#actually when i went back to the beginning of this blog i spoke a LOT about nari

[https-furina]

fighting you for my pookie

😞 i’m used to fighting for lyney not bedo

[sysmedsaresexist]

Changing mindsets, from a Real Anti Endo™️

The Release of the (Pro/Endo) Golden Goose

I hope everyone from all sides will give this important, heartfelt post a read.

It's likely something you'll want to be aware of if you have a vested interest in syscourse and the validity of endogenic systems. Please give this a chance.

It's been almost three years since I started my blogs. Wow. I've been on tumblr a hell of a lot longer, but I really wasn't involved in the system community. I started out firm and loud. I probably inadvertently fakeclaimed (I went into this with the rule that I would NOT directly tell anyone they were faking, it was a boundary that I knew would ruin me socially if I crossed it, but I'm sure I probably did without meaning to), I name called and made fun of people and things. I was disrespectful to people. I invaded tags to get my message out there, though I was quick to stop once I realized I was making the tags unusable for the community I claimed to want to protect.

I learned very quickly what was appropriate and what wasn't, what I could get away with and what I couldn't. It started to become a numbers game, influenced by the risk of the post.

I made a lot of friends and a lot of enemies, and I amassed a following of over 2k. More people have come and gone from my little community than I ever thought possible. People made fanart of me, and I cherish those so deeply. I have over 300 asks because I struggle to delete the ones thanking me.

And the more I was thanked, the nicer I got, the more thanks, the nicer I got, rinse and repeat until I had trouble NOT empathizing with pro/endos. The more I was willing to listen, the more legitimate sources I came across that disproved my original ideas about consciousness. The people sharing the sources were more respectful than I thought they'd be. Things were starting to look a bit cloudy.

I talked to my colleagues about how they, as therapists, would handle some of these endos in their practice, and while their belief in the concept varied, kindness and attempts to understand was the consistent answer. When had I lost that kindness and understanding that had driven me to that field to begin with?

Colleagues, yes. For those who don't know, I have a degree in social services and counselling (plus three other degrees). It's why the current situation with the antis turning on me is so funny. I still can't get into the mindset of some of these new anti endos, I just can't imagine justifying that level of cruelty. I had lines that I wouldn't cross, and I didn't think people could be worse than me.

... That might have been a trauma thing, looking back on it.

So I got desperate.

I spoke to the actual doctors who wrote some of these papers all of us are quoting. Everyone was arguing the meaning of the words, so I went directly to the source.

Dr Colin Ross, who wrote about endogenous multiplicity in the 80s. I told him everything-- about plurals, non-traumagenic systems, syscourse, what was being debated, how I and others interpreted his words, and what I wanted to learn.

Was plurality only trauma based?

And back and forth and back and forth we went, with me asking over and over again in different ways, NEEDING to hear that it was.

But I never got that answer. He meant what he meant. He said what he said and he meant it.

That plurality was not only found in the aftermath of trauma.

And I said nothing to anyone because I couldn't reconcile it.

Don't try to read between the lines, I assure you, there isn't some hidden meaning to be found there. I can't share all of the messages because some contained personal information, but my final response will tell you all you need to know.

(It did NOT, in fact, make sense, and it took me three years to "rethink my paper" that endogenic plurality wasn't possible, I did not win that conversation, it was a dying stance that was not supported)

I've been accused of paying too much attention to my follower count, but I can't really help it. It's really scary when you make a post and see a sizeable drop. It means a lot of different things. My posts have less reach and support. I've upset people. I've done something wrong. My community is leaving me.

I'm in a weird spot, where I'm blocked by so much of the pro/endo community that I have nothing to join, and the anti endo community, who I still wholeheartedly support, continues to leave me for -checks smudged writing on hand- being too nice??

Misinformation about DID is a massive problem, and it's why I still consider myself anti endo and support that community. I relate to them in such a way that I'll always gravitate to and empathize with them.

Or at least, that's what I thought.

At this point, though, how can I not be pro/endo when Colin fucking Ross says it's possible?

I've already written about how I'm really struggling with these labels, and I love the people that have stuck around while I struggle to figure this out.

I hurt when I see the people that once supported me leave.

My (online) world is shrinking. Literally.

That's scary.

When you've watched so many turn away, you start to wonder, with every post, where is the line where the rest are going to leave? Is it this post?

