#advice with haleigh

[growingingreenwood]

Casual reminder that the rest of the world will always be significantly more impressed with your talents than you'll ever be. Stop being so hard on yourself.

[growingingreenwood]

It's too much of me in ur life, but if u will tell me to go away, I will. Anyways, my dads mood today: to make me cry hysterically and not let me go away to be alone with my tears, because «c'mon cry about how bad I am here» while I was literally yelling many times to let me go to my room

Part 2: Omg, I wrote the first part of the ask, and then saw the last chapter of "Little moments", and my feelings for Ferdan quickly moved from 'little awe' to 'awe and SAME, BRO'. When Thranduil and Luthien comforted him, I literally felt it for myself, and it was... wonderful and super in time. Won't I ask for too much if I ask you to persuade Ferdan to tell me something reassuring? (idk why he should lol)

O.o.o..o.

Ferdan: "Its hard to have good advice that fits well enough for many people, because every life and every moment is so incredibly versatile and individual that its impossible.

But I think the most important and reassuring things I've always been thankful to have is a clearer veiw of my self, and my worth. Because even though you may be trapped in a situation with people who don't beleive in you, their criticisms become a joke instead of a bullet if you beleive in your self.

And your own worh.

Then, as you grow out of this situation (because you will, time changes everything one way or another.) The new people you meet will not even have the chance to doubt you.

Treat yourself inwardly, and outwardly like you deserve to be treated and you're life will have no room for this who offer less.

The crowd reacts to how you react to yourself. If you stumble over words and get embarrassed, those watching will follow suit. If you stumble over words and laugh about which two words you accidentally put together others will laugh with you.

They scream because they want the crowd (you) to scream back and justify the situation. If you remain calm, the crowd (your dad) might be shamed into reacting the same.

Find a space in your head that you can go to when people are attacking, a little slice of peace. Remember your good qualities. Remember the good you add.

You're still young and growing your feathers, child, but soon you'll learn it can all just be water off a ducks back

[growingingreenwood]

SORRY🙏🙏🙏 for this just in the middle of ghost hunting, but it seems like I literally HATE my father and living in one flat with him ((im 15)) is just... Stressful, stressful and stressful. I live almost nocturnal, so as not to cross paths with him. My mom is a little better than him, but... Pressure on me became normal lately. Tolkien dad is needed:// Sorry again u absolutely must not reply💕

DONT BE SORRY HELLO TOLKIEN DAD IS HERE!!!

Im sorry you're having so many troubles with getting along with your family, living with my parents did that to me too. I would go to bed at like 7 am and then have them shout at me for being too lazy.

Is there a public place that you're comfortable and safe in?? I used to spend lots of time at parks. I would pack snacks, a blanket, books, notebooks etc and spend a good 4-5 hours out there.

It gives you fresh air, sun, your own space, peaceful environment, & maybe you'll have a fun adventure!!

I love you be safe

[growingingreenwood]

So basically the reason I’m feeling so alone is because I’m nonbinary and I��m out to my friends and they’re really supportive and that’s really nice but I’m not out to my parents because they’re transphobic and lately I’ve just been really dysphoric and every time I hear them use my dead name or incorrect pronouns it just feels like a bullet in my side and I want so badly to be out to them so that I can get a binder and wear clothes that are comfortable for me and use my real name -🏳️‍🌈 (1/2)

another thing that’s bothering me is I’m out to my parents as a lesbian and I have lesbian pride stuff but what if nonbinary lesbian isn’t valid and I have to reinvent my identity? And I’m not out to my best friend because he’s super sheltered and only just recently started to learn that lgbtq+ isn’t bad and I know he’ll support me but I’m worried about losing his parents’ support because they’re like my second set of parents and I love them and I don’t want to have them disown me -🏳️‍🌈 (2/2So this is an add on to my 2 part (now three part) ask. I think my dad might actually be the only one of my parents that’s transphobic. I’m worried that I’m going to tear their marriage apart by being who I am (3/2) -🏳️‍🌈

--I tried to put in a read more link. Didnt work--

Hello my love, I want to firstly apologize for the late response to these questions. I was wary of trying to answer them on my own without any personal experience with this particular situation, because I know how important this situation is important to you. I had reached out to a friend with personal experience but have not heard back about their contribution. So I will answer with the info I have gathered in my psyc classes/ research I've done the past few days/ and helping friends through similar situations. 

