#again this is no hate to anyone and I love that people are writing what they want

[ariessunsakura]

Disclaimer: I started writing my response to this in 2017 and found it in my drafts. I know the whole post is quite old at this point and I'm truly not interested in arguing with anyone or continuing any discussion here, but I decided I didn't want some of what I wrote back then to go to waste.

Back when I started writing my response to this, I was 21 and angry at the large swaths of the fandom insulting the intelligence of Sakura fans like myself. I still love Sakura and SS, but I don't have an issue now saying that men like Kishimoto writing dynamics like Sasuke and Sakura's is something that should be...looked into, let's put it that way haha. That being said, what I still find disheartening is seeing Sakura, very much torn down by misogynistic fans in a large, primarily male fanbase, also torn down or criticized for supposedly feminist reasons by people who are often just determined to dislike her for whatever reason or somehow clearly miss important details. Sakura was reckless and made mistakes and did questionable things, as did many other characters who for some reason draw less ire. Lots of double standards.

Just to reiterate something that's already been said many times, Naruto proves that pop culture aimed at boys should have carefully written main female characters. There is the blatant misogyny that's happened in this fandom that anyone can see. Meanwhile, certain specific fans in the Naruto fandom that I may or may not need to specify (lol) have acted like the gatekeepers of social justice discourse in the fandom when really they've often just been hypocritical and selective about the type of issues they apparently care about when it comes to how they manifest in pop culture, or at least in this bananas series. They've often been bystanders or apologists or worse to that blatant misogyny. In light of everything that's been going on in the world, I sincerely think we should be more careful about how we talk about female characters. So when people write supposedly feminist posts but say that Sakura is just the "female main character with her legs always wide open and ready with basically no standards or expectations" despite everything the story has shown us, I kinda hate it and don't think that's good or feminist at all. Back in 2017, I wrote: I'm sick of condescending takes about Sakura and her fans as though there's little about Sakura’s character or the end of her story that could or should possibly resonate positively with girls.

Again, I know the original post is old. I know that Kishimoto's writing deserves to be criticized and that Sakura made mistakes and should've been written more carefully and responsibly, but I still want to say my piece.

It's true that Sakura is insecure early on, but her feelings for Sasuke really have nothing to do with that. She doesn’t know that Sasuke is popular when she starts to like him, so her feelings have nothing to do with wanting validation.

She knows her worth as a ninja and among her loved ones by part 2. A lot of guys are interested in her, including ones she admires and cherishes (Naruto and Lee). She confronts Sasuke fiercely many times, even as a genin. She basically spent part 2 trying to save or fight or stop him, going so far as thinking she should kill him to protect the village. That's hardly looking for his validation.

And that's not even mentioning what we're shown rather than told about her feelings for him, which is a theme for them. It's often the nonverbal way they act with each other more than what they say.

Karin with her chakra sensing can tell Sakura's grief is genuine and that she must've known Sasuke well.

“There is nothing different or special about Sakura’s love.”

Kishimoto gives us Karin, whose love for Sasuke is written as different from Sakura’s. Karin enables some of Sasuke's destructive choices and ultimately gives up on him, while Sakura ultimately doesn't do either of those things. And we can hypothesize all we want about Ino or some other girl being no different from Sakura, but who's to say they'd have had the same chemistry with Sasuke personality-wise or otherwise, or mutual understanding? We see from inner Sakura and in other instances that she has parallel elements of Naruto's personality, so...yeah, enough said lol. And who's to say another girl would've known exactly when Sasuke would leave the village, unlike Naruto? I think these speak for themselves:

One of the themes of SS, asserted in Kakashi's 693 quote, is that it’s about Sasuke accepting love without an overt reason so he can heal. Love in real life isn't always rational, it's about passion and attraction and things that are unspoken and can't always be put into words, which I think is what Kishimoto wants to convey with SS. The emotion for Sakura in Sasuke's eyes is concealed from us each time he thanks her for a reason. Sasuke tries to make a show of not caring about any of Team 7 or having a reason to love Sakura, but is still clearly drawn to her despite himself.

He's proud of her in the middle of all of the chaos and strife. He can't help but react to her.

I think Kishimoto makes contradictions more than once in the series, maybe including with SS. Clearly he's made a point to write things that make Sakura special and unique in some way to Sasuke, but there's also the message that Sasuke should allow love in without rationalizing it.

Another theme for them and for other women in the story is stated by Shikamaru's father: Even the roughest woman is tender to the guy she loves.

"Sasuke has not singled her out. She doesn’t appeal to him or interest him. She doesn’t challenge him in any emotional, mental, or physical way."

I think all of the above indicates otherwise. She does challenge him and changes his behavior, least of all when he has his first taste of intoxicating power.

He says himself that he has to remove himself from her and Naruto's vicinity to accomplish his goals. I think the intensity of the genjutsu he puts her in mirrors the intensity of some of his fights with Naruto as statements of him forcing away his bonds.

Still, Kishimoto makes a point to include this theme that can also apply to Sasuke:

"...she doesn’t know him, she’s doesn’t understand him, she doesn’t even have a basic grasp on the concepts that are necessary for those things."

Not true. She works tirelessly to understand and learn everything she can, and it's just not her fault that she doesn't always know everything. It honestly doesn't matter that she doesn't.

Sakura gets a lot of heat for what she says when Sasuke leaves the village, but shows she clearly understands his pain later on when trying to reason with Sai:

Never mind that Sasuke isn't even angry at her for what she said when he left.

“Sakura was just afforded the opportunity of being the closest girl around and female main character with her legs always wide open and ready with basically no standards or expectations. But I think the worse part, the really bad thing about it, is it supports a Sakura never growing up(...)as the blind quest for Sasuke’s dick goes on forevermore. All the pathetic shit will forever be apart of her as she dusts a house for a husband who comes home twice a year, who has a child who feels neglected, and she is happy with her dysfunctional family because Sasuke-kun’s anything is enough.”

Anyways.

As for her family, Sakura is clearly distressed by Sarada's distress. Kishimoto inventing a task apparently only Sasuke can do leading to him being away from his family is questionable to say the least, but it's hardly the first time in the story that normal or expected standards maybe can't or don't apply. Never mind Kishimoto probably projecting his own sentiments about men's career burnout and sacrifice onto Sasuke and Naruto...lol

Sasuke treasures Sakura, there is no way around it.

I don't think anyone is saying Kishimoto's writing is always the pinnacle of excellence lol, and no one has to like Sakura or SS. But people should at least think a little more about what Sakura has meant to a lot of girls and how the story actually unfolds.

Just a Little Bit on Sakura and Sasusaku

You know what I think about Sakura? This is less about Sasuke and more about herself. See, as person who dislikes Sakura, I actually think that because I’m not biased with fanfiction interpretations that I have a better grasp of Sakura’s character than some people who love her. Sakura, despite her bravado, is not a person of real confidence. She has low self-esteem and very little self-worth. I think that part of the reason she is so hung up on Sasuke is its a sense of validation for herself. She was shy, friendless, unpopular, and overlooked as a child. She liked Sasuke, but even better, to be acknowledged by someone everyone likes, everyone admires, that would make her special. That would make her somebody worthwhile, right? Of course I do believe that Sakura does have feelings for Sasuke, but is she really in love with Sasuke the person, or is it the idea of him? That he doesn’t notice her or pay attention to her only makes this insecurity worse. Sakura is constantly angsting over not doing enough, not fitting in on her team, not belonging or being someone of necessity. As stated (in the only time she ever elaborates on her feelings) she is attracted to Sasuke because he’s attractive, talented, and “cool”. A person who personifies, in essence, everything she believes herself not to be. God, there’s so much to say about this really, but I’ll save it for later. 

