#again like genuinely love these thoughts lol... they make alot of sense but somehow it flew by me.

[integrity-souls]

YAYYYYYY THANK YOU !!!!! this is actually super insightful. its always so interesting to see the thought process of something weheh

HI RAXZ IT TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED AS IT'S BEEN A WEEK BUT!!! DURING ALL THAT I DIDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR FIC/S It's just one of those pieces of fanwork that leaves so much of an impression on someone, that it just ends up sticking and changing what you initially thought of a character, because of how well done the things most would just move aside or chalk up for simple reasons. you seem to be the only person who really does get Chara like no other, and I hope it's not strange to say you write them almost as if you know them or you are them that I'm sorta afraid nothing else will live up to how you written them and asriel in ur fan fic LOL but no matter... i will prevail. I love how you were able to portray charas self hate and self harm, i love how you didn't hold back on the ugly side of it and how far and disturbing it can be especially for someone as young as chara. There's just something so realistic about it that don't see alot anywhere else. 

I also like how you made asriel be childish, childish in a way a kid can be bratty or selfish(?) in the first half, that might not be a good descriptor but my puter is lagging from the many many words I've written for this ask so I'm making do </3 the point is you really know how to write these kids. Also enjoy that the tone of each fic is starkly different from one another, asriels pov feels grounded in comparison to charas inner thoughts

HOPEFULLY this all makes a little sort of sense, I've read both of ur fics three times so I'm praying it does, amen. ANYWAYS……. Love ur brain, would love to hear any thoughts you have on utdr in general if you ever decide to share em…. godbless. perhaps i couldve worded this better in a diffrent time but oh well, we ball. i hope u have a great day emoangel44🫡 will be looking forward for ur new utdr stuff

FIORE!!! i have been waiting for this day.. thank you so much. ive had several people say that i really get chara including like, literal veteran chara fans. its very nice to hear, theyre pretty important to me as a character. which is rather funny because the only analysis ive ever actually written on them that wasnt fanfiction was an essay on how i think theyre kind of actually a little poorly written LOL. to understand someone you have to know their weakpoints i guess... even if on a meta level.

for my asriel interpretation i try to incorporate a lot of "flowey-isms" as i say. the way i see asriel is that he was always a bit of a bratty, selfish kid that struggled with low empathy. he chooses to do what he thinks is right because he knows its right and not because it provides him with positive feelings himself... i think thats even more admirable. as opposed to this is think chara is high empathy which is part of the reason they did what they did. asriel is just way more of a people person than chara and so comes off as more understanding, charas just naturally a bit off-putting no matter how hard they try not to be.

chara and asriel are quite different people so i tried to make that clear in how i write their perspectives. chara is kind of stuck in their own head and lives in a world with walls of misery and think prose. theyre very direct but also very metaphorical. its a weird combination but it gets easier to write when taking in account their canon dialogues (one day youll get a fic from me with a more light hearted tone where chara will get to make their dog puns and nerd jokes. maybe). this is also the reason i write them with a strange mix of first and second person. it just feels natural for our narrator.

asriel on the other hand is much much more of an emotional person and is much less formal in how he thinks. he has a lot more filler words and "i-think"s and "i-feel"s and such.

i figure ill write a bit on what inspired each fic.

for my chara fic, i actually started writing it while bored in class. it was inspired a narration line in one of the fights in undertale, the one i used for the summary. the main thing i wanted to play with was metaphors and metaphors upon metaphors. mainly related to charas self hatred though the lense of soil and dirt and flowers and gardens because of course.

for my asriel fic, the main thing i wanted to play with was, quite obviously, writing from asriels perspective. i had already written 2 fics from charas perpective (the 1st one isnt as good as the other two and was mostly written as a characterization and perspective test) so i figured it was time to give him a turn, especially since it we only realy got a peak and asriels personality through charas eyes and i wanted to show it off more. the other thing that the fic ended up centering on is something my friend said to me about how they felt my chara characterization was screaming to be understood under all the hurt. basically the thesis of this fic is "asriel did not fully get chara but he was also the closest anyone ever got by a long shot which counts for something".

if youd like to see my other undertale stuff, here is some poetry ive written about chara (and asriel), here is my art tag which is full of stuff with them (alternatively, just use my undertale tag if you dont want art of anything else), here are my chara and asriel playlists that i always listen to while writing, and here is that chara essay i mentioned.

speaking of my thoughts on utdr... i actually dont post the majority of them. but id absolutely love to talk about them. so if you (or anyone else) have any questions about my thoughts on utdr or want to start a discussion about it Please do. Im actually begging you. i need more engagement guys send me asks. thank you for reading this absurdly long response

[yeahiwasintheshit]

again, i made an effort to watch a bunch of classic or famous horror movies that ive never seen before in october

Midnight Mass - this was really well done, production wise. Some genuinely creepy moments, (like in the cave) but I didn’t really care for the ending. And a little too religious-y, in that entire hymnals were sung and full liturgies were recited for some reason i cant understand other than to fill time? eventho the basic idea of this show is blatantly blasphemous (compliment) the portrayals of the religious rites and rituals were done with such love and care, you know the director was an altar boy at some point. lol

The Empty Man - i had to google this to remember anything about it, it was soooo goddamn forgettable. lol i

Scream Blacula Scream - this was just on tv early in the month and i think i missed like the first couple minutes, but it is total 70s blaxploitation cheese. its a mess of vampires and voodoo and silliness. but it was entertaining. lol it does have pam grier which is a plus.

Cabin Fever - another one that i thought was gonna be more horror and it was not that. i think they were trying to make more comedic or something but it wasnt funny, it was just awful. alot of humor that wouldnt work in 2021, gay and retarded jokes and a rapey scene that doesnt even seem to know it is. its a goodamn mess.

