#ah fucn

[plumeriacosmos]

i got used to asian fandoms that i was expecting something to drop for white day (march 14) for s3 but then i remembered bridgerton is a western tv show dndndn but still

i want polin crumbs on white day 🥹 manifesting it right now

[strugglingcombi]

yo this is so cringe but

the past few weeks (months tbh) ive been feeling like shit, partially cause of stress and partially cause i have adhd and its just fuckin moodswings af buut a few days ago i was at an All Time Low, and decided to take a break from my art tumblr, delete my insta and twitter and start restricting again (i also sh’d a Lot for the first time in a long while but shhh) BUT he cringe part is now that i have a goal (aka. getting under 60 kg and not destroying the crotches of my pants all the time) i feel. idk, elated?

like even though i am in homeoffice neglecting work which normally makes me a nervous wreck (thank you executive dysfunction for that btw) i am just browsing ed tumblr with a grin on my face like a fuckin idiot

[lvanter]

note: lmao good to see y’all as promised (i didn’t actually promise lol) here a more detailed version also this is like a mix of past tense and present sdfgjskafghs

warning: usual 7mih stuff, which means suggestive stuff, swearing, i call jisung a bitch but that’s a given, and call you a bitch but yk that’s also a given JUST KIDDING I LOVE YOU i also call seungmin a bitch

wc: 2.4 (almost 5)k sdgshsjshhshsjjahhss

“ seven minutes in heaven ”

chan

okay i have something to say chan is a shy boy and would not know how to talk to his crush without stuttering and having red cheeks okay let’s proceed.

chan would be a nervous wreck—almost tripping when he stood up to follow you into changbins way-too-big closet.

and this is chan so if he was like in love with you he would most definitely be too shy to start anything, and if you were shy too: the two of you would stand in silence until the seven minutes was up

but like if you’re a confident bub, or just knew he liked you; you were like why not have some fun yk??

and by fun i mean taking small steps towards him; like so small he doesn’t notice you’re getting closer until he can feel your breath on his skin.

you put your hand on his chest; it was lowkey innocent but chan went feral

his breath hitched and his cheeks went RED, because what the fuck why the fuck are you so fucking close (name) please i have a family you can’t kill me like this i only want to die being suffocated by your thighs

“channie? is this okay?” you whispered to him, your mouth Right By His Ear

“....y-yes……” he managed after like a minute of silence.

he could feel you draw figures and move your fingers up and down on his chest, praying you couldn’t feel how fast his heart was beating.

while it was fun seeing him trying to speak and it only coming out as a weak stutter, you did kind of feel bad for the guy

because like he’s in love with you and you’re teasing him like this

you took a step back just as jisungs voice came “SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP!”

you walked out first, leaving chan standing alone in the closet with a raging boner a fast beating heart and you on his mind

minho

minho is somehow a cocky little fucker and babie at the same time.

when the bottle landed on you after he spun it, a smile spread across his face.

he (LiSten) he took your hand, making everyone else holler and scream as he led you into the closet.

but like he’s a respectful boi and doesn’t wanna make you uncomfortable so he keeps his distance.

but yk it's kind of cold in the closet and your shirt is fortunately unfortunately thin.

you run your hands up and down your arms to get some warmth, and minho is immediately like “are you cold? we could hug so you get warmer? should we hug? i just don’t want you to get cold,”

“minho,” you giggled, and minho's heart just fucking stopped working because your giggle is a godsend sound and he wants to hear it everyday from now on and till he dies, “we can hug,”

minho just gently wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close. your arms automatically went around him and not saying you had never felt safer but you had never felt safer.