I just want to be me, us, we want to laugh at the stupid crap people say, system or not, I want to talk about my disorder, I want to combat misinformation, I want to have productive, fun conversations about ideas and concepts with people who disagree and have different interpretations. I want to play devil's advocate and get people thinking. I want to be able to comment positivity and kindness on any post I see, I want to feel comfortable talking to more people about their ideas. I sympathize with anti endos, I relate to CDD systems, I still firmly believe that CDDs and plurality are different, unrelated concepts.

My priority will always and forever be the CDD community first and foremost.

However, I am a hypocrite. I have gone straight to the horse's mouth and failed. I've seen so much research that I finally get it. I'm grappling with holding on to this conversation with Dr Ross, wondering what harm I could have prevented if I'd gone public with these emails earlier.

Since when has being open to change been a bad thing?

Since when has showing respect to lived experiences been a bad thing?

What am I? What label describes this?

How do I go forward from here?

What are you going to do with this information?

I promise you, hate isn't the way forward.

[lees-chaotic-brain]

𝙵𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙵𝚁𝙸𝙴𝙽𝙳 (𝙾𝚂𝙰𝙼𝚄 𝙼𝙸𝚈𝙰 𝚇 𝚁𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙴𝚁)

summary: he overhears your friend saying something unkind

wc: 1.5k (oops this was supposed to be a drabble)

cw: mild swearing, reader has adhd, stigma against adhd

haikyuu masterlist | blog navigation

“...What makes you think I wouldn’t lose it? I have the worst case of ADHD anyone has ever seen, you seriously think I’d be able to keep track of it?”

Your lighthearted laughter as you teased your friend floated over the din of the cafe as Osamu entered it, there to pick you up. Unable to tamp down his lovesick smile at the sound of your voice, he immediately perked up when he spotted you and began heading over to where you were sitting with your friends.

You had a little bit of trouble controlling your volume, so he had been able to hear what you were saying earlier, but since then you had gone weirdly quiet. But as he made his way over to you, he became close enough to catch the tail end of what your friend said in response.

“...I mean come on. You can’t just blame everything on your ADHD. Like, when are you going to actually take responsibility for your problems instead of using it as an excuse as if half the population doesn’t have it?”

He didn’t have to see your face to know what your expression looked like. Just like every other time someone said something shitty like that to you, he knew that the hurt would only show on your face for a moment before morphing into a sarcastic and uncaring mask.

“I’m sorry, what?” Your voice had lost its boisterous joy from moments ago, and that alone made him want to storm over there and tear that girl a new one. Unfortunately he was well aware of the fact that you preferred to fight your own battles, and loathed feeling like you needed some man to come in and defend your feelings.

“I’m just saying.” Your friend rolled her eyes. “You’re so put together, and one of the most intelligent people I know. When are you going to stop using your ADHD as an excuse for your terrible work ethic?”

While the first part of what she said sounded deceptively nice, the hidden connotations in the barbed sentence did not go over his head, so it most certainly did not go over yours. Remembering all of the nights he spent holding you as you cried because someone had called you lazy, or told you that you could do it if you just tried, he made a mental note to himself to remind you of how amazing you are every day. As if he didn’t already.

“Wow.” Your voice had taken on a mocking, almost cruel tone. While most people overhearing would think you’re just being really nasty, he knew better. This was how you protected yourself. You pretended you didn’t care and mocked the person for their ignorance, then went home and asked him to hold you until your heart stopped hurting and the voices in your head stopped talking.

You took a slow, leisurely sip of your drink, before slamming the cup back onto the table with more force than necessary. “For someone who claims to have undiagnosed ADHD, you sure don’t know anything about it. Just so you don’t embarrass yourself in the future by spewing more bullshit like this, let me give you a few pieces of information.”

Leaning back in your chair, you began ticking off items on your fingers as you spoke. 

“One. Telling someone with ADHD to “just focus” is like telling a person with glasses to just see better. We want to, but we can’t.” You level a pointed look at her glasses and Osamu notes with satisfaction that her face is beginning to get flushed with embarrassment. You continue.

“Two. A lot of people with ADHD are actually insanely smart. They have to be. People in classes like ours who have ADHD and struggle with paying attention and staying on task need to be intellectually gifted to survive in school. It’s the only way they can keep up. Which brings us to point three.”

