#aka sticking a jar in and weighing it down

[ego-sum-arbor]

Skull 💚

[rosethornewrites]

Monday’s T & G fics

Here are the fics I read today! Some of these are ones I’m subscribed to (and behind on).

Finished:

Rated T:

Encounter - Grass Butterfly, by ArchiveWriter

LWJ POV - set just after WWX's death and LWJ having suffered his punishment.

Context: Timeline mash-up. In my interpretation of events, Wen Quing and Wen Ning go to Jinlingtai alone; a lynchmob of clansmen led by Jiang Cheng besiege Burial Mounds whilst WWX is away with little Wen Yuan to try and get them back; when he returns, he can only hide the child in the charred tree before flying to face the massed clans in his last battle. LWJ chases after him – trying to find him after learning of the Wen siblings’ fate, he races to the old mountain, finds the child and rescues him to Cloud Recesses, then flies to the battlefield at Nevernight where he defends WWX and injures the elders of his own clan, who on behalf of his brother and uncle try to capture him and whisk him to safety before the clans overwhelm WWX (and potentially LWJ with him), then gets dragged off to Cloud Recesses after WWX jumps off the cliff.

two scheming babies scheme murder, by anxiouswreck0_0 (second in a series)

SangYao get married! Knowing how the last wedding went, how will this one go?

Mourning for Love, by bingolin

Lan Wangji had not thought about him in a while. But all who looked at him could almost see the ghost embracing him from behind and weighing him down- regardless of whether they knew to whom the ghost belonged.

Lan Wangji had not thought about him in a while.

But tonight, he was thinking about him.

Home is in Your Arms, by kitsyu

Lan Wangi is trying to grade papers; his husband is a welcome distraction.

(Just a short bit of post-canon fluff and domestic life in the cloud recesses. Minor spoilers if you squint)

Rated G:

In Which Lan Xichen Finds His Brother’s Behavior Concerning, by AshurbanipalJones

“He drank the wine he drank, suffered the wounds he suffered.”—Módào Zǔshī

But you're somebody else, by hamlets_ghost (second in a series)

Two brothers reunite for the first time after many, many years...

Wei Wuxian's plan for sneaking alcohol into the cloud recess is less than successful

Now I can't stand to be alone, by hamlets_ghost (third in a series)

Wei Wuxian is out night hunting alone and bites off more than he can chew.

Luckily a handsome rogue cultivator comes to his rescue.

Don't need you, by Poitre_4

Prompt: 178. "Don't do it. If you attack now, then I won't be able to keep you safe"

Character: Jin Ling

The Best Medicine, by BaconnEggs

Wei Wuxian knows something is wrong when he wakes up before Lan Wangji does.

It's nine in the morning. Waking up at this time is par for the course for Wei Wuxian, but absolutely unheard of for Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian turns over to look at him, and even in the dim light filtering in from the curtains, the drawn paleness of his skin is hard to miss.Wei Wuxian grazes a tentative hand over Lan Wangji’s forehead and he seems to wince at the touch, face tightening as a low groan escapes his lips. The knuckles of Wei Wuxian’s fingers are met with dry, unpleasant warmth.

A fever.

(AKA Wei Wuxian takes care of a sick Lan Wangji because dammit Lan Wangji deserves to be taken care of and given soup as much as Wei Wuxian does)

Alternate Evil, by enchantingmiranchahalo

Post-canon Wei Wuxian time travels to the moment he's reunited with Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng after the Burial Mounds.

Serial Killer, by nirejseki

“So what are you going to do about it, Xichen?” Jin Guangyao heard Nie Mingjue demanding, and paused, tilting his head to the side to listen rather than proceeding to enter the room.

Nie Mingjue had gotten increasingly irascible as of late, no doubt in large part to the growing influence of the Song of Turmoil that he’d been playing for him, and much of his ire was (correctly, although unknowingly) aimed at Jin Guangyao. It therefore would be better to stay outside and listen, to figure out what argument Nie Mingjue was using and design appropriate countermeasures – to convince Lan Xichen that Nie Mingjue was, as usual, making a fuss when there was no reason, and that it was safe to simply ignore him or downplay his concerns.

“Da-ge…”

“Don’t da-ge me! He’s killing people!”

Jin Guangyao tensed.

intersections, by sasamelons

He had just made it to the streetcar stop when he heard his name being called.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying clattered his way down the street with his hastily-thrown on jacket and wild shoulder-length hair falling out of his ponytail. Lan Zhan had given up on trying to fight his way across the crowd before he left, had only managed to catch Wei Ying’s eye and wave from the other side of the room. His heart sped up at the thought that the other man had run out of the bar to say goodbye.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan,” he said in between pants as he caught his breath. Despite his exhaustion and eagerness to get home only a moment ago, Lan Zhan had the sudden thought that he might be happy to stand on this street corner forever, if Wei Ying kept saying his name like that. “You’re leaving already?”

--

Growing up, at five intersections.

A Game of Chess..., by Ladycroft4evr

Just WangXian hanging out at Cloud Recesses, Life after Yi City... specifically after that insanely adorable bunny lantern/heart eyes at Tanzou market <3

Of course WangXian have a heck of a lot of free time between then and the Epic Confession @ Jinlintai :D So A bored Wei WuXian suggests a game of Chess (Weiqi/Go), small bet between WangXian...juniors make a cameo too lol.. Have fun, folks :)

Unfinished:

Rated T:

I've Heard of Second Chances, but This Is Ridiculous, by velvet_green

One of Wei Wuxian’s experimental talisman arrays sends himself, his husband and his brother to that mythical land of long ago – the Gusu Lan lectures of their youth.

Wei Wuxian is amused. Lan Wangji is silent. Jiang Cheng is angry.

And their younger versions are mostly just very, very confused.

Muted, by Akabara_13

Jiang FengMian thought the boy would talk again once the storm passed, but Madam Yu praised his silence. The boy would not talk to anyone, but his brother and sister.

demons run when a good man goes to war, by Miranda_Aurelia

In their attempt to consolidate power, Wei Wuxian is framed and executed by the Jin Sect.

A pity, because Wei-xiong was possibly the only person that could have stopped Lan Wangji from razing Koi Tower to the ground, thought Nie Huaisang uncharitably. As for him? They really should have left his brother alone.

Serendipity, by midnight_soul

Lan Wangji is tired of his family’s passive-aggressive persistence in his love life. He will not go on another blind date; the first two times were disastrous enough.

Wei Wuxian has had enough of his family telling him no one would want to stick with him, no one decent at least.

One trying to live his life peacefully and another wanting to prove his family wrong, how can their plan fail? They’re practically meant for each other.