Squirm - this is in that category of horror where you pick some kind of non-threatening animal and it somehow thru sciene or the supernatural becomes a threat. this time its worms. and theyve been electrified and now kill people lol. really bad 70s horror. dumb story, bad performances. i did laugh once tho cause they have this kinda closeup shot of these worms squirming around and they added like pig squeals to it and it was funny.  they worms do come out of the shower head tho, its silly. lol

Cat’s Eye - not really horror but more twilight zone-y type short stories. Drew Barrymore and the cat are the thread that connects the 3 stories. I saw this when I was a kid and wanted to see again. It’s fine.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers - the 70s version is superior tho this isn’t bad for 50s horror. It does build the sense of paranoia and eventho it’s over the top, kevin mccarthy gives a good performance.

Cabin in the Woods - I really enjoyed this! I hadn’t been spoiled on exactly what happened but I knew there was some kind of basement floors of monsters or something. This took it to such crazy places, it was a lot of fun. When I saw it was a joss weadon movie I was not thrilled, I mostly can’t stand any of his hyper quippy garbage dialogue, but it used his shitty writing as a plot device in the beginning, I think. I enjoyed it!

Land of the Dead - ugh this was a dumb ass movie. I hate hate hate the new trope of having zombies with consciences, or self aware, or able to use weaponry, and this shitty movie had it all. Just garbage. I guess it had a sort of interesting idea about classism or whatever, but give me a break, this was lame

Suspiria - I really enjoyed this one! I only vaguely knew it had to do with witches, and the plot of the movie is basically secondary to the absolutely gorgeous set design and lighting. Everything is so visually striking, it really takes more importance than the movie itself, which is so basic, it’s barely there. The plot is set in a dance studio, but the dance between the actors, the lighting, the staging is really the star of the movie. I dug it.

[theghostbeaters]

my timeline of thoughts during my tlou 2 play through (bad and good and maybe even some silly) just let me vent because i can’t stop thinking about it tbh

- i was away from the internet for months because i didn’t want to be spoiled for anything, so when i started to play i had only the deceitful trailers to go by

- the beginning felt pretty normal for the last of us. they started you in the town and then on patrol for your hour of tutorial basically. i also remember thinking the recap of the first game was so nice because i liked seeing their younger selves in the new graphics

- abby was introduced, and like i said i had no clue what was going on because i had not been spoiled so my mind was going a mile a minute on wtf abby and co. were up to. when they spotted jackson my initial thought was maybe they do want joel and they will be the main antagonists? joel and ellie will have to fight them??? but because of the trailers, death of any sort wasn’t on my mind.

- i also had a very odd and pure hatred for owen’s voice, lol. i don’t know what it was but omg from the moment he spoke till his last breath i would always be like “why is he speaking like that??” in the back of my head.

- that scene happened. i’m a crier i’ll admit, but this was something else. I felt shocked, nauseous, numb. I don’t think I actually even cried till I saw the tombstone i was so taken aback by the way they went about this. I don’t care if they are fictional characters. It has been 7 years since the first game came out and almost 5 years that they released the first trailer for part 2. I did not wait this long, excited to see two of the most important characters to me in such realistic graphics get their fucking head caved in. at the very very least a fade to black and then to the tombstone would have gotten the same reaction you wanted from me, but it would have been done in a way less cruel way.

- i took about a 3 hour break. i could not get that image out of my head and it was really starting to upset me more then any media should. i don’t care or want to hear about any walking dead or apocalypse setting trope. it will never be edgy, deep, or meaningful to kill a favorite character in that manner. I want to state that again. In that manner. If they had killed joel in a more tactful way I could have possibly liked the game more.

-i remember thinking it felt forced. like the creators wanted this narrative so badly they seemed to go through hoops and hurdles to get there. there was a random horde that seemed to disappear as quick as it came, abby just gets lucky and has joel and tommy save her and then they go straight to the lions den? would joel from the first game be so quick to do that? Wait was she 100% sure just from two peoples names this was the guy she wanted? Ellie gets there just in time to see the final blow and then the others only get there just in time to miss everything and not be able to help? Whats going on??? This feels too structured and not genuine?? 

- going into his house was just as painful. i’m sorry but i’m going to bring this back up a lot-  if they would had just killed him in a more tactful manner i would have praised the way these little scenes were done. grabbing his watch, ellie smelling his clothes, seeing the pictures of sara and ellie, looking at his workshop and seeing how well he can carve! I couldn’t appreciate it the way I wanted to because I couldn’t get that image out of my head. i was literally bawling the entire time. 

-REVENGE TIME BEGINS:

+so the first scene was set: ellie wanted to go to seattle for revenge, dina was going to go with her, and tommy had already left. I remember having two thoughts here

  +“please tell me its going to be more then ellie just going on a revenge spree and then at the end she doesn’t kill abby because morals / murder is bad / not everything is black and white kind of tropes.” 

  +and “i have a wild feeling tommys gonna be like the only person that makes it out alive. he did it in the first game somehow hes gonna weasel his way free in this one.”

-ELLIES SEGMENTS:

+the graphics are amazing the sceneries are some of the most beautiful i have seen in a game. and it didn’t stop there. every area was amazing. I think most can agree to this. 

+i was determined, no matter what else the game threw at me i was going to see it through to the end and try very hard to visualize it the way the creators wanted it to be visualized. even if i didn’t agree or didn’t like parts, i figured hey the first game was so good this has to revive itself.

+i really liked the gameplay, it was a finer tuned version of the first game. i also liked the idea of the map and how it actively showed you different locations and crossed them out when you were done. but in the back of my head i was thinking “wow this would have all been so neat in the first game”. I shouldn’t be thinking about the first game. I should be enjoying this one.

+i was getting concerned none of the new characters were getting as much character development and love as some of the characters in the first one. I liked dina a lot, and by the very end of the game she did feel pretty rounded out (i especially liked her in the farm segment)  but the beginning and middle seemed almost more focused on “this is ellies girlfriend” instead of “this is dina”. I felt the same with jesse. I liked him but nothing stood out as much as it could and should have. I got more from tess in the short amount of time she was in the first game.

