#alicent being right doesn’t discredit her wrongs

[feminist-propaganda]

Single Mothers Will Probably Cry During Every Episode Of  Queen’s Gambit - Episode 2

Episode 1, which I wrote about yesterday, was called Openings. It walks the viewer through Beth’s childhood trauma. The violent car crash she survives, and her entrance at an Orphanage where she discovers tranquilizers and the Chess Board.

In the first episode, Beth connects with her mother through fashion, which manifests in embroidery, that her young mind associates with the chessboard.

Yes, in the first episode, we see young Beth using tranquilizers to cope with the pain her mother’s passing has caused her. But Beth didn’t learn substance abuse from her mother. In fact, we never see her mother using mind altering substances through out the series. That is something Beth learns from mainstream society, symbolized by the orphanage, and later the Wheatley household.

Lesson 2 : Dissociate. Sometimes.

At the beginning of Episode 2, we watch as Beth gets adopted by the Wheatleys. The viewer is uneasy during the first couple of minutes. We observe nervously as Mr Wheatley stares at her in the mirror of the car. Afraid that he might try to sexually assault her once she is in his home. We relax as we watch the car park in front of a nice house in the suburbs of Lexington. For a glorious minute, we think that Beth is saved. She has a beautiful roof over her head, a mother and a father, a new high school.

The Wheatleys have the perfect house in the suburbs, a richly decorated interior, a piano. But quickly Beth comes to observe that Mr Wheatley detests being around his wife, that he disapears ever so frequently to other cities. And that most of all, he exercises a power over Alma that seems stronger than the laws of Nature.

We see that whenever Alma begins to discuss a topic he is not interested in, he clears his throat and she immediately turns to more unsignificant, meaningless chit chat. As he disapears into the black hole of his “business trips”, we understand that adopting Beth was merely an exit strategy for Mr Wheatley. He wants to give his wife a companion before checking out. He wants to leave her and can’t stand the marriage, but he doesn’t want to feel guilty about it. 

We discover that Alma has an addiction to alcohol and cigarettes. That her doctor prescribes the same tranquilizers that Beth used in the orphanage. And that she washes away her brain with these substances day in and day out. it is difficult to watch Alma stare at the television as she works through a six pack, or lay in bed all day with a terrible hangover, only to blame it on a “virus”.

In this episode, which might as well have been called the “Feminine Mystique” we explore the topic of women’s existential crisis in the 50s and the advent of second wave feminism. Alma discovers that adopting Beth does not solve all of her problems, that she still feels miserable. That “the problem with no name” as Betty Friedan called it, is still very much present in her life. So what is it? Why does she need to drink? What is she trying to numb?

It is no secret that during the Second War World, women were called upon by the Western governments to join the workforce. 

They worked in factories, offices, telephone centers and kept the economy going as their husbands, sons and brothers were sent to fight Hitler’s Germany. During this period; women proved that they could get the job done. And when their husbands came back from the front, a massive intellectual movement was launched. The purpose of this new mouvement was to send women back home. Betty Friedan, (who is clearly Beth’s namesake) theorized this in her 1963 best seller : the Feminine Mystique. 

She explains how College Professors, Journalists and General Practicians all flocked together to create a new narrative. In the 15 years between 1945 and 1960 the mouvement was so strong that American women were getting married at younger ages than in the third world. They were getting pregnant before high school graduation. And the few that went to college dropped out as soon as they could get a ring on their finger.

A smear campaign was launched to discredit the “feminists” that had “gone too far”. They were trying to “be men” and they had only managed to become bitter, ugly, spinsters. This message was repeated over and over again, in the magazines and TV shows. Women were caged in their homes, bored to death and miserable. They went to therapy where they were diagnosed with “penis envy” and sent home with tranquilizers. 

To paraphrase the great Nigerian feminist novelist Chimamanda Bgozi Adichie, women were being raised to aspire to marriage which is all fine and dandy until they realized that men were not being raised to aspire to marriage. Not at all. They were raised to pursue exciting adventures, to challenge their great minds, to adopt a hobby and become the best at it. They came home to depressed wives, that had little to contribute to the partnership. The men, like Mr Wheatley,  were uncomfortable, it was unbearable for them to be married to such souless creatures. 

So the business trip was invented! 

What is remarquable about Betty’s account of what it is to be an intellectual woman in the U.S.A. during this period; is that she explains that the previous generation was the exact opposite of this. The mothers of the Bettys were the Alices. Mathematicians. College educated women. They had fought in what is now dubbed the first wave of feminism. Obtained the right to go to school, to have a bank account, to vote. They were the sufragettes. They wore white and relayed each other on the picket fence. They had fought very hard to obtain the right to exit the home, to stop belonging to men, to own property. And now their own daughters were being brain washed to abandon all of these rights and cage themselves. It was devastating to witness such a thing. I believe Alice’s character is named after Alice Paul who obtained the right to vote in 1920.

The first time Beth sees Mr and Mrs Wheatley argue, she sees the way he humiliates his wife. They are seen arguing in the driveway. He is leaving, he holds his briefcase and is about to enter the vehicle. In a couple of sentences, he tells her she’s a terrible driver, that she needs exercise, and belittles her new companion. In his own words: “She doesn’t seem like she has a whole lot to say”. Once Mr Wheatley leaves, Mrs Wheatley takes to the piano and plays a melancholic song beautifully. Beth comes down the stairs and watches. Mrs Wheatley pretends like she isn’t sad her husband left, like she doesn’t sense that he is in fact leaving her. That she doesn’t know that the business trip is a lie. She tells Beth “Please stop gawking you’re making me nervous”. In this scene, when Mrs Wheatley sees Beth coming down from the stairs she says in a fake, sweet voice: “You’re up early, must be all of the excitement due to your first day of school”. 

When she does this, Mrs Whealtey  is actually engaging in something called “The prevention of real talk”. Marco Rogers, who goes by the handle @polotek on Twitter theorized this in a tweet in January 26th. 

He continues

Twitter user @SerenissimaLAz1 chimed in and confirmed that white women were tasked with the Prevention of Real Talk. We see Alma do this several times during the episode. Every time she senses that a conflict might occur, she changes the topic of the conversation; adopts a fake sweet voice and steers the energy away from the issue at stake.

