#aleafofinspiration

[aleafofinspiration]

Unlived.

“...”

It was a silent morning. One filled with the sounds of chirping birds, rustling leaves, the ticking of the clock and the peaceful silence without any sign of human interference. Suzuki opened her eyes slowly and looked around the room she was familiar yet unfamiliar with. The ticking clock showed it was 9:44am. She has slept in more than usual. As she breath by breath awakens her brain, she felt something... Something felt off. Her right hand felt cold. She brought her it to her cheek. It felt just normal in temperature.

Her clothing was folded up neatly on a chair besides the bed. The girl got up, stepping out of her bed, carefully touching her toes to the floor, as if she was careful not to dirty the place. The place that felt like a stranger to her. She got out of her nightgown and pulled the dress over her head. As she removes the wrinkles of her dress, a soft tinkling sound could be heard among the silence.

Looking carefully what was dropped, she found herself a necklace on the ground. A necklace with a small ring. A necklace that was given to her by—

“...”

Her emerald green eyes opened, scanning the room she found herself in. It took only a glance before she felt a pit in her stomach.

Everything was kept neatly. She liked keeping things tidy, and this would honestly satisfy her OCD. But instead of satisfaction, dread crept up through her veins. All the books were placed neatly, the backs sticking out at the same level, in the seemingly new bookcase. No scratch on the wood, no book sticking out. The carpet was clean and tidy, as if no one had stepped on it before. The desk was empty and clean... no notes, no pencil, no decorations...

Cold sweat broke out on her back and her forehead.

It couldn’t be... right? She tried to convince herself in her head, but she knew there was no value to human believes or hopes. There’s only a truth, and it won’t be bent by either of those.

She made her way to the old desk, dragging her feet that were held back by her human fear. Hesitantly, she reached for the lower drawer with the lock. She gulped, while the lump her throat wouldn’t disappear.

With a swing she tried to open the drawer. Normally, you would hope for locked things to be open, but this was the only time she ever hoped that it wouldn’t bug, that it wouldn’t open.

The drawer was opened easily. And the open lock hid nothing this time.

Goosebumps crept up all over her skin. She could feel the hairs on the nape of her neck standing up. Frantically, she opened the other drawers as well. To no avail. All drawers were empty.

“Aniki!!”

With a slam the door of the room opened. As soon as he heard the news, Gabe had ran over to Nick’s hideout. Panting as he stood in the room, hoping to find his aniki, he found the pink-haired girl instead.

It looked like a picture perfect scene. The sun was shining through the window, casting its sunshine in the room on the girl. She stood near the desk, her hair flowed behind her, on the same rhythm as the dancing curtains, carried by the breeze that made its way into the room through the window. It was an aesthetic shot that one would find photography worthy.

But her emerald eyes. Teary emerald eyes looked at him - or stared through him, he couldn’t quite pinpoint it. A terrified look. Two big drop of tears made their way down her cheeks.

Gabe was never really acquainted with the sweet girl called Suzuki. It was Nick’s darling, and to be honest, she never piqued his interest. He didn’t know what to say to Suzuki, especially not a crying one. As he looked away and mulled over his options on what to say, the girl spoke up to break the few seconds of silence that they shared.

His eyes widened upon hearing her words. They were quiet yet audible enough for Gabe to catch. Gabriel is known to be quick witted and smart to reply almost instantaneously to anything. However, this time he was caught off guard. He stood there. Frozen. His breath caught in his throat. Not knowing what to say or do. The tears streamed down her face and she brought her hands to her eyes, still holding onto the necklace.

“... Gabe, Nick’s gone.” He can still hear her words echo in his mind. Suzuki always called Gabe by Gabriel-san and always called Nick by Nick-kun. The girl in front of him wasn’t Suzuki.

The girl who was notorious to never be afraid to die, to fight, to mercilessly kill... was standing before him, breaking down. Scattering. And it broke Gabe as he heard her sob. Impulsively he ran over and held her tightly in his arms.

Not being a fan of physical contact, not understanding human emotions, not being particularly fond of the deadly Italian assassin, Kohane would push the guy away one would think. However, overcome with the human emotions that control her being, she grabbed tightly onto Gabe’s shirt instead and allowed herself to cry.

While he was holding her, his eyes looked over the open empty drawers and scanned the room. Everything was gone. It was a tidy room... too tidy. There wasn’t much of a trace of living. It was like no one lived here. Unlived.

It was like Nick never existed.

[aleafofinspiration]

Banana pancakes

Saturday morning. She woke up to the sound of a sizzling pan and the smell of something delicious. Someone was cooking? The kitchen is quite far away from her own room, so how could she hear it so crystal clear as if she was in the kitchen? She turned around, burying her face in the blanket. The bed was comfy and warm... much comfier. The blanket smelled different than usual..? Panic taking over her mind completely, she opened her eyes immediately and shot right up straight in the unfamiliar bed.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty. Did you sleep well?”

