#ahavas chinam always

[laineystein]

The story of Tisha B'Av is Hashem telling us: My light is no longer residing in the Temple, but within each of you. Take the time and see my light in each other. Because when you search for me in each other, I'll reveal myself everywhere else.

[thebeautyoftorah]

Devarim–Tisha beab

bs'd Shalom. The thought of this week of my book Healing Anger is "Emotional self-mastery does not happen overnight. Even if we find it difficult to achieve, we must keep trying. It’s worth it! If we keep our minds focused on positive and joyful thoughts, our lives will be infused with happiness, and we will pass it onto others too! Hashem gave us life to be enjoyed, not endured. The more joyous we are, the less anger we will experience.” Buy my book at http://www.feldheim.com/healing-anger.html If you want to buy it from me in Israel let me know. To join the over 4,000 recipients in English and Spanish and receive these insights free on a weekly email, feedback, comments, to support or dedicate this publication which has been all around the world, or if you know any other Jew who is interested in receiving these insights weekly, contact me.

Shabbat Shalom. Devarim–Tisha beab  Giving Rebuke This parsha describes Moshe Rabbenu’s tochacha [1] to the Jewish people. He mentions a number of place names that appear nowhere else in the Torah.[2] Rashi (citing Onkelos) tells us that these names are in fact allusions to places in which the Jewish people sinned. However, Moshe did not explicitly state that the Jews had sinned; rather, he merely hinted to their transgressions.  Moshe did so “because of the honor of Israel”[3]. Even though the Jews needed to be rebuked, to openly mention their sins would have been too much of a pgam on their kavod (a blow to their honor). Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz zt”l derives an important lesson from Rashi’s explanation: “We learn from here how much it is incumbent upon the one who rebukes to worry about and be concerned for the honor of the person being rebuked.”[4] The key factor in determining whether a rebuke will have a positive or negative effect is our motivation for rebuking.  Moshe always maintained his love and concern for the Jewish people even while speaking to them very harshly.  Indeed, it seems clear that this love gave rise to this rebuke; it was purely an act of kindness.  In doing so he was able to remain sensitive to their honor while simultaneously criticizing them. The Gemara states that is exceedingly difficult to reprove someone effectively.[5]  Nonetheless, we are not exempt from the mitzvah of “You shall certainly reprove your fellow"[6], and there are times when one can do a great kindness by clarifying the correct hanhagah (conduct) to someone who is likely to listen.  We learn from Moshe that the one who rebukes must care about the other person and empathize with him, trying to understand where he is coming from and how best to influence him for the good.  Conversely, rebuke can be extremely damaging when it emanates from anger and a lack of concern for the spiritual well-being of the other person.  In such instances, the one who rebukes will make no effort to try to understand why the other person is acting in such a way, and may therefore have unreasonable expectations of him. The following story, told by Rav Dovid Kaplan, demonstrates this point[7]: Raised modern Orthodox, Devoras’s parents instilled in her a respect for rabanim but a critical eye toward charedim.  When she got older, she decided to check it out for herself and prayed at the Ponevezh Yeshiva during the Yamim Noraim. Everything was fine until Simchat Torah. One of the girls present said to her in a loud voice in front of a crowd of girls, “You don’t come to pray here without wearing stockings!” Devora was shocked.  If this was how charedim behaved she was not interested.  However, due to her respect for rabbanim, she decided to go speak to Rav Shach zt“l. When she arrived at his house, there was a long line of men waiting to go in.  When the door opened and the person inside left, they called here in, explaining that women had higher priority.  Pleasantly surprised, she related the shocking story to the gadol hador.  “They did a big averah,”  Rav Shach told her.   “Maybe it was unintentional, but they are still obligated to ask your forgiveness.”  He spoke to her for a long time about how careful we must be to be sensitive to others.  She decided during this talk to become more religious.  Today she is married to a Rosh Yeshiva and her sons and son-in-laws are talmide chachamim. This story teaches us how much damage one wrong statement can do and how much good can be achieved through caring words.  How did the girl who spoke harshly to Devora come to commit such a serious sin when she surely meant to defend shemirat hamitzvot? The answer is that she made no effort to understand Devora’s background or her level of observance.  Consequently, her rebuke not only failed to change her for the good, but it very nearly alienated Devora from charedi Jewry and from becoming more observant. In contrast, tochacha that is motivated out of concern for one’s fellow will lead us to measure our words carefully before correcting their behavior.  Rav Yehonatan Eibeschitz zt”l writes that the greatest way to fulfill the mitzvah of ‘love your neighbor' is by caring about the spiritual well being of one‘s fellow Jew. This attitude manifests itself in the right form of tochacha[8]. This lesson is very pertinent to Tisha B’Av. Chazal tell us that the Second Temple was destroyed because of sinat chinam (baseless hatred).  It was expressed in the fact that people refrained from rebuking each other.  Consequently, several groups of apikorsim[9] were allowed to grow and adversely influence the Jewish people.  According to this explanation of Rav Eibeschitz, hatred is not limited to active adversity, it also includes apathy. Such apathy indicated a severe deficiency in the ben adam lechavero (relationship with others) of the people at the time of the Second Temple. The Gemara [10]tells us that every generation which the Bet HaMikdash is not rebuilt is considered to have destroyed it. This means that our generation is still affected by sinat chinam, which means apathy; not caring enough about one’s fellow Jew to want to help him improve his Avodat Hashem (Divine service). Rebuke can be very damaging when done in the wrong way, nonetheless, if it emanates from a true ahava (love) and caring, then it can surely be used to greatly help our fellow Jew. ______________________________________________ [1] The word, tochacha is generally translated as ‘rebuke’, although a more accurate translation is ‘clarification’. [2]  Devarim 1:1 [3]  Rashi, ibid. [4]  Sichot Mussar, Parshat Devarim, Maamar 88, p.375. [5]  Arachin 16b. [6]  Vayikra 19:17. [7]  Kaplan, Major Impact, p.93-4. [8]  Yaarot Dvash, Drash 10, quoted by Adler. ‘Bina vedaat’, p.345. [9]  Such as the Tzadokim and Beitusim [10] Yerushalmi Yoma 1:1 Le Iluy nishmat Eliahu ben Simcha, Mordechai ben Shlomo, Perla bat Simcha, Abraham Meir ben Leah, Moshe ben Gila,Yaakov ben Gila, Sara bat Gila, Yitzchak ben Perla, Leah bat Chavah, Abraham Meir ben Leah,Itamar Ben Reb Yehuda, Yehuda Ben Shmuel Tzvi, Tova Chaya bat Dovid. Refua Shelema of Mazal Tov bat Gila, Zahav Reuben ben Keyla, Yitzchak ben Mazal Tov, Mattitiahu Yered ben Miriam, Yaacov ben Miriam, Yehuda ben Simcha, Menachem Chaim ben Malka, Naftali Dovid ben Naomi Tzipora, Nechemia Efraim ben Beyla Mina, Mazal Tov Rifka bat Yitzchak, Rachel Simcha bat Yitzchak, Dvir ben Leah, Sender ben Sara, Eliezer Chaim ben Chaya Batya, Shlomo Yoel ben Chaya Leah and Dovid Yehoshua ben Leba Malka. Atzlacha and parnasa tova to Daniel ben Mazal Tov, Debora Leah Bat Henshe Rachel, Shmuel ben Mazal tov, Yitzchak ben Mazal Tov, Yehuda ben Mazal Sara and Zivug agun to Gila bat Mazal Tov, Naftali Dovid ben Naomi Tzipora, Yehudit bat Malka, Elisheva bat Malka. For pidyon hanefesh & yeshua of Yosef Itai ben Eliana Shufra.

