#ahhh im so fucking tired all the fucking time nowadays

[whatsk-poppinhomies]

Pairing : idol!Kim Seungmin x F!Reader TW : pregnancy ; unmentioned pregnancy complications ; Seungmin is a jerk ; Changbin is a really good friend ; general angst ; Word Count : 2.9k Request : AHHH THANK YOU!! im happy that you like my request🥺🥺🥺🤍 hm bang chan would be good! he’s my bias after all HAHHAH buttt honestly speaking, i’d more than love to read about seungmin’s, minho’s or felix’s too <3 take your time!!! A/N : Finally making Seungmins in the angsty skz dad series!! (If you all want to read for anymore of the members, let me know!!)

There was a distance growing between you and Seungmin, one that you attributed to his busy schedule and his lack of adequate sleep, the constant practice and promotions, it had taken a toll on him and it looked as though it were slowly starting to take a toll on the relationship as well. 

That’s why the little stick that you held in your hand felt more like a saving grace, it was something that would save your relationship, it would bring Seungmin closer to you. The both of you had talked occasionally about starting a family together in the future, and while it wasn’t that far off in the future, you felt like things would be okay. You loved each other, that’s what mattered. You hoped that maybe he’d get a couple days off to spend with you while you both processed the news together and started to plan things out, you were really hoping for that. 

He walked through the front door and before you could even open your mouth to say hi, he was walking to the bedroom. “Min!” You called out to him, and you heard the heavy sigh escape him before he turned around to face you, leaning against the wall and staring at you with no expression at all. “Aren’t you hungry? Have you eaten yet?” It wasn’t what was originally supposed to be said, but the way he was looking at you had you backing down almost instantly. 

“I ate with Hyunjin and Chan before I came home. I’m fine.” He grumbled, turning back around to go into the room, but you called for him again, desperate to hold his attention just a little longer, at least long enough to get out what you needed to say. “What? I’m really tired, Y/N, just say it.” 

He was so short fused nowadays, you weren’t sure what happened today that had him so annoyed, but you were hoping that the announcement would have him softening up. “I’m pregnant, Min…” You whispered, and even under his cold gaze, you couldn’t ward off the smile that crept to your lips and tugged at the corners. 

“Congratulations.” He mumbled, and your smile slowly dropped as you took a step closer to him, his lack of emotion was absolutely terrifying right now to you. “Did you tell Changbin already?” The question had you pausing, your head tilting to the side, wondering why he was brought up right now. “I’ll congratulate him tomorrow too.” 

“Wh-What are you talking about?” You quizzed, grabbing onto his shirt to keep him from walking away. “Seungmin stop!” You pleaded when he tried to pull away, your eyes already welling with tears as you tugged against his shirt once more. “What are you talking about… seriously…” You tried not to whine, but you couldn’t help it. This was supposed to be a special moment, but it was all spiraling down and you didn’t even understand why. 

“Stop fucking pretending just once!” He said sternly, grabbing your hand, and although his anger was palpable, his touch was still gentle as he moved your hand off of him. “I know what’s going on, and I thought that maybe, just maybe you’d finally be honest. I guess not.” He huffed, running his hand through his hair as he back stepped away from you. “I see the way you are together… I’m not stupid… I didn’t say anything… Because he’s my hyung and I tried to ignore it but…” His teeth gritted together as his eyes squeezed shut, his cheeks and his nose turning red as he tried to hold back his tears. “But I can’t ignore this… I fucking can’t.” 

You weren’t even given a chance to deny it as he brushed past you, heading right back out the door he had just come through. How could he think… How could he assume such a thing? You were devastated, you were furious, and now you were alone… Left on your own to raise a baby that you thought would put all the pieces back together. You just didn’t know how scattered those pieces were. 

///

Work was beyond awkward and the tension was excruciating for all the other members who had not a single idea about what was going on. The only person who thought he knew what was going on was Seungmin, but his frame of thought couldn’t be further from the truth. It didn’t help though that after he had walked out, you had called none other than Changbin to come over and talk to you. 

Bin was one of your best friends, and apparently that meant that the two of you were together, even though most of your conversations with him before all of this happened had been about Seungmin. Hell, even now your conversations were about Seungmin because you couldn’t stop thinking about him, especially now that his child was growing inside of you. 

Changbin knew what was really going on, and he was absolutely livid. He wanted to talk to Seungmin, but you were adamant that he didn’t. Seungmin would either figure shit out on his own and come around, or he just wouldn’t, and you knew that Changbin coming to him would only make things worse. 

“Did you eat today?” Changbin called as he walked through the front door, carrying a bag of take out in one arm as he pushed the door shut with his other. “I hope you didn’t because I got a bunch of your favorites and we’re gonna chow down!” He cheered, kicking off his shoes and running over to the couch where you were sitting. 

