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xxgothchatonxx · 3 years ago

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OKAY NEW MID SEASON, LET’S GO!!! (Apologies for absolutely attacking you today. I don’t know what took over me, but I felt safe in your ask box today)

The Great Red Dragon:

* SEXY. CELL. SEXY. CELL. SEXY. CELL! You aren’t Hannibal Lecter!!! You’re just Some Guy. Who has a really cute scar. Never mind. He will be our main baddie. That’s our dragon, babes.

* And he does yoga in his little A-frame. Go off, dancer. Get in position!

* Not gonna lie, if he wasn’t holding his hand on his back, I would be so relaxed in that position. I love me a good stretch.

* I fucking love this score. We have percussion, we have little clicks. We have some fucking nail now? We’re industrial. We have a tattoo. And some teeth. Not as sharp as I would assume.

* Oh, this is some good shit. This is a fucking thespian. We got some method acting bullshit right here.

* I don’t like the score anymore. I got really loud at the end.

* Damn, all of that before we’ve even hit the credits. That’s how you open!

* John Mulaney voice: “I was a French maid for a period of time. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs. (Please tell me you understand that reference!)

* Altar boy needs some Chapstick

* Hannibal got a haircut! Is this after you’ve escaped from your sexy glass cell?

* We have our sexy glass cell, people! This man is so fucking pretentious, I love him.

* Oh that’s right, we have a time jump.

* Everyone’s fav: Bâtard-Montrachet & tartuffi bianchi!!

* AND ALANAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

* Alana Bloom is a wine bitch now. I have WON.

* “Who.”

* I see that Hannibal has entered the maladaptive daydreaming section of neurodivergency (that can’t be how do you spell it. That looks fake. But it’s also almost 2 AM. Sue me.)

* “A baker’s dozen. Lest we forget Mason Verger –– you’re welcome.” Bastard. BASTARD! THANK YOU, ALANA!!!!!

* That has got to be his worst sketch to date. I am so sorry, Alana.

* She’s so hot. Fuck. And then she sits back down and crosses her leg. She wants me dead!

* It’s OK, baby. Take your time. No need for a self infliction, take your time.

* NOPE NOPE NOPE NO YOWLING PLEASE I DO NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!

* Is this another one of Hannibal‘s monsters that he let go? First that boy that became a wolf. And now there’s a dragon man dripping in black goop.

* Just a little bit of a bloody chocolate.

* WITH FREDICK, YEAH! And the bastard is back to grinning.

* I have to agree with Fredick here. “Colons lose their novelty went overused.”

* And I take it we have a new murderer with adoring fans. “The Tooth Fairy.“ Cute. Ego begets Transformation or some such. Hannibal isn’t happy with his spotlight fading.

* The Tooth Fairy: The Everyman’s American Murderer BITCH LET ME WRITE YOUR SNAPPY BOOK TITLES!!!

* Alana has a fun new gig. Good for her.

* And he is still writing! At least it keeps him busy?

* I question whether or not I agree with Fredericks line. “Everything he writes is always about a problem he does not have.” This is always been something very difficult for me too talk about. Which is why I always like to do the old “write what you know,” because it’s simply easier to put something together off of your own experience. Hannibal however, is so knowledgeable on psychiatry and on the local psycho that lives next-door, so it makes sense for him to be able to constantly have pieces flowing for other people to inspect and the door. But! I feel like it is always better to go to the source.

* Do we have hallucinations?

* How cute, they are saving their own little scraps. Each for ego, no doubt. One for inspiration, one for grand transformation.

* And it seems like he is a fan of our man. Isn’t that nice?

* Oh shit. He’s writing the letter. Do not cut to commercial, you bastards! DAMN IT!

* AHHHHH THE DOGGIES!!!! & Mr. Chocolate Lab himself, Will Graham!

* AND JAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK YESSSSSSSS! I know that it’s never good news, but I just love seeing them together!

* We have a treehouse. And a Molly & Walter.

* And Will never really quit his day job at the FBI, it seems.

* Don’t lie to Molly, Lawrence Fishburne. If you fuck Will up again, we will all come for you. Make no mistake about that!

* I got to admit, I do love the little cottage. It’s adorable. Not so little, but very cute.

* Please tell me it’s a letter? YEEEEEEEEESSS LETS GOOOOOOOO (I mainly excited because I know that this will lead to a Bedelia and Will therapy session. But I also Love that Hannibal is still doing this lovely little hand written letter to his ex.)

* “It’s dark on the other side. And madness is waiting.” UGH I LOOOOOOOOVE THAT!!

* Buffalo? How the hell were they able to triangulate that??

* WHO LEAVES A BABYBEL HALF EATEN??

* Yucky bloody bare feet.

* What are those little shards? Those thin straight lines? It’s really from the shots? We’re getting artistic with our deaths the season.

* And I love how this man just absolutely hates being perceived.

* Oh shit, it’s string! I told you it was weird!

* William, do you want to take some deep breath‘s or do you just wanna leave this place forever? Whatever works for you, babe.

* Holy fuck. We are back at the beginning. With my least favorite noise in the world. Or at least, in the show. Damn pendulum.

* Will seems more scared now. I don’t mean to say that like he’s out of practice, because that is partially it, but when you tried for so long and for so hard to stay away from this past. It’s just so sad. What do you do when you are so good at something that you know is destroying you?

* Are the mirrors his tea cup?

* We have wings! We have red, sharp, wings.

* The forensic scientist! He looks more like an English professor now.

* & Freddie Lounds! Now doubt with her shitty blowout. That’s certainly going to be disappointing.

* And this guy is there too! Absolutely terrible that I don’t know their names, they’re funny, I just don’t care about them.

* I do love the forensic science bits. Always fun for everyone involved.

* Will is back with the gang!

* I mean, we all know he steals teeth so then he can’t be found that way. It’s very fun!

* Remind me to turn the volume down whenever the red dragon is on screen so then I don’t get a headache. Hate this score.

* Why does keep looking at me?

* Holy shit. IS HE MUTE??? He looked over at the dentures and saw them vibrating from whatever. Which would also explain the shushing. I’m going to assume that he has a hearing impediment.

* I like this suspended in space file-of-the-family kind of thing.

* Laurence Fishburne: try your best, buddy. Maybe if you do then you can go back to your simple little life. And leave this one that I have dragged you into. For the third time.

* Holy fuck. We just got a fade to black into a reunion with the ex-boyfriends. There has never been anything more queer-coded than that.

Calling Francis Dolarhyde (I think that name is a spoiler for you... sorry 😂) a "method actor" might be the best thing I have ever heard with regards to this character 😂 (please note for people who are reading this - Nat and I know that Richard Armitage isn't a method actor/wasn't method acting, tis just a joke) But unlike NBC Joker, Francis is an infinitely more sympathetic villain. Still disturbing as hell because, well, it's Hannibal, but you know.

Now we have come to one of my favourite personas of Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal Lecter - the quantifiably bitchy incarcerated Hannibal the Cannibal. Good god, we get some high quality sass from this lad, I promise you that.

And yes, Alana as a wine-drinking girlboss is everything

From a storytelling standpoint, I love that we've kind of gone back to the start with Jack bringing Will in and fucking up his stability. But what I love about this version of the Red Dragon story (cos this is the third time it's been adapted) is that the show seems to be more blatantly side-eying Jack for doing this to Will. They even call him (and Alana) out on it, which I love.

Also I do love that the show finishes with the Red Dragon story, cos this was the first book Thomas Harris wrote in the Hannibal series... I'm still pissed off it got cancelled after this season but oh well 😂

But yes, MURDER HUSBAND REUNION NEXT!!!

#myst is me #hannibal #Myst and Nat presents Hanni & Friends

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meetmeatthecoda · 4 years ago

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I wanna just thank you for being here for everyone to vent to for the last week or so. I feel like such an idiot for even believing we might have got a satisfying ending, but knowing everyone else feels just as betrayed and hurt as me helps 😭 I still feel like I’m in a state of shock to be honest - like you said as bad as I thought it could be, that was worse 😩 I love and appreciate your fics and can’t wait for a fix it one (when you feel like you’re ready). Love a fellow crushed Lizzington shipper x

PS: as depressing as it is, I’ve been finding solace in listening to my Lizzington playlist and I was wondering if you had any songs you’d recommend me adding to it? Ones that particularly remind you of them (possibly from a happier time in S1-3?)