Instead of being honest with Beth about the state of her marriage, her doubts, she makes up a little story in her head. Nothing is wrong. Beth is excited for school. Beth then asks her head on : Where is Mr Wheatley? And Mrs Wheatley tells her that he must travel once more. She makes a sentence that seems to say that she believes him. And adds a snark comment at the end “As he likes to remind me, he puts the roof over our head”.

Thus, Mrs Wheatley summarizes the second wave of feminism. Women in the 50s could not win a single argument with their partners and had to resign every fight because in the end they weren’t the breadwinners. The were “just” the homemakers. 

Beth then tells this new mother of hers that she plays the piano beautifully and Mrs Wheatley tells us that she always dreamed of joining the orchestra, but that she had stage fright. Then she got pregnant.

Beth looks out of the window at the end of the episode. She’s started menstruating. She is atracted to some of her opponents in the chess tournament. She has learned that women that live inside of suburban houses are miserable. As she looks out in the window, and into the quiet driveway, she sees Alice’s face. Alice tells her “Close your eyes”.

These were Alice’s last words before she crashed into the truck, as we have explained. But here, they take on a new meaning. What Alice is telling Beth, is that in life, she will sometimes have to learn to dissociate from the situations she finds herself in.

According to the Better Health Channel:

Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.

The dissociative disorders that need professional treatment include dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, depersonalisation disorder and dissociative identity disorder.

Most mental health professionals believe that the underlying cause of dissociative disorders is chronic trauma in childhood.

The episode presents the dissociative process that single mothers follow to cope with the realities of patriarchy. And how, when they do this, they make their chldren, espeacially their daughters, feel anxious. It is scary to think that the female adults are telling you to “close your eyes”. What is it that they don’t want you to see? And how long can they hide it from you? Mrs Wheatley tries to conceal her pain, use a sweet voice and stuff herself with tranquilizers. Alice is brutally honest, tragically self aware. Alice decides to live in a trailer, removed from society. She does not lie to her daughter. She lives in her own truth. But still, she says : Close your eyes. 

To win the tournament, her very first tournament, Beth uses the tranquilizers she stole from Mrs Wheatley. She can’t stand her own emotions, they are too painful. She is too afraid. She remembers the life lessons from Mrs Wheatley (Drink your pain away; be numb, pretend everything is fine, use a sweet voice) and Alice’s lessons (Close your eyes). One could even argue she uses the lessons she learned at the Orphanage, because we see Beth use a snarky comment when she beats Beltik about how he should’ve been on time. 

To beat Beltik, Beth blocked “it” out. In the terms of a psychiatrist : she dissociated. Pretended that she wasn’t under pressure, that no one was watching her, that she wasn’t losing. She ate the pill and mushed over her brain. Then she looked up at the ceiling and saw the pawns, and did what she learned to do at the orphanage. Visualize the board, move the pawns, envision every scenario, find the best move.

Beth rushed to the bathroom and takes the pill. She looks up at the ceiling and there is the chessboard. Finally she can focus on the board, and work her way out of the pickle she’s in. Win the tournament.

She comes back from the bathroom with a weird, relaxed look in her eyes. And she wins. 

Steady cold. And with the money from the tournament she buys more dresses.

[sasuhinasno1fan]

Pining insanity

So I think I know who this is, in terms of I might know you on Discord. @after-midnightmunchies, I hope you enjoy this for the @voltron-ss, it was easy on the part of we ship the same ships but I won’t discredit how hard it was to try and figure out what couple to do and come up with a prompt. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

“Hunk, open the door.” Lance whined from the other side of the door of the Samoan’s dorm room.

The door swung open, Hunk looking extremely concerned, that concern growing when Lance dropped his head against Hunk’s chest.

“Lance, what’s wrong?”

“They were kissing.” Lance moaned.

“Who? Oh, wait. You mean.” Lance nodded, sounding wounded. “There, there. It’s ok. Come on.”

Hunk led Lance into his room and let him drop on his bed. Hunk sat on the bed and patted Lance on the back, trying to let him feel better.

“Why can’t I forget it? This is so…uggg!” Lance moaned.

“Because love doesn’t leave when you want it to. So you saw Keith and Shiro kiss huh?” Hunk said.

“Yeah. I know it shouldn’t be a surprise. I’m Keith’s roommate and I’ve been friends with them since I worked on the project with them. I shouldn’t have fallen for them, but I did. What is wrong with me?”

It’s something Lance had been going through for the past couple months. Before the two even started dating, Lance had a crush on them both but when they got together, he tried forgetting it. And failed. Hanging out with them felt like torture sometimes and while he wanted to push away, he didn’t. They meant too much to him to try and forget them.

“Nothing is wrong with you. You heart just decided it wanted something you can’t have, though unless their poly, which I do remember them being.”

“Don’t start Hunk. There is no way it’s gonna happen.” Lance said, no matter how much he wished it. He took a big breath and pushed himself up. “I can do this, I can forget these feelings and I’ll be fine.”

“Yes you will.” Hunk said feelingly, patting Lance’s shoulders. “How about we do an indoor spa night? Maybe we can pull Allura away from all the clubs she’s in.”

“Oh, I can’t.” Lance said, looking a bit guilty. “I promised Shiro and Keith I’d go to the movies with them.”

“Movies? With them? On a Friday? Like, obvious date night?”

“They invited me. And they asked which movie I wanted to see. If they plan on making out the whole time, at least I’ll be focused on a movie I want to see and not them.”

“Uhhh,” Hunk seemed confused but nodded anyway. “Ok, sure I guess. Tell me how it goes right?”

The movie was fine. Lance enjoyed it and the small part that Lance wanted to show in a corner enjoyed how Keith and Shiro made him sit in between them. They had been on the level above the middle walkway, so Lance had propped his feet up on the railing. Keith had done the same, Shiro whispering to them that they’d get in trouble, but Keith made his feet rest in a way that he was leaning more on Lance.

Being a cuddler, Lance was fine, though he had been wondering why Keith was cuddling against him. Keith wasn’t much for physical contact unless he started it but even then, never to the point of cuddling. Lance decided to ignore that and focus on the movie. It did make him think though. This wasn’t the first time he joined them in an outing that could have been a date for them.

‘It can’t be that odd. We’re really close friends and Allura and Hunk are busy most of the time.’

