeps her from wearing tacky footwear such as sandals, or socks with sandals." And maybe I'd draw her feet, being all bloody and sore? But fuck, feet are the worst. No offense to anyone who's really into feet -- I am convinced foot fetishists are very focused, productive people and I'm deeply jealous of them -- but at a young age my older sister shamed me for my Fred Flintstone-looking feet, and I also read a lot of Rob Liefeld comics around the same time, so I have zero tolerance for feet. I believe they are ugly and also very hard to draw. But feet are an important part of the human anatomy and if you wanna make decent art you can't really avoid them. So I drew a few feet. You can see one of them here. Unlike most of the art I've posted so far I doubt I will ever revise this, cuz drawing feet is the worst.

I decided The Lauras would be pure digital beauty, except for their feet. Maybe that wasn't my Kenji Eno's thing. Maybe I'm projecting there. Maybe it's beautiful if your second toe is longer than your big toe? Please tell me this is the case, cuz I want to feel better about my feet.

HERE'S A LIST OF TOP 5 WORST THINGS TO DRAW:

1) Cars, except for those cute Choro-Q style cars Toriyama always drew in Dr. Slump. Those rank #6, cuz they're hard but maybe worth the effort. 2) Feet. 3) Ladies. I can't imagine being a dude or a lady drawing their horny ideal all day. Wouldn't that drive you crazy? How do you not spend all day pounding off rather than drawing? I avoided drawing ladies for this very reason. Well, that and cuz I bet my mom wouldn't approve of me drawing super hot babes. I'm getting over that now. D3 is all hot babes, all the time. No one can stop me! 4-5) I dunno, I forgot what the rest of the list was gonna be. Probably one body part or another -- humans are gross, and awful.

Miami South: The NEW Hollywood is where the world goes to make entertainment. Some of the entertainment is wholesome, some ain't...but a lot of it straddles the line between kid-friendly and the kinda shit your sickie dad would buy on clips4sale. This cop Laura who stars in CD-ROM video films where she somehow always ends up in her own handcuffs...she is a peek into the future of Pixar and such. Believe it. Furtopia...

Was Furtopia the name of that furry Pixar movie? I'm too lazy to google it. Either way...we all gonna see dads and moms covertly pounding off in the theater to Pixar movies within the next decade. I'm sure of it.

This is Ton Hardcore. She is the #1 character find of the 21st century, even though she's a total knockoff of Dump Matsumoto. Dump is the coolest of the pro-wrestlers. On the Discord I am StanHansen, but only because I was too chickenshit to take the name "DumpMatusmoto", because she was so tough and bad ass and beautiful.

A few years ago I wrote a screenplay featuring my tough gal Ton Hardcore. It was titled "Hooker #1". In the opening scene she butt-fucked a billionaire so hard he cried and gold coins fell from the pockets of his pajamas. There probably won't be any butt-fucking in D3, but if any of you guys got the Hollywood hook-up I have a script for the 2023 Pixar project ready to go.

Someday I would like to make a game about a pro-wrestler. One that focuses more on surviving on the road than performing in the ring. D3 may end up being that game. I bet being a digital actress ain't much different from being a pro-wrestler.

Ton Hardcore is my true Laura. She is going to be in everything I do. She's on my joystick. If you ever go to a FG tourney in the Northeast of the USA I will show you her looking cool, and in color, and bloody, cuz she's on my joystick. She's #1.

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12/15/16

A discussion about wrestling game emerges and someone says: “Still waiting for the 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand of wrestling games.” Def Jam Fight for New York is brought up, and then I mention my favorite guilty pleasure for the Xbox 360, Def Jam Icon…

I played the demo for Def Jam Icon way back when. I paid it no regard, because it was not by AKI. Perhaps that was unfair of me, but I believe hip hop and rapping is very cool, but not as cool as full-blown pro-wrestling....and the best pro-wrestling was delivered by AKI on the Nintendo 64.

I think AKI is the most successful b-tier late 90's j-gamedev that isn't From. Hell, maybe they are more successful. Demon's Souls is probably my favorite game of the last decade (it's almost January 2017, and GOD HAND came out in October 2006, so please do not debate this -- Demon's Souls is the best), but given the choice...I think I'd rather make a Style Savvy game than a Souls game. Though a cross between both...that's a dream game, right there.

I've spent most of the last week thinking about video-games, and trying to program them. I think the visual novel is bad. I can count the VNs I've enjoyed on one hand. I would like to make a video-game that I would enjoy, and that's probably a bad thing to think about. I have high standards! So maybe I should just settle for making a visual novel. But sometimes...you gotta believe. Sometimes you gotta go Kawazu. Sometimes you gotta try to program a board-game in Ren'py despite your incompetence as a programmer/gamedev.

The drawing above is from a diner scene. I think Laura D. will occasionally "take a load off", and visit a diner with the companion of your choosing. That is my 21st century "power fantasy", going to a diner with another human being. Just eating food, or having a drink, and talking about things. That is something I haven't done in the longest time, and can't imagine ever doing in the future. That is what DDD is shaping up to be. Lots of eating, and driving, in an America that never existed.

That Laura D. will not be in the final DDD. I like that drawing, but it's "off-model" as they say in the biz. On-model Laura D. isn't quite as chibi. She's leaner. Colder. She's a digital actress and she really isn't that interested in what anyone else is saying.

She's totally cool and may look more like this.

That image will also not appear in the final game, because I fuckin hate how static it looks, and how the feet are probably all wrong, and how there are no cars in that parking lot. Again, cars are almost as bad as feet, but maybe not as bad as horses. Horses are a fucking bitch to draw.

The Sailor, whose name hasn't been decided on yet, should be eating French fries but uh...I see I forgot to draw the French fries. Pretend she is a sulky teen who ordered only fries at D's diner. Every character will order a different food! You will learn so much about Laura D's companions at the diner, and so much of it will come form what they eat.

In the past I would have ordered a grilled cheese and fries at a diner. Now? Who the hell knows. I try to avoid having a good time. I try to avoid diners.

Earlier today I was drawing billboards. I fuckin love drawing billboards. I now love spirtework, cuz I can cut and paste shit and no one can shame me for it, cuz if you don't recycle shit video-games don't work. I liked how this image came out after cutting, pasting, and mirroring. I'd get it tattooed on my soul. On your soul. I'd make it my select-button avatar if the site still supported super big ass avatars. It's 100%

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