#ad memoria

[soluumis]

❛ and in sunlit fields, where the flowers grow tall, your sound fills the air, makes the earth feel so small. ❜

⋯ it's a musing and reflection i hesitated to write a lot. a major reason is because of how guiltriping, victim crying it sounds. but a lot is happening lately personally and there are a few things i want to get out of my chest as an attempt to finally qwell the anxiety clawing at me.

⋯ i already struggle to understand people. i had to work so hard to blend into society, to get a 'proper' job to pay my bills because i wasn't good enough to poursue studies and get a prestigious job like everyone expected me to. but it doesn't even matter. none of it matter, my efforts will always be ashes to people's eyes. and people's double standards are so destructive on me, they just shatter and tear me apart. i was raised with 'be the bigger person, be strong' standards. 'no one will help you, stop crying and get up'. i was always taught that if i don't raise my voice enough, if i'm too kind, i will be killed. but the double standards and confusion were already there as far as i can recall. of course a child left alone all day long at home would grow up to be responsible and autonomous at a early age, i suppose. but most adults around me didn't think that way. i could already see it, the disdain and disgust in their eyes the very rare times i was brave enough to hold their gazes without falling apart. 'you're just a child, you need an adult and you don't know what you're doing anyway'. be strong, but not too much; it'd be a shame to stain the ego of those older than you after all. raise your voice, but remain quiet when no one asks you. being questioned, being put against the wall and yet any words coming out of my mouth are seen as excuses and talk back.

i'm exhausted. people are exhausting. i don't know what to do, how to behave. nothing i do has the right effect. i tend to give up and let go at some point when i see the discussion leads nowhere. repeating is tiring, my words always end up as sharp blades and i don't want to keep debating something going straight into the wall either. 'you should be more stubborn', i'm already way too impulsive in my decisions. if i indulge in stubborness in top of everything, i'm doomed more than usual. i mellowed down drastically, and it's both reassuring and catastrophic as i used to —still do— destroy so much around me, but people always take more than given and it burries me. stubborness is a trait i learnt to erase as i was receiving immediate punishment for it. nowadays i mostly act that way for something i truly hold dear and even there the worry of being whiped for it lingers. people can't know about it, i need to remember it. but i selfishly wish people i hold dear would realize that difference in behavior. i barely look at someone straight in the eyes without crumbling. 'be strong, no one will help you' and yet i was beaten when i acted too strong for someone's own comfort. if i'm being stubborn then, it's because what is on the line means too much to me. more than i can let go.

i just can't understand what people expect of me, putting me against a wall but still i don't know what to say to please. i still struggle to draw a clear line between sympathy and manipulation; but my brain is stuck in a eternal 'yes / no' inferno cycle. as long as it doesn't stains others' egos. no one will help you, stop crying. if you don't speak louder they will tear you apart. what a joke. 'i've been lenient with you so you should comply now' 'stop making excuses' 'don't talk back to me'. i've been hearing those all my life and it took me years to realize why it still makes me so uncomfortable. why it's wrong. actually i never really managed to see why it was wrong. 'i was lenient' i was spared. people are kind enough to allow me so i should be more docile. 'you're making excuses' am i ? i don't know, the only thing people expect me to do is apologize and say yes. 'don't talk back to me you're being insolent' yet again being compelled, but i supposed that if i was being scolded then i was the issue. it must be. i always thought they were right. they are adults. they are older. i will always be undermined or mocked as the younger one, that's how it always worked. being told that these sentences were poison was worse than a whiplash because i have no ideas how to behave then. i had no ideas it was valid for me to be so uncomfortable with those words.

'be more stubborn' — i can't. i can't bear to be told to raise my voice and receive immediate punishment for it. 'i was lenient. be stubborn. i allowed you. you should be more docile. conceal your feelings. don't talk back. be louder. be quieter. make yourself the bigger person'. those words are clawing at me like that phantom heartache and i don't know how to get rid of them. i wish i could just be a perfect doll. trying again and again for a lifespan. the cycle always repeat itself anyway. but i'd rather ignore than calling someone out on the behavior, for my own comfort too. fueling or stirring a conflict is something that i fear the most, it claws at me worse than the anxiety coming along with it. starting a conflict in itself is past my boundaries. but my words always end up having the opposite effect. if i speak my feelings, i'm selfish. if i call out, i guiltrip. if i don't say anything, i'm dishonest. and i feel that everything i choose will always be false. there is no right answer for me to say. no matter what i make people sad, angry, uncomfy or hurt.

⋯ i wish to be braver. i miss being able to defend myself, what i truly hold dear without fear of being whiped and teared apart for it. it's actually bitter to see how much i'd rather hide than actually raise my voice like i used to before. scars remain i suppose but i wish i could ignore. my courage and strength grew into a cutting, painful knife only hurting me. and now it lays in ashes knowing they had long died. my courage has been shattered and demolished; i don't even know if trying to retrieve fragments of it will ever protect me. but if a new found resolve can finally free me from the chains struggling me for decades feeling like aeons. if i can stop fearing the whip, if i can finally unlearn the fight and flight behaviors and rest. maybe being a bit braver is something worth trying.

[deathshallbenomore]

.

[thesilmarillionblog]

𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭: 𝟓

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: You and Soldier Boy want to create a family and move on from everything, even the Vought, but you also know that he has to face Homelander one last time to keep his vow to Butcher. However, nothing turns out as you had hoped.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: Heavy angst, hurt, memory loss, Soldier Boy gets hurt, reader gets hurt, language

Word Count: 6025

A/N: English is not my first language.

This is inspired by the song 'Remembrance' by Memoria Futuri.༊

Soldier Boy promised to help you remember him, so you and him took your time in the room for some time more, and you thought twice about what to do next. The most powerful Supe would never lie to you about you having a relationship with him in the past; it would be absurd. He had no reason for lying to an ordinary person. Still, you were afraid he might use you to track Butcher and the others. Even so, you had to proceed with caution. 

You politely interrupted him to not ruin the mood by saying, “Don't get mad, but I still need to talk to Butcher first and ask him about... us and learn why he wouldn't tell me about you.”

His hands immediately left your face after you had said Butcher a hundred times, and you carried on speaking until he said something offensive: “I know you hate them, and it's them who betrayed you. At least that's what you're telling me, but I must listen to him as well. You have to realize that I'm confused and frightened, and he's the only person I can remember.”

He looked around the room, irritated that you remembered Butcher but not him, despite the fact that you shared a lot with him. You placed your hands on the hard, cold material on his chest, on the star symbol, to show him that you weren't too distant or that you weren't pushing him away from you straight away. You waited patiently for his response. Without a doubt, Ben was more significant and unique than Butcher and everyone else to him, and he tried not to get angry. 

With a cold voice and an irritated expression on his face, Soldier Boy remarked, “I can't believe you actually remember that pussy, but not me. I don't like how your brain works at that point.”

“I'm trying so hard to remember you, or at least a little something about you, but I'm just not successful. It's not that I forgot everything on purpose,” you whispered, feeling a little guilty about the idea that you might, your old self, actually love him if what he said was true. 

On the other hand, you had no feelings of love or affection for Soldier Boy. In reality, though, you were scared because he appeared to be unpredictable and cruel. Even if you lost all memory of him, wouldn't you still love him? When you were having memory loss, you had no idea how the brain functions, but that's what you felt at the time. 

Rapidly, “I know, I know,” Soldier Boy replied. “I'm not angry with you or putting blame on you. However, that son of a bitch needs to pay for what he did to you, including throwing your body against the table, hitting your head, and not telling you about me. He crossed the line.”

You added, “He must have a reason, and I really need to talk to him. I just need to hear it from him too,” feeling concerned at the way Soldier Boy discussed the past as though Butcher was the evil guy. Still, you didn't find anything you said to be slightly reasonable. Instead of keeping what happened to you a secret from you, he could have told you that both you and Soldier Boy had a past and given you the explanation you deserved. 

“Don't you trust me?” He was annoyed that you would continue to stand up for Butcher in the face of him. 

“To be honest, I don't trust you, but please don't get upset with me.” You whispered, “You know I have no memory about you, and I need you to understand me,” and he gave you a hurt look. You tried to smile at him and said, “But I think you'd already killed me the moment you found me in this room if I was a total stranger to you,” as guilt filled your heart. “That must mean something, right?”

With a surprised low laugh and a nod, Soldier Boy said, “You're a smartass, aren't you?”

Uncontrollably, his smile made you feel a little more at ease, and you exhaled a sigh of relief that he wasn't being aggressive anymore. 

“So, talking about trust issues,” he added, arching an eyebrow. “I guess you don't want to go back to them since there is a high possibility that I would follow you and find your precious pussy friends, right?”

“Yeah,” you said, not wanting to risk the lives of others or anything because Soldier Boy was too determined to kill them. “In this case, I think I better call Butcher and talk to him through the phone.”

He nodded, “Very well,” relieved that you were no longer so keen to return to the traitors. It was certainly because he had threatened to murder them, but which reason wasn't important at the time. When you were so confused and bewildered, he would never allow you to return to them. You were obviously brainwashed by Butcher. 

You looked around and said, “Okay, I'll call him, but you can get me out of here first?”  as he waited patiently for you to call them. “You know, there are other politicians and supes.”

“Yeah, it's better we get the fuck out of here now,” he said with irritation. “I hate discussing politics anyway. Personal matters should come first, right?” Soldier Boy said, giving you a wink and picking up the gun off the table and putting on his suit again.