Oh, sweet anon 😭 You are too kind!! It has truly been my pleasure to be a part of this fandom - always, but especially in these last few weeks... We have always been such a passionate bunch & that has only intensified since things came to a head. It has been a pleasure to answer asks & make posts & write fics... I'm just so happy you all enjoy my stupid content 🥲 And please don't feel bad!! We were all hoping for something akin to a happy ending... I think it was a cruel combination of expectations for Megan's last ep, baseless baiting from the promo, & a misplaced hope that TPTB would be capable of writing something decent to wrap up this "arc" & not... a fucking undeserved Shakespearean tragedy. Rest assured, it is NOT our fault, anon ❤️ But I know what you mean, it helps to mourn with this group of lovely people & not feel alienated in our grief, that is definitely true!! 🥺 I'm still in a state of shock too... I think my brain is oscillating between mourning everything & completely rejecting what we saw. It makes it hard to process things & even harder to remember that the show is so unceremoniously over for us. It sucks 😭

And ahhh, you are so sweet, anon, I'm so honored you like my fics & you're looking forward to my fix-it stuff!! I have some ideas that I think have potential but I've also been tentative... I'm trying to let my emotions settle, but not lose the intensity we're still reeling from, bc that will be a big part of the first fic, I think. I'm looking to start asap & I hope you'll like it when it's done, which will hopefully be soon ❤️

And omg, no shade in finding solace in Lizzington music!! I've been doing much the same 🥺 My music taste is super subjective & varied - I think my "Lizzington songs" tend to include whatever I'm listening to whenever I'm thinking of them which is always & not necessarily songs that are inherently Lizzington in nature, & they're probably all pretty angsty, but I will give you some suggestions nonetheless!! ❤️ (I'll put them below a cut bc it turned into a lot of links lol whoops 😅) Anyway, I want to thank you so much for this ask, anon, you are truly so sweet. I'm so thankful to hear from a fellow crushed Lizzington shipper 🥲 Thank you again, hang in there & much, much love to you, my friend!! ❤️

For seasons 1-3 recs: (& these come mostly from popular/my fav Lizzington fanvids at the time... I will link those where I can, they are 1000% worth watching):

Til Enda by Olafur Arnolds (fanvid)

So Close by Olafur Arnolds (fanvid)

Sad Girl by Lana Del Rey (fanvid)

Be Together by Major Lazer (fanvid)

Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Ray (fanvid)

Hypnotic by Zella Day (fanvid)

#icanteven by The Neighbourhood (fanvid)

Clarity by Zedd (fanvid)

White Blank Page by Mumford & Sons (fanvid)

Earned It by The Weeknd (fanvid)

Crazy in Love cover by Kadebostany (fanvid)

Bloodsport by Raleigh Ritchie (fanvid)

Beautiful Days by Venus (fanvid)

No Trace by Ms Mr (fanvid)

Hurricane by Ms Mr

I Found by Amber Run

Take Me To Church by Hozier

More recently, these are my go-to Lizzington songs: (for no reason other than an anon recommended Starset & I had Lizzington on the brain while listening for the first time 🥲 The acoustic versions are also lovely! I based fics off the others.)

Die For You by Starset

Starlight by Starset

Satellite by Starset

Ricochet by Starset

Side by Pentatonix

Crave You (Adventure Club Remix) by Flight Facilities

Crave You by Flight Facilities

Carve You by Robinson

stardew by Purity Ring

almanac by Purity Ring

On Board by Joshua Burnside & Alana Henderson

That's all I can think of at the moment, anon!! I hope you like some of these!! Much love!! ❤️

#The Blacklist #Lizzington #thoughts #headcanons #songs #8.22 #mine #ask #anon #what a sweet ask anon #thank you so much for complimenting me and commiserating with me #i hope you like these song suggestions and the bonus fanvids #much much love to you my friend #<3

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a-secondhand-sorrow · 5 years ago

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Dear Evan Hansen Gift Exchange!

This is my gift for the @sincerely-us DEH Gift Exchange for @thatfriendlyanon! Hey @thatfriendlyanon, hope you enjoy :D This is a bit of an amalgam of prompts that you offered but it’s mostly centered on Evan and Zoe a year later. Just for ease of timing/pop culture references it’s set in 2019/2020. Happy 2020! (here’s an ao3 link if you prefer)

Her first night back home, Zoe slips out the back door and just sits on the porch. It’s cold outside, like it always is in December, and it seeps through the old dollar store flip-flops she’d shoved her feet into on the way out the door. She shivers as a chilly gust of air bites through her purple and white sweatpants and old, graduating-class t-shirt. She’s like a collage of new and old school spirit, and some part of her hates it while the rest of her loves it. Sinking into one of the wicker chairs, she takes a breath for what feels like the first time since she stepped off the train in town, letting the hum of the cicadas drown out her other thoughts. She’s almost forgotten the different noise in the suburbs, the noises she was so used to in her first eighteen years of life. It feels disarming to be back in those noises after so long away.

Finally, once she’s sat in the feeling of the cold outdoors, her eyes drift up towards the sky. A smile picks at her lips, drawn by the faint points of light in the sky. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registers names of a few, although had she tried to remember them consciously, she’s sure she wouldn’t be able to say them.

(Maybe it’s two memories, ripe with different kinds of nostalgia, that stop her from truly remembering. Maybe it’s the memory of two different hands in hers under the night sky. The memory of childhood, of wild giggles spilling from her lips, of another protective little hand in hers and speaking in what they thought were whispers but were more like normal volumes, sharing those names with her for the first time. And later, a later memory, of grass underneath her and a once-still hand in hers and warm lips pressed just right of her ear whispering the names he knew and asking her the ones he didn’t.)

She...likes school. She really does. It‘s felt like a fresh start in so many ways, with new people and new scenery and an easier way to breathe. Fewer shadows to haunt her from the corners of her eyes, drowned out by the constant lights of the city.

She just wishes she could see the stars there, that’s all.

Not that the stars at home are bright, exactly. They’re still dulled and hard to see, but they’re a world away from how they look at school. They are visible even if they’re not the strongest.

So Zoe smiles and looks at them, ignoring the lights that spill out from inside the house and the two figures they reveal inside.

After some time, she stands quietly, moving through the air as though it is nothing more than smoke and revelling in how silent she can be just before opening the door to the indoors.

“Everything alright?

Zoe’s head snaps up, locking onto where Larry is seated just beyond the kitchen and into the living room. She shakes her head at her own jumpiness, freeing her feet from the flip-flops. “Yeah, just catching some fresh air.”

Already, that almost-suffocating feeling is back. She can breath, but the air doesn’t seem to quite reach her lungs.

“Yeah, I just wanted some fresh air.” Her eyes scan the rooms. “Where’s mom?”

Larry’s lip quirks at the corner, but it doesn’t really seem happy. “She wanted to stay up to talk with you, but she was pretty tired so she turned in early.”

“Oh,” Zoe says, and for some reason it makes her feel kind of small. She crosses the house, letting her feet acclimate to the warmer temperature through her socks. She studies her father; he has dark circles of his own, and his hand seems to shake slightly where it holds the day’s newspaper. “I’m probably just gonna go to bed anyway, unless you…?”

“No, that’s fine, sweetheart,” he says, and for some reason Zoe’s heart feels heavy. Larry hasn’t called her sweetheart for a long time, and something in the word makes her feel like a little kid again. “I’m sure you’re tired.”

She nods and grabs her phone off of the small coffee table, turning towards the stairs. The light is already off upstairs, she can tell. “Well, ‘night.”

A sound that’s suspiciously like a yawn, and then a “‘night” back.

On the second step, her father’s voice stops her. “Zoe? We’re really glad you’re home.”

She ducks her head back down, forces a smile in his direction, and then continues to her room without looking up from her feet.

Evan’s still working at Pottery Barn.

He told himself, time and time again after senior year, that he’d be out of Pottery Barn in a year. Off to college full-time, maybe commuting or maybe even living on campus. But it’s six months past that year-long deadline, and here he is, on the first night of Hanukkah only just finishing the common app for next fall. Or trying to, rather, around his Pottery Barn shifts and his general fear of opening up to other people.

On one of his shifts, he scrolls through Instagram during a quiet spell, having accepted the fact that his application would not be worked on during work hours long ago. Just his average feed, a few former high school classmates posting holiday pictures (Alana Beck, unsurprisingly, has color-coordinated with her dads, sister, and grandma effortlessly for Christmas photos) and some of those Central Park nature shoots the pretentious photographers he follows are always posting. He’s about to click onto his Explore page when a recommended account catches his eye. His heart sinks as he recognizes the profile picture and the name, simply titled “zo + ev” in place of full names. And there she is, Zoe Murphy, smiling so wide that some of her freckles disappear behind the others and her eyes are smaller than usual. Another girl sits just behind her, her lips angled so her face comes across as more “funny” than “happy,” but that’s on purpose, he thinks. Before he can convince himself not to, he clicks into their account, and it’s revealed that the other girl in the picture must be ‘Ev,’ or Eva, if her main account’s handle is trustworthy. His pulse slowing slightly, his eyes skim their profile.

@stargirlzo_m and @evamillthegreat_ / NYU ‘23 / covers + general goofery / dm to req a song!

From a glance, it appears that they’re roommates. Not that he’s like, actively trying to figure that out, no, it’s just that all of the videos seem to be filmed in the same place, and the previews of the comments have a couple messages like “that’s our fav down the hall neighbors!” and such. Evan’s not even surprised to see that they have a couple hundred followers, since when one of their videos begins to auto play, they definitely sound really good. Zoe’s playing guitar, and something in the familiar curve of her fingers on the strings almost makes him turn his phone off and shove it away to get rid of the deep swell of emotion he feels just seeing her like that.

After...everything, he never really saw her play guitar again. While they were together, it was almost constant, because their coexistence was almost constant. But he couldn’t bring himself to go to the jazz band concerts for the rest of his senior year, and he certainly wasn’t hanging around her house while she figured out a new tune. Hearing her play is bittersweet and nostalgic and he feels...off. But he listens anyway.