The overly sweet smile you give your so-called “friend” tells him that you’re about to say something you’ll regret later, but he can’t bring himself to stop you because anyone who hurt your feelings deserved what was coming for them. If that made him a bad boyfriend then he didn’t really care. He would just comfort you later and tell you that you aren’t a bad person for putting a judgemental asshole in their place.

“Point three: don’t go around telling people that you have undiagnosed ADHD. Like I said before, people with ADHD typically need to be smarter than the others in their class to keep up, especially in an engineering major. Which is exactly why no one is going to believe you. Frankly, you’re just not smart enough. You’re barely hanging on as it is. If you really did have ADHD you would have flunked out by now.”

Checking the time on your phone you gathered your stuff and stood up. “Sorry. My boyfriend is probably here by now. Although, something came up. I think you’ll need to find your own ride back. Sorry.”

Surveying the area where you had sat, you double checked to make sure you had everything, pausing and looking back over your shoulder just as you were about to leave.

“Oh, and by the way.” You shoot her a saccharine smile. “I really appreciate you thinking that I’m really put together. Unlike my intelligence, that’s all an act, so I’m really flattered that you thought that about me. It means a lot.”

With that, you turned and came face to face with your boyfriend's chest, nearly falling on your ass. One of his arms wound around your waist, pulling you against him and keeping you upright while the other snagged your bag and threw it over his shoulder.

“Samu?!” You look up at him in surprise and he just smirks and guides you out of the restaurant. Once you’re in the privacy of his car, you speak again. “...How long were you standing there?”

“Long enough to hear the bullshit she spewed.” You look down, pretending to pick at your nails, but he knows you’re just trying to hide the tears welling in her eyes. 

“I really thought she was my friend.” Your voice is quiet and watery, completely different from the one you used with your friend just seconds ago in the cafe. “Maybe she’s right. I was probably too mean to her. I apologize to her-”

He was going to let you apologize, knowing that nothing he said would take away the guilt clawing at your insides, but then he saw the contact name.

“Her??” He pointed incredulously at the contact name. “The girl in there was her?? The one who was super mean to ya last year? I thought ya said ya weren’t friends with her anymore!”

Flushing, you tilt your phone away from him. “Well, I didn’t want you to worry. She got nicer, I swear.”

His eyes narrow. “Uh-huh. And what she said to ya back there definitely reflects just how much she’s changed.”

With a quick stretch of his arm, he snatched your phone out of your hand and slid it into his pocket, fending you off with one arm as he started the car and pulled out, causing you to cease your physical attempts at reclaiming your phone.

“Osamu Miya!! You give that back!! It’s not up to you who I’m friends with, and whether or not I apologize!”

“I know that.” He mumbles, keeping his eyes on the road. “I just don’t like seeing ya sad. And yer always sad when yer friends with assholes like her.”

“Oh, Samu…” Your voice softens and you take his free hand in your own. “I’ll be okay. Really. Honestly she’s probably trying to help me. She just wants me to fix what’s going on-”

“That’s exactly what I mean!” His knuckles turn white with how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel, but his grasp of your hand is nothing but gentle. “There’s nothing wrong with ya! She says shit like that and you believe her! Yer perfect the way you are, and I hate that you spend time with people who make you feel less than that! I don’t care who yer friends with. I just want them to treat you well. The way ya deserve.”

You deflate, your grip on his hand tightening and he sees you wiping your eyes out of his peripheral. “I know. I know you're right. Can we just...talk about this later? I just want to be sad right now."

'"Of course we can babe. We don't have to talk about it at all if you don't want to. I'm just not letting you apologize to her because she doesn't deserve it."

You laugh, and the sound does things to his heart. "I love you so much Samu. You know that, right?”

He squeezes your hand tightly, knowing that no matter what, the two of you would be okay because you had each other. “I know. And I love ya a million times more than that.”

taglist: @arlerts-angel @ponderingmoonlight

[lemonmelonboy]

Oblivious

Taylor x Reader

TW: None

Content: GN!Reader, Movie Mentioned: Hush 2016, Netflix

Word Count: 925

Summary: What if Taylor did try confessing just before you went into Gallagher Mansion and it flew over your head?

18+ Readers ONLY - Minors Do NOT Interact! Minors/Ageless Blogs will be Blocked!!!