“Did you bring that one drink from the office? You know the one you had yesterday that you told me not to drink but I took a little sip and it was really good so I finished it and then told you that it spilled because you were wondering where it was?” You rambled on, taking a deep breath once you had finished the question, your smile so sweet as your hands clasped in front of you, but Changbins eyes went wide as he stared at you. 

“You drank it?” He squeaked, his bottom lip jutting out as he playfully pouted. You quickly apologized and his pout quickly faded, turning into a bright smile, pulling you into a hug. “It’s alright shmooks, big boy is just like his dad and can’t go without his americano.” 

At the mention of your son's father your shoulders slumped, your throat tightening. Any mention of Seungmin had you on the verge of tears, and Changbin quickly shook his head, running his hands up and down your arms to try to calm you. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have brought him up…” He quickly stated, his face getting closer to yours to make sure that no tears had formed yet. “I’ll bring you home one of the drinks tomorrow… Let’s just forget all about this, eat all of this very yummy and very expensive food, and we can rewatch your favorite movie for the fifth time in a row this week.” 

You snorted softly, rolling your eyes at the number he had given as you lightly pushed against him. “It hasn’t been five times… It’s like… Seven. And I’m going for eight, so pass me the remote and I’ll get it started up. Remember, take your bathroom break now because I hate pausing it.” 

“Pfft!” Changbin sounded, grabbing the bags of take out off the coffee table and placing them on the couch between the both of your legs. “Says the one who has to pause the movie every fifteen minutes to run to the bathroom.” He teased, and you quickly forgot about the Seungmin comment, mainly because you had to keep swatting Changbins hand out of your bag to stop him from stealing your fries. Having Changbin around was a nice way to forget about what a mess your life was right now. He was the greatest friend, he was like a brother to you, and you were thankful that even though you and Seungmin were on the outs, Changbin had decided to stay in your corner, to help you get through this time. 

///

“You never talk about Y/N…” Hyunjin said, the comment coming from seemingly nowhere, he himself came from out of nowhere as Seungmin made his way to the small cafe in the office, trying his best to avoid Hyunjins prying comments. “I haven’t heard you even mention her the past six months… That’s crazy… I haven’t seen her at the dorms either.” Hyunjin paused for a moment, and Seungmin quickly picked up his speed, hoping that he’d get away from his hyung before any more questions were asked, but Hyunjin started sprinting to catch up. “Don’t tell me you guys broke up… You two were the cutest! Oh man… No wonder you haven’t been smiling as much… Dammit. What happened?” 

“Oh my god!” Seungmin groaned loudly, coming to a sudden halt to whip around and face Hyunjin. “We broke up! Yes! I’m sure it was a mutual agreement considering she’s pregnant… And the kid isn’t mine… It’s Changbins and I wasn’t going to keep pretending that everything was okay and be a father to a kid that isn’t mine. Okay?! Does that answer all of your questions?!” He took a deep breath, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants as he started walking again, feeling Hyunjins presence right behind him, clearly following him still. “Look, I don’t care if you follow me… Just… Don’t bring her up. It still hurts to talk about her.” 

Hyunjin nodded slowly, but he was quiet, too quiet, and Seungmin knew that the silence meant that he was thinking, and he seemed like he was thinking a little bit too hard. His tongue clicked against the roof of his mouth as he shook his head. “It just doesn’t make any sense… I know you don’t want to talk about her but… She just doesn’t seem like she’d do something like that to you, and I know Changbin wouldn’t do that.” The last thing Seungmin wanted to hear were excuses made to make you and Changbin seem innocent, especially from someone who didn’t even know the full story. “Seriously! Seungmin, listen!” 

“No, I don’t think I want to.” Seungmin muttered, walking as fast as he could down the hall, but Hyunjin wasn’t the best at taking hints, especially when he felt like he had something to say. “For the love of god, will you stop! You of all people would know considering you live in the same dorm as him. She was always over there! Stop trying to protect them!” 

“You’re right! I do know, because I do live in the same dorm!” Hyunjin retorted, keeping up the same pace as Seungmin, completely passing by the cafe, now wandering aimlessly through the halls as they argued. “She came over all the time to talk to him about you! The last couple times she sounded upset… Saying that it seemed like you were pulling away and she didn’t know why… And Changbin told her that it was probably just the stress from getting ready for the comeback. They were like siblings, we couldn’t get them to shut up… And the very last time… Oh my god, it’s all adding up now!” Hyunjins eyes went wide and his mouth fell open, his hands gripping onto Seungmins shoulders. “The last time she came over, she was asking Changbin about how he thought you’d react if she told you she was pregnant. She said she wasn’t sure yet if she was… But Changbin said that you’d be excited… And she said… She said she’d take a test the next morning… And I haven’t… Seen her since… Oh… My… GOD! You idiot!” 

