#agender is tagged cause that’s what I more am? a/fluid in a sense. I’m like. NOT a woman. not a man either. I’m [redacted*].

[antimatteruniverse]

Finally got the guts to come out to my older sister, both in sexuality (I say “Bi/Pan/Whatever you wanna call it”) and gender (I say “non-binary” but also specify with labels like agender and “a lil fluid”)!

She is (or can be) a troubled person herself, but in a way society deems acceptable, so she doesn’t, I think, always get the push she needs to help herself. Example: she and her boyfriend are both Pharmacists, so they have a (nice) house and pay off their student loans as best they can. But, for example, at least a few years ago, the pattern I had for seeing her was her over-drinking alcohol, all of us (Our old ass parents, her boyfriend, myself) allowing it to happen, and her either breaking down, or becoming inconsolably hostile, about real or perceived slights current or past (or misconstrued altogether).

That said, I’ve been busy and distant from my family the last few years, working on myself, living my own live in Minnesota, right? But I’ve been trying to connect, so I came out to my parents. It went better than I could’ve imagined, even though I had been putting it off. They accepted it, and also mentioned it wasn’t a huge surprise, altogether. I’d always been sensitive to “Gay” Issues, and human rights in general, and my bestie growing up came out to me as a trans man at age 14, my parents and his fam by 15 or so, and started physically transitioning on T either just before or just after high school ended. And they love him; when they come up North to visit me, he’s who house watches and petsits (frankly, it’s good his mom loves him, or I think my mom would adult-adopt him right-now-immediately! 🤣). And my dad works with nonbinary people, understands they/them pronouns better, and my mom isn’t quite their, but loves me and is trying.

Anyways, I didn’t know how to come out to my sister, so I just sent a long, but genuine, silly text message. Prefaced, though, with the idea that I’d like a more couth way to come out, but I know if I called her out of the blue, she’d definitely think there was trouble or death be’n that I never call her ever! Anyhow, I get back that she doesn’t think it’s silly or dumb (words I used in MY text) and that she was happy I was comfortable coming out to her. AND- icing on the cake- she’s bi, too!

I’ve had my issues with her, but I feel closer to her. I also feel that makes it even more charming that I wanted to be just like her for a long period. How come she never left the diaries that talked about gay shit? Only anime or sad things! I speak in jest, but I’m glad I found out now. It’s like a bonus after I’ve made my piece, and a reminder that sometimes you don’t learn things unless you ask, and unless you tell!

[do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas]

My gender, i fucking guess

Ok, so I haven't mentioned this yet, but for the past what, two weeks? A week? I've been thinking about gender - as in my own.

So to sum up my thoughts, I've started down this train of thought about how I view myself, cause like... I enjoy being called a young woman. It makes me feel proud to being called a young lady or a lady. But... why? Am I proud of being called these things cause I'm an adult now? How would I feel of being casually called handsome? A gentleman?

I start overthinking, going down a rabbit hole of doubts and thoughts about how if I am a cis woman. Cause what even is gender dysphoria, or gender euphoria?

Wow, this sent me down a tailspin. But, I just kept this in the back of my mind when I realized I was spiraling down into self-doubt and way too much questioning.

God, I love labels too much.

But... I had an idea just now.

My neurodivergency.

So basically, I was thinking about me being autistic and ADHD, and I was casually thinking about my struggles with social talking and societal rules while watching Whose Line (I know, perfect time to have a gender crisis). This made me think about how - unfathomable social rules are, how we have this strange sense of rules without really understanding why this should be (which is mostly because of society's and its white supremacy and patriarchy).

"Don't put elbows on the table, don't run your hands through your hair." "Why?" "Cause it's rude." "Cause it makes you look stuck-up." Really? Why? Like, genuinely, how is this possible?

This made me come up with my epiphany just now: gender is incomprehensible.

This is why I'm able to "get" things like gender jokes about your gender being a food or people's advice and experiences on gender nonconformity. I always felt weird about understanding it or even relating to it cause I feel like I have to do a thing like "I'm cis but this is relatable", but maybe there's a reason about me being able to "get" other's experiences with gender.

So with this idea, I think I understand what I've been thinking about: gender doesn't exist for me. Like, straight up, the concept is as unfathomable as me comprehending a time before time itself. All I know is what others have told me and how I "see" gender: there is biological male and female, there are pronouns you can use, there are different ways you can present yourself, there are multiple labels to define yourself with like nonbinary, trans, demi, fluid, etc. And I think not only does this help me understand my thoughts around "gender", but it also helps me with things like changing pronoun vocab and to stop thinking of the people I knew as their assigned gender.

Just... gender doesn't exist for me. The names exist and how people present themselves of course exist, but like... what is gender, to me? It's nothing.

I guess, by literal definition, this makes me autigender (if there's another term for someone's neurodivergency making them think of their own gender a different way, let me know). But do I think of myself as trans?

Hm.

I think it's like with my thought process about calling myself sapphic: I know logically and emotionally I'm panromantic, but spiritually, like with my heart and brain, I might be more attracted to woman. I don't want to say I'm gay or a lesbian cause I'm not personally gay: sapphic is a term that's general, something that says I like women, no matter what my sexual attraction is.

So I believe I'm with that about my gender: I know in my brain and heart that I'm a woman, cause that's who I am personally (though I wouldn't mind being called handsome or a gentleman - why not, who cares, I don't believe in gender!!), though I suppose that according to what I've been talking about, I'm nonbinary, by literal definition. Or maybe agender. Hm.

Though I'm still scared. Yes, I know, anyone whose trans is trans and you don't have to "prove" yourself to be a certain kind of trans person. But I'm still nervous about saying I might be trans, like a kind of imposter syndrome. Am I really trans? Would I be taking what isn't mine if I relate to gender jokes or make my own? I still feel like I'm fiercely a woman and stand by all my fellow woman, is that not right? I'm not exactly looking for sympathy or reassurance, just kinda spurting this out into the world.

Hm.

I guess... I'm gonna take a deep dive into the nonbinary tag and blogs. I want to really examine my own views on me being a woman and how I view my gender, cause I feel weird calling myself any kind of trans labels cause they all revolve around gender - cause what even is it in the first place?

Hm.