+there were certain segments that felt way more horror like and scary then in the first game and I loved them a lot. The new enemy (shambler) was cool and the settings where they used red lighting looked amazing. I also really loved the new take on stalkers. They were way harder to find and I found myself on edge to get jumped by one during those sections. They funny enough reminded me of dead space stalkers and i thought they were an improvement from the first games.

+at this point i pretty much understood what the creators were going for plot wise, but i personally just didn’t think it was needed. 1) i’m confident the majority of hardcore last of us fans already understand the concept of how every character can be good and bad and that not everything is black and white. we didn’t need to see one beloved character die horribly and the other be in that much pain and lose herself to understand that. 2) did we not pretty much already cover this concept in the first game? but....better? you remember...the ending?

- ELLIES FLASHBACKS:

+ of course I enjoyed them. its what i needed from a sequel. its what the whole game should have been, at least for me personally. the birthday flashback was the highlight of the entire game. i needed it so badly after the mind numbing, emotionally exhausting, weird out of place plot was putting me through. I was glad to finally see how ellie felt about the ending of the first game. but trying to crunch all that in 4 cutscenes? I just don’t feel like it was enough. you basically gave me one scene per year of joel and ellies relationship and you felt like that was enough to let me digest almost 5 years they spent in jackson?

- ABBYS SECTIONS:

+call me an optimist or maybe just stupid i’m not sure but when it rolled over and said “hey take over and check out the life of joel’s killer” my first thought was okay so i was right they want a “”nothing is black and white”” narrative but maybe doing it this way will be new and fresh? I can get through this and enjoy it? .... Its just not a fully possible reality and how could it be? had it been the first game in the series maybe it would had worked, but of course no matter how hard I tried I just felt disassociated from abby because I was already close to joel and ellie. I understood her reasons. I understood the narrative you were going for. I understood the damn parallels. I’m not an evil person that would just laugh about what happened to her dad, but how can you not understand as writers that a huge majority might be able to understand it, but still won’t be able to enjoy it. It felt so pushed and shoved into my face that I couldn’t enjoy it if i wanted to because the game just kept screaming “LOOK AT THE PARALLELS THO!!!”

+abbys dad seemed forced and out of place too. when abby and co. first killed joel i didn’t even think fireflies tbh. I thought it was something he did before he met ellie, or something he did during the 5 years in jackson. like yeah i got it, its not the worse backstory in the world but when put in context to the first game it just doesn’t make sense to me to use as the narrative you want to portray in the second game. maybe i’m nitpicking here but from all the personal notes and all the tapes you can read and listen to about the fireflies in the first game it makes it hard to believe the majority of fans would care for the second games narrative at all. they already made their decisions. it at the very least just seems like bad salesmanship? but maybe they already knew that and thats why the trailers were all lies? (just my thoughts at the time remember) 

+and oh god was the character development even worse for abbys friends. at least they tried to give abby a rounded character development that mirrored ellies but if you think ellies friends barely got character development, abbys friends got almost zero. I didn’t care about a single one. they felt so flimsy and husk like. “this is the boy she likes” “this is a medic friend” “this guy likes sex alot” “this is dog, so of course you like dog”

+I mean its great everyone was able to be so different. abby is muscular, ellie is a lesbian, there were many poc, dina is jewish, they brought in a trans character....but how can i enjoy any of it when more than half of these characters felt put in just to be there instead of well rounded characters you can appreciate for good or bad?

+the sex scene with her and owen was the scene where i personally felt myself giving up. it felt so much like this game wanted to be an HBO classic instead of just a video game that i felt myself detaching even more. (also whats up with owens voice??? lol)

+GROUND ZERO was a very good chapter. That shit was spooky in all the good ways, it felt a lot like dead space with the plastic everywhere, THE BIG ASS MONSTER HAD ME ON MY KNEES. The chase scene up to the actual boss fight was A+. Here is the one catch though - I forgot I was playing as abby. It felt more like just playing first person. Not a character at all. I don’t think that is how you want your game to be played, and no it wasn’t my intention. 

+I wish yara and lev had gotten more screen time. the game was so focused on the abby vs ellie thing and shoving it down your throat that most the side characters got washed out, these two included. Their story was interesting and it would had been nice to see more of them instead of whatever the weird love triangle abby had going on with her two friends I couldn’t care less about. (i stg chances were given, but as i previously stated they felt more like husks of characters then fully rounded ones.)

+getting hunted by tommy was actually a pretty cool highlight of the game for me. and even for a narrative i didn’t personally like it was a good idea to do! it reminded me of the sniper section (but holy hell tommys a better shot lol) and david’s hide and seek section in the first game which i thought was very well done. 

+this is when i went “oh maybe i was wrong, tommys gonna die. i give him a 20% chance of survival now that abby saw his face

-THEATER TIME

+why in the all out hell would you ever think it would be a good idea to tell the player to go after ellie? no matter what narrative? lmao. I died here the most literally for the soul fact i was scared there might be some kind of choice so i wouldn’t mash QTEs as fast as i normally would. and when i found out no, you just gotta power through it i literally found myself going through this 10 minute segment going “but i don’t want to do this”, “i really dont want to do this”, “do i have to do this?” “why do i gotta do this?” and yes i still understood your narrative but it doesn’t matter. it was just awkward. 

+This is where personally I would have put the cali segment if I really wanted to go with a narrative I still say didn’t need to happen because we already went through it in the first game, and then the happy farm bit at the end. 

-FARM

+i felt the game was going on too long and i was literally screaming at my screen to just end my suffering when i realized there was more after seattle. adding the extra PTSD scene just felt like an added fuck you towards the fans. I said it once, I’ll say it 1000x that scene with joel was seared into my brain already. I didn’t need that literal jumpscare. I already knew what ellie was going through dammit I was going through it with her! Let the girl and me for that matter have a bit of happiness after what you put us through!