It’s part of why Sasusaku is such an out of left field idea to me. Sasusaku shippers portray the ship as the exact same way that leads Sakura’s problematic behavior. They ship it because they love the idea of Sakura being the “special one” who is the exeption to Sasuke’s personality and his greatest weakness and is the “fangirl who’s different from all the other girls”, which is so irritating because she’s not. Sakura is the antithesis of these concepts. There is nothing different or special about Sakura’s love. There is nothing different or special about her as far as relating to Sasuke goes. As I detailed in my previous posts, she doesn’t know him, she’s doesn’t understand him, she doesn’t even have a basic grasp on the concepts that are necessary for those things. Sasuke has not singled her out. She doesn’t appeal to him or interest him. She doesn’t challenge him in any emotional, mental, or physical way. They’re not even close. What does Sasuke even know about Sakura, or understand about her? Sakura, as far as Sasusaku goes, has nothing different or special about their relationship or dynamic that couldn’t be done by any other generic fangirl. Absolutely nothing. Nothing that transpired between them is anything that wouldn’t have happened had any other fangirl been placed on his team. That’s really the only thing Sakura had going for her or that seperates her from, I don’t know, Ino. Do any of you Sasusakus honestly think that if Ino was on his team that he wouldn’t have saved her life? That he wouldn’t have grown to care for her as a teammate? That he wouldn’t have thanked her for caring about him? That he would have left her to die? Or treated her like dirt on the bottom of his shoe? Do you really think that these “Sasusaku proofs of love” aren’t just generic shit that would come with virtually any other teammate, and is actually something unique that would only be there with Sakura?

‘Cause see, that's my whole thing. Can’t say that about Naruto. I can’t say that if Kiba had been his teammate, everything about their relationship would be more or less exactly the same. Or Shikamaru. Or Chouji. Or Neji. 'Cause you see, the manga has shown me this. Its shown me the depth, the reason, the relationship, the uniqueness between the two. In fact, while reading this I bet you were thinking of how different the dynamics would have been between Sasuke and those male characters, because, surprise surprise, there is actually something substantial there that can’t be replicated and receive the same results. Seriously, replace Ino with Sakura and think of what would change in regards to Sasuke. Ino would have cared. Ino would have tried to stop him. Seeing as how there are no substantial moments of bonding or exclusivity between the two, there is nothing that would have happened that Ino couldn’t fill in for. Sasuke waxed lyrical about Naruto and how much he’s always loved him and the ways in which he enriched his life for two straight chapters while Sakura got no mention (except, of course, in the Team 7 picture where he refers to them as such). Sakura was just afforded the opportunity of being the closest girl around and female main character with her legs always wide open and ready with basically no standards or expectations. 

For fucks sake, Sakura literally has nothing to do with Sasuke’s character or story arc. Seriously, delete Sakura from the manga and tell me what about Sasuke’s person or journey as character throughout the story changes. Please. Tell me something that would have affected his plot if some other girl with healing powers were on his team.

I’m just saying, there is nothing inside of Sasusaku. Nothing at all. Kishimoto doesn’t give a fuck about this pairing (lol I don’t know how they got together I don’t want any SS in the pairings movie there wasn’t gonna be any in the Bolt movie either but the SS fans are complaining so I guess I’ll come up with something here have a family pic of Sasuke looking like he’s about to run away as soon as the camera flashes and a Karin lookalike child who feels neglected), and it cannot become more apparent how little actual thought goes into this ship. Its just a vicarious fantasy ship where Sasuke is standard shoujo angsty bad boy bishie and Sakura is “independent, normal girl who’s different from all the rest” which is pretty much the antithesis of these characters. 

But I think the worse part, the really bad thing about it, is it supports a Sakura never growing up. It takes all those things (the potential for self-reflection and learning to be a person who doesn’t need others to feel worth something) and throws it in the garbage as the blind quest for Sasuke’s dick goes on forevermore. All the pathetic shit will forever be apart of her as she dusts a house for a husband who comes home twice a year, who has a child who feels neglected, and she is happy with her dysfunctional family because Sasuke-kun’s anything is enough. I don’t even fucking like Sakura, but that anyone is defending that anything about what her character turned into is satisfactory and good is honestly some disheartening shit. 

[thedeskofaltoclef]

How I became The Desk of Alto Clef.

My response to a SCP Group designed around Hate and Bigotry who have targeted me and others in this community.

Nah, man, my daughter is dead.

It has been brought to my attention that there is a group of people on the internet who are fascinated with my fascination of Alto Clef and Meri. Hurtful and yet cute in a way so I think now I'll choose this time and these screen grabs from their discord to explain how I came to be 'The Desk of Alto Clef'.

My Daughter died six years ago and it sent me spiraling deep into the bottom of whatever bottle I could find.

I was completely prepared to take my own life and even had the things to 'finish the job' because my life had no meaning at that point. What was another statistic going to matter anyways, right?

It was in one of these dark, drunk moments with a gun when I fell across the Volgun's video on 'reality benders and you' and fell into a rabbit hole.

Drunkenly I fumbled around the wiki and learned more about this broken man known as Alto Clef.

A man whom I could relate to in my own way. A man who, no matter what he did, could never see his daughter as I will never be able to see mine. So thus, I became a very, very shitty cosplayer.

I like to believe that over the past four years my acting ability has increased to a sustainable level and as much as I joke about things I do try to stay humble about it. Though I like to think I've become better but I digress.

I love the lore of Clef and Meri, on or offsite, to the point that I am weird about it I know, but that's how I stay connected to my daughter. Writing the Deskverse is how I stay connected to my daughter.

I am also autistic which causes me to hyper fixate on Clef as a coping mechanism.

Because of this group of people I have greatly considered leaving the community and going back to my own personal solitude. Acting, Voice Acting, Cosplaying as Clef gave and still gives me something to live for again. I may not be this group's cup of tea but I do like to believe that I have helped others. My main goal has always been to uplift those who need uplifting. I do not want anyone to ever feel how I felt in my lowest and darkest moments.

The main story in the deskverse is about a father and a daughter torn apart by the actions of an abusive mother. My real life story.

I also have ZERO clue as to why I am being involved with misogyny or yuri things. If I have offended you in any way I do apologize.

I do not plan on posting the more 'suggestive' or 'lewd' responses they have made. Overly sexualized content does make me extremely uncomfortable.

This group of people have broken my heart into pieces. Seeing this list of images and names dragging me through the mud has already smashed my unstable self-esteem as it is.

At this time I do not plan on releasing any names associated with all of this because I am honestly tired of reliving the most horrid event of my life over and over because I, for whatever reason, do not fit what this group feels is acceptable of an actor/writer/fan.

I cannot say the same for the others in which they were assaulting.

In summary Alto Clef is an outlet for the pain I live with every day. I can never see, hold, hear, smell, or speak to my daughter. I have scars on my body from her mother that will never allow me to forget that life I had. I will always remember the taste of gunpowder but thankfully my drunk ass was too weak. If your going to be bad at something, be bad at that I suppose.

