#ahhh im nervous about this lmao

[aluciahaz]

i love finding new authors who i can tell are good as hell at writing 😭😭 anywho,, bottom!alastor x gn!reader? I like to think he's very shy about intimacy, so perhaps gentle sex with him? (+ if you can add sensitive al :3 )

a/n— ahhh thank you!!! i try my best lmao

but im SOO SORRY THIS FIC IS like probably not completely what you asked for 😭 writing for alastor is way harder than i thought but i super tried i swear!! im just not good at writing soft fics 😭😭 i hope you enjoy it though!!

memories in this second life

— alastor x gn!reader

— includes : smut, bottom!alastor, dom!reader, very soft times, sensitive alastor

you know alastor’s mannerisms. his smile may be unwavering, but the rest of his body was not.

you can notice his nervousness from the slight twitch in his ears to the subtle change in his static, randomly increasing and lowering in small increments. it was hardly noticeable, anyone who didn’t know his static patterns would never be able to tell.

but you know.

you cup his face with a delicate kiss to his nose as a gift, making his eyes come in contact with your own gaze instead of the floor.

“nervous?” you ask, smiling gently as he melts into your touch. he gives you a nervous chuckle in response, placing his hand on top of the one on his face with similar tenderness.

“perhaps,” he says coyly, as though you can’t notice how his eyes would shift away from yours once more.

you run your other hand through the red tufts of his hair, your fingers scratching the base of his ears. soon, he pinned them back, letting you pet his hair as you pepper kisses over his slender neck.

soon, his meekness seemed to dissipate as the night continued. he was quite sensitive, whimpering at the slightest touches to his cock and practically keening from your hand, your slow strokes slowly making his voice crack like a faulty radio.

“you ready?” you ask as your fingers rest against his entrance lightly, his legs trembling in anticipation.

“as i’ll ever be, dear,” he says with a smile, only to soon weaken as a moan slips past his lips with the sudden feeling of your finger pressing inside him.

you’re delighted to see how well alastor takes it, his ears still pressing back against his head as he arches into the pillows behind him. his hands, once tearing at the blankets, made their way over his mouth, covering his lovely noises. still shy, huh?

you click your tongue in disapproval before driving your fingers to the sweet spot inside of him as you lift his hands away from his face.

his eyes fluttered open, his mouth in a surprised smile as he gasps. there was a beauty to his disheveled hair and dusted red face, but the sugar on the cream was that you could now hear his voice without him muffling it.

and for once, there was no static.

“…mind doing that again?” alastor asks quietly, feigning composure when in reality his body spoke the truth. who could ignore such a prominent blush?

you weren’t one to deny someone so sweet. so again and again, you press that spot so foreign to the man until the feeling is engrained into his mind like english on his tongue.

later on, your fingers leave, and instead you’re the one moving inside of him, his legs wrapping around you with one hand clawing at the unfortunate sheets below him, the other intertwined with your own in a loving embrace.

“how does it feel?” you ask between breaths, looking down at your lover below you. you can’t hide the amused smile on your face as you watch him tremble underneath you, unable speak without a whine slipping between his words.

“good—ah, good—!” his cries were his voice, not the radio demon’s, no, just alastor’s. the static that accompanied his speech had become so normal that you barely ever noticed anymore, but with it gone, you can really appreciate his sweet tone. the way he says your name with such need, how he cries at each slow thrust.

this voice in particular was made for your ears, not radio.

“ha—close, darling, close—!” he moans, wanton and desperate for release. but more importantly, you. your lips taste like love, and your hand feels like bliss. it was overwhelming, this feeling, but so right at the same time.

soon, with a stuttered wail, he finally finishes, his eyes briefly rolling back in ecstasy. your other hand feels his tighten around yours like he was scared of letting you go, and you squeeze it back in assurance.

“i’m here, i’m here…” you whisper, your strokes around his cock slowing down as you let him come down from his high. his back falls back down to the mattress from its arched state as he tries to compose his thoughts. you try to pull out, only to be stopped with a hand on your shoulder and a shake of the head from your lover beneath you.

you kiss his forehead, chuckling at his behavior. “how was it?” you murmur, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

he glances up at you for a brief moment.

“…quite nice, actually.”

his words are practically inaudible as he speaks, still trying to steady his breathing.

the two of you stay like that for awhile, engulfed in each other’s presence as you quietly chatter about meaningless things, yet filled with mutual love. brief moments like this were truly precious, and both of you held it dear to your hearts even when the night closed your eyes and morning opens them.

welcoming the both of you to a new day to create more memories in this second life.

a/n — sorry that this isn’t that creative??? i couldnt think of any good metaphors or similes like my last fic 💀 also apologies for it being so long as well, i kind of got off track 😭

— tags : @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx

[wonuwrites]

hiii, if it's not a problem, can I request seventeen's reaction to their s/o being adored by cats? like, every time they go on a walk, there's at least one kitty that comes to them and wants to be petted

love your work!!! 😊

Ahhh not a problem at all! This sounds SO freaking cute I'm so excited to write it <33

Warnings: it's gonna be cute af, cats lmao

p.s: bc im writing about cats I wanna show off my babies ~ the Tuxedo is Shadow and White Cat is Stewie.

ღ S Coups:

omg Seungcheol would get heart eyes everytime a stray cat came up to you and rubbed up against you. You both would be doing your daily late night walk and an orange tabby would run straight to you you would drop Seungcheol's hand just to give the tabby some attention. Even though Seungcheol would fake pout everytime you chose a cat over his hand, he found it so precious how soft you were with cats and vice versa.

ღ Jeonghan:

When you first told Jeonghan cats loved you, he thought you were all talk. He didn't realize how true it was until one came up to you after one of your dates and just rubbed up on you. He jokingly called you a Disney Princess and it honestly was the best and most real compliment you have ever received. Whenever a cat ever came up to you, he would laugh in disbelief but he would love the fact that animals loved you just as much as he did.

ღ Joshua:

The majority of Jisoo's camera roll was with you and cats. You often would joke with each other that if you had to choose between cats vs him, you would choose cats. While that was not true in the slightest, Jisoo still would "respect" his place. There would be times where he would have to be voice of reason when you would want to take a new kitten or cat home which would be bittersweet but you would know he was right.

ღ Jun:

As a cat as well, Jun would completely understand why cats loved you. You were so calm and cute so it just makes sense. When cats would walk up to you, he swore he fell in love with you even more especially as you would crouch down and coo at them. He found it to be such a green flag that you were so good with animals.

ღ Hoshi:

Tell me why he'd be jealous of a cat? Not actually "jealous jealous" but would be like "yah, get your own partner. (y/n) is mine." He found it amusing whenever it happened because not only was the cats completely enamored by you but you also were. You would coo and would make up "back stories" about each cat that came up to you. If you ever saw the same cat twice, Soonyoung would be like "Oh yeah, it's Frederick the Third who really loves mischief and belly rubs" which would make you laugh because he remembered the back story. He would never admit it, but finding cats on your evening walks was the highlight of his day.

ღ Wonwoo:

tbh, the cats would be coming up to BOTH of you constantly. Something about Wonwoo and you just radiated such peace that cats just knew. You both found it a bit comical but also super wholesome that it happened as often as it did. If it ever happened when you weren't together, you both would either take a picture or FaceTime the other. Honestly, it would always make you both talk about adopting a cat together one day. Both of you would always get excited about the thoughts of making future plans like that together <3

ღ Woozi:

Similarly to Jeonghan, Jihoon would have some doubts about your claims of being a "cat magnet." He knocked the first few times as a "coincidence" but after awhile, he realized you were right. He found it so precious and would smirk when he would see an adorable four legged friend stretch before running up to both of you. He'd find it precious seeing you smile wide as you stared at a skittish cat that got nervous when Jihoon crouched down next to you too look at the kitten that decided to walk up to you. You would softly tell the kitten that Jihoon's muscles were all for show and he was a softie which would cause him to scoff and make mental note to show you how much "for show" they were later on.