(minho decided he wants to hold you like this everyday)

when the “THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP!” yell came, minho kissed you softly on your forehead and walked out with your hand in his. (++ his heart in your hands) (gross romance)

changbin

binnie ?? did you mean a babie ?? yes !! binnie babie !! binnie shy babie ?? yes !! binnie shy babie !!

when the bottle landed on him he went :o

you’re the love of his life ??? he’s gonna be in a closet with you ???? you’re lowkey meant to kiss ????? ma’am ???? what the fuck ????????????

he’s a easy-to-fluster boy so if he even can smell your perfume (or deodorant) he's gonna get a boner go feral

maybe he knows you have a crush on him too and maybe he wants to have the upper hand for once so maybe he leans closer to you so you get flustered

and maybe his eyes fall on your lips and god they look so kissable and he wants to know how they feel he bit his lip as he looks at yours

he doesn’t even register you’re looking at him until…. “changbin? why’re you staring at me?”

he goes red like tomatoes from my grandmother's garden red (which is pretty fucking red)

oh god he’s stuttering trying to come up with an excuse “y-you…you..you have… have something on your face,” he blurted out very quickly—you almost couldn’t understand what he was saying

“how do you know? you can barely see anything in here,” you giggle (why giggle SDGSSJ) and changbin feels his soul leave his body

next thing you fucking know seo changbin is kissing you he honestly tried to hold himself back but when you giggled he went ‘fuck it’

“THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP! IF Y’ALL AREN���T DATING YET WE AREN'T LETTING YOU OUT!”

hyunjin

mother fucking hwang hyunjin okay

hyunjin is a confident flirt until you flirt with him if you flirt with him while he’s flirting with you he will combust

when the closet door closed he honestly felt confident and made you flustered by making suggestive comments and standing just a biiiiiiit too close to you and oh god his hand is on your arm

he kept going making you flustered and feel like you were gonna explode like your mind went blank

but then you get some brain back and you’re like wait a minute i should flirt with him and then he’ll get a boner die! great!

wait no!!!!!!!!

you run your fingers softly over his arm, just slightly so he can feel your fingers are there and he goes red

hyunjin: flirts with you

you: flirts back

hyunjin: (=･□･=)

you’re being mean to him!!!! he’s supposed to mean to you!!!!!! what is this!!!!!?????? a fanfiction??????

“you okay there, hyunnie?” you smile teasingly, resting your palm on his face, feeling how hot it is (rly fucn hot)

you moved closer to him, your lips now really close to his neck h e c a n f e e l y o u r b r e a t h i n g o n h i s n e c k w h a t t h e f u c k r i c h a r d

just as you’re about to put your lips on his neck— “THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP!”

you pulled away with a teasing chuckle, kissing his cheek “that was nice we should do that again sometime,”

jisung

ah yes han jisung; a confident hot mess

so like he’s a cocky bastard but he’s also a babie who will die if you catch him off guard

the entire night he’s been hoping the bottle would land on you and he could get a chance to kiss you in the dark like he’s dreamt of doing for like the past 7 months

when he spun the bottle and it did land on you he deadass threw his fist in the air in victory (you went: °＿° )

jisung made sure to wink at you when you walked into the closest. (to like clarify: it wasn’t making you uncomfortable or anything you’re very good friends and joke like that all the time SDGHSJ)

the door close and jisung goes “just you and me, baby,” because he’s a little bitch who wants to kill you like that

(jisung; “we have all the time in the world”

you: “we only have seven minutes?????”)

he was being a little bitch and teased you so much just standing a little too close, touching you lightly, he's probably flirting with you but like whispering the words directly into your ear (it’s lowkey gross but jisungs hot so you don’t say anything sdghJkssgjss)

by this point (which is 5 minutes in) you’re a m e s s; face: hot ears: hot heart: beating way faster than what is considered healthy and jisung is just proud he made you this flustered

his hand is caressing your cheek so he can feel how hot it is that bitch

but like then felix yells “THERES 2 MINUTES LEFT!” and you’re like “haha what if i,,,,,teased the fuck out of this bitch boy,,,,,???? yeah i’m gonna do it

so you slowly take his hand from your face and intertwine your fingers and jisung is like haha???? what???? but you’re also a bitch so you don’t care

you run your fingers all over his biceps and telling him stuff like “jisungie, you’re so strong,” because you know what it does to him jisung has a praise kink

so obviously jisung flushes red but before he can get anymore flustered felix becomes his savior with his way too loud yell “THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP!”