Decay exists as an extinct form of life., by Amanie

Wei wuxian dies after years with the people he loved.

And then he woke up.

——

A jar of emperor’s smile crashed to the ground.

And Wei Wuxian screamed.

“How do you kill an immortal?”

Rated G:

The Undesirable Son, by FragranceLotion97

Wei Wuxian has been living with his Master, Baoshan Sanren, ever since his parents died at a Night Hunt when he was ten years old. Years later, his Master sends him off to join the lecture in Cloud Recesses for a special secret mission to save the entire Cultivation World from the heinous dictator, Wen Ruohan.

Wei Wuxian's journey in finding the real meaning of family and love in Cloud Recesses.

Patriarch, by nilavu

In which Hanguang-jun sends a letter to the Yiling Patriarch inviting him to Jin Rulan's one-month celebration and receives a surprising letter back.

[ottelis]

"I gave you my life, Eliott," Lucas's voice shatters, splinters.

Eliott replies softly, broken, hollow, "And I gave you mine."

"No," Lucas says, low and dark. "No, you didn't."

.

.

aka: eliott and lucas grow up together, but are separated when eliott is institutionalized in paris after a severe depressive episode. they reunite two years later when eliott is released, but everything has already changed before their eyes.

epigraph. i. ii. iii. iv. v. vi. vii.

07—lead, kindly light

tw: discussions of manic and depressive episodes, electroshock therapy, suicide, and death

july 22nd, 1968

17:23

caen, france

~

The flash of memories subsides, and Lucas and Eliott both exhale. Lucas stands by the door anxiously, expectantly. He's trapping his hand again, his left over his right, squeezing tightly. Two years ago, Lucas would've been staring down at the floor, only looking up when Eliott says something. Now, he's holding Eliott's gaze, a vulnerable yet firm look in his eyes. He isn't leaving until Eliott gives him an answer, a reply.

Eliott considers for a moment, the weight on both his and Lucas's shoulders suddenly starting to weigh on him. This needs to happen. They need to talk. But it isn't going to be easy. Eliott can already feel a lump start to form in his throat. His stomach is already starting to tie itself in a knot. And who knows how Lucas feels in this moment? Eliott is ready, but that doesn't mean he's nervous for what might be said, what might be felt, what might happen between the two of them. He doesn't know what rewards or curses lie waiting once they run out of words to say, but he doesn't know how much longer he can hold back his own words. Maybe he'll get what he wants. Maybe everything will go back to normal. Maybe he can spend the rest of this awful day repairing things, healing. And maybe he can do it with Lucas. Maybe they can try; patiently, gently.

Eliott nods, exhaling slowly. "I'm ready, too."

Lucas smiles delicately, his hands falling to his sides. "Good."

"Um, I can make us tea if you want," Eliott offers awkwardly, a poor attempt at starting to try to make things normal again.

But Lucas's smile widens, his teeth starting to peek through. "That sounds good."

Eliott can't help but smile back, too, the slight ache it brings to his cheeks sweet and familiar. "We can sit at the dining table," he invites, gesturing towards it.

Lucas nods, following Eliott into the kitchen and sitting down in Eliott's usual seat. Eliott gets the kettle started, realizing that he's trying to buy himself time so he can figure out where to start. He's afraid to turn around as he turns on the burner, afraid to see the look on his face, afraid to hear what he says if he decides to speak first.

"How's Chloé?" he decides to ask, half-desperate. He turns around, and Lucas isn't looking him in the eye. He's staring down at his lap, his lips quivering as they try to find the right words. 

"She's good," he finally responds as he looks up, half-smiling. "Maman is going to take her shopping for her dress next week, I think. She wants to find her perfect dress as soon as she can."

"And how's your maman?" Eliott asks, carefully walking over to the table. He decides to sit in his father's chair, but it doesn't feel cold and empty like it usually does. Eliott hopes his father is smiling down on him now, giving him strength and guidance like he always would when he was alive. He breathes a quiet sigh of relief as he waits for Lucas's answer.

"She's been doing a lot better," Lucas nods, his smile a little more genuine now. "I think all the wedding planning is getting her really excited and happy. She loves Chloé. She talks about how she can't wait for her to be her daughter," he chuckles lightly, then. But then his lower jaw starts to stick out like it does when he's about to cry. "I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. I think the last time was before Papa left. I can't even quite remember."

Eliott wants to reach out and place his hand on Lucas's shoulder, or on his knee, but he's afraid of crossing a line that didn't exist before; a line he's tempted to say was drawn in blood. He offers Lucas a gentle, kind smile instead, and pretends that the tears in Lucas's eyes don't slowly chip away at his heart until it's a shattered piece of marble. "I'm happy that she's doing better."

"I am, too," Lucas replies, his smile wobbling. He takes a deep breath, shakes his head slightly. "How's your maman?" he asks, sitting up in his chair a little.

"She's worried about me," Eliott replies, shrugging. "But she's patient. And she loves me more than either of us could ever understand. She knows I'll be okay, she just worries about how much I may have to suffer to get better again."

The corner of Lucas's mouth quirks up, but there's guilt in his eyes, just barely etched into the lines of his face. Eliott feels it echo and settle in his own stomach, weighing it down and wringing it out. He both wants and doesn't want Lucas to say anything else, or look him in the eye again, or to have him so close to him. He wants everything and nothing from him, and he's afraid to let it show.

Thankfully, the kettle whistles and Eliott practically jumps from his seat, quickly taking it off the heat. Neither of them says a word as Eliott gets cups from the counter and places teabags inside. The only sound is the boiling water singing as it splashes against the ceramic sides of the cups, filling them both quickly. Eliott grabs the small jar of sugar, too, out of habit, remembering Lucas always stirs an unholy amount of it into his tea.

Lucas gives Eliott a half-smile and a nod as he takes his cup, his smile widening when he sees the sugar. He starts pouring in spoonful after spoonful, and Eliott tries to bite back a smile, stifle a chuckle. But inside, his heart tightens, squeezes as it realizes this is one of the only times Eliott has felt he's recognized Lucas since he came home.

"It's nice to know something hasn't changed," Eliott decides to say, a low and quiet note of sadness in his voice he didn't intend to let escape.

Lucas looks up then, a thin, bittersweet smile on his face. But he looks back down again quickly, maintaining his smile but letting his shoulders tense, his breath shake. Lucas has always been good at that; not letting his smile fade even when the rest of his body starts to betray him. Eliott feels another twinge, another plunge of something he can only call mourning.

"We were bound to change, Eliott," Lucas begins, his smile finally but slowly fading. "We weren't going to be 17 forever. We were bound to grow up someday."