Kohane turned her head to see Gabriel standing just around the tiny corner. He was standing there a few meters away, apparently cooking something in the small open kitchen.

Her eyes darted around the room she found herself in. It was a small studio with a kitchen. She was on a single person bed against the wall. At the end of the bed was a wardrobe in the corner. At the opposite wall was a flatscreen television above a cupboard. She could recognise some game consoles and games laying upon it. Between the tv and the bed was a low coffee table with a carpet underneath and with her height of vision, sitting on the bed, she could see a thin yoga mattress spread out with a blanket and a pillow. The room had a floor to ceiling window on one side. She could see an empty balcony and beyond that, a not so height sight over the city. She guessed she must be on a floor between the 5th and 10th of a flat.

“Well, that certainly is a sight I wouldn’t mind to wake up to every morning.” Gabe nodded and gave her a grin before turning his eyes back to the food in the pan.

Her eyes moved to herself on the bed. She was... half naked only in her underwear?! Quickly did she cover up herself with the blanket. Oh no... did they..? Did he..? She couldn’t remember anything. She remembered going to the school prom, being bored and having Gabe stick to her like glue while the rest of the students tried to distance themselves as much as possible with her. Desperately did she dig through her brain to find the remaining memories of last night, of how she ended up here, but nothing came to mind alas. There’s only one way to find out the how, why and what...

“... Say... did we... do anything last night...?” was her first question.

There was a bit of silence, only the sound of sizzling from the cooking, that could be heard before he hesitantly answered her. “... you don’t remember..?”

She turned her head to Gabe, concern in her serious eyes. “Just tell me.”

He pondered for a bit. Sure, he could mess with her like he would usually do. He would say something like of course, you were amazing! But he also knew this was something that shouldn’t be joked about. Especially not with her. He turned off the heat, before meeting her eyes. “No, we did not. I didn’t think it would be comfy to sleep in that fancy dress, which is why I helped you out of it. Also, I slept over there.” His head nodding at the improvised bed on the floor.

He could see the relief washing over her. The girl still held onto the blanket tightly, her eyes looking at the bed on the floor. It made sense for her to BE still in her underwear then... Probably if they did do it, she wouldn’t be wearing anything...

Gabriel walked over to what he would call his living / bedroom, and grabbed a hoodie and a pair of shorts from the wardrobe at the end of his bed. Gabe handed them to Kohane. “You can take a shower if you’d like to, while I finish making breakfast. Just grab a new towel from the cupboard in the bathroom.”

While with one hand covering herself, she took the clothing from Gabe with the other. Was that a slight blush on her cheeks? Hmm… “The bathroom is over there, the door next to the kitchen.”

“… Can you look away?” Yep, that’s definitely a blush. He chuckled to himself. He had already seen most of it last night anyhow… Of course, he wouldn’t mind seeing more… and more often. but he’ll keep that remark to himself for now.

“Sure.” Gabe walked off to the kitchen again, intentionally taking his time to grab some fruit from the fridge. As the fridge door covered most of his sight, he could hear her footsteps behind him and feel her presence walking past. The door to the bathroom opened, the light switch was being flicked on and then the door closed again. And then the door was locked. And soon after, he could hear the water streaming down from the shower.

If she just knew what happened last night… He sighed as he put the banana pancakes on two plates. After cutting and adding some fresh blueberries and banana to the pancakes and drizzling some maple syrup on them, he took them to the coffee table along with some cutlery. He then returned to the kitchen to pour and grab two mugs of hot tea to accompany the meal. Gabe sat down on his “new” bed and scrolled through his social media, waiting for Kohane to join him for breakfast. It only took a few minutes before he could hear the door unlock. He looked at the girl appearing in his hoodie, obviously a bit oversized for her, and his barely visible shorts sticking out underneath it. Her hair was tied up in a knot. No matter what she was wearing though, she somehow seemed to rock it in Gabe’s eyes. There was something undeniably charming about her.

“They are somewhat big.” She stated.

“Can’t help it that I don’t have your clothing here. You can leave some here next time you come over… but I doubt you’d be needing any clothing the next time hehe.” Gabe joked.

And… she was already done with his jokes. Kohane sighed mentally.

“Here, let’s have breakfast. I made banana pancakes.” He gestured her over to join him. “You can sit on the carpet. I do it all the time.”

She sat down opposite of him and eyed the breakfast he made. She didn’t take Gabe for someone that could cook very well, but the meal in front of her looked amazing.

“Hey, I cook for myself. I know how to cook.” He said, reading her mind. “Anyway, let’s eat. Itadakimasu!” He picked up his fork and knife to eat after clapping his hands once. She followed suit, being grateful for the meal.

“Bananas are supposed to be good for hangovers. How do you feel?” the guy asked before he brought a piece of pancake to his mouth.

