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teddyniffler · 8 months ago

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Mercy in Defeat

Chapter 12

Part 2

Years had passed since Alfred, the greatest king Wessex ever knew had passed, Edward had also died, killed in a battle in York with Vikings a few years ago. His grandson Athelstan had returned to Wessex now as a young man. He now sat on the throne against all odds. The young king was already showing signs of being the exact king that would have made his grandfather proud. He was translating holy books from Latin into English, continuing Alfred’s work to bring less power to the church over common people. His nobles said he was ill fitted for the throne, they wanted his younger brother, Alfweard who they claimed to be King Edward’s true heir, but he had died. They had no choice but to crown Athelstan when no other option arisen.

Hvitserk kept tabs on the young king of Wessex, he reminded him so much of Alfred, they even looked so alike, where Edward had light hair, Athelstan had his grandfather’s darker wavy hair. Hvitserk had seen him many times, back before he was crowned as king, he believed the boy would be a great man one day. Alfred’s dream of a united England still lived on, all kingdoms were now under Athelstan’s rule, having cleared out the Viking invasions up in York that had killed King Edward.

All except for East Anglia.

It had been decided that upon Hvitserk’s death, his children would renounce their titles as princess and princes, they would be the Lords and Lady of East Anglia rather than King or Queen. The Kingdom of East Anglia would merge into England as a whole. When that happened, Alfred’s true vision would be realised, it was just sad not Hvitserk or Alfred would ever see it, but their decedents would. Not that Hvitserk was up for too much these days. He had a much quieter life in his senior age, today he sat on his favourite bench outside of his court, enjoying the feel of the sun on his face.

His youngest grandson was fast approaching the age Hvitserk had been himself when he went to Paris on his first ever raid. He had dark hair and ice blue eyes, he looked so much like Ivar, as much as Hvitserk could remember Ivar looking. Naturally he would be the child of his youngest son, the one who hated everything about Christianity. Hvitserk often laughed at the irony, although only he understood. His other grandchildren had a more traditional Saxon look, although it was hard to tell as most children born today were a mix of Nordic and Saxon parentage. Some of the young people in Hvitserk’s kingdom didn’t even know they were of Vikings origin, but Hvitserk could point out a few young people right here now in the green who were the children and grandchildren of Northmen, but who believed their parents and grandparents were Saxons. He giggled to himself, just little things like that amused him to no end.

“Something funny Lord King?” Asked a young woman who had joined him on his bench. She placed a basket of food she had been gathering from the fields in her lap.

“Oh nothing, just little things” Hvitserk said softly.

The woman smiled “Your grandson is getting taller by the day, is his father still refusing to officially welcome him to the Christian faith?”

“Naturally” Hvitserk answered her, he lowered his voice. “Although my dear wife used to tell him to put his personal feelings aside and do it for his son.” He lowered his voice “Did you know my wife confirmed to the church that he had been christened in a private family service, but he wasn’t. It’s been eight years; I’m not going to force my son’s hand if he doesn’t want his son in the church. It shouldn’t be forced upon someone, it just causes resentment later on, I had this half-brother, well he claimed to be my father’s son, he hated how this faith been forced upon him. He viewed himself as Viking”

“You raised a terrible Heathen and now he himself raises a Heathen” The woman said.

Hvitserk laughed again.

“That’s not fair!” He protested, still laughing “I did the best I could. Just some people are of extra strong will. It’s not on me, I did everything that was asked of me.”

Two people walking by noticed King Athelstan sitting there on the bench again. They smiled at him politely and nodded their heads in respect, then they glanced at each other in concern for their elderly king’s state of mind, as he was talking and laughing to himself again. This wasn’t the first time he had done it, but it seemed more often now. The king was slowly loosing his mind to old age.

Or so it looked to them.

“Tell me Idunn, is my brother still alive?” Hvitserk asked, looking at her. It had been a while since he had asked about Ubbe, he always dreaded the answer.

The goddess lowered her vegetable basket.

“You brother has reunited with your family” She said simply.

“Oh” Hvitserk said. He closed his eyes for a moment. He knew this would happen eventually, but in the years since he learned Ubbe was still alive from the goddess he had felt comfort knowing his older brother was still out there somewhere. He wasn’t alone if Ubbe was out there.

