#adderall is not meth for fucks sake

[inbabylontheywept]

Adderall, and the Gospel of Dose and Dose Rate.

So, I have seen a lot of posts in my life about how Adderall is KINDA like meth, but it has X, Y, Z, key differences that make it act chemically different so it's safe. And I hate these posts because it is safe, and I took (prescribed) Adderall something like eight years, but the difference between Adderall and meth isn't some structural thing, or a chemical thing, it's two big things, and a little thing. "The Big Things" are Dose and Dose Rate. "The Little Thing" is just addiction risk for a given population.

So, lets just kill The Little Thing while we're here. Yes, people with ADHD are more likely to experience an addiction in their life - something like 30% more likely. This risk makes people nervous about giving people with ADHD possibly addictive substances. However, there should be a strong exception made for ADHD medications because people with ADHD who are on medication become something like 30% less likely to develop addictions. There are two key points in this. First, people with ADHD are way less likely to get addicted to amphetamines than the general population. The reason for this is obvious: They affect us very differently. If there was a drug that made you feel really compelled clean dishes, vacuum, and study, you might take it every once in a while, but you wouldn't want to take it every day. And while most people experience amphetamines as The Drug That Makes You Confident And Energetic And Horny, we experience it as The Drug That Makes You Do Chores, so it's not very alluring to us. Hence, they aren't at risk of addiction from that specific drug. Second, when people with ADHD are on their medications, they are markedly less impulsive than the standard population. Hence, their flat addiction risk decreases. "The Big Things", the real meat and potatoes of what sets prescription Adderall apart from meth, are the dose and the dose rate. Regarding dose, a normal prescription for Adderall is around 15-25 mg a day. A normal amount of consumption for a recreational amphetamine user is 300-800 mg a day. I cannot overemphasize just how obvious this makes the difference to me. One dose of OxyContin after a wisdom tooth extraction would make the pain a lot more bearable. Twenty all at once would probably be lethal. One dose of Ibuprofen will make your headache better. Twenty will cause some kind of permanent organ damage. One shot is enough to party, but twenty has a greater than fifty percent chance of killing you. A Civil War surgeon would not give you twenty shots before trying to saw your leg off, because at that point the drink would be more likely to kill you than the surgery.

And then there is the dose rate. Adderall is designed to hits its peak dose in 1-2 hours after first swallowing. It's split into 4 different types of amphetamine salts specifically to break the peak up into four small ones. Meth, when inhaled, has one peak that occurs about five minutes in. So you're looking about getting 12-36 times the dose, absorbed something like 48-192 times as quickly. That's it. That's the difference. There's nothing more that could be said about it than that. The chemical changes are only relevant in the sense that the affect how fast the chemical can be absorbed, and the doses just are what they are. Dose and dose rate. Everything else is just jargon.

[copperbadge]

Hi! I suspect this question may sound sarcastic or asshole-ish, but I promise it's sincere. And I realize that you're not a doctor, so feel free to ignore or tell me to DMOR, but you seem to have looked into this pretty extensively, so I thought you might have some thoughts. If you take ADHD meds and they work (that is, you don't feel any different but you can actually Do Things, which maybe gives you really positive feelings, which is not how you usually feel about yourself), how do you know that it's actually ADHD and not that normally you're just lazy, but now you took meth and you're hyper and euphoric or whatever it is that it does to non-ADHD people? Asking for a friend.

I...hm, layers to this one. First, thank you for offering a tone note because on the one hand, without it I definitely would have felt a bit hostile, but on the other hand it's very difficult to ask a question like this without sounding like you're trying to get a rise, when you really are just trying to get information. I'd struggle with that too. So thank you! I believe you are in earnest :)

I'm going to try to dig through this by levels rather than go through the question chronologically, that might cause the least amount of confusion and crosstalk. This is going to get long and quite rough and I’m going to address a lot of tender subjects including drug use, addiction, and self-esteem issues, so please read with care for yourselves. 

(I’ve tried to add in bolded topic headers so if you have ADHD and get bored of reading about one thing you can skip to the next!) 

So to start with -- and this isn’t particularly satisfying as an answer, but well...I know I have ADHD because I’ve been evaluated for it, twice now, and the doctors said I did. 