felix

felix……….felix lee…….lee yongbok……. i lowkey think minho calls him yongbok because he finds it too difficult to pronounce felix lol

felix….. babie…………..felix…..shy..babie …….felix…..best boy……………….felix… owner of my heart……..

like i said in the other thingy felix is kinda hard to place because like yeah he’s babie but he’s also from down there where being called a cunt is a compliment

but most importantly he’s babie and a shy babie that is

okay when the bottle lands on you felix is already sweating bullets and he’s so so so so so scared you can smell it sdghsjs

he tries to keep distance in the closet and make space between the two of you (more for his sanity than yours)

he probably makes small talk (felix is definitely the type of person to talk about the weather with a stranger at a bus stop) asking you stuff like “how are you?” “anything interesting happen lately?” “do you know about my giant crush on you?” “yes”

you make the first move you move closer to him until he can feel you. you run your fingers through his hair to get him worked up

“your hair is so soft, lix,”

“t-th-thank-thank you, i s-stole the shampoo from hyunji-hyunjin”

you laugh slightly at that because can he get more adorable yes

you brush some hair out of his face with a teasing smile and felix is just like ready to die

you know about his crush on you seeing as he isn’t very good at keeping it a secret — the way he looks at you for a bit too long than everybody else and the way his cheeks turn red whenever you talk to him

he’s very obvious lol

you brushed your lips against his, hearing how his breath hitches. your arms around his neck playing with his hair because you’re mean ://

you keep brushing your lips against his and he is just ready to see the light if you don’t fucking press your lips against his completely- oh fuck are you actually gonna do it??!?!!!!!?????!!?????

your lips are so close to his. they’re touching but not pressed together now. oh my god oh my god oh my go-“THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP!”

seungmin

the dandiest boy yes

seungmin is a playful person even more so with his crush (aka u)

he’s always teasing you n calling you an idiot

now seungmin is a meanie and knows you have a crush on him and trust me babe he uses it to his full advantage (HE DOESNT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU SCHFGJJDKS I MEAN LIKE HE TEASES YOU A LOT BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT MAKES YOU DIE SFSHSJS)

and trust me bois it’s even worse in a small closet

he closes the closet door after asking u if you’re ready for the dark because his mother raised him to be a gentleman

he makes sure to stand close beside you, his hand brushing against yours all the time it makes you want to hold his hand goddamnit seungmin !! let me hold your hand!!!!!!!!!

your breath get shaky when he moves you so you’re facing him instead of the inside of the door. he fucking Listen this bitch kim seungmin fucking begins running his fingers slowly and softly over your lipsssssjsjhsHhshwhaajHSHAHSHAJJAWJ

and you’re over here like (=･0･=) seungmin you bitch

he’s teasing you the entire time leaning close to you to see how flustered you look actually finally takes your hand holding it tightly in his making your heart go boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom what no i didn’t copy paste the lyrics

“you okay there, angel?”

t h a t b i t c h

“wh-what? y-y-ye-yeah im...im..im fine…. haha why- why wouldn’t -why wouldn’t i be…? haha…” no don’t make me flustered your so sexy aha

god he’s embarrassing you

he actually fucking actually peaks your lips to which you let out a small sqeak to which he fucking laughed at you that bitch

“THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP!”

jeongin

jeongin is the actual devil don’t be fooled by his cute face

aright so my boy jeongin is in love with you and have been for like 9 months

why doesn’t he confess you may ask and i’m gonna reply it’s because he’s a coward

he knows jisung hyunjin felix n seungmin planned for him to end up in the closet with u even before it happened

they were all up in his business before they left the dorm all like “make sure your lips aren’t chapped you may have to kiss someone wink wink” yes jisung did say wink wink out loud and shit like that

so when the bottle landed on you he couldn’t say he was surprised lol he did give the middle finger to the four as he walked into the closet

“so….what should we do for the next seven minutes?” he asked you, surprisingly calm he was surprised at how calm he sounded sfghdkshdk

i said surprised too much

despite how calm he sounded he wasn’t calm at all; his hands were sweatier than they had ever been and his heart was beating far to fast

he can barely look at you for too long without turning red as a tomato so imagine how he feels when he’s locked in a closet with you

“well we could do what they expect us to,”

oh you bitch

jeongin flushed red, ears and cheeks heating up to an alarming warmth like earth

“y-you me-mea-mean k-kiss-kiss?”

