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contrivedcoincidences6 · 2 days ago

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Sweating out Confessions

Sweating out Confessions - Spooky66 - Mass Effect Trilogy [Archive of Our Own]

Thank you @ageless-aislynn for being my beta! And also thank you to @nestadekarios for always being my #1 fan!

***

Shepard, heartbroken after Horizon, ends up running into Kaidan once more giving them a second chance at reconciliation.

***

In a daze, Shepard called Joker to pick them up and take them as far away from Horizon as possible. Her heartbeat was loud, and her companions' voices faded into the background.

At first, she thought she couldn’t speak over the lump in her throat, but somehow, her voice sounded perfectly normal.

She’d always excelled at pretending nothing was wrong.

Kaidan’s form had long ago retreated but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from where he had walked off. Maybe he’d come back and they could talk privately and she could tell him everything. Maybe then he’d hold her and she’d feel whole again for the first time since coming back to life.

But he didn’t come back and after a couple of minutes the static filling her head cleared and she allowed Garrus and Kasumi to lead her away to the landing zone to wait for pick-up. Garrus said something about giving Kaidan time to cool off. Kasumi said something about ‘exes’ as she laid a hand on her back and Shepard stopped listening.

Numbly, she nodded at their affirmations but continued looking around, hoping to see him again before taking off.

As the shuttle landed, there was no sign of Kaidan and with a sad look back over the settlement, the shuttle doors closed, one final separation between them.

‘Loved’ in past tense rolled through her mind as they flew back to the Normandy and she remembered him telling her he loved her as they lay in the tiny beach house they’d rented. She’d been too choked up for words and kissed him, knowing she loved him but the words had felt too big for her mouth so she showed him instead. The memory began to fade, the love and joy in his eyes replaced by anger as he said, ‘I loved you’.

Her reasons for not contacting him had made sense at the time. When she’d first woken up she hadn’t had access to comms, she’d run to a terminal and tried to message him but was blocked. By the time she was able to send a communication she had a full understanding of the situation, she wasn’t a captive but also didn’t have a choice. In her cabin, there was a picture of her and Kaidan on shore leave that they’d taken of themselves smiling in front of the waves on their last day.

Shepard’s arms were wrapped around Kaidan’s neck as she kissed his cheek. She’d frozen in place the first time she’d seen it. They knew about her and Kaidan and wanted her to know it.

After that, she hadn’t tried to contact Kaidan, even on the terminals in Omega where she communicated with Hackett in highly encrypted messages, the danger was too high. Kaidan could take care of himself but the lengths Cerberus had gone to bring her back and the control they exerted over her made her want to keep Kaidan as far away from them as possible. She reasoned with herself that he had probably moved on and contacting him would disrupt whatever new life he had.

Deep down she feared that if she found out he was with someone else it would finally be too much for her but she didn’t allow those thoughts to take hold.

She reported to Hackett who had all but ordered her to stay with Cerberus for the time being, it wasn’t quite a black op but it was not far off. He wanted the Collectors defeated and found the information she sent on Cerberus useful. Shepard knew it was as much support as she was likely to get from the Alliance.

The weeks wore on and she missed Kaidan desperately. Sometimes she’d wake from a nightmare of her death in space and reach for him. They’d only shared a bed for a couple of months but the comfort of his arms haunted her.

On Horizon all of her decisions had been laid bare as she saw the hurt and betrayal in Kaidan’s eyes and she finally questioned why she hadn’t reached out only to feel that same sick feeling she felt when she thought of him with someone else. Shepard had told herself she’d been doing it to protect him, and that was partly true, but as he glared at her demanding answers she knew that in her fear she’d hurt him deeply.

Once they were back on the Normandy, after shouting at the Illusive Man, Shepard grabbed a bottle of whisky and went to her room where she spent the trip to Illium getting progressively drunker until it didn’t hurt so much to look at the picture on her desk.

He’d sent a message apologizing a few days later and telling her about his grief and guilt after her death. Shepard read and reread the words, sick over how much pain she’d put him through.

A dozen drafts sat in her inbox for two weeks until she finally decided on something simple: ‘I love you, Kaidan, I always will.’

They were words she should have said two years ago but as the weight of her current mission pressed down on her, she couldn’t die again without letting him know.

There was no response back and she was almost glad because she couldn’t afford to let her thoughts slide to him as they prepared to go on their aptly named ‘suicide mission’.

It was almost two months after Horizon when Hackett sent a location and a small data cache through their encrypted messages. The only instructions he provided was ‘Reaper tech I need secured. Leave at drop point after. Go alone.’

It was annoying to stop everything she was doing to secure Reaper tech, but she stubbornly needed to prove to herself that she was still Alliance. So, swallowing her irritation, she plugged the information into the galaxy map, ready to be a good soldier.

It was located on a planet called Boro in the Pylos Nebula, right on the edge of the Traverse, dangerous territory. There was a small Volus colony on the planet but it seemed far out of the way from where Shepard was headed.

Apparently, the Alliance had secretly sent an expert in ancient alien tech there a year ago to begin research on the area. The last message they’d gotten from the man was the location of the tech he’d found and a request for further aid.

That was a month ago, he’d not responded to any messages since.

A storm was brewing making her journey and landing rough, Shepard was not the best pilot but managed it well enough. And she was within walking distance of the outpost.

She’d begun to gather her things, preparing to spend the night in the outpost as the storm would make it impossible to find the tech she was looking for when the pounding started on the hull of the shuttle.

Shepard sighed, some lunatic was out in the storm yelling at her to show herself.

Beyond frustrated by this point, Shepard grabbed her shotgun and opened the door, ready to kill whoever it was that was trying to get in the way of the mission, when the door opened to reveal a familiar form. Even behind his helmet, Shepard recognized Kaidan. His eyes went wide as he recognized her.

“Shepard?!”

She could hardly hear him over the storm but could see the tension in his shoulders, he was not happy to see her.

Slinging her shogun to her back she stomped down the gangway and shoved her helmet against his, the only way to hear each other over the storm.

“What the hell are you doing out here, Kaidan?”

Her voice was thunderous in her helmet.

“Me? Unbelievable! What are you doing here?” he shouted back.

“Classified,” Shepard said before turning back into the shuttle to grab her things.

