#alex manes x freedom

[captainsassmanes]

48. “Why are you crying?” malex ❤️

Alex was a terrible fucking actor. Leaning against his Jeep with his head tilted toward the stars and a wetness on his cheeks, he cursed himself for ever coming.

No one seemed to really understand what he was going through. Or maybe it was just easier for everyone to ignore it. Since Michael was dating Maria and Alex had his few, truthfully pleasant, weeks with Forrest, the group has decided it was time to bond, spend more time together.

Alex had managed to come up with a good set of excuses to get out of most gatherings; movie nights, drinks, the Crashdown, even a weekend trip that Alex would have rather removed his own fingernails then suffer through.

But he ran out of excuses and his friends ran out of patience.

So he talked himself into going to the Pony, repeating his mantra “it won’t be that bad,” over and over again on the way.

As soon as he walked through the door, he realized his mistake.

From across the room, his friends looked like a group, like they belonged together. All smiles and arms thrown carelessly around one another. He was greeted with smiles and hugs and laughs but he knew they were forced to create a place for him, completely inorganic, so unlike the way it was for everyone else.

He gave Michael and Maria a tight smile, desperate to ignore Michael’s arm holding her close and the bile that rose in his throat. They both looked good, beautiful even. They fit well.

Everyone did.

It was once everyone started on round 3, loud laughter with open displays of affection, that Alex felt himself getting lost and fuzzy and decided to get some air.

It was a bit cool, each exhale releasing a small cloud in front of his face, but it felt good. He’d been too warm inside, face constantly flushed and hands clammy from clenched fists all evening.

Alex figured he’d been outside regrouping for fifteen minutes, maybe longer, no one seeming to notice. He bit his lip as another tear fell. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so alone and unwanted.

“Why are you crying?”

Alex lifted his hands to his face, wiping away the tears, and sniffed. He shook his head and shrugged, feeling Michael move beside him.

“I’m fine.”

A small, disbelieving sound left Michael’s mouth as he copied Alex, looking to the stars.

“Do you think,” Alex paused to regain control of his voice, admitting defeat to his tears. “Do you think there’s a universe out there where you love me?”

Michael stood straight and looked at Alex who felt brave enough to meet his eye. Michael looked surprised, mouth moving but no sound escaping.

Alex offered him a small smile, not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was.

“It’s okay. I’m glad you’ve found your home, Michael. You deserve it. You deserve it all.”

With a sniff, he pushed himself off the bumper and headed to the driver’s side.

“Alex. You know I...”

“Don’t. I’m not sure what you were gonna say but, please, don’t.”

He rested his forehead against the cool glass of the window, closing his eyes and willing himself to do the right thing.

“You have never looked happier than you did in there. You’ve got your friends and your siblings and the best girlfriend you could ever hope for. Just, enjoy it.”

Alex climbed in and turned the key, turning his focus to his luggage and wondering if Kyle had a spare key to the cabin or not.

A small tap on the window grabbed his attention, Michael standing there, eyes brimming with tears.

With a sigh, Alex rolled his window down, face turned straight ahead, foot primed on the accelerator.

“Don’t go away.”

His grip on the steering wheel grew tighter.

“Alex?”

He shook his head and looked at Michael, memorizing every feature, every expression he could.

“I’m so glad you’re happy, but I can’t watch Maria have the life I wish I had. I just can’t.”

He pressed on the gas and moved forward, determined to not look back.

[adiwriting]

3, 5, 14, 23, 24, 38!

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

This is a great question. I will say that one of the very first fics I ever ready WAY back in the day... And I mean I was 12 so... take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt- was a NSYNC fan fic that focused a lot more on trauma and personal growth than it did on romance and that story has always stuck with me to this day. So I think that when I’m approaching a fic, I try and make sure that my characters all have their own personal journeys they are on and that the romance is a secondary piece. That being said, I certainly write fluff still that centers romance. 

As for fics that have inspired me currently? I would go back to The Infinite Love series by @realityisoverrated-fic. Though I’m not writing in the Arrow fandom anymore, the way that those fics were all built in one shared universe that tells such in depth stories has stuck with me. It’s the main reason why I’ve fallen in love with the idea of writing a series of one-shots rather than primarily multi-chapter fics. There’s a freedom as a writer to writing the stories that demand being told in the moment, but having a verse that you can go back to and fill in missing moments as the inspiration strikes. 

I’ve read a lot of good RNM fic recently that has helped me broaden my view of who the characters are and the possibilities for writing, but I don’t have a running list right now of fics. 

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

I don’t like fics that bash characters, especially if one of those characters is the main relationship lead. I believe that characters should be allowed to make mistakes and deal with the consequences of their actions, absolutely. I like exploring in fics the consequences for bad decisions that canon rarely allows characters to experience. But I believe that the human condition means that we are all at fault in some way for the state of our relationships... and unless somebody is truly an abusive asshole *cough*Jesse*cough, then they have genuine reasons for making the bad decisions they make that should be acknowledged. If I open up a fic and it’s clear the author is going to spend the entire word count shitting on one of the characters, I X out real fast. I can see enough of that on my dash in various episode reactions and metas. 

14. Do you have a personal word minimum that you hold yourself too? Why or why not?

I am a wordy bitch most of the time so word count minimums are rarely an issue. But I do often defer to the idea that if a drabble I write is under 1k, then I usually stick it on Tumblr and don’t bother posting it to AO3. I’m not sure why that became my rule, but it did. 

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

I’m not sure what you would label this- but I absolutely LOVE writing fics in which a couple breaks up, usually because one or both of the characters have internal issues that present themselves in unhealthy ways, ergo- breakup. But the characters spend a significant period of time apart, changing and growing as people, and in the end find their way back together- affirming that what they shared, really was true love. 

