#again. its fine to be demisexual/asexual and i Am aromantic. but i do like sex and i cant have that satistyingly without love/connection

[oorevitcejda]

in the past i would have gotten married for benefits and fun but now i have such a tediously balanced life that the only way im getting married is if my bff announces hes trans or the usa gets ubi

[being-demisexual]

Hiii

I hope this is okay to ask as it isn't really about demi but about romantic attraction, please feel free to not answer if you feel that this ask doesn't fit with this blog.

For about a year/ a couple months now I was slowly starting to overthing if I'm aro and it has been giving me so much stress it's honestly ridiculous.

Short story of important things in my life: I never really felt aromantic. Since a small child I liked the stereotypical films about princesses and princes and all that stuff. I had crushes on boys, at least I think so... For me it was being interested in the idea of dating them, to be specific.

Ages 13-16, so middle school here, I was getting aware that I was asexual- though I found this term only at the end of middle school as being a then christian in a largely christian country I honestly was largely unaware that lgbt was even a thing. I still liked the idea of getting a boyfriend, though I was getting aware it will be harder for me to find someone since the whole dont-want-sex thing. I was also largely imagining that if I find a person it will probably be someone I'm already friends with at least to some extent.

Well skip to me now, single for a few months now, after a 2-year relationship with my ex girlfriend and ex best friend... Somehow having a mild existential crisis if I might have not noticed that I'm aromantic, feeling like an impostor. The thing it, my ex changed their identity to demisexual, previously identifying as asexual during our relationship- which is totally fine and I had no issues with that, to be clear. Before she told me though, unconsciously I've been noticing we're a bit different in how we experience attraction and Istarted to fear if I should feel more, if romantic attraction should be a physical feeling and not just "I want to spend my life with them, I like being close and hugging, cuddling, kissing even if for the most part I don't feel anything physical from it." That maybe I don't know myself and I've been accidentally "faking". There was a period of maybe half a year when I did feel a bit more, but it could have been some leftover crazy hormones, I have no idea. I can also be rather reserved in public and so I preferred to save more intimate gestures than hand holding/a hug/ a fast kiss for a private place. Being questioned if I'm aro in the falling out part of the relationship really stung me and clearly didn't help with this issue, even though after some time she apologized, it's still eating away at the back of my brain.

So I'm writing all this to ask you, can you try to describe what romantic attraction is like to you? Do you literally feel something physically or is it more desires to be close to someone and thoughts?

Now that I'm single I'm scared of both never finding anyone again and of finding someone but making them feel unloved with how I express my feelings and messing it up again.

I dug at AVEN for answers too and found people describe romantic attraction both ways and I'm still not at peace with myself somehow, but maybe one more description will at least help with it a bit. I just want some internal peace :,(. I might be a bit desperate to find it.

Thank you for reading all this, and sorry for the long text, I felt like it's necessary to my situation

Hi there! I’ll give answering this my best shot, but probably not in the way you exactly want. I don’t really know what romantic attraction is, but it seems highly variable from person to person. Some people like a lot of PDA, some don’t. Some people find cuddling important, others want to celebrate a lot of little anniversaries (first date, first kiss, etc). I think it really does differ from person to person. I’ve never even been on a single date, let alone developed a romantic attraction to a person. 

That being said, I feel like I have the answer for you. Have you, in all your digging on AVEN, heard of the term QPR? It stands for queer platonic relationship. A lot of exclusionists like to paint this as just being friends, but its deeper than that. 

See, a lot of aro people desire companionship and commitment but without the dating part. A lot of aro people want someone to give them hugs, hold their hands, or maybe even kiss, but without the expectation of romantic feelings or actions, like going on dates and such. This is where a QPR comes in, which is basically a very committed, platonic partnership. I love my best friend, but I wouldn’t move in with her, adopt a per with her, or put her on my life insurance plan as a beneficiary. Those are all things you do with a spouse or romantic partner, or a QPR. You wouldn’t need to counsel your best friend before taking a new job to see if it’s financially responsible to do so, you wouldn’t need to discuss moving across the country for different opportunities with them, you wouldn’t put them on your health insurance plan. You would with a QPR. 

