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el-gilliath · 4 years ago

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Maybe Forever

I did two remixes this year, and for @rnmremix I took on @daughterofelros and her story Maybe Someday which is about Michael plantsitting Alex’s plants. I turned it around, and this has Alex plantsitting Michael’s plants. I angsted in this, but the ending is still happy. Happy reading!

Ao3

It takes him by surprise when he gets the question, as it’s something he never thought Michael would ever be a fan of. Not because it’s wrong, immoral, strange or anything like that. He just didn’t expect it. Because, you know, it’s... Plants. Green things with foliage and sometimes flowers in all different shapes and sizes. Michael is rough, wild curly hair, motor oil, science and sass. Plants don't seem like something he would enjoy or care about. But here he is, down in Michael’s bunker where plants really shouldn’t thrive. But they are. Thriving, that is. Growing wild and beautiful in what is seemingly organized chaos around Michael’s science equipment and feats of mechanical engineering.

“This is what you want me to watch for you? Plants?” he asks incredulously as he looks around.

“Yeah? Something wrong with plants?”

He can hear the defensiveness in Michael’s tone of voice, and he flinches minutely. “That’s not what I meant, Guerin. I’m just surprised. I didn’t know you had them, especially down here.”

“There's nothing wrong with keeping plants down here you know.”

“I know that,” Alex says, his own tone becoming more defensive. “I’m surprised you have plants, I didn’t know that would interest you. That’s all.”

“I can have hobbies you know,” Michael replies, looking like he’s already regretting asking Alex to water them while he’s gone for a week.

Alex just looks at him, eyebrows lifting at the way Michael is acting, wondering if they can ever be close again without bickering. Michael seems to realize it too, as his posture relaxes with a deep sigh. He’s visibly calming himself down, and Alex can’t help but admire how easily he does it. Especially since he knows it isn’t easy at all for Michael, so used to keeping the charade that keeps him and his family safe up at all times.

“Sorry. I’m being defensive for no damn reason over here.” Michael sighs again, impossibly deeper this time. Like sighing takes deep stress away from him. Maybe it does, for all Alex knows. “My mom kept plants, and could grow them with her powers. I… I wanted to try it too.”

“You’re doing a great job,” Alex says, smiling at him. It’s tentative, but honest. Real. “And I’m sorry too, I was honestly just surprised, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about it.”

“It’s okay.” Michael smiles in return. “So. You think you could be up for it?”

“Yeah, I’ll watch over them. No promises they’ll be alive when you get back though.”

“Nah, you’re Alex Manes. You can do anything.”

The smile on Alex’s face turns wry, probably a bit unsure. It’s not true, in so many ways. But he appreciates what Michael is trying to do. The confidence he’s trying to instill in the face of a task Alex has never had before. Michael knows how uneasy he is when it comes to situations like this. But he’ll power through like he always does. Especially for Michael. And it’s plants. It can’t be that hard.

-----

He quickly finds that he’s wrong. So damned wrong. He has no idea how Michael created a thriving garden in the dark bunker but it quickly becomes apparent that Alex cannot do the same thing. He can water them and trim them if needed but three days into Michael’s week away from Roswell and they’re starting to droop. Sad, missing Michael, drooping. The worst part is he knows how they feel. And his life has officially turned even weirder now that he’s sympathizing with plants. But he can’t help but feel for them, as the flowers lose a little of their shine the longer Michael is away, how the leaves aren’t quite as green. Their person isn’t there anymore. Maybe they’ve given up on Michael coming back.

Kind of like Alex has. Oh, he knows Michael is coming back to town, he’s only in Albuquerque for a week with Isobel. But as the days grow longer the plants still turn sadder.

If he can’t do this one thing for Michael, how can he ever hope to get him back. In the way he wants, in the way it matters. Back in his arms, his life, preferably one day his, or even their, house. After Maria, after Forrest, after his dad.

Realizing he wanted Michael officially back, out, proud and completely took a long time. The knowledge of it not so hard, the need and want harder. They’ve wasted time, so much damn time. And here he is, surrounded by green and yellow and blue, things so important to Michael because his mom was supposedly good at it. And Alex is having the hardest time keeping them alive and well. It’s making him feel like his dad, trapping aliens behind glass walls and torturing them for kicks.

He just wants to do this right. Then maybe, just maybe, he can find the courage within to tell Michael his hopes. But it’s not looking too good. He’s tried everything, watering, giving them lots of light, talking to them, hanging out in the bunker in case it’ll help. But so far it’s not working and the plants just droop more by the hour. Michael coming home is still three days away, they’ll end up being dead if he can’t fix this. And he fears whatever progress they’ve made will die with them.

He’s out of options though, he doesn't know what to try next. He’s not an alien, he doesn’t have powers nor gifts with anything besides guns and computers. Neither which will be handy here. He looks around desperate to find something that can help.

He doesn’t expect to spot a guitar. The same guitar he tried gifting to Michael which failed desperately. The same guitar he regifted him later, after Maria, after Forrest. When death of loved ones and broken hearts weren’t between them. When they could actually call each other friends. Regardless if that friendship was still fraught with tension, a will they or won’t they that still weighs heavily on them. Even when they try to push past it and just be.

But the guitar means much to them. Music in general means much to them. Maybe it’ll help.

He picks it up gently, taking it out of its case with great care before running his hand over it and smiles. The strings have just been changed, Michael has been taking good care of it. Something eases inside of him when he sees that, though he doesn’t quite understand why. The guitar isn’t a symbol of their relationship, Michael making sure the guitar is in tip top shape doesn’t really mean anything. It just means he likes playing. It still brings a tingle to the pit of his stomach which he crushes swiftly and surely. There’s no point in useless hope.

He brings it over to the chair by Michael’s drawing board and sits down, settling it gently on his legs and making sure no pressure is on his prosthesis as he sits with the guitar. He takes a few deep breaths before he strums. Of course the guitar is finely tuned.

He still checks everything before softly starting to play. He’s played Wonderwall a thousand times, he’s sick as hell of it but he still plays it first every time he picks up a guitar. Old habits are hard to break. He plays bits of the melody to warm up, humming alongside it as he does. Five minutes in, he’s relaxed, he’s more settled, he feels good.

He drifts from Wonderwall, eyes closing as he moves over to various songs from Breaking Benjamin, stripped down versions of My Chemical Romance, seamlessly switching to Blink 182, Placebo, Snow Patrol and The Strokes. He loses himself in A Perfect Circle, in Third Eye Blind and The Cranberries, resurfacing after he’s hit Linkin Park, Gavin Degraw, Panic! At the Disco and the odd Spice Girls song just to switch it up.

He lets the last note fall as he breathes out, smiling at the peace he feels just from the instrument in his hands, his voice slightly raspy from singing and the contentment of being wanted and free in Michael’s space. He smiles to himself, taking another deep breath as he opens his eyes again, looking at his watch to find that almost three hours has passed since he started playing. He’s not surprised though, music has always been the place he felt the most free, the most able to be himself.

He takes another deep breath, briefly closing his eyes again as he centers himself before he looks up at the plants. They look the same, but no worse either, so he figures he’s done all he can for the day. He decides to go home for the night, he’ll come back tomorrow and continue trying his best to keep them alive. He doesn’t want to fail now.

———

The shock comes when he gets down the ladder the next evening after a gruelling day at the base. He comes down expecting the plants to be their usual droopy selves but instead he finds them perked up, their foliage nice and green, the flowers shining and pretty. He almost calls out Michael’s name to check if he’s there, but he knows he’s not, having talked to him just an hour earlier. He’s still in Albuquerque, still there for a couple days with Isobel and the newly arrived Max. Just three aliens in the big city, he’d joked, Max hissing at him to keep his voice down in the background while Isobel laughed. They deserve the time away to just be siblings, after everything. But the thrill of Michael calling him still sits in his brain, making him smile.

But there’s still the mystery of the plants. Happier plants. Plants who don’t look like they’re on the brink of giving up. And the only thing he did differently was playing guitar and singing. Maybe that’s how Michael keeps them happy. He decides not to mistrust his instincts the way he usually does and after checking the soil and making sure everything else is okay he gets out the guitar again. He still starts with Wonderwall, still hates it, still can’t break the habit. But he moves along faster than yesterday, switching to other songs of Oasis, moving along to Death Cab for Cutie, The White Stripes, Stereophonics and HIM, before jumping over to Shinedown, Muse, Journey and Creed. He plays for hours like yesterday, loves every minute of it, and feels more relaxed when he opens his eyes again at the end and sees the plants visibly better in front of his eyes.

He laughs to himself, a laugh filled with more desperation and relief than he wants to admit. But it’s okay. Maybe he can do this.

———

He spends hours down in the bunker the next two days, playing everything and anything he has in his repertoire, rediscovering the love he has for the music he grew up with and feeling the thrill of just his hands, his voice and the guitar, surrounded by Michael’s space, Michael’s plants, Michael’s mechanics. He’s surrounded in every way by Michael Guerin, and his own wants, hopes and dreams for the man and what he longs for them to become. He’s spent years away from Roswell and Michael before but now, after one week of him gone, after one week of his voice in his ears as they talk and laugh on the phone until Isobel or Max drags him away, he misses him. Misses everything that they were, everything that they are, everything that they’re heading for. And Alex knows where they’re headed, now. Knows where he wants them to head.

He’s there when he hears Michael’s truck, still playing guitar, strumming along on notes shaping up to be another song, the melody forming underneath his fingers as words form in his head. He doesn’t stop playing, but instead listens as the truck stops and Michael gets out, as his heavy steps move towards the bunker and down the ladder. He opens his eyes as Michael stops, watches him with a smile forming as Michael stares at him and the plants in awe.

“Damn Alex, I’d have stayed home if I knew listening to you play was on the menu.”

Alex snorts, stopping his strumming and placing the guitar back in the case before he gets up on his feet. “It was the only thing I could think of to keep them alive. We had a few dicey days before I started playing, and apparently they liked it.”

“You’re a good player, Alex, no wonder they liked it.”

Alex smiles, taking a step closer to Michael. “Maybe. I’m just glad I got to be here, it’s been fun.”

Michael tilts his head in that inquisitive way of his, but Alex just shakes his head. His revelations and discoveries are too heavy for this moment, he’ll get to them eventually. Michael nods, understanding without needing words that this is something to be left for now. They’re good at that, easy, silent communication. Too bad they kind of suck at the harder communication, but that’s all fixable.

“Hey. Thanks for doing this.”

“Any time, Michael.” Alex looks down for a second. “I’m happy you trusted me with this.”

“I had no doubts you could do it. The doubts were all yours.”

Alex can’t deny that’s true. But here, in the bunker, surrounded by plants and Michael smiling at him in his carefree and relaxed way, Alex feels another doubt snap. And before he lets himself second guess it, he steps forward and cradles Michael’s face in his hands. He sees the look of shock, but also the hope that blooms in Michael’s eyes and pulls him softly towards him in case Michael pulls back. But he doesn’t have to worry, Michael pushes forward as easily as Alex pulls and their lips meet softly. It’s a sweet kiss, a familiar one, but no less exciting with no small amount of fireworks firing in the pit of Alex’s belly as Michael puts his arms around his waist and pulls him closer still. It’s everything Alex wanted, everything he needs, the appreciation and love for Michael flaring as their first kiss in a long time keeps on going.

It turns from sweet to needy, to wanting, to unbelievably hot quickly, but that’s always the way it is with them. They can’t help but want each other in all ways. They both break apart at the same time, moving away from the kiss but not from each other, leaning their foreheads together as they smile and laugh at each other, their happiness bubbling between them. It’s never a question if both of them want it, they already know that. Maybe this time they can have it too.

“So,” Michael says after a while. “My plants decided to try and die on you and you got them back by singing and playing to them? How’s you figure that out?”

“Well.” Alex sneaks another kiss just because he can, a thrill going through him as Michael hums in a happy tone. “I figured you sang to them. You know, since your guitar was down here.”

Michael pulls back and gives him a puzzled look. “Alex, I live in an old airstream in the middle of a junkyard. I keep it down here so it won’t be stolen.”

“Oh,” Alex says. “I didn’t even think of that.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Michael kisses him again. “I’m glad you can afford not to.”

“Guerin-”

“No, Alex. Your life has been shitty enough, be happy you don’t have to worry about that too.”

“How about...” Alex pauses, gathering his courage. “How about you keep it at my place? It’ll be safe there too.”

“Oh yeah?” The smile Michael gives him is blinding, beautiful. Happy. “You wouldn’t mind having me in your space?”

Alex smiles in return. He leans in, kissing Michael dirty and hot, the way both of them want it. ”I definitely wouldn’t. I’ll even take the plants, if you want to.”

He smiles wider as Michael laughs, head thrown back with unruly curls bouncing as he does. They need to talk, figure them out and take it day by day. But he’s so gorgeous, and Alex wants to keep him forever. Him and the green things who are perking up even more in Michael’s presence. And here he thought they were bonding.

“The guitar first. The plants we can talk about down the line,” Michael replies when he finally stops laughing. He tilts his head forward, looking at Alex through long lashes. Alex feels the same want bubbling in his stomach as always. He wants Michael in his bed, in his kitchen, in his living room. He wants him close, he wants them to be good. Together. They have a long way to go still, but it feels like a beginning. It feels like hope.

“I’d like that.”

#roswell new mexico #malex #malex fic #rnmremix2021 #my fic #that feeling when you forget the name of your fic #and give it the incorrect title

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mooooooosicals · 5 years ago

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I know y'all sick of me talking about this show but

If there were to be an Off-Broadway version of TGWDLM

So like I have VERY specific visions for a couple of the songs because I'm just Like That so I'mma describe a couple of them to the best of my ability. This will mainly be describing the set.

*disclaimer: I am an onstage theatre kid, not an offstage theatre kid. So offstage theatre kids have every right to roll their eyes at me and say I don't know what I'm talking about, because honestly I don't*

Okay so first of all because of a supposedly larger budget, bye bye squares and rectangles in the background. In this hypothetical production, we would have actual backdrops that would switch out, and to avoid using too many, use wagons (not the method of transportation wagon, a different kind of wagon, look it up as a theatre term if you don't know what I'm talking about) as well for specific rooms such as Mr. Davidson's office. You could have a city backdrop for pretty much the entire first half of act 1 but have different sets come out like the coffee shop and the office. As we progress to the police scene, a backdrop can come down further downstage because it's a smaller scene, and since it's an alleyway you can have something as simple as a brick wall with graffiti on it . With the bunker, the backdrop will be the same, but different wagons and set pieces will change out because we visit various different rooms in the bunker. For show stopping number, you could have some sort of cool staircase set with the piano being on a platform at the top, just because Hidgens is dramatic. I could go on and on but I want to discuss a couple of specific numbers.

The Opening Number

Okay so I imagine a classic red curtain would greet the audience as they come in to find their seats and wait for the show to begin. The reason for this is because most who haven't seen the show will think this is a show that makes fun of shows, like Something Rotten, The Prom, and Spamalot. True, it is, but it is also a horror comedy with a touch of sci-fi. I think a big part of this show is the shock factor it brings, and the red curtain is a perfect way of tricking people into thinking it's going to be one thing when it's really another.

Next, what's behind the curtain? Well, the first scene does take place in an office, doesn't it? The office set would be behind the curtain, but there would be a dark backdrop covering up the city backdrop so that the opening number can be creepier.

The theme starts playing, maybe because it's a bigger production the show can be a little bit longer so maybe the theme can turn into an entire overture, and then you hear thunder and you see flashes from the lights to represent lightning, and then...

The red curtain rips apart and drops onstage, quickly dragged offstage (kind of like Six The Musical).

There's smoke on the stage because honestly smoke really enhances any scene let's be honest here. You see he infected slowly come out, you could have them crawl out of places where people normally shouldn't be, such as file cabinets. Some could even come through the audience, depending on the type of theater it is. And yeah, the opening number carries on, and during the key change the dark backdrop goes up (it's still dark though), Paul is sitting at his desk in a chair (with his back faced towards the audience because the song is still happening), and as soon as the song is over, the lighting immediately becomes brighter and "normal" and Paul's desk and chair immediately do a 180 so that he's facing the audience.

Not Your Seed

Basically for this number we might wanna consider using smoke again. Just saying. Also the backdrop is further downstage because it's a smaller scene.

The backdrop for this scene could be a brick wall with posters and billboards on it, revealing different Easter eggs because those are fun. There's lockers in front of the wall and a single door in the middle. Alice would come through the door, slowly opening it allowing for a creepy cracking sound. There's blue and red blood everywhere, covering the lockers, the door, the wall, just everything. This is to signal that the infected have already infiltrated the school.

Let It Out

Okay this number is probably the one I've thought about the most (it's my favorite song shdhsjdj leave me alone). So prepare yourselves because there's gonna be A LOTTTTT.

Basically (damn I say that a lot, sorry) the goal here is to be as creepy and unsettling as possible. So are we using a smoke machine in this one? In the words of Hidgens, "you bETTER believe it!"

The stage appears to be completely bare, almost as if there were no production currently playing at this venue (the backdrop is the farthest upstage it can be). However, you notice that you can see the night sky, as a good chunk of the supposed brick wall is missing. This is because... Well.... The theater got hit by a meteor, it wouldn't be exactly in the best shape. There's debris all over the ground, ripped up script pages, broken props, parts of a fallen set. There's blue blood scattered across the stage, and even on the floor and the curtains somehow. Everything is dark except for a single ghost light and the eerie and faint glow of the meteor upstage.

Basically the very theater you're sitting in as an audience member has literally become the Starlight Theater.

Paul enters the theater, perhaps in the back (depending on the size of the theatre). No matter where he enters, it's somewhere you wouldn't expect him to be. He makes his commentary, goes onstage, and then suddenly out of nowhere the ghost light turns off abruptly (if you really wanted to scare the audience, you could have the light bulb pop, a small nod to the well known chandelier drop in Phantom). The lights are almost completely dark, and then suddenly you hear "We've been waiting for you, Paul" and Bill appears with a spotlight shining on him seemingly out of nowhere.

More infected begin to enter, some could even enter in from the audience to either up the humor or the fright. Then the song goes on, yada yada yada, and then the dreaded "neveeeeeeerr!" occurs. Perhaps a cool lighting trick or something could help enhance the switching between Paul and his infected persona that follows after that pivotal moment.

As the song ends, Paul pulls the pin and throws the grenade. You could have some pyrotechnical effect happen to represent the explosion, or maybe some cool lighting and sound effect that happens. And yeah there you go.

If you've read to the end of this, congratulations you have more patience than me. If you don't mind sharing your thoughts on what a bigger stage production of tgwdlm would look like, I would love to hear them!

#starkid #tgwdlm #the guy who didnt like musicals #not your seed #show stopping number #let it out

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 5 years ago

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I'm very excited to read your thoughts on Louis' music video performances!

Thanks anon - it’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride of emotions watching all of Louis’ videos. He was so full of joy, energy and connection in early 1D videos. Then in 2012, when avoiding being read as gay became the imperative, you see him withdrawing and also trying with new performance techniques that just don’t work (the pointing!). He has this way of Performing with a capital ‘P’ that is unreal and distracting. He can’t be hammy without completely disconecting. What’s interesting to me is that he begins to find his way back and gets stronger as a solo music video performer. But there are still aspects of his earliest music video performances that he’s never recaptured. At this point he’s very good at bittersweet or understated joy in his solo music video performances, but the pure joy of the early 1D music videos - he hasn’t really found a way to do.

Two of Us: This is a spectacular performance - there’s no hiding - the entire video rests on it. Louis is incredibly open and vulnerable. But he also brings real light and shade to the video. There’s moments of joy, when he remembers his Mum (1.08) as well as pain.

One Thing: There’s nothing complicated about this performance - it’s just joy, energy, interaction with others, and easy naturalistic movement. But I love it. I particularly love the way Louis adjusts the mic for Niall and then kind of looks over him (and the way Zayn rests his chin on his shoulder) - you get so much a sense of who they are as people and their relationships with this performance. I’m on record for how much I love this music video. And I think part of my reaction is that Louis is so free and easy in it.

Don’t Let it Break Your Heart: What’s really great about this performance is that Louis brings both joy and vulnerability (and my tastes in music video performances are predictable - if I’ve got both of them I’m happy). He’s best when he’s doing something, playing football or in the pub (and he’s good at the most acting-y bits of a heist as well). But right the way through he brings out the emotion of the song. It is this song of having surviving a lot and still being there and really caring about someone - and he captures all of that.

What Makes You Beautiful: They were all such tiny babies on a beach. Louis doesn’t have the shine through the camera thing that Zayn and Harry had from the beginning. You can tell he’s a little bit less used to the camera and it makes a difference. But this has the same free ease, joy, and interaction with each other of One Thing. And Louis in particular, is very focused on the other members of the band, which makes his perofrmance more grounded.

You and I: Two years after One Thing, we have another great music video performance from Louis. He has no problem being vulnerable to camera, and connects in totally naturalistic way. In 2012 and 2013, the differece between Louis in music videos ballads, and other music videos is really noticeable. And I think that shows how difficult it was for him to find a new register to operate in. (Also this is the last time that 1D interacted as a group in a music video. After this they would always be shot singing in a line or a circle, but barely acknowledging that others existed. That didn’t improve Louis’ music video performances. Or anyone else’s).

Miss You: I think Louis’ performance is the strongest part of this video. At the very beginning there’s so much emotion in the regret in the half light. He manages to capture both real joy, and slightly hollow enjoyment in the party scenes (here some of the capital P ‘performance’ aspects that I will criticise further down are used well - as he’s not supposed to be fully enjoying it).

Story of My Life: Louis isn’t in this video much (at times it almost seems that they’re editing around him - particularly at 1.25), but his performance is still really strong. Most of the performances in the concrete bunker have a ‘I’m feeling something important’. But when Louis’ solo he gives it an undercurrent of joy, which works really well with the song. He really gives an emotional range in his performance, both with his grandparents and in the bunker. Watching was a real reminder that Louis’ always had strengths as a music video performer.

Walls: Right at the end Louis sings the line ‘Nothing wakes you up like waking up alone’ in three different scenes - in the fire scene he’s completely vulnerable, but when performing he captures the bittersweetness. There’s a lot in this performance (and of course I’ve bumped it up a few spaces just for the joy in the mask scene), and I think it shows so much of Louis’ strengths as a music video performer - particularly vulnerability and bringing joy to a song. I’m not that into the blankness in the formal wear scenes (although it’s probably intentional I don’t think it adds), but bringing a performance at the end also ups the energy in a way that really works.

Little Things: My bias towards joy in music videos is well documented. Almost every shot that you see Louis in htis video - there’s some element of joy. A lot of that comes from the interaction - he’s laughing with someone else in the video. When he’s singing - he’s OK - again the moments of joy really bring it up (love is joyful) - but it’s not as good as he would be in the future. He was still learning to connect to camera on the slower songs.

Perfect: Louis is pretty joyful for most of Perfect, joyful and naturalistic, which sends it soaring up my rankings. I think it helps that he’s interacting with Liam, but even when he’s alone there’s an easy playfulness. And then they come to perform of the roof and he just loses all of that and he’s back with a ‘Performance’. Twenty seconds from the end and you get a particularly bad example of it and it’s particularly interesting compared to the rest of the video, because it gives you a sense of what specific situations he can’t or doesn’t let himself relax/connect/be vulnerable. Because he’s good in this video, both interacting with people and not interacting with people, in these reasonably naturalistic settings. And it’s only in the admittedly quite bizzarre scenario of five people singing at a roof (without even the structure of an imaginary performance) that he enters into this false hammy register.

Back to You: This isn’t a great performance, but I think it shows how far charm and comfort can get you. It’s so interesting to me that after all these 1D music videos which didn’t bring out his strengths he was like ‘I’ll go to Doncaster and eat in a cafe with my family’. And the video still has a lot of the performance techniques that really brought down Louis’ performances in later 1D videos (the pointing! Acting out lyrics! jumping into a capital P performance mode). But he’s relaxed enough in the video that his charm comes through.

Kill My Mind: It’s hard to assess this performance, because Charlie Lightening is determined to do everything he can to ensure the audience doesn’t sit with Louis’ performance for two seconds together. I think Louis generally does well in music videos when he’s supposed to be making music, with a band and a microphone. And in general this works. There’s also some sweet moments where he connects with the audience. But the shooting style is so uninterested in connection - it does get in hte way.

Steal My Girl: Is Louis trying to look dangerous when Danny De Vito gives him a label? Or is he trying to look confused that anyone called him Dangerous. Because it definitely looks like the second. Given that most of what Louis does in this video is bond with a chimpanzee it’s hard not to be charmed, but I’m not sure that’s a result of the perofrmance.

We Made It: He’s OK in this, not a lot is asked of him. He connects reasonably well in a performance that is meant to be in the background and there are moments of vulnerability. But he could have elevated this performance so much with more range. In general, Louis has often been pretty good at bringing joy to a video - and this is a performance and a song that is crying out for more joy.

Gotta Be You: Why were they so sad in this video? That’s one of the things that makes it fudamentally unappealing (besides the song - and the way Liam scrunches up his trousers). They’re just so sad and serious all the time and why would anyone want to be with them? Louis isn’t bad at it exactly, but he’s not shining through the screen the way Harry and Zayn do occasionally. He’s obviously still learning how to connect with the camera, but he’s mercifully unawkward.

Night Changes: Louis isn’t bad in Night Changes. He’s not super awkward and you’re not worried that he’s a homocidal maniac (the standards are low when it comes to this video). He even connects once or twice (2.10 - you’ve seen it gifed and maybe looking in the mirror). There’s only one moment where he goes full 'I am Performing’ (3.20 - although I get a bit distracted assessing his peroformance once the police arrives. Both because I hate the police, and because it seems pretty telling that the only black person in a sigificant role in a 1D music video is a cop). But ultimately there’s nothing that appealing about his segments - not being awkward isn’t enough. And as usual, Louis’ version of heterosexuality is pretty unappealing. He seems far more iterested in being seen to be a good boyfriend, and his car, than acutally connecting with y/n (although to be fair, he’s more interested than usual in being seen to be a good boyfriend).

Drag Me Down: Oh dear god the pointing! The noticeable difference between this and Perfect, is how much less Louis has anything to do, or anyone to interact with. There’s this very brief moment with Niall, where you see some interaction and it’s so much better. He could always do relaxed interaction - and there are some good bits while he’s driving. But mostly in Drag Me Down Louis is stuck in the limbo of nothing in particular to do, with no solution but to point.

Best Song Ever: Is the beginning of this video the most convincingly heterosexual Louis has ever been? (Both him playing a sleazy executive and then him as him checking Zayn out). It may be, but less unconvincingly heterosexual is not part of my criteria for a good music video performance. His performance in this video is full of all the strategies he developed in 2012 to hold tension (more of that below). I think in the ‘you know/I know’ bit we start to see him learning what else he’s good at. But he’s not quite there yet - he’s not quite connecting - for all his arms are outspread.

Live While You’re Young: It was watching this music video, that I realised that reviewing Louis’ music video performances was much more emotionally charged, even than reviewing Zayn’s. Because you can see when Louis stops moving in a free and easy way, you can see the techniques starts to use to ensure he’s holding tension throughout his body, you can see when ‘don’t be read as gay’ became the first imperative for Louis’ in music videos - over engagement or connection. And it starts here.

Mostly it’s just less - less engaged, less joyful (still quite interactive, but less effective). But then there’s the moments where instead he goes for ‘Performing’ - but with tension all through his body. Right from the video diaries, Louis would go for a hammy, silly performance register (I think often to cover his nerves), and it was fine in a short clip. But Louis’ can’t be hammy and connect - so this doesn’t work in a music video. Rather than being charming, he just looks like he’s trying too hard. You see it particularly towards the end when they’re in the pool. He’s silly in a way that takes you out of the moment and reminds you he’s performing.