“… Ah right…” she mumbled as if remembering that she had drunk last night, while cutting the pancake with her cutlery. “I actually feel quite okay. So… what exactly happened last night…?”

Almost finishing the first of his three pancakes, he looked up for a second at her. He finished chewing his bite, then proceeded to tell her about last night while cutting up his second pancake.

“You have probably realised it by now, but someone - or rather someones in plural - had been putting alcohol in your drinks last night. Aniki realised it later that night, after seeing some people sneakily hiding empty bottles of strong liquor under the tables. He warned me and asked me to watch you more closely. By then, you already had quite a lot… so I decided to take you home, before the teachers notice that you had had alcohol. This place was closer to the venue than your home.” Gabe took another bite. He felt her eyes staring at him intently. Her hands were holding the cutlery, but she didn’t move them. “You were already half asleep as you arrived here. I helped you out of your dress and had you drink a gallon of water, before you really passed out. Then I tucked you into bed and went to sleep myself. And then they lived happily ever after. Fin.”

“… I see.” She nodded slowly, processing the information. “… Did I do anything weird…?”

Gabe finished his second pancake. “Well… depends on what you find weird. Hmm…” He thought for a bit, then chuckled. “There maybe was one thing… It’s weirdly cute to see you ask me to help unzipping your dress. That was quite exciting.”

“… Never mind.” She rolled her eyes and started eating her breakfast. It was surprisingly really really good.

Soon, the guy finished his breakfast. Gabriel had always been a quick eater. He took a sip of tea, as he observed the girl eating. It would go unnoticed by others, but it didn’t escape Gabe’s observant nature: there was a shimmer of happiness in her face as she ate the meal he prepared. Gabe made a mental note for himself that Kohane loved pancakes.

“So… now I’ve practically saved your life, you owe me one~” Gabriel chimed happily.

Kohane sighed and continued eating, not even sparing a look at the probably ridiculous grin on Gabe’s face. Let’s just get it over with, she said to herself. “So what do you want this time?”  

“Easy.” Gabe stood up from his seat and walked around the coffee table.

Now, she looked up to meet his eyes. To look at the guy towering over her, as she sat on the carpet. She raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Gabe sat down behind her on the bed, then shoved off the bed to sit directly behind her on the carpet. “… To let me sit and hold you from behind like this while you eat.” He wrapped his arms around her waist.

“…” she couldn’t really refuse his request. It was not nearly as bad for a request. A weird one for sure, but not a bad or hard one. She could feel him against her back. It was somewhat embarrassing and uncomfortable, but after all he had done last night… and these godly pancakes? She couldn’t reject him.

Gabriel could feel her body temperature through his hoodie. At first when he sat down, he sensed her tensing up. Yet, slowly he felt her becoming more comfortable with him. He sat there silently in the comfort of her presence and her warmth. The scent of his own bodywash had mixed with her own scent.

And to be honest? As uncomfortable the close contact was to Kohane, she slowly but surely got accustomed to it, finding it a rather pleasant feeling as well. As she started to notice the change, she blushed slightly, hoping Gabriel wouldn’t notice it from behind.

“… I’m done eating.” the girl whispered after she finished her plate.

He rested his head on her shoulder. “… Can we stay like this for a little longer?” he whispered back. He could feel the rhythm of her breathing. She felt so close and so alive in his arms.

She could feel his somewhat muscular arms embracing her a bit tighter. Her mind was a mess. Her heart skipped a beat. She reached for her cup of tea to take a few sips.

They sat there for quite a while in silence. Gabe lifted his head off her shoulder, guessing time was over. Kohane looked over her shoulder, her emerald eyes looking at his dark brown ones. Her eyes locked him in place.

She was so close. He was so close. Their lips were only three inches away.  They were breathing the same air. Both of their hearts skipped another few beats.

She didn’t move away. Could that mean she was okay with it? She did realise what would come next in such a shoujo manga scene, no? So Gabe decided to test the waters and tried closing the distance slowly. Carefully observing her face, he moved in closer. Her cheeks were a velvet red.

Just before their lips touched, a loud melody rang through the room, startling both of them. Annoyed, Gabriel let go of Kohane and got up from his seat. “Sorry, my phone.”

The guy grabbed his phone from the television cupboard, glancing at the name of the caller. Visibly and audibly agitated, he picked up, stopping the source of the loud noise of his ringtone. “Ya Aniki. Yea. She fine.”

Never had she seen Gabe annoyed with Nick before. He always appears to be quite fond of his cousin. She giggled silently at the odd sight. It felt like she had discovered new sides to Gabriel today.

And just in that moment, Gabe saw a glimpse of Suzuki in Kohane. They indeed were twins after all. It felt like he had discovered Kohane is just a girl like any other after all.

[aleafofinspiration]

Future—

“I’m sorry... I really don’t have any idea about the future. I can’t answer you where I see myself in 10 years. I can’t answer you how I visualise it as it is all black and blurry. Black and blurry like a thickly smudged painting, an uncertainty in the form of a monster... I don’t know about the future, because I don’t even know if I will live long enough to see it. I’m scared... scared for that black monster, for what it is capable of. That is me.”

[aleafofinspiration]

"Hehe~ I won," Gabriel said cheerfully. This victory meant so much to him that he couldn't help himself but to smile brightly from ear to ear.

And this loss meant so much to her as well. How the hell did Kohane, the two-years-in-a-row number one in the national championships in taekwondo, lose from him? In taekwondo? She didn't like it in the slightest. "How?" she growled.

"Hmm? Oh, I hadn't told you. I started taking taekwondo classes three months ago!" Gabriel gestured a peace sign to Kohane, before offering her a hand to get up.

Three freaking months? It took her three years to get where she was, and people already called that unbelievably fast. The girl got up on her own, dismissing Gabriel's helpful hand, and wiped the dust off her school uniform with her hands. "Fine, I lost to you. What do you want?"

Gabriel smiled even more, obviously overjoyed. "I knew you'd be the type to keep your word. That's how I like it."

"You. Me. The Prom that's taking place the day after tomorrow. And I'll be choosing what you'll wear."

She was expecting a simple stupid task to do, right here and now, like "give me a kiss"... not something that's a pain in the ass and would take a while. Kohane sighed. She really didn't like going to these kind of events... In that aspect, she was the opposite of her sister who loved events like these. The girl had already told and decided that she wouldn't be attending, much to the pleasure of... almost the whole school.

However, Kohane was a girl of standards, and she would keep her word no matter what. "You better pick me up at 8 then," she said as she walked past him. Suzuki was probably waiting for her at the gate. "And you better not pick something too embarrassing."

[aleafofinspiration]

A human silhouette.

“Then, what about you?” he asked.

“I will die along with her. Well, die isn’t the right word. I’ll just move on to the next world,” she replied casually as she stood near the hospital window, watching the sun making way for the darkness of the night to come.

She glanced at the guy in the corner of her eyes and noticed how he was switching his supporting leg from his left to his right leg. Back and forth. He was probably struggling with words on what to say.

Silence passed for a few minutes.

Guessing there won’t be much to say and not much reason to stay any longer, she started speaking first. “Well, I guess this is goodb–”

“Do you really not mind to die?” He interrupted her.

Caught off guard a bit by the question, she turned to face him, her back against the veranda. The yellow and warm rays of the sunset castes her silhouette on the floor and hospital bed in front of her. She thought about it for a few seconds.

“I guess I’ll miss this world, I admit. It’s a lot more peaceful here. The short life I had here was far from peaceful, but compared to the others I experienced, it wasn’t too bad. I like the warmth of the sunlight here… the chirping and singing sounds of birds, the weather phenomenon of rain and snow, the sunset and sunrise starting and closing the day respectively… I loved all of it.” She stopped for a second and went to sit down on the bed in a crossed legs position. She smiled while thinking, eventually letting a chuckle escape.

“And I guess it’s quite nice to have some people I can trust once in a few lifetimes. To have some allies.”

The guy chuckled. Obviously she was talking about him as one of the “some people”. He stayed serious on the matter though. “You’re not answering my question.”

She turned away from him and faced the iris flowers on the cupboard next to the bed, which were withering and losing their strength to live on although they have been cared for greatly. With a gesture of the hand and a whisper under her breath, the flowers transformed into striped white with red carnation flowers. The girl smiled to herself as she gulped once.

“… I don’t want to die.”

[aleafofinspiration]

Oh darling.

“I think you’ve developed some strong feelings for me~” - Sure thing “How sweet.” - It’s called hatred.

[aleafofinspiration]

A word of disgust.

Cheating. A word so full of disgust. Never has it had a positive ring to the ears. 

“Erika cheated on her boyfriend with Jonathan”. Damn it, Erika... how could you? Her boyfriend deserves better. When you’re in love with someone, having sealed the couple’s deal with a mutual confession, you’re not supposed to go for another. Her boyfriend should be her one and only; she should have been more loyal to him. Poor boyfriend... And Jonathan? He’s wrong too. He should have never approached Erika in such a way. 

In what way though? What is considered cheating? Just hanging out with another guy, I bet everyone wouldn’t see that as cheating. Although, of course, it might make the guy uncomfortable that his girl is hanging out with a guy other than him. Most would say making out and making love are part of the definition of cheating.

Feelings and emotions are one of the hardest things to control in this world. Even if we were to invent something in the future to control hurricanes, volcanos and tsunamis, emotions are a whole other level of difficulty to deal with. You might disagree. How can it be so hard? Time will mend anything. Though, not everyone can handle them as well as you might do. We learn to accept them and bury them, but we cannot control their existence.