I fit a lot of the classic symptoms on the usual checklists, and while I’m smart enough to game those checklists, I tried to answer as honestly as I could. I wasn’t especially interested in getting Adderall for its intoxicant properties, since I’ve got plenty of access to other, arguably much easier to obtain intoxicants. I also, because I know myself to be someone who enjoys gaming tests for the game’s sake, made sure that at least one of the evaluations had cognitive tests that were harder to fuck with, like tangrams and memory tests and such. On the very top level, I know I’m medicating my ADHD because the tests say I have ADHD. 

But say we don’t trust the tests, or say I’m not as honest as I claim. On the next level down, but still quite near the surface, let's talk about "how do you know you're medicated and not high?" 

I've been in several kinds of altered state -- concussed, runner's high, stoned on weed or opiates, drunk -- and very occasionally I’ve been around people on coke or meth, though I’ve never done those myself. It's usually not difficult to tell that you are not functional on a normal level. It's difficult to describe how to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but for me being in an altered state like that is very evident. The first time I got a runner's high I was absolutely terrified because I knew something was wrong with me cognitively, but not why it had happened. When I woke up concussed, I knew immediately that something was wrong, but it was all I could do to get dressed and go across the street to a clinic, I was so fucked up. If you’re in an altered state and suddenly need to do something complicated, you're aware you would very much like not to be in that state anymore.

I've described Adderall as being like the most functional high you've ever had, but there are differences. If I've had, say, a weed edible, I feel calmer and happier and I'm also aware I'm stupid. I'm impaired and I can tell that. If I've taken an Adderall, I feel calmer and happier but not nearly to the same level, and there's no impairment to my intellect. Part of the calm is that if I think of something I need to do, I can immediately get up and do it, competently -- or I can decide not to. I control my impulses and actions. With street meth -- which I should note is much, much more potent than a low-dose Adderall -- compulsive behavior and lack of control are much more evident. Even if you are getting a lot done while on meth, you’re not necessarily in control of what, or how many times you have to do it to get it right. I'm told this is also often how people who don't have ADHD react to Adderall -- they’re not efficient as much as they are manic, particularly at stronger doses, which is why a) a good test of “do I have ADHD” is “How do I react to Adderall” and b) they start you on a super low dose.

When my psychiatrist and I meet to discuss how the medication is going, he asks me stuff like, do you feel you're in control of yourself? Are you having hallucinations? Do you find yourself craving a dose even when you know it would be detrimental? Do you feel your performance at work has improved, remained the same, or fallen? Do you find yourself able to focus but not able to control what you focus on?

On Adderall I do feel like I'm in control of myself, I do better work, and while I'm still learning to aim that focus, I am capable of doing so. I don't take it after 1pm because I know that'll fuck up my sleep schedule, and truthfully I don't want to. The one time I’ve taken Adderall after 3pm was because I was going to an art museum and I wanted to see how that would alter my experience, being able to focus more fully on the art and the person I was going with. And while I did have a great time, I wouldn’t make a habit of either taking the drug late in the day or taking it purely so I could have An Experience while on it. It’s fine, it’s fun, but it’s not so much fun I’m willing to mess with my sleep over it. 

I also have zero desire to drink (for the best, given alcohol and stimulants are a no-no) and a much decreased desire to get high. I don't need to self-medicate because I am actually medicated. I wasn't doing a shitload of self-medication before, but I was undoubtedly doing some, and more during the pandemic, and I can see how it would have become unhealthy had I continued. Do I still occasionally take an edible in the evening to unwind? Yes. Do I do it at the level I was doing it earlier this year? Fuck no. And I take half the amount I used to when I do, making sure I’m doing it well after any Adderall has worn off.