I think that a lot of characters I gravitate towards and write tend to be the kind of people who push others away when they are hurting (Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Oliver Queen, Alex Manes, Michael Guerin - both OG and RNM), and it’s nice to see those characters deal with the consequences of that action, grow as people, and find that love again. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

Haha. I honestly don’t know. Most tropes that I tend to avoid, I’ve seen done really well... so I’m of the “never say never” camp. That being said, I tend not to read a lot of AUs that drastically change who the characters are as people. For example, an AU where Alex and Michael went to UNM together after high school, but Michael is still an alien- cool! An AU where Michael isn’t an alien at all and didn’t grow up in Roswell? I likely won’t read it unless its written by a trusted author or is highly recommended to me. I felt the same way when I was reading more Arrow, and they didn’t make Oliver Queen a vigilante. 

I respect AUs and I don’t avoid them because I think they are gross or anything... I just gravitate towards a show often because of the premise and the characters combined, and if a fic drifts too far away from that, I’m not as drawn to it. 

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

It’s probably a solid 8. I have 3 documents up right now of the exact same scene written three different times, three different ways. I hate all of them, but I love them all enough to refuse to erase my words. When I first start writing, I often let a stream of consciousness out that gets me a lot of dialogue and little else. Here’s an example that not a single person asked for: 

Draft: 

Michael. Guitar. Truck. He’s hiding away from people. Isobel is being weird. DESCRIBE THIS. 

He’s been playing music more. Growing more comfortable with the various chords and stuff. HE CAN’T HEAR BUT HE FEELS THE MUSIC IN HIS BONES (VIBRATIONS) WEREWEWERWEREW. Write more shit here. Set the mood. Make sure he’s feeling broody so that when Alex comes we feel the change in him. 

He’s got his eyes closed and is enjoying the warmth of the sun (TALK ABOUT THE COLD SO WHEN THE ENERGY IS WARM WE FEEL IT). 

Suddenly, his eyes fly open as he looks up at Alex, who looks pissed off. <--HE DOESN’T KNOW HIS NAME. FIX THIS LATER. 

Despite not knowing Alex, Michael feels safe. 

"you can’t just steal instruments out of the music room, this is mine,” Alex says (GLOSS THIS, HE’S SIGNING). 

Michael nearly falls out of his truck in shock. 

Compare that to... 

Finished: 

(From Sanctuary) 

Michael is sitting on his tailgate with the same borrowed guitar, strumming out a melody and enjoying the way the vibrations move through him, calming his nerves. It’s his new favorite activity. He parks behind the bleachers, away from the rest of the world. With Isobel being weird the last few weeks and Michael getting mentally prepared for the transition to college, he’s started taking more time alone for himself. He’s been playing music more. 

He’s growing more comfortable with the various chords and switching between them with each passing day. He can’t hear to know if he’s any good, but he can feel the music in his bones. It gives him something to focus on that isn’t worrying over Isobel’s reaction when she’d found out about UNM. Or stressing about if Max will be alright on his own when he leaves to travel the world. Or obsessing about the piece of spaceship he’s still carrying around in his pocket. Or his insecurity over if he’s going to be able to handle life outside of the safe cocoon he’s built for himself in Roswell. 

His mind is chaos. Never ending, relentless chaos. And he has no compass. No clear direction to tell him the decisions he’s making are the right ones. He has no answers. But when he plays music, something settles within him. He can focus on the vibrations and everything else quiets. 

He’s got his eyes closed and is enjoying the warmth of the sun on his face after a freezing night spent sleeping in the desert. He’s playing the latest melody he’s learned when the guitar is ripped out of his hands. His eyes fly open and he looks up at a boy standing in front of him, looking pissed off. 

Michael would worry. He would get defensive. But he doesn’t get the sense that there’s a reason to. Michael knows violent people. He’s been around them his entire life to be able to read the body language of a person who’s about to hurt him. This boy doesn’t hold himself in a way that makes Michael feel threatened. In fact, Michael trusts him. Despite not knowing him, he has the strong feeling that he should have faith in this kid. 

Though they’ve never talked, Michael recognizes him. He’s Liz Ortecho’s friend. He’s seen him plenty of times in passing. He’s seen him coming out of his classroom a few times this year after lunch. His teacher hadn’t told Michael his name, but she had told him that she was helping him with a project. 

YOU CAN’T JUST STEAL INSTRUMENTS OUT OF THE MUSIC ROOM. THIS IS MINE, the boy signs and Michael nearly falls out of the truck in shock. 

[ober-affen-geil]

Roswell, New Mexico is on hiatus this week so to tide me over I want to reflect on a moment from the pilot. For me it really sets the tone for how the series was going to go, for both the handling of Michael/Alex and the overall writing/editing.

The scene, and more specifically the moment, is this one. x

The scene has a twofold meaning so I’ll address it in two parts. First, its immediate and obvious relevance to the relationship (meaning both romantic and generally to each other) between Michael and Alex. As a refresher, this is them taking a breather after Michael seeks out Alex “backstage” at their high school reunion and kisses him with a great deal of enthusiasm. For me this moment spoke volumes about their relationship that the audience has just been introduced to, and it pointed to how it would be written in the future.

Michael and Alex have had minimal interaction so far, and up to this point every single one (including the kiss) has been combative. Our introduction to “Michael and Alex” is Michael forcefully grabbing Alex’s arm and them trading snippy jibes. Their next interaction is at the reunion when Alex confronts Michael about his trailer, accuses him of a federal crime (cooking meth), and invades his space, followed by Michael taunting him in a deliberately flirtatious manner (”Did it get old for you?”) and walking away. (It was at this point when my brain started going Gay?!? GAY!!?!)

Then there’s the kiss which, again, is combative. You’ve come this far, bless you, so here’s a visual. x

(My brain was now repeatedly slamming the confetti button while chanting ‘I was right’.)