Her roommate has a really great voice, and it’s clear that in their few months of knowing each other they’ve played together a lot. He keeps scrolling. Eva, or Ev, has a few videos up of her singing a cappella, or with a background, some kind of...TikTok riff challenge, maybe? Zoe, too, has a few where she strums some jazzy numbers by herself, that familiar old smile on her face in a whole new light. But then he finds one of her alone in a denim jacket and a flower-patterned dress, and she opens her mouth and begins to sing, and Evan swears he could cry. She always claimed she couldn’t sing, but of course he disagreed. He still does, and as she softly sings Dodie Clark and her fingers pluck at the strings in some complicated pattern, he could never disagree more. He hurriedly keeps scrolling, since if he were to continue listening he’s not sure if he’d be able to make it through his shift without crying.

She and her roommate are playing Crush by Tessa Violet, then, and it’s a little easier to hear.

A customer comes into his line of sight and he quickly shoves the phone under the counter before he can hear Zoe come in to harmonize in the background.

Sometime after Cynthia accepted the fact that Zoe wasn’t going to share every detail of her college life with her, she set her the task of going through her closet and cleaning up. She’d already done it before leaving in the fall, but Zoe agrees, mostly just to have something to do rather than thinking about the bedroom across from hers. She still hasn’t really breathed properly, but it’s a little easier when she’s alone.

When her trash garbage bag is already partially filled with old tops from high school, old Harry Potter and Brie Larson posters, and some guitar sheet music she doesn’t remember buying, she catches sight of an old plastic storage bin. Her hand brushes the unmistakable feel of dusty plastic, and her fingers search for purchase so she can drag the container out. It’s heavier than it looks, and the most she can do is drag it out. She falls back onto her heels as she does, eventually crossing her legs criss-cross under her. She pushes her hair away from her face and lets her eyes roam over the container. It looks like it’s filled with paper, and as she opens the lid there’s an overwhelming scent of school glue and cheap acrylic paint. There are old star stickers coming off everywhere.

“Oh, boy,” she mutters under her breath.

She considers just chucking it into the trash for a moment, but thinks the better of it. Tentatively, she plunges one hand into the pile of papers and promptly sneezes. Fucking dust allergies.

A few old math tests from elementary school are in the top pile, for some reason. She wastes no time in setting those into the garbage bag. She’ll sort the recycling out later, but for now she just wants to get the dust into one area. There’s an old, dried-up glue stick under the old tests and a couple of purple and blue markers with no caps. The faded yellow folder beneath them has clearly suffered for it, with big splotches of color on the thin paper. After tossing the markers in her normal trash, she picks the folder up. Immediately upon opening it, she’s hit by an image of herself as a little kid, her hand scribbling some crayon against printer paper with Connor at her side scribbling on the same paper. She lets out a sharp hiss of breath for nothing in particular. It turns out the folder is just full of old drawings, nothing special. Crayon stars on superhero capes, just about her and Connor’s combined interests. Seeing them on the same page feels like less of a gut punch after remembering them drawing together, but it still hurts all the same.

She knows her mom would want to keep the drawings, but she dumps them into the garbage bag before she can think to do otherwise.

The construction paper is surprisingly rough under her fingertips, but she smiles at the glue galaxies she’d created on the page, the letters of each star’s name written painstakingly next to them. She wonders where her good handwriting went and sets the page aside, figuring a little nostalgia won’t hurt.

There are several pages that just seem to be covered in glitter and star stickers, which immediately find themselves in the unforgiving cell that is her garbage bag. Some old book reports reach the same fate, as does a small journal that seems to be dedicated entirely to her writing with her left hand. If some of the handwriting looks like Connor’s, she chooses to ignore it.

“It’s weird,” Zoe says. “Who else writes with their left hand?”

Connor sniffs, looking indignant as he holds his pencil aloft in his hand. It’s held so gently and delicately in his artist’s hand, all long and thin fingers. “I think it’s cool. Right hand writing isn’t special.”

“And you smudge everything you write,” Zoe mutters under her breath. That didn’t stop her from trying to write like him, though. If he saw her, he ignored it.

It’s better to be rid of it, anyway.

The next item appears to be crudely bound by some old thread. It’s several sheets of printer paper bound together, and with a sinking heart Zoe sees the same crayon stars and superhero capes on the page. Monsieur Lumière. One of Connor’s pretentious French phases as a child, probably, fueled by the old English-French dictionary he found in his room.

She’d completely forgotten about the fake superhero they’d created, probably while huddled under one of their beds as their parents fought. A man to take away all their fear and sadness, who would bring the light of the stars wherever he was. Just a silly invention they’d dreamt up. A lot of good it did them.

This hurts more, this creation of their shared crayons on one page. There were probably hours spent on this, and she can’t even bring herself to open it and read a page.

She drops it suddenly as though the very touch of the paper to her fingers scalds her. She pushes it across the floor, away from her. She may leave it on some counter for her mother to find, rather than bringing herself to throw it away. She wants to get rid of it, but she can’t bring herself to pick it up again, not yet.

It’s only as she picks up the next glitter-coated paper that she realizes it gave her a paper cut.

“-right here—oh, isn’t this lovely?” Heidi says, her head turning back in Evan’s direction. She drops down onto the blanket she’s just finished spreading over the grass, crossing her legs under her.

Evan smiles. “It is, yeah, definitely.”

And maybe he’s just a little surprised by how much he means it. Because this is the first year in a very long time, too long a time, where January 6th has felt like something other than a slightly sadder mirror of every other day. When he woke up today, he didn’t feel that same hollow dissatisfaction on this birthday. He felt...excited.

It’s a nice feeling. Unusual, but nice.

He’d probably be excited even if he hadn’t woken up like that, however. Heidi had insisted she take the day off, and she herself was so excited to be off and to be with him that he couldn’t help but pick up on it. His mother was always like that - if she was excited, he was excited.

And she was definitely excited, given the honest-to-God picnic basket she’d packed for them and the new watch she’d given Evan just that morning “so he’d know when to look away from his inbox” (to which he’d feebly protested that it’s never too early to keep an eye out for forward movement, which she’d dismissed with a kiss on the cheek). As Evan carefully chooses a spot on the blanket where he is protected from the sun by the shade the tree branches above them throw, Heidi gets set unpacking everything, from small cans of sparkling water to grilled cheeses to bakery cookies to a bunch of grapes that looked like they’d had a fight with an anemic mouse and lost. Evan smiles as each item gets pulled out.

Almost automatically, his eyes start scanning over the park. It feels like it’s been a while since he’s been here, too, or at least since he’s taken a moment to sit back and observe the park in its entirety. In the time it takes Heidi to finish setting up, he’s not sure he’s discovered the source of the uneasiness deep in his stomach.

But Heidi is happy, and so he is, too. He turns back to her.

“I picked up this cheese from Shaw’s, it’s supposedly super sharp which I know you love, so it should turn out better than the Kraft Singles grilled cheese last week.”

Evan represses a shudder. “Oh, good.”

Heidi lies back slightly, smiling at him. “Here.” She holds out a plate full of food she’d just pulled out.

“Thanks,” Evan says, and when he smiles at her it's more genuine than most of the smiles he'd given her when he was younger.

She reached over and pats his cheek. “I like seeing you happy, you know that?”

“Yeah, I think I got that from the whole motherly affection thing.”

Heidi shakes her head. “I’d tell you to lay off the sass, but this is the one day I can’t, huh?”

“Oh, you love it.”

“Yeah,” Heidi says, picking up an apple and taking a bite out of it. “Yeah, I do.” She leans over, and with her free hand, she ruffles Evan’s hair.

“Hey!” He protests. “What was that for?” The action makes him feel like he’s a little kid again.

Heidi smiles at him again. He can’t remember the last time she smiled this much. “My little boy is all grown up. Twenty. Can you believe it?”

He shakes his head, looking up toward the trees. He really can’t believe it. Three years ago, he’d never have believed it. Seventeen was a bad year. But here he is, sitting in Ellison Park three years later, where he’d felt so helpless before. He’d be lying if he said there wasn’t an edge of that now, but it’s nowhere close to the wide expanse it had once been. He’s made it to twenty, and he knows he’ll make it longer. He smiles back at her. “Not really,” he says.

They eat in silence for a moment. Normally the presence of other people in the park besides them would make him anxious, but not today. He’s just another person, enjoying the afternoon sun with his mother. He blends in with everyone else. He feels like them. He wants to cork it up along with the feeling of the sun on his cheeks and the grass below him. With a start, he realizes his ache a little from the constant pull upwards his lips are engaged in. He’s smiling so much his cheeks hurt.

“I think you’re freckling again,” his mother mentions offhandedly. “I think you’re just about the only person who can’t freckle in the summer but can freckle just fine in January.”

“Maybe I am,” he says. “Like a superpower. Although it’s kind of a dumb superpower.”

“I don’t think so at all, sweetheart.” Heidi says.

He shakes his head, and as his mind fills with the image of someone else’s freckled cheeks, he may be inclined to agree.

“So you play a lot with Eva?”

Zoe looks up from her laptop, her brain unable to really understand the question. “What?”

Cynthia sits at the other end of the couch, and Zoe automatically tilts her screen in towards herself. “Aunt Christie mentioned it. She said that Sarah was talking about your...music Instagram at Christmas?”

Her cousin had ended up cornering her about her instagram account between dinner and desert. She was actually kind of happy to talk about it, since she and Eva do get along better than most roommates and it’s pretty cool to play with other people. She couldn’t really care about their followers, but they certainly had them, that’s for certain. Besides, it was a welcome reprieve from the dreaded “do you have a boyfriend?” questions, since she couldn’t exactly say no, i don’t have a boyfriend, since I’m still caught up on Evan, you know, the guy from junior year who lied about being friends with Connor and completely but accidentally fucked over the family in the public eye? But they didn’t know the half of that story, and she didn’t like to admit to herself how much she still cared for Evan, so the significant other area was a no-go and anything else was boring.