+holy hell tommy fucking lived. he fucking lived. that mother fucker. hes the new telltales kenny. 

-SANTA BARBARA

+I said previously this section should have some how been merged into the seattle ending. I couldn’t tell you how honestly, but keeping it dragging like they did was so emotionally draining. it didn’t give me any feeling but more sadness and torment for a favorite character that didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. ellie looked so skinny and sad here. and i feel like it was what the creators were going for? because abby ended up looking just as sad looking. The ending fight was so sad and pathetic. I felt bad for both of them and that is what the creators wanted right? but at what cost? most of your fans, if they even managed to play this far, so emotionally drained and tired that they end up hating the game or not wanting to play it again? 

-ENDING

+so how do i feel now that i finished it? overall there were more cons than pros for me. as i said numerous times before this narrative is not new, this narrative was not needed. this narrative definitely shouldn’t have been lied about through trailers. this narrative was basically done better in the first game anyways. the ending did not give me “sad but hopeful”. it just left me empty and depressed. I don’t see myself playing this game ever again. 

+If anyone was able to enjoy it I’m truly happy you were able to and these were all just my personal thoughts and opinions while playing the game. I don’t hate anyone that liked it, I don’t even hate abby. I just personally hate they wrote a narrative that felt so forced down your throat in all the wrong ways. I hate that I wasn’t ready for that joel scene because it still hurts to think about. I hate thinking about how sad ellie looked and how they were both treated. It just wasn’t healthy for me tbh is the best way I can put it. 

[ohshitmyship]

Director’s Cut of The Party (Parts I&II) from How to Fake-Date a Pro Hero; A Guide by Dabi and Hawks

“so I wanted to start off by thanking @scarlet99 for asking me to do this commentary. It’s a bit long so I’ll put it below the cut! Also, my fic can be found here!

ok SO first off: I like, had no idea where this party was gonna go when I first started the chapter. Originally, my plan was to have Dabi get bored and get everyone drunk, THEN it was to tell it from his perspective and that would be based off the song “Stuck” by Caro Emerald (a lot of her songs from the album Deleted Scenes from the Cutting Room Floor make me think of this fic)

I have no idea HOW, but I somehow settled on the idea of Ikki creating more drama and I really really liked it

as SOON as I thought about their costumes, I knew it had to be Icarus/Apollo bc y’know. Wings/fire. Dabi’s costume was tough bc he doesn’t like showing too much skin, but Apollo is historically a slut

Also for Miruko’s costume, I really liked her as the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland and I was gonna have Remi be dressed up as Alice, but I just kinda forgot to say it and by the time I remembered, I couldn’t find a natural spot for it

OH MY GOD OKAY so I’ve been meaning to talk about this for a while, but it is SO HARD to try and write Dabi and Hawks in character bc this story is so fucking far from canon and they don’t have much spoken dialogue so far in the anime. Like, my trick to keep folks in character is to picture their voices saying the words I write. If I can’t picture it, it’s not in character. But I can’t really do that bc Dabi isn’t a murderous psychopath and Hawks isn’t walking on eggshells so he doesn’t get burnt to death – at least in this universe. Like, Canon Dabi would never go to a party like this, but FakeDate! Dabi would, and it’s really hard to find a balance between fanon and canon

ok rant over

I knew I wanted Natsuo to be Jack Frost, and when I wrote the scene I thought it would be cool if someone’s quirk made them look like Toothiana from Rise of the Guardians, so it just. Happened. I always wanted Natsuo to hook up at the party tho

also I forgot that Natsuo is only 20 so this technically takes place in Year 2 of Canon events, and Hachidori is 23

“We’ll leave you to it” is a Hamilton reference

I LOVE WRITING IKKI IT’S SO MUCH FUN

he’s such a dumbass and so manipulative I just really enjoy writing any conflict involving him. Especially since Dabi is just such a bad match-up for him. Like, Hawks has to watch what he says bc media exposure is a big part of his career, but Dabi is pretty much a nobody and likes it that way, so Ikki can’t hurt him

ok so the end scene where Miruko finds them making out – I was debating on who would walk in: Miruko or Ikki. I almost made it Ikki, but it didn’t make sense narratively speaking so I changed it to Miruko, partially bc it would be hilarious

OK Part II

so when I first started writing Part I, I was debating a staged kiss. One of two things would’ve happened: either Ikki managed to kiss Dabi in front of Hawks and Hawks would be hurt but pissed at Ikki, OR, Ikki would kiss Hawks and Dabi would be pissed at Ikki. However, I couldn’t find a way to write a staged kiss scene without it being annoying, and I kept wondering what I was gonna do. About halfway through Part I, I knew I wanted Dabi and Ikki to get into a fight and for Ikki to throw Dabi off the building, and Hawks would catch him

Ok so I really like Dabi and Natsuo’s relationship.Their whole conversation on the balcony was meant to be a pep-talk / confession. It’s also a way of me kinda explaining how Dabi deals with all the sudden popularity – I always saw him as the kinda guy that didn’t really care if random people liked him. If he liked you and you liked him, then it’s fine.

“I’ll wait as long as it takes for him to meet me at his own pace. He’s worth it.”