What the audience has been told about Michael and Alex at this point is that they know each other, they have not seen each other for an extended length of time, and there is clear sexual tension between them that they are willing to act on. But their interactions have been framed as a love/hate relationship; both characters have shown animosity to the each other and both have displayed negative traits. (Michael is the type of person to express his frustration physically and Alex is the type of person to confront people in public.)

And then this happens. x

A profound moment of stillness between two characters that have only been confrontational thus far. Literally five seconds, this instantly adds depth to Michael, Alex, and their relationship in the show. Michael, whose main physical actions throughout the episode have been aggressive, is achingly gentle as he caresses Alex’s cheek and cups the back of his head. Alex, who has hit back against Michael at every opportunity, stands quietly with their foreheads pressed together and lets Michael thread his fingers into his hair. 

These five seconds tells the audience that Michael and Alex have a deep emotional history, not merely a sexual one. These characters do not just fight and fuck, they have most likely been romantically involved in the past. In fact the obvious evidence that this scene presents of an emotional connection re-frames their animosity throughout the episode as that of a bad breakup; two people who cared deeply for each other were somehow separated and now find themselves face to face again. And their feelings haven’t changed. (At this point my brain was in the fetal position trying and failing very hard not to cry.)

What this told me about the future was that the writers were willing to not only make a queer paring a main focus, they were willing to flush it out as well. This moment simultaneously made Michael/Alex canon and promised the audience that their relationship would have depth.

Which leads me to the more general impact of the moment as it pertains to the show as a whole. Because while this gorgeous interaction was happening, Jesse Manes was speaking in voice over to Kyle; telling him “the truth” about the aliens in Roswell. These are his exact words:

“They are a violent race. They despise compassion; they despise freedom, love, and they thrive on our tragedy.”

Now, this bit is clearly done in voice over so that Manes’ words can be directly contradicted with the visual the audience is presented with. That technique is a well-traveled trope. What jumped out at me was that the editors chose specifically to put this scene between Alex and Michael under the word “love”. It could have been anything: Max being Soft and looking at Liz dancing, Max dancing with Liz, maybe Max and Isobel sharing a sibling side hug, anything. But they went with Michael and Alex having a moment of almost painful tenderness, which immediately frames that interaction as the show’s gold standard for love. Which, in turn, firmly states that this show regards this queer relationship on an equal level as all of the others.

It’s also important in that, as previously discussed, up to this point Michael has played into the “violent” alien mold that Manes is trying to put them all into. Our introduction to Michael as a character is him in a jail cell, quickly followed by him throwing Max across the room and into a desk with his telepathy. He is clearly framed as “the volatile one” of the three. It is significant that Michael is the one depicted showing compassion and love, contrary to what Manes is saying, since so far he is the only one we haven’t seen doing so.

And, at the same time, this is when it is revealed that Max and Isobel are potentially involved with Rosa’s death, giving a dark twist to two characters who have been thus far shown to be forces for good in the show. Basically, it gives depth to all three of the alien characters and levels the moral playing field significantly. 

tl;dr This brief moment between Alex and Michael didn’t have to be put in. But the fact that it was, and that it was in the pilot, lays a clear foundation and makes a promise as to what we can expect to see done with Michael/Alex for the remainder of the season and the show as a whole. Here’s one more for the road because boy does this just fuck me right up. x

[michaels-blackhat]

For RNM Week, Day 3: Soundtrack.

graphic design is my passion

bisexual. alien. disaster.: a michael guerin playlist

| sturgill simpson // welcome to earth (pollywog) | ezra furman // i wanna destroy myself | lil nas x // old town road | dar williams // in love but not at peace | days n daze // misanthropic drunken loner | onsind // heterosexuality is a construct | old dominion // bad at love | the magnetic fields // you’re my only home | chris stapleton // whiskey and you | kacey musgraves // space cowboy | drive-by truckers // goddamn lonely love | death cab for cutie // tiny vessels (demo) | keren ann // my name is trouble | hank williams iii // crazed country rebel | jake bugg // two fingers | sturgill simpson // it ain’t all flowers | elton john // rocket man | jason isbell and the 400 unit // if we were vampires | kodaline // all i want

a real manes man: an alex manes playlist

| the mountain goats // this year | wolf parade // you are a runner and i am my father’s son | fall out boy // our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn’t get sued | buzzcocks // ever fallen in love | panic! at the disco // camisado | metric // blindness | miski // real men | beyoncé & dixie chicks // daddy lessons | brand new // desert | radiohead // exit music (for a film) | tame impala // new person, same old mistakes | muna // winterbreak | fall out boy // nobody puts baby in the corner | trevor sensor // satan’s man | radiohead // talk show host | tori amos // hey jupiter (the dakota version) | taking back sunday // your own disaster | kesha // praying | panic! at the disco // impossible year |

i don’t even know myself: an isobel evans playlist

| kacey musgraves // this town | tori amos // girl | kate voegele // wish you were | beyoncé // irreplaceable | em rossi // earthquake | marina // i am not a robot | e^st // alien | susanne sundfør // the silicone veil | rhianna // disturbia | marina // power & control | carrie underwood // good girl | foxes // scar | beyoncé ft. kendrick lemar // freedom

(special thanks to @bisexualalienblast for being awesome, listening to me obsess about music, & for humoring me when I asked you to merge those images)

[laurenkmyers]

A Reconciliation by laurenkmyers. 

This is a follow-up piece to my Gotta Get With My Friends piece, but it can also be read as a stand-alone. It's unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. Also, I have split this part of the story into two parts. The smut I promised will be in the final chapter. Watch this space.

Summary: Michael and Alex talk finally, with actual words. A reconciliation after their fight at the drive-in. Angst, with a happy ending. 

