#after wearing the same sports bra for like 10 years. this new shit feels like a chestplate

[cherrydott]

oingo boingo

[nardo-headcanons]

My Roommate can't possibly be Sasuke Uchiha!

tags: crack fic, abusive neighbors, slight angst character(s): Sasuke Uchiha Chapter 1 - Arrival and Departure

I looked at my mobile phone. Five o'clock already. "Shit," I cursed to myself as I hastily gathered my sports clothes. Well, good start to the new year. After refilling my water bottle, I looked around for a suitable bag. After a moment's consideration, I decided on my black, large training bag with the Naruto logo, which I had bought at a GameStop with my miserable pocket money when I was 13. While I put on my shoes, I glanced at my report card from last year's semester, which was full of A's and B's. It was ironic that I had so little control over my life after being at the top of my class in several subjects. I think, when I had bought my Naruto sports bag, I had hoped for more.

I had to hurry now or I would miss the bus. To be honest, I wouldn't mind taking the bike either, however, my last one was stolen by some wankers after a few days. And it was already a goddamn piece of junk. To make matters worse, I saw the bus already turning at the intersection. I briefly considered if I should run.

Sitting on the bus completely out of breath, I took my headphones out of my bag and turned on my commuting playlist. Bless the inventor of noise cancelling.

The workout at the gym was pure torture. All around me were wiry musclemen with six-pack abs giving me unsolicited weight loss advice and women in fancy sports bras who had more strength in their little finger than I had in my arm. While I pedalled my legs off on the gym bike, telling myself that the fact that I was panting like a coati was good for my heart, I looked at the TV on the wall. "Inflation in Europe is at a record high. In this quarter alone, food prices have risen by an average of 10%," the presenter began. My headphones had unfortunately gone dead during the journey, which is why I listened to this depressing news channel to distract myself. "The Putin regime has not commented on the renewed bombings in Odessa. There were a total of 22 people killed" I switched to the leg press. This workout will reward me with some serious muscle soreness.

After the workout, I bought a protein bar at the counter. I especially liked the ones filled with peanut butter. At the price of 4 euros for a measly bar that weighed less than 50 grams, my guts tightened. Maybe I should start making these things myself.

Freshly showered and changed, I made my way back home while the moon watched me clamber awkwardly up the stairs to my flat. The whole way home I somehow had the feeling that I was being watched. However, I couldn't see anything in my surroundings.

I went to sleep with the same queasy feeling.

I couldn't believe it. It was Sunday morning and some arsehole dared to ring me out of bed at 7am. Was it my neighbours? A repairman? Actually, I hadn't made an appointment, so it couldn't be. I wasn't expecting any mail either. While still wearing my pyjamas and bonnet, I looked through my peephole and opened the front door. "What's up?"

Standing in front of me was a young man, around 16, with night-black hair and brown eyes. He reminded me a little of Sasuke from Naruto. However, his clothes looked like he picked them up from the nearest dumpster. "I am Sasuke Uchiha. You must help me."

After two seconds of processing what I had just heard, I closed the door as quickly as I had opened it. It couldn't be. He's probably a cosplayer or something. The doorbell rang again. The guy was still standing there. "Hey, open up please!" He drummed on my door. Armed with my pepper spray, I opened again. The man looked me in the eye. His jet black eyes had turned a red colour. "That looks fancy," I replied, unimpressed. It was only when the black tomoe moved that I realised what kind of situation I was in. "What the hell? Why isn't my genjutsu working on you! Are you immune?" I quickly sprayed the entire contents of my pepper spray in his face. Frantically, he rubbed his eyes and cried out. "Bloody hell, what was that all about?!" I opened the chain-secured security crack of my door. "What do you want from me! Aren't you supposed to be in Konoha?!" I was stunned. Was this reality right now? Is this the real Sasuke Uchiha? What is he doing here? What does he want from me? This has to be a dream, right?! While I counted my fingers and painted one clock face after the other, Sasuke groaned from the pain and Mr Kaluschke, my neighbour from the mezzanine, opened his door. Even though I couldn't see him right now, I could picture him waltzing up to his door in his boxers and singlet. " Landmann!" he yelled "Now will ya shut the fuck up or do ya want me to come the fuck on up there?!!" The Sasuke imposter piped up. "You're the only one who can help me here!" Without much thought, I took him by the sleeve and pulled him to me in the flat. Trouble with Kalushke was the last thing I needed in this situation.

To keep a clear head so I could think about how to deal with the fact that I might have Sasuke Uchiha himself in my flat right now, I had locked him in my bathroom and backed myself up against the door. "You know I could break out of here at any time, right?" he spat sarcastically. "If you do, I'll throw you out in the streets," I hissed. Silence. "I want you to put water in the bathtub and stand on it. If you really are Sasuke, then that shouldn't be a problem." Sasuke did as instructed and I soon heard water running into the bathtub.

After a while I heard a dull rumble. A glance through the door slit told me that Sasuke had sat down in the bathroom leaning against the door. "Why are you here in this world?"

"Kakashi sent me here. He was going to use a jutsu on me and apparently something went wrong."

"You mean Kamui?", I asked, trying to make a connection.

"Yes."

"Hmm."

I pulled my knees closer to my body. "And why did you follow me?"

"I looked around and realised from your bag that you were from Konoha."

Now it hit me. My sports bag, which I had taken to the gym, must have been his only clue. Silence again. Sasuke said no more. I felt sorry for him. Having been taken to a completely different universe without warning, no one with him that he knew. "I'm so sorry, I'm actually not a Konoha shinobi. There is no Konoha in this world, and no shinobi either." He turned off the water. When I opened the door of the bathroom, I saw him standing on the surface of the water. "Is that proof enough?!" he barked offendedly. Now there was no doubt. In front of me was the real Sasuke Uchiha. Perplexed as to what to do now, I placed two towels and a bottle of shower gel before him. "Take a bath first, okay? Then we'll figure it out."

In the kitchen, I sat down at the kitchen table and typed "Sasuke Uchiha favourite food" into Google. Narutopedia immediately provided me with ideas: Onigiri and tomatoes. Therefore, I dug out my rice cooker from the kitchen cupboard and washed some sushi rice while Sasuke was still in the bathroom. Afterwards, I cut some leftover tomatoes into bite-sized pieces and put them on a big plate. Sasuke was surely starving. After filling and shaping the onigiri, I placed the plate on a tray along with a large cup of green tea with the corny inscription "Happiness is what you make". To be honest, I only got it because it can hold a whole can of tea. I then knocked on the bathroom door. There was no answer. "I have made you something to eat. Take all the time you need." I put the tray down next to the door and went into the living room. There, I sat down to my lab report, which I had been putting off for a week now. After two hours, I heard the bathroom door close. The plate and the cup had been emptied. As I went to open the bathroom door to get my toothbrush, I realised he must have locked it. "Sasuke? Will you please pass me my toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash?" No answer. I sighed. "You'll find spare toothbrushes in the cupboard above the sink." Once again I heard the bathroom door and before it stood my tumbler of toothbrush and mouthwash. After brushing my teeth over my kitchen sink, I continued to work on my lab report. There was still a lot to do. Just as I was groaning in despair because I had once again forgotten an equal sign in my Excel spreadsheet, Sasuke came into the living room. I looked up from my table. He said nothing else and sat down on the couch. Looking around, he saw something on my shelf. "Why is my face on there?" It was a dusty Naruto manga. I hadn't read that one in years. Before I could stop him, he grabbed the book and flipped through it. "I remember this," he began, but then stopped when he saw the drawings of himself as a Ge-Nin, riddled with Haku's ice needles. "Naruto became a fox after I was unconscious?" I nodded.

"Does that mean," he quivered, "in this world I'm just a manga character?" His hands trembled. I looked sadly at the ground. There was nothing I could say. No words of mine could have comforted him. He sank to the ground. "All the things I had to go through, all the pain, is fictitious, for entertainment?"

Sasuke spent the rest of the day on the couch, buried in my old manga. Along the way, I tried to get advice on social media. Unfortunately, all I got were questions like "What would his perfect girlfriend look like?" and "Does he actually have a thing for Naruto?" As a result, I quickly abandoned the search for guidance. Towards the evening, I feverishly considered where Sasuke could sleep. "Unfortunately, I only have one bed…" Sasuke folded his arms. "That shouldn't be a problem, should it?" Then an idea hit me. "Wait, actually..!" ... He made himself comfortable on the couch. I handed him a T-shirt I had once borrowed from my grandpa. "Here, you can wear this to sleep." Before I disappeared from the living room, he called me back. "Hey!" I looked at him. He peered straight down at the carpet. "Thanks for all this" "Just don't break anything, will you?" With those words I left the room.

In bed I tossed and turned, my thoughts on Sasuke. How had he gotten here? What was there with Kakashi's Kamui? What would happen next? By two o'clock in the morning, the realisation that brooding now would not provide me with any answers had finally entered my head and I fell asleep.

[ciaossu-imagines]

Omg hiii lovely! Hearing about your dream wedding with Skull just warmed my heart so much omg 🥹 I would be bawling with happiness seeing y’all get matching wedding bands tattooed together 😭🤍 your unconscious mind was onto something with that one :’)

I just thought I’d drop in to share that my villain origin story was ~10 years ago I had this wild dream that I rigged a beauty pageant and stole the crown just to go rob a giant department store after 💀 and.. Squalo was there, he was my husband? and he asked me to steal pick him up a new coat while I was at the shops and then basically went “k congrats on the trophy b see ya later”

he’s revisited me a few times in my dreams since, but my favourite had to be this one dream where he was wearing the new fur coat and we were attending a ball 😅 and it was fine until the whole building started kabooming (I could go into detail about how but it would be like a poorly described director’s cut inception-esque shitty action movie)

My dreams tend to be really entertaining and ridiculous whenever I remember them, and I love when my brain just sprinkles in the squalo husband subplot 🤤 another really cute moment was when he was sooo annoyed about me taking my hoodie off to check the tag, because I only had a sports bra or something underneath and he was so grumbly and standing in front of me to cover my shameless ass from the view of the public 🧍🏻‍♂️ SO CLEARLY my subconscious mind is not letting me cease my simping for this fictional character I hope my husband visits me again soon🫡

Aaanyway, thank you for opening up a space for me to blab, please take care of yourself amidst the busy work schedule! All my best wishes xoxo🫀🖤🩸🤍

Admin Says: Okay, first off, noooo thank you for coming into the space and sharing this because it is wild, hilarious, amazing, and cute all at the same time and I loved it so, so much! And thank you for the well wishes for work. It's hectic - the walk-in clinic operates out of the same building our pharmacy does and they just extended their hours, and where it's nearly impossible to get a family doctor around here, a lot of people use it and then come get their scripts filled with us and of course nobody wants to come back to pick up and they won't understand why we can't just do their prescriptions right away…anyway, nope, no venting about work! Not when we can talk about this submission because oh my god. I thought my dreams were crazy and vivid and wonderful at times!

I have just so many questions on this and I feel it could legit be made into a movie and audiences would flock to watch it. Though this…this is a villain origin story I could get behind. One, beauty pageant crowns deserve to be stolen and that whole system is already rigged beyond belief so I fully support dream you in getting in there and making mischief! Was the crown necessary to rob the bank? Or was it just a case of…well, I committed this crime, let's see what other ones I can pull off? I love husband Squalo just being chill about it too and just being like 'need a new coat, can you grab me one with all that stolen cash, oh and your crown is fucking minty and you look good, babe'. Also, totally agree with your mind on the fact that Squalo definitely seems like the fur coat kind of person.

Also….I love the dream about the ball and you and Squalo attending it when shit just starts to blow up. Begs the question why everything started to go kaboom? Was it random or were you guys behind it? Did the pagentry theivery and robbing a bank kick off a grand run of you and Squalo going Bonnie and Clyde on everyone?? The world needs to know hahaha!!!

But seriously, you and Squalo are so cute in all your dreams and I love it so much. Fun fact, but your dream husband is my fictional found family in KHR and the one who walks me down the aisle in anything wedding related in my mind so like…I just support that man having an amazing spouse like you!!

[dashhoney25]

E. Part V

Hazel

Rolling over in bed next to Adonis was the highlight of your night. Sighing in satisfaction, you watched as he rubbed his face in his sleep. He opened his eyes and smirked at you. "What are you looking at?" he questioned. You chuckled, "Oh nothing" you said sitting up in bed.

"You tired yet?" he questioned. "I am, my body is starting to feel it" you say. "Well good" Adonis says pulling you into a kiss. You stared in his eyes and felt that spark that you once felt with Erik. You pulled away and looked away from him. "You okay?" He asks. "Yeah, I just felt a little weird for a minute" you say hoping he'd leave it alone. Adonis plays in your hair a moment and sighs.

"You know I gotta go. I told you I got a client in a few hours. I need to rest" Adonis replies getting out of bed slowly. You take his hand and began kissing up his arm you sit up on your knees and grip his shoulders as you use his back for support. "I thought you said we could ride to the gym together in the morning Donnie?" you question sweetly. Adonis smirks, you can see the dimples forming on the side of his face.

He turns to face you and cups your face with a kiss. "Just come by at 8:30 baby girl" he says. Your eyes were low and your body was starting to give out. You could no longer sit on your knees, so you had to sit on the bed. Adonis leaned down to grab for his boxers, as he came up, you grabbed his pleasure stick instead. "I know I don't have anything left in my body to give you, but D, it's 3am. Just leave when the sun comes up" you bargained with him. "I wish I could Haze, but I have a client in three hours. Let me get some sleep. I promise I'll give you what you want at the gym" Adonis replied as he gently removed your hands from his member.

You sighed in displeasure as you watched Adonis get dressed. You tucked yourself in bed and watched as he finished. Adonis climbed into the bed and gave you a sweet goodnight kiss. "I'll be back for you Princess, walk me out?" He questioned sweetly. You huffed in frustration, and grabbed your silk robe before getting out of bed. "You could walk me out without the robe" Adonis says playfully. "If you were staying, I wouldn't have to wear anything" you replied following him to the door. Adonis paused and looked at you. "What?" you question as you reached for the door handle.

"I told you I got you in the morning Princess" Adonis says placing his hands on your hips, kissing your neck. You let go of the handle and faced him. "It is morning" you whisper. Adonis places a kiss on your cheek and grabs the door handle. "See you at 8:30" he says before leaving.

Locking the door, you walk back to your bedroom, alone. You take off your robe and climb in bed. You turn off the light and caress the empty side of the bed. Taking in the sandalwood scent of Adonis on the pillow, you feel comfort, you feel as if he's still there with you; you can feel his hands on you. As the aroma filled your nose, you eventually drift off to slip.

The next morning you wake up feeling brand new. Your journey of being abstinent for a year has ended, and it never crossed your mind that Adonis would be the culprit of that. You felt like a part of Erik was still present in your life, though that had been filled with Adonis; but only the thought of Erik could take you so far. You got out of bed and took a long hot shower to relax your sore muscles; Adonis had put you through it after multiple rounds.  Thirty minutes later you come out of the shower, and dried off. You rummaged through your closet for some yoga pants, sports bra, and a matching jacket. Getting dressed, you found your favorite pair of Nike's and threw your hair into a messy bun. You grabbed your small gym bag, water bottle, keys and phone and headed out the door.

Pulling up to Adonis' gym, you decided to hang back a moment and check your phone to reply to text messages when you saw a black SUV pull up at the gym. You see Adonis getting out of the car and then a female. You flip up your sun visor and notice that the woman is Jade. Jade kisses Adonis and hands him a wad of cash. Your heart instantly dropped. "What the fuck!" You said to yourself feeling your blood boil. Your first instinct was to get out of your car and raise hell, but you decided to let the two carry on before parting ways. You waited 10 minutes before getting out of your car, refusing to bring your workout bag inside with you.

You walked into the gym and found Adonis warming up doing some light deadlifts. You take a seat on the workout bench, not saying a word. "Good morning, how are you?" he asks putting the weights down. "I'm okay" you say nonchalantly taking off your jacket, laying it across the bench. Adonis walks over and pulls you into a hug, you were reluctant to hugging him, pulling away you notice hickeys on his neck. "You get any sleep when I left?" he questioned. You push him away and walk off. "What's wrong?" he questions. "What the fuck D!" You ask trying to hold back your emotions. "What you mean?" he questions. You sighed and looked up at him as he takes off his tank top, "So how was your appointment this morning?" you asked in a snarky tone. Adonis showed his dimples quickly, "So you missed me huh? That's why you keep asking about my time away from you?" Adonis asks in a cocky tone.

"Don't bullshit me Adonis, I saw you kissing Jade when I came in. What the hell was she doing giving you money?!" you yelled at him, not holding back the tears that began to form. Adonis wasn't a fan of your tears, he looked away from you and kept a solemn expression on his face. He went silent. "Answer me Donnie!" You say walking to him, standing in front of him as he was about to pick up another set of weights. "Why you questioning me?! I'm not Erik. Why you thinking so much?" he barks. Your eyes read disappointment as he struggled to look you in the eye, you lifted his chin, "What's up with these?" You said referring to his neck, "I wasn't the cause of this before you left me this morning Adonis! Did you fuck her?" Adonis snatched his face from your hand. You instantly walked away in disgust and he caught you; holding you.

"Just let me go Adonis! It was a waste of my time coming here" you said as the tears finally fell from your eyes. "I'm not tryna hurt you Hazel. This morning was great, and I want more of that. Why you think I asked you to come here first thing?" Adonis questioned. "First thing?" You questioned as your eyes got wide, "You left me this morning to sleep for three hours just to go have sex with somebody else! And you have the audacity to act like it didn't happen when I saw Jade kiss you, she gave you money, and you have hickeys Adonis! Fucking hickeys that I didn't leave!" You say in a higher octave. You felt like everything left your body in that moment and you snatched away from Adonis. You wiped your face and adjusted your messy bun, you walked over to the bench to grab your jacket. Adonis was speechless, he couldn't say anything.

"I'm gonna go" you say in a somber tone before leaving.

Adonis

As Hazel left the gym, for the first time in a long time, I knew that I fucked up. I've been doing this shit for too long, and I'm too swift to get caught. Hazel was different, and I knew that everything would change if I ever crossed the line with her. Never did I think that we would get this close, considering that she's "in love" with my brother. I should've known when I made the move last night that things would never be the same, I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I shouldn't have given it to her the way that I did.

I called up Erik and asked him to meet me at my gym. Twenty minutes later, Erik arrives and we sit down in my office. "So what's up bro?" Erik says taking a seat. I wiped my face and sighed. "I don't know if I can do this shit anymore" I say shaking my head. "What do you mean? What happened?" Erik asks. "You and Hazel need to talk this shit out. I can't be in the middle like this, she's starting to question the fuck out of me" I said looking down. Erik chuckled, "She doing you how she doing me huh?" Erik asked arrogantly. I rolled my eyes, "Had I not fucked, I wouldn't be in this shit!" I barked. Erik squared his eyes at me, as if he didn't expect my admission. "Damn, she really let you have it huh? She probably was thinking of me the whole time" Erik said in a cocky tone. "I'm not about to go back and forth with you about what she felt, but all I know is she didn't want ya boy to leave this morning & that's facts" I said shrugging my shoulders.

Erik seemed uncomfortable and looked away from me. "So what you call me here for?" Erik asked rudely. "Look E, you and Hazel need to squash this shit. I'm missing out on money because of you!" I said. "We had a deal! If you kept Hazel at bay and give her what I couldn't, whatever money I make off these appointments, I'd give you that. So what's the problem?" Erik asked.

My brother always had an ego problem, he knew his ability to service women was impeccable, but before I put him on; I had a high clientele.  "You get to fuck other women every night, and I have to watch my back if I'm not with Hazel! Come on bro! I'm not with this shit. And how do I know if you out here keeping your word? I had at least 4 women a day" I replied. "So you counting my pockets now? I told you I got you. I just can't do this shit with Hazel right now, she's too much and you know it. I got love for her but what she wants from me, I'm not ready to give her that; I'm definitely not about to give up what I got going on" Erik says running his hands through this dreads. "What makes you think I want to give this shit up either?! I can't run this gym without clients! I can't make any money if I'm caught out in the streets with her!" I said angrily.

Erik rolled his eyes. "Bro, I got you! I told you from day one ever since you put me on that we'd make more money together since we twins. And look what happened, you got your business and I'm still enjoying the fruits of my labor. Nobody can tell the difference between us but Hazel. You really think you gone lose clients if you're seen with her? If anything they'll just think that I cut my hair" Erik said in a chill tone.

My brother really is an ass at times, he doesn't think before he speaks. "Chill with the funny shit. You fucking up my money. How do I know you're not with any of my clients?" I questioned. "What does it matter? You making your money, and I'm fucking them!" Erik responded sharply. I grabbed the bridge of my nose, "She caught me with Jade this morning, and you know we were all together at the lounge last night" I admitted.