“hmm,” you confirmed, cupping his face making him go feral because of fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck you’re so close to him oh fuck oh fuck

you do actually kiss lol — you slowly lean close to him giving him a chance to back away. you stop just before your lips touch

“we don’t have to,” you whisper.

H E C A N F E E L Y O U R B R E A T H O N H I S L I P S HELLO POLICE???

“i-i want...i want to…” and with that your lips are on his and his heart just goes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“THE SEVEN MINUTES ARE UP! YALL BETTER BE DATING!”

[mingi-bubu]

Best stage time please let us be wrapping up it is 07:19 and i woke up at 1400 yesterday afternoon and haven't slept since

Who it be who it be?

MONSTA X OH HELL YEAH THEY DO DESEEVE RHIS

Oh the man from the mx performance can speak English fluently very sexy of him

Best dance performance? I think?

Favorite dance performance group ah okay

TXT!!! THEY'RE OUT HEREEE

I'm v happy for them

Notable achievement artist

Seventeen!!!

Very happy for them

Still don't know so many of the members

Got7 performance time fuck yeah

Time to screenshot so mcuh

MOTHERUFKING JAEBEOM

Fuck that was so good that was such a good performance

Best MV

Taemin better be nominated on GOD

If he isn't I will commit crimes

The winner is... YOURE FUCKING KIDDING ME HOW DID THAT WIN OVER FUCKING CRIMINAL? THANXX? INCEPTION??? ONE(MONSTER + INFINITY)??? TURN BACK TIEM?? I FUCJING HATE IT HERE

Favorite Asian Artist

I also accidentally spilled ice cold water on my pillow this sucks

WAYV BITCH HILY FUCK

Ten looks so fucking good I'm Looking

I'm perhaps crying a lil over them

Oh mamamoo stage 👀

I am gay

Not sure that I'm vibing with Everything going on but Aya is playing

Hmm no yeah really didn't vibe with that instrumental there's something.... CA about the thing

But the choreo is good

How do they put a center in a 4 person group

Fun otherwise though! Moonbyul was so pretty

Favorite Female Group

The winner is... IZ*ONE

I don't follow them but congratulations!!! The gifs of their performance I've seen have always been very pretty

Favorite Male Group

The winner is... NCT

The way I only know that resonance is playing simply bc I haven't listened to it and therefore it must be that

YuWin hug 😭😭😭

Seventeen performing

Vernon ob my gdo

Is this scoops?

dK

God they're fun

Junhui please don't have a mileltMINGHAO PERM EHAT THE FUCK HLLY SHIT

I love them being fans of the other menbers

Vernon belseae

Red shoe guy ILY

MINGAO THOYHJTS ONLY FUCK

The way I know if anyone but him wore that outfit I would call them a douchebag in the vermont ski hills

The four members i know are doing fantastic and everyone else is doing great

The counting boy. My hand in marriage

Junhui FUVK

This really pops the fuck off fuck dk looks so good fuck fuck fucn

YHE SET AND FIT CHANGE BIRCH

The high note i

There I want to be there so much

MINGHAO PLEAEE

JUNHUI YOU TOO STOP BEING YOU YOU'RE TOO GOOD AT IT

dk and a white tux are gonna kill me

So is junhui in the WHITE VERNON FUCK THHE WAISRCOST

MINGAO my hand in marriage and my left kidney are yours for the taking

Fuck that was such a fun performance

[rjalker]

Wow okay holy shit that dream was awesome.

Also super fucking gross what the fuck

But also awesome.

Okay. Where the fuck to start.

TW for violence, body horror, gore, ect.