Can also be read here at AO3 (x)

“ALEX!” Michael yelled, panting as he continued his sprint towards Alex’s front porch. As he got closer to his intended destination he threw all caution to the wind and did the only thing he knew would get Alex’s attention. Getting naked was always a sure fire way of doing so in the past. He started first by ripping off his shirt, throwing it haphazardly behind him- not caring where it landed. Alex wanted Michael to be open and honest with him? He never did anything by halves. 

“Alex Manes! Get out here, man!” he continued shouting, not giving a damn who heard him. He also resumed his one man strip show; the shoes and jeans coming off next. Michael was down to just his boxers when Alex finally opened the door. He tentatively stepped out onto the porch and remained there, staring in awe of the half-naked Michael Guerin standing in front of his house. After a moment of longing that seemed to last an eternity, Alex finally snapped back to reality, “Guerin? What the hell are you doing? Put your damn clothes back on!”

Michael persisted, smirking “Nope,” He shook his head in defiance. “Can’t. You only ever pay attention when I’m naked, not that I blame you. I’m gorgeous. But I need your full attention now, Private” Michael countered back, dipping his fingers into the waistband of his boxers readying himself to pull them down.

“Okay okay okay,” Alex snapped, gesturing for him to stop stripping in front of the whole goddamn street. “You have my attention, Guerin. What do you want?”

Michael watched as Alex struggled with his own emotions, trying desperately not to look at him in all his semi- naked glory. He commended his man for his iron-steel willpower. “What I want is you, Alex. I don’t know how I can make that any clearer.” He stood at the foot of Alex’s porch; arms open wide in the most obvious display of: I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. “You know when I told you I never look away? Well, I meant it. I see you Alex. I’ve always seen you. Now I need you to see me.”

Alex looked on, with a hint of hope in his eyes; he blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall and nodded his head toward the house. “Would you just get inside, Guerin.” Alex turned and walked into the house, leaving the door wide open for Michael to follow.

Michael’s heart beat loudly in his chest; he took a minute to compose himself before he quickly gathered up all of his clothes and followed Alex. It was all or nothing now.

As Michael entered the house the first thing he noticed was that there was nothing obvious that made the house feel like a home anymore. This wasn’t the house he remembered from 10 years ago. That house was full of life. Now, there was nothing homely about it- no personal items, no photos, and definitely no warmth.  It was as if the exact moment Alex’s mom had died, so had the sense of anything real and fun. Sergeant Manes was a military man first. Fighting for his country and his people was always top priority, family came second. Sandra Manes was different. She was kind. She was hopeful; a friendly woman who always treated Michael with nothing but love and acceptance whenever Alex brought him round for dinner. A lot had changed over the years. The love that Sandra had had for her boys always made the Manes residence a place of hope and freedom, now it just felt stale and worn-out.

Michael shook off the initial numbness the atmosphere around him created and pressed onwards. He found Alex in the living room, waiting. Before he had the chance to say anything, Alex huffed loudly, pacing back and forth. “What the hell was that, Guerin? Parading around in your underwear in front of my house like that? Do you want to get arrested again? Do you get off on it, is that it?” He sneered. Michael stood his ground. He was done with this bullshit.

“Enough okay? I’m sick of the hypocrisy Alex, I’m not the only one whose been arrested for doing something stupid, remember? But unlike you, I don’t have a daddy who can just make my problems disappear.” Michael yelled back, running his hand through his unruly curls in frustration, making them stick up in all different directions making him look as wild as Alex made him feel.

Alex stopped dead in his tracks, remembering not one, but two times he’d been forced to call his judgemental father because he’d been picked up for under-age drinking and possession of drugs.  He visibly deflated. “I’m guess I deserved that,” the pacing started again, “I know I don’t exactly have the best track record myself and you took the fall for me so many times in the past but-” he faltered, tears falling down his face. “I just- every time I think we can really do this, be together, you go and prove to me why we can’t. One illegal activity after another. I’m not that person anymore, Guerin.” He stopped, gripping his crutch so tight, like it was the only thing keeping him crumbling to the ground.

Michael noticed the way Alex was barely holding it together and despite the anger he felt towards him right now all he wanted to do was haul him into his arms and never let go. But they had to lay all their cards out on the table, otherwise this constant game of back and forth was only going to continue. He pushed forward, “What is this really about, Alex? Because it’s not about some goddamn copper wire side hustle?” Michael probed, hoping if he prodded hard enough he’d finally get an honest answer out of the stubborn man in front of him.

“My father,” Alex laughed, humourlessly.  “He told me in not so many words that being with you would ruin my life.” Alex declared darkly, though Michael could tell that saying it out loud hurt him more than it was meant to hurt Michael. He took a daring step forward. It was now or never.

“And do you believe that? That being with me will ruin your life?” Michael took a choppy lungful of air in the hopes of calming his racing heart. He watched Alex carefully, took in the way his eyes closed; a solitary tear slid down his already wet cheek. He saw the way Alex held his breath, clinging to the last bit of air he had in his lungs before expelling it out through his nose. He watched as Alex clutched his fist together and released it in one movement. All the signs on his face told Michael he had given up. This was it. It was over.

But in that moment Alex did the complete opposite of what he expected. He surged forward, grabbing Michael by the back of the neck and forced their lips together. He tugged hard at Michael’s bottom lip with his teeth, begging for entrance. Michael opened willingly and felt as Alex’s tongue searched frantically for his. The kiss didn’t last long before Alex pulled back, breathing heavily, but he held Michael’s face with both hands- his crutch having fallen to the floor in the heat of the moment; forgotten. They stood and breathed each other in. Sharing the same air, the same mind, and the same soul. Michael saw a world of possibility in that moment. The stars, the sun, the moon- all colliding together in one spectacular show of light. It burned brightly around a single silhouette. The light dwindled and all Michael saw was the face of the man that he loved. The smiling, breathless face of Alex Manes remained. One day Michael would find a way to show Alex the way he looked through his eyes. A promise for another time.