[laineystein]

Do you have any tips for not completely falling apart right now? I know everyone always knocks your positivity but its actually one of my favorite parts of following you so I figured if I should ask someone it would be you. Thank you for always being a light…and only answer when you feel up to it. I know you have alot going on right now!

First off, thank you! That’s so kind 🥰

Honestly, it’s kind of okay to fall apart. I wouldn’t expect anything less of any Jew right now. Let yourself feel the pain and lean into those emotions and ideally channel them into something better - action to bring the hostages home, a mitzvah or tzedaka, etc.

When you’re done falling apart? Or during? Hug the people you love so so tight. Hold on for just a bit longer than usual. Take care of yourself - rest and self care are key. Do the things that make you feel like you and do them with people that know you best. Daven - be mispallel for the hostages we’ve lost and the hostages that have yet to come home. Celebrate - lean into simchas and let yourself feel joy and pride at these traditions that have always kept our people going. Dance - because you can. And love your fellow Jew - ahavas chinam always. That is the only way out of this.

Sending so much love your way. We’ll get through this IYH 💙

[laineystein]

I am genuinely curious - what is your opinion on practicing streams of Judaism? (Orthodox vs conservative vs reform vs Reconstructionist). I’m aware there are Israelis have the opinion that diaspora Jews- especially Americans, are Jew(ish), and not necessarily Jewish, if that makes sense? I know there are asshats that get quite nasty towards Israelis and I find that to be disgusting.