It was Vincent’s birthday, and like, for whatever reason, only Father, Mouse, and Catherine showed up to his party, which as being held in the Winterfest Hall. Vincent himself didn’t show up, and the cake was starting to go stale.

So fucking. Catherine. Astral projects herself out of her body to go find him to tell him to get his ass down to the chamber to celebrate his birthday and eat some freaking cake.

She finds him in his bedroom, unconscious, with a red-robed figure standing over him.

Like, obviously, her first thought is OH NO VAMPIRE and fucking launches herself at the dude intending to tear him to pieces. But then he turns around and she recognizes him? Even though I’ve never seen the guy in my life. Either way he’s apparently a good guy and also a healer and a psychic and he’s also astral projecting himself and he’s come with some VERY VERY VERY BAD NEWS.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t get to deliver that very very very bad news because the bad news happens before he gets the words out.

A massive earthquake strikes New York City, and the tunnels. fucking. collapse. 

Like, so suddenly no one has time to do anything. The only ones left in any sort of good condition are Mouse and Father, because the Winterfest Hall is not only very sturdy, but also apparently magically shielded.

Since Catherine was astral projecting when the earthquake hit--and where the earthquake hit--she’s unconscious, and all the injuries her wolf body took have now transferred over to her human body which. Is where the gross part came in.

Because when she was hit with all the falling debris, it included but was no limited to: A nail being driven through her right eye (which I guess I had that coming considering what I did to her daemon): tiny shards of glass ripping her left eye to shreds (again, I deserve that), both her arms broken (that I can’t claim any fault for) and appppppppaaarently??????????? her facE???????? is on a hinge??????????????? and Mouse fucking??????? flipped open her face so it swung to the side so he could look at her skull??????????????? like she’s fucking Data or something?????????? but with real flesh and bone?????? 

And he was all calm and casual like “ah, yep. Just as Mouse suspected. Her face opens. Looks like her skull got carved up. That’s not good.” And then he just fucn swung her face shut again and latched it.

And I’m just like????? What???????

And then like. Okay there was a time skip or something of an hour or two later.

Since the tunnels collapsed, they brought down a whole fuck ton of like, streets and building with them. So like, everybody knew about the tunnels and the people who’d been living down there. Mainly, because Mouse was teleporting the injured to the streets and shouting at people to get them help before teleporting back down. Because apparently Mouse could teleport.

So like.

Everything was super chaotic but the good news was, it was like, somehow only the people in the tunnels who’d gotten hurt. So like. All the possible resources were going towards helping them. And like.

Part of Catherine’s appartment collapsed, but again, miraculously, no one was hurt.

But Catherine was missing.

And Joe and Edie were quietly flipping the fuck out because they searched the entire apartment from top to bottom but they couldn’t find Catherine so they were just starting to search the area where Mouse was teleporting people to, showing people Catherine’s picture and asking if they’d seen her.

They were hoping she was one of the many many people helping the injured.

They split up after an hour to cover more ground, and after a while Dude In The Red Cloak directed Edie to the top floor of a nearby house (I don’t think they have houses in New York but okay), and told her that Catherine was in there. But he was very, very sorry, because she wasn’t helping the injured, she was one of the injured.

Edie was like “Oh thank you god. I love her, you know.” And like, by “love her” she was talking about Catherine and I’m like ????really?????she’s rich and she makes you pay for your own lunch and you love her?????

And then Edie ran up to the house where Catherine was, which, I gotta fucking say, was a really poorly designed house. It was like, a Fallout 4 house that was half built, and definitely not navmeshed, since there was no front door and the stairs led up to the roof and then you had to glitch yourself through?? a wall?? to get into the attic. And then from the attic there were mismatched stairs leading downstairs that again were not navmeshed so no one could use them anyways.

Anyways. Catherine had literally just woke up when Edie managed to find the right spot to go through the wall and like, since Catherine had been astral projecting when she got hurt, she was still in a semi-wolf-like state, and snarled when she heard footsteps because, since she was now blind, she couldn’t see who it was and was in enough pain she couldn’t recognize Edie’s footsteps.