 I Do NOT give any permission for my work to be Reposted, Translated, or used with AI in ANY Capacity!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You and Taylor meet bright and early as usual, hanging out before both of your 10 am classes had become a delightful ritual. Typically you would spend 2 hours in a private study room, that you would reserve at the beginning of each week. 

“Hey bud!” Taylor calls as he comes into the private study room you had reserved in the library. He slips into the chair across from you at the small table. “Sorry, I’m a bit late.” He said with a soft apologetic smile. You could see the sleep in his eyes still, he must have missed his alarm again and came straight here after waking up. 

You smile kindly back, “No- it’s ok, I only just got settled a couple minutes before you got in”. You notice a soft pink spread across Taylors' cheeks before he nods and looks away. He starts pulling out his laptop and notebooks so that the pair of you can start working quietly. 

Most mornings were spent like this, a quiet individual study together. It was always a comfortable silence and rarely accompanied by discussions unless one of you had a test to study for that day. The only time the pair of you actively spoke about anything most days was around 30 minutes before you two would have to leave to class. You would pack away your things and just chat and banter about your recent favorite shows or games. A lot of times Taylor would ramble about a new horror story he heard or scary movie trailer he saw. 

And so the pair of you quietly study together, occasionally casting soft looks to each other, Taylor getting clearly flustered every time you caught him looking over at you. The hour and a half of studying passes quickly and you sigh softly to break the silence and start to put your things away. Taylor perks up when he sees you packing and quickly follows suit. 

“So, what’s been on your thoughts today? Found a new version of the Banshee story?” you asked playfully as a teasing smile lingers on your face.

“N-no..” he says softly, as he procrastinates replying while he puts his notebooks away. “I  uh, actually found a movie you might like?” He said awkwardly. “It's uh- a story about a deaf and mute woman who’s being attacked by a serial killer in her home?” 

“Oh! Yeah, I heard about that one!! I think it looks so cool!” You say excitedly, slashers and thrillers were much more your style compared to the more paranormal-based horrors that Taylor enjoyed. Taylor smiles almost proudly.

“Well- I figured- I’d take you to see it when it comes out? I thought it’d be really cool to see it with someone really amazing like you…” He says nervously with pink cheeks. And as he continues it sounds almost like the words are tumbling out of his mouth before he is prepared to announce them. “B-because you know! I get really- scared- by thrillers and uh- you love them and- you make me-” he stops himself, fiddling with his fingers and taking a small calming breath. “You make me feel safe-..” he mumbles out with a shy smile.

You look him over with an excited grin “Don’t worry! I’ll protect you from any crazy killer who’d come after you!” You give a fake and playful determined and brave look, pounding your chest with your fist. And Taylor just looks at you with a deep blush on his face, the silence between you hangs almost heavy. But soon Taylor gives a soft amused chuckle, covering his mouth as he begins to cackle, covering his mouth with his hands. You join him quickly, dissolving into wheezing laughing fits while you both try not to be too loud.

“Ye-yeah! Of course, you would.” He says a sweet and overjoyed smile on his face. “So you’ll come with me to the movie?” He asks with a small tilt of his head. 

“Yes of course!” You say gleefully “If you’re paying~” You tease with a grin.

“Ough!” he claps his hands over his heart “You only want me for my money!?” he joked back in a heartbroken voice. “And here I thought you just lo-liked me for me!” he said shyly as he corrected himself. 

“Maybe it's both~” You tease again with a gentle laugh. Taylor moves to prop his head up on the table with his hand. You mimic him and give an exaggerated sigh, looking Taylor in the eye as you do. You stare at him for a few minutes, and noticing him getting a bit fidgety makes you smile bigger which makes him look away covering his mouth with his hand. Your gaze follows his, and the pair of you just watch the movement in the library through the window of the study room.  You both sit comfortably in the silence for a bit before you shift with a sigh to check the time. 

“We should get going to class- we’re going to be late.” You say as you stand and pick up your bag. Taylor nods and follows suit. “You don’t have another test until next week right?” you ask him as the pair of you leave the room, locking the door behind you. You and Taylor continue your small talk as you walk and soon split ways to your separate classes. You continue the day as normal, but Taylor has trouble focusing in his classes as he runs through just how much he embarrassed himself in front of you.

[phantom-playdough]

Macaque x GN!Reader: Comforting

EDITOR NOTE FOR TITLE

Changed the title cause I WANTED to use the quote: "You're worrying me..." But I completely FORGOT about that line, LOL

Didn't know what else to call it, but it is LITERALLY 2:00 am, so this is the best I could come up with.