You nodded to him and adjusted your jeans. You flushed under his focused gaze, remembering how he had torn off your panties simply to spill himself on moments before. It was as though his gaze were stripping you. As he found out about your memory loss and that you didn't require intimacy, you hoped he wouldn't try to touch you again. After all, you had given him what he desired from you—that is, protection from harm. Nothing more. 

As he observed you adjusting your t-shirt and hair while blushing, Soldier Boy added in a hard, serious voice, “By the way, we'll talk about your that hand job later.”

You simply looked at him with a flushed face, not answering him. 

“Let's just leave without paying any attention to this house. Stay cool.” He heard your heart race and raised an eyebrow as if to warn you, saying, “I'll be following you.”

One of the politicians commented, “Ah, he's finally back,” as he sipped his drink and waived his hand to Soldier Boy as you walked by his side during your exit from the room. 

“It's unfortunate that I have to leave now, gentleman. There is so much to do,” said Soldier Boy, putting a slight grin on his face and placing a small hand on your back. “Homelander will be available shortly, and he'll be the one to talk to you about details.”

You exhaled a relieved sigh, and politicians didn't even look at you as if you didn't exist. You would have assumed that they were already enjoying themselves without Soldier Boy because they were eating anything the waiters brought. 

“Homelander just told me that we would be talking to you too,” one of them remarked. “The public is still worried about you returning given what you did in New York. Things are difficult to restore, especially when it comes to trust.”

“Trust is overrated; it's simply built on perfect lies. Also, who the hell cares about the public? I thought you were more experienced and smarter than this. Through the media and a well-written dumb speech, it's simple to dominate their thoughts.” Soldier Boy spoke harshly, “You already know that they are unable to view the bigger picture properly in their own narrow worlds. What's important is to find who's responsible for planning assassination against the vice president, find those terrorists Butcher and his useless team, and prove that the CIA is behind all of the shit.”

“And,” Soldier Boy said in an authoritative tone as one of the politicians opened his mouth to speak. “It will be exposed that the CIA was responsible for my forty years of fucking torture in Russia. The public will discover the truth in this way, and they will once more support their one true supe. That's how we rescue our nation from the trash that's been dumped on it. Are we clear about this?”

After a brief glance around, you noticed that The Deep and Black Noir were eating and conversing as though they were starving. You thought about if it would be simple to shoot Noir without drawing notice, and you still had your gun with you. Well, you have to do this anyhow. It was likely that by keeping Soldier Boy a secret from you, Butcher had actually betrayed you. But it wasn't like you were prepared to abandon them and simply join Homelander and Soldier Boy on their own wicked team. Not fucking way.

You have to use the virus on a strong person quickly enough to start developing it. But first, you had to take care of your own issue. 

One of them said, “But..”

“No buts, no deals, no mercy,” Soldier Boy interrupted him right away. “Homelander will handle the majority of the problem on his own. With the exception of the CIA and their pawns, of course, neither Vought nor I want to see bloodshed, but it's best to bring things under control as soon as possible. Remember that President, Vought, and Homelander are trusted by the public. It's best if you give it your all. Consider this a recommendation or warning—I don't give a damn. However, be aware that the president will always back us. I mean, I'll be giving my best for my beloved nation, isn't that right?” Soldier Boy patted the politician's shoulder as he spoke, who was trying to get free of Soldier Boy's cruel and tight hold on him while clearing his throat nerveously.

“Yes, without a doubt, we are going to help you fix your public image. It is quite unfortunate that you are one of the victims of the CIA. It's simple to mislead the public about your intentions by the media,” remarked the other politician, who was casually sipping his whiskey and acting as though Soldier Boy hadn't just threatened them. “We are all in the same ship.”

Soldier Boy grinned broadly and added, “Vey good,” patting the politician's shoulder once more before he stepped back, clearly indicating he wasn't willing to spend time talking for hours. “I guess we are done here.”

Calling out to Black Noir and The Deep, Soldier Boy surveyed his surroundings. You stepped back and briefly locked eyes with Soldier Boy. When he saw that you were becoming anxious, his gaze softened, but he remained silent and did not move.

Squeezing Black Noir's shoulder firmly, Soldier Boy remarked, “The Deep and Black Noir, my old loyal friend from the Seven, will be discussing details.”

You were startled and alarmed when The Deep briefly locked eyes with you, but you ignored him and walked carefully toward the door, knowing that Soldier Boy was almost done with them. You were relieved that no one paid you any attention or questioned you. All of them showed interest in chatting with Soldier Boy.

“Are you okay?” whispered Soldier Boy as you waited for him outside, and you shivered when you felt his hand on your back.

You lied, “Yeah, sure,” and he instantly withdrew his hands.

It irritated him that you had become such a liar. “You must know that my Supe hearing can detect when you are lying to me,” he stated. You used to be different from this, and you always told him the truth about everything. particularly in regards to your current state of mind.

Even though you were the same person, it was difficult to accept that you had changed somewhat. But something has changed about you, and that's when Ben started to get upset. He had best to do anything needed to make you remember everything.

He shot you a cold look, and you said, “What will you do if I say, 'No, I'm not feeling good'?”

“At least I'd know you are being honest.”

With a quick smile, you said, “Well, remember that I don't even know you,” as if it didn't matter what you might have shared in the past.

Soldier Boy gave you a grumpy and unhappy look before gently pushing you to the car. After you left the supe-filled house, there was silence between you in the car.

Thinking about how he talked to the politicians, you felt uneasy and disturbed. You couldn't stop thinking about what kind of person you were and loved Soldier Boy if he was right about you being something months ago.

“What's happening in your head right now?” Soldier Boy finally asked you after giving you a look while you were driving. as if he were whispering.

This time, you said honestly, saying, “I was thinking about the way you talked to the politicians,” unwilling to ignore it and feeling a little more brave around him because he didn't appear to be a threat to you.

“And?”

You shifted in your seat, and you managed to ask, “Is it true that you are going to really team up with Homelander?” after giving it some thought.

Since he had a personal issue with Butcher and the others and was now filled with a desire for vengeance, you could try to understand him about them. However, it didn't seem proper to team up with the worst Supe alive and carry on doing out vile acts for evil people on behalf of evil people in positions of power. All it was was modern-day slavery.

“Are you having a problem with that?”

You shook in your seat at that moment, unable to speak for a long time due to the extreme coldness of his voice.

“Of course!” you replied, raising your voice slightly as if his question were the most ridiculous thing ever. Your former self could not possibly approve of the way he handled the Vought and Homelander crises. “What makes you even want to work with him? Even though he is biologically your son, he is still cruel and vile, just another Vought toy.”

“What do you expect me to do?” He raised his voice a bit as well, unhappy about how your voice sounded critical and icy toward him.

“Well, you don't have to allow people to take advantage of your strength simply because you hate Butcher and the others. If Butcher truly betrayed you like you told me, anyone could do so at any time; Homelander, politicians, and Vought included especially.”

“Even you?” he asked quietly, seemingly interested in finding out what you thought of him.

You were about to say yes, but you kept your mouth quiet out of fear for his reaction. Ben sighed, disturbed by your overly cautious and controlled acts next to him, as he realized that. It was as though you had truly vanished, as though he was speaking to someone else. He sensed then that even though you were with him at that same moment, by his side, he was still missing you. You were just with him physically. He realized then that he had to find you again and help you remember what you had. It nearly disturbed him to have that cautious, angry woman without memory by his side. He felt guilt filling his heart when he gave you an odd look. He had to be more understanding and soft toward you and not let his hatred for Butcher take over.

Soldier Boy simply said, “Things changed. You must choose a side no matter what time. Despite knowing that Homelander was actually my son, I had Butcher swear to murder Homelander. I was prepared to murder him until Butcher attacked me.”

You firmly stated, “He would never stop anyone from killing Homelander,” knowing full well that Butcher despised Homelander.

“It appears that you either don't recall everything about him or don't know everything about him. Do you even recall that Homelander's wife had a son?”

You exclaimed, “What?” in shock, thinking he was going to lie to you.

“Go ahead, give him a call, and ask about Ryan, his wife's son,” Soldier Boy added, flashing you a cunning smile.

“It seems like he didn't tell you.” Not surprised that Butcher was taking rather too long to tell you the truth about what actually took place, Soldier Boy asked with a slight smile. “And you still trust him, but not me.”

You kept calling Butcher every single time, and you said, “He's not answering my calls,” in a hurt voice. You had the option to call the others as well, but at that moment, all you wanted and needed was to talk to Butcher, and his lack of response was leading you to believe that Soldier Boy had been telling you the whole truth.

With a heavy heart, you placed your phone in your pocket and showed him how weak you were by holding yourself back from crying suddenly with your hands by your sides. When you were with Soldier Boy, you had no idea what kind of person he was, but you didn't want him to see you were that vulnerable, at least.

Butcher's betrayal was not quite as heavy as Kimiko's. When she knew you weren't even a Supe, why would she even leave you with Soldier Boy? If he had believed that you had deceived him as well, he might have hurt you. You believed that you had become friends with her. She must have known you for a very long period as well. The realization that she had been lying to you hit you even harder.

Confidently,  “Of course he won't answer,” remarked Soldier Boy. “He must be planning what to say to you and how to tell fresh lies to deceive you, leaving you even more confused.”