The question of "medicated or high" can still be a little difficult. What I said above is also what a lot of addicts say. They believe they are in control, they are better when they're on their intoxicant of choice, etc etc. "I can stop anytime I want" is like, the number one way to quietly tell someone that you, in fact, can't. Addiction's simplest definition is "loss of control over behavior" and addicts will do a lot to convince you that they haven't lost control over their behavior. (For more on this, Caustic Soda has a great episode about addiction in which Dr. Rob discusses how addiction and physical dependence differ.) All I can really say in response to this is that Adderall improves my quality of life in ways external to my emotional state -- yes, it helps emotionally, but that’s small potatoes compared to say, weed or opioids (opioids -- now there’s a drug I could get into trouble over) and weed’s way easier to get these days than Adderall. Weed does not, however, help me cook healthful meals and clean the bathroom. Adderall does.

So let's talk about the deepest part of this -- "How do you know you're not just lazy?"

Increasingly we are coming to an understanding of human behavior that informs us that laziness doesn't exist. What we think of as laziness can be caused by a number of factors: failure of executive function, fear of failure, exhaustion, avoidance of the unpleasant. Humans want to experience pleasure, it's a fairly strong primal drive, and we do not experience pleasure purely through inaction. If you should be doing something but aren't, that's not pleasurable, it’s stressful and boring. Lots of people will tell you “I fucking love to sleep, sleep is the best thing” and I’m sure they truly feel that way, but it’s not because they’re lazy, it’s because they have a sleep debt they’re banking against or paying back. There’s a lot of debate about laziness right now, but even as I refer to myself as one of the laziest people on the planet, I know laziness doesn’t exist in the way we conceive of it. When I call myself lazy, I’m using it as shorthand to say “I will find the most low-energy way to achieve something.” Because I am tired, because I have ADHD. (And also because I’m not twenty anymore.)

With exquisite timing, @thebibliosphere has very recently written an essay on this situation called “But You’re So Successful Without It”. Joy can’t take any of the medications available for ADHD, and the essay talks about what it feels like to have ADHD and to burn out because of it, which is where I was about to hit earlier this year. There is no way to call Joy lazy and absolutely no way to hear what she has to say and think that she would choose to go through what she has if she had an alternative. Nobody with any compassion would force her to. 

And here’s how I know I am not actually lazy: like Joy, I want to be doing the thing. If I need to do dishes and laundry so I’m not eating with my hands and wearing smelly clothing, but I’m not doing them, that’s not laziness. I know that my life is less pleasurable, indeed very unpleasant, if I don’t do those things. If I’m still incapable of doing them, it’s not because I Don’t Wanna. It’s because I am too tired, because I don’t feel like I can deal with unpleasant sensations on top of forcing myself to do something, or because my executive function isn’t functioning. If you aren’t doing something you should be doing, there’s usually a reason beyond “I’m just lazy” and it’s helpful, in breaking out of the mindset of “I’m a lazy (and therefore bad) person”, to ask yourself why. 

If there’s a reason you’re not doing it, even if that reason is simply “I’m so tired”, then you’re not lazy. You’re tired. If it’s because it’s unpleasant, then you’re not lazy, you’re avoiding pain. If you want to and just simply can’t, you’re dealing with a loss of executive function. 

Sometimes there are nonmedical workarounds. I wear gloves to do the dishes, I bought a cordless stick vac so my back wouldn’t hurt because I was constantly holding the vacuum cord in one hand, I blast podcasts when I’m doing something boring so my mind is elsewhere. I used to run at 3am because at any other time I was too fucking tired and I hate being out in public around strangers.

But, well, the best workaround for wonky executive function for me is Adderall. It’s not for everyone, it’s not an option for some, but for me it is one more tool -- admittedly a pretty spectacular one -- to manage a difficult life. 

All that said, the idea of being a Bad Person for Not Doing A Thing is a knot that it takes a long time to unpick. It is very freeing, and certainly less stressful, to both acknowledge that some things are beyond us, and receive help that brings them back into the realm of our ability to do. But it’s a process, and nobody can hustle anyone down that path faster than they are capable of going. So, all I can do is offer my personal experience. 

Even if this shit does kill me eventually, I’d rather have thirty more years where I am the person I’ve been in the last two months, than have fifty more years where I am the person I was in 2021. And even if I eventually have to go off it, what I’ve learned will help me not to hurt myself for something beyond my control. 