Lance was walking to his dorm, trying to text Keith. Keith had offered to take him to the mall and after the day he had, Lance needed retail therapy. Plus, it would give him a chance to get Allura a pick me up present from the Lush store with all the work she was doing with the groups she was in and the work she was putting on herself.

“Get it loser, we’re going shopping.”

At the sound of iconic lines, he turned to see Keith pulling up to where Lance was standing.

“Did you just Regina George me? You?” Lance had never felt more in love-No, no, nope. Not love, because Keith had a boyfriend and wouldn’t be interested in Lance McClain, nope, no way.

“Yes, and I hated every minute of it.”

“What are you doing here anyway?” Lance asked, stepping closer to Keith’s open window.

“I was coming to invite you out to the mall and you look like you’ve had a day. Come on, I’ll even get you a Cinnabun.” Keith said the magic words. Lance was quick to get into the passenger seat. “You and your gigantic sweet tooth.” Keith said, laughing to himself.

“Less jokes and more driving. We’re getting Cinnabun first.”

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at the mall and Keith followed Lance as he dashed right over to where Cinnabun was held. He looked like a kid in a candy store at the sight of the iced rolls.

“Which one do you want?” Keith asked, leaning close to him, looking over his shoulder.

Lance pointed to one in the corner that looked like it was completely covered in icing. “That one.”

“How do you not get cavities?” Keith asked, while getting the worker’s attention.

“I take perfect care of my teeth, thank you very much. My dentist still can’t believe I’ve never got a cavity before.” Lance boasted, not seeming to pay a whole lot of attention to his dessert being taken and put into a box until it was handed to Keith, who paid and handed the desert to Lance. “I could have paid.”

“I don’t mind. Come on.”

Lance watched Keith walking away. It had been weird, all the times he hung out with Shiro, Keith or both, it felt different for some reason. Lance was sure that it was because he had crushes on them but it was different than that.

Just the other day, Lance had been missing his cat, and Shiro surprised him by driving him to the closest cat café, which was an hour away, even buying Lance a cat eared beanie he had been looking at when they got in there. Shiro was allergic to long haired cats but he didn’t complain a bit when all the long haired cats surrounded Lance, one blacked haired cat even crawled up into Shiro’s lap.

Even now, Keith letting Lance drag him around, and feeding him pieces of his Cinnabun while he carried his shopping bags after Lance refused Keith’s help carrying them, it felt very different. Lance didn’t know why, but these outings had been feeling a bit more like dates.

Which couldn’t be right, because Keith and Shiro didn’t like Lance like that.

Right?

Lance wasn’t sure how much more of this he could handle. For the past month, maybe more, Keith and Shiro had been acting flirtatious to Lance. Lance could say with full confidence that while he could let out pickup lines to any person who caught his fancy, getting them in return, he became a complete mess. It wasn’t blatant flirting, just little things. Compliments on his appearances, giving him praise when he did something good, doing small little things for him.

“I think they know.” Lance was telling Hunk.

They were in Lance’s dorm for a change. Lance knew Keith would have a long lab at the time, so he didn’t have to worry about Keith coming back when Lance was gushing about him and his boyfriend.

“What makes you think that?” Hunk asked, gently rubbing Lance back. His own back was against the wall the bed was pushed against, Lance laying on his stomach in front of him.

“They’re being…I don’t know, boyfriend-y? I mean I like it but it’s just weird. It’s like they know how I feel and they’re trying to get me to admit it, like try to kiss them or something.”

“Lance, come on. This is Keith and Shiro, they wouldn’t do something like that to trip you up or anything. Maybe they’re just being nice or-”

“Hunk, if you try to say that they might like me, I’m kicking you out. There isn’t a chance in hell that they’d feel that way for me.”

Hunk frowned at his friend’s self-deprecating comment. He really wished Lance had the confidence he could fake. Maybe then he’d realise just how important he was.

“Fine,” he said begrudgingly, “what are you going to do about it then?”

“I don’t know, pretend it doesn’t exist and hope like hell I’m just seeing things?”

Lance phone dinged with a notification and Lance leaned over to grab it from his bedside table.

“Don’t drop it again.” Hunk warned. He was honestly surprised Lance hadn’t cracked his phone’s screen the amount of time’s it’s slipped out of his hands. He was really gonna have to bug him about getting a pop socket for it.

It got safely into Lance’s hands and onto the bed so he could open and scroll through it. He pouted at the message. “Ugg, reminder to get tickets to the Royal Ballet’s film of Alice in Wonderland.”

“I’m really sorry I can’t take you.” Hunk apologized. His girlfriend went to the same school their friend Pidge attended and he was planning on driving up to go see her. Lance was determined to go and see the ballet, but so far he couldn’t find a ride.

“It’s fine. I mean the tickets are expensive anyway. But I really want to see it, I know they have the DVD of the first one they did, but the Alice that’s playing is a fav of mine from the company. And the White Rabbit. Besides, I think you’d get tired of me gushing about ballet.”

“I swear, if your parents could have afforded to send you and your sisters to ballet classes, you’d still be doing it wouldn’t you?”

“Hell yeah,” Lance said, turning on his back. “But just watching it is enough. It’s so worth it to see the beautiful dancing and the costumes. God, whoever could go with me will think I’m so weird for being so overly excited for this. I just really, god Hunk. I really want to go. Even if I have to spend my entire pay check on the ticket, I want to go.”

The door swung open and Keith walked in, looking tired.

“You’re back early. I thought you had lab?” Lance asked, watching Keith drop his bag on the end of his bed and drop down on it.

“Fire alarm went off because in another lab, someone set something on fire, so we have to reschedule. I’m really tired.” He answered, running his hands through his hair.

“You sleep. I can go to Hunk’s room.” Lance said.

“Oh, uh I actually need to start on an essay. Sorry.” Lance felt like Hunk really wasn’t. Something told him Hunk was trying to be sly and keep Lance and Keith in the same room.

Hunk gave him a look as he headed out the door, while Keith flopped down on his bed looking close to sleep. Lance sighed; Hunk really knew how to push it.

“Come on Keith, at least take you shoes off.” He instructed, approaching the half asleep young man. He unzipped Keith’s boots and pulled them off for him, tugging at the blanket Keith was on top of. Keith ached enough for Lance to pull it from under him and cover him. “Good?”