ღ DK:

Seokmin would find it hilarious when you would just be walking and a cat would just be following close behind you begging for your attention with 'meows' and purrs. You would just give him a look of "I told you so," before playing with the kitten that so desperately wanted your attention. He found it so precious that he would film it and send it to both the 97 group chat and Seventeen group chats. His friends would be so jealous at your talents with cats and would ask you constantly for tips on how to get random cats to love you which would just make Seokmin feel so proud lol.

ღ Mingyu:

Mingyu was shocked when he realized it was not just cats and him that were obsessed with you. Whenever you both went on a walk together animals would ALWAYS come up to you. It could be cats, dogs, or even a crow. You would always mimic the noises of the animals and the animals would just act so happy that you were communicating with them. Honestly, it made him fall more in love with you.

ღ Minghao:

You know his infamous giggle? The bestest giggle in this whole wide world? Well it would star when you both would hear meows from behind you and noticed your charms worked on a grey long haired cutie. You would coo at the kitty and Minghao would coo at you. He found this sight to be the cutest thing EVER. He would take pictures and would even name the cats with you. For instance, this gray kitty y'all just found was named "Jinkies."

ღ Seungkwan:

Seungkwan would be flabbergasted that his partner was some character from a Disney movie. He would find it absolutely precious when he would see cats run up and look at you when you went on walks with each other. He often would find it funny because half the time you would get 'tired' of this talent you had. Sometimes you wanted to just enjoy time with him and when a cat came up, you just had to pet the kitty and ignore your busy man. It would make you feel guilty but he would always reassure you that it was okay.

ღ Vernon:

The first time it happened, he thought it was a freak occurrence. As did you. In fact, it was with Hansol when you realized you were the cat whisperer. It would be weird if a cat did NOT come up to you when you both on your nights. He would laugh if you got sulky because you didn't see an four legged friend on your walk. He would tease you that you were "losing your touch" which would cause you to roll your eyes and playfully push him.

ღ Dino:

Chan swore you had catnip or tuna in your pockets because there was just no way. So before your went on a walk, you emptied both of your pockets to prove him wrong. When he was satisfied you both left and ironically three damn cats showed up on your walk. He would be so flabbergasted and would laugh his infamous laugh. You would tell him it's a sign and you both should get a furbaby child soon which he would agree.

[anzynai]

For the alphabet ask, M,N, P, V, and X for Ruggie Bucchie or Jamil Viper! (Or both of you’re up for it)

hiii thanks for sending in the ask :) these were pretty fun letters u chose!! ill do both of them! hope u enjoy <3

side note: i mention leona and kalim a bit. i don’t ship jamikali and i don’t ship leoruggie. the circumstances are completely platonic.

M: Mornings | Their tickle behavior during mornings?

i feel like both of them get pretty tickle-friendly in the mornings! as lers at least! jamil uses it to get kalim out of bed. it works 99% of the time. ruggie does the same for leona.. it works about 60% of the time.

N: Nights | Their tickle behavior during nights?

hmm this is a tough one tbh! i feel like, for jamil, this would only occur if he had a partner. i feel like gentle tickles would help him fall asleep, feeling light and comfortable.

this can sometimes be similar for ruggie, but he tends to be more playful during the night. sometimes, he enjoys getting into tickle fights with his friends (when he’s not exhausted at the end of the day) but it also helps him sleep:)

P: Partner in Crime | If they were to go after a lee and accept the aid of a tickle partner, who do they prefer to join hands with and why?

jamil would pick kalim, just because kalim is ALWAYS up for it. plus, since they have always been together, they can kinda synchronize when it comes to tickling so it always works out well when theyre tickling someone.

ruggie, in my opinion, would probably either go solo tickle-monster (lmao) or whoever is with him at the moment. not a specific person! he kinda just flocks around sometimes so situations just.. happen. and whoever else is there joins in and helps like,, half the time.

also i think they would enjoy having the other as a tickle partner as well<3

V: Victim | As a ler, who is their favorite lee and what makes this person their ultimate victim?

dhbjhajaah ahhh im,, in an azujami world, azul definitely would be (just because jamil would like azul all flustered and stuff) but thats just my hc. IN A NORMAL WORLD, i dont think he would have a favorite lee because he gets nervous about tickling anyone but kalim.

as for ruggie, i think it would be jack! i imagine he would just like seeing the normally tough guy get super embarrassed over tickling and would love teasing him abt it!

X: X-over | In a crossover AU, what other opponent would be a fitting tickle fight opponent for them and why?

ehmm, a REALLY tough one… ruggie and gorou from genshin bc they can “bond” over having ticklish ears and tails. HELPP no but theyre both pretty ticklish and have similar weaknesses when it comes to tickling so i think it could be interesting!

uhm. this is kinda a reach but i cant really think of anything else for jamil so im picking hanta sero from mha. this is cuz i just feel like they would be ticklish around the same amount and idk r both, esp sero in my mind, more than meets in the eye so they’ve got those techniques and stuff yk! i just feel like it would be a close win for whoever DOES win.

[misc-obeyme]

YEAHHH SOLOMAMS FOR THE WIN- I'VE GOT KINDA AN OUTLINE OF THE SONGFIC TOO !! Preview straight from my notes that I wrote on the bus (the ring thing is something I've started doing):

"I wanted to say 10 because i have to go to bed at 10, but simeon said that was too early! So you better have him back here in one piece by 12. And no later!"

"Alright, fido. Back in one piece, got it" Mammon visibly fidgeting with his pinky ring, twisting it around his finger.

"H-hey um... Solomon's been trying to decide on what to wear all day. We've been trying to keep him out of the kitchen as well because he wanted to bake you something. He's just as nervous as you, even if he doesn't show it. So... Don't worry, alright?"

also horchata anything is to die for. There was some people selling agua fresca in a parking lot and I begged my mom to turn there so I could buy us some aksjdj.

And yes!! I keep getting videos of people making lace with all the bobbins!! Raphael would make the coolest stuff I bet!

OKAY THE LAST PART OF MY ASK GOT NAUGHTY LMAO, JUST A WARNING:

HELP, YEAH IT WOULD DEFINITELY COME UP WHEN THEY'RE GETTING FRISKY AJSJD. please imagine solomon takes off his shirt during and both Mammon and I point at different tattoos and are like "hey! I've seen a photo of that at the shop I go to!" and everyone does the spiderman meme pose "wait! you know about Reaper's Cave Studio?! How?!"

(Cue the three of them getting sidetracked examining Solomon's tattoos that they forget what they were originally doing.)

Like thirteen def posts on social media but also has photos on the wall/in a binder of past work she's done. And Sol is her test dummy, so his tattoos appear a lot.

Mine would just be a scattering of star sparkle tattoos on my collarbone, but easy to hide under my shirts so the boys usually never see them (similar to my sign off basically). I have an idea about the boys and my tattoos and it involves the constellations ,,,heh

akskf okay okay listen, about Mammon's piercing ,,,, hey man,,, h-hear me out,,, AKDJFJ pls im making myself sweat thinking about it because. I have. Thoughts and feelings that need to stay in my mind. But he definitely has nipple piercings and a dick piercing. I follow this artist on patreon and I can't imagine him any other way 😭 like, the one where it's on the underside across? The jacobs ladder one is maybe what I'm thinking of ?? I'm not about to google that to see if I'm right though. But yeah! He just,,, looks good in gold is all I'll say-

IF I HAD ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY I CAN'T REMEMBER BUT YIPPEE SLEEPOVER SCENE SOON OKAY BYEE

- ✨ anon

a;lksdfjf LUKE being all protective and then reassuring Mammon in the next sentence I CANNOT.

I love when the Purgatory Hall crew act like a lil family it's so cute! And Mammon being all nervous ahhh precious babies!!