Me personally, I always found that to be very hurtful. I’m American, grew up Reform. In the sanctuary part of the Temple, we had two flags positioned on each corner of the sanctuary in the front: one was American, one was Israeli. My Rabbi, my Cantor, and my Sunday school teachers raised us to believe Israelis are distant cousins. Different but similar ideas, customs etc, but all part of the same family. So when 10/07 happened I (like many diaspora Jewish people), were shaken to the core.

And no matter what my personal issues are about the process of the military operation, and Bibi and his govt, I wish and hope everyone stays as safe as they can be while trying to get the hostages out and destroy Hamas.

So I was just wondering what your thoughts are about the clashes between the different streams of practice. I always feel that now is not the time to argue about who is or isn’t more Jewish. We are all feeling the after effects of what Hamas did, and the anti semitism that it has sparked. Once we have peace, then people can debate and bicker if they wish (but I really hope less of us do that). ♥️

So I contemplated how (or if) I’d answer this because I really think Am Yisrael needs ahavas chinam right now and I don’t want to do anything to promote sinas chinam. But I think you can disagree with something and still respect it and show love for your fellow Jews who may practice differently than you do and I think that *is* Ahavas chinam.

So I’d just ask that just as I’m affording respect to others who are different that people respect my view points as well.

So here we go…

A Jew is a Jew is a Jew. Even antizionist Jews, those are still Jews. Even atheist Jews, those are still Jews. I do believe in matrilineal inheritance of Judaism but I’m not going to treat someone differently if their father is their only Jewish parent and they were raised Jewish. It is not my place to say who is Jewish and who is not; I can have my viewpoints but ultimately I am not a Rav.

I was raised orthodox. I didn’t meet a “reform” Jew until med school (which was the first time I ever went to school with goyim) — the denominations you’re referring to are mostly western constructs. There are a few reform shuls in Israel but they’re not as common as they are in America. I am going to be very honest with you and share that many reform practices make me incredibly uncomfortable. Do I think that people that practice them are any less Jewish? Absolutely not.

As someone who spent half of their life in the diaspora (albeit in very Jewish communities with little contact with goyim) I absolutely do not subscribe to any belief that diaspora Jews are any less Jewish. That’s abhorrent. I don’t personally know any Israelis that believe that but I’m sure they exist. All Jews, regardless of their location, are valid.

I will say that it is interesting to me to hear that your teachers referred to Israelis as “distant cousins” - all of am Yisrael is a single tribe. I would only ever refer to a fellow Jew as a brother or sister regardless of whether or not they lived in Israel or the diaspora. It seems there might be some anti-Israel bias in that teaching, which is unfortunate. And it’s amusing because your question insinuates that Orthodox Jews and Israelis are less accepting of reform Jews and diasporic Jews and that’s interesting to hear because my experience has always been the exact opposite.

But in Israel we have similar issues where our religious communities spar with our less observant communities. It was very apparent in our most recent elections and the protests that followed. I find myself existing in both communities and it can be challenging sometimes. Some of my secular friends do have negative attitudes toward more frum communities. Those same frum communities may look down on my more secular friends. Because I do and always have existed in both groups I see both sides. I think both of these black and white attitudes are a chillul hashem and will get us nowhere.

But bottom line, how a Jew lives their life and their relationship with Hashem is none of my business. You do you; Jew do Jew.

(This was kind of all over the place and there’s a lot of tangents I actually *didn’t* go down believe it or not so if you want some clarification, feel free to ask. Or you can DM me and I’m happy to chat about it that way too.)

[laineystein]

I have felt this so strongly lately. And this doesn’t discriminate between Israel and the diaspora. And I can confidently say it as someone who exists in both frum and secular circles. Somehow the people who preach tolerance are the last to practice it.

Ahavas chinam always, chaverim 🫶🏼

[laineystein]

📌

We moved the mattress into the office (mamad) last night because we didn’t want to deal with having to uproot if the sirens went off again. I anxiously sipped at three liters of coconut water in the dark and then finally fell asleep a little after 4am.

We skipped shul. We absolutely could have gone and probably should have but I genuinely needed this Shab to catch up on sleep and between the rockets and the upcoming fast I’m going to be an absolute shell of a human for work on Sunday if I don’t get my shit together. So a bit of shiur on our own. Now hopefully more sleep. (Sleep forever and ever, ameeeen.)

Wishing everyone a truly peaceful rest of Shabbos and a meaningful fast! May we know better, calmer days.

Ahavas Chinam. For the new temple and for always ✡️