“He doesn't need to take any action in this case.” You said in a sour voice, “I don't think you're a good person at all after hearing you there and listening to the way you talked to those people.” You could not possibly just accept him collaborating with Homelander.

He gave you a tender glance and stated, “You love me,” without even trying to understand what you were trying to convey. “You, Butcher, and everyone else are aware of that. When you remember about us, we can have a proper conversation, alright?”

Ben was just bothered by the weight on his chest, which gave him the impression that you were a shapeshifter even if you weren't. Even though he was in love with you, he couldn't shake the unpleasant feeling that was eating him alive. It felt like he was trying reaching out to the real you that was hidden inside your body when he tried to speak with you. It was hard with your aloof,

nervous, and icy gaze. It was always easy to persuade him because of your understanding and kind tone, even when you two had previously had some disagreements. But now everything was different.

Saying with a sigh, “I don't know what kind of person I was before my memory loss, but I'm positive that I don't, and I can't be with you. I don't know if I'll be able to retrieve my memory, but if not, my feelings for you won't change. You are cruel.”

You were about to add something, but, “That's not what you really think of me,” he cut you off. “Let's simply spend the night somewhere tonight and talk to the greatest doctors who can help you tomorrow in the morning. We both need some rest. We'll get through this,” Soldier Boy assured you, quickly putting your hand in your lap and giving it a gentle squeeze to demonstrate his patience and sympathy.

With a strange expression on your face, you questioned, “What if I don't?” as your thumb lightly brushed across the surface of his hand. “What if I never remember anything about myself, you, or us despite all effort, even if the doctors and I do our best?”

“I gave you my promise,” he murmured, trying to show confidence and self-assurance as if there was no other option. “All you need is the best medical and psychological care possible. I'm everything you need. Not with Butcher's lies, nor any other person's. Me alone.”

You wanted to believe him at that vulnerable time, even though you could never be certain of the kind of person he genuinely was with you in the past. You wanted to think that he loved you more than anyone else. Looking at his powerful hands, which might have killed you in an instant, you held back your smile, seeing those hands were holding yours gently. You couldn't stop thinking about giving it a shot, but you didn't want to be too close or too far away from him. Given how simple it was for him to swap sides, he was obviously a cruel Supe, similar to Homelander, but perhaps you could change things.

“Since you were unfamiliar with me an hour earlier,” he added, changing the topic. “Why were you alone yourself on the third floor? You were there because Butcher assigned you another foolish and risky mission? Sending you there as if you were some prey?”

You lowered your gaze to the point where your hands touched and said, “You already know the answer,” as he looked at you.

“He's too fucking brilliant or too stupid to send you to me. I have to admit you had me distracted. If he had another plan in his stupid head by sending you to distract me, he is most likely successful.”

You said, “Butcher actually had no idea you were going to be there.”

“So you're saying I was lucky to find you, huh?” Soldier Boy winked at you and continued driving, barely checking at the road. You were afraid of him because of how careless he drove. He wouldn't die in a car crash, but you most certainly would. “I must confess that I was able to recognize your voice from the one noise you made up there. I suppose my supersensitive hearing was overly sensitive to you these days.”

He asked again, curious, when you failed to respond, “Why were you there? What would you do with that adorable little gun of yours that's still attached to your adorable pants?”

You instantly replied, straightening your t-shirt and widening your eyes. “Nothing!”

“Don't get excited; you can keep that useless gun with you, baby, if it will make you feel better,” he remarked simply, becoming annoyed when you immediately withdrew your hands from him.

“It's just a gun, nothing more.”

You attempted to sound calm and collected, but you were sweating and your heart was racing, so he could know you were lying to him again. Surprisingly, though, he remained silent and didn't make you tell him the details—for which you were grateful.

“Okay, keep that tiny, adorable toy if it makes you feel more secure. For the record, I can defend you more effectively than anyone, but I must warn you that hiring a Supe to keep you safe from criminals is incredibly pricey.”

This time, when he smirked and spoke to you in a lighthearted way, you couldn't stop giggling.

You laughed in response to his amusement, saying, “I need to think about this.”

“By the way, why in the world did you give me a hand job there while you really didn't even know who I was?”

Attempting to act cool, you crossed your arms over your chest when Soldier Boy brought up the intimate subject between you, drawing your hands to yourself and making a flushed face. This time, his tone was a little more stern and cold instead of playful.

“You made an attempt to take me there. It appeared to be an escape route.” You defended yourself. You were certain that your face blushed crimson.

“Fuck, baby,” he sighed in annoyance. “Of course I wouldn't force myself on you if you simply said 'no' and explained your situation to me.”

“How on earth could I be knowledgeable about that? I was frightened when a supe tried to take me on a table since you seemed so determined to take anything you wanted there.” You raised your voice to try to win him over. You weren't even brave enough to act reasonably there.

“What if someone else was attempting to... and it wasn't me? Fuck. I'd rather not even think about it. Now that you are sitting in your seat without your underwear, look what happened. I must admit, though, that I really enjoyed your little handiwork.”

Soldier Boy must have seen your heart racing uncontrollably again, because he said these things to either make you feel shy or excited.

You asked abruptly, hoping to annoy him with a hint of harshness mixed with curiosity, “And how on earth you couldn't tell I was lying if your supe hearing is too sensitive when I said I missed you too, because I was definitely lying?”

He added in a sour voice, “I was too fucking horny to focus if your heart beat was racing because of excitement or lying, sweetheart,” dismissing the fact that you had lied to him about missing him and ignoring the burise on his pride. “Who knows? Maybe both.”

You felt guilty as you noticed the lighthearted tone in his voice fade into a sort of sorrowful glimpse. He was aware that you were going through memory loss and that you weren't truly missing him or anything. It wasn't your fault, of course, but since he was your former personality's boyfriend and not your own, you wanted to cheer him up right now even if you didn't know how. It was hard to believe that you were the same real person as before, but you had the impression that your memories of him were more important to him than you were.

You whispered to him, observing his expression. “But if I were the same person as I was months before, I'm certain I would miss you. Of course, that is, if we were a real thing.”

When Soldier Boy saw that you were trying your hardest to cheer him up, he lit up with you a tiny smile to let you know he appreciated it. Your genuine behavior, sensitivity, and compassion were still present, at least.

He said, “It's okay,” with such firmness that you remained silent until you got there. “I just want you to be honest with me.”

You were unaware that he had been holding your hand the entire time.

When you realized that they had decided to stay in the house that Butcher had brought you to a few days prior, you asked in a hushed voice, “Why?” in shock. It was the home you most likely spent several months living in.

You knew that Butcher had told you to leave when he found out Soldier Boy was free since Soldier Boy had also must have lived in this house for a while.

“I promised to help you to recover.” He whispered, “We have to start somewhere,” and quietly closed the door while urging you inside. “This seems like a good place to start. It is too full with memories for us.”

You said, “Butcher told us to leave this home as soon as he knew you were free,” obviously not wanting to reveal too much.

“I thought so,” Soldier Boy agreed, unable to stop thinking about Butcher's cunning ways and how he did everything in his power to keep you away from him, and he angrily remarked, “He balls are not big enough to confront me.” You could never be taken from him. No fucking way.

You inquired, “Do we have good memories in here?” not knowing if he would be completely honest with you.

“Both good and bad. It took us a while to really start a relationship,” Ben said, remembering the unpleasant moments when he was being mean to you, and you found it simple to tell him how you felt, but he wasn't as ready as you were to do so. “Good memories were also there, though. In the last three or two months, we managed to work it out. It wasn't like we were toxic or something. Mostly.”

You only mumbled, “Hmm,” as you tried to imagine your relationship in your thoughts.

You followed upstairs without saying anything more, feeling the need to return to the room where you were assured it wasn't important. You wondered if your feelings would change if you spent time with Soldier Boy this time.

With a sigh of relief, Ben followed you there and watched you go to the room where he had spent months. He experienced discomfort and agony at the same time since you could remember the room where he stayed even though you were completely unaware of it.

Even if you forgot about him and everything you had, a piece of your love was still there, clinging to him and refusing to let go. Your body had its own thoughts about him.

“What did you choose this room?” As you closed the door behind you, Soldier Boy asked softly, hoping you would recall one small detail about him.

The emptiness and silence in the room created the same heavy sensation that was tearing at your spirit and couldn't even be named. It was a heavy feeling that filled your heart with aching thoughts. You knew it was important even if you weren't sure if it was the nothingness or the silence that affected you that hard.

“I found myself in this room when Butcher brought me from the hospital to this house.” You mumbled, “I don't even know why,” unable to contain your own sadness.

“And?” Soldier Boy asked, forcing himself to suppress a proud smile at your remarks.

“I'm not sure why, but I had a very depressing, possibly saddened feeling that I can't quite describe. All I can recall is that that evening, I cried all as I fell to sleep.”

Ben kept coming toward you, hugging you tightly from behind and kissing the back of your head firmly, all with a heavy heart. Your hands brushed his rough ones on your lower abdomen, but you avoided pushing him since you believed that being near to him would help your brain function. Nothing compared to how close and intense it was.

Saying in a rough, whispery voice, “This is the room I've been in for months,” he said. “You actually spent a lot of time in this room with me; we had many wonderful moments together. Your body must have a memory of its own.”

“I really tried hard, but...” you began to defend yourself, not sure for what, but he interrupted you right away with understanding.

“I know, I know.”

With a shy glance, you were able to save yourself from Soldier Boy just after you had a moment of silence. You clearly needed rest after such a difficult and stressful day.