I will leave all of this with a final image from the copious list and the one that honestly hurts me the most. I am honestly a shy and reserved person and frankly it takes a lot for me to get out of my comfort zone. Not long ago I went to another SCP discord server because I wanted to meet new people and someone in there was awesome. I truly enjoyed my time with this person and just found them amazing. They were kind, open, willing to listen to my ideas, and gushed over Numberonedoggo. I thought I had finally made a new friend on my own. I was apparently wrong.

Art, from some of my favorite artists, was made for the sole reason of mocking me specifically. To laugh at me for finding joy in something that gives me purpose. Something I use to drive away the darkness.

No age, disorder, illness, or reason at all can be acceptable for anyone to act in this way. You are all a mockery of everything the SCP community should stand for.

-TheDesk

[that-foul-legacy-lover]

Me, Us, and You

Synopsis: You've been used one too many times, and find comfort in the arms of those you love.

Foul Legacy x Reader Pronouns: Gender Neutral (no pronouns mentioned) Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Comfort Warnings: Mentions of being used as an emotional outlet

~ * ~

“Hey… why do people like using me?” Foul Legacy looks up from the chunk of crystal he was batting around, tilting his head curiously. You catch his gaze, inquisitive and concerned, and sigh. “…Sorry. It’s nothing.” He frowns with a quiet trill. Not good- he’s seen this habit before, your way of pushing down your emotions, never speaking a word. Legacy shakes out his fur, rising to his feet and crossing the room before plopping down beside you, chittering in worry. His claws knead against the carpet, nudging and pushing up against you gingerly until you finally huff out a laugh and weakly shove him back. “…You get what I mean." He does. Far too well. He’s seen it happen, from behind a corner as Childe; idly twirling a coin between his fingers, walking up to meet you at your favorite restaurant, or merely happening to pass by on the street.

One, two, three. Then more. The number of times that you’ve been treated as a mere outlet. You’re too kind for your own good, too patient, too understanding. Why can’t you get angry? Why don’t you tell off the people who start using you as an object to vent their emotions to- or at least tell them no? Instead you just smile and nod, offer your advice even when you don’t know what to say since you don’t even know your own feelings and what they mean, but you try so, so hard to lift them up, help them feel strong, better, braver. And they do. They smile again, nod, laugh. Sometimes they take your advice, sometimes they just want someone to agree with them. Whatever the case, they leave lighter, and you leave with a new burden in your arms. It’s fine. You don’t mind carrying it for them, as long as they’re happier- you insist that it makes you happy if they are, too. But inside it still hurts, knowing you only exist when someone needs you to listen. When you need to fulfil a certain role or do something for someone.

They started getting used to it, too. Pulling you into conversations as innocently as a lamb only to pour forth a tidal sea of issues and frustration. They cry and rant and yell and scream and then pat you on the back with a smile with a see you soon and talk to you later. One even paused, looking at your tapping fingers, your focused expression, and told you to write things down. So you could remember them for later, if more things came up- we wouldn’t want you to forget, now would we? A pause, a strained smile, as you fished a notebook and pencil from your bag. It made dread coil in your chest, a heavy weight over your heart. That’s right. You only matter as long as you have use.

There’s a croon, and you blink, shaken from your daze. Foul Legacy stares down at you, crystalline eye wide and anguished. No. No, no, no- he hates that you think of yourself like that, as someone, something to be used. He crawls towards you, cupping your face in his claws and letting out a soft, saddened warble. His wings twitch and flutter, curling in your direction as if he wants nothing more than to cuddle you close and shield you from all the dreadful things in the world, because he does, his instincts scratching at his skull and hissing, biting, gnashing the source of your hurt, trying to vanquish it in battle and make it disappear. Protect. Heal. Love.

Legacy squeezes you a bit tighter, pressing your head against his lavender fluff, grown soft with how much you brush and fawn over it. You think he’s beautiful- you’ve told him before, time and time again. Beautiful, lovely, wonderful- why can’t you see how amazing you are, too? How much you help, how much you matter? Even if anyone else can’t see past their own nose, he knows how much you deserve to be showered with gratitude and affection. His gentle nuzzles shift and crackle lightly, turning to soft skin, scarred hands massaging your arms. Childe presses his forehead to yours, his despair on par with Foul Legacy’s, murmuring frantic words of reassurance filled with tears. Nothing, nothing, nothing. That’s all you ever call your feelings, your wants and needs. You’ve spent so long supporting others that you can’t even remember anything you desire, truly, nothing at all. He caresses your cheek, looking deep into your eyes with an oceanic gaze. Please, tell him something you want. Anything. Please. You shudder, and desperately reach your arms to him. Childe meets you halfway, wrapping you in a firm, tight hug and pressing his face against your shoulder.

He wants to give you everything, yet he knows what you need most is someone you can just exist with, not to help, not to complete a task for them, but just to be in their- his- presence. If you listen to his woes, ever, not even the Archons would be able to stop him from listening to yours, because you deserve it. Friendships go both ways, the world seems to have forgotten. Childe was your friend first, and he’s your friend now, and your love, your Harbinger, your sweet, monstrous Foul Legacy, and he adores you with every fiber of his being. Childe peppers kisses over your face, one hand human, the other armored talons, both him and his Abyssal half comforting you. Yes, they get what you mean. They get what you mean all too well, aching and weeping and watching you suffer again and again, wringing yourself dry for people who toss you away once their problems are solved.

But not with them. Never again with Childe and Legacy, forever by your side. You have no tears left to cry, but they still hush you, gently. Shh, shh… it’s alright. Everything will be okay. Childe sighs as he pulls away, tracing your features with a finger and holding back his own sobs, steadying his voice against his resentment towards the world for your treatment. “Talk to me. Talk to us. Please.” For us, we love you so.

[dood-itsradical]

Same Difference.

Pairing: Jake Kim x F!Reader

Summary: Never the one to speak of your father, Jake beat you up to it. Finding the irony of the situation.

Genre/Trope: Fluff, established relationship, friends to lovers.

Details: 1.1k words, tomboy!reader, f/name stands for father's name, reader's dad is gen 0 hotshot.

A/n: It's only been two days since I last posted. I'm just itching to write/post and not doing it actually makes me tweak. I love feeding y'all 😔 As always I don't do requests.

Masterlist

"Hellooo...! Earth to (Name)."

The snapping finger finally released yourself from your daydream.

"Huh?" You turned to Jake. "Oh, sup J." You brushed your hair back.

"You alright? How far are you?" He leaned on the desk to your side. You shake you head, ignoring his question. "Sorry, what were we talking about?"

"Right." He nodded, decided not to pry on you further. He gestured the boxes and files, "You were helping me getting rid of these junks?"

Giving him a weird look as you put two and two together since it's obvious that he could've just given this task to anyone.

"If you wanna hang you could've just said so, you know." You deadpanned.

He shrugged innocently, "Guilty but I wanna be careful. See if there's some stuff I might wanna keep."

You grimaced, pulling a grin. "Might."

"Might." He cringed. "Because see this." He pulled out old photos to you. Most of them were Gapryong Kim, no doubt. Few were him with other folks.

You took them from his hand, looking closely for yourself, "What are you hoping to find? I thought you hated the guy."

"Can't a guy look around without feeling bitter? I ain't a sissy."

His casual reply made you rolled your eyes. But you get him. And good for him for getting over the grudge. Or not. It's no rocket science that he's just hiding it for the sake of his image. Especially to you. To anyone, really.