Michael heard Alex splutter loudly. The moment passed, bringing them both gradually back down to Earth. He slowly reached up and wiped away the remaining tears that had fallen down his man’s face. He lifted Alex’s chin and finally looked at him. Alex’s cheeks were tear-stained, his eyes puffy and red; a picture of absolute anguish. But it wasn’t anguish he saw on Alex’s face. What he saw was the face of a man who knew what he wanted. Finally.

“Being with you is the only thing that makes me truly happy. I’ve been so lost without you, Michael…” He physically crumbled on Michael’s name. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to say it out loud since he left for war, clinging to the reality and the warmth of his body as they both fell unceremoniously to the ground. Michael managed to catch him before he smashed his prosthetic leg on the wooden floor.

“Careful Soldier, you’re not as light as you used to be” Michael offered, a little chuckle escaping him as he held on. Alex whimpered out a short laugh, wiping away another tear that had fallen. The two stayed silent. Alex clung to Michael’s back, as Michael soothed him; one hand in his hair and the other rubbing back and forth over the exposed part of Alex’s hip where his shirt had ridden up. Michael could have stayed in that moment forever. He finally had Alex back in his arms. They sat there on the cold, hard floor for what felt like hours until Alex sighed into his neck and lifted his head. “Take me to bed, Michael.”

“What? Here? But your dad…” Michael raised his eyebrow in question. Though, he was silently amused at the thought of Sergeant Manes walking in on him and his son, in the throes of passion. But he didn’t want to push his luck.

“Screw him,” Alex proclaimed, shocking himself and Michael at his bluntness.  “We’re not teenagers anymore. If I want to take my boyfriend to bed, I’ll take my boyfriend to bed.” Alex smiled the brightest smile he had ever seen. It warmed his goddamn heart. They may not be teenagers anymore but the look on Alex’s face reminded him of simpler times, when the freedom to be together was only held back by an unruly security guard at the UFO centre, and a secret kiss at the back of the display cabinet under the stars.  

“Boyfriend, huh?” Michael smirked, unable to stop the teasing tone but secretly giddy at the term.

“Well, I just figured after you ran all the way over here and my proclamation you’d maybe want-mmphf.” Michael silenced him with a kiss, deepening it with the flick of his tongue.

Michael drew back, leaving Alex wanting, needy. “Boyfriend sounds kinda high school, but I’ll take what I can get.” Michael teased once more before Alex lunged at him. He took one last, lingering kiss before pulling away.

“Bed. Now.” Alex breathed the words against Michael’s open lips; a shiver ran up his spine.

“Yes, sir.” He saluted, before he hauled Alex over his shoulder and ran towards Alex’s bedroom, giggling madly as he slammed the door behind them.

[bestoftheyear]

Best Songs of 2016

Year number six. I’m honestly surprised I still have the time to do this, listen to as much music as I do with all the adulting and life stuff happening. But I’d have it no other way! I’m keeping the list the same as last year, going down from 301 (because darts? idk) to number one, a song that has been at the top since February. My music taste is still ever growing, so much that I actually downloaded a country album for the first time ever--shout out Maren Morris.

Last year I went stats, keeping with that, I went with about fifty more songs in my playlists, just under 1800, so keep that in mind. For a personal project, I do a lot of judging. Judging started last December 16 and stopped December 15, or bascially after Kid Cudi released Passion, Pain & Demon Slaying--which is why there is music from Pusha T’s last album and likewise, nothing new from RTJ3. I already released the top 100 on the gram, so if you aren’t following me there then what the hell man! Anyway--hit that jump for the list