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

 If you really want, I will confirm in your direct messages who I am but when my psychiatrist put me on Adderall and Wellbutrin at the same time!!! Shit was dope. I could totally see Stede like fucking ending up on that drug cocktail. I had Zero appetite! I barely slept! I was hot and sexy and manic! Shit rocked! (I got pulled off it when I wasn’t losing enough weight fast enough to make the risk of heart issues worth it…)

Ok drug experience talk sure. So I just need you to clarify some things for me, babe. You weren't loosing weight fast enough? Your doctor put you on the closest thing you can get to meth without getting arrested for WEIGHT LOSS?

The medical malpractice.

Followup question are you the Stede adderall anon who messaged @ourflagmeansgayrights a bit ago? It's ok if you are I won't judge u

Follow up follow up, do you have ADHD, because if you don't I think someone might need to come get your doctor. If you do somebody still needs to come get your doctor but it's worse if you don't since ADHD gives you a bit of stimulant resistance.

You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me I'm just fascinated.

I'm ignoring the Stede headcanon not because I don't want to say something but because I said I would no longer be responding to meth blorbo anons for the sake of my blog

[sugarcult]

Kiwi Lyric Interpretation #1 (Literal Interpretation)

This is the second installation of my Kiwi Lyric/Video Analysis series. There will be three parts, the third being a metaphorical interpretation. For the sake of not clogging up your dash, the rest is under the cut.

She worked her way through a cheap pack of cigarettes / Hard liquor mixed with a bit of intellect

She probably comes from a rough part of town. Nobody these days really starts smoking just for the fuck of it unless they face abnormal societal pressure to do so. They’re cheap, so she probably works a lower class job and smokes them specifically to get a nicotine fix rather than for social reasons, at this point. Chain-smoking? Probably. She’s smart, strikingly so, and probably a little bit devious. Hard liquor. She doesn’t fuck around.

And all the boys, they were saying they were into it

Either the boys (in the band) or all the boys (in the immediate vicinity, I assume) are “into it” meaning they’re either into her or the lifestyle. Lifestyle doesn’t make much sense, considering they could have much better than that lifestyle with much better ways to cure the itch for a habit.

Such a pretty face on a pretty neck

Oh, look, it was her! Guess what, she’s hot. Even her neck is hot. Wow.

She’s driving me crazy, but I’m into it, but I’m into it

She fucks with his head, but it’s lit because she’s got that sex appeal.

I’m kinda into it

She might fuck with his head a little too much. But like… it’s aight. Apparently. Maybe. He knows better, but. She seems pretty fucking exciting, amiright?

It’s getting crazy

Wow, I love partying. Partying is great. Clubs, bitches, hoorah. But this girl isn’t a bitch, she’s in control, isn’t she? She’s the one make the decisions and setting the rules. “It’s getting crazy” implies a certain distance from the narrator, as if he’s not the one making things happen this way, as if the events are simply happening to him.

I think I’m losing it, I think I’m losing it

So it becomes too much, right? He doesn’t have a grasp on reality anymore, she fucks with his head too much and there are probably drugs involved and this entire existence he’s crafted in her company (and apparently maintained long after she’s left) is too overwhelming, and why is he even doing this anymore? Is this even still a thrill?

Oh, I think she said,

He’s hazy, when she comes back to him. He can barely remember the encounter, either from the shock or from the other things in his body inhibiting his senses and memory. He’s really gone off the rails, hasn’t he?

“I’m having your baby

Okay, that’s a pretty big bomb to drop on someone. I’m having your baby. She’s pregnant. It’s definitely his.

It’s none of your business

Alright, alright, this part is interesting. Because, well, it is his business, isn’t it? Especially considering it seems like she’s going to keep it. It’s arguable that not all men should have a right to make the decision whether or not a woman maintains a pregnancy. However, it’s hardly within a woman’s right to birth a child and deny the father even partial custody unless he has something really sinister going on that could endanger the child. Granted what we know about her, she doesn’t exactly seem like she’d be the best mother on the planet, so what is it about him that’s so terrible that her birthing his child is none of his business? It could be a “strong independent woman” thing, like she doesn’t want his help, doesn’t want him in her life. But that’s not the way the law works. Her life may not be his business, but this child certainly is, especially from a legal perspective.