I worked so hard on this line and I’m lowkey disappointed that no one seemed to notice it much, but I get why – I mean, I did throw Dabi off the building

I LOVE THE IDEA OF IKKI GENUINELY THINKING DABI IS FLIRTING WITH HIM BC HE’S A DUMBASS ITS SO FUNNY TO ME

also Dabi would not hesitate to start shit if it were ANYONE else’s party. Like idk how clear I made it that Dabi wanted to kick Ikki’s ass, not caring who saw – but he cares enough about Hawks to put his own anger aside, which is like, a huge thing for Dabi

ok so the whole confrontation scene was hard to write but I REALLY enjoyed it bc I felt like it was a good way to expose how Hawks went through life vs Dabi. Like, because Hawks is so high up on the social ladder, he’s gotta perform for everyone and everyone uses him – even other elites. It’s sorta like a farmer marrying royalty, it IMMEDIATELY elevates your status. Hawks can date whomever he wants bc he’s climbed as high as he possibly can; heroes are the pinacle of their society, he’s the second most powerful hero in Japan and the most well-liked. Hawks is basically untouchable, and a great ticket to the top

also, I feel like a lot of people think that Dabi is only dating Hawks for his own personal means because that’s just the world so many of the elites live in, they can’t comprehend true compassion bc their life is just so glamourous

I LOVED WRITING THE FALLING SCENE I HAD BEEN WAITING TO DO THAT

also YES the Icarus imagery is on purpose

I didn’t get a chance to mention this in the fic, but Dabi knew he was staying at Hawks’ overnight (he has his own toothrbush and set of clothes there) and Natsuo was hoping to go home with one of the socialites, and he did

OK THIS WAS POINTED OUT THAT WHEN HAWKS KISSES DABI I FORGOT TO MENTION IT WAS ON THE CHEEK BC DABI JUST PUKED HIS GUTS OUT

So as for the end of the chapter, I knew that I wanted Dabi to be like, head over heels in love with Hawks.When Hawks rescues him and then takes great care to shield him from the rest of the party, I think Dabi realizes how kind at heart Hawks is, and he knows that he could search the world over and never find anyone similar

Ok so I think that’s it!!! Thanks again @scarlet99 for asking me to do this, it was alot of fun!!! I have a lot of other thoughts regarding my chapters lol, so feel free to ask again

[juvellita]

messy kbtbb character analysis

So… Let me just say that this is going to be LONG and MESSY post. I will try my best to make an analysis of all Kbtbb characters. Eisuke’s might be the longest, just because know about him more than any other bidders. This is more geared towards to those people who still have negative misconception about KBTBB. I get it. Their season 1 prologue did not give the best impression of those guys. I want to give you an insight of characters’ past, and why they are the way they were when MC first met them. PLEASE feel free to express your thoughts/ add on the comment section/reblogging! Let me know of what I am missing from character. I want to hear your analysis of characters too.

MORE UNDER

First things first. Let’s jog back to season 1.  I know MANY people did not like this game in the beginning because how it hinted on human trafficking. Let me clear this out first; when Eisuke and other bidders created the auction, they made a rule of not selling any human in an auction, unless they are willing to be sold. This is mentioned in Episode 0: The Promise substory.  

That’s not all though. Bidders approached mc in almost..inhuman manner. They treated her as a weird creature that they have never seen before.  Why do you ask? All bidders have some sort tragic/traumatic past that cannot be easily cured. I have mentioned this briefly in my “short bidder’s complexity summary” post, but every single one of them has a reason why they cannot trust anyone that easily. Let’s look at each character in depth.

Let’s start with Ota and Eisuke, since these two characters were the MOST controversial characters when they were first released ( I apologize in advance if I miss anything for Ota. I have played his route every now and then, but I never actually read all his stories). WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven’t read any of their stories yet. Also… ALOT OF FAWNING UNDER EISUKE’S

First, Ota Kisaki (The Angelic Artist).

Essential Question: Why does he treat MC like a pet at first?

He was an unique artist ever since when he was little. No one acknowledged his art, except this guy named Doi (I believe), who was an artist.  He keeps encouraging Ota to continue with his art, regardless of how others thought his art was so weird.  This kind of event makes Ota ABSOLUTELY trust in Doi. He was the only one who supported his art preferences. Why is there reason not to trust him? Until… Doi plagiarized Ota’s work, and claim it as his own. At that time Doi was much of bigger artist than Ota, so Ota didn’t have any power to fight back that it was a lie. This.. made tragic mark on him. He refuses to trust anyone. I mean, it’s arguable right? Doi WAS the only one he trusted (before MC came into his life of course). He then creates this facade of “Angelic Artist”. It was his way of separating between the real him and the expectations from the others. That way, he wouldn’t  have to go through the pain he went through again. When he first met MC, he called her ‘Koro’. The name ‘Koro’ was a way for him to put a distance with MC, since he refused to trust anyone after his most trusted companion betrayed him. A lot of people argue that how he treated MC like a pet was inhumane. I understand this also, because trust me… I was one of those people. However, the main purpose for calling her ‘Koro’ wasn’t to treat her like a pet. He was simply..afraid of getting close to another person and being hurt again. Koro starts out as a way to put boundary between MC and Ota. As the season continues, it becomes affectionate nickname for MC.

Eisuke Ichinomiya.

Essential Question: Why is he inhumanly cold?

Oh man, You all know how much I LOVE Eisuke (I mean.. Just look at my shet spam on my blog). I will try my best not to only fawn over him in the duration of this post.

Where do I even begin with Eisuke? I mean, I think his first description was “Cold-hearted billionaire”. He probably went through A LOT during his career.  But If you still think he is cold-hearted, please look at all my screenshot spams. At least to Mc, he turns squishy marshmellow. When MC gives him that puppy dog eyes or when she smiles at him with uncontrollable happiness, there is NO way this man can say no to her.

In his Childhood Promise Substory, Eisuke only wanted power to save and protect ones he cared about and himself. He might come off as only selfish person in the beginning, but as story progresses on, you will know that is not true. He has difficult time expressing things in words.