Most human living is designed to be done, at minimum, with two people. Most human living is better done in communities, but I digress. Almost everyone wants companionship and life partners, but they don’t have to be romantic or sexual in nature. It is probably worth seriously considering if a QPR style “relationship” is something you might want. If you don’t care about having sex and don’t have romantic feelings towards anyone, then you might be aromantic asexual - aroace. That absolutely DOES NOT mean that you are doomed to spend the rest of your life alone.

Also, if you don’t think a QPR sounds right for you, or you try it and it doesn’t work out, then you can go through life having friends and connecting with family and being a member of your community without having relationships necessarily. I don’t have any romantic interests right now, and I really don’t need them since I am getting plenty of human connection with friends (both IRL and online) and through family. 

To sum up, I don’t know if there really is any consistent definition for how romantic attraction is expressed. Maybe it is physical, to some people it certainly is. Maybe you are aromantic and a QPR is what you need. Maybe you aren’t aro and are just a pretty reserved person who prefers to express romantic feelings outside of physical gestures - like making sure the house is always clean because that’s what your partner likes, and picking up the type of coffee they prefer when you know you’re out. Little things, that might not seem romantic but do convey a lot of love and appreciation and attention to your partner when they all stack up. I’m not sure, and it sounds like you aren’t totally sure either. But that isn’t an inherently bad thing. You can take the time to list out what you think romantic attraction is to you and how you express it. I did that with sexual attraction when I was exploring being demisexual. You don’t have to rush, and you certainly don’t have to panic. There is always time to figure it out, and there is not bad outcome here - just you, being more confident and settled in your identity.

Feel free to reach out (through a dm, if you want) if you want to talk more. I hope this helped!

[aceofwhump]

Submitted by anon:

Hey! 

Sorry if this is all just a rambling mess or too personal to even be asking you in the first place (if so, please feel free to ignore away) but I’ve been questioning a lot lately whether or not I might be asexual & I was just curious about how you knew you were? I keep going through moments (especially after reading about other people’s experiences in the whump community) of thinking for certain that I am but then I end up thinking things over and doubting it.

I can say for certain that I do find people hot/handsome/attractive/sexy/yada yada but I can’t really tell whether that’s in a sexual way or not? I don’t really ever look at a person & think ‘god they’re hot, I’d love to f*ck them’ but then surely nobody does that without establishing a relationship with the person first, right?

Most of the time I’m not really ever instantly attracted to a person (if you showed me a photo, for example and asked me if I found that person hot I’d probably be pretty indifferent) but (and this is mainly in regards to celebrities) once I’ve been familiarised with them and their personality and seen them in a few things, say interviews and movies or stuff, I may develop an attraction to them (this is particularly true when it comes to seeing actors getting whumped, I find that most of my attractions form that way tbh).

Of course there’s the odd occasion where a person may be undeniably attractive & aesthetically pleasing and I’ll be attracted to them on the offset but it’s rarely the case.

Other than that, despite maybe a couple of people that I’ve found kind of  pleasant to look at, I don’t think I’ve really ever been attracted to anyone I’ve known in person, at least not in that way.

Also, whilst sex scenes themselves don’t neccessarily make me uncomfortable (can’t say I get the appeal but it doesn’t really  offend me in any way), if there’s a scene involving the nudity of an actor that I’m attracted to (as in full frontal) it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I guess that could just because it feels like an invasion of privacy as opposed to anything else though. I’ve been occasionally known to watch certain things to deal with particular urges and nudity doesn’t bother me then so I have no clue why it does in other situations.

I’ve also never had a relationship or been intimate with anyone in any way, nor can I say that I’m particularly interested in having one/doing so. I’m kind of introverted & socially awkward so maybe that’s a factor but I also don’t know if my disinterest in relationships is related to the whole concern & expectation of having to have sex with someone. I also don’t even know for certain that I’m 100% against the idea of sex. The thought of sex is not really something that appeals to me & I feel like I would happily die without ever experiencing it but I also wouldn’t say I’m entirely repulsed by it? I’ve occasionally daydreamed about characters doing the deed (never myself with anybody else though).

Also, this final part may will sound extremely cheesy so I apologize in advance but sometimes I see characters being all soft and adoring and affectionate with eachother and I kind of think f*ck man I want that. That could just be the whumper in me always seeking that comfort side of things that is so lacking though or maybe it’s just me thinking I want it because it’s supposed to be what everyone wants in life.