===========================================

This is my first post on this Tumblr blog, and I thought it would be super fun to write something for Macaque cause I adore this boi. I also noticed that there is a distinct lack of hurt/comfort fanfics for him on every platform I am on. So I will do it myself.

TWs: Mentions of nightmares, a lot of trouble eating and sleeping, the reader struggling with self-care in general, angst(?) in the beginning and middle, but there will be sweet fluff and confessions at the end to make up for it! I will add to these warnings if need be.

==========================================

Macaque tried to let it slide at first. He really did. But it was almost 3pm and Y/n was still sleeping...! Normally, he would probably just assume they went to sleep late the night before or something. But the thing is... this has been happening for over a month now.

It worried Macaque because his first thought was that something was wrong with Y/n’s sleep.

As the clock ticked on, closer and closer to late afternoon, he decided he couldn’t wait anymore and went to wake Y/n up.

When Macaque opened the door, he realized he had not been in Y/n’s room in a while. It was rather messy, to say the least. Clothes were thrown on the chair and desk and were lying on the floor. There were small wrappers all over the dresser.

Even though Y/n was lying in bed, it was super messy. Some of the blankets and pillows were lying on the floor around the bed, and one of the plushies that previously was on the bed was somehow thrown to the other side of the room, in front of Macaque's feet at the bedroom door.

Macaque picked up the plushie and slowly approached the bed, placing it by Y/n's feet. When he looked at Y/n's face, Macaque noticed their face twist into a look of discomfort. Their eyes were screwed shut and they groaned like a zombie.

It didn't take a brain scientist or rocket surgeon to figure out what was happening to Y/n in their mind. Macaque wanted nothing more than to wake them up; he wanted to relieve them of whatever horrors they were dreaming about. But he bit his tongue and held back, knowing better than he probably should that being woken up during a nightmare can cause more harm than good.

The mental image of Y/n being woken up, crying or even screaming because Macaque was too selfish made his heart clench. He just decided to wait by his best friend's side, even though his heart raced so fast it almost made his ears ring.

Macaque gently grabbed Y/n's hand, swallowing his pride, and rubbed gentle circles onto their skin. He couldn't say how much time had passed as he watched Y/n, his heart breaking as he saw them grow antsier in their dream.

Finally, Y/n opened their eyes. They squinted at the sun shining through their bedroom window. They looked over at Macaque, seeing that he didn't even bother trying to hide the fear on his face. It was only then that they noticed Macaque's hand on their own as his grip tightened slightly. It wasn't enough to hurt, but it showed that he was very scared.

Y/n simply spoke in a hoarse voice, "Hey, Macaque." They then cleared their throat. "What are you doing in my room? Is something wrong?"

Macaque adverted his eyes, glancing around. He had a smirk on his face to try and hide his anxiety. "I, uh... I was actually kinda hoping you could tell me that."

Y/n shrugged. "Nothing new." They said as they slowly sat up. Before Macaque could question what they meant, Y/n turned to him and spoke with a slight blush. "Mind if I get dressed?"

Macaque blushed and cleared his throat. "Yeah, sure. Take your time. I'll go make you some lunch."

"Don't you mean breakfast?" Y/n asked, clearly unaware of the time.

"Breakfast doesn't happen past three, Y/n." Macaque said with a smirk. He then left the room. Y/n sighed as they checked the clock.

Sure enough, 3:15pm.

Y/n dug through the piles of clothes on their desk and chair. They finally landed on an outfit they had worn a few days this week. While they were aware they should do laundry, the thought was too depressing to commit to. The idea of all the clothes to sort through and self-loathing over not doing the laundry sooner made Y/n shiver in discomfort.

The aroma of eggs on the frying pan, mango juice, and waffles filled the air in the kitchen. Y/n felt their mouth water, their stomach growled so loudly that it alerted Macaque of their presence.

"Hungry?" Macaque asked with a chuckle. Y/n nodded sheepishly.

"I thought you said breakfast doesn't happen past three." Y/n pointed out with a sweet smile. Macaque found himself staring at that perfect smile for longer than he should've been. He snapped out of his trance and cleared his throat, turning his attention back to the eggs.

"I don't remember saying that!" Macaque played dumb to see if he could get a reaction from Y/n. He did.

