#after this scene I was like hey now what is happening yowza

[rithe]

"Die."

[michelangelinden]

Anyone who asks (Everyone, really)

My guys!!! I finished the sequel to ‘Rambo the Hamster (don’t give Reggie a cat)’ and it’s pure Willex fluff. You can read it here or on AO3, please let me know what you think, I’m so excited!!

***

  Alex kicked open the door to the garage.

  “Somebody hand me a cat right now. I need to hold something or I’ll fucking break!”, he exclaimed as he marched into the studio. Luke, Reggie and Julie all turned to him looking shocked. He knew he was making a very dramatic entrance but he felt like he needed it, like he deserved it.

  “You can hold my hand!”, Reggie said, raising it into the air. “Both of them”, he added, raising his other hand too.

  “Thanks, man, but I’d rather squish a kitten than you.”

  Julie made a horrified face but Reggie jumped up immediately, picked James the cat off her lap and pushed it into Alex’ grabby hands. Alex accepted him, dropped himself onto the sofa between Julie and Luke and started petting the cat aggressively.

  “Are –“, Julie started, “are you okay?” She looked back and forth between Alex’ worried face and the cat comfortably squished between his hands. The question hung in the air for a minute and while Alex continued to pet James the cat at a rapid tempo and felt the concerned looks of his friends on his face, he calmed down a little.

  “Yes”, he answered eventually. “Or no. I don’t know yet.”

  “Can we, I dunno, help you? Or something?”, Reggie asked hopefully but also a little confused.

  “Where were you, by the way?” Luke gently put a hand on Alex’ knee but Alex flinched in surprise and he pulled back again.

  “Sorry”, Alex muttered and took a deep breath. He carefully loosened his grip on James the cat, who curled up on his leg and fell asleep immediately (Alex just had that effect on him). He continued to stroke him but much slower and more carefully.

  “I was down at the pier, with Willie.”

  “Oh. Is he okay? Did- did something happen?” Julie sounded worried.

  “What? No. No, he’s fine, just –“, Alex swallowed, “can I have a hug? Like not a I’m-sad-and-need-affection-hug but an I-can’t-believe-this-is-real-hug?”

  Both Julie and Luke nodded enthusiastically. Julie pushed one arm behind his back and hugged his stomach, her head on his chest, and Luke threw an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. Reggie, who had sad down on the floor in front of them, hugged his left leg.

  “Okay”, Alex started, “so we met on Sunset Boulevard, you know, like we always do.” Julie nodded against his chest. “And we walked for a bit and then he –“, he felt himself blush a little, “and then he took my hand and we poofed to the pier. And I thought like ‘okay, he took my hand so that I don’t get lost when we poof’ but then he– he didn’t let go? And I was a little confused by then.”

  “Nah, man, he likes you!” Luke punched him softly and chuckled.

  “Wait, wait, I’m getting there.”

  “Yeah, Luke, shut up”, Julie said and poked Luke in the side. He yelped and went to poke her back but Reggie cleared his throat and the two settled down again.

  “Yeah, so we just, you know, walk along the beach, as one does, he continues to hold my hand, ‘what the hell is up with that?’, I think and then we find a spot a little off from all the other people, not that they can see us, I mean, but it feels a little more private if there’s less people around, even though they can’t even see us …”

  “Yeah, yeah, we know, please continue”, Reggie interrupted him, patting his knee impatiently, and Alex took another deep breath.

  “Anyways. We sit down on the sand and he lets go of my hand, which, like, makes sense, because we’re not moving anymore. But then, as we’re sitting, and we both have our legs pulled up, he kind of pushes his knee against mine?” Julie gasped and lifted her head to look at him.

  “He didn’t!”

  “He did!” Alex nodded at her. “And we’re both wearing shorts so it’s – it’s weirdly intimate.” Julie shrieked a little and squeezed him.

  “Alex, that’s so exciting!”

  “Wait, wait, I’m not done.”

  “There’s more?”

  “Shush!” Both Julie and Reggie silenced Luke. Alex swallowed.

  “So we’re still talking, I don’t even remember what it was about, and then he takes my hand again, and I kind of start to freak out a bit, and then –“, he paused.

  “And then what?” Julie squeezed him again.

  “And then he kisses me.”

  A beat.

  Then yelling.

  Julie squealed again and hugged him even harder, Luke punched his side excitedly and Reggie jumped up to drum on his knee. James the cat woke up, hissed a little and fled off his lap but Alex couldn’t blame him.

  “Dude, that’s amazing!”, Luke yelled and Alex was sure he’d get a bruise on his shoulder.

  “What was it like?”, Reggie asked and Julie kicked him.

  “I don’t know.” Alex frowned. “Short. But, um, but sweet.” He paused and blushed again. “His, uh, his lips are really soft”, he all but whispered but Reggie still heard him and made gagging noises.

  “Hey, you asked”, Julie said and kicked Reggie again.

  Then Alex remembered the other thing.

  “I said ‘yowza’ afterwards”, he mumbled, barely audible.

  “What?”

  He cringed and cleared his throat.

  “I said ‘yowza’ afterwards.” He wasn’t proud of it.

  A beat and then Luke and Reggie started laughing loudly. Julie just looked at him with an incredulous grin.

  “Oh my god.” She laughed. “I can’t believe you.”

  “Yeah, he said so too.” He groaned. “But then he kissed me again, so I think I’m good.”

  The other two boys were still laughing, Luke had slipped dangerously close to the edge of the sofa and held his stomach.

  “Of course, you’re good! You kissed!” Julie shook him. “Alex, that’s so exciting. I’m so happy for you!”

  “I’m happy too”, Alex admitted, blushing. Julie grinned at him.

  Reggie and Luke began to calm down, they were both sitting on the floor, holding each other’s shoulders.

  “And?”

  “And what?” He frowned.

  “Did you talk about it? The kiss?”

  “Uh, no?” He thought back to what happened after they kissed the second time. “We just kinda stared at each other for a second and then we were talking again. And then I realized I was late for band practice so I came here. End of story.”

  “You didn’t even tell him you like him?” Reggie asked, a little shocked. Alex was surprised he was still following the conversation on the sofa.

  “Sorry, I was a little in shock, after, you know, being kissed by Willie.” He shrugged and they all laughed.

  “Sorry, you’re right.”

  “Besides, I don’t even know if he likes me back, so it probably would have been really awkward if I told him”, he shrunk back into Julie’s arms, now very much in doubt of the whole scene.

  In front of him, Luke and Reggie said “Dude” and “What the hell?” at the same time and Julie pulled her arms back from his body to put her hands on either side of his face, squishing his cheeks a little and making him look at her.

  “Oh Alex, sweet, sweet Alex. I don’t know if you know this, but when you kiss someone that means that you really like them, okay?” He nodded slowly, but he didn’t know if he did it himself or if Julie’s grip on his face made him. “There is absolutely no possibility that Willie doesn’t like you.” She let go of him and he looked down at where he had his hands clasped together in his lap.

  “You really think so? You haven’t even met him.”

  “We know so”, Luke said, “we’ve met him.” Alex looked up and saw that both him and Reggie were smiling at him. He looked over at Julie and she was smiling too.

  Yeah, maybe Willie did like him. He kissed Alex, after all. That had to mean something.

 ***

   It had been almost two weeks since Willie had kissed Alex for the first time. He had been so, so nervous, like close-to-throwing-up-nervous, but Willie had wanted to do that for so long that just kind of did it, when the opportunity arose. He still had no idea how he’d gotten the confidence to do it, but he’d done it and he didn’t regret it for one second.

  It had been short, not more than just pressing his lips onto Alex’, and he’d probably almost missed his mouth, and Alex had said “yowza” afterwards which was the reaction Willie had least expected from him, but they’d laughed and then they had kissed again and every time Willie thought back to that moment he had butterflies ice-dancing in his stomach.

  Since then, they had met twice. When they had met at the park by Julie’s house Willie had been afraid at first, that it would get awkward, they hadn’t really talked about the kiss. But it hadn’t been, really, they’d just talked and laughed, like they always did. And after they had chased each other around the lawns (which they hadn’t been allowed to step on, but no one tells ghosts what they can’t do), Alex had pulled Willie close and kissed him, long and slow, and then he’d run off again and Willie’d felt like he would combust at any second.

  They hadn’t kissed when they had met down at the pier again – or not really, at least. But Willie didn’t mind, they’d walked along the shore for what felt like hours, holding hands the entire time. And when it had been time for Alex to go home – he was always worried about being punctual – he had stroked Willie’s cheek softly and had pressed a gentle kiss on the corner of Willie’s mouth and when he had poofed away, Willie had to lay down in the sand to process it.

  Every time he thought about any of these situations, he felt his heart flutter and his chest bloom warmly, his hands itching to hold Alex’ and his lips yearning to be pressed against his. He missed him and an uncomfortable amount too, and he needed to put a stop to the uncertainty hovering around them every time they met.

  He was on his way to Alex right now, the wheels of his skateboard flying over the concrete, bringing him closer to the Molina’s house with every passing second and he felt the nervousness spread from his stomach all the way into his fingertips. He hadn’t known he was still capable of feelings like these up until he met Alex, but he was glad he could still feel all the exciting emotions that came with being giddy about a crush.