Let’s first look at his family background. “Ichinomiya” isn’t his actual biological name. When he was young, his family went bankrupt. His father disappeared (Eisuke finds him again in season 5), and shortly after his mother’s health got worse and passed away.  He got separated from his little sister (who he finds again in his s1 sequel), and Akira Ichinomiya adopts Eisuke, who was good friend of his biological father. Before meeting MC, everyone who approached him, only approached him for his power and money. Up until his S1 epilogue, he used to have a groupies, who were obsessed with Eisuke. When he sees them shet talking about MC, he threatens them he will ban them if they keep on creating a scene in his hotel (and we never see them again after that).  Anyways, back to my point. These groupies only loved Eisuke for his money, power, and looks. Did they know a single thing about Eisuke? I doubt it. He only kept them around because he needed someone to numb his loneliness(numbing doesn’t solve any problem. He knew this, but regardless, he needed someone.). But beneath that cold facade, he was an absolutely lonely person. No one really loved him for he was.  He was craving for genuine love, but no one gave that to him.. He have gave up on the idea of getting that love..Until Mc came to his life. MC was the only one who was able to see through Eisuke, and realize he is lonely. She never approached him for his power or money, and he realizes that her actions and thoughts toward him are genuine.  (Seriously… read his pov if you have not, because they are the VERY reason why I LOVE Eisuke so much.) But he sometimes have wonders about what love is, since he was never used to being loved so genuinely by someone. In his season 3, he has doubts that his adoptive father actually loved him. Everyone around him only saw him as a man ‘capable’ of handling business. However, when he confronts Akira about it, he says that he wanted Eisuke to understand family love. He also claims how he is happy that Eisuke has finally found someone who can love him unconditionally (referring to MC).  Then throughout multiple s3 substories (such as his bday story, under his protection, etc ...), you can see how the definition of ‘love’ changed for him. At first, he thought it was unnecessary thing (meaningless to say aloud). However as him and mc gets close in relationship, he notices expressing love for someone you love is important (hint s5).  We also see that he is emotionally unstable. Mc is his big emotion supporter. You can see his emotion breaking through BIG TIME when MC gets in life or death danger (refer to my Desperate moment post if you haven’t already).

I want to also bring this to light: Eisuke has so many enemies. I don’t know what stuff he really did, but I can say some are just falsely created by some influential being.  If you ever played Eisuke’s s2, do you remember how Shuichi and Hikaru approached Eisuke? Hikaru was assigned to assassinate Eisuke, believing that he was the one who killed his parents. Same goes for Shuichi. He at first believed that Eisuke was behind everything that happened to his family. However, after s2, they somehow realize that that is not the case. Some mastermind was controlling them to get rid of Eisuke. This still reminds mystery. I really hope they cover this in his s6 or s6.5.

A lot of thing that I mentioned for Eisuke, I have already mentioned through my screenshot posts, or other bloggers have said it already. It might sound repetitive, but I cannot enforce enough, how much mc means to Eisuke. She is basically his life, one existence that will drive him insane if MC is in trouble in any way (but then again, Eisuke is so extra sometimes LOL). He will literally do ANYTHING to make happy. Mc isn’t a selfish person, so this won’t EVER happen but, in theory ( I DID SAY IN THEORY, SO DON’T FREAK OUT), if she ever wanted someone to disappear because they have hurted her ever since she was little, Eisuke will not hesitate to make that come true (actually he will do it before she even mentions it). He believes that anyone who makes mc sad should not exist (at least not close to them). I mean… he even says this to his own son LOL.  He will not hesitate to keep mc in his penthouse all day if he feels like she is in danger. Only reason why he doesn’t do this much anymore is because he knows how much mc doesn’t like that . This is where yandere eisuke came from because of how he is sometimes abnormally OBSESSED with MC. I mean...installing security cameras all around his hotel JUST for MC’s safety (and to check on her ...for his benefit).  This just proves how all sense of his ‘logic’ flies out of window when it comes to MC. He perhaps might not know the ‘normal’ way to express his love, but he tries his best to show MC that he loves her. And mc knows this.

Any ways… I am gonna end my Eisuke post here… if I continue I will end up fawning more over him.  SORRY I WAS SUPPOSED TO ANALYZE. I ENDED UP FAWNING

Baba Mitsunari

Essential Question: Why is he known as ‘playboy’?

There are many theories that this man has depression, which I honestly can see why. He is the nicest bidder in everyone’s route. He usually says hi to MC first when she comes in the penthouse, and cheers her up when she is seriously feeling down.  He is quick to lend a hand when any of bidders are in trouble.  His man has a tragedy… of not being able to truly love anyone, because he is scared that his ‘thief’ title will hurt the one he loves. He also wants to be loved like Eisuke and Ota, and give love, but he is SCARED.  Unlike Eisuke or Ota though, Baba has tendency to deprecating himself.  He once genuinely fell in love with this girl named Cynthia. However, he decides to leave her because he was scared that he would hurt her because of his career as a thief.

I have said it once, but I honestly think Baba is underestimated as a character. If I look at him closely enough, he probably is saddest character in KBTBB. Sad i mean…only one who probably realizes that he is sad. Other bidders are too prideful or disinterested in emotional feelings before mc comes in. Baba is probably the only character who is fully aware of what he is feeling even before mc coming into his life.  I do not know much about Baba, but I can tell this much from observing him in Eisuke’s route. He only became known as ‘playboy’ because he knew he wasn’t able to stick to one woman without hurting them.  Instead, he tries to numb his depression by having a lot of women around him, which obviously doesnt work.

Mamoru Kishi

Essential Question: Why is he so darn lazy?

You might not believe it but he used to be very passionate about his career. He had a investigation partner named Minami. However, one day, for some mysterious reason he died. Mamoru has made several attempts and proposals to solve the mystery of his death, but interpol has rejected his idea every time he proposed it. They all thought it was unnecessary to reveal that case was closed (in his route, we figure out Aida was behind all this).  From that point on, he realizes how crooked and ‘good for nothing’ his job is, and he loses all motivation to work hard.  I have never played his route so I cannot say much about him. But he is very skilled detective/policeman. He may not seem like it, but the way he gets Eisuke all those confidential information about interloper… i mean, I don’t think normal policeman can do that! In Eisuke’s season 5, Eisuke worries about Mamoru’s job in danger if he went such length to help him. But he assures him that it is fine since he is known as ‘slacker’ and so no one cares about him. He would go full length to uncover the truth once he sets his eyes on something.

Soryu Oh

Essential Question: Why is he allergic to women?