She marched past him toward the outpost as the shuttle closed but he grabbed her arm and rammed his helmet back against hers.

“I don’t give a fuck about what Cerberus classifies! What are you doing here?”

He was angry, but she also knew he wouldn’t shoot her so she pulled her arm out of his grasp and kept walking towards the outpost. She didn’t need to hear his footsteps to know he was following.

They stood in a silent standoff together in the airlock waiting for the cue to take off their helmets and as soon as the pressurization finished, Kaidan practically threw his helmet off and turned on her.

“Shepard, I’m done messing around, what are you doing here?”

“I wasn’t messing around, Kaidan, I was getting out of the storm and I told you it’s classified.”

“If you’re planning on taking this tech back to Cerberus I won’t let you,” Kaidan said but didn’t reach for his weapon.

Shepard’s sigh was filled with the exhaustion of the past months, hell, the past three years.

“I’m not here for Cerberus, if you haven’t noticed I’m here alone.”

The silence stretched between them as Kaidan tried to decide if he believed her. When he didn’t respond, she made her way into the small prefab building where they’d be waiting out the storm. It looked like a one-person research station and Shepard looked around. It didn't seem like anyone had been there for some time but she wondered about who used to live there and where Hackett had gotten this intel.

There were two rooms and a bathroom. A lab area that was bigger than the rest of the place combined and a small living area with a full bed, a kitchenette, and a small desk. After her short tour, Shepard sat down at the desk to unpack the few supplies she brought with her. Thankfully she’d thought ahead to bring some rations just in case. She’d be set for a couple of days, she glanced behind her to Kaidan’s pacing form, they’d be fine for a couple of days.

He continued pacing, clearly working something out, while she shot off a message to the Normandy about being grounded by the storm.

Finally, after a few minutes, he spoke. “You’re working for the Alliance.”

It wasn't a question so Shepard didn’t answer and he continued, “Is that what this whole thing is? Some black op? Have you been alive this entire time working for Hackett?”

At the accusation in his voice, anger clouded her vision and whirled around in her chair to face him.

“I was dead! I suffocated in space until the Shadow Broker found my body and was going to sell it to the Collectors.” She paused for a breath, trying to calm herself but her irritation and grief compelled her to continue, unable to stop if she tried.

“Cerberus told Liara that if she could get my body from the Shadow Broker they could bring me back so she did and here I am! For two years my body changed through more hands than I can say. I didn’t choose this!”

“Liara gave your body to Cerberus?” Kaidan asked, in a voice cold enough to freeze the air around them.

“Yeah, it’s fucked up but I’m alive,” Shepard said.

She didn’t add that she’d been furious at Liara too when she’d found out, it didn’t seem helpful. At her core Shepard understood why Liara did it, Liara had always been in love with Shepard. It was an awkward fact that had always sat between them. Shepard had considered what lengths she might go to bring Kaidan back from the dead and had decided to let it go.

It still made her squirm to consider strangers poking and prodding her body for two years but, she was alive and even though there were some days she wasn’t happy about it, it was overall a good thing.

Kaidan flashed for just a moment, the dark energy disappearing as quickly as it had appeared, looking almost like a trick of the light. His fists were clenched at his sides and he turned away from Shepard. She’d never seen Kaidan flash, something she’d never held back on when angry. She understood his fury, she’d been pissed too, but it still stung.

“Why are you here?” Shepard finally asked, breaking the tense silence.

“Anderson told me to check it out. Apparently he and Hackett aren’t communicating,” Kaidan responded, still looking away his voice gruff.

With a loud sigh, Shepard leaned her elbows on her knees and stared at the floor, wishing she could find the right words to make it all better. She’d been so nervous on Horizon and had fucked it up badly and she didn’t want a repeat, but her own anger was starting to get the better of her.

“I get your mad, Kaidan,” she said after a few deep breaths, “I haven’t handled any of this well. For me it’s only felt like a few months since I was on the SR1, it’s hard to wrap your mind around missing two years. There’s a lot I wish I’d done differently but I was scared and confused.”

He turned back to look at her with raised eyebrows, his eyes softer than a moment ago and so she went on, still unsure of where she was going with it.

“They have this huge captain’s cabin on the ship. It's got a giant fish tank, a queen bed, and its own bathroom. Absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary.” Kaidan cocked his head at this change of subject so she pushed forward.

“Anyways, do you remember that picture we took on shore leave? The one in front of the ocean we were sunburnt to hell? It was the last day…”

Kaidan nodded as she trailed off, he didn’t smile or look wistful as she often felt looking at the picture he just watched her with an unreadable expression. Shepard swallowed the now familiar lump, looked back down, and kept going.

“It was in a frame on the desk in my new cabin. They must have gotten it off my Omni-Tool and they wanted me to know. It felt like a threat. It was all like that the first couple of weeks just constant mind games with the Illusive Man and my XO. It’s not so bad now but at first I was just trying to get my bearings.”

Hazarding another glace, she found him standing stiffly with crossed arms.

“But honestly it’s all just an excuse I-” she cut herself off, not ready to admit her hidden reasons for not reaching out.

Haltingly she finished, “I should have sent you a message, I’m sorry.”

If he noticed her pause he didn’t let on, his shoulder sagged and he rubbed his forehead.

“Thanks, Shepard,” he responded tiredly, “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did on Horizon.”

Shepard grinned, but it felt strained.

“You already apologized for that.”

Shrugging, Kaidan finally sat down on the bed only a few feet away.

“What can you tell me about your mission?” he asked after a few beats of silence.

She shook her head, unwilling to verbally acknowledge what Kaidan already figured out. It was dangerous enough with just her and Hackett knowing about their agreement she didn’t want Kaidan in on it too.

“Fine, but let me take the tech back. I’ll loop Hackett in, it’s better than having it sit on a Cerberus ship while you take it to a drop point,” Kaidan said.

Static erupted from her Omni-Tool followed by Joker’s voice, distorted by the bad connection.

“Hey Commander- an Alliance shutt- backup?”

Despite the broken message Shepard understood what he was asking.

“Negative. Not sure if you can hear me but I’m just going to wait out the storm, I’m fine.”

“Aye-”

Shepard sighed at her Omni-Tool and continued to take off her armor.