You said, hoping to change the conversation and find out what his intentions were about tonight: “Will we stay the night here? I should mention that you have nothing to wear. The entire wardrobe appears to have been emptied. But I'll search Kimiko's room for something for myself.”

“Yes, we definitely will. Also, that's not a big deal,” he muttered as he hurriedly began to remove the cloth covering his chest and place it on the table.

Thoughts raced through your head as you held your breath for a moment. It appeared that a discussion regarding the best course of action was required.

With the knowledge that Soldier Boy was determined about sleeping by your side, you changed your clothes after finding clean underwear in Kimiko's room. God, you thought he might try to fuck you again after you had given him a handjob two hours earlier. This time, you believed that handwork would not be sufficient. You needed to speak with him in a serious tone.

You had no idea how your sex life with him would be, and you didn't think he would force you or anything, but he was still a supe, your so-called ex-lover or whatever. The situation was simply awkward. You had to let him know that you were different now. When you walked into the room, he was examining every inch of you while wearing a sly smirk.

With a trembling voice, you stated, “Well, I guess I need to be clear about something.” You really tried to sound tough and confident. It was becoming difficult to maintain your composure, though, under his playful gaze as he removed his jeans and boots. “I must tell you that I don't want any sexual stuff because, as you know, I can't recall a single thing about us. Until I regain my memories, you are, at the very least, a complete stranger to me.”

Ben grunted in exhaustion as he lay on the bed, rolling his eyes and holding back a smile in response to your explanation. You watched him nervously, waiting for an answer.

“Actually, I had no intention to,” he remarked honestly. “Of course, I still love you and want to give you a good fuck very much, we both need that, but you know, you kind of feel like a different person now. I suppose we need to go through this quickly so you will remember us. When things get back to normal in our relationship, that's when I'll give you a big, deep fuck, so you better heal quickly.”

His lighthearted remarks about how you were like someone else to him didn't make you feel better—in fact, they kind of broke your heart—but at least he was serious about staying away from you, which was good. What you shared in the room hours ago was already too much.

You turned your back on him and felt his naked upper body moving closer to yours instantly, but you remained motionless. You simply awaited his next action.

Once more, the hands of Soldier Boy stroked your lower abdomen, drawing you even closer to him and pressing your back against his bare and warm chest. You felt his power on your back. Uncontrollably, your hand contacted his rough one to see whether he would react to you and to feel something toward him. Although they were warm, rough, and understanding, surprisingly, his hands were not forceful.

He mumbled to your ear, wanting you to make yourself remember what you had. “We used to spend most of our time here, lying like this for months, for many nights,” he said.

Your hands lingered on his hands and said nothing, and he went on, “I miss you so much.” His tone was achingly sharp.

The way he'd said it, with his firm voice as though he was talking to someone else, was supposed to make you feel better, but it didn't. You wondered if he would still love and care for you, even if you felt like a stranger to him and you couldn't remember anything about him. With that kind of personality, wouldn't he love you? He had loved and missed the other side of you that he had been missing.

There was no more space between you two as he held you near to him; your back felt the warmth of his bare, powerful and warm chest, but you were agonizingly too distant to stay close and way too cold.

Next Chapter

⋆⋅☆⋆☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋆☆⋅⋆

A/N: Comments are very much appreciated. They keep me going. ^.^

Taglist: @smexydilflover @deebris @coolrobloxkid28 @endrfairy @libby99hb @raynamorono23 @cwutesygrl @ladysparkles78 @seokjinluvbot      @deangirl96 @whendiditendalthoughenjoyment @mostlymarvelgirl @dilfsandmartinis @deans-spinster-witch    @mayafatimakhan @riah1606   @unleashthelion @cnmcgee @ahoytothestorm @hells-dragon @bitchykittenconnoisseur @anundyingfidelity @ladykitana90 @xmariakx @demodemo909 @placeboetkisi @sukunassfinger @startingstar

@peachhiz @yinmaggiorebass @ilovecooperhoward

[orotrasparente]

esco da lavoro per pranzo, ci sono i marmocchi supremi che escono da scuola, uno di questi alto letteralmente un metro e mezzo tacco, senza un accenno di peluria, che avrà al massimo 11 anni all’improvviso esclama davanti ad altri ragazzini: “a questa glielo metterei in culo”

io a quell’età probabilmente, se la memoria non mi inganna, stavo giocando a pokémon platino sul nintendo😄😄👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

[writing-reference-redux]

I felt like sharing my collection of Latin phrases that may make good fanfic or fanart titles or inspiration. Some of the translations may be off, so you might want to double-check them before use. Also, I used capitalization liberally so you might also want to check where capitalization is actually indicated.

Ab Intra (From Within)

Acta Est Fabula (The play has been performed)

Acta Sancti ___ (The Deeds of Saint ___)

Ad Undas (to the waves / to hell)

Advocatus Diaboli (Devil's advocate)

Aegri Somnia (a sick man's dreams / troubled dreams)

Alea Iacta Est (the die has been cast / point of no return)

Apologia Pro Vita Sua (defense of one's life)

Caetera Desunt (the rest is missing)

Cedere Nescio (I know not how to yield)

Damnatio Memoriae (damnation of memory / denying someone ever lived)

De Nobis Fabula Narratur (their story is our story)

Decessit Vita Patris (died before their father)

Diem Perdidi (I have lost the day)

Dies Tenebrosa Sicut Nox (a day as dark as night)

Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim (some day this pain will be useful to you)

Dulce Est Desipere In Loco (It is sweet on occasion to play the fool)

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus (while we live, let us live)

Dux Bellorum (war leader)

Ex Umbra In Solem (from the shadow into the light)

Festina Lente (hurry slowly)

Fortis Cadere, Cedere Non Potest (the brave may fall, but can not yield)

Fui Quod Es, Eris Quod Sum (I once was what you are, you will be what I am)

Graviora Manent (heavier things remain / the worst is yet to come)

Haec Olim Meminisse Iuvabit (one day, this will be pleasing to remember)

Hic Mortui Vivunt (here the dead speak)

Hinc Illae Lacrimae (hence those tears)

Hodie Mihi, Cras Tibi (Today it's me, tomorrow it will be you - of death)

In Ictu Oculi (in the blink of an eye)

In Somnis Veritas (in dreams there is truth)

Inter Spem Et Metum (between hope and fear)

Lapsus Memoriae (slip of memory)

Luctor, Non Mergor (I struggle, but am not overwhelmed)

Lux Ex Tenebris (light from darkness)

Media Vita In Morte Sumus (In the midst of our lives we die)

Memento Mori (remember that you will die)

Memento Vivere (remember to live)

Morior Invictus (I die unvanquished / death before defeat)

Mundus Senescit (the world grows old)

Nemini Parco (I spare no one - death)

Nitimur In Vetitum (we strive for the forbidden)

Non Ducor, Duco (I am not led; I lead)

Non Omnis Moriar (I shall not all die / part of me will survive beyond death)

Nunc Scio Quid Sit Amor (now I know what love is)

Oderint Dum Metuant (let them hate, so long as they fear)

Omnia Mutantur (everything changes)

Onus Probandi (burden of proof)

Opera Posthuma (posthumous works)

Ophidia In Herba (a snake in the grass)

Pax Aeterna (eternal peace - a common epitaph)

Primum Non Nocere (first do no harm)

Pulvis Et Umbra Sumus (we are dust and shadow)

Quis Leget Haec? (who will read this?)

Quod Periit, Periit (what Is gone is gone)

Res, Non Verba (deeds, not words)

Respice Finem (consider the end)

Scientia Et Sapientia (knowledge and wisdom)

Seculo Seculorum (forever and ever)

Sed Terrae Graviora Manent (but on earth, worse things await)

Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum (if you want peace, prepare for war)

Sic Infit (so it begins)

Sic Vita Est (such is life)

Silentium Est Aureum (silence is golden)

Sine Nomine (without a name / author unknown)

Sola Dosis Facit Venemum (the dose makes the poison)

Solvitur Ambulando (it is solved by walking / simple tests find solutions)

Stamus Contra Malum (we stand against evil)

Succisa Virescit (cut down, we grow back stronger)

Sum Quod Eris (I am what you will be - of death)

Summum Bonum (the supreme good)

Summum Malum (the supreme evil)

Sunt Lacrimae Rerum (there are tears for things)

Sunt Omnes Unum (they are all one)

Tabula Rasa (blank slate)

Transire Benefaciendo (to travel along while doing good)

Tu Fui Ego Eris (I was you; you will be me - of death)

Ubi Amor, Ibi Dolor (where there is love, there is pain)

Ultima Forsan (perhaps the last / sundial quote "perhaps your last hour")

Usque Ad Finem (until the end / fight to the death)

Vacate Et Scire (Be still and know)

Vi Et Animo (with heart and soul)

Victoria Aut Mors (victory or death)

Vincit Qui Patitur (he conquers who endures)

Vita Ante Acta (a life done before - of reincarnation)

Vivere Militare Est (to live is to fight)

Vox Clamantis In Deserto (the voice of one crying in the wilderness)

There are also some longer ones that may not make good titles because of their length, but are still worth inclusion:

Aut Simul Stabunt Aut Simul Cadent (they will either stand together or fall together)

Flectere Si Nequeo Superos, Acheronta Movebo (if I can not reach Heaven I will raise Hell)

Forsan Et Haec Olim Meminisse Iuvabit (perhaps even these things will be good to remember one day)

Igitur Qui Desiderat Pacem, Praeparet Bellum (therefore whoever desires peace, let him prepare for war)

In Regione Caecorum Rex Est Luscus (in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king)

Minus Malum Toleratur Ut Maius Tollat (choose the lesser evil so a greater evil may be averted)

Quem Deus Vult Perdere, Dementat Prius (whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad)

Ubi Sunt, Qui Ante Nos Fuerunt? (Where are they, those who have gone before us?)