Y/n laughed lightly, before their expression turned soft. "Thanks, Macaroni." Y/n was the ONLY person that could call him that. Period.

There was a small silence that followed as Macaque focused on finishing the cooking.

Eventually, it was all done, and the pair started eating. Although, Y/n suddenly felt very full, despite only eating less than five bites. They pushed the food on their plate around, trying to motivate themself to eat. But for some strange reason, the smell of delicious food that made them want to eat a mountain suddenly made them never want to touch food again.

It was all so confusing, these feelings. Macaque noticed that Y/n lacked the sparkle in their eyes as they stared down at their plate. He heard another loud gurgle from Y/n's stomach, but they didn't make an effort to eat.

"Does it taste that bad?" Macaque chuckled as he asked to hide his disappointment.

"No! No, no, no! I-it tastes good, I swear!" Y/n yelled, their hands waving in front of them frantically. "I just have been having trouble eating lately! Sometimes I feel really hungry and everything, but I--"

Macaque grabbed Y/n's hands in an attempt to stop their loud rambling. It worked, thankfully. "It's okay, Y/n. I'm not mad." Macaque said a soft and sweet tone in his voice. "How about I save your food for you?" Macaque was reaching for Y/n's plate, but he still waited for them to say something, to not pressure them.

There were a couple seconds of small silence, but eventually, Y/n nodded once. Macaque frowned for a moment, but he smiled again as fast as he could to hide his fear deep inside. He took the plate and saved the food; the two were worried, even if for different reasons.

Y/n felt scared of the idea of telling Macaque was wrong because they didn't even know what was wrong!

Meanwhile, Macaque was trying to figure out just that. Things were so good only a month ago, but slowly, Y/n fell back. It worried him so much because Y/n and he had become so close over the time they had known each other.

Macaque hadn't expressed it much, but Y/n had helped him in ways he never thought possible! They helped him overcome his insecurities. They helped him grow more comfortable with touches that didn't involve fighting. Heck, they even helped him become friendly enough to do things like offer a stranger on the street a small smile!

Macaque didn't like the fact that he was unable to help Y/n at the moment. He felt that problems were meant to be solved. He wanted nothing more than to scoop Y/n up and pepper them with kisses. To give them comfort for whatever was troubling them. But he didn't want to scare them off.

The two of them had been friends for so long. Macaque didn't know he could feel this level of love for someone since...him. Even though Macaque knew Y/n long enough to know that he loved them, he didn't know if that was reciprocated.

But it was. Y/n was just as afraid of the idea of Macaque not feeling the same way, so they made their affection as subtle as possible so they wouldn't ruin the friendship. When they first met Macaque, he was so bruised deep inside. Y/n refused to call him broken the entire time they had known him. Because he was so much stronger inside than he ever thought.

But now, Y/n felt much more bruised than they had in a long time. It scared them.

Eventually, everything was cleaned up and put away. Y/n was still sitting at the table when Macaque walked over to them and offered them his hand.

Y/n gave him a confused look. But they trusted him and placed their hand in his. Macaque pulled them out of their chair and led them to the couch. He sat the two of them down and very gently wrapped an arm around Y/n's shoulder to pull them close to him. He leaned them back, and Y/n curled their legs up onto the couch and leaned on him.

The two of them stayed like that for a while, their faces beet red and hearts racing a million miles a second. But eventually, Macaque couldn't handle the silence anymore. He turned his head to look at Y/n, bringing a hand up to hold their face to meet his gaze.

"You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right...?" Macaque whispered the last word so softly that it made Y/n's stomach flip.

They nodded one time. But they knew that kind of response just wouldn't cut it. Y/n sighed and pulled their head away from Macaque's grip.

"I know I can tell you. But I don't even know what I know to tell you. For some reason, I have felt really out of it the past couple of weeks. I want to eat, but I can't. I need to sleep, but I get nightmares. I...I want to hug you, but I am scared."

Not even a second after that last sentence left Y/n's lips, Macaque grabbed them and hugged them as though they would disappear. "You don't have to be scared, Y/n. I...I don't usually do this. Expressing myself, I mean. But with you, it's different." Macaque laughed just a little bit. "I don't usually let people get as close to me as you. I trust you to call me Macaroni. I let you touch me. I...I let myself love you."