Horchata is delicious and I will get it at every opportunity! A friend of mine had horchata at their wedding and they had a couple gallons left over and they just gave it all to me 'cause they knew how much I love it. Truly the best week of my life lol!

YES the lace bobbins!!! I was like I can see it in my mind, Raphael getting all crazy about it and making intricate patterns with that stuff like it's no big deal...

AH that is EXACTLY the scenario I was imagining!!! Just everybody being like wait that tattoo!!! LOL!!

I love that you just recognize Solomon's from Thirteen's portfolio lol that is perfection! And it does make sense if he has a bunch from her!

Star sparkle tattoos I love it... also constellations!!

AH I want nipple piercings so bad! Um, but anyway, yes you are thinking of the Jacob's Ladder! It's barbells that go down the bottom of the shaft, so they're like rungs! I think three is the standard but I'm sure you could do more if you want. Anyway, I totally imagine the same thing I cannot believe that Mammon doesn't have at least one dick piercing and the Jacob's Ladder situation just seems like what he'd go for!

I'm also just obsessed with piercings in general so perhaps that has to do with it. But he's the only one who actually has piercings in canon that we know of, so who's to say he doesn't have a Jacob's Ladder, right??

The only reason he doesn't have canon nipple piercings is because Solmare are cowards lol.

That boy definitely looks good in gold...

WOO sleepover!!

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

hiiiii anon who has had 9 of their requests written. Ig i’ll use the squid emoji from now on to represent myself 🦑

you asked if there were any other requests of mine you haven’t gotten to and im genuinely having a hard time remembering all the requests ive sent you 💀

But ik there is one i requested about ethan and reader having phone sex when being in a long distance relationship

one angsty fic that ends in smut where both ethan and reader think the other person doesn’t have feelings for them anymore

i think i suggested one the notebook coded one

and i think i suggested one where its super fluffy smut where ethan and reader lose their virginity, and are at first nervous because they want it to be special, but realize it’s special purely because it’s between them

oh and i requested a second part to the voyeur fic (that og request was mine as well 🤭)

AHHHHH ILYSM

-🦑

Ahhh, my favorite cephalopod ❤️

okay OKAY the phone sex one…have they ever met in person at any point of their relationship? Or is it like a met online kind of situation? Just want to know if Ethan’s already familiar with readers body or not🫣

The angsty smut one where reader thinks Ethan doesn’t like her anymore, I was kind of leaning more towards a friends with benefits situation but they both have their feelings (readers made hers obvious, but Ethan’s scared of heartbreak), and Ethan gets a little cold towards her, like not acting like he always does around her, and she thinks he doesn’t want her anymore, which leads to Ethan thinking she doesn’t want him because she just kind of does her own thing(I still have the request so I know how you want it to end, I don’t want to give the whole thing away because someone else might read this and I’d ruin the story👀), seriously, let me know if that sounds okay!

With the Notebook coded one, the only thing I’m really caught up on is how much time passes between the breakup and when they see each other again, and if they both still try to date other people during the breakup or if it’s more like…they both just don’t want to because they still love each other sm that they can’t even really think about anyone else (I’ll admit it, I only half-watched the notebook once👀)

The virginity one I’ll get to soon, because I just need to write some super sweet fluffy smut in my near future lmao

And the voyeur fic, I’ve actually been working on that one a lot lately! I keep bouncing back to it and tweaking a few things, because obvi reader and Ethan see each other after she sucked the soul out of him and like, there’s SO MUCH TENSION.

For real, if you want to talk about this stuff through asks, we can! Or if you want to message me, I’d of course still keep you anonymous! I’m sure you’ve realized that I like to go into detail, like it’s probably awful tbh, but I want to make sure something I write is exactly what you want! ❤️💕🫶🏻

[hardly-a-p3rson]

ahhh im the nervous anon :'3 i was pondering for a while but i think im gonna be an anon for now, purely bc im nervous ill mess stuff up AGH but anyways congrats on the name change !!!! im so happy 4 u ! :3

-nervous anon

that's totally fine. again absolutely zero pressure

thank you so much I've been incredibly emotional about it today lmao. I'm just waiting for two people to come over and be witness to me signing so wooooo

[notverycolonthreeofyou]

i don't know if I've already said this before but I've read ur fic several times and I literally LOVE it so much omg

Ahhh!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!!!! It was the first South Park fic I actually finished and I had so much fun writing it! I can’t lie, I was really nervous to actually publish it, but I’m so glad you love it!!!

I always appreciate validation, it makes me feel more motivated to write more fics LMAO

I literally love talking about my fanfiction so pls anyone feel free to ask me questions about it im actually begging pls pls pls

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

Hello! First of all your smaus are absolutely amazing, genuinely THEE best I've read by far for any fandom, I found you through rewrite it before it was fully finished and I've become addicted to your writing fr. Thank you for feeding us so well, I owe you my life, spellbound is sooo good and it's got me checking for updates even tho I have notifications on but OHHH MY GODDD everyone is making Y/N so mad lately bro!! I'm over here yelling at my phone like! Can't Inumaki casually drop something about Megs' new door during conversation or something!! Let them figure it out !! I'm convinced the easiest way to get them to forgive Megumi is if they figure it out on their own bc they're so stubborn and everyone is like. Not doing that I'm pulling my hair out!!! Anyways all this is good btw I super love the way everyone's characterized and I think they're very in character actually I just think they suck at being wingmen lmao but I love drama so this is great! Anyways, that's all I wanted to say lol much love and have a great day! 💫💖 (ps hope everything goes well at the eye doctor, I feel you)

ANON OMG STOPPP IM BLUSHING EHEHEH IM SO GLAD U LIKE MY WRITING SM??? LIKE THAT MEANS SOOO MUCH TO ME I LOVE LOVE LOVE WHEN PEOPLE LIKE WHAT I WRITE 💔💔💔 IT MAKES MY HEART HAPPY

BUT ALSOOO Y/N ISSS SO STUBBORN!! ehehe i’m so glad u see that bc i feel like then everything else that happens next and their reasoning for stuff makes sm more sense 😭

AND AHHH IM SO GLAD U THINK THEY R IN CHARACTER / LIKE THE WAY THEY R CHARACTERIZED!! that’s the one thing i’m always nervous about when writing is that i’m accidentally making one of them or all of them ooc so i’m super glad u don’t think so!!

YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY AS WELL!!!!

[peachenle]

get to know me game!

tagged by @dearhee ty!!

tagging: @end-hyphen @ozymandia-s and anyone else who'd like to participate! This is a long shabang so no pressure hehe . me realizing i need more active moots O_O anyone wanna be friends

birthday: may 4th! im a quadruple taurus 0:

favourite colour: i think pink or purple?!

do you have pets? i have one dog

how tall are you? im ~172 cm

how many pairs of shoes do you own? i only really use like 5 pairs i think! i have sneakers, heels, two crocs and then loafers!

favourite song: my toppest mostest favoritest is dive by jooyoung! then fever by enhypen :D

favourite movie: ponyo

who would be your ideal partner? i mean i bias chenle and jake so im into really happy and bright people LOL realistically though, i think heeseung is more my type? if i were to choose an idol. he's really passionate, we share similar hobbies (gaming), and i think hes fuckin goofy bruh LMAO i'd really like him!

do you want children? i have MAD baby fever, but id only think i'd have 1

have you gotten in trouble with the law? the only time was when i lived in korea and we had a get together when gatherings of more than 6 people weren't allowed because of covid - the cops came and took our info, but they just told us to go home lol

what colour socks are you wearing? i have none on rn heh

favourite type of music: as much as i listen to different genres i cant deny i listen to kpop and krnb the most!

how many pillows do you sleep with? i have 4 on my bed but i only really use 2

what position do you sleep in? always on my side! but i move around a LOT

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping: any sort of light - i need it DARK

what do you have for breakfast: depends on the day, recently ive been eating a lot of avocado toast and eggs!

have you ever tried archery? yes actually LOL i used to take lessons.

favourite fruit: strawberries, watermelon, apples!