“Yeah, we have an account,” she says, shrugging. “It’s just a habit we’ve gotten into, playing together. It’s kind of fun to share it.”

“Ah,” Cynthia said, in that ‘I’m trying to understand but honestly have no idea what she’s talking about” tone of voice. “I’m glad, Zo’.”

Zoe smiles.

“But are you sure that’s the...best thing?”

The corners of her lips turn down, and she can feel her voice hardening a little. She doesn’t want to be defensive, but she is. “What?”

“Well, after everything that happened with your brother...with the Connor Project.” When she realized that wasn’t a sentence, she continued. “Are you sure the public eye is the best thing?”

She bristles. “It’s hardly the public eye, it’s just an Instagram account, and my full name isn’t on it. And honestly, mom, it couldn't get worse. No one cares anymore. It’s been years. Most of that was taken down. And I can take care of myself.”

“I know, Zoe,” her mother said, and maybe she’s just being placating, but the hand she reaches over and lays on her arm really does lessen her defenses. “I know. But you can’t control those people, and I just want you to be happy and safe.”

“I know,” Zoe says. “I know you do.”

She’s sure they both remember the endless days of calls, coming in a time of confusion and new grief she doesn’t know if they’ve really moved past, yet. Zoe knows that, if she tries, she can probably remember the exact words they said, the exact tone they said them in. It was only worse when she believed them.

Cynthia sits back again. They sit in silence for a little while.

“I’d love to hear some, though,” she says, in that classic mom voice.

“Why don’t you ask Sarah for a link?” Zoe says, sure to make her voice sarcastic.

“Why have a lousy link when I’ve got the rockstar right in front of me?”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Sure, let me just summon my roommate. She’s not in Buffalo at all, she’s actually been tiny sized and in my suitcase this whole time, just waiting for my mother to ask about my music so she can belt her tiny heart out.”

“Ha, ha,” Cynthia says. “Good thing you can sing, missy. I know this is where you’re going with all of your university sarcasm.”

“I can’t, mom.”

“Don’t give me that.”

“What would you prefer I give you?”

“An accurate assessment of your talents.”

“Sure, I know I’ve got one in my coat pocket somewhere, right with my sky-high self esteem and my 4.0 GPA.”

“Your GPA is more than fine and if you keep talking like that I’m going to worry. Why don’t you go pick it up from your room along with your guitar? Then I can hear the famous musician’s liquid silver voice while she plucks away with the speed of a god at her strings.”

Zoe cringes. “Always so poetic.”

“It’s a gift,” Cynthia says airily, and the two smile at each other. “Go on. I’ll get your father.”

“I'm not a child at a recital.”

“Why couldn’t you be? We just want to hear you play, sweetheart. We barely see you now, and next time it’ll be Carnegie Hall.”

Somehow, Zoe ends up retrieving her guitar. True to her mother’s word, Larry was there when she came back downstairs. She’d never expected to actually play for them, but this is the first time Cynthia has really pushed her on something in a long time. It’s nice, quite honestly, that she feels that strongly about hearing her play guitar.

“I really normally don’t sing,” she protests mildly.

“Nonsense,” Larry says, and Zoe smiles. She shifts the guitar in her lap.

“Eva absolutely loves singing this,” she begins, her fingers seeking out the beginning chords to Crush, because quite honestly she can’t think of anything else to play. Her parents’ eyes on her make her feel nervous. “She’s made me play it a million times. She’d probably be mad if she knew I was singing it without her.”

It’s...nice to play for them. They smile and clap as she plays song after song for them. She can feel their happiness at something she’s accomplished, for the first time in her life. But for the first time since she’s been home, she thinks she can feel the weight of a third gaze on her. She knows it’s just in her mind, but all the same, she hoped she’d left that lurking guilt from Connor far away, in the orchard, at the end of senior year. She doesn’t know how she feels now that it’s back.

He always used to listen to her play. Maybe this is what she gets instead of him, now.

“Zoe?” Evan says.

She looks...small, is the first word that crosses his mind. Which is funny, because although Zoe Murphy isn’t the tallest person you’ll ever meet, she’s certainly got the confidence and gravitas to make up for it. Stage presence, as his mother would say.

Maybe he’s caught her between the first and second act, then.

She looks up at him, her hands practically drowning in her chunky-knit yellow sweater. It comes up to her chin, half-tucked into a denim skirt at her waist, and where the skirt ends a pair of high riding boots begin. Some part of his brain recognizes that she looks impeccable just as she always does, even when the look on her face is so unguarded and shaken that he’s half surprised she’s still standing. Something passes over her face, and in a second it rearranges into something a little happier than before. It’s not happy or okay, not by a long shot, but if he didn’t know her better he may think it was. Barely giving himself a moment to marvel at just how cool it is she does that, concern overrides every alarm bell going off in his brain about being around her and talking to her and hurting her again (not again, not again), because the most important thing is making sure she’s okay, the most important thing is her comfort. “What-” he breaks off, shakes his head. What does he want to say? What are you doing? What are you feeling? What do you need?

What could he possibly say?

(He knows it doesn’t matter what he wants, in the end. It doesn’t matter.)

“What’s...up?” he finishes a second later, cringing internally.

Zoe’s mouth twists and her nose scrunches, and for a second he thinks she’s going to cry, but a moment later she settles on a half smile, and she looks so much like Connor did that day in the computer lab that he feels winded, winded by an image he couldn’t have conjured consciously. At once the weight of where he is hits him squarely in the chest, and Zoe must sense it, because when she speaks it’s gentle, almost, even though every fiber of her being feels like it’s been shifted on its axis. “Well, uh. You know. Not a lot. And a lot, also, I guess.”

Evan nods, and for a second he feels seventeen again, fighting against a torrent of words, because Zoe never talked like that. She always selected every word carefully, and if she can’t, there’s no hope for Evan. “Yeah, no I, I definitely get it. That makes, that makes sense. You’re um, I guess you’re home for break? Winter break?”

Zoe nods once, and for once he detects a hint of ice in the gesture. “Yeah. And you’re…”

“Still home,” he supplements quickly. “I’m, uh, applying, actually, but, you know…”

“Yeah,” she says, and Evan privately thinks that this may be the most painful conversation they’ve had. There’s still a look in Zoe’s eyes, something a little unhinged and a lot hurt, and he wants more than anything to get rid of it. He knows that it’s not his job, but God, he wants to. He wants to grab her hand and press a kiss to her temple just like he used to, to slide his hand along the side of her jaw like he did whenever she was upset. He wants to remind her to breathe just like she used to remind him to do, wants to trace the freckles on her cheeks until she’s giggling and her eyes are dry.

“Are you here to see Connor?” she spits out, as though surprising herself, and Evan finds himself nodding, because oh yeah, they’re at a cemetery. He absolutely could not tell you why he chose to go down to the cemetery, rather than literally any other place. He just...felt like he had to. For some reason, he felt like he needed to go to Connor’s grave to say sorry and maybe thank you for something he couldn’t quite understand. He hadn’t planned on running into Zoe, though.

“You are too? I can...I can go,” he offers, and he’s surprised at how quickly Zoe shakes her head.

“No, I’d...I’d like someone else there.”

“Really?” he says, his voice soft.

“Yeah,” she says, offering him a quick ghost of a smile before steeling herself and turning.

He follows her in silence, choosing to focus on the sound of her shoes on the concrete and examining the back of her head and the trees lining the rows of graves and new clouds that have crossed the sun. They must reach Connor’s plot eventually, as Zoe turns sharply and leads him through the maze of stones until they stand in front of one that is simpler than its neighbors. Classic, he supposes, although he doesn’t know if that’s actually a thing, a ‘classic’ grave. Connor Murphy is cut into the stone, followed by a birth and death date and a short epitaph of beloved son, brother, and friend. He squashes down an unkind thought before it can really grow at all.

Zoe’s sat down on the grass, denim skirt and all. After hesitating, he follows.

“Would you like me to-”

“No,” Zoe says, but her eyes are focused on the grave, and Evan has the feeling she’s a million worlds away from him and it wouldn’t matter what he said. “You’re fine.”

So he sits quietly, and tries to think of something he’d like to say to Connor in the peace of his own head. What would he say, if given the chance? He doesn’t know if it would be worth anything. For him, he grew to learn that he was not who he thought he was on his worst days, no matter how many there were. But he doesn’t know if that’s worth saying to Connor. It wasn’t even really Connor who taught him that, in the end. He forced that message into his own brain, with the help of Dr. Sherman and his mother and even Zoe and the Murphy’s, in some roundabout way. He’s learned he can keep going.

Maybe Zoe still needs to learn that, he thinks, with a glance in her direction. She seems to be deteriorating, her hand absently twisting grass at her side, her face falling just a little more. She’s biting her lip and her brow is furrowing deeper. Or maybe this is just one of her bad days.

She stands up and sways on her feet. Evan clambers up after her, a hand reaching out to steady her almost unconsciously. “I’m sorry,” she says, and it’s only then that he notices the near-silent sobs coming from her, although there are not yet any tears. She just looks...sad. He hasn’t seen her look that sad in a while. Her non-grassy hand reaches up to her face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Evan says, and he aches to reach out and touch her, to comfort her in some way, but he holds himself back. He attempts a joke. “You apologize too much.”