Let’s take a look at Erika’s boyfriend... is he really that innocent? Erika must have had a reason to cheat on him, and no, we’re not defending Erika now. We just have to broaden our look on this topic. What if... Erika’s boyfriend was abusive? What if he wasn’t so loving her and caring about her at all? What if they fought a lot lately? 

Still no reason to cheat, you might say. What if Erika couldn’t control it? What if Jonathan was her old crush? Feelings cannot be controlled, especially female ones. I don’t believe feelings of love disappear that quickly. I believe we can be strong to fight its power, but not its existence. Feelings of love just don’t disappear when you want them to. What if Erika’s boyfriend wasn’t giving her any attention at all and Erika got lonely? What should she have done then? Sit it out... wait it out, even though her boyfriend hasn’t changed when she had brought up this issue she was dealing with before? Looking for comfort when you lack it, is a human - even mammal - thing to do. And we do a lot on the spurt of the moment. The things we regret one second after it happens, and it happens often to all of us. 

Or who knows? Maybe Jonathan was the pushy one here, that made it happen. Pressing one’s lips on another person isn’t particularly hard to do. Maybe Erika didn’t even see it coming.

I believe there are always more stories to one event. We must not forget the other side of the story. We must not judge by a single sentence. We don’t know the context. Don’t judge based on the single word of “cheating”. We should get rid of the disgust residing in the word.

Cheating doesn’t have to be a bad word. Not when you know the whole story.

[aleafofinspiration]

[aleafofinspiration]

10:01 AM

She slowly opened her eyes. Her eyes glanced at the clock near her. It was already 10:00am. Within a few seconds, the memories of the dream disappeared into the sea of memories in the back of her mind. She hid her face in her pillow and sighed deeply, and wrapped herself in her blankets once more.

It has been hard on her recently. She felt lost, not knowing what to do, not knowing what walking forward meant anymore. Which way, which road was going "forward" again?

The girl really didn't want to wake up. Softly did she sob in her pillow. She wanted to go back, back to that dream. It wasn't particularly an euphoric dream, but she remembered being relaxed, carefree, without worries about the future or herself or those eyes of anyone around her... or the demons inside her.

What did it mean to be happy? What did it mean to be excited? What did it mean to be relieved? None of those questions ringed an answer in her mind. She had no idea.

She used to be so happy doing this or doing that. She used to be so excited about what she did and what she was reaching for. None of that mattered at the moment. She didn't feel the joy of drawing, the joy of adventuring in the virtual world, the joy of following stories through reading or watching, the joy of shopping, the joy of embedding herself into making the world a better place, the small joys of seeing an old grandpa sitting in his garden in the early mornings and greeting passengers with a smile and a 'good morning' as warm as the sunshine that shone upon him... She didn't look forward to anything. She didn't particularly look forward to breathing.

Fear, fatigue, depression and insecurity wrapped their arms around the girl. She didn't have a clear reason for their arrival. She was so scared about the future, so tired of life, so insecure about what her existence meant to this world. She didn't sleep well lately.

Actually, she should be happy. Just like her friends who got chosen to do and be someone amazing, taking on an important role to make the world a better place. Just like her friends, she was running for such a position, and just like her friends she got chosen. She was so committed to her work for this society, and she loved doing nothing else, she was so excited to work with them. The girl was so nervous for her election - she wanted to be chosen, finally, after two rejections - but she managed. She did great, honestly.

However, instead of relief and joy, she felt fear creeping under her skin and insecurity filling her heart. Can she do this? Does she really want this? A fear of commitment. That's not all though. The friends she's going with to take on this new world... they are so different than what she first imagined. Or is the present she sees right now, an imagination composed by the demons of fear and insecurity? She didn't expect the selfishness, she didn't expect the pushiness, she didn't expect their boundaries to be pushed - by alcohol - this far, so far over her own boundaries. Does she really fit in this trio? Will this fat plain girl really fit? Or will she feel cast aside the more they will hang out, the less chances she gets to hang out with them? How deep will their inside jokes be?

She has a hard time keeping herself together. The insecurity the future brings is unbearable. She cannot picture herself in the big, big canvas called 'future'. Neither does she really see what she looks like in this painting called 'present'. What does her existence mean? What does her life mean to others? How significant is her life to others? Does it really matter whether I am here or not? Recently, she stepped down another step on the priority latter of an important person in her life. Is she just someone to talk to, when people felt like it?

She couldn't handle herself. She's blaming herself for not being able to get herself together. She's fighting her tears whenever she is sitting in the bus, sitting behind her desk, sitting somewhere out of sight for the world's eyes. All she can do right now is focus on things that matter - although she isn't even, from the bottom of the heart, sure whether it matters. Studying, studying, studying. That's what her whole life is composed of as of now. It makes her miserable, but what's there better or particularly happier to do? At least, her mind and demons won't go on a rampage. And that would make her feel even more horrible, so the decision is easily made on what to do.