I’m having your baby / It’s none of your, it’s none of your”

This reads like an echo to me, like he really was so out of it when she told him she was pregnant that the words ring in his head, distorted, on a loop.

It’s New York, baby, always jacked up

Okay, so she lives in New York City, where it’s always a party and the city never sleeps. “Always jacked up” certainly sounds like a reference to being high, definitely uppers. Think meth, Adderall/Ritalin, cocaine.

Holland Tunnel for a nose that’s always backed up

Holland Tunnel is a place in New York City that is notorious for drug use. The giant sniff in the background of the song right about here is a nod at cocaine. “For a nose that’s always backed up” is also very specifically about cocaine, and at that, about addiction. It’s not just something she does every now and then, for fun. She has a problem. Is this while she’s pregnant? Your guess is as good as mine.

When she’s alone, she goes home to a cactus

Cacti are generally easy to care for - water them a little bit every once in awhile. One doesn’t have to be home often at all to own cacti that don’t die - she could be gone for days at a time without them being damaged. Additionally, the inclusion of the cactus line goes to show that that is all she comes home to - no family, no pets, no roommate.

In a black dress / She’s such an actress, driving me crazy

So she’s still out in the world trying to seduce. At this point, she’s either not very far along in her pregnancy or she’s not gotten pregnant yet. Since she’s driving him crazy, I’d wager that this is about the way he sees her when he gets to know her a bit better after their initial meeting. “She’s such an actress” is a pretty heavy claim. He’s not even saying, “She’s lying about this one specific thing.” He’s stating that her entire existence is an act, and that she’s not at all who she pretends to be, whether it be that she lies about her name, what she does for a living, etc. or that she pretends to be unaffected by certain things and too cool to deal with others, etc.

Pre-chorus

Chorus

(*screams* La la la la)

The la la la’s seem to be a nod toward Woman, a song widely accepted, specifically in the Larry fandom, to be a declaration of rage and frustration toward his significant other’s beard(s). They don’t appear anywhere else in the album, and in his solo music, he has stayed far away from fillers such as “[I think it went] oh, oh, oh, oh, [I think it went] yeah, yeah, yeah” and any kind of na na na. Given the shriek in the background, it seems to be a touch whimsical, showing just how “crazy” everything has gotten, but I do think the link between the two songs is worth noting.

She sits beside me like a silhouette

She haunts him. Like his own shadow, she’s inescapable. “Like a silhouette” also seems a touch ominous, like maybe she’s not quite welcome anymore. Twice, the color black has been tied to her, which is, symbolically, typically negative. It’s symbolic of darkness, the unknown, sin, etc.

Hard candy dripping on me ‘til my feet are wet

This line has been extremely controversial. First and foremost, I do not condone the use of this line, and I am not apologizing for it. In terms of interpretation of the song, it seems quite obvious - to me - that the woman in this song is not a child. While it’s true that some children and teenagers live alone (as in the case of runaways or children whose parents have passed, who might have been “taken in” by older siblings and put up in their own apartment just to keep them out of their hair), there’s nothing else in this song suggesting she might be a child. Most children have a hard time getting ahold of cigarettes and hard liquor in this day and age unless they’re getting them from their parents, with whom it’s established she does not live (“comes home to a cactus”). Additionally, while not specifically stated, the nuance to this song so far implies that she’s a manipulator and that she’s the one who has been showing him the ropes. This is just not characteristic of a child or a teenager, even those with terrible upbringings and vast amounts of freedom, no matter how deep they are in the rough part of town. Additionally, if it was about a child - I don’t think it is, no matter how poor the choice of words may be - Harry and a team of writers are not stupid enough to self-incriminate in a highly-anticipated song, let alone one they’re angling to make a single. Nobody is going to stand on a platform and say, “Look at me! I’ve been doing despicable things with minors!” The “‘til my feet are wet” part of the line reeks of discomfort, like this thing is just happening, whatever it is, until it’s become a part of him that he never wanted in the first place. This can be gathered by the tone of the song and the context of what he’s undoubtedly feeling toward her at this point in the timeline.

And now she’s all over me

Why is she suddenly all over him? At this point, she has already told him that she’s pregnant with his child and that she doesn’t want him to have anything to do with it. What’s she all over him for? Money? Because it sounds almost predatory, like she’s trying to seduce him back.