301. Blackbear - idfc (Tarro Remix)

300. Hamilton Leithauser & Rostam - A 1000 Times

299. 24hrs - You Know

298. The Skins - Bury me (feat. D.R.A.M.)

297. Astrid S - Hurts So Good

296. Lil Durk - Eyes (feat. Talib Kweli & James Fauntleroy)

295. Foxes - Devil Side

294. The Strumbellas - Young & Wild

293. Roy Woods - Only You (feat. Ty Dolla $ign & 24hrs)

292. Kacy Hill - Lion

291. The Japanese House - Face Like Thunder

290. Bridgit Mendler - Atlantis (feat. Kaiydo)

289. Allan Kingdom - Believe

288. Wild Belle - Throw Down Your Guns

287. Meek Mill - Shine

286. Bishop Briggs - The Way I Do

285. Anderson .Paak - Room In here (feat. The Game & Sonyae Elise)

284. FKA twigs - Good to Love

283. Post Malone - Leave

282. AURORA - Conqueror

281. Kendrick Lamar - Untitled 03 | 05.28.2013

280. Elohim - Hallucinating

279. TWENTY88 - On The Way

278. Banks - To The Hilt

277. Bryson Tiller - Rambo (The Weeknd Remix)

276. Frank Ocean - Ivy

275. Declan McKenna - Isombard

274. Daye Jack - Finish Line

273. Young the Giant - Titus Was Born

272. The Naked and Famous - Laid Low

271. White Sea - Bloodline

270. Ra Ra Riot & Rostam - Water

269. Beck - Wow

268. Isaiah Rashad - Smile

267. Warpaint - New Song

266. PARTYNEXTDOOR - Not Nice

265. LIV - Dream Awake

264. Bankroll Mafia - Out My Face (feat. Tip, Shad Da God, Young Thug & London Jae)

263. Isaiah Rashad & Goldlink - Untitled

262. The Weeknd - Attention

261. Tory Lanez - Luv

260. Justice - Safe and Sound

259. Chance the Rapper - Grown Ass Kid (feat. Mick Jenkins & Alex Wiley)

258. Lil Yachty - Minnesota (feat. Quavo, Skippa Da Flippa & Young Thug)

257. D.R.A.M. - Misunderstood (feat. Young Thug)

256. Louis the Child - Fire (feat. Evalyn)

255. Jack Garratt - Worry (feat. Anderson .Paak)

254. ZHU - Generation Why

253. DJ Khaled - Jermaine’s Interlude (feat. J. Cole)

252. Ab-Soul 0 Huey Knew THEN (feat. Da$H)

251. Raury - Neveralone

250. Banks & Steelz - Love and War (feat. Ghostface Killah)

249. A Tribe Called Quest - Conrad Tokyo (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

248. The 1975 - The Sound

247. James Blake - Timeless (feat. Vince Staples)

246. Kweku Collins - Stupid Rose

245. Bob Moses - Tearing Me Up

244. James Vincent McMorrow - Rising Water

243. A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie - My Sh*t

242. Post Malone - Deja Vu (feat. Justin Bieber)

241. The Americanos - In My Foreign (feat. Ty Dolla $ign, Lil Yachty, Nicky Jam & French Montana)

240. Travis Scott - Lose (feat. Cassie)

239. Drake - Sneakin’ (feat. 21 Savage)

238. Chance the Rapper - Juke Jam (feat. Justin Bieber & Towkio)

237. Run River North - Run Or Hide

236. Lil Uzi Vert - You Was Right

235. Amber Coffman - All to Myself

234. Kid Cudi - Frequency

233. Euro - Georgia

232. KAYTRANADA - GOT IT GOOD (feat. Craig David)

231. Tiggs Da Author - Swear Down (feat. Yungen)

230. Jorja Smith - A Price (feat. Maverick Sabre)

229. Khalid - Let’s Go

228. Amine - Baba

227. Pusha T - MPA (feat. Kanye West, A$AP Rocky & The-Dream)

226. Young Thug - Wyclef Jean

225. Love Thy Brother - Love Me Better (feat. Ariel Beesley)

224. The Weeknd - Party Monster

223. Drake - Controlla

222. Liss - Sorry

221. dvsn - Hallucinations

220. Phantogram - Cruel World

219. Rory Fresco - Lowkey

218. Saba - Church/Liquor Store (feat. Noname)

217. Francis and the Lights - See Her Out (That’s Just Life)

216. Drake - Hype

215. Andrew McMahon In the Wilderness - Fire Escape

214. Theophilus London - Revenge (feat. Ariel Pink)

213. XYLØ - Fool’s Paradise

212. Glass Animals - Pork Soda

211. Post Malone - Congratulation (feat. Quavo)

210. Transviolet - LA Love

209. OnCue - 3AM

208. Wet - Small and Silver

207. Banks - Trainwreck

206. Bon Iver - 22 (OVER  S∞∞N)

205. Beyonce - 6 Inch (feat. The Weeknd)

204. Rob $tone - Chill Bill (Remix) [feat. D.R.A.M., Denzel Curry & Cousin Stizz)

203. Raury & Jaden Smith - Losing Your Mind

202. Chance the Rapper - Finish Line/Drown (feat. T-Pain, Kirk Franklin, Eryn Allen Kane & Noname)

201. Rae Sremmurd - Swang

200. Travis Scott - Coordinate (feat. Blac Youngsta)

199. Chairlift - Crying in Public

198. Allan Kingdom - Renovate (feat. D.R.A.M.)

197. Adam Vida - I’m Juiced

196. Logic - Wrist (feat. Pusha T)

195. Mac Miller - Cinderella (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

194. Hundred Waters - Show Me Love (feat. Chance the Rapper, Moses Sumney & Robin Hannibal) [Skrillex Remix]

193. Bruno Mars - That’s What I Like

192. Travis Scott - Wonderful (feat. The Weeknd)

191. Frank Ocean - Rushes To

190. Lil Uzi Vert - Money Longer

189. Salaam Remi - Come Through and Chill (feat. Miguel)

188. ScHoolboy Q - Ride Out (feat. Vince Staples)

187. Joey Purp - Girls @ (feat. Chance the Rapper)

186. Kanye West - Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1 (feat. Kid Cudi)/Pt. 2 (feat. Desiigner)

185. Domo Genesis - Dapper (feat. Anderson .Paak)

184. The Head and The Heart - Colors

183. Cashmere Cat - Wild Love (feat. The Weeknd & Francis and the Lights)

182. Judah & the Lion - Take It All Back

181. Post Malone - Money Made Me Do It (feat. 2 Chainz)

180. Chance the Rapper - Blessings (Reprise) [feat. Anderson .Paak, BJ The Chicago Kid, Raury & Ty Dolla $ign]

179. Young the Giant - Something To Believe In

178. A Tribe Called Quest - Kids... (feat. Andre Benjamin)

177. Twelve’len - Star Dust

176. Sara Hartman - Stranger in a Room

175. Bishop Briggs - Be Your Love

174. The Hunna - You & Me

173. Hare Squead - Herside Story

172. Solange - Don’t Touch My Hair (feat. Sampha)

171. Belly - Consuela (feat. Young Thug & Zack)

170. Birdy - Wild Horses

169. Lil Yachty - One Night

168. Kanye West - FML (feat. The Weeknd)

167. Meek Mill - Litty (feat. Tory Lanez)

166. Charli XCX - After the Afterparty (feat. Lil Yachty)

165. Drake - Child’s Play

164. Big Gigantic - All of Me (feat. Logic & ROZES)

163. Ro Ransom - Doppelganger

162. T.I. - Dope (feat. Marsha Ambrosius)

161. Skepta - Man

160. DJ Khaled - Nas Album Done (feat. Nas)

159. ScHoolboy Q - THat Part (feat. Kanye West)

158. Milky Chance - Cocoon

157. Wet - The Middle

156. Mac Miller - Stay

155. Post Malone - Patient

154. 21 Savage - X (feat. Future)

