#aka im trying to find employment and figure out what im ment to do but i cant find any work i could do and my brain is like yo

[natduskfall]

Kinda afraid to post this but fuck it i hope there will not be consequences.

Why do I feel like what I truly am meant to do in life is art?

Art doesn’t come easy to me. I hate drawing. I hate painting. I hate anything I create. Nothing is ever good enough. It takes me 12 hours to just sketch an idea, and even so the sketch is messy with unfinished parts. I never know how to approach any idea, or how to continue on the sketch. I struggle to imagine anything. I depend on references. I cannot draw anything without references. I cannot think of situations, scenarios, poses, angles. I will freeze and go into a loop when I have to sketch a background. And then I give up. A part of me wants so much to create. I tried quitting art so many times, but it would never last, and I always come back. I dread making art, and I tend to avoid drawing on every occasion, which in turn makes me feel depressed because “I should be drawing”. I keep thinking about applying for art education or art courses, but I also think I don’t have what it takes.

But it wasn’t always like this. When I was a child, I would draw for hours until I couldn’t bend my fingers. I would finish whole pieces in one sitting. I was capable of experimenting, relying on my intuition, coming up with poses or scenarios, and even coming up with backgrounds. I felt good with my art. Yes, I knew I needed to improve, and that my art was not very good when compared to older artists, but for me, it was enough. I couldn’t really show my art to my family members or peers, and online it never got any interaction, but I felt fulfilled. 

Things only started changing when I ended primary education, and went to secondary school. I started feeling like I don’t draw enough, and what I draw is uninspired and badly executed. I struggled to find joy in creating. I would compare my art to my classmate, and to my mutuals online, and I felt hopelessness and despair.

Even so, when I look back at the works I did in that time, they still feel so much more original, fleshed out, inspired, and spontaneous then what I’m doing now.

And I find myself desperate to find answers to what changed. How do I go back. Is there a way for me to get better? Can I get my spark back? Is there perhaps some therapy aimed at artists? Would art education help me? Do I need to work on my technique, the fundamentals, or do I need to work on my mental health, my relationship with art? What do I do?