I am obviously, by no means an expert, and anybody is welcome to add their KIND, RESPECTFUL, SUPPORTIVE, and HELPFUL advice or stories as well. 

I’ll start with your best friend: 

When I came out as Asexual (I’m acutally Demi-sexual but I didn’t know that yet) to my best friend at the time, I started by sort of… expressing that I felt my current identity wasn’t fitting quite right for me. It felt like something was off with the way I was trying to live my life and be me, I just didn’t know what it was yet. I explained my feelings to her the best I could without applying labels (I was SOOOO stressed because she has a super high sexdrive and works at an adult toy store and all that so yeah) 

So I explained to her that I just didn’t understand what books/songs/ and movies were referring to when they talked about this “sexual attraction you literally cannot resist) because the concept is literally absurd to me. She asked about all of my favriote celebreities and if I would have sex with them or not, and I told her that the thought for real disgusted me. I explained that I had literally never once at any random human and even thought about kissing them, or having them in my space in any romantic way at all. 

A few days later I cam back to her and told her about some research that I had done, and that I had found something that I thought might fit me better. I brought a little quote somebody had written online about how they felt as an Asexual to help those who were questioning themselves help to figure it out. And I pointed out all the places we felt the same. I told her how much better it made me feel to have this label, this one that finally fit because it stopped the thoughts that there was something wrong with me. 

Your best freinds is new to the community, so maybe start by telling him about a really beautiful story about an individual who discovered their Non-binaryr identity and how wonderfully it touched their lives. How it helped to heal their lives. Explain in a greater detail what it means to be Non-binary. Give him a chance to adjust to the idea of the identity, while you continue to talk about it positively. 

Then when you do come out to him, just remember how much he loves you. It might be helpful to ask him at the start of the conversation to not interrupt you or ask questions until you’re done talking or explaining the situation. Another tactic that I often use for really difficult news, is to write it all in a letter and go sit in another room while they read it. This way, you have the freedom to write and rewrite the letter however many times that you want until it sounds how you want it to. In this discussion, you could ask him not to tell his paretns until you are ready for more people to know. Remind him that you’re telling him this because he is your best friend, and you need his support and love now more than ever. Perhapes ask him to do some research on his own before he really decides anything.  

For your parents: 

Coming out to your parents is…… literally so scary. And there is really never a food time in which to do it. Having to live while keeping this secret from them can be so hard, I understand that so much. But your safety is also the #1 priority right now. 

If it is not safe for you to do so, now might be the time unless you can set up arrangements to stay somewhere else for an extended period of time. You are a beautiful person, and the world needs you here, safe, and full of love still. So please, be careful. 

To start, perhaps ask them to use a nickname instead? Perhaps say that friends at school gave it to you or something, and it makes you really happy to hear it. Or that you’ve recently met somebody with the same name as you that you STRONGLY dislike and don’t want to ‘share’ the name with them. Is there any way to start to slowly transition your clothing? 

For example: If your usual style right now is something like yoga pants maybe swap that for a pair of jeans that aren't super form fitting. Instead of getting a binder right away, invest in some really high quality sports bras. It isn’t the exact same effect, but it might help in the meantime and is much safer than using things like tensor bandages. 

If they question this change in dress, perhapes tell them that this is the new style at your school. Or a new trend started by your favorite celebrity. Tell them you’re bored of your old look and wanted something new for a change. Perhaps if you make the changes ‘slowly’ per say it won’t be as jarring to them. 