153. Ava Wolfe - xkss

152. JONES - Melt

151. Local Natives - Past Lives

150. Caleborate - Options (feat. Pell & Sylvan LaCue)

149. Vince Staples - War Ready

148. Chance the Rapper - Smoke Break (feat. Future)

147. Kevin Abstract - Empty

146. Rihanna - Love on the Brain

145. Lady Gaga - Hey Girl (feat. Florence Welch)

144. 2 Chainz - Good Drank (feat. Quavo & Gucci Mane)

143. The Weeknd - I Feel It Coming (feat. Daft Punk)

142. 070 Shake - Trust Nobody

141. Beyonce - Don’t Hurt Yourself (feat. Jack White)

140. Kanye West - Saint Pablo (feat. Sampha)

139. Lecrae & Leon Bridges - On My Own

138. Run The Jewels - 2100 (feat. BOOTS)

137. Post Malone - Monta (feat. Lil Yachty)

136. KAYTRANADA - GLOWED UP (feat. Anderson .Paak)

135. Phantogram - You Don’t Get Me High Anymore

134. Mura Masa - Love$ick (feat. A$AP Rocky) [Four tet Remix]

133. Father John Misty - Real Love Baby

132. Sampha - Blood On Me

131. Nick Grant - Get Up (feat. WatchTheDuck)

130. Drake - One Dance (feat. Wizkid & Kyla)

129. Verite - Underdressed

128. Jon Waltz - Riot

127. Jon Bellion - Maybe IDK

126. Meek Mill - Offended (feat. Young Thug & 21 Savage)

125. The Strumbellas - We Don’t Know)

124. The Weeknd - Six Feet Under

123. Clams Casino - All Nite (feat. Vince Staples)

122. Snakehips - Money On Me (feat. Anderson .Paak)

121. Isaiah Rashad - Wat’s Wrong (feat. Zacari & Kendrick Lamar)

120. Anderson .Paak - The Waters (feat. BJ the Chicago Kid)

119. Kendrick Lamar - Untitled 08 | 09.06.2014

118. Kid Cudi - Baptized in Fire (feat. Travis Scott)

117. Jay Prince - Father, Father

116. Daye Jack - Hands Up (feat. Killer Mike)

115. Jorja Smith - Something in the Way

114. Migos - Bad and Boujee

113. Kodak Black - Too Many Years (feat. PnB Rock)

112. Pell - In the Morning (feat. Stephen & Caleborate)

111. Frank Ocean - Pink + White

110. Big Sean - Living Single (feat. Chance the Rapper & Jeremih)

109. Gucci Mane - Last Time (feat. Travis Scott)

108. Beyonce - Freedom (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

107. Rihanna - Needed Me

106. Roy Woods - Gwan Big Up Urself

105. KYLE - iSpy (feat. Lil Yachty)

104. Flume - Never Be Like You (feat. Kai)

103. Vic Mensa - Free Love (feat. Le1f, Halsey, Lil B & Malik Yusef)

102. Logic - Tree of Life (feat. Slug & Killer Mike)

101. J. Cole - Immortal

100. Shannon Saunders - Pure

99. Royal Teeth - Kids Conspire

98. Gallant - Bourbon

97. Banks - Gemini Feed

96. Run The Jewels - Talk To Me

95. A$AP Ferg - Strive (feat. Missy Elliott)

94. Kanye West - Real Friends (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

93. Grouplove - Good Morning

92. Divine Council - Dememba (Remix) [feat. $ilk Money & Andre Benjamin)

91. Drake - Fake Love

90. 21 Savage - No Heart

89. Phantogram - Same Old Blues

88. Sara Hartman - Monster Lead Me Home

87. Chance the Rapper - All Night (feat. Knox Fortune)

86. Bruno Mars - 24K Magic

85. Khalid - Location

84. Alicia Keys - Blended Family (feat. A$AP Rocky)

83. Kid Cudi - Surfin’ (feat. Pharrell Williams)

82. Ta-ku & Wafia - Meet in the Middle

81. Frank Ocean - Nights

80. Bon Iver - 33 “GOD”

79. Big Sean - Bounce Back

78. Isaiah Rashad - AA

77. The Avett Brothers - Ain’t No Man

76. J. Cole - Deja Vu

75. Ab-Soul - RAW (backwards) [feat. Zacari]

74. Kanye West, Gucci Mane, Big Sean, 2 Chainz, Travis Scott, Yo Gotti, Quavo & Desiigner - Champions

73. Rag’n’Bone Man - Human

72. Chance the Rapper - All We Got (feat. Kanye West & Chicago Children’s Choir)

71. Kaiydo - Fruit Punch

70. Desiigner - Tiimmy Turner

69. Rihanna - Same Ol’ Mistakes

68. The 1975 - Somebody Else

67. A Tribe Called Quest - We The People...

66. Bishop Briggs - Wild Horses

65. Kanye West - Fade (feat. Post Malone & Ty Dolla $ign)

64. The Weeknd - Reminder

63. ScHoolboy Q - By Any Means

62. Danny Brown - Really Doe (feat. Kendrick Lamar, Ab-Soul & Earl Sweatshirt)

61. Glass Animals - Youth

60. Travis Scott - The Ends (feat. Andre 3000)

59. Anderson .Paak - Come Down

58. Chance the Rapper - Mixtape (feat. Young Thug & Lil Yachty)

57. Mick Jenkins - Spread Love

56. Maggie Rogers - Dog Years

55. Denzel Curry - This Life

54. Kanye West - Wolves (feat. Vic Mensa & Sia)/Frank’s Track

53. The Chainsmokers - Closer (feat. Halsey)

52. Beyonce - Formation

51. Young Thug - Kanye West (feat. Wyclef Jean)

50. Misterwives - Same Drugs (Chance the Rapper cover)

49. DJ Khaled - Holy Key (feat. Big Sean, Kendrick Lamar & Betty Wright)

48. Kid Cudi - By Design (feat. Andre Benjamin)

47. Joey Bada$$ - Devastated

46. Starrah - Rush

45. Sampha - Timmy’s Prayer

44. Post Malone - Go Flex

43. J. Cole - False Prophets

42. Drake - 4PM In Calabasas

41. The Weeknd - Starboy (feat. Daft Punk)

40. Frank Ocean - Nikes

39. Kendrick Lamar - Untitled 07 | levitate

38. DJ Shadow - Nobody Speak (feat. Run The Jewels)

37. SAINt JHN - Reflex

36. Noname - Diddy Bop (feat. Raury & Cam O’bi)

35. 6LACK - Prblms

34. J. Cole - Change

33. Beyonce - Hold Up

32. Francis and the Lights - Friends (feat. Bon Iver)

31. John Legend - Penthouse Floor (feat. Chance the Rapper)

30. Future - Low Life (feat. The Weeknd)