I mean… mainly because of his mafia title. Just like baba, he doesn’t think he deserves ordinary happiness nor could ever get one because of his career. Most times, his job is life or death matter.  He has strong sense of what is ethical and what is not. He would hate to put anyone in danger because of him. Beneath that cold exterior, he is probably most normal person amongst the bidder. He is also the one who is (personality wise) close to describing mc. When he meets mc, and sees her devotion to stick something that she set her mind on, he falls for her.

I also think one main reason why he hated women is because how they were ‘used’ to secure his life. In one of Eisuke’s substory, Soryu mentions that he lost his virgin because it was ‘life or death’ matter. Although it is clearly not addressed, there might be some unspoken reason why he used not like women.

FYI... I typed this out on word doc first... it turned out to be 5 pages...

[hamahsjournal]

My Struggle with Rejection and Vulnerability

I've had alot of friendships in my life, yet somehow here, right now I have none. It's a fact that physically hurts some days but 'it is what it is' as they say.

My very first friendship ever was probably my longest ever. I befriended twins in the Pre-K and we remained friends until the 8th grade, when I left our small school. I left school and slowly started hanging out with them less and talking to them less. It hurt, alot, at first, but we were naturally growing apart. I obviously didnt expect or want then to never make new friends but I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt when I'd see them on social media with other people. But I grew older, more mature and understand the natural distance that came between us.

What I cant forget and what will always hurt was my friend Aryn. Aryn and I because friends when I was in 5th grade. She was in 6th and had newly transferred to our school. I dont really know what brought us together but we were naturally drawn to each other and hit it off. We were absolute BEST friends! Like we texted all the time, hung out at every possible chance and we told each other everything, I really loved her.

She and another girl (who we'll get into later) stayed my best friends the when I moved away and still talked and everything. When my family and I moved back to my home town, Aryn and I had become slightly distant but nothing a few chats over coffee wouldnt fix. But little did I know Aryn had moved on. I would text her to hang out and she would agree then text back minutes before we out meet up time saying, for one reason or another, she couldn't make it. Then I would see her on social media that same night out with other friends. I was the backup friend, no longer a first priority, simply an option if a better one failed to come through. It hurt, alot.

Where our friendship came to a nasty end was the day after our mutual friend, Ashley's wedding. Ashley was at the time my best friend. I had known her a long time (as she use to date my brother, but that's another story for another time). Aryn her and I hung out alot. But as Aryn backed out of my life ashley was there for me and was a great friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and we were really close. But the day after the wedding aryn posted a photo that destroyed our friendship.

You see, aryn had a fake Instagram (a finsta if you must *rolls eyes*) that I didnt follow but Ashley did. Aryn posted a candid photo of her and I at the wedding where I looked, basically terrible lol, and posted a rude comment directed towards me under it. I guess I must have blocked out what the comment was because, I genuinely cant remember it any longer. But trust me, it was grounds for divorce.

I was hurt and felt like my life long friend had secretly hated me and I never knew. All the times she canceled our plans made sense she never actually cared about me like I did her. I felt alone and fell down a hole of depression for a while.

Luckily, my friend ashley helped me alot with that! She helped me realize the problem lyed with aryn and not me. But soon our friendship too ended.

After Ashley's wedding she moved away and we both did our best to keep in contact, but us both being young adults we had busy lives that didnt always permit that. I still considered her my best friend though. What was the end of things was when she made a trip back to our home town and didnt tell me. In fact kept it a secret from me and my brother, who was her husband's best friend. The obviously didnt want to see us for whatever reason and ignored us. They continued to do this multiple times while posting on social media pictures of them out with other friends. Friends, who by the way, made their wedding hell. But again another story for another time.

Once again i was left feeling hurt and confused I didnt know what I did to deserve this. I always was the best friend I could possibly be to Ashely. Fighting and standing up for her when drama hit the fan during her wedding, I threw her a bachelorette party, I talked her through a break up. But here I was once again out a friend, spiraling down the dark tunnel of depression, I too often find myself in.

What pulled me out of the maze of depression I was in was when I went on a missions trip to Mexico. Now I've been going to Mexico for a lo g time, but never more than a week at a time, until this trip. I went down for three months. I worked in an orphanage and loved it! I met a boy who worked there who was a few years older than me and we instantly had an unspoken connection. I found myself really really liking him, but we were just friends and I wasn't about to loose another friend because of my dumb feelings.

It wasn't until my next trip down, where I stayed for eight months, that I realized I was head over heels in love with my friend. But I never said anything. Him, two other girls and I lived and worked together in this orphanage, always hung out and were best friends.

That was until during the Christmas season where one of our mutual friends (who was slightly obsessed with him) was away visiting family. He told me one night, that he liked me, like alot. He has for a long time and sees us having a future together. You can imagine how genuinely happy and excited I was! This was why i was here! I would fall in love get married and have a family, it was incredible! But, I didnt want to start anything while I was living in the orphanage, because he was living there too and we were working with kids, so we didn't want anything weird to happen. So we decided to just wait to see what happened in the future.

Then, our friend came home. She cornered me one evening in our kitchen and went off. Saying I was ruining our friend group, his and I's relationship was inappropriate, I was a bad example to the kids, I made her uncomfortable and it needed to stop.

I left the conversation, locked myself in my bathroom and resorted to an old coping mechanism I thought I had long left behind. I cut my hips and sides. Balling my eyes out heart broken I had ruined everything.

This began a chain reaction of events that are too lo g to explain now, but in the end it came down to this. He had to choose to be with me or be friends with her. Guess what he chose?

He chose her then had the audacity to tell me he loved me. I hated him. Well, I wanted to. But I also loved him much. After a couple months I returned home, broken hearted.

I'm still broken hearted, hurt and struggling. He posts about her now, their friendship (thata more than a friendship if you ask me), how great she is and how much he loves her. While I sit here having lost a boy I love and my friendship with both of them.

I'd never felt so rejected and hurt in my entire life, it destroyed me for a long time. He still texts me occasionally and I text back keeping the conversation friendly but that's all.