are you a good liar? no i think LOL

what’s your personality type? estj was my last result last year but i think im getting more introverted...

innie or outie? innie O_O

left handed or right handed? right!

favourite food: hmmm ill say galbi jjim for right now, or hotpot

favourite foreign food: sushi

am i clean or messy? messy tbh

most used phrase: man i be talking in tiktok right now - but i say "bruh" or "oh em gee" a lot ahhh

how long does it take for you to get ready: depends on the day, im usually quite slow but im the fastest amongst my friends so.. maybe i just think im slow. i dont do anything crazy for makeup but im indecisive about clothes

do you talk to yourself? always - hence why i enjoy twitch streaming lol

do you sing to yourself? yup!

are you a good singer? naur

biggest fear? not being happy with my career lol

are you a gossip? hell yea

do you like long or short hair? on me - long. on boys? like maybe in the middle. jakes hair rn is perfecttt

favourite school subject: in high school i loved english (i mean .. i read and write a lot LOL). i got an award for being the top english student! right now im just vibing...

extrovert or introvert: can i say ambivert but like /gen - there are days i love being alone and others where i will die without talking to a human

what makes you nervous: just... not being smart enough/not knowing enough

who was your first real crush? my first real one was HARDDDD - im not including childhood ones bc i had too many of those. but my first real one was a good friend of my friend. then we became REALLYYY close, and this was during quarantine, so i didnt see him irl much. so we'd play games and watch anime together EVERY NIGHT... like it was routine for 2 months straight. and then i drunkenly confessed and it was bad bad bad. LOOL we're still friends, albeit not as close, and i've grown and moved on! but in hindsight, not the best time. I was heart broken for months ahhh

how many piercings? 10!

how many tattoos? 2!

how fast can you run? nawt as fast as i used to...

what colour is your hair? blackk

what colour are your eyes? brown

what makes you angry: mansplainers, pick me people... etc theres nothing really specific but im a natural born #hater so.. .LMMAOOO

do you like your name? yeye! i dont go by my birth name much anymore, but i like it

do you want a boy or a girl as a child? i dont think id care

what are your strengths? idk i think i do a good aussie accent. jk but ummm im currently in a rut about myself so im workin on it!

what are your weaknesses? hmmm im a ppl pleaser, but at the same time im really stubborn. i cant commit to many things lolol... etc

what is the colour of your bedspread? grey

colour of your room: ldk its like beige lol - but my furniture is like a pastel blue/grey?

[taegularities]

RID 🫶🫶

how are you? hows work? i hope youre enjoying it!

i just finished up all my finals and im finally back home for the summer, like i quite literally got home an hour ago - it is very bittersweet bc i absolutely love college ‼️

i also kinda met someone who was SO similar to me, it was scary (like same sense of humor, same values, same religious povs)🤭 but we both moved back home for the summer and idk i dont think it'll go anywhere, but i do like him quite a bit ‼️ our first date ended up being 5 hours long, we literally just talked about everything and anything 🙏 i hope it goes somewhere, i felt like i should update you since you were present during my tinder phase 💀

AHHH I READ THE NEW C&F PART!!!! oh my god rid. IT WAS SO GOOD ‼️ how are you ever nervous releasing such good fics 🤨 i was so enthralled, i read it within an hr 🤭 the smut.. jungkook being head over heels in love... the PLOT TWIST 🫡 im in love with them, it actually felt like a reward after these last two draining weeks ❤️

i hope you are having an amazing day, please remember to take breaks 🫶

- wife from war anon 💂‍♀️

BABE HI !!! i'm okay, just a lil sick and very tired jfjsjsid i need to be better before work on monday.. which !! i've been enjoying so far! ty for asking 🥺

awh, i hope you have fun back home and then an even lovelier time when you return to college. but considering that little update 👀 i understand why you love college so much 👀 LMAO BABE THAT'S AMAZING ???? after that confusing ass tinder time, you definitely deserve some certainty and comfort. i'm so happy you've found someone who you can vibe with, and i truuuuly freaking hope it leads somewhere, too. i'll be the first one to cheer 🥺

ALSO YAY YOU READ C&F?? yeah, i was nervous af and now i'm just as nervous about the epilogue rip hsjsusue but so nice to hear you enjoyed it and that it was rewarding. jk is a simp fr :') and an hour is a short time for 30k+ hahaha i love you a lot bby :(( 🤍

[iwillneverforgiveyousunghanbin]

omg SHE’S BACK AHHH IM SO HAPPY I MISSED U SO MUCH 💗💗💗💗

i hope you’re doing well omg??? and also can we talk about the comeback of a lifetime like that ricky fic was insane i love you and i love your brain🗣️🙏

-🪐

💖💖 i missed you!! i’m doing good :) honestly life is really good but i’m dating this guy right now and i actually really like him. and i haven’t dated anyone in a long time so i’m forgetting how to act 😭 i’m nervous all the time, no appetite. it’s so silly!! if anyone ever thinks i’m an expert in the topics i write about, think again lmao

awww thank you sm! i was in the middle of writing a 5 page essay and i was like… i have to write this ricky fic right this second lol.

i hope you are doing well!!

[creacherkeeper]

i just wanted to say thank you soooooo much to everyone who's donated so far 😭😭 it's really been so overwhelmingly wonderful and has made me feel so so warm and cared for

as of today it's one month until the surgery which .... ahhh .... im trying not to be too nervous about it so im just distracting myself with creative work and finals

but if yall could keep spreading this around it is once again soooo so appreciated!!! or if there's other places yall can post it, tumblr is my only social media lmao 😭 but literally anything is appreciated!!

and if yall would prefer to chip in also get some games out of it - i have my fundraiser sale going on on itch rn too with a bunch of ttrpgs!!

my v*nmo is PsychHound if people prefer that way as well!!

thank yall!!!!

raised: 1,381 / 9,000

yall, its finally happening ... getting my tits shot off is simply so within my grasp 😭

i'm getting top surgery on january 8th 2024 and im so excited and so scared but im being so so brave about it

though i've tried saving the funds myself for years now, emergencies keep wiping them away, like vet bills, emergency moves, wage theft, a con artist roommate, you name it, its happened in the last two years. i never wanted to have to rely on crowdfunding for something so vital and important to me, but now that it's here im really calling on my community to help support me

top surgery is not only a dream come true as far as having a body i can finally call home, but also with living in one of the most conservative states in the bible belt as a trans, gay, autistic, disabled, jewish man, its a matter of safety as well. temperatures frequently reach 115f/46c in the summer here, and with some of my health problems, binding isnt always feasible in that kind of heat. but not binding also means i risk getting clocked, and i don't think i need to tell yall how bad that could go for me

i've really been scraping by on low wages for years as a social worker and now as a graduate teaching assistant. and the previously aforementioned vet bills, con artists, etc have just really squashed any hope i had for paying for this myself

it's not easy for me to ask for help, but it would genuinely mean the world if yall could share this around. i know this is the webbed site of unemployed disabled people and broke college students but every little bit helps

if not for me then please do it for my nanny, a 10 year old pit bull who simply loves to step directly on my tits and would really appreciate if i didnt weep and wail every time she did it

[ID: a photo of a tan pit bull wearing blue spaced-themed pajamas.]

godspeed little gay people in my phone and thank you!!