It’s like I pay for it, it’s like I pay for it

“It’s like I pay for it” is double-sided. It’s like he’s paying for his actions - getting mixed up with her in the first place when his gut probably told him she was bad news? Additionally, my sister pointed out to me that, in conjunction with the line “And now she’s all over me,” it certainly reads like he’s likening her to a sex worker. Whether she is one or not, there’s a clear tie between her coming onto him sexual and the monetary meaning of the word “pay.” As she lives a less than stellar lifestyle heavy with illegal pastimes, it’s not unlikely that she was meant to be a prostitute in the first place. However, it makes little sense that someone in his position would ever cross paths with a prostitute, considering One Direction has always had consenting-age groupies they could have enlisted, did they feel the need. What’s interesting, additionally, is that he seems so not into it at this stage but it doesn’t appear that he really does push her away. He doesn’t want this anymore, but he’s consumed by her anyway. No matter why she’s coming onto him after she said she didn’t want him around, he’s letting it happen - or rather, it’s happening anyway. This line reads as almost impersonal, like he’s an observer in the events of his own life rather than a participant. This could be a coping mechanism to distance himself from the blame, or he could be accepting that she’ll always be a part of his life now, that he’ll never be rid of her, as it seems, at this point, he wants to be.

I’m gonna pay for this

This is not a light statement. It’s a full-circle moment of understanding that he is the one responsible for his actions and for everything that has happened to him since he met her. He didn’t have to become involved with her. He didn’t have to get her pregnant. He could have fought for custody of his child - honestly, do we even know if she’s still pregnant at this point? He’s accepting responsibility for what he’s done and saying, “This is what I get. Everything that follows this moment is something I deserve.”

Chorus

Something additional to consider is the fact that Harry has been quoted - true or not - on the idea that this song started as an inside joke. Him doing drugs with an addict prostitute and subsequently knocking her up and her saying she doesn’t want him around their child, only to reel him back in when he’s of use to her doesn’t sound like something particularly worth joking about. Actually, most of this sounds a little uncharacteristic of Harry in the first place, or at least the image we’re supposed to buy into. But you know, there is a little story this interpretation does remind me of, and that is going to be the basis of the third part of this analysis, the interpretation that can be gathered by way of metaphor. That one is coming soon.

Questions or comments are encouraged.

[relatablyinsane-blog]

Quadpolar Part 2!

Just want to let you know that i had instant bloggers remorse after that last post. Welp, I've stepped in it now.

So i totally forgot to mention that I'm adopted (see: Symptoms of ADHD; rushing, inventiveness), pretty important stuff. That means my nice, old fashioned, very old, worked in the post office their whole life parents are not, in fact my real parents. What they did was reach into a barrel of discarded babies and pull out a meth head kid. (Sorry to my biological mom reading this, we have to go in context for a bit). For the sake of sanity my adoptive mom will be Mom and my biological mom will be Mama, although that didn't happen til MUCH later.

I was adopted at birth and told as soon as i was old enough to understand, something i appreciate my adoptive parents for. They never kept secrets from me, made sure i knew what sex was right off the bat, my super paranoid mom even gave me a book CALLED "Child lures" (I'm not kidding this was literally a pedophile's handbook for a seven year old to read, look it up. Fucked up.) But as far as how true it all was, maybe I'll never know.

What I was told by my adoptive mom was that my biological mother was a drug addict with two other kids already (my sister was 4 and my brother was 2). My father, who she was with at the time, was also a drug addict. As the story goes (i still haven't dared to ask), while high on meth one day he beat my baby brother so bad that his ribs and arm were broken and he now has permanent neurological damage. Last i knew my brother had just gotten out of jail and was homeless, so his life hasn't really improved. That was about the time the state of Arkansas decided that my mother, pregnant with me at the time, would no longer have custody of her children and we would all be placed for adoption immediately. My sister and brother, who shared a father that was different from mine, were placed in an orphanage and my Mama chose my adoptive parents to take me from birth. I had no correspondence with her for decades and didn't want to- to me she was a vile, despicable woman like all the drug addicts in the world- but i had mever even met someone on drugs so what did I know? So, born in Arkansas, raised in New Jersey and then....