Keith hummed, already slipping off into dreamland. Lance knew he should just go back to his side of the room and do something, but it wasn’t often he got to see Keith asleep. Lance usually passed out first or Keith would be in Shiro’s room. Lance wanted that, to fall asleep next to them. Lance was a hug fan of cuddles piles and napping with other people and he had to be honest, both Keith and Shiro were the perfect cuddling partners, well except for Hunk. It was Hunk, nothing could beat him.

Lance wanted the chance to snuggle close with them, happy and safe in their arms, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t theirs and they weren’t his. They couldn’t be, why would they want him?

Lance was curled up against the door of Hunk’s bedroom, waiting for him to come back. He needed help. He heard voiced and looked up to see Hunk and Allura turning the corner.

“Lance? Hello, how are you? I haven’t seen you for a while.” Allura greeted. She wasn’t wrong, her workload and other obligations had made her too busy to hang out with him and Hunk. He guessed she was finally free if she could help Hunk bake, judging from the baking items in their hands. He could smell the lemon berry cake from where he was sitting.

“You ok? You look kinda, I don’t know, stunned I guess? What’s wrong?” Hunk asked.

“Can you open the door? I need to sit down.”

Hunk let them all in, resting the cake on his desk and focused on putting his stuff away, while Allura sat next to Lance on Hunk’s bed. Lance pulled something out of his bag and handed it to Allura.

“These are tickets to the screening of the Alice in Wonderland performance. Lance you got tickets? That’s amazing. But, there are three?”

Lance wasn’t even looking at Allura, more interested in his sleeves. “That’s because I didn’t buy them. Shiro and Keith got them for me, as a date. Because apparently, I’ve been their boyfriend and I didn’t even know.”

“Wait, what?” Hunk abandoned putting away his baking items and sat down next to Lance. “What do you mean?”

“You know how I’ve been complaining about how they’re really extra, flirty and I was sure they knew and were trying to get me to admit it? I confronted them about it after they gave me the tickets and they looked so confused. They were under the impression that I agreed to date them like 2 months ago. Except, you know how I feel about them. If they asked me to date them I’d be screaming it from the rooftops. So how, ugg, how did they come to that conclusion? Were they joking and just messing with me? Did it actually happen and I somehow forgot? What?”

“Ok, first calm down. I’m the only one who gets panicky here. And second, I know it’s not something you want to hear, cause I know it’ll confuse you, but I don’t think they’d trick you. You know those two, they’d never to that to you.” Hunk said

“That should make me feel better, but I just feel confused. How, when did this happen? Not only that, after they told me that and just looked at me, like they couldn’t understand why I didn’t know this, I just took off. Now they’ll never like me.” Lance moaned, hiding his face in his hands.

“Lance, come on. They did so much for you. They genuinely like you, I know it.” Allura tried comforting, but Lance just continued making wounded noises in his hands. “I will call Shiro and find out what happened ok? I think they also deserve an explanation.”

“No! You can’t call him please. I don’t want them…I can’t…”

“Lance, you deserve an explanation as to what happened, why did they even think this and they deserve to know what you’ve been going through. Hunk, stay with him.” Allura got up, already dialling a number.

“Hunk.” Lance whined, but Hunk just rubbed Lance’s back, trying to be the smallest amount comforting as he could be, while wondering if he was going to have to throw punches. “What if it was all a mistake? How am I going to face them? I room with Keith!”

“You can room in here. Rolo is never here so he won’t mind.” Hunk was quick to say. Lance let out another wounded noise and dropped to hide his face in Hunk’s lap.

“Ok, they’re coming here.” Allura said after getting off the phone.

“Wh-Here?”

“Yes here. Lance needs a place where he feels like he has control and he can’t do that at his or Shiro’s room, so he can do it here. Now, Lance I know you haven’t really calmed down much so do you want us to stay here when they come or do you want to face them yourself?”

“I don’t know. Are they really coming here?”

“If they don’t want me to go start yelling at them without getting the whole story, yes. Don’t choose now. Shiro has to collect tests from the class that he’s TAing so once he’s done with that, they’ll be right over. Now Lance, deep breaths please.”

“Do you want a slice of the lemon berry cake? I was gonna give you half anyway since Shay likes it more than Pidge so I knew she wouldn’t try to devour it when Shay turned her back.” Hunk asked

“Please.”

Lance had almost devoured his half when someone knocked on the door. He was more put together than he had been when he first entered the room.

“Do you want us to stay?” Allura asked, getting up.

“Can you stay outside the door?”

“Of course.” She opened the door where both Shiro and Keith looked uncomfortable and apologetic. “We’ll be outside the door, so don’t give me a reason to storm back in here, got it?”

“Yes princess.” Shiro answered

“Excellent. Hunk, come on.”

Hunk gave Lance shoulder another pat on the shoulder and followed Allura out the door, the low click closing Lance in with the two guys he still felt in love with, even with all the confusion. The quiet felt so awkward though. Lance wasn’t used to this, with them silence didn’t feel weird or suffocating. Somehow it always felt fine, even during the times Lance felt like he had to hold a much tighter grip on his feelings.

“Lance, um…” Shiro started. Shiro never seemed unsure of himself like he did standing in front of Lance. “Allura told us that, you never knew that we asked you out.”

“Trust me if I did, I would know.”

“I see. Can we tell you when we asked you out, and see if you remember? Maybe we weren’t as clear as we thought.”

How would he not remember? He was more than certain that the day Shiro and Keith ever asked him, he would never forget. Nothing could make him forget it.

“Remember the Harry Potter dance a few months ago?” Keith asked.

Dance? Oh the family and friends weekend dance. They had the theme of Harry Potter that weekend and he and his friends went wearing house cardigans and ties over their outfits. He remembered he switched Shiro’s Hufflepuff tie with his Ravenclaw one. Though, he was sure when he woke up still in his clothes from the night before, he was wearing a Gryffindor one.

“You slipped between us on the dance floor and were being your usual self and I think that’s when it hit us. We’ve liked you for a while and we had been wondering we were ready to add someone else to our relationship.” Keith continued.

“The last time wasn’t the best. Keith and I almost completely lost each other, so we’ve been really careful in this, that decision. But I don’t know, just watching you dance between us both, it kinda clicked for us that we wanted to ask you out.”

Lance remembered that. He remembered the small burst of courage that made him slid between the two of them, keeping their attention on him. He was quick to disappear once embarrassment caught up with him.

“We talked it over once more, to make sure we were both in agreement and then went to look for you. You were on one of the couches, resting I guess. You seemed a bit tired but you answering clearly so…”

That he didn’t remember. After he danced, he went over to the refreshment table and…

“This is gonna sound strange, but was I drinking anything when you came over?”

The two black haired guys look at each other confused at the question but Keith answered anyway. “Um, I think you had a cup. Why?”

The two stared at Lance as he burst into an entire string of curse words and muffled screams. They could hear something banging just outside the door. Keith decided to check on the two outside while Shiro kneeled in front of Lance.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Lance didn’t say anything except moan and groan even more, hiding his face in his hands. “Lance, please tell me what’s wrong. If we did something wrong, we want to know.”

“I was drunk. I’m a sleepy drunk.”

“What? Drunk? Lance, I swear we didn’t do anything except ask you out.”

“I know. I know you wouldn’t. I know you guys would never do that. I just…uggg!”

“Lance doesn’t remember anything once he’s drunk. He might say or do anything but he has no memory of it. Whether it’s because he’s tired or blacked out, well…” Allura filled in for Lance.

“So when we asked Lance out and if he’d wanted to be our boyfriend and he said yes…?” Keith started.

“Lance had no clue what he agreed to the next day. But hey, at least the mystery of the necktie is solved. It must have been Keith’s.” Hunk said

“Um, yeah, you said, ‘I’ll be your boyfriend, but I want Keith’s tie.’ Then after you got it, you said, ‘I never thought you would ever be interested in me’.” Keith explained.

Lance sounded like a wounded animal making Shiro hit Keith in the leg.

“Obviously there has been a lot of miscommunication. Lance, we’re really sorry we’ve cause you all this trouble. We never meant for you to feel confused or anything. We should have made sure to check with you the next day instead of just assuming.”

“I need time to process everything.” Lance said, sounding out of breath.

“Of course. We can go. We are sorry Lance. Trust me, we never wanted a relationship with you to start out so misleading.”

Lance appreciated how understanding they were being. Now he had to figure out just what he was gonna do now.

Lance thought long and hard. He still wanted to be with Keith and Shiro. While he wasn’t in the know about being their boyfriend, they still treated him so well. He had Allura act like a bridge between them and according to what she heard from them, the reason they hadn’t moved for more romantic moves was because they knew Lance liked to move slow with his relationships. He wanted the first kisses to be special and they wanted to give Lance the kiss he wished for.

“They really care about you. Poor Shiro looks like he did something horrible. I think he think he disrespected you assuming you were all going out without checking with you.”

“I want to give it a real chance with them. I just don’t know if it should approach them or wait for them. What if they lose interest?”

“Lance, trust me. They aren’t losing interest. They just don’t want to rush you.” He knew she was right. Didn’t mean he still didn’t worry.

He was heading back to his room. Rolo got into a fight with his own girlfriend and decided to take advantage of the empty room that Hunk left after his classes. He knew Shiro had made Keith room with him to give Lance space, so he was sure the space to relax and try and decompress. However he was surprised at the sight of Shiro and Keith leaning against the wall to his door. Why Keith was waiting outside made no sense, he never forgot his keys. Lance was guilty of that more than he cared to admit. He also noticed a big bouquet of tulips in Shiro’s hand. Tulips were his mom’s favourite flower and he loved the sight of them.

“Lance.”

“Hey guys.”

Shiro handed him bouquet of flowers. “These are for you. We wanted to ask you something, if you’re willing to hear us out?”

“Uh, yeah?” What was going on?

“Keith and I have feelings for you and we’ve talked about it a lot and we want you to be with us, if you wanted.”

“Ok?” why were they telling him this? He knew this already. Wait, hang on. Where they? Could they be? Were they asking him out, like it was the first time, because he had been in a drunken mind space he didn’t remember the first?

“At the Harry Potter dance, it kinda hit us how much we wanted to be with you. And we’re really sorry it took us so long to come and ask you this. I don’t think I could take waiting anymore. We want to be with you. Like take you to the movies.”

“Feed you Cinnabuns when you’re focused on shopping.” Keith said, making Lance smile.

“Take you to a cat café when you’re missing your own cat.”

Their dates, or what had been dates without Lance’s knowledge. They wanted to do that stuff all over again, with him with the knowledge of knowing now.

“We want you to be our boyfriend Lance, and possibly go out with us this weekend?” Keith asked

“Where to?”

“Well, I heard that you really wanted to go see the screening of the Royal Ballet’s Alice in Wonderland, so we got tickets.” Keith answered, pulling out three familiar tickets from his back pocket. “And before you ask, these aren’t the one we gave you. We got other copies from the theatre. We wanted to do this from scratch.”

Ooh, how could Lance say no? He didn’t think anyone would ever go through such effort. His past relationships didn’t.

“Sure. I would love to.” Before he lost his nerve, he did what he had been dying to do forever and quickly pressed kisses to their cheeks. He was glad to see they were turning about as red as he felt. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

“Oh well, it’s taken everything to keep Keith from shoving you in a corner and kissing the daylights out of you, so we understand.” Shiro explained

“You only say that because once I start, you’ll want to join in.” Keith was quick to snap back.

Lance stifled his giggles, watching his boyfriends argue in front of him. Boyfriends, Lance could get used to that word very quickly.

[dinercast]

So there are a lot of theories out there about who the Black Hood is: it’s Hiram Lodge sowing seeds of chaos, it’s dark!Kevin Keller, it’s Sheriff Keller playing vigilante. And honestly, we’ve been a fan of most if not all of them. But after a few canon debunkings, we’ve settled on one that we think is pretty solid: Hal Cooper is the Black Hood.

This is not a new theory, we know. In fact, we’ve already toyed around with the idea. But this newest episode drove home this theory in different ways.