[soildmud]

hiiii so i've been kinda less active due to the phone ban that's enforced at my school, and also because of homework and stuff lolol

as for the requests IM SO SORRY FOR NOT DOING THEM YET AHHH i get nervous about doing requests because i don't want people to be disappointed in case the art isn't what they expected it to be, yknow??? and there also just might be some i don't feel comfortable doing LMAO

also side note, i think i'll be taking commissions soon as well, since i'm out of a job and it's just my wife that's providing for us financially </3

sooo if anyone wants to pay me to make them a full art piece hmu lmao just look at the guidlines for my art request post and i'll do it

OH AND I MIGHT MAKE ARLO AN ASK BLOG WOW its just i have literally no followers except for 2 people so idk if i should lolol

[caught-the-lovebug]

OK HI IM THE PERSON WHO WANTED TO LEAVE A LETTER IN THAT BOYS LOCKER BUT WANTED TO DO IT ANONYMOUSLY I HAVE A MAJOR UPDATE.

ok so throughout the next few weeks of that post i chickened out multiple times thinking that i shouldnt do it and on the day of valentines my Spanish teacher gave us flowers and I thought, hey why not I have a flower now this is the perfect opportunity but I still wasn't sure and was like extremely nervous so I messaged my friends, and they practically (affectionately) peer pressured me into doing it. I made the note in the shape of a heart and found out how to fold it to make it look like an envelope and I wrote a short note basically just saying, what u like about him and I think he's special and really cute and I left the flower and the note in his locker while he was having a private lesson (were in band). I almost went back to get it, but I decided not to and afterwords I felt pretty good. A few days of passed and Friday (2/17) we were walking to our local Walgreens idk how we got to this conversation but he was like "there's some things I want to figure out before I die" and I asked what he wanted to figure out, and at first, he was really vague about it, but then he got more specific very slowly and he like mentioned he found something in his locker, and I just immediately knew he was talking about the note. Long story short, he cried happy tears after reading it, he has a picture of it on his phone and he wants to figure out who it. He said the handwriting look familiar, which is my bad because since I kept chickening out, I kind of rushed to the note at the last minute and hand wrote it instead of printing it like u said (which is why I was surprised he said he cried, because honestly after putting it in his locker I thought it was pretty cringy or cliché and kinda rushed). He also said that he has a feeling that me and my friend (we'll call them S) had something to do with it. I think this is because a few weeks before after I had told S about my crush on him S wenr to go ask him about any crushes he had. AnyWho, we moved on from the conversation after that but i did text about it later though, he thinks it was a girl (which is true) and maybe I'm looking too into it but I have a feeling he might know it's me cuz when I asked what he would do if you ever met the person who sent him the letter, he said "I guess if I know the person I could just say that I like them back" and maybe I'm looking too much into it, but that felt like a hint. All my friends think it is and think I should tell him but I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. Honestly I'm just happy that it made him happy says he's kind of depressed and just the fact that something I made, made him so happy that he cried just makes my heart swell.🥹🥹🥹🥹

Thanks for your advice! (Even though, if at the end, I technically didn't take it fully lmao 💀)

Ahhh!! That's an amazing outcome!

You made someone you care about really happy and that's So Special and Good. I'm so glad it turned out that way.

Don't worry about not following my advice exactly, I only give it to help give people like you options or think about how They want to do things. It also sounds like you put a lot of care and thought into it even if you think it's a bit rushed.

Honestly, my instincts are to tell him! He's likely either figured it out or has a strong idea but doesn't want to be wrong.

Especially the "I'd tell them I like them back"... That feels odd to say if you don't think you know who. To me anyways.

But! If that's not what you want to do, then you don't have to push yourself. You did something incredibly nice and made him happy and you can crush away knowing that. It's entirely up to you. And as long as any decision you make feels good, that's great. And if you decide not to, you can always change your mind later.

Good luck! And I'm So Happy it went well!!!

[nostalgiabones]

Alone, But Not Really // Single Dad!Ashton AU

A/N: well! It’s about time we had some Ashton on my blog. This is really different for me! It’s the most angsty thing i’ve ever written so please let me know what you think. It’s over 6000 words which is ridiculous lmao.  Shoutout to @i-calumhood​ for being so supportive and helping me out with this! ❤️(Possible TW of death - but nothing in detail)

“Ashton? We have someone important for you to meet when we get to the buses.”

Cory’s voice broke Ashton from his thoughts, from where he was bouncing Adalyn in his arms, trying to keep her entertained with the multi-coloured rattle in her grasp. He had no idea what day or time it was, or even where they were. It was their first day back touring after over a year off, as well as being Ashton’s first time touring as a parent; more specifically, as a single parent.

The crew had been in two minds about how to handle the situation, ever since the tour was planned and announced. There was no way that Ashton would go on tour and leave her behind. Having just passed her first birthday, she was well and truly attached and reliant on Ashton, and he would not be that parent. He knew how it felt to have a parent leave, and he could never put his sweet baby girl through that. They knew he’d sooner turn down a tour than go without her, so there was never any doubt that Ada would be joining them.

Ashton was stubborn. They all knew that. 

He was reluctant to accept help when it came to his daughter. It had only been seven months since he’d been forced into becoming a single parent. He had been her sole parent for more than half of her life. He could do it; he could be her dad, and they didn’t need anyone else. But that was whilst they were at home, and he didn’t have the band to focus on; tour had always been a mental battle for them all, and adding a baby to the mix was bound to make it much more difficult.

That was where you came in; babysitting for families every weekend had become a side job to earn a little extra money, mostly spending a few hours on a Saturday night watching Disney movies, or playing hide and seek. It was never anything too intense. That was until you received a phone call from a member of 5 Seconds of Summer’s management, asking if you wanted to join their tour, to help out with Ashton’s daughter. 

It was a decision you hadn’t taken lightly. It would mean being away for a good chunk of the year, and babysitting a child you had never met, travelling around with a close knit crew that you had never been a part of. But, it would also give you the chance to travel around the world with an extremely talented band, and get to know them as well as Ada. You’d always wanted to explore the world, and this was a perfect opportunity to do so. 

“Someone important? What do you mean?” Ashton questioned, making sure he had a good grip on Ada as the band started to move through the airport, to head to the tour buses. He didn’t know why this person would only be important to him. The crew were reluctant to make him aware of the situation. They knew he felt as though he didn’t need the help, and he didn’t want it. They thought otherwise; they had no doubts about his abilities as a father, but they just wanted what was best for him. 

“You’ll see. Just please, have an open mind.” 

Ashton was too tired and jet lagged to try and work out who was waiting for him on the bus. All he wanted to do was pass out in his bunk with Ada, so they could both catch up on some well needed sleep. They had a few days to rehearse and such before the first show, which he was grateful for. 

You had flown out at a little earlier than them, already moving some of your things onto the bus, and trying to get settled in. The situation had been explained to you; they’d warned you that it might take Ashton a while to warm up to you, and accept your help. But you understood that leaving a baby in the care of someone he didn’t know would be worrying, especially when the two of them were so used to it being just them.

Hanging around the car park with a few other members of the crew, you spotted the band finally making their way towards the bus. Your heart melted at the sleepy baby girl settled in Ashton’s arms, her messy dark blonde curls a contrast to her dad’s jet black hair. They had matching slightly grumpy expressions, eyebrows furrowed and lips pouted, clearly ready for some sleep.

“There you are! We have some people we’d like you to meet.” Cory greeted you, and you were happy to see a familiar face. You’d met and spoken to him before, and you felt a little less nervous now that he was there to introduce you. “This is Ashton, and Ada.” 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Ashton. I’ve heard a lot about you.” You held your hand out for him to shake, which he did, the confused expression not leaving his face. 

“Can someone explain what’s going on?” He asked, the situation still not becoming any clearer to him. He didn’t want to be rude. But he had just gotten off of a long haul flight, and he didn’t see why this conversation was so important. 

“She’s here to help out with Ada.” Cory explained, watching as Ashton took a deep breath at his words, trying to conceal the urge to roll his eyes. “Just an extra pair of hands, for when you’re on stage or needed elsewhere. I know you said you don’t need help, and we believe you, but we just want what’s best for you. This is just to help you out, okay?” 

Ashton was ambivalent about the situation. On one hand, he knew they were just trying to make things easier for him, to give him a break when he would need it. On the other hand, he was a fully capable father, and the thought of leaving Ada with someone that he didn’t know made him feel slightly sick. 

He decided not to bite back. As frustrated as he felt, he didn’t want to make a bad first impression on you, especially if you were about to spend the next few months helping him to raise his daughter. 