“I had wished maybe, just maybe, he would have come back” He said regretfully. “I would have loved to show him my family, and seen his”

“Are you sure you don’t want an apple?” She asked “You know they will make you young and reenergised”

“Idunn, I’ve lived so many lives, I’ve lived longer as a Saxon than I did a Viking, I have seen five kings from the same family, from Ecbert to Athelstan. I have lost people I loved and I don’t recall their faces easy anymore. My children have children and one of those is mere days from becoming a woman, she wishes to marry a boy from an Northumbrian Lord. If I were to eat one of your apples, I would see my grandchildren’s children. I know you don’t want me too, but I am human and we die. You need to let me go, you have watched me all my life, but it needs to end, just rejoice in that, just let me live out the last of my days as my friend”

“As it pleases you” She started cutting carrots and letting them fall into her basket, just as Hvitserk’s daughter came over. The princess of East Anglia was bare a remarkable resemblance to Hvitserk’s own mother, but he could never tell his daughter that.

“Father, I think we should get you back to your study” Her face said everything, she had been alerted by the couple to the fact her father had been talking to himself again.

“Why don’t you leave him be?” Came a male voice, his youngest son had arrived. They had been a slight gap in years between both their births, meaning Hvitserk’s daughter always looked down at his youngest son.

His blue eyes flickered over to the spot where Idunn was sitting. “If our father wanted to go inside, he would, he’s not senile you know”

The two glared at each other, they had never gotten along. They were too different, his daughter an example of a Christian lady, his son the exact opposite, Hvitserk had often caught his son in his archives, looking at Pagan Saxon documents and other things Alfred had once sent Hvitserk to keep safe. The older son was currently broking a marriage deal for his oldest daughter in Northumbria.

“I was just about finished out here anyway, my son I want to see you in my study. Daughter, could you inform me what is said in the Witan later today?” Hvitserk told them. The tense exchange between his children was broken, as his son nodded and walked into the court.

“He can see you, can’t he?” Hvitserk asked Idunn. “How many times have you actually spoke to him?”

“Not many, I just normally watch him. He did ask me who I was before but I didn’t tell him. He thinks I’m a ghost”

Hvitserk sat quietly.

“When I’m gone, will you watch over him if he chooses to leave here?”

“I shall”

The sun was at the midday spot now, it would only get hotter from here. He had stopped being angry with Idunn many years ago, she had turned up to warn him of a Viking raid near his home, then she had returned with news that confirmed Ubbe was still alive. She would inform him of any threat to him or his family, allowing him to always stay ahead of any plot that should rise up, including an unexpected inspection of his archives by a suspicious and furious King Edward who had suspected Hvitserk had inherited his father’s own secretive personal archives. It had never been an issue before, not really, until Hvitserk had fallen foul of Edward for giving his son Athelstan shelter when the King was demanding his return to Mercia. Hvitserk was able to hide everything incriminating well before Edward turned up ‘unannounced and unexpectedly’ for an inspection, as king of the larger kingdom – as he had reminded Hvitserk – King Athelstan should agree. All Edward found was a few holy relics, religious texts and an over friendly dog greeting him. After that Hvitserk had viewed Idunn as his friend. He allowed her back into his life as his personal guardian. Time after time, she would visit him over the years, cooking food for him. Feeding him her apples in the dead of night on the eve of battles when his men were all sleeping.

After his wife has passed, she had brought flowers in her basket. He had felt guilty, sitting in church praying to his God while he knew a goddess from his past life waited outside for him. During confession, he knew he could never tell the priest who he had been talking too, so he explained himself to his God once alone. He was truly living up to the name Athelstan by being torn between Idunn and Christ, he didn’t know who his savour was anymore. As nobody could see her as she chose not to show herself, as he got older, people started to believe he was talking to himself.

She appeared more often to him now, telling him what he had already knew. The end was very near, but she could extend his life and return his youth to him if only he ate her apples once more, but he couldn’t. He had to die one day and didn’t want to go to hell, Alfred had already saved him once, he didn’t want to undo everything, as he had explained to God, he had only ate the apples to fight against the Pagans.

It had been a long time since he had eaten any apples, but the effects of them were still working on him now, he still had a sharp mind when younger men than he had already passed. He wanted to see Alfred again, he wanted to enter the twilight of his days without another Viking raids or plots, the younger generation could take over for him, he had done enough. He was now older than his father had ever been, older than Ubbe. Older than Bjorn.

He opened the door to his study, his son was waiting for him. His youngest son was in his mid-twenties. The woman he had loved had died in child birth, leaving him to raise their son alone. The final straw against Christianity for him had come when he had asked God to save his love, and then she proceeded to bleed out in front of him. Since that day, he had vowed never to follow the faith and he had taken his son and refused to let any priest near him.

In those years since being born, he had fought against everything the Christians stood for. He took too much interest in Saxon Pagans of the past, he knew so much about Woden he didn’t need to read any scrolls no more, he knew every single Roman god. Hvitserk looked at him, if Hvitserk had darker hair and his father’s blue eyes, with none of his mother’s features, then he would have looked like this. If he had looked like this, then maybe his own family would have taken him seriously.