“Once comms are online we can figure something out.”

***

Hearing Joker on the line had brought back the animosity he’d felt towards the pilot since Shepard’s supposed death.

“Joker’s with Cerberus too, huh?” he said, needing something to fill the heavy silence. His tone didn’t come across as easy going as he’d been shooting for.

Shepard nodded and began to take off her gloves.

“I woke up alone during an attack on a Cerberus ship. Once I got my bearings, they showed me the SR2 and Joker was there to pilot. All very convenient.” She almost spat the last part and once again he was left to wonder about her relationship with Cerberus.

On Horizon she’d defended her position but she also seemed to not fully trust them, especially if she was feeding information to the Alliance.

“There’s very little Joker wouldn’t do to fly the Normandy again,” Kaidan said bitterly.

Shepard chuckled despite his bad mood.

“He’s obsessed with his new leather pilots seat.” She paused for a moment and sighed. “I was hard on him about it at first but I think he ultimately joined cause he was mad at the Alliance and Council for dropping the preparations for the Reapers.”

Kaidan shook his head, he blamed Joker after her death and said some things he regretted but the anger was still there. Guilt replaced the anger though, at the thought that Joker would stand by Shepard while he’d refused.

He glanced at her again, she was silently taking off her armor and methodically placing it in neat piles on the ground. It was something he’d seen her so many times and the intimacy of it all made him turn away.

The room was humid and his thoughts were heavy, Kaidan felt suffocated. After removing the heaviest of his armor he knew he needed to find the environmental controls and get the air moving.

He turned around and stopped in his tracks to see Shepard in a loose white tank top and Lycra shorts. Sweat and rain dampened the tank top and it stuck to her body in ways that made his heart race. The same scars that ran across her cheeks were scattered on her arms and legs but it didn’t stop him from wanting to run his hands along her muscled legs and kiss his way down her chest.

Shepard cleared her throat and his face grew hot as he looked away.

“Chakwas says the scars will fade eventually, right now they’re just keeping me up at night.” Her joke fell flat from the strained tone in her voice and he understood that she believed he was looking at her scars. He swallowed, suddenly needing a drink and not sure if he should correct her misconception or just roll with it.

Cowardice won out and he gave a chuckle that was as weak as her joke and they lapsed into an awkward silence as they each arranged their armor and got themselves settled.

He went looking to see if they could get some AC while Shepard pretended to be busy on her datapad. They had no access to the Extranet and their comms were cut so he assumed she was playing a game or taking notes trying to give her hands something to do.

Kaidan felt that same restlessness as he poked around the building and finally found the enviro controls. As he waved his Omni-Tool over it and adjusted the air, he tried to think of what he could do next to keep busy other than staring at Shepard’s glistening muscles and wondering if she was real.

Deciding it was safest to stay out of the living space, he made his way into the lab looking around and finding nothing of interest. Anderson had told him the Reaper tech would be in a shielded site not far from the outpost so they wouldn’t be able to find it till tomorrow. Still he copied some of the notes of the man who had been here before them, saving them on his Omni-Tool before sitting down to read some of it.

The researcher, a man named Saul Mesa, had left little behind and much of it didn’t make any sense but he assumed Hackett’s people would know what to make of it.

Anderson had told him that Mesa had disappeared and they needed the tech secure but the more he looked around, the more he wondered if Saul would be at the site. There was almost no trace of whoever had lived there before except for scattered data pads and an old mug of moldy coffee.

He wanted to voice these thoughts to Shepard but was held back by the small voice that still asked where her allegiances were. She hadn’t confirmed his suspicions that she was working for Hackett which had, at first, convinced him it was true but now he wondered if it was just wishful thinking.

Before all of this he’d been doing ok, not great, but he’d been finding himself occasionally enjoying life without crushing guilt. He’d ended a date with a kiss and had only spent a few minutes hyperventilating in his apartment with the same sinking realization that he’d never be kissing her again.

‘You can now.’

The thought hit him like a rocket to the chest, here she was within arms reach but still so far away. He leaned into the doorway and spotted her slouched by the bed, still tapping away on her datapad.

She didn’t seem to see him and he took a moment to really look at her: except for the new scars, and missing old scars, she looked the same. Long straight nose, violet eyes, and slightly pursed lips he wanted to kiss again so badly. When he’d known her she’d worn her long brown hair in a standard military bun but now her hair was cut short and messy. He wondered if she chose to cut it or if it was done to her.

The glowing orange scars were, of course, new. He was sure she believed that they disturbed him but it only served to make her more striking.

As if sensing his gaze she looked up and locked eyes with him, shooting him a smirk to let him know she knew he’d been staring.

Kaidan leaned against the door and looked at her openly now, trying to project confidence despite his hot face.

“Can I help you, Commander?” she asked in a lilting tone.

“Just trying to figure you out, Shepard,” he responded and she laughed.

“I’m an open book, what do you want to know?”

Her eyes danced as she watched him try to decide what to ask, clearly uncomfortable under her amused gaze.

“Why did you cut your hair?”

He had to stop his grimace as the question left his mouth, what a horrible way to start out.

Shepard’s face fell a fraction and he wanted to call the words back into his mouth but it was too late.

She ran her fingers through her short hair and sighed.

“It wasn’t my choice. Don’t like it?”

Kaidan searched for the words to tell her that he didn’t care at all about her hair or about her scars, or about how her freckles seemed rearranged but saying so would make him more vulnerable than he was willing to be in the moment.

“It looks nice,” he said lamely after too long a pause and his face grew warm again as she chuckled.

“Well thank you, you know how vain I am.”

She was joking but he heard the undercurrent of uncertainty in her voice. Shepard wasn’t someone to care about how she looked but he had the feeling she cared a great deal that she looked slightly different than she used to.

He also suspected she cared about how he perceived her. But he was so used to a confident and unruffled Shepard that he was not quite sure how to respond.

He just knew he had to say something.

“Shepard, it doesn’t matter how you wear your hair, you'll always be the most beautiful person in the room.” His heart beat faster as he said it.

Startled violet eyes stared at him as if trying to figure out if he meant it or was just being nice.

“You’ve always been the only person to call me beautiful, you need your eyes checked,” Shepard said, chuckling but the smile stayed in place as she deflected.

