#akjdskjdsjkd whoops

[ohsweetflips]

(do not re/blog please!!!)

(i also mention sexual stuff so like. be warned? i’m literally just word vomiting beneath the cut)

so not to be dramatic for a hot second but this is one of those things where i was like “hmm maybe i can just talk this out with one of my friends and have a listening ear” but that would just divulge into me getting too anxious about. so many things. but, having gone through many (personal) things recently, somehow “realizing that i may have a very complicated relationship with romantic attraction yet also being a lesbian” has. uh. how do you say. really fucked with me.

bc like. idk how to word it. i can get attached/infatuated very easily but also i have. very bad commitment issues? and that makes it very hard to distinguish anything???? and ngl it stresses me out so badly bc like. i’ve been talking to a girl (like texting and stuff) for almost two months and it feels Natural to say “oh yeah i like her i can see this going somewhere i think” but i also am sitting here literally unable to distinguish romantic feelings from friendship and like. i’ve come to the realization that so many of my friends are like “oh you just Know when you have feelings for someone” and maybe i’m just picky or maybe i just need more time or maybe? something else???? like ngl it’s kinda terrifying bc im talking to this girl and it feels Natural and i like talking to her and she’s super fun and nice and we seem to get on well so i’m like “oh yeah i can see myself dating her i think” and, while of course dating is complicated 100x more bc of the pandemic and also just general dorming in college, i feel like if there is something there i should be more Committed? or more definite?? but i literally go in and out of “oh yes this is a crush” and “we’re just talking” and i literally don’t know what i’m supposed to be feeling????? and this is not the first time this has happened??????? like ever since 2017, i feel like i go in this cycle of “infatuated crush ---> get anxious/realize it was just infatuation ---> feel guilty/drown myself in work to make an excuse/brick myself off” and this is the first time in a while that i’m wishy-washy bc i Like talking to her even tho im so bad at texting and im terrified that it’s gonna fuck this up and like i can imagine going on dates with her (this is in a no-covid scenario like yes ik rn it would be very Not Safe to start dating Now) and it feels Natural but i feel like i just can’t get myself to feel that Spark like. i want to! i very much want to! and i feel like maybe i’m just thinking too much into it and i need to also understand that i probably really can’t Know until there’s a meeting in person (which i don’t think that’s gonna happen bc 1. going back to college and 2. most importatly, pandemic) and like people have told me that!!!! that i can’t always just Feel something through a screen and need that in-person contact. but i just keep getting hung up on the fact that i have such a hard time distinguishing from infatuation and a crush/love, and then a crush and friendship. and like it’s stressful!!! bc it really almost feels like natural to say “oh yeah this is a crush” bc 1) it’s been over a month and i haven’t gotten bored/made myself stress ghost and 2) it’s not like the act of dating her is out of the question, and i feel like i Could. but. is there supposed to be a spark??? bc i am literally sitting here and cannot distinguish between crush and friendship, and sometimes i get a pang of “oh yes i am in this for the long run” but is that just infatuation?? or, tbh worse, is that just...... me liking the attention?????????

but then sometimes i just. get a compliment from a separate friend. and i’m suddenly like “oh shit i’m in love with her!!” and then have to deal with whatever those feelings are, even if it’s just infatuation for like 5 hours

(and then there’s the complication bc i know i feel sexual attraction towards women and that just kinda makes my head spin more bc how can i be so sure about that but literally be having an on-going crisis abt romantic attraction)

anyways this is becoming long and ngl im kinda nervous but

tldr: for years, i thought i was just a lesbian who was picky and had commitment issues and now i have had the time to think about my complicated relationship with specifically romantic attraction and now i’m sitting here unable to distinguish my feelings from romantic and just friendship and idk if this is just. a typical experience. or something else. bc the idea of romance/dating isn’t Out Of The Question but i am also terrified and i’m fearing that my “sparks” were just infatuation at the idea of getting attention. but then, the other side of things is that dating and romance doesn’t seem Far Off, i just..... can’t pinpoint what i’m feeling. bc i don’t know!