This was only supposed to be a short ask and instead you got an entire essay of me rambling about myself ahsgshsh, I’m so sorry! My mind is literally a mess😂.

TL;DR Idk I’m just very confused 🤔

Mod reply below:

Hi hun!! Don’t worry about a long message cause my reply got just as long lol.

I'm really glad you felt comfortable coming to me with this and I'm more than happy to help if I can!

First let me tell you a bit about how I worked out that I am both asexual and aromantic (this might be a jumbled mess so I apologize in advance for that)

So I found asexuality in 2014 and pretty damn quickly accepted and knew that I was asexual. I went through the tumblr tag (back when it was full of people’s experiences and feelings and so much positivity) and related strongly to other asexual people’s experiences. Some of those things included:

Not wanting kids

Having absolutely zero interest in ever having sex. Can go my whole life without and be just fine thanks

Not once have I seen another person and thought about having sex with them

Thought sexual attraction was either a myth/made up or only developed after you knew the person for a long time

Don’t understand why people on tv break up with each other over sex. It’s not that important, right?

Thinking people are “hot” or “sexy” but that just means aesthetically pleasing. Like a painting.

Having a sex drive but would rather take care of it myself than have sex. It’s like an annoying itch. I get annoyed, I scratch it, it goes away, I’m good.

Avoided sex ed whenever possible because I was uncomfortable with sex.

Don’t read smutty fanfic.

Sex on tv makes me uncomfortable not aroused.

Why are people obsessed with butts??? I don’t get it.

Hate when main characters get together in tv shows because that usually means they’re going to have sex and WHY DO THEY NEED TO HAVE SEX?? Isn’t love enough? I don’t get it!!

The idea of getting married and having to have sex with that person that night is horrifying.

All the universal asexual symbols and things that the community has. Like the playing cards, the black ring, the aces love cake, aces love pizza, that stuff. I loved and agreed with every single one. I know the other sexuality do this do but I never saw those, laughed, and went “yeah that’s me!” Just asexuality.

It only took a day if researching before I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was asexual. All these experiences and feelings my fellow asexuals felt really fit with my own experiences.

HOWEVER

My aromantism was a lot harder for me to pin down. I think I went through 4 different romantic orientations before working out how I felt. It was all so confusing and I couldn’t tell what was romantic, what was sexual, and what was neither. I didn’t understand it at all and I spent a long time confused. With sexual attraction I knew I didn't feel that. Never once felt that desire to have sex with a specific person. Not ever. But romantic? I thought I had felt that. Couldn't be sure though. I'm sure now but back then I was very confused. I started thinking I was hetero-romantic because I was only every "interested" in guys but it didn’t quite feel right. Next I found the word cupioromantic which was you don't feel romantic attraction but you still desire a romantic relationship. I wore that label for a short time but once again it wasn’t quite right. Every time the possibility of a relationship into my life I ran cause I didn’t want it. Next I found lithromantic which is you feel romantic attraction but as soon as its reciprocated it goes away. I thought hey that’s it! But I finally I took a very hard look at myself and my interactions with people and what it was I actually did feel and decided that I was truly aromantic. I just didn’t want to be labeled as such because I was a huge romantic and I felt like this label meant I couldn’t have one. It took a while but now I know that isn’t true at all. I know now that I don’t actually want a relationship but I want the closeness with someone that being in a relationship entails. I can get that with friends. I went through the times I thought I had felt romantic attraction and tried to fit them into the attractions above. What I felt for that one girl in my English history course? Yeah that was platonic? That actor I think is super hot? That's aesthetic. I'd love to just cuddle with and be touched by my one friend? Sensual. The one guy I dated? Yeah I only dated him because he liked me not because I felt anything for him.

Other things that helped me realize I don’t feel romantic attraction:

I have had one boyfriend my entire life (high school, lasted 10 months) and I hated it. I didn’t like holding hands with him. He asked to kiss me and I told him no. I thought (still do) that kissing was gross and no way did I want to do that. I hated when he kissed my cheek or held me too long. I didn’t understand his strong emotions toward me nor did I understand why people dated. I didn’t get it. I didn’t like it.

I have had fake crushes/faked “they’re hot, would totally hit that” because I thought i was supposed to feel that way about people. Everyone had crushes or wanted to kiss and have sex with someone else. I never did. Didn’t get it.