If you still decide this is a good and appropriate time for you to come out to your parents, it might be a good idea to have the discussion with your mother first. If you think that only your dad is homophobic/transphobic. That way it will be less likely that you will be interrupted during your heartfelt explanations, and your mom should (theoretically) be more open to the idea. It might help you figure out the best ways to tell your dad, but also you’ll have an ‘ally’ of sorts when it happens too. 

More care should be taken into your information and resources, I think, when you tell them. Such as printing out a sheet of websites to help parents to ‘cope’ with their child telling them of their new non-binrary identity. If you want, you can even find the one you connect with most and print it, give that to them on paper with links listed after it. 

Statistics might be nice, like having how many non-binaryr or genderfluid people live in the same city/ state / country as you so that it does not seem so uncommon for them. 

Here is a sample sentence to get things started for you:

“Even though you may see me as a woman, on the inside, I am not a woman and I am not a man. I’ve been using the word ‘genderqueer’ or ‘non-binary’ to describe my gender, which means that I don’t identify with either. If you placed me on a spectrum, with ‘masculine’ being at one end and ‘feminine’ being at the other, I’m somewhere in-between. Identifying as genderqueer has made me feel so much better because being seen as a woman or a male made me feel so distressed and unhappy. Like I was forced into a box at birth that nobody would let me out of it”

Analogies might also be helpful, as it can help frame this new information to them into a more familiar manner. Like this: “Imagine if someone just assumed that you liked ketchup on your hotdogs without even asking you. For your entire life, they refused to put anything on your hotdogs but ketchup – even though you know, deep down, you like relish.

Finally, you decide to come out and say that you like relish. But every time you ask for relish, people say to you, “If you don’t like ketchup, you must like mustard. There are only two options.There are obviously more than two ways to eat a hotdog, just like there are more than two ways to express and explore gender, but society seems fixated on hotdogs with ketchup or mustard – and nothing else.

Similarly, society seems to think there are only two valid options when it comes to gender – man or woman – when there are actually lots of other ways to embody gender, and even ways of having no gender at all.” 

A good strategy for serious conversation is to use a lot of “I felt” or “I feel” statements. That way, you are still expressing yourself and your feelings while also not making them feel like you are attacking them directly or anything. For example, a good sentence might be to say: “

I feel afraid that if you knew who I really was, that I would lose you,” or “I have been feeling very alone lately, and I’m hopeful that now I won’t be.” 

Lastly, I would suggest being prepared to tell everybody but especially your parents exactly what you need from them in this situation. You may be familiar with all of this terminology and stuff but they arn’t. This is alien territory to them, help them help you by making the things you require them to do or change as clears as possible. Maybe write down a list. 

Stop using my dead name. (Maybe work together on a good nickname with them to use instead? When my friend transitioned from FTM, when he legally changed his name he went with “Emmet” instead of “August” like he wanted, so that his mother could still call him “Em” which had been his nickname since childhood, as he was born with the name ‘Emily.” This might help your parents feel like they still have ‘their’ child still.\

I need to change the way that I am dressing, because it makes me feel very uncomfortable and self consciousness. 

And whatever else you might need form them. 

My beautiful little bean, if you come out to your parents and one of them wants to support you, and one of them doesn't and it ends up breaking them up, I’m certain that they had differences fundamental enough that its probably for the best. And if they didn’t have fundamental differences, they do now. 

One of them took the fundamental concept of parenthood seriously and one didn't: The concept of loving and supporting your child for as long as you’re around on the earth to do so. 

I don’t really think the difference could possibly be more fundamental. 

Sometimes, it takes people a while to get used to the idea. If they react negatively now, they might still change their minds the more they think it over / see how much it means to you. Some people (like my own mom) H A T E change. Hate it. And their first response is always to go on the defensive without thinking. I think you all will have to remind yourselves and eschither to have patients with this.

Remember: Your worth as a human can never change, no matter how much it may feel like it can. You are starting your journey to find the home and the body that you were made to find, its scary, so so so scary. So take your time, enjoy your path. Take deep breaths. Others will ALWAYS love you for the divine creation that you are. The worlds is always ready for you to meet the next ones to love you.

I hope this has helped a little bit at least. I love you. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