Kiss You: And in this video, we get introduced to Louis’ second strategy to hold tension, and that’s a very fake kind of toughness (depending on how you look at it, you could either say it’s short lived, or that he learns to be tough with a little bit of openness). There are still some really lovely moments of joy and interaction in Louis’ performance here. But throughout this video you can see Louis practicing toughness in different and wildly ineffective ways. And none of it works. All of it takes away from the joy and interaction that makes the video work more broadly.

History: So I know this was filmed in 35 minutes, by a group of very burnt out people and having any expectations is absurd. But it’s so bad. And it’s such a good example of the fundamental weakness of later 1D music videos. Who thought having them standing around in a circle singing, not interacting with each other, and also not pretending to perform in a more structured way - was a good idea? (We know who - and the only reason that I’m not saying it was his worst idea is, because his worst idea has a death toll that is still climbing). None of them are good in that environment - it’s the opposite of what makes their early music videos work (and why the very low camera? What is that supposed to add?). Anyway Louis is predictably terrible, and at 0.56 seconds his capital P performing leads to him actig out out the song in a way that makes me wonder if he thinks he’s in the wiggles.

Midnight Memories: His outfit is good. And there’s one moment in 3.05, where you get a glimpse of him reacting to being on Tower Bridge (oh and he’s OK at someone not having fun at the party in the beginning). Apart from that, this video is a combination of the worst of Louis’ music video performace techniques. He swings from fake toughness, to hammy children’s performer and back regularly and neither of them have anything to be said for them.

#Anonymous #Oh Louis #much love #I'll imagine it'll be a while before we get another music video from you #but I am really interested in where you go next #(away from Charlie Lightening!#His shootign styled doesn't bring out your strengths)#would love to hear other people's thoughts

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bunnymcbunnister · 4 years ago

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SPN Season 15 Spoiler Sheet Update 10/19

I put the general spoilers at the end because it was bogging the whole thing down, so if you are looking for those, keep scrolling.

DISCLAIMER: This is gathered info from various sources. This is not confirmed information. Stuff in this WILL be wrong. Don’t take this too seriously. This is for fun. Also, if you use this info for another publication, please let me know as a courtesy. Don’t be a dick. It's all out there, but it hurts to see my same phrasing on other publications after all the work I’ve done to consolidate it…

Episode 15x16

Title: Drag Me Away (From You)

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: FLASHBACK TO A YOUNG SAM AND DEAN – Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) are asked to investigate the murder of a childhood friend, calling them back to a motel from their past and perplexing the brothers with a case they thought was solved a long time ago. Amyn Kaderali directed the episode written by Meghan Fitzmartin (#1516). Original airdate 10/22/2020.

Written by: Megan Fitzmartin

Director: Amyn Kaderali

Filming Dates: 2/6-2/17

Airdate: October 22nd

Photos:https://www.thetvaddict.com/2020/10/16/supernatural-photos-s15e16-drag-me-away-from-you/

Promo: https://youtu.be/ayOy8gEr4wo

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? I’m starting to think no? Jack ? not sure either.

Guest stars: IMDB credits Lisa Berry (Billie/Death) as well as Young Sam, Young Dean and both grown and young Caitlyn

Other Spoilers/info:

Alex got a cast of his face around the filming of this- so this ep or the one after

They filmed at Rooster’s Sunrise Hotel for 3 days/nights

From TVLine- “It worked not only as a case right now, but also as something that informed the journey Sam and Dean have taken, where they started as kids, how they kind of came together and then how that has [led up] to the point that they are, emotionally, when the episode airs. So it ended up being a really good reflection of our guys now, telling a story about our guys then, which, to me, are always the best versions of those types of flashback stories.”

From EW- "We see the case that kind of brought them together as hunters," Dabb says of the episode, "the first case young Sam and young Dean worked together to a conclusion."

Episode 15x17

Title: Unity

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: ONE WAY OR ANOTHER – Dean (Jensen Ackles) hits the road with Jack (Alexander Calvert) who needs to complete a final ritual in the quest to beat Chuck (guest star Rob Benedict). A difference of opinion leaves Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Castiel (Misha Collins) behind looking for answers to questions of their own. Catriona McKenzie directed the episode written by Meredith Glynn (#1517). Original airdate 10/29/2020.

Written by: Meredith Gylnn

Director: Catrion McKenzie

Filming Dates: 2/19-2/28

Airdate: Oct 29th

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? yes Jack ? yes

Guest stars: Rob benedict and Emily Sparrow IMDB credits Robert Wisdom (Uriel)

Other Spoilers/info:

Chuck and Amara trailers were seen on set when filming in a garden

Jensen was in NOLA Friday, possible Monday

“Uriel” was around for filming (Post COVID update: Misha seemed to indicate that this was because the actor was nearby filming? Not sure if this is to cover up the spoiler or the truth)

Alex and Jensen filmed in the impala

Episode 15x18

Title: Despair (it was The Truth at some point I think)

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: RICHARD SPEIGHT, JR. DIRECTS – With the plan in full motion, Sam (Jared Padalecki), Dean (Jensen Ackles), Castiel (Misha Collins) and Jack (Alexander Calvert) fight for the good of the common goal. Richard Speight, Jr. directed the episode written by Robert Berens (#1518). Original airdate 11/5/2020.

Written by: BOBO

Director: Speight

Filming Dates: 3/2--3/11

Airdate: Nov 5th

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? yes Jack ? yes

Guest stars: IMDB credits Billie

Other Spoilers/info:

Misha and Alex filmed near the impala. J2 showed up later that night. This was the source of the “last time they all filmed on set” photo

A really emotional scene was filmed with Misha and Jensen. Jared was definitely not there, but Alex was on the flight they took with Rich, so its possible he was too. This was revealed at a con in which the four of them were on a plane that had an in-flight problem.

Filming watchers saw a bro hug

Tape Ball posted a shot of field that looks like where dean came back from hell

Misha indicated this was his “favorite episode” in a recent interview

From EW- Ackles, having recently done ADR on episode 18, says he had forgotten how "monumental" the hour is.

Episode 15x19

Title: Inherit the Earth

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by: bucklelimg

Director: John Showalter

Filming Dates:: 3/12-3/23/cancelled for COVID and then 8/18-8/27

Airdate: Nov 12th

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? unknown Jack ? yes

Guest stars: Jake Abel (Micheal), Mark Pelligrino (Lucifer)

Other Spoilers/info:

Production shut down as a precaution for coronavirus on 3/13, two days into filming. It is scheduled to start again on Aug 18th.

Jensen indicated there might be some re-writes for this ep to account for COVID protocols.

When they started filming, they indicated they were on day two. So maybe they could only use some of the scenes they shot? Then they added an extra day all called it day 9. COVID protocols makes things take longer

AlCal was definitely on set.

Jake Abel was definitely on set, and he posted an instagram story with his trailer and Lucifer’s (Mark Pelligrino)

Some filming was done at a gas station called Showalter’s (name of the director) with Jared, Jensen, and Alex

Jake “Spoiler King” Abel filmed a video showing chairs for Jared, Jensen, and Alex as well as Rob Benedict (Chuck/God). They were filming near a lake with a mountain view (that looked similar to where Cas died in season 13)

Rob Benedict posted it was his last day in Vancouver, indicating we won't see Chuck past this episode? Or very very briefly in 20? Jake Abel posted a similar message, also baiting fans about Misha’s whereabouts

Scene “28” took several days and seemed to go across both 19 and 20? So they might have done some combo filming?

Episode 15x20

Title: Carry On

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS:

Written by: Dabb

Director: Bob Singer

Filming Dates: 8/28- 9/10

Airdate: November 19th

Photos:

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? maaaaybe? Jack ? maaaaybe?

Guest stars: Jim Beaver

Other Spoilers/info:

Jensen indicated filming would take two weeks, longer than usual (looks like a 9 day shoot, with a day off for Labor Day)

According to Superwiki, 9/3 was the last day on the bunker set, the final days are on location.

Scene “28” took several days and seemed to go across both 19 and 20? So they might have done some combo filming?

Filming locations seemed to include a barn (pic with a stunt guy showed wooden walls and straw) and a lake (not the mountain lake from 19), and a forest. Filming signs spotted at Lower Seymour Conservation Reserve.

Jim Beaver confirmed his appearance on Twitter

There was a pic of J2 with baby on a bridge. Baby had her original plates. They seem to be wearing the same clothes they were in the pilot. There may be grey (??) In their hair, but that could be lighting

Misha posted some creation videos, saying he had been on an impromptu camping trip. He was back in his house. They were posted on the last day of filming and he had pretty decent scruff. He also mentioned that it was the last day of filming and he wasn't up there.

The show officially wrapped at 6:25 on 9/10

Jared said “the last time Sam and Dean see each other is the last time Jared and Jensen film together” but seem to imply that was not the final scene? It was a confusing answer to a question about filming the final scene.

IMDB credits a vampire?

General Info (oldest to newest). This is a blend of pre-COVID and post COVID, so some might change.

Misha will be in 15 out of 20 episodes this season (he’s missed 4 so far. Unclear about 16, 19, and 20).

JaxCon/Vegas Con spoilers:

Misha said the ending was “happier than he expected” but also had some sadness. He later used “sad and redemptive”

Dean says the line “stop killing my people” (to god?)

Jensen said he doesn’t see how the story could continue past this season, but Jared said its more of “a see you later” (in more recent interviews, Dabb seems to shut that down completely)

Al Cal posted a pic of a “thrown away” call sheet that seems to indicate Micheal, Lucifer, and a character named “Betty” interacting in the bunker. Unclear as to the validity, could be from 19 based on casting

Charlie (original flavor) will return

Filming resumed on Aug 18th. Per Canadian policy, they must quarantine for two weeks. Those quarantining seemed to include:

Fairly Clear: Jared, Jensen, Jake Abel (Micheal), Rob Benedict (Chuck/God) Mark Pelligrino (Lucifer), Al Cal (didn't need to quarantine, but he is definitely on set), Jim Beaver (Bobby)

Unclear/Rumored: Misha (he is being deliberately cagey), Osric Chau (Kevin- but likely for another project, he was a week ahead of everyone else)

Reasons Unlikely: Sam Smith (chemo treatment), Kim Rhodes (working at a camp during quarantine), Ruth Connell (posted from Malibu the entire time)

No idea: Shoshannah Stern

Jensen said sp 19 is more of a season finale, while 20 is a series finale. Repeated in interviews/livestreams.

Jensen indicated that the ending did change per COVID protocols. Later interviews confirmed this, but it seemed to indicate the changes were in regards to how many people filmed at once (crowd scenes, recurring characters returning)

Misha is being very, very cagey about where he was. Some live streams seem to indicate he is not at home, but he has yet to confirm- his presence in 19/20 is hard to track. In an interview with Metaverse, he was in bed in a hotel looking space and you could see mountains in the background. He was not on set for the first week of filming, so he could be a week behind.

Misha has thrown around the words “final” and “what he <Misha> would have wanted” per Cas’ ending. “Sad/Proud” and “poignant” were also used. His latest line is “sad but satisfying”

The finale will air Nov 19th in conjunction with an hour long special.

Dabb confirmed to TV line the episode 19/20 explanation Jensen’s mentioned- For the most part, we wrap up a big chunk of our mythology in Episode 19,Episode 20 is more character-based and is more concerned with Sam, Dean and this family they’ve built around them than it is with figuring out the Case of the Week.

When talking about the lightheartedness of returning on ep 14, Dabb said deeply depressing and upsetting episodes are coming (USAToday). He also said we would see “new sides” of Jack, Cas, and Billie. A revisit of Chuck and Amara’s “sibling issues” as well is on tap. Jared said sacrifices are coming.

From TV Line- re the battle with Chuck. Allies will return, but was repeated several times in the article that is comes down to Sam and Dean. Jack will struggle with getting his soul back but will be helped by Cas.

It was confirmed there will be no appearances by mamma and papa Winchester, possible due to COVID. (TVLine).

According to ET there will be lots of “Easter Eggs” in the finale from early episodes. TV Line furthered that by Jared confirming Sam and Dean “in the way they began”

One singular interview asked about Cas and Jack (SyFy) and we got this “Cas has had a very long evolution on this show, but an evolution to an emotionally healthy place, which is generally speaking not something we do a ton. It means someone is at least emotionally healthy on this show.” Jack will be dealing with having a soul and the mistakes he made, particularly Mary.

A trailer was released on 8/27. Scenes included (taken out as shown to save space

A moving speech from Sam to Dean

A teary conversation between Dean and Cas

Injured Dean being helped by Cas in the bunker

Ghost Dean? Little Sam cutting off a hand

Some intermixed scenes from past episodes

https://youtu.be/d5AzUa5zABI

A second trailer was released on 8/31. Scenes included:

A monologue from Billie about god coming to destroy the planet plus her banging on a bunker door (with her hand all gooey) and striking someone with her scythe

Jack continuing his speech about killing god but expanding that he has a ritual to do

Chuck in the bunker/Chuck saying he doesn't believe Sam and Dean can kill him

Young Sam and not ghost Young dean

Dean angrily driving the Impala then saying “its time”

More Dean tears

A surprise appearance from Bobby

Some of the same scenes as before

https://youtu.be/mBTwCWkOFKw

A third trailer was released on 9/24. It was a rehash of the other two, but a new new scenes included: ttps://youtu.be/7oVO9BdADnQ

A Shaving People, Punting Things trailer was released on 10/2. Scenes included:

Dean in a bar with a blond woman

Sam by the mountain lake with facial wounds

Team Free Will 2.0 in a bunker corridor, Jack looking injured (?)

Sam, Dean, and Jack walking down a street/later in a church/in the Impala

Sad Dean in the dungeon/Sad Sam drinking and knocking over a book

Sad Jack and Cas leaning on the Impala

Scattered shot of Sad Sam and Dean (drinking in the bunker, learning against the Impala)

Sam/Donna hug

Dean entering a motel room

Amara looking blissful

Dean giving Sam an encouraging face pat

Billie choking Cas

Sam in Death’s library, hurting

Billie swinging a scythe

Many behind the scenes shots, including one of Felicia Day (Charlie)

https://youtu.be/yex3jbuf8Mo

#supernatural #spn spoilers #spn season 15 #spn 15x16 #spn 15x17 #spn 15x18 #spn 15x19 #spn 15x20 #supernatural spoilers #spoiler sheet

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whateverthedragonswant · 4 years ago

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More proof in the pudding for 15x20 breaking the fourth wall theory

I kind of already discussed this theory on this post here but in going over the last two seasons of GoT to add to this dark!Dany meta I’ve got going, I noticed something that I think is worth taking a look at.

GoT 8x06:

We all remember what happens after this weighted ominous walk of Jon’s.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XhfGY5pIPg&t=254s

“When I was a girl, my brother told me it was made from a thousand swords of Aegon’s fallen enemies. What do a thousand swords look like in the mind of a little girl who can’t count twenty? I imagined a mountain of swords too high to climb. So many fallen enemies, you could only see the soles of Aegon’s feet.” “This is our reason. It has been from the beginning since you were a little boy with a bastard’s name and I was a little girl who couldn’t count to twenty.” “You are my queen, now and always.” -- this is dialogue meant to call back to the Dany the audience has known since season 1 - this was done in an effort to keep her character sympathetic to the end but it’s problematic since she just torched an entire city that held a million innocent people, and it completely negates the true moral of her story - her brother is mentioned who we haven’t seen since season 1, who by all means is not a good influence or a hero in this story but in this last season, she has started to embrace the Targaryen side of things (that we’ve seen reflected in her wardrobe, I see you Michele Clapton, you brilliant woman, you) - the dialogue even invokes season 1 Jon in that one line, though obviously the focus is not on Jon but Dany herself - Jon who had just been acting as the audience mouthpiece in the jail scene with Tyrion (acting as the writers’ mouthpiece - again breaking the 4th wall), saying “You are my queen, now and always”, something the split audience (the ones who felt betrayed by Dany’s dark turn and still stan her to this day) keep saying - yes “now and always” was a common saying in the North, but this wording is purposeful as is this piece of dialogue for essentially what is Dany’s death scene, the most controversial death to come out of this episode, the end of this series I would even argue

15x20:

We all remember Dean’s monologue that took close to 10 mins to happen as he was “fading pretty quick”, so much so that Sam couldn’t call for help

youtube

“There’s a few things that I need you to hear. Come here. Let me look at you. There he is. I am so proud of you, Sam. Do you know that? I’ve always looked up to you. Remember when we were kids, you were so damn smart, you never took any of Dad’s crap. I never knew how you did that. And you’re stronger than me. You always have been. Hey, did I ever tell you that night that, uh, that I came for you when you were at school? You know when Dad hadn’t come back from his hunting trip? The woman in white, that’s right. I must’ve stood outside your dorm for hours because I didn’t know what you would say. I thought you’d tell me to get lost or get dead and I didn’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have you. ‘Cause I was so scared. I was scared. ‘Cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It’s always been you and me.” “I can’t do this alone.” “Yes, you can.” “Well, I don’t want to.” “I love you so much. My baby brother.” -- notice anything...familiar? -- this is dialogue meant to call back to season 1, to the original audience that started out with the brothers in season 1, that may not have stuck with the show for all 15 seasons but maybe ducked back in for the finale just to see how the show chose to end the boys’ stories - John is mentioned who is not a good influence nor a hero in the story which the show has gone out of their way to show time and time again, despite 14x13 - this is the result of one of their dad’s old unfinished hunts from season 1 including the “villain” - Dean mentions events of the first episode when John hasn’t come back from an old hunt, when he goes to get Sam from school, the woman in white being their very first MOTW of the show, even the dialogue from that first episode where the lines are reversed and Dean tells Sam he doesn’t want to do it alone - the dialogue is meant to invoke nostalgia of that pilot and that time, that version of the boys’ stories, where it was Winchester only - Dean’s death (outside of Cas’) is one of the most controversial deaths to happen this episode, even this series (though it has a lot of problematic deaths, i.e. Charlie but I mean in the main character arena) - this was done to keep season 1, specifically the pilot, in the viewers’ minds and as a callback to the beginning of the show, the dialogue was very purposeful, it’s also no coincidence that Sam is the focus here and once Dean is finished telling him goodbye essentially, he looks away behind the camera and talks about how he didn’t think today was going to be the day but it is (which adds to the pudding even more, because this is later season Dean talking who did not want to die on a hunt and wanted something different for himself, season 1 Dean always knew he would die young on a hunt)

And let us not forget this:

Andrew Dabb: “If you thought Game of Thrones was bad, just wait” (x) - this is said in a joking manner but where is it said? Comic Con 2019, the same Comic Con D&D canceled their appearances at & left the cast who did appear to deal with the fallout. This isn’t a man flipping off people and being like “Ha! Crybabies, we’re doing what we want to do and that’s that! Ha!” He said it in a joking manner when he talked about how only 30% of people would be pleased after seeing the finale and Jared joined the conversation. This is the same man who pushed hard along with Bobo Berens for a spinoff that featured women and women of color as well as having proper queer representation but got shut down by the network in the end. The same guy who worked to separate Dean and Sam from their toxic co-dependency and bolstered the found family theme in the narrative, while also taking the baton that Carver started with of Dean and Sam thinking of what they would actually want for their endings, and running with it, developing that even further.

What did GoT have? 2 final seasons as it were. To be fair, season 7 cannot be considered an alternate ending, it had way too many open endings but here (x) it’s stated that D&D did want to end GoT with season 7 initially before being convinced by the network to go to 8. They wanted to move onto other projects (that never happened because they’re egotistical greedy idiots, but I digress) and their rush to end the series showed. HBO wanted 10 seasons but they didn’t want to move forward without D&D. GRRM thought at least 13 seasons would be appropriate.

What did SPN have? 2 finales. 15x19 is not only the finale that closes up the mytharc but also the found family finale. I’m not sure if they knew this ahead of time or found out last second (Misha’s line of “Cas’ ending was supposed to be different but I don’t think we’re supposed to talk about that” still haunts me), but ultimately, that’s how it worked out. 15x19 was for the later season fans, the found family, the mythology fans (meaning Heaven, Hell, angels, nephilim, Lucifer, Jack, etc). That’s why we get the huge montage of characters at the end of the episode, the initials on the table, Dean demanding Cas be brought back in the beginning of the episode and Lucifer’s phone call, Dean and Sam wanting Jack to come back to the bunker but he can’t, Dean and Sam driving off in Baby together with “Running On Empty” playing. 15x20 was the series finale for early season fans, Kripke fans, Winchester-only fans. That’s why there’s no big montage in the beginning of the SERIES FINALE that they had done every season premiere, every season finale, and every mid-season premiere. They didn’t want the found family (yes, including Cas and Jack) in the viewers’ minds. But they couldn’t remove those two characters from the narrative completely (they were too integral later on in the series plus later season fans are watching this too) so they get mentions. This is why the Carry On My Wayward Son twice, Sam married to Blurry Wife and having Dean Jr., the Winchester-only mantle, the MOTW that calls back to one of their big bads (vampires) in season 1 (outside of YED & any demonic forces), why the brothers-only ending. This is why Dean is all ‘Cas who?’, why Eileen disappeared, and why Jack is off shooting a new spot for Architectural Digest. They only wanted Sam and Dean on your minds in 15x20 with the extension of John, Mary, Rufus, Bobby, and Baby with a touch of the Roadhouse in the background. This is also why no pictures of Blurry Wife on the Winchester-only mantle either. This is why Sam’s son was named Dean. This is why after putting on the Party City wig, Sam goes to sit in Baby and cries, thinking of Dean.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: 15x20.👏 Was.👏 A.👏 Vehicle. It’s no coincidence that W*lker was more heavily promoted during 15x20 than any other time before. That what happens in 15x20 for Sam and Dean (and that Sam is once again the focus after having the story split between the brothers for years before) parallels somewhat to what happens in Jared’s new show and his character. This is the same network that uses its shows to backdoor pilots of spinoffs and other shows time and time again (think Green Arrow and The Canaries, Legacies, etc). It’s also no coincidence that W*lker is in the same time slot as SPN had been in, that they intersperse the use of #SPNFamily and #W*lkerFamily on Twitter, that the C*W SPN twitter account is used to steer followers to their other content, that the C*W YouTube account for SPN no longer has any clips or promos available for that show, almost as if it doesn’t exist. You know why? Simple, they don’t want SPN on your minds anymore. They want you watching W*lker and any other new content they are cooking up and throwing at you. Don’t be surprised if they start heavily promoting another new show (besides their returning ones) during W*lker episodes now. That’s just the name of the game, how it works. They already pushed the audience they wanted from 15x20 to W*lker and now SPN is an officially closed chapter for them. Dabb and the actors had other projects to move onto. In their minds, it’s done...until they try to reboot it in some way in a couple of years. And it will not only feature a younger generation of actors but will have what they consider to be appropriate queer representation as well as POC representation in the new cast. It may be the same Winchester story though changed or a whole new story in that universe. You laugh but watch. It’ll happen. This network is not known for its quality or originality, only for their brand. There’s a reason they keep on showrunners to head up new content if their original source of content works and they become “favorites” (i.e Julie Plec).

Ultimately, GoT was referenced many times on SPN, in dialogue between characters whether it applied or not. GoT was mentioned by the actors when discussing watching it, at cons and in interviews. SPN (and Dabb) was very well aware of GoT and what happened with that show. Not only because it was all over the media everywhere, being a pop culture phenomenon that had HUGE backlash, but also because they were there at the Comic Con where the backlash was felt strongest. To the point where even other people mentioned it in their panels (i.e. Seth Rogen). I’m obviously not in Dabb’s head nor was I on set when they filmed the finale or in the writers’ room with J2 and the writers when they pitched the ending so I don’t know. But isn’t it odd that 8x06 of GoT features a scene that has been confirmed by Kit Harington as breaking the 4th wall to speak to/get the viewers’ attention, make them think, and SPN is a show that has featured that same concept (usually in a comedic fashion) time and time again? And in 15x20 they have Robert Singer make an appearance? And the infamous bridge crew shot, J2 talking to you while still in costume as Sam and Dean from that same shot, and the voiceover “And cut” before it cuts to black?

I don’t think we’ll ever really get answers. I think any we get will always be complimentary to the network, or “we can’t talk about it”, or “it was always planned that way”. I’m not saying those people are being less than truthful (and seriously, I don’t blame any of them, it’s PR and they need to protect their careers, feed their families, if you speak out on anything in this universe, something really serious or the tiniest thing, you risk ever getting hired again, you will be blacklisted, it’s not right and it’s certainly not fair, but this is the way this particular business works) but something is not adding up (a lot of somethings actually). I think there was definitely a different ending for Cas, possibly even Jack (meaning he might have made at least one appearance). I do think there may have been a different resolution to Destiel and Saileen (unless they truly planned to keep it ambiguous all along). I don’t know if Dean would have had a different ending, I think he might have at one point as suggested by the narrative during Carver’s and Dabb’s eras, but I’m not sure what their “true ending” was going to be regarding him or Sam. To have Sam be the one that died would have been redundant from Swan Song (5x22) so I doubt they would have gone in that direction. I hate to think it but I don’t think we’ll ever really know. As far as death scenes go, Dean’s death in 9x23 was way more meaningful and impactful for me when he tells Sam that he’s proud of them, than what we got in 15x20. No offense to the guys’ acting or to the boys themselves, but the 9x23 scene was more appropriate imho. And that also leads me to believe that Dean’s manner of death may not have been what they planned all along. But until we get answers (which again I don’t think we will), we’ll never truly know for sure.

As for me, this is just more proof in the pudding. I’m not saying Dabb & Co purposely sabotaged 15x20 at all but I wouldn’t be surprised if they kept the reaction to GoT’s finale in mind at a couple of key points while getting these last two episodes shot. 15x19 was our finale, sad to say. 15x20 was the network’s finale, meant to induce nostalgia and callbacks, bringing the boys’ original fans over to Texas to watch a certain ranger do roundhouse kicks. Sad but true.

#The15YearShow #spn #spn posts #got mention #got and spn parallels #spn 15x20 #who's she #the rancid nutwork #daenerys' death #dean's death #season 1 callbacks parallels #for each

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starsinursa · 6 years ago

Text

When Dean decides to be spontaneous, pushes Castiel against the wall, and hoists his legs up around his waist, his first thought is that he’s made a very serious mistake.

“Son of a bitch, you’re heavy,” he wheezes, staggering just a bit. He presses Castiel’s back more firmly against the wall to hold them steady.

Castiel tightens his thighs around Dean’s hips, hooking his bare feet together in the small of Dean’s back, and huffs.

“I’m not heavy. I’m dense.”

“Yeahhh… not seeing much of a difference there, Cas.”

Dean leans forward to catch his lips, pressing his tongue along to the seam of Castiel’s mouth until he’s rewarded with Castiel parting his lips in a sigh.

There’s a sudden sharp nip at his bottom lip, soothed immediately by the pressure of Castiel’s tongue. “My true size –“

“- is friggin’ huge, yeah, you’ve told me.” He grins against Castiel’s mouth and rolls his hips, pressing forward until Castiel’s chest is warm against his. “No need to overcompensate, Cas. I think you’re plenty big enough as-is.”

Castiel arches against him with a quiet sigh. “That’s not what I – ahhh – meant,” he grumbles. “I meant, since my true size is compressed down into a vessel that’s only a fraction of my original size, this body ends up being unusually dense and heavy.”

“Uh huh.” Dean has Castiel’s earlobe in his mouth and he’s nibbling on it like it’s the tastiest friggin’ thing he’s ever tasted in his life. To be honest, he hasn’t really been listening. He’s distracted. Sue him. “Cool.”

“Just…give me a moment,” Castiel says, although he doesn’t make any move to pull his ear away from Dean’s probing tongue, now sliding up to nip at the curved shell and puff hot breath against his ear. “I’m going to try something.”