I thought a crush was someone you chose. Like, I thought you went “That guy/girl is funny and nice. I now decide to have a crush on him.” But apparently that is not true at all.

I have no desire to get married or date. In fact I prefer to live my life without it.

I’ve never looked at someone and felt or developed what can be described as romantic feelings.

Those times I thought I did were really just platonic feelings. I wanted to be their friend. Not their girlfriend.

I think whumperflies are the closest I’ve ever come to feeling something akin to sexual attraction but I personally don’t classify it as sexual attraction. I also get that feeling seeing someone get comforted and being soft and affection and wanting that. For me, I think that’s me being touch starved af. I’d love to have someone to cuddle with and have it not be sexual or romantic. Sounds like maybe you do too. And that’s okay :)

Based on your words and feelings I'd suggest you take a look at the following terms. They might help you pin down how you feel. They certainly helped me

Demisexual/Demiromantic: where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed.

Gray Asexual/Gray Romantic: in which a person may only experience sexual attraction on occasion

Sex repulsed/neutral/positive: How you feel towards sex and/or having sex. You can be positive about it, feel repulsed by sex and sexual acts, or be completely neutral about it

Sexual attraction: looking at someone and wanting to have sexual content with them.

Romantic attraction: wanting to have a romantic relationship with a certain person.

Aesthetic attraction: thinking someone is pleasing to look at. Appreciating their appearance.

Sensual attraction: wanting to touch/cuddle/be physically close to a person.

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with a person

To me it sounds like you could be demi or gray but it’s ultimately up to you. If you feel like any of those terms fit you then don’t be afraid to accept that label. And if you change your mind as you learn more about your self and want to use a different label then that’s totally cool! Like I said, I went through 4 different romantic labels before finding one that fit. Try things on and see how it feels for you.

I also suggest checking out some of these blogs because I found them really helpful. @asexualityexists @asexualfacts @asexualawarenessweek @acejokes @thehumorousace @outer-space-aro-ace @a-spec-tacular @life-of-an-asexual

You can also feel free to scroll through my main blog asexual tag if you want. http://thewanderingace.tumblr.com/tagged/asexual

I don’t know if any of this was helpful or not but if you have any other questions don’t be afraid to message me! I’m happy to help where I can!

[bloodraven55]

About My Asexuality

So I was talking with a friend on Discord yesterday about what my experience is of being ace, and I realised that it might be a good idea to make a post about my sexuality for a couple of reasons. One, asexuality is still not talked about enough and is often misunderstood. And two, I know that if I’d seen more people talk about these things when I was growing up I might have figured myself out a lot sooner.

So, for anyone who’s interested, here is a summary of that part of who I am, I guess. I’ll put it under a cut since there might be some discussion of sex albeit not in a particularly NSFW way at all, but I’ll try not to let it get too long 😅

First, I think I need to make it abundantly clear that this is just my experience. This is just me. I am only one person out of many, many asexual people in the world and so nothing I say here can be applied to every ace person or even necessarily any other ace person. Because sexuality is extremely complicated and it can’t be reduced to any one label or word.

Second, I feel like I should cover the basics of a few different things to do with asexuality since they’re generally not widely known and I didn’t even know many of them until very recently. (As such, my understanding may not be perfect in some places, so please correct me if you know something I don’t or feel like I’ve got something wrong.)

One, asexuality is not in any way the same as aromanticism. Romantic and sexual attraction are two totally separate things and it’s entirely possible to have one without the other. For example, I identify as asexual but absolutely not as aromantic. So those two concepts cannot be conflated with one another.

Two, asexuality doesn’t always mean that you find sex disgusting. It can do; some people are either “sex repulsed” or “sex averse”, which means that they find sex and/or the idea of sex unpleasant to different extents. Sex repulsed people tend to just be put off by pretty much anything sexual in general, while sex averse people find sex unappealing but from what I understand not usually to such an extreme degree.

And some people are demisexual, which means that they have to develop an emotional attachment to someone before they become physically attracted to them as well. I’m not sure if this is always classified as a type of asexuality, but I certainly feel like it falls somewhere on the same spectrum.

Lastly for the terms I’m going to go over, there is what I would probably call myself if I had to choose a label. That being gray-asexuality. It’s typically defined as something like someone who doesn’t have any kind of aversion or repulsion towards sex and can potentially experience sexual attraction in very rare or specific circumstances, but usually not enough to act on it.