Shrugging and returning her smile, Kaidan felt that warmth in his chest that only Shepard could bring out. Every time they’d talked on the SR1 it would make itself at home in his chest.

“Gemma,” he said and then faltered at the sound of her name leaving his lips and realized he hadn’t said it in years.

Shepard seemed surprised too and waited for him to continue but whatever teasing thing he’d been about to say was lost in the way she looked at him, so pleased and unguarded.

And so he asked the question he’d been wondering for weeks now.

“Did you mean what you said in that message?”

Despite the AC, the air felt heavy again with the question hanging between them. Her answer came fast but the seconds between felt like a lifetime.

“Of course, no matter what Cerberus did to me that’s never changed.”

Part of him wanted to rush across the room, take her into his arms and tell her he loved her too, that he’d spent two years mourning a relationship that had lasted a couple months but he couldn’t move, the risk paralyzed him.

She watched him in the heavy silence for a moment with a sad but kind smile on her face before she went back to whatever she was doing on her datapad.

Suddenly tired, Kaidan sank to the floor, unsure what to do next he pulled out the notes he found and started to write up a report for Anderson.

They sat in silence like this for a while, each trying to find something to do to avoid what was brewing between them. Shepard moved to the bed, still on her data pad, looking for all the world as if she were right at home but Kaidan could see the slight clench of her jaw and the stiff way she was moving.

After an hour passed like this, Kaidan landed on a book he found on a shelf in the living space, some corny Asari romance but it kept him busy and kept his eyes away from Shepard’s reclined form. The storm raged outside, wind beat against the thin walls loud enough to nearly drown out Kaidan’s nerves, the book was not enough to distract him.

He’d missed Shepard for two years and now he was fairly certain this was her, though part of him wondered if he was just deluding himself. Even if it was her, he couldn’t be with her, not while she was with Cerberus.

Doing anything was a recipe for another heartbreak that he wasn’t sure he could withstand again. Still, she looked so damn good laid out on the bed. Minus the glowing cybernetic scars, she could be straight from one of his daydreams.

After a long time of not being able to focus on his book he decided to try conversation again, it was a dangerous tactic but he had to do something.

“I heard Tali joined you,” he said out of nowhere.

She looked up at him with wide eyes and he felt his face warm.

“She sent me a message, she said something about you guys going to the Migrant Fleet?”

“Oh yeah, that was a whole cluster fuck. They were putting Tali, of all people, on trial for treason. I went in, knocked some heads around, and they let it go.”

He was certain there was more to it, Tali’s message hadn’t been big on details but he could feel the Quarian’s gratitude in the short message.

“It’s good to have her back. Frankly, I think she was ready to get away from the Fleet after everything. She goes by Tali’Zorah vas Normandy now,” Shepard said, a grin on her face and pride in her voice.

Kaidan’s heart squeezed at the clear joy written on her face. Most people who didn’t know her considered Shepard to be a serious sort but the fact was that she was just careful who she let see her in this way.

“Not many humans have seen the Migrant Fleet, what was it like?”

She proceeded to describe the various ships in the Fleet in great detail. She’d grown up in Chicago, watching as starships that would span the galaxy were built in the shipyards in her neighborhood. The excitement for ships, aliens, and space travel had never left her.

It was something Kaidan had loved about her from the start. When she would start on a topic she enjoyed, her eyes would light up and gone was the N7 officer, veteran of Akuze, and the first human Spectre and in her place was a little girl who once read stories about aliens and stood for hours outside the shipyards, spying on the progress of ships as they took shape.

The conversation flowed naturally to some of her other companions and their various adventures. She told him of seeing Wrex on Tuchanka, her colorful description of the Krogan home world gave away just how much she’d enjoyed herself there.

“Bet you felt right at home,” Kaidan said, unable to keep the flirt from his voice.

Shepard boomed out a chuckle.

“God, I love the Krogan,” she said in agreement. “That trip accomplished a dream I’ve had for a while now, too: got to kill a Thresher Maw on foot.”

Her glowing smile did little to dim the anxiety that filled him at the thought of nothing between Shepard and a Thresher Maw but air and armor.

Seeming to sense his unease, she waved her hand, signaling it was no big deal.

“Grunt and Garrus were with me, we did great! First people to do it since Wrex. It was nice to knock his ass off the throne, can’t have him getting soft.”

Kaidan rubbed at his forehead more out of habit than any approaching headache, because as they conversed, he knew this was really her, this was Gemma. Back from the dead, she sat in front of him as wild and bright as ever which meant she could die again.

“Hey.” She shifted forward on the bed, trying to catch his eye. “If I can take a Thresher Maw on foot, the Collectors will be a breeze, right? I can handle myself, Kaidan.”

And she could of course, no one could do it like she did but usually he was with her as she squared up against the worst the galaxy had to offer. Reality crashed in on him then, he still didn’t feel right going with her but the idea of not being by her side cut to the bone.

Usually so good with words, Shepard didn’t seem to know what to do about this sudden shift in mood and they stayed in this silent stalemate until Kaidan could breathe again.

“It’s really you,” he whispered.

“I feel like me,” Shepard responded in the same low tone.

He looked up to meet her eyes, shining like two amethysts under the sun.

It hurt more than he would have expected a couple years ago but it was like he was burning up inside. The reality he’d tried to accept for two years was false and here she was. The most incredible person in the world, the woman he’d fallen in love with hard and fast, who had loved him back, was alive.

The galaxy had mourned with him, making his own private grief feel unreal compared to the masses who cried as they held a funeral without a body.

But here she was, as beautiful and whole as she had been the night before the Collectors had torn the Normandy, and his life, apart.

He was somewhere between wanting to kiss her and run away as fast as he could, storm be damned, when the power went out.

A sardonic laugh sounded in the darkness from the bed.

“Bed time I guess.”

***

Kaidan seemed to be processing and she left him to it as they both awkwardly got ready for bed in the light from their Omni-Tools. She felt lighter than she had since waking up, Kaidan had smiled at her, he’d looked at her the way he used to. Hope bubbled up inside her despite the lingering feeling that he didn’t trust her.

From day one, he’d done this to her, she was a hardened career woman, raised with no one and nothing, a veteran of Akuze but he could make her blush like she was thirteen again.