“Okay.” He affirmed, sending you a slightly forced, but warm smile. “It’s nice to meet you too. We have a lot to talk about.” 

Cory sent you a reassuring smile and squeezed your shoulder, the small gesture of encouragement making you feel more welcome. You knew Ashton meant no harm; the introduction could have gone much worst. The first few nights were bound to be awkward, maybe even the first few weeks. You were living on the same bus as them, so you would be on hand to help out with Ada whenever Ashton needed you. 

“Hey, i’m Calum.” You were pulled into a warm hug, introducing yourself to the tall, heavily tattooed bass player. “Don’t let him scare you off. He’s very protective over Ada, but he’ll come around. It’s good to have you with us.”

“Thank you, Calum.” You replied, starting to feel less uncomfortable as you were made to feel more welcome by the rest of the band. 

“Come on, i’ll introduce you to the rest of the family.”

***

“It usually takes a while to get her to sleep.” 

You were left alone with Ashton and Ada for the first time, knowing that you needed to break the ice between the three of you, in order to get them to trust you. It almost felt like you were back at school; Ashton reeling off rules and information off the top of his head as you tried to take it all in, nodding understandingly as he spoke. 

Ashton was trying his best to not be so opposed to the situation. It wasn’t your fault. You seemed caring, friendly and willing to help out in any way that you could, and he appreciated that. He just couldn’t stop the nagging voice in his head that told him that he didn’t need you, and that he was fully capable on his own.

“I don’t really know how her routine is going to work on tour.” He continued to explain, as he continued to unpack the seemingly never ending supply of nappies and baby grows, organising them into piles. “We had a good routine at home, but I don’t think it’ll work as smoothly here. She loves her uncles. She’ll get too excited to sleep if they’re around, so we’ll need to find somewhere quiet to settle her.” 

“I’m sure we can do that.” You reassured him, trying to take everything on board. He was still balancing Ada in his arms, her little hands clinging to his t-shirt as he moved around the kitchen. You were reluctant to ask him if you could hold her, but you pushed the reluctance to the back of your mind and decided to ask anyway. “Do you want me to take her whilst you sort your things out?” 

You saw the hesitance on his face at your question, taking a deep breath and kissing her cheek before nodding in your direction. “I’m right here, okay sweetheart?” 

You took her into your arms and settled her in your lap, so she could still watch what Ashton was doing from where you were sat on the sofa.

“Hi, Ada.” You cooed softly, stroking her cheek gently and cuddling her, so she felt safe in your hold. Her big green eyes were curiously studying your face, almost as if she was trying to work out if she knew you, and if she felt okay being held by you. “She has such beautiful eyes, Ashton.” 

He smiled at your words, a sadness seeming to take over his demeanor as he acknowledged your words. He paused for a moment, glancing at her in your arms before replying, “she looks like her mum.” 

Ashton avoided your gaze after he mentioned Ada’s mum, almost like he couldn’t bare to look at you or her in that moment. Being a single parent was tough in any circumstances. But you had a feeling there was something so painful about their situation; that there was more to it than her just getting up and leaving one day. You had so many questions. No one had told you how he ended up as a single father, and as much as you wanted to ask, the sadness in his eyes told you not to. It was far too early for that. He’d tell you when he was ready. 

The three of you sat in a slightly uncomfortable silence for a little longer, as Ashton finished sorting out all of their belongings. Ada got a little restless in your arms, reaching out for Ashton and crying “dada!” until he took her back into his embrace.

“Hi, sleepy baby.” He murmured to her, wrapping his arms around her and stroking through her hair. He looked as though he had missed her for the ten minutes that he hadn’t been holding her for, and you knew it was gonna take a lot longer for him to warm up to leaving her with you. “I’m gonna try and put her down. You can go and find the guys, if you want.”

You nodded and watched as he kissed her pouty lips, grabbing the warm bottle of milk from the microwave and heading to the back where the bunks were. It was clear he just wanted some time with her, and you understood. Walking out of the band’s bus, you headed to the where the rest of the crew were staying, trying to find some familiar faces.

“Hey, there you are. I’m Luke, by the way.” You recognised the blonde haired front man, accepting the friendly hug that he’d pulled you into. “I hear you’re gonna be staying on the bus with us. I hope we don’t scare you off too quickly.”

“If anyone is gonna do that, it’s Ashton.” Another voice piped up, who you soon learned to be Michael. “How are things going with him?”

“I mean, he let me hold her? So I think we’ve made some progress.” You replied, watching as Calum raised his thick eyebrows in surprise.

“He did? You’re doing well so far.” Calum scoffed, patting your shoulder reassuringly. It was slow and steady progress, but hearing their words made you feel a little better. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

***

Later that night, you and the three other members of the band finally made your way back to the bus, finding Ashton and Ada fast asleep on the sofa in the back room. Calum gently shook Ashton’s shoulder, waking him up so he could put Ada down and head to bed instead of sleeping on the sofa.

“Do you want me to take her? I can change her and put her to bed, if you like.” You offered, clearly seeing how tired he was and hoping you’d get a little more time with Ada, so she could get to know you.

“It’s okay, I got it.” Ashton replied, almost coldly, moving to grab Ada’s pyjamas, as she began to stir in his arms. “Shh, it’s alright, baby girl.”

You tried to hide the disappointment in your eyes as you watched them together, trying to think rationally and tell yourself that it was the first night, and he still wasn’t fully comfortable with idea of you being there.

“He’ll come around.” Calum reaffirmed softly, also noticing how you seemed a little deflated by Ashton’s words. “He just needs time.”

***

A few days later and there had been no major improvements; you’d held Ada whilst she napped a few times, and helped Ashton out by changing her and making her bottles.

Your relationship with him hadn’t had made much progress. You tried to be patient, tried to tell yourself that it wasn’t personal to you, it was him telling himself that he didn’t need any help. But the day of the first show had finally come around, therefore, it would be the first time Ada would be left alone with you.

“30 minutes until stage, guys.”

The atmosphere backstage was buzzing, the adrenaline and anticipation for the first show building more and more as time went by. Ashton was rocking Ada in his arms, hoping to get her to sleep before he had to leave so she wouldn’t notice that he was gone. But what he had previously told you proved true - she loved her uncles, and had no interest in sleeping when she knew they were around. Her wide eyes were eagerly looking around the green room, the heavy Australian rock music sounding through the speakers not helping to make a calm environment for her to fall asleep in.

“If she needs me, please come and get me.” Ashton told you, pressing several kisses to Ada’s forehead as he prepared to hand her over to you. “She’ll probably want a bottle soon and then go to sleep. But if she doesn’t, I can come and get her.”

“We’ll be just fine, Ashton.” You reassured him, knowing there is no way you would be allowed to disturb the show, no matter what Ashton wanted. You felt confident that you wouldn’t need to though, and that she’d be fine. “Go have fun, okay? She’ll be waiting for you when you get back.”

He reluctantly handed her over to you, making sure she settled in your arms before grabbing his in-ears to prepare for the show. He didn’t take his eyes from her for as long as he could, making sure she wasn’t crying or didn’t look uncomfortable.

“Wave goodbye to daddy, Ada.” You cooed to her, grabbing her tiny hand in your larger one and waving it in Ashton’s direction, as you followed them to the stage. All four members fist bumped you and Ada as they left, soon learning that this was their pre show tradition, and they did it to every crew member in sight. “We’ll be okay for a few hours, won’t we?”

Ashton went out there and gave the show his all, like he always did. It felt good to be back on stage. He needed the release. It had been over a year since they’d done a show, and he felt great.

He couldn’t stop the looming thought that he had left Ada, that she’d be upset, and wondering where he was. He didn’t want the show to end, but on the other hand, he did. He wanted to shower and cuddle Ada and hold her as she fell asleep; his sweet baby girl.