"Huh."

"What?" You turned at him.

"Didn't know he and (F/Name) knew each other. Not surprised but, damn."

Your brows lit up but luckily he didn't notice. You leaned closer towards him to take a good look at what he meant. And well what'd you know? His old man and your old man standing together.

"You...know him?" Jake nodded, "Not much. But I heard enough. I always wanna learn (F/Name) fighting style. That fist. I just couldn't get it right." He formed his own fist, demonstrating his failed attempt.

Your gaze trailed at his body posture curiosity. You take notes to what he lack. Almost as if you're be able to scan him right here and then.

"Like this." You instead automatically showed him how it's done without feeling like you're showing off. You aren't. You're just show what you know. So forming a fist of your own, you leaned your upper body forward slightly and push the air, mimicking a subtle punch.

"This?" He followed you, again still getting it wrong. You shook your head, scratching your neck, "It's a bit complicated. I don't know how to explain."

Jake grinned and relaxed his body once more. "Don't be like that. Teach me. You know didn't you? I've never seen you kick ass up close before, it's not fair."

You only chuckled and continue with the junks. But does he stop talking about (F/Name) after that? No. And it confuses you. What did he see in your father that you don't? To you, he was just a guy with knowledge to pass down before he grow old. But an old fashioned influencer? You legit thought the guy was a nobody. He was an isolated man. Respect or feared by many. Never in your life thinking he'd get out there. Let alone having friends. Friends are too generous. Colleagues are more like it.

"Does he...have any kid?" You didn't know why you asked that, but you were mindful enough be vague about it. You were quite curious now that you know your pop was, or still is a big shot. Might as well use the privilege by hearing it from Jake.

He nodded, tossing the papers into the burning barrel. "One. A son. Never seen him. People said he's good too. His first kill was when he was nine."

Your face hardened. First kill. Nine years old. You really didn't wanna hear about that. Seems like words do come around here. And a son. People refer you as 'the son'. It makes you wonder if that's what your father rather see you as or you just look like one. Besides, you hardly get by proper friends back then. Son or daughter, same difference. They were all afraid of him. The thought still makes you slightly somber. Your movement slowed.

Jake notices but continue, "Got something you wanna share? I won't bite. I'll get it if you have a bitter pasts with him. Consider how knowledgeable you are." He tossed the last one in his hands then sit down on a portable chair. "But I'm curious about what you've learnt. Hell, I'm not gonna lie, I'm very curious. So...why not be a doll and share it? With your favourite boy Jakey?"

Your solemnity faded, replaced with a snicker, "'Jakey'? You really know how to persuade me. You persuade better than girls do."

"Yes, well, it's part of the big deal." He lays out his one-liner like winning an award. You laughed, tossing the papers towards him but missed completely as they flew to the opposite direction. "Oh my God. You're not gonna stop using that, are you?"

He laughed with you, leaning back only to lose his balance and landed his back on the ground. You both shared another round of laughter.

"Okay but seriously. I can't know?" He kept himself laying on the ground for a bit, eyes stayed on you.

"I never said that. I'll be honoured to teach you." You sighed, stretching your arms. "Besides, I hate to keep you in the dark. We're friends-"

"Boyfriend and girlfriend." He quickly corrects you.

"Right, sorry. And I'm too guilty for not telling you that (F/Name) is actually my dad."

He nodded, "Yeah, I totally get that. I'd be to- wait." He paused, "...What??" now standing up to look at you properly. He comes forward and grasps your shoulder firmly with intense eyes. "Please. Teach me."

Save to say he took it pretty well. And as promised during your spare time you spar with him by teaching him what your father had taught you. Seeing him so concentrate surely piqued your interest. You have so much to focus on. From fixing his postures and techniques to his constant shirtless, sweaty, covered-in-tattooed self.

"That's it for today." You exhaled, wiping your sweat with a cloth.

"You go ahead, I'll meet you inside later." He insisted. But you didn't leave yet. "You could use the break too. I hate to...hit the shower alone." You muttered, hoping he didn't hear that part. But he did, now staring at you like a deer caught in a headlight. Now you feel embarrassed. You're no better than him. Flustered as he is.

"Nevermind, um, forget I said that." You turn your head sheepishly. He was quick to catch up with you. "No, no. I'll come too."

"No, it's fine-"

"I'm coming, no take backs. You, me, shower. Yes? Yes. Okay." He fastened his pace, pulling you by his arm effortlessly. He's totally gonna be the death of you.

[youleftmenochoicebut]

IS IT NEW YEARS YET? — sirius black x reader

SUMMARY. — it’s the new year’s eve party at Potter’s house, and you broke up with your partner a few weeks back.

PAIRING. — sirius black x fem!reader

WARNINGS. — uhm… my writing being fuckass (thats not a word); some making out?

A/N. — just a quick blurb cause its almost 4am and i can’t sleep

„heyyy, there you are!” Sirius’ voice brings you out of your own head and you turn in his direction, amused as you watch him practically waddle over to you.

he’s drunk out of his ass, that stupid goofy smile plastered on his face, making him look ever so softer than usually. you, on the other hand, haven’t drunk almost anything, not really being the life of the party tonight despite trying. you reach out your hands, grasping his shoulder and helping him maintain balance while he enters the balcony and slumps down on the ground with a groan.

the two of you are silent for a moment, you sipping slowly on your heavily watered down drink, and him staring at you.

„party’s that boring you came looking for me?” you finally mutter, raising your eyebrows, and it’s painfully clear for you both that you’re trying to keep the spirits high, poorely.

„it’s almost midnight.” he replies casually, shrugging, and he flashes you another one of those grins of his, to which you just shake your head. „i didn’t want you to be alone. everyone needs someone to kiss when the clock strikes twelve.”

you scoff, rolling your eyes, and for a beat you just gather your thoughts. Sirius and you are… complicated, if to say in one word. never really best friends, never really hated each other. never neutral, but never something more. in the same friend group since your 4th year at Hogwarts, yet never been truly alone together for more than a couple minutes.

surprisingly though, he was the one at your side comforting you after your recent breakup. ever since that, you’ve both been feeling the tension between you, but neither have had the guts to act on it. yet.

„very funny, Pads.” you sigh, running your fingers through your hair to brush it back, and you swear you saw his smile drop for a second, but just like that it’s back. „im not really in the mood to kiss anyone.”

Sirius lets out an annoyed huff, messily searching his pockets to pull out two crumbled up cigarettes, passing one to you. you take it, of course, and light it up with a quick incendio. the air around you feels almost serene as you both inhale and exhale the smoke, and if it wasn’t for the loudness of the party going on inside, you’d say something about it. instead you focus on your cigarette, your gaze focused on the stars above you as you blow out the smoke lazily.

„i cannot understand half of the muggle shit Lils and Remy try to show us, but Merlin, i fucking love cigarettes.” you murmur softly, a chuckle escaping your mouth at your own words, glancing back at Sirius. he’s staring at you again, and when you catch him in the act he smiles, nodding along.