Apparently someone (not! me!!!) had replaced her eyes with...dice. From dungeons and dragons. The super multi-sided dice. One of them was magenta and the other was purple.

Butttt they didn’t. fit into her eye sockets properly, so they kept falling out. I’m not sure what they were meant to accomplish.

Edie managed to calm Catherine down (apparently Edie knew that Catherine could astral project and was used to dealing with a not-human version of her) enough that she could approach and lead her through the wall and down to where paramedics were finally gathering.

And then. Another timeskip.

Catherine was now in a special cell, a kind specifically used to prevent people from astral projecting their way out.

This was, supposedly, a hospital. And supposedly, a mental health hospital.

It was neither of these things.

Catherine was told that she was there to help her recooperate from her injuries, both physical, and psychic. Since getting so badly hurt while astral projecting that it transfers to your waking body means that your soul has now been royally fucked up.

And they told Catherine they were trying to help her. And they sent a “therapist” into her cell to talk to her.

And they weren’t allowed to have cameras in the cells, for privacy, you see. But they could record audio.

So this “therapist” calmly explained to Catherine what had happened to her and why she was there and what they hoped to help her with, and all the while he was calmly and casually hurting himself with objects in the cell. Slamming his arm into the wall hard enough to bruise, grabbing one of Catherine’s hands and raking her claws down his face, ect.

All so that he (and the facility) could claim that she was violent and unhinged (oh I just now see the joke) and needed to stay there longer.

The real reason she was in this facility (which was neither a hospital for physical or psychic wounds) was because ever since the tunnels had collapsed, Catherine had been having visions.

She couldn’t remember anything from these visions except two ideas: She had to kill Hercules. She had to kill all versions of Hercules. Hercules needed to die. He had to die by her hand. She had to kill Hercules.

And more importantly, she needed to find Vincent.

Because, you see, when the tunnels collapsed, Mouse managed to teleport everyone to the surface, one by one. Everyone except Vincent, who was nowhere to be found. Not above, not below, not in the realm of the Dude in the Red Cloak, who swore he hadn’t had time to teleport Vincent (and had no reason to keep Vincent from them if he had), and allowed them to search his entire pocket dimension to prove it.

The not-a-real-therapist made some kind of mistake as he was leaving her cell. He forgot to type in some code or cast some spell.

Either way, there was enough of a gap that Catherine could break free.

The cell was suspended in the air, to stop prisoners from trying to escape.

Which really wasn’t an issue when your astral projected form was a wolf that could control the speed at which it moved.

So she had no problem landing lightly on the floor fifty feet below her cell, and then sleepwalked her human body down the same path, and then took off out of the facility through the sewers, because, I mean, come on. You have to escape through the sewers. It’s like a requirement.

Anyways. The people in the facility tried to send hordes of reanimated skeletons after her, but she was fast enough (and strong enough) that she could kick their asses and escape anyways.

Off to rescue Vincent from whatever horrors awaited him.

[rosesvioletshardy]

AH FUCK YOU NO FUCNING SHUTOUT FO YOU

[roboneuro]

Rember when I used to tag fandkm shit

[shadymultiverse]

Its really hard to not fucking reach out for validation. I know i wont get it and i knwo thathg litteraly everyone who spoke to me these past couple of days will not get what im trying to say anyway.

The gardest part is that I tried ti acknowledge them and to validate their feelings. I felt like they all made some valid points. I was obly hitting up my one friend when i needed aomething, but prior to getting to that point i tried to be a real friend to her. I really thought we had something real. She completely disproved all of that though. Leading with "i know we arent good friends" i guess we werent really.

When i was suicidal I didnt feel like I could confide in her. I didnt feel like they would care or understand. I hadd tried to tell them i wasnt ok but they just... disregarded the emotions. Every time i tried to talk they walked away from the conversation. If it got heavy at all they didnt want to have it.

So I jsut stopped trying.