All in all, it comes down to a few things. The main one being who has access to all this personal information about Betty and her friends and family. At first, we thought that maybe someone in the police force had gotten ahold of Jughead’s manuscript after searching FP’s trailer, and was using it for their vendetta. (Our favorite theory was that Sheriff Keller was the Black Hood, but since then the show has told us the Sheriff is out of the running.) Now, the Black Hood told Betty she’d recognize his face, so anyone at the police station is out. In telling Betty that she’d recognize him, I’m fairly certain that was the writers telling the audience we’d recognize him, which means it’s a fairly main character we’re already familiar with.

Who knew where Polly was staying and that she was pregnant with her cousin’s babies? Who knew Betty used to constantly check out the Nancy Drew book from the library? Who knew Miss Grundy had preyed on Archie? Who knew Alice was once arrested as part of the Southside Serpents? Who is a middle aged, averagely built man? Hal Cooper.

There are some slight holes in the theory, but we think we can fill them in pretty nicely.

What about the fact that analysis shows the note Alice got and the note Betty got were written by two different people? The first note wasn’t actually written by the Black Hood, it was created by Alice to drum up interest and put the Riverdale Register back in the limelight. It would explain why Alice was so absolutely adamant that the letter Betty got couldn’t be from the Black Hood. And if the first letter was actually the Black Hood, why did he suddenly stop writing to Alice and turn his attention to Betty? Alice has, in the past, run articles with little to no evidence with fire-fueling headlines, and I wouldn’t put it past her to fabricate evidence.

Why would he send notes to Betty in the first place? If we’re running with the assumption that Alice (or someone else) fabricated the note, the real Black Hood would want to fix that. Except there’s no way to PROVE that it wasn’t the Black Hood. So what else can you do? You can discredit the Riverdale Register and Alice herself. By giving Betty the mugshot (which Hal could easily have given that 1. He’s her wife and 2. Has access to records being a journalist) and having her run it in a school paper, he’s doing two things. First, he’s showing that Alice can’t be trusted because she has a sordid past that she not only didn’t disclose but aggressively tried to cover up. And second, the fact that a 16 year old girl with a high school paper is getting exclusive information and damning evidence while the more “professional” and “legitimate” paper is doing nothing but stirring the pot is pretty damning. On top of that, Hal didn’t look all that upset that Betty had run the mugshot in the Blue and Gold. He did look, however, very put out that Alice essentially flipped the bird to the whole town showing up to the SoDale gala, especially have he’d gone around telling people she wasn’t going to come. We also have to remember that within the show’s time line, the two of them were talking about getting a divorce and throwing rocks and insults at each other at MOST a couple months ago. Also, having Betty find out the identity of the Sugarman is pretty ingenius. If Hal went digging and then the Sugarman wound up dead, it would be pretty damning evidence.

What are his motives? We’ll be honest, we’re not 100% sure what Hal’s motives would be as the Black Hood. Maybe he just got so fed up with the stains in the town that he decided to take matters into his own hands. What we do know is that in the past, Hal has had no problem getting his hands dirty to do what he deemed the right thing to do. Breaking into the Sheriff’s house to steal evidence. Lying to his family about their relation to the Blossoms. Sending his own daughter away to save face. If Hal already had a crack in his chassis, it might not take that big of a push to break it apart.

Why would he go after Fred? Okay, so. We don’t think Fred’s shooting had anything to do with the Black Hood’s supposed cleansing. His “sin” is flimsy, and the situation is highly suspect. We really think the mugger went into Pop’s diner solely for the money, and when Fred and Archie accidentally escalated the situation, Fred got shot. All the attacks and murders that happen AFTERWARDS are far more calculated and precisely carried out, and it makes no sense that the Black Hood would refine his MO so quickly and efficiently. What would make sense is for a vigilante to take credit for that crime, in order to throw the a wrench in the police’s investigation.

Hal doesn’t have green eyes! Exactly! The green eyes don’t actually matter, it’s all a red herring! Does the man who shot Fred Andrews have green eyes? Probably. Does the Black Hood, Riverdale’s Angel of Death, have green eyes? Probably not. Archie is narrowing the scope of his investigation by hyper fixating on the color of the shooters eyes, and refusing to widen his scope. But by bringing up eye color over and over, they’re also making sure that the audience assumes the Black Hood must have green eyes as well. Whether they’re working together or not, it’s very likely that there are more than one Black Hoods, and by ruling out a whole eye color, Archie is shooting himself in the foot.

But what does the Riverdale Reaper have to do with anything? This is another huge red herring. Because while the crimes of the Reaper are important, the man himself is not. Multiple characters have said that the Black Hood is the new Reaper, but they couldn’t be more wrong. The Black Hood isn’t emulating the Reaper; he abhors sin. The Black Hood is emulating the group of men who took matters into their own hands and got rid of the Reaper. Whoever told Betty about the house near Fox Forest had obviously been there before. And if he’d been there before, he’d found the box of old Sheriff Howard’s notes. If it was Hal, he would have dug into the cast and easily discovered a third Conway child, using his resources at the Register and his pull as a journalist. And if he could do that, it’s not a stretch to assume he could have talked to so-called town elders to get the real story. Sure, the fact that the Reaper was “taken care of” never made it to the police blotter or the front page, but people talk. There are always whispers. And if the town had known, would it really have mattered if an evil man had been scrubbed from their town? Probably not.

Now, the last bit of evidence comes less from logic and detecting, and more from our decades of watching TV shows: the sudden sexual and romantic tension between FP and Alice. Well, okay, not sudden exactly; there were bits and pieces last season. But in this last episode there was a lot, and it was overt. The show wants to do more with them, that much is obvious. But what about Hal? I guess he and Alice could just divorce, but that’s not nearly dramatic enough for Riverdale. What is dramatic enough? Hal being the Black Hood and either getting gunned down in a fire fight or being hauled off to jail for being a masked vigilante.

So there you have it. Hal Cooper is one of the, if not the only, legitimate Black Hood(s). It’s not a perfect theory, but it’s the best we could do.

[theblueandgoldriverdale-blog]

The Town That Dreaded Sundown - S02 E04

One of my biggest questions this episode is - will Archie ever stop making stupid decisions?

And I can appreciate the loyalty that Veronica has to Archie but is she going to stop encouraging these stupid decisions at some point?

Okay, I have a lot of thoughts on this episode and I’m going to try and go in order. 

Hiram Lodge is wayyy too excited about the confusion and chaos taking a hold of Riverdale. Creepily so. (See my theory on that here)

Yep...There Archie goes making stupid decisions again. That boy really needs to learn to think through his actions before jumping in head first. 

And Veronica...oh poor naive little Veronica. I find it ironic that she talks to her dad about how she loves the eager naivety of Archie and yet believes her dad and makes t-shirts when Archie’s more concerned with fist fighting the serpents in the rain because he PULLED A GUN ON THEM. I always thought Veronica was supposed to be this badass who took nothing from nobody. Little Miss Upper East Side is out of her depth and I’m hoping she catches up to the dark turn the town has taken. 

Kevin. Oh Kevin. You know, I wasn’t really a fan of Kevin until more so this episode. When I saw Kevin sit down and tell Betty that he’d sorted his life out, I was so proud of him. Then, unlike a certain half of a couple I’m mad at right now, he actually asked what was wrong and listened to her in her time of need. 

I think Betty makes a stupidly smart decision with the letter. I can understand her horror, her shame. I can see where she’s coming from, not wanting people to find out, thinking that it’s a test for her. It makes sense. I mean, objectively, you give the letter to the police and let the proper authorities deal with it. But without Betty’s decision, the cipher would not have been solved. With the cipher being from Betty’s favourite childhood book, he’s even more clearly a psychopath and you never know what he would have done if someone other than his chosen one had solved the cipher. 

Heck, with the ciffhanger this episode leaves us on, we don’t even know what he’s done when it was his chosen one who cracked the code. 

But Archie. Archie, Archie, Archie. Why all the stupid decisions, Archie? Who in their right mind believes it’s a good idea to go into the south side, on their own, to spray paint red circles around the place. 

Speaking of Archie’s jaunt to the southside, wouldn’t it be nice if there was someone who knew that the serpents were targeting Archie and could have helped him avoid the whole situation. 

Say, a best friend?

Oh wait, I forgot that Jughead decided that no one except stupid TONI TOPAZ matters anymore. 

I mean, the girl very, very clearly has a chip on her shoulder and the look she gave Jughead when he was trying to defend Archie shows that she’s not happy with him having those ties to the north side. 

Like girl, I appreciate that you’ve had it hard but STOP MESSING WITH JUGGY! He’s messed up already and we like him like that. 

But I digress...

Dilton, you little psycho, STOP ENCOURAGING HIM! I mean, at the same time I appreciate the fact that you made him get a Kevlar vest but STILL. 

Okay, now on to Toni freaking Topaz. 

THAT GIRL! I swear. 

I mean, I know Jug is adorable and has this whole ‘tortured artist soul’ thing going on. But he has a girlfriend. Take those feelings and destroy them with a flamethrower because Bughead is forever. 

When she made the comment about Betty and her adorable, iconic ponytail, I was ready to snap. She looks around all innocent and says ‘guys, it was just a joke’. Nuh uh! Nuh uh! I know that technique, I invented that technique, I perfected it!

That was a damn well serious dig at my little cinnamon roll so don’t you dare say ‘it was just a joke’! Because we know, Toni Topaz, we know!

And okay, I can appreciate that she feel uncomfortable around a northsider but Betty is one of the only people who has been consistent in not really taking a side. I bet if you counted up the prejudice, Betty would be one of the least. With parents like the Coopers, it’s strange that Betty isn’t super racist to the southsiders and sure, she’s made a couple comments and that makes sense. She’s been a bit wary but that makes sense, it’s what she’s grown up learning but she’s made an effort to get rid of those biases. 

But nooooo...In comes Toni freaking Topaz to judge Betty without getting to know her just because she has a thing for Jughead. 

Like Betty didn’t even say that Black Hood is from the southside, she just said that they’ve targeted northside people. HE HAS! He’s targeted northside people but they have just as much reason to target each other. 

Then off she goes after throwing around her accusations and a wrench in Betty’s mind because she’s starting to lose Jughead, even just slightly. It’s the small things. 

And sure, they fell asleep together but that doesn’t discredit the communication issues. 

When Archie got called out and Veronica stood up and defended the t-shirts, that just made me groan. Veronica! Come on girl! Where is that fire?!

Can I just say, I LOVED that conversation between Hermione and Veronica. It makes me wonder if there’s more behind the warnings that Hermione keeps giving Veronica. Personally, I feel like there’s a lot more subtext. 

Hermione followed Hiram. She was pulled down this dark path because of her blind faith, her blind loyalty in husband, the man she loved. She felt the pains of that and she doesn’t want Veronica to fall into the same traps. Not with Archie, and not with Hiram. 

I love that Jughead was getting annoyed with Betty’s silence on the subject. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Um, maybe because you dodged her calls for Toni??? Did you think about that???

Also, can we appreciate the hilarity of Alice suggesting they close the ‘drug ridden South Side High’ when we already know that Riverdale High is also being overrun by Jingle Jangle. 

I think they’re making to too obvious about Hiram and Hermione. I don’t think they’ll be the big bads of the season, I don’t think they’d make it that obvious. 

My favourite thing is that Archie and Veronica threw away the gun and yet Jughead tells us that their efforts to end the cycle of violence were in vain because it’s going to get worse. 

WHY TO THEY LEAVE US ON SUCH CLIFFHANGERS?! I NEED TO HEAR THIS PHONECALL! WHY RIVERDALE?! WHY????!!!!

Anyway, they’re my thoughts on this episode. I seriously enjoyed this one, it’s got me desperate for next week!

[sparklemotionz]

This is probably the most honest portrayal of mental illness I've ever shared openly: "I don't know how to describe being Bipolar. It's like you wake up every day, and you never know who you're going to be. You wake up every day and you might wake up as a different person. It's like the lottery, and you never know what you're gonna get. Some days you wake up with five million dollars, some days you wake up with $5, and some days you wake up in crippling debt. Except instead of money, that debt is your brain's dopamine.

When I'm manic, it feels like I'm on acid. Everything is unspeakably beautiful. I go to bookstores and stay for 12 hours then don't remember how I got there. I spend hours making friends with strangers. I spend $34 of printer funds mass-producing flyers that say "TIME ISN'T REAL." I stop in the middle of the street and just stare at the moon because it is the most beautiful juxtaposition of shape and colors I've ever seen.