„hell yeah. and that other shit. uh-huh, vodka!” he eagerly weights in, already finishing off his smoke, and he leans in closer to you, his fingers grazing over your knee.

you hum in agreement, taking your sweet time with that cig, before putting it out against the railing. when Sirius leans over, you shudder under his feather-light touch, ready to back away. but that’s right when you hear the people inside start to count down from ten, and you sigh.

suddenly, Sirius tugs on the sleeve of your dress, quickly wrapping his arm around your waist, and he pulls you in. for a wasted man, his moves are smooth and steady as always, hands now resting on your lower back as you’re straddling his lap. your lips pursed together in slight agitation, and the moment you start to pull away you hear a loud ONE, and you know what’s coming.

somehow Sirius’ hands are now on your cheeks, and his lips press against yours lightly, not making any rushed movement, clearly waiting for you to reciprocate. and after a short second you do, your arms wrapping around his neck loosely as you even deepen the kiss.

it gets more heated than you’d thought it would, his hands trailing all over your body almost frantically, squeezing at your thighs, your hips, your waist, the underboob area. a soft whimper escapes you when you two pull away, your lips red and swollen already.

„happy new year, Y/N.” Sirius whispers against your skin, his mouth sauntering over your neck as he starts to leave wet kisses there, and your fingers tangle into his hair.

„happy new year, Siri.” you whisper, biting back a moan at his ministrations, the tiniest of smiles making its way onto your face.

welcome 1979, goodbye 1978.

[feyd-meowtha]

@middlingmay's Fic Rec Questions

I saw this list and thought it would be fun to give it a go!!

1) Fic that's made you laugh the most

He May Be The Reason by @c-goldthorn. It's a Clegan Notting Hill au and it makes me squeal with delight. So cute that I got distracted while reading it and missed my stop on the train.

2) A fic that made you cry

my kingdom for a kiss upon your shoulder by pillar of our community @swifty-fox. I'm sure most ppl have probably read this one but it's such an amazing post-show continuation that really doesn't pull it's punches when it comes to both PTSD and the realities of being gay in the 40s

3) Fave comfort, silly fic

It's a little rogue but I'm gonna say Awake, Alive by the wonderful @whirlpool-blogs. It's a pet sematary au so not exactly what you would call traditionally comforting but the ending makes me so happy and the whole thing is just a joy. The fact that this came to mind when I thought 'comfort fic' is probably pretty telling about me as a person....

4) The fic that made you try a genre or trope that you don't usually read

This is also a bit rogue but it was tricky since I'll read anything, so I'll go with Strings of the Strings of Life by the lovely @weimarweekly, not because of any of the content but because I don't, as a general rule, read Dune fic that was written after Dune 2 released. I've bored everyone to tears with my complaints about that version of Feyd but it is what it is so I tend not to like any fics written about that version of the character BUT the prospect of a feydpaul Berlin techno au was too delicious to resist and the whole fic is so fun. It makes me miss Germany sooo bad.

5) An author who has inspired your own fic writing

This one has got to go to the anonymous author of both Close And Yet Closer and The Replacement. Both of these fics are god tier and their character psychology and willingness to allow their versions of the characters and relationships to be ugly and messy are so inspiring to me. They were also the first person in the John/Hausman tag on ao3 which is currently just me and them. I think about the replacement all the time and it was a HUGE influence on 3am Eternal. If I can ever write half as well as them I will die happy.

6) What are your fave underdog authors? Those that you feel are underappreciated and deserve a bit more love

Hmmm, this is kinda hard cus the MOTA fandom is pretty small so I feel like a lot of stuff gets decent buzz. Imma shout out @whirlpool-blogs again and especially their fucked up clegans fics, I have read and reread all of their works and they're always so so good. I will also add @steeseman for Up In Our Bedroom. It's another great post-canon fic and while it has a lot of hits, I don't think I've seen anyone talking about it on here.

7) What's one thing you wish writers/readers did more of when it comes to fanfiction.

The obvious one is comment, it really does make my day when I get a nice comment, even just a couple words or an emoji mean a lot. The other thing I would say is writing curt/Kenny fic, there's not much out there and I want more please. Also more fics where characters relationships are like genuinely kind of fucked up and toxic. I love that shit.

8) What's one thing you wish writers/readers did less of when it comes to fanfiction.

Oh man, I really do not know. The only thing I can think of is that I hate the word 'yap' or 'yapping' so if I see it in a fic I shudder. Hmmmm, I guess I also wish that there was a little more consideration when writing Gale's dad as an alcoholic because it's often treated as the basis for him being a shitty person. Addicts aren't automatically bad people and I sometimes feel like it's portrayed that way. @blixabargelds wrote an excellent post on this

9) I'm adding an extra one and that is current WIPs I am reading

Sympathy For The Devil by @blixabargelds, it's a modern ghost hunting AU and the set up is AMAZING. I will also throw Superstar in here even though it's not releasing main story chapters yet, everything Frankie writes is so tailored to my personal tastes it's crazy and I am so excited to read @mildharm's John POV chapters too. Literally foaming at the mouth thinking about it rn. When it starts being released fully, I fear it may kill me.

Love Song From A Dog and The Heart Is A Muscle by @swifty-fox. I've only just started THIAM but I'm so hyped for their take on the tattoo shop/flower shop au.

Hit Me Where The Heart Is by @london-cowboy makes me legitimately insane. I jump for joy whenever there is a new update, these versions of the characters and their stories are, as Paris Hilton would say, beyond. I do not have the words to say how much I am loving this fic. The characters and setting feel so real and it's just so creative. AMAZING.

I need to get around to starting let us not desert one another; we are an injured body and also the time skip fic whose name escapes me by @irregularcollapse and also catching up with @weimarweekly's rodeo fic, Looking For Eight

Writing this was very fun and I encourage anyone reading to give it a go if they fancy it!!

[basedonconjecture]

I just read a critique on how the fandom treats Caterina, flattening her into a wholly morally objectionable character beyond her treatment of her grandsons rather than engaging with the nuance of a matriarch who is balancing her grip on power with the survival of her family. And I…have to agree that this is largely what I’ve seen myself and, while unsurprised, am somewhat disappointed by.

I want to be as delicate as I can here but there does seem to be a fair amount of players projecting their familial traumas onto Caterina, specifically, as well as the dynamics of the Dellamortes as a whole without accounting for their actual characterizations. There is certainly a form of catharsis in working through painful things within us using characters we relate to (and you can, of course, write whatever you want) so this isn’t me saying there’s anything conceptually wrong with this practice as a general rule. It is only me (calmly, gently) suggesting that a bit of circumspection about Caterina when writing her is, in my opinion, necessary. Not only to give space to a character who, by the very nature of them, IS complex but also in accurately depicting Lucanis’ (and, by extension Illario’s) relationship to her.

This isn’t to absolve Caterina of the choices she made or the harm she caused but there is something to be said about how there is far more sympathy for a man willing to sacrifice thousands of people for a lost cause than a woman trying to make the best decisions she could in the position she was in. I’m not going to say them here but I’m sure my meaning is clear.