Ashton all but threw his drumsticks as soon as the show was over and ran off stage, demanding to know where Ada was and if she was okay. When he couldn’t find you backstage and he was told you’d gone back to the bus, he was convinced something had gone wrong.

The sound of the door to the bus swinging open startled you, as you weren’t expecting the guys to be back for a little longer. You were so relieved; the first show had gone well. Ada wouldn’t settle backstage so you’d taken her back to the bus, changing her into her cosy pyjamas and giving her a bottle. She had been a dream, falling asleep after you’d rocked her in your arms, and not making a sound since.

“There you are.” Ashton sighed in relief, almost as if he was expecting you to be elsewhere. His heart melted as his eyes landed upon Ada curled into your chest, fast asleep, warm and content under the fluffy blanket you had wrapped her in. “Was she okay?”

“She’s was perfect, Ashton.” You replied, rubbing your hand up and down Ada’s back as she shifted in her sleep. “I just came back here because it’s quieter, and it’ll get her used to sleeping on the bus. I gave her a bottle and she went straight to sleep.”

It felt foreign to Ashton to see Ada fall asleep on someone who wasn’t him. He had rocked her to sleep pretty much every night for the past seven months, feeling calm and at peace when she fell asleep on him, her gentle breathing managing to slow his racing thoughts. It made him think that maybe she didn’t need him quite as much as he thought she did.

Seeing her asleep on your chest made his heart ache in a different way. It made him think of when she used to fall asleep on her mum, back when he wasn’t doing this all alone. It was hard to see. It made him wish that she had a mum. One that could be here to love and take care of her, like she had for the first five months of her life, before it all got snatched away.

“Thank you.” He murmured soflty, a sincerity in his eyes as you smiled back at him. “I appreciate it.”

“This is what I’m here for, Ashton.”

***

Some days, it felt like you’d taken two steps forward and three steps back.

A few weeks into the tour, Ashton was starting to warm up to your help and trust you more, after you’d managed to take care of Ada every night whilst he was on stage with only a few minor bumps. He had his moments; where he turned cold and all but ignored you, wanting to keep Ada to himself. Today was one of those days; much to everyone’s dismay, Ada had managed to catch a chest infection, and Ashton didn’t want to let her out of his sight.

“Ash, we need to go.” Calum told him cautiously, having been instructed by their manager to coax him away from Ada and off of the bus. They had an afternoon of promo and interviews followed by a show and it wasn’t appropriate for Ada to be there, especially when she wasn’t feeling good. You were meant to be taking care of her, but Ashton was reluctant to leave her behind.

“I told you, I’m not leaving her.” Ashton replied sternly, running a hand through Ada’s messy curls as she snuggled into his chest, coughing sadly. “She needs me today, you can go without me.”

“She doesn’t need you, Ashton. She needs taking care of, which will still happen if you come with us.” Calum’s words seemed harsh and he didn’t want to piss Ashton off, but it could be difficult when he was so stubborn and would refuse to listen to anyone. “I know you worry about her, but she’s gonna be fine for a few hours without you.”

“That’s what I’m here for Ashton, I can take care of her.” You reassured him, reaching out to rub Ada’s back in an attempt to get him to give her to you. “I’ll keep you updated.”

“You promise to text if you need anything or if she gets worst?” Ashton demanded, sending a glare of annoyance in Calum’s direction, even though he knew rationally that it wasn’t his fault.

“Of course.” You understood that he was protective of her. But it hurt sometimes when you felt as though he didn’t trust you to take care of Ada, when you’d given him no reason to believe that you couldn’t. In your heart you knew it ran deeper than that. He was her one and only parent, and he took that responsibility very seriously. “Please, try not to worry. We’ll be okay.”

You really did think you would be okay. However, Ada was not; as soon as Ashton had finally passed her over and followed the guys out of the bus, she hadn’t stopped crying. She was hot, uncomfortable, over-tired, and probably missing Ashton.

You’d asked their manager if you could call Ashton, like you promised, but he declined; he didn’t want any distractions, meaning you had to work out how to soothe her on your own.

“It’s okay, Ada.” You paced back and forth in the small bus, rubbing her back and trying to keep her pacifier in her mouth as she cried. Her chest was wheezy and her nose blocked, making it hard for her breathe as she wailed sadly against your shoulder. “Your dad will be back so soon, sweet girl. It’s okay.”

An anxious feeling was building in your stomach at the thought of her still being upset when Ashton got back. He would not be happy, after you were so insistent on being able to take care of her, and how much he didn’t want to leave.

It hadn’t been Ashton’s best show.

He so badly wanted to relax into it and be able to give it his all, like he usually did. But all he could think about was Ada, about how unwell she was and how badly he just wanted to cuddle her until she felt better again. He wanted to trust you; wanted to feel okay with leaving her with you without it putting him in a bad mood. Maybe he’d get there, eventually.

Or maybe he wouldn’t. That’s what he thought, anyway, when he reached the bus and he could hear Ada crying from outside. The guys noticed how he tensed up and his entire demeanour changed, as he rushed into the bus.

“Has she been crying the whole time?!” He asked you without any other greeting, holding his arms out and immediately taking Ada into them. “I told you to call me. You promised me that you would call if she didn’t stop crying.”

“They wouldn’t let me, Ashton. She’s just not feeling well, that’s not my fault.” You replied, the exhaustion from the last few difficult hours making you a little more defensive than you usually would be. It was understandable that he was worried. It was just getting a little tiring that he seemed to be so frustrated with you all of the time, when you were just trying to do your job.

“This is why I didn’t want to leave her with you. This is why I said I wasn’t going to leave her. She needs me.” He angrily rambled, trying not to let his stress cause Ada any further upset but struggling to hold it in due to his annoyance at the situation. “No one listened to me. I should’ve stayed here with her and she would have been fine.”

“That’s not fair, Ashto-“

“Just please, give us some space and let me look after my baby.” He was tired, and didn’t want to say anything else that he would regret, which he knew he would if the conversation continued.

“Hey, cmon. Let’s go for a walk.” Calum grabbed your arm softly, spotting the tears welling up in your eyes and wanting to diffuse the situation. He gestured for Luke to stay with Ashton, knowing that he too needed calming down even though he wanted to be alone with Ada. Michael took the hint and decided to join you and Calum, following the two of you off of the bus.

The three of you walked in silence as you tried your best to hold back tears, feeling like you’d somehow failed both Ashton and Ada. Evidence of the late night cold temperature appeared as you exhaled, clouds of air visible as you took deep breaths to try and calm down.

“I know it’s hard to believe.” Michael started, breaking the silence as the three of you found a bench at the far end of the car park, overlooking the arena they had just played at. “But it’s not personal to you. He would be acting the exact same way with anyone else in your position.”

“I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” You replied, trying to swallow the lump in your throat and keep the tears at bay, not wanting to cry in front of them. “He seems so frustrated with me all of the time. I’m just trying my best. She’s a baby, they get ill and they cry sometimes. I thought he would understand that.”

“And he does.” Calum reassured you, patting your knee to offer his comfort as he tried to explain. “Ashton is a complex person. He’s been through a lot, especially in the last year. I don’t know how much he’s told you about Ada’s mum, but I’m guessing it’s not a lot.”

“He always seemed so sad whenever I mentioned her, and he never said anything. So I just stopped bringing her up.” You explained, knowing that it was a sensitive subject not only for Ashton but for the whole band. “I don’t even know her name. He’s such a closed book. I just want to get to know him, and I want him to know me so he’ll trust me with Ada.”

“Ada’s mum passed away when she was five months old.” Michael murmured, almost too quiet for you to hear what he said. “There were a lot of complications after she was born. Her body just kind of gave up.”

Your heart broke at his words, and you sighed deeply. It explained a lot. It explained why Ashton was so reluctant to talk about her, and why his entire mood changed whenever she was mentioned. Your heart ached for Ada. The sweet baby girl who barely had a chance to get to know her mum, and now she never would.