29. Wet - All The Ways

28. Childish Gambino - Redbone

27. Travis Scott - Goosebumps (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

26. Frank Ocean - Solo (Reprise) [feat. Andre Benjamin]

25. Rae Sremmurd - Black Beatles (feat. Gucci Mane)

24. Young Thug & Travis Scott - Pick Up The Phone (feat. Quavo)

23. Mac Miller - Dang! (feat. Anderson .Paak)

22. The Strumbellas - Spirits

21. Beyonce - Sorry

20. The xx - On Hold

19. Flume - Smoke & Retribution (feat. Vince Staples & Kucka)

18. The Head and The Heart - All We Ever Knew

17. Chance the Rapper - Summer Friends (feat. Jeremih & Francis and the Lights)

16. Kanye West - No More Parties in L.A. (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

15. Glass Animals - Life Itself

14. Bishop Briggs - River

13. Childish Gambino - Me and Your Mama

12. The Weeknd - Sidewalks (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

11. Solange - Cranes in the Sky

10. Amine - Caroline

9. Frank Ocean - Solo

8. D.R.A.M. - Broccoli (feat. Lil Yachty)

7. Chance the Rapper - Blessings

6. Jorja Smith - Blue Lights

5. Maggie Rogers - Alaska

4. Travis Scott - Through the Late Night (feat. Kid Cudi)

3. Anderson .Paak - The Dreamer (feat. Talib Kweli & Timan Family Choir)

2. Chance the Rapper - No Problem (feat. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz)

1. Kanye West - Ultralight Beam (feat. Chance the Rapper, The-Dream, Kelly Price & Kirk Franklin)

[captainsassmanes]

Early morning reblog 💕

Alex left on a Tuesday morning. 

Saturday had been just another day; sunny, warm, nothing pressing to do. He’d gotten a text in the group chat from Maria:

Everyone to the Pony at 8

His stomach still did that thing when he went there, having to witness Michael and Maria together, an odd combination of happiness and resentment, comfort and fury. Alex’s friendships hadn’t been the same, not with anyone really, since they’d started dating. Everyone had managed to find their own path, their focus, except Alex.

With a painted smile on his face, he had entered the bar that night expecting an alien update, the main reason the chat was used. But when he saw Maria trying to suppress a beaming smile, his gut churned, and he immediately regretted walking in the door.

In a daze, he somehow made it through their happy announcement, watching everyone’s excitement in slow motion, like a damaged projection or looking through a sheer curtain. 

Eventually his senses caught up to him. Breathing deeply through his nose, he forced his lips to curl upwards and gave Maria a hug and Guerin a firm handshake, unable to meet his eye. He attempted the, “don’t hurt her or else” bit but it came out halfhearted and broken.

Not long after that, he’d snuck out without a word, climbing into his Jeep and driving to the cabin, foot pressed too heavy on the accelerator. Once home, he’d completed his nighttime routine in silence, only the sound of dog nails clicking against the wood floors kept him company.

He climbed into bed and pulled Buffy close, burying his nose in her fur.

Alex fell asleep that night knowing he couldn’t stay.

He’d called in a favor late Sunday morning, another beautiful day mocking him and his agony. No one seemed to notice his early exit the night before, only Kyle who sent him a simple you okay? text. Alex couldn’t figure out how to answer that, so he didn’t, secretly grateful for the sentiment though.

Monday was spent proactively changing his address, packing his bags and tidying up the house. He closed up the cabin the night before, saying his goodbyes in the privacy of the trees. A few times throughout the day, between folding t-shirts and bathroom breaks for her highness, he sat at his kitchen table, armed with a pen and a sheet of paper, debating about writing a letter explaining his decision. Other times he’d hold his phone in his hands, squinting as his contact list, fingers hovering over familiar names and opening up messages he’d never write. Despite never feeling more alone, Alex didn’t want anyone worried or feeling guilty.

But in the end, he was too much of a coward to face anyone; paper, screen or otherwise.

He did leave a note on the counter, folding it neatly in half and scribbling Kyle’s name in large print. It wasn’t anything deep, just a simple explanation that he had a change of station and asking Kyle to take care of his place while he was gone. He also offered the cabin to Kyle, a place to get away that could be his. It made Alex happy to think of Kyle using his father’s cabin as his home away from home.

With his last bag tossed in the back seat and Buffy happily climbing into the passenger’s side, Alex took one last look at his house. One of the few things he owned, that he’d done all on his own, that felt like his.

He had to leave it behind.

Sighing, he grabbed his phone and shot a quick text to Kyle, vaguely asking him to swing by at some point, use his key and, no, it wasn’t an emergency. He bit his lip as the engine roared to life and Buffy began moving in shaky circles to find the most comfortable position for the trip.

Texas would be great. It had to be.