At that moment, Y/n smiled wider than they had probably all their life. They pulled away and looked Macaque in his gorgeous eyes. "I let myself love you too." Macaque smiled, and he looked from Y/n's eyes to their lips. Y/n got the hint pretty quickly, and the two of them slowly leaned in.

Macaque and Y/n were a hair away from kissing, but Macaque still mumbled over the thick silence, "Are you sure?" Y/n answered by closing the distance and kissing him. It was short, and they pulled away too soon for Macaque's liking. He pulled them back in but gave Y/n room to break away should they choose to.

They didn't.

Eventually, the pair parted for air. Macaque took Y/n's hands and held a look of love on his face that made Y/n feel like royalty. How many people got to see this side of him? Sadly, not enough.

"I'm willing to work with you on what's bothering you. I can't fix this overnight," Macaque said sadly but smiled as he continued. "But I mean, you helped me. I might as well try and return the favor."

Y/n smiled, kissed one of his ears, and whispered, "I'd like that."

[otter1962crystalball]

A Big Risk

June 12, 2024

Here it is the 12th day of Pride. All of us have been in situations where we are different from others around us. Being any of us in the 2SLGBTQIA+ know this very intimately. We all grow up often hiding our identity, learn to be something that we are not and then struggle to find ourselves once we come to terms with our identity. Here’s a story of where I not only had to deal with my sexual orientation, but also with being positive and living in a place that was culturally very different in which I was us used to living.

In the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, I didn’t really have an identity as a person. Looking back, I was more a shadow of what I could have been. I was surviving or existing and not really living. Other than my time at the YMCA, there wasn’t much else other than the occasional sexual foray, which was fraught with a lot of issues.

I met a man at the YMCA in the sauna. He sat there very shy and began talking to me. I’ll call him “Eddy.” There was no sexual reference, just asking questions. It turns out he was from Québec and was in Toronto to practice his English for his work. We chatted for as long as we could stand sitting in the sauna. We decided to meet again soon.

We developed a relationship quite quickly, but then Eddy had to return to home. I felt there was a lot between us and for the first time in a long time, I actually thought that I could love another person. He visited a couple of times and then invited me to come to Chicoutimi, where he lived. I agreed.

I bought a VIA ticket to Quebec City and my dog, Bailey went with me in a crate in the baggage car. Eddy picked me up and drove me to Jonquière, a small city near Chicoutimi. He was living in a small apartment. It happened to be the middle of winter and it was cold as heck. I can remember walking Bailey in the cold wearing a toque Eddy had given me. It had a babble that moved around. He said it was to keep the snow off your head. He also told me there were toques with longer babbles meant to keep the bugs away. 

I spoke very little French and had people come and ask about my dog. It was really quite scary as I told them about the dog in broken French. Eddy showed me around the area and even took the two of us to a chalet in the middle of the woods. The only access was from snowmobile - unloaded from the truck and then into the woods. Bailey for the most part rode in the sled behind the snowmobile or ran alongside. We spent the night in that chalet with a warm roaring fire and a lot of talk - Eddy’s English had gotten a lot better. On the road home, Eddy got out of the truck to shoot a Ptarmigan (a pigeon like bird). Eddy was half First Nations and was allowed to hunt. He shot the bird, which fell. To my surprise, Bailey ran to fetch it and brought it back. Bailey was a Golden Retriever. It surprised me as her reaction was instinctual.

I want to supply a side note that I hadn’t told Eddy about my being HIV+. We didn’t do anything that wasn’t safe. It was a subject that was wrought with fear - trying to tell someone else.

Back in Toronto, I went on with my life in the subsidized housing (see my blog June 10th called Hope). I volunteered at the YMCA, but other than that I wasn’t working. Eddy visited a couple of times and then asked me to move to Chicoutimi with him. I can remember a dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory where I finally got the nerve to tell Eddy about my status. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. He told me he was fine and still wanted me to move with him.

So, on a late spring day, I backed what I could in Eddy’s van and we moved me to Chicoutimi. The YMCA threw me a little party as well. This move was the beginning of something totally foreign and unknown to me.

Not speaking French was really hard for me. I can remember one of the first days there when the bank machine in the Royal Bank ate my card. There I was, standing with a teller, neither of us able to speak each much in each other’s language all that well. Fortunately before I left, I had purchased a few tapes to practice my French, which did actually helped. The card was eventually retrieved and my life continued.