Why would Hyunjin lie? He had no reason to… He would gain absolutely nothing if he helped fix the relationship… That’s how Seungmin knew he was being honest. “Oh… Shit, what do I do? You’re a romantic guy, come on, help me out!” Now he was panicking. He didn’t know the first thing to do, especially considering he had been actively ignoring you for six excruciatingly long months. 

“Dude… This is way different than forgetting a birthday or an anniversary… You denied your child and then, on top of that, accused her of cheating and claimed the baby was someone else’s, and not just any someone… But one of the other guys! You can’t just buy her roses and be like sorry! This requires communication.” Hyunjin patted Seungmins shoulder with gritted teeth, wincing ever so slightly. “Good luck.” 

///

Changbin stood in your kitchen, your apron wrapped around his waist as he worked on making lunch for you. Neither he, nor you, were expecting any guests, which is why he was so confused when he heard the rapid knock at the door. It was probably another package, you did enjoy doing online shopping for the baby when you couldn’t sleep at night, and the delivery man probably knocked so hard to get someone’s attention. It was about to rain, and a soaking package was the absolute worst. 

He didn’t bother to take off the apron as he rushed to the door and threw it open, his hands already outstretched to receive the package, but all he got was the view of a very nervous Seungmin. “So… This is… Where you’ve been all week…?” Seungmin questioned as he looked Changbin over, eyeing the pink ruffled apron before moving his eyes back up to meet his hyungs. 

“Yes. I’ve been helping her, and I know what you’ve been thinking this entire time, and I just want you to know that you’re wrong. I might be able to be cordial with you while we’re working… But I’m pissed…” Changbin said, flexing his muscles in the doorway as if to block Seungmin from getting inside. “You need to go now, she doesn’t need this kind of stress.” 

Seungmin refused to move though, he refused to leave, standing like a statue on the front porch as he glared at his hyung. “What are you? Her dad? Just move, she’s carrying my kid, I have the right to see her.” He tried to push past Changbin, but it proved pointless against the much stronger man who simply pushed him back with a sarcastic chuckle. 

“Oh, so now you accept the fact that it’s your kid.” Changbin snarkily retorted, closing the front door as softly as he could behind him before leading Seungmin off the porch to stand in the middle of the yard. “You don’t even know what she’s having. You don’t know what her number one craving was during the entire pregnancy. You don’t know how much she cried… How much she still cries over you… You don’t know anything and now you just decide to come back six months later? You’re a little too late, Seungmin.” 

“Why…? Why am I late?” It was a question that Changbin hadn’t been expecting, but Seungmin needed answers, he needed any and every answer he could get right now. “Are you two… Together? Is that what happened? Is that what this is? Huh?!” His voice was gradually growing louder, and Changbins hand shot out to cover Seungmins mouth, much to the younger man's surprise. 

“See, that’s your problem. Even now, you just can’t let it go.” Even though his voice sounded calm, his physical demeanor showed just how stressed, just how angry he was. “You’re like my brother, I’d never do something like that to you… And she’s literally like my sister… I love her and I care about her… And I care about the baby… Which is why I can’t let you in right now. She’s not doing well, and she can’t handle the stress.” 

As if on queue, dark clouds rolled in across the sky, completely blocking the sun as the rain started to come down. It didn’t even start as a drizzle, it went from clear skies to a complete downpour in an instant. “What do you mean she’s not doing well? Just… tell me that much… Please… Is she going to be okay? Will the baby be okay?” 

“I wish you cared this much six months ago…” Changbin muttered, running his hand through his rain soaked hair as he sighed heavily. “I have to make her lunch… I’ll tell you about it later, I’ll call you.” And it wasn’t like he was being given any other options, his only choice was to go back home and wait for Changbins call. He just had one more question. 

“Hyung…” Seungmin called out as Changbin walked up the stairs, causing him to stop at the center of the porch, not even turning around. “Is it a girl or a boy…?” 

“It’s a boy…” Changbin answered softly, the answer being carried to Seungmin through the wind that whipped around him from the storm. He said nothing else as he went back inside, leaving Seungmin to stand alone in the center of the yard. 

A son. He had always wanted a boy, he had talked about it with you before during one of your late night conversations when the two of you were barely even conscious, but his mind had run wild with dreams of the future, of holding his son for the first time, teaching his boy to play baseball in the park and taking him to baseball games to cheer for his favorite team. Now those dreams were as dark and hazy as the clouds that hung above him. All he could do now was wait, wait for a call, wait for an answer… Wait for you just as you had been waiting for him. 

[reds-writings]

i love your blog more than i’ve loved anything on earth before.. can you maybe write something about 1995 rust and reader working a late night together and taking an awkward and romantically charged truck ride to the bar together?? oh im a fool for some good old yearning. hope you’re doing well i love what ya do

ahhh! thank you so much! i too love some good ol' yearning so i whipped some up quick! enjoy, darlin! (this takes place in the middle of the first of many and the start of something new and jj)

“We oughta call it a night.” Your voice rang out in the empty space of the precinct. It had to be bordering nine thirty and your body was begging for release from your hunched-over position, having been pouring over a surplus of articles for the past couple of hours. The slope of Rust’s shoulders jerked slightly as if forgetting where he was or that you had decided to hang back with him in the first place.