Virtus Junxit Mors Non Separabit (that which virtue unites, let not death separate)

[lionofchaeronea]

Therefore, we must cut away two things--fear of the future and memory of past unpleasantness; the latter no longer pertains to me, the former not yet. Circumcidenda ergo duo sunt, et futuri timor et veteris incommodi memoria; hoc ad me iam non pertinet, illud nondum. --Seneca the Younger, Epistles 78.14

[ilpianistasultetto]

Ogni volta che c'e' un' alluvione, si fa la conta dei danni, 10-100-1000 milioni.. Case, cose, vestiti, scarpe, mobili, elettrodomestici, automobili, moto e biciclette... Quasi nessuno pensa ad altri danni. Quelli che non puoi vedere, non puoi toccare, quelli immateriali, quelli che fanno piegare le gambe mettendo tantissime persone veramente in ginocchio, come successo al sig. Enzo Pierini, di Bologna. Gia'.. per tanti sono solo oggetti ma per alcuni e' come sbattere la testa e perdere la memoria di botto. L'acqua che s'infiltra, il fango infame che seppellisce. Tu guardi e perdi le forze, in un attimo, invecchi. La sensazione di essere nato poco prima, nato gia' vecchio perche' hai perso tutti i tuoi ricordi, perche' ti ritrovi solo senza le "tue note", quelle note conservate anno dopo anno, perla dopo perla.. che tragedia perdere le note. Come stare dentro un corpo senza piu' il cuore..

@ilpianistasultetto

[falcemartello]

Conservare dati sul computer di casa o su unità di memoria portatili senza crittografia espone a diversi rischi e non è una buona prassi per un cittadino dell'Era Digitale.

Ci sono diversi motivi per cifrare le unità di memoria:

Protezione in caso di furti o perdite: la crittografia dell’unità di memoria garantisce che, anche se il tuo notebook ti viene rubato o lo perdi in viaggio, i dati rimangono inaccessibili.

Protezione in caso di sequestro e ispezione: la crittografia del disco è anche utile in caso di sequestro o ispezione del dispositivo da parte delle autorità, ad esempio in dogana.

Riparazione Hardware: in caso di malfunzionamenti hardware e invio del computer in assistenza la cifratura dell’unità impedisce l’accesso ai dati ai tecnici (l’alternativa è rimuovere le unità di memoria prima di inviarlo in assistenza).

Smaltimento sicuro: la crittografia può essere un mezzo in più per rendere i dati inaccessibili in caso di smaltimento del supporto di memoria (sempre preferibile la distruzione fisica).

È anche molto utile quando si viaggia, ma occorre fare attenzione alle leggi sulle "mandatory key disclosure".

Matte Galt

[memoriesofkamihama]

Ren Isuzu was the very first 4 star magical girl to be added to magia record post launch along with the first tower event "A Diary to Write With You"

But did you know that she was accidentally released early?

Before her event started, players reported being able to summon her, which caused the servers to go into emergency maintenance with f4samurai having to rollback the server, undoing everyone's rolls that gave them ren early.

as (what i believe was) compensation, During her event you could buy 1 Ren Isuzu destiny gem in mitama's shop for 250 Notebooks, Making it the one of the only times you could get a 4 star gacha only magical girl's destiny gem from an event.

(the other time being kokoro, as i am told)

So many including myself unlocked our first memoria slot for her for free.

[soluumis]

one thing i like about tumblr is this seemingly absence of numbers. you don't post to please people, you don't wish to attract an audience. i long tried to grieve over my art career. i never really amounted to anything in life, art is no different. for all these years i've been picking up a pen and tried to improve something endlessly wobbly, for everything to end into oblivion. it was choking, to see how little my work was worth after all this time. it's making me emotional in a way. it's selfish to believe you can get as much recognition as the amount of efforts you poured into an illustration. you can't win against the algorithm. nor against people who think you aren't good enough. and yet, selfishly it makes me bitter. i used to post so much, hoping to get a bit of perception over something that was worthless.

me, the youngest daughter of a prestigious family full of talented people who aimed high in society and were sucessful. i was already labeled as the black sheep for being the 'artistic soul' among all these hardworking people. being autistic among other diagnosis never helped. i'm not good enough, just a broken person last in the row of talented children in my family. i'm the quiet one, the melancholic one, the artistic one, the sick one. my endeavors never showed results so everyone just left me to it, that one child staying in her room during family meetings because 'she prefers solitude and art', and she can't even socialize anyway. i was labeled as the black sheep early on. i used to draw on every sheet of paper, to tie my hair with a pen so i could use it whenever inspiration struck. i used to play music, to tinker with every bits of string i found on a wood vessel, to daydream by the shores of a sea of notes. i used to sing, humming any sentences my brain formed, to accompany that person who was so dear to me and who i tragically lost. i used to write, trying to put on paper the shocking echoes of my nightmare, the flower fields from my dreams, taking out messages from the veins.

i was the artistic soul in this successful family and yet my art never amounted to anything. i never became a respected artist, nor someone anyone would look up at. no one can point a newly posted art and say 'oh it's solis !'. no matter the tremendous amount of work i put into art i just had to admit that it's worthless and that i'm just not made for that. but what am i made for then i wonder. ' i'm an artist ' this was something comforting at least. i was something, i could do something. but it's just ashed dreams. it's disheartening, but i more or less made peace with that fact, i'm not an artist. even if a part of me selfishly hope to be perceived. somehow i made peace with it i think.

[anchesetuttinoino]

IL BUCO DELLA MEMORIA

Sono passati esattamente 40 anni da quell'anno terribile profetizzato da Orwell nel suo romanzo più famoso.

Per fortuna non è successo nulla di quanto visionariamente ipotizzato, #èandatotuttobene e sembra che prossimamente andrà pure a meraviglia.

O no?

Postiamo giusto qualche nota in commemorazione di 1984

Il buco della memoria è un elemento immaginario presente nel romanzo 1984 di George Orwell; è un meccanismo ideato per alterare o far sparire fotografie, trascrizioni e documenti scomodi o imbarazzanti l'intento di cancellarne definitivamente la memoria. Oltre a eliminare documenti scomodi, il "Ministero della Verità" del Partito crea falsi documenti al fine di riscrivere la storia per renderla conforme ai frequenti cambiamenti della propaganda politica.

il "buco della memoria" è una fessura collegata a uno scivolo che conduce a un inceneritore dove i membri del partito depositano i documenti politicamente scomodi che devono essere distrutti:

«Nelle pareti del cubicolo si aprivano tre orifizi: a destra del parlascrivi, un piccolo tubo pneumatico per i messaggi scritti, a sinistra un tubo più grande per i giornali, e al centro, ad agevole portata del braccio di Winston, un'ampia feritoia oblunga protetta da una grata metallica. Quest'ultima serviva a eliminare la carta straccia. Nell'intero edificio vi erano migliaia, anzi decine di migliaia di feritoie simili, ubicate non solo nelle singole stanze, ma anche nei corridoi, non troppo distanti l'una dall'altra. Per chissà quale motivo le avevano soprannominate "buchi della memoria". Quando qualcuno sapeva che un certo documento doveva essere distrutto, oppure vedeva per terra un pezzo di carta in tutta evidenza gettato via, automaticamente sollevava il coperchio del buco della memoria più vicino e ve lo lasciava cadere dentro, dove un vortice di aria calda l'avrebbe trasportato fin nelle enormi fornaci nascoste da qualche parte nei recessi del fabbricato»

Il protagonista, Winston Smith, che lavora presso il "Ministero della Verità", è uno degli incaricati al ruolo di revisione dei vecchi articoli di giornale, col compito di adattarli agli interessi di propaganda del governo. Per esempio, a Smith può essere chiesto di modificare retroattivamente una dichiarazione circa il razionamento del cibo in modo da riflettere le nuove politiche.

Che scenario orribile nato dalla fantasia distopica dell'ingenuo Orwell: come avrebbe potuto immaginare che invece di quel complesso meccanismo di incenerimento, oggi sarebbe bastato UN SEMPLICE CLICK? 😎

Segui ➡️ 🌐  t.me/ArsenaleKappa 🅰️ 💥💥

ㅤ

[fridagentileschi]

No, niente Wozniak o Steve Jobs, qui si parla dei VERI inventori del Personal Computer, qui si parla di una storia Italiana che cambiò il mondo.

Ivrea 1962, Il genio visionario Adriano OLIVETTI è già morto e la successione dell'azienda è affidata a suo figlio Roberto.

C'è però un ingegnere di nome Pier Giorgio Perotto, che ha un’idea geniale, degna del grande Adriano: costruire una macchina per elaborare dati che offra autonomia funzionale e che quindi abbia dimensioni ridotte per stare in ogni ufficio, programmabile, dotata di memoria, flessibile e semplice da usare.