Looking at his youngest son, he only seen a Pagan, not a Christian.

“All your life you haven’t fit well into this place, you hated going to church as a boy, refused as soon as you turned an adult, you had a child and you’re currently raising him similar to how a heathen would, I’m not saying this because I’m angry at you, I want to tell you something I can’t tell your brother and sister.”

His son looked at him, with a slight head title that caused Hvitserk’s heart to ache, he reminded him so much of himself, it was like looking at a mirror. The same image, only flipped. A Christian born young man who was seriously unhappy and unfulfilled in his life, always fighting with his siblings for being so different, looking for something he knew wasn’t quite right, he was lost.

“My name at my birth was not Athelstan, the name Athelstan was giving to me at a later date, a much later date. You once asked what were the marks upon my back and chest when we played in the river when you were younger and I told you they were old sword wounds, but I knew you were asking about the other marks, the faded ink in my skin. Those are tattoos, I got them when I was a young man. They did have a meaning once, but that message has been lost. The sword wounds I told you I got from fighting, from a battle. You believed I sustained them fighting the Pagans who came to these shores, the truth is I did get them in a battle, but the Pagans were not whom I was fighting with.”

He paused; he had never thought he would ever reveal who he really was, He had hoped he could take his greatest secret to the grave with him, but he owed his son this, if he could free his son from this life it would be worth it, this life was the one Hvitserk couldn’t have freed even himself from. He loved the family and life he had here, he had found peace and comfort from what Alfred had given him, he even liked God for that peace and love, but it wasn’t the life he was born into. His blood was the blood of a Norse God, he had Odin’s blood within his veins. He would have faced death if he had refused to join this faith, but his son could be freed. Alfred had told him all those years ago to set his son free if he didn’t find peace himself.

“I was fighting against the Christians”

His son’s mouth dropped in shock.

“But father, why? Was there a civil war or -”

Hvitserk smiled.

“No” He said before he could continue “The Christians were fighting the Pagans and I was with those Pagans, not the Christians.”

His son sat down on the sofa. He rubbed his head. Total shock on his face. Hvitserk could see it was the type of shock that confirmed something you already knew deep in your heart.

“I’m the son of the once king and queen of a place in Norway called Kattegat. I had an older sister I never met for she died in a plague before I was born. I had two older brothers and two younger. They are all dead now, I’m the last one that is left. My family all died because of our culture, either fighting each other or killed in battle. I came to England in my early twenties, just a few years younger than you are now, as part of a raiding party, my younger brother died in the battle and I was severely wounded. King Alfred spared my life. That is where the marks came from, they are from Alfred’s men, soldiers of Wessex trying to kill me. I wasn’t born into the Christian faith; I wasn’t born in this country. My family were Pagan, we were Vikings. My real name, the one my mother give me, was Hvitserk”

Now his son looked up, his hand over his mouth.

“Hvitserk, as in Hvitserk Ragnarsson?” He asked surprised, realisation slowly drawing on his face as he looked at his father. “He was mentioned in those accounts King Alfred written, then that means…?”

“My brothers were Bjorn Ironside, Ubbe, Sigurd, and my youngest brother was-“

“- Ivar the Boneless” His son finished, awe on his face mixed with shock and horror. “Are the stories true about him father?”

Hvitserk nodded. “As well as the ones unknown about him, the stories are all about his cruelty, but none about his kindness. Those ones never got out. I suppose universal hatred is easier if everybody thinks he was a monster. The brother I knew wasn’t a monster, he saved my life so many times, he died trying to save me. He did do bad things, but he changed. He loved a young Christian boy, he was a father who loved his child enough to leave it and its mother be. None of that is ever told”

His son leaned in closer.

“Ragnar Lothbrok? The famous Viking from all those stories?”

Hvitserk nodded. “He was my father”

Hvitserk sat down next to his son

“I’m telling you this now because I want you to have a choice. I never really had a choice you see. You can leave here if you want and go find out who you truly are. If you go to Kattegat in Norway and tell them you are the grandson of Ragnar Lothbrok, they will welcome you, my father’s name still holds meaning among them. If not, go to Gotland, your grandmother was a princess there. Idunn will watch over you, she’s the woman you’ve been seeing, she’s not a ghost, she’s a goddess, the goddess of youth. She has watched over me all my life and she said she will guide you and watch over you.”

His son twitched his fingers.

“There’s a man often in my dreams, he started showing up when I was really young, he’s surrounded by birds and he keeps saying my name, he has an eye patch, he’s Woden isn’t he?”

“Odin” Hvitserk corrected “Yes, you’re a descendent of Odin, so am I, so was my father”

Hvitserk touched his son’s hand.