“Time is it?” He rumbled out, using the heel of his palm to rub at a tired eye. 

“9:37. You good to drop me off still?” You replied after a quick glance at your wrist. Your truck was still in the shop but you couldn’t complain much if it meant being around Rust a little extra. 

“Don’t worry about it. Sleep decides when it wants to find me. Even then it never really takes hold.” The casual admittance threaded with his perplexing way of describing what troubles him would never fail to bewilder you. 

“Well…if you ain’t sleepin’ anytime soon could you be persuaded to stop for a drink on the way back? My treat.” 

Rust had the humor to snort, a sharp and haughty sound, “If the company you keep makes a lady pay then they’re shit.” 

“The company I keep mostly nowadays consists of Marty and the feral cat taking up residence in my yard every now and then.” 

“Therein lies the problem.”

‘He likes to be spoiled. What can you do.” You shrugged playfully while beginning to gather your things. 

“The cat or Marty?” That finally made you shoot out a laugh and he squashed down the distant desire to preen at your amusement. 

Not fun outside of parties. Fuck you, Marty. 

“We’ll grab a drink or two.” He relinquished. You pumped a fist in the air in a small celebration of victory with a hushed hiss of a ‘yes!’ The day was long and you could use a beer paired with the continued company of the wiry enigma. 

As you mosied over to his truck and hopped in you batted your lashes in what dramatic fashion you could muster through your fatigue, “Free drinks and the voluntary companionship of Mr. Cohle? Gee, did I strike lucky-”

“I don't recall sayin' free.” He lit a cigarette with one hand and began to steer out of the lot with the other. It was concerning how such a mundane act could start to get you all hot and bothered. 

“With you stickin' your nose in my business about what friends I do and don’t have they became free, I believe there was the implication of mighty disdain towards makin’ a lady pay.” A dainty finger wagged in his direction.

“I wasn’t aware I was in the presence of a lady-” The swat of your quick hand at his arm served as an interruption to his bullshitting. He was funny. When he wanted to be. Maybe not hardly ever but sometimes the mood struck whenever the stars decided to align just right. You thought it foolish to think the odds were specifically in your favor during moments like these but seeing him even a little bit at ease couldn’t hold you back from running right into the arms of said foolishness itself. Marty would dub you delusional. He could also kiss your ass.

Plain and simple.

“Because of your outright boorishness, I will be demanding some top-shelf finery tonight.” You half-sassed while he blew smoke from his sloped nose at your theatrics. The way you could go from suppressed and professional to the feisty spitfire sitting beside him now would soon throw him on his ass sooner than preferred. His liability to stop it was growing weaker with each car ride despite everything in his mind screaming to bring it to a severe halt. He wanted you far away from him but wanted you in constant proximity a hairsbreadth more.

“Low shelf. Maybe.”

“Top or bust. Consider it initiation as my new form of company. Just how it goes, friend.” You jokingly admonished and it was considered final.

Friend. He detested the warmth that took siege over his being.

[pizzapizzadickz]

Haaah. If yesterday is anything to base things off of I shouldnt use my headphones today bc my neck is fucked.

[siredsong]

5, 6, 7, 10, 25! 100w min answers please u___u*

SMASHHHH hi hi hi love uuu babyyyyy <3  😘😘😘ahhhhh sorry for taking so long, pls dont die on me !!! 

5. Favorite meal: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

hmmmm that’s a tough one cause it really depends on the day but in general i would say breakfast cause it’s the only time i can make my basic peanut butter and banana toast with coffee in peace. no but the way that i lIVED off of pb and banana toast with coffee last fall, it was my go to breakfast every. single. day. and im still not tired of it!! if u havent tried it pls do (only if ur not allergic and if u are i am so utterly sorry that u are missing out on one of the greatest creations in existence but im sure there is a substitute that u can indulge in instead :) )

6. Most embarrassing habit?

to be completely honest i have no clue. im self aware about a lot of things but when it comes to habits i just dont really notice them. i mean one thing that might count is that i am or was an avid nail biter :/ but it was something that i worked really hard on overcoming and it’s working at the moment!! my nails are pretty long right now but it’s an ongoing process cause right when i start feeling bored or particularly anxious i’ll start biting them again and the process continues. now that i think about it, it’s always when im studying or taking a test that i really start to bite my nails and i let myself do it cause it’s something i can control i guess?? whereas the difficulty of the material or question is not something i can control ..... hmm interesting thoughts, will ponder on that more later 