Life was indeed different. I spent time working at a hunting lodge that Eddy owned. I can remember one old man there got rather annoyed with me for not understanding French. So, that September, I enrolled in French classes at the University of Chicoutimi. I spent two semesters practicing my French and I discovered that I was really good with languages. The next summer, I took more courses on a Canadian grant and continued learning. I rediscovered my love of learning and I decided that I would get my first degree so that I could teach English there.

The story takes a turn here because of Eddy. He was very much in the closet - to his parents and everyone around him. I found out that he had left his girlfriend before I arrived and that was why he was living in that little apartment. When I moved there, he had purchased a house, in which we lived. He told his parents that I was there to learn English. I know that his mother, bless her, knew the truth. Eddy also had a penchant for going out to have sex. I discovered this quite by accident and it really upset me. I felt totally alienated and totally alone in a place that was so different from what I knew. Eddy told me that he had now had a boyfriend in Montreal that he met on his many exhibition tours to promote his camp. So, I packed my things and flew to Vancouver to be close to my sister.

I’ll stop the story here - even though there is a lot more to tell. I’ll continue this tomorrow. For Pride, I am celebrating risks. I took a risk and as you will discover, it paid off in many ways that I didn’t yet know at the time. If I hadn’t taken that risk, my life would have been very different. I might not have even survived - if I had stayed in my subsidized apartment, God knows what would have happened.

Anyway, carpe diem and take those risks everyone!

[luke-r-gillespie]

May 28 - Himeji-jo

Freewriting

I woke up at 8 this morning, took my quiz and grabbed my breakfast bento on my way out the door. I quickly walked to our morning class meeting in the pouring rain (which will remain a constant theme throughout today's blog) before we all departed for Himeji-jo (Himeji Castle.) Luckily, the train rides to Himeji weren't too bad, despite them taking more than two hours collectively (which is more than any other day trip so far.) After arriving in Himeji, it was already noon and still pouring down rain so we broke for lunch inside the station. I ate some ramen which was pretty good for the price (I am trying to stick to Japanese food for the last few days that it is readily available to me.)

After lunch we left the station and began our trek to Himeji-jo in a torrential downpour. Within 3 minutes of being outside, I was soaked to the bone (despite the best efforts of my 7/11 umbrella.) The rain and wind were coming down so hard that they ripped one of my classmates umbrellas off of its spokes. Arriving at the castle's entrance, it was clear why we had travelled such a distance to get here, it was an architectural marvel.

Had it not been for the weather, I think I would have really enjoyed this excursion but the harsh conditions (and the actual pools of water that were at the bottoms of my shoes) made it a little difficult to enjoy myself. Jeans and a T-shirt was clearly not the right wardrobe choice for the day. While at the castle, we visited Sen Hime's room (a well known and revered daughter of an ancient Japanese shogun) as well as other points of interest within the castle. Our exploration of the castle lead us to its top floor, which offered a breathtaking view of Himeji (despite the unfavorable viewing conditions.)

Our final stop at Himeji-jo was an infamous well where a servant was thrown to her death for breaking (or being accused of breaking) a single plate. Legend has it that if your quiet enough, you can still hear her counting up the castle's plates, only to stop at nine out of ten every time.)

Leaving the castle, we retread the deceptively long walk back to the station in the rain before beginning our journey back. The 3 hour journey back from Himeji to Stay SAKURA was brutal, sitting on the train in my soaking wet clothes for such an extended period was extremely uncomfortable. The hot shower after I finally arrived back home, was both life saving and rejuvenating. After resting up for a little, I went to a little dinner place around the corner with Griffin and Rich that was really good.

(We ate more than just this omelet but we scarfed it down so fast that I forgot to take a photo.)

I think the plan for the rest of the night is some guys night karaoke which should be a lot of fun!

Academic Reflection

Today's first reading discussed the role of Japan's Daimyo's in the expansions of castle towns within their domains. Despite widely held historic misconceptions, Daimyo's actually allowed for the peasants and citizens of their castle towns to develop and expand. The Daimyo's would often provide frameworks or assistance when needed, but their role in expansion was dissimilar to their European counterparts who often dominated how their domains would be expanded. The Daimyo of castle towns were often so accommodating that they would be willing to move farms or temples to better fit commoner districts.

Today's second reading focused on the construction of castles in Japan, with a focus on their militaristic applications. Unlike European fