#adult.

[trans-axolotl]

content note: discussion of suicide.

this next monday will be the six year anniversary of losing one of my friends to suicide.

when he died, my high school barely mentioned his death, even though for other students who died by things like car crashes or illness, there were so many public expressions of grief. they believed that having any memorials for a student who died by suicide would encourage other people to die the same way. in their rush to erase the circumstances of his death, they erased the memory of his life.

there are so many things i am angry at that high school about in terms of how they treated mental health (mandatory reporting and collaborating with cops, their refusal to recognize the ways in which that system led to peer-to-peer crisis support, their refusal to recognize the ways that trying to keep each other alive through trial and error was scary and exhausting, carceral disciplinary policies, etc etc etc). but i think one of the things i am still angriest about is the way they enforced shame around his death. it felt like they were retroactively blaming him for the constellation of circumstances that made suicide an option in his life. it felt like they were blaming those of us who missed him and cared about him and wanted to grieve him. it made those of us still there who were actively suicidal feel even more scared about the reaction if we did reach out for help from one of those mythical safe adults.

as an adult now involved in psych abolition/mad liberation work, it makes me so fucking mad to see the ways in which he was discarded by people in authority positions. and the older i get, the more options i have found in my life for making sense of the world and finding healing and community and support which were never available to him because he died when he was 16 and the only things offered to him were a carceral psychiatric system that blamed him for his own fucking death. it feels so incredibly unfair.

i miss him and i think i always will; i can't remember his laugh or the sound of his voice or his favorite color any more and that aches. this grief is so heavy and it feels harder in a new way each year, when i become older than he will ever be. sometimes meeting new comrades or seeing new anticarceral suicide support models hurts because i wish so fucking bad that we had that back then. i remember how close we came to losing even more people that year and i know it is simple fucking luck that i'm still here when he's not.

i remember another letter (never sent) that i wrote to a friend while they were in an ICU bed after a suicide attempt when i didn't know if they would live or not. i have spent so much time in the past 10 years begging for anything to keep me and my friends alive, but even in that letter i knew that there is so much fucking violence that is hidden beneath psychiatric logics of cure and safety that promise a "solution" to suicide. I knew that institutionalization, coercion, and shame would not have helped build a life more liveable for him or **** or any of the people i've loved and lost since.

there needs to be more fucking options for care and support that aren't so incredibly cruel to suicidal people. i know so many people doing incredible work in alternatives, peer respite, a million different frameworks for healing and liberation. but it makes me so mad every day i have to live in a world where there are still people restrained, locked up in psych wards, having all autonomy and personhood taken away from them. knowing there are dozens of people every day getting blamed for their deaths the same way he was blamed for his.

i miss him. i cared so fucking much for him. and he died by suicide, and all of those things are true. he has been dead for 6 years and he lived before that and the people who loved him want to remember all of him; our celebrations of his life should not require hiding the way that he died.

Image description: [1000 origami cranes in all different colors and patterns that are tied together in strings of 25]

(these were the 1000 cranes we made to give to his parents, in memorial and recognition of how much he meant to us.)

[bettertwin9000]

DONNIEEE!! It's Angelo from madmutts!! I want you to know that I'm proud of you! You're very smart and your brothers love you 💕💞💓💘🧡💓 You're gonna do great things, I just know it!

HOLY SHITMD

Fuck

Inmean

Yes

Thankyiuohgeez.

[mosquitogirl]

[knightofleo]

ADULT. | Our Bodies Weren't Wrong

[omegaremix]

Omega Radio for February 24, 2018; #155.

Boy Harsher “Pain”

Hante. “The Storm”

Contrepoison “Heartbeat”

Led Er Est “Scissors”

Molly Nilsson “I Hope You Die”

Sanne De Neige “Dans La Foret”

KVB, The “Always Then”

Princess Century “Crummy Bones”

Natural Assembly “Life Blossoms”

Sextile “One Of These”

Soft Moon, The “Burn”

Adult. “Dance Avoid”

Grun Wasser “The Deep”

Believer/Law “Ashes”

Military Position “Babes Ov Babylon”

Drvg Cvltvre “Waging A War Against God”

Goth-Trad “Air Breaker”

Actress “Dancing In The Smoke”

Johnny Jewel “The Hacker”

Peaches “Convincing People”

Prayers “Edge Of The Blade”

Dilly Dally “Desire” (Crim3s RMX)

Grimes “Genesis” (Blvck Ceiling RMX)

Algiers “Death March” (Prurient RMX)

Rrose “Surgeon General (Her Insides Laid Bare)”

Deluxe all-darkness set.

[ridingonempty]

Facesitting

[bury-me-in-analog]

See that bad omen looming above?

Remember - You don't worry enough

Flushed in red, won't move an inch

Nothing is harmless

You got it hard, and you got it rough

But you still don't worry enough

[taylorrpark]

@youlittleduckhouse tagged me to post four albums i’ve been listening to recently!

deftones, white pony

adult., anxiety always

king krule, man alive!

ciccone youth, the whitey album

tagging @belial-piety @orange-calx @sufferinproxy , if u want to

[dagwolf]

Spinning: Adult. Anxiety Always. 2003.

[videoacolyte]

❛  come on, talk to me, please. i can hear it in your voice that something is wrong.  ❜ ; @perfectionreached

Sometimes they hate how well Tai knows them. Just by the change in the way a specific word is pronounced. Van can tell every emotion crossing Tai's face just by the way her eyes change. The eyes show everything, the window to the soul. A dark void behind the eyes. The cinematic KUBRICK STARE. A deep nothingness. What they felt out there, following their every moment since then. Van always thought they were free now, lying to themselves in every way. Working in a relic, tied to a past they can't forget. Grasping at any way to keep the past alive so no one can repeat any atrocities. That's a good reason to save even the bad movies, to keep someone from making all the same mistakes. Then again, even awful film can garner a CULT-LIKE following. "You came here to talk about you, Taissa. Do you think my voice is supposed to sound normal? Of course something is wrong!" They wave their arms, exasperated. It used to be thrilling how all encompassing Taissa Turner could be. Van could forget themselves, forget anything just looking at her. Now they're just tired.

[youngtough]

New Objects

[paintedcrows]

They do this every year...

Happy 25th to Dipdop and Lebam!! and Happy 17th to Hatsune Miku!! 🎉🎉

(comic continued: The M&M stands for...)

[bumblingbabooshka]

Vulcan teen on Vulcan [tiktok] saying "I have just lost track of my father in the grocery store." The camera turns to show the viewers the grocery store in which almost every single older middle-aged man has a bowlcut and long robes. Camera turns back to show the teen's face which is expressionless and yet communicates all it needs to.

[skullchicken]

If you have achieved something, please remember to observe a mandatory period of basking in the warm glow of your achievement like a lizard on a stone, lest you teach your brain that effort is futile, actually, because it didn't get to enjoy its happy chemicals, so, naturally, nothing good ever comes of trying. (And no, avoiding punishment is not a reward!)

I recommend, like, 5% of basking time in relation to whatever time you invested into achieving the thing minimum. And if you can't make your own bask, friend-brought is fine (= tell your friends!).

[bipolarmango]

My doctor and therapist: now with this autism + ADHD diagnosis you need to learn to unmask because masking all the time will make you burn out again and feel like shit

Other people: well it's just interesting how after getting the diagnosis you suddenly start behaving like that I mean I'm not saying you're faking it's just funny how you suddenly cannot be normal like you were before