“‘kay.”

Dean’s doesn’t even know what he’s agreed to, he’s too busy trailing a line of kisses back down Castiel’s jaw and sucking a mark against his throat – just riiiight above where Castiel’s shirt collar will cover, because sometimes he’s a bit of an asshole and, well, he’s not gonna lie, it’s pretty damn funny whenever when Sam notices a hickey on one of them and turns green in the face, or when a pretty waitress at a diner is eyeing Cas like he should be on the menu, only to notice the hickey on his throat and back off, realizing he’s taken – well, he digresses.

The point is, he’s not paying much attention, but he’s not gone enough not to notice when the weight in his arms lightens, the tension in his shoulders and back easing as some of the burden on his muscles lifts. It’s not a lot, just enough that Castiel feels like he weighs what a normal six-foot, pretty-toned dude should weigh - a dude who isn’t actually an enormous celestial compressed and vacuum-sealed into a considerably smaller container, that is.

Heh. Tupperware angel.

“Is that better?” Castiel shifts, readjusting the way his legs are hooked around Dean’s back.

After a final hard suck, Dean pulls back from Castiel’s neck. He smirks and hefts him experimentally, and it’s perfect – Castiel is still a heavy weight in his arms, solid enough that Dean has to work not to overbalance and his biceps are still flexed as he grips Cas by the backs of the thighs, but it’s perfect because nothing this good should ever be easy and effortless. Castiel’s weight is grounding, solid, but Dean also doesn’t feel like he’s going to slip a disc anymore.

He grins. “Dude. Angel mojo is awesome.”

Castiel kisses him again, sliding their mouths together in a press of warm lips. He tightens his arms around Dean’s neck, pulling him closer and growling “touch me” into Dean’s ear, and really, who is Dean to ignore a request like that?

But something is niggling at him now, insistent, and even though he sort of dreads the answer, he can’t stop himself from asking, kissing it into the stubble of Castiel’s jaw.

“So…it doesn’t ever bother you?”

“What?” Castiel sounds out of it, utterly distracted by Dean’s mouth against his skin, so Dean pulls back just enough to give Castiel some breathing room. Castiel grumbles a protest, shifting impatiently in his arms.

“Does it ever bother you?” Dean repeats. “Being stuck in this…” Vessel? Meat-suit? Is there a politically correct term here? “…body all the time?”

And god, that is just the weirdest thought. He never really forgets that Castiel is more than human – there’s just too much otherness to Castiel to ever allow him to forget. Dean sees it every day in the little things… when he wakes up in the middle of the night and catches a glimpse of Castiel's eyes glowing blue, turned down as he quietly reads a book in the dark; or when Castiel pauses in the garden section of Wal-Mart to brush his fingers over the leaves of a plant wilted in its pot and the leaves slowly flush green with life; or like just now, when Castiel changes the weight of his body between one second and the next, as easily as blinking.

But for the most part, he doesn’t focus on it. He likes Castiel’s weirdness. He likes Castiel, just how he is. Except every now and then, sometimes happens to make him remember that he doesn’t really know too much about Castiel’s actual form. He only knows this. The sterilized version. The trimmed-down version.

And now he can’t get it out of his head.

Dean Winchester, master of inconveniently-timed moral dilemmas.

Castiel growls in frustration, but he tips his head back against the wall and eyes Dean thoughtfully.

“…no, it doesn’t bother me,” he says finally. “This body may have been a borrowed vessel once, but it’s been mine for a very long time now.”

“Well, yeah, but –“

“Dean, I have died in this body. I have bled in this body, slept in this body, hungered in this body…” One of his arms drops from where it’s wrapped around Dean’s shoulders, sliding down Dean’s bare chest to press his palm flat over his heart. “…I have loved in this body. It’s as much a part of me as my true form. Just a different part.”

“Oh.” Dean’s throat works as he swallows. “Okay. Cool.”

Castiel smiles in amusement, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Does that answer your question? Can we return to what we were doing, then?”

He leans forward to kiss him, but Dean jerks his head back.

“Dean,” Castiel growls impatiently, but Dean’s got another burning question.

“Can I see you?”

That seems to surprise Castiel. He blinks, annoyance melting into a wary confusion.

“What?”

“Can I see you? The real you, Cas. Well, all of you,” he amends, since Castiel had just told him that he does consider this body to be the real him. One part of it, at least.

“You really want to do this now?” Castiel asks. He sounds a little exasperated again and he shifts in Dean’s arms, grinding against him.

Dean groans, eyes fluttering, but nods. “Can’t think of any better time, Cas.”

“I can think of several,” Castiel mutters, but finally he nods, “I can’t…actually show you without damaging your eyes –“

Dean stifles a pang of disappointment, but Castiel continues.

“- but perhaps I could…show you an image? A memory, or a representation?”

It’s more than Dean ever thought he was gonna get, so he nods, squeezing the backs of Castiel’s thighs eagerly. “Yeah. Yeah, Cas, whatever you can give me.”

Castiel nods and closes his eyes briefly – almost as if he’s steeling himself. Then he reaches up to Dean’s face, brushing through the hair at the top of his hairline and sliding two fingers down to press against his forehead.

“Whoa, whoa,” Dean says suddenly, alarmed. “We’re not poofing anywhere, right? Cause – y’know, we’re in a bit of a compromising position right now –“

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Of course not. I’m going to show you, like I said.”

“Right, right.” Dean grins and flicks his eyes up to Castiel’s fingers pressed against his forehead. “You gonna mind-meld with me, Cas?”

“My mind to your mind,” Castiel says dryly, and Dean throws his head back and laughs with sudden delight (he knew Star Trek marathon night had been a good idea, even if Sam’s a filthy heathen who prefers The Next Generation).

Dean closes his eyes and waits, but nothing happens. There’s still the feeling of Castiel’s fingertips resting against his forehead, and Castiel’s legs cinched around his hips, and the background hum of wards and sigils and magic marked onto the foundations of the Bunker – but nothing else.

He opens his eyes again, and frowns when he sees Castiel’s face: drawn and anxious, mouth pressed in a serious line.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Castiel squints at him dubiously. “Are you sure you want to do this? You won’t… be frightened, or think differently of me, or –“

“Woah, that’s what you’re scared of?” Dean leans forward so he can press his forehead against Castiel’s. “No friggin’ way, Cas. It’s like you said, this body… it’s just a part of you, and I wanna know you. All of you. No matter what, you’ll always still be you.”

Castiel lets out a quiet sigh, eyes hardening with determination. “Okay.” His fingertips press more firmly against Dean’s forehead again. “Okay.”

This time, an image starts building in Dean’s mind. It’s a strange feeling, like trying to remember a dream he had almost forgotten or searching for a word on the tip of his tongue, but it becomes more distinct as the seconds pass.

It’s…hard to make sense of. Maybe humans aren’t meant to fully comprehend an angel’s true form, but Dean tries.

He gets an impression of enormous size, something so large that he would need to crane his neck and look up and up; and there’s eyes, hundreds of them, every single one focused on him, but they’re the same grace-filled blue as Castiel’s eyes, and they’re fixed on him with so much adoration that Dean can’t even feel self-conscious or uneasy being at the center of so much attention; and there’s wings like nothing he had imagined, black and razor shape, a warrior’s wings.

There’s also fire, spinning in circles like great wreaths of flame. Dean imagines he can almost feel the heat from them, but it doesn’t burn - it’s warm and comforting, illuminating Castiel from within like rays of sunshine filtering through a prism.

Lastly, he gets the impression of a halo, for lack of a better term. He’d give Castiel shit for actually having a halo, but the word seems insufficient – perhaps it should be called an aura, or the rings of a planet, because they all seem to fit. And behind it, Dean can see the glint of stars, their light shining through the halo like millions of diamonds set in a crown.

“Holy shit,” Dean breathes. “Cas, you’re gorgeous.”

He hadn’t realized how tense Castiel had been, stiff and rigid in his arms, until the tension melts out of him, sloughing off like water. His fingers fall away from Dean’s forehead and then Castiel is kissing him again, warm and hard and with just a hint of stubble scraping against Dean’s jaw.

“So are you satisfied now?” Castiel grumbles, but Dean isn’t fooled – not when he can feel Castiel smiling against his lips.

“Never friggin’ better,” he says honestly, and slides his arms around Castiel’s back, running his palms across smooth skin. “Now tell me, Tupperware Angel, what other magic tricks do you have up your sleeves?”

#why am i suddenly writing again #is this the twilight zone #what is happening #destiel #trueform!cas #my writing

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whumptasticwednesday · 6 years ago

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Insult to Injury ft. Dadneto (Peter Maximoff - X-Men)

Author’s Note: Hey, ya’ll. I’ve been burning the midnight oil to get this fic out on time, AKA 2 consecutive nights of staying up till’ 3 am. I’ve had the idea for a Peter-centric Dadneto whump fic for a decent amount of time, and after receiving a lovely anonymous prompt, I decided to incorporate both my idea and theirs. Here we’ve got Peter after the events of Apocalypse, debilitated, and accidentally giving himself a nasty case of salmonella, before Erik comes to help. I’m pretty proud of this one, so I hope you enjoy it! This fic is unedited, sorry, so please let me know if there’s any glaring issues. For my next fic, I’m shifting away from X-Men for a hot sec so I can write a nice Detroit: Become Human whump fic with our favorite android son, Connor. I’ve been super excited about my plot concept, so I’m ecstatic to start writing it. Anyways, I hope you like this one, I worked very hard on it, and I hope you’re all excited for the DBH fic coming soon!

-Ash

Word Count: 6299

Warning: Emeto and decently graphic descriptions of physical illness

Setting: Post-Apocalypse/Pre-Dark Phoenix

If there's anything Peter Maximoff knew in this moment, it was that not being able to do the one thing your body was genetically enhanced to do, sucked. A lot.

It had been only a few days since the X-Mansion had been rebuilt and things all fell back into this synonymous routine as if the entire building hadn't exploded a short while ago. In Peter's opinion, it was all kind of creepy how easy it seemed for these kids to all just go back to learning when their home and school just got eviscerated in a hellfire, but he didn't think much of it.

All he could think about in this moment, was how immensely bored he was. Peter always had something going on with him; he was either thinking about his impending dad-related issues, plotting a prank, or deciding to go off and steal an entire Walmart's worth of Twinkies in the blink of an eye, there was always something.

Yet now, the rest of the X-Men were off with Charles helping cover up heat from the international press by cleaning up all the damage and destruction in Cairo and showing what Charles had dubbed: "diplomacy", which was too huge of a word for Peter to ever use in an everyday sentence; too many letters, and Peter was left back at the mansion since he really couldn't use his powers effectively at the moment, so it would be pretty useless for him to be tagging along.

Peter normally wouldn't have given a damn, maybe even excited at the prospect of being able to rig his friends' rooms with elaborate traps with Jello and staplers or something of the sorts while they weren't around, yet now, when faced with inescapable boredom that followed him wherever his broken leg did (everywhere), he was dying to have anything to do. As the team was suiting up to get on the jet to go back to Cairo, Peter had pathetically hobbled down to the X-Men bunker on his crutches, begging to be taken with. But they'd simply gassed up the plane and flew off, leaving Peter alone, and oh so very bored.

Which brings us to Peter now, attempting to create an omelette with 6 different cheeses, 8 different and poorly-diced peppers, a heaping assortment of minced tomatoes, and a sprinkling of those off-brand fruit snacks that are always better than the on-brand ones for some reason. It wouldn't be a Peter breakfast without some form of sweet, and in his eyes, it stuck to the healthy-ish theme. It had fruit in the name for a reason, didn't it?

The kid always had a massive appetite, and everyone that knew Peter knew this as well. You'd be hard pressed to find him without some snack or form of sustenance in his hand, scarfing it down like there was no tomorrow. It was all a byproduct of his enhanced metabolism. All that energy to run had to come from somewhere, didn't it? Little did he know, this super stomach of his would come to kick him in the ass in a few short hours. But for now, the silver-haired man child of a mutant was limping around the mansion's kitchen making a very... exotic breakfast for dinner meal.

Peter plopped the strange looking (decently gooey) excuse for an omelette into a large plate with some Twinkies and orange juice on the side. As he devoured his dinner, Peter thought anxiously about Erik. It had taken him 10 years to connect the dots, work up the courage, and even think of confronting the man to tell him of his true parentage, yet wimped out at the last minute, leaving the ambiguous: "I'm here for my family too." Peter groaned audibly to himself as his mind once again replayed the events he'd already replayed a million times before. It was embarrassing as all hell. Luckily, nobody that did know told Erik anything, which Peter was very grateful for.

Imagine learning about a woman you left 2 and a half decades ago actually birthing a son you had no idea existed and just now learned of... but not from him, despite several encounters beforehand where he had ample opportunities to do so. It'd make Peter feel like even more of a loser than a 27 year old who still lived in his mother's basement. But, to be fair, Peter was no longer a grown man living with his mom, he was a grown man living in a school where he was many years past the oldest enrolled student, while not teaching a single class; it was a step up from the basement, trust me.

Once finished with his omelette, Peter quickly washed his dishes and made his trek up the small flight of stairs to reach his room on the second floor. Over the past few days, Peter had learned just how high a set of stairs could be, especially when you end up falling down them on several attempts to slide down the handrail (and failing miserably while being laughed at by dozens of impressionable pre-teen children.) What a loser.

After reaching his room, particularly winded from this dinner excursion, Peter was grateful to see that he hadn't unplugged his television from the wall after his embarrassing fall in an attempt to get to the bathroom by himself, without his crutches, or the lights on. A simple recipe for disaster in nearly all circumstances, yet for some reason, the universe held pity for Peter and his debilitated state, and decided to not make his day any worse than it already was.

Peter ultimately decided to entertain himself with a good night-long play session of Pac-Man on his Atari 2600, also still miraculously undamaged from last night's fall. He booted up the inferior version of the game (seriously though, he'd have to get Kurt to help him teleport his arcade cabinet from his basement to the school, playing this one was getting a bit tiring on the eyes.) It sufficed, he thought as the TV harshly flashed on.

Now normally, Peter would have been up all night with his video games and rock music blaring in the background, yet tonight, something (besides his immobile leg) felt really off. Each distinct 'WOMP' from the console as the yellow circle man consumed the dashes and dots felt like a sledgehammer into Peter's eardrums, leaving a resonating ache at the base of his skull. He didn't think much of it and brushed it off, simply turning down his music a notch and backing away from the TV a few inches.

The next confusing sign that something wasn't quite right was the disconcerting shivers wracking his body. A chilly breeze seemed to sweep the room as if the AC was on full blast with the windows open on a November midnight, yet it was July and all the windows were closed and when he went to check if his AC unit was acting up, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. That's whack, Peter thought to himself as he plopped onto his bed, Atari abandoned on the rugged floor.

He didn't know how long he spent staring at the unmoving chandelier hanging lamely from the ceiling, but it felt as if seconds later, the room was not only freezing, but spinning, and suffocating. Everything felt way too close. Peter could feel every fiber of his shirt rubbing against his jacket, the itchy inside of his cast pressing up against the entirety of his right leg, and the presence of his goggles resting on his neck, now seeming like a noose closing in on his throat. He hastily tore off the eyewear and tossed them on his nightstand before deciding to shed his jacket and weakly throwing it across the room. Another move he regretted.

Without the jacket to keep his arms warm, the newfound seemingly frosty atmosphere felt like a icy flurry against his skin. In spite of his mind's confused wishes, Peter ripped the heavy blanket off the end of the bed and closed it around himself like a caterpillar ready to emerge as a butterfly the next time it saw the daylight. Peter sure as hell didn't feel like a caterpillar, but if the feeling of metamorphosis was a growing sense of intense nausea and cramping in the stomach, then hell yeah, he was crushing this butterfly business.

Fuck, what's wrong with me?! He thought to himself as he rolled onto his side. Peter rubbed at his eyes, hoping to clear the dizziness, yet only further irritating them. God damnit, he sighed internally as his face scrunched up in discomfort, releasing one of his hand's hold on the blanket to cradle his aching stomach.

"Is this karma for all that shit I stole when I was younger? That's just mean, man," Peter rasped to nobody in particular. He thought about it more though and responded to his own question, "Then again, I think that's pretty fair. Haha...Shit, man. Never thought I'd say this, but I think... I think I need help."

The sledgehammer-like headache was pounding with every bass drum beat lightly emanating from the sound system Peter hadn't turned off, another move he regretted. He couldn't decide if the pros outweighed the cons: hobbling through the dark to possibly remedy a source of his suffering, but relinquishing his hold on the only thing keeping him from feeling like freezing. Peter played it safe, much to his cranium's dismay.

Peter stared off towards the wall at nothing in particular as he tried oh so hard to draw his mind's focus from how terrible he felt to literally anything else. It wasn't working out so well. And so, Peter laid there, blanket tossed over himself, single leg drawn up to his chest, shivering like a leaf in a rainstorm, as nauseous as a toddler who just rode their first roller coaster, feeling like he was about to cry, and alone. What a miserable way to spend the night.

------

If there's anything Erik Lehnsherr knew in this moment, it was that he was beyond irritated that Charles wasn't at the mansion to run his own school. Despite leaving the school once he'd helped rebuild it to try and seek solitude to wrap his mind around his place in the world and everything that'd happened to him, Erik was back at the mansion once again. He was ready to lay down the foundations for his new mutant hideaway, Genosha, and needed Charles's connections to the government to help smooth over his charges and get clearance to have his isolated society where he might truly find happiness and solace. The universe had spoken, and he obviously wasn't cut out to be a nuclear family kind of guy.

Unbeknownst to him, Erik had once again meandered into a setting with his unrealized son. Also unbeknownst to him, that son was currently cooped up alone in his room, feeling like death.

Erik uncomfortably paced around the mansion, checking Charles's office, the X-Men bunker, and all the other places he might have been, yet the telepath was nowhere to be found. Erik sighed, he knew coming this late was a bargain, one, it turns out, he'd come to lose. The school itself was eerily quiet. It was if the entire mansion was empty or something. Peaceful, yet unsettling for a man who knew nothing but chaos.

Erik was about to borrow a book someone had abandoned in the foyer when he heard the muffled melodies of American rock music echoing from the upstairs floor. It must be that problematic Peter child, Erik thought to himself. From what he told himself was a civil duty to the rest of the sleeping kids in the school (but was actually his own way to cope with his curiosity) Erik decided to check up on the snarky young man to ask if he'd turn down the tunes.

As he approached the door, Erik was bracing himself for something extremely untamed. Perhaps a messy, greasy slophole of a living area, or maybe a drunk and uncontrollably obnoxious man dancing to his music in the nude. You never really knew with Peter, and Erik had come to expect the strangest out of the boy from the few genuine interactions they've had.

Erik gently tapped his knuckles against the door, waiting patiently for a 'come in', or something along the lines of those words, yet it never came. Raising a questioning yet not too surprised eyebrow, Erik knocked again, using slightly harder bangs, not wishing to make a ruckus and wake anyone else in the hallway up. Again, nothing. Although it could have simply boiled down to Peter not hearing him from his loud and abhorrent music, Erik was growing slightly irritated with the lack of a response. So with his last reserves of patience, he knocked one final time, once again listening for a signal or cue to enter. He was met with nothing yet again.

Wondering for the worst and fully expecting to meet a blackout drunk Peter when he opened the door, Erik tentatively jiggled the doorknob, which just so happened to be unlocked, and stepped inside. Thankfully, he was not met with a naked dancing or woefully drunk mutant speedster, but most would probably argue that what he was met with was quite worse. And that being a rancid stench of sick and sour nastiness lingering in the air, a poorly plopped pile of blankets draped over the culprit of the odor, and the culprit himself lying pale and flushed on the floor beside his bed, covered in his own vomit.

Erik's nose crinkled up from being met by the strongly nauseating smell of the room, reaching for the light switch on the wall to aid the sad little table lamp and glow of the TV in illuminating the room. Now he truly saw the pity-worthy situation for what it was. Peter laid in a heap on the ground next to his bed; he'd clearly trying to make it to the en suite bathroom just a few feet away. However, with his dizzy mind and immobile leg, he didn't make it very far and ended up expelling his dinner in a much less... dignified location (if you could consider a toilet bowl a very dignified location), that undignified location being all over his lap and onto his faded Pink Floyd t-shirt.

Not knowing how to really handle the situation, Erik called out a soft, "Peter?" hoping to elicit a response. Yet, just like at the door, he was met with nothing. As he approached the boy, thoughts of anxiety and panic circled through his mind. What would he say to him when he woke up? Would he be uncomfortable with Erik of all people coming to help? Would he be confused? Would he not care? He felt undeniably and inexplicably awkward. Erik shook the thoughts from his conscious as he knelt down to try and meet Peter's face.

"Peter?" he asked again. Erik tentatively reached over to tap the boy's face, which was contorted in a pinched expression of discomfort, marred further by the vomit drying in a trail down his chin.

Once Erik's hand made contact with Peter's cheek, he wanted to retract it. From the split second interaction, Erik had felt the clammy, sweaty, and scorching hot skin and was growing concerned. The slight physical prodding finally made Peter respond.

"Mom?" he asked groggily, voice cracking, "I'll put my dishes in the sink in a minute... I'm tired..."

Erik let out a harsh sigh, bending his neck in an attempt to make eye contact with the boy.

"Peter, I'm not you-" Erik was cut off.

"Yeah yeah... I'm not your maid. I know, Ma. Just... give me five."

"Peter." Erik stated bluntly yet with a hint of unease, unsure if Peter was delirious or just messing with him, "look at me, please."

Peter cracked open his eyes and blearily met Erik's stoic and collected face. He blinked a few times, slowly and deliberately, calculating who was kneeling in front of him, before letting out a weak and wheezy chuckle, "hey there, refrigerator ornament. Wassup?"

Erik rolled his eyes, responding with, "I came to ask you to turn down your atrocious music so you won't wake any of the other children who are trying to sleep. When I came in here, you were passed out on the floor. Would you like to explain to me what happened?"

"Nah... it isn't all too interesting"

"Peter, can you please act like an adult for 2 minutes? Please?"

"Oh man, the Nazi-hunting, president-killing, horseman of the Apocalypse is bustin' out the PLEASES. Look out, world, Lord of the Vacation Souvenirs has a new tactic... MANNERS!"

Peter burst out laughing at his own adolescent joke, ending in a wheezy struggle to catch his own breath. Erik couldn't tell if he was just screwing with him or genuinely needed help. This behavior seemed pretty normal for the immature mutant.

"Look, Peter, I really just need to know if you're okay. Can you answer that simple question, please?"

"Man, your tactics are workin' like a charm. I guess I'll tel-" Peter was cut off by a repulsing gag, hunching over and expelling his stomach's contents... again, this time, however, onto Erik's shirt, quickly travelling in a sad trail down onto his freshly-ironed pants. Peter's bloodshot eyes went side with embarrassment as he quickly transitioned his gaze to the floor.

Erik's face was caught frozen still as his mind caught up with what had just happened. As repulsed as he was, it wasn't like he hadn't seen worse. But that still didn't make the fact that he was just puked on any less disgusting. After audibly exhaling through his nose, Erik once again focused on the miserable man child in front of him, who was now anxiously tapping his fingernails on the hard plaster of his cast, deliberately trying to avoid eye contact.

God damnit, Peter, He thought to himself as he continued tapping, it's bad enough leaving him with a painfully ambiguous response during a battle to save all of humanity, ultimately ruining a perfectly good chance to fess up, but now look what you've done. You fucking threw up on him. Peter felt himself growing smaller as his subconscious shamed him for his uncontrollable bout of illness. It was stupid and ultimately all in his head, but it didn't make him feel any less shit about his situation.

After taking the few quiet seconds, Erik stood up, and whether it was out of pity or some subconscious moral quest, grabbed Peter by the armpits and dragged him to the bathroom.

"W-what the?" Peter asked, confused by the harsh white light of the bathroom and the sudden shift in scenery.

"Well I'm not going to let you sit in your own disgusting clothes. I have standards, you know. Can you undress yourself? I'll get us both some clean clothes."

Peter grunted in response. It meant: yeah, I think I can take off my own clothes, bro... once the room stops spinning. Erik, however, had already up and left, stripping off his own soiled shirt and rifling through Peter's dresser drawers, and taking the opportunity to flick off the television and silence the music that had been awkwardly filling the room's background space up until now.

Peter didn't have much variety in his clothing, dark jeans and band logo t-shirts were most of his dresser's arsenal. Not wishing to be clad in a Metallica shirt for the rest of the night, he dug a bit further into the seemingly endless assortment of shirts till he found a plain white short sleeve, sighing in relief. He grabbed a random shirt from the top of the assortment which just so happened to have the Journey logo on it, and set off to find new pants for the boy.

Back in the bathroom, Peter was still laying slumped against the bathtub, shivering. Everything around him had seemingly slowed to a halt, not unlike when he was running past the speed of sound, but this time deceleration just felt... wrong.

The crashing rhythm of the rock music had come to a halt, yet it didn't cease the incessant throbbing ache in his head, as if the bass riffs and the harsh taps of the snare were on a permanent loop with earbuds permanently glued to his ears. He was trying his best to prevent himself from groaning or whining as to not sound like even more of a child in front of Erik, but honestly, he didn't want his nonexistent father right now, he wanted his mom.

Peter was snapped from his self loathing by Erik's footfalls growing progressively louder as he approached him. Erik had thrown on a pair of track pants and a random white shirt. He was holding a pair of sweatpants and another shirt for Peter so he could be free of his sweat-slick and vomit-covered clothes.

"Hey, you don't get to keep those. I like those pants," Peter stated sarcastically, still trying to put up a front, although he was unsure why. He'd needed help, it was painfully obvious, so why was he still pushing his father away? Resentment? Anger? Pride? No... fear.

"Arms up," Erik instructed, preparing to take Peter's shirt off for him.

"Yo, you know I'm not a toddler, right? I can take off my own god damn shirt."

"You sure don't act like you're a day older than one, and I don't wanna risk you accidentally suffocating getting stuck in your own clothing so... arms up."

Peter sighed and did as he was told. Erik swiftly peeled the top off the boy and felt around his back, finding it clammy and warm. As if he'd just went from the tropics to Antarctica, the shirt leaving his skin exposed his skin to a whole new level of cold. The sensation ripped through his spine as his teeth started chattering. Hoping Erik had a brain underneath that skull, Peter was (im)patiently waiting for the man to save him from the frosty winds of his newly installed Arctic bathroom and slip the new shirt over him already. However, much to Peter's dismay, Erik turned on the tub's faucet, soaking a hand towel in cold water before leaning over and placing it on Peter's exposed back.

The second the frigid cloth made contact with his skin, Peter recoiled, back arching backwards, arms frantically bending to try and remove it. Erik sighed, slightly out of pity, and continued holding it down.

"Is this some cruel punishment? What did I do?" Peter pleaded, hoping to distract himself from crying by use of humor.

"You're scorching and sticky and it's just disgusting. I'm cooling you down, so relax," Erik explained. "It'll be a few more seconds, I just needed to get all the sweat off of you."

And as quickly as it had begun, the endeavor was over and Erik was threading Peter's strikingly pale and flimsy arms through the shirt holes. Peter audibly sighed, feeling like he'd just spent an hour in an industrial freezer and was now back into a normal temperature.

Erik's eyes drifted to Peter's legs, immediately noticing a flaw in his plan. How was he going to change Peter's pants with that full leg cast?

"Peter, how do you typically change your pants considering your current... situation?" Erik asked.

"It's pretty simple. I don't," Peter replied bluntly.

"W-what?"

"Well, after I got my leg set a few days ago, I changed into jeans, not wanting to be in flight suit pants for the next week of my life, and I haven't swapped since. It's like, physically impossible."

