#aka dysphoria go ahhhhhh

[kairithemang0]

chat i transed too hard and now im sad

[bloomburnburial]

the fcking emotional gymnastics i’m going thru trying to keep my medical/psychiatric trauma in check while i’m forced to rely on, and perform for, the very systems that traumatized me so that i can access gender-affirming care i’m like one sneeze away from losing my mind and i’m terrified! and i’m hyperaware of the fact that because of my psych history i’m at a high risk of my “care team”(TM) at best not believing me and at worst using it as “evidence” for a new diagnosis (and not “merely” gender dysphoria) because i’m painfully aware that to an outsider my “identity issues” look as though they’re coming out of left-field when in fact i’ve kept them buried since i was seven because i was already Too Different in ways i couldn’t control and figured that i could at least smother the aspects of myself that i “should” be able to control (aka queer stuff) in order to make seeking care for things out of my control (aka disability stuff) slightly less traumatizing (didn’t work!) and i can feel myself losing it! i am losing it and it feels like it’s my fault because i’m so used to going the path of least resistance (=self-hatred) to maintain some kind of a status quo, to give people as little ammunition as possible when accusing me of madness and i hate it all. i hate that i still feel betrayed, even though i see things differently now and know that the system was just doing what it’s designed to do. i still feel betrayed. maybe by myself for believing it could help me. but i was a child when i got in. i’m just grateful that a small part of me knew to rebel back then (by lying and being a Good Patient, as opposed to Being Honest) because if i had told the truth about this or any number of things i would be far worse off than i am now. AHHHHHH.