He's not adding anything better to her mood and thoughts. What does he mean to her? What does she mean to him? What does this whole relationship mean to both? He doesn't really understand the hardships and there's nothing he can do about them. She fully understands that for the hardships are hard to understand on itself, she barely understands them herself - but the fact that he doesn't understand hits her hard. They are living in such different worlds. When she tries to explain... the more he feels useless, the more he apologizes... the more she feels like a burden, the more she feels like she's pulling him down...

She said she won't be talking much for the coming time, that she's been feeling horrible lately. He asks her why and what happened. But it's not something easy to explain. She's so tired of explaining something that is so hard to voice. She doesn't want to try hard to voice it... so hard that her tears will spill. Because in the end, it's the same story over and over again. He says it will be alright; but she doesn't believe that, what she feels right now, can be solved with such a simple vow.

But when she doesn't explain, he will ask her - in a statement-with-a-question-mark-way - if she got tired of him, bored of him, whether she has no time for him anymore. That's not the case. Why would he ask such a thing? It really doesn't do her any good. It breaks her. She's trying to gather the pieces, but those statements shatter those pieces in even tinier shards. Tinkeling, they fall on the ground again, just like the tears she can't hold in at those times.

She wants to be fully understood, someone to listen to her, someone to embrace her and give her tips, someone to help ease her mind, someone to give her space and time to get herself together. She doesn't want a cute picture of a kitten sleeping on a couch.

She wanted someone to save her from herself.

It’s 10:01AM.

[aleafofinspiration]

An Open Letter to R.

Dear you,

How have you been doing? It’s been a while since we last chatted. When was it even that we last talked? I think it was Christmas. Anyway, I hope you are doing well.

I wonder how much your life has changed since we got to know each other. Do you sometimes look back at it? How your journey in life changed ever since? How many crossroads and turns you had to take before you ended up on this path? How many people you got to say hello to and how many people you had to say goodbye to? How you and I coincidentally bumped into each other 3 times that first day?

Because I do. I sometimes look back upon the time we crossed paths and walked alongside each other for some time. It wasn’t for long, but it was still a very pleasant walk. I usually don’t remember my times with people much. I guess you were different, because you left me things that are still alive and breathing right now. Things that are always by my side. Music.

We shared lots of songs we liked, shared playlists that helped each other through the hard times, shared our thoughts upon songs, discussed the meaning behind the lyrics. And those songs are still in my life. You left me something dangerous. Music is a carrier of memories. You left me strings that attached me to the memories with you.

I didn’t want to have any strings attached with you, with anyone. I wanted to stay anonymous, someone people can forget easily, someone people can’t track down, someone people wouldn’t be able to go back to. I was scared. I’m someone that can disappear any moment, so I can imagine it can be frightening to lose track of someone in the ocean of the internet. I know that all too well, but more than that I didn’t want people to be in my real life, stalking me, tracking me, watching me. All the information about me should be left behind closen doors, so no one will know who and how I really am. I didn’t people want to see me, someone who can’t even look herself in the eyes. I didn’t want people to get close to me, see the demons I hide, get to know me.

You were already way too close to me, and sometimes I wonder whether it really was that much of a good idea to give you permission to let you come close either. If I hadn’t, would I have so much strings attached to you? Would I be living with these uneasy feelings?

I never really could be honest with you. I apologize. A lot of things I had in mind were kept hidden, kept unsaid. For your sake, for others’s sake.

You asked me if it was possible for us to become a couple, ever. I answered it wasn’t possible. I answered that that was my honest answer when you asked for confirmation. However, in all honesty, I believe it could have been possible. You indeed weren’t much of my ideal person, especially with your typical bad habit of nosiness that bothered me a lot. It collided completely with my fear of people getting too close to me emotionally, but if we had put some efforts in it… if I were to fight my fear a little and if you were to fight your bad habit a bit… It would require quite some efforts but I think it would have been possible. I didn’t have as much feelings for you as you had for me, but there were some.

I couldn’t possibly say it. My friends were getting angry and criticizing me for not turning you down, criticizing you for being flirty with me even though you had a girlfriend by the second time we met again. I felt sorry for your girlfriend too. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I wouldn’t be able to provide you as much as she did anyway. I’m not any girlfriend material.

You were depressed and devistated that I disappeared suddenly. You noticed I wasn’t exactly alright emotionally or physically before my disappearance… even though I never really said it. I said I’d be fine but needed some time alone to sort out things. Though, it wasn’t actually so sudden at all. I’ve been suffering from depression since before I met you, and I just hit a really low pit after meeting you for some time. It wasn’t your fault at all. I’m sorry if that’s what you were thinking.

I’m not sure whether you’re doing well with your girlfriend at the moment. I know you had some struggles the last time we talked. I hope you and her are doing well. Skype has told me that you’ve deleted me from your contacts. I know your girlfriend was never really happy with me, she was insecure for I was the one you had a major crush on, most likely scared that I’ll be taking you and your love away from her. I can totally understand that. I can’t say it for certain, but my guess is that you’ve decided to delete me out of your life for her sake, so that you won’t be able to turn your head and look back, maybe even walk back.

For the same reason did I not answer like I usually did with you since I officially turned you down that time we were sitting at the lake, listening to the peaceful Ludovico Einaudi playing I Giorni through our headphones. For the same reason have I not contacted you ever since christmas. I do miss you and your company a lot. You were one very lovely friend, whom I could tease and flirt with - never have I thought you’d take it serious though.

However, I do realize it’s probably for the best if I didn’t approach you anymore too. It’s an urge I will have to fight, to not mail you that I actually miss our times and that I want to be friends and talking like we used to, to ask you how you are doing out of concern since you said you weren’t doing well last time. Nevertheless, I don’t want you to look back. I want to you to keep moving on and holding hands with your girlfriend, with these feelings you have for her right now. Never in my life will I be able to support you like she does. I don’t know her, but I’m very sure of it. I don’t want her to be insecure. I know she has been for long enough, wondering if this girl who was her boyfriend’s major crush that he fell for twice would come back. I won’t, dear, don’t be scared.

We’re just passengers in each other’s life like you told me, and now walking on different roads. Maybe, indeed as you said at the lake, we’re together in a parallel world.

You brought a lot of joy on my path even if it was a short road we walked together. I want to thank you a lot for being there, for having met you, for noticing me, for saying hi and for those flowers you gave me to cheer me up that very first day we met. I’m glad to have met you, darling.

Goodbye.

[aleafofinspiration]

Am I allowed to forget?

The dream I had last time is haunting me. The bashful smile. The brown scarf. Him basically. How is it possible? I have never met this person and he does not resemble anyone I know of have seen consciously in the real life. The warm feeling of love... of comfort.

As if this is a movie or a story in a book... is my subconscious self telling me something? As if I am getting remembered about something I never should ever forget. As if I’m getting dreams and flashbacks of things that happened before. Before I got brainwashed or before my memory got erased? Or maybe it’s a small insight on the me of a parallel universe? Or is it a possible future based on the choices I make on life right now? I do not know. This all - of course - sounds stupid and like some fairy tale, made-up story. It looks like I’ve been watching too many movies and reading too many fantasy books. But this is what I feel. It’s a very strange and surreal feeling.

My gut feeling is telling me I cannot forget this dream. Slowly, the dream is getting blurry in my memory. It’s fading. I’m anxious. Anxious to forget this dream, although I do not have a good reason why. It’s making me feel breathless, gasping for air. I cannot let this dream go. I need to remember it.

Am I not allowed to forget it?

[aleafofinspiration]

“Almost”

I had a dream last night. An intense and weird dream. I do not remember much, but I remember it more vividly than all the other dreams I have ever had. Do you know those stories online and those being told on television about people who have been traumatized? Those dreams that pop up every time they close their eyes? It's exactly one of those dreams. A surreal dream, which yet felt so real. I was dating him for a few years. I loved him so so dearly. We've been in love for quite a while. Our love was gentle, supportive, comforting and peaceful to the mind. There were no doubts or worries about our mutual love. I could imagine marrying him, growing old with him and happily walking down this life road holding hands and smiling. The sweet mclovin'. We'd never break up, never leave each other. But he wasn't there anymore. He was gone. I can't remember. Either gone from this world or gone from my sight. Without any occasion. Disappeared without a trace. He wouldn't leave me. We couldn't have broken up. I loved him too much. Every time I would walk into this certain store... I saw him standing there in the store, in a certain corner. My heart pounded hard. It got filled with warmth, with intense happiness, with a feeling of relief that you were back. He'd smile at me, sheepishly and bashfully like he always did. I'd run up to him. He'd spread his arms, ready to hug me with that gentle "I'm back"-smile. I can imagine his warmth, his breathing in my neck, the words "I'm back" or "I'm glad to be back" in his calming voice as we embrace each other in a tight hug. A hug of relief and of "I'm never letting you go". Then, just as I reach him and ready to tackle hug him - that very moment... He'd disappear into thin air, like it was just my imagination, just a hallucination I created with my mind... Disappearing like some dust of mist you see in movies. He wasn't there. I couldn't hear my heartbeat, or anything else around me. I was terrified as reality hit me in the stomach as I stood there with a pale face. Dumbfounded with tears silently running down my cheeks. Wanting to scream, but not being able to. I wasn't hugging anything. He really wasn't here. He's not back. I woke up in my dream and immediately went back to dreaming. It repeats the exact same event. He was standing there again. I was feelings an intense happiness again. It was a hallucination again. Tears found their way down my pale face again. Every time I would dream in my dream, I'd see the same thing. The same sheepish and bashful smile. He was wearing the same black trench coat with the same beige to brown warm scarf. His neat and perfect black Asian hair, almost as if he's an anime character or a character in a korean drama. His slightly overbent elbows as he stretches his arms to hug me. The little shiny, not all that obvious earring he had in his left ear. I never learnt from the previous dream. You’d think, a fox is not caught twice in the same snare... However, I'd always see and go through the same thing. I didn't forget my past dreams with the same happening. I simply didn't recall it at the moment it happened; my mind did not remind me with "oh, but he will disappear anyway. It was just a hallucination last time." No. I went through the same emotional torture for 6 times in this long dream. My lover for a few years being there and yet not there. Almost had me. Almost had him. Almost back to me. Almost reunited. Almost together again. Almost touched. Almost able to talk with him again. Almost able to communicate with him again. Almost feeling him again. Almost being happily in love again. Trapped with a hallucination and the same cycle of emotions every dream and never getting out of it. A continuous cycle of emotional torture until I finally woke up for real. I woke up in tears and confused. Who was that person?