“I won’t be here much longer, my time on this earth grows shorter. I have a matter of maybe days, maybe less. I’ve known for a while, I ate Idunn’s apples, it has been keeping me younger than what I should be for all these years, I should have died maybe ten years ago, but my life was extended maybe, I refused another apple from Idunn because it know it’s not right. If you want to go, it needs to be soon, in a matter of days because otherwise King Athelstan will come, he will make you a Lord of East Anglia and you won’t ever get away, if you want to be free, you need to go now and take your boy. If you go and it doesn’t work out for you, return here and tell them you’ve been on a holy pilgrim to Rome to find yourself in God, they will believe you, but you must go soon or you will be trapped here and in this life”

His son looked at him, there were tears in his eyes.

“I understand. I’m going to go father, thank you, I can’t stand another day living this life, it’s suffocating for me, it always has been. Thank you for telling me”

His son put his arms arounds Hvitserk and they embraced.

To everybody’s surprise the younger son announced he was going to travel to the holy lands with his boy at dinner that night, they would both find themselves on the journey as they had been lost for so long. Hvitserk’s daughter was pleasantly surprised, she guessed all her years of praying for her brother’s soul had finally worked. After dinner, Hvitserk took one last look at his youngest son as they both disappeared into the night on horseback, they were traveling down to Suffolk where a boat was waiting, it was a trading boat that was going to Denmark, however this one was also making a detour to Norway. The Danish crew had been paid for their silence. Hvitserk had hugged his son and grandson one last time, and as he did he noticed a beautiful woman waiting for them. She smiled one last time at Hvitserk, this would be their final time seeing each other for evermore. He nodded goodbye to the goddess.

Hvitserk turned away from them, he was beyond sad to see his son leaving forever, but most of him was filled with joy that overpowered him.

One of them could return home, to their people.

He pushed open the door to his chambers, his dog was already laying at the foot of his bed. She lifted her head as he came in, she rolled over with a loud sigh. He stroked her head before getting into bed. He lay there in the sheets and smiled, his son was free to live the life he wanted, he knew Idunn would look after them. He rolled over and closed his eyes. It had been a very long day.

The next morning, he woke to the sounds of the bells which confused him for it was not Sunday. They didn’t ring the bell often, normally for Viking invasions but nobody had come to alert him to such an attack. He had half a mind to go out there and tell whoever was ringing that bell to stop, but he wanted to stay in bed a little longer and admire the glorious sunlight that was filling his room, it was promising a beautiful day.

Then it came to him, he had somewhere to be.

He couldn’t believe he had forgotten, he had to go meet somebody on the hill outside of town. He couldn’t stay in bed, they would be waiting for him. As he sat up, he noticed his dog was no longer there, she was free to come and go as she pleased, but she was a loyal dog and never left him, he wondered for a few moments where she could have gotten too.

He didn’t dress, his night clothing was comfortable enough and nobody would really mind if the king had stepped out before dressing to find out what all this noise was so early. He left his room, it was time to go met somebody.

Out of his personal rooms, through corridors bright and warm with sunlight, he looked for his dog, he walked into the main throne room, which also doubled as a sitting place for his family and friends to gather, a few people were here but they didn’t pay the king any mind, he looked at the furs near his throne, she wasn’t there either.

He found her when he stepped out of the court, she was sitting outside the church, her golden fur shinning in the sun.

‘Odd place for her to be’ Hvitserk thought.

Even odder was the fact King Athelstan was standing in the green, talking to Hvitserk’s daughter and to his oldest son who had returned from Northumbria, his daughter had clearly been crying. Hvitserk paused as he watched them, he was making his way towards them to ask them what was going on, when it came to him again.

He had somewhere to be.

He was meeting somebody on the hill.

He glanced once more at his dog, her ears lifted and she sniffed the air, looking in his direction, but not moving.

They were waiting for him. He turned away from his children and made his way to the hill, it seemed to grow closer to him, far too fast than what it should have done. His feet barely noticed the gentle climb as he rose, there was a tree up there, he had somebody to meet at that tree.

He reached the tree and sat down in the shade, leaning back on the trunk, he looked out over the sea.

Home.

Home was far out there, where his father once lived in the Halls of Kattegat. He had been happy there as a young boy, playing with his brothers and being tucked into bed by his mother. He looked out at the water, his father had sailed this sea to find England, his horns blowing as his boat cut through the waves. If Hvitserk listened, he could hear his father’s horns blowing again, or so he thought. The wind blew his hair, the smell of the sea in his nose.

The horns were calling out across the water.

Calling out for him.

Calling him home.

“You look like shit” Came a voice to his left.