LMAO not me getting all deep about nail biting pLS 😭 

7. Chocolate or fruity candy?

ahhh this is easy, chocolate all day every day!! i will admit that i definitely love fruity candy like i will suck on jolly ranchers and lollipops all day especially if that lollipop is named kim ta- but if i was given the choice between gummy bears and a twix im tAKING THE TWIX NO ONE COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY TWIX no but seriously i throw hands with my siblings on the daily for dairy milk and kinder buenos but those bITCHES STILL DECIDE TO TRY ME >:( fair warning: don’t come between leeba and her chocolate 🙂

10. Best thing to say in an elevator of strangers?

alright let’s put my awkward, lowkey socially anxious mind to the test. what to say to a stranger on an elevator bESIDES staring at the doors willing them to open so i can get the hell out of there?? uhhhhh if i was the most confident version of myself and this stranger was hot as hell i would flirt the hELL out of my 2 minutes with them lmaoo probably start off by complimenting them in some way like “wow, i really like ur shoes” or maybe even a “ur face is pretty and im feeling hot right now together we’d be pretty hot, wanna makeout??” jokes jokes this is a jOKE do not actually try this!!!  .......aCTUALLY you know what, it’s ur life, u do u boo but dont call me when u possibly, potentially, probably get arrested 😳

no but seriously i always like complimenting people, so i’d prob just compliment something about their outfit or hair and nowadays a lot of people tend to have pretty masks too so i compliment those as well :)  

wait- 

damn i just reread the question and it says strangerS. pLURAL. 

fuck. i just wrote down my best debatable content and i didnt even properly answer the question😭😭😭 gahhhh ummmm if there was more than one person i’d prob talk about uhhhhhh ..... the weather ??? i dONT FUCKING KNOW IM TOO AWKWARD FOR THAT SHIT in reality i’d probably back myself up into a corner and stare at the door until i get to my floor and then gET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE im not cut out for the randomly conversing with a group strangers kinda shit. now if there was someone else with me that’d be a different story and something we shall ponder later cause this shit is getting too fucking long and no one cares HAHA ok 

25. Favorite memory?

hmmmm that’s pretty hard since when it comes to stuff about myself i have a shit memory LOL buttt something that comes to mind right away is the first time i ever rode in my friend’s car. god it was such a nice day and she’s the kind of person who likes windows down and music blasting and honestly it felt like such a movie moment like one of those cheesy coming of age films where they’re in college and getting that first taste of freedom because it was quite literally that first taste of freedom for me. we drove around so much that day, until it got really dark and she just kept playing the best music and we were singing so loudly and being so fucking annoying but i didn’t give a single shit i was having the time of my life lMAO and my hand was out of the window doing those little hands waves things through the air that was whooshing past and my friend who was sitting in the backseat told me later on that throughout the time we were in the car she was just staring at the little hand waves that i was making cause of how cool they looked lol but yea that was such a good day and i even made a playlist of all of the songs that we listened to so whenever we’re in the car we listen to those songs and gAH honestly one of the best memories and listening to those songs makes me smile so hard cause of how free and happy i felt those couple hours 

gosh not me getting sappy on main :/ forget u read that :p 

ANYWAYS THERE U GO U LITTLE IMPATIENT ASS i hope u liked this, my love :) 

send me a number ask game lovelies

[bts-write]

I fucking care- Murphamy Oneshot

A/N: Ahhh I finally finished this!!! For some reason it took a lot longer than I thought it would. I’m disappointed that it’s only my second fanfic for Pride Month but I’m just doing my best. I guess starting halfway through June because of exams slowed me down a bit XD.

Summary: IM SO BAD AT SUMMARIES UGH idk basically they’re all chilling in space (John and co. after Praimfaya- so it’s set after season 4 and before season 5) and John lowkey fancies Bellamy but of course he doesn’t even wanna admit it to himself but he kinda gives himself away cos he does something really cute and Bell is like omg does he like me and he lowkey confronts John about what he did and well...feelings come out and shit is revealed and it’s gay angst so yeah! (I was way too tired whilst writing this intro don’t judge me)

Requested by @bunker-boyfriends

The window looked out on emptiness. Distant stars, a distant Earth. It drove John crazy, being locked in space, the same people day in and day out, no way to escape the fact that he was just another broken light in the circuit of the Ring. There were no distractions. No job that he was good at. And now, no hand to hold his own, no one to whisper reassuringly.

He felt his mood darken further when he saw Harper touch Monty’s arm, drawing him closer, their bodies locking in an embrace. It made him feel colder, as if there was nothing separating him from the icy vacuum outside the window. He tried to turn back to it, to look at the stars instead, but the pain demanded to be felt.

Someone walked to his side and still, John couldn’t tear his eyes away. But then the voice brought more pain, and his eyes moved greedily to look.

“Hey”, Bellamy had greeted.

It had been one word, yet it had hurt more than any happy kisses shared by giggling couples.

“Don’t you have some minor problem to fix? Some decision to discuss with Raven?”