[aleafofinspiration]

Illogical humans.

Red blood was all over the ground. And it wasn't even hers. Suzuki's blood. She has to treasure it. Don't spill too much…  

And yet the blood did belong to her. Inhuman blood. The inhuman amounts of blood. The inhuman ability to reproduce blood as quickly as it drained out of her body.

Was she still inhuman? She was on the verge of dying. Too many blades, arrows and bullets were piercing her. Her consciousness was starting to fade; death was so close to her. Inhuman didn't guarantee immortality. Death reached a hand out to her.

"You're not allowed to give up." … she opened her eyes and grit her teeth. That bastard. She slapped Death's hand away.The blood gushed out of her body as she was getting up. A pain as if she was going to get ripped apart; her muscles tearing the wounds of the weapons even further apart.

Right, she wasn't allowed to give up. Not now, not ever. That's what he said. Without reason and without logic. But she still obeyed. Without reason and without logic.

[aleafofinspiration]

Breaking whisper.

This is it, she thought. After years of struggling, she had finally found the place. Actually, that’s not right. She knew it was here all along, but it wasn’t just a matter of knowing the place its location. This is where everything will end. This is where she will find peace; but before she can achieve peace, she’ll have to start a war.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. Yes, this is it. Even though she was pretty confident, her heart rate accelerated. Stay calm stay calm, she commanded herself. She pushed the heavy door open.

It was no joke; she knew that. It wasn’t just a game; it wasn’t something she could slack off upon. They must have known about her arrival. They were prepared. There were a lot more people than she originally had in mind, even though she took quite a margin in her calculations.

Her focus was on 2000%. She cannot lose this fight. Losing was not an option.

The girl reached the limit of human speed, swinging her blade with her right arm and jumping and running all over the place. Even though she was fighting as brutally as she was, her moves were elegant, dodging the enemies’ attacks as well as she could. “Bang” did the gun in her left hand go. It was a combination of gunnery and sword skills. Everything seemed to go pretty well, as she thought herself. However, even for her, an inhuman creature, her stamina started to drain. Focus, focus.

But she can do it. She has been in tougher fights, unexpected fights, longer fights, unprepared fights. And her life would depend on this one. Of course, her previous fights had her life on the line, but this was different.

She had already annihilated half of the people. The gunners were too slow to harm her; the mages were too predictable for her; but the swordsmen and fighters were the pain in the ass. But she can do it.

“…”

… Something felt strange. Very strange. It was someone’s aura in the room. A very vague and weak aura. She carefully scanned the room once more… There were more people around? How come? She scanned the room before she entered… and she surely would have noticed if people came in.

That was her mistake. She looked one of the persons in the eyes. The one with the strange aura. The one who was here all along, but hasn’t done anything so far in this tiring battle. The tall one in a robe. The one with electrifying blue eyes. Eyes she were familiar with. The surprise broke her focus, and the enemy managed to deal a blow on her, making her fly against the wall.

“… Impossible.” she muttered as she laid down on the ground, suffering the impact of the heavy blow. 13 guns, 9 swords and 14 staves were pointed at her. She looked up slowly, to look at those glistering sapphire eyes again at the other side of the room. She pushed herself from the ground, trying to get up with efforts. They didn’t attack her… She took advantage of the moment.

She shot one bullet through the crowd of enemies and dashed after the bullet. Her speed exceeded the human’s limits. Acting tired and weakened… She was great at misleading the enemy. It is how she won several battles. Physical battles, psychological battles. The hood fell off as the bullet grazed through it; its trajectory path just above the head, through the person’s black hair and snatching the hood with it as it passed.

She knew that face, and she stood right in front of it.

The crowd was prepared for attacking, but the person raised his hand. A stop sign.

Her face went pale; her lips trembled; her hands were shaking.

“… Kohane,” the stranger whispered, only for her to hear. Her breath got stuck in her throat. Her eyes widened and the weapons slipped through her fingers.