Hvitserk closed his eyes, half laughing.

“I feel like it” He replied.

He turned his head. There he was, the person Hvitserk had come to meet.

“Hello Ivar” He said. He broke into a smile. He had wanted for so long to see Ivar again, he looked at his brother’s face, taking it all in. He had forgotten the little details, the way his eyebrows slopped up, the bright blue among the dark hair.

Ivar looked back at him, a smile already on his face, then they both had tears in their eyes. They reached out to the other at the same time and held the other tightly, they didn’t let go.

“You got so old brother. What ever happened to not dying as old men in our beds, eh?”

Hvitserk rested his head against Ivar’s shoulder, his brother was warm, his arms around him held firm, as if Ivar had been waiting years, decade to hold him once more. Hvitserk held on just as tight.

“I didn’t leave you” Ivar said, his voice was shaking, in a way that Hvitserk had only ever heard once, when they had said goodbye all those years ago. “Mother, father, they all told me to come away, to leave you be. They said watching you will only break my heart, I’ve stayed with you this whole time. When you were crying for me, when you tried talking to me, I was right there with you, you were never alone Hvitserk, I could never leave you, I just couldn’t reach you. Father came to see you a few times, so did our brothers, they told me to come back with them, I refused each time. I didn’t want to leave you; we were always meant to be together”

Finally, reluctantly, they let go of each other. Ivar touched Hvitserk’s face

“You’re so old” He said, he reached into his pocket and took out something, he dangled it in front of Hvitserk. Hvitserk looked at it.

It was his pendent.

In a moment Hvitserk blinked. He reached out a hand for the pendent and noticed smooth skin, his arms had been bruising easier as he got older, but now they were clear, his skin looked soft and hydrated and as he looked down, he felt the feel of braids once more in his hair, the slightly blurry vision he had grown used to vanished as he felt his energy levels rise, he felt he could leap around once more. There was a tingle on his face and elsewhere across his body as the scars also vanished, leaving clear skin in their place, as if they had never been there. His clothing also changed, he was wearing very familiar clothing, although he hadn’t seen them in a very long time. His favourite clothes from his youth.

“That’s better” Ivar beamed “You look like yourself again. I’ve missed you brother”

Ivar’s face was shining with tears.

“I missed you too” Hvitserk echoed, his tears running down his neck.

Ivar pulled the pendent over Hvitserk’s head, finally Hvitserk recognised himself again, he felt whole.

“I kept it safe for you”

“Thank you Ivar”

In the distance, the bells still rang from Norwich, but it felt like it was happening in a different life, a different place.

“Ivar, is this Valhalla or is it Heaven?” Hvitserk asked, he was unsure. If it was Heaven then why was Ivar here, if it was Valhalla, how come nobody was fighting, there were also no gods here.

Ivar shrugged “It’s neither. It’s not Valhalla nor is it the Christian heaven either. I was asked to collect you, to bring you home. Father was going to come for you, but he felt I was the right person to bring you back. He was concerned you would refuse if it were him. They are waiting for us, just over there, beyond the horizon. I mean everybody. Everyone is there. Father and mother, our brothers. Even the Christians are there, Igor and Dir are there if you want to see them, and -” Here Ivar give Hvitserk a look “- Alfred is there too” He pulled a face, then laughed “Athelstan is there, never away from our father, he and Floki are now friends. Mother and Lagatha put aside their grudges; they often weave together now. They are all waiting to welcome you home”

“Even our brothers accepted me back the second I came. I spoke to Sigurd and he forgive me for killing him, even Bjorn! They want to see you too, Ubbe and Bjorn. Father is holding a gathering to celebrate you coming home at last, but I wish to ask you something” Ivar spoke. He looked at Hvitserk, he knew this was a big thing he was asking.

“Before we met again, back when I was staying with the Rus, Prince Oleg asked what wishes everybody wanted for Christmas, they asked me even though I was Pagan. I asked to walk again”

Then he did something Hvitserk never expected, he stood up.

Hvitserk looked at his legs, noticing now for the first time something that should have been obvious all along.

There were no leg braces on Ivar, nor were his eyes blue anymore.

“Ivar, you’re standing” Hvitserk gasped in shock.

“Nothing gets passed you” Ivar rolled his eyes, he held his hand down to pick Hvitserk up from the ground. “So, mother, father, our brothers, everybody else, they are all waiting for you, even Thora is there, she has waited for you even longer than I, she still loves you even after all this time, but I want to ask you something first”

He hesitated, he wanted to ask, it was always his dream to walk, to run with his brothers. He wanted to swim in rivers, he wanted to run across sand, he wanted to climb a tree, to jump and leap just like his older brothers, little simple wants that had been denied to him while he had been alive.