"So... you've been wearing the same (disgustingly dirty) pants all week?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Hank says I should be grateful that it'll heal in a couple days, most people you'd find passed out on their floor covered in vomit with a full leg cast would have been wearing their nasty pants for weeks."

Erik sighed, tossing Peter's soiled shirt and the sweatpants back into the bedroom before meeting his gaze.

"Alright, Peter, I'm going to set you up in bed now."

"Sounds grea-" Peter was once again, clamping his hand over his mouth, pathetically dragging himself over to the toilet to prevent throwing up all over himself again.

Erik saw his distress and lifted the toilet lid and seat, prompting Peter to start heaving into the sad and dreary porcelain bowl. Each dry or productive heave sent another pulsing wave of pain and violent nausea from his stomach to seemingly every conceivable inch of his body in a viscous cycle of suffering. Erik could do nothing but watch as the silver-haired boy wretched in agony, each heave causing his breath to hitch, caught in his throat, as another bout of sick rushed up past his lips, crashing into the toilet bowl.

Erik wanted to reach over and rub Peter's back or offer a semblance of physical comfort for the anguish he must have been feeling. He'd often do this for his daughter, Nina, whenever she had a stomach bug. Erik reached out his hand, only to quickly retract it, shaking haunting thoughts from his mind. This boy was not his child, and in no way would he ever come close to being Nina. What was he thinking?

Guilt quickly overtook the memories as Peter finished his session of sickness. He sagged limply against the side of the toilet, face still partially hidden by the rim of the bowl. When he looked up at Erik, he looked awful. Beyond awful.

Red-rimmed eyes, clearly there as Peter attempted to stop the obvious tears from spilling over, met cool yet collected ones, the former's being full of pain, not just from this embarrassment or the physical turmoil he'd just endured, but something else. Erik knew those eyes. He knew them because for so long, they were the ones he'd stared at in the mirror, day after day, for years, until he'd found Charles, only to come face to face again with those demonized eyes in the form of an immature mutant puking his guts out on his bathroom floor. They were the eyes of a young man who was lost, feeling alone, hiding a part of themselves they wanted to let go, to set free, so they could truly be happy, yet he couldn't possibly decipher what could be internally destroying the boy.

"I-I'm sorry you had to watch that..." Peter said softly as his head lolled over.

"It's fine," Erik replied with a tone to match that of Peter's.

"I'm pretty sure... that I'm done. For now?" It came out as more of a question, but at this point, Peter wasn't trusting any signal his body was sending him. Every impulse had been smudged and cloudy in his mind, and paired with the seemingly endless headache and the relentless chills racking his body from the fever, Peter was sure that if his mind were a computer hard drive, it would have self destructed out of a deadly virus slowly hacking into the hardware.

But alas, Peter was no computer, and so he was stuck with this mystery illness, cooped up in his room, unable to run, with Erik mother-hecking Lehnsherr. His fever-addled mind was barely functioning at this point, so he didn't register anything but dizzying blurred images swirling around his head and slightly-grumbled voice swimming in his ears as Erik scooped the kid up like a newlywed bride and carried him off to bed.

Peter had never been more grateful to grace the comfort of his duvet, ready to sleep. He halfheartedly grabbed at it in an attempt to cover himself and finally warm up. Erik sighed with pity, grabbing it for him and draping it over his shoulders before moving over to stand by the nightstand and awkwardly watching Peter try and get comfortable.

Despite the obvious fact that his body wanted him to sleep, Peter's mind was racing everywhere except the realm of unconsciousness. Every thought was emphasized ten-fold as it bounced around his head until the only things remaining were his want, heck, his need, to tell Erik the truth, and the hesitant and unsure anxiety lingering in the background of his subconscious that was stopping him from doing just that.

Fevers, though, as Peter was quickly learning, tended to do weird shit to what your brain was really trying to accomplish, often scrambling any message you tried to expel to the point where it may or may not have even been your true intentions. And hell, it was an even bigger gamble if you'd remember any of the dumb shit you'd done or said. It was as if the heat had boiled all the potentially embarrassing memories away, which was at least kinda nice.

With everything happening, Peter thought it best for Erik to just pack up and scoot from the premises, as not to accidentally say or do something stupid that might come back to bite him in the ass later, but Peter wasn't about to pull an asshole move on the man who'd just helped him despite not being obligated to at all.

So, instead of verbally asking, Peter did the next most "mature" thing he could have in his debilitated and helpless situation. He pretended to be asleep in a pathetic hope that Erik would leave on his own. He didn't. Peter ended up looking like he was trying way too hard to be asleep than any real asleep person, and after a few minutes, Erik caught on.

"Peter, I know you're not actually sleeping," Erik said, not putting on any sort of specific emotion.

Peter cracked one red and tired eye open, meeting Erik's gaze yet again. Peter sighed and turned over onto his side, back to the other man, bleary eyes trying to focus on anything that wasn't Erik. Sleep, a seemingly effortless task for most, eluded Peter as he let out an a low whine. This was miserable.

"Hey, Erik?"

"Yes?"

"I umm... never mind..."

"What were you going to say?"

"It's nothing... I just feel stupid since I can't even do the easiest thing on the planet."

"Is there anything I can do?"

The question struck Peter like a cold dagger to the heart, it sounded so much like something his mom would say, who was practically the only person he wanted in that moment. Peter didn't like to be weak or expose any of his fears. He preferred to be distant and reserved, to hide all that insecurity with stupid dry humor and sarcasm. His mom and his sisters were really the only ones who he'd truly been open with, and when faced with these new circumstances, finally able to reconnect with the father he never had, he was frozen in place, and after pushing people away and closing himself off for so long, not knowing what to do to reach out and truly face what he needed to.

Completely internally and externally overwhelmed, Peter let his dam of pride burst, letting his emotional flood pour out of his eyes in the form of earnest, choked sobs. He bit his lip and weakly rubbed at his eyes in an attempt to hide his distress.

Erik was taken aback, taking a step towards him, before backpedaling as fast as the initial paternal instinct had seized him. He didn't know what to do. Erik was conflicted, scared of overstepping boundaries, but wholeheartedly wanting to comfort the clearly suffering boy lying in bed in front of him.

And in a flash of instinct, an unspoken, deep-rooted, yet unknown draw towards the silver-haired boy, Erik sat down on the mattress, back meeting Peter's, and leaning over his shoulder to rub his back

Erik's hand was shaky, unsure if it should truly be there. He felt the heat radiating off Peter's skin through his t-shirt. Erik glanced down further to Peter's face, and despite the hands trying (and failing) to cover his eyes, saw it covered in a new sheen of sweat quickly mixing with his tears, pale and pasty with angry crimson patches sitting pretty as pictures on his cheeks and forehead. Everything in that moment accentuated both how awfully awkward Erik and truly terrible Peter felt.

Erik didn't even know if Peter was lucid anymore. He was breaking down into tears, shivering and being comforted by someone who was practically a stranger. Eventually, the sobs dwindled into whimpers and Erik's nerves were starting to taper off himself. The room fell into a weirdly calm silence as the two decided to not say anything. Until Peter's shaky voice cut through the room.

"Y-you know... when I was a dumb little kid, I thought I-I could outrun germs. Look at me now. I can't even cook a f-freakin' omelette without making myself sick... I never needed to cook for myself, it was always my mom, or Hostess cakes."

"..." Erik wanted to say something, anything, but he was unsure what, or if Peter would understand.

"I can't do anything right... life tosses me chances and I just fuck em' all up."

Erik soon realized Peter was no longer talking about his omelette, but something deeper.

"I just wish... you could've d-done this for me when I was still that dumb little kid. I wish for so much to be different. I'd always wanted a d-dad, and when I finally figured out who he was, I learn he'd gone off to kill the president! I-I don't know..."

"W-what?"

"I m-might not be able to outrun germs, but my entire l-life, I've outrun everything. The law, my responsibilities, adulthood... But now, the one time when I finally can't run from anything, out of all of my problems, I gotta face you of all things. N-not the way I thought this would happen..." Peter's words died out as he fell silent.

Erik wasn't sure he'd heard Peter properly. Until something in his mind clicked. Everything he's done up until now: "my mom once knew a guy who could do that..." and "I'm here for my family too..." Oh my god, he thought, I'm... I-I'm Peter's... father? Who else had he been with before his wife... Magda. Oh god.

Erik pulled his hand away from Peter's back. This caused Peter to moan and flip onto his back, staring directly at Erik, eyes cutting straight to his heart like knives.

"W-why'd you stop? It was nice..." Peter admitted shyly.

"I-I need a second, Peter. I'm sorry," Erik sighed as he pushed himself off the mattress.

Peter said nothing as his eyes drifted back to his bedspread. Disappointment lurking behind his bloodshot irises.

Erik walked off to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a soft click. He stared up at himself in the mirror, hands gripped tightly around the basin. This couldn't be happening. Not after Nina, not again. Erik was just... terrified. Terrified of the idea of getting close again. Anyone who's ever been a part of Erik's family... had died. His parents, his wife, his daughter; he didn't want Peter to join the list of people the universe was just deemed to kill. He knew that Peter was far from dying, it was a simple fact that the kid couldn't cook and he'd fed himself something underdone. Yet, it was all happening, it was all too fast, and everything felt so damn scary.

He knew, deep down, that this was the truth. It only made sense that the Magda didn't wanna tell her son that his dad was an internationally targeted terrorist that's murdered dozens of people, and this kid had no reasons to lie about it. God... Erik didn't know how to feel, what he should do, but he did know that had a need to comfort Peter, who'd just confessed a secret he'd been hiding for who knows how long, and was now laying alone, probably feeling abandoned again, after pouring his heart out knowing full well it might be shot down.

Whether it was all intentional was yet to be seen. Again, fevers did weird shit.

Erik let out a low sigh and opened the door, finding Peter curled up on himself as best he could, softly whining, mumbling incoherently to himself. Erik stepped over and sat down on the bed again, the entire mattress dipping from his weight.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I am very happy you told me..." Erik was searching for the right words, "the truth."

" 'r welc'm" Peter mumbled as his puffy eyelids slid over his tired brown eyes.

"Is there anything you need me to do for you right now?"

"J'st... stay please. I-It's embarassin', I know, but I just... my mom used to do it..."

"Alright, Peter. I'm not gonna leave, so just try to sleep, okay?"

Peter didn't need to be told twice as his mind and body worked in harmony, finally allowing Peter to be lulled off to the realm of unconsciousness. And although he knew it wasn't necessary, Erik wished to add to the intimacy of this quiet moment, a type of moment so rare and inconstant in both of their lives, so he pushed himself up against the headboard, laying out flat on the bed, and carded his fingers into Peter's silky silver locks. And out of habit, maybe a sort of tendency he'd developed from doing it with Nina, or an obligation to share what he felt Peter deserved, he began to hum his family lullaby, ever so slowly and softly, drowning out any other thing the world wanted to toss at them. Because in that moment... Erik and Peter had found something they'd both been missing for so long, peacefulness and contentment. And for that short night, it was all they needed.

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austencello · 6 years ago

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You have saved this City - Arrow Music Notes 7x22

The season finale concludes the conflict between Oliver and Emiko, the young Team Arrow saves the city in the future finishing with a beautiful and heartbreaking time with Oliver, Felicity, and baby Mia before Oliver leaves to save the universe.

Emiko and Oliver - breaking the cycle

After stopping the bioweapon virus from completely wrecking the city as well as as escaping the police who believed the team was responsible for the terroist attack, Oliver and Emiko have a final confrontation in Palmer Tech, the former Queen Consolidated. Emiko’s strings, percussion and alarm-like electronic sound plays as Oliver arrives: “I’ve been waiting for you.” As they face off, violins play a slow version of the Arrow theme and hammered dulcimer joins in as Oliver tells her that he was angry at her for letting their father die and sending him on a path that included so many losses. The Arrow string patterns and her string and brass motif alternates as they fight each other. His hero horn theme plays as he tells her that her allegiance to the 9th circle killed her mother as did her hatred for their father. He admits that their father drove her away as a faster version of “I forgot who I was” (1x05) plays in the strings and then he tells her that together they can be better. “I forgot who I was” is the theme for Oliver and his family: Moira, Thea, William and Emiko. It speaks to the lies and consequences that gave them so much heartbreak but also of the deep love and loyalty Oliver has to his family. There is nothing more important to him than that. This theme played in 7x10 as he discovered that his father had another family with Emiko. Even after Emiko tried to kill him several times, determined to take down the Queen family legacy, he is determined to give her one more chance to redeem herself and turn away from hatred and vengeance, just as he was given that chance.

The 9th circle shows up to kill Oliver and Emiko chooses to fight with him instead of against him. In the process, she is wounded and as she dies, she apologizes with the background of guitar harmonics (an instrument of Oliver’s since the pilot) admitting that she wanted to be a Queen. He couldn't save her physically but she did have a change of heart, warning him to keep his family safe from the 9th circle. Oliver’s hero theme plays once more as he escapes the exploding building.

The future legacy

In the future, all the new team members are surrounded by Zeta soldiers and it looks bleak until one of them (Connor) gives Mia a knife and then she fights back as the her electric guitar Blackstar theme plays (first introduced in 7x08). Meanwhile, Zoe saves Rene and William as Dinah’s Canary theme plays. This is either because Zoe’s is not firmly established or because Zoe is steeping into Dinah’s shoes as the next leader of the Canaries for the new generation. This seems to fit with the theme of legacy that is present throughout the whole season but especially in this episode as the mantle is passed down.

As the whole team gathers to figure out how to stop Archer and bring the wall down, music from 7x16 (as William and Mia were looking for a tape recorder in black market underground) plays as Felicity mentions that she may have erased Mia from the Archer system giving them an advantage to defeating it.

One of the brilliant editing and storytelling moments was the going back and forth between Oliver and Emiko’s fight (especially with the 9th circle) and then with the younger team Arrow (William, Mia, Zoe, and Connor) as they blow up the wall. One of the challenges that was well executed was the music going back and forth between the scenes. The future music sounds have been well established (including string patterns alternating half-steps) as well as Oliver’s fighting music so it was always clear musically as well as visually which story was being told. As Mia fought on the wall, horn played with string patterns underneath, a heroic sound clearly tying parallels between herself and her father. This horn theme mirrors Oliver’s 2nd hero theme (going down instead up) but Mia’s uses a 4th instead of a 5th making it her own. Similar but unique.

Another music parallel was using her main theme slower in the high piano for a vulnerable moment as she told William to take care of their mom, believing that she might die before pressing the detonator. Oliver’s main theme is used in the same way throughout the series so it is a beautiful way of using her main theme which seems brash and fierce in the electric guitar into a quiet, intimate moment in the piano. Like Oliver, family (and Felicity) is the most important thing to Mia. Then the full guitar and violin Blackstar theme plays as she fights her way out and zip-lines her way off the building. (This season nicely established all the necessary music themes needed for next season or a spin-off if they choose to go that route).

The older team passes on the torch to the new team to protect the city and Felicity brings William and Mia to Oliver’s grave to say goodbye, wanting to be all together one last time. As she does so, the opening strings from “Everyone left” (5x02) plays. It is a theme of loss and goodbyes, first when Oliver felt like he had pushed everyone away except Felicity and now as Felicity recognizes that William and Mia no longer needs her protection and says goodbye. Mia and William still want her in their lives but she tells them that she promised Oliver that she would protect them until they didn’t need her anymore and she believes that that day has come. As she shares this and they talk about missing Oliver, harp (Felicity’s instrument) plays as she tells them how proud Oliver would be of them. Her love for both Oliver and her children kept her strong throughout the 20 years apart. Oliver’s hero themes play in the violin as Felicity tells them how much she loves them and charges them to take of each other. Oliver’s heroism is carried through Felicity and their kids: “He lives on in the two of you.” Piano (Oliver’s instrument) plays as they hug and the camera moves over to Oliver’s grave stone alongside his electronic Arrow slide.

(Picture from telltaletv.com Arrow review)

The End of an Era

The team rejoices in saving the city in the present day and then Oliver and Felicity tell them that they are leaving the city, his legacy being the team, leaving the city in good hands. His Arrow theme plays in the horn and low strings as he shares that he thought his legacy would be saving the city but was in fact the team. Hammered dulcimer begins to play as he says that he started his crusade alone and he thought he would end it alone but that every bit of success was due to the team being alongside him with their courage, compassion, selflessness and loyalty (the 4 admirable traits/pillars of heroism in Oliver that Tommy pointed out in the previous episode). Hammered dulcimer was used in the pilot as Oliver looked at his scars and set up the Foundry alone and has accompanied him on his journey to being a fully fleshed out hero; from being closed off and singleminded to trusting others: Diggle, Felicity, Roy and many others throughout the years. His team reflects the best part of himself and the violins take over the slow version of the Arrow theme as he shares this and they talk about creating the Mark of Four. The horns take over and low strings play a repeating pattern building up the music as Diggle mentions that it feels like an end of a era, the music resembling “Not Black or White”(4x23) in feel, paralleling looking over the masks and uniforms together.

Oliver stands in the middle looking over the bunker as Felicity joins him asking if he had second thoughts while clarinet plays. This instrument is rarely used for the two of them but was used in the previous episode when Alena asked Felicity what she was willing to do differently to keep their baby safe. It is the sound of a new beginning for their family. Diggle comes over and tells them that they are leaving behind a cycle and legacy of heroes who will fight for the city with every fiber of their being as Oliver’s hero horn plays 2 in a expanded theme. The closing of the bunker is accompanied by the classic Arrow title music as the lights shut down focusing on Oliver’s face.

Oliver, Felicity and Diggle arrive at their new home as clarinet and violins play the Olicity theme “The one I love” (2x23). The clarinet adds a new dimension to their family, the culmination of their love and joy for their baby girl as they tell Diggle about her. Lower strings play Oliver’s second hero theme as Diggle mentions that now that the city is in good hands, they can focus on their family. The first time this theme played was in 1x14, the episode when Felicity became part of the team, joining Oliver and Diggle. It is fitting to have that play with the three of them once again at the end of the team and moving on, having completed their mission.

The music then transitions to “Being Happy” (1x07) as they say goodbye to Diggle, have a cabin honeymoon looking out over the stars, the birth of Mia and then walking through the yard, with Oliver lifting Mia up. Using this theme brings several moments back such as 2x06 with Diggle thanking Oliver for helping bring back Lyla: “you had my back.” Now, Diggle has their backs as he helps establish their new home, always a part of their family. But even more importantly, it brings back a conversation with Tommy in 1x17 when Oliver tells him that lying to the people closest to him was hard but he was wrong to think he could be both the vigilante and be open with people around him. Tommy told him that if he is alone, he’ll never be happy and Oliver responded that being happy wasn’t what was important. Oliver never imagined that he would live past his mission let alone be worthy of happiness. But now he is blissfully happy thanks to the love of his life and the daughter they share which is emphasized by the violins and horn playing a version of the Olicity theme as he holds baby Mia as he sleeps. Oliver is happy and at peace.

Then the Monitor shows up to collect Oliver from the deal he made in the crossover to save the universe. As the scene flashes back to their conversation, the Monitor’s violin theme plays and the added choir makes the moment epic in scale as he gives Oliver the option to maintain the balance to save Kara and Barry by agreeing to help the multiverse to survive when it is time. Strings and brass play as the scene returns to present day and a timpani roll leads into the news that the Monitor has seen Oliver die in the upcoming Crisis. A repeated electronic note (reminded me of Chariots of Fire) accompanies the horns and strings as Felicity tries to stop it asking why it always has to be Oliver. The repeated note gives a sense of inevitability, no way to stop what is to come.

The episode ends with Ruelle’s song “The other side” giving the season a bookend of Ruelle songs as the season opened with one of her songs, as Felicity and Oliver were separated by a long prison sentence, following Oliver’s lonely and repetitive journey in prison. Now, the lyrics match the goodbye Oliver has to say to Felicity and Mia, heartbroken and unsure that he will ever come back. Felicity promises to come find him and 20 years later, the Monitor takes her to find him.

I don't want to know who we are without each other It's just too hard I don't want to leave here without you I don't want to lose part of me Will I recover? That broken piece, let it go and unleash all the feelings I don't want to know what it's like to live without you Don't want to know the other side of a world without you

I don't want to know I don't want to know

Extra Notes

- I cried a lot with this episode. And then again in writing this review. It was beautiful and heart-breaking. While I realize there are 10 more episodes, this felt like a series finale. The rest almost feels like an epilogue to a grand tale of a man who became a hero, who deeply loves his family and his city, who fell in love and grew to accept that he was worthy of happiness.

- My deep dive into Arrow’s music was through Felicity after Season 3. I wrote a brief thing on Oliver and a little more on Diggle but then I recorded every bit of her music through the first 3 seasons which inspired me to keep writing and analyzing the individual episodes, 4x01 until now. I loved discovering the use of harp and that her last scene in the official score used that. I love the Olicity theme with it]s numerous iterations and have even recorded cello and piano versions of it. While I hope that it will appear in the last 10 episodes, I also love that it was played twice as Oliver, Felicity and Mia had a bit of happiness together. I am going to miss Felicity greatly.

- For some reason, my account cannot find any Mia or future gifs. It’s weird.

- Sorry for the month delay. My life has been crazy (sister’s wedding, cello recital, etc.)!

- I have one or two Arrow music projects I am hoping to accomplish this summer. I’ll keep you posted!

@smoakmonster @ah-maa-zing @academyofshipping @herskirtsarentthatshort @almondblossomme @dmichellewrites @jorahandal @dust2dust34 @scu11y22 @mel-loves-all @green-arrows-of-karamel

#arrow 7x22 #olicity #oliver queen #arrow music notes #felicity smoak #emiko queen #mia smoak #john diggle

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arcticficialbanana · 6 years ago

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Revealing

Pairing: BiFemale!Reader x Jack SPN

Word Count: 11,449 (I know, but I am so proud of it)

Warnings: Tiny angst, medium fluff.

A/N: Request from my most loyal reader @draiela about the song Saturn by Sleeping at Last “i just got an urge from listening to the song and a path of self acceptance ive been on lately with being myself around myself and others if that makes sense.. [the request was a whole conversation, so I copied the main story point]

Your name: submit What is this?

“Could I ask you to help me out?” you finally break the silence after walking with Jack for nearly a mile around the park.

“What do you need?” he asks very seriously, forming a knot in his forehead.

“I’m taking this photography class.” You motion a fake camera with your fingers and close one eye to look at the trees along the path.

“What’s this?” he says as he leans in to inspect the arrangement of your fingers.

You turn to him suddenly and flick your finger in a mock-snapshot, making a clicking noise with your tongue.

He moves back defensively and his eyes widen at your hands, making you giggle and drop them to your sides. He always lightens your mood when you need it most.

“I just need a few hours of your time to take some photos. Play around with lighting and backgrounds.” you see a bench up ahead and make your way over to sit down.

“It’s no big deal, but it can get creepy with a stranger with all of the staring and I don’t want them to think I’m going to make a wall of their face or something.” you kick your feet in front of you, swinging them back and forth underneath the bench.

“I don’t know why you would make a wall of someone’s face.” Jack screws up his eyebrows as though he is bewildered by your statement.

“Exactly. I don’t want them to think I’m a lunatic.” You give an awkward and toothy smile.

“I don’t understand what you need me to do?” Jack says with concern.

“Not much actually, I just know it won’t be weird with you. The assignment is this before and after photo, where one person is shown in two very different images.” you wave your hands around to different parts of an imaginary storyboard of ideas you see.

Jack nods wordlessly with a tight lips and a clenched jaw. You aren’t looking directly at him, but you know he’s trying to figure something out in his head. After Dean yelled at him for having too many questions he’s been holding a lot of it in, until he can’t take it anymore and he practically explodes with words.

“Let’s go get my camera and we can take version one now. I was thinking just the way you are would be a really good starting point.” You slip off the bench.

Jack nods his head, mulling something over silently.

You side glance at him, catching his sharp yet soft features. He’s a perfect subject for the assignment. How can such contrasting details in his face blend perfectly into...Jack? Smooth, curving lips. Flawless, baby soft skin. Delicate, neatly arranged hair. Yet also... the straight, rigid lines that make up his jaw. His pointed noise and piercing eyes. He is such a...swan. Poised and picturesque while also being dangerous and strong.

You feel a whoosh against your face and brush right past Castiel in the library, reaching for an Enochian history. You quickly look over your shoulder and notice Cas is inspecting you, making you feel uneasy. You continue down the hall and shake it off; the residual chills running through you.

Jack walks in with you and grabs a box sitting on your dresser, “Is this it?” he holds it in his fingers the way you positioned yours before, mimicking a camera.

He taps on it with his index finger to see if it will click.

You turn as you adjust the camera strap on your neck and suck in your lip to keep from laughing. You walk over and grab the box of tampons and throw them in a dresser drawer, “No, I found it,” you point at the device around your neck and shut the drawer.

You replaced his empty hands with a case of filter lenses and walked out of the room, “Carry that!” you shout, knowing he might try to put it in the dresser as well.

As you pass through the library once more Cas isn’t around anymore and the rest of the bunker is empty. Perfect. This is the place for the before photo.

“Tell me how the caged bird sings, Jack.” you stop in the front room, where most of the ‘family time’ happens lately. Ironically, the war room will show his softer side through contrast.

You peek through the viewfinder and aim at your cinnamon roll. He has his mouth hanging open but again no sound comes out.

“Argh.” You lower the camera. He takes a breath in and closes his mouth.

“Come here,” you pat on the table and he walks up to the edge of a chair, “No, Jack, come up here.” You insistently tap your finger on the map covered in little utensils of measurement. “But,” Jack starts to protest, and not finding any viable reason not to crawl onto the table, pulls himself on top. You clear the way a little bit, so he doesn’t learn the pain of tiny trinkets stabbing in unwanted places. A whole different kind of torture. “Why here?” he asks, probably trying to recall a time he saw Dean or Sam standing on a table that wasn’t during a fight. “Well,” you come around the other side of him, dragging your hand along the edges of the map, “This is meant to plan fighting strategies, and uses of weapons...” you pick up a couple of toy soldiers and tap their heads together, “But it’s so colorful. It looks more like a children’s game.” “Like Risk?” Jack says, scanning the board and no doubt recognizing the similarities. “Exactly like Risk.” You frown and toss the soldiers aside.

You look through the viewfinder again, then let it down to hang by your stomach. You lean over the table, closer to Jack, allowing the camera to sway slowly back and forth. “It’s just so mismatched like you. War and games, Jack.” you place a hand on either side of his face, tilting his head up and watching him watch you. “Color and killing.” you mumble after you let go of him to hoist yourself up onto the table.

You hover above him, making sure to get several different outlines of bright countries surrounding him inside the frame. “Look at me.” you start snapping some test shots through the camera, “Good, now look at the ceiling above me.” you notice a muscle in his neck, elongated and had the sudden urge to brush it with your finger. But you didn’t. That would be weird, right? Jack turns his eyes from the ceiling back to you. He waits for you to say something, but is clearly picking up on your stupid thoughts. You feel your face burn a little bit and start rambling a little bit, “Okay, close your eyes.”

He shuts them obediently.

“So..what’s going on with you?” you divert the silent subject, and he opens his eyes to furrow his brows at you, “No, keep them closed. And relax your face.” you continue directing him wordlessly with your hands as you chatter, “I mean, are you feeling okay?” “I am not unwell.” he says with a hint of suspicion in his voice. No. Not suspicion. Jack isn’t capable of suspicion in his sweet, trusting state. Maybe it was more confusion. “You’ve been trying to say something all day, Jack. I can see it on your face.” you counter, while moving his head around in different directions. “I ...I’ve been trying not to-” he says in a restrained, twisted voice, “I am trying to learn the right time to speak and the right time to ask.” he chooses carefully.