He sees tears on her cheeks, and one indents where he’s sure she’s biting the inside of her mouth.

“Please,” he says, and it’s only then that she seems further away than she was before. “Do you need a ride somewhere?”

She’s in no state to refuse, but she looks like she might anyway. He cuts her off with another ”please, let me do this” and she relents. She looks ready to collapse at any moment, and he’s terrified she will, so he keeps one hand hovering nervously hovering between her shoulder and back their whole walk as though he’s swatting invisible bugs away. He considers opening the door for her, but thinks the better of it and leaves her to fend for herself in that particular field. They’re silent as he gets into the car and shifts the key in the ignition, pulling out of the cemetery parking lot. They stay silent for a few minutes on the road as well, while Evan drives in the vague direction of her house.

“You’re driving,” Zoe says suddenly, and through the thickness of tears Evan thinks he can detect a hint of pride.

“Yeah, that I am,” he replies, shaking his head slightly.

He thinks Zoe may say something like “wow” under her breath, but a moment later she’s sniffling again and that’s all he can think about. “I have some tissues in the glove compartment.”

“Thanks,” she says softly, almost getting drowned out in the sound of tires on pavement, and the sound of her soft consonants breaks his heart. “I’m sorry,” she tries again, but Evan stops her.

“Don’t, Zoe. Don’t ever apologize. Really.” His hands tighten on the steering wheel. “Believe me. You have nothing to apologize for.”

There’s another silence. It seems like Zoe has stopped crying, although she still seems unsteady, albeit less all over the place than when he first saw her.

“I swear I’m doing better than this,” she says. “I really am. I don’t, I really don’t know why that happened. I wish I could explain to you why. Why it’s still happening now, honestly. I’m doing better. I am.”

“You don’t owe me any explanations, Zoe.”

“I know. I mean, I don’t, but. I want to give you one, anyway.”

He nods. “Where to?” He finally says, the words stiffer than he wanted them to be.

Her voice is small, almost fragile. “Could you...maybe go to the orchard?”

He nods again, feeling a bit like a bobble head. “Yeah, of course.” He doesn’t add the anything, anything at all for you, but he thinks she might hear it anyway.

Sitting in the orchard with Evan again, it’s almost...surreal.

Zoe hasn’t been back since she met him a week before graduation. Being in the orchard brings all kinds of feelings of melancholy for her, a tangle of guilt and longing and maybe a little bit of hope, too.

Because when she looks across from her, Evan is there, and her own emotions are reflected on his face. They’re both sitting in the grass under one of the trees. They’re no longer saplings, which in itself is weird. The year has brought a lot of growth for them. Looking at Evan, she can’t help but think that they’re not the only ones.

He’s so much more...something than he was before. Is it happy? Confident? Whatever it is, it fills him from the inside. Even in the orchard, where his brow is furrowed and his eyes are focused on some faraway point in the distance, he’s sitting taller and fidgeting less than before. He’s doing better.

And she meant what she said to him, how she’s doing better too. Getting out and away to the city had really done wonders for her, finally being away from all of the shit that happened in high school.

She pushes her foot out, nudging against his thigh. He angles his head to her, and suddenly she gets the same urge to cry again. Her vertigo has lessened significantly since arriving at the orchard and stumbling to sit, but she still feels unsteady even while sitting. The corner of his lip perks up a bit as his eyes meet hers.

“It’s been almost a year,” she says.

“I know.”

There’s a pause; she lets herself listen to the rustle of the no-longer-saplings.

“Do you ever wish you could go back?” she says, surprising herself.

He takes a moment to respond. “To when?”

“I don’t know,” she admits. Her eyes burn and she’s not quite sure why. “Last time we were here? Last year? The very first time we really talked? This morning?”

Evan shakes his head. “That’s, that’s a lot of times.”

“I know.”

“Maybe I’d go back to this morning,” he said. “So I could...prepare myself for this. So I’d be ready to see you.”

She snorts. “I’d like preparation to deal with me, too.”

“That’s not what I meant, Zoe.”

“Oh?” She doesn’t know where this challenge has come from in her tone. “What did you mean?”

“I meant—I meant that it’s...different seeing you now. Because of...everything. And I don’t want to hurt you more.”

At once, all the fight leaves her. She passes a hand over her face. “God, Evan. I don’t think that’s possible.”

If she had meant to hurt him-and she honestly doesn’t know herself if she did-she certainly succeeded. Evan seems to curl in on himself a bit.

“That’s not what I meant,” she adds belatedly. “I just-you make things difficult, you know? Because this entire—” and here she gestures emphatically to the orchard, “thing is so fucked, and I want to leave it all behind, since it makes me feel fucked. But then I see you, and it’s like…” she lets out a puff of air. “It’s like I’m back to being sixteen again. Which is terrible on so many levels but is really, really great on one.”

He doesn’t say anything.

Her hand picks at the hem of her skirt. “I had you, Evan. And that made everything else okay.” She blinks rapidly against her blurring vision. “And as much as I want to leave everything else behind, I don’t-I can’t leave you. And that.”

“I understand,” Evan says softly.

She doesn’t say the other part that keeps her from leaving, the total guilt that fills her mind every once in a while when she thinks about Connor. She had a feeling he may already know that part.

“And the stars are here, too. I can’t leave them.”

She can hear the smile in Evan’s voice. “No, I bet you can’t.”

She shakes her head, tears slipping from her eyes. As he leans over and swipes them away with his thumb, she represses a choking sob from somewhere deep inside her chest. “I couldn’t either,” he says, his smile morphing into something sadder and smaller. His fingertips brush against her cheeks one last time, and belatedly she remembers those nights spread out on the grass where he traced the stars from the sky on her freckles. His fingers feel just like they did then, almost reverent against her cheek, his feather-light touch sending shivers from where it lands. Her eyes close, and without the hard ground beneath her and the sunlight that’s bright on her eyelids, she can almost pretend no time has passed at all, that she can have this entirely and wholly and painlessly. But Evan’s hand, and then his whole being, moves away from her, and she is left with only the phantom of his touch and the quiet noise of the leaves behind her. She lets her eyes drift open again, once the tears have receded slightly.

Evan stands, maybe sensing that she needs to get away or maybe just wanting out himself. “C’mon,” he says, holding a hand out to her. “I’ll drive you home.”

She smiles, albeit a watery smile, and takes his hand, ignoring just how familiar and easy it feels to slip her hand into his. His palm is warm, and he hoists her up with only a little difficulty. She smiles as she rights herself, and he steps back quickly once he’s sure she won’t fall. The faint blush that steals across his cheeks only makes her vertigo worse, but she manages to walk anyways, the blurriness fading from her eyes.

Just before they get in the car, Zoe reaches out a grabs his sleeve, the fabric of it rough under her calloused fingertips. Time slows down for the barest second, and her world narrowed to the faint, warm brown of his eyes. But the moment passes, and she tugs him in closer to her, wrapping her other arm around his shoulder. She means to say thank you, but the words never pass her lips. Instead she pushes herself up until her mouth is right next to his ear. Zoe breathes, “Watch the stars for me, Evan. Please.”

She feels him nod against her shoulder, and finally his grip around her lower back feels like more than just dead weight. “I will, Zo.”

In a moment, she’ll reach for the car door and step away from him. In a moment he’ll do the same, and they’ll sit in an almost-comfortable silence for the ride home. In a while they will be at her house, and they will say goodbye, and Zoe will go back to NYU the next day and Evan will go to his shift at Pottery Barn. In a moment, this may be the last time they just exist like this with each other, or it may not be.

Either way, she holds him close in this moment and savors the feeling of his heart beating in tandem with hers.

#dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen fanfic #dear evan hansen fanfiction #dear Evan Hansen gift exchange #thatfriendlyanon #bandtrees #deh #deh angst #deh fanfic #evan hansen #zoe murphy #zoevan

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krishu213 · 6 years ago

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Chapter 4 review of nightbound

Ahh!!! Finally after a week I saw my fav book.. but that was really a small chapter🙄 but that's okay pb writers you are all doing great and giving us good chapters..

So a shout out and lots of hugs from my side to you all the writers..😘😘😘🤗🤗

Now now let's start with reviewing...

We are in front of the elite club and thinking how to get in and...that's when rival's appears(it reminded me PM when Alana appeared) Nik's rival Katherine appears..(she is gorgeous and beautiful I loved her hair..wish we had the option of keeping same hair) hmmm so they are rivals...and Nik's very much not happy to see her.. I guess they were both co workers earlier (didn't play the diamond scene) and now rivals(gives deep feel of PM)

So now question is how to go in...???sneaking in??? Hmmm nope..we have to blend and appear as we are members of supernatural club.!!(p.s. loved it more if we sneaked in) ..okay so we decide to trick globins( oh dear !!pb you are making one hell good book with all the magical creatures) so cal wanted to help(awwiiieee my Sweety wanted help us that was so cute) but globin's would have known that he is werewolf and they are scared of werewolf's so Nik and our mc decides to sneak rings (by the way I chose to distract them don't know what happens with other option) globins said we look like human but we have something else too🤔(hmmm looks like globins can sense we are not humans hmmm when we will know we..🙄.we will know when pb writers decides to tell us😁 ) so now we are in club..and we see the president for fae's he looks like fishy person to me !oops sorry not person !fishy Fae to me!and Nik wouldn't tell us because he gets paycheck to protect us and not tell us more...hmmmm don't worry we will get to know eventually .and that dance was actually free ..thanks writers ... I chose cal(of course I would do that he is my li) and that was some amazing dance...