“How about we don’t go straight there, what if you and I were to disappoint our family one last time? We can go out there and see the world, go anywhere we want, just me and you. The entire world is out there for us to see, if you want to? Mother and father won’t be impressed, but they’ve waited a long time to see you again, what’s making them wait a little longer? But if you want to go see them all, I understand.”

Hvitserk thought for a moment, he wanted to see everybody again, knowing he could see them again so soon, speak to them, hold them again was making him dizzy with glee. He wanted to hug his mother, hug his father. Then he looked at Ivar, his little brother. His little brother who had always loved him, no matter how much they had fought. Ivar who had always protected him, nursed him when he was sick.

His little brother who had died for him, to save him.

Now Ivar was asking Hvitserk for this one little request and the look on his face said he didn’t believe Hvitserk would grant it.

The answer was simple for Hvitserk.

“Where are we going?” He grinned at Ivar.

Ivar grinned back at Hvitserk.

“Family disappointments” Ivar laughed.

Hvitserk nodded.

“Sorry excuses for sons of Ragnar” He laughed back. Then they both laughed, imagining everybody’s faces when they didn’t show up.

“Mother will be sitting there looking furious” Ivar remarked, pulling a crude face that mimicked their mother.

Arm in arm across their backs, for the first time they walked together without Ivar using any aids, the sun bared down on them, blue skies above them, an endless world all around them just waiting to be explored. Hvitserk and Ivar set off as they had so often in life, they set off as brothers across the land.

For their family waiting, it didn’t take too long for them to realise Ivar and Hvitserk weren’t coming.

Ragnar Lothbrok stood up at the table in the Halls of Kattegat which somehow also looked like the Villa of Wessex at the same time, in the warm glow of the fire he looked around all his family and friends, Pagan and Christian alike, gathered around.

“Well, we were gathered here to welcome my son back among us where he belongs, but it appears both my sons had other ideas.” He looked at Aslaug who sat there with a stern expression on her face and everybody gathered there, waiting for the no-shows. He pulled a face and mouthed ‘oops’ to loads of laughing and he raising his cup.

“To Hvitserk in his absence, Skol!”

“Skol” The people around the table echoed.

Bjorn shock his head and looked at Ubbe.

“I worked so hard deciding what I would say to him” Bjorn said to his younger brother.

“Same” Ubbe said “I guess now we’ve got more time”

Athelstan touched Ragnar’s back as he sat down, as Alfred from his other side reached over for some meat, he loved eating a range of foods now his stomach could handle it. Ragnar beamed at the both of them, as Floki ducked his head between Alfred and Ragnar.

“Hello Priest”

“Floki, how are you?”

They were all good natured with each other now, they all drank and ate together, wondering where Ivar and Hvitserk were now.

Time had passed, a long time that also felt short. the brothers were together in the cabin up in the hills. Bjorn, Ubbe and Sigurd had arrived first, then they were joined by their sister, Gyda, who had caught them fish to go with their meat.

It was a normal day, they had been hunting with their father, they had swum in the lake. They were sitting at the table and laughing together. Gyda was braiding Sigurd’s hair by the fire as Bjorn told them of how he had finally lured Rollo from his castle and convinced him to join Bjorn for a walk, how he had ‘accidently’ trapped dear Uncle Rollo in the makeshift log ‘Christian jail’ they had all made earlier in the woods, before their father set him free.

For a while they couldn’t stop laughing, then the door creaked slowly open. They all glanced around, still laughing, expecting their father to come in, but instead it was Ivar.

The room went silent, Ubbe leaned forward in his seat and raised his arm up to his chin, they had not seen Ivar in some time. Bjorn stood up as Gyda looked between her brothers, she had only met this brother once before, he had never wanted to stay, always wanted to watch over their living brother.

“Hello Ivar” Bjorn said carefully, trying to see if anybody else was with him. Ivar looked behind him as he stepped through the doorway.

“It’s ok, come” Ivar said gently to somebody standing outside. “Come”

Bjorn a deep breath slowly. He knew exactly who was with Ivar, he suddenly thought of everything he had wished to say to his younger brother when they met again. He had talked to his mother when he had arrived here and got the fully story of what happened that night. He understood now how her death wasn’t Hvitserk’s fault, he was as much a victim as his mother had been. He had been grieving, hurting, everything had gone wrong for him and he had taken it all out on his baby brother, the one he used to hold in his arms. He hadn’t even went to speak to Hvitserk, get his side of the story, he had just thought him guilty and dragged him from his sickbed, determined to beat the truth out of him. Bjorn had sat by Hvitserk’s side up on the hill when his little brother spoke to his tomb. He sounded so miserable, he had looked much better in appearance, but Bjorn could see the damage he had inflicted upon his wellbeing. His little brother had ran off with the Christians in order to heal his broken spirit and that was on Bjorn.