He didn’t want to push him away, but it was instinct. An instinct that had grown into his skin in the past years, an inborn illness magnified by the lethargy of space. There was not enough self esteem for him to face the shining heroes of the Ark.

“Or maybe you need to show off in front of Echo for a bit. She’s so whipped. Go on, lead her on a bit more.”

Bellamy nodded to himself, accepting John’s taunts. There was no point in trying to stop the sharp remarks. But it hurt nevertheless, seeing John punish himself by pushing them all away.

“I’ve made my feelings clear to Echo. Whatever she felt, it’s gone.”

John scoffed. The memory of Echo sauntering around Bellamy, trying to catch his eye, was still bitterly sharp in his mind. It didn’t matter that Bellamy hadn’t felt the same. It had turned John’s blood to fire, seeing them practice together, Echo oblivious to her failure, smirking and purring whenever she pinned Bellamy down. Sometimes it had seemed dangerously close, the possibility of a new couple on the Ring, ready to fill the void left by John and Emori.

And even though he’d had no right, he’d also felt himself scowling whenever Emori found solace in Raven’s company. John had been full to the brim with jealousy, bitter and unexplained, sometimes spilling from his eyes at night, more often, through sharp words from his mouth. He’d pushed them all away, to see if they cared enough to come back. Maybe he’d pushed too far.

“Murphy, I’m not here to talk about Echo.”, Bellamy brought John back, words so tired and listless, John stopped himself. He stopped whatever avalanche of insults was ready to pour out and drown the tired man beside him.

Bellamy hesitated. “I asked Monty about my rations from last week. Why he was giving me more food than he should. And he said someone was giving up theirs.”

John’s heart jumped into his throat. He tried to shrug. “I’m not surprised, the algae soup doesn’t exactly boost appetite.”

“He wouldn’t tell me who it was, when I asked him.”, Bellamy continued, trying to catch John’s eye. “But I heard Raven talking to you the other day. Something about food rations.”

John remembered Bellamy’s bedridden week, and the constant anger, like a squeezed fist around his heart, loosened a little. He remembered the worried glances, the tense silence spreading through the Ring. The half-hearted suggestions of remedies for the coughs and headaches. But they were no doctors. The best they could manage were the sympathetic looks, and that wasn’t enough.

John had taken his suggestion to Raven, but she’d thrown it back in his face in a panic. They couldn’t risk more people getting ill. John should stay away and keep eating and let them handle this.

It had hurt. He’d thought that for once, he might have an useful idea. Raven had snatched that away. But why shouldn’t he try? Apparently the best he could do to help was stay away. So surely they wouldn’t miss him if something happened to him. It would be worth it to help Bellamy. They needed him more than they needed John.

“Talking to me? More like screaming in my face.”, John answered, swerving around Bellamy’s silent question. But then the question ceased to be silent.

“It was you, wasn’t it? You told Monty to give me your rations because I was ill.”

John tried to swallow, but his throat had an invisible grip around it. Excuses seemed futile now, on the brink of discovery. But admitting his weakness to Bellamy was as terrifying as seeing him ill had been.

He’d been so pale. Skin hot and clammy, eyes drooping with each laboured breath. With his old vitality gone, there had been no black fire lighting up his eyes.

It had been Bellamy’s body. Reduced, shrunken, yet still his body. But it hadn’t been Bellamy. Only a shell that croaked whispers instead of growling threats. The familiar short temper hadn’t been there to greet John’s teasing. Bellamy hadn’t been grumpy, hadn’t even scowled. He’d barely been able to keep his eyes open.

So John had to do something. The hunger hadn’t been so bad. Not compared to the empty hours of waiting. Waiting for Bellamy to stand up from his bed and start shouting at John to stop sulking. Waiting for a miracle.

“It wasn’t a big deal”, he said, avoiding Bellamy’s eyes. “I slept through it most of the time. And like I said, that algae soup wasn’t appetizing anyway.”

“You could’ve made yourself ill, Murphy!”

Bellamy’s tone pulled at John’s heart, a violent wrench that made his hesitant eyes reach out for proof. It shouldn’t have been real. But it was there, even showing on his face. As if he cared. For John. As if John’s sacrifice had meant something.

John wanted to shake his head. Laugh it off. It hadn’t been a sacrifice. It had been a small incident, an act to soon be forgotten as things on the Ring settled back down. But Bellamy’s eyes were holding his own, and they burned with their old fire again. Only this time, it was warm. It was a hundred small flames from a hundred different feelings, and John thought he understood them all.

“I couldn’t just let you-”, John choked on the fear behind his honesty. It was terrifying, to remove the mask from his words before he spoke them.

“You were so ill, Bellamy. I had to do something.”

He thought Bellamy might shout at him. Call him an idiot. That he would have been ready for.

“Thank you.”, Bellamy said, his eyes still holding John’s, still warm with their hundred flames.