"And! Just because you fucked her this morning, and came back and hit Jade what's the problem? I've hit all of Hazel's friends and she doesn't seem to mind it!" Erik said nonchalantly. "This is different E, she was hurt. I ain't one to get caught, but I stayed longer than planned last night and I shouldn't have. I only got 3 hours of sleep, if that!" I admitted. "You should've just cancelled that shit with Jade and stayed with Hazel; that would've avoided this entire conversation right there!" Erik said. I hit my fist on the desk out of frustration. "You always think shit is a joke Erik. I'm not tryna get hurt over yo dumb ass. Either you tell this girl that we're involved an escort business, or I will" I demanded.

[wheresmynaya]

Two Ghosts Ch.21 | Brittana

Yes, you’re seeing that correctly LOL. I’m determined to turn 2020 around, at least through writing fics! I will also (try very hard to) update weekly. 

Available on ff.net (x) ao3 (x) & below the cut!

The wheels of the plane from New Haven barely hit the tarmac before Quinn is texting Santana and Brittany to ask if they want to grab a coffee. Santana figures Quinn must be dying to know what happened with Alex because she sure didn’t call Quinn up to tell her. She also highly doubts Brittany had the time to do it either.

They’ve both been…busy.

Not like that, they’ve just had their own things to deal with. You know, private feelings.

Like knowing Britt still loves her after all these years and Santana wanting to do things right this time. Brittany had teased Santana about being courted, but Santana kind of liked the idea of taking things slow. There were still so many things about Brittany she didn’t know and the thought of learning her all over again sounded nice.

Brittany P. – You free to meet up with Q?

Santana sees the text from Brittany and it makes her smile. It’s so reminiscent of their high school days when Quinn would message the Unholy Trinity group chat but Santana and Brittany would text each other on the side to confirm what they wanted to do first before replying. They’ve grown so much over the years, but the text just shows Santana that some things never do change. Do they?

Santana L. – Yeah, hbu?

Brittany P. – Yup!

Santana swipes into the group chat and sends a text agreeing to meet up which is closely followed by Brittany saying the same. Quinn’s all too quick to provide the when and where before Santana sets off to get dressed. She’s nearly made it to her closet when her phone goes off again. It’s a private text from Brittany.

Brittany P. – I’m glad you’re free. I’ve kinda missed your face.

Santana feels a heat rise up the back of her neck and cover the apples of her cheeks upon reading the text. She quickly types out a reply, trying to keep her cool.

Santana L. – It’s only been like…2 days?

Brittany P. – 2 days too long!

And just like that, Santana feels like a silly school girl again blushing over a cute text from Brittany. She remembered at time back in high school when Brittany would make it her mission during class to break Santana’s bitch face with an onslaught of cute texts that she would totally make fun of if they had come from anyone else but Britt. Sometimes she’d send corny pick-up lines or puns are just straight compliment the crap out of her. Either way, Santana never stood a chance.

She was like putty in Brittany’s hands.

Apparently after all this time, she still is.  

She ruffles up her hair and positions the camera towards her. She gives it a cheeky grin and snap the selfie before sending it off to Brittany, followed by a text.

Santana L. – Don’t want to deprive you of this beautiful mug.

Brittany texts back almost instantly.

Brittany P. – hubba hubba!

A picture of herself sporting the cheesiest of grins accompanies the new text and Santana laughs at the combination. She makes a point to set the picture as Brittany’s new Caller Id later.

\\

When Santana steps outside, she’s surprised by how cold it is. With years of having to wear a Cheerios skirt no matter the weather and 5 years worth of living in New York, Santana was pretty immune to the cold but today seemed to be a dramatic drop in temperature.

Then again, now that it was December could she really be that surprised? She let that thought sit with her for a moment as she slid into her Honda. December already? Time was flying by, the school years was nearly halfway over!

What is she going to do after?

She hadn’t really given it too much thought. She figured she would head back to New York, but things were changing. It wasn’t just her future anymore, it was Brittany’s too. And maybe she’s jumping the gun a little, fast-forwarding that far ahead after she told Britt she wanted to take things slow, but that talk would have to come up eventually, wouldn’t it?

Santana shakes away the thoughts, they’re too heavy for the lack of caffeine in her system, and sets them on the back burner for now before she goes to start her car. She twists the key in the ignition and surprise surprise it doesn’t roar to life.

“Seriously?” Santana frowns and tries again but it’s no use. Her little Honda refuses to start up. She lets out a sigh and glances over to the empty spot in the driveway where her mom’s SUV is usually parked if Maribel didn’t happen to be at work right now. Santana rolls her eyes and tries to start the car one more time before giving up.

It feels a bit like déjà vu; Santana’s car refusing to work right before the first Unholy Trinity meeting at the beginning of the school year which ended up making her late. She had felt so bad for making her friends wait for her and here she was about to do it again. Back then she had to figure out her useless car on her own, but again, things were different.

Santana heads back inside for warmth and fishes her phone out from her purse before making the call.

“Hey Santana!” Brittany greets enthusiastically, albeit slightly out of breath. The sound makes Santana’s mouth go dry, remembering other times where Brittany sounded just as breathless.

“Hey Britt! Are you…running?”

“Kind of,” Brittany answers through a chuckle, “What’s up?”

“Do you think I could catch a ride with you to meet up with Quinn?” Santana asks a little nervously, “My car is being a piece of shit again and refusing to do the one thing it was built to freaking do.”

“It’s probably just mad at you for still not taking it in,” Brittany teases her, “But yeah, I can totally pick you up! Be around in 10?”

“Thanks Britt,” Santana grins, “I’ll see you soon.”

“Kay bye!”

It’s ridiculous to think how all of a sudden Santana’s heart starts beating a little faster and her movements become more fidgety in anticipation for Brittany to come over. She really wishes she could get a grip, but after everything that happened on Thanksgiving and their talk after seeing Alex it’s hard to control. She couldn’t get over the fact that Britt still loved her and they still had a chance to make things right. She couldn’t believe it, after all the years of struggling and pushing away those feelings, there was still something there for them.

Britt had said that her body wakes up whenever she’s around Santana and now Santana totally gets it.

Santana’s body wakes up around Brittany too and she has missed that feeling so much.

\\

There are a couple knocks at the front door, but she doesn’t have to check to know that it’s Brittany. Other than the fact that Santana knew she would be coming, Brittany still taps the same signature rhythm with her knuckles.

“Hey, I would’ve-“ Santana’s words get caught as her eyes land on Brittany.

Her blonde hair falls from her messy bun in cute tendrils, something that’s prone to happening whenever Brittany breaks a sweat. In fact, she glistens and steam rises from the top of her head against the cold air. Santana wonders how the hell she isn’t freezing, but she can’t comprehend much as her eyes start to rake up Brittany’s body on their own.

She’s dressed in baggy red sweat pants and a black sports bra that’s damp with sweat and it’s barely covered by the pathetic excuse for a t-shirt. The material is so thin it’s practically see through and Santana can literally count each one of Brittany’s abs.

Santana’s swallows dryly because woah.

Brittany’s still got it. Then again, did she ever really lose it? Apparently not, she just got hotter.

There’s a muffled chuckle that brings Santana’s eyes to meet mischievous blues. Brittany smirks and adjusts the strap of her duffle bag on her shoulder. Santana didn’t even realize she was carrying it.

“Hey Santana.”

“Sorry, hey Britt. Come in,” Santana gestures, not wanting Britt to catch a cold with the lack of clothes she has on, “Why are you so…sweaty?”

“My dance class ran a little late so I didn’t have time to get ready there,” Brittany explains, “Could I change here?”

Santana begins to picture Brittany’s lithe body breaking it down in dance class and god since when did she become such a desperate mess? She blames the lack of sex and Brittany.

She thinks how they kind of go hand in hand, but she quickly pushes that thought away.

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Did you want to shower too?”

“I should,” Brittany says, “Class was really intense today.”

“I can see that,” Santana comments without thinking but covers it with a smile, “Go shower. I’ll tell Quinn we’ll be late.”  

“Thanks,” Brittany grins and presses a kiss to Santana’s cheek as she walks by.

Santana turns and watches as Brittany head up the stairs, a dopey grin filing her face as her eyes land on Brittany’s perfect ass.

\\

That dopey grin is replaced by something of annoyance as Santana and Brittany sit across from Quinn at Starbucks a little later. Brittany is busy talking about her class and how they can incorporate some of the elements into their set for Sectionals since it’ll be coming up soon, but Santana can’t focus with how Quinn keeps glancing between her and Brittany so analytically.

Quinn’s itching to say something, Santana can tell, but she won’t interrupt Brittany when she’s speaking so passionately. She stays engaged and listens intently, but Santana knows the minute Brittany stops it’ll be fair game and she’s not ready for all that.  

It makes Santana nervous; not because she wants to hide whatever is going on between her and Brittany, but because it’s too new to hash out over lattes. It was literally a day ago that they were even suggesting picking up their thing again, so Quinn would just have to wait until they sorted everything out themselves.

Santana holds out a little hope though. Quinn’s a lot more mature now than she was in high school, softer even, but she’s still the same ole’ Quinn in some aspects and Santana really doesn’t want to lure her out with talking about relationships.

But of course it’s a difficult topic to dodge when Alex is brought up. Santana and Brittany explain everything that happened at Frank’s and where Alex is now. It was already hard to miss the similarities between Alex and Santana, but it’s even more so now. It’s common knowledge so Santana’s glad that neither Quinn nor Brittany decided to delve into that. Instead Quinn says how thankful she is that Santana and Britt were around to help Alex and she’s a little upset that she missed out.

Quinn talks about being mentors and wanting to have a positive impact on the squad, something that was hit or miss when they were all in school because Sue could be so horrible and it wasn’t a secret that Mr. Schue had his favorites.

They could all agree that they wanted to do better if they could help it. When Quinn says she thinks Santana and Brittany did a great job with Alex and would make Ms. Holliday proud, Santana nearly gets choked up if she weren’t so badass. Ms. Holliday helped her and Brittany through so much so to be compared to her is a lot for Santana. If it weren’t for her, it would’ve taken her way longer to come to terms with her feelings. Maybe she never would’ve?

She owed Ms. Holliday everything.

Brittany thanks Quinn for them though and nuzzles into Santana’s side for a hug like she can sense Santana’s struggle. Santana’s grateful but she can’t help but smile at the scent of her shampoo wafting from Brittany’s hair, reminding her further of their new closeness. She catches Quinn’s analytical eye again and quickly turns up the snark.

“Who knew the holidays could turn you into a big softy, Quinnie.” Santana comments as Brittany pulls away. She already misses the warmth but she miraculously keeps from frowning about it.

Quinn just rolls her eyes and smirks, “You’re one to talk, Satan.”  

\\

After a refill, Quinn goes on to ask how everyone’s Thanksgiving went. Santana really feels like Quinn is trying to set her up here. Or maybe, Santana’s just feeling a little paranoid because Quinn always has that look like she knows something you don’t.

It seems that Santana’s the only one that’s trying to make it a bigger deal than it is, because Brittany easily fills Quinn in on how great it was to spend Thanksgiving with Santana and Maribel. She excitedly goes over the events of the night, but thankfully leaves out the more intimate details.

“I’m glad you didn’t have to spend it alone, Britt,” Quinn comments genuinely then looks to Santana, “It sounds like you guys had a lot of fun. I knew including Britt would be a good idea!”

Santana bites her cheek and narrows her eyes. She knows Quinn isn’t trying to be a pain in her ass on purpose judging by her tone, but the way she’s always silently rooting for them is embarrassing and makes Santana feel jittery. But more importantly, Brittany wasn’t aware of the fact that Santana had been considering inviting her to dinner and she doesn’t want to that to hurt Brittany’s feelings or for her to misunderstand.

Santana just wasn’t brave enough at the time and if Maribel didn’t invite Brittany over, then she and Santana wouldn’t have had such a great time and they would’ve never had the chance to reconnect like they did. There was no way of knowing Thanksgiving was going to have such an impact on their progress, but it doesn’t keep her from regretting her lack of bravery.

She hates that it still has the ability to dictate how their relationship pans out and unfortunately, that’s just another thing that hasn’t changed.

Santana scowls at how fast her thoughts are moving and she’s about two seconds away from saying something witty to take the attention off of her when she feels Brittany’s hand slip over her knee. Her knee twitches at the unexpected move, but she soon relaxes at the gentle squeeze Brittany gives her.

The gesture instantly softens her up and she glances over at Brittany who remains looking at Quinn like nothing’s happened, but it’s all the reassurance she needs for now.

“Oh no, Maribel invited me.” Brittany clarifies and squeezes Santana’s knee again, “We ran into each other at the grocery story. Not literally, but she did need help reaching something from the top shelf. She invited me over, but I didn’t want to impose. Santana was the one who convinced me to stay.”

When Brittany puts it that way, it eases more of Santana’s nerves. She didn’t even consider the amount of courage it took her to ask Brittany to stay. She always loved Brittany’s ability to turn her negatives into positives and she ducks her head in a quiet thanks.

Quinn smiles at them, but it’s more loving than her usual Queen Bitch Smirk. It makes Santana roll her eyes although her stomach flips from the fluttery feelings brought on by the feel of Brittany’s hand on her. She’s sure now that Quinn is on to them, but she doesn’t want to get into that right now.

“Shut up, Q.” Santana grumbles as she subtly overlaps Brittany’s hand with her own before taking a sip of her latte with her free one.

Quinn just laughs and waves her off, “I wasn’t saying anything.”

\\

They spend the rest of the time talking about Sectionals and developing a game plan. They’ve been preparing for awhile now, maybe just before Thanksgiving break let out because they knew the squad would start to get less focused the closer the break came. For the most part, they felt ready and were confident that the squad felt it too.

“The Cheerios have placed first every year since 2003,” Quinn said, “At least, that’s what Sue said. I’m not sure how accurate that is.”

“I believe it,” Brittany replied with a shrug.

Santana just inhaled deeply and said sarcastically, “No pressure or anything.”

“We’ve got this in the bag,” Quinn answered confidently, “For one, we’re the only squad with 3 coaches.”

Brittany wagged her finger at Quinn, “True. That’s 3 times the awesomeness.”

“And we’re probably going to be the only hot coaches there too,” Santana shrugged nonchalantly.

“Also true,” Brittany nodded then sent a wink Santana’s way, “The hottest.”

Santana felt her cheeks flush, but she just smiled back smugly and dusted off her shoulder, “You know it.”

“Not really important,” Quinn chuckled causing Santana to screw up her face in disgust.

“Are you kidding me?” Santana looked astonished, “Looks are everything in the Cheerleading world, where have you been? Remember all those ridiculous diets Sue put us on?”

“Santana’s right,” Brittany added, “Our squad is a reflection of us, we have to set the example. Although, those diets were really unhealthy so let’s not tell the squad about it.”

“Oh we won’t,” Quinn clarifies, “These next couple of weeks are going to be pretty intense. Our girls are good but we can’t let them get too comfortable.”

“Let’s make them do wind sprints tomorrow,” Santana suggests devilishly, “Make them run off all that food they had over Thanksgiving.”

“Greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes,” Brittany starts rapping and it makes Santana and Quinn laugh.

“This is our first competition as coaches and it’s important we make a good impression,” Quinn adds after their laughter dies down, “Afterall, we want to make it to Nationals, right?”

Santana briefly remembers Sue’s tape and the arrangement that brought them all together and the bonus that was promised if the squad were to place at Nationals. She had almost forgotten the real reason she was back in Lima, that it had nothing to do with Brittany, and it made her sit a little straighter.

She needed to stay focused too. She and Brittany both needed to.

“Of course,” Santana says and she’s surprised to hear Brittany’s voice in time with hers, mimicking the same words.

Always in unison, even without meaning to be.

“We have to be on point then,” Quinn adds a little more solemnly, “For Coach Sylvester.”

Santana can see the storm clouds rolling in above Quinn’s head and she wonders what that is about. She knew this was a job and they had to meet certain expectations in order to get paid, but she didn’t think Quinn would take it that seriously. Then again, she and Sue had always had a different dynamic. Maybe she really did want to honor her legacy by winning.

“We will be,” Santana replies anyway and gives Quinn an encouraging nod, “We don’t know how to be anything else but flawless.”

\\

After saying their goodbyes to Quinn, Santana and Brittany are back in the car on their way to Maribel’s a little while later. Brittany had passed Santana the aux cord upon settling in and they decided on taking the long way home since the queue was so good. Santana had missed many aspects of Brittany, but being able to ride around in the car with her as they bobbed their heads to songs they use to sing for Glee Club is probably something she missed the most.

Brittany really was the easiest person to get along with, they just fit together so perfectly.

“You know, I don’t mind driving you around while your car gets fixed. You have great taste in music and your car dance moves are the best,” Brittany says after belting out the final note of a Whitney Houston song. She’s a little breathless again from the dramatic runs and the bellyaching laughter, but that’s when Santana finds her the prettiest.

She’s so wrapped up in staring that she nearly misses the words that follow.

“You are going to get it fixed, right?” Brittany asks and chances a glance at Santana to find her biting on her bottom lip. She might’ve forgotten to call Burt’s shop while she was waiting for Brittany, mostly because she was too busy running upstairs to touch up her make up before she arrived.

She smiled guiltily, “Yes?”

“San,” Brittany sighs as they come up to a red light. It was meant to sound frustrated but it was more endearing than anything. Santana hasn’t heard Brittany call her San in years and it makes her heart flutter wildly. Brittany gives her that you’re exhausting but I love you look and it has Santana’s guard instantly dropping.

“What?” Santana laughs as Brittany lifts a brow, “I will!”

“You better,” Brittany warns and her voice dips low.

The rumble of her tone has Santana biting her lip again and she presses further, edging over the middle console.

“Or what?” She asks challengingly.

Santana lingers there and she knows the exact moment Brittany’s head starts to cloud with thoughts, she can see it in darkening blue eyes. The glow of the red light illuminates them both, masking flushed cheeks, but Santana is confident they’re there. Suddenly, the heat coming from the vents is way too hot but it only seems to increase the longer Brittany stares heatedly back.

Santana remembers this look a little too well considering how long it has been. It was the same look that led to many spontaneous make out sessions in a dark parking lot when they were meant to be on their way to somewhere important. Back when they were young and reckless and couldn’t keep their hands of each other. The windows of Santana’s little Honda would be so thick with fog that she’d have to turn on the defroster afterwards just so she could see.

Brittany would just sit topless and doodle love hearts until it went away.

“You don’t want to know,” Brittany manages to reply in a whisper as she leans in and it’s like she’s daring Santana to close the distance.

And she would, she totally would! Their lips are so damn close now and the scent of her cherry lip smackers and peppermint gum is just so Brittany and it’s flooding her senses. All Santana has to do is lean just a little bit further and they’d be stopping traffic. She would give not one single fuck if it meant having Brittany’s lips on hers again.

But then their faces illuminate in green and Brittany’s the first to break the trance as the car behind them beeps their horn.

Santana settles back in her seat, tossing shy glances in Brittany’s direction, crossing her legs a little tighter as they continue their journey to Maribel’s.

She waits a few minutes before clearing her throat a little, “Maybe I’ll get Burt to have a look at it tomorrow before practice, see if it’s worth repairing…or whatever.”

She’s thankful that Brittany’s success in getting her all flustered can’t be detected in the tone of her voice and takes that as a small win.

“That’s my girl,” Brittany teases lovingly and reaches over to squeeze at Santana’s thigh.

Santana just about melts into a puddle on the spot because she wasn’t expecting Brittany to say something like that. Brittany can be so smug sometimes, but trying to fight from swooning at Brittany’s words is hard. She knows she can’t give Britt the satisfaction no matter how right she is in wanting Santana to take her car in, but being her girl?

Santana hasn’t been anyone’s anything in so long, at least not to anyone that mattered. She had forgotten what it felt like to be wanted in that way, even if Britt only said it as a passing comment. It makes Santana feel whole in a totally different way and she loves it.

She loves being Brittany’s girl.

[brynnmck]

 Tagged by @agirlnamedkeith, @pretty--thief, and @samirant, thank you! <333

What is the colour of your hairbrush? Mostly black, with a green ring on it.

Name a food you never eat: I have quite a few foods I can’t eat anymore thanks to some random health issues I developed a few years back (friends, aging is great from a mental/emotional perspective, Not Great from a physical perspective) but in terms of voluntary stuff, green peppers. I’ve outgrown a lot of my childhood food dislikes but that one is in my SOUL.

Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold, definitely.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? I was in a boring meeting!

What’s your favourite candy bar?  Probably Snickers? I really like 100 Grand too, though. And Butterfinger. And Twix. And I want Claire Saffitz to make all of them for me.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? I’ve been going to Major League baseball games since I was a kid (it was my dad’s favorite sport), and the past few years, I’ve been to 20-30 games a season. I usually go for my birthday, too, which is in a couple of weeks, and it’s just kinda sinking in that there will be no birthday baseball for me this year. :(

What was the last thing you said out loud? Just saying hi to my husband. 

What is your favourite ice cream? Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. I can’t have caffeine anymore so this summer I’m gonna try to make a decaf version for myself. (WHY IS ALMOST ALL COFFEE ICE CREAM CAFFEINATED. There are so many reasons people can’t have caffeine! Sigh.)

What was the last thing you had to drink? Water!

Do you like your wallet? Sure? It’s a nice blue and it holds my stuff.

What was the last thing you ate? Fruit and Greek yogurt for breakfast.

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? I didn’t! I actually ordered a couple of soft bras from TomboyX on Monday, but nothing on the weekend.

What’s the last sporting event you watched? A replay of an old Mariners game a couple of nights ago. If we’re talking live sports, I watched about half of a Korean baseball league game a few nights back, which was delightful.

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? Butter!

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? @ajoblotofjunk 

Ever go camping? Not in a long time. My husband has been getting the urge to go lately, though, so maybe we will!

Do you take vitamins? I take supplements due to the aforementioned health issues. And vitamin B.

Do you go to church every Sunday? Lol no. My mother is very Catholic and she brought us to 6 am Mass every weekday when I was a kid. It was well-intentioned (her dad had a pretty volatile temperament and she always felt safe at church, so she subconsciously wanted us to feel the same way) but it did not sell me on the experience! Heh.

Do you have a tan? I live in the Seattle area and it’s May, so... lol no. I’m also pretty pale so I don’t get that tan anyway, but. I usually get a little something going in the summer, enough to have tan lines anyway.

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Tough call, but I’m going with pizza.

Do you drink your soda through a straw? I don’t drink soda anymore (though I drink a LOT of carbonated water), but I’ll drink my drink through a straw if I get it at a fast-food place. Otherwise I don’t usually use one.

What colour socks do you usually wear? Most of my winter socks for work are black. Otherwise it’s a pretty random selection of colors.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? Sure. Usually 5-10 miles over, rarely more (or less) than that.

What terrifies you? Climate change. Global pandemics. You know. Just generally suffering (both mine and other people’s).

Look to your left. What do you see? Through window of the room I’m sitting in: my neighbors’ house, and a cherry tree in their yard.

What chore do you hate most? Cleaning the bathrooms.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? The hot Australian woman who’s been on Gold Rush recently, or a dear fannish friend of mine I haven’t talked to in years who is actually from New Zealand and I KNOW IT’S VERY DIFFERENT but it’s close enough to make me think of her!

What’s your favourite soda? I used to drink a lot of Diet Mountain Dew. I really miss ginger beer, too. I love a good spicy ginger beer. Root beer too.

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Drive-thru all the way. Isn’t that part of the advantage of fast food?

What’s your favourite number? I don’t really have one!

Who’s the last person you talked to? My husband!

Favourite cut of beef? Boneless ribeye. I finally bought a propane grill a couple of years back and I have now learned to make a badass steak, if I say so myself.

Last song you listened to? Eve 6 - Inside Out. A few months ago I suddenly remembered that this song existed and so I bought it and now I have to listen to it at least twice every time it comes up, ha.

Last book you read? An as-yet-unpublished Rose Lerner novel, because I am very lucky! (It’s a wlw Gothic. SUCH A GOOD CONCEPT.)

Favourite day of the week? Saturday

Can you say the alphabet backwards? In this economy??? Idk, I could probably figure it out, but it would definitely be work.

How do you like your coffee? I love a caramel macchiato, especially iced so you get those weird globules of caramel coming up through the straw. But a nonfat decaf double latte with a little bit of some kind of syrup is my go-to these days--hot when it’s cold out, iced when it’s warm out.

Favourite pair of shoes? I have these 40s-ish heels that tie over your instep with a little bow and I love them. I also have some extremely cool red velvet with black cording peep-toe Louboutins that I bought off some discount site years ago, except I can’t wear them for long because they’re about a half size too small. But they’re SO PRETTY.

Time you normally get up? In isolation, I’m discovering that my natural sleep schedule is about 2 am - 10 am. But I have a daily meeting at 9:30, and I try to get my workout done before that, so I get up at 8-8:30ish. I am discovering through this meme that SO MANY of you are morning people! What is that like???

Sunrises or sunsets? I love sunrises but I am not remotely a morning person, so. I see a lot more sunsets, and I love them too!

How many blankets are on your bed? Just one duvet.

Describe your kitchen plates. We have some with blue perimeters and kind of a white/oatmeal middle that we inherited from my in-laws, and the ones we actually bought on purpose are white on top and either sage-y green or charcoal black on the bottom.

Describe your kitchen at the moment. Somewhat messy, or at least there are dishes to do. I made some pretty epic cauliflower mushroom risotto with shrimp last night, though, so it was for a good cause.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? Perfect Manhattans with rye are my go-to, or a Quebecois, which is basically a perfect Manhattan with a little bit of maraschino liqueur added (and ideally a lemon twist, though we’re usually too lazy for those). In the summer, I’m getting really into gin these days: either gin and tonic, gin and some kind of citrus spiked seltzer, or a Last Word. I also really love a good craft beer, and sparkling wine too.

Do you play cards? Not really. We used to play a shit ton of gin rummy in high school, but I haven’t really played cards much since.

What colour is your car? Blue!

Do you know how to change a tire? Theoretically yes, though the one time I actually tried to do it myself, I had a hell of a time getting the lug nuts off. I was fortunately in my driveway at the time (good place for a flat tire!) and my neighbors kept coming by and offering to help, and I was like NO I WANNA DO IT. I think I did need help eventually, though. Stupid pneumatic tools at tire installation places!

Your favourite state? That rare, usually-brief phase of writing where everything seems to fit and flow and you’re a genius and you understand all the secrets of the cosmos. Also Washington.

Favourite job you’ve had? My current one. It’s not my dream job, but it pays well and I like my team and I get to learn new stuff fairly often and I can work from home in the midst of all this, so. I am very lucky!

How did you get your biggest scar? The summer after my freshman year of college, I was part of a summer stock theatre troupe, and we performed half the summer at my college, and half the summer in a very small town in eastern Oregon that had an outdoor stage. One of my entrances involved running over the grass to get to the stage, and one night the grass was wet, and my costume involved ballet slippers, and I slipped and fell onto the stage stairs in front of the whole audience. It hurt SO MUCH that I got very light-headed onstage while I was trying to get through the scene, lol. Anyway, my costume also involved harem pants that had elastic around the calf/ankle area, and I got a friction burn from those, which ended up scarring because the skin over your shins is very thin! (I also got a few massive bruises on my leg that didn’t go away for weeks, so eventually my mom nagged me into going to the doctor, who promptly started gently hinting to see if my boyfriend at the time was responsible for the injuries. Which was actually pretty cool of the doctor! But then I was like, lol no, trust me, a hundred people saw me bite it, this is 100% dumbass mistake.) And that’s my scar story.

Tagging, if you want to do it: @ajoblotofjunk, @snowymary, @halcyon-red, @it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined, @unadulteratedkr, and anyone else who feels like doing this!

[maryellencarter]

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (27/40)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

a/n: I’m the slightest bit overwhelmed by how kind a lot of you are and how many people have become invested in this story. It’s the coolest thing seeing the happiness it brings some of you, even if I am stressing you out right now. Whenever I get a message about how a story has made someone’s bad day better, I get a little smile on my face. You are all awesome ☺️

Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke​ for being my beta! Don’t fret. She yelled at me a lot about this part of the story too, so it’s not just you guys and it does get better. 

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 |

Tag list: @stunningswan​ @eala-captian @galaxyzxstark @xellewoods @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury​ @superchocovian​ @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog@cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings​ 

-/-

Emma has never once complained about having off from work before.

Not once.

She has four days off right now. It’s four days of no baseball and no responsibility, and she has been looking forward to it for months ever since she first saw the time off on the calendar and marked it in a huge red circle. There’s nothing quite like having the ability to sleep in, not brush your hair, and lounge around in pajamas all day as you watch professional athletes hit tennis balls back and forth at each other at one hundred miles per hour as they play the US Open.

But there’s a bit of a sting to it all when two tickets to the semi-finals tomorrow are saved in her phone, and she hasn’t spoken to the person who bought them for her in three days.

(They’re in the nosebleed section so no one would notice them, and Emma remembers laughing out loud when Killian showed her the seats because she has no idea how they would even see the ball.)

Okay, there’s more than a bit of a sting.

It fucking hurts.

There’s always been a reason why she didn’t make plans so far ahead of time, not ones that require monetary and emotional commitments from her, but she’s been breaking all of her rules over the past five and half months. All of them. She’s made plans to go to Portland, to go to a wedding, to go to this idiotic set of matches that she would actually really love to go to.

All of them with Killian.

Emma should have known better. She honestly should have. Every time she ever made plans with Neal or Walsh or any other man that she was dating, they always fell through. They never held up. Either the relationship would endend, or the guy would fade away at the last minute. It didn’t matter. Every time she got her hopes up, they fell back to the ground and were crushed under the weight of her own disappointment.

Neal was the definition of flaky. He was always making these big plans with big dreams and promising her so damn much before ripping the rug out from under her so quickly that she barely even had time to brace herself before she fell flat on her ass. And the really shitty thing is that she didn’t even realize how awful it was that he was doing that to her because that’s what people had been doing her entire life – foster parents, social workers, childhood friends, her birth parents. That little seed of hope would be planted, roots would start to grow, and then it’d all be torn out of the ground. She was in a relationship like that for years and then fell into the same exact trap two years later.

Why would Killian be any different?

(Of course he is different.)

A laugh escapes her lips at that, one she didn’t give permission to, and all it does is make Emma curl into her bed a little bit more, wrapping her arms around her pillow and yanking the blankets further up her body so that the outside world can’t get to her. It’s just Emma, her laptop, and a bag of salt and vinegar chips that are most likely going to break her tongue out.

As it should be.

This is not how her day was supposed to go.

Not at all.

Killian was supposed to come over after his morning training, and he was going to spend time with her and probably Ruby, debating television shows and movies and eating whatever takeout he decided to bring on his way here. But Killian isn’t here. She doesn’t even know where he is. Probably not training considering he’s out for the rest of the regular season.

It’s what he told her, but it’s also what she’s read in about fifteen different articles online.

And what she had to post on her Twitter account as part of her job. Life is funny that way. You think you can avoid your boyfriend and all information about him, but she can’t. It’s part of her freaking job.

She couldn’t have kept herself from reading the articles online if she’d tried.

(She didn’t.)

There’s a knock on her door, a sound that Emma has been ignoring for most of the past few days, but she didn’t turn the lock when she went to get her chips two hours ago, so Ruby easily opens the door and walks into her bedroom. She’s got her hair pulled back into a ponytail and is wearing leggings and a sports bra like she just went to the Pilates class that Emma skipped out on.

She shouldn’t have done that.

Fueling her emotions into that would probably have been a much healthier way to cope. No, it definitely would have been. Exercise is better than stuffing her mouth with junk food even if junk food feels so much better at first.

Shit. She’s pathetic. But honestly, she doesn’t even care.

“Hey,” Ruby says quietly as she shuts the door behind her. “How are you feeling?”

Emma doesn’t respond, just curls herself further into her pillow like the pathetic person she is as a tennis ball is thwacked across the court and bounces up into the bottom level of the stands. But Ruby, never one to be deterred by anything, walks across the room and settles down on the bed behind Emma, wrapping her arms around her stomach and pulling her closer while Ruby’s chin rests on her shoulder.

It’s the most considerate touch she’s felt in days, and it’s the only time that someone hasn’t shown her pity or tried to tell her that everything was going to be okay. After she left the hospital, leaving Killian behind with her mind reeling and falling down a hole with no escape, Emma immediately went to her apartment and changed into running clothes before running until her legs wouldn’t work anymore. It was fifteen miles, something she’s done before, something that’s not even her personal best, and she thought that she could keep going.

She had to keep going.

But the adrenaline died out on her, all of her anger and rage and, frankly, sadness dissipated into barely being able to breathe, and she’d swiped her metro card and walked through the gates to get on the train that would take her to David’s house because she needed him like she hadn’t needed him in years. David is always the reasonable one, is always the one who makes her see things that she can’t see, but he wasn’t there. It was only Leo and Mary Margaret, and as much as Emma loves Mary Margaret, she couldn’t understand why Emma was so hurt by Killian lying to her.

It’s not what the lie was, though that is a pretty big deal. It’s the fact that the lie happened.

Over and over again.

She gave him her heart in all of the shattered and glued back together pieces, and as careful as he is with it, he still managed to add a crack or two.

How could she have ever expected otherwise?

Why did she?

Why does she still want him to be the one to help her keep holding it together?

David had eventually come home and seen her talking to Mary Margaret, and somehow, he just knew that she needed him to hold her for a little while. He did, cupping the back of her head with his hand and not placating her by telling her that everything was okay or that she shouldn’t be angry or anything else that she wasn’t quite ready to hear yet.

There were a lot of things she wasn’t ready to hear that day.

“Do you want to go for a walk with me sometime today?” Ruby asks, and Emma breathes out on a sigh, her stomach swirling in a messy cloud of anxiousness over the fact that Ruby has finally decided that Emma has to talk. She’s been waiting for it. She’s also been expecting a much more abrasive conversation. “I know that your legs probably still feel like shit from that crazed run you went on, but I feel like a walk would be good. Fresh air, exercise, maybe I will even stop and buy two dozen donuts. You know, really splurge and keep them to ourselves and not let Graham have any.”

Emma chuckles, and this time she’s kind of glad for it. It’s not a big belly laugh, but it’s something.

Baby steps are better than nothing.

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a walk?

“Nope. It’s good to get our legs moving, work some of this laziness out of you. Plus, I fully plan on making us walk the full perimeter of Central Park, so we’ll have earned those donuts. If we haven’t died first because that’s a huge ass park.”

“You do realize that Bryant park is closer?”

“And that’s exactly why we’re not going there.” Ruby squeezes her again, pretty much hugging her, and it may actually make Emma’s heart swell. “C’mon, Ems. Indulge me for an afternoon, okay? It’s not like you to lay in bed like this. I don’t like it.”

It’s not. She’s already thought that. This isn’t her. She’s not the type of girl who lays around in bed because she’s upset that she and her boyfriend got into a fight, if that’s even what this can be called. There wasn’t exactly any fighting, even if her mind has managed to create the illusion that there was. Honestly, she barely let him get any words in besides his explanation of what happened. And she’s not the type of girl who cries and eats ice cream and wonders how life will ever go on.

There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but it’s not her.

And she hasn’t cried. That’s beside the point, though.

“It’s really comfortable in here, okay?”

“You’re moping.”

“Then let me mope.”

Ruby sighs and hugs her a little closer.

“Emma, I know that I might not seem like the most emotionally mature person at times, but I’ve been in a steady relationship for a long time. I know that things like this happen, and I know that after lying in bed for nearly three days now, you need to get your ass up. You’re not going to find any solutions at the bottom of that chip bag.”

“I hate Graham for helping you be so emotionally stable. You used to hate love.”

“It’s all the good fucking. I’m telling you. Knocked some sense right into me.”

Emma barks out a laugh and completely rolls over on her stomach, letting Ruby’s arms release her as she snorts into the pillow. “You are the worst,” she mumbles, her voice muffled by the material.

“I am the best.” There’s a slap against her ass that has Emma jumping and rolling over again so that she nearly knocks over her laptop. “Now, go brush your teeth, put on some deodorant, and change clothes so we can take over the city with our powerwalk like the rich old ladies we’ve always aspired to be.”

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

It’s an actual blazing inferno outside, the heat curling up from the concrete to practically burn through Emma’s sneakers, and it makes her really not want to be out on this walk. But she knows that the faster she walks, the faster she can go back home and retreat back to her room. All she really wants is to go back to her room.

And get under the shades of the trees in the park. September needs to end and allow October to roll in so that she won’t sweat every time she steps outside. This is ridiculous.

It’s probably all of the salt and vinegar leaving her pores. What a thought to have.

If only eating strawberries or kale or something was a good emotional comfort food.

It’s a little over a mile to the park, and as awful as the entrance is all full of tourists and street vendors and people trying to sell her a guide to the city like she doesn’t know it’s on a grid system, Emma is thankful just to have the slight breeze and be away from the masses of people. She won’t admit it, not out loud, but Ruby was right to get her to get up and get moving. When she’s lounging around, her mind wanders to things that it shouldn’t wander to, and at least now she’s able to put all of her focus on putting one foot in front of the other and watching all of the people around her.

Why pay for Broadway tickets when you can watch people in Central Park?

The air-conditioning. Yep. The air-conditioning.

They walk for an hour, just a casual stroll that Emma keeps thinking should be a run, but the heat of the day becomes too much for her, her heartbeat going wild, and as soon as she sees an unoccupied bench in the shade, she makes a run for it, leaving Ruby to catch up from behind. It’s a bit ridiculous, but this is a golden opportunity to allow herself to sit down and breathe without anyone bothering her since most people in the area are concentrated around the boathouse and not the little beaten path to the side of it.

“I hate summer,” Ruby groans when she reaches the bench. “It’s the worst. I don’t care that it’s when all of the good sports happen. It’s too damn hot.”

Emma bends down to rest her elbows on her knees and cradle her head in her palms. “It was your idea to come out here.”

“Yeah, well, you were depressing me.”

She doesn’t say anything back, taking a moment to breathe and stare down at the laces on her shoes. One of them is about to come untied, but she can’t bother to fix it. There’s no point if she plans on never moving from this spot. The sweat that’s trickling down her back is going to keep her glued here anyways.

How the hell did she run fifteen miles the other day? What kind of rage-fueled adrenaline was that?

“Killian lied to me about his shoulder.”

The words come out without her permission. She doesn’t even remember thinking them. Her mind was blank and then all of the sudden they were there, escaping from her tongue and her lips and becoming part of the air that’s surrounding she and Ruby.

Emma is still staring at the ground. Her hand has also unconsciously found the chain around her neck, the one with Killian’s mom ring that he gave her as a good luck charm. She hasn’t been able to take it off. She wanted to, wanted to take away that reminder of him, but she couldn’t do it.

Killian wanted her to have one of his most prized possessions, and as mad as she is at him right now, she can’t take it off.  It means too much to her to have been given something like this.

“He lied to me,” she continues, taking a deep breath, though she’s not sure if it’s from the exercise or the emotions running a race in her mind and wearing down her nerves. “And I get it. He was scared. He – ”

“He didn’t want you to think less of him for being broken.”

“How do you know that?”

“Mary Margaret told me. You know she can’t keep a secret.”

Emma chuckles, but it’s a weak one, before lifting her head back up so that all of her blood can return to its rightful place. She was starting to get worried it wouldn’t. All she can really focus on is how cool the metal of the ring is against her stomach.

“Unlike you have apparently become, I am not the best with my emotions,” Emma continues. All of the words she’s been holding up are bubbling up to the surface and ready to spill over and run rampant. “I’m pretty shitty with them, but Killian made me feel comfortable, you know? When we’re together, I do pretty okay sharing all of the broken parts of me. He knows a lot of stuff that not even you know, and I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we trusted each other enough to share the brokenness. And trust me, we have a lot of it. We’ve had…we’ve had pretty shitty lives at some points, and I am so mad at him for repeatedly not telling me that he was hurt and for not being smart enough to stop playing and get some help. It’s not that big of an injury, but it could have been. He loves that stupid game, and he’s going to lose it if he keeps doing things like this.”

Ruby reaches down and grabs Emma’s hand and wraps her fingers around her palm and squeezes so that Emma has to look up at the sky to stop the tears from finally falling. This is dumb. This is all so dumb, and every bit of it could have been avoided.

“I think though,” Emma continues, still blinking away the tears, “past the lying and this gut-wrenching fear that he’s going to lie to me about other things too, I’m mostly hurt that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me. I love him so much, Rubes. He probably has no idea how much I love him because I barely know how to express it, and, but I don’t know how to fully trust him if this is going to be a pattern.”

Ruby’s sighs, and Emma swears that she feels it in her own bones. Her heartrate has calmed down, something next to normal, and she no longer feels like she’s going to throw up. She was kind of feeling like that for a little while, and the guy sitting in the grass fifteen feet away from them reading a book in peace probably wouldn’t appreciate that.

“You’ve got to talk to him.”

“I don’t – ”

“You don’t want to right now,” Ruby finishes for her, and Emma twists her head to the side to look over at the lake instead of at Ruby. “I know. I got that. You have every right to be pissed off at him. You have every right to kick and scream and feel anger so deep in your belly that it aches when you breathe. It doesn’t matter what he lied to you about. If it hurt you, it hurt you. Case closed.”

“I know but – ”

“Nope, nope, you’re going to let me finish. I am on a roll, and you’re going to crush my momentum.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Ruby squeezes her hand again before letting go. “Killian should not have lied to you. That’s just…I know we all tell little white lies, but this is obviously different. He shouldn’t have lied to you or to anyone. He should have trusted the people who he loves with the things he’s struggling with, but I don’t think this was about him not trusting you. He didn’t tell his family about any of it either.”

“They knew about the accident.”

“To be fair, Liam was there, and I think there’s no way Elsa couldn’t find out.”

“Semantics.”