If he could take it all back, he would never have put Hvitserk through that execution. What sort of monster does that to his own brother? If he knew what he did now, he would have gone outside into the woods to find his brother and bring him home.

All this he wanted to say, but Bjorn found his voice failed him as Ivar beckoned again to the person outside to come in. All he could do was stare as Hvitserk slowly walked through the door.

His green eyes took in Bjorn with nervousness, uncertainty, he looked afraid of him. Bjorn knew Hvitserk would be apprehensive at seeing him again, he had been anxious himself about this moment, but to see fear in his baby brother’s eyes made him feel even more ashamed of himself. He had never wanted his brothers too look at him like that. It was clear Hvitserk still expected Bjorn to be beyond furious, same as with Ubbe. Hvitserk’s eyes flickered over to Ubbe, wondering if he would speak to him or if he would pretend Hvitserk wasn’t there. He didn’t want to be cast out from his brothers all over again. As he was looking, Ubbe lowered his arm and also stood up from his chair. Nobody said anything as they were taken back by the sudden and unexpected arrival of their runaway brothers. For Hvitserk, all he heard was laughter that stopped the moment he and Ivar arrived and now his brothers were just looking at him. He didn’t even notice the giant smile on Sigurd’s face, or the unknown girl, he was just focusing on Bjorn’s hand, sure he was going to be hit. Ivar had talked him into coming here, he didn’t want too, it was far too soon, they would still be angry. They should have waited like he wanted too.

To Ubbe, Hvitserk looked just like he had that day, so long ago, when he had returned from the trip to the Mediterranean. His checks were full, his hair clean and braided, his clothing tidy and not full of vomit and mud, he looked healthy, as if he had never touched drugs or alcohol in his life. He looked like the Hvitserk he knew and loved. Leaving Hvitserk to his fate had been one of the hardest things Ubbe had to do, he had loved him so much, but he knew he couldn’t help Hvitserk, seeing him so unwell was killing him just as much as the mushrooms and ale were killing Hvitserk. Ubbe knew the brother he had once cherished was no more, a violent drunk had taken his place, however looking at the young man who was standing in the doorway, looking like he wanted to flee from them all, all Ubbe could see was his treasured little brother.

The silence in the cabin was deafening.

“Hello” Hvitserk said hardly louder than a whisper, just to break the silence.

Bjorn wet his lips, he needed to make things right. As the oldest brother, it was on him to make sure his siblings were okay, but his mind was still blank.

He moved slowly to Hvitserk, who tried to stand his ground. He didn’t want Bjorn to come any closer, sure he was going to grab him by the hair, pull him close and break his heart one more time by telling him he wasn’t forgiven. Bjorn’s hand reached for him, Hvitserk tensed, waiting for the blow and then-

The tightest hug of his life.

Bjorn’s arms were fully around him, over his back, over his shoulders and neck. Hvitserk’s arms were pinned into place as Bjorn scooped him up as if he were a boy again.

“Hvitserk!” Ubbe roared in happiness, elated to see his brother again, as Bjorn’s fingers held Hvitserk’s head next to his own.

“I made a mistake and I’m so sorry. I love you and always have, you’re my little brother, we’re family. I shouldn’t have done what I did and I’m so sorry” Bjorn spoke quietly while holding him close.

Hvitserk nodded, he was numb which had nothing to do with the crushing hug. These were the words he needed to hear without knowing it. He tried to wiggle his arms free from Bjorn’s grip. Bjorn let go slightly hurt, thinking Hvitserk had rejected his embrace, but Hvitserk leaped up, throwing his own arms around his brother, his feet almost leaving the floor as they both cried out in joy. Part of him, the part that had been hurting ever since Bjorn and Ubbe casted him out, healed. He had never known the feeling of relief this strong; His eyes were watering and it had nothing to do with sadness or pain, he was happy, the happiest he had ever been in so long.

He had his brother’s back. They didn’t hate him.

He buried his face into his brother’s neck and closed his eyes tightly to dry them up, he didn’t want them to see him crying as Bjorn still hugged him, this was how it had always been, he felt like a boy again, being held by his big brother, his protector and his friend all in one.

He felt Ubbe’s hands clapping on his shoulders. They would be time to hug Ubbe too, but for now he let himself be freed from Bjorn’s embrace as he smiled over at Sigurd.

“Welcome back” Sigurd smiled to him, then he noticed there was a small girl in the room with them. He didn’t know who she was, maybe a daughter of Ubbe?