I will say, while I think wanting to write Lucanis getting away from the Crows comes from a generally well-meaning place, I do think there are few ways to do so that wouldn’t strip him entirely of his agency unless you are engaging with Caterina (and his relationship with her) in a meaningful way. And this includes grappling with the murkier aspects such as grief and the love that remains for a person who has caused you harm. Most of all, it requires Lucanis making this decision himself. Not Rook or anyone else. Personally, I don’t think it’s a path that is super consistent with his character but that’s just my own interpretation. Again, write what you want. How you want. But I do think the themes of regret and forgiveness can be applied to the Dellamortes in a much more nuanced (and satisfying) way than Rook (or Neve) “saving” Lucanis from his terrible family as much as they may want to. Which can be an interesting angle to take in a post-VG relationship, conflict is important for relationship growth, but it becomes rather shallow if it is solely depicted as Caterina hating Rook/Neve or treating them poorly and/or doesn’t take into account Lucanis’ feelings, only pitting his family against them in a sort of forced choice situation, etc.

tl;dr the fandom’s treatment of Caterina largely kindaaaaa squashes any nuance there and I don’t wike it *whinewhinewhine* :(

[mike-smh]

Chat, I have a lot of opinions on the hermitcraft fandom, specifically a lot of common headcanons or AU’s people have. So if you don’t wanna read them that’s fine this is just me rambling lol.

Grian

Grian is constantly portrayed as an innocent little guy who only ever did the bad things because he was possessed by watchers. I hate this because so many people infantilize him in order to make him look more innocent. He is a fully grown man with a wife. He is probably twice the age of the people who write him in this way.

I have three major issues with this. Firstly, he can’t be possessed by a watcher since within canon the watchers are just the audience. I know that in some people’s AU’s the watchers are godlike entities who can do possessions and control people. But if that’s true then why would they control Grian specifically and make just him innocent and make everyone else the bad guys.

Secondly, it’s unfair to ignore every single action he’s done that has hurt people. It’s unfair to force everyone to forgive him just because he “wasn’t in control”, possessed or not he still hurt people in so many ways. Everyone he hurt has a right to be angry with him even if he was possessed because he still hurt them.

Lastly, Grian absolutely knows what he’s doing, because he pulls pranks on hermitcraft that are a lot like the things he’s done in the life series. And canonically watchers aren’t on hermitcraft because they simply don’t exist there. People make AU’s where they do exist on hermitcraft which is whatever but still. Grian is still in control of himself when he does bad things, he is self aware and has made multiple points of being self aware when he has done harmful things to people.

Scar

I have so many complaints about fanon Scar. A lot of people also infantilize him and never acknowledge the fact he’s in fact manipulative, cunning, deceitful and a villian. People really only portray him as someone who’s in love with Grian and will just be a punching bag for the other life series members as if he doesn’t know how to stand up for himself.

I actually have five main points about Scar because although Fanon Grian is something I'm also passionate about, the fandom just does Scar dirty and completely changes him into someone unrecognizable.

So, firstly, I hate that the fandom makes Scar into a man who doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. They constantly portray him as someone who’s a people pleaser and just does whatever anyone wants. They turn him into a doormat and punching bag when in actuality he is very much the opposite. Scar is manipulative, he never says no to an idea if he doesn’t want to do it. He has many canon kills, there’s times where he’s killed people when he didn’t even need to, he did it just for fun. Or during 3rd life when he made Bdubs and Grian fight for their lives.

Many people make the excuse that he only did that because he was a red life but that doesn’t make sense because he’s done that on hermitcraft too. His persona Hotguy is literally a hero that kills whoever he wants, he just shoots people at any time and kills them. Also during season five, when Convex originated, he constantly killed others for his entertainment. And again, people make the excuse that he was controlled by the Vexes. Okay, that’s a valid argument, except when you remember he was a corrupt mayor in season seven. He was a swindler in season eight where he took everyone’s money so that they actually got a chance to live through the moon crashing and he helped King Ren in season nine.

Another point is that people make him way too forgiving. Especially towards Grian and everything Grian has done to him. When he has literally, on multiple occasions, referenced bitterly to all the things Grian’s done to him. He’s known to hold grudges against people in both hermitcraft and in the life series. It makes absolutely no sense to make him a constantly forgiving person, that is unless he is nothing but a love interest for Grian. So many people infantilize Scar just so that they can justify shipping Scarian, because they know that if they took all the canon information at face value that Scarian would never be a healthy relationship.

Taking that into account leads us to our next topic, people like to completely disregard any personality Scar has in favor of just making him into a shipping vessel for Scarian. Some people make his entire personality into just liking Grian. People like to make him forgive Grian for everything he’s done, even him cheating on Scar during Double Life, just because they like the ship. And honestly, it grosses me out. Seeing people completely disregard how toxic Grian and Scars relationship actually is and change them both into characters completely unrecognizable from canon just so they can have their ship.

I’m sure there’s so much more I can complain about when it comes to Fanon Scar but I’ll make just one last point. His disability. I’ve seen a lot of people make Scars personality revolve around his disability. People essentially making fun of him in a way, making him stutter every sentence, unable to read properly, constantly bringing up how he can’t walk, etc. Now, as a disabled person these inherently aren’t bad things, there’s nothing wrong with bringing these things up and talking about them. It’s just how you talk and bring them up is what’s important, some people talk about it in a way to mock him.

Making him the butt of the joke because he can’t pronounce somethings properly, mocking him because he struggles with reading. Which in my opinion, is disgusting. Yes the cc makes jokes like this with the other hermits, but the other hermits are his friends. You, as a viewer, are not his friend, you don’t know him and you don’t know if he’s hurt by random strangers making fun of him for things he cannot control and making his disabilities his entire personality.

Mumbo

Mumbo. My man, Mumbo K. Jumbo, the Redstone innovator, the man who made a house that can walk. What I’ve noticed about him is that he gets so watered down in Fanon, I swear people just don’t want to give him an ounce of personality. So I will be talking in detail about that.

First of all, people make his entire personality just being a silly guy, they give him no strengths, no weaknesses, they just make him an NPC I swear. They make him act all timid and clueless like he doesn’t know how to do anything at all, they make him helpless. When he literally isn’t, he’s just as villainous as anyone else. He does what he wants to, he kills who he wants to, he threatens people, he literally blew up his entire base just because he wanted to.

Second of all, I swear that it always somehow circles back to Grian, and I despise that. Because for some reason people again, forget everything toxic thing he and Grian have done and just ship them and make Mumbo into nothing but a love interest for Grian. It’s just so disappointing to see people give absolutely none of the other hermits any personality.

Third of all, Mumbo has pulled pranks with the intention of killing people. He constantly kills his friends or messes with them in ways to harm them or greatly annoy them. He constantly stands up for himself in situations and he manipulates people whenever he wants something. He is so much more than being a “spoon”, he is so much more than just being a silly guy who stresses over redstone. He’s not even just a redstoner, he’s a builder too but it seems that people also disregard that part of him as well because it just doesn’t fit into the vision of him being helpless.

So, in conclusion, people like making everything about Grian, people like making everything revolve around Grian. Scars personality? Changed and watered down so that people can have a “healthy” desert duo. Mumbo’s personality? Changed and watered down so Grian can have someone who supports him and constantly forgives him for all of the literal crimes he commits.

So, you might be asking, “Narrator, what’s the point of this? Why did you spend an hour writing about fully grown men who play Minecraft for a living?” Because I’m sick of seeing fully grown men being infantilized for a bunch of teens' enjoyment. Just so they can ship them together and make their favorite character (commonly Grian) be a better person and actually likable.

So what’s the point you ask? The point is that I fucking hate some of the hermitcraft fandom, specifically the people who don’t like people who don’t share the same opinions and or do any of the things I’ve listed. I’m not saying the people who do these things are bad people, just that I personally dislike them. In no way am I hating on the people, just the headcanons.

