#added periods to negate that... lmao

[sunshineram]

HI GUESS WHO MADE A REALLY QUICK REF SHEET FOR NO REASON

[ko2vo]

6 weeks post top surgery hooray

Physically healing has been super smooth. Emotionally, it’s been tolling. So below the read more, I’m gonna post some progress photos and kinda just vent about what healing has been like week by week. I’m hoping this will be informative to anyone researching top surgery and looking at personal accounts.

Overall, the ultimate end to this post is that I am really happy I finally got top surgery. I wish I had done it sooner, I have never been this comfortable existing day to day before. Healing is emotionally draining though and that doesn’t negate from my happiness with the end result.

Pre-op

Hopefully this doesn’t cause this post to get flagged lmao. Anyhow, this is my pasty ass going into surgery. My chest was probably like a B cup; it’s been over a decade since I’ve worn bras so that’s an estimate. I’ve been on testosterone for almost five years so I have some hair that admittedly I didn’t think about in terms of how that might complicate healing. More on that later.

Dysphoria: bad. Since age 15, I’ve been binding. Began with layering sports bras before going to compression vests (a brief period of being tempted by ace bandages but thankfully, advocacy was already being spread online about the permanent damage involved with unsafe binding). I avoided going places because I was super conscious of my chest, how it looked under my shirt, and just generally felt my breathing limited by binders so going out was tiring. Going on T helped a lot. By a year and a half, I was passing like 80% of the time. Still, chest surgery was always part of my transition goals.

SO IT HAPPENS

Double mastectomy with free nipple grafts on May 18th, 2022. My surgeon has 30 years of experience and the procedure only lasted about an hour, which was wild when most of the quotes I was seeing on line for how long it takes was 4-5 hours.

One week post-op:

For the first week, I couldn’t do much at all. I was wrapped up in bandages, suture tape, and a compression vest (that I eventually added some makeshift straps to with safety pins and fabric strips because it kept feeling like it was sliding down and tugging). My partner did a lot of cooking and picking things up for me and helping me change clothes because moving at all was both painful and exhausting. Being in pain and suddenly so dependent made me sad and irritable and it kinda just got worse over the week.

My nipples were just scabs at this point lmao. Honestly terrifying. My skin still had the blue marks from when the surgeon drew where he’d be making incisions. Bruising up to the armpits. My suture tape was removed at the end of the first week and oh my god, I almost passed out. The adhesive really glued to my skin and the tugging of getting it off wasn’t exactly painful because my chest was numb in a lot of places, but it was incredibly uncomfortable and my body’s reaction to the feeling was nausea and vertigo.

Two weeks post-op:

In healing terms, things were already looking a lot better. Nipples still black, bruising still there, but everything was going smooth. However, this was my worst week emotionally. My partner went back home and I was able to do more things on my own but I was super slow. Everything ached still. I was crying a lot out of frustration and, in a lot of ways, guilt. You kinda get into the headspace that this is one of the best things you can do for yourself as a trans person with chest dysphoria and that you should be happy about it no matter what. So non-LGBT people in my life would be asking how I was feeling, how healing was going, and I’d just go for the middle-ground “I’m tired” answer.

The second week after getting a major surgery really isn’t when you are gonna experience any sort of elation. Your body’s energy is being redirected to healing and things are still super sore. I had stopped taking my painkillers during the first week and mostly managed my pain through Advil.

Additionally, this was the first week I could shower as well. Feeling oily and sticky and sweaty takes another toll on your mental state. My first shower was actually just me sitting on the floor of my shower and scooping water from the tap onto me, I was terrified of fucking up my healing and barely able to move without pain anyways hah.

Three weeks post-op:

Looking better and better, even while my mental health was struggling. Part of that was also just being stuck at home and on medical leave, in addition to my prior emotional rockiness. This was the week I began to resume my remote job though, which helped stabilize me a little more with productive things to focus on. I did however realize that some of my chest hair had become ingrown, which was an unexpected development, so keep that in mind if you’ve been on T for as long as I have prior to getting top surgery.

I began scar care this week as well.

Four weeks post-op:

Oh, looking WAY better. I started back up at my physical workplace this week too. Incredibly tiring. At this point, I was allowed to lift up to 20lbs but I was still wearing my compression vest to protect my nipples lmao. That being said, my physical job is at a bookstore, moving books around. Accommodations were put in place but the first day back after having so many weeks off was exhausting. There’s a combination of the body is still healing as well as having not worked for a handful of weeks before surgery, which caused a big plummet in energy with even the smallest amount of exertion.

Mood wise, this week was a little better than the last week. I experienced my first real sense of excitement for the future, imagining what I would be able to do now that I wasn’t being weighed down by this part of my body that had always prevented me from doing everything I wanted to do. Still, that would contrast again my general emotional vulnerability. I was emotionally raw and on edge. I had also been watching too much political commentary and feeling a little Doomy with the current state of trans rights lmao (among other things)

Five weeks post-op:

Not a ton of difference but continuing to heal. Emotionally starting to stabilize, part of that being a return to routine and being able to do more and more physically. At this point, I didn’t have to wear my compression vest anymore, which was also wonderful. Officially binder free after 11 years of near daily binding.

I also! Began to wear clothes that weren’t just easy to get in and out of button downs and zip-ups and that felt good. Still avoiding lifting arms over my head so I don’t stretch my scars but having more range of motion and trying on clothing I had been avoiding because of how it felt wrong against my body was really exciting.

Six weeks post-op:

Six weeks post operation is the big milestone for top surgery. At this point, you generally don’t have any limitations on how much you can lift or activities you can do if the healing has gone smoothly. And my healing has been very smooth. My nipples are basically healed at this point with just minimal scabbing, I don’t have anymore pain either. My chest feels numb still and there are moments where I have twinges of pain but overall it all feels good.

Emotionally, I’m feeling incredibly good. Once again, I’m looking forward to the future; I feel like a weight holding me back has been removed and I can finally push forward. I’m thinking about finally continuing education and getting my Masters degree, I’m thinking about looking for a better job, I’m excited to go out and get involved in my community and volunteer and talk to people again. It’s very surreal for me, feeling this passive hopefulness.

So that’s where I’m at now. Still avoiding lifting my arms over my head to keep my scars from stretching much but this has been the beginning of my own white boy summer. Thank you if you read this far, I hope it was an interesting or informative read.