It's because of these event in my life that I struggle with the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough. I'm always the second choice. Never quite good enough to be made a priority.

Maybe one day, someone, somewhere will change that for me. But that feels so far away.

Somedays I cope with the fee lo ding better than others. Some day I can go for a run, or draw, or mow the grass and feel better after ward. Others I feel enslaved to the depressing thoughts in my mind keeping me a prisoner to my bed and to the blade on my sides.

I'm hurt. Struggling and I fear rejection. Because of that I dont dare to make myself vulnerable to another person again.

[pajnloki]

3 // healing friendships

Okay yeah, I’m obviously glad that it’s finally holidays now and although I have tons of assignments to do I’m still relieved since I don’t feel as stressed as I would during school. 

I should be happy and smiling right now but I’m not and I’m actually wondering for myself why I’m like that. There are so many things that I still need to talk and write about so let’s start: Friends. I love my friends. ALOT. Hella lot. They’re the most precious people in my life and I couldn’t imagine my life without them honestly. I’m still a high school student so lemme explain my situation: We have like a big group of people and its somehow our “squad” but not really? Since not everyone’s close with everyone so it’s more of a really superficial friends-group. But at the beginning of the year and even at the end of last (school) year I reallllly wanted to be friends with them all. When I was in grade 10 (I’m in grade 12 now, my last year.) I only had like 1 friend and we’ve been together since 7th grade. And as much as I dislike the term “best friend” you can sort of see as that to make it easier. And I never needed anyone else. We were always happy. Just us two. But as we entered grade 10 all 4 classes of us got put together and we became one big one where you have like different kids in each class since it depends on which subjects you’ve chosen. Luckily my friend and I we chose the same courses and ended up in a lot of lessons together so nothing really changed for me. But don’t misunderstand. I still had a lot of friends. And especially those from my former class. We weren’t as close and only talked to each other in school and on birthday parties but I still liked them.  When I entered grade 11 a lot of things changed actually. Somehow I became a lot of more open-minded and talked to so many different people. I don’t even know how it happened (maybe because of the impact of discord lol #gamer) but yeah it changed a lot. I made many new friends from the other classes and I think they liked me. We grew closer and I gradually became part of this big group, the one I mentioned in the beginning. It was like the squad in school. Imagine the “cool kids” in all those American teen movies. Kind of like that. And I was happy.. happy to be part of them and I always saw them as so funny and cool to chill with but as I kept on being with them I started to realize that they weren’t as nice as I thought them to be. I was shocked because they were… I’m not sure if the term I’m using to describe them is appropriate but I would label them as “toxic”. Why? As I was part of the clique now I noticed that they were extremely judgmental. They literally judged anybody and everyone: From strangers to even amongst themselves. I was disgusted honestly speaking and couldn’t really understand them since I was never used to that kind of behavior. Another aspect that I want to mention is their extreme rudeness towards each other and others? They weren’t treating each other really nicely but rather were really harsh and not considerate at all. It was weird to me. It was a new environment and I didn’t know how to handle it so I tried to adapt to them. I mean I didn’t change my behavior.. maybe a bit at the beginning but I quickly came back to my senses. But worse was that that one friend that I had since grade 7 was also finding new friends and they also became a squad. I felt left out.. And it hurt but I never told her because I was happy she found other friends as well and was having fun.. she was happy unless me who was dealing with that bunch of rude idiots. It became exhausting over the months and I felt as if 11th grade was extremely stressful and exhausting. At one point I stopped caring because I tried to change them. Every time they gave off a mean comment I told them to stop but they didn’t really listen. Of course I could’ve stopped talking to them and yeah I could’ve tried to find new people but it was hard to just distance myself from them. I was scared. Scared of being left out.. scared of being alone. So I desperately held onto them and I felt how my energy was drained more and more as day after day passed. And I didn’t know whom to talk about it besides that one friend but she was dealing with her own problems and life so bothering her seemed wrong to me. Didn’t really want to become a nuisance. I fell into darkness and it got darker and darker, to the point where light seemed unreachable. I started to talk less and less to my one close friend and I felt like I had nobody. I wasn’t depressed but I always felt gloomy and immediately went to sleep after school just so that I wouldn’t have to be awake and think about all those things. My grades dropped and I started to get anxious in class. Didn’t participate in class anymore which was horrible since in our schools, participating in class is very important and influences the final grade by 50% (in some subjects even 100%). I was hopeless so to say. And I don’t know how but somehow everything started to change after a baking-date. It was a few weeks before this year’s summer break. We had to bring sweets to class and this one classmate and me we decided to bake a cake together. I knew that girl. She was really sweet and she was also in my former class. I liked talking to her but I never felt like I could develop a deeper connection to her. I felt like we wouldn’t really click. But I was wrong. Totally wrong. It was a Saturday morning and I went to hers to bake that cake. And it was tad awkward but sweet. We baked the cake and put it in the oven. While waiting we started talking. Just randomly. Talked about all sort of things: Grades, school, the future and our friends. And I was so surprised because we were on one page and it felt like I’ve been friends with her for years. We both were extremely shocked at how well we fit. Literally two pieces of puzzles. And it all began with a cake. After that I got closer to two others of my former class as well (I was closer to them than the cake-girl but we just started to hang out as a group more) and it was just perfect. We all had the same morals and values and just being together was so healing. A feeling we didn’t really had being with that big group. Because they thought the same just like me. They never approved of that the others were doing and it was like a miracle that we found each other in this pitch black darkness. I was so happy and I still am. They made me enjoy school and hanging out again. They made me feel like being the way I am is okay and it gave a lot of confidence. The confidence I needed. I never lacked confidence or anything like that but it just been a while since I last felt genuinely appreciated and loved. So I wanted to thank you. Thank you for making school a bit less unbearable. Thank you for loving me. And although I may be extremely extra sometimes I still love u very much <3 ly.