Okay yeah, I just realized I spent an entire hour of my life writing this and that’s an hour of my life I can never get back…

Also if I offended you, I don’t actually feel bad because I'm allowed to have opinions and so are you. By voicing your opinions you’re opening yourself up to criticism because not everyone agrees. And I know that, that’s why this is all in a first person perspective, these are my opinions and feel free to disagree all you want. I just don’t really care if you disagree lol

Anyway thanks for reading.

[joannerowling]

do you think they'll ever go for another HP spinoff? Both Cursed Child and Fantastic Beasts received poor or mixed reviews at best and were not that popular (I don't think anyone has ever referenced them IRL in my experience) so I doubt they'll be trying another spinoff anytime soon. Perhaps after the HP show is over in a decade? I really hope not lol, I found both CC and FB incredibly uninteresting and basic (Ezra Miller and Johnny Depp really turned me off too lol) and I figure any other spin off would be just as disappointing.

I also think the terminally online fans going "No one wants this! we want a spinoff about the founders or marauders!" are so incredibly out of touch. the HP show everyone will watch, however no one would care about either of those except super duper HP fans. If I said "marauders" IRL I highly doubt anyone would even know what I'm referencing. Also why on earth would they take a gamble on a new show after CC and FB flopped? and these terminally online JKR haters complaining about the show and screaming for a Jegulus spinoff instead also hated and complained about CC and FB for the most part? it's such a bizarre reaction that is based exclusively in 'I hate jkr and want to complain' instead of any actual desires on their part IMO

Will there ever be another HP spinoff?

Short answer: probably not.

Long answer: they can only greenlight a project with JKR's approval, so it really all depends on her. She's clearly not interested in writing more original Potter books right now, but she's ok letting others play with the IP in various media and/or commercial forms (except novels; duh, she's not stupid), so long as her specific wishes on some topics are met. So far, pretty successfully:

Theatre : Cursed Child, while hated by a vocal minority of (essentially book) fans, is a commercial and critical hit, winning several awards and touring in multiple countries while playing non-stop on the West End.

Video Games : Obviously a quite successful format, from the popular smartphone mini-games to Hogwarts Legacy. Nobody cared that much about HL's story, its success came down to the fun of actually getting to explore Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, etc.

Park theme(s) : Very successful and not to be underestimated creativity-wise, between decors, costumes, ancilliary products, etc. Again, the appeal is immersion and exploration rather than rides.

Supplementary non-fiction material : The "Hogwarts Library" supplementary books deepening the universe's lore have always been hits, hence WB using them as a base to develop FB.

Fantastic Beasts movie series (and the whole "wizarding world" brand) : The big disappointment. It didn't start so bad, the first was a success and well received. The second was too complicated and lost the GP, but still made money; and the third was better received but not well enough to save it. Still, even Secrets was more of a flop than a bomb (it made back its Covid-inflated budget twice after all, not enough to make a profit but better than nothing).

At some point, if i'm a WB exec and i'm a little smart, i start to notice patterns:

Normie fans and GA don't want new "wizarding world" stories: they want an immersive experience. Movies are a bad format for that. You just can't cram too much stuff in a movie without shit becoming real expensive real fast.

Book fans hate everything new in general, even with Jo's involvement it's getting touchy after FB and CC. (I'm sure an original novel would work but even that's risky and she's not interested anyways.)

On the other hand, book fans also famously disliked the movies, so a new, more faithful adaptation might interest them. Normie fans and GA too: they already know the story, so it's accessible, and parents would love sharing it with their kids.

Sales show that people in general are definitely still massively attached to Harry Potter, so it's worth investing.

TV adaptations of books following disappointing movies have been pretty successful recently: BBC/HBO's HDM, Netflix's Series of Unfortunate Events, etc.

TV's not a bad format for immersive story-telling. Not the best, but you have more screen time and it's usually cheaper to produce than films and more character driven, meaning more opportunities to add details and play with them. Enough "new" elements to stand apart from the movies and excite fans, but no risk of messing with canon.

For WB, a remake is a great middle ground to work with JKR in spite of her controversies: she's involved, but not too involved, because the story isn't a new one. It's not like she's writing an original script for them, she's just consulting to make sure they're not messing up. And for Jo? Also greatly convenient! She gets to make money with minimal work. She's a very busy woman you see, and she's got expenses (those rape crisis centers aren't paying for themselves).

Conclusion : Spin-offs = bad, expensive ideas almost bound to fail, unless they were adaptations of a new, critically acclaimed original novel by JKR, which will not happen any time soon. Remake = safer, actually something people want to see (or could be persuaded to watch if initially unconvinced, for the hardcore movie fans). Movies are (kinda) out, shows are (still) in. Carpe Diem, etc.

Will there specifically ever be a Marauders spinoff?

With the disclaimer that i'm not JKR so i can't actually know that but: no. Never. Not even a remote possibility, won't ever happen in a thousand years.

[duchessonfire]

ONE YEAR OF CEGAN

On this day last year (December 20th, 2023), I posted the first chapter of Nothing Left to Save, the second part of my Savior!Carl AU series. I had completed the first part all the way back in 2021, after binge-watching The Walking Dead again during lockdown, and I hadn't touched it for over two years. Every once in a while, I would re-read part 1 and look at all the wonderful comments that people left on it and tell myself that one day I'd write part 2. For almost three years, I would add little plot lines to the word document in my files. Then, in November 2023, I was finally done with my PhD and on top of absolute relief, I also felt the need to be creative again. I'd written almost exclusively Marvel for the past two years and I felt that my well for that fandom had run a bit dry. So, out of curiosity, I played the first episode of The Walking Dead on Netflix and I opened my Word document for part 2.

I could never imagine that this would lead to my most creative year ever on AO3. Between December 20, 2023 and today, I wrote almost 400k!! That is mind-blowing to me, especially considering that my total wordcount on AO3 since I opened my account in 2018 is almost 700k. In one year, I wrote more than half of that total wordcount. And all of it was for the Cegan fandom, which is especially insane when I think about how it all started.

More on this under the cut:

One thing that stands out to me most of all is that all these numbers happened in the Cegan fandom, which is a very small community. Back when I was posting part 1 of my Savior Carl!AU in 2021, the engagement was very small and sparse. I think I would get maybe 5 or 10 kudos between updates and two or three comments on each chapter. Back then, I was writing mainly for myself and every update was a labor of frustration as much as love. I had fallen into Cegan hard during my TWD re-watch on Netflix and I had tentatively tried to dip my toe into the Cegan fandom on Tumblr.

(Funny thing: I hadn't created a Tumblr account yet and decided to look at the Cegan tag to see if I could find a community there. What I found instead was harassment and hate spewed by antis all over the tag. It scared me so much that I closed Tumblr and didn't start an account until I got into Marvel. Honestly, I'm probably downplaying how utterly traumatic this first experience was, and I'm so thankful that I kept going anyway and posted my fic on AO3, where, for the first time in my life, I clicked on the 'enable comment moderation' button, because I was so scared that some anti and hater would find my fic and decide to go off in the comment box.)

