#additional mentions: tximidity

[muu-kun]

What Muu wants:

Deo (I've tried to answer the ask so many times and drafts, but wanting only goes so far smh)

To cry a nasty, ugly sort of sob

To fight somebody on Sully's behalf and then quite possibly fight Sully himself. We like to keep things interesting around here.

What Muu doesn't want:

To be perceived by anybody (except Neff. He's always bothering her, so she gets no reprieve)

[muu-kun]

It has been a hot minute since I've posted Muu updates, especially in regards to mental health developments, so here go:

Though it isn't entirely lifted from him as bouts of it can still occur should he forget to take his medication, his medication no longer aids him per an ineffective dosage, or should other factors such as placing himself into highly stressful and triggering events occur, his diagnosis of Alice in Wonderland Syndrome is a mute point. Through some additional testing, much of which he admittedly wished to refuse to his own denial that the medical professionals he was going through would find what they were looking for, it was surprising to find that what was causing his bouts of it to begin with was none other than epilepsy. He'd known himself to have a genetic anomaly caused by his form of Kallmann Syndrome that is linked to such condition, such as it is with adhd, and autism, both of which he also has been diagnosed with at different points in his life; however, he had serious doubts about having it himself as he'd never experienced anything he'd have considered to be seizure, or seizure-like even, in his entire life. What he'd later find by holding onto such a statement on such observations is that he simply didn't know the complexities of such a condition. It was unknown to him that seizures were not entirely full body, and instead could be isolated to jerking within the hand, or fingers. There could have even nine at all, as he found out, but instead an offset stare accompanied by a complete lack of body movement. He'd been hearing his whole life that he had the tendency of appearing out of it, or captured by his own mind, yet his contribution to that had always been that perhaps he just wasn't a very bright individual. Only when his absence seizures were replaced by what he'd have later found out to be focal seizures after finding himself concerned about progressively appearing spasms in his pointer fingers specifically did he get to an opportunity of finding more about himself than he truthfully wished to do so personally. Even so, he is still plenty appreciative of the discovery, because now he is on an epilepsy medication. He's thus far been on it the entire month of July without mentioning to anyone. With it becoming otherwise public knowledge at this point, he can at least also share it with the associated knowledge that he hasn't experienced even one instance of feeling very small in a oversized world. If anything, he's actually only found himself offhandedly mentioning the wish to be taller before moving on to better, more practical uses for his focus and time.

Rumination and insomnia are also null in their placements on the board. Nights in which he'd be up until 2, maybe even three in the morning, or ones in which he'd be able to get himself to sleep with limited issue yet would wake up hourly with immense problems getting back to sleeping peacefully, have entirely been replaced by those in which he's lights out on or before 10:00pm and stays deep in slumber until 6:00am the next morning to begin his daily routine unbothered. This is an incredibly exciting development for Muu personally as he still distinctly recalls how difficult it was for him to get even an ounce of rest leading up to and during the pandemic as he would be ruminating about every decision and mistake he'd ever made his entirely life up until his great sadness was enough to lure him into sleeping. It is also of interest to him when it comes to even present conflicts, and how they fail to impact his ability to sleep as they would've years, or even weeks ago. I take for example how the situation between himself and Calix affected him versus the latest one with himself and Sully ( character / blog mentions: @tximidity). In the case involving being informed by the then stranger to him, Calix, that he possess a victim complex, that initiated him into Stressed Mode completely. It embedded itself under his skin enough to lead to not only a nightmare based on the experience, but he also found the high levels of worry he was placing onto his body as a result of a comment he believes was most certainly not intended to hurt him that badly led him to one (which is still thought to be too many in his mind, especially considering his age and degree of health) instance of nocturnal enuresis. Fast forward to being told by Sully that the pair were essentially no longer friends, something that of course Muu would not wish to hear for a number of reasons associated with underlying trauma. As of yet, even, has that hindered his quality of sleep? No, actually it hasn't. It has a tendency to eat at him during the day, yes, but surprisingly once his body is ready for rest, it doesn't allow for even a single thought to disturb him from falling asleep the moment his head hits the pillow. Even on occasions in which he is pulled from sleep by his dog, Match, needing a late into the night bathroom break, or even just a sip of water, he doesn't find himself on dwelling on anything beyond his wishes to go back to sleep-- which, as it would, are granted just as immediately as they are at the start of his rest hours prior. He hasn't been able to sleep so soundly since he was SIXTEEN years old. It might not be an incredibly exciting thing to celebrate, but he's joyful over it all the same.

Additional things to consider:

No, none of this is to even suggest the narrative that he is Healed. I can list right now all the reasons in which that is NOT true:

Self esteem is still non-existent. No matter how much he'd like to be able to even say one positive thing about himself, he unfortunately can not. Any attempt at doing so continues to be met with a voice informing him that he is either incorrect in his opinion, or that there is some other factor about himself so heinous that any posivity in any other area becomes void of merit. Even in a situation in which a loaded firearm is placed to his head, and the only thing determining if he lives or dies in that moment is the ability to list even just one thing about himself that he likes, he'd unfortunately perish due to being absolutely unable to compliment himself.

He still can't keep a consistent job as his mental stability is realistically anything but. Leaving the house is an incredible feat that he admittedly can't always find himself able to accomplish. This is especially true on days he's filled himself with the narrative that he lacks friends, and is otherwise incapable of being saved due an inability to maintain a consistent social group to call his own. Loneliness and grief has truly been eating at him in excruciating doses lately, so really he's only managed to make into work in the instances in which he's messaged directly by his supervisor informing him that he's personally needed for assistance in or outside filming that day. Even then, his appearances within the establishment are limited to only a couple in the late afternoon to seven at the latest as he is not one to like to be anywhere but at home getting comfortable by 7:30 - 8:00pm.

He's still attending daily inpatient care. Per the recommendation of his therapist to attend group therapy, and as a result of some days being exceptionally cruel to himself in manners he's not comfortable addressing, he's been checking himself into his local mental health clinic every Monday through Friday. It starts sharply at 8am, and he stays throughout the entirety of it up until the last minute rolls into 3:00pm. He's very fortunate that his therapist was able to get him into the program free of charge by way of reaching out to them directly with information revealing Muu to be on a limited income due to government funding and a mental health related unemployment history. Truthfully, on days in which he misses out on attending by way of either sleeping in, or other necessary expectations rise up instead, he quite literally cries in distress over it. He's never fit into a group before, or at least not for an incredibly lengthy, or consistent period of time, but there he does. Not only are there people healing alongside him, but there's also numerous trained professionals and volunteers alike on the premises all there to be helpful towards those ongoing journeys. Of course he prefers to participate in activies and sessions ran by older staff members there, especially the male's unsurprisingly, as he likes to refer to them as being "real" grown-ups to his.. not so great strategies at being one.