Gyda smiled at Hvitserk. It was a very happy smile, the type you give somebody who you were happy to see. He didn’t know this girl, so he was a little confused, something the rest of his brothers all noticed

He smiled back to be polite.

Ivar opened his mouth to explain to Hvitserk just who Gyda was.

“No Ivar! Don’t tell him, let’s see how long it takes until he realises who she is” Sigurd said with a large grin.

“You’re mean Sigurd” Gyda said, she came closer to him and he noticed something, they had the same green eyes. The same green eyes Hvitserk never knew how he got, as both of his parents had blue.

“Hello sweet Hvitserk, I have waited so long to finally met you. You were such a cute baby” She told him. Hvitserk confusion only deepened, not a child of Ubbe then. Who was this girl? He had never seen her before in his life so how did she know him? Then it clicked into place. The eyes. The way she looked at him, as if he were somebody special to her and not a stranger. He knew now who this was, even thought he had never seen her before in his life, she had died even before Ubbe was born.

She gently reached up on her tiptoes and hugged him.

“Wait, you’re Gyda aren’t you?” He asked her “Our sister?”

Her smile confirmed it as his Sigurd moaned, disappointed Hvitserk had realised so soon. She only looked twelve at the most, but he knew she would have been a similar age to Bjorn had she lived.

“I always wanted a sister” He told her. His brothers all made noises of protest.

“You don’t want a sister” Ubbe cautioned with a small smile.

They all sat around the fire and brought furs to sit on as they exchanged stories of their lives. They asked Hvitserk about his life as a Christian or Ubbe to explain how the new word worked.

“-A woman turned into salt! Good if you have fish to keep fresh I guess –“

“ – It is called a Moose and it stands taller than a man. And just as long! – “

“-No, Floki got that wrong, they don’t actually eat people, it’s just bread –“

“ – This waterfall was so big, Jormungandr could have fitted his whole body within it!” -

“-Ubbe, don’t mention Jormungandr to Asa, she still is afraid of him-”

Hvitserk smiled as his brothers all talked to him, to each other, it had been so long since he had been around these people, the ones he loved.

“I must say Hvitserk, our mother is not impressed that you and Ivar did not show up as expected, tread carefully” Ubbe advised.

“We already seen her” Ivar winched.

“She told us both off, then hugged us” Hvitserk giggled nervously. “Although father seems to find it very amusing. He asked what we had both seen and discovered out there, what lands we visited”

The night stretched on, Hvitserk watched the flames. He would go see Alfred tomorrow, they had reunited briefly when he had arrived, Hvitserk smiled remembering the way Alfred had suddenly ran to him, shouting his name, his real name, to embrace him, however he had been with his brother, and King Aella. It was awkward for both of them as the last time Hvitserk had seen Aella, they had tortured him to death. Alfred had asked him to come to the Villa, so he could introduce Hvitserk to his family, they had heard a lot about this son of Ragnar from Alfred.

Hvitserk caught Ivar’s eye as his youngest brother lay down in his ‘bedroom’ at the corner of the cabin, he seemed exhausted and Hvitserk suddenly wondered if Ivar had ever slept while he watched over him for all those years. They exchanged a smile before Ivar closed his eyes, only now could Ivar finally settle and rest with his family, now his brother was there with him. Bjorn and Gyda were pranking Sigurd, who had already fallen asleep, it seemed like a normal thing and Hvitserk suddenly wondered if having a sister really was a good thing.

He was feeling tired himself, he had not slept in a while and the fire felt warm. Ubbe came and sat down next to him on the furs. Ubbe hesitated for a moment as he tried to pick up on Hvitserk’s body language. He had a blanket under his arm, he offered half of it to Hvitserk, before putting his arm around his brother and Hvitserk leaned into him. When they were kids, they would sit like this before sleeping, it was their way to wind down for sleep once their father had left and their mother had long stopped telling them stories. Ubbe would stroke his hair as Hvitserk slowly dosed off to sleep, then Ubbe himself would sleep. They had once been so close, Ubbe had been everything to Hvitserk, the brother he loved most, the one he always went to for support. Things had changed a lot in the years, Hvitserk had moved closer to Ivar. Ubbe to Bjorn. They had damaged their relationship to the point they both only brought pain to the other, but now this blanket, his warm hold once more on Hvitserk, it all told Hvitserk he was loved, he was accepted once more by Ubbe.

Hvitserk lifted up. He had almost fallen asleep before saying goodnight to Ubbe. He leaned his head forward automatically without thinking and Ubbe did the same a second later. They held their foreheads together. Hvitserk had his eyes closed.

There was no need for words. That embrace said everything they needed too.

‘I’ve missed you’.

#MIDAHFABL

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