Fast forward to the good part: the part that sticks my crazy ass in the awful state of Maine. I liked vacationing there, but did i want to move there? Hell no! My one best friend in the world, the boy next door who I'd grown up with and was the same age as, was not coming with us. It was in the middle of nowhere, on the eve of my Fifth grade year. Having skipped a grade, I was only 9 at the time. I distinctly recall my first car ride to the rural beach town, during which I had a small mental break down and screamed "THEY'RE DRIVING TRACTORS ON THE ROAD!!!" because that was just <i>unheard of.</i> The only kid on the street, eventual cheer captain, straight A student and model child was my age but wanted nothing to do with the hyperactive menace next door who came over uninvited and played with the dogs. Yep, that was me. Forcing myself into the company of people who didn't want me around.

And thus I started school at the local K through 8. Wait. K through 8? How many kids went to this school????? Must be like TEN THOUSAND!! Back in Jersey there were 2-3 grade levels to a school, 30 kids to a class and 11 of each grade.That's over 600 kids in just two grades! (And i still had no friends. Sob. Seriously i must have been an awful kid.) You never had the same classmates twice, classes switched every grade. I couldn't imagine how FRIGGEN HUGE a school with every grade in it would be!!

What? What's that. There are HOW MANY kids in my class?

16. And how many in the grade? 16.

....so there's one fifth grade? And how many kids in the school??? ......a little over a hundred.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first i was pumped. I get to make friends and stay with them all the way till high school?! YES. Except this was when I remember my life becoming a living hell.

At this point i had been on at least three different medications for ADHD and none of them worked. Ritalin, Concerta, Stratera etc. Apparently i was still as annoying as ever because i remember being tormented relentlessly. Like, relentlessly. When there's only 16 kids in the class and you're the target, there's no escape. The teacher's let it happen. I was called hippopotamus. My lunch got spat in. I was mocked in front of the class. I was called stupid. Everyone would argue about having to sit next to me and i would just sit alone, or if someone did have to sit with me (usually the teacher assigned someone which made it worse) they would push my things off my desk or ask to copy my work once they realized i was almost as smart as the smartest girl in the class.

And i let them. I wanted SO fucking badly to be popular, to have a friend, fucking anything. It always blew up in my face. As soon as i was done being used for answers, a good place in line, a random good pick for a team or something, i was immediately shunned again. I buried myself in my extracurriculars (now it was swim team, violin and piano), joined band, chorus, jazz band, softball and soccer. I told my parents very little unless they were being dragged in for parent teacher conferences about how i was inattentive and always acting out. My grades began to slip because I was starting to learn about depression and constantly forgot to do my homework. My strict as hell parents were making me practice piano and violin for hours a day and my only solace was my meager 30 minutes of Nintendo 64 time per day. At one point my sixth grade teacher (stupid bitch, i hope you enjoy your cancer (sorry, y'all)) told my parents i wasn't as smart as everyone said and i should be held back because she thought i was autistic. I'm a lot of things, but not fucking autistic.

In the summer before seventh grade i finally got a reprieve in the form of my still longest best friend and the miracle drug Adderall. For those who don't know, Adderall is an amphetamine based ADHD medication and widely abused for it's stimulant properties. For anyone with ADHD however, it mellows the shit out of us and makes us super focused. Well, I'm a little allergic to it, so it actually makes me aggressive. On top of that, it makes your appetite nonexistent so, surprisingly, your favorite curvy girl Jay developed an eating disorder. Not on purpose at first. I just wasnt hungry so i didn't eat. I skipped breakfast, skipped lunch, ate the light dinner my parents prepared and went to bed. Hunger was nonexistent. Then one day i woke up and discovered myself at about 135 pounds, i tried on my first pair of short shorts out shopping with my mom. I'll never fucking forget looking in the mirror and saying out loud "Wow... I actually look great in these!" I didn't realize it was the Adderall at the time but I let it get worse. Whenever i did eat off my only light dinner schedule i would make myself throw up. I eventually got down to 117 pounds. My lowest weight. I stayed there for years. Once i had a state ID with me at that weight. Even at 12 i looked emaciated. It was revolting. I kept that ID for awhile to remind myself how awful i looked and to remind me that I look better curvy, but then i got fat and it made me sad. But i digress.