“It took Ashton a long time to find someone who he truly felt himself with. She was it for him, you know? They’d only just got engaged before she got pregnant with Ada. They didn’t even have the chance to get married.” Calum felt as though he might be telling you too much, that it should have come from Ashton. But you were here for a reason, and he thought you deserved an explanation for why Ashton seemed to be making it so difficult for you. “He’s always struggled with his emotions. But he’s still healing. He’s so used to being alone with Ada, he’s all she knows. I think he’s just scared to let anyone else in.”

“He wouldn’t accept much help from us either, if that makes you feel any better. We all offered to move in with him after she passed, because he was struggling so much. But he said he could handle it alone, so he did.” Michael added, adding another piece to the jigsaw you were forming mentally, trying to work Ashton out. “Thats what I mean when I say it’s not personal. He wants to do everything alone.”

“You should talk to him.” Calum suggested, turning to look at you so he knew you were listening. “There’s a reason he is the way that he is. But I think you need to hear it from him.”

***

“She just wants to help, Ash.” Luke felt like they were going in circles. He wasn’t sure Ashton had listened to a word he had said, as he walked in circles and rocked Ada against his chest, patting her back to try and clear her chest a little. She had calmed down since Calum and Michael had diffused the situation, sadly clinging to his tshirt in an attempt to soothe herself. “Her only reason for being here is to help out with Ada, and you’re not letting her do that.”

“Ada doesn’t need her.”

Luke resisted the urge to roll his eyes, resting the back of his head against the wall as he sighed. He felt like he was talking to the wall. He had known Ashton for a long time, and had never experienced him being as stubborn as this in his entire life.

“Why are you so against anyone helping you? She has done nothing wrong. She’s given you no reason not to trust her. You and I both know that it wasn’t her fault that Ada didn’t settle tonight. You’re giving her such a hard time.” Luke didn’t want this to escalate into an argument - that was the last thing they needed. But he saw no other way to get through to Ashton, and it needed to be said.

“You don’t understand, Luke.” Ashton felt so vexed, like he was so deep into his frustrations that he had to try so hard not to blow them all onto someone he saw as his younger brother. “Ada only has one parent, and that’s me. Her mum isn’t here anymore, and she never will be. I promised her that I would do everything for Ada. She’s my responsibility, so I should be the one taking care of her.”

Luke sat in silence for a moment, his heart aching at the rant spilling from Ashton. Not one to talk about his feelings, he knew this had been building up for the last seven months.

“Are you worried she’s going to replace Ada’s mum?” Luke asked cautiously, watching as tears pricked Ashton’s eyes, who was looking down at his baby girl, attempting to find a distraction. “Because that’s not what this is, Ash. Not at all.”

Ashton didn’t reply.

“Let us help you both, Ashton. That’s all we want.” Luke continued, noticing how the first tear spilled from his eye and slipped down his cheek. “We love and care about you both so much. You have to let people in.”

Ashton didn’t want to admit it, but Luke was right.

Everyday was another day further away from when he last saw the love of his life; the person he could see himself spending the rest of his days with, building his family and growing old with. She was never coming back. That was something he had tried every day to accept; he thought he had. When in reality, he wasn’t sure he ever could.

“When she feeds Ada, or changes her, or rocks her to sleep, all I can think about is the fact that her mum should be doing that. And she’ll never be able to.” Ashton broke down. Luke quickly moved into action, gently taking Ada out of his arms and holding her in his own, so Ashton could take a moment for himself. Ada quickly settled against him, suddenly making the whole situation much more emotional to him too. The fact that she’d never get to know her mum was enough to break anyone’s heart. And she had no idea. “I’m the next closest thing to her mum. I’m all she knows. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her too.”

“You aren’t leaving her. You’re right here with her, Ash, she knows that. She knows you won’t leave her.” Ada was watching her dad with sleepy eyes, identical to those of her mum, sucking idly on her pacifier as Luke held her close. “You don’t have to do this alone. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, if not for your own sake, for hers.”

***

You, Calum and Michael wandered around the car park for a while longer, trying to lighten the atmosphere and the mood by talking about things other than Ashton’s situation. Your heart ached for him. He was clearly in a lot of pain, but was taking it out on others, and you wanted to get to the bottom of it.

“Hey, you’re back.” Luke spoke as the three of you headed back onto the bus, finding Ashton sprawled across the sofa, Ada tucked underneath his tshirt, against his chest. She had finally fallen asleep, one tiny hand clutching the necklace hanging against Ashton’s chest, like she was trying to keep him there.

“Can we talk?” You asked, Ashton’s gaze breaking from watching Ada sleep to you stood directly in from of him. He didn’t have the energy for this conversation, if he was being honest. But it needed to be said, and you deserved an explanation.

“I think that’s a good idea.” He replied, gesturing for his three band mates to give them some space. They quickly took the hint and moved to the back room, arguing over which video game to play first.

You had no idea what the conversation between Ashton and Luke had consisted of. You couldn’t help but notice his slightly red and puffy eyes, suggesting he had been crying, and you knew this was about to be a difficult conversation.

“I’m really sorry about earlier.” Ashton started, his deep eyes looking straight into yours, offering a genuineness that you had never felt from him before. “I shouldn’t have blamed you for Ada being unsettled. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Thank you.” You replied, giving him a weak smile as an additional thanks. You genuinely appreciated his words - you didn’t want him to think you were incapable of caring for Ada when she was ill. “But I’m sorry too. I promised you, I should’ve been more insistent for them to tell you what was going on.”

“It doesn’t matter now anyway.” He waves his hand at you as a gesture of forgetting about what had happened previously. “I feel like I owe you more than one apology. I know you’re trying, and I’ve probably made it a lot more difficult than it should have been.”

“I just want you to trust me, Ashton. I care about Ada, and you need to understand that I’m here to do just that; care for her. But that doesn’t mean she needs you any less. You’re her dad, she knows that.” You reassured him, knowing there was no point holding anything back. If you’re were going to have this conversation, everything need to come out.

“You’re the first woman I’ve seen care for Ada like her mum used to.” Ashton stated, rubbing Ada’s back as she stirred a little in her sleep. “Except for my mum, I’ve only seen her fall asleep with me or one of the guys. Seeing you take care of her like that, it just... it makes me wish her mum was here.”

It suddenly started to make much more sense.

You were the first person to act as a mother figure to Ada, since her own mum passed, and that had to be hard for Ashton to see.

“I’m not trying to be her mum.” You sighed, moving from sitting oppsite to sitting next to the two of them on the sofa, so the conversation seemed less confrontational. “I’m really not, Ashton. I never thought of it that way, but Calum explained a few things to me. I’m starting to understand how you saw it like that.”

“She’s not going to remember anything about her mum.” He continued, his voice soft as though he was just rambling thoughts that had plagued his mind over and over again. “It breaks my heart. I guess I just got scared that you being here would replace the little memories she does have of her.”

“I’m sorry.” It felt like the only thing you could say.

He shook his head, almost offering you a small smile as he seemed to relax all of a sudden. “It’s not your fault. I’m punishing you for it and that’s not fair.”

It felt like a weight had been lifted. Like he’d finally come to terms with the fact that he was surrounded by people who cared about him and Ada, and all they wanted was to help him.

“You can talk to me, if you want. I’m here for Ada but that means I’m here for you too.” You offered, reassuringly placing your hand on his shoulder as you spoke.

“I appreciate that.”

The frustration that had previously lingered like a dark cloud in the air seemed to have cleared, as you and Ashton sat in a comfortable silence, watching Ada sleep comfortably on his chest.

“Do you want me to put her down?” You asked, with a hint of amusement in your voice, almost like it was a test to see if you had actually gotten through to him.

He returned your smile, chuckling to himself as he softly kissed Ada’s forehead and sat up from the sofa. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

It wasn’t a lot, but it was progress. As you settled Ada into bed for the night before heading to your own bunk, you thought maybe, things wouldn’t be so difficult after all. 

***

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