I am late to class because I can't stop touching every single magical flower and they all feel like they sing to me. I stay up late into the night writing poetry, climbing on roofs, or reading academic journals at the library which are not even related to my classes, and every second feels like ecstasy. Colors are brighter. It feels like bliss.

I make plans, often, starting-off ironically, to change career paths or to make someone famous. I constantly feel like I'm right on the brink of deciphering the underlying meaning of the universe, my purpose for living, the most utmost thing. I talk a lot, to strangers. Questions about the meaning of life seem pressingly fascinating to me, and also hilarious. Existence seems hilarious. My persona, and my ability to act as "Alice" through it, seems hilarious. Everything about it. We are so small. I speak in very grandiose terms, and I forget boundaries. I have zero self-checking procedure or insecurity. I feel- no, I know- I could do anything I ever wanted, if I tried. "Invincible" is an understatement. Inanimate objects smile wryly at me. I don't mine.

I started to notice this was bad when I decided it would be really funny if I just went and stood in traffic.

That would 100% kill me.

I love being manic. I only need four hours of sleep a night, and I feel fantastic. Every second I am superhuman. Simply existing has a palpable quality to it which can only be described as analogous to drugs- the best drugs ever known to mankind. Life is absurd, hilarious, and beautiful. Life is your playground. Above all, it is yours.

It's not all bad, honestly. People say Bipolar is a terrible thing, but I really enjoy manic episodes. They make me do irresponsible things, but I have learned mechanisms of self-check, and I have learned to appoint a, uh... "babysitter" to help keep track of where I am since I will wander off indefinitely, but I am alive when I am manic, and it feels beautiful. I feel like the most Alice I have ever been. I feel like the most extreme, most genuine version of me.

The part that's bad is when it stops.

You can't move. You can't get out of bed. You feel nothing. You feel panic. You feel drop-black dread as you stretch suspended and exposed over the cosmic void, hungry to swallow you at every moment. There are dark shadows, literally, everywhere in your peripheral vision. Everyone you meet is out to get to you. Especially that man at the bus stop. Also your friends. Also that wall.

It's hell.

It's a hell you can't talk yourself out of, and all you can do is keep performing simple repetitive movements- I like to play a Wii game called Burger Island- to remind yourself that you are in your body, and all you need to do is keep existing, keep existing, even though it hurts, because you are not dying, and it will stop. If I am really losing my mind I just force myself into manual labor or Burger Island. If things are even more dire, I tend to try to create Kanye West death hoax conspiracies on the internet as an attempt at reviving my will to live. That's when you know things are bad, is when I message you and ask if you can retweet that Kanye is dead.

Kanye's fake death is the crucible for my consciousness and the vehicle through which I hope to redeem myself with the world and, once again, touch it, feel it, be in it, like a normal person with normal sensory perception could.

There's nothing rational about depression, any more than there is mania. Depression sometimes comes with voices. You feel really sure somehow that someone who is trying to trick you has put cameras in your room. They are all making fun of you. You shouldn't go to class, because everyone will know and they will laugh at you. You shouldn't even go outside or let anyone see you, because they will see you for who you really are- and that person they will see is a disgusting thing, a sub-human thing, that barely qualifies as a person- it is inherently unlovable, inadequate, incapable of Being correctly.

You walk to 711 and are seized with bone-chilling terror as a man walks past you. He was going to rape you, but thinks you are too gross and it's funny to him. The woman behind the counter is obviously laughing at you for always being there and for the way you are moving around. She notices everywhere you move. You can't hide from her. They are all watching you, every second, every movement, and every movement you make is embarrassing and wrong. You literally forget how to operate your own body. You don't remember how to properly orient yourself around a door, or near a counter, or in an aisle- you feel like you're floating. Your body doesn't feel like you. Your hands look very far away. You can't open a packet of Splenda. You don't know why, but you can't.

Everyone is watching you, and you don't remember how you would open them before. Your hands are shaking because you are so scared and you are trying to act like you know how to open a packet of Splenda. You fake confidence and try to turn off the thoughts-within-thoughts which is the temperamental wavelength of your brain. You feel like you're on drugs- very hard drugs, very bad drugs- and everything is wrong. This is not what it feels like to be a person. You don't remember how to think in patterns, perform tasks, or be a person. You can't escape the black horror and dread. You tell yourself, "I feel disassociated. I feel like I am watching myself outside my own body." You get confused trying to find a pen in your backpack, and you legitimately don't remember how to open it. You feel like you are dead, or about to die, or whatever it is that you are feeling- being human does not feel like this. It's like you're in a machine you don't know how to operate, and you are blind at the wheel.

Everything looks alien- there are winding paths where you didn't remember, desks have sharp and jagged corners, your friend's text is confusing and "Hey what's up" feels like an attack.

This is a horrific, dysphoric existence that is almost impossible to survive. When I am in this state, surviving is the key goal. Functioning, or constructing some appearance of functionality, is simply a plus.

I don't know how to explain to anyone what it feels like to be terrified of your own mind.

I am terrified of my own mind. I love my mind and all the wonderful attributes it gives me, which make me the exceptional person I am. But what scares me, fundamentally, about my mind is that I cannot control it. My perception of reality genuinely can't be trusted. I never know when it's going to change. I do not have a "normal." It is incredibly hard to traverse the universe with an erratic compass, let alone without a map.

This is what it's like to be me. This fluctuating state of being so fundamentally unstable a threatening reality forever formidably holding a knife of self-awareness to my throat- I live in the interim, in moments, in fragments, in bold flashes of color, in dark, garish sears of a vortex-swimming hell. I live my life in photographs. In jarring laughs of awkward cadence which are just the soul rippling to exude joy. I live it in bad binges where every moment you think, and almost wish, you might die, because everything feels so sharp and invasive that you don't think a singular identity consciousness can stand it and you almost do not want to.

I have discounted these hell storms of hyper-sentience from any credence of logical qualification for quite some time. Because, it so happens, I have to "play" normal. I have to wake up five days a week, and go do the same thing. I have to see the same people and do the same work. I need to be the same person every day. I am not. But by identifying and discrediting these alien feelings, I have learned to use the positive aspects of my mental illness to my favor, and I have learned to divorce my identity from those which threaten to destroy it."