When i got back to school I suddenly gave not a single fuck about anyone picking on me. Adderall made my emotions <i>nonexistent</i>, but my temper started to boil. As a punching bag i was still pretty friendly and docile, like a big dumb dog that comes trotting back for another beating time and time again. Now i was silent and glowery. People took notice, and that's where my first real best friend came in. Let's call her Patti. I will always remember the day it really happened. I was the first person in line for recess, a great honor, but all my classmates were playing the "EW I DON'T WANT TO STAND NEXT TO HER" game. As per usual. I didn't really care. Thank god for drugs amirite? But then one voice rang out above the crowd of heckling...

I'm just kidding, it was more of a frustrated "seriously guys? Grow up." and then there was Patti. Someone who'd never joined in the terrorizing- i didn't and still don't blame anyone who didn't speak up. It would have made them a target too. But why? She was a cheerleader. I don't think anyone disliked her. She wasn't "popular" but she'd been going to this school since kindergarten and knew everyone. I guess I'll never really understand. But she was a lifesaver, even before the depression got really bad. She actually got to know me, the real me, she realized (and helped me realize too) that i was funny, and goofy and smart, and friendly. Eventually, because of her, some of the others started to come around too, but none of them were ever quite as close to me as she was. I thank god for this girl pretty regularly. Not as much as i should lately.

But there was still the matter of the bullies- and of my short fuse. I had my first kiss that year and a few short lived "boyfriends"- all from other schools of course, it would have been an unforgivable taboo to be interested in Jay. But that year was the year i put my foot down. As i mentioned earlier, Adderall had made me apathetic, but also very, very aggressive. The rage built slowly for several months until one fateful day in art class. I can't remember what i was doing to deserve this comment, i genuinely wish i could, but one of my usual enemies decided to say "No wonder your parents didn't want you!"

She was across the table from me and before i knew it i had launched myself across the table and had my hand up around her throat. No squeezing, just pressure. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head and the entire room fucking froze. It was like something out of a movie. That was the first time i ever rage cried. If i ever get angry enough that my eyes start to water, someone's gonna get hurt. We both got sent to the principal, maybe because the sensible art teacher recognized a normally good natured kid snapping. I looked dead into that principal's eyes and told him that I'd had enough. I was tired of being picked on every single day and having nothing done. Teachers watched and let it happen. Some fucking joined in. HE let it happen after i told him time and time again what was going on. I didnt get in trouble. The bullying receded a good amount that day. It didn't stop completely until almost the end of the year.

Through my mother's networking at church i had become friends with one of the most popular girls at a neighboring school- a gorgeous russian adopted girl with a thick accent and a very early onset sex drive. Yikes. In turn, she introduced me to her brother, who i began "dating" for several months. By "dating" i mean we held hands and made out under the bleachers at YMCA dances and he tried to get me to give him a blowjob at my 12th birthday party. Jesus yikes. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long but I'd suddenly earned a reputation of someone who was- dare i say it- close to popular?

Then there was the summer of 2004. The best few months of my life. Patti and i were inseperable, we rode our bikes around the town every day, snuck into the state park, ate ice cream at the little trailer shop nearby, stayed up all night then nodded off through church the next day. And we dreamed. Oh sweet jesus did we dream about getting as far away from our shitty little town as possible and never coming back. I had honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life i had a best friend. I had a birthday party at the end of the school year and a bunch of people came- people from my school!- we genuinely had an amazing time. The girls all slept over and for once, finally, i felt like i belonged.

Eighth grade was a breeze, if you skim over Adderall making me almost punch my mom in the face. It was the first and last time i ever raised a fist to my parents. But it had done it's job. I wasn't getting picked on, i gained a little more weight and filled out nicely, I excelled at academics, won awards in jazz band, joined the bangor youth symphony orchestra, and actually made real friends (none in my school save for patti really.)

So.... That's my life up until high school. That's when i met depression. 😘