Perotto crea un team di giovani Ingegneri: Giovanni De Sandre, Gastone Garziera, Giancarlo Toppiche, che lavora su questo progetto "IMPOSSIBILE" per l'epoca, considerando che sino ad allora i Computer erano grandi come stanze ed utilizzabili solo da esperti programmatori.

Dopo un anno dal lancio del progetto, il TEAM riesce a sviluppare un primo rudimentale prototipo rinominato "Perottina" ma purtroppo Olivetti, sprofonda in una crisi finanziaria profondissima, entrano nuovi soci e non capendo le potenzialità enormi che aveva il reparto Elettronico dell'azienda lo svendono all'americana General Electric con tutti i brevetti, al motto:

"Nessuna azienda Europea può entrare nel mercato dell'elettronica, non fa per noi, non siamo in grando, per quello ci sono gli americani"

Perotto però riesce a sottrarsi e sottrarre il suo TEAM al trasferimento, e prosegue, dimenticato dal resto dell'azienda che oramai si occupava d'altro, nel suo progetto visionario facendo progettare il Design della Macchina a Mario Bellini (designer famoso dell'epoca)

1965 New York. Il prototipo definitivo della Programma 101 è finalmente pronto ed in occasione del BEMA (salone delle macchine per l’automazione dell’ufficio), la fiera piu' importante dell'epoca, viene presentata al grande pubblico.

Il PRIMO PC ebbe un successo pazzesco, stavolta a giudicarlo non erano capi d'azienda (che poco capivano di elettronica) ma persone comuni, tutti si chiedevano dove fosse il cavo che collegasse quella bellissima macchina ad un "vero computer", nessuno poteva credere che era quello il computer stesso.

Il costo passò da 100000 dollari dell'epoca di un computer tradizionale a poco più di 3200 dollari, tutti ne volevano uno, anche la NASA ne acquistò diversi esemplari.

Purtroppo però In Olivetti, a parte il gruppetto di Perotto, non ci sono più i tecnici e ingegneri elettronici indispensabili sia per progettare ulteriori sviluppi del prodotto, sia per organizzare una rete commerciale in grado di vendere un prodotto ben diverso dalle macchine per scrivere o da calcolo.

L’Olivetti cerca di richiamare tecnici e ingegneri che sono finiti alla OGE (General Electric), dove lavorano per gli americani; ma i tempi non sono brevi, mentre l’industria americana, colta l’importanza delle novità introdotte dalla P101, non perde tempo per imboccare la stessa strada.

Il resto è storia.

[thesilmarillionblog]

𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭: 𝟐

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: You and Soldier Boy want to create a family and move on from everything, even the Vought, but you also know that he has to face Homelander one last time to keep his vow to Butcher. However, nothing turns out as you had hoped.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: Heavy angst, hurt, memory loss, Soldier Boy gets hurt, reader gets hurt, established relationship, trust issues, reader is manipulated, everyone is a liar, suspense

Word Count: 4107

A/N: English is not my first language.

This is inspired by the song 'Remembrance' by Memoria Futuri.༊

Butcher hidden what had transpired months prior from the other members of the team while he waited for you to fully heal in the same room, guaranteeing that Kimiko and Frenchie would never discuss your abortion ever again. Butcher had told them nothing about you other than that you had amnesia.

He did not want to listen to other people discuss something they did not completely understand. He knew there was no other way for you to live your life without putting yourself in danger, even though he wasn't particularly fond of making such a brutal decision about your body. In the end, it was him who first made you inject Temp-V into yourself. Thank goodness you didn't die at that time. Furthermore, considering your circumstances with Temp-V, it would be impossible for you to continue a pregnancy while carrying a supe fetus.

That was for the better.

After the operation, three months had gone by, and Butcher had told the physicians to get you as much sleep as possible to avoid showing any obvious scars and to avoid raising any suspicions. He also erased anything that was online about you, including your videos, images, and anything else that may have been obtained by cameras, all with CIA assistance. He was aware that the game he was playing was risky.

You were so exhausted that you wanted to close your eyes again and grimace at the sight of a white light shining straight into them. 

When you saw him playing with his phone on the chair next to your bed, you said, “Butcher?” 

“Hey,” he said as soon as he touched you gently and slipped his phone into his pockets. “All right, darling, let me talk to the doctor. Try not to get up or do anything.” 

You groaned in agony as Butcher exited the room, attempting to make sense of what was happening. There was a great void in your mind, even if you forced yourself to recall the things that had happened to you. All you could recall was that you, Butcher, and Hughie were in some filthy room trying to talk to Translucent. 

When the female doctor began to examine your eyes and everything else, you opened them again. “You appear to be in good health. How do you feel?” she inquired softly. 

You muttered, “I actually don't know. How long have I been sleeping?”

She smiled and added, “It's okay; you just need some more rest, and it's been three months.”

You mumbled, “What?” amazed at how much time you spend sleeping. Butcher nodded at you when you looked at him to see how he responded. “What happened to me?”

The doctor opened her mouth to speak, then gave Butcher an odd look as if she was having trouble coming up with the right phrase. 

“What's the last thing you remember, doll?” Butcher asked while closely inspecting you. 

You muttered, trying to force yourself to remember something, but all it did was give you a terrible headache. “I...Translucent is all that I remember from that time. I had been trying to talk to him with Hughie.”

Butcher took a deep breath and gave the doctor another look. 

You inquired, perplexed, “Did something very bad happen to me? Is Hughie okay?” 

“Of course, nothing horrible happened,” Butcher said with a smile. “You just gave yourself a really hard head hit on the table. Very hard one. You'll feel well very soon, right, doctor?”

“Yes,” she responded quickly. “You just need to rest a little bit more.”

You said, “Can I leave though? Would you let me, please? I believe I can walk, and I don't think I can feel my limbs here anymore if I continue to sleep. I'd better not spend any more time in this place.” 

“Of course. I was about to say that. You are allowed to go,” she said, maintaining her grin and turning to face Butcher after she had carefully placed some clothing from the wardrobe on your bed. 

Butcher said, “Okay, you change your clothes while I talk to her, right?”

Nodding to him, you watched them as they left the room.

Carefully closing the door, Butcher said, “You think her memory loss is temporary?” in a low voice to make sure he wasn't being heard.

“There is no certainty when it comes to medical issues. Especially, not when it’s about brain.”

“That's not my kind of conversation, doc. Just advise me on what not to do, and she will remain that way.”

“Make sure there is nothing—not a photo, document, or anything else—that would prompt her to recall someone or something you don't want her to. That's the best advice I can give you; otherwise, you can push her to constantly recall other fake memories, which will give her a headache and possibly worsen her trauma as she tries to recall. I'm not promising you anything, though; she might not even need them to remember someday. Even something small, unimportant can trigger her memories.”

Butcher sighed and replied, “Well, that's enough. Is there anything more I should know?”

“Butcher, you have to understand that you are powerless to stop what is about to come. If she ever finds out, she is going to hate you. I'm not even going to question which Supe got her pregnant. I don't want to know. This is a pretty dangerous game that you are playing in a very messed-up setting.”

“I paid you good, didn't I?” Angered by her words, Butcher spoke up. “I completed the tasks at hand, and moving forward, everything will be OK. All I'm asking is that you simply never discuss what happened here with anyone, as you are told.”

“I would never,” was her quick reply. “I hope to never have to deal with anything similar again, and I hope you will stay away from me for a very long time.”

Butcher winked meaningfully at her and said, “Okay, call me when you're needy or high, love.”

When Butcher knocked on your door and you told him to come in, he asked, “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah.” 

He informed you that there were new members of your team in the car when he noticed you were deep in thought. “In three months, a lot can happen, you know. We still had to work about Vought and the Seven.”

“Oh,” you replied, unsure of how to reply appropriately. “Are they reliable?” 

“They are, of course. However, there is one new thing that may surprise you. One of them is a member of the Seven.”

You exclaimed, “No way,” sounding both shocked and thrilled. “I thought our purpose was to kill them all.”

“Well, not every one of them is a total asshole who loves to be bitchy around. Starlight is an excellent and smart young lady.”

“Oh my god,” you said in a whisper. “It seems like I may have missed the whole episode. However, how did she learn about your team and decide to join so quickly?”

“A lot of things change every day. She's fucking Hughie. Love wins at the end of the day, doesn't it? She claimed that before joining the Seven, she was ignorant of Vought's true face.”

You just said, “I understand.”

“What happened to Translucent, by the way?”

“He's in the grave.”

“Oh my god!” you exclaimed, shocked, putting your palms to your lips while Butcher continued to stare at the road. “And how did you even manage to do it?”

“When you passed out, Hughie blew up his invisible cunt. That's it. Don't you think you have way too many questions? Nothing further significant occurred. That was all.”

“All I want is to stay up with the team. I've been asleep for so long that I cannot remember anything at all.”

You said, “I feel like I disappointed you and Hughie,” while he remained silent and kept staring at the road. “I'm sorry.”

Butcher touched your shoulder and said, “Hey, don't you talk like that silly again. I am myself a big failure and a mess in fact.”

He went on without letting you say anything. “You're doing well. I'm happy to see you back at The Boys, and be sure, there's still much to do. Please, don't

worry about anything.” He gave one of his sly smiles. “Everything's going to be alright.”

Everyone was staring at you when you hesitantly went inside the house. You felt awkward trying to decide what to say. Soon after, Butcher was the center of attention for everyone, which simultaneously made you feel foolish and embarrassed.