As I said, I posted part 1 of the Savior!Carl AU in 2021 and by then... Cegan was already pretty much a dead ship already. This might be my skewed memory playing tricks on me, but I remember this being a very small and not really active fandom on AO3. The tag was updated very rarely, mainly by the same people keeping the ship afloat through sheer tenacity. Which makes sense considering season 8 finished airing in 2018, so by 2021, Carl had already been dead for over two years. And yet, in spite of this, I kept writing because I had this very clear idea of the kind of fic I wanted to read and I couldn't find it even after browsing pretty much all of the Cegan tag on AO3 (btw, did you know the first Cegan fic was posted in May 2016, right after the end of season 6 and the first part of the line-up episode? Insane). I knew I wanted a fic that delved into the slow build-up of Carl and Negan's relationship, one set in the apocalypse and which didn't shy away from the fact that Negan was a villain. Two things were most important to me: a slow-build (many fics in the tag where about a love at first sight type of encounter, and it didn't scratch the very specific itch I had back then) and a focus on power dynamics (mostly how unbalanced those dynamics would be when Negan was basically a tank crushing everything and anyone in his path). So, because I couldn't find the fic I wanted, I decided to write it myself.

This is how No Savior to be Found came to life. 45k. 4 chapters (which were supposed to be 3, but even back then I had no self-control over my chapter count...). And, because I was chicken shit about smut back then and because I was still afraid of antis, a Teen and up rating and a Carl & Negan platonic tag. I already knew this was going to be a series, a first introduction into a fully romantic and more sexual relationship between Carl and Negan but I didn't have the courage to write it then so I created the series on AO3 and told myself that one day I'd be ready for the follow-up. I told myself the series would only be 2 parts. A before and an after of Carl and Negan's relationship. If anyone was interested in reading it, cool, but most of my satisfaction would have to be derived from writing it.

This was a very dark and psychologically heavy fic, which I hadn't ever really written before (not in English at least). It was also the first time I tried my hand at flashbacks and a non-linear timeline. Part 1, especially the first chapter, is mainly made up of little vignettes because I wasn't very confident in my ability to write a long fic in English (I had only written one-shots back then, and one Teen Wolf fic which I never finished). It was experimental in so many ways and came with many challenges, first and foremost Negan's voice. As a non-English speaker, Negan's way of speaking was SO DIFFICULT to capture. I remember obsessively re-watching every single episode he was in in S6-8 of TWD to try and get used to the cadence of his words, to his constant delve into the vulgar and obscene. It was a nightmare. Every time I had to write a dialogue with him, I was basically pulling out my hair trying to make it realistic. It was also the first time in my life I ended a fic on a cliff-hanger, but it felt right because this wasn't for shock value or to spike viewer's engagement (what engagement lmao). If you've read part 1, you know the ending I'm talking about and it truly felt like a satisfying wrap on Carl's journey in the Savior AU, from child to man, from blunt weapon to active participant, from survivor to Savior. Honestly, I am still in awe of the courage I had to write an ending like that considering how self-conscious I was about my writing skills in English and what little audience I had. 2021 Duchess, you were a badass.

After I finished part 1, I pretty much lost interest in TWD. I was still incredibly proud of finishing it but I had no desire to get started on part 2 anytime soon. My PhD was taking up more and more of my time, I fell into Marvel hard, I created a Tumblr account to interact with the Stucky fandom, I got a Discord, I participated in Marvel events, I met wonderful Stucky people, and all around had a fantastic time in the Marvel fandom. Every once in a while, I'd get a comment on part 1 of Savior!Carl and... they were all so nice? I remember being actualy shocked by how sweet and how detailed those comments were, dropping in my inbox every few months, telling me how much they loved the fic and how they screamed at the ending. Whenever I received a comment, I would check the fic and get stunned at seeing the stats rise, more and more people engaging with it over the years. With every comment, my belief that I would one day go back to the Savior!AU series and write part 2 became stronger. I knew it would happen some day, it was just a matter of when.

And then, November 2023 rolled around. I defended my PhD and started a new job. Winter had come to Paris, and everything was dark and wet, and my new job had insanely long hours which left me very antsy when I came home. I knew I wanted to write something to distract me and be creative, but I had only written Marvel for two years and yet neither Stucky nor Stony called out to me. I knew I was craving something angsty and violent so I thought, you know what? Let's re-watch TWD on Netflix and see what happens. And lo and behold, I spiralled right back into my Savior!AU. A month later, I was posting the first chapter of part 2.

Honestly, I didn't expect anyone to still be interested in this fic 3 years later. I answered every single comment on part 1 and told each commenter that I had posted the first chapter of part 2 in the hope that someone would be curious enough to check it out. Marvel ships like Stucky and Stony were very active back then so I'd gotten used to a certain amount of stats on my fics, but I knew Cegan was a very rarepair in comparison and so I steeled myself for a return to very low engagement. And you know what? I couldn't have been more wrong. In terms of numbers, sure, it was barely a fraction of what I was used to. But in terms of comments? Of people interacting with the fic and telling me what they thought of it? Cegan was miles ahead of Marvel. To this day, some of the most consistent, most thoughtful comments I've ever received have been in the Cegan fandom. And it's not even a question of length either. I have people who have been commenting nothing but heart emojis on every chapter of my Cegan fics for the past year and I love them to death.

There is no word that can encompass how grateful I am for the Cegan community. I remember how scared I was back in 2021, terrified of antis and people criticizing the ship over, frankly, dumb matters (it's all fiction, enough said). 2021 Duchess could never imagine what today Duchess knows: that I have found so many loving and encouraging people to share my stories with. In one year of writing Cegan, I have met new friends, new readers, new writers, and all around incredible people. This is what fandom is about and I can only say thank you to everyone who has commented on my fics and reached out to me on Tumblr to talk to me about Cegan. This is worth more to me than any stat or number ever could.

2024 has been a fantastically productive year and I don't know if I'll write as much in 2025 but I know it doesn't matter, because more than a wordcount, this year has been about community. Thank you again to everyone who has been with me on this journey, from the bottom of my heart thank you. I couldn't have done any of this without you.

Love,

Duchess

PS: thank you so much @louferignojr for the tag. I'm tagging other people who might want to fill out the AO3 wrap card by Spicedrobot on Tumblr with the blank card at the bottom if they want to :)

@sparkagrace @confusedhockeyslut @lovelythunderstorm @ryisbread @ex0rin

@livefasteattrashh @honestlydarkprincess and anyone who wants to join in!!

[tommykinard6]

This is me putting out a desperate plea for someone to write BuckTommy mpreg with Tommy instead.

Please. I’m begging someone to break up the monotony of my dash. I don’t have time to do it all myself.

[violentlydefending]

genuinely always so shocked to see mirei hate. like literally god forbid women do anything.

[harrowscore]

................. not to rain down on anyone's parade but barely characterized 14 year old lucerys could never have the swag eleanor or henry had

[sisterdivinium]

It's interesting to stroll around Fanlore reading discussions that took place in 2007 talking about the fractured nature of fandom on LJ and people interacting without having enough context (as in commenting on a post they did not read by a user they do not know) when you're living in 2023 and people distribute likes without reading anything or commenting; when there's supposedly "drama" of unknown origins happening in more than one website at the same time because there's no real "home base" for fandom activity anymore; and we're all carrying on with our lives reblogging things without even looking at previous notes and reactions to that same post even if out of simple curiosity...

[lightningfilledsaber]

sigh I’m not doing yaoi discourse in 2023. takes three seconds to look up how it originated versus other gay genres/subgenres like yuri, shounen-ai, bara, or BL. I seriously don’t give a fuck if people create/engage with yaoi but ignoring its origins is not helping anyone especially if you’re trying to reclaim the genre.

[noxtivagus]

gna play to the moon later today 🤍