“Very important ones,” Ruby points out. “I don’t – I’m not trying to tell you how to feel. I’m just saying that Killian didn’t do this out of malicious intent. He’s not Walsh, and he’s certainly not Neal. He is not spending his time trying to bring you down because he can’t handle being with a successful woman. I honestly think he’s scared of losing you and of losing the game, and that can make people do things that they wouldn’t usually do. You may not realize it, but I think you have become just as important to Killian as baseball is – if not more so. I know all about that ring you keep messing with and how big of a deal it is. Honey, he wouldn’t have given that to you if he didn’t love you. I’m not saying that fixes everything because it doesn’t. You have to talk to him and let yourself trust him if you think he’s worth trusting.”

Ruby echoes the words Killian said to her in Elsa’s office, the words that she repeated to Mary Margaret when she was trying to explain what was going on. They’re right. They’re all right, and she hates it. She doesn’t even know why. She should be thrilled that everyone seems to think that Killian didn’t set out to hurt her.

She thinks that too.

But Ruby is right in the fact that he did hurt her and right in the fact that she should be allowed to feel how she feels. How could she not with everything that’s happened to her in her life?

But she’s not thrilled.

And it’s dumb. Really, really dumb. Because she should want to get up from this bench and run to Killian’s apartment. It’s not far, maybe another mile walk, but she has absolutely emotionally exhausted herself to the point that talking about this more would be too much for her.

Talking everything out is still new to her, and when the stakes are this high, that pestering feeling that it’s all going to go wrong is continually building. Because what if Killian realizes that she’s more broken than he thinks too she is, and it’s all too much to deal with? Their relationship seems so simple on the surface and yet underneath it all…

Oh fuck.

Emma loves Killian so damn much, more than anything as he would say, but being together has never been simple. It’s always been a series of guesses and choices and an underlying hope that things would work out. She allowed herself to have that hope from the beginning, when she barely knew anything about him and when he’d fucked up with her already, and she should allow herself to have that same faith now that she genuinely knows so much of what makes up the ever-evolving person who is Killian Jones.

Tomorrow. She’ll talk to him tomorrow. Her stomach is still in too many knots for her to even think about seeing his face today and seeing the smile that always makes everything inside of her feel like it is floating on cloud nine.

Tomorrow. It has to be tomorrow because then she’s got to leave for Boston and Detroit, and she’s not waiting a week.

And she almost desperately needs to know how he’s doing. He’s got to be hurting, and she knows that she added to that.

“Can we go get those donuts now, Rubes?”

“Absolutely.”

The walk home seems swifter than the walk there, and it’s likely because Emma isn’t weighed down by the heaviness of a lot of things that are on her heart. Or maybe it’s because she does have donuts to look forward to. Today is going to be her last day of self-indulgence where she allows herself to mope and eat like all of the junk food in the world is going to disappear tomorrow. Because tomorrow she’s going to start eating actually balanced meals with things like vitamins and nutrients – most of the time – and she’ll hopefully stop feeling so sorry for herself.

That’s a bit of a gamble.

Ruby still makes a point of distracting her for the afternoon, obviously sensing that Emma is two seconds away from running away to her room and never emerging again, and while she contemplates that a few times throughout the day, especially when Graham comes home and kisses Ruby hello, she doesn’t.

In fact, she’s the last one awake and the only one to stay out in the living room. The only light that’s on comes from the TV, a tennis match still going on late in the night, and maybe it’s the lack of sleep she’s gotten or maybe it’s that feeling that happens when you’re alone at night and your mind starts playing tricks on you, but something gives her the courage to pull out her phone and text the person she’s been thinking about all day.

Emma: How’s your arm?

The bubble pops up immediately.

Killian: It hurts, mostly in the mornings, but not too bad. Lots of Ibuprofen and ice.

Emma: That’s good.

Emma: Not that it hurts. That it’s not too bad.

Killian: Yeah, I’m glad it’s not as bad as it has been.

Her heart may actually break a bit more at the thought of him being hurt all of this time. She’s been so mad at him, so frustrated with him for not sharing it with her, and she’s barely had any time to think about all of the pain that he’s been going through. Shitty move on her part.

It’s one thing to get injured and still be able to go about your daily life. It’s another when your livelihood depends on your body.

Killian: You should still use the tickets tomorrow. Take Ruby or David. I can get you an upgrade to sit closer since I’m not going with you now.

I don’t want to use them with anyone but you, she types, a little pathetically.

She doesn’t actually send that message. She can’t muster up the courage no matter how much truth is in the statement. Wine or whiskey or, hell, tequila are really tempting at this point to make herself feel a little less – upset, conflicted, hopeful even. But drowning sorrows in alcohol is no way to solve a problem, even if she’s done it before. It’ll only make her feel worse.

Emma: Can we talk tomorrow?

That text is riskier, means more, and is far scarier, and yet it’s the one she sends.

Killian: I’d like that.

Emma: Me too.

[kenneth-omega]

Sink or Swim **Ben Hardy**

Prompt was from here

“I need to make my ex jealous.” Fake dating trope.

Warnings: Swearing, Ben being too cute for his own good, and also hot af, mentions of body issues.

Word count: +8.7k

A/N: I’ve had some major heart eyes for Ben since I first saw him in X-Men: Apocalypse (ooF)

□■□■□■□■□

The invite on Facebook that went around to the majority of your old classmates made you want to curse. You stared at the event on your laptop screen, sat at your dining table in your pyjamas, legs curled up as you rested your chin on your knee.

A dinner party hosted by one of the girls who you shared English with at your high school. She had been popular, naturally, and her looks hadn't faded over time, despite it being almost 12 years since you had all graduated. She'd gone on to work at a modelling agency, whereas you'd decided to work behind the scenes as a hair stylist.

However you could hardly complain about your job, as it had allowed you to work many amazing opportunities. The most recent one being on the set of Bohemian Rhapsody, the new biopic that had recently hit the cinemas.

You'd been assistant to the head stylist who was in charge of all the wigs. This meant you had fixed and removed wig after wig, morning and evening, for a few months. It had been a brilliant experience, and one that you'd not taken for granted.

It also meant you had gotten a lot of time with the actors and actresses in the film, specifically Ben, who had portrayed Roger Taylor in the film. You'd gotten on well with him, however it had never progressed into anything more, certainly not into anything romantic.

Sure, Ben was easy on the eyes, but you were professional and so was he.

You'd swapped numbers after filming wrapped, but mainly because Ben found you a real laugh to be around. You were around the same age and so it was nice to be able to talk about similar topics, such as TV shows you'd both grown up with, how your school life had been, etc.

After the filming was done, Ben had invited you out a couple of times for pizza or a drink, since you lived a half hour drive from his area, it was easy to drop by and catch up.

Looking through the invited guests of the dinner party, you read many names you recognised, and some that you didn't. Already there was 30 responses from people confirming that they were going. They looked to be mainly people who hadn't settled down, with little responsibilities such as kids or serious jobs, meaning they had little in their schedules.

You clicked the 'Interested' button, not wanting to seem rude or ignorant. But then you saw a name that caught your eye, having RSVP'd that they would be attending, and it filled you with anxiety.

It was your high school boyfriend. Or ex for that matter.

He'd dumped you before prom, telling you that he didn't want to go with a girl like you, and that he had been asked by someone far better.

Looks like they hadn't worked out either, as they weren't in each other's friend lists when you had a cheeky sneak through. A little stalking never hurt anyone.

However this new revelation made you consider changing your answer to 'Not Going'.

You really didn't want to face that ass after 12 years, with no boyfriend or much else to show for it. If you were going to be reunited with him, you wanted to be able to rub it in his face about how successful your life had become after he ditched you.

Unable to ponder on it any more, you slammed the laptop shut and ran upstairs to get dressed, checking the time on your phone. A missed call.

From Ben.

You rang him back, having him pick up after the third dial. By the sound of it, he seemed to be in a car.

"Ben?" You asked down the phone, to which he laughed.

"Why do you sound so confused?" He responded with a question of his own, obviously humoured by your quizzical tone.

"Because I don't know why you're calling me?" You suggested, opening your wardrobe and trying to pick out an outfit for the day. You hadn't got anything really planned, so it didn't need to be anything special.

A pause on his end.

"Please don't tell me you forgot our plans." He whined, a little annoyed as he huffed down the phone.

You frowned, trying to recall making any plans with him. Then it suddenly hit you like a freight train.

Swimming!

"Shit! Ben, I'm so sorry, it completely slipped my mind." You stammered, now beginning to rifle through your drawers for your swimming costumes.

That was also something you and Ben had discovered you both enjoyed whilst on the Bo Rhap set. Your love for water.

He'd suggested you both go swimming one day, and that day had finally come around. He'd asked you last week when he'd popped over for a cup of tea, although you had been a little occupied with not burning your house down whilst he spoke to you. You'd been baking, or attempting to, a cake for your mother's birthday, and had agreed to go, only half-concentrating on what he was saying.

There was a laugh on his end, and it filled you with a little bit of relief, glad to know he wasn't too annoyed.

"Well it's a good job I called you then!" He pointed out, much to your chagrin. "I'll be there in 10, okay?" And with that he hung up, leaving you the chance to run around like a headless chicken, trying to gather up a bag to take with you to the swimming centre. It was the local one near you, about five minutes away from your house, making it easy for you to walk there whenever you felt like it, as you couldn't drive.

You chucked in a clean towel, along with some underwear and a bra, and some toiletries for after you were finished. You didn't fancy reeking like chlorine around Ben, despite the fact you rather enjoyed the way the swimming pools smelled. You'd opted to put your swimming costume on under your clothes to save you time in the changing room. You'd only had two choices to decide between when it came to which swimming costume you could wear.

Either you picked a really old, grey one-piece suit that was practically threadbare, or you put on the red, polka-dot bikini that you'd bought for a weekend away with your girlfriends. You'd gone up to celebrate one of their 30th birthdays at a spa centre with a pool and jacuzzi, and so you'd treated yourself to a new costume.

Aside from that, it hadn't been worn again, and was in practically mint condition. The only downside was that it was a bikini, and you didn't really fancy showing off a load of skin around Ben. He was a good-looking bloke, and very chiselled too. You didn't want him to find your body repulsive or have someone else at the pool laugh at you and Ben and the obvious fact that you didn't really belong around him.

Perhaps you could take a t-shirt?

You chucked in an old shirt that you didn't mind getting all chlorinated, and then went to brush your teeth in the bathroom. You tied your hair back from your face, putting it onto a simple ponytail so that it wouldn't hopefully get entirely wet.

It was starting to stress you out a little, as you realised Ben would be here any second, and you felt rather crappy in regard to your appearance, knowing that it was stupid to wear makeup to a pool, but not liking the idea of going bare-faced.

But then you had no more time to think about it, as your front doorbell rang, signalling that Ben was here. Cursing under your breath as you gave yourself one last look over, you grabbed your little bag of stuff and ran downstairs. You could see his shadow through the frosted glass of the front door as you picked up your keys to let him in.

Opening the door revealed him stood with his back to you, as he looked down the street whilst he waited for you. Upon hearing the door click, he turned around and saw you standing in the doorway, which made a smile spread upon his perfectly pink lips.

His hair had been shaved at the sides and the back, the top remaining relatively long, although he'd pushed it back and fixed it with some product. He was sporting a thin, grey jumper as the air was relatively crisp still at this time of year, along with some blue jeans and basic white trainers.

"Ready?" He asked, nibbling on his bottom lip with one of his canines as you grabbed some flat shoes and pushed them on. You nodded at him, feeling a little conscious of your clothes and your bare face, stepping out the house and locking it behind you.

Ben's car was gorgeous, a beautiful matte green, similar to the colour of moss, with tinted windows and leather interior. He treasured this car like it was his baby, obviously having spent a fair bit of money on it.

He opened the passenger door for you, so you could climb in easily, having to use the little built in step to get in. It was a real beast of a car.

Once Ben had gotten in the driver's seat and gotten you both off your little street, he looked over at you, noticing the tense way you were sat and how you were nibbling on your nails.

"You alright?" He asked, trying to keep his eyes on the road but also look at you occasionally. You nodded and made a humming noise.

"Just thinking." You told him, feeling a little bad that you weren't acting your usual self today. You didn't want to ruin the mood or your day that you had planned.

Ben laughed to himself. "That can sometimes be a dangerous thing to do. Care to indulge me as to what's on your mind?" He enquired, pulling his car into the car park for the swimming pool centre. It was hardly bound to be busy on a weekday, but there were a few cars parked up. When he stopped the car you shook your head, putting on a smile.

"It's nothing Ben, really. Let's just go and enjoy ourselves." You told him, hopefully making it clear that you didn't want to speak any more on the subject. He got the hint and just nodded, getting his bag out the back of the car and following you into the building.

The faint smell of chlorine and cleaning fluid hit your nose instantly as you walked in, and you couldn't help but inhale deeply. Ben shot you a funny look, but you just giggled, feeling the heat in your cheeks inflame.

"I like the smell." You told him sheepishly, to which he couldn't help but smile, placing a hand on your back and guiding the two of you to the front desk. The receptionist seemed a little surprised to see you with someone, recognising you from the many previous visits, however none of them having a partner beside you. You wondered if she would recognise Ben, as she kept glancing back and forth between the two of you but said nothing. You paid for your time in the pool and then walked off to the changing rooms.

A little bit of dread crept up into your throat as you neared the door with the female sign on it, realising you were going to have to get undressed and meet Ben on the other side, no doubt feeling like a fool.

Ben squeezed your bicep, grabbing your attention away from the door. You turned to him and found him stood by the gent's changing room.

He shot you a playful grin raising an eyebrow, and you couldn't deny how it made your heart flutter a little.

"See you on the other side?" He asked, pushing the door open. You nodded, giving him an uneasy smile, but he didn't pick up on your slight discomfort.

He headed inside, and you dashed into the women's, finding an empty cubicle and shutting the door, locking it so no one walked in on you. Plonking your bag on the seat, not wanting to put it on the wet tiles, you slipped off your shoes, glad you didn't have socks on that would get soaked by the water that people trailed through from the pool and showers.

Inside the tiny cubicle, you managed to shimmy off your jeans and the nice shirt you had on, folding them neatly in your bag, taking out the old, scruffy one that you planned to wear over your costume.

It was such a nice bikini, you felt it was a shame to cover it up, but you kept having the same thought of how Ben would react to seeing your body that was nowhere near as perfect as his was.

With a sigh, you unlocked the cubicle and chucked your bag and shoes into a locker, taking the little key that was attached to a plastic bracelet and locking it up, tying it around your wrist. There was a floor-length mirror on the wall before you headed past the showers and towards the pool entrance. You stood in front of it, inspecting how the bikini looked, wondering if somehow it had become too tight or loose in the short drive from your house to here. It hadn't, it looked the same.

You looked down at the shirt clenched in your fists and eventually caved, throwing it on over your head.

It came down to your upper thigh, covering as much as you needed it to, much to your relief. Sighing, you walked towards the changing room exit that lead out into the pool area, ignoring the funny look that one woman gave you as you passed her in the shower area.

You dodged the cold little puddle of water that was always in public swimming pool areas, hating how you had to walk through it to go back and forth between the pool and changing rooms. Stepping out into the huge leisure room, you could see the glistening water, the orange glow from the lights bouncing off its surface. It was so calming to see, instantly putting you at some form of ease, making you momentarily forget about the intrusive worries and doubts in your head.

That is, until you heard your name being called from your right and you looked to see Ben walked towards you. It was painfully unfair to see how brilliant he looked in his swimming shorts, his toned and very muscular torso on display for everyone to see. You could see the muscles under the skin shift as he got closer to you, the way they tensed when he ran his hand through his hair.

You knew then that it had been a good idea to put the t-shirt on, knowing that you would look ridiculous stood next to him.

"Hey! You look a little lost, is everything alright? What's with the t-shirt?" Ben asked when he finally had gotten to your side, giving you the once over as he spotted the t-shirt you donned over your costume. You shifted from foot to foot, toying with the hem of the shirt as you tried to find a better excuse than simply the fact that you felt rather crappy compared to him. You knew that people were looking at him, more specifically the women that were in the pool. Even the young lifeguard that sat up on her tall chair couldn't help but give him a very satisfied look down. Ben seemed oblivious to it all.

"Just, feel a little bloated?" You guessed, not entirely convincing him. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing more.

"No worries. Well, let's get in then!" He pushed you playfully, teasing at throwing you in the pool, making you squeal.

"Ben!" You snapped, although you had a huge grin on your face. He backed away before you could grab at him, diving in head fist, with the grace of an Olympic athlete. You watched him disappear under the surface, before popping back up with a splash, flicking his head to shake the wet hair out of his eyes. Rubbing it with his hand caused it to stick out at weird angles, and you couldn't help but laugh at how funny he looked.

"Coming in?" He asked, swimming back towards the edge of the pool. You nodded, sitting down onto the cold tiles and slipping your legs into the water first, opting to sit on the edge for a little bit first.

Ben swam up to your side, resting his arms on the side so he could tread water easily.

"So, why the t-shirt? And be honest with me this time." Ben asked you, his face deadly serious, catching you a little off guard. So he hadn't believed your poorly put together lie. You felt your face go extremely hot at having been caught out.

"It's just..." You trailed off, hating the fact that you were going to have to tell him the truth. You didn't want to sound like an ass.

Ben waited patiently, careful to not pressure you into speaking. He rest his chin on his hands, continuing to tread the water as he watched you fumble over your words.

"It's you, Ben." You admitted, wincing at the way his eyebrows furrowed together.

"Me?" He responded, and you quickly tried to explain.

"NO, well yes. It's complicated." You sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose as you tried to keep back the tears. Ben stayed silent. "You're hot..." You began, earning a laugh from him.

"Thanks love." He replied with a shit-eating grin. You swatted his arm.

"Shush, I wasn't done." You chided him, only he simply waggled his eyebrows, biting his bottom lip. You tried to ignore how that little action made you feel. "Well, as I said, you're hot..and I'm, well I'm not, basically." You explained to him, hoping he would understand what you were trying to say.

Ben silently pulled himself out of the water, his bicep muscles tensing and flexing as he did so, so that he was sat next to you, your shoulders bumping slightly. You kept your eyes focused on the shimmering surface of the pool. It was too much of a distraction having Ben sat next to you with beads of water sliding down over his abs and dripping off the ends of his hair.

"You know that is a load of shit, right?" He laughed, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you closer to him, his hand resting on your waist. "Listen to me, you're beautiful. Now I don't say that often, except as a joke occasionally on one of Joe's Instagram posts."

You couldn't help but laugh, having seen said Instagram comments for yourself.

"But on a serious note, you do not have to feel like you're worth any less because you're with me. I hate that you feel so insecure around me, because I always want you to be comfortable." Ben confessed, tugging on your ponytail jokingly so that you'd turn to look at him.

"It's just so difficult." You sighed, wrapping the t-shirt fabric around your finger.

Ben nodded. "You can keep the t-shirt on if you like, that's entirely your choice. But I just want you to know that I think everything about you is perfect. You're very hot, if you don't mind me saying." Ben nudged you at that last part, making a giggle erupt from your lips. It was a sound that Ben loved to hear and was glad that he was the one who could make it happen.

You began to pull your legs out of the water, and Ben frowned up at you as you got to your feet.

"I'll be right back." You mumbled, turning on your heel and going back into the changing rooms, forgetting about the cold puddle and stepping through it with a shiver and a grumble.

You stood outside the locker that was yours and opened it. With a long, slow exhale, you tugged the t-shirt up over your head, screwing it up and locking the door in a hurry, not wanting to change your mind if you lingered for too long.

Tugging at the bra part of the bikini, you repositioned it, hoping that it covered your breasts up well. You really didn't want a slip up to happen in front of Ben.

Perhaps you should have just wore the old swimsuit, you thought.

It was far too late now though, and you tried not to look in the mirror as you walked past it, failing miserably.

Ben's words echoed around your head as you tried not to look at all the imperfections you saw instantaneously.

I think everything about you is perfect.

You managed to pull your gaze away from the mirror and head back to the pool, forcing your arms to remain at their sides and not wrap around your midriff like you so wanted to do. You dodged the puddle and poked your head out to look around the big pool room. Ben was floating in the pool, not paying any attention to anyone as he gently floated on his back. Grumbling, you forced your feet to walk, one in front of the other, so that you were now well and truly exposed.

Nowhere to hide now.

"Fuck it." You whispered to yourself as you stepped up to the side of the pool.

It was at this same moment that Ben happened to look over, obviously wondering where you had gotten to, and spotted you stood on the edge with your hands balled into fists. You couldn't help but groan, as you'd been hoping you would be able to get in the pool without him seeing.

The smile however, that graced Ben's lips was one of pure happiness and...admiration?

He swum over to you until he was a metre from the edge, looking up at you.

"You took it off." He pointed out, his voice soft. It made your heart melt a little.

"Yeah." You admitted sheepishly, clearing your throat as you felt yourself grow more awkward by the second.

Ben quickly looked you up and down, but it didn't go unnoticed by you.