  He stopped his board in front of the driveway, taking a breath to calm his nerves. He hoped Alex was home, because if he wasn’t, the afternoon he had spent worrying about what to say when he saw him, had been for nothing.

  He could see the tips of the setting sun glowing behind the roof of the garage, basking it in soft, orange light.

  He took another breath before walking further, rounding the corner to walk down the steps. He stopped only for a second before phasing through the wooden doors of the studio, not allowing himself to think too much about it.

  He was greeted by an unexpected sight. The studio was empty apart from Alex laying on the couch, as asleep as he could be. There were three furry creatures curled up on his chest and only when Willie squinted could he identify them as- kittens?

  “What the-“, he started and Alex startled awake, his eyes flying open and meeting Willie’s in surprise. The three kittens rose up immediately, tumbling off Alex’ chest onto the couch and then onto the floor, meowing loudly (screaming, to be honest) as they made their way over to Willie as fast as they could.

  He lowered his board onto the ground and crouched down to greet them. They let him stroke their heads and only the black one tried to bite him, which he took with a laugh. They were cute and soft and Willie was momentarily distracting from his mind, which he greatly appreciated. His eyes crinkled in adoration as the grey one started purring under his hand, flopping to the side to let him tickle its stomach.

  “Hi, Willie”, he heard Alex say from the sofa, and Willie looked up to smile at him.

  “Why did you hide them from me? I would’ve come over much earlier if I knew that they were here.”

  Alex chuckled in response, finally sitting up on the edge of the couch.

  “Sorry”, he said, fiddling with a bracelet on his wrist.

  The black cat took another try at biting Willie's finger off.

  “That’s Andy, he’s a little rude sometimes”, Alex explained and Willie laughed at that.

  “Yeah, I noticed.” He turned to the black cat. “Please leave me my fingers, little guy, I need them.”

  When he looked back up at Alex he was watching them with a soft smile on his face.

  “What are the others called?”, he asked, turning back to pet the grey one, still purring on its side on the ground in front of him.

  “The spotty one is Michelle and the grey one is, uh-“, Alex paused, causing Willie to look back up at him, “that’s James the cat.”

  Willie squinted at him in amusement.

  “Why those names?”

  “Please don’t make me say it.”

  Willie just tilted his head a little and Alex sighed.

  “They’re our middle names. Andrew is Luke’s, Michael is Reggie’s and James-“, he sighed again, “is mine.”

  Willie smiled brightly at the new information about Alex and got up, careful not to scare the cats.

  “You didn’t pick them”, he said and it wasn’t a question, he already knew the answer. Alex shook his head.

  “Julie forced them out of us. She wanted to name them after us because we’re so similar.”

  Willie looked down at the grey cat, that has gotten up from the floor and was now tiptoeing around his legs, still purring.

  “Let me see”, he started, kneeling down again, to scratch it behind its ears. “Always seeking physical contact, very soft hair”, his gaze flicked up and met Alex’, “very cute. It fits.”

  Willie watched with a smile as Alex’ cheeks darkened in a blush and he looked down at his hands in his lap.

  “You can’t just say stuff like that”, he said quietly.

  Willie got up again, slowly walking over to the couch.

  “Why not?”

  He was standing in front of him now and leaned forward carefully, settling his hands on Alex’ knees. Alex looked up at him, the red on his cheeks deepening.

  “It makes me blush”, he almost whispered. He unfolded his hands and gently set them on top of Willie’s.

  “That’s the point”, Willie answered, squeezing Alex’ knees and leaning a little further into his space. “It’s cute”, he added.

  Alex hands slid a little further up Willie’s, his fingers slipping past the cuffs of Willie’s sweater, closing around wrists. Willie watched as Alex’ gaze flicked down to his lips, just for a second, before meeting Willie’s again.

  “Can I kiss you?”, Willie whispered and the warmth in his chest bloomed when Alex nodded.

  He closed his eyes and dipped his head a little lower to catch Alex lips with his own. He smiled against them when Alex grip on his wrists tightened. His lips were soft on his, the kiss sweet and gentle and Willie felt like he could get lost in it, if he wasn’t careful. He tilted his head a little, allowing Alex to push closer, his thumb stroking Willie’s forearm.

  They separated and he chased Alex’ lips with his, a quiet laugh escaping Alex and they were still so close that Willie felt it on his face.

  “What?”, Willie asked quietly and smiled. When he opened his eyes again, he saw that Alex' were still closed.

  “Nothing”, Alex whispered and leaned his forehead against Willie's. He slowly breathed in through his nose, taking in the warm feeling surrounding them.

  Willie took in a sharp breath and Alex pulled back immediately, his eyes flying open and looking at Willie in concern.

  Willie looked down his legs to see the black cat hanging onto his sock, its tiny claws piercing through it into his skin, and huffed a laugh.

  “Ow”, he said, more out of reflex than as a genuine reaction, because it didn’t hurt bad enough for him to be in actual pain.

  He pulled his hands away from Alex knees, Alex fingers sliding off his wrists and he missed the contact immediately, but plucking the cat from his leg was more important right now. He gently gripped its small body and tried to remove it, but its claws were so caught in his sock, that he had to crouch down to separate them one paw at a time. When he held the kitten in his hand, he raised it in front of his face, shaking his head at it, as if it was a small person.

  “I need my legs too”, he told it and carefully placed it back onto the floor. It didn’t plan to stay there, rushing forward again to climb onto his shoe. He chuckled and picked it up again, standing up with it and putting it down next to its sibling in hope that it got too distracted to jump at him again. It attacked the spotty one instead and the two started to scuffle around the floor.

  Willie turned around to see Alex watching him and smiled, walking over and lowering himself onto the couch next to him. Their shoulders were inches away from each other and Alex bumped their knees together.

  “Hi”, Willie said, only just remembering, that he never greeted him.

  “Hey”, Alex answered and for a minute the two fell into comfortable silence, just being in each other’s presence.

  Willie couldn’t help but think, that this was it, this had to be the moment, and the nervousness started to spread through his body again. His fingers tingled and he started to fiddle with the hem of his black shorts.

  Alex must have noticed, because he gently pulled Willie's hand away from his leg and intertwined their fingers. He squeezed Willie's hand and stroked his knuckles with his thumb.

  Yeah, that was it.

  “Hey Alex”, he said before he could stop himself and Alex' gaze lifted from their hands to Willie's face. They looked eyes for a second before it got too intense for Willie and he had to look down again.

  “What’s up?”, Alex asked and shuffled a little closer.

  “I-“, he started, “I was wondering-“, he broke off again, sighing. “We, uh, we’ve been spending a lot of time together, the past few weeks and, uh-“, he swallowed, “I really like it. This.” He squeezed Alex hand to stress his point. “And now I, uh, I was wondering if”, he had to pause again, gaining confidence for the next words, “if I could call you my boyfriend.” He was almost whispering.

  Alex seemed to have caught the words anyways.

  “Who would you tell?”, he asked quietly, matching Willie's voice. He lifted his free hand to tuck a strand of hair behind Willie's ear. Willie looked up, daring to hold his gaze.

  “Anyone who asks”, he answered. “Everyone, really”, he added, because that was probably closer to the truth.

  “I would like that”, Alex said, placing his hand on Willie's cheek and stroking his cheekbone with his thumb. Willie leaned into the touch.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” Alex paused and Willie's eyes flicked over his face for any indication that he was lying. “I think I would like it if you called me your boyfriend”, Alex continued, as if he knew of Willie's worry.

  Willie lowered his eyes to Alex' lips, slightly parted and pulled into a soft smile.

  “Can I-“, he started but he felt Alex lips on his before he could finish his question, pushing into Willie and he pushed back just as eagerly.

  He pulled his hand out of Alex grasp to place it on the back of his head, pulling him closer, while he settled the other on his cheek. This kiss was different than the ones before, less gentle, because they were both starting to grin, but it still sent Willie's heart flying. Alex' hand, that was not still holding his face, slid down to the small of his back. His thumb slipped past Willie's sweater and graced his skin accidentally and Willie gasped at the sudden sensation of Alex cold thumb against his skin, pulling back a little. It didn’t take long for him to start laughing quietly and Alex joined him, removing his hand from underneath the sweater and looping his arm around his waist instead. Willie connected their foreheads, keeping his eyes closed.

  They stayed like that for a moment, but then Alex huffed a small laugh.

  “Can we please pretend, that I am the confident one in this situation?”, he asked, causing Willie to open his eyes and look at him, “because I’m totally freaking out on the inside.”

  A loud laugh burst from Willie and he had to lower his head onto Alex' shoulder to not accidentally spit on him.

  “No, please stop laughing”, Alex tried but Willie couldn’t help himself.

  It took another minute for him to calm down before Alex gently lifted Willie's head with his hand.

  “Please”, he said again, looking at him with soft eyes and Willie smiled.

  “Sorry”, he whispered and kissed him again, just because he could.

  He felt Alex smile against his lips, parting them slightly, to-

  A poofing-sound drove them apart, their hands staying where they are but their heads turning towards the source of the noise.

  Reggie appeared out of air, his back towards them, looking around.

  “Hey Alex, have you seen the cats?”

  Alex didn’t say anything, just kept looking at him.

  Reggie spotted them on his own, because they all stumbled towards him, yelling excitedly.

  “Oh, there they are, hi there!”, he exclaimed happily, crouching down and picking up the spotted one. Then he finally turned towards them. “Oh, hi Willie”, he said, looking down at the cats again, unbothered by the position he found Willie and Alex in.

  Until-

  Reggie’s face snapped back up at them.

  “Willie!” He looked back and forth between the two. “You- and Alex- I interrupted something, didn’t I?”

  “Yes!”, Alex said pointedly, while Willie said “yeah, kind of”, a little softer, and Reggie gasped loudly.

  “Oh god, I’m so sorry!” He jumped up immediately. “Just- please give me a second, I-“, he carefully picked up the cats one by one, before shooting one last look at them. “Sorry!”, he said again and with another poof he was gone as quickly as he came.

  They stared at the spot where Reggie just stood, blinking in confusion.

  Alex groaned loudly, turning his head and pushing it into Willie's shoulder, his hand slipping from his cheek down his chest around his back. Willie laughed but slid his hands off his head and his arms around his shoulders, hugging him close.

  “I am so, so sorry about him”, Alex said, muffled against the fabric of Willie's sweater. Willie chuckled.

  “Don’t apologize.” He pressed a kiss into Alex' hair. “I am more than happy right now”, he whispered and felt Alex squeeze him.

  “Me too.”

  He squeezed him back.

[zen3to5]

J/H 6-02: Join Together

On we go with Zen 3 to 5+! Last time, we made a real storyline out of Kelso's giving up his feelings for Jackie, but she and Hyde have yet to speak this season. Time to fix that...

FF.Net AO3

***

SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   The same night as the credits scene from 6-01. HYDE is passed out in his chair, with SCHATZI asleep in his arms. Smoke still lingers in the air.   The basement door opens. JACKIE enters.   JACKIE: Steven?   She shuts the door. Hyde jerks awake, which wakes up Schatzi.   HYDE: It’s oregano!   He shakes off the last of sleep, sees Jackie. They stare across the room at each other until Jackie crosses to the couch and sits at the end near Hyde’s chair.   JACKIE: Okay, Steven, I’m here to tell you, now that summer’s almost over, I’ve made my decision. I choose you.   She leans over the arm of the couch to kiss him. When she recovers, Hyde starts leaning in to follow, but stops himself, sits up straight, and sets Schatzi down on the coffee table.   HYDE: Good to know.   He stands and crosses to the deep freeze.   JACKIE: “Good to know?” That’s all you have to say?   HYDE: I’ll figure out the rest after I spend a summer at the pool.   He turns to smirk Jackie’s way; she pouts.   JACKIE: Ha, ha. You’ve made your point, Steven. Now you sit back down and french me.   HYDE: Jackie, when I said, “choose between me and Kelso,” I meant, “choose me, right then.” Making me sit around and wait it out is immature.   JACKIE: I want what I want when I want it! What is so immature about that?   HYDE: Jackie...   JACKIE: (stands) Don’t you “Jackie” me! Steven, do you remember why I needed time to think about this in the first place?   HYDE: Do you remember you made me compete with a two-timing moron who superglued his own head to his desk two days before graduation?   JACKIE: I still loved you!   HYDE: Then what was there to choose between?   JACKIE: Nothing, I just needed time to think!   HYDE: Why didn’t you tell me that?   JACKIE: Why didn’t you ask me that?   HYDE: Because you haven’t been by here all summer!   JACKIE: I was thinking!   HYDE: I was waiting!   As they stare each other down, Schatzi starts to whimper.   HYDE (cont’d): Great. And now, you’ve upset the dog.   Hyde scoops up Schatzi and retreats to his room. Jackie throws her hands up, “what just happened?”

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   The next morning. Hyde and ERIC sit at the kitchen table, eating cereal.   ERIC: So Jackie turns up, tells you, “I choose you,” and you... said “no.”   Hyde doesn’t answer, avoids looking at Eric.   ERIC (cont’d): Hyde, as someone with experience in holding out for the sake of pride, you really don’t want to wait until she runs away to California. Of course, this is Jackie, so she’d probably run away to, like, Dallas. And I can’t see you getting along well with the Texans when you go out to get her. There’d be a bar fight, you spend the night in jail, your cellmate’s a cowboy with a bad moustache and a “Remember the Alamo” belt buckle who makes you his wife... you know what, go ahead and hold out. That sounds fun.   RED and KITTY enter from the living room. Eric stands and moves to meet them by the stove.   ERIC (cont’d): Hey, Mom, Dad. I have something I want to tell you. I’ve decided not to move away.   RED: What?   ERIC: Yeah. I’m gonna stay and put off college for just for a little while. (to Red) Or, at least until you’re well enough to go back to work.   Kitty sweeps Eric into a huge hug. Hyde snickers from the table.   KITTY: My baby! My baby! My baby!   ERIC: Okay, okay, Mom, this is actually kind of embarrassing. You’re actually really hurting me, yeah.   She lets him go.   RED: (to Eric) You mean I’ve been waiting eighteen years for you to get your butt out of this house, and now you’re staying?   Ignoring that, Eric produces a check from his pocket and hands it to Kitty.   ERIC: Look, Mom, I signed over my paycheck to you. I, uh, I want you to go buy yourself something pretty. Or, I don’t know, electricity.   KITTY: Oh, honey, thank you.   She hugs him again, more gently this time.   KITTY (cont’d): Red, it wouldn’t kill you to thank him.   RED: It might. I just had a heart attack.   Kitty gives him a look, then takes a scrap of paper hidden under the coffee tin. She and Red cross to the table and sit.   KITTY: Speaking of which, I found this in the garbage last night. Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn’t have in the house?   RED: Kitty, did you look at that list? If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack, I would’ve walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.   KITTY: Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad. I’ll do it with you. ‘Cause what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.   ERIC: Actually, Mom, Dad’s the gander. The male goose. So it would be “what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.”   He sits back down, takes the list.   ERIC (cont’d): So, let’s take a gander at what you’re giving up with the gander.   He chuckles, even as Red and Hyde roll their eyes.   ERIC (cont’d): That’s how you do that. Okay... (reading) “Potato chips, other salty snacks...”   KITTY: Good advice. The doctor obviously knows what he’s talking about.   ERIC: (reading) “Butter, heavy cream, cheese...”   KITTY: Gone. Makes a lot of sense.   ERIC: (reading) “Alcoholic beverages...”   KITTY: Okay, that doctor’s a quack.   Kitty snaps up the list and storms into the living room.   BUMPER   INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY   A short time later. Eric observes as DONNA packs the suitcase on her writing desk with clothes.   DONNA: God, it’s gonna be so hard going off to college without you. But we’ll see each other on the weekends, right?   ERIC: Well, you say that now, but then there’s that weekend when you call home and say you have to “study” but I hear Moose the placekicker in the background asking if you want another shot of tequila, so...   DONNA: Eric, that would never happen. I would never date a placekicker. It’s quarterback or nothing for me.   ERIC: Ah!   They laugh and embrace.   DONNA: The more I think about leaving you, the sadder I get. And the sadder I get, the more I wanna be with you. Right now.   ERIC: (beat) Now? Well, yeah, I mean, I guess –   Donna shoves him down onto the bed, jumps him, and begins unbuttoning his shirt.   ERIC (cont’d): whoa! All right, this is great! It’ll be, like, completely spontaneous! Like, I just -   DONNA: Why are you talking?   ERIC: I’m sorry, I just –   She cuts him off with a deep kiss. He gives into it and pulls her further down onto him, and we cut to:   BUMPER   INT. HUB – DAY   A very slow afternoon; the place is nearly empty. Among the few customers are Jackie, KELSO, and FEZ at the wall table, Jackie in a chair and the boys in the booth seat.   JACKIE: Do you two think I’m immature?   KELSO: No, you’re almost fully grown.   They both give her a look-over, which she chooses to ignore.   JACKIE: Well, Steven thinks so. Apparently, I’m immature. Well, he wants “mature?” He thinks that’s cool? I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was incredibly realistic.   She looks up in thought. A slow zoom in as we cut to:   INT. HUB – DAY   FANTASY SEQUENCE. The Hub, with all the tables conveniently cleared for any impending choreography. Hyde, Eric, Kelso, and Fez are gathered around the Space Invaders game.   Jackie and Donna enter, Jackie in Sandy’s greaser chick outfit from GREASE. They strut across the room until they stand across from the boys. Eric, Kelso, and Fez all whip around to look at them.   ERIC: WOW!   KELSO: Yowza.   FEZ: Yummy.   Hyde looks up last. When he sees Jackie, he rips the sunglasses off his head.   HYDE: Jackie?   JACKIE: Tell me about it, Steve.   The girls move onto their marks, as do the boys. “You’re The One That I Want” from GREASE begins to play as a full-on song and dance number begins.   HYDE (lip-sync): I got chills! They’re multiplying And I’m losing control ‘Cause the power you’re supplying It’s electrifying!   JACKIE (lip-sync): You better shape up ‘cause I need a man And my heart is set on you You better shape up You better understand To my heart I must be true...   HYDE (lip-sync): Nothing left Nothing left for me to do...   JACKIE & HYDE (lip-sync): You’re the one that I want (You are the one I want) Ooh, hoo, hoo, honey! The one that I want (You are the one I want) Ooh, hoo, hoo, honey! The one that I want (You are the one I want) Ooh, hoo, hoo! The one I need Oh, yes indeed...   By the end of the number, Jackie is wrapped around Hyde with arms and legs as he gazes into her eyes.   HYDE: Oh, Jackie, you’re so cool and mature. Please take me back. ‘Cause we belong together like bob-bobba-loo-ba, shawalla shebang-shebang.   In reply, she pulls him into a long, passionate kiss. The others all group together, offering (ad-libbed) congratulations and celebrations. A heart flanked by two unicorns serves as an iris closing on the scene, and we fade back into reality...   INT. HUB – DAY   Jackie sways gently in her seat to the music in her head. Kelso and Fez share a look.   KELSO:  (to Jackie) Are you gonna sing? ‘Cause we’ve heard you sing, and... you’re not gonna sing, are you?   Fez shakes his head, pleading.   JACKIE: No, but I’m gonna get Steven back, whatever it takes. And I’m gonna get me a pair of those black satin pants, ‘cause I look good in those.   And thus, she turns back to daydreaming.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   A short time later. Hyde snacks at the counter as Red slowly, reluctantly drops an assortment of junk food piled on the stovetop into the trash can.   Eric and Kitty enter, each carrying a cart loaded with liquor bottles.   KITTY: Okay, the doctor wins. Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.   ERIC: (to Hyde) Man, look at all this. It’s like Dean Martin exploded. There were bottles in the liquor cabinet, the dining room hutch, my mom’s nightstand...   He picks up the offending bottle.   KITTY: Oh, no, no. That’s for polishing furniture.   ERIC: Mom, there’s lipstick on it.   HYDE: It’s just your luck, Forman. You’re about to turn eighteen and there’s gonna be no hooch left in the house to steal.   Red and Kitty’s eyes snap to him.   HYDE (cont’d): I mean, avoid. (They stare) Do homework next to. Pray near. (They stare) Come on!   RED: Yeah, it’s gonna be pretty boring around here. (to Eric) You know what you should do? Go to college.   He exits to the basement.   ERIC: Mom, would it be too much to ask for Dad to be grateful that I’m staying?   KITTY: Honey, we’re all going through hard times. You’re giving up your future. I’m giving up my Schnapps. Let’s not compare our pain.   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   THE CIRCLE. Open on Eric’s empty seat, which he hurries into.   ERIC: Hey, sorry I’m late. Donna was really upset about leaving, so I had to comfort her in a bedular way. It turns out, if I get her sad, she gives it away like goldfish at a freakin’ carnival.   Pan to Fez.   FEZ: Eric, I think you may have found a secret “open sesame” to sex. Make the lady cry. Perhaps I should try that with my wife. “Laurie, here’s a dead cat. Now, do me.”   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE:  A little history, Fez – I think Laurie has a lot of “open sesames.” Like “hi, Laurie.” That usually does it.   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: Actually, I only ever got as far as “hi.” Fez, I did it with your wife!   Pan to Eric.   ERIC: God, I have so much power over Donna now. It’s like I know how Obi-Wan Kenobi feels. (doing Obi-Wan) “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” (normal voice) Man, I wish I could do it with Donna in a land speeder on Tatooine. That would be so awesome.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Hot Child in the City” by Nick Glider.   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   Moments later. Jackie, in a tiny bikini and sunglasses, is sprawled out on a lawn chair set up in the driveway. She turns and smiles as the four boys file out from the kitchen. They’re all still coming down from the Circle, but that doesn’t stop them from checking Jackie out – Hyde especially.   JACKIE: Hello, boys.   FEZ: And hello, sun goddess.   If looks could kill, Hyde would’ve just murdered Fez. He looks away from Jackie and inches away from Hyde.   Jackie flips her sunglasses up and stands.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) You know, Steven, a tan’s not the only thing I have now that I didn’t have when we were going out.   She lifts up her right foot, drawing attention to:   FEZ: (gasp) Toe ring.   Hyde, sucking in deep breaths, tries his best not to look. His best isn’t very good.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) Yep. Tan, toe ring – a tattoo.   HYDE: (scoffs) You don’t have a tattoo. You’re bluffing. (beat) You have a tattoo?   He looks her over, tries to see her back.   JACKIE: Well, we’re not going out, so I guess you’ll never know.   She walks past him, brushing him with her shoulder as she does, and heads back into the house. The guys all follow her with their eyes.   Hyde takes a few steps after her before catching himself. Eric, Kelso, and Fez all grin.   KELSO: Look at you watching her. You love her, man. (doing Hyde) “Oh, baby, I love you so much.”   He starts making kissy faces. Fez does the same, and they lean into each other for a bit, just missing the other’s lips.   KELSO: (laughing) Were you doing Jackie?   FEZ: (beat) Yes, yes.   HYDE: Why am I even thinking about her? Man, she’s like Tahiti. It’s warm and it’s beautiful and you wanna go there, but when you do, you get bit by a mosquito and you get malaria and you’re sick for the rest of your life.   KELSO: You know, when me and Jackie were going out, this’d be right around the time that you got us back together after a break-up. It’s too bad you don’t have your own you around.   ERIC: Kelso, would you really want two Hydes around? You’d be getting frogged from the right and the left 24 hours a day.   Unconsciously, Kelso wraps his arms around himself, covering his biceps.   HYDE: (to Kelso) I wasn’t trying to get you back together. I was trying to get her to stop crying.   Each of the boys reacts – Eric amused, Kelso guilty, Fez ready to cry. Hyde stirs uncomfortably under their eyes.   HYDE (cont’d): She was ruining all my shirts.   They keep staring.   HYDE (cont’d): Shut up!   When they keep staring, Hyde delivers an open-palm smack to Fez’s forehead. He falls back against Eric, who falls back against Kelso, and all three of them collapse to the ground. Hyde marches off down the drive.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Another day. “Baby Come Back” by Player is on the radio. Eric and Donna read a magazine together on the couch, Jackie sits in the lawn chair, and Kelso paces up and down.   KELSO: Jackie, I’ve noticed you and Hyde are still broken up. As the man who used to pleasure you endlessly, I think it’s only fitting that I take over Hyde’s old job of getting you back together with your fella, ‘cause when I’m a cop, I’m gonna have to deal with domestic cases like this all the time.   DONNA: And the good news is, he’ll have guns.   KELSO: Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake. Y’know, they should’ve put me in charge of Vietnam. I would’ve had those people making out in a week.   He exits out the basement door.   ERIC: Wow. Donna, that might be the last time you’ll ever get to see Kelso make an even bigger mess of a problem.   DONNA: Yeah, I’m gonna miss that. And I’m gonna miss you.   She sets the magazine down and leans into Eric.   JACKIE: Well, I’m not gonna miss you two slobbering all over each other like fat girls in a house with free meat.   She stands and exits out the basement door.   ERIC: And that might be the last time that Jackie ever makes fun of us, fat girls, and meat.   DONNA: Yeah...   She throws herself at Eric, and they begin violently making out. Thus begins:   MONTAGE.   A) FORMAN DRIVEWAY. Eric and Donna lean against the Vista Cruiser. Eric heaves a long sigh.   DONNA: What?   ERIC: Nothing. It’s just... this could be the last time that you and I stand by the Vista Cruiser. I just waxed her – she’s all slippy slidy.   Donna whirls around to kiss Eric. The two of them make out, sliding up and down the Vista Cruiser.   B) DONNA’S BEDROOM. Donna sits at her writing desk. Eric stands over her, toothbrush in hand.   ERIC: Donna, this might be the last time I bring you your toothbrush.   DONNA: That’s not my toothbrush.   ERIC: (beat) Might be the last time I bring you the wrong toothbrush.   Donna shoves everything off her desk. Eric lies down across it, she jumps on top of him, and they go at it.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY   Later that afternoon. Hyde and Kelso sit in the chairs on the back porch.   KELSO: Okay, Hyde. If I’m gonna get you and Jackie back together, I’m gonna start by doing what you always did for me, which was point out all the stuff I was doing wrong. So let’s start with the fact that you have curly hair.   Hyde gives Kelso a dirty look. It goes right over Kelso’s head.   KELSO (cont’d): That’s cute on girls and little kids, but on a man, that’s just dirty. Plus you don’t wash it and you’ve got those sideburns, so that’s a double ugh. (afterthought) Oh, and you slept with that nurse.   HYDE: That only happened because you hit on Jackie for that whole year, and it led to a misunderstanding. And I owned up to what I did. If Jackie was gonna take me back anyway, she shouldn’t have made me spend all summer waiting on her.   KELSO: Yeah, but Hyde, you should’ve known she wouldn’t just get over that. You never pushed her to just get over it when I slept with Laurie, or made out with Pam Macy, or stole 50 bucks from her, or that mess Fez and I left in her dad’s Lincoln after that night of cow-tipping went wrong.   HYDE: (sighs) Fine. Maybe I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.   KELSO: Now, see, that’s something that Jackie oughta know.   CUT TO:   INT. DONNA’S BEDROOM - DAY   Minutes later. Jackie and Kelso stand in the bedroom, talking.   KELSO: Hyde says that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.   JACKIE: What?   KELSO: I’m just telling you what he said.   JACKIE: All right, look, Michael, Steven’s the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together, but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.   KELSO: Well, somebody ought to make that clear.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   Minutes later. Kelso and Hyde, basketball under his arm, stand in the driveway, talking.   KELSO: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess ‘cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.   HYDE: That can’t be what she said.   KELSO: It’s word for word, man.   HYDE: Kelso, would you get out of here?   KELSO: What? I’m helping.   HYDE: You’re making me wanna kick your ass!   KELSO: That better be the rash talking.   Kelso walks off through the garage. Hyde nails him in the back with the basketball before heading into the house.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Kitty looks over items on the shelf near the patio door. Red enters from the living room, paper bag in hand. He takes a careful look around the kitchen, but misses Kitty. She watches as he draws a can of beer from the bag and pops it open. He lifts it to his lips to drink...   KITTY: Busted, mister.   Red slams the can down on the stovetop.   RED: You’re like a damn cat. I’m gonna make you wear a bell.   Kitty crosses to him, points at the can.   KITTY: Bad health in a can, that’s what that is. The doctor said he wants nothing like that around here, and I agree. All it takes is a little willpower, Red.   Kitty opens the flour tin and pulls out a bottle of wine. She pours a healthy amount into her water glass.   KITTY (cont’d): Even though you used to do something without thinking, you just – you have to grab a hold of those thoughts.   She downs the wine.   RED: Can I get you a refill there?   Kitty looks from him, to her glass, to her bottle.   KITTY: Well, there’s a lesson for you. You’re welcome.   She exits to the living room, taking bottle and glass with her.   As she leaves, Eric enters.   ERIC: (to Red) Hey.   RED: Oh, hey – listen, son. You know, uh... it means a lot to your mother, you staying here and helping out the family. And as for me, I... well, uh...   He takes a scrap of paper from his pocket and hands it to Eric.   RED (cont’d): There. The doctor said I should write down my feelings.   ERIC: Are you actually thanking me?   He reads the note.   ERIC (cont’d): This is a list of yard work.   RED: Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all that mowing you’re gonna do.   ERIC: You’re welcome, Dad.   RED: Yeah. Well...   Eric steps in for a hug, but Red holds his hand up.   RED (cont’d): All right, we’re both men here.   Eric nods, heads out to the drive.   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY   Eric and Donna sit on the couch, watching GILLIGAN’S ISLAND.   ERIC: Oh, God.   DONNA: What’s wrong?   ERIC: Nothing. It’s just... this could be the last time that you and I watch Gilligan get hit on the head by the Skipper.   DONNA: Eric, the more we talk about me going away, the sadder you get. And being with you so much lately has been great, but afterwards... well, you always used to look a little bit ashamed, and... I mean, now you just seem depressed.   ERIC: Oh, no, no. I’m not depressed, Donna. You are depressed.   He stands, shoves everything off the coffee table.   ERIC (cont’d): Okay, let’s do this.   DONNA: (stands) Okay, hold on. All this “last time” stuff – have you been saying that just for sex?   ERIC: What? Have I... what? (doing Obi-Wan) “This is not the one you’re angry with.”   He waves his hand in front of her eyes.   DONNA: You’re disgusting.   She storms out the door. Eric sits down. Donna re-enters immediately, and Eric stands back up right away.   DONNA (cont’d): That might be the last time we fight over you trying to get me to have sex with you!   ERIC: I know!   Donna hurries over to him, takes him in an embrace, and they fall back down onto the couch as they kiss.   BUMPER   EXT. FORMAN FRONT PORCH – DAY   Closer to evening than afternoon. Fez and Kelso sit together on the front porch. Kelso has a hand on his temple.   KELSO: This “getting people back together” business is hard. I don’t remember ever throwing a basketball at Hyde’s back when he was doing this, and I don’t think Jackie ever threw an empty hairspray can at his head. (to Fez) Your wife did that to me once.   FEZ: I get it. You had sex with my wife. Stop rubbing it in.   KELSO: Wow. I wasn’t even trying to burn you with that one. It’s just too easy. Just like your wife.   Fez turns away, pouting, while Kelso chuckles.   KELSO: Man, it’s obvious that Hyde and Jackie both wanna be together, and they would be in a second if they just thought that the other one had said “I’m sorry.”   He considers that for a second, then leaps to his feet, Fez following.   KELSO: Eureka, Fez! Eureka!   FEZ: I’m one step ahead of you, my friend!   KELSO: Yeah, I’ll just lie to both of them and tell them the other one said “I’m sorry!”   FEZ: Oh. I thought we were going to try and get my wife to do me.   KELSO: (beat) Good luck with that.   He claps Fez on the shoulder and runs off.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY   Minutes later. Kelso has gathered Jackie and Hyde in front of the Vista Cruiser. He takes them each by the shoulder and pulls them in closer.   KELSO: Okay, here we go. Let’s make up.   JACKIE: All right. Look, Steven, I heard what you said.   HYDE: Yeah, I heard what... wait a minute, you heard what I said?   JACKIE: Yeah, Michael told me. And, just so you know – I’m sorry too.   HYDE: Too? No, you’re not sorry too. You’re sorry one, I’m sorry two.   JACKIE: (beat) Wait, what? No, Michael said -   HYDE: Yeah, he said that...   They both turn to glare at Kelso.   KELSO: Whoa! I did my work. You two gotta clean this mess up yourselves.   HYDE: (to Jackie) So nothing’s changed then?   JACKIE: (shrugs) Guess not.   HYDE: (scoffs) Forget this.   Jackie turns to head down the drive, Hyde turns to go back into the house. Kelso pulls them both back and turns them toward each other.   KELSO: Okay, enough. Look, you guys, who cares who apologized first? (to Hyde) Jackie obviously wants to be with you, and you’re here, which means that you wanna be with her, and I don’t blame you, ‘cause with that rash, you ain’t got a whole lot of choices.   JACKIE: All right, look, Steven, do you wanna be with me?   Hyde gives a very small shrug.   JACKIE (cont’d): No, no, a shrug’s not gonna cut it. Steven, I need you to say something. All right, look – I’ll even go first. Steven, I wanna be with you. And you?   HYDE: I... can you hang on a second?   He turns to Kelso and frogs him in the arm.   HYDE (cont’d): Would you get out of here?   KELSO: If you want me to leave, all you have to do is say “please.”   HYDE: Fine, please!   He frogs Kelso again.   KELSO: That’s better.   He retreats into the house.   HYDE: Jackie, I do wanna be with you.   Coy, Jackie takes a step in.   JACKIE: Because...   She traces a heart in the air with her fingers.   HYDE: (beat) Will you take a shrug for that?   JACKIE: (smiles, shrugs) Eh.   She throws her arms around his neck. His arms wrap around her waist, and they kiss.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   LAURIE is at the island with a laundry basket. She sorts through her things as Fez comes up from the basement and moves behind her.   FEZ: Hello, darling. I see you are washing your unmentionables.   LAURIE: Yeah. Do you know what gets out grass stains and Kailua?   FEZ: Anyways, I was thinking how sad you must be considering the mess you made of your life. With all that sadness, do you also not get needy?   LAURIE: Y’know, I sort of do.   FEZ: Ali Baba, the treasure is mine!   LAURIE: I’m gonna go see if Carlos is home.   She struts out the door. Fez sighs, smiles, and leans on the laundry basket.   FEZ: That Carlos is one lucky S.O.B. to have a wife like mine.   END.

***

I hope no one's disappointed by how comparatively unaltered this one is to 6-01! If I'm being honest, I don't find the idea that Hyde would be too proud and stubborn to get back together with Jackie right away after making him wait on an answer to be out-of-character; I just don't like the sloppy and cavalier way the show presented that idea, or the lack of a peek behind the curtain as to how he really feels. With these rewrites of 6-01 and 6-02 together, I've tried to do that.

In any event, now that Jackie and Hyde are back together, it's on to the middle of Season 6...

[esseastri]

Literally everyone: AAHH MASS EFFECT ANDROMEDA!!!! Me, seven years late with starbucks: so, I just finished ME2 and yowza, guys

.

Okay, so some of you might remember that a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (oh shit wrong fandom), I was liveblogging Mass Effect 2. For various personal reasons, I stopped the liveblog some time ago--I jumped ship and liveblogged all three Dragon Age games, and then, when I was meant to pick the ME2 blog back up, some personal shit happened and it was easier for me to just finish the game without the liveblog. I’m sorry if you were looking forward to live Suicide Mission reactions, but I can provide, in bullet point form, a summary of what would have been the end of the liveblog if I’d been able to finish it properly!

(Having now written it up, I guarantee, you’re not missing anything by this not being an immediate liveblog--it is JUST as funny this way, I promise!!)

It did get quite long, so here it is, under the cut:

I successfully scanned/probed every. planet. in the galaxy. I’m not joking. Every single one.

This made for a lot of boring scanning time, but it also revealed a lot of sidequests--all of which I completed. 

This included taking out the entirety of the Blue Suns mercenary operation via fucking up their fake-distress-signal trap and stealing their stolen cargo after killing off several of their captains.

Also I stopped some missiles from crashing into a small colony? I think?

I successfully completed every sidequest that had anything to do with quarians.

Samara’s loyalty mission!

I flirted with her daughter so badly it was embarrassing, but hey, that’s the way to bait serial killers into getting KO’d by their moms, so...

Thane’s loyalty mission:

I’m still genuinely surprised that that security guard honestly believed I was a health inspector are you kidding me I’m fully armed and armored how does this outfit say ‘health inspector’ to you pls I fear for the security of the Citadel

But hey, we stopped the kid from killing anyone, so that’s good.

Also, what is up with my squadies having kids who want to murder people who we have to prevent from murdering people? Guys. This is bad parenting. Pls. 

I scanned some more planets and did a few more sidequests.

Miranda’s loyalty mission:

there was some hinky shit with this whole situation, but it’s Miranda: of course there was hinky shit. But I’m glad her sister was WAY Chiller about the situation than I thought she was going to be.

I AM SAD I MISSED THE PARAGON QUICK-TIME-BUTTON AND MIRANDA MURDERED HER CHILDHOOD BESTIE THAT WAS VERY UPSETTING AND I’M NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE

Jacob’s loyalty mission:

TALK ABOUT HINKY SHIT WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION

tbqh, I’m still not 100% sure what the fuck happened on that mission. I got the toxic food made people wacky, but I’m unclear on the ten-year wait before activating the distress beacon. You cannot have just been chilling like a king while the crew got slowly more poisoned for ten years and been having a good time. Bro, pls.

I’m v glad Jacob was chill with me throwing his dad in jail.

I did some more sidequests. I cannot stress enough how many fuckin sidequests I completed.

LEGION: hoooo boy. 

1. I fucking hate husks and fighting husks and getting swarmed by husks and dying a lot but it’s fine, I’m fine

2. Geth still make me nervous. I understand that there are good geth and bad geth, but I spent waaayyy too long fighting that Colossus on Therum in game 1 to fully be okay with them.

3. Tali’s non-reaction was the most ridiculous and out of character anything in the Bioware universe. There was NO REACTION AT ALL to us activating a geth on board a ship that has an AI installed on it. And no reaction to us recruiting that geth. The only reaction we got--finally, AFTER FINISHING Legion’s mission--was her anger over Legion trying to send info on the Flotilla to the geth. Which, yes, warranted a reaction, but sO DID A LOT OF OTHER STUFF. And the fact that Bioware was too lazy to write Tali some reactions to this geth just chillin’ in our AI Core offends me deeply.

4. Legion’s mission: I really, really didn’t want to do either option, tbh. One felt like genocide and one felt like mind control and I was 100% not there for either of those versions of events. (I eventually decided to blow up the station: see point 2 above.)

The second EDI was like “u should take everyone on the shuttle; the ship will be fine!” I was like, “OH JESUS FUCK NOTHING WILL EVER BE ‘FINE’ AGAIN”

There is nothing--nothing--more #relateable than Joker running through the ship as it’s getting attacked by Collectors and just repeating “shitshitshitshitshit” for the entire time. 

It was about this time that I realized the next THING was the Omega-4 Relay and I had to do some googling. Did you know that the Mass Effect Wikia is 100% Useless when it comes to figuring out how to get through the Suicide Mission without getting anyone killed?

I spent a lot of time being TERRIFIED that I’d somehow missed a ship upgrade, even though there was no possible way for me to have missed a ship upgrade.

GARRUS AND I FINALLY DID THE DO. THERE WERE CANON FOREHEAD TOUCHES. HE WAS A NERD. IT WAS SO FUCKIN CUTE I DIED. IT WAS SO CUTE.

The fight with the Oracle in the basement was waaayy chiller than I thought it was going to be, and my sister, from across the room, just laughed and reminded me that I was playing on Casual mode.

The briefing room scene: 

Miranda: “We’re going to have to split up into several groups.”

Me: “Worst. Idea. Ever.”

Miranda: “You have to pick someone to go in the vents. I volunteer!”

Jacob: “I also volunteer!” 

Me: “Ahh, thanks, but I’ma send Legion, ‘cause Legion is the best tech guy we could possibly ever have? Considering it IS...tech?”

Miranda: “Ugh, fine. Pick someone to lead the second squad. Again, I volunteer.”

Me: “That’s nice. Hey Garrus, darling--meet me at that fucking door, and you better be alive, babe.”

Garrus: “Sure thing, babe.”

Miranda: “Uuughhh, at least we know he knows what he’s doing. Fine.”

SO WE SET OFF INTO THE COLLECTOR BASE, SPLIT UP INTO SEVERAL GROUPS, AND I ALMOST HYPERVENTILATED OUT OF NERVES AND MADE MYSELF COUGH.

I got Legion through the vents without it melting.

I spent a lot of time reminding myself that if you murder all the collector drones before you kill Harbinger, then you only have to kill Harbinger once, as opposed to once for every drone in the room.

There was a terrifying moment at the first locked door, when I was very certain we were all going to die.

No one died.

I WAS REALLY WORRIED THE CREW HAD BEEN LIQUEFIED BUT THEY WEREN’T, I SAVED THEM ALL! IT WAS AMAZING!

Also, the liquefying was suuppper gross and unnecessary, thanks Bioware.

The First Regrouping scene:

EDI: “Sorry, guys, but you need to go through that hallway full of seeker swarms, good fucking luck.”

Samara: “I could probably make a biotic barrier and keep them off us? It’ll be slow, but I can do it.” Miranda: “SO COULD I. Any biotic could do it! I VOLUNTEER!”

Me: “Uh, it was Samara’s idea, soooo...she’s gonna do it.”

Miranda: “FIIIINNE. Someone has to be a distraction and go the other way, though. I fucking volunteer, goddamit, Shep, just let me do my fucking job.” 

Me: “Garrus. Darling. Babe. Be safe.”

Garrus: “Sure thing, babe.”

Miranda: “I’m. going. to. stab. you.” Doctor Chakwas: “Can someone get us back to the ship? We’re all in really bad shape.” Miranda: “We do not have people to spare, sorry.” Me: “Hey, Mordin, I love you, but you are not extra great in combat. Want to escort mission this shit?” Mordin: “Good idea. Joker: need coordinates for pick up.” Miranda: “GOOD. LET’S GO. WE’VE GOT SHIT TO KILL. COME ON.”

At this point, I did feel a little bad for Miranda, but listen: I googled who was best for what, okay. Everyone had to live, okay.

We hiked it through the seeker swarm hallway and it was actually a really cool mechanic! I was impressed!

Thane kept getting into cover outside the protective bubble though, ‘cause he’s a doofus, and Tali and I were just like “pls, son, get inside and stay alive, we can’t take all these collectors just the two of us. I mean, we can, but it’ll go much faster with you helping. get inside the bubble. pls.”

I legitimately thought Samara was going to die of exhaustion before we reached the door. I assume that if she’s not Loyal, she might die there? But everyone was super loyal so it was fine, but I WAS WORRIED.

I had a heart attack when Garrus called for help and we had to bust down the door and save him and the other squad and I WAS SO WOORRRIIEEDD

AND THEN IT LOOKED LIKE HE GOT SHOT IN THE STOMACH AND I LITERALLY SCREAMED I WAS SO TERRIFIED BUT HE WAS FINE AND IT WAS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE

It didn’t happen, because the game doesn’t support public displays of affection, but if you think that Gen didn’t grab Garrus’ face and kiss the fuck out of him once she’d decided he was alive and not shot, then you and I are not watching the same show.

So, after the traumatized, mid-battle kiss: 

The amount to which I wanted a v small, v scared scene in which Shep got to say a non-goodbye to the LI she is leaving to cover the door as she goes on ahead is astronomical, but the game did not provide, so I’m just going to have to fanfic the shit out of this.

The fucking human-reaper-larva was NASTY AF and I took half a look at it and went “NOPE, I’MA TAKE MY GLASSES OFF AND DO THIS FIGHT BLIND”

my sister laughed at me

I realized after two seconds that that wasn’t going to work ‘cause I couldn’t see the adds, and I had to murder them, too, sooo I put my glasses back on, and it was AWFUL

The “shoot the canisters” part of the fight was SOOOO easy, I was v concerned that I’d messed something up because it was so simple? Just waves of collectors? and then it just FALLS? I was Suspicious.

The Illusive Man chimed in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of working toward goddamned human supremacy” and wanted me to SAVE??? the collector base???? for “““RESEARCH”““???

So I said, “yeah, that’s fucking dumb, we’re not going to do that” and set the place to blow the fuck up

AND THEN I HAD TO FIGHT THE FUCKING TERRIFYING HUMAN REAPER THING AND IT WAS GROSS AND DIFFICULT BUT I WON IT WAS GR9 I DIDN’T EVEN DIE ONCE!!! OR RUN OUT OF AMMO!! IT WAS AMAZING! A MIRACLE!

So then everything blew up and THE PLATFORM STARTED FALLING AND I 100% FOR SURE THOUGHT TALI WAS DEAD

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TERRIFIED I WAS

I STARTED CRYING IMMEDIATELY AND THEN SHEP GRABBED HER HAND AND THEN LOST HER GRIP AND THEN THEY LANDED AND THERE WAS A GIANT BEAM ON TOP OF TALI AND I LEGIT STOPPED BREATHING

I STARTED COUGHING BECAUSE I WAS SO UPSET I STRESSED MYSELF INTO A COUGHING FIT IT WAS AWFUL I WAS CRYING AND MY SISTER WAS JUST LIKE “she’s Loyal, you’re fine, she’s fine” and I continued to freak out until she stood up and it was terrifying.

I then told the Illusive Man to fuck right off, stole the Normandy, and got my peeps together to murder some Reapers.

and BOY HOWDY THAT WAS A LOT OF REAPERS LIKE #YIKES???

SO That was the end of ME2!

A brief review: I liked bits of it, and viscerally hated other bits, tbh. I’m still not a fan of the mechanics, but once I figured out which guns to use against which enemies, things did get slightly better. I still hate the very idea of the Collectors--no one needs bug aliens who kidnap and liquefy people, I mean COME ON--but there was some cool stuff with that plotline as a whole. Also, I hate Cerberus, and I wish the game had let me more explicitly publicly pronounce myself as working WITH them out of desperation as opposed to FOR them because we believed in the same things.

Listen, Evil Martin Sheen, you underestimate how much I LOVE ALIENS and how little I care for the human race. So,

anyway

overall: not bad. Looking forward to the third one much more than I expected, tbqh, and that should be starting soon! I do plan to get back into the liveblogging swing of things, but that one WILL be over on the liveblog blog, found here. I’m hoping to start sometime next week, if not before then, as I’d really like to get to Andromeda before I have to fight the internet over spoilers. So, yeah! Thanks for putting up with this liveblog dying and being resurrected in this truncated form. I hope to see you on the liveblog blog for #Megan plays ME3 SOON! :D

[boozedancing]

AK: Hey, G-LO, do anything for Record Store Day this year?

G-LO: Sure didn’t make it to a record store. I’ll blame those damn kids of mine for missing out on the fun. How about you?

AK: I took a kid to a record store. And it was my kid. The 17 year old daughter. She’s got the vinyl bug. It’s not an actual bug cuz I ain’t paying for a de-lousing.

G-LO: Whew! Been there with the lice! Never fun. Interestingly enough, the Great Lice Incident of 2010 happened while I was at a Whisky Extravaganza, so I didn’t have to deal with it. I got lucky for once and dodged some critters. Thank god for whisky!

AK: It is THE best medicine.

G-LO: Amen, Brother! Did the kid buy any vinyl?

AK: She did. She’s not like me. I was flipping through every record in every bin in a store when I was her age. She’s focused, unlike me.

https://vimeo.com/265386725

G-LO: I remember those days. I skipped my high school senior prom and went vinyl hunting on South Street instead. I mostly bought used LPs. We were crazy for vinyl back in the day. So many record stores in Philly, especially used ones. We’d occasionally road trip to a place called Plastic Fantastic in Villanova. Or was it Bryn Mawr?

AK: Here too. Big stores and little independent ones. I worked at The Wherehouse in college. Think they were only in California. But they were big time store. Fun working there. Fueled my own vinyl bug.

G-LO: God, we’re old.

AK: Yes, yes we are. But these are good memories.

G-LO: I concur. We were a bunch of music and vinyl junkies back then. So much fun.

AK: I loved flipping through the bins. Spent many days doing that. Took the kid to Amoeba Records in Hollywood for all the Record Store Day festivities. She got her four albums, and I got bupkis. And the bill.

G-LO: Ain’t that always how it goes? Ahhhhh, the joys of parenting!

AK: I used to buy lots of used and cut-outs on account of me being cheap. You’d be shocked about the prices today. Just insane.

G-LO: I don’t wanna know.

AK: No, sir, you do not. That being said, I love that she has the vinyl bug. My 1,000+ record collection has an heir!

G-LO: Or at the very least, a way to fund a month of college tuition. One word: eBay.

AK: Thanks for reminding me about the cost of higher education.

G-LO: Wait. 1,000+???

AK: Used to be 2,000+, but when Offspring #3 arrived and space at home became… scarce, I sold off about half of them. I didn’t really need a picture disc of Journey’s second album, did I?

G-LO: Yes, you did, Mr. Perry. You stopped believin!

AK: Sadly, I did. So they’re all in boxes in my office at work waiting for their triumphant return to the castle.

G-LO: I sold my 350+ collection when I got married.

AK: I would have bought them!

G-LO: Hoarder!

AK: Watch your mouth, Sonny!

G-LO: Ever see High Fidelity?

AK: Love that movie! The book is great too.

G-LO: YES! I think the Jack Black character was inspired by the guy that refused to buy my albums. All I remember is him calling over his buddy and saying something like, “Yo, Mitch! Check it out! Aqualung. Never saw that one before.”

AK: Your buyer didn’t want your Cecilio & Kapono collection?

G-LO: I kid you not. I sold many things when I got married. And 19 years later, they’ve all come back. Vinyl. Steel frame bike.

AK: What goes around, comes around. I’ve often thought how my vinyl record life and my whisky life never intersected. I fondly remember sitting back for an evening of record playing. With a soda pop or some cheap booze.  Would’ve been great to have a dram or two while reading the liner notes.

G-LO: Totally! I kinda miss album art and liner notes. Used to study those things ad nauseum. Dates. Musicians. Producers. I’d have it all memorized.

AK: Me too!  Like baseball data.  Those CD’s are not for old man eyes. The iPhone is convenient but not exactly the same as a gatefold double LP to hold in your hands.

G-LO: So true. First serious album you ever bought? And “Ernie’s Greatest Hits” doesn’t count, Big Bird.

AK: I don’t remember the first LP. But the first single was…”Bungle in the Jungle”. Jethro Tull. It all comes back to Mr. Aqualung, my friend.

G-LO: For me, I think it was Billy Joel’s “52nd Street”. Or maybe the Star Wars soundtrack? I remember saving up for two months to buy that! Donna Summer’s “Greatest Hits”. Had that too. And a poster of her sitting on one of those big old radios.

AK: $3.99 was a lot of money back then! Double albums. A bit more. I recall doubles being $11.99 in the late 70s-early 80’s. Again, you don’t want to know the price today. I wish someone could figure out how to put our vinyl love together with our boozy love.

G-LO: Funny you mention that.

AK: I’m a funny guy.

G-LO: With a face that only a mother could love.

AK: Not my mother

G-LO: Mine neither. Booze and Vinyl.

AK: Booze and Vinyl. That should be the name of a book or something.

G-LO: Guess you haven’t checked your mailbox lately. Seriously. Go check!

AK: It’s a long walk to the mail box at the end of our estate. Hold on. I’ll take a jog. Back in about 15 minutes. Unless I take the horse.

G-LO: Ride like the wind, Bullseye!

60 minutes and 18 seconds later…

AK: I’m back! Jeez, we really need to get a new horse or get a moving sidewalk, though that would probably require moving the tennis court and the Roman fountains. Let’s see, what did the mail carrier bring today? Bill, bill, bill, junk mail, bill, bill, tax lien, bill, Publisher’s Clearing House, TV Guide, bill, occupant, occupant, Reader’s Digest., Highlights, Life, Amazon, Amazon, Amazon, bill. What’s this? A book?! Booze and Vinyl? What the heck?!

G-LO: Indeed! It’s like they know us.

AK:They? Now I’m worried.  This is way better than another Christmas catalog and Target ad!

G-LO: Totally! I’ve been perusing it for a couple weeks now. Love the concept! Thirst inducing AND it has me kicking myself (which isn’t easy thanks to my bursitis!) for selling my vinyl.

AK: I love the cover! Though I’m appalled that the records aren’t alphabetized and in clear plastic covers! Ok, I was a tad anal about my collection. I’m sorry.

G-LO: Never kept my albums in plastic, but they were alphabetized by artist and then in order by release date.

AK: Good man. If you’re gonna do it, do it right. I love the look of this book. Pretty neat that the writers pair albums with cocktails and give you the recipes! Brilliant!

G-LO: I’ve tried to go digital with all things and rarely buy books. This one would lose something on a Kindle. Love the feel of the paper and the photography. So so pretty! And just the right size too.

AK: Divided up by kind of music. Good, because I don’t like all music! I’m a snob!

G-LO: Yes, you are. And you don’t drink beer. Seriously, what’s wrong with you?

AK: Spun way too many records in my time probably.

G-LO: No doubt. There are some delicious sounding cocktails in here. Nice mix of classics, riffs on classics, and a couple “Why didn’t I think of that?” ones.

AK: It’s a very well thought out concept for a book. What booze goes with what music or album? It’s a recipe for a party, dinner party, date night, or a solo night.

G-LO: Absolutely! But there is one risk, Mr. Anal Retentive Record Collector: Scratched records and booze spills on records!

AK: That’s two risks. But this is a book for adults, not pimply faced kids who are trying to fire up some cash for a sixer (as opposed to a Sixer) and a bag of Cheetos. It’s adult reading about adult activities. Insert your own joke here.

G-LO: Good point! I love background music when I’m drinking. Adds to the experience.

AK: And this is the kind of book that would be perfect to read while spinning a record with a cocktail in hand. Interesting thoughts on the vinyl and the recipes.  Plenty to give one pause… between sips.

G-LO: They got their mise en scene on fo’sho!

AK: Brother and sister writing team. Wonder how they came up with the list of records and drinks. Probably no fighting at all. Siblings love each other, right?

G-LO: Some do. Some don’t. This book ain’t their first rodeo. Lots of drinks and record spinning is my guess.

AK: Booze can be inspiring. All in the name of research!

G-LO: Until you get poo-faced.

AK: Ick

G-LO: Exactly.

AK: Quick! What are  your five desert island discs from the book?

G-LO: “London Calling”, The Clash. Buena Vista Social Club. “Kind of Blue”, Miles Davis. “What’s Goin On”, Marvin Gaye. “In the Wee Small Hours of the Evening” by The Chairman of the Board.  You?

AK: Jeez! That was fast!  Hmmm.  The Cars first album, Pogues “Rum Sodomy and the Lash”, The Doors first album, Sinatra, AC/DC “Back In Black”.  Wish Frank could’ve done a few covers off that one!

G-LO: Respect! Ask me tomorrow and I’ll have five different discs for ya.

AK: I hear that! Quick! Five cocktails from the book to go with your choices.

G-LO: Whiskey Smash! Godfather! Aviation! Suffering Bastard! Old Fashioned! BOOM! Yours?

AK: Old Fashioned, Gin & Tonic, Whiskey Smash, Smoking Martini, Manhattan! BOOM!

G-LO: Yowza! I really like cocktails.

#TequilaNegroni! Thanks to @withthedarlingtons for the guidance! #DamnThatsDelish! . . #cocktails #cocktail #booze #drinks #dranks #mexitalian #agave #liquor #boozeandvinyl #nightcap #boozeography #lookdown

A post shared by Don G-LO Corleone 🥃🍸🍻 (@boozedancing) on Apr 28, 2018 at 8:02pm PDT

AK: Ok, Disc Doctor, why’d you choose those records?

G-LO: It was about mood. Chilly and rainy day. Making picks while on the train. They just spoke to me.

AK: This is the neat thing about a book like this. It promotes conversation. Just like whisky!

G-LO: Plus, those discs are legit.

AK: Mood really is a factor. Weather too. I’ve been on a Cars thing since they’ve been getting some buzz again after getting into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

G-LO: Absolutely. Two weeks ago I was all about Jack White and all of his music permutations. Tonight, I’m all into Tom Waits.

AK: The only part of a song I can play on a keyboard is from “Moving In Stereo”.  Here, I’ll show you… oh, wait… never mind.

G-LO: That’s one more song than I can play.  I have zero musical talent.

AK: That Pogues album is so Irish. There’s pain, drinking, and pain, and drinking.

G-LO: Ever hear Lewis Black and his bit about the Irish?

AK: No

G-LO: Name three albums that you would add to the book. Go!

AK: Mark Lanegan “The Winding Sheet”. Metallica “The Black Album”. Rush “Permanent Waves”. Now you!

G-LO: “Rain Dogs” by Tom Waits. “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd. “Exile on Main Street” by The Rolling Stones.

AK: We’re on a roll! Thinking about our friend, Rob Gard. Didn’t he say something like “no cocktail should have more that four ingredients, and one of those has to be ice”?  Those are my kind of cocktails. Not too complicated, yet tasty.

G-LO: Sounds right. The Darlingtons must be friends of Rob. Turn to pages 12 and 13. Me thinks I’m gonna have a 2 ingredient cocktail.

AK: This is my kind of list! Fifty plus cocktails with 2-3 ingredients! This is my language considering my limited bar and language skills. Rob and the Darlingtons would get along famously!

G-LO: Totally! These crazy Booze and Vinyl kids live in Philly.

AK: WTF? In your ‘hood! Booze and Vinyl party at The Barthenon!

G-LO: Apparently! They had a couple of events for the launch last week and the week before. Damn kids and work got in my way! Two questions… Whatcha listening to? And, whatcha drinking?

AK: I got three answers.

G-LO: Show off!

AK: I actually have the Cars on. And I’m killing a bottle of Creative Whisky Co. Islay bottling.  And my third answer is “C”.

G-LO: “C” is how I passed tests in college. It was also my final grade more often than not.

AK: As long as your above sea level, it’s a-ok. What’s playing there and in the glass in front of you, maestro?

G-LO: Rain Dogs. Cause it’s raining.  Be right back with a drink!

AK: I’ll be right here.

G-LO: Smokin’ Hot Ginger rides again!

Ladies and Gentlemen, say hello to Smokin’ Hot Ginger! . . One part @laphroaig #Cairdeas. . Two parts @fevertreemixers Ginger Beer. . Lots of ice. . Wedge of lime. . Cheers! . . #whisky #laphroaig #booze #gingerbeer #spicy #smoky #cocktail #drinks #refreshing #spirits #video #timelapse #mixology

A post shared by Don G-LO Corleone 🥃🍸🍻 (@boozedancing) on Apr 14, 2018 at 8:16pm PDT

AK: That sure is pretty!

G-LO: And tasty! Pairs well with Mr. Waits.

AK: Thumbing through this book is really fun. There are food recipes too. Boozy Honey Chicken sandwiches with honey and avocado slaw. Yum!

G-LO: Led Zep-Loin! Oh yeah! That sandwich sounds awesome.

AK: It’s a book that covers a lot of areas but doesn’t seem busy or over the top, or even unfocused. There’s some pretty easy home bar tips and hints in the back too. Too often you see all the fun sucked out of drinking by making it all too complicated. Stop being nerdy, people! Have fun!

G-LO: I agree. To be honest, I don’t read many drinks books. Especially the history ones. They get boring after awhile. But this book is like a great pop song. It has a hook.

AK: And it’s not dumbed down at all. It’s a conversation starter!

G-LO: And it’s not condescending either, like you.

AK: I condescend because I care. It wasn’t thrown together like those cheap coffee table books on the bargain table at Barnes & Nobles. Those things ARE the dumbing down of America.

G-LO:The sister of this dynamic duo teaches writing at St. Joe’s University in Philly. Go, Hawks! I wanna take one of her classes. Lord knows my writing could use some work!

AK: Sign up! You can be the Rodney Dangerfield of St. Joe’s U. G-LO stars in Back to School!  The Triple Lindy of all Triple Lindies!

G-LO: I don’t get any respect either. I’m a Melon!

AK: This book would be great on a coffee table or on a bookshelf. It’s fun reading and a fun conversation piece.

G-LO: I’ve been carrying it around in my briefcase. Reading it on the train.  Like I said, it’s just the right size!

AK: Fun idea how each album gets a “genre”, year, “when to spin”, “liner notes”, and a “before you drop the needle” note that gets a little wacky.

G-LO: Why didn’t we think of this?! And the Side A / Side B bit is priceless!

AK: It’s a book of album reviews, though they do like them all; and paired cocktail recipes. Just a neat concept. I think I was hoping for all of the songs listed per side but this is better and not so nerdy.

G-LO: For the record (pun intended), I was always a Side B kind of guy.

AK: You’re a deep cut, kind of guy.  You really were made for FM radio. Which is a dying medium.

G-LO:  Me and Casey Kasem.

AK: One, Casey is dead.  Two, more like Jim Ladd. Casey loved Top 40 and tall blondes. And not in that order.

G-LO: This book is total hipster, but without crossing the line to douchebagism. It’s an invitation.

AK: Indeed. Not sure it would get you to become a vinylphile, but if you are one, it’s a lovely reminder why you are.

G-LO: One more album for the road. GO!

AK: First Van Halen album! Owww! Or however Diamond Dave would scream it.  Now you!

G-LO: My Funny Valentine, Miles Davis in Concert.

AK: Oh, Miles.

G-LO: Ask me again tomorrow, and you’ll get a different answer.  Miles and Coltrane. Sooooo good!

AK: The best thing about music and booze. Ever-changing with the mood or atmosphere.

G-LO: Absolutely! Always cracks me up when someone asks you to name a “favorite” of anything.  It’s all about time and place.  Speaking of time. We’re running out of it and losing readers by the second.

AK: Mix in the right booze and you have a perfect evening  This is a book I’d easily give to someone as a gift.

G-LO: And then say, “Screw them! I’m keeping it for myself!”

AK: BOOM! Giving starts at home!

G-LO: The best gifts are the ones you wanna keep for yourself.

AK: Well, we have one here. Well done, Darlingtons!

G-LO: Which reminds me. I bought you a bottle of whisky.

AK: THANKS!

G-LO: Sadly, I drank it. You would have loved it!

AK: Bastard

G-LO: Yep.

_________________________________________________________________

Many thanks to Running Press for the advance copies of this book, The Darlingtons for masterminding this excellent, conversation starter of a book, and Jason Varney for creating so many beautiful images! 

.@AaronMKrouse + G-LO sip, spin, and ramble on about #BoozeAndVinyl! @wTheDarlingtons @Running_Press AK: Hey, G-LO, do anything for Record Store Day this year? G-LO: Sure didn't make it to a record store.