"I don't think we were meant to grow up like this," Eliott replies, shaking his head. "I thought we were meant to grow up and grow old together. Like we said that day. I never thought growing up for us would mean growing apart, too."

Lucas takes a nervous, ginger sip of his tea, his fingers curling a little too tightly around his cup. "I don't think I did either," he agrees quietly, putting his cup down on the table. He starts squeezing his hand again, massaging his knuckles. "Back then, I didn't know where I ended and you began, but I didn't mind. I thought we were immeasurable."

"We thought we were immeasurable," Eliott replies, his voice wistful yet despondent. "We could have been."

"I know," Lucas nods. But he shrugs, shakes his head. "But we ruined it."

"You especially, Lucas," Eliott reminds him, his voice a little firmer now. He didn't intend for the thought to spill out, but he doesn't back down. "I know what I did. I was hurting, and I didn't want to hurt anymore, so I made a choice. It was a permanent choice, and I knew that. It was the wrong choice, and I didn't know that then. So I chose to take my own life. But then you stopped me. I heard your voice and I saw your silhouette on the shore and I made a different choice. I chose life. I chose you. And I thought you'd chosen me, too. But you hadn't."

Stubbornness flashes across Lucas's face, darkens it, but after a moment, guilt replaces it, darkens it even more. Eliott persists, but not from anger or desperation. He's exhausted and confused and he doesn't want to be anymore. He's tired of blaming himself for everything when Lucas has so much to answer for. Eliott isn't completely innocent, but neither is Lucas. He's ready to admit that now.

"You lied to me for two years, Lucas," he says, the word "lied" feeling so right on his tongue.

"I didn't lie to you," Lucas denies weakly, his voice thin, panicked, breaking.

"You told me you didn't love me," Eliott cuts in, his voice becoming cold. "You told me you've been mad at me for two years. Why did you ever respond to my letters, then? Why did you write me telling me that you were happy that I was alive, and that you loved me so much you couldn't breathe? Aren't those lies?"

"They're not lies," Lucas persists, any shred of hope beginning to fade from his eyes.

"How could they not be?" Eliott asks helplessly, trying to hold back the frustration swelling in his chest. "Those letters saved me so many times in that institution. I could just look at your handwriting and it made me feel better than any medicine or shocks they gave me could. I had to hide all of them in my pillowcase and I hated it because I wanted to show them off to everyone there and talk about how I found my cure. You understand why it would hurt to be told that everything you told me in those letters isn't true?" 

"It was all true," Lucas replies, his voice firmer, kinder. 

"Look me in the eye," Eliott says, pushing down the hope beginning to spark in his chest. "And tell me the letters weren't lies." 

"None of those letters were lies, Eliott," Lucas swears slowly, choking on Eliott's name. His eyes are soft, vulnerable. The blue in them seems to call out to Eliott, reach out to him. "I was mad at you at first. Angrier than I've ever been before. I thought you were selfish. I thought this was all a punishment from God and that He was telling me that I needed to let you go. I was almost ready to never say your name again. I was almost ready to throw away all your pictures and tear all the bad poems I wrote about you to pieces. I was ready. But then I got your first letter and I could tell how much you regretted what you tried to do. I could feel all your pain. And then the letters kept coming and you talked about how much you loved me and how you couldn't wait to see me and kiss me again. I felt so terrible. I felt terrible ever thinking that you were selfish or that you wanted to hurt me…" he pauses, taking a deep breath. He starts to smile, but his lips tremble. He finally declares, "And I still loved you." 

There are tears in Lucas's eyes, and his hands are shaking badly. In a way, he's reminding Eliott of the Lucas that sat in his room over two years ago that finally admitted what he held in his heart. That Lucas was in a stalemate; if he didn't say something, he would implode. But he would explode if he did say something, too. This Lucas is stuck in the same rut. Choke or cough? Implode or explode? But both of these Lucases are passionate. Both would rather die loudly with no regrets than pass away quietly in darkness, in secrecy. 

"Even when I was so angry I could barely feel anything else, I loved you," Lucas continues, stumbling over his words. "Even when I felt like everything was my fault, I loved you. Even when I thought that we were being punished for our sins, I couldn't help but love you still. I loved you with everything inside of me and the only way I could express it was through all the letters. Everything that I hid inside I let out on the paper. Eliott, I—" he lets out a slow, shaky sigh. He shakes his head, looking up at Eliott with fear and knowing in his eyes. "I love you."

Eliott is speechless, his heart hammering quickly yet weakly in his chest. He only has more questions now, a thousand running through his mind before it can find an answer. All he can do is watch Lucas's eyes become darker and bleaker with fear and worry. Lucas presses his lips together, a tear starting to roll down his cheek. He's completely helpless, and Eliott doesn't know if he can help him. He wants to, but he isn't ready. Not yet.

"You're not making sense, Lucas," Eliott replies fraily. 

"I love you," Lucas repeats, his voice shattering, desperate. "I love you and—"

"That's not what I need to hear right now, Lucas," Eliott interrupts, shaking his head. "I need answers. We need answers."

Lucas nods, quickly wiping away his tears. "Okay. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Eliott replies, still tempted to reach out and touch him and comfort him. 

"Ask me anything," Lucas proposes, taking a deep breath. "We could try that?"

"Okay," Eliott agrees, nodding. He takes a deep breath, deciding to ask the first question that comes to his mind. The question that's always been in the back of his mind, that keeps reminding him of a horrible, horrible memory. "Why did you say all those things when I came home? Why did you say that I didn't love you because I tried to kill myself?"

Lucas immediately looks down at his lap, biting his lip. Eliott feels the slightest twinge of regret, but then he remembers his heart stopping the second those words left Lucas's mouth. He remembers that seed of guilt and how Lucas kept pouring water and sunlight over it until its bloom closed up Eliott's throat. 

"You caught me completely off guard that day, Eliott," Lucas sighs, rubbing his hands together anxiously. "I hadn't seen your face in two years, or your smile for that matter. And when I saw you, I couldn't stop replaying our last two days together. All those old feelings came up, and I realized that they never went away, I just swallowed them down. I distracted myself by remembering how we used to be, and pretending that we were in some romance novel or movie as I wrote letters to you, that we were star-crossed lovers destined to meet again. But I didn't think we'd see each other so soon. Everything came bubbling up and you were pretending like nothing ever happened and you tried to kiss me… And I lost it. I couldn't control myself. I wish I could take back every single word I said that day but I can't. Especially… what you mentioned. I know you love me, Eliott. I never thought I'd doubt it but I did, and the doubt ran deeper than I thought. And I let it get to me. I let it hurt you. I hurt you."

Eliott decides not to ask any follow-up questions. He lets his mind process and digest Lucas's words before it comes up with another question.

"Why have you been ignoring me ever since?" Eliott asks. "Why haven't you tried to talk to me before?"

"I really wasn't ready, Eliott," Lucas admits, shaking his head lightly. "I felt so guilty about everything I said to you. And before, when we only talked through our letters, there was almost a disconnect there. I couldn't actually hear your voice or see your face when I read them, so I think I built up this fantasy of you. Then, suddenly you were real again. Everything that happened was real again. I couldn't handle it. The memories were too much. The memories were continuing now. Our story, ourselves were continuing. I realized that these past two years have felt like some sort of pause, like a dream. I was dreaming all this time and I saw your face and I woke up. I remembered what real life was like and I wasn't ready for it."

"Why are you talking now? Today?" Eliott asks quietly, knowing he might strike a small nerve.

Lucas sighs, starting to bite his nails. "I read your letter over and over, and I kept reliving that night over and over again. I couldn't help but remember everything I did wrong. I did do everything wrong. I reacted poorly, my thoughts were in the wrong place, I rewrote your motives to fit my own narrative, to make myself the good guy, maybe even the hero when you were the one who lost your best friend. You lost so much more than I ever did and I thought you were selfish. I thought that I wasn't enough for you, but if I was you could've just let me go. I could've stayed dead and if I wasn't enough you wouldn't have cared. But you did. You cared too much and I didn't take the time to make sure you were taken care of, too. I was the one who was selfish. There was so much during those two days that was out of my control but there was even more that I did have control over. I could've stayed awake and held you in my arms in the hospital that night until you fell asleep and I knew that you were safe. But I didn't. I could've done so much more for you but I didn't. I decided that I wasn't going to leave you in the dark anymore. I wasn't going to leave you alone anymore. I knew I needed to be there for you now, and tell you everything I knew, give you the answers you needed. I've been more than unfair to you, and I needed to make things right again. That's why I'm here. That's why I chose now. This is one of the darkest days and I wanted to be there for you for once. I wanted you to have one day where you could have a bit of light to fight against the darkness."

"You couldn't help it before, though, Lucas," Eliott reassures him with a gentle smile. He remembers this same day last year, and he has his next question, afraid of Lucas's next answer, too. "What was the anniversary like for you last year? How did you deal with it?"

"I didn't," Lucas chuckles humorlessly. He sighs, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "Word got around fast when everything happened. And, when the anniversary came around, everyone kept asking me if I was okay, if you were doing okay. It was exhausting to lie and say that everything was fine when all I wanted was to be with you. I didn't want to feel alone while those days went by. But I was. Maman was there, but not in the way that I needed her to be. I thought about getting on a train so I could see you, but I wasn't ready then, either. I ended up visiting your papa's grave, actually. I didn't really say anything to him, just hoped that he was watching over you and making sure that you didn't feel alone. I remember going home and playing 'Lead, Kindly Light' on my piano a few times, just because seeing your papa made me remember his funeral and my hands remembered the melody. Those few days were dark, lonely. I didn't even care when the anniversary of my drowning came. I just kept dreading what would come two days later. Even now. Yesterday, the day before… Everything's reminded me of you."

A familiar weight sinks into Eliott's chest at the mention of the hymn. He hears the melody in his mind, hears both his father's voice and Lucas's, hears Lucas's piano playing. He can almost see it; Lucas's living room tainted with shadows and the bittersweet notes leaking from Lucas's memory. He can see Lucas's back hunched, his hands curled and shaking, his eyes hooded and glassy. He can hear Lucas humming along, too, but his voice is deep and quiet like a distant rumble of thunder. He doesn't know why the image is so clear, so real—familiar. He pushes the image away, focusing on Lucas again. He seems lost in thought, in memory, too. He has that faraway look he always gets, but it's darker, deeper. Eliott doesn't want Lucas getting too deep into his own mind, but he's unsure about the best way to coax him out.

Eliott carefully reaches out and places his hand on Lucas's knee, his skin warm but trembling. Lucas tenses, nearly jumps, but sighs, almost in relief. The smallest smile appears on his face, and the faintest shred of light returns to his eyes. He places his hand on top of Eliott's, and his heart swells, spills open.

"A year ago," he begins, his voice already thick with tears. "They had given me more shocks, and I couldn't get the taste of blood and metal out of my mouth but the rest of me was numb. I was locked in my room, and it was dark. Dark enough that I couldn't look at your picture or read your letters. I could tell my mind was thinking about you, but I couldn't reach my own thoughts. I couldn't pluck them down and examine them and remember you like I would when I needed comfort. It was like I was chasing your shadow, but every time I got close it disappeared or the light shifted. I was completely numb to everything. And I hated being numb because that meant I couldn't try to make myself feel better. You were my cure in there, Lucas. You were my medicine, my shocks, my locked rooms and straitjackets. You were everything I needed. But when they gave me shocks, I didn't have you anymore. They would take you away. You'd be gone, and I had no idea how to get you back."

"How many times did they give you shocks?" Lucas asks quietly, running his thumb over Eliott's knuckles.

"I couldn't ever keep count," Eliott shrugs. "It was whenever medicines didn't work. Or whenever I was having an episode and they didn't know how else to control me. Especially when I was in a mania. It meant that I was crazy and they had a reason to strap me down and put the bit in my mouth and pull the switch. They took every chance they could, really."

"Did they give everyone shocks?" Lucas asks, his body beginning to visibly shake.

Eliott nods, feeling tears roll down his cheeks. "At least once. I don't know how they found time for it, honestly. There were so many people there. Men and women. Mothers and fathers. Brothers and sisters. There… There were people like us—" Eliott notices Lucas tensing, remembers the conversation they had at Lucas's birthday party. He shakes his head quickly, stuttering. "I mean… people like me there, too."

"Queers?" Lucas asks quietly, the word strangled in his throat. 

Eliott nods weakly. "A lot of them. I wanted to talk to some of them, but I didn't know what they would do to me if they found out I was queer, too. I was already considered a 'more severe' case, I didn't want to risk making things worse for myself."

Lucas has tears in his eyes now, too. "Would they have given you more shocks? That's… what they do to people like you, right?"

It takes almost every mite of Eliott's strength to pretend that hearing "people like you" didn't gut him like a fish, and Lucas seems to be none the wiser. Eliott sighs, letting his fingers dig the slightest bit deeper into Lucas's skin. "You know what they do to queers, Lucas."

Lucas bites his lip, bowing his head. Eliott sees him nod once, weakly. His lips tremble as he asks another question, "Did they really think the shocks worked?"

"Making us better was never the goal for them," Eliott shrugs, hearing his voice become hoarse. "It was about control. It was about making sure we didn't feel anything so we wouldn't lash out or think for ourselves or someone else. Of course, most of the time the fog from the shocks would fade eventually, but the more shocks they gave you, the harder it was to get back to normal. There were people there who were admitted years ago and it was like they weren't even people anymore. Their eyes were always glazed over and they never really talked. They were like ghosts. You didn't want to become like one of them, but it was out of your control. No matter how much you fought back, they had all these restraints and ways to keep you from succeeding. Every time they took me back to the shock rooms I was afraid that this time would be the time I became a ghost. I was afraid they would shock away my love for you like they did with the other queers there. I was afraid that with every jerk of my body I was losing another piece of you, another piece of myself. It was hell, Lucas. I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy to spend a day in that place."

"Why didn't you ever tell me any of that?" Lucas asks, tears streaming down his face. "In your letters?"

"I wasn't going to scare you like that," Eliott shakes his head, placing his other hand on top of Lucas's. "And the letters were sort of an escape for me, too. When I wrote to you, I imagined we were sitting on the beach or in my room and we were just talking. And I would try and hear your voice responding to what I was writing. I… At the time, I couldn't imagine telling you the smallest portion of what I was going through and seeing every day. In my mind, you were always smiling and your eyes were always sparkling, and I couldn't take that away from you because then I'd be taking it away from myself. It was more selfish than anything, just pretending that nothing was happening and keeping you in ignorance, but it was what I needed. I needed this stagnant, ever joyful Lucas in my mind to talk to, but you're not like that. You never have been. You're sensitive and temperamental and opinionated and that wasn't what I needed. I needed stability, and you were my stability. Your name always on the tip of my tongue and your voice always in the back of my mind. Just… your presence. But you weren't there. I had to fill you in somehow. I needed you so desperately I took any scrap of you that I could and nurtured it. I found scraps in your letters, and I made up this slightly alternate version of you. And it was all I had to hold onto, really. I guess when I came home I expected that dream of you to be there, not the real you. It was like what you said. I was dreaming and then suddenly I was waking up in a cold sweat. But it wasn't fair of me to expect so much of you."

"No, Eliott," Lucas sighs, his face pulled taut and his eyes squeezed shut. He exhales slowly, opening his eyes. He looks so vulnerable. "All I had to do when you came home was the bare minimum. Hug you, congratulate you on getting better, invite you inside so we can catch up. I wasn't angry because you wanted me to be this big romantic like I was in my letters. I was angry because you showed up out of nowhere and you were in my life again and I didn't know what my life was anymore. I let my anger get the best of me like I always do. I had hidden so much inside and suddenly it was bursting and spilling out and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was suddenly so afraid again and I took it out on you. You wanted so little and I couldn't even give you that, Eliott. I've been so caught up in myself. I keep thinking you deserve to spit in my face and tell me you never want to see me again. But I also keep hoping with everything inside of me that you won't. I'm wanting you to forgive me so it'll make me feel better. Not so that you can have peace. Not so you can heal. Not so you can feel like a human being again and stand in the sunlight and smile again. I'm so selfish. What kind of person thinks something like that? How can I keep hurting you like this and be okay with it? Because at least I'm not hurting myself, too? Because then maybe you'd understand the pain you put me through that night?"

"I didn't want to hurt you," Eliott chokes out, his chest tight, his stomach in a knot.

"But you did, Eliott," Lucas sobs, yanking his hand away. He starts squeezing it in his other hand, shaking his head as tears stream in rivers down my face. "You did hurt me, and I don't know if it's fair or not for me to say that, but you did. I mean, was I not allowed to be hurt when I almost lost you? Or when people started asking me about what happened to you all the time and spreading rumors about us? Or when people started whispering about you and calling you these horrible names? Was I not allowed to be hurt by all of that?"

"Lucas—" Eliott begins, his heart aching and burning in his chest.

"I wouldn't have been able to bury you," Lucas continues, not hearing Eliott say his name. "I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to you. I'd never be able to do it. Not the way it could've happened. I wouldn't have been able to live through it, live with it. The only way I could lose you is when we're old and gray and you die peaceful and happy and I'm only steps behind you. I thank God that I didn't lose you that day, but in a way, I did. I was left to pick up both of our pieces. And I had to do it alone. And I felt like I dropped our pieces again whenever someone reminded me of what happened. Some of them would get carried away by the wind or find places to hide and I had to find all of them all over again. But I wasn't allowed to cry about any of it. I wasn't allowed to mourn. People kept saying how strong I was but all I wanted to do was scream and cry and crumble and fall apart—"

"Lucas," Eliott repeats a little louder, taking Lucas's face in his hands. Lucas's skin is warm but wet with tears. He's trembling. His tears start to dry, though, and his eyes widen, soften as they focus on Eliott. "Of course you can hurt," Eliott begins, his voice quiet and kind now. "You hurt more far than you deserve. Your shoulders bear far too much weight. Your heart is far too torn and burnt. And it loves far too much."

"Yours, too," Lucas nods weakly, smiles sadly. "I think you have the strongest heart, Eliott. Not strong in the way that it beats so hard and so fast it's powerful and can handle anything thrown at it. It's strong in the sense that it's loyal, firm. It's true. It loves because it knows that's the only way it can survive. It knows that that's the reason why it exists. You were born to love, Eliott. I should've known how lucky I was to be loved by you."

Eliott smiles back, his lower lip trembling. Carefully, he rests his forehead against Lucas's. Eliott smiles a little wider as he realizes that Lucas's skin is still the softest thing he's ever touched. It's nice, too, that Lucas doesn't tense or pull away. "We've both been through so much," Eliott whispers fondly. "We can't stop now. We can still be immeasurable."

"I think so," Lucas whispers back, his smile spreading into his voice. "We can start over."

"No," Eliott replies quietly, thoughtfully. "I think looking over our shoulder occasionally could do us some good. We just need to keep our eyes forward more often than behind, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lucas agrees, rubbing his nose lightly against Eliott's. "I've missed this. Being close to you."

Eliott is sure Lucas can feel the heat from the blush that's starting to burn in his cheeks. He tries to push it away, knowing that they can't be close like that anymore, but his heart still warms at the thought of Lucas being a breath, a blink away once again. "I've missed this, too," Eliott grins. "I've missed you."

Eliott pulls away slightly, lifting his head to press his lips against Lucas's forehead. Lucas sighs, almost chuckles, wrapping his arms around Eliott. His embrace is strong, warm, familiar. Eliott melts into it, burying his face in Lucas's shoulder. He still smells like the salty air that settles like a fog over the town, and a deluge of memories washes over Eliott. Bitter and sweet, cold and warm. The first time they kissed; when Eliott lied with Lucas in his hospital bed, waiting for him to fall asleep. The countless nights they fell asleep in each other's arms; when they kissed for the last time, the waves waiting Eliott to lose his grip on Lucas. For now, Eliott focuses on the sweet, the warm, focuses on Lucas's weight leaning against him and holding him up. For now, he focuses on this moment, and the knowledge that this is neither a first nor a last. This is somewhere in the middle, somewhere in between. This is another step forward, another minute ticking by.

"Minute by minute," Eliott whispers, holding Lucas a little tighter. "We'll take this minute by minute. Hours and days and months and years can be so long. But we can take this minute by minute."

"Lucas and Eliott," Lucas replies, wistful and sweet, tearful. "Minute by minute."

[missguomeiyun]

the classic: napa cabbage kimchi

I wanted to post this as its own post but I actually made this on the same day as the radish kimchi. I had all the necessary materials out anyway so I just was like, “let’s do it! Why not?” It saves a 2nd round of cleaning :P

Once again, I used Maangchi’s recipe as a guideline - mainly for the procedural steps.

I didn’t weigh how much this was . .. but I took half of a small-ish napa cabbage & halved that. Without washing it, put in a large bowl of water to soften up the leaves. This was interesting though bcos I used the core part only lol so there wasn’t much leaves portion.

Next, sprinkle salt between leaves. Again, this was slightly awkward bcos it was difficult to open the cabbage at its core :P but I tried my best & also sprinkled some salt on the outside too. Leave for 1.5 hrs, giving it a turn every 30mins or so.

Make the sauce again. Yes, I used the same bowl as the radish kimchi (just wiped it down a little haha). All the same stuff, including: green onion, garlic, ginger, chili powder, & fish sauce. The only new thing is the addition of carrots, which I’ve cut into match-stick size.

Mix everything.. . There is a little more liquid here than you’d expect bcos there was water content with my frozen green onions.

The cabbage shrunk so much!! So now, after 1.5 hrs, you rinse the cabbage to eliminate the salt & dirt. Thankfully, bcos I used the core, there wasn’t much ‘dirt’ (that I could see visually, anyway).

Drain & let it dry. I used a towel to wipe it a bit so it would dry faster.

Combine with the sauce: carefully scoop some of the sauce in between each leaf. This was the most challenging part, in my opinion. If I had a bigger cabbage & actual leaves to work with .. . different story! But you know what I mean?

No suitable container.......... As long as it’s air-tight, I think it’s ok. I used a pasta sauce jar. Remember to press the cabbage down as much as possible, to get rid of any air bubbles.

The jar was clearly too big after I pressed everything down, but oh well.. . *fingers crossed*

........ leave at cool room temperature. [I left it in my basement with the radish kimchi jars.]

Okay, so I opened my radish kimchi first & tried it at 48 hrs & 72 hrs (72 hrs MUCH better!). I knew it worked lol so I left my cabbage kimchi for longer. You’re supposed to see gas bubbles forming on top of the whole mixture, but I didn’t see any. I didn’t see any in my radish kimchi either .. . Anyway, I decided to let my cabbage kimchi sit for 5 days.

Here is what it looked like at day 5. The cabbage has gotten “lower”, meaning that it has softened up significantly so it’s going towards bottom of my jar. No gas bubbles seen, & the amount of liquid content went up. The liquid content, aka the kimchi juice, has gotten more rich in colour, & also more murky. No weird/questionable floaties, but just .. . more deepened colour & denser consistency.

I opened the jar & immediately, there was a loud-ish zzzzzzp, like a quieter form of opening a bottle of pop. HURRAYYY! That means fermentation occurred as it should & there was gas formation :D !! Super happy haha

Took out 1 piece of cabbage. The colour looked great. The leaves were obviously more stained than the core / head portion bcos that end sat in the kimchi juice. Surprisingly, despite being the cabbage core, the whole piece turned out to be soft.

Flavour was good! I didn’t think it was spicy enough; it’s more salty in comparison, but my mom really liked it bcos she thinks the store-bought ones are too spicy. Nonetheless, I was happy with the flavour; had a nice sourness to it, & it was refreshing! The carrot though. .. no. Just no. Partially my fault bcos looking back, they’re too thick. The carrot barely softened up.. . so it was like soft cabbage with some al dente carrot pieces. Overall, I was super satisfied with how this turned out =] I CAN MAKE MY OWN KIMCHI NOW!!!!

& now, onto evening shift.. . *waves*

[amatchgirl]

Top 10 Baking Tips

With a video tutorial and in-depth descriptions, learn about my top 10 baking tips and why each are crucial to the success of your next baking adventure.

With every recipe I publish, my goal is to help you become a better and more confident baker. Baking from scratch doesn’t have to be intimidating or difficult. Let’s reverse that connotation and put the FUN back into our kitchens. Dirty mixing bowls and all!

I’ve Made the Mistakes: As a cookbook author, home baker, and food blogger, I’ve made THOUSANDS of mistakes in the kitchen and here’s what I’ve learned along the way.

Top 10 Baking Tips

Give the video right below this text a few seconds to load. It’s a faded horizontal image of me. Click on the play button in the center to play it. Make sure any ad blockers are temporarily paused on your browser.

Let’s dive into the baking tips a little further.

1. Always Have the Correct Butter Consistency

Butter is the starting point for an immense amount of baked goods, so it’s important to have it prepped as the recipe suggests. The temperature of butter can dramatically affect the texture of baked goods. There are three different consistencies of butter that baking recipes typically call for: softened, chilled (or frozen like in scones), and melted.

Most recipes calling for butter call for room temperature/softened butter. Room temperature butter is actually cool to touch, not warm. When you press it, your finger will make an indent. Your finger won’t sink down into the butter, nor will your finger slide all around. To get that perfect consistency and temperature, leave butter out on the counter for around 1 hour prior to beginning your recipe.

Chilled butter is butter that has been well chilled in the refrigerator or freezer so that it does not melt during mixing. This helps create flaky pockets in recipes like pie crust, scones, and biscuits.

Unless otherwise noted, melted butter should be liquified and lukewarm. If melted butter is too hot, it can cook the eggs in your batter. I prefer to use melted butter in brownies and my chewy chocolate chip cookies.

Short on time? Soften butter to room temperature quickly with this trick!

Further Reading: Here’s What Room Temperature Butter Really Means

  2. Room Temperature is KEY

Speaking of temperature, if a recipe calls for room temperature eggs or any dairy ingredients such as milk or yogurt, make sure you follow suit. Recipes don’t just do that for fun– room temperature ingredients emulsify much easier into batter, which creates a uniform texture throughout your baked good. Think of cold, hard butter. It’s impossible to cream cold butter into a soft consistency necessary for some recipes. Same goes for eggs– they add much more volume to the batter when they’re at room temperature.

So yes, temperature is imperative. There’s legitimate science involved!

3. Read the Recipe Before Beginning

I feel silly typing this, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a complete recipe disaster because I didn’t realize a certain step was coming up. Reading ahead will help you know the how, why, where, and when of what you are about to do. It will take you 1-5 minutes and could save you from wasting your ingredients (and money!) on a failed recipe.

4. Always Have Ingredients Prepped

Measure your ingredients before starting a recipe. Read through the ingredients, then get them prepared on your counter. There’s very little room for error when you begin recipes this way; you’re not scrambling and rushing during the recipe process.

And avoid making ingredient substitutions. Remember, baking is chemistry. Make the recipe as written first then if you feel confident, make substitutions as you see fit.

5. Learn How to Measure

This is actually one of the most important baking tips on this page. As you know, baking is science. Excellent baking requires precise ratios, proven techniques, and well-tested recipes. Unlike cooking, you can’t just bake something by throwing some ingredients together, mess it up, then eat it anyway. (Well, most of the time you can’t!)

One of the most crucial baking tips is measuring ingredients properly.

Problems are common if measurements are incorrect. Having a firm grasp of measuring techniques is essential.

Measure dry ingredients in measuring cups or spoons because these are specially designed for dry ingredients. Spoon and level (aka “spoon and sweep”) your dry ingredients. This means that you should use a spoon to fill the cup and level it off. This is especially important with flour. Scooping flour (or any dry ingredient) packs that ingredient down and you could be left with up to 150% more than what’s actually needed. A recipe calling for 1 cup of flour and baked with 2 or more cups instead will surely result in a fail. And a rather dry baked good!

And for liquid ingredients, use clear liquid measuring cups.

Further Reading: Measuring is Everything

6. Weigh Your Ingredients

A small kitchen scale is priceless! It is, by far, the most used tool in my kitchen. A gram or ounce is always a gram or an ounce, but a cup isn’t always a cup. This is why I offer gram measurements with my recipes. Again, precision is everything.

7. Get an Oven Thermometer

I use my ovens so much that the temperatures are sometimes off. Yes, the actual oven temperature can be much higher or lower than what the controller says. I’ve worked with 6 different sets of ovens in the past 10 years (all different brands) and after a period of time, each have been slightly off.

No ovens are safe from this!

Use an oven thermometer. Place it in the center of your oven. Some hang from the racks or can be placed directly on the bottom of the oven. While inexpensive, they’re irreplaceable in a baker’s kitchen. Place it in your oven so you always know the actual temperature.

Unless you have a brand new or regularly calibrated oven, your oven’s temperature is likely inaccurate. When you set your oven to 350°F, it might not really be 350°F inside. It could only be off by a little – 10 degrees – or more – 100 degrees! Do you know what that will do to your cookies, cinnamon rolls, and cakes? While this might not seem like a big deal to you, it is a LOADED problem for baked goods.

An inaccurate oven can ruin your baked goods, the hours spent on the recipe, the money spent on ingredients, and leave you hungry for dessert.

If you use a convection oven, reduce the oven temperature by 25°F. Best to reduce the baking time as well. Your eyes are the best tools for determining when a baked good is done.

I just saved a cake from a baking fail last week using my oven thermometer!

8. Keep Your Oven Door Closed

You now know how the oven’s temperature can ruin a recipe. But what can completely throw off the oven temperature is constantly opening and closing the oven door to peek inside. I know you’re excited about what’s baking! It’s so tempting to keep the oven ajar to see your cake rising, cookies baking, and cupcakes puffing up. But doing so can let cool air in, which interrupts the baked good from cooking and/or rising properly.

Rely on the light feature in your oven if it has one.

If you need to test your cakes for doneness with a toothpick, do so quickly. Remove it from the oven, close the oven immediately, test for doneness, then put it back in as quickly as you can if more oven time is required.

9. Chill Your Cookie Dough

Chilling cookie dough in the refrigerator firms it up, decreasing the possibility of over-spreading. Chilling cookie dough not only ensures a thicker, more solid cookie but an enhanced flavor as well. Not only this, cold cookie dough is much easier to handle and shape. In soft chocolate chip cookies, for example, it helps develops a heightened buttery, caramel-y flavor. After chilling, let your cookie dough sit at room temperature for about 10 minutes (or more, depending how long the dough has chilled) before rolling into balls and baking. Sometimes after refrigeration, cookie dough can be too hard to roll/handle.

If a recipe calls for chilling the cookie dough, don’t skip that step.

If a recipe yields super sticky cookie dough, chill it before rolling and baking.

This tip is so important that I wrote a separate post about it!

Further Reading: 10 Guaranteed Tips to Prevent Your Cookies from Spreading

Don’t Have Time? Here are my No Chill Cookie Recipes

10. Here is my Cookie Trick

Last baking tip and it’s all about cookies. To keep leftover cookies extra soft, store them with a piece of bread. Have you heard of this before? If storing cookies in a container or cookie jar, stick a regular piece of bread in there as well. The cookies will absorb all of the bread’s moisture, leaving the bread hard and the cookies extra soft. And they’ll stay soft FOR DAYS!

Pictured Below: Salted Caramel Pecan Chocolate Chip Cookies

When it comes to baking, it pays off to be a perfectionist. Hopefully these baking tips will help bring you the recipe success and kitchen confidence you crave.

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[howellrichard]

Creamy Vegan Pasta Salad (Perfect for Summer!)

Hiya Gorgeous!

Here in the US, we’re about to celebrate one of the biggest holidays of the season—the Fourth of July. That means fireworks (don’t forget to care for your fur pals who might be afraid of the loud noises!), swimming, parades and extra time with the people we love most. And did I mention food? Cookouts/barbecues/feasts of all kinds, here we come!

Pasta salad is a must-have for any summer gathering, but it’s often heavy and laden with not-so-healthy ingredients. I believe that comfort food can be satisfying, indulgent, delicious AND great for you… and this Creamy Vegan Pasta Salad from my Test Kitchen is proof!

It’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a vegan pasta salad and more…

Packed with fresh veggies

Indulgent but won’t weigh you down

Perfect for meal prep or a make-ahead dish

A crowd-pleaser

Gluten-free, and can be made nut and night-shade free

Easy to make

Creamy and smoky

Fresh and summery

Loaded with plant-powered nutrients (more deets in a bit!)

Cheesy (sans the dairy)

And cool with a kick!

Here are some of the superstar ingredients in today’s recipe:

Chickpea pasta: Who says pasta can’t pack a protein punch?! We used Banza’s rotini, which has a whopping 14 g of protein in each 2-oz serving. You should be able to find Banza at your local health food store (especially at a place like Whole Foods), or you can order it in bulk here. This stuff makes a fabulous pantry staple!

Jicama: I was so excited when the Test Kitchen Tuesday crew suggested we feature this starchy root veggie in our vegan pasta salad recipe! Jicama was originally grown in Mexico, and it’s mild, subtly sweet flavor make it super versatile. It’s full of antioxidants like vitamins C and E, selenium and beta-carotene. Plus it contains inulin, a prebiotic fiber that’s good for your gut!

Corn: This gorgeous veggie has gotten a bad rap because of how it’s often farmed here in the states, but corn has a lot of nutritional value (not to mention flavor!) to offer. Just make sure to opt for the organic, non-GMO variety. Sweet corn is a good source of folate, potassium and lots of other wonderful nutrients.

Roasted red pepper: Red bell peppers aren’t just beautiful, they’re also great for you! They’re one of the richest dietary sources of vitamin C, which plays an important role in iron absorption, immune function and many other bodily functions. And roasting bell peppers is one of my favorite ways to eat them because it brings out their natural sweetness and adds a touch of smoky depth—the perfect addition to our vegan pasta salad!

Comfort food can be satisfying, indulgent, delicious AND great for you… and this #TestKitchenTuesday Creamy Vegan Pasta Salad is proof! Get the recipe!

And here’s my favorite part about this scrumptious recipe: It was inspired by elote, aka Mexican street corn. If you’re not familiar with elote, it’s a whole ear of corn grilled, covered with toppings like butter, chili powder, mayo and cotija cheese, and served on a stick (source). Some of those ingredients aren’t so Crazy Sexy friendly (though I have seen plant-based versions available at some restaurants—yay!). But we love the smokey, summery flavor profile of elote, so the Test Kitchen Tuesday team and I dreamed up this tantalizing twist!

Without further ado, let’s get to cookin’, good lookin’!

Creamy Vegan Pasta Salad

Serves 8 (about 1 cup per serving) | Prep time: 15 min | Cook time: 30 min

Pasta Salad Ingredients: 8 oz (224 g) gluten-free chickpea rotini pasta 3 tsp oil, divided 4 ears non-GMO corn (about 2 cups or 270 g kernels) 1 large red bell pepper 1 cup (180 g) halved cherry tomatoes 1 cup (120 g) chopped jicama or radishes 1 Hass avocado, chopped ¼ cup (4 g) chopped fresh cilantro 2 green onions, thinly sliced ½ fresh jalapeño, minced (optional)

Cashew Crema Dressing Ingredients: ¾ cup (90 g) raw cashew pieces, soaked, drained and rinsed 2 Tbsp nutritional yeast 1 garlic clove 2 Tbsp lime juice (about 2 fresh limes) ½ cup (120 ml) water ½ tsp smoked paprika 1 tsp salt ¼ tsp black pepper

Instructions: 1. Prepare pasta according to package directions. Strain, rinse with cold water until completely cool and thoroughly drain.

2. Preheat oven to 425°F (220°C). On a baking sheet coated with 2 tsp oil, place ears of corn, husked and cleaned. On a separate baking sheet coated with 1 tsp oil, place red bell pepper. Roast for 30 min, rotating vegetables halfway through, until lightly charred all over.

3. While the vegetables roast and pasta cooks, prepare Cashew Crema Dressing. In a blender, combine all dressing ingredients and purée on high speed until completely smooth. Set aside.

4. Place roasted pepper in a paper bag and seal the top by rolling it closed. Let steam for 15 min before peeling the skin, removing the seeds and roughly chopping.

5. Using a serrated knife, slice kernels off each corn cob.

6. In a large bowl, combine pasta with corn, roasted pepper, tomatoes, jicama or radishes, avocado, cilantro, green onions and jalapeño (if using). Toss together with the dressing and serve immediately.

Notes: Storage tip: Keep in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.

Simplify this recipe: Substitute ¾ cup vegan mayonnaise (such as Earth Balance’s Mindful Dressing and Sandwich Spread) or plain, unsweetened vegan yogurt (such as Kite Hill’s Plain Unsweetened Almond Milk Yogurt) instead of soaked cashews and water. Use frozen roasted corn and jarred roasted red pepper instead of roasting them yourself.

Make it nut-free: Substitute raw, shelled sunflower seeds for the cashews.

Make it nightshade-free: Substitute lightly steamed chunks of zucchini for the tomatoes. Opt for radishes instead of jicama.

Make-ahead tip: Store the salad and dressing separately, mixing together just before serving. You may need to add an extra splash of water to blend smoothly. Keep uncut avocado separate to avoid browning, chop and add to salad just before serving.

Nut soak note: If you have a high-speed blender, you can skip soaking your nuts or seeds. If you don’t have a high-speed blender, you can either soak your nuts or seeds in water for 4 hr, or you can do a “quick soak” by covering them with water in a pot and bringing it to a boil. Once the water boils, remove them from the heat and let them sit for an hour.

Calling all recipe lovers!

Whenever I ask this incredible community what kind of content you want to see more of, one of the top responses is always (without fail)… MORE RECIPES! I love that you enjoy playing in the kitchen as much as I do. After all, preparing tasty, nutritious home cooked meals for yourself is one of the greatest acts of self-love.

My Crazy Sexy Recipe Club is the place to be for exclusive recipes, cooking tips, and other free goodies that’ll help you make your time in the kitchen simpler and more fun. And I’m excited to announce that my team and I are cooking up some really exciting stuff for the Recipe Club, which is coming your way soon. So if you haven’t yet, now is the time to become a member! Trust me, you’re not gonna want to miss this.

Become a Crazy Sexy Recipe club member + get your free Recipe Club Starter Pack:

Hungry yet? Me too! Let’s see that vegan pasta salad!

Before it gets gobbled up (and it will!), I’d love to see your cheffy skills! Snap a pic of your very own vegan pasta salad and share it on Instagram or Facebook with #TestKitchenTuesday. Don’t forget to tag me at @crazysexykris—I’ll share my faves with our spectacular community!

And finally, a very special thanks to the incredible Hannah Kaminsky of Bittersweet Blog and the rest of the Test Kitchen Tuesday crew for helping to create this spectacular dish!

Peace & pastabilities,

The post Creamy Vegan Pasta Salad (Perfect for Summer!) appeared first on KrisCarr.com.