You drop the camera to your belly and frown at him. Sweet boy, what are you talking about. “Is this because of Dean?” you wrinkle your forehead and make a mental note to punch him in the back of the neck next time you see that jerk. “No, don’t-” Jack pipes up, seeing your signature aggravation spawning, “I just want to be more...” he searches for the words. But you see it written all over his look. Normal. Useful. Independent. Undemanding.

“Oh, Jack.” you sit down and grab his hand, calloused and covered in tiny scratches from training. “I love you so much, do you know that?” “I care about you more than anybody in the universe.” you are sure to look him in the eyes this time, rubbing your thumb over the smoothing tiny scratches, never bound to become scars due to his healing. “More than Dean, more than Sam, more than anybody, Jack.” he watches your fingers intertwine with his, “I cannot think of a more perfect and special person in the universe.” you say, heart beating hard with pain as you think about the internal conflicts he’s struggled through.

“You.” he says.

Immediately your face flushes with heat and you freeze in surprise. “I-” you look for sounds to come out of your mouth but you only end up stuttering silence.

You let go of his hand and swing your legs to the other side of the table, “Hold on, I’ve got something for you.” You hop off and jog up the couple of steps, camera smacking from one side of your ribcage to another as you wind through the halls to the kitchen.

You stop in the doorway, holding the frame to brace yourself as you catch your breath. A trickle of sweat runs down your forehead and you blink, trying to remember why you came here. You look around and see a box on a shelf, “Ah, yes.” you exhale and run your hand from from your brow to the crown of your head. Weird. You feel chill, despite the blood pumping through you from the impromptu jogging. You rip open the box and reach your hand in to snag a couple of candy bars you had Sam get on the last shopping run. You jam them into your pockets and turn to walk back to the War Room. Normal speed. You look through the carousel of photographs you’ve taken and feel like you just haven’t captured his innocence correctly. I mean, how can someone just SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? you scream inside your head. You start clicking more ferociously through the photos until you reach back to the first one. You let out a slow breath and calm down before arriving at the table.

Jack sits there, hands wrapped around his knees loosely, awaiting further instructions. You smile subconsciously and he lights up at the end of a wrapper sticking out of your bulging pockets. “Is that for me?” He is suddenly rigid, awaiting your approval.

“Yeah, thanks for helping, Jack.” you toss him one of the bars and pure glee washes over him as he secures the catch.

You begin pulling out the second bar for yourself, but in seeing him washed over in joy you rasp to yourself, “That’s it!”

You snatch the camera up and start snapping away, crawling onto the table without pausing your shoot.

You wake up early, unable to shake the feeling that something is bothering Jack. You rub your eyes with the back of your hand and stare at the ceiling. Was he diverting the conversation so I wouldn’t ask him about it? You wonder up at the darkness. No, that isn’t like Jack. He’s doesn’t calculate. You’re just projecting your mistrust of other people onto him. One of your favorite traits about Jack is his inability to speak dishonestly. He is straightforward and open, while also being so accepting and understanding of anything you ever tell him.

You decide to check in on him, although you were sure it was just before dawn. You slip some socks on and walk over to Jack’s room.

You rap lightly on the door, and turn the handle gently so it doesn’t make a noise.

“Y/N?” he says, sitting peacefully against his headboard.

“Right.” you close the door behind you, “I forget sometimes that you don’t sleep.”

“Sometimes. I sleep a little amount.” he shrugs.

“Do you mind if I lay with you?” you point at the bed.

“I don’t mind.” he says, allowing you to walk over and lay down on top of the sheets.

“Are you going to lay down?” you chuckle as he continues to sit against the headboard.

“Sure.” he says and adjusts himself into the laying position.

“What am I supposed to do?” he asks, looking at the ceiling.

“Nothing, just relax.” you turn on your side and watch his face in the darkness.

After acknowledging with an, “Okay.” he lays there silently as though you aren’t there.

“Do you mind if I lay my head on your chest?” you wait for his approval, and with his, “I don’t mind.” you nuzzle closer to him, moving his arm around you and laying your head on his warm skin. You hear his heart beating, steadily with a rhythm like a bass drum. You imagine that your heart sounds like a piano, and together they almost make a musician’s band. You hum an imaginary tune of a violin to your fantasy band and the vibrations from your throat ring against Jack’s ribcage and sound in your ear.

A short while later you open your eyes and realize you must have fallen asleep, your arm wrapped around Jack’s chest like a ribbon. You peel your arm away carefully and retract it to your body, curling it in closely. Your hand was still warm from where it rested on his delicate ribcage. You tuck your hand under your cheek while you wait for your eyes to adjust to the darkness. Slowly, Jack’s face comes into focus. He’s asleep. You think in surprise. It’s really amazing, but in all of this time you’ve never seen him asleep. But unlike other people, hunters don’t look calm when they sleep. Even in their dreams they are battling, and on the verge of rushing out of sleep at the slightest sign of danger in the waking world.

“I’m here.” you try to whisper to his subconscious, hoping that the crease between his brows will subside at the sound of your voice. Maybe you were connected. Maybe he needed you. Then you would feel like somebody in this world needed you.

You move your limbs slowly, the way you would approach a target to catch them by surprise. You thanked the Men of Letters for making the bed frames from sturdy wood, crafted with care so as not to squeak when moving around. You close the door behind you with a snail’s pace, like a game of ‘Don’t wake Jack’.

“That’s new.” Dean mumbles into his coffee mug as he passes you in the hallway. You nearly jump out of your skin and praise yourself for having already carefully latched the doorknob into place.

“Shut up.” you snarl at Dean and swiftly rush toward the bathroom.

After a refreshing shower and other preparing for the day you think about telling Jack your part 2 plan for the photographs.

You run one last brush through your hair for good measure and go across the hall to Jack’s room. The door was open, so you walk right into a scene you were not expecting.

Cas was sitting on one side of the room, Dean was standing by the bed on the other side of the room, and in the middle was Jack - laying the way you’d left him this morning.

“What’s going on?” you speak up so Dean and the others turn to you.

“Ah, Y/N.” Dean brings his hands together making a dull ‘clap’, “I was just explaining the birds and the bees to Jack, here.” he motions at the bed.

“What?” You growl, half shock and half confusion. Castiel and Jack share your confusion and turn simultaneously to Dean.

“You know, about protection and all that.” Dean winks at you.

“You idiot - it’s not what you think.” You begin to defend.

Jack and Castiel speak at the same time, talking over one another at Dean, but Dean cuts them off and turns back to Jack, “I’m just kidding. I was telling Jack that Cas and I are going to run some monster errands if you know what I mean, and Sammy is going to stay behind to research any lore he can to help us out.”

“There were no birds or bees.” Castiel clarified, “I believe it’s a black aggie.”

“Eh, I think it’s just a statue, but we’ve gotta check it out.” Dean interjects.

“Like Doctor Who?” you smirk and Dean screws his face up at you, “Why are you speaking gibberish to me?”

He knocks on Jack’s headboard, “Anyway,” he starts walking toward the door, “We’re out of here.” you step out of his way before he barrels through you, seeing as he takes up most of the doorway.

“He didn’t say anything about protection.” Jack says as you stand there in silence, listening for the guys to get out of the hallway.

“Does he want us to help Sam research about protection from the statue?” he asks.

“Nah,” you lean into the hallway for good measure, “Get dressed, we’re going to develop my photos.”

“Okay. Will I need any weapons?” he asks.

You lean back into the room, “What?” you look at his serous face, “No. I’ve made a dark room to process the photos I took on the camera into physical pictures.” you explain as you walk over to his closet.

“Here, wear this, it doesn’t matter.” you throw a hanger at him and toss him some jeans.

“Okay.” he says and you walk out of the room, “Meet me in the kitchen, I’m grabbing some coffee.”

He nods and you walk off to prep your first cup of the day.

A few minutes later he walks in and you take his arm to direct him to a mostly empty storage room where you’d set up black out curtains in a corner. You push past the thick fabric and reveal some red lights illuminating a clothes line and trays of liquid on a couple of tables.

“I want you to know that what we are about to talk about is for ONLY YOU to hear!” you emphasize, drawing in a hard breath as you prepare to let out a river of secrets.

Jack looks around and nods at you triumphantly, “Yes, I am the only one in the room.”

You roll your eyes but don’t want to defeat his accomplishment right now. “Okay...but Jack,” you lay your hands on the table and press your fingertips into it nervously, “this is meant ONLY FOR YOU. Don’t tell anybody what we talk about today.” you bore into him with your eyes awaiting his acknowledgement. “Alright, I won’t tell anybody.” he says. You release the long breath building up inside you and begin to move around the photo making supplies. “Jack do you know what it means when someone is straight?” you avoid eye contact with him as you pour measured amounts of chemicals into vats. “Doesn’t it mean they are standing or laying down? If they are straight they make a line-” “No Jack,” you cut him off, “let me put it this way... do you know what it means if someone is gay?”

Jack ponders silently and you gnaw on the inside of your cheek nervously. What was most likely four seconds felt like minutes later, Jack says “No, I do not think I know what that means.” You continue fiddling with prints and bottles and trays as you think about how to approach this subject. Like a child, Jack is questioning and open to learn. Unfortunately, you are uncomfortable and awkward and wish you could just transfer him your knowledge instead of having to explain anything.

Wait. Why are you awkward around Jack? It’s Jack. You feel your muscles slowly relax and you cleanse yourself with a fresh breath.

You turn to look at him and smile immediately, as he always makes you feel giddy when you look directly at him.

“Well, straight people like someone of a different gender. Gay people like someone of the same gender.” As you say it out loud it sounds both stupid and also simple and not entirely a good explanation. Jack’s face seems to agree with your assessment that this is not an adequate explanation. “So...if Sam were gay he might like Cas...” you say, although you’re not sure if angels have specific genders and what the identity dynamics were based on what body an angel is currently occupying or had previously occupied. Before you can drift too off track Jack hums, “So when Dean will talk to a lady when we get dinner, he is straight?”

“Um..” you repeat back to yourself what he said and slowly nod at him, “Although I’m not sure why you qualified when he does that...but yeah that would make him straight.” you scratch your head and wonder if Jack might be on to something with a ‘when’ qualifier. Now that you’ve explained the basic zero or one scale, you think about how to show him more of a spectrum scale. You rake your teeth against your bottom lip as you clip the last print to drip dry on a hanging line. You reach for your mug and as you tip it to your face nothing touches your lips. You realize it’s time for a refill so you push through the curtains and hear Jack following behind you. Trying to form the words together for the next part of your explanation prove more difficult than you initially pictured for this conversation.

“I don’t know what I am.” Jack says, making you nearly drop the coffee pot into the sink.

“Erm.. well...you know someone can be more than just gay or straight.” You internally cringe as you’ve never said the words gay or straight so many times in your life before this conversation.

“What if they like everybody?” Jack asks matter of factly, putting so simply into words what you are overcomplicating.

Yeah, what if. You think as you take a sip of the mug, nearly spitting it out immediately. “The coffee’s burnt.” you pour it down the drain and stick your tongue out at Jack. “Come on, let’s get some coffee outside.” you rinse the mug and lay it in the rack to dry. It’s a perfect opportunity after all to introduce him to someone special.

As you walk out the kitchen you fidget nervously. Excitedly. You can’t stand it and take Jack’s hand unapologetically, as holding him usually calms you down. Jack, your sweet bug, doesn’t say anything weird in response.

“Before I forget let me explain my concept for the second photo.” you swing your hand back and forth, taking Jack’s hand for a ride along.

“Does your beard grow?” you peek at his jawline, clean and smooth and pale skinned.

Jack leads his free hand up to his face where he notices you inspecting his chin. “You mean my face hair?” he rubs his fingers along the edges of his face, down his neckline. A tiny chill runs through you.

“Mhmm.” you murmur acknowledgement as cool air brushes your cheeks in a rush with the door opening.

“Sam showed me how to shave a long time ago. Since I don’t sleep much I usually groom myself while everyone else is sleeping.” his warm hand encloses yours like a mitten.

“I wish I had that power.” you scoff, thinking of all the priming you could do in the wasted hours of sleep. No wonder he always looks so perfect. But how can you have such flawless skin and no dark circles without beauty sleep?

“What power?” Jack touches his face suddenly, and as you peek at him his inquisition is plastered all over his face. You giggle as you imagine him wondering if facial hair growth is a super power. Ugh. You internally groan and wish you had the power not to grow hair.

“Actually, I just want you to let it grow for a little bit, okay? Once I feel it’s right we can take pictures.” You notice some stones lined up in a row ahead and walk over them, using Jack as your balance point. “I think we need to go shopping too. I’ll get you some other clothes for my idea.” you step off the last stone and realize Jack was raising his other arm - mirroring your balancing act. You sigh a relieved, happy breath, feeling so blessed that somehow Jack was brought into your life. “You’re my best friend Jack.” you smile, “I can’t imagine my life without you.” and of course he is unabashed.

“Well you’ve been with me my entire life.” he says, “So I actually cannot imagine it without you either.”

You smile to yourself and walk quietly the rest of the way until you reach the coffee shop.

“Here it is...” you gulp softly before opening the glass door to walk through, “Coffee.” Jack walks through with you and steps to the side of the door as some people behind you try to escape the cool weather. He looks at you as you continue to stand there by the entrance and follows your gaze to the front counter. “Yeah, it’s just coffee.” you nod toward the counter, “No big deal. Let’s just go get the ...coffee.” you rub your hands together, realizing they’re colder and at some point you must have dropped Jack’s hand. “Does she have the coffee?” Jack looks from you to the girl at the counter, “I don’t understand, why do you keep staring at her?”

“SSHHH-shhut up.” you hiss, “Just follow me, Jack.” you walk up to the counter just as someone finishes their order.

Her hair frames her face like a picture. Her eyes are piercing yet soft. She reminds you of someone, soft and bold simultaneously. She’s writing something down on a notepad by the register and her free hand tucks her hair behind her ear. You can just imagine taking her photo in a field of daisies.

You shudder yourself out of your imagination. Whaaat. You shake your head and feel Jack’s presence hovering to your side. Stop being so..hover-y. You tap your fingers on the counter, unintentionally making the girl look up at you.

“Sorry, just a moment.” she says quickly as she scribbles more rapidly.

“No! That wasn’t- I don’t mind waiting for you.” You shove your hand in your pocket, “Actually that sounded condescending haha..” you chuckle nervously. “I just had a song stuck in my head.” you cover up with a shrug as you rock back and forth on your heels. She places the pen down with a clack! and smiles at you tiredly, “How can I help you?” “Looks like you need a coffee.” you chuckle again, feeling cheesy as hell. “Yeah, I wish.” she rolls her eyes, fluttering her lashes like a butterfly. “Well, can I order you one?” you ask sheepishly. Without missing a beat she smiles and gives a little laugh, “Nah, thanks. I get them for free, I just have to wait for my break.” She subconsciously glances over at the clock on the wall. “Oh, cool.” you say lamely and lean on one leg to stop yourself from rocking compulsively.

Her hair shimmers as it blows strands around her face. Jack turns around to see someone walked through the door and queued up in line behind you. “So...what can I get you?” She asks, pulling you away from images of wind blowing through her hair as you ride a bike together or a sailboat or a convertible. “Right.” A blush creeps up your neck and you place a five dollar bill on the counter, “Just a hot coffee, to go.” “Coming right up!” she takes the cash and clacks on her register, making a little song of bells as she gathers your change. You start to walk away and say over your shoulder, “Keep it!” and hide behind the receiving counter with Jack.

“So you like her?” Jack asks in what was probably a normal voice, but sounded to you like he was speaking through a megaphone. “SHHH!” you punch him in the chest and look over his shoulder to make sure she didn’t hear him. She was taking the order of the next customer, oblivious to your tiny crisis. “I...I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about her. Sometimes.” you fumble through your words, unsure of what you want to tell Jack. “I think you either like her or want to take pictures of her, right?” he asks, making you stare at him dumbfounded for a few moments. “Don’t say it like that, it sounds creepy.” you gape at him feeling like he hit the nail on the head. “I don’t know, maybe both?” you say and peek over the counter, watching as she goes back to scribbling on her pad.

She glances up and you avert your eyes, pretending to inspect a printed painting on the wall with much interest. Jack looks from you to the girl behind the counter to the painting in confusion. “Why are you looking at this picture?” he asks. “I’m not.” you say through clenched teeth. Jack furrows his brows in distress and looks closer at you and makes sure that you are, indeed looking at the painting. “It looks as though you are looking at the picture.” he says with a strained voice and you groan, a tiny bit annoyed at his constant narration of your situation.

You peek out of the corner of your eye at the counter and she’s back to writing on her notepad. You release a tight breath and turn to stick a finger into Jack’s chest.

“It’s complicated!” you say assuredly, as though that was that.

A barista saved you as he calls out, “Y/N?” at the receiving counter and places a paper cup down in front of you. You snatch it up and walk to an inconspicuous corner table with a couple of armchairs. You plant yourself down, motioning for Jack to join you in the chair next to you.

“Oh shoot, sorry Jack. Did you want something?” you ask snapping out of your haze, “Sorry I’ve been so focused...” you trail off as he stares at you wordlessly, “on coffee...” you finish and you can hear your inner monologue rolling her eyes and saying Yeah, on coffee.

“Yes, I’ll go get a drink.” he says and stands up suddenly.

You shrug as he walks away and try to hide behind your paper cup unsuccessfully as you watch her again. This isn’t creepy at all. You think to yourself. I’m just sitting here drinking this cup of coffee I ordered. You nod to yourself in agreement. Because the coffee at home was burnt. You concluded. Yes, there was no other choice. Well it wasn’t that bad, and you probably could have made another cup, but you quickly shut your inner thoughts up. No, that’s not the point. I didn’t have time to make another pot. Well, maybe you had time. Then, I just didn’t feel like it. Yeah, I’m lazy. You satisfy yourself with a reason to come here and spend $5 on probably 20 cents worth of brewed beans.

Wait... you see Jack gesturing with his hands. What is he doing? You watch the girl laugh and nod her head. WhaT IS HE SAYING?? You grip your coffee cup until it bends into the shape of your grasp. He points to your corner and your heart stops. You aren’t sure if you should sink into the floor or seem super cool like you don’t notice them at all. She looks over at your table and you decide to smile and wave sheepishly. She nods and Jack walks back to you.

“What. The. Frack.” Your eyes widen at Jack as he casually sits down.

He smiles at you and folds his hands in his lap.

“Umm... WHat dID YOu SAy.” you ask in a very broken and raspy voice.

“I said I’m not sure what drink I want. She told me she usually gets a plain hot coffee and I said that’s what you got too. Then she said you’re in here all of the time but she’s never seen me. I told her you took me out here to take pictures for a class and she said she would love to see how the pictures turn out, and she said she can bring my coffee over to our table.” He recounted to you.

Your jaw was slack as you processed the entire conversation.

What does that mean? Does she like me? Does she like Jack? Is she going to come kick us out and tell me to stop stalking her? Am I way overthinking this and she was just having polite conversation and is just going to bring Jack’s coffee to us?

Your mind races a mile a minute.

You close your mouth and look at Jack in utter amazement. He looks quite pleased with himself.

“I don’t even know what to say to you right now.” You slam back in the leathery chair and lift the cup to your face with mixed emotions. Secret joy? Anger? Flurries?

You lift the cup all the way over your face, but nothing comes out. Damn.

“What was the point of taking it to go if you drank the entire cup here?” Jack asks pointedly.

“I know. I don’t need you bringing your logic into this.” You grumble.

You watch her walk up with another steaming paper cup and you sit up straighter in the chair.

“Hey Y/N!” she says and you blink in surprise that she knows your name.

“So Jack here tells me you are a photographer?” She smiles as she hands the cup to Jack.

“Oh, I’m just taking a class.” You glance down at your lap.

“That’s really cool! I wish I could do something other than make a coffee.” She groans.

“That’s really important!” you pep up in your seat, making her giggle.

“What are you doing on that notepad?” Jack asks out of seemingly nowhere.

“Oh,” she brings her hand to her cheek, partially covering her face in embarrassment, “That’s just some story writing ideas.” she says.

“Woah.” Escapes your lips without warning, “I just assumed you were writing down orders or something.” You look at Jack in surprise, impressed that he noticed such a thing.

“You draw too, right?” he asks, taking her by surprise just as much.

“I ...doodle. Sometimes it helps me with the writing ideas.” she says.

“That’s so cool.” you breath.

She waves a hand dismissively, “You don’t even know what it looks like, it’s garbage.”

“Don’t say that. Even if you’re drawing just for yourself, it’s brave of you to express yourself that way.” you spew out of your mouth without any control whatsoever.

For a moment she looks at you in wonder, but a bell at the front door brings her attention back to her job. “Hey, do you want a refill? On me.” she winks.

“Sure.” you nod automatically.

She takes a look at your paper cup, crushed under your grip of stress, “Um.. I’ll get you a new one.” she turns to walk away and you stare as she floats away.

“You’re doing that thing Dean does when a woman walks away.” Jack points out, and you throw the empty paper cup at him.

“I can’t believe I actually talked to her.” You make circles in the worn leather arm of the chair with your forefinger.

“That was a nice conversation.” Jack says, and although it’s impossible for him you are pretty sure you sense a tinge of smug in his words.

Jack happily sips his coffee.

“I am going to think of ways to torture you. Once I figure out what in this world embarrasses you.” You vow at him, narrowing your eyes at his innocent smile.

You get up and stretch, feeling a crackle run through your back. “Okay cupid, let’s go.” you yawn.

As you start toward the door you hear, “Hey, wait!” behind you and turn around. “Here you go.” the girl hands you a cup of coffee and your fingertips ever so slightly brush the inside of her wrist by accident. You want to pull her in and hold her, but instead grab the coffee.

“Thanks.” you say weakly and she runs back to her counter.

Once you get outside and walk back toward the bunker you turn the cup around in your hands.

It says, ‘Look at me, being brave!’ with a little caricature of herself winking underneath. You attempt to suppress a smile as you hold the hot cup closer to your core, warming you in the windy morning.

You walk into your makeshift dark room and pull the photos off the hanging clips. As you stack them together you run your fingers along the edges to make sure they are neatly fitted into one rectangle.

You push through the heavy curtains and turn off the dark light switch. Absentmindedly you walk out to the hallway and stare at the top photo. It’s one of Jack looking directly at the camera, making you feel like he is staring right into you. Knowing all of your secrets.

You see him sitting at a table quietly reading and walk up behind him.

“Let’s take a look at those photos.” You sit down next to Jack and spread the glossy rectangles all over the table.

You run your finger along them as you inspect each one and your finger halts on one of Jack eating a candy bar.

“It’s so colorful.” Jack muses.

“Yes, I know exactly what I want for the second picture. We’ll use a black and white filter.” you picture it in your head, hoping it will turn out the same in reality.

“This is coming along nicely.” You turn to Jack and run your hand along his stubble, scratching you pleasantly. His lips are red front from the cold walks you’ve been taking together and you think to yourself you should get Sam to buy some chapstick.

“Did you want to finish talking about sexuality?” Jack says, stumping you in your thoughts. You immediately withdraw your hand from his face and cover your mouth to stifle a laugh.

“You have a way with timing, Jack.” you snicker.

“Welp.” you exhale, as ready as ever to talk.

“That girl, from the coffee shop. I just keep thinking about...her...about us.” You say, pausing to gather your sentences.

“Us?” Jack asks, tilting his head.

“Her and I... going away together.” you smile meekly.

Jack’s face drops, but you don’t notice as you are fiddling with your fingers, making them knot and unknot one another.

“I want to touch her, and hold her, and kiss her in my arms. And every time I see her my mind goes blank and I don’t even know how to ask her name.” you say.

“Why don’t you start with her name tag?” a voice says on the other side of the room, making ice water run through your veins.

You spin around in your chair and see Dean had walked in at some point in your conversation and was casually adding his two cents as though this wasn’t the most private conversation of your entire life happening right now.

You feel yourself burning and the muscles in your throat swell up, so the only think you could think to do is push out of the chair and run full speed out of the room into hiding.

“What?” Dean throws his arms in the air, bewildered at your reaction, “What did I do?” he turns to Jack who is pressing his eyebrows together, concerned but not sure what to do.

“I don’t think you were supposed to hear that.” Jack says further knotting his eyebrows together. He hates to see you in pain, and he could tell that whatever just happened hurt you very much.

“What’s the big deal? Who cares if she likes a girl?” he rolls his eyes and drops his arms to his sides dramatically.

“She cares. And if she cares that’s all that matters.” he says, and gets up to look for you.

Dean sighs in defeat and is left frowning with guilt in Jack’s wake.

You can’t believe he was so callous as to butt in and completely destroy your privacy like that. You just barely figured yourself out, and now Dean is involved. You’re not ready to talk to the guys about this..well the other guys anyway. What if you just like this girl? What if you don’t even like her, but you just think she’s really amazing and admire her and don’t know what other feeling to put to it other than romantic ones? What is Dean thinking about it right now? It’s not even any of his business. What the crap.

Tears are hot running down your face, as though your internal temperature was blasted through the roof and your tears were just water boiling over. You bring your knees to your chest and lay your wet face into the fabric of your clothes, blacking out everything from your sight. What does this mean now that it’s out there?

An arm lays around your shoulders and you tense up at the touch until a voice says, “I’m sorry.”

“Jack.” you sigh with relief and your body relaxes, “You didn’t do anything.”

“I know, but I am sorry that Dean upset you. He didn’t know that he wasn’t supposed to hear that.”

“Thanks, Jack. I guess I should’ve picked somewhere less likely to get walked in on...” you trail off, not really sure if you ever want to show your face to anyone again.

He lays his head on top of your head and stay silent for a while. He probably isn’t sure what to say, but that works just fine for you, because being held in the darkness might be just what you wanted.

After some time you raise your head up, coming face to face with Jack. You press your forehead into his and blink away the last of your tears.

“You don’t have to be afraid, Y/N.” he says, and a smile spread across your face. “Thanks, Jack. With you I feel less afraid.”

“I feel less afraid with you, too.” He says quietly. “I don’t want you to leave.” he says with a sadness.

You open your eyes to look directly into his and search them for meaning. “Why would you think I’m leaving?” you ask and pull back so you can see his face more clearly.

“You said you want to leave with the girl at the coffee shop. You said you want to take her away and go just the two of you.” He says with worry. “I just don’t know what life is like without you.”

“Oh Jack.” you whisper, “I’m not going to leave you. Don’t you remember I said I can’t imagine my life without you? I don’t plan on ever imagining it either.” you reach for his hands and hold them against the sides of your cheeks. “I might be nobody special, but at least I have you to worry for me.” you feel his warmth radiating against your skin and your heart opens wide for him. “Why do you think you’re not special?” Jack asks solemnly. You remove his hands from your face but continue to hold them in your hands. “Sweetie, not everybody was born to save the world. I’m not a Winchester, and I’m not Nephilim. I’m just a human, no stars aligned when I was born, and no demons came for me, and no angels wrote lore about my coming.” You almost feel a relief as you say it, although it was meant to be diminishing, “I’m just a girl. And nobody cares if I like other girls.” you say, realizing as you say it out loud that it’s kind of true. When you put it into perspective like that, it doesn’t seem like something to worry about after all. “You know what? I feel kind of better.” You brace yourself against Jack’s shoulders to stand up, then offer him your arm, “Let’s go tell Dean off.”

He takes your arm and stands up, following you down the hall with concern still somewhat radiating off of him.

You approach the War Room and see two bodies standing by the table. The long trench coat turns around and Castiel looks apologetically to you.

“He didn’t mean to walk in on your conversation.” He defends for Dean, as usual, attempting to excuse his rude behavior.

“Are you KIDDING ME?” You ball up your fist and walk around Castiel to Dean, “You TOLD HIM?” You get right up in Dean’s face ready to give him a piece of your mind.

“First of all, back off.” Dean says, putting a hand up in the small space between you two.

“Haven’t you learned ANYTHING about privacy and not butting in to things that have nothing to do with you?” You fire up, pushing his hand out of the way.

“No, I heard his mind. He wouldn’t stop feeling bad about it, over and over again.” Castiel attempts to calm you.

“Hey, I’ve got it Professor X -” He waves away Castiel, “You know how nosy angels can be-” he puts a hand on your shoulder.

You grind your jaw, unsure of if it really is his fault after all. You shove Dean’s hand off your shoulder, stomping toward the stairs. Dean grabs your arm before you get away and his voice cracks, “Hey kid, really. I didn’t mean it -I-I’m sorry if I wasn’t supposed to hear that.” he says sincerely. You unball your fist, but don’t turn to face him. You bite your lip and furrow your brow in confusion. Who am I really mad at here? He pulls you into a hug. “For what it’s worth, nothing matters to me as long as you don’t have those black eyes, okay?” he pats you on the back in that lovingly awkward big brother Dean kind of way. You inhale deeply and exhale just as hard, giving in to his apology. “Okay.” you begrudgingly say just loud enough that he can hear. “I mean it, kid.” he says as he kisses the top of your head and lets you go. “Now go catch that coffee girl.” he waves his arm like a lasso.

“No Dean, too soon.” You shake your head and walk toward the hatch.

When you get outside Jack sprints up to your side, and you release the flood gates of complaints. “It’s just that I don’t know who I want to know, you know?” you scratch your head. “I mean...this is a part of me, I kind of think it always has been...deep down anyway. But I don’t need other people telling me their opinions when I don’t even know...” you trail off, feeling mixed emotions of acceptance and frustration. “I think this is who I am, and it doesn’t even mean that much, but it means a lot to ME you know?” you grind your teeth left and right trying to figure out why you’re spouting all of this. “I’m glad Dean... I mean... What if he didn’t feel the way he does?” you inhale sharply through your nose to stop flooding emotions.

“But he does feel the way he does, not a different way.” Jack tries to connect for you, making lines in the air with his eyes. “What if...other people don’t feel the same as he does?” you ask hesitantly. “Everyone feels differently. Everyone has their own feelings, right?” Jack asks, making your real worry bubble up without warning. Your heart starts beating faster, quickening your breath as well, “But, I don’t have very many people in my life, Jack. What if I lose one of the few people in my life because they don’t want to be around me anymore?” you feel your hands start shaking and Jack looks frantically at you. “Why wouldn’t someone want to be around you? Because of someone that you like? Why would anybody want to leave you because of someone else that makes you happy?” he grabs your hands the way you always grab his when you’re nervous. You’re not sure if he’s trying to calm you down or calm himself down. “Why, indeed?” you say, blinking away hot wetness in your eyes. “Y/N, if you aren’t hurting anybody, and someone doesn’t want you to be happy...do you want them in your life anyway?” he asks so simply. You stop breathing, stop shaking, and stop thinking altogether.

“That’s a great point...” you say to the floor.

“If this hurts you so much now, they will hurt you over and over again.” Jack squeezes your hands and searches your face for any sign that he’s helped ease your pain.

“Jack...” your lip trembles and you thrust yourself into his arms, crying unstoppably.

“Y/N, did I say it wrong?” he asks tenderly.

“No Jack- they’re good tears.” you sob out, hoping he understands the words. You are just so happy to have someone who so unconditionally loves you and shows you warmth and kindness in this world of monsters both human and inhuman.

You squeeze him with all of your might and wipe your face vigorously on his jacket, giggling a little bit as a heavy weight was lifted from your soul.

You feel light and a little bit dizzy, and you want to stop making Jack worry.

“Let’s go shopping for your picture.”

Several outfit changes later you decided on some torn jeans, a rock and roll tank top, and leather jacket. It’s like a Jack from another universe - it’s perfect. You decided to take some pictures by the Men of Letters motorcycle in the bunker garage. It’s got that edge to balance the playful atmosphere of the first photo.

You played around with his hair for over an hour deciding which tools and what product gets the exact messy finish you want. The opposite of his usual smooth and soft wave, no hair ever out of place. It’s still the same, but rougher. Like he was riding at the beach all day long - hair all over the place and wavy like the wind instead of perfect waves like the ocean.

“Okay, this is it.” you pat him on the shoulders, deciding it’s now or never. Otherwise you could play dress up Jack all day long, and never stop enjoying yourself.

He looks rather rugged...

You feel something not sure you’ve ever felt from Jack before. It’s not an a friendly love, or an admiration. That scruffy look...is giving you some lustful ideas.

“Ahem.” you clear your throat, especially as you pass by Castiel on your way to the garage. Is that damned angel there every time I have extremely uncomfortable thoughts, or what??

You direct Jack again, where to look, how to sit, what to do with his arms.

You try getting him sitting on the motorcycle, but he looks too stiff and unsure. Not as cool as you expected. You give up the motorcycle as a prop and use it as the background drop instead. You sit Jack in front of the bike and ask him to lean against the wall. He is tired, you can tell, probably from the emotional hoops he’s been jumping through all day for you. Probably all week. “Relax. Just look at me and loosen all of your muscles.” the shutter snaps away and echoes through the tall ceilings of the garage. He is so flawless. You decide it was the right decision to have him as your case study. It doesn’t matter if he is smiling childishly about chocolate, or if he is staring emotionlessly into your camera lens, he is stunning.

You release a heavy breath and rub your eyes with the back of your hand, “Well, that’s it. Now we wait for the photos to develop!” you stand up, feeling tense and sore from all of the weird angles. “Did I help?” Jack asks innocently, always eager to please. You smile and nod happily, “Yes, you helped.”

He hops up and smiles ecstatically, winning some internal award in his head.

As you go to pull the film and measure the chemicals in your dark room again Jack says he is going to get ready to go to bed. I guess he actually needs to sleep tonight. You think to yourself after all you’ve put him through, physically and emotionally.

You think about the girl from the coffee shop, perfect in her own ways. Beckoning to your savior side to take her away from her small town and have adventures around the world with her. But that’s not who you are. What if you do ask her out? Will you reveal to her that you are a hunter? Will you put her in danger by showing her this side of your life? Or will you hide it from her - even if you become seriously engaged? That’s not the kind of relationship you want... but you also don’t want to have a fling with her like one of Dean’s floozies. You sigh mournfully. No, not floozies. You don’t blame Dean for never getting close to anybody. Other than your little makeshift family that is... it must be hard on him... but of course it’s always harder falling in love and trying to keep a ‘normal’ relationship, huh? You shake the liquids off of the photos watching them magically develop from a blank piece of glossy paper into a work of art. Amazing.

Like you told Jack anyway, you’re not leaving. So what can you offer her in this town anyway?

You decide to leave the coffee girl as a chapter in your life that helped you discover more about yourself. You put away your daydream and leave the dark room to go to bed.

Breakfast the next morning couldn’t come soon enough. You tossed and turned all night, unable to get up while also failing to absorb any actual rest.

“Hit me, Sammy.” you grunt in a raspy voice as you clang down your favorite coffee mug on the table.

Sam pours the elixir into the mug and raises his eyebrows as Dean walks through the doorway, “That’s my mug.” Dean grumbles, but one stern look from you swerves him toward the shelves to find himself another mug.

“I know, it tastes better when I know I took it from you.” You scratch the back of your head and yawn before taking that first perfect sip.

“Good morning.” Jack and Castiel say in unison as they both show up at the table. You glance at Jack, slightly disappointed to see him back in his regular style. Not that it is particularly unpleasant, just having gotten a taste of Hot Jack was very curious and he’s already gone and washed his hair and shaved his face. Guess you didn’t sleep much last night after all.

Castiel sits across from you and you turn away, ignoring the puzzled look he gives you.

Dean sits down and slurps his coffee as he catches your eye. He points at tilts his head toward Sam as if to ask if you’ve told him yet.

No. You shake your head at him groggily, not that you’re not ready. Just tired.

Dean reads you loud and clear and nods equally groggily.

Sam sets food down in front of everybody and we all quietly pick up our utensils. All quietly, except for Cas, who out of the blue asks, “Why are you so sure that you like that girl?” he directs to you.

Dean chokes on his coffee, Jack turns to you expecting to see a glare or signs of reaching out to choke Castiel, and Sam’s spatula freezes mid-scoop.

“Good job, Cas.” you say and turn to Sam, “Yeah, I like girls.” you casually shove your fork into your mouth and since everyone was looking at you add, “Enjoy your eggs everyone.”

Everyone turns their heads to their plates except for Castiel, who presses onward, “I just don’t understand-”

Dean puts a hand up and interjects, “You don’t need to understand the dynamics of lesbian romance Cas, and if you feel the need to learn I can direct you to some videos-”

“Dean.” Sam shakes his head and Dean shrugs, but Cas looks ready to protest again. “It’s fine, Y/N. You like whoever you like.” Sam warmly smiles at you, “If you want to talk about it I’m here, not that it’s something to talk about...just-” he waves his spatula in the air before finishing, “you know.”

“Smooth.” Dean nods and grins satisfactorily at Sam as he raises his mug to hide his smugness.

Sam rolls his eyes and Cas continues, “It’s just that you already like Jack, don’t you?”

Somebody’s knife screeches against the plate, making you squirm at the sound.

“Well...” Sam defends, “You can like more than one person at a time.”

Jack nods at Sam and says, “Y/N said there is more than just Straight and Gay.” then he turns to you and says, “Is that true?”

You bore your eyes into your scrambled eggs as you feel everybody else’s eyes on you. “Do you mean...that there is more than one sexuality... or that I like you?” you gulp and can hear everybody turn back toward their food uncomfortably for the moment.

“I mean.. sexuality is definitely a spectrum... and I just only accepted that I like girls, but I guess I didn’t think about what that means for how I feel about guys..” you twirl your fork through the contents of your plate as though somewhere hidden in there will be the answer you are looking for.

“Wait a minute.. why do you even think that?” You ask Castiel defensively, pointing your fork toward him.

“I didn’t think it was a secret.” Castiel tilts his head inquisitively at you, “Every time you walk past me you are thinking quite loudly about Jack. Usually about his physical attractiveness or how happy you are that he is in your life-”

“STOP INTRUDING INTO PEOPLE’S THOUGHTS.” you shout over the table.

“...” Castiel looks at Jack and looks back to you, “Like I said, you were thinking it quite loudly.”

Dean clicks his tongue and winks at Jack, “He is quite an attractive boy.”

You narrow your eyes at Dean who wiggles his eyebrows and gleefully shoves a piece of bacon into his mouth.

You remind yourself to smash his mug so he can never enjoy its feeling in his hands again.

“You make me happy too.” Jack says simply and continues eating breakfast.

You raise your butter knife to point at each of the Winchesters and the Angel individually as you warn, “If anybody says so much as another word for the rest of breakfast I will find a way to shove this knife all the way inside of you until the handle isn’t reachable anymore.”

Everybody nods and continues eating. Cas shrugs, Sam smiles nervously, Dean shakes with internal laughter, and Jack blinks obliviously.

Hours later, after the utensils are safely put away and out of reach, Dean walks up behind you on the couch. “I mean, Cas isn’t wrong. It is pretty obvious.” he says quietly to you, prompting you to snag the pillow next to you and bash him in the face with it. He jumps back and raises his arms defensively, but adds as a last note, “I mean, I thought you were already together when you were sneaking out of his room in the morning.” You grab the remote and chuck it at Dean’s head but he grabs it mid-air and tosses it gently back at you before sprinting out of the room.

You feel very conflicted.

You’ve just spent a very long time accepting this new part of yourself. Well...it felt new. It was probably always a part of you if you think about it...but acknowledging it is new.

So...what if you’re bi-sexual? It doesn’t matter any more than being straight or gay or asexual when you’re a hunter. Doesn’t it?

Unless...you’re dating another hunter you guess.

You decide to get the final pictures to put in your portfolio, even though you’ve been avoiding the outrageously gorgeous images of Jack all day. Well..that doesn’t help the situation does it... or Does it? Doesn’t that mean that you do like Jack? I mean..the guy is part angel, of course he’s attractive. Doesn’t mean you’re in love with him. Though you do love him. But ...like that? Also, you’ve met some unattractive angels. Haven’t you?

You get to the dark room and pull the final prints to inspect and choose the winner.

You go to your room and spread the prints across your bed. You hold up the picture you chose as phase 1 to compare to the phase 2 results. They’re all so beautiful. Maybe you are a master photographer after all.

You close your eyes and point to one at random. He’s sitting on the motorcycle stiffly, with a deep wrinkle in his forehead as he tries to balance on the handlebars. You chuckle. It’s partially covering one up and you pull it out to place it on top. You lay the first photo side by side.

The contrast is perfect! Look at the color, the softness, the joy. And the darkness, the roughness, the loneliness.

...The loneliness in his eyes. Your heart aches. It clenches to see any bit of sadness in his eyes, especially next to such a bubbly photo full of pure joy.

You sigh.

You pick up the two photos and walk over to Jack’s room. You tap your knuckles on the door and crack it open to see Jack sitting against the headboard again.

“I think these are the winners.” You raise up the photos in front of yourself and he smiles at them.

“You’re really cool! I look so different.” He says with an approving nod.

“Great.” You tuck them under your arm to put in your portfolio in a moment.

“Thanks Jack.” You look around his room, “Thanks for helping.” You put a hand in your pocket and turn around to go back to your room.

“Hey Y/N,” Jack stops you and you look back at him, “Could we actually go for another walk tonight?”

“Sure, Jack.” you smile.

By some anomaly today is a warm night. After many cold nights in a row, you’re able to ditch the jacket at home and enjoy a starlit walk without shivers.

You walk side by side, Jack leading the walk tonight through a path of trees. You follow silently, until Jack breaks the sounds of crunching leaves. “Y/N, I’ve been thinking about what you said.” Your eyes widen and you decide to keep your mouth shut and hear him out before deciding to say anything. “You said you are nobody special, and I haven’t had the chance to talk to you about that.” he says with a tinge of pain. Oh. You feel half relief and half discomfort. “I may have been born Nephilim,” Jack says tactfully, “You have been born human. But being Nephilim is what makes me special.” He stops at a treeless patch at a ridge where a blanket is tucked between some rocks. He spreads out the blanket and sits down, looking to you as a signal to sit as well. When you sit down he continues, “You are human. Which means everything about you is special.” He looks up at the sky. “You chose to hunt. To protect other people. You chose to give up your regular life so other people can continue to life normally.” “What other choice did I have once I knew the truth?” You interject. “Anything. You could have ignored it - avoided it - chosen not to put yourself in danger anyway. We’ve met plenty of people who’ve done just that.” he retorts, and you guess he has a valid point. “That you feel you did not have another choice doesn’t mean that you didn’t, it means that you care so much for the protection of this world that it didn’t seem like there was any other choice to you.” He sees goosebumps run up your arms and decides to take his shirt off. You lean away from him and shriek, “What are you doing?” He hands his t-shirt to you, “You’re cold, take my shirt.” and waits for you to accept his offer. You are bewildered. You glance at his body, smaller than the Winchesters, but sculpted nonetheless. You feel yourself getting warm and protest, “Won’t you get cold?” “No, I run a little bit warmer than you.” he says with a finality. It’s true that he is always warm and you often reach for him on those chilly walks because he radiates heat. “O-Okay..” you take his shirt and pull your arms and head through the holes, embarrassed to say that the reason you got goosebumps were because of his words, not the warm night air.

“Look, there’s Orion..” you point at the constellation in the sky, the easiest to spot in your opinion. You lean back on the blanket, inspecting the bright lights in the black endless expanse.

Jack leans back along with you. “You know, this was all made for you.” he says to you, “My Grandfather made this all for you.” While you are taken by surprise, you attempt to correct, “You mean all people right?” He shakes his head, “Not the way you think of it... I’ve heard some of your thoughts -” he stops and apologizes, “Sorry, I know you don’t like that. Sometimes I just hear them when I’m not thinking about anything.” You don’t say anything or push him in frustration, so he continues, “It’s not meant for all of humanity as a group. It’s meant for each individual person as an independent observer.” He turns to face you, “That’s why you don’t have angel radio, you’re not meant to think together. You’re meant to experience everything as one person with your own experience.” He watches as you look up at the stars. “So it is meant for you. You, Y/N.” the sincerity in his voice makes you turn to face him and you see his eyes sparkling in the night’s light. “What you see is the most important part of the universe. What you see will only happen once in all of time, and you’re the only one who will see it ever again.” He searches your face as you stare deeply into his eyes, watching them move across your face in measured movements. “You can see it any time you want, over and over again in your head, but no other human can. You’re special because you are the only you that will see what you see, make the choices that you make, or even make decisions the way that you do. No other person thinks like you, and that makes me glad, because I like the way that you think. And I know by being with you, I can see the way you think every day, and you surprise me every day when you make a new decision even though I thought you would do something else. No matter how much I think I know you, I still can’t predict you. I just have to be here with you and watch ....you happen.”

You stare at one another for a long time, not knowing exactly how long since the night time feels like one large infinite moment.

Any time you’re with Jack it feels like one large infinite moment. And he’s right, as much as you know him, he still takes you by surprise. And apparently, as much as you know yourself, you still have learning to do about what you will decide.

You prop up on your elbows and look from him to the sky, deciding that it’s not possible to know anything at all. Except that you’re here, and he’s here, and you’re both together right now.

“Jack, how do you know who you’re supposed to love?” you ask.

He props up on his elbows and looks at you indecisively.

“I’m not sure” He looks at the darkness ahead and back to you, “but I don’t think there is an exact person we are supposed to love.”

“I think I know, Jack.” You say, and lean against his chest, absorbing his warmth in the glowing night.

#jack x reader #jackxreader #jack kline #jack novak #jack #jack nephilim #jack kline x reader #jack kline fiction #jack nephilim x reader #jack nephilim fiction #jack spn #jack spn x reader #spn au #spn fiction

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trve-grimdark · 7 years ago

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ENOUGH ABOUT SQUATS AND SKAVEN

(I should note I’m not attacking anyone who does like this idea, just expressing why I think this is a terrible idea. If its your thing, cool, but just consider this view point as well.)

SQUATS. No, they don’t need to come back. Ever. In any form. Here’s the deal, most people chanting this battle cry for Squats where not even born or playing during Rogue Trader, and probably have never played a game of it, theory, yes but still I’m willing to bet on it. Most likely at some point in time some hobbiests have heard some small group of Gragnards sitting in a corner at a hole in the wall game shop mumbling into their mounds of chin hair “Bur, Roog Trader eez dee only good edition. Bur, Me likes dur squats and dur Haliquin Land Radders. For-dur kay an’t noth’n, muuurrr.”

Yeah...sure. 40k is sooo much less without those things. And now in the mindset of acting like they have some vested interest in what 40k used to be, these 20-30 something year old players have taken up parts of these cries because..well I don’t know. They never actually explain why, they just say ‘Squats! Make Squats!” Why? So that the Tau, or Dark Gods forbid the imperium have some lack luster 5 unit hastily assembled codex ally to tack onto their battle field roster?

Here’s an interesting “Gamer story” that may or may not be fact passed down from the powers that be. Rick Priestly supposedly hated Squats so much he hinged their continued existence on a game of SM vs Squats with a co worker, won, and had them abolished. There’s even been talk he put a legal clause in that forbade them from ever being made on the table top under the 40k name ever again.

40k SKAVEN We don’t need 40k Skaven. We don’t. Seriously. Because if we got them, they wouldn’t be Skaven. How could they be? Warpstone doesn’t exist in 40k. The Horned Rat has never been mentioned, any planet infested with a “Under-kingdom” could be cyclone torpedoed from orbit until its mantle broke asunder, and in all reality there are tons of sub-factions in 40k that already fit the bill of horde of mutants/aliens with weird tech or patchy tech who worship weird deities and plot to overthrow things.

An NO, don’t use the fucking knee-jerk argument of “But Hrud are Skaven!” No, they are not. Okay, yeah, one time a picture got drawn of some alien species and the ONE Hrud looked very skaven like in that one picture. Some one pinch me. The Hrud are not skaven. In all the lore, especially the most recent, nothing about them has ever been very skaven like. They are the product of past crazy 40k background kept alive in the same way most franchises keep obscure references around. It gives you something kinda different to write about some times.

The only thing that could be skaven about a 40k army would be how they talked, what their tech looked like (sort of) and the fact they are rats. Ummm, just make your own army of that, use some existing Codex’s and call it a day. Your ideas and conversions I can bet would be miles better then any rush job project GW could put out.

Also another “Gamer Story” that I was told personally by the Upper management from the old Battle Bunkers (yes we used to have those) is that space skaven was a project GW once tried to green light. Then a certain employee decided it would be an awesome idea to “Leak” a photo of some clan rats converted to wearing bubble helmets with the tagline “Coming Soon” to the interwebz and well, said employee and project where canned.

Both these armies also fall afoul of GW’s stated desire that 40k no longer be a flip flop version of WHF. And this I agree with. 40k does deserve its own shit. As much of an old WHF fan that I was, I felt it was tacky to have the same races mirrored in two separate games. And now, I mean, if you want to play these things, play AoS. The Dwarves have their new Warmachine ripoff faction that’s about sci fi as you get minus laser guns, and the skaven have always been rather advanced for fantasy (Seriously in 7th ed I counted it out, they had more machines then Dwarves and Emp. combined!)

#warhammer 40k #warhammer #skaven #squats #hobby #rant

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pathfindersemail · 8 years ago

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"No Words” - Fallout 4 ficlet

Summary: moments into Marie and Curie’s relationship as it developed and unfolded.

Rating: Mature for mild sexual content

“Marie! Did you know this?! About our names?!”

Her voice sounded slightly hollow the way it echoed in the bunker - a projection of her curiosity.

Marie couldn’t help but turn from her task at hand, letting the lock click back after so much tinkering. “Did you just find that out?” Her eyes glanced without so much a turn of her head. Fingers steadied to at least keep the angle right. It was such delicate thing, finagling the sweet spot of rusted down locks.

“Ah well... no!” Curie blushed, rosy cheeks getting rosier with her realization of the obvious. “I always knew about my namesake, but I never made the connection.” Her eyes fluttered down to the floor in coy timidity as her fingers twisted together behind the skirts of her cindered sun dress. “I suppose it is clear as day, isn’t it? Ah...”

The whistle of a wistful sigh followed suit, and even then Curie couldn’t help but gaze out to a distance far beyond the irradiated hinges and walls blocking off the horizon.

“Quelle coincidence!” She exclaimed in a fevered pitch, but something in its utterance made her mull over such probability. And as soon as the echo of her raised voice receded, she immediately murmured in a lower but no less certain hum, “Maybe, we were always meant to be.”

To that Marie raised a caught-off brow. “Meant to be, huh?”

“I... well, uh...”

Curie had only been a synth for a month, and already she was fumbling around the complexity of feelings.

“It’s okay,” she cut in with a chortle. “I know what you mean.”

Marie resumed her work. The click of metal sang a muted yet nevertheless beckoning siren song as her lock pick twisted and turned in a dance with the half bent bobby pin. Her synth friend stayed behind, inquisitively pondering how she could puzzle out such a delicate thing.

The cackle of a sleepy fire was a familiar song to Marie by now. But by the toss and turn of Curie’s own stumbling drowsiness, she could tell it was still agonizingly new.

“I was thinking about it,” Curie said blithely. She plopped flat on her back on the bedroll next to Marie’s. “Feelings aren’t that hard.” Her voice had the sort of listless certainty only heard in dreamers.

“Is that so?” Marie’s eyes were closed, but she couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“No, not at all,” she spoke with a seeming huff. “It is not emotions that are difficult, but the people.”

“The people?”

“Yes! The people.”

The low tones of crickets overtook the crescendo of their conversation. Soon the fire waned lower, and not even the embers could whip up a contrapuntal crack to the evening’s mellowed sounds.

“How so?”

Even with her eyes closed, she could feel Curie look at her with a frustrated pout, as if resentful yet nonetheless inspired by her inquisitiveness.

“Feeling emotions - happy, sad, excited, angry ... they are easy. You can let your heart beat with it, or your blood... ah! What is it? rush, no?”

Marie knew the question was rhetorical, so she kept her eyes placidly closed, listening for the low murmurs of a breeze rolling in with the gentle roll of sand beneath them.

“But... people look at you weird. They look at me weird, as if to say ‘Why are you happy, Curie? Why do you blush so?’” An exasperated sigh followed her seemingly impersonal anecdote. The audible shifting of her weight and folding of her arms over her bundled up chest added to the chorus around them.

“Ha, that’s true,” Marie said, a little sleepy.

But Curie was now galvanized. She sat up a bit snappy, leaning on her elbow as she turned to face her more languorous companion. “How do you deal with it?” The earnestness in her voice added a more rushed urgency, pleading and all the while restless with the meaning of what ultimately were the mercurial pitfalls she had yet to brush away.

“I stay away from people,” she readily answered. Her lungs heaved for an exhalation, but a pensiveness accompanied it, contouring the otherwise mellow timber of her voice. “It’s easier that way.”

Curie seemed satisfied with the answer. Why else did she suddenly grow quiet, with nothing save an audible retreat into the fabric of her bedroll and the crumbling of dirt beneath her suddenly denser weight? For a while Marie thought they had achieved the sort of silence needed for a good night’s sleep. Nothing but the cackling of fire, the whistle of leafless trees, and the dulcet song of lightless life in a swarm beneath them.

“But you didn’t stay away from me, Marie.”

Her voice rang with the same shine as a chime. Marie could feel it reverberate with the moonlight, wavelength upon wavelength snaking through the dark.

“True.” She really had no rebuttal, save a more clichéd response she had hoped to save for later. “But your’e different.”

A giggle before a counter. “You mean I’m a synth,” she retorted too cheerily.

“No, I mean you’re ... different.”

More giggling from her side. And soon a warmth, not from the fire, seemed to creep closer to her bedroll. No doubt, the sound of breathing grew louder too - the sort of intimate detail that only delicate words could handle.

“How about your husband, was he different too? Like me?”

To that even Marie couldn’t help but stifle her own laugh. “You can say that.”

Another sigh, accompanied by a yawn. It was clear Curie didn’t really know her own body all too well yet. “That makes me feel... better, somehow.”

“I’m glad.”

In the Commonwealth (not Boston, Not Massachusetts...) people said I’m glad instead of goodnight. Marie learned that.

“Can I hold your hand?”

“Why?”

“Ah! How do you say...I’m afraid to wake up alone.”

Her fingers curled into hers. In the dark, it was all they could be sure of.

“No leave me alone!”

“Curie-...”

“Why?! We didn’t have to-...”

“I know, I know.”

“You say that, but you did it anyway! Did her life not matter?! Does life mean nothing to you?!”

“Killing is what we do Curie.”

“She was just an old woman!”

“An old woman who snuck into our safehouse and used up our stores! Is that what you want?! You want us to starve?!”

Curie fumed, collecting a bit of herself and what sanity she tried to muster into the argument.

“By my calculations, the amount she took would not have starved us! You know this!”

Marie let her face fall flat into the palm of both her hands. Sighing and shaking her head, unable to explain the sort of ruthlessness that she tacitly accepted in the year she had wandered aimlessly.

“I-... You’re right. I’m sorry.”

But Curie stormed off, leaving the irradiated Eden and its creaking wire fence to tumble about in the wind.

The Christmas lights glowed in iridescent colors. For the moment, Curie’s skin was colored red, and then blue, before shining into an emerald green; a technical wonder that must have been the envy of the stars.

“I ... you’re very... cute... Marie,” Curie confessed, but the exact hue of her flushed cheeks would never be known. Only the trembling inflection of her voice and the ever-parted sigh of her lips could breathe into Marie the fondness with which she spoke.