"You're even more beautiful than I first thought." Ben told you, making a warm heat pool in your stomach that spread all the way up to your cheeks.

"Thanks, Ben." You replied, sitting down and quickly lowering yourself into the pool, wanting to at least cover yourself up partially, plus it was getting rather chilly just standing on the edge like a lemon. The water was relatively warm, and it felt so natural to slip into it, you couldn't help but smile as you felt the warmth wrap around your body, in between your fingers and toes. Ben pushed away, and you swum after him, heading towards the shallower part of the pool.

It was here that you could eventually stand up, the water just reaching your collarbones whilst it only just made it up to Ben's pectorals.

"Feeling okay?" Ben asked you, moving his hands in the water, feeling the way it swirled around him, creating little currents. You nodded, bouncing on your tiptoes.

Ben stepped a little closer to you, and your heartbeat went a little funny when he nibbled on his lower lip, now flushing a deep red colour by how often he seemed to bite on it. You wondered if it was a habit or something to do with nerves, although you couldn't fathom why he'd be nervous around you.

"Is that everything you had on your mind?" He asked you, a drop of water slipping down his cheek and eventually dripping off his jawline. It was a pretty sharp jawline.

You shrugged. "There was this other thing, a dinner party, but it's alright, I've decided not to go." You told him nonchalantly. Ben pulled a face, his bottom lip sticking out a little in a pout.

"Why not?" He asked, splashing you playfully with a little water. You giggled, splashing him back, the water simply hitting his chest and running over his rock-hard muscles. You swore mentally at yourself to stop looking at his body.

"Because it's a high school reunion, hosted by a really popular girl who's now a model, and my ex who dumped me before prom has RSVP'd that he's going. I don't fancy turning up single and having to deal with him the entire night." You grimaced. Ben nodded, understanding your reasoning for not wanting to go.

"Just get a date for the evening." He told you, splashing a little harder, a few droplets of water hitting your cheek. You shook your head, partially due to the fact that Ben was going to get drowned if he kept pushing his luck.

"It's too short notice." You sighed, chucking a rather large amount of water at him. Ben wiped the water off his face with a grin.

"I'll go with you then." He offered, slapping his hand on the surface of the water, creating a huge spray of water that drenched your face and your hair. You gasped in shock, jumping on Ben and trying to push him under the water, but with little luck as he was far stronger than you and had anticipated your move.

His strong hands gripped onto your hips, holding you still as you burst into a fit of giggles at your pathetic attempt of shoving his head underwater. You didn't even register how close you now had gotten to Ben, hands resting on his shoulders as his toned abs were pressed against your stomach. The heat that radiated off the two of you as you stayed pressed together was intense, Ben's eyes flicking down to your lips on more than one occasion.

"So?" Ben practically whispered, unable to stop himself from letting his hand slip a little higher up to rest on your waist. The sensation of his hand on your bare skin made you shiver. But you remembered he had asked you a question, so you tried to remain focused on the conversation rather than how you enjoyed his hands on your body.

"Erm...So what?" You asked, having a momentary lapse of memory loss.

Ben chuckled, with you being able to feel the rumble of his chest under your hands. "Want me to go to this dinner party with you? I'll pose as your boyfriend or something, and make your ex see what he missed out on." Ben offered, explaining the little plan he had concocted. Your eyes widened in surprise.

"You mean, be my...fake boyfriend?" You laughed, unable to believe what you had just heard.

"Well, I never said fake, but sure." Ben joked, but you didn't miss his quick glance at your lips again.

Could Ben be interested in you?

You shook off the thought quickly, scolding yourself for how ridiculous you sounded.

But still, the offer of having Ben as your boyfriend was inviting, even if it was just for one night. Plus, you could rub it in your ex's face.

How wonderful that sounded.

With a mischievous smile, you agreed to Ben's plan.

□■□■□■□■□

It was two days after your trip to the swimming pool with Ben, and you were finishing up your makeup in the bathroom mirror, knowing Ben was coming to pick you up in the next few minutes. You hadn't forgotten about this night however, but you had been a little late in getting ready, as you had been on the phone to your mother about the dinner party.

When she'd asked if you were going alone, you had mentioned Ben, but stated firmly that it was simply as friends. Your mother hadn't sounded very convinced.

Now the evening was upon you, you had butterflies in your stomach. It was silly, but it almost felt like a date to you, even though you had told yourself countless times today that it wasn't, if anything it was an operation.

Operation: Jealous Asshole Ex.

You'd put a lot of effort into your appearance tonight as well, but you didn't know if it was because you were doing it to pile on the jealousy, or if it was because you were going to be with Ben.

Either way, you scrubbed up pretty well.

It was a black dress that your mother had bought for you. You'd had a bonding day together and went to a huge shopping centre where you'd had lunch and treated yourselves. You'd been rather resistant to let your mum get you something, especially a dress that you'd had no idea when you would ever wear. But now you were grateful.

The dress zipped up your back to your shoulder blades and had a halter neck front but with a cut out that showed off a little bit of cleavage. It had built in breast support and boy; did it support alright. You'd never known your boobs to look so bouncy and voluptuous.

It was pretty modest in length as it came down to the top of your knee, but it was devilishly tight, hugging every single part of your body, hiding nothing. Had it not been so figure-hugging you would have considered wearing something over the top, but due to its tight form, it seemed to make everything look slimmer and curvy.

Whilst you detested heels, you had nothing flat to wear that matched, so you begrudgingly borrowed a pair of black stilettos from one of your friends. You'd curled your hair instead of tying it up and let it hang loose, framing your now dolled-up face.

You liked this style. It made you look confident and sexy.

Something you often struggled to feel.

The doorbell rang downstairs and your heart began to thump heavily in your chest.

Ben was here.

You grabbed your phone and carefully got down the stairs without any injuries. You were certain that you'd trip and twist your ankle by the end of the night.

There was no hesitation this time as you opened your door, eager to find out what Ben would think of how you looked.

You didn't have to wait long to find out, as his mouth physically dropped open when he laid his eyes on you. But you were no better as you gaped at how handsome he looked.

He was sporting a black blazer with shiny black lapels, alongside some tight black dress trousers. What made your jaw drop was the shirt. You recognised it as one he'd worn at a premiere for Bohemian Rhapsody, having seen photos online, but in person you couldn't stop staring. It was made of a mesh kind of material, slightly opaque, just enough to be able to see how defined and toned he was under his clothes.

"Ben.." You trailed off. You couldn't deny how good he looked, and it was impossible for you to tear your eyes away from him.

Ben was quick to speak up in your silence.

"You look stunning. Absolutely gorgeous." He complimented you, extending a hand out to you. You took it without hesitation as he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to your cheek. You could smell the cologne he'd put on, the intoxicating scent drawing you in closer. He was so magnetic to you, attracting you like a moth to a flame.

"And you don't look half bad yourself." You joked when he pulled back from you. Ben rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"What, this old thing?" He waved it off, feigning disinterest. You bit your lower lip just at the sight of him laughing, looking so ravishing in his suit. His hair was slicked to one side, with a couple of blond strands falling over his forehead.

"I don't doubt that tonight will be a success with you looking like that." You told him, as you headed towards his car. He opened the door, just like he had done a couple of days ago, only he stayed and helped you into the car, keeping a hand firmly on your back for support. When you were in, he gave you one last smile before shutting the door and returning to the driver's side.

He was treating you so nicely, it made your heart swell.

This felt a lot like a date to you.

But you knew that it wasn't really. So you pushed the thought out of your mind and waited patiently for him to begin to drive to the dinner party. But before he did, Ben remembered something and slipped his hand inside his blazer. You watched quizzically, wondering whether he'd forgotten something, until he pulled out a singular, red rose.

It wasn't real, and Ben explained it was to make sure that you never had to get rid of it, that it would be forever permanent. You just about fainted at his sweet gesture, fingers trembling slightly as you took the rose from him, stroking the petals that were made of velvet.

"You're such a charmer." You giggled, leaning over and kissing his cheek quickly, pulling back before he could react. Although it was dark as he drove you both towards the party, you could swear that in the glow of the street lights, his cheeks had gone a faint red.

Had you made him all flustered?

It humoured you to think so, but how likely was it to be that you'd managed to make him blush?

You didn't think about it anymore as you sat in silence for the rest of the journey, albeit a comfortable silence.

It wasn't until you arrived at the house that you started to feel some jitters. There were cars parked along the street, lots of guests having already arrived. You dreaded to think how many you would remember, and how many might remember you. But you were only here for one thing, and you intended to carry out the plan you and Ben had devised.

Once Ben had parked up, you both hopped out and crossed the road towards the house. Although it was more of an estate really.

"Jesus, this place isn't half posh." Ben muttered under his breath, shoving his hands in his pockets as you both walked down the fully-packed driveway. You hummed in agreement, but in reality you were trying to calm the nerves coursing through you, straightening your dress and fixing your hair.

You'd like to think you'd changed considerably since high school, but who knew?

Ben noticed your nerves and brought one of his hands out of his pocket to grab yours. You startled at the sudden contact and the unusual action, something that neither of you had done before.

"What are you-"

"Come on." Ben interrupted, throwing you a playful wink as he noticed your confusion. He pulled you along towards the front door. He was the one to push the doorbell button, hearing the little chime from inside. The entire door was made of frosted glass, so you could see a dark shape getting closer as the person on the other side approached.

Gripping Ben's hand a little tighter, you let out a deep breath before the door was opened.

And there she was.

Amelia Hargreeves.

The host of the evening, who hadn't seemed to of changed a bit, save for her chest being a lot bigger than it was, and her curves having gotten even more curvier than when she was 16. Although she had dark brunette hair, it was a little lighter at the tips, hinting that she'd gotten a balayage recently. The dress she wore was beautiful, obviously made specifically for her by some clothing brand.

But she wore a smile as she greeted you and Ben. You noticed the big engagement ring on her left hand and sighed a little, glad that you wouldn't have to worry about her possibly trying to get on with Ben. Not that it should really matter to you.

"Oh my god, hi!" She pulled you in, giving you an air kiss on either side of your cheeks, before doing the same with Ben. "I'm so glad you made it, please come in. Geoffrey and I were just talking about you!" Amelia ushered you both inside.

You put on a big smile, perhaps a little too forced, but still believable. "I hope we aren't late." You replied, stepping into the spacious, open hallway. You could hear soft music and chatter down the hall, knowing that everyone must be through there.

Amelia shut the door, beaming at the two of you. "Not at all! Please, come through and meet everyone else. God, you look so beautiful tonight, I love the dress." Amelia lead you down the hall, passing numerous pieces of art, pictures and decor.

You couldn't help but feel a little sense of pride in yourself. Amelia, whilst she had never been cruel to you in school, hadn't exactly been the best person ever, often a little self-centred and egotistical. But she was being especially nice to you tonight, and you had to wonder if perhaps she'd changed her tune.

"Thank you, and I love yours as well." You complimented her back, to which she laughed, a little, tinkling laugh.

"Thanks, it's Louis Vuitton." She giggled.

You had to refrain from rolling your eyes just a little.

She looked over her shoulder at Ben, giving him a warm smile.

"You're an unfamiliar face though, how do you two know each other?" She asked, looking back and forth between you both, waiting for one of you to answer. You clammed up, hoping Ben would take the lead in spinning this web of lies.

"We met on set actually, we're currently seeing each other." Ben smiled proudly, to which Amelia cooed.

"How sweet! Geoffrey and I met in Milan, I was over there, and he was doing a shoot with me in it. We're engaged." She waggled her hand, as if we hadn't seen the boulder of a stone on her finger.

Ben smiled. "That's lovely."

He was far better at this small talk business than you were, and for that you were so grateful.

The chatter of voices had gotten louder now as you reached the big open space, a giant living room with ceiling-to-floor windows overlooking the garden. The ceiling was tall and had a large, modern-looking chandelier in the middle, casting a golden light over the entire room. People were sat around, and many were stood in little groups, all talking amongst themselves. Some were in deep conversation, whilst others were laughing at whatever one person had said. It was a calm and relaxed atmosphere.

A few pairs of eyes spotted you instantly, and many people turned to the sound of heels clicking on the wooden floor. Ben let go of your hand, much to your distress, until he slipped his arm around your waist, pulling you a little closer into him. You were grateful for the support.

Amelia introduced the two of you, which had your face turning a deep red as many watched on, Ben smiling at anyone who happened to be looking your way. When Amelia had moved on, a couple of people came up to you instantly. You recognised them both.

Keerah and Jonathan. Both of them had been in your maths class.

Keerah's thick, black hair was tied in a braid that trailed down the length of her back, with little beads and rings woven in, and she wore a deep blue gown with a white sash around the middle. Jonathan's curly red hair was now cut short, so that the curls stayed close to his head instead of the wild mop he had sported in high school. He was wearing a white, short-sleeved shirt and skinny black tie. He'd actually been rather nice in school, often mucking around in class to entertain the students, much to the teacher's chagrin.

"I thought that was you!" Keerah laughed, giving you a quick hug and shaking Ben's hand. "You barely look like yourself anymore! Wow, 12 years makes a difference, huh?"

She was sweet to you and Ben, and Jonathan piped up, a bottle of beer in his hand.

"You haven't got drinks? Come on, let's get you something." He led the two of you over to the built-in bar at one side of the room. There was even a man in uniform stood behind it, waiting to serve whoever came up. You ordered a glass of white wine, but only a small, whereas Ben went with a bottle of beer, the same as Jonathan.

"I thought you were driving?" You asked Ben, brows knitting together as he took a swig from the bottle. He gives you a smile.

"I'll just have one, and if I end up having more we can get a taxi. Don't worry, baby." He smirked. You almost keeled over at the little nickname he had decided on adopting for you. You hadn't expected any names to be brought into play, but you sure as hell weren't complaining. You just took a sip of your wine, listening as Jonathan asked Ben about what he did for a job.

Ben wound an arm around you, pulling you into his side.

"I'm an actor, I just starred in a film that came out in the back end of last year." Ben sipped his bottle, watching Jonathan's eyes grow wide.

"Blimey mate, what was it?" Jonathan asked, fully interested.

"Bohemian Rhapsody."

Keerah gasped. "Oh shit, you're the drummer!" She laughed, covering her mouth. Ben nodded, to which Jonathan shakes his hand.

"Bloody hell, good on you mate." He replied, still in awe. Keerah tapped your shoulder, drawing your attention away from Ben, who you had been watching, no doubt with a stupid smile on your face.

"Did you know Jacob was coming?" She asked. You grimaced at the name, recognising it all too well. Ben's ears must have pricked up as his head also turns to look at Keerah.

"Jacob?" Ben echoes, to which Keerah laughs nervously.

"Sorry, didn't mean to bring up your old flame, but I remember how it ended with you two and I didn't want you to get a nasty surprise if you saw him." Keerah apologised to you and Ben, but you waved it off with a laugh.

"Don't apologise, it was 12 years ago. How petty would I be to still hold a grudge against the bloke?" You joked, earning laughs from Jonathan and Keerah, even a chuckle from Ben, but that was more because of the fact that he knew the reason why you were both here.

Jonathan took a long gulp from his bottle before spotting something out the corner of his eye.

"Well shit, it's a good job you don't have a grudge, because he's coming over now." Jonathan put a hand on Keerah's elbow, mentioning that perhaps they should give you and Jacob some space. Keerah agreed and they left, promising to speak to you and Ben later.

You turned to Ben, panic set in your eyes as you stared into his perfectly calm ones. He noticed your worry and set his drink down on the bar, placing both his hands on your shoulders.

"You feeling okay?" He asked, worry laced into his words. You couldn't help but feel a little happy at how he fretted over you and the genuine concern he seemed to show.

"Yeah, with you here I'll be fine." You assured him, placing a hand on the lapel of his jacket. Ben pressed his hand over yours, curling his fingers around yours and bringing your hand to his lips, kissing it softly as he continued to look at you. You could feel him smiling against your skin, and the simple gesture had your head reeling, wishing he would stop being so charming. But that was his whole point of being here tonight.

There was a gentle pressure on your back, the cold hand against your bare skin making your blood freeze. The sound of your name on his tongue made you want to turn around and punch him in the face. Ben lowered your hand, but kept a firm grip on it, his eyes instantly going from twinkling to dark and threatening as he looks behind you.

Turning around, you were met with the very man you had come to see tonight, but now wished you were a million miles away from. Jacob.

His brunette hair was still wavy and long, the ends brushing the collar of his black shirt that was unbuttoned at the top. He wore no tie, but instead he donned a smooth, arrogant smirk on his lips. He no doubt still thought he was the shit, as it was blatantly obvious by the way he looked past you at Ben, raising a single eyebrow silently.

You could feel Ben tense behind you, and you wondered if he might actually punch Jacob.

Part of you secretly prayed for it.

Jacob was the first to speak. "Well, I'll have to admit I didn't expect you to be looking so foxy tonight, so colour me impressed." He joked, sticking his hands in his pocket and letting his head fall slightly to one side, letting his gaze travel up and down your body at an excruciatingly slow pace.

Ben cleared his throat, causing Jacob's eyes to snap back up and look at the intimidating blond behind you.

"Hello mate, loved the film." Jacob stuck his hand out for Ben to shake, which he did. Very firmly.

Jacob couldn't completely hide the wince as Ben squeezed his hand to death. You had to admit it was a little hot seeing Ben so worked up, using his body to appear more intimidating to Jacob.

"Thanks, bud." Ben replied with a smile, although his eyes remained cold.

Jacob shifted his gaze back to you, giving you a lazy smile. "So, how have you been?"

You braved a smile as you spoke to him, remaining civil but uninterested. "Good, made some good friends and worked on some big films, such as the one I met Ben on." You leaned into Ben, feeling his hands go to your waist and pull you against his chest. Jacob nodded.

"Yes, you seem very happy together. How long have you been dating?" He asked, the tone in his voice dripping with sarcasm. You felt the itching urge in your hand to slap him cross the face. Ben hummed, turning you to face him and leaning down to look at you, his face inches away from yours.

"It's been a few months hasn't it, baby?" He asked, one hand slipping up your back to rest at the nape of your neck. Ben looks at you through heavy, almost lust-filled eyes, that bottom lip being caught in between his teeth as he gazed down at you. You knew it was just an act, but you liked having this opportunity to have fun. So you slipped your hands up to link around his neck, pulling him a little further in, giving him an award-winning smile of your own.

Ben showed no surprise at your sudden change in mood, instead he seemed to lap it up.

"That sounds about right..." You purred. "Baby."

The name he had now affectionately called you twice came as shock to him when it came from your mouth. Ben knew he shouldn't be finding it hot, the way you spoke to him and how you looked at him. But he had initially been acting at the start of the night, only now it didn't seem like it was pretend anymore.

He'd never seen you like this before, and he couldn't help but wonder if you were actually flirting with him out of your own interest.

Remembering that Jacob, the self-righteous asshole, was still stood in front of them, Ben devised a smart, little plan to get them away from him. And to also make Jacob regret ever deciding to dump you, and to even think he could try to speak to you again.

Leaning down to your ear, he whispered, "Follow me."

You looked over at Jacob who was stood there, looking rather irritated at how little you seemed to care about this presence, before looking back at Ben. Nodding your head, Ben turned to Jacob with a shit-eating grin.

"Excuse us, we have some business to take care of."

The numerous suggestions that statement left hanging in the air made you want to blush, and Jacob seemed unable to hide his scowl at the two of you as Ben pushed you away from the bloke. You daren't look over your shoulder, but out the corner of your eye you saw Ben wink at Jacob from over his shoulder, before walking alongside you.

The two of you were walking back towards the hallway that you'd arrived from, the slightly darker corridor leading away from the room. You weren't out of the room just yet, but that must have been Ben's plan, as he stopped you just before the corner where you two would vanish out of Jacob's sight.

"Sorry about this." Ben muttered to you, and before you could ask what he meant, he pulled you in and smashed his lips to yours in a hungry kiss. You couldn't help the moan that escaped you as he slipped a hand to the back of your head, running his fingers through your hair and pulling slightly, the other one trailing down to playfully grab a handful of your ass.

Although you were supposed to just be acting, you knew that everything you did in retaliation to Ben was 100% of your own accord and your own attraction to the man that was currently making out with you. He pulled away, bringing your lips apart for just a few seconds so he could whisper to you.

"Walk back a little." He commanded you, before bringing his lips back to yours and slowly pushing you backwards. You did as he asked, making little steps back until you felt the cold plaster of the wall behind you, meaning that you were pinned against Ben.

With his body pressed against yours, you couldn't help but get a little more desperate in your kissing. You parted your lips a little and Ben knew instantly what you wanted, his tongue slipping into your mouth as you deepened the kiss.

"Ben-" You gasped, as his kisses began to trail down from your mouth, travelling along your jawline and down your neck. He hummed in response but didn't stop. You moaned, but then quickly bit down on your lip to stifle it, not wanting anyone to come along and find you both.

"Ben...Baby, please." You whined, accidentally letting the nickname slip from your mouth. He stopped the kisses on your neck, bringing his face up to look at you again. His lips were slightly swollen and red, and was a little laboured in his breathing, but you found it all extremely hot.

"Baby?" He teased. You fidgeted, looking away from him in embarrassment.

"Sorry, it just slipped." You mumbled. Ben rolled his eyes, hooking a finger under your chin and bringing your face up so that you would look at him.

"Yes, and that intense make out session we just had was definitely me just acting." He told you, the sarcasm dripping off his tongue as he looked back and forth from your eyes to your lips that were no doubt swollen like his.

"When did you stop acting?" You asked, biting your lower lip as you toyed with the lapels of his jacket. Ben laughed quietly.

"When I picked you up to go swimming, two days ago."

You blink in surprise, casting your mind back to the day in question. Those kind things he said, the way he admired you and seemed so pleased when you joined him in the pool. When he had offered to be your boyfriend.

"At least we don't have to lie to these people anymore." You giggled, leaning forward and standing up onto your tiptoes to kiss him gently on his soft, pink lips. Ben didn't back away from the kiss when you did, instead leaning in again to stop your lips from breaking contact.

After one more long and passionate kiss, he finally reigned it in enough to pull away. He held out his hand for you, visibly happy when you took it without hesitation, before you began to walk back into the party together.

"Let's knock 'em dead, baby."

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Unapologetic - Confessions of an Imperfect Human

It is unpleasant and disturbing to be rejected.  It is deeply satisfying to be accepted – Stephen Covey

That word “validation” has become so tainted for me, reminding me of my obsessive need to feel secure in my decisions both personally and professionally, a year ago I would have told you that all I wanted were for people to like me, that growing up in the light leaves you desperate to always be the best, to make people aware of what meals were brought to the table, A year ago I would have told you that every move I made was dictated by people I trust edand someone who never had any good intentions for me at all – but as he was my superior, the person who held my professional growth in his hands- I wanted his approval – and with that came the desperate need to make someone else happy, even when it didn’t feel right for me and for that the word validation became tainted, it became an addiction and I quickly developed the need for more, I wanted to know that I was doing a good job and that all the work I had been putting in was paying off, not even realizing that my entire decision making abilities were taken over by my need for approval by others- I sacrificed my own ambitions and life to have the approval of someone that in the end, their approval and validation meant Shit!!  And you can argue that you are not part of the 100% of man kind that has asked to be validated in some way- but reality is there are common behaviours which we all fail to recognize as approval seeking.  Sometimes these behaviours are used as tactical compromise to maybe keep the peace or maybe the situation is really not that important to you – you still don’t believe me…allow me to list 5 and tell me how many you are guilty of –

-          Changing or softening your position because someone appears to disapprove.

-          Paying insincere compliments to gain approval

-          Feeling upset, worried or insulted when someone disagrees with you

-          Expressing agreement (verbally or non-verbally) when you do not agree

-          Doing something that you do not want to do because you are afraid to say NO!

Guilty Guilty Guilty…

Let’s try 5 more…

-          Failing to complain when you have received poor service, or a product not fit for purpose

-          Spreading bad news and gossip to gain attention

-          Asking permission when it is not required

-          Pretending to be knowledgeable or an authority on a subject because you are afraid to admit that there is something you do not know

-          Attempting to coax people into paying you compliments and/or getting upset when they fail to do so

Ladies, we ask for validation when we go shopping with our friends and come out to show them or take a selfie to send to them to help us decide, recording artists seek validation when they put their music out there by having listening parties and sending teasers out to radio stations- and  parents question their own decisions when it comes to situations regarding their kids so they turn to facebook groups that are made up of thousands of strangers who all have their own opinions on what is  considered norm for raising children these days and we think that those are the people qualified to co-parent our children so here we are -all guilty of it- all trying to get the same thing from one person or another- Validation- and yet we think that we shouldn’t seek it because maybe we are considered to be self centered, or self absorbed or maybe simply seeking it leaves us vulnerable to outsiders trying to change our behaviour to favour their needs…my therapist however has convinced me to perceive the word differently –

To break down what the word actually means -

1.       the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.

2.       the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.

3.       recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

In this case all 3 are the same for me – I received some incredible news last week and when my therapist asked me how I felt about it I took a deep breath, sighed and said “validated, which is terrible to say-but exactly how I feel” Puzzled with my answer, she went on to ask why I thought it was “terrible” for me to feel validated and without hesitating I said “because that word is tainted for me” and she asked me to explain- 

“you see Susan, taking a stand against sexual harassment, putting yourself in a position where you are vulnerable, open and raw should feel “terrible” and hearing the things people had to say about me was draining and it made me question everything, I spent nights crying myself to sleep wondering where I went wrong, how this all happened- replaying it over and over so much so that that terrible feeling almost became a part of me - but when I got that letter I felt (as I took a deep breathe) “validated” considering for the past few months I’ve been told I needed to be quiet and knowing that I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen next scared me so I did exactly what society told me to do- Change but now for the first time since having come out about “Surviving Wall street” someone heard me and it was finally being taking seriously, it feels amazing to have some control back because for the past year I have had none, it’s such an emotional rollercoaster”…and I went on to tell her that for the first time in 6 months,  I slept!

And she just smiled at me – and we sat there quiet for a minute and she made me realize there is a human need to feel validated, that we are pre-disposed to it, because as we’ve grown up we were taught that our feelings should be validated, our dreams encouraged and sought after, our actions whether it be at the office or at home acknowledged not for what you can get in return but for the effort that was put forward in general – it isn’t what we are asking to be validated for that should change,  it’s WHO we seek validation from that should change- as CEO of your own life you should be the only person who can validate your emotional well being maybe then we will no longer feel the need to seek validation from men, or our bosses or coworkers or even the random people we see on a day to day basis… We were taught as children that a man can either make us or break us and somewhere down the road that conversation started to change and it wasn’t until recently that women have realized that they don’t need to be validated by any one person and in fact, peoples opinions mean nothing!

I am not even kidding, since the beginning of time (my time, lol) I can remember us (women) altering our behaviour to seek the validation of a man…and how we continue to do it well into adulthood, parenting and so much more- maybe without even realizing it or maybe for reasons we are yet to understand. I am thinking about the women who are going out this week and trying on new shirts for the occasion, desperate to put forth the best first impression - failing to realize that underneath that perfectly applied make up and brand new shirt that she is probably never going to wear again is a down to earth, confident girl who just needs to throw her hair in a pony tail and just be herself – because at the end of the day her personality is her best asset (and you can look super cute in work out clothes too)  

Or me, for example- the mama who calls on the 3 strongest and most fierce women I know when I feel the need to be validated  - I call my mom when I need my mom (which is almost everyday lol) but when I wanted to file with Human rights my mom was right by my side  and when I need  that level headed person to talk me out of something - I call my sister because she always gives the best advice and when I need someone to rally with me because my own kid needs to be validated I call my mother in law because without a doubt she always has my back! But without those 3 women I would be left questioning my every move as parent- especially with so many parenting opinions out there these days from breast feeding to circumcision to even how we educate our children- you cannot make a move without the whole world watching, and when the whole world is watching you become terrified to actually be ourselves out of fear someone might have something to say again not only when it comes to being a mama but being a wife or even a woman in general, it’s ridiculous how we change our behaviour, how we adapt our mannerisms, our appearances and our thinking to fit the social norms of today and how we are left with watered down and filtered versions of ourselves- manufactured to fit other people’s needs. 

I posted a photo the other day with the caption  “Andrea said “just fucking post it, because you look bomb”  -I really struggled with making the decision to post it so much so that I stopped myself a few times from making it public, but to be honest I really needed her to say that (not only as a friend but a mama and wife as well) and so within a few minutes of her “validating” my desire to post it, I posted it and while It was the first time I posted something that showed a little more skin (classic sports bra and underwear) it felt empowering and it was no longer a scary thing -  I have always been confident enough in my body to show it off “curves for days” as I am told, something I have always been super embarrassed about and ashamed of but this photo was different, this photo made it clear that I have learned to embrace every so called flaw – it showed off how much progress I’ve made both physically and mentally and in one picture you could tell I how much I love my body just the way it was and my husband certainly didn’t have a problem with it being posted (you’re fucking hot” he said lol) The reason I was against originally posting it was simply because it was not “socially acceptable” for me to post something with that much skin (when I am a mom and a wife) even though my bathing suit is considered perfectly acceptable to be photographed in. This goes back to all 10 of those unconscious approval seeking traits that I mentioned earlier, in that moment of self doubt I was guilty of ALL of them and I felt more concerned with people’s opinions of me. “I can’t post that Andrea, do you know how much shit people are going to talk, the disgusting messages I am going to get” all I could think about was that my bother in law follows me, my 15 year old nephew, a few students from work have found their way over to my page and I know that given my circumstances where my desperate need to be liked has landed me in position that is not ideal, I was worried about how it was all going to be perceived…

”She only posted that for attention”

"She just wants the likes”

“Wow, I can’t believe she just posted that”

Before it was even made public I felt ashamed of my body, ashamed of how proud I was for how far I’ve come, ashamed that I wanted to show it off because lets remember just wearing pants with holes in them was seen as an invitation for unwanted sexual advances and I couldn’t imagine the comments I was going to get with that photo being posted-because from my experience, men cannot seem to keep their desires to themselves (even when they legally need to) but let me tell you something- among a few gross and now blocked messages- there were some incredible comments that just made my heart so full and reminded me that my social media is not for anyone else but me and that Andrea was right, I did look bomb and I knew that- and that was actually the only validation that I needed in that moment, the confidence I had to wear that proud - I needed a reminder that you all are guests on my page and have chosen to come there, to follow me and in the end I need to be proud of the content that I decided to put out there that I had control of the message that I was sending to women- so I wanted to share a few of those incredibly kind messages that were sent to me in hopes that you all realize that validation does not need to be tainted- if used correctly “validation” can be inspiring as well.

“You’ve come such a long way since I first met you Jenna, the most important thing was with then and now, you’re smile. Keep doing what you’re doing…you’re amazing..never forget that” – T

“I have been watching your journey for a while and you are inspiration, keep going.”

“you look amazing girl! How much weight have you lost? Keep killing it”

“Girl, you look mint. Soak up all the good feels, you deserve them”

“You look amazing Jenna!! I’m so jealous. How do you manage to look toned and fit and still look thick (in a good way) you’re body is my dream girl”

As I said earlier, there is a message here…. We do not need be ashamed of our bodies, we do not need to be ashamed of being proud of them, we do not need to be ashamed of wanting to show them off and we should be allowed to do that.  90% of the comments (and somewhat dirty comments/messages) were from the women who felt inspired by what I had posted- who made me feel amazing in my own skin- who “Validated” my desire to post that photo-  I have been working non-stop these past few months on personal growth, I have taken time off, started meditating, started therapy and grew (and shrank lol) in so many ways… It has been a roller coaster of emotions lately, all for many different reasons but when another woman takes the time out of her day to leave a comment as simple and as beautiful as

“Your confidence is radiant”

Then you can’t help but feel confident, and radiant and like you can take on the world (or a person) without feeling guilty of wanting recognition for it -  just make sure it is from the right people, seeking validation from the wrong person or even social media can lead to destructive behaviour even without us realizing we are doing it!  And something else to remember – women stand taller when they build one another up- so be a fucking pineapple and stand tall baby- women supporting women is a whole new way of life!

[commandercrouton]

KogKag Secret Santa 2017

I apologize to everyone who participated with @kogkagsecretsanta​ for my late submission. This past week had been crazy. I was assigned @kagomehigurashi​, and as an apology I made her story 2 parts, so expect another tag soon. :)

Part 1|

Kouga stood awkwardly at recess watching the other kids play. Being the new kid in the middle of the school year was rough. He knew being ten years old would be tough, but he had no idea it would be this tough. His classmates would laugh and chase each other around the playground.

“What’s your name?”

Kouga looked up and found a younger girl with blue-grey eyes and long black hair staring at him curiously.

“Kouga,” he answered her.

“I’m Kagome. Why aren’t you playing with your friends?”

“I don’t have any friends. Today is my first day.”

“Oh.” Kagome stood next to him along the fence. A moment of silence passed between them, and then she continued, “I don’t have any friends right now either.”

“Why not?”

“They all started acting weird when my daddy died over the summer.”

Kouga felt sadness fill him up as he saw this nice little girl standing there awkwardly next to him.

“I’ll be your friend!” he declared.

She smiled at him. He noticed a couple of holes in her mouth from when her baby teeth fell out.

“Wanna play tag?”

“Sure, but I have to warn you, I’m pretty fast,” Kouga told her, giving her a ten second head start before chasing after her. The two chased after each other laughing until her teacher called her in. Kouga knew she was younger than him, and watched as his new friend waved goodbye to him. They promised they would find each other the next day.

He went back to staring at his classmates enjoying the day and missing his new friend.

“Hey you’re really fast!” A boy in his class yelled at him. “I’m Ginta, and this is Hakkaku. Do you want to play soccer with us?”

Kouga smiled and ran up to them, happy to have made some friends on his first day.

When his mother picked him up from school that day, he eagerly told her all about his new friends.

“Kagome sounds very sweet, but I’m glad you made friends in your class sweetie,” his mother told him.

“Me too. Kagome is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Well, besides you,” he corrected himself.

His mother laughed. “So there is no problem with you going to school tomorrow then is there?”

Kouga shook his head. He couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

Kagome stood against the fence waiting for Kouga to show up. This was their ritual. She would get out first, and wait for him to show up. Sometimes Ginta and Hakkaku would be with him, and they would all decide what game to play. Sometimes they played sports, tag, hide and seek, and on very special days, they would play pretend. Those were Kagome’s favorite because they told her they were too big to play pretend, but they would indulge her. The group would play pirates, bank robbers, or demons.

The boys called her sister, and she loved it. She never knew what it was like to have an older sibling, and it was great having someone else be there to play with and look out for her. When her baby brother got bigger, she would make sure he felt the same way.

Now that she had other friends, her classmates slowly started to include her in games as well. She loved going to school now.

A boy in the same grade as Kouga came up to her and introduced himself as Bankotsu.

“I need a nurse to help with our war games. Can you do it?”

Kagome shook her head in response. “I’m waiting on my friend. His class is running late.”

“But you are the only one not playing with anyone. Come on,” he grabbed her arm and tried to pull her to his group of friends.

“I said no,” she yelled and pushed him down.

The boy looked up at her angrily and stood up hurriedly. “You’re gonna pay for that!”

“Leave her alone!” a voice growled from behind them.

Kagome smiled as she realized Kouga, Ginta, and Hakkaku were all glaring at Bankotsu with their arms crossed. She ran over to them, and let Ginta observe her arm that Bankotsu grabbed without a fuss. Kouga protectively put his arm around her.

“Leave our sister alone!” Hakkau yelled at him.

“This doesn’t involve you,” Bankotsu sneered.

“Yes it does. Didn't anyone tell you this third grader is off limits. She’s with us.”

Kagome beamed at Kouga’s words.

“You heard him! I told you I didn’t want to play with you anyways,” Kagome said from behind Kouga. He smiled at the courage his friend had.

“My girl said she didn’t wanna play with you.”

Bankotsu walked up to Kouga and shoved him in the chest. Kouga’s face morphed from angry to shock, then back to angry again. His blue eyes narrowed at Bankotsu before he passed Kagome off to Ginta and Hakkaku and pushed him back.

“Fight!” A kid from the playground yelled out and they students all ran to their group. Bankotsu tackled Kouga and they rolled around in the dirt before a teacher showed up pulling the two apart.

“Principal’s office you two. Now,” he said sternly.

“It wasn’t his fault, he was protecting me,” Kagome spoke up.

The teacher eyed them all and decided to send them all to the principal’s office for the full story. Kagome was in shock. She was never sent to the principal’s office. Never. Only bad children went there. She wasn’t bad, and neither were her friends. It just didn’t make sense.

The principal listened to all sides of the story and only gave detention to Kouga and Bankotsu. Kagome thought it was extremely unfair since Bankotsu grabbed her first, but the principal wouldn’t budge.

Kouga knew it didn’t matter as long as Kagome was safe. He would go through a hundred detentions if it meant no one would lay another hand on her again. And they never did. After that day, everyone knew not to mess with Kagome or her friends.

The school year passed by fast and the next thing Kagome knew she had to say goodbye to her friends. She did her best not to cry and to act like the big girl they told her she was. Her boys were leaving elementary school and going to middle school. Next year it would just be her again.

“I’m going to miss you,” Kagome whimpered, doing her best to blink away the unshed tears.

“You’ll be fine. I know because you’re my girl, and my girl is strong. You’ll find another lonely kid on the playground, and be friends with them. You’ll see,” Kouga tried to placate her.

“Take care sis, we’ll see you in middle school,” Ginta assured her. The boys didn’t have the heart to tell her there was a possibility she was going to a different one. She was too young to realize friends would have to disperse over town once elementary was over.

They all hugged her goodbye and said their last farewell on the last day of school. Kagome knew Kouga would be sad if he knew she cried when his mom picked him up for the last time at their school, so she swore if she ever saw him again, she wouldn’t tell him. She wanted to be the strong girl he thought she was.

10 Years Later

Kagome awoke and rolled over groggily to look at the clock on the side of her desk.

“Shit!” she cursed out loud.

“What happened?” her roommate asked sleepily.

“I’m gonna be late. My final is today!” she screamed.

Sango’s eyes popped open and hopped out of bed in their dorm room like lightning. “It’s okay, we can fix it! Shirt!” she yelled, tossing Kagome a shirt.

“Shirt,” she confirmed as she tossed off her nightgown and slipped the shirt over her body. It was too late to grab a bra.

“Pants!” Sango yelled, throwing one of their many pairs scattered on the floor.

“Are they clean?” Kagome yelled, hopping into one pants leg.

‘Who cares. You have to be across campus in 15 minutes!” Sango argued, tossing her a pair of socks as well.

“Right,” Kagome agreed. Kagome threw her hair up in a bun and rushed to the restroom to brush her teeth. Sango rummaged through their cabinets above the desk and got out a package of pop-tarts. Kagome kicked open their mini-fridge and grabbed a bottle of orange juice with the hand that wasn’t brushing her teeth, and shoved it into her backpack.

Sango placed the pop-tarts in her backpack and looked through the contents of Kagome’s backpack to make sure she had a scantron and pencils for her final.

Kagome rushed back out of the room, her mouth feeling fresh, and her face clean. She didn’t have time to put concealer under the dark circles of her eyes. Sango grabbed Kagome’s sweatshirt and handed it to her as Kagome ran out the door.

“Don’t run too fast without the sweatshirt on, you aren’t wearing a bra!” Sango yelled after her.

Kagome ran down the hallway and pushed open the door to the stairwell. Before she exited the dorm building, Kagome put on the sweatshirt and braced herself for the winter winds. She ran as fast as she could across campus, and by some miracle made it to her final right on time.

She silently thanked whatever guardian angel was out there as she slid into an empty desk and pulled out her scantron and pencil. The student next to her passed down the exam to her, and she passed it on. Kagome looked over the first sheet quickly, and took a breath. She could do this.

Two hours later Kagome walked out of the building feeling somewhat satisfied on how well she did on her final. This was her last one of the fall semester, and all she had to do left was pack up and head back to her hometown with Sango.

Kagome rubbed her eyes and wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed. Other students were walking about to their own separate destinations. She let out a huge yawn, closing her eyes. She let out a small shout as she bumped into something.

“Sorry,” she moaned, “I just got out of a final.”

Kagome opened her eyes to find a guy staring at her strangely. She felt her anger flare under his scrutiny.

“I said I was sorry. Stop staring,” she huffed out and walked past him.

“Kagome?” he asked. His voice told Kagome how unsure he was on who she was.

She stopped in her tracks and turned around. Her eyes roamed over his face and tried to see if she recognized him from anywhere.

“Do I know you?”

“Oh my god it is you! It’s Hakkaku. From grade school, remember?”

“Hakkaku?” She looked him over, and she slowly saw the traces of the boy she used to know. “Jesus, how have you been!?” She ran and hugged him.

“I’ve been good. I’m on my way to the library to study for a final tomorrow.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hold you up,” she immediately apologized.

“No, I didn’t mean that,” he laughed at her response. Same old Kagome.

“You sure? This is my first set of finals, and I am already dying.”

“Oh, are you a freshman?”

Kagome nodded and said, “Yep.”

“I’m a junior. The guys and I got a track scholarship here. All that tag played off.” He smiled at the memories.

“The guys?”

“Kouga and Ginta. Remember them? They would be so happy to see you! What are you doing tomorrow night? We will be done with our finals, what about you?”

“How is Kouga? I cried so hard when he left, but don’t tell him that! I swore I would never tell him. He wanted me to be strong, so I did. Sorry, I don’t mean to ramble, I’m just really tired. But to answer your question, yes, I’m free. Are you sure they’ll want to see me? It’s been so long.”

“Are you kidding!? They’d love to see you. Give me your number and I’ll text you our address. We can order a pizza.” Hakkaku smiled and handed her his phone. She entered in her phone number, and smiled brightly at the invitation.

“I’m in.”

“Great, see you tomorrow!”

Kagome waved goodbye and walked in the direction of her dorm room. Hakkaku watched her walk away with a sentimental smile on his face. It was such a twist of fate that he would bump into her after all this time. The guys would be ecstatic. Especially Kouga.

He continued one his way, finally seeing the library in the distance. Instant relief flooded his senses as the heat from the building enveloped him, warming his body from the cold. Ginta walked over to him with three cups of coffee in his hand. Hakkaku grabbed one from him, and eagerly took a sip.

“Kouga got us a study room on the third floor,” Ginta said as a way to greet his friend.

“Awesome. You will never believe who I ran into,” Hakkaku said, pushing the elevator button to go up.

“Who? Ayame?” Ginta asked.

“No, not her. Kagome Higurashi.”

“Kagome Higurashi? Hmm...Kagome...Kagome…,” Ginta was thinking back through all the people he met through the years. His eyes widened as he comprehended who that was. “Kagome! From elementary school? Holy shit, how is she doing?”

“She’s a freshman here. I invited her over tomorrow night to catch up,” he whispered as they exited the elevator to be respectful of other studying students.

“Kouga is gonna flip,” Ginta whispered back.

“That’s what I said,” Hakkaku replied. “What room is Kouga in?”

“312,” Ginta answered quietly, looking at the room numbers. They walked along the carpeted hallway until the duo came across the room Kouga was in. The door to the room was opened a crack, and they walked in to see Kouga writing equations on the expo board the room provided.

“It's about time you two got here! Where’s my coffee?” Kouga asked, turning around.

Ginta handed Kouga his coffee while Hakkaku set his backpack down on one of the chairs. He pulled out the study sheet and his binder from the class to spread along the table.

“Did you print out the mock exam?” Hakkaku asked his friends.

“Yeah I did. Check my backpack,” Kouga answered and pointed to the black bag in the corner of the room.

“Guess who Hakkaku saw today!” Ginta excitedly said, sipping from his coffee cup.

“Who?” Kouga asked, not looking away from the expo board, trying to work out one of the practice problems.

“Just an old friend. We all go way back,” Ginta answered, eyeing Kouga carefully to see if his expression would change.

“Remember Sister from elementary school?” Hakkaku asked.

Kouga froze and turned around to look at them.

“Kagome? What about her? You saw her!?” he managed to choke out.

“Oh she is a freshman here. I just bumped into her on the way to the library, literally.”

“What was it that you said? That you were going to ‘marry her one day’ and she was ‘your girl,” Ginta recalled.

Kouga blushed at the memories. “She probably doesn’t even remember us. I was just a stupid kid,” he attempted to redeem himself.

“Oh really? So if she did remember us, you wouldn’t want to catch up with her?” Hakkaku smirked at Kouga.

“Why?”

“No reason. I just invited her to our place tomorrow night for dinner. Hope that won’t be an issue,” he mischievously smiled.

Kouga stared at his two friends in shock. He couldn’t believe it. After all this time, he found his Kagome again. He remembered how sweet and kind she was when he needed a friend at the new school. They would have the best times playing games at recess. Back then he had a silly crush on her, but it was nothing real. He wondered what kind of woman she grew into, and if she still had some of the personality he remembered fondly.

A few moments passed in silence with Ginta and Hakkaku staring at their friend, waiting for him to say something, anything.

“Does she remember me?” he finally asked.

Hakkaku smiled and answered, “She definitely does.”

And just for a moment, Kouga’s heart skipped a beat.

[courtof-storms]

The End of Letra, part 2

Previously: 1

------ ------

"What the hells is goin' on here, Red?" Alys asked, trying to get herself buckled back in while another shot impacted the hull and threw her to the floor again.

 "The hells do you think is goin' on, we're crashing. Get your ass in a seat now!" Morrigan told her companion, swinging the shuttle around until she had a shot lined up and let a missile fire. "Tower 5 this is Helion, we are a transport vessel hold your fire, Tower 5...Tower 5, shit, Lysander take control of the weapons, I need to make sure we don't burn up on entry." She called out, punching one of the gauges on the dashboard before the shuttle got hit again, disabling the engines and accelerating their descent.

 "You sure we can trust her Mori? How do we know she didn't call on the attack herself?" Lysander asked. They didn't like or trust their passenger since they picked her up on Timurd, hells she didn't make that much of an effort to give them a reason to. If it was up to them, they would've spaced her the second they were out of Timurd airspace.

"Shut up and man the weapons, try to figure out why the hells they're shooting at us." Morrigan snapped, her concentration more focused on how to get them down in one piece than on the hitchhiker they picked up.

"They're coming from the surface, just hold on, we're in for a rough landing." Alys informed, finally managing to buckle up and taking a flask out of her jacket pocket before polishing it off and putting it back.

"And how the hells would you know-." Lysander started, the crash cut them off before they could finish.

------

Letra City, 125,000 kilometers away

------

 Erin woke up and stumbled out of bed before groggily making her way towards the bathroom to take a shower. The water stung as it ran over her cuts and a couple of them were still bleeding a little, she watched on out of boredom as the water turned a light pink running over the more fresh ones before she started washing her hair. She stayed in there for 10 minutes afterwards, turning the temperature up at the end, letting the heat cleanse her in a way. She didn't bother wrapping up in a towel before inspecting herself in the broken mirror, her red eyes still red and puffy from the last night and her eyeliner all smudged and messed up from the night before last. She ran a hand through her white hair, trying to breathe at least some life back into it. Her gaze shifted down to her torso and she managed a small grin. "Well at least my tits are growing in nicely." She exclaimed, cupping her breasts in her hands. She was glad that the biggest crack in it covered her genitals, she came closer to grabbing a knife and chopping them off with every passing day, but thankfully she had a date set for the surgery in two weeks and she was counting down the days. Erin eventually got herself dressed up in pants, boots, a crop top and vest before her communicator started going off. She rolled her eyes and sighed before activating the earpiece and answering.

"You need something?"

"Erin shut up it's Faith, we have a problem how long until you're able to get down here?" Faith asked, a sense of urgency in her voice.

"I can be there in about ten or so minutes, have to take my hormones and get something to eat." Erin said, making her way to the kitchen so she could take care of what she needed.

"Don't bother, pack a bag, this is gonna be a long one. Now get over here on the pronto, Aria's worried." Faith hung up right afterwards, Erin stopped what she was doing and put the glass back in the cabinet, instead dry swallowing the pills before grabbing the bottles and shoving them in her vest pocket and going back to her room, picking up a bag and stuffing it with some clothes, an extra pair of shoes, a push up bra and a sports bra along with a dress and a jacket. She took the bottles out of her pocket and put them on top of the clothes before zipping up the bag and slinging it over her shoulder. She made her way to the door before instinctively feeling her pockets to make sure she had everything. Her wallet was in her right back pocket, her keys hung from a belt loop on her right hip and her music player in her right front pocket. She got the lighter, dagger, and handgun from the table next to the door, fastening the dagger to her right calf, handgun to her right thigh, and putting the lighter in her left front pocket. She left and locked up. only realizing that she left a pack of cigarettes in the end table next to her bed. Fuck, guess I’m getting another pack, she thought to herself as she made her way down the steps and to the street.

She linked her comm to her music player and walked down the street, listening to the new album from DestrVction, the guitar riffs in sync with the rainfall and accentuating the atmosphere of Letra City, the skyline all lit up with bright advertisements and the occasional lightning strikes. She made her way down to the corner store and saw a number of anti-mutie posters plastered along the walls. Well guess I'll have to use my lighter then, she thought as she entered, buying a pack and lighting one up after she left, smoking it on her way down to the Corrupted Rose.

The streets weren’t much new, then again, Letra City doesn’t hold many surprises when you’ve gone from mental ward to slums for the past five years. The streets were always dingy and the sanitation department hardly came, if at all. The walls were plastered with old missing persons posters, a good number of them have now lost their ink they’ve been up for so long with a few looking much more recent. Erin hardly bothered looking at the posters anymore, in part because a large number of the missing were taken by the military, hells everyone knew that, but a few grief-stricken mothers or friends still feel the need to put them up even if they know it’s pointless. The other main reason she didn’t check them anymore was a few of them were held in the basement of the Corrupted Rose, failed experiments the lot of them. They couldn’t even stay conscious after they saw their insides being pulled out, not like it matters anymore though, their friends and mothers eventually got their missing back just...not in the way they wanted. No one complains about the heat in the winter at least. After a few minutes of walking she went into the Corrupted Rose to see Faith with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face.

"I thought you said you could get here in ten minutes." She asked, more annoyed than anything.

"Yeah, Why? Did it take longer?" Erin asked, flicking the cigarette bud to the floor before lighting up another one, not needing her lighter, instead summoning a small flame from the tip of her index finger.

"You took a half hour getting here. Aria's not gonna be happy about that." Faith said, running her fingers through her light pink hair. "Go, she's in the back, and she's already annoyed as is."

Erin nodded in acknowledgement before walking to the office behind the bar. Once inside she found her cybernetic friend arguing with a short young woman with red hair and an undercut on the left side. She had an odd sheen across her purple skin almost like she just got out of a pool along with fins on the sides of her thighs and forearms and what appeared to be gills in her neck, either that or she got cut up as a kid. Her arms and legs had dark stripes, her hands were entirely webbed together and she wasn’t wearing any shoes revealing the same to be true of her feet. The girl’s choice of clothes was somehow skimpier than what Faith normally wears, she had a bandeau bikini top and shorts that would’ve been more at home under a pair of pants. Erin's eyes met the woman's and she noticed a vertical scar over her right eye, and her eyes were a gorgeous shade of violet with black where the whites of her eyes should be.

[There you are Erin, what fuckin' took you so long?] Aria signed angrily.

"There you go again with that fuckin' hand shit. What the fuck are you trying to do?" The short woman asked.

"She's signing, dipshit. Follow me, we need to reconnect her voice module." Erin hissed, flicking the ashes off of the cigarette and onto the floor and gesturing for the other girl to follow her.

"Who the fuck are you calling dipshit you old whore." She snapped back, putting her hands on her hips, Erin flicked her cigarette on the floor, stamping it out before getting inches away from the mysterious girl's face.

"I'm about as old as you, you ignorant slut. Now, unless you wanna leave here with no clothes and a few new burns, I'd suggest you get over here and help me, it'll go faster with two people." Erin spat. before again gesturing for the other girl to follow. The girl sighed before following Erin back behind Aria.

"So what's the deal here, she a full on robot or a human addicted to augs?" The girl asked as Erin showed her what to do.

[I'm standing right here. I'm mute, not deaf Beliara.] Aria signed, reaching out for a tool on her desk before holding it behind her head for Erin.

"Thanks Aria." Erin started, taking the tool from her and handing it over to the other girl. "Here take this and there's a wire somewhere that came loose. If you can reconnect that then she'll be able to speak again. Think you can handle that or do I need to write it down with pretty pictures for you?" She finished, removing a panel from the back of Aria's neck and bringing her lighter out to help illuminate the inside. The other girl groaned and rolled her eyes before following Erin's instructions.

"Ok, it's done, what was this thing for though?" The girl asked, waving the instrument around. Aria got up and replaced the panel on the back of her neck as she turned to face the other two.

"That's my vibrator, can you put it back in my desk drawer?" Aria asked, cracking a smile as the words left her lips. Erin cackled as the other girl freaked out and dropped it on the floor. "I'm kidding, it's a tiny laser thing I found on the way home. It does vibrate though, I don't know why. Oh good you met, Erin, meet Beliara, Beliara this is Erin. Go ahead and get Faith, Bel has something to share with the class."  Erin nodded and went to the door to get Faith. Bel scowled at Aria and put the laser on her desk.

"So the old one is Erin, the pink one is Faith, I take it you're Aria?" Bel asked, stepping back and leaning on the wall, scratching the left side of her head.

"Correct, and I have to say that you're a lot cuter than I would've thought. Erin's not that old, she's as old as we are, just likes having white hair. Faith is former military, she doesn't talk about it much though."

"There's a reason for that, Aria. Now what's going on? You said it was important." Faith asked, closing the door behind Erin and stood at attention in front of the desk as Erin moved to the wall opposite of Bel.

"You make a habit of touching other people's vibrators or was that just a one-time thing?" Erin asked with a smirk. Bel shot Erin a death glare in response as Erin lit up another cigarette with her middle finger and a wink Bel's way.

"You're a fuckin' mutie. Get your ass over here, I'm taking you to the Authority." Bel shouted, making her way to Erin. Erin placed her cigarette in the corner of her mouth before drawing her gun and pointing it at Bel.

"Reporting me to those fucks for being a human with magic? Gods that’s rich, they already know fish, they fucking came by the Citadel the second my instructors learned about it! Now, if you wanna keep your kneecaps in working order, which I’m thinking you do, you’re gonna shut up and act like I’m a tiefling, ok sugar?" Erin informed. Bel hesitated for a second before going back to her wall, muttering something unpleasant under her breath. Erin smirked and gave her gun a twirl before holstering it. Aria looked at Erin and then Bel and then back at Erin.

"You two fuckin' done or should I get a room for you?" Aria started, taking one of her eyes out and fiddling with it before replacing it and finishing her thought. "Now Bel, you said you had something for us? Also to answer your question I need the augs to survive." Erin jumped when she heard that.

“Wait, SHE’S our employer for this gig!? Why the hells didn’t you say so earlier Aria, I would’ve put on my lucky underwear when I got dressed.”

“You were too busy mouthing off to her Erin, and if I remember right, you burned your lucky underwear after a vampire threw her drink on you and left your bar in disgust. Now shut up and let Bel speak.” Aria replied, Erin slunk down in defeat as she mumbled an apology to Bel and waited to be told what the job was.

"Oh, well ok then. Last night we lost an operative, Morrigan. She and her A.I. unit Lysander were on the way to Skorri for a security job, simple guard job for the cyclical summit. They got shot down over Jolder, one of the moons orbiting our main moon Tenno. We weren't able to reach her since," Bel started, walking back and forth across the room as she did so.

"That it? Just a simple op retrieval? C'mon Aria, I thought you said it was important, not trivial." Erin interrupted, taking a drag of her cigarette before flicking the ashes onto the floor. Aria rolled her eyes and passed Erin an ashtray. Erin took it and set it on the counter to her right,

"Shut up and you'll learn why this is important." Aria instructed before returning her focus to Bel. "Please, continue."

"Morrigan made a pit stop on Timurd station for some food and a quick fuel stop. While they were refueling, a fugitive went and found a way onboard. Now Alys Jensen, is wanted for vandalism, robbery, assault, murder, and attempted assassination. The warrant explicitly states that she is wanted alive, someone wants to exact their own pound of flesh from her, but the reward is nothing to sneeze at with 5,000,000 Lydes at stake, so you guys wanna get some money or what?"

[journeyto21km]

26 January 2021

Had a mini surprise by Zacky this evening (about 45 mins ago!) We were watching Homeland together - me at home while he was supposedly watching from his phone while doing work at the same time at office. After the first episode ended, he texted me to ask if I was ready for the next... I said yes, and he said “Home delivery.. look around”. Of course I had no idea what he was talking about because I thought that he was at office, lol.

Met him at the void deck and he told me to keep looking around... Like a dumb dumb I walked along the grass and tried to find whatever he wanted to me find (I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be looking for!!) Some guy was watching us and I guess he had a free show b/c I wasn’t wearing a bra either lol!! Spotted Zack’s office bag on a seat and voila...!!!! It was a jellyfish Noodle music mobile!!!!

I’ve always wanted one of these!! Always always but they’ve been WAY too expensive + it’s a musical mobile for BABIES.. it’s a weird thing to pester for (and hard to justify too, even with my great negotiation skills!)

So sweet. Today is a special date for us <3 and I find it really cute that he came here to commemorate it with a little gift and a handwritten card - love love love! 

On my ‘journey to 21km’ front - well, I haven’t been running for close to 1.5 weeks now! Other things have happened, just yesterday I gave a presentation to a small group of 10 people... my heart rate was at 114-120 bpm just SITTING THERE waiting for people to dial into the Zoom call because I hate giving talks/presentations or basically leading any sort of professional conversation. 9/10 times I feel like a fraud - I think this is why I want to get out of recruitment as well... social anxiety is something I have been and will be working on for a very long time, but I am so glad to be making great progress as the years have gone by =) 

The meeting was a huge success!! The Chairman of the sports committee loved it and we have another follow up meeting next week to discuss this once more with a different crowd. Me!! Can you believe it!! I’m the girl that went to multiple doctors in JC to get a year long exemption from NAPFA and PE classes... my 2.4km timing was always >18 mins with a shit load of walking. And here I am, using my newfound hobby and integrating it into my career, in front of a team of crazy athletic people!! Jeez.. I just hope they don’t ask me for my running pace, because it is currently still at the 7:30 - 7:50 km/min mark which is horrendous by many peoples standards! The only person at my pace now is Zack which makes me happy because that means we get to run together comfortably!!

I’ve also been going for Muay Thai classes.. yesterday (25/01) was my 2nd class. Having trouble with my footwork and padwork and basically everything, I’m not a sporty person at all and it’s difficult for me to understand techniques and concepts because my body movements just don’t seem to want to co-operate. 

House viewing adventures last Sunday

In any case, I’m thankful to have discovered my love for sports/being active (still in the very early stages) but I am 100% sure that I want this to be a staple in my life. To be happy, joyous and confident.. I keep reminding myself. It’s easy to get caught up with running paces, hitting new distance milestones and taking up multiple sports at once... it can get pretty overwhelming and demoralising = end up not working out at all. But I need to remember why I started this journey at all! 

Then again, I’m typing this with a bruised toe that aches when I take a single step forward... lol.. can’t say I’m too happy or joyous about that. But at least I’m confident it’ll recover with time.. ha ha

[sini-sterility]

LARK. ALL of them. ALL the questions. (or feel free to pick out the ones you like best)

HNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG GAEA I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCHALLOFTHEMBITCHS >:D1. What do they smell like?Lark smells mainly like sweat and a little bit nice, though when she’s out on a mission, as a sharpshooter she tries to have as little of a scent as possible.2. What is their voice like?Lark’s voice is similar to FemShep’s, but a bit lighter and less deep.3. What is their biggest motivator?Doing the right thing by the people of the Commonwealth. Now, if she’d realized that the BoS was doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, she proooobably wouldn’t have joined up. So now she tries to use her... *ahem* Sway on Maxson to influence more positive choices. 4. What is their most embarrassing memory?When she was twelve she took a nap in the loft of their barn and had a romantic dream about one of their farmhands. He was within earshot, and she never lived it down.5. How do they deal with/react to pain?Physical pain, she takes with as little a reaction as possible. She tends to curse. Emotional pain, she gets pretty quiet. She’ll attempt to talk it out if someone she trusts emotionally is around. Usually a member of her squad, an expert scout and laser-weilder named June Spalding, aka Senior Knight Spalding.6. What do they like to wear? When she’s on duty, she wears her uniform of course. Normally with the top unzipped and wrapped around her waist, with a tank top/sports bra, and her hair in a braid or ponytail. Off duty, she’ll wear whatever she can get her hands on, though she has a particular love for gingham, plaid, and light linen shirts and shirtdresses.7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?Wendel is a bit of a commitaphobe, so she’s never really been in an actual relationship (how ironic that the very first one she’s ever had is one she has to keep secret lol). I suppose it’d be more along the lines of her first crush. The same farmhand as before, a ghoul named Beau who’d come up from New Orleans about 20 years after the bombs fell. She was maybe 16 when she started rollin’ around in the hay with him (He was 19 when he was ghoulified), and she adored his Mirelurk gumbo. When they decided to stop seeing each other, they talked it out for hours. He’d been in tons of relationships before, and he felt obligated to pass his knowledge along. Including his technique for cunni... ;D8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?Gatorclaw jerky, compliments of Beau.9. Describe the way that they sleep.Lark tries to curl herself up into as small of a space as possible, though when she gets to chance to cuddle she is happy as either spoon, and especially likes when Maxson puts his arm around her and her head is on his chest.10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?M E A T S T E A K D E A D A N I M AL S11. What do they feel most insecure about?She can’t save everybody. Friends have died under her charge, innocents have been hurt. She hates that.12. How do they like to dress?If she could dress however she wanted, she’d go for boots, jeans, and a button up shirt with a tanktop underneath, with her hair down and long.13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?She tries to swallow it, but also hold it in her heart as a reminder and a reason to push forward.14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal?Yeah... She may be named after a bird, but she will fuck shit up. She absolutely 100% hates betrayl... Just as long as it’s someone who is NOT on her side, however hypocritical that is. Spalding dealing with betraying her mother/family? Lark tries to help her through it. Someone she rubbed elbows with betraying her/the brotherhood? TABLES WILL BE THROWN.15. What is their greatest achievement?Before she got together with Maxson, she felt her greatest achievement was being a neutral voice for the Commonwealth when she joined the BoS (and before that, when she was 12 she had a Brahmin hefer that won first place in the post-apocalyptic 4H Fair.), and after it was bringing a man who was famous for his temper and stubbornness down to reason and attempted understanding. She even got him to put stock in mental help for his soldiers.16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?You mean fuCKING ALWAYSA little bit more snippy than normal. 17. What are they like when they’re drunk?She does not get drunk easily, but she is a giddy drunk. While her younger sister AND her younger brother are both lecherous drunks, she’s more likely to pounce you and make you dance with her than pounce you and seduce.18. What kind of music do they enjoy?She honestly really really loves Celtic Folk. She grew up on old Irish, Scottish, and Welsh melodies (her family was a couple who had immigrated from Ireland and Scotland respectively - Siobhan Clifford and Geoff MacLeod - because of the ammount of grief the Bride’s family had given them over her husband being Scottish while she was Irish. Lots of kids. Irish Catholics, y’know?). Hell, she ever learned to play a couple on the fiddle as a kid.19. Are they right or left handed?Right.20. Fears?Being shunned by her family, or losing her husband/her children (John, Adam, and Dana).21. Favorite kind of weather?Sunny fall days!22. Favorite color?Either red or orange.23. Do they collect anything?I mean… She’ll pick up the casings from all her high-profile shots and label them. Kinda morbid, but beats getting a tattoo every single kill.24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?Hot, because then she has an excuse not to wear the stupid sweltering leather jumpsuit.25. What is their eye color?Grey.26. What is their race/ethnicity?Irish + Scottish and 1/8th Mexican. Has a decent tan, the color of walnut wood on the inside.27. Hair color?Dark brown.28. Are they happy where they are currently?Yep!29. Are they a morning person?Kind of has to be considering she’s in a military :/30. Sunrise or sunset?Sunset

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

Anastasia’s Interview!

I already told you all on Anastacia’s IG profile that this week things are going to be a little bit different. Instead of a full chapter I used my journalist skills to write an interview, the one we’ve been talking about on past chapters.

I thought it was a fun idea and many of you don’t know that I’m actually a journalist so it was a great oportunity for my to put my knowledge to the test.

I hope you all like it and don’t forget to give feedback!

Thank you all for reading this crazy thing that I’m writing!

  “We want to step out of the Chili Peppers’ shadow”

A new album and the same old attitude give Dead Curse all the elements to finally reach the long way to the top of rock and roll

 The music world these days is weird. It’s constantly changing and many – too many – styles adjoin at the same time. You have a huge variety to choose. Some musicians play safe finding a beat that works for them and stick to it forever, others are not afraid of change and keep renewing their sounds from time to time. I’m about to have a conversation with a musician that belongs to the second group, a girl who is always testing new ways to show her talent and creating new melodies. Maybe that’s the reason she is one of the most valued producers in the last 10 years, being responsible of creating massive hits for artists like Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, Imagine Dragons and even pop queens like Britney Spears and Madonna.

You would have thought that she takes the stage with over elaborated choreographies, but her personal music style is far from that. She leads a rock band, quite a famous one, a very original group that mixes sweet melodies with powerful lyrics and helps bring back the sensuality of old rock and roll acts.

She definitely exudes a sexy vibe. She takes a seat in front of me wearing a sports bra with the phrase “Not your babe” in the front and high-waisted leggings. You could think she’s coming right from the gym but her face tells a different story, no makeup and a smile after a yawn show her tiredness, “Sorry, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a while”, she says, her big blue eyes shine and everybody in the press room at the Meadows Festival turn their heads to her. I’m in the presence of a star.

It’s been a wild year…

“Tell me about it!” She laughs. “We’ve been doing a lot of things and this tour took forever”.

But I imagine it must’ve been fun.

“Oh it was. It definitely was. We are close to the end now and I’m gonna miss everyone, but we are ready to take the lead, do our own thing now and kind of step out of the Chili Peppers’ shadow”

The Chili Peppers are big shoes to fill.

“Yeah, but we are not trying to fill them. They are who they are and we are a completely different band”.

How did this happen? Who’s idea was it of touring together?

“I think it was Anthony’s. Last year we did our usual festival tour, we played on some of the same festivals and I have known Anthony, Flea and Chad practically since I moved to Los Angeles back when I was 12. Anthony was my sister Barbara’s neighbor – He still is – and they are very close friends, so, you know, they were always together and hanging out at our place and they are like family to me. I’ve known Josh for a long time too, almost seven years now so there was a precedent there for sure. We started hanging out – they were on the finishing stages of planning their own world tour, and it was probably Anthony the one that had the idea to put us as an opening act. I was shocked.”

Why?

“Because our styles are very different, our audiences couldn’t be any more different so I thought it was a crazy idea but, at the same time, it was an incredible opportunity for us to gain new fans.”

And you did.

“Yeah, it feels really good to know that although they don’t attend the shows to see our band, their fans still support us. At first we were just going to do the Europe leg, but people started to request us in other places. That was a great feeling.”

But here you are, tired of touring.

“Not like that,” she laughs again. “It’s just that the schedule is crazy. Two weeks on, two weeks off. We should do all the dates together and finish this shit in six months, you know? The say that it’s because they want to spend more time with their families but, if we shortened this huge amount of dates they would all have even more time to spend with their children. You start touring for two weeks, you get used to that tour routine but then you have to back home… you get used to your home routine and then you have to go back to tour, again and again, and you don’t know what to do. My sleeping schedule is fucked.”

You would think that touring with the Chili Peppers is a wild experience.

“But it’s not, at all! I imagined Flea would be running around naked at every venue, but they all act like responsible adults now. They are grounded men that demand veggies and a variety of teas in their dressing rooms; they are quite boring to be honest. Chad’s the man for us in the other hand; he was always up for a drink every day off. Overall, it has been more like a religious experience, they have taught us a lot about this side of the music business and we will be forever grateful for that.“

You have a new album that will be released soon and you have said before that it’s a new age for Dead Curse.

“I’m so happy and proud of this record. It’s totally different from everything we have done before and is heavily influenced by this whole touring experience. We never really planned to put out another record so soon. We wanted to finish the tour, get some rest and then go back to the studio but we, as a band, were having such an inspirational rush and making all this amazing songs that we didn’t want to put it on hold, we wanted everybody to hear the new material.”

What makes it different from your other work?

“Musically, it’s a ground we haven’t covered before. It’s an album that was made to be played live, it has a big stadium anthem vibe, and at the same time it’s the perfect record to blast on your car or in your bedroom. It’s powerful, it’s pure rock… We have never sounded as tight as a band before. We have finally found a way to highlight each one of our talents. Nick plays incredible guitar solos, Mandy came up with the catchiest bass lines and at the same time Eric has never played those drums as hard as he did on this album. I’m proud; I think we reached the place we always wanted to be at as a band. We always, well… I always liked to adorn our melodies with a lot of extra instruments like trumpets, harps, violins, mostly because I started as a classical musician and I thought that was what made us different from the rest, but in this one we ditched all of that. We kind of started that in our last album, but here it’s just us with our instruments; I may have included some piano notes or maybe a synthesizer or two, but it’s mostly us showing what we can do with the basics”.

The recording process was different too.

“Yes, because we would usually enter the studio and start from zero there, but in this case we were making songs since the beginning of the year while we were touring, we would record in bathrooms in hotel rooms, and then we had some free time so we decided to enter the studio just to organize what we already had. We kind of recorded this album live because we would play all the instruments in one take and then I would add the vocals, while before, we used to make each sound separately. We also went out of our comfort zone and recorded the album in the desert. We did some takes in an amazing place near Joshua Tree called Rancho de Luna, and we also recorded at the Battle Born Studios in Las Vegas. So all of that influenced the sound vibe for this record.”

Why Las Vegas?

“I went to Las Vegas for a while because it’s this big show city and I wanted to translate that vibe into the album. I wanted it to be a big show album.”

Lyrically, is it different?

“Yeah. The last album we made was sort of a cathartic experience for me. I turned the pen to my experience and it was a whole album about me. This time I went back to diversity and I shared my experiences, but I wrote about Mandy’s, Nick’s, and Eric’s experiences as well, and even experiences of some dude we met in Russia, you know? It’s different and I’m glad that I went back to that. I don’t really like to write about me and that made the last album so hard to make, so I’m more relaxed this time because it doesn’t feel like my album but a band’s album.”

Why did you pick Josh Klinghoffer to produce the album?

“I know how much Josh likes to be in a studio. We developed a big friendship over this tour and he was dying to do something different than the Peppers at that point, so we thought he was perfect for the job. It was a challenge for him too, because he wasn’t comfortable with the kind of music we wanted to project, and although the original plan was to produce the record on our own, we realized that we needed an outsider’s opinion. Josh is a close friend and someone we trust with our guts. He has an amazing music taste and he brought all these British band influences that can be heard on some songs. Each member of the band, as individuals, has very different tastes in music: Nick is more punk, Mandy is all about what’s new and the R&B scene, Eric likes the old rock and roll, I’m a fan of soft rock melodies so we definitely needed someone that glued all of that together, and that person was Josh.”

With all those different styles you may think yours is a tough band to be part of.

“We are so different from each other. In the beginning, many people thought that we weren’t gonna make it. The age difference plays an important role too, but we managed to overcome it and the idea of doing what we love and expressing ourselves through music is what moves us. We know how lucky we are everyday for being able to do what we love and making a living out of it. Many fail on the way but we are keeping strong, even with our differences.”

Don’t you want to kill each other all of the time?

“Oh! Every day” She laughs.

Does it bother you when people say the success of Dead Curse is attached to your last name?

“It used to bother me, but not anymore. I came to terms with it. I won’t lie to you, I do think that being Nick Truman’s daughter helped us gain notoriety in a very short time, but if it wasn’t for our talent and passion for what we do we wouldn’t have come this far.”

In the past, you’ve said that being in this business while suffering from chronic depression could lead to suicide. Do you still think so?

“Yeah, every day. But luckily, I have an amazing support group around me that helps me when I’m down.”

How have you coped with such a long tour?

“Surprisingly, I haven’t had a panic attack or a full-on depression episode during this tour. I’m in my element, doing what I love and that helps a lot. I know it sounds cheesy but without music I wouldn’t be here today. I was having a lot of trouble keeping myself afloat back when I was 14, and entering a studio and starting to make music for such a big part of my life gave me the push and have a purpose to wake up every morning.”

Some can’t do that. Lady Gaga just canceled her tour because of her health issues.

“Mental issues, they aren’t just issues. I love what Lady Gaga is doing, erasing the stigma from mental illness. She is strong and we all need time to heal to give the audience the best version of ourselves.”

Do you give yourself to your audience? Do you care what other people think of your music or not, as long as you are happy with it?

“I think when you have talent and passion and you are so sure of the way you express yourself, it translates into what you offer to the public and they embrace things well done. I think that saying ‘I don’t give a shit about what other people think’ is such a strong statement. I just like to express myself, not thinking if people are going to like it or not, so… yeah, in a way I just don’t give a fuck” She laughs.

Dead Curse has been cataloged as a festival band, are you okay with that? Was that the road you all wanted to take?

“When we started the band we never had any goal of being as a certain thing, we just wanted to play music and to express ourselves through it. Everything that happened from there was organically done. I love to play at festivals. First you get to play to such huge crowds, you also get to see friends otherwise would never encounter and you get to discover new bands and artists, that is something I love to do. Festivals are all fun and games. We just had the best experience ever headlining Glastonbury which was something that never in a million years I would have thought we’d do.”

How did that feel? Do you think you reached a peak as a band after that?

“It’s all downhill from here”, She laughs. “As I told you, we never had any goals as a band to do things like that, but Glastonbury was definitely a dream come true for me. I attended so many editions of the festival and I always found myself watching a certain band play and thinking ‘One day it’s gonna be us up there’ so making that dream a reality stills feels so surreal. I still can’t believe we did that. I cried the day before, I cried during the set and I’m still crying today.”

Now let’s talk about style.

“My favorite subject besides music.”

You have a quite unique fashion sense with your stage outfits. How do you manage not to repeat a single one with so many shows?

She laughs “Anthony was always joking about that. About the fact that we don’t repeat outfits on stage while they are always wearing the same, but I don’t know, fashion sense is a extension of this express-yourself thing. I grew up in a very fashionable environment with my mother being a model and my sister Barbara being a huge clothes lover. I kind of adopted that taste for looking my best. It doesn’t happen all the time, look at me now, I’m a mess,” She laughs, “But with time, I’ve learned to wear what makes me feel comfortable. I ditched the heels long time ago unless I’m just performing one song. I don’t know how to answer to your question… if I like it I’m gonna wear it.”

What do you do with your stage outfits afterwards? Because I can’t see you doing grocery shopping in thigh-high Union Jack boots, encrusted with Swarovski crystals.

“You might be surprised! I have a room just for my stage outfits at home. It’s crazy and totally unnecessary.”

What’s the next step for Dead Curse? What can we expect?

We are going to release our record. ‘Live Action’ is going to be available on October 31, my favorite day of the year. We are going to be releasing our first single with the video next week, it’s called ‘Flesh and Bones’ and we’ll probably do a couple of promotional shows and maybe have our own headlining tour next year.

What’s the video about?

“Well, ‘Flesh and Bones’ is a powerful song about owning yourself, having confidence in your own skin and being able to kick any ass that gets on your way, so we wanted to take that and show it with the immigration issues in this country, showing that no matter where you come from you can have the life you’ve dreamed about here.”

Getting political…

“We have never gotten political before, but with everything that’s happening in this crazy country right now you must step out and have a voice.”

What are you going to do now? How do you see yourself in five years?

“I’m gonna get myself a husband!” She laughs.

“Live action” the new studio album by Dead Curse is out on October 31 and available for pre-sale on October 7.

[awed-frog]

I saw your notes on the outrageous post about the 1% and I couldn't help but be curious about they things your friend experienced...

Hi there! So, yeah, it’s kind of a freakish story, because Iwent to high school with this girl - we were in the same class, andshe was so sweet - the bookwormish and Did you know there’sa wasp called Aha ha and ‘save the whales’ kind ofstudent, you know? And after graduating, she studied maths, and thenwe sort of lost touch - I heard she was working in London when I wasliving in the UK, so I reached out and got a very weird email back.We finally met on a train, just randomly, about five years afterthat, and that’s when she told me what had happened to her.

[Disclaimer: I’m not saying all banks and consulting companiesare cults, but if how much money you make depends on how many peopleyou screw over, then maybe it’s normal you attract a crowd ofpsychopaths and pathological narcissists, and things generally godownhill from there.]

So, the thing is - with a maths degree, you can do a lot of stuff,but my friend had a bit of an adulting crisis at the end of herstudies, because, she told me, every choice seemed so very permanentand she wasn’t ready to commit to a 3-years research program orteacher training or whatever, and this is when she was headhunted bythe banking industry and basically they made her believe they’d bethe right fit for her.

(And let me just say - because of my Oxford degree, I’ve beentargeted as well, and that one evening I spent with them remains oneof the scariest beyond the looking glass shit I’veever experienced in my life.)

Of course, their offer is dreamy - a flexible whatever, she leaveswhen she wants, she gets a free course in what they need her to do, asalary with a shitton of zeroes and the job is based infucking London - and at this point, my friend isstill a normal a kid and she’s thinking, I’m notenthusiastic about what banks get up to and it’s not the mostinteresting thing I could do with my degree, but hey, maybe I canlive in the UK for a couple of years and make some money and thenfind something better. And so off she went, and as she told meabout how she found her first flat, well, that’s the same thing Iwas going through in that same period some sixty miles away, becauseshe still had a normal budget (what she’d saved till then? summerjobs and grandparents’ gifts and some paid grading) and it’s hardto find a reasonably priced room in London, so she had to picksomething that was more than one hour away from the City and thatsounded like a very boring and long commute, but hey, London! And atthis point, you know, she looked out of the window, and her storystarted to become a bit more disconnected, jumping back and forth, soI’ll try to piece it together chronologically, but man, it wasreally chilling to hear it out of order, and I wish you’d beenthere with me because I don’t know how well I can put it intowords.

Anyway, so the first thing that’s a problem are her clothes: shecan see that as soon as she steps into the place, the way people lookat her, and she doesn’t get it, because she’s wearing this smartpantsuit she’s already uncomfortable in, and what the fuck? Andluckily she doesn’t have to wonder long, because that’s, like,the first thing her boss (a man) says to her: that she can’t dresslike that, because she’s going to meet clients from time to timeand that’s just not appropriate and my friend - a shy 23-year-oldwho grew up in the mountains, in a village of 46 people - stilldoesn’t know what she’s doing wrong, exactly, and it’sso embarrassing, because this is a man twenty years hersenior and her boss and she’s talking to her like she’s naked orsome shit, and finally - finally - he explains that she can’t buyoff the rack - tailor-made only, please. And she’s so stunned shejust babbles that she can’t afford that and this guy - this guytakes his wallet and places, like, 10 000 pounds on the deskand Please go get changed. 

(“It was like Pretty Woman,” my friendsaid, “except creepier, because I didn’t know the rules. Ididn’t know, well - I was shocked. Like, was that a test? Should Itake the money or not? And if I take it, does that come out of mypaycheck? Is it a gift? Do I have a choice over the clothes I wear ornot? Should I stand up for myself or give up? How do I make a goodimpression here?”)

And the thing is, you want to be polite, right? You want to fitin. You assume other people know better. 

(Especially as a young woman.)

And so my friend took the money and said thank you and spent herfirst morning shopping in a weird luxury place that only had one ofeach and came with complimentary champagne and truffle-flavoured hamand there were no curtains and no changing rooms and she had to stripdown to her underwear right in front of the saleswoman, but it alsodidn’t matter because she was the only customer and the shop lookedlike someone’s living room and again, what are the rules? 

And the thing is - the way she described it, every day was likethat in several small, insidious ways, every day there were athousand moments when she didn’t know what people expected fromher, and slowly the desire to be a good colleague turned into a thisis completely normal and how everyone lives thing and shedidn’t even notice it was happening.

Like, at first she’d been shocked by the price of meals. Peoplewould routinely order up food, or go out for dinner and spendthousands of pounds on one lunch. 

(Thousands. Of. Pounds.) 

And she’d been shocked by the rent of her new apartment (with a60-minute commute, she had maybe two hours of sleep a night, so shehad to move closer to the City), because £5000 a month? Back in uni,that had been her budget for a whole semester. And she’dbeen shocked by how many clothes and shoes and designer handbags sheseemed to be needing. And at how she’d stopped doing anything forherself, or having any control over her body - she never had the timeto cook, or even shop (her luxury kitchen was pristine, her fridgeempty), and someone would come into work and do her hair and nailsand whatever else it is that women need and barely ask her aboutstyle and colour because they could see she was out of her depth.

(“You remember how I was before, right? When I first arrived inLondon, I didn’t know how foundation worked. I never painted mynails, either. For job interviews and stuff I’d wear some of thateasy-to-apply eyeliner and mascara and feel like Greta Garbo, but inmy office, it was considered - people just frowned at you, you know?Or disregarded your wishes, or whatever. One day - it must have beena week after I started - a beautician just showed up, started talkingto me as if we’d arranged an appointment, asked me to chose betweenfour shades of pink that looked the same to me. Turns out, acolleague had told her to come to me next, already paid for it, sowhat do you do? I had to sit there in front of everybody and let thiswoman do my nails - I felt like an animal in a zoo, but nobody waslooking at me, nobody found it weird.”) 

And, look, I can’t really explain it the way she did, but whathappened next was that she didn’t have time to come home for avisit for, like, eight months, and when she finally showed upeveryone was half proud, half terrified, because yeah, she lookedgood and rich and successful, but she was also -completely different? When she’d left, she’d beenthis normal kid, vaguely left-wing, who’d liked hiking and onlyowned sport bras, and now she was - she was weird. Shehad no sense of reality. No compassion for anything or anyone. Shewas cold, annoyed by everything, incredulous at the fact herfavourite brands were not available in local shops, insisting thather parents and siblings should buy this and that to make their livesbetter. She ended up fighting with mostly everyone and going back toLondon after three days, and in the year after that, she only tookholidays with colleagues - three days of snorkeling in Kenya, aprivate plane party, a weekend of golfing in Scotland - and now shewas the one ordering the most expensive bottle on the menu androlling her eyes at badly-dressed interns, because - she’d made it.She was the 1%. 

(Or would get there, anyway.)  

Luckily, there’s a happy ending, and it’s surprisinglyanticlimatic. 

One night, my friend looked up from a party of high-endprostitutes and drunken antics and she suddenly saw how crazy andunhealthy it all was. It just happened. She looked at the woman onher left, snorting cocaine and laughing, and then at the man on herright, who had a stripper on his lap, and she just - stood up andleft. The very next day, she quit the firm, donated half her earningsto charity, travelled through South America for three months beforegoing back to university. Now she’s a researcher (she doessomething complicated to do with game theory, and I don’tunderstand any of it), and also - she’s back to her old lovelyself. She sees her friends, she gets on well with her family. She’skind. She’s normal. As I said - happy ending.