#adviceonalcohol

[divinediva13-blog]

Alcoholism

Tonight I want to talk about the affects of Alcoholism and how this impacts Relationships. Before I met my current partner I was with a Man who abstained from Alcohol - Why? Because his Mother was an Alcoholic and he didn’t like what he saw and grew up with - And didn’t want to take the same path as his Mother. 

Many people who choose not to drink alcohol do so for the same reasons - or have seen the severe affects alcohol can induce on the human psyche. 

Growing up I enjoyed nothing more than having a nice cold bourbon at the pub. My Mother did not drink a lot but would drink on occasions, and I guess through my upbringing I knew that getting ‘blind’ wasn’t necessary and was able to have a few drinks here and there without issue. 

When I broke up with my ex partner I met a Man who ticked all of the boxes I wanted in my ideal man. He was charming, he was sweet, flirtatious, easy going , fun loving and very persistent. He and I were also quite drunk the night we met, celebrating a Public Holiday at one of the local pubs in our city. 

Until this point in my life I alcoholism did not directly impact my life. My ex and I had other issues that split us apart, such his lack of motivation and inability to hold down a decent job. It put pressure on our relationship and as a result we split. 

Meeting my new man, and looking to live a ‘new’ life with a fresh start, I recall our first date and him cooking me a glamorous meal and bought over a bottle of champagne. Although by rule of thumb I would not drink with my meals let alone throughout the week, I let my guard down and chose to enjoy the romantic moment in my fresh start. 

That following weekend he came to my house, and he bought with him 3 beers to sit down and drink to watch the footy. This concept was very new to me as I had been with a non-drinker for most of my adult life up until this point. 

I recall thinking to myself that I needed to lighten up as people have social drinks all of the time, and yes I did enjoy a drink or two at times, maybe I had become uptight given my ex-partners alcoholic mother and the values it imposed on him. 

The following week he came to stay and bought over a carton of beer. I was okay with it - after all he had demonstrated sensible drinking behaviours on the occasions I had spent time with him. 

This is where it all began. 

To get to the crux of the matter that I want to talk about, over a period of 3-6 months I progressively noticed his increased drinking habits. 

He worked a 7am - 4pm job and I worked night shift - from 1pm to 11pm. 

The hours we spent together (as he had moved into my unit) consisted of early mornings and late evenings from 11.30am onward. 

Due to the fact I wasn’t home in the afternoon once he had finished work, I didn’t have a problem with him coming home and having a few beers. Understandably I also recognized that by the time I got home, he was extremely tired as he had been up since 7am that morning. However - I started to notice that it wasn’t just tiredness that was making him fall asleep on the lounge before I got home everynight - he was drinking a lot of alcohol while I wasn’t there. 

During the week when I would arrive home, we would have a small conversation and he would pop himself off to bed, which was cool with me. I recall our first argument. It took me completely by surprise. 

It was his sisters birthday and we had been invited to the pub to have dinner and drinks to celebrate. 

I had an early/late shift that night. The dinner started at 7pm and I finished at 9pm. We spoke on the phone that afternoon and I recall him saying to me that he was happy to skip dinner, wait until I came home and we would go there together to have a few drinks after the dinner. I thought it was sweet. 

I came home that evening pumped to go out and spend some time with him and his family - I found a note on the table - it was quite abusive hence the reason I was taken by surprise. 

It stated something along the lines of his brother had come over, they decided to leave early (which was fine with me) and that he didn’t want any bullshit or for me to have a problem with it. And if I did - I could basically go get fucked. 

Not once that night did I have a conversation with him about him leaving early of me having a problem with it. What I did have a problem with was the note he had left me and the abusive message. 

I recall trying to phone him to find out what was going on. At first I honestly thought it was a joke. He didn’t answer his phone. It created an enormous amount of anxiety for me. I felt helpless, confused and unsure of what I had done to deserve this kind of treatment. 

He pocket dialled me by accident - I could hear music in the background and him talking loudly. I thought he had attempted to call me but soon realised what had happened. 

I tried him multiple times again - and finally he picked up. I asked him what the hell was going on, why he had left the note, and where he was. Little did I know at the time he had been drinking all afternoon - was totally innebriated and out of nowhere a rage kicked in. 

He didn’t tell me where he was, he told me he didn’t want me to ruin his night and that he had every right to be out celebrating his sisters birthday without shit from me. 

I was dumbfounded - I had no understanding of where his train of thought came from, why he thought that and why he was being so aggressive toward me. 

I worked out there were only a few venues in town where he could be. Normally I would have just stopped it right there and hung up but I was so upset I wasn’t sure why this had happened and wanted to confront him. 

I found him at one of the local bars - I recall walking up the stairs and he was surrounded by women. He turned over and saw me and then said in a loud voice ‘oh oh - and there she is right now’. 

He had been talking about me to his sisters friends. And he was blind drunk. 

I was embarrassed and furious - we argued in front of his sister and her friends. I felt terrible about causing a scene but just could not understand why he had treated me this way. 

That was the very first time. It ended in a loud argument outside the front of the venue followed by me actually punching him in the face. He was vicious - I was sober. I don’t condone violence either. I soon learned you don’t fuck with a man who is completely drunk and has a trigger switch. 

The next morning... 

He apologised profusely and so remorsefully. I accepted it. It was our first big fight but I had to voice my opinion and ask all the hard questions of how it all eventuated. His response - “I don’t know - It was stupid - I was drunk - I’m sorry - It will never happen again.”

These words have become all too familiar in our continuing relationship over the last 10 years.

I’m not going to go into every single event that has happened in this particular post. There are too many to name. 

Skipping forward to tonight - So it is his sisters 30th birthday. 

We have many periods of abstinence drinking alcohol during our time together. Over the last month we have been drinking on a Saturday night at home - having a games night with a female friend I reconnected with recently. It has been tame, controlled and the nights have been full of fun and many laughs. 

Again - I begin to think to myself - I can trust You. We have rebuilt our trust and set our boundaries and expectations around alcohol and I’m comfortable with you going out on your own and drinking without me. (which is usually the better outcome)

I dropped him off to the venue this afternoon and asked him to be on his best behavior and reiterated my anxieties about him drinking and for him to take these feelings into consideration. He promised me he would not have a late night and would be home by 6.30pm for dinner and a quiet night. 

We are quite broke this week so I believed sincerely that he would do the right thing, make an appearance and have a few beers and come home. 

Each time he has made these promises they turn awry. It never works out the way it is planned and this is from past experiences. 

But silly me holds hope that THIS time - Things are going to be different. 

THIS TIME he is going to respect our conversation and agreement - this time he KNOWS how these things go down, has learnt his lesson from past experiences and won’t let me down on his promise to me. 

Stupid Me. 

I hated myself this afternoon when I dropped him off. In my mind I did doubt him - then I beat myself up for thinking so negatively and being so untrusting of him. I think to myself ‘You are the one with the problem - Not him’. Have faith in him. 

He let me down. 

I dropped him off at 4.45pm this afternoon - It is now 2am in the morning and I’m sitting here writing this post. He’s still not home, and it’s starting to look like he probably won’t come home. 

My gut instinct told me this afternoon this would happen - And I didn’t listen to it. 

Fool me once - Shame on You - Fool me 20 times Shame on Me. 

I feel like a fool. 

After almost 10 years he still cannot commit to me. I should have known the first time. Quotes like ‘A leopard will never change his spots’ come to mind. 

Do I tolerate it? Do I keep silent? Do I confront him about it. 

His Alcoholism has had him locked in jail, he has ended up in assaults and has recently finished community service for his most recent. 

When he is not drinking, he works hard, strives to be sweet and attentive, is extremely creative and I’m aware he lacks self confidence. 

I don’t know what to do now. I feel lost, abandoned and am losing hope. 

I’m of the belief that not one single person will read my post tonight - Leaving my thought to float about the internet like a lost butterfly. But if you happen to stumble across it, I ask your opinion - What would you do.?: Because I don’t know.... 

Divine Diva