They spent a few uncomfortable minutes trying to figure out sleeping arrangements with Kaidan saying he’d sleep on the floor and Shepard insisting he was being ridiculous.

Eventually they ended up in bed, facing away from each other, both waiting for the other to fall asleep first.

This second life had not given her much rest, sleep was often hard to come by if not impossible. The trauma of her death along with the constant feeling of being monitored and isolated wore on her mind. It was impossible to keep those fears at bay while ignoring the warmth of the man next to her and sleep refused to come.

She and Kaidan had only been together for a little over three months before the attack on the Normandy. A week of that time had been spent on a modest beach vacation where they’d spent most of their time locked away in the cabin they rented. The night before the attack on the Normandy, she’d gotten off her shift late and he was in her bed waiting for her. Too tired to do anything more than fall into bed, she’d cocooned herself against him, comfortable in the time she thought they had left.

Shepard tried to push those thoughts from her mind as Kaidan’s breathing evened out but with him so close, it was hard not to remember what it felt like to be held by him, the way his fingers felt trailing down her body, the way his lips felt against hers.

After some time of watching the storm, listening to Kaidan’s breathing, and feeling his heat at her back, Shepard finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

She was on Horizon, pushing towards the turrets and keeping her eyes out for Kaidan at every turn and with every frozen colonist, her stomach grew more uneasy. As they fought through one more wave of Collectors, she finally saw him, frozen like the others they’d come across, but the relief that he wasn’t on the ship almost made her sag in place.

In a moment her relief turned to horror as a new squad of Collectors landed in front of them, blocking her path to Kaidan’s frozen form. She watched, between waves of attacks, as the Collectors loaded him into a pod and carried him away. Screaming and firing her weapon, she tried to push through the attackers, but they just kept coming until she was watching the Collectors ship take off.

On her knees, she watched them fly off, her throat raw from screaming his name.

“Shepard!”

She clutched her head, drowning out the familiar shout.

“Gemma, you’re safe!”

Waking with a gasp, Shepard tried to adjust to reality.

It was a dream she’d had variations of since Horizon, one that had grown more frequent and violent since they’d infiltrated the Collector’s ship. If Kaidan hadn’t woken her, she knew the dream would have shifted to finding his body on the ship, which usually led to EDI waking her up from the nightmare, asking if she needed to call Dr. Chakwas.

As her heartbeats slowed, she realized that she was pulled tight against Kaidan, their legs intertwined, the only thing between them was her fists which were clutching his shirt. He was rubbing her back in soothing circles, repeating the same comforting phrases in a whisper as she got her bearings.

Without thought, she wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face against him and to her surprise, he returned the embrace and laid a kiss to the top of her head. It all felt so familiar, he smelled the same, his body fit against hers as it had for the few short weeks they’d shared a bed, and her heart ached.

“Sorry,” she mumbled against his neck after a couple minutes.

Feeling suddenly embarrassed she started to pull away but his arms remained locked around her.

“It’s okay,” Kaidan whispered against the top of her head.

Nightmares were not something she was unfamiliar with before her death, even six years after Akuze she would still occasionally wake with a thudding heart, dry mouth, and the pained faces of her squadmates burned onto her eyelids. Kaidan had only witnessed this once, he’d held her then just like he was now until she’d fallen back asleep.

But she didn’t want to sleep now. Usually when she woke up from her Horizon nightmare it was to an empty cabin but this time he was beside her, solid and warm, holding her.

She laid a tentative kiss against his neck, moving her hand into his hair, and pulling her body closer to his.

Kaidan breathed deeply but his hands didn’t stop their comforting caress of her back.

Pulling her face back, she laid her forehead against his, cupping his cheek in her hand and running her thumb along his stubbled skin. His eyes were closed but she watched him for signs that he wanted her to move away. Instead he seemed to be fighting his own desires.

“Kaidan-” she started to say, breaking the heated silence, but she was cut off by his lips.

Unable to help the moan that escaped her, Shepard melted into the kiss.

His lips moved against hers with a sudden intensity, and his hands stilled, no longer soothing, but possessive, one cradling the back of her head, the other pressing firmly against the small of her back.

It wasn’t like the night before Ilos, or the other nights they were together, it felt more desperate, like they both knew it would change nothing but couldn’t help but give in.

At least that’s how it felt for her and Kaidan’s moans and trembling hands were her confirmation that he felt the same.

He moved his fingers along the hem of her tank top before slipping under the fabric to stroke her heated skin.

Electricity raced down her spine and the smell of Eezo filled her senses as she flared under his hands. It was almost embarrassing that he could draw such a response from her, doing so little, but he seemed to like it, and started to pull at the hem of her top. He broke them apart for a moment while he removed it before they crashed back together like the shore to the tide.

It still wasn’t enough, she needed to feel more of him against her warm, alive, real.

Nearly frantic, she attempted to pull his shirt over his head in one quick movement but failed, drawing an awkward laugh from both of them as he finished the job for her, revealing the skin she’d been so desperate to touch.

The moment of lightness settled between them and for a moment, she just stared into his eyes, the color of whisky, pupils wide with desire. He ran his fingers down her cheek once before bringing his lips back to hers. She finally removed her bra, pulling her body against his, skin to skin.

And she was alive for the first time since waking up.

One of his hands moved to her breast and he rolled his thumb over her nipple, causing her body to beg for more. It hadn’t forgotten those nights on the beach with the warm salty breeze flowing over them or the chilly nights on the Normandy where the fact that it was so clearly against regs didn’t seem to matter anymore.

“Kai,” she whispered as he moved his mouth to her neck and trailed kisses down to her chest, finally pulling a nipple into his mouth.

He was over her now, filling her senses and touching her in ways her own fingers had not been able to replicate. Overwhelmed, Shepard clung to his shoulders and let out the kind of noises she’d never been able to vocalize in their time on the Normandy where they always had to be quiet.

When he moved to the other nipple, her hips lifted, grinding against his abdomen desperate for his touch. His fingers creeped down her belly, beneath her underwear, and between her legs to lay soft touches everywhere but where she wanted them. Opening her eyes in consternation, she saw his own amber eyes watching her with amusement.

“Tease,” she said and batted at his chest.

She felt the rumble of his chuckle and couldn’t stop herself from returning his smile. He’d called her a ghost on Horizon and it had been the truth: she’d haunted the halls of the SR2 during the day with empty conversation and filled her cabin with the cries of the dead at night.

But now she was smiling again and she felt her heart beating wildly against her ribs like it was trying to break confinement to get to him, like he could resurrect her.

Taking a fistful of his hair, she pulled his face to hers, their lips clashed together with every unspoken* need she’d felt for the past months. It was deep and hungry, all sharp edges and unspoken promises, the taste of the salt from her skin still lingering on his tongue.

The gentle patterns his fingers were making across the sensitive skin between her legs, the softness of his lips, the scratch of his stubble, and the subtle scent of Eezo combined to take her to a timeless place where the past couple years never happened.

The trance broke when his fingers finally found her clit, drawing a cry from her as she released his lips.

“Kaidan,” she whined, reminding herself that this was indeed real and praying she wouldn’t wake up alone in her big empty bed on the Normandy.

His teeth grazed her ear in answer as his fingers took up a rhythm he’d become familiar with years before.

She came embarrassingly fast, the feeling of his fingers, his chest hair scraping against her nipples, and his lips on her neck driving her forward at a punishing pace.

Her vision narrowed as a corona of light erupted over her body, engulfing them both in buzzing dark energy. Kaidan kept up his pace as she shook in his arms until she pushed his hand away, feeling too sensitive.

The light of her biotics faded as her breathing evened out and instead of feeling satiated, she wanted more. Driven by the rapid beating of his heart and the erection pressed against her hip, she flipped him over on his back.

Straddling his hips, she took a moment to admire him, flushed and grinning under her, before diving back to his lips with another desperate kiss.

Her hips rolled, impatient for more delicious friction, drawing a moan from both of them. The tight grip of his hands on her thighs to the desperation in his kiss made the ache low in her belly almost unbearable.

Unable to wait any longer, she reached between them to position him at her entrance and let out a curse as he angled his hips, sliding inside of her in a quick movement. Needing more, she sat up, stabilizing herself with her hands on his chest as she took up a quick pace.

When she would lay in bed and imagine being with him again, she used to dream about slow and passionate love making but her body wouldn’t allow a slower pace as it chased another release.

“Gemma,” Kaidan groaned, knuckles turning white on her thighs as he threw his head back in pleasure.

***

He couldn't look away from the vision of a flushed Shepard moving above him, her breasts moving in a wild, beautiful rhythm as she rode him hard and fast. One of her hands moved from where it rested on his chest to slide up her body and cover her breast, Kaidan had to close his eyes to focus on not cumming.

Over two years of celibacy was making it difficult to manage, however, especially with the sounds she was making. The lonely nights, Cerberus, the Collectors, all seemed insignificant compared to the gift of getting her back.

Shepard’s biotics activated regularly during sex reacting to her body’s signals, and until he’d slept with her, Kaidan had never allowed his control to slip in that way. He’d been terrified of flaring and scaring, or even worse hurting, his partner, especially since he’d not been with another Biotic until Shepard.

Their first time together, light had erupted over her skin when he’d gone down on her, covering his own skin in a comforting buzzing and startling him. He was familiar with her biotics by then but not in this context. In bed, Shepard’s biotics felt warm and soft, like she was delicately running her fingertips along his skin.

It was intoxicating.

He still hadn’t been able to bring himself to lose control until they were off the Normandy and in their little beach house away from any expensive equipment and prying eyes. Shepard had been as surprised by him as he’d been by her the night before Ilos but she seemed to enjoy the act as much as he had.

Gently, he called on the dark energy inside him and focused it on one hand which he then brought between her legs to stroke her clit.

With a shout, Shepard came, quicker than he’d anticipated. She contracted around him, throwing her head back as her rhythm became erratic. He watched her in the throes of ecstasy and kept up the buzzing pressure as she shook. After a few moments, she stopped shaking and collapsed on his chest with heavy breaths and slick skin.

“Holy shit,” she finally croaked out.

He ran his fingers down her back, covering them both in his corona, and kissed the top of her head. They laid there like that for a minute as she collected herself before Kaidan gently rolled her over.

Instinctually, her legs circled his hips and she drew him near as he began moving again at a slower pace. By her slight twitches and moans, he could tell she was still sensitive and decided to slow the pace. He’d been so focused on keeping his field up while she came it had bought him some time and he intended to use it.

The thought that this may very well be the last time he made love to her landed in his thoughts like a grenade. He closed his eyes, trying to put it out of his mind, but he couldn’t stop the cascade of emotions that followed it.

Their last time together had been a couple days before the destruction of the Normandy, it had been quick and sweet. Shepard had been busy when he interrupted her and had needed to get back to work right after.

He used to think about what he would have done differently if he’d known it was their last time and he used to picture it much like this, desperate and passionate.

A caress on his cheek finally got him to open his eyes. He didn’t know exactly where Shepard’s thoughts were but based on the sheen in her eyes, he guessed her mind had drifted to the same dark place.

She pulled him down to meet her lips in a long kiss, then rested her forehead against his. They were as close as physically possible, but it still didn’t feel like enough. The thought of putting any space between them, let alone light-years, was unthinkable.

In the throes of passion, he was tempted to announce his intention to abandon the Alliance and join her on the SR2. She clearly wasn’t happy with Cerberus. He could keep her safe, stand with her when she defeated the Collectors, and sleep by her side at night.

It was a beautiful fantasy that he let himself live in for a few precious minutes while he made love to her.

The feel of her around him tight and warm, her nipples brushing against his chest with each movement, and the feel of her fingernails gently scraping over his scalp and back continued to stoke the fire low in his gut.

The world turned white when he came, all else faded but the feeling of her surrounding him.

When he returned to himself, he kissed her, tracing the inside of her mouth with his tongue, scraping his teeth gently against her lips, and not pulling away until he was desperate for breath.

His fingers traced up her chest and neck to cup her cheek where he felt wet tracks left by fresh tears. He pulled away to look at her, suddenly concerned, he’d never seen Shepard cry. Vulnerability was not a word he would’ve used to describe the Commander. Even when they were together, and she’d let him glimpse her softer side, most of her walls had stayed firmly in place.

It’s why her declaration of love had shocked him, Shepard didn’t let herself show weakness. Even to him.

“Hey,” he whispered as she started to turn away from his gaze.

He tilted her head back to face him and met her red-rimmed eyes.

“Maybe we can just stay here,” she said, attempting a smile. “What do you think the chances are that someone comes looking for us?”

He met her weak smile with one of his own.

“Do you have enough rations to last us till the Reapers show up?”

Shepard let out a watery laugh and buried her face into his neck, stroking her hands down his neck and back in silence. For a few minutes, they stayed like that, wrapped in each other, until Kaidan finally got up. He padded to the kitchenette and returned with a few damp paper towels, gently cleaning between her legs.

She watched him move about with quiet affection and pulled him into a kiss when he climbed back into bed.

They curled under the blankets facing each other, exchanging slow kisses and saying nothing.

There wasn’t much to say, they were back in reality. When the storm cleared, they’d have to find the Reaper tech, and then he’d fly back to Alliance space and she’d go face the Collectors.

Despite everything weighing on them, they fell asleep quickly, wrapped around each other. It was the easiest Kaidan had fallen asleep in two years.

***

An insistent beeping from her Omni-Tool woke Shepard some hours later, and with a sinking sense of disappointment, she realized the storm had cleared and their comms were back up.

Kaidan was wrapped around her from behind, his face nestled against her neck, one hand resting on her belly, and his legs tucked behind hers.

Despite the beeping and the clear skies, Shepard lay paralyzed for some time, unable to leave the comfort and warmth of his arms.

In the end, it was her fear that they’d send someone after her that made her move.

As soon as she shifted forward to grab her Omni-Tool Kaidan pulled her back to him, and she knew he’d been lying awake and unmoving too.

“If I don’t answer, we’ll probably have a very put-out Turian busting through the airlock within the hour,” she mumbled.

Despite her words, she turned to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Kaidan hummed in response, leaning over her to grab her Omni-Tool for her.

She opened up the comm to a very frustrated Joker.

“Shepard?! What the hell? We were just about to send a rescue party, where have you been?”

“I was asleep, I found shelter for the night. I’m about to go secure the tech. I’ll let you know when I’m done,” she responded shortly.

“That’s all you’ve got to say? There’s an Alliance craft down there, please tell me you’re not going to add murder of Alliance personnel to your rap sheet,” the pilot snapped back.

She sighed.

“How about you worry about keeping the Normandy in one piece till I get back and I’ll worry about my mission.”

“Jeez, excuse me for worrying. Joker, out.”

Shepard laid her forehead against Kaidan’s chest.

“You should probably comm Hackett, tell him you made contact with me and you’ll secure the tech,” she said after a couple minutes.

Kaidan’s eyebrows raised but he did as she said. Hackett, as always, kept his cool demeanor and if this whole exercise hadn’t been such a waste of manpower he’d have believed it was planned the whole time for them both to be there.

They got dressed in relative silence, helping each other into their armor with lingering touches that said what words couldn’t.

“I’ve got what we need to shield the tech in the shuttle,” Shepard said as they finished getting ready.

“Cerberus tech?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah, top of the line. I’m sure you brought your own but our people might find it useful.”

Kaidan tilted his head at her words.

“Could you get in trouble for handing that over to the Alliance?”

His voice was curious and concerned, a huge improvement from suspicious and frustrated.

She waved off his concern.

“I’m sure the Illusive Man knows I’m in contact with the Alliance and feeding them intel. And I’m sure he’s not happy about it, but what can he do? Take away the Normandy? Then who would defeat the Collectors?”

She couldn't help the grin that crossed her lips at the thought of irritating the Illusive Man. One of the small enjoyments she had these days was making his life harder.

“Aren’t you worried that he’s using you, Shepard? What if he’s counting on you sending information back to the Alliance?”

Her grin fell at his words and she turned away, ostensibly to set up their inter-helmet comms, but really to hide how much his questions annoyed her.

“Come on, Kaidan, I’m smarter than that. You don’t think I haven’t considered that already? Everything I send is checked over by Hackett and his people. I’m not some green recruit, I know how to work a black op.”

He sighed.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to- I know you can handle yourself. I’m just worried,” Kaidan said, sounding defeated.

Turning back to face him, she cupped his cheek, stroking it with her thumb. She couldn't feel the heat of his skin through her glove, but she needed the connection all the same.

“I know,” she whispered and gave him a long kiss.

They were fully armored except for their helmets and she realized, with a lump rising in her throat, that this would probably be the last time she could kiss him. Definitely before leaving Boro, but with the suicide mission looming, it could be their last kiss ever.

Kaidan seemed to sense her thoughts and pulled her to him as tightly as their armor would allow.

Even though the kiss felt infinite, time eventually caught up with them, and they pulled apart. They put on their helmets, and Shepard was glad to have something that covered her face, hoping it would hide most of her feelings from Kaidan’s sharp gaze.

But when she looked over at him, his amber eyes gave everything away.

There would be no hiding from each other.

Outside, the weather was lovely and she got a look at the lush alien landscape. Boro’s atmosphere was toxic to humans and its flora was different than most Shepard had ever seen, but it was lovely all the same.

They picked up the shield at her shuttle before heading off to the marked location of the tech in the land rover that was parked in front of the research station. Kaidan insisted on driving, claiming that Shepard would kill them both and then they’d have to send out another team to find them. She’d feigned offence but smiled under her helmet at the familiar jab that had often been thrown her way when they’d been searching for Saren.

“What do you think happened to the researcher?” Kaidan asked, a couple minutes into their drive.

“Indoctrination,” she responded, and he glanced at her in surprise at her quick answer.

“I could be wrong, but from the intel I had, he’d indicated he didn’t have the proper equipment to shield the tech.”

“You don’t think he’d know to stay away from it?”

She shrugged.

“Maybe. But I’m not sure how many people actually believe the stories. We know it’s true cause we’ve seen it, but he might have thought he’d be fine with shorter visits. He seemed to have left in a hurry, on foot. That doesn’t exactly scream clear-headed decision making.”

“True,” Kaidan conceded. “Think we’ll find him at the site?”

“Maybe, if he abandoned the station recently he could still be alive. But I think you and I can handle one indoctrinated scientist,” she responded wryly.