For a moment, they were both too scared to act, too frozen in uncertainty. The moment floated between them, a heavy air sparking as if with electricity. John wanted to move, but any move seemed a mistake he couldn’t afford to make. And he didn’t know what to do.

Bellamy looked away, the fire running from something more intense.

John wanted to run too. Behind his walls, back to before Bellamy’s illness. He wanted to run from the silence, from the weight of unspoken words.

Bellamy looked back. He looked at the way John’s clothes seem too loose for him, the way his stubble covered sharp cheekbones, a face so thin that all traces of humour had turned dark. And it was partly because of him. For him. And space. It had turned John sour, and nowadays the blue eyes were mostly grey.

Something stirred in his heart. Some discomfort tugging at him at the sight of John’s frailness. It was sadness and something else, something a little sweeter. 

“Why do you care?”, Bellamy asked. “Why do you care what happens to me?”

John shrugged. “Because without you this ship would be emptier. I guess I’ve grown fond of this little space family. It makes it easier to be the outcast.”

“Murphy, you’re not-”

“I am. I am an outcast, but it’s my fault. And sometimes I don’t want to be.”

“Then why push us away? Why push Emori away?”

“This is not about Emori!” John could feel his pulse burning hotter.

“Do you not love her?”

“I do. But I’m not in love with her. Not anymore.”

John pondered the silence, wondering whether it was too late to turn back their honesty. “Just like you’re not in love with Echo anymore.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “I never was in love with her. And I don’t think she was in love with me either.”

“Have you seen the way she looked at you?”, John laughed.

“Like she wanted to kill me?”, Bellamy suggested, raising an eyebrow.

“Like she was trying not to look away. Like she was trying to be braver than she was.”, John mocked.

But then his tone softened, his mind drifting away. “Like looking at you was the most terrifying thing in the world, but like it was worth it nevertheless.”

The silence deepened. Bellamy’s hands found each other, fumbling.

“I guess I wouldn’t know...I’ve never really-”

“What? You’ve never been in love, Bellamy? You’re lucky.”

“Why?”

“Because it hurts.”

“I’ve heard it can be pretty good.”

“What did you hear?”

“I’ve heard that it can make you smile a lot. Even if you’re not with them, you think of them and it just happens.”, Bellamy shrugged, fighting his own smile.

“You seem to be smiling a lot right now.”

The smile turned bashful at John’s words, shying away until it disappeared.

“Sounds like you’ve got more experience than you think.”, John concluded, trying to redeem his mistake. “Whoever she is, I hope she’s worth it.”

John’s small voice, his fading smile, the fragile frame drooping under baggy clothes, they all tugged on Bellamy’s heart. A regret for the fear behind his actions.

He wanted to smile again, hold onto it and embrace the fact that yes, he was smiling a lot right then. But he didn’t know how to say it, and he didn’t know why.

“Murphy-”

John was still studying his hands, folded together to tight that his knuckles turned white.

“John.”

John’s hands clenched tighter.

Bellamy’s breaths turned shallow. “I didn’t- I think maybe I was wrong”, he stuttered, his words stumbling over each other. “Maybe I do know what it feels like.”

He took a deep breath. “When I saw you with Emori, Monty with Harper, I thought maybe Echo’s company wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe that’s why I didn’t push her away at first. But then you and Emori broke up, and even though she was a friend who was hurting...I felt- I wanted to stop pretending with Echo. I realised she wasn’t what I wanted. And I hated myself for it but... I was glad you pushed Emori away.”

John’s head was spinning. It was as if the sound waves were tumbling over each other, mixing up words, carrying muffled half sentences to his ears. It was dream-like, it was impossible.

“And when I found out what you did for me”, Bellamy continued, “I realised how much it meant to me. That you cared. But it terrified me, the fact that you could’ve been sick or hurt. Is that- is that what it feels like? The good and the bad?”

For some reason, John’s voice trembled when he spoke, and his eyes filled with emotion. He felt pathetic, too much relief, fear, too much of everything being too much for him.

“Is that what what feels like?”

“Being in love.”

All the hidden emotions, everything John had been ignoring for years broke through the surface, and he sobbed too hard to speak.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”, Bellamy asked, that impossible care still in his voice, his arms moving to hold John’s shaking body.

There were a million things John could have said, or forced himself to say. But instead he cried, sobbing in Bellamy’s arms, not letting himself talk because trying to speak would have been more embarrassing than simply crying in silence.

When John felt like he’d cried his soul out and was nothing more than an empty shell, he leaned weakly against Bellamy, whose arms were still wrapped around him.

“I’m sorry.”, John said, too worn out to manage more than a monotone whisper. The million emotions that had mixed together through the years had now drained out through his eyes, leaving emptiness behind.

“What happened? Why were you crying?”, Bellamy asked.

“Did you really mean what you said? Because I really don’t feel like being played with, Bellamy.”

“It was because of what I said? John, I’d never do that.”

Bellamy pulled away, his hands on John’s shoulders, holding him at arm’s length.