I guess i dok nt really know how to be a friend to someone. She said you were always kind but thats not a friendship. I thought thats exactly what a friendship is. Your kind to each other, you laugh with each other and you seek each other out over other people because you like each other. I dont aprticularly like people. I cant spend much time with anyone or i get overwhelmed with all of their emotional bullshit, but i try to be as good a friend as i can.

But really... i dont want friends. Ive never had them for any amount of time. Ive never had anyone that ever wanted to stick around for more than a year or two.

Up until tuesday I had four exceptions to that reality.

Now i just have one.

I think its funny that she looked over my other friends shoulder saw her name and just fucking ran with it. I wasumping her into a category but she decide di was talking dhit about her behind her back. I think thats such a fucking childish notion.

Soemthing shes super fucking agressive about but i happen to know she does all the time. And whats even funnier... I wasmt tlaking shit. God. I just hate that its considered that to ever even mention anothe rperson i must be a shit talker.

Is it shit talking when jts truth? When its just mentioning someone? When its barely even a thing? She just fucking took off with it and fucking ran away

She shamed me as well. And she doubted me

If you were suicidal....

Not if, nah, i was suicidal.

Verything about this stupidity is in the phrasing. If i was suicidal. The fact thay i didnt like you game didnt mean that i didnt like you. No it qas all in the way that you went about telling me how much you ficning hated it. The entire time we playe dit. You fucking belitted and put it down. You treated thw game like it was the biggest waste of your time.

Im sorry that i tried to do somethi g fun instead of fucking sitting in a tiny ass room getting fucking wasted.

I think its important to be realistic about what and who upset you. Which is why i said you and her when speaming to my first friend about all of this.

What frustraits me the most is that Chanda assaulted me verbally so quicy and entirely that i didnt even get to rpocess what i had said to aubrey or what she had responded with. It became a out Chanda and the chip on her shoulder.

I realky dont want to talk to her again but i also hate the way that it was left. The totality of how little she acknowledged my pain.

Nd yet i know i hit a lot of nerves. I have to remember thag. I hit nerves and thats why she blew up the way she did. It was really clear by how agressive and falsely nice she was being from begining to end. It was clear to me that she was absolitely fucking furious with me. I dont think it qas so much with me but her own inability to acknowledge her fualta.

No one wants to think that them spending 3 hours belittling a game is going to damage someones fucking heart as much as it can. When something is am extension of yourself and someone steps all over it its fucking hard to feel anything except stupid for trying to include anyone in your stuff.

And when every time you end up hanging out with someone its only because you reached out to them, you took the time to talk to them. Or they happened to be soemwhere you ended up. They never try so of course you focus on what you can get from them instead of what you can give them. When your already doing everything you can...

I see it all over the place in my world. Ive got so few people that actually reach out. Just the one, really. She texts me i text her, we call each other. Sometimes we go weeks without talking but it doesnt bother me cuz i onow that shes busy or im busy or whatever.

Ive done three experiments with those other three friends to see how long it would take for them to message me first. Every time i ended up being the one to reach out.

When in a room together i tried to communicait and i tried to be open ut i meber felt heard. And clearly i wasnt because my feels came as a total shock when revealed.

I was the only person activy trying to be a friend. And maybe thats ebcause my biew of friendhaip amd their view of friendship are different from mine but these are new a bounderies that i am trying to fucning establishm bounderies so i dont feel used and ignored and otherwise mistrwated by my friends.

I want to feel ehard by them. I want to be able to have real conversatuons with them about anythjng and everything. I dont want to feel like they are belittling me about tje things i like. I want to get text messages like the ones i send. I want to have open and valuable communication. I want truat. I want people to understand the different between talking shit and establishing a pattern and getting advice.

I dont want to feel so cornered that i get viscious if they are someone i care about. I do not like that i have been pushed into being viscious thia week ebcause i like to be mean and when i release that person she takes ober and she is a truely cruel human being with mor egard for anyones emotiona. I like her because shes firm and shes realistic and shes gets shit done ut ahe also kind of scares me and she ruins my hard work....

Of courae if i would just let her take the reigns i might actually be out of my situation by now knstead of circling the suicidal drain off and on for the last 6 years....