So she laughed in return, happy to find warmth and comfort in an otherwise cold evening. “There used to be snow here. A ‘white Christmas’ they called it. Do you remember?”

There was no way the Curie lying before her would remember, but sure enough she could recall a time when everything inside a different version of her was mere circuitry, and the souvenirs of the past were not memories but archived data, whirring abuzz in the recesses of her mind. “Yes, but I never felt it.”

Marie let her hand wander further. A searing rush speared through them both as she felt deeper. With closed eyes, she heard nothing save the screech of the rusted springs of their mattress and felt nothing but the softness of Curie’s hips buckling beneath hers. Somewhere in the background, the floating tendrils of shadows playing with the linen curtains made lines on their bare thighs, tracing the light as it danced on Marie’s back.

She left a kiss on the nape of Curie’s neck, trailing to the hollow of her collar bone before granting her the reprieve of a fluttering sigh.

“I love you,” Curie confessed. The typically green hue of her eyes were tinged black in the night, letting in very little light. “I thought you should know.”

Marie laughed and kissed her on the nose. “I love you too.”

Curie wrapped her legs around her lover’s waist, her calves grazing against the smooth little hairs of the other’s thighs. They kissed for the pauses in between breaths. Feeling, for once, what it felt like to be alive again. Not surviving, not starving, but simply flush with the steady beat of another’s heart, loud and clear against their ears.

“I should teach you some French!”

Curie blew a bubble her way. The distance from across the tub wasn’t that long.

“I know a little.”

She let the water ring against the ceramic as her limbs rose with a splash. Cascades of ripples formed around them.

“A little?”

“Yeah! I know the song Frère Jacques.”

“... a song?”

“Yeah!” she repeated with more ardor. “I also know Alouette... what else? Petit poison...”

She pouted in disappointment. “Those do not count, Marie!”

“And why not?” She inched closer to her, hovering over Curie as her chest bent over her upturned knees.

“Why! They’re... how do you say? Children’s songs!”

Marie kissed her anyway, letting her mouth caress what she could of Curie’s smile before the mirth vanished with an underplayed pensiveness.

“What’s wrong?”

“I learned every song there was for Shaun.”

Curie frowned too. Leaning forward, she didn’t want Marie to pull away.

“German, French, Spanish... heck even Japanese.” Marie leaned back on her side of the tub. A wave of bathwater trickled down around them. “I just wanted him to... I don’t know, know everything.”

But much to her surprise, Curie’s rejoinder was not a piteous sigh or even a heartfelt woe. She laughed, giggling behind the stifling press of her fingers. “Silly Marie, children cannot possibly learn everything. You’re only human after all!”

The two women laughed. In love, lost in recently purified waters of a preserved bunker bath.

“You are forty-two this year, Marie.”

Marie said nothing. She merely tended to the gash cutting open Curie’s foot. Her patient was otherwise nonplussed by the drama of guts and gore.

“Yeah?” She was more annoyed than she intended to give off. Being reminded of her age was the least pressing matter at hand, after all.

“I just realized. Today is your birthday. Why... we should celebrate!”

Though Marie wouldn’t say a further word on the subject, she let Curie happily ponder the details of what such a celebration might entail. In fact, it was better if she kept her focus on the wound, lest it get infected. Better than to focus on the palpable absence of lines on Curie’s face, or the growing wires of crows feet around Marie’s eyes. The scars added up, but never the years. She wondered for how long it would last.

Curie stood over the grave. She tried to smile. She knew it was what Marie would have wanted.

“I came back and watered your mutfruit, as promised,” she said feebly. It had been a year since her death - the inevitability of both old age, violence, and an irradiated wasteland poisoning all that was left of ash and bone.

“The world has gone quiet since we last saw each other, my love.” Curie’s hands curled to a fist, pressuring all the feelings and the words she had left unsaid in her loneliness into the tightened coils of her fingers and her palm. “It’s as if there are no longer words,” she added. Her shoulders trembled, but her eyes remained steadfast, hooked as they were to the mound of rocks piled high before her feet. “Just feelings. No words.”

#Fallout 4 #Marie #Curie #fanfiction #drabbles

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metawitches · 4 years ago

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The end is the beginning and the beginning is the end. Michael dies again, Jonas startles awake again. Claudia explains it all, then convinces Jonas and Martha to take a star bridge into space.

Adam finally goes full Nosferatu.

I had to kill her! The fate of the multiverse depends on it!

Recap Episode 8: In Which Claudia Jonas Retcons It All

Pay No Attention to The 2 1/2 Seasons Behind the Curtain

The episode begins with a return to season 1, episode 1 and Michael Kahnwald’s suicide. Then Very Young Jonas startles awake in his bed after a nightmare about his father’s death.

He goes downstairs, sniffs the milk and tells his father about his nightmare. They hug it out, while in the background Hannah makes sure that Jonas has an appointment with his counselor, Peter Doppler, to treat his ongoing struggles with depression.

The whole series was just one of Jonas’ very vivid nightmares. He had a run in with Bartosz’s bitter old grandmother, Claudia, last week, who’s had it in for the Kahnwald family ever since Nurse Ines was instrumental in discovering that the increased cancer rate in Winden was caused by the nuclear power plant accident in ’86.

Claudia, who was the power plant director at the time, was fired and arrested when her part in the cover up of the accident was discovered. She did jail time and her career never recovered.

Old Claudia was so vicious with Jonas that he’s not sure when he’ll be ready to visit Bartosz again. Regina and Aleksander think it might be time to put her in an institution, since she’s driving business away from their luxury spa hotel and cancer rehab center. Since the power plant closed down, their spa and rehab resort hotel keeps much of Winden employed, so they’re very protective of the business.

Jonas feels much better after spending the day with his girlfriend, Martha, who he’s not related to in any way. He doesn’t dream at all that night. The End.

I can retcon the whole thing, too. If we’re going to do it, might as well go Full Dallas.

But let’s do it their way.

Recap

The episode begins with a return to season 1, episode 1 and Michael Kahnwald’s suicide. Then Very Young Jonas startles awake in his bed after a nightmare about his father’s death.

Claudia explains to Adam in 2053 that he is the dreamer and his nightmare will never end.

Unless he listens to her.

After all, listening to her has worked out so well for him in the past. It was his childhood dream to become a mass murdering, pedophilic vampire.

Jonas gets stuck on the fact that he had Claudia killed in the 1950s. I guess he forgot about time travel.

Living Past Your Expiration Date

The God particle has pickled Adam’s brain over the last several decades and he never gives it enough time to heal in between fatal accidents and suicide attempts. If he did, he would realize that many people are alive in the future after their death dates in the past. He sent Noah into the future more than a century past his technical death date.

The time periods that a traveler visits still need to play out in real time, in chronological order, in addition to the out of sync version time travelers experience. Thus, their visits to the future, no matter how long after their death date, will still play out, regardless of whether they are alive or dead in the past. And they will still meet people who watched them die. The Time Traveler’s Wife clearly illustrates this concept.

If you think it through, we already know this, because we watched Hannah die in 1911, yet her entire life prior to that was lived in the future.

Claudia tells him that he still doesn’t know how the game is played, another line they like to repeat, then scoffs at him for putting all of his energy into destroying the knot.

That would be the knot she discovered and told him was important.

She tells him that the origin isn’t in the bindings between the worlds. It’s outside the worlds. His world and Eva’s world should never have existed.

Claudia explains that their thinking is shaped by dualities – dark and light, good and evil, Adam and Eva- but the world actually works in threes. (Remember when she told Jonas in season 2 that there were two sides to the time war, and Adam was the dark and she was the light?)

He needs to stop thinking in dualities. The nature of reality requires three dimensions. Adam suddenly remembers the triquetra knot and figures out that there should be a third world.

Which should have been obvious to him from his talks with HG Tannhaus in S1, when HG essentially said that, but okay. Like I said, Jonas has clearly sustained some brain damage over the course of this cycle.

We go to HG Tannhaus in the bunker, where he’s preparing to turn on his room-sized time machine. This is the 3rd world. Claudia describes it as, “The world that gave birth to the knot, where everything originates, where a single mistake was made.” Tannhaus plugs cables into the machine then looks back at the photo of his son’s family on the wall.

“Tannhaus, in the origin world- like you, he lost someone. And like you, he tried to bring that person back from the dead. But instead, he split and destroyed his world, thus creating our two worlds.”

Tannhaus goes to the wall switches and pushes all 3, turning on the machine. This is the third version of this event we’ve been shown. I assume we’re seeing Origin world Tannhaus’ last three tries at increasing the power of the machine, until with the 4th try he suddenly went too far and blew up his whole planet timeline. But the previous two attempts could have taken place on other worlds- the time machine rig is slightly different this time.

Choose your own adventure.

When Tannhaus pushes the red buttons, the machine reaction is much stronger than before. It has a new cylinder on top that sends out extra lightning. Tannhaus backs up against the wall in fear, just as the camera cuts away.

Claudia tells Jonas that he can destroy the knot by preventing the invention of space-time travel in the origin world.

Didn’t she just tell him he shouldn’t care about the knot?

Old Claudia and Adam return to Adam’s destroyed lair in the Sic Mundus Temple of Doom. Adam/Jonas must have left something behind that Claudia wants. Claudia pretends she would have bothered to spare him pain if she could, as if she’s ever gone out of her way to spare anyone anything. She explains that the cycles have to remain the same until she’s ready to change them. Jonas asks if the scene they’re acting out now has ever happened before.

She says the rest has happened an infinite number of times, but this conversation is happening for the first time, because now, for the first and only time ever, she’s really truly going to tell him the truth.

Imagine me banging my head against the wall. Then imagine it some more. Jonas’ father was the magician who taught us all the rules of magic, which I can see now were what I should have been repeating every other recap.

This show is a shell game. A very long, complicated shell game, played with Mikkel’s love of complexity, distraction and secrecy. But that’s all it is. A game to see which world ends up with the prize on it at the end. Claudia is the magician and Regina is the prize. Everything else is time wasting, repetitive, meaningless distraction that doesn’t matter to her. It’s only there to keep you from noticing what the magician is doing with the prize.

We’ve known all along that Claudia is the one who’s ultimately in charge. She’s said all along that she wants to save Regina, but we didn’t know what that would mean.

Claudia explains that Jonas and Eva singlehandedly keep the knot alive and regenerating.

Gaslighting, Nietzsche, the Enlightenment and Guilt

Let me remind you that we have been shown multiple scenes of multiple Claudias plotting together to keep Marthas, Jonases and Noahs busy and on the correct path for eternity. Claudia maintains these cycles and creates the schemes that the others enact. Without her, the rest would immediately fall apart.

I have no idea why Jonas and Martha are the chosen ones on these worlds, if the worlds are indeed Tannhaus’ fever dreams. You’d think the emanations of his mind would choose or create a couple who are closer to him to focus on, like Charlotte and Peter, Franziska and Magnus or Elisabeth and Hanno, his granddaughter and great granddaughters.

Claudia is the one who has reasons to center her focus on Jonas and Martha, two people who are instrumental in advancing the time travel techniques she needs to move her quest forward. I think they were colleagues or rivals who she trapped in these cycles, essentially enslaving them.

And now she’s done the same to Tannhaus on another world.

But that’s just me writing a second layer into the story again. If it helps you make sense of Dark, use my headcanon. Actual canon is a series of thrown together, cool but mind numbingly repetitive ideas that build into an explosion which weirdly turns out to be a dissolve and an out of place, feel good song, all meant to illustrate the metaphor that all that matters is your own point of view.

When you add up all of the philosophy we’ve been given, this is what you get- We are each living in our own heads, on our own little planets, and the rest of the world is there for us to experiment on as we see fit. If you’re strong enough, take and do what you want, without guilt. If you’re weak, you are guilty of lowering the overall quality of the world for the strong and should leave. Or maybe you should stay, as long as you understand that your place is to submit to the Will of the strong. The choice of genocide vs enslavement/oppression depends on which fascist psychopath you’re dealing with.

These views evolve from the biblical God giving Noah complete control over the Earth and come to fruition with Enlightenment and more recent philosophers such as Descartes, Nietzsche and the Existentialists. If the reality of the world is in question and individuals are given leave to use it as they see fit, when those ideas are combined and taken to their logical extremes, the end result is the disposable world we now live in and which Dark is showing.

While I know Jonas and Martha’s worlds are metaphors for the worlds inside their heads and therefore theoretically it’s no big deal to erase those worlds, this is the exact same philosophy that has been used to exploit and pollute our world almost to death, so I’m not going to excuse it.

At a certain point, metaphors become reality. This is that point. We can’t throw away the timeline or world we live on and go live in another reality. Magical thinking won’t save us.

We need to throw out Enlightenment era thinking, because it’s killing everything and we only have access to one reality. Even if we could access other realities, it’s not okay to continue the habit of colonization and destruction.

Claudia will gaslight Jonas about the knot and the cycles all episode, but what she says isn’t true. I have no idea anymore if the showrunners intended to portray Claudia continuing to gaslight Jonas, or if we are now supposed to believe everything she says, but gaslighting is what’s on screen. Maybe they just hoped we wouldn’t notice that she’s lying about so many things.

Maybe this is their attempt to have it both ways- the story is real and not real. Since they never verbally acknowledge the lies, whatever they might have been attempting didn’t work all that well for me. They coyly leave it in the realm of a midsummer night’s dream, but if you don’t know Shakespeare, you miss this. In the play, everything really happened. It wasn’t a dream. The characters just wish it was, because that would erase their mistakes.

Shakespeare’s characters can start over in the morning as if the world is new and the overnight changes happened naturally. But in real life, we have to deal with the way things are. We can’t undo what’s happened, but we can admit that the rest of the world is as real and deserving of respect as we are. We can ere on the side of believing in a cosmic consciousness that has a purpose for everything instead of repeating the self-serving mistakes of the past.

Over in the Alt world, Eva is explaining to Martha that everyone has to die so that they can be born again correctly. The Unknown trio join Eva and Martha. Eva says that he’s waited a long time to meet her. All three hug Martha.

Claudia explains that Martha and Jonas just won’t stop fighting over their kid and the knot.

They act out of love, but bring only pain and suffering.

Claudia is talking about herself here.

On screen, Martha tries not to shrink away while the Unknown touches her. She’s not excited about this baby.

Then Stranger Martha brings in the gun and clothes that Martha will use to kill Young Jonas. Eva tells her that in order for Jonas to live, he has to die, just like he always has.

Okay, now we’re back in territory I recognize. He’s the dying and reborn god again. Eva just wants to send him home to his own world without paying the time sphere fare. And Claudia probably convinced her this was necessary, for some reason.

Claudia: “Both of you have done unimaginable things on your journey, because you can’t let go of your deepest desires. You have been trying to escape what you will become, but that’s impossible. You will end up facing yourselves again and again.”

So, this right here is the breakpoint for me. As we hear Claudia say this, we watch Martha kill Jonas. And we watch Jonas die without fighting death or blaming Martha. He gives her the St Christopher medal because he loves her, but he’s able to give up his attachment to her and to his life, leaving this world behind. He leaves his deepest desires behind without a struggle.

Martha shoots him because even though she loves him, she’s able to give up her attachment to him and do what’s necessary. She also lets go of her deepest desire without a struggle. Neither of them worry about their son. Always and forever, they are the primary attachment for each other, but they both give up that attachment, and all other attachments, constantly, throughout the series and this episode.

Claudia has to constantly push them into fighting over attachments. They only become Adam and Eva because of Claudia.

The struggle to give up or protect attachments is only important because Claudia created it as a distraction.

Claudia is the one who never, ever gives up her attachments. Bernd taught her to take what she wants, by any means necessary, and that’s what she’s doing. If the showrunners wanted me to believe Claudia’s argument, they needed to make Jonas and Martha less selfless and Claudia less devious. Because what I see are two people who become evil because they are purposely corrupted and exploited by a woman who has all the information and power at her disposal. Claudia is as Machiavellian as they come- she’s proven that there are no boundaries to her ambition.

Claudia tells Adam that Jonas and Martha and their two worlds should never have existed. He asks her how she came by this information. Especially her detailed information about the origin world.

Lol. Silly Jonas. Expecting Claudia to give a straight answer to questions like that.

She never answers the questions. We never find out.

She tells him that she’s spent 33 years looking for the answers in both worlds.

Claudia: “I’ve tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together, to understand how everything can continually be reborn from the same family tree. Until I realized that we’re not all part of the knot. Both worlds are a cancer that must have grown from something else. If you remove it, you destroy everything that was born of it. But you keep everything alive that already existed in the origin world.”

Let me point out here that Claudia never gives any reason why the people who are part of the knot shouldn’t exist. She just says that she figured out she could get rid of them and keep everyone else alive. The knot contains all of her/Regina’s enemies and her rivals in the development of time travel.

If she gets Jonas to wipe out time travel on the 3rd world and everyone related to the Nielsens, she can save Regina, sure, but she can also reinvent time travel all by herself and take all of the credit for the scientific achievement. Taking sole credit for developing time travel, or maybe sharing it with Bernd, is much more in character for Claudia than making Regina her sole priority for an infinite number of cycles.

As Old Claudia speaks, Aging Adult Claudia finishes decorating Prime Regina’s grave with a cross and a photo. Tronte says that he always thought Regina was his daughter. Claudia tells him that she used to wish he was Regina’s father, but it’s better this way. Since Regina’s not part of the knot, she will live.

Then she sends him off to kill Regina, who’s suffering and barely alive. She tells him that it has to be done, in order to motivate Claudia.

With the way the timelines are out of sync, Alt Regina must not be dead yet. Or we’re on a 3rd or 4th world. I can’t be bothered to make sense of the timelines anymore. They’ll all be dead or undone in a little while, so what does any of this matter?

Wonder who Regina’s father could be? Maybe the man she inherited that giant mansion from? The mansion that should have gone to Peter when Helge became incapacitated?

But let’s go back to the first parts of what Claudia said. She didn’t tell Jonas how she figured out anything about the origin world. The magician uses distraction to keep her secrets about how the magic is done.

Claudia says she wanted “to understand how everything can continually be reborn from the same family tree.” That sounds like she’s referring to the knot and the Nielsens, but it could also be referring to the fact that cancer recurs in her family. And in fact, then she refers to the two worlds as cancer worlds that came from a cancer-free world. That’s what she’s looking for- a cancer-free world for Regina.

In case you missed it, Claudia put the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that means Jonas and Martha’s worlds are just nightmare worlds created by the time apocalypse Tannhaus created on the Origin world. She essentially likens them to tumors attached to space-time where the origin world should be or fever dreams that Time has created out of the remnants of the origin world combined with Tannhaus’ longing for the return of his son’s family.

We’re apparently going to just throw all previous time and multiverse theory out the window in favor of Claudia’s cancer world theory. It doesn’t need to make sense, it just needs to save Regina. I’m not sure why they bothered with the whole clunky and confusing Schrodinger’s cat explanation in the previous episode, if none of it mattered. You’d think the fact that they explained that theory, what, 3 or 4 times, would make it the way the universe actually works. Which would mean Claudia is either wrong or lying.

But Tannhaus is now the evil out of control villain who destroyed his own world because he selfishly tried to bring back his family members, while Claudia is the benevolent, selfless mother who’s just trying to put things back to rights. If you don’t pay attention to the fact that Claudia is destroying two worlds in order to bring her own daughter back to life, you’ll be fine with accepting this scenario.

There’s also the fact that the way she describes Jonas and Martha’s worlds as tumors doesn’t really fit the way timeline creation works, using the Schrodinger’s cat theory of the multiverse. Joans and Martha’s worlds should just be 2 alternate timelines which came from that moment, with the destruction of Tannhaus’ world being a 3rd potential reality.

If his world was really even destroyed. Without more explanation and another point of view, it’s hard to judge the truth of Claudia’s assertion that Tannhaus’ world is gone. I’m willing to believe it is, but it’s hard not to notice that we see him turn his time machine on 4 times, with no sign of planetary destruction.

The closest thing to destruction we see is the creation of an Einstein Rosen bridge, which might create a shockwave, but we’ve already seen planets survive similar events- the apocalypses made life difficult, but they didn’t destroy Time or the planet. Maybe something in the power plant data leads to the conclusion that the original accident was actually on a 3rd world and then reverberated out into its clone worlds.

Why is she keeping so much information from Jonas? Because she’s still gaslighting him. His and Martha’s worlds aren’t cancerous tumors. They’re just alternate realities created in a destructive moment. Claudia wants to destroy them for her own purposes, so she needs to wind Jonas up.

I’m not sure if that’s what the show is trying to say or not, but it’s the logical conclusion, based on the canon that’s come before.

Claudia acknowledges that she’s also caused pain and suffering in others in her quest to save Regina. Everything she’s done has been part of her search for a way to break the chain of cause and effect. Her search to understand how everything is connected led her to the realization that their two worlds were created from a 3rd world and Regina will always die in the secondary worlds. Regina can only live in the primary world- Tannhaus’ world.

Claudia admits that she lied to Adam and Eva to keep the knot in place. She had to keep everyone else from finding out the truth and keep everything happening the way it always has, maintaining the chain of cause and effect in both worlds.

So, in her search for a way to break the chain of cause and effect, she had to make sure no one broke the chain of cause and effect? Because otherwise cause and effect would break all by itself? And it was imperative that only she perform this investigation, without any help from all of the intelligent scientists, police officers, etc. around her? In fact, she decided that the most effective way to perform the investigation was to declare herself supreme ruler of the universe, who was making changes all along in her attempts to save Regina.

Claudia tells Jonas that there’s no free will in either world. Everyone always automatically does what they’ve done before.

OMG. Then why does she have to work so hard to make sure that they do what they’ve done before???????

On screen, Alt Ulrich finds Adult Helge at the cabin. This is juxtaposed with scenes from S1 when Prime Ulrich found Child Helge at the mansion. The two scenes play out in a similar manner, ending with Ulrich murdering both Helges by beating their heads with rocks.

Really didn’t need to see the child murder again, never mind the murder of Adult Helge, but it reminds me of something. Somewhere in Ulrich’s adventures with stalking Helge, he tells Helge that he has to stand up to his bullies even if they’re bigger than him, or they’ll never stop. Ulrich says that Helge should bite the bigger boys to make them leave him alone. Following this advice, Child Helge bites Ulrich as Ulrich is murdering him, which doesn’t slow Ulrich down a bit, proving that it’s wrong to blame the victim when a bully attacks them.

But maybe I had it wrong. Maybe the showrunners’ point was that Helge deserved to lose because he couldn’t find a way to beat a grown man. And even as an adult, he’s not as large or smart as Ulrich, who’s a trained police officer. Maybe the point of Dark has always been to encourage taking what you want, ensuring survival of the most ruthless and physically strong. And to come up with a good story to fool anyone who might find another way to stop you.

Helge will eventually win, by waiting Ulrich out, sneaking up on him, bringing a bigger blunt object and using his fictional foreknowledge of events/being prepared. I’ve argued many times for the use of stealth techniques such as those of the femme fatale, which is what Helge uses.

But Helge really wins because he has a foreknowledge of events, so he knows to bring a better weapon. It’s the escalation of defensive tactics that wins the day.

So let me ask- are they arguing for a nuclear arms race? Because I thought these creators were against the use of nuclear devices? The events of this episode flip the message of the previous 25. As long as the nuclear devices aren’t close enough to Regina to give her cancer, it might be a good idea to keep them in reserve, right? Who cares if they give someone else’s kid cancer? We’ll just blow up bury discredit silence dissolve those neighborhoods when they get too polluted.

The inconvenient troublemakers who get in the way of success will become a dream, one way or another.

Alt Ulrich drags Adult Helge’s body down to the time chair room, which has bright yellow wallpaper in the Alt world. Claudia continues to babble on. She says, “No one can escape their fate.”

Alt Ulrich stands over Adult Helge’s body, admiring his work. Old Helge comes up behind him and says, “It was you!” He hits Ulrich in the head with an iron crow bar, knocking him out, then hits him a few more times to make sure he’s dead.

Guess what? Helge the Holy just escaped his fate.

In the Prime world, Helge and Ulrich have the opposite fates. Both live to be old, but Old Helge dies a violent death while attacking his adult self. The current scene negates everything Claudia is saying in her voiceover about everything always working out exactly the same in both worlds and finding its proper place, blah, blah, blah. It only happens that way because she makes it happen that way, so that she can tell Jonas this story.

And so that she can achieve her scientific goals. Never forget that this is the woman who watched her father die so that the passage, as the greatest scientific discovery she’d ever encountered, would remain under her control- not so that Regina could live.

If she didn’t manipulate events, Jonas and Martha’s worlds would diverge into two normal timelines.

Helge takes back his pennies.

Prime Claudia comes into the yellow room and takes in the situation. Adult Helge comes back to life. (His pennies signify that he’s a version of the ferryman who escorts souls to the Underworld. Prime Helge escorted all three dead boys right back to the Winden of Jonas’ world. You do the math.)

Ulrich does not come back. Claudia knows what happened to Helge and Ulrich on the Prime world. She gets an idea about the Power of Three to get things done.

The 3rd Helge broke the chain of cause and effect that was supposedly written in stone. She can work with that- an old man who’s so determined to get back what’s his that he’ll break all the rules, the bunker, time travel, lost children, worlds that are out of control- the story elements are all right there in that room.

Old Claudia changes the focus of her story and tells Jonas that the real loophole is during the nanosecond of time that the world stops during the apocalypse. It momentarily breaks the chain of cause and effect. Claudia says that Eva uses this moment in time to send her younger self off in different directions. Claudia also used it for this visit to Adam. She takes out the sphere. Now she wants him to use the nanosecond loophole to send Jonas in a different direction, so they can break the cycle forever.

Claudia: “Jonas and Martha are to blame for everything happening over and over again. You must send them to the origin world, so they can finally put an end to this.”

Back to the moment of Prime Martha’s death, at the end of S2. Jonas promises to make everything right. Adam has just left. He walks back in. Jonas yells at him. Adam says they need to leave, right now, then they can talk. Jonas throws a hissy fit over the sphere, since this Jonas has never seen one before.

They reappear in the Alt world caves. Adam tells Jonas that he can avoid becoming Adam. But he has to trust Adam.

Jonas should have broken out into hysterical laughter here, since he’d just watched Adam kill Martha, narrowly avoided a panic attack, gotten turned into golden glitter and now this. A little hyperventilation would have been appropriate, at the very least.

But, next thing we know, JONAS HAS LURED THE VAMPIRE OUTSIDE! Before the weak sunlight burns him to ashes, Adam instructs Jonas to hurry up and save Alt Martha from Bartosz and Magnus and Franziska saving her. And saving him.

I haven’t been this worried about a vampire since True Blood ended. Geez, I really thought episode 7 had put me off the older Jonases, but NosferAdam is getting all tender with Jonas now. And that coat is still sharp, even when it’s muddy.

NosferAdam: “All these years, I thought that I alone had to change things. But it’s just as much her fault. You are two parts of the same whole. Only together can you return to the origin world. What we know is a drop. What we do not know is an ocean.”

Jonas: “What are you saying?”

He’s saying that in the 5 seconds he was away from Jonas, he’s mellowed and moved on from murder to kidnapping, but Martha is still his favorite victim. And planetary destruction is still the ultimate goal.

And Young Jonas will still do whatever anyone tells him to do. His main desire in life isn’t really Martha. It’s to follow orders and be absolved of all responsibility. Law and order are everything. The real problem with the knot is that it symbolizes chaos and the breakdown of traditional societal values.

Alt Old Helge and Ulrich come through on their way to the cave and murdering each other in 1986. Jonas and Adam hide behind the family stalking tree while they pass. Adam explains about the apocalypse and the nanosecond loophole and original sin and soulmates and having to repeatedly kill the thing you love until it stays dead… He hands Jonas the sphere and says this is really, really the last time Jonas gets to save the world by destroying it, okay?