With that out the way, I’m going to talk about my particular feelings now and basically just describe my own sexuality as best I can. Which is very difficult but here goes.

So let’s start with my relationship with sexual attraction. I’ve never really felt it; it’s basically an alien concept to me. I can find people physically attractive—well, specifically I can find women physically attractive—but not in the sense that I am sexually attracted to them.

If I call someone hot, it almost certainly doesn’t mean what most people mean when they say that. To me, if I say someone is attractive, it just means that they’re good-looking, not that I have any desire to sleep with them whatsoever.

My sex drive/libido is pretty much non-existent. I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone in my life so far, and I never masturbate either, because I’ve never felt the urge. I’ve tried, but it does absolutely nothing for me.

However, with all that said, I can find the idea of sex appealing. Just not if I’m involved in any way, shape or form. I realise that sounds very confusing so let me explain.

If there’s a sex scene in a book or TV show or film or whatever between two people who also have an established emotional connection and whose relationship I like overall, then I can enjoy it. It’s only when there are no feelings behind it apart from the physical that it just falls completely flat for me.

Basically, I’m into the fact that they’re into it, but just not into it myself. I can appreciate it, but it still doesn’t have any affect on me beyond a thought of “oh that’s nice for them”. And in a similar vein, I can find things hot, like maybe see a suggestive fan art and think “oh damn”, but I don’t have even the slightest interest in ever doing them myself.

I make sexual jokes sometimes. I am perfectly happy discussing sex with my close friends and family very openly as and when it comes up. But I can’t imagine ever wanting to have sex myself. I can’t even conceptualise myself having sex with someone because it just isn’t something I want.

And that’s pretty much all that asexuality really is at its core: a lack of sexual attraction. Everything else—such as whether you find sex fairly appealing or completely disgusting or somewhere in between, or whether you feel romantic attraction at all or not—has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not you’re asexual.

Now I’m briefly going to talk about my relationship with romantic attraction as well, just to provide a slightly fuller understanding of things. I love romance. I’m honestly a bit of a hopeless romantic; give me all the love, even if it’s kind of cheesy. And I’ve had crushes on girls a few times before. So I’m for sure not aromantic.

I would likely fall under the banner of homoromantic, i.e. romantically I am generally only ever attracted to people of the same gender. I want to say again here too: romantic and sexual attraction are not connected, and people can identify in different ways on both those spectrums.

Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough so I’m going to end this here. I hope it was somewhat helpful and maybe informative, and I want to reiterate that this is only my experience so one can’t assume that all other asexual people—or indeed any other asexual people—share my attitude towards things and feel the same way as me about them. Everyone is a unique individual, and we’re all different. That’s part of what makes us so wonderful.

Feel free to reblog this if you want. I’m very comfortable with who I am and I do not even slightly mind this being shared around. In fact, if it can help even one person figuring themselves out at all then I hope that person does get to see it. And if you have any questions then my inbox is always open. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a dumb thing to ask, if it’s polite and respectful then I will be more than happy to answer it.

I’ll finish with a message that society often doesn’t convey but I think it would do a lot of people good to hear: It is absolutely okay if you don’t want to have sex. However you feel about sex and romance, if you do not want to have sex for whatever reason then that is 100% fine.

You are valid.

[pixie-skull]

VERY last minute, yet all my peeps who are ace, aro, demi, grey/gray, please offer suggestions! =D

So tomorrow I am probably going to be talking about asexuality in my abnormal psychology class and on how asexuality and the umbrella (even though is part of the LGBTQ+ Community) terms related are valid. I plan to explain from my personal life as examples and what I have heard, but please comment or private message (no shaming if sending an anonymous message in my ask box too) on what below. This a rough idea on what I want to say, but you can offer feedback too.

“Hi, everyone, so with our professor letting me share, I share what asexuality means to me like someone under this umbrella term. So as stated this asexuality itself an umbrella term for a few various terms. I use a video game power-up bar as a reference. Asexual implies low to zero sexual attraction, so little special power-up. Also, yes your sexual orientation is that, your sexual attraction and romantic orientation your romantic feelings. Back to topic, demisexual is as the root implies, demi, half, or more like a gradual build of emotional and either sexual, romantic, or both feelings. Some people say this seems ‘normal’ yet some people have relationships where no sexual feelings form, but in others do, nothing personal I would imagine. Greysexual, no worries not named after the horrible books and movies, more the hue itself. Like grey is a rare occasion of sexual, romantic, or both feelings, so like a power combo that short-lived. Going back to asexual or ace is only to sexual orientation; little to no romantic feelings is aromantic or aro. Now do not get me wrong you can appreciate someone astically, yet that is different in its own many overlaps. Although individuals under this are not broken, they are just different degrees of attraction, hence such extremes like sex addicts exist. Also, the people under this can have happy and healthy relationships. If a friend of mine happily married for six years and is ace biromantic, myself having five relationships all romantic and I suppose can be dubbed demisexual-homo panromantic. Yes, you can find one gender more attractive than another, and that is fine, but I again been romantic and not seek sexual relationships, so I could be grey-homo, but I say simply I like women more, and this does mean both cis and trans women. Some people, like my friend again, do have the two more easily cut. Another confusion is if people in this umbrella of the huge LGBTQ+ Community, can be sexual, if a high libido, self-pleasure, and if they have a partner, could be sexual with, but again what they experience is different. Again as someone who never been sexual in my own life if a partner or own self-time, if you get my meaning. At the end, this umbrella is being more and more discussed and it is amazing or ace-mazing to.”

Again everyone please share what you think, even if shorten, more facts, ect, you deserve to have a chance to share. Have a good day darling peeps. <^_^> *offer hug*

[didsomeonesaybooks]

Our bodies are pressed together as the make-out-fest continues on the couch. Somewhere during A New Hope, my lips found his and the movie slowly became less and less of a concern. My mind wanders to the sounds of the trash compactor closing in the midst of Chewbacca’s voice, but as my face starts to turn, it is quickly recaptured as he turns us so that his body is on top of mine, the springs of the couch digging into my back.

It isn’t until his leg is between mine, our hips flush and moving against each other, that it hits me.

“Stop,” is barely a breath between our lips. I start pushing myself off the edge of the couch and he pull himself backwards to let me escape.

Pacing isn’t typically the way I cope, preferring utter stillness while trying to calm my anxiety, but I can’t stop as he watches me, waiting patiently while knowing I will speak when I find the words. There all here at once, I’m trying to sort through them and when I find the one I want to start with, the rest slide away. Damn it, I wish I had a pen or keyboard in front of me, not this man who needs me to speak rather than write.

“I’m trying really hard to be patient, but it is getting as thin as you are wearing the carpet,” his tone is playful but he can’t hide the worry in his eyes. Deep breath.

“I didn’t know where the line was before. But I found it. And we left it back there,” I point at the end of the couch he vacated. “And I know that's not really a line that most people recognize, but to me it’s significant.” He draws a breath to interject, but I stop my steps and look into his eyes, knowing what he is about to say. That he respected that line, now that we found it, and it wouldn’t happen again until I was ready. He lowers his hand again and waits for me to continue. “I know our lines are different. I know you wouldn’t have if there was any possible way for you to have known. That you respect me and want to talk this out so that I’m comfortable. But that's the thing. Something I should have told you before, but you are always so go to me and I thought I would ruin any chance of you in my life.”

It is all I can do to keep breathing, his eyes growing bigger as I talk.

“Babe,” his voice is utterly calm, the lines around his eyes and lips playing with his shoulders to portray the worry building in him, “I love you. Something from your past is not going to change that. You know what kind of hell I had in my past before I met God, who led me to you. You accept me for who I am now. I will offer you nothing less. Please, take a breath, sit, talk to me.” His hand is out, asking me to take it. Hesitant, I give his fingers a squeeze as I pass to sit on the other side of the couch, legs tucked up, back resting against the arm so I face him. He loves me…

“I’m demisexual. Asexual. Not aromantic, obviously, but closer to demi then fully,” My words tumble out faster and faster, “It's not that I would never have sex, I just, the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t know where that starts, I’m fine with kissing. But when things progressed….” His face is now blank. “That's something that I know I only want to share with one person. Ever. I know for most that's not even a monument in the progress of their physical relationship, but for me its the flood gate. It feels like it could be the flood gate. The thought of sex may make me feel uncomfortable, and I’m not taking it off the table, but I don’t want it to be on the table at the beginning of a relationship. I want it to be something that comes later. Me being demisexual means that I fall in love with their people for their personality, their character, not their body. No matter how good they look.” And damn, he looks fantastic, and what I’ve felt through his shirt….