When at last you succeeded in saying “Hello,” you said, “Butcher told me about you. Since you're all new here, I suppose it would be best if we introduced ourselves right away.”

You gave Butcher an odd look after introducing yourself, and then you cautiously sat down on the couch because you were still feeling a little lightheaded. The worst was the headache. An uneasy tension filled the air.

Ignoring the accusing looks from Frenchie and Kimiko, Butcher began to sip whiskey and tried to forget about the incident, similar to you, but voluntarily. 

“Yeah, I mean, she's Kimiko, and I'm Frenchie.”

You were taken aback when Kimiko came down next to you and gave you a strong hug before you could respond, but you soon went back to give her a hug. 

Annie looked at Butcher and continued, “I suppose you're familiar with me already. I am Starlight. However, feel free to call me Annie.”

“Yeah, he told me you and Hughie are a thing, right?”

Annie nodded to you and smiled.

You felt a little better because everyone appeared friendly and welcoming. You were worried that during the months you were asleep, you had missed a lot. To feel like you have a place, it would be a good idea to make connections with new people. 

Butcher stated, “Well, I have to leave for the time being. Let's give everyone a little rest. Unfortunately, even your lazy ass cheeks deserve a vacation.” He then turned to face you and said, “And you can rest a bit more, doll.”

As if you haven't had enough sleep. You didn't reject him, though.

You said you wanted a little more sleep when Butcher left the house and got up. The way everyone looked at you was weird and strange somehow, but you didn't give it much thought. Soon, you would grow accustomed to one another. 

Though your footsteps led you as if they had their own memory, you were unable to recall which room you had been sleeping in when you took the stairs. 

You shut the door and turned on the lights. You pushed your memory to recall even a single, insignificant detail, but it was blank. But when you took in your surroundings, a feeling of sadness and regret overcame you, as though you were recalling this place. You were unable to comprehend the misery in your heart as you listened to the room's silence. 

Although it seemed like you had been in this room for months, you could sense the presence of another person. It was difficult to define. 

You touched each piece of furniture as you moved around the space in the hopes that something, no matter how small or pointless, would remain in your memory. You looked through the closet, but nothing was there. Everything seemed intentionally empty. 

With a heavy heart, you sit on the bed and run your fingertips over the soft sheet. The inside of your head was hurting like crazy the harder you tried to remember. You gave up and laid on the bed after making a few more attempts. As you inhaled, the comforting scent of the cushion beneath your head slightly eased your discomfort. 

You had the impression that you belonged here, and vice versa. 

In your heart, you sensed that something was missing. You simply couldn't tell if it had to do with something in the room, a sensation, or something else entirely. Whatever it was, your heart and feelings understood it, even though it was hazy and no longer in your recollection. You were yearning for something that was beyond your memory. 

You hugged the pillow under your head and wept uncontrollably as you curled into the bed even deeper with a heavy heart. Your heart squeezed in pain as you continued to cry, and you did not even know why. 

Someone patted your arm and said, “Hey, want to have dinner? You fell asleep here hours ago. You must be starving.”

“Frenchie?” you asked in a sleepy voice. 

“Yes, it's me. Are you hungry?” 

You rubbed your head and nodded to him. Your head ached from weeping so much. 

“Well, I suppose,” you muttered. “Frenchie, who is staying in this room, by the way?”

Just as he was ready to add anything, Frenchie abruptly stopped talking, as though he were trying to think it through. “Not in particular. I mean, everyone. What happened?”

You said, “I don't know,” as your gaze wandered the room. “Just a feeling.” 

“It's just an empty room,” Frenchie simply said, assisting you in standing up. “Nothing else.”

Annie called your name three times in a row; you were unaware that you had not even touched your meal. 

You apologized. “Sorry, I couldn't catch you.”

"Hey," she muttered in a worried tone. “You know, it's best not to overthink things. Everything will work out. We are with you. You only spent three months there. You didn't miss too much. Actually, thanks to you, we didn't have to put in as much effort because Butcher watched for you till you healed.” 

“I'm not sure,” you simply said, giving her a ghostly smile. “I sense that something is off. I'm not really sure what it means, but it seems like I lost something.”

Your face turned red with guilt as she remained silent. “I apologize; I didn't want to give you a negative first impression. I know I sound weird right now.” 

Kimiko, who was seated next to you, comforted you by resting her chin on your shoulder and smiling sympathetically. She was somewhat serious and genuine, which put you at ease, and she was communicating with you using sign language. In fact, you needed to speak with someone like her. 

“No way,” Frenchie grumbled, continuing to eat the pasta rapidly. “You don't leave a negative impression or anything; we work as a team. You are at least more civilized than MM and Butcher's nasty asses. That's good enough.” 

The way Frenchie talked badly of Butcher made you all laugh. 

He winked at you and pointed a finger at your face, saying, “I think there is a way to solve your situation, Y/N.”

“What is it?” you inquired immediately. 

“I honestly believe that after the past few months of exhausting work, we all deserve to relax and enjoy ourselves. It wouldn't harm the CIA's ass to take a little vacation. Ladies, what do you say?”

Kimiko grinned and gave him the thumbs up, and you agreed. Perhaps engaging in some pleasant activities might help relieve the oppressive sensation that has been troubling you since you got up. 

“And after that,” Frenchie continued. “I've got to work on this virus a little bit more.”

“What virus?” you said, startled. There was too much to catch on to. 

“A virus capable of causing the murder Homelander. It's a supe killer.” 

Annie and Kimiko looked at one another worriedly. 

You said, “Oh my god,” looking shocked. “Is that even possible?”

“If I can figure out how to generate the virus, then it should be possible. Homelander cannot be killed by a simple virus. It's difficult to construct anything so strong because that motherfucking is just too powerful to kill, but hope is the last thing that dies in this world.”

As you watched Hughie give Annie a sad face, you couldn't help but wonder, “What if Annie is infected with this virus as well? If in the wrong hands, it would be genocide.”

“We'll simply kill Homelander and the remaining members of his team. Not Kimiko or Annie, of course. We already have enough blood on our hands. This must finish quickly.”

“Let's avoid talking about such things today,” Annie said, appearing visibly uncomfortable. It made sense. 

Annie wanted you to dance at the club instead of spending the entire evening sitting down, but you told her you weren't feeling well enough to be active and all that. You were fine physically; you just didn't want to at that particular time. 

You smiled at Hughie and Annie as you watched them dance. There was no denying their obvious chemistry. It pleased you that Hughie could choose to move on. No matter how harsh and cruel life is, it always continues because every day brings with it a fresh start. 

Perhaps that was how they had each other's backs throughout the worst. You wanted to have something so strong and intimate as well. 

Kimiko touched you on the shoulder, and her expression changed to one of concern, as if she wanted to know how you were doing. 

You said, sipping the whiskey, “I'm okay.” You didn't want to drink since you thought it would worsen your situation. Still, a glass or two wouldn't harm you. “I just can't get over this headache. Perhaps I'm pushing myself too much.”

Kimiko communicated with you via her phone because you were completely unfamiliar with her unique sign language. However, you made a self-promise to learn it as soon as possible.

“Avoid pushing yourself. You have to maintain patience. You'll be fine soon enough, I'm sure.”

You also brushed Kimiko's shoulder and said, “I hope so. Thank you. I'm not sure why, but I just can't get over the sadness that I feel. It makes me want to cry. What if something terrible happened and no one was telling me? God, please don't think I'm some sort of paranoid person. Butcher isn't here, and I simply needed to talk.”

“What makes you feel sad?”

“When I went into the upstairs room today, I felt really bad about it. Do you know someone who stays there? Perhaps I was staying there, and my memory is not helping.”

Kimiko nibbled on her bottom lip and briefly looked around. then displayed her phone to you. 

“Yes, you were staying there sometimes.”

You were about to speak, but you changed your mind and decided not to share what Frenchie had told you. 

Kimiko again held up her phone and said, “I just want you to be okay,” as she noticed you lost in thought. “Perhaps it would be best not to push yourself to bring back memories. If those memories are strong enough, they will find a way to get back to you. No matter what”

“That felt better, Kimiko. I appreciate you listening to me. You're right. There's no need to worry if they are unimportant; in that case, it's preferable not to remember.”

Kimiko smiled a little and offered you a hug. She looked at you, and you gave her a nod as soon as she noticed that Frenchie was grinning at her. As if the team was made up entirely of romantics. 

Just as you were all about to head back home, Frenchie pulled over, and you all gathered around the large screen to see something. Based on the large Vought symbol that was displayed on the screen beforehand, you could presume that it must be about the Seven. 

“What's happening?” Annie questioned, perplexed. 

Everyone on the street had been glued to the large TVs. 

Frenchie muttered, “I guess there is some latest news. I wonder what Homelander did this time.”

As you left Frenchie's van and joined the other people on the street, you glanced at one of the screens. 

The Vice President claims that Homelander himself ordered the release of Soldier Boy, who was found not guilty hours ago. Homelander discovered that the CIA had attempted to use Soldier Boy to bring down the president and Vought. We've been informed that the release of Soldier Boy will bring Americans together once more during these days of change. The public will soon get further information. 

You stared at the massive image of Soldier Boy on television as the reporter filled you in on the latest events. 

“Oh, no, no,” Frenchie mumbled to himself. Annie gave him a scared expression. 

“What is going on” You uttered, “I thought Soldier Boy died a long time ago,” not fully grasping the gravity of the situation.

“I suppose we should give Butcher a call. Now,” Annie spoke harshly.