The site was marked by a tent that blended in well with the trees and plants nearby. Both soldiers held their weapons ready as they approached, but there was no movement outside.

On Shepard’s cue, they pulled open the flaps of the tent, entering weapons first.

Inside, they found Mesa hunched over a shiny black object. It sat on a tarp, paneled and about three feet tall, and the moment Shepard laid eyes on it, a wave of unease settled in her gut.

Mesa spun to face them, flashing a small pistol.

A strange smile graced his face that made Shepard’s discomfort grow.

“Commander Shepard,” Mesa said, sounding pleased to see her.

“Hello, Dr. Mesa, please put down the weapon. We’re here to secure the tech.”

She kept her tone even despite the gun she was pointing at him.

“I can’t let you do that. I’m responsible for protecting it until they return.”

A cold chill ran down Shepard’s spine.

“And when will that be?”

“Sooner than the galaxy is ready for.”

At those words, he raised his pistol, and in the blink of an eye, Shepard’s own weapon discharged, drilling a hole right through the man’s heart, killing him instantly and, she hoped, painlessly.

“Shepard!” Kaidan cried out.

“We were going to have to kill him anyways, better to do it before he got a shot off,” she responded before he could argue further. “Better off dead than indoctrinated.”

She could feel him ready to fight her and she held up her hands to stop his words.

“We need to get this secured. We'll take his body back with us for proper burial.”

Kaidan glowered at her but said nothing as she shielded the strange object.

As soon as it was safely behind the shield, the feeling of unease passed and both of them sighed with relief.

In silence, they loaded both the artifact and Mesa’s body, wrapped in a tarp, into the rover.

When they were on their way back to the base, Shepard finally broke the silence. “I know you think we could have saved him but we had no way to subdue him. You’d be flying back with him plotting against you the entire time, just waiting to strike. There was no safe way to deal with this and soon we’ll have many more indoctrinated people on our hands, we can’t be bringing infected people back to the Alliance.”

Kaidan sagged in his seat.

“I know, I just- it was so fast, you didn’t even try to talk him down.”

“Do you really think I could have talked him down?” she asked gently.

His silence was answer enough.

After securing the tech and Mesa into Kaidan’s shuttle, they stood together wordlessly, staring at the rover Shepard was going to take to her own shuttle.

Kaidan reached for her hand and pulled her into an embrace.

“Please be safe, Gemma.”

He sounded broken, and Shepard closed her eyes against the tears that gathered there.

“I’ll do my best,” she said, trying to sound more confident than she felt in her own survival. “You do the same.”

“Come back to me when this is over,” he said finally, and released her.

She nodded in response, too choked up to say a word, and got into the rover.

Looking back at him one last time before driving away, their eyes met and she held his gaze for as long as she dared, trying to memorize his lovely whisky eyes, warm as sunlit resin and holding the promise of a future that would never be hers.

With a breaking heart, she turned away and headed back to the shuttle.

Back to her life of captivity and a mission that held certain death.

***

Two months later

The crowd gathered in front of Alliance headquarters in Vancouver was restless. Reporters, various Alliance personnel, politicians, and curious civilians all waited with bated breath for the person who’d been recently labeled a mass murderer, responsible for the deaths of over 300,000 Batarians.

Kaidan stood among them, face stony and gut churning. Soldiers held the crowd back, but Kaidan was with Councilor Anderson and therefore had a front row spot to watch as the shuttle containing Gemma Shepard arrived.

The two men said nothing as Shepard was escorted out of the shuttle in manacles, with armed guards flanking in front, behind, and sides.

Shepard’s chin was held high as she was marched towards the shouting crowd, her face betraying nothing.

She was unchanged from the last time he’d seen her but as he watched her, he could see the signs of distress that he was sure no one but he and possibly Anderson would pick up on.

He could see her quick shallow breaths, the way she bit the inside of her cheek, and the slight wrinkle between her eyes. She was pale and thinner than when he last saw her, with dark smudges under her eyes.

“She looks tired,” Anderson commented, almost to himself, sounding for all the world like a worried father.

Kaidan just nodded at this assessment, not sure how to feel.

When he’d heard the news, he had simply not believed it. There was no way Shepard had been responsible for the destruction of an entire system.

He’d gone immediately to Anderson, believing they would have to defend Shepard from these accusations. But when he’d arrived, Admiral Hackett was there as well, already in deep conversation with Anderson. There they broke the news that it was indeed Shepard who had flung an asteroid into the Alpha relay.

Hackett had apparently just gotten back from visiting Shepard on the SR2 and had heard the story directly from her. The Admiral was insistent that Shepard deserved a medal for what she’d done but acknowledged that there would have to be a trial, something Shepard would be turning herself in for after defeating the Collectors.

That day Kaidan’s view of this Shepard had changed. He was no longer sure it really was her or, if it was her, how much she’d been changed. A small part of him knew it was unfair, that she’d had to make an impossible decision in the worst situation imaginable. But 300,000 souls were exterminated on her call alone and he couldn’t sync that up with the Shepard in his head.

As she got closer, she kept her eyes trained forward until they suddenly flicked in his direction and their eyes met. The veil fell. She was no longer unreadable; her eyes were pleading with him, desperate and shining with unshed tears.

He didn’t know what expression his face held but whatever it was seemed to cause her further distress, until she finally looked away. Despite his confusion about who she actually was now, he felt his heart break a bit as she pulled herself back together, turning her gaze towards the doors ahead, carefully ignoring the jeers and shouted questions as she went.

Kaidan watched as she disappeared through the door, not knowing when or if he’d see her again and questioning why the thought of not seeing her again hurt so bad after all she’d done.

As he headed back to his quarters, he felt the weight of the day settle on his chest like a stone.

He felt a cold emptiness that seemed to stretch out, an endless void that grew as the realization began to settle in: Shepard was well and truly gone.

Perhaps that was Shepard’s body and maybe even her mind but he couldn’t shake the feeling that the woman he’d loved so dearly truly had died with the SR1.

And there would be no resurrecting her.

#shenko #kaidan alenko #mass effect #mass effect 2 #mass effect fanfiction #fshenko #shepard x kaidan #kaidan x femshep #commander shepard #femshep #horizon #one bed trope

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