“I guess my point is that I love you too. That I’m choosing to say it knowing that this could be the tipping point for our relationship to either side. That when I think of spending the rest of my life with you, I can’t help but smile. And that for you, with you, I would be willing to try and do many things I never would have ever thought to consider.” I close my eyes and bury my head in my arms as the first tear slides down my cheek.

The couch groans as he stand up and sits down again, practically on my toes. A broken sob breaks from my throat as his arms wrap around me and he kissed the top of my head, the only part exposed to him. He begins tracing circles on my back with his palm, his tone distant, “I know that you have shared the difficult parts of your past with me, and in return I opened up to you. I’ve told you how I’ve been with more people than I care to count and that it is through the grace of God alone that I am here today. Here, knowing that I am save. Here, loving you.”

His chest vibrates as he chuckles, and I look up needing to see the smile that goes with it. “Babe, I’m demisexual. There is a reason I was only ever with my friends. People I thought were my friends. I thought that the only way to demonstrate my love for them was through that type of sacrifice. God knows I know better now. I don’t care if I never touch you again, all I need is you in my life.”

As if to follow through on this promise, he starts to pull back. My growl is enough to make him pause. “Don’t you dare.” His laugh vibrates through me once more.

I look up at him fully, into his steady eyes that are already on me when I look. Releasing my legs, I turn to bury myself in his side for a moment, breathing his scent in deeply. “You can bet your ass that if you want to stick around, you better be willing to cuddle.”

“Ready and willing.”

We sit in a comfortable silence, absorbing everything that we have shared with one another. I chuckle, “I love you. Some how I pictured my first time telling a man I loved him differently.”

“Were you wearing a corset, I breeches and riding boots?” The mischief in his eyes is back full force and his crooked grin making my heart flutter.

“Do not mock my love of Elizabeth Bennett, Tessa Grey, or being courted by a gentleman.”

“I can’t help but laugh when I ended up being the one lucky enough to have you.” My eyebrow raises in silent question, have me? His only response whispers of kisses on the corners of my mouth. I beg for more, pulling at his lip with my teeth in a hunger I haven’t shown before. I feel the heat pool in me, and the bulge I can now feel beneath my leg tells me that I need to finish this conversation.

“I don’t want to be alone. I want to lay down with someone at night and wake up with them every morning. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with them. I want someone to tell me that I’ll be okay and hold me when I am down. I want someone that will let me be strong for them. I want someone to be the third set of footprints. When I look down and see 2 sets of footprints in the sand, I want to know that one is God’s as he carries me and the other is the one who chooses me each and every day as he walks with us and holds my hand. And I want him to want this too. Not in these words, but in his own way. I want us to grow together in faith, and physically. I want this, but I want who God wants for me, even if it means waiting 20 years like Isaac did for his sons.”

“Then lets pray. Let’s see if I am the man God wants for you. Because I want you. I want to share this life with you while worshiping Him. I want to experience the good and the bad, all by your side. I want to hold you and give you everything you want. And hold back everything that you don’t.”

“I want to experience it with you. Piece by piece. I want to let you do anything you want to me. And I want to watch your face, your eyes, as I do everything I can to please you.” I can feel my face getting red, the more I say. “I want to explore myself, my limits, with you. And I want to explore you. I want to explore the world, do good, share the Word, all with you by my side.”

His breathing is nearly as ragged as mine. I can’t tell if my heart is racing from joy or anxiety. Possibly both.

“If I had a ring,” the breath of his hushed voice caressed my cheek, “I’d propose to you right now. And by your own courtship standards, you would be mine. And I would give you everything I possibly could by the goodness of God.”

“As hard as it would be for me, I would have to decline.”

“Trying to play hard to get, Ms. Bennett?”

“Have you asked my dad? Not to mention that this is the first time that we have ever talked about our future together, or getting married. Or shared these things about ourselves with each other. Are you sure you could not only put up with me and my attitude for the rest of your life, but my family? Or going the next 60 years without physically being with a woman?”

“I would go an eternity without so much as looking at anyone, if it meant you by my side.” My core warmed and my cheeks flamed to match the growing heat. That dummy didn’t miss any of it.