We meet Katherine and she is let's say we are going to become friends..she asks us to help her(wow that was real fast but I didn't have diamonds so didn't know what happened..please some here can let me know how we help her and what did we find more !

So..we look for Donny and he looks cute new face... And we come to know that he was tiny miny involved in gambling! That's defo ..not cool for such a little kid..and it's good that cal is angry on him but what's this he has involved himself with some serious gansgter.!lady smoke?? Who is she?? Is she vera ?? (🤔 I have this feeling that may be vera is here related to lady smoke o! Because the way she was dressed up she can definitely is allowed in the club in which we are ...I don't know it's just a doubt in my mind !do share your views what do you think about lady smoke ? Who is she ?I think she may play a part in future chapters of NB book.I m curious to know her..and what is being told about her it appears she is brutal lady)

So now cal will have a fight with that minnatour(I hope he doesn't get injured ...!and if he gets injured then please let's tend him😍😍 but without paying diamonds okay?) Omg did really cal made Donny unconsious! But why?? The way he was angry and protective his alpha wolf was clearly visible(awww waiting to see his wolf form 😊)

Oh ya I loved Nik and Katherin scene !!

So now overall chapter was good but it was small waiting for more mystery and next chapter fight..

Also p.s. I have selected Michael copon for face claim for cal..will provide the link later.

(p.s. in his one of the movie he plays lead as mathayus and fights with minnatour so in next chapter I will imagine him.. if I can find pictures of that scene from movie I will post it here)

So that all for now friends please do share your thoughts .it would be fun to discuss theories and pov's of everyone.

Here is the link for faceclaims post for cal

#choices nb #choices stories you play #nightbound choices #nik ryder #cal lowell #cal x mc #nik x mc #nightbound #choices nightbound

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rawrmeansilyindinosawr · 2 years ago

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ketamine is NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART (ty rat priest)

ladyfag is a kute venue w lots of kute boyz and u n ur friend dance on stage cuz why not. the dj puts the lights on u and ur friendz n sweat drip drops from ur head down to ur body and it feels holy. dirty magazine party is nxt and there's a human carpet who is coercing people into his kink to step on him like a carpet n gets mad when u ask him if he's ok so u get on him with ur 5 inch platforms and jump ttwice. cobra snake is snapping pix of everyone and the girl who u met a vivienne westwood last week tells u she likes ur kitty kat ears and u blush. u meet a girl that looks like the reincarnation of SOPHIE and spiel ur lil spiel ab how she changed ur entire life n stance on music/started ur party life. she asks to kiss u after and u let her. <3

ugh sigh eek ugh sigh eek meh blah ugh ooof. mi head is spinning and the come down from molly is never fun. found myself being v suicidal. wrote this cuz i wuz eating chicken wings and sad.

"im sucking the meat out of my teeth from the gaps in between. i used to pull my teeth when they started becoming loose and make sure they fell out the same day, i did it cuz i wanted the tooth fairy to make my wishes come true, to be in a loving family, to be happy. there's a gap from this tooth i pulled when i was 12 or so, it healed unevenly , so every time i eat meat it gets stuck in between ."

i've been talking so much lately i've lost my voice.

u leave dick appointment hungry af from burning all the calories dancing and almost k holing but u mentally pushed urself out of it, didnt think that was possible but ketamine is not for the faint of heart or mentally weak. kiss ur friend goodbye n r craving ur fav hangover food. u walk to the bodega and ignore the weird unwarranted comments from touristy men with boring flannels and cargo pants who just seem so fascinated every time they see someone who looks like a lil lolita goth. IDK why these tourists r hangin in bushwick, plz go to midtown or the upper east side so u can compare credit scores. u walk back to ur apt and BOOM. right underneath ur 400 dollar new new rocks u feel a MF LIFT and on top of that u hear a DEATHLY SQUEAL. yep. the sound of black metal REEEEEE's on loop. [also, EW if u ONLY ever cry while listening to dying fetus , get help. ] u just accidentally stepped on a fucking rat. but they just ran away underneath a car. yr convinced the rats here r superhuman or something like they have GOT to go to mandatory rat church or something underground with their sundays best and all give their tithes n offerings to RAT PRIEST to get this anti kryptonite. alana from broad city talked about RAT BASTARD [which is personally one of my greatest fears, never forget how i fking lost sleep for 2 whole days when i found a tiny mouse in my apartment a month ago, one time seeing it run across my clothing rack in the middle of the night, me responding by SCREAMING and running down my second story floor barefoot and out tha door] but id like to get to know RAT PRIEST. what does he wear, what do his sermons consist of, why do i even think hes a he. ive come so far as a nonbinary person and even helping build an anti-christian club at my christian college,writing a MF poetry book ab my deconstruction of God our Father into God our Mother. i hate the patriarchy and how its framed my sense of power insuch a male perceived worldview. speaking of men.

i am DONEEEE dating musicians and BOYS FROM UPSTATE!!!!!! ive been gaslit by 3 of them this year and its barely june?!?! why pollute something so beautiful n pure like music with a fragile ego!? ive never understood how that could happen…but imNOT stupid. tha softest boys are tha softest manipulators. DUH. i get having energy restless AF to create, express N give but how can U allow the round of applause n medal to corrode tht inner beauty?? or hold urself in so much pride they r stuck in karmic loops. but im no better cuz i never seem to learn either believing they actually think im special too. ive given sm love n attention away from myself lately n these ways of communicating w these kinds of ppl dont feel genuine when u are left empty handed. but NY was never a great place for ppl to date anyway. u find like minded ppl who connect to and they have reservations n avoidances. but falling in luv n getting hurt always happens without a warning.

PLZ PLZ PLZ RAT PRIEST dont let me fall for another musician!! ill bring u 12 bacon egg n cheeze's on cinnamon raisin TOASTED lightly with a side of coffee LITE N SWEET. PLZ RAT PRIEST i know ur there, omnipotent being. that sees the smol ones underneath ur the fluffy clouds u lay on in haven, i kno ur listening. PLZ RAT PRIEST, luv is worth going into a furnace of 1,000 flames for!! i just want pure luv. and if it's in u, u'll b the only boy ill ever be on mi knees 4 EVER again. [kross mi heart hope 2 die.]

#blog

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badasshybridqueen · 7 years ago

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Okay so, this is going to be long cause like I have a lot of verses and things I love??? OMG okay but wait let me preface this with I LOVE ALL my threads. Honest. Hayley loves all her current threads because if she doesn’t like a thing she won’t keep doing it and I won’t force her cause then she’s uncooperative lol. So yes. All threads are loved. BUT my temperamental hybrid does have her favorites.

GV; SUPERNATURAL WIVES ( feat. @hismyth @suitsofarmor @anditsxsorrows @littlewxtch @devilwithabrokenmind @ofinsecuritiies @safedrowned @brxllxantbanshee ) basically shennanigans where everyone is married, some with kids some without and they’re trying to balance their supernatural lives with their semi-kinda normals lives and failing miserably lol I love it TBH there needs to be more things in this verse.

GV; TTAU ( feat.like A LOT of people lol here are a few @suitsofarmor @hismyth @originallymikaelson @fiercerebekah @littlewxtch @ofinsecuritiies @fallenregent @bourbonandheels --- there are A LOT okay? lol) I mean everyone is turning some tricks lmao. Hayley is totally an escort here and I love escort Hayley and she’s got her precious Hope and a SUPER complicated backstory with @originallymikaelson and both muse & mun LOVE this verse.

GV; WELCOME TO NEW ORLEANS ( @anditsxsorrows @seesgood @imthelcstprincess @northernwarrioress @texcsfcrever @amongthcwreck - there are probs more? but like) Like IDEK if this is really still going? HAHHA But Hayley really likes the threads she still has in this verse so like keeping it HAHAH -SHRUGS-

GV; IAP ( @faithiiisms @temperproblem @seesgood @buffyisms @exwatcher @castsfear @petrovakoketka @salvatoreiisms @giiilbcrt @heavensfavoured @hellscounsel @hellsfavoured @burnxyourxkingdom honestly I’m probs missing people and i’m sorrryyyy) - this just started but like HAYLEY GETS TO INTERACT WITH BTVS PEOPLE DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT????

PRIVATE VERSES/OTHER VERSES

V; STRANGE BEDFELLOWS & V; LIFE UNEXPECTED AU - with @xhidingintheshadowsxreally anything with Barb makes Hayley and I happy AF. But we love these verse so so so so so much. UGH Barb we need more things lmao.

V; WOLF ROYALTY ( @darkestbeforedxwn ) I love all of our things, but I won’t lie this is Hayley’s favorite verse. And it’s totally made me adore Jackson to like pieces. ALL the things

V; TOGETHER FOREVER A BEAUTIFUL LIE ( @dissolvedshadows ) I mean Hayley never saw you coming? Like what even? My muse is so attached it’s ridiculous. To Caleb and Ana. Like I LOVE this verse. The plotting and the gifset and the Pinterest board and random AF things we slip into messages all hours of the day. It makes Hayley happy and me toooo.

V; ATELOPHOBIA ( @ofinsecuritiies & @ofwickedminds) I mean this verse is like the best? It’s so full of feelsy angst. It’s AU season 2 where Klaus and Hayley actually get to keep Hope but then like Caroline shows up and Klaus decides to invite her to stay @ the compound with them and Hayley is just WOW lmao. But it’s the best.

V; HOME IS WHERE LOVE RESIDES ( @ofinsecuritiies @originallymikaelson @safedrowned ) Season 4 happened but with a twist. Hayley and Klaus move t o Mystic falls with Hope where Caroline and STEFAN are running the Salvatore school. Teenage magic makers, annoying men and wine nights FTW ( DON’T FORGET THE DESK SEX @ofinsecuritiies SNICKERS)

V; A BEAUTIFUL DISASTER ( @anditsxsorrows & @bearthemarks ) I mean this is a verse where Hayley is shameless and wants to have her cake and eat it too lmao. YOLO. There should always be more things in this verse lol.

V; BOURBON AND BITCHIN’ ( @hisbeautyindarkness ) But like this is the best verse because Hayley and Cami and talk about guys, get drunk, get arrested just you know have some fun. They can take care of Hope together they can just be awesome strong independent women and we love it.

V; HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE ( @hisbeautyindarkness @xhidingintheshadowsx @originallymikaelson ) This one we haven’t done enough in but like Cami and Stefan meet on the other side???? And Cami appears to Klaus a lot and like Klaus and Hayley have to sort of work through the deaths of these people that were important to them and the barrier is thin and they pop up from time to time and I NEED MORE OKAY? WE NEED MORE THINGS HERE. LoL

V; IT WAS OVER BEFORE IT STARTED ( @hismyth & @suitsofarmor ) BUT check this out a verse where Hayley is TATIA & ELIJAH’S DAUGHTER OKAY? AND SHE’S GOT A BROTHER and DIDN’T have a terrible childhood. But has a family that loves her and a dad she’s super close with and a mom who drives her nuts because they’re SO MUCH alike. This is lovely so damn lovely.

V; LOVING YOU IS A BLOODSPORT ( @anditsxsorrows @greenbravery @suitsofarmor ) A mess of complications where in Kentucky SOMEONE (ELIJAH) decided to sleep with Hayley’s BFF and knocked her up [ Good job Elijah ] lol but no it’s got all the good things with this crazy family and HOPE HAS A COUSIN SOBSSSS SHE’S NOT GONNA CRY UP ALONE W/ NO FRIENDS AND IT MAKES HAYLEY SO HAPPY.

V; STRIP THAT DOWN FOR ME SWING THAT AROUND FOR ME ( @southerncomfortoutlaw ) I mean this verse is new but Hayley LOVES it? Honestly it’s the best. Cer is undercover trying to bring down the bad guys and Hayley is a prostitute but like really she’s a Social worker in training who is looking for her best friend that was taken by these people and so she purposefully gets involved as a prostitute to find her BFF and like these two idiots are fucking cute I can’t so much love.

V; I’VE GOT YOU IN MY SPACE ( @sorrowfought ) SOBS Deeks tho. Hayley adores Deeks and these two are so sassy and cocky and omg WE’RE SO EXCITED ABOUT LILLY TBH they can be sassy parents together !!!

V; BACK TO LIFE BACK TO REALITY ( @camillethebrave ) Cami coming back to life after the Hollow is destroy is my aesthetic okay??? Hayley and I love this verse. SO SO freaking much. Camiiiiii sobs <3333

V; THIS IMPOSSIBLE YEAR ( @anditsxsorrows @amongthcwreck @everflaming ) HUMAN Bekah and Hayley not only being BFF but having babies together SOBS. This is the best. The actual best and it gives me feels.

V; A NEW KIND OF FAMILY ( @anditsxsorrows @tribridprincess ) Hayley & Klaus get to raise Hope together. Like a semi-normal dysfunctional family. No Hollow. When everyone isn’t together it’s their OWN choice.

V; THE DARKEST SIDE OF ME ( @anditsxsorrows @amongthcwreck ) Post S1 AU. Hayley is embracing that hybrid nature, killing some witches and having some fun with her murder buddy Bellamy and baby dady <333 I love this verse so much lol. Hayley just gets to be free and wild and kill people and I live for writing threads where without Hope around Hayley has just well lost some of that compassion of hers lol

OKAY There are some people I have SO many verse with to list them all would honestly take FOREVER. So I’m going to list the muses and just a few of the favs <333

@originallymikaelson - We have SO MANY THREADS & Verses Hayley loves. Like I can’t. BUT some of the fave verses are of course: V; Starting Over, V; When You Lose Something You Can’t Replace (ANGSTTTT), V; Body Swap, V; TTAU AU, if you want to see my favorite threads just check Zoe’s tag because it’s like ALL of them. LOL.

@anditsxsorrows / @everflaming / @ofimaginarybeings - FISSHHHHHHHH I don’t even know what to write because literally EVERY verse we have Hayley LOVES? BUT I’m going to name a few of her favorites OFC cause you know lol Our Five Years Verse - which is just like my canon LMAO for reasons. V; Everything in me gravitates to you also V; For better or worse, and V; Echoes through the ages, some V; It’s called a battle of two and V; The love of abditory and ofc V; Underneath the heavy moon also V; Under running water ....wow this is going to keep going so I’m just gonna stop here LMAO.

@seesgood - LIAAAAA I love ALL our threads okay? Like the Gossip Girl threads, we need OTH threads! And all of our VERSE threads just UGH they’re totally gonna be friends like I love the things ALL the things also forever pls. Don’t ever hesitate lol

@tribridprincess HAYLEY’S SMOL CHILD ON THE REAL THO. Every single thread we have Hayley loves & I LOVE. Every verse all the verses don’t ever leave mama. LOL

@highcstofkings - The thread we have going I absolutely love like I can’t even okay? It’s perfect and yes lol.

@bornhybrid @tritaint - Hayley loves our threads also so very much honestly and your OOC posts @tritaint super freaking accurate haha. Hayley is just ...Yup LMAO.

@handsomepianoman - EMMMM Honestly Hayley loves every single solitary interaction with your Elijah and that’s the reason we have about 30 billion threads I swear Half the queue is always you and it makes me happy HAHA. Our two Fave verses ofc though are V; I don’t want the throne and ofc V; Together we have it all

@northernwarrioress - can I just? I LOVE our verses too and I know we mix and match with @tribridprincess and @hybriidking and @anditsxsorrows LMAO But Hayley LOVES Alana okay? Like she’s her own and We need more things because OMFG give me more things always kayla cause ALANA SOBS <33333

Other muses Hayley LOVES writing with & enjoys Current threads:

@mcnsterinme @moonoverbourbon @dalphahale @memorystxrs @ofwickedminds @originalklausm Guys I know I mentioned some of you above BUT I feel like I’m forgetting people and that makes me anxious cause Hayley loves all the things with everyone TBH okay??? This is long AF and I’m tired so I’m going to end it here but if I forgot you I love you I’m just bad remembering lmao

#rpc positivity week.#ѕнe loveѕ тoo мυcн aɴd yoυ cαɴ ѕee ιт ιɴ нer eyeѕ│Cori Gives Love

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little----bit-of-light · 7 years ago

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So this is my first piece of writing i've ever done for the dear evan hansen fandom so hope ys enjoy.

Trigger Warnings: mentions of divorce, ooc Connor

- the gang ™ is at lunch one day and jared is being an anti social fuck and scrolling though his instagram

-Connor is looking over his shoulder to see the memes

-AND THEN he sees this picture of this beautiful girl in a black dress on a busy ass street surrounded by people wearing a lot of bright colours captioned "My formal title is queen of the undead and damned but you can just call me Your highness"

-"Do you follow model's to jerk off to or something" Connor teases and Jared is like "no you idiot she goes here"

-then Alana pipes in with "well actually she goes here for half the year, her parents do spilt custody during the school year"

-Connor follow you later that night on instagram

-He's scrolling through your account and is in awe of not only how beautiful you are but also how funny you're captions are

-You follow him back cause you have a soft spot for pretty boys with long hair and HEY HE GOES TO YOUR SCHOOL BACK EAST

-You spend half the year on the west coast with your mom after the divorce

-the other half you spend with your dad back east

A FEW MONTHS LATER

-You're en route back east and you post a little snap out of the airplane window on your Instagram story before takeoff with the caption "the prodigal daughter returns in like 4 hours"

-Connor sees and gets so excited cause this means you'll be back at school and he can finally talk to you!!!!!!!!!

-You get home and start unpacking some stuff and you kinda just need to get out of the house, mainly to have a little cry cause you miss your mom and dont wanna make your dad feel awful

-So you tug on a heavy duty coat and boats that you didnt even bother bringing out west and walk to the local park

-you sit down on one of the swings and just kinda let the tears falls for a bit

-So our fav tree nerd is walking past on his way to Connor's house and you two had a couple of playdates when you were kids and talked every once i a while when you were back east but not a lot

-And he notices you and is just gonna walk past till he realises you're crying

-and cause of his shitty dad he automatically assumes something has happened with your dad and goes into defensive evan mode

-He does his best to talk to you but poor boy isnt the best at comforting so he asks if its okay to take you somewhere warm

-So he takes you to Connor's with him cause he know's Zoe will be there and he knows you two are friends (you organise the school concerts)

-Evan asks if you want a hug when you stand up from the swings and you two just walk in a side hug on the way there

-Connor answers the door and just goes "Evan you need to stop bringing strays home" before he even knows its you and you know its him

-you've both had little Instagram crushes on each other since the day you both followed each other

-You assumed Evan was bringing you to a coffee shop not someones house

-you get inside and Connor is like interally screaming because how can someone look so cute with a blotchy face and red nose from the cold/crying

-When Jared sees you he fucking launches himself at you to hug you

"THE VALLEY GIRL HAS RETURNED TO US" hes laughing his ass off cause he's so happy to see you

-you guys had a bunch of classes together and usually kept each other sane around all the dumb people last year

-seeing him has already cheered you up and reminded you why you miss the east when your west

-Connor is kinda jealous how all your tension just seemed to slip away the second Jared picked you up

-"shit sorry that was rude, I'm y/n" you say walking up to Connor and shaking his hand but he already knows cause your the cute girl who's pictures and music recs on her Instagram stories that always cheer him up

-"Connor Murphy" he says with a bit of a smirk which makes you melt cause this is the boy who's pictures always kinda make you in awe cause they are rarely of him (he's really into photography so most of his Instagram is of things and people around him) but when they are boy is a stunner

-"Hey aren't you Zoe-" You dont get to finish the sentence because Zoe has tackled you in a hug

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE I MISSED YOU"

"Missed you too band geek"

-the rest of the day is pretty chill Zoe takes you up to her room and gets you to spill about why you were crying and you talk about missing your mom and how its just a big change to go through every couple of months

-Connor sends Zoe a text that theres pizza downstairs if you two want any cause he doesn't wanna interrupt anything

-So you guys head downstairs and start talking to the guys

-You tell Jared some stories about guys from silicon valley, Evan about the hikes in the national parks and you say how Colorado was the best place you hiked and the Jared makes a weed joke and you go "hey helped with the muscle pain" and Connor is just like I'm in love????????

-Over the next couple of months you bond with the group and they start making more appearances on your Instagram

-You also become Connor's favourite subject for photography and feature a lot on each others page

- But you're favourite picture is the one that Alana got of you two, foreheads touching just looking at each other in complete admiration captioned "get you a freak like this"

#dear evan hansen #connor murphy x reader #deh #evan hansen x reader

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denimwrites-archive · 7 years ago

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Delicious Vegetals

Prompt: @problematicc-favs ‘s meme which idek where it came from but I love vegetables and I wanted to contribute to the cause.

Fandom: Dear Evan Hansen

Pairing: Connor Murphy x Reader

Summary: You go out to eat with the group and convince Connor to eat healthy for once and he enjoys it.

Word Count: 1,299

Warnings: THIS IS MADNESS I’M SORRY - maybe some language? idk

A/N: I am a proud member of the Vegetal Army, and I know my babes would support us in our cause. (Also I wrote this at eleven o’clock instead of working on requests oops). The vegetable puns I got from google because I’m not that clever. And I actually looked up some vegetarian recipes for this cause I try way too hard lol. Enjoy this mess I’m very tired and have no idea why I did this but I actually tried y’all.

~~~

It was a half day at school, the last day before Christmas break, and you and the squad had decided to go out for lunch to celebrate school being out for the rest of the year. Taking Connor’s hand in yours as you walk in the parking lot, you can’t help but smile thinking of the fun you’ll have with everyone.

“Where are we going for food? Cause I’m starving and I know I’m going to need something filling,” Jared says as everyone converges around Zoe’s car. Sharing a glance around the group, you just shrug with everyone else. Jared rolls his eyes with a sigh, “You guys are real helpful.”

“Oh, I know where we can go!” Zoe exclaims with a smile. “It’s this cute restaurant that opened downtown a few months ago that I’ve been meaning to try. Their little outside board is always decorated really nice, so why not give it a shot?” She looks around the group and the consensus is to go. Splitting up and heading towards your respective rides, you going with Connor and Zoe, Evan with Jared, and Alana in her own car. Then you’re on your way to lunch.

Zoe excitedly talks about the restaurant’s website and how the menu is really healthy, with plenty of vegan and vegetarian choices to try. Connor lets out a groan at that, but is soon assured that they have meat lover options as well. “But there’s nothing wrong with vegetarian food, Connor. I was actually considering becoming vegetarian and this is a good way to see what it’s like.”

This prompts another groan from Con and you give him a nudge and ask Zoe to keep talking about the restaurant, intrigued by it the more she says. By the time you get there, you’re really looking forward to the meal, but you wait outside with the Murphys, looking for your other friends.

While you stand there, you take in the outside of the restaurant. The aesthetic is rustic, but modern? It works surprisingly well, even if the name of it was a little odd: Vegetals. And Zoe was right about the board outside. It was covered in doodles of different vegetables, with puns. You couldn’t help but laugh at some of them.

Haters gonna hate, I don’t Carrot all. We know we’re Corny. Dill with it!

Kale your order in for pick-up: XXX-XXX-XXXX

Winning Best Vegetarian Variety in the State is kind of a big Dill.

If there is any Cornfusion about orders, please Lettuce know!

When you pointed the sign out to Connor, he scoffed, but you could see a smile peeking out the side of his mouth. Soon enough the others arrive and you enter the restaurant hungry and ready to have a good time with good food. But when you enter, you’re surprised to see that it’s almost like a Starbucks mixed with a Subway with the way the order system works.

Sharing a look of confusion with everyone else, Zoe decides to be brave and head up the counter first, the rest of you trailing behind her. She looks over the menu and decides to get some kind of vegetarian burrito bowl with a small side salad to go with it.

Alana orders next, getting some sandwich with a salad and some baby carrots on the side. Evan is next getting a soup with tofu, eggplant, and noodles. Jared and Connor scan over the menu in disdain, muttering to each other every few seconds. Rolling your eyes you step up and place your order, making sure to grab a healthy side of vegetables as well as a salad. Then it’s only the boys left and you share an annoyed look with Zoe before walking over to talk to the pare.

“Are you two going to order or not? We’re hungry, and won’t hesitate to start eating without you.” Jared sticks his tongue you at you and you return the gesture. Connor gives you a soft look before letting out a huff and stepping forward to order. He decides on one of the options with no vegetables, a plain burger, and you can’t help but shake your head at him. Jared ultimately orders a veggie wrap, and after waiting about twenty minutes, your food is ready.

Settling in to eat, you can’t help but groan at the taste of your dish, everyone else following suit when they dig in to their own food. There isn’t much conversation as you stuff your faces, but it’s still nice just to have good company with your amazing food. About halfway through the lunch, you start to talk again in between bites.

You notice Connor is only picking at his burger, and you take his hand under the table, giving it a squeeze. He gives you a tight smile before going back to poke his burger. Glancing at everyone else, you realize that they all got something with vegetables in it, except Connor. He had asked for just a plain burger, nothing but the meat, cheese, and bun. You hadn’t really touched your salad, too consumed by the main item you ordered, so you push the plate towards Connor.

He raises an eyebrow at you, and you just return the eyebrow. “You need to eat Connor, and if you aren’t going to eat your burger, why not eat something healthy? A salad won’t kill you.”

“Not that you know.” You level him with a glare and he turns to Jared, wanting some sort of backup, but even Jared seems to be happy with his nutrient rich lunch. Jared, the boy who could live off of junk food was enjoying something healthy. Vegetables no less. That got Connor’s attention and he considered the salad a little less critically. Looking back at you, he asks quietly, “Is it really that good?”

You nod your head, “It is. It’s nice knowing that you’re putting something good into your body. It might seem like a placebo effect, but it is really helping your immune system and giving your body cleaner energy and stuff. At least give it a try?”

Connor gives you one last look before tentatively digging into the salad. The second the food hits his tongue, his eyes widen in surprise before closing in bliss. He lets out an appreciative moan before opening his eyes once again and consuming the rest of the salad with enthusiasm. You laugh slightly at his fervor, but can’t blame him since the food is heavenly.

When you all are done, even waiting for Connor to finish the spicy chickpea soup he went back and ordered, you decide to get some desert. Heading back to the counter, you browse the selection and ultimately end up splitting a slice of cake with Con. Jared and Evan get some kind of sorbet, while Zoe gets a pastry, and Alana opts for some fudge.

As you eat, sharing bites with Connor, you can’t help but smile at the nice time you had today. You didn’t have to worry about school for a few weeks, and you were able to show your boyfriend that vegetables were actually good. “What are you smiling about?” he asks you, taking another bite of cake.

“Nothing. Just thinking about how we’re totally having our next date here, and have another amazing time.” He rolls his eyes with a smile, and just nods his head. Leaning in, you give him a kiss, enjoying the sweet taste of the cake on his tongue, slightly mixing with the remnant spice from his soup, making it the perfect blend of flavors.

Pulling away after a few seconds, you were really happy that you had come to Vegetals, and couldn’t wait for your next meal in that fresh, healthy atmosphere with the boy you loved.

Tag List: @helplesshansen

#connor murphy x reader #connor murphy fanfiction #connor murphy #connor murphy crack #dear evan hansen x reader #dear evan hansen fanfiction #dear evan hansen reader insert #dear evan hansen crack #deh x reader #deh fanfiction #deh reader insert #deh crack #musical x reader #musical fanfiction #musical reader insert #musical crack #not a request #my writing #I don't even know okay

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