“John, I don’t know much about this. But you just made me realise that I’m in love with you. And I have been for a while. I wouldn’t joke about that.”

“You really must not know shit, because how the hell could you just admit that in front of the person you supposedly like?”John spoke lightly, too weak to fight Bellamy or to look away, to pretend he didn’t care.

Bellamy smiled. “I guess I was pretty certain you felt the same. You’re not exactly subtle, Murphy.” Bellamy’s hands moved up John’s shoulders, resting in the crook of his neck.

John was too tired to worry and doubt. The tears had washed so much away, that all he could do was live the feelings he was feeling right now, it was too hard to remember the past. So it felt easy to mirror Bellamy’s smile. 

“You cocky shit. How could you be that self centered? And just stick with John please, it was really hot.”

Bellamy laughed, his hands cupping John’s face. “So you believe me? You admit you like me back? No more pretending, no more sulking and pushing people away?”

Part of John wanted to defy the infuriating confidence, prove Bellamy wrong. But the feeling of the hands on his skin was too intoxicating to deny.

“I never said anything about liking you. But even if I accept you, it doesn’t mean I have to talk to anyone else. You’re just too hard to resist.”

“You’re contradicting yourself, John.”

“Fuck, just kiss me already you coward.”

“I’m the coward? I’m the one who actually-”

John muffled Bellamy’s words with his lips, bringing years’ worth of struggles to an end, and finally sealing his dreams with a kiss.

[sohyuki]

kith for u too mint <333 !!! (/p)

AND YES OMG it's been AGESSS and im so happy ur online aHHH :DDDD

ALSO. YOUR LATEST FIC. can we Please talk abt it bc it deserves all the attention in the world and a million reblogs and likes and comments and just yes it is perfect and i will literally give a more detailed explanation on why i love it tmrw (its late and my brain is tired now HWJJDJA)

DOUBLE ALSO i just noticed that your header pic in your mobile theme is LITERALLY KAWORU AND SHINJI ⁉️ if it's not just ignore this but omfg what are your thoughts on evangelion ??? im so happy i finally know someone else who's watched it 😭

wait wait this ask is getting SO long but i have like a million things to tell u oml and we need to start talking more again so so sooooo i will most definitely dm u on discord tmrw when i can (if thats okay w you HWJJDKAJD)

tldr; i missed u tons & i love u mWAHHHH <3 a billion hugs for you hehe >:)

OMG OKAY QUILL I'VE BEEN WAITING THE ENTIRE DAY TO ANSWER THIS >:((( BUT WORK + I WANTED TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE MY REPLY PROPERLY SO HERE I AM NOW !!

JFHKJADHD :(((( thank you so, so much for liking my latest drabble *cries, sobs into pillow* your tags were so lovely i've read them like a dozen times now /srs and please don't worry about a detailed explanation (though that would literally give me a heart attack /pos) what you've said so far is just AAAA thank youuu :(( ilu

I'M GONNA PUT THE EVANGELION STUFF UNDER THE CUT

okay EVANGELION.

first off, YES MY HEADER IS SHINJI AND KAWORU!! i have a lot of Thoughts about evangelion but also nothing at the same time because sometimes i was like "what the fuck is going on, am i dumb or am i dumb" and sometimes i was like "i am god. i am a genius. my brain is working at 1000% i can see every equation." IT WAS A RIDE.

i honestly didn't understand episode 25 and 26 AT ALL. i had to search up an explanation for it because i was so confused and i did read that you would be confused with these eps specifically. and then i watched end of evangelion and it made a little more sense? it still goes over my head (because im dumb af) but i enjoyed evangelion a lot tbh!! also, the 90s anime retro aesthetic is like my soul so i was having a blast.

I ALSO THINK THAT ITS SO STINKY THAT THEY MADE KAWORU, THE PERFECT BOY, SHINJI'S BISEXUAL AWAKENING, AND THEN just,,,,killed him in the same episode. like that's insane. why would you do that. i wasn't attached to kaworu in his episode but it was like the side effects ?????? like it only hit me after he died that i liked him as a character sm (or this could just be the shinji kinnie in me screaming) >:( absolutely insane that they killed him

i liked misato and ritsuko a lot too!! i liked that evangelion didn't filter their creative vision. like they didn't shy away from a lot of mature themes and i enjoy shows that do that. i like it when they expose every facet of the characters, which is something you don't get a lot nowadays (the same goes for writing tbh) because everything is so rigid (imo) and that was also why i knew this was one of the reasons evangelion is a classic.

JADJSDJAHD OKAY THAT WAS LONGER THAN I EXPECTED. but yes!! omg if you are free, i would love to talk more on discord!! that is completely okay with me!! i didn't want to disturb you which is why i haven't messaged you in a while but i hope you're taking care of yourself >:(

tdlr; evangelion was a ride and i love you and miss you and mwah!! <333