You gasped when Frenchie pushed you to go and get in the van before you could say anything, but you continued to stare at the image of Soldier Boy.

“Hey, what's happening?” As they exchanged glances, you repeated the question, speaking louder. “Why have you all turned pale?”

Annie opened her lips to say, “I-,” but she suddenly changed her mind. “Let's speak with Butcher first; he can guide us on what to do. Butcher just sent us a new address, Frenchie. Let's go there.”

“Alright.”

You followed up with more questions, but when you realized they wouldn't discuss them, you closed your mouth and lost yourself in your own thoughts until you reached the location Butcher had instructed you to go to. 

Butcher was smoking when you walked in, and he had his eyes fixated on the wall.

You patted his shoulder and said, “Butcher,” to get his attention. “What's going on?”

He said, simply, “We're staying here from now on.”

“And it's about Soldier Boy,” you asserted firmly. “How about him? I assumed he was long gone. What are all of your concerns? I guarantee I'm well now and I got enough sleep, even though I know you don't want to push me or anything. So, will you kindly simply give me the details? Did something occur when I wasn't present?”

Butcher inhaled deeply and got to his feet. “Well, I suppose we must begin someplace. A few months ago, Soldier Boy was released. We were the ones who did this. Eventually, he promised us to help kill Homelander.”

You responded, “So he wasn't dead,” and he nodded in agreement. “And?” 

“It came out that Soldier Boy had betrayed us, and Homelander is his son. With the assistance of the CIA, we were able to cover his face with a mask and send him back to sleep. With the help of his father, Soldier Boy, it appears that Homelander is eager to work with him from now on and will be undefeated.”

“Oh, my god,” you muttered. “We can't even kill Homelander; how are we even supposed to deal with both him and Soldier Boy? Why the fuck you even released Soldier Boy?” 

"I fucking don't know," Butcher exclaimed as he became angrier. "But we'll be cautious and stay here. Frenchie will work on the virus, and together we'll develop an efficient method of killing them both." 

You said, “Maybe we can try to talk to Soldier Boy. He is our nation's first superhero. He is undoubtedly beloved by the public, but perhaps he will reconsider if we can persuade him that Homelander committed atrocious crimes, like mass murder. Don't you think?”

“Stop being naive,” Butcher sharply remarked. “You are mistaken if you believe Soldier Boy is innocent and not like Homelander; they are a father and son. He killed a lot of people in New York on the day we let him go. He just knows how to kill, betray, and deceive. Soldier Boy must die.”

Next Chapter

⋆⋅☆⋆☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──────⋆⋅☆⋆☆⋅⋆

A/N: Comments are very much appreciated. I’d like to know what you think about this one. ♡

Taglist: @smexydilflover @deebris @coolrobloxkid28 @endrfairy @libby99hb @raynamorono23 @cwutesygrl @ladysparkles78 @seokjinluvb0t    @deangirl96 @whendiditendalthoughenjoyment @mostlymarvelgirl @dilfsandmartinis @deans-spinster-witch @mayafatimakhan @riah1606 @ilovecooperhoward @unleashthelion @cnmcgee @ahoytothestorm @hells-dragon @bitchykittenconnoisseur @peachhiz

[orotrasparente]

io vorrei vedere la faccia di quei geni del male che scrivono in anonimo cose tipo “ingoi??xdxd” ad una qualunque qua sopra e vorrei troppo sapere com’è la loro espressione compiaciuta per aver scritto questo fugace pensiero di manzoniana memoria, perché io non ci credo che ci siano davvero persone esistenti che si sentono furbe e scaltre a fa ste cose

[luluemarlene]

Sta sera incontro l'uomo del deserto, chiamato così perché l'ho conosciuto quando era in missione in Afghanistan, bloccato là un anno, a causa del covid

È un soldato infatti , e sì ho un debole per le divise 😅 e non solo perché sono eccitanti ma perché volevo fare il soldato e per una serie di ragioni..

niente, sono un civile.

Comunque, torniamo a noi

Ci siamo scritti per anni e divenuti amanti per qualche mese, poi finita per mio volere

Nessuna mira godereccia mi ha pervasa per questa serata perché siamo rimasti buoni amici, o almeno così me la racconto

Il soldato ha fatto tutto il normale percorso per l'elaborazione del lutto/rottura/separazione :

negazione, rabbia, elaborazione , depressione e accettazione

Da manuale proprio!

Ricordo ogni singolo passaggio e se non fosse che capisco e conosco a memoria sto merdoso travaglio, credo che avrei organizzato una spedizione punitiva con tutti i peggiori ceffi che conosco, per fracassare ogni suo singolo ossicino.

E io qualcuno lo conosco eh!

Mi ha fatto paura in un paio di occasioni e infinita tenerezza in altre, ma ho avuto ragione ad attendere pazientemente : era solo chiacchiere e distintivo e adesso è nella fase in cui dice "... come ero scemo eh, mi redo conto di aver esagerato, ma sai la mente umana..." E attacca con dei soliloqui che ascolta solo lui, appunto, dove cita nomi di pensatori sepolti da anni.

Da Eraclito a Kant fino ad arrivare a Galimberti, che si starà toccando le palle visto che è vivo 😅

Ha una laurea in filosofia che mi fa venire il mal di testa..

Bla bla bla..

Comunque, nonostante tutto io voglio bene all'uomo del deserto, si era innamorato e mi aveva fatto sentire speciale o ricordato come ci si sente quando lo si è per qualcuno

Vabbè, provo a non divagare eh!!

E quindi, tutta sta manfrina?

Perché sta notte, tanto per cambiare non dormivo, e ho pensato, non al soldatino e a come sarà rivederlo dopo 2 anni,

ma a Lui

Lui, chi?

Lui Lui

l'Oreste, dal nome inventato più brutto del mondo, se pur nome mitologico, figlio di Clitennestra e Agamennone ( ma andrò a controllare, potrebbe essere una gran cazzata )

Ok, ok, adesso le divagazioni sono davvero insopportabili

Cazzo c'entra Lui? Eeeh c'entra! perché ho pensato/sognato che sarebbe stato fico scrivergli e chiedergli di vederci nel parcheggio sotto il suo ufficio, dove una delle tante volte gli ho succhiato il cazzo così poeticamente che quando ho alzato la testa dalle sue gambe ero Beatrice e lui Dante ❤️

Lo so, cazzata pure questa , infatti mai succhiato un cazzo poeticamente, anzi, i versi che gli piaceva farmi fare sembravano piu quelli dell'Idraulico Liquido dentro allo scarico intasato

Presente?

Altro che poesia!

Comunque! L'idea era quella di vederlo un po' prima dell'incontro , ma solo per fagli strofinare il cazzo in mezzo alle mie cosce, frugando tra il pelo, senza nemmeno entrare, solo sfregarlo, sul pube, sul clitoride, con il rischio di incendiare tutto e guardargli mettere la bocca a forma di piccola "o", come fa ogni volta che sta godendo ( magari è uno dei falsi ricordi che ho, ma chiessenefrega, è il mio sogno lucido, ci faccio un po' che cazzo mi pare )

Il membro turgido infilato lì al calduccio, con le mutandine leggermente abbassate e poi guardarlo godere ed esplodere sulla stoffa interna, e lasciare una bella macchia biancastra e appiccicaticcia

Madonna, mi bagno come una puttanella

Poi risistemo le mutande e dall'esterno schiaccio bene il tutto sul pelo nero

Piccoli movimento circolari per fare in modo che la sua essenza arrivi alla mia pelle e gli odori si mischino a creare la fragranza che mi accompagnerá tutta la sera.

Lui sarà con me, sentirò le mutandine bagnate, l'umido ad ogni movimento, e penserò

"perché nn mi sono fatta sborrare in culo che così mi colava tutto giù per le cosce ad ogni passo... " e cristodio, adesso vado a prendere vibrox e me lo pianto anche nelle orecchie perché con sti pensieri, all'uomo del deserto, gli tocca buttarmelo e non si può, che poi mi devo sorbire altri 2 anni di colpe e angoscia con Heidegger e compagnia bella!

Dai, vado.. Sarà una giornata faticosa

Cià.

[abr]

Ieri sera si sarebbe dovuta giocare la partita Belgio-Israele qui a Bruxelles. Ma le autorità hanno preferito dire di no per "ragioni di sicurezza", tra rischio attentati e di sommosse. Il match è stato spostato a Debrecen, Ungheria, dove non hanno questi problemi. Chissà mai perché. In modo del tutto scorrelato, l'Ungheria continua ad essere nel mirino dell'Europa sul piano dei "diritti".

Adattato da https://x.com/LeonardoPanetta

Non ci sono più scuse per ignorare la correlazione tra IMMIGRATI ISLAMICI AGGRESSIVI e PALESTOFANTI. La si può vedere come la vedono i woke, fruttifera, oppure al contrario, ma non si può fingere di non vedere.

Quanto all'Ungheria: mi fa tornare alla memoria un bidello della scuola elementare dei miei tempi, emarginato, addirittura minacciato dai colleghi inviperiti con lui, perché identificava da solo le cose giuste e urgenti da fare senza attendere ordini, le faceva bene e in tempi rapidi, insomma risolveva problemi ... pàrdon, metteva tutti gli altri sindacalizzati in cattiva luce. Non v'è chi non veda come si comportasse in modo non solidale per competitività capitalishta materialishta, maledettoh.