It’s a bad habit to get into. Mass destruction is never the answer. It just feels satisfying at the time.

Meanwhile, back in the Prime world, in Adam’s destroyed lair, probably in the 2050s but who really knows, Old and Aging Claudia have one last meeting. Old Claudia fills Aging Claudia in on her day. As she talks, she closes her backpack and we get a glimpse of a rectangular time machine with a golden handle, that we’ve never seen before, probably made from the design Eva passed to Claudia for Tannhaus.

This must be how Claudia travels to worlds we’ve never heard about, where she found the “origin” world. Aging Claudia doesn’t seem to know about the machine. Old Claudia is supposed to be going off to the 50s to die now, so you’d think she’d leave it with her younger self. How many secret lives does she have? Maybe she drops it off with Adult Bernd while she’s in 1954. A bunch of his problems suddenly get solved around that time.

I really like the idea of Claudia and Bernd traveling the time universe together, like a pair of Indiana Jones, if only they would use their powers for good. Or not for evil.

They hug goodbye and Aging Claudia asks Old Claudia to tell their dad, Egon, she’s sorry. Old Claudia reminds her, “If all this works, Regina will live.”

Old Claudia does visit Adult Egon in 1954 to deliver the apology. He has no idea who she is or what she’s talking about until 32 years later, when she watches him die in 1986 without calling for help.

Back to the forest road scene. Bartosz peddles his bike for all he’s worth. Jonas runs to meet them. Old Franziska and Magnus stop Bartosz and Martha. Jonas hides behind a tree and watches.

He’s the Jonas they’re convincing Martha to go save. Did a replacement Jonas already pop into existence to grieve Prime Martha? If Jonas misses her at this junction, and she doesn’t go with Bartosz once she’s outside the house, it would be really awkward for her to find her own dead body alone on the floor when she goes inside. Would she then run to the basement and become a Stranger Martha who zapped the cosmic egg with Claudia for 30 years?

While Martha decides whether to stay or go, Jonas winds up the Time Snitch, puts it in his pocket and runs toward her at full speed. They disappear together just as he reaches her and grabs hold, reappearing in the middle of the bus stop intersection.

Martha is stunned, then extra stunned when she realizes it’s a live Jonas- but not the Jonas she just lost. He’s having his own moment, taking his first good look at Alt Martha. They go through the usual let down of each being a soulmate, but not the soulmate the other one was hoping for.

Jonas explains that they’re on the Prime world, June 21, 1986, the day that “his” world created their worlds.

Jonas: “Tannhaus the clockmaker will open the passage for the first time today. We don’t have much time. We have to stop it from ever happening.”

He looks over at the power plant stacks, then runs into the woods, toward the caves.

Martha: “Wait! What does that mean?”

Words are still bouncing off of ears, though to be fair, no one ever clearly tells anyone the whole truth.

And everyone rushes around, saying there isn’t much time, as if they don’t have time machines in their pockets.

Back to the Alt world. It’s finally the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Adam stands in the Erit Lux HQ, gun in one hand and a lit torch in the other. That’s right. It’s time to burn those poor tortured masterpieces.

Why go through with it, when Adam knows everything is changing? Why not, I ask you? There hasn’t been near enough symbolic fire in this show to suit my tastes (lightning just isn’t the same), though I’d rather see buildings burn than priceless works of art. Burning down the church and Bernd’s mansion every cycle might’ve reduced the tension in town and opened up some productive lines of communication. It always does wonders for the story in 19th century novels.

Anyway, Painting Adam and Eva take the hit. Adam goes back to Eva’s God particle room and prepares to return to his world. Then he pauses, looking thoughtful.

On the Prime world, Jonas and Martha reach the entrance to the cave. Martha asks where they’re going. Jonas says they’re bringing someone back from the dead. She asks what that means. He says it’s hard to explain.

These two need to learn to mindmeld.

He says they need to reach the person they’re saving before they die, a recurring theme. Martha grabs his arm, also a recurring theme between them. And asks again what exactly it is he plans to do.

Jonas finally slows down and treats her like a person, sort of. He doesn’t tell her the whole story. But he does make a more direct appeal, using language he knows she’ll respond to. He turns and stands face to face with her, looking her in the eye. “You and I- we’re the reason that all of this happens, time and time again. Because you can’t let go of what you want and I can’t let go of what I want. But we are the glitch. The glitch in the matrix.”

Martha: “You’re saying that they never existed. Your world and mine. That we never exist.”

He nods his head and turns toward the cave.

This is the truth that the characters haven’t wanted to see and hear, all season long, every time they’ve asked what someone was really saying. This is why the Unknown doesn’t have a name- because he’s simply representative of Tannhaus’ missing granddaughter, whose fate is- unknown. This is the nightmare that’s been underneath all of the other nightmares, from the first episode- the fear that nothing is real. That the origin is a nightmare and the end is nothingness.

What happens, in an existentialist universe, when you discover that you are nothing more than an object in someone else’s world? What if, like Ariadne, you accidentally took center stage, believing you deserved equal time? Do you listen to the one who tells you it’s their world and you need to get out or do you fight for the right to exist?

In the world of Dark, you move over and allow that person to become the star of the world. And then, you allow them to convince you that your entire world should never have existed, because they need to destroy it to save their own world, which they messed up.

In other words, 2 worlds become disposable so that a 3rd world can survive.

Does it actually matter how the 2 worlds were born? They exist now. Why do they matter less than the one world where Claudia wants her daughter to live a beautiful, cancer-free life? In season 1, Jonas’ world wasn’t any more unfixable than ours.

There are real world implications here- this is what happens when poor regions are colonized and polluted so that wealthy regions can maintain their lifestyles without compromising their own environments. This show is encouraging our current model of late stage capitalism that destroys the planet and maintains social inequalities while trying to hide what’s happening behind a poof of golden glitter.

Martha takes a moment to accept the totality of the planetary death sentence Jonas has just shared with her. Then she follows him. Fascism and elitism win again.

Adam walks back into Eva’s lair. She’s waiting for him, since this is how their game usually plays out. He’s decided to mess with her one last time, rather than dying alone. Their love has become a toxic addiction, but it is still love. Fire and lightning burn, but they are still Light.

Try as she might, Claudia has never fully removed them from Love or Light. That’s why they are the ones to cross the bridge, not her. Her connections aren’t True in the same way, not even to herself. The knot may be chaos, but it is also a deepening of familial connections that refuse to be broken. It’s an intensifying of everything that families and love are, creating unbreakable bonds. Claudia’s method is to erase bonds, even within her own family.

We have never seen Regina with her father.

Adam strolls over to Eva, gun in hand. She says she knows why he’s here, and she’s excited to become Young Martha again.

Joke’s on her.

Adam stares at her silently. She tells him to shoot her, reminding him of the steps they take at this point in the cycle. She even pulls the trigger for him, but, like Noah before him, he’s cleverly removed the bullets.

Martha is stunned. It’s as if she doesn’t know that changes can be made in the cycles.

Adam assures her that they’ll both die, along with everything else.

Does NosferAdam ever die, in the normal course of things?

Martha asks what he did this time to screw up her life. Or, actually, her death.

I’m going to transcribe this speech for old time’s sake, because S1 Stranger Jonas is the best of all the Strangers. I will always remember him and Young Jonas as they were on that bench in the graveyard, a pair of sweet guys remembering their beloved dad.

At least Mikkel wasn’t retconned into someone terrible. He is the Sun King to the end.

Adam: Life is a labyrinth. Some wander around inside it until their death, in search of a way out. But there is only one path and it leads ever deeper inside. Only when one reaches the center, will they understand. Death is incomprehensible. But one can reconcile themselves with it.”

Next is the part that normally encourages the listener toward self reflection. That’s not going to happen here, because we are now living out a lie. Apparently we have been for a while, depending on what interpretation you want to take away from the whole thing. As a minotaur and the twisted king of the dying light, Adam goes for the extreme guilt and self-loathing that Claudia and Bartosz spent almost 7 decades instilling in him.

It’s a lovely thing, being a selfless, self-sacrificing person, which Jonas, Martha and Mikkel all have in common. Until a psychopath comes along and exploits you and your lover into becoming suicide bombers who take out a couple of planets. Y’all should go look up Stockholm Syndrome and Patty Hearst.

“All that we’ve done will ultimately be forgotten. We are responsible for this never-ending deja vu. And we’re the ones who have to end it. We are the mistake. You and I. Both of our fates are bound together in eternal damnation. Across both worlds. Everything is cause and effect. Every pain tempts us to act, shapes our will.”

While Adam speaks, Jonas and Martha make their way to the center of the passage. Adam continues, telling Eva about the car accident that drowned Tannhaus’ son and his family. (We’ve never been shown a river in Winden [the body of water is a lake]. The one bridge we’re frequently shown goes over railroad tracks. I don’t know what to make of the idea that their car went off the bridge and into a river.)

Adam: “Jonas and Martha must take his pain away so that he never looks for a way to undo everything. They must go to the origin world and prevent our two worlds from ever being created.”

Notice how this is phrased, at least in English- Jonas and Martha aren’t saving lives. They’re taking away the reason Tannhaus invents time travel and they’re stopping the creation of Jonas’ and Martha’s worlds.

Taking away all of Claudia’s rivals.

We’re shown a 4th version of Tannhaus preparing to start the time machine.

4 attempts to invent time travel=4 worlds?

Part of my 4 worlds theory comes from the triquetra. It has 3 fins and a center space- when it’s used as a Venn diagram, the center is the part that shows what all 3 outer parts have in common. Is the origin world one of the fins or the center world? Or a world that shouldn’t be part of this diagram at all? Did Claudia force it into the mix in order to make it the new Prime world, so she could give it to Regina?

There is a case to be made that Franziska was a chosen one in S1, then she was marginalized and eventually even her voice was taken away, which would make her the 4th chosen one. Martha, Franziska and Bartosz have each taken their turn with red as their color. I don’t think Jonas has worn true red, though he’s associated with burgundy, his painting and with fire. That would make him, with his OG yellow coat, the true Prime, center world.

But the show never went anywhere with the hints about Franziska, such as the bird necklace (equivalent to the St Christopher medal/birds are the equivalent of souls), the box buried under the bridge and her fake death, so never mind. It’s all just Chekov’s blue balls.

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Meanwhile, back at the bunker, sweet old Tannhaus is about to destroy his good world and create two evil worlds, because he’s just too attached to his loved ones. His Will is out of control.

Jonas: “This is the moment the passage was first opened in any world. Tannhaus wanted to travel back to a world in which the death of his family never happened… Anytime now, a bridge will come, connecting all 3 worlds.”

He explains that they need to travel to Tannhaus’ world, back to the moment when his suffering began. As they sit side by side in the passage and wait, he asks her what the Jonas in her world was like. They both cry a little, but she doesn’t tell him that he was supposed to be the Jonas in her world.

Tannhaus turns on the machine again.

Back to to the bunker. Little time sparkles stream through the bunker. This has happened before, during major Time events. The bottom of the time machine sends out a time laser which cuts into the rock below, creating the passage.

Lights flicker in Eva’s lair. Adam and Eva are excited and hug.

The time sparkles flow in 3 separate streams- the past, present and future? Everything whites out for a second, as Time saturates the passage. When Jonas opens his eyes, he is in the Time bridge- there is nothing around him but the time stream. (I thought for a second it was the Speed Force and he was now The Flash.) He calls for Martha, then looks for her. Martha is doing the same.

One end of the time bridge opens up for each of them. At first, it’s blank space. Then, Jonas sees Toddler Martha’s closet gradually materialize. She sees him in the back of her closet, as if he’s somewhere deep in Narnia. Katharina, who is pregnant with Mikkel, asks what Martha is doing. Martha says she sees a sad boy.

Martha sees Toddler Jonas watching her in his basement closet. Adult Mikkel/Michael asks what Jonas is doing. Jonas tells him he sees a girl in the back of the closet. Jonas is wearing a yellow raincoat. Katharina is in red. Both Marthas are in black.

Once the closet doors are shut, Martha and Jonas back up through the time bridge until they find each other. It’s a three way, Y shaped bridge, like the passage. Instead of waiting for the connection to the third world to open up, Jonas takes out the time sphere and sets coordinates. He and Martha walk toward the third arm, disintegrating as they go.

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It’s 1971 in Tannhaus’ clock shop. His son, Marek, is complaining that he always brings up the same things and never listens. “No wonder Mom couldn’t take it anymore.”

Tannhaus says, in a bewildered voice, that he thought Marek would want the store, if not now, then eventually.

Marek: “Your endless lecturing… Big Bang, Big Crunch. Have you ever asked Sonja if she’s interested? In all these years, have you ever asked if I’m interested? Or what I want?”

Tannhaus: “It’s raining outside.”

It’s raining, it’s all HG’s fault, too much science, bad relationships, what are you saying?

Very efficient. That was the entire series dismissed in about a minute.

Wait- Baby Charlotte is wrapped in a red and black blanket. The shop walls are teal. There’s a yellow clock. Here comes the secrets, oceans, and unknown child.

Marek: “You told me the world outside is full of secrets and that what we know is a drop in an unending ocean. At least you were right about that. You may know everything about black holes and Einstein Rosen bridges, but about me- you know absolutely nothing about me.”

Marek walks out. HG tells Sonja he thought they’d stay longer. Sonja assures HG that his son will cool off.

This scene gives you everything you need to know about the mysteries of Dark. Time took a two minute argument in the clock shop and repeated it ad nauseam for 26 episodes. My work here is done.

Okay, I’ll let the angels do the work of the white devil first.

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Marek and Sonja drive away in the rain, toward the bus stop. Sonja tells him he was too hard on his dad. He complains that she has no idea what it was like to grow up with a father who was only interested in big ideas and never really saw him. Sonja reminds him that he can’t choose his family. Marek says he chose her. Sonja says she chose him, too, and they kiss. While Marek is driving the car and Sonja is holding the baby. In the pouring rain.

Jonas and Martha materialize in the middle of the road, next to the bus stop, just as Marek and Sonja reach the intersection. Marek and Sonja are still kissing. He swerves and barely misses Jonas and Martha. He stops the car and gets out to yell at them for standing in the middle of the road.

They stand stiffly and don’t respond immediately, as if they aren’t fully in this world yet. Then Jonas tells Marek that the bridge is closed because of an accident. Marek starts to walk away. Jonas says, “What we know is a drop. What we don’t know is an ocean.” Marek pauses. Martha tells him that his father loves him and would do anything for him.

Marek goes back and asks what they said. At the same time, Sonja gets out and asks what’s going on. They all look at each other, then Marek tells Sonja that the bridge is closed. She hurries him back to the car, since Baby Charlotte is crying and wet. Once they’re back inside, Marek tells her she was right- they should wait to leave until the next day.

Martha and Jonas watch them drive away.

HG is surprised to see them back at the shop. Sonja tells him that Marek thinks he saw a pair of angels. Marek tells her not to mock him. He says he suddenly had this… feeling. HG hugs him and says he’s glad they came back. Marek takes their bags upstairs. Sonja lets HG hold the baby while she follows Marek.

It stops raining. Jonas and Martha are still in the street. Martha wonders if it worked, since they’re still there. Jonas tells her he saw her, as a child, when they were in the light. He thought she could see him too. Martha remembers seeing him in her closet.

Martha: “That was you? It wasn’t a dream.“

Jonas tells her no, it wasn’t.

She wonders if any part of them will be left behind or if they’re just dreams who never really existed. He doesn’t know.

Now that they’ve completed the connections between the worlds by acknowledging their own connections, they begin to slowly dissolve into gold glitter. Jonas steps closer to Martha and says, “You and I are perfect for each other. Never believe anything else.” They hold hands.

The camera reveals that there is no nuclear power plant on this world.

Gosh, what a coincidence. How convenient for Claudia.

One last montage. Versions of Jonas and Martha on all three worlds slowly dissolve while What a Wonderful World by Soap & Skin plays. Once they’ve killed the parasites who saved their lives, everyone else will finally get to live happily ever after without those ugly knots dragging them down.

Adam and Eva hold hands and face the paintings. They don’t have to fight Claudia’s war anymore. Unscarred Stranger Jonas sits on his bed, holding the St Christopher medal. He won’t become Adam this time. Stranger Martha and her chalk family tree disappear from the bunker. The knot is erased. Aging Claudia and her version of the knot on the Prime world also dissolve. On the origin world, the last remnants of Jonas and Martha float into the air. Fade to darkness.

Not light.

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What Just Happened? The Timestream as the Light

That looked to me like a soft reboot, or non-violent cycle change, instead of a hard reboot or violent cycle change, like we usually see, since it didn’t appear that any actual worlds were destroyed and only a few people were involved. They very pointedly showed that all three worlds remained behind- only certain people were removed, including Claudia, who didn’t think she was part of the knot.

Relationships which were connected to the events of the series were erased, regardless of whether Claudia had decided the people involved were genetically part of the knot. But that doesn’t mean the people were erased forever, because by Claudia’s own reasoning, many of the people on her board weren’t part of the knot and shouldn’t have been erased if that was the case.

This suggests to me that the natural order of things was being restored and/or a larger cycle was ending so that a new one could begin, similar to the end of a decade instead of a year. And that the characters’ overall existences are not necessarily tied to the existence of the knot. Instead, they are oversouls who travel within this larger cluster and will continue to be reborn together in various configurations.

But what do I know?

The space bridge that appears is an Einstein Rosen bridge, or wormhole, as discussed by Tannhaus and Jonas in season 1 and mentioned again by Marek. Tannhaus mentioned that Einstein Rosen bridges go in 3 directions through space-time, which this one does.

In one of his TV segments, Tannhaus noted that scientists didn’t know how to get a human through a wormhole. Claudia figured it out. You saturate the humans in the timestream, bind them to their own timelines/worlds and human connections, and bind them to each other’s worlds, so they are immortal chosen ones on their worlds- connect them to True Love and Light.

I’ve previously discussed chosen ones and the various soul connections between characters over time. In the season 2 episode where Martha and Jonas have sex for the first time, Katharina and Mikkel are lying in bed together in the next room, while Ulrich and Hannah have sex downstairs. I suggested then that we were being shown the true soulmate bonds. It appears they are also a soulmate cluster, with Ulrich and Hannah on the periphery.

Though Hannah isn’t on the bridge, she gets the last visual and last word of the season- she is still the all-mother goddess of this universe and her son won’t be denied his place in it. Zeus/Ulrich is represented by the lightning and thunder storm. Just what does he want Torben to continue hiding from the others?

Katharina, Mikkel, Jonas, Martha and the Unknown are all present in the Time bridge. (Martha is pregnant with the Unknown.) Katharina and Unknown are each only represented once, so they are the next closest bonds to Jonas and Martha, which is comforting in the case of the Unknown, given the way those relationships appear in the material world. All 5 characters sacrifice their lives for others. Katharina dies for Ulrich and Mikkel. Like his parents, the Unknown dies a savior’s death, destroying himself and the worlds to save them.

I expected the bridge to go to 3 worlds and that there would be a 3rd person on the bridge with Martha and Jonas. I’m surprised that it’s Mikkel, but now that he’s there, it makes complete sense for it to be him. He’s close family to both Martha and Jonas and has a close, loving bond to both. He died so that Jonas could live on the Prime world and Martha and Jonas conspired to keep him alive on the Alt world.

Like Charlotte in season 2, in season 1 Jonas was sure that the repeating time loops were about him and Mikkel. Maybe they were, before Claudia tampered with them. The fact that Fetus and Adult Mikkel are at the end of 2 arms of the bridge suggests that the 3rd arm should connect to his world, since Toddler and Young Adult Martha and Jonas are shown. Jonas and Martha make Ariadne’s thread type connections with each other’s worlds. It makes sense for them to also be connecting to the Mikkel of 3 worlds.

The bridge opened up for them when they were in the passage and the connections to each other’s worlds opened up by themselves. Logically, the connection at the end of the 3rd arm should have also opened up on its own, given a little more time, and shown them Mikkel. Maybe their alternates would also have been there, at a time when all 3 looked in a closet together. Then they would have completed the connections between the 3 worlds and a portal would have opened to Mikkel’s world.

Instead, Claudia’s machinations were all so that she could hijack this 3rd connection away from the world it naturally connected to. Claudia set up a stable wormhole, then switched the connection to the new, cancer-free world, probably when they use the sphere instead of the portal at the end of the 3rd arm to exit the bridge.

It might have taken the energy of both the bridge and the sphere to get both travelers to the origin world and secure the time energy connection in the way Claudia wanted, since the origin world isn’t similar enough to Jonas & Martha’s worlds to be nearby in the timestream/multiverse. Which is part of why I doubt it’s really the origin world in the way Claudia described. I think that’s a story Claudia made up to sell this mission to Martha and Jonas and the creation of the passage is more like a divergence point with many potential outcomes. By 2020 or 2053, the timelines would have diverged even further from each other and created more branches/timelines.

Once they’re on the 3rd world, Jonas and Martha make emotional connections with Marek, Sonja and Baby Charlotte. When Tannhaus holds Charlotte and then Jonas and Martha acknowledge the new connections, the process is complete.

We know Claudia is a form of the Devil or an opposition goddess, even though she’s seized control. The Unknown wrote the Bible, is the son and willingly sacrificed himself. He’s on the Time bridge in spirit, if you will, as an embryo, and the characters see him as the father of the knot on two worlds. He’s set up as the father/son God to oppose Claudia’s devil/dark mother, but he remains in the background.

In order to write the triquetra diary, which is what Claudia originally followed, the Unknown had to have a form of his own omniscience, observing the entire cycle, every cycle. We are shown that he makes changes and it’s not always clear who he’s working for. Claudia eventually moves beyond him and it’s implied that she visits many other worlds, but her worldview is determined by what she learns from him and she still needs to return home and use the Unknown to enact her final plans.

But, in the end, he remains a mystery. We have no idea what the Prime world was like in the beginning, before time travelers tried to fix it.

Dark is influenced by German Expressionism, an abstract early 20th century style in art and especially film making that leaned toward pessimism and turmoil as themes, using light and shadow, visual distortions and hyperrealism, especially in the expression of emotion. The horror genre has been particularly influenced by German Expressionist films.

But I believe the key to understanding the series as a whole lies in the 1930 German film The Blue Angel, directed by Josef von Sternberg and starring Marlene Dietrich and Emil Jannings. The film made Dietrich a star and was the first of many collaborations between her and the director, the most to date between any actress-star and a single director. It was the beginning of the end of Emil Jannings’ career as a star. He eventually died in a Nazi concentration camp, in a chilling case of life imitating art.

Critics debate whether the film is a true example of German Expressionism. It appears to be so on the surface, telling the Faustian story of a middle class professor who becomes so caught up in his desire for a cabaret singer that he walks out on normal life in order to marry her and join her troupe of traveling entertainers. She’s a femme fatale who can’t be satisfied by one man. Eventually, the protagonist is reduced to working as a clown and living as a public cuckold. When the cabaret troupe returns to his hometown, he visits his old classroom and dies from intensity of the living he’s done.

In this masterful review, Mike Prokosch shows that there is a symbolic layer of Romanticism underlying the film’s pessimistic surface. Though he dies, the protagonist is ultimately better for having pursued his dream, loved and lost, and followed the light in his own way, than he would have been had he allowed himself to continue as a tool of the bureaucratic machine:

“Janning’s pursuit of light, though it leads him into humiliation and death greatens his soul. Sternberg’s emphasis on light-attraction over darkness’ terror, on personal triumph in the middle of degradation, are Romantic themes whose Christian roots are fundamentally opposed to German Expressionism.”

This is what we ultimately find at the end of Dark. Everything the characters do, no matter how dark, they do in pursuit of the Light, the greater good as they see it, to save their loved ones and their own souls from eternal torment or a violent world. In the end, Jonas refers back to the Time bridge, which is made up of the timestream and flows like water, as the Light. He’s able to return to the beginning, when he understood that Love and connection to Light are all that’s necessary.

Along with a little patience.

Claudia doesn’t win. She temporarily hijacks a connection which still exists. I guess she just wanted to see the Promised Land of a world where Regina doesn’t get cancer? You will never convince me that Claudia is able to destroy every world in the multiverse where Regina doesn’t live to 100.

What would be the point, if Claudia understands the true nature of the universe? (I don’t think she does- I think that might be the point. She’s so caught up in her own ambition that she doesn’t understand the nature of the cosmic consciousness, reincarnation of the soul rather than the persona or the world outside Plato’s Cave. She figures out some of the the mechanics, but nothing more.)

Regina is always going to die eventually, then be reborn. Which is why I think Claudia’s underlying goal was to steal credit for inventing time travel, then enjoy the control and accolades that brings her, with the side benefit of watching Regina live a longer life, removing Claudia’s guilt for being a neglectful mother who kept Regina’s father from her.

I have a feeling the Unknown reset a few things of his own, but we’ll never know. Except for that dream Grandma Hannah has…

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The lights come back up on a stormy night in the origin world. A group of friends is having dinner at Hannah’s house, which is now Regina’s house. Regina has a photo of herself with her parents, Claudia and Bernd, on a side table. They look like a close, happy family. Regina is a teenager in the photo.

Katharina, Peter, Benni, Torben and Hannah toast to Regina. Benni thanks Regina for the invitation. Everyone looks great. Hannah is pregnant. Torben (whose name means “the thunder god’s bear”) has scarring under his eye, but otherwise he seems intact. The others ask him to explain what happened to his eye. He starts to say, “Last summer…” But his voice is drowned out by thunder and the lights go out.

Hannah is spooked by the thunder. She stares at the yellow raincoat by the stairs and says she had deja vu. All of this is just like a dream she had last night- the storm, the lights, the darkness… “Then the world had ended. It was dark and never became light again. It felt good for everything to end and to be free of everything. No wants, no needs. Unending darkness. No yesterday. No today. No tomorrow. Nothing.”

Benni tells her she should see someone about it. Hannah tells Benni it’s just the pregnancy hormones.

Regina asks what they would wish for, if they only had one wish at the end of the world. Katharina says she’d wish for a world without Winden. They all drink to that. The lights come back on.

Katharina asks what they’re going to name the baby. Hannah says she’s always liked the name Jonas.

Sounds like Jonas is happy where he is. He finally found the exit.

Or did he? There are blue butterflies on the lampshade next to the yellow raincoat, symbols of resurrection since ancient times. Maybe Jonas has left yellow and green behind, ascending into blue.

Now it’s Bartosz’s turn with the Yellow Raincoat of Fate. (Regina and Aleksander will find each other in every timeline, come what may. Never believe anything else.)

Or maybe the raincoat and butterflies are meant for Regina. She has 3 red candles/Ariadne’s red threads behind her head and she asks for her friends’ wishes. Is she Fate on this world?

1986 Ulrich first wished for a world without Winden in season 1, episode 3, while sitting in the Bus Stop of Fate with Hannah, 5 months after the power plant accident, the day after Mikkel came back from the future.

Have a video of Marlene Dietrich singing Falling in Love Again from the film The Blue Angel, instead of the recently overused and tonally out of place Wonderful World. And then a mini playlist for the heck of it.

In my mind, Adam and Eva slow dance and sing Falling in Love Again to each other as they dissolve. And then somehow we transition to Lorde’s version of Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Claudia’s theme song.

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Commentary

Images courtesy of Netflix.

Dark Season 3 Episode 8: The Paradise Recap- Michael dies again, Jonas startles awake again. Claudia explains it all, then convinces Jonas and Martha to take a star bridge into space. The End. #DarkNetflix The end is the beginning and the beginning is the end. Michael dies again, Jonas startles awake again.

#Dark #dystopia #Lisa Vicari #Louis Hofmann #metacrone #Mystery #netflix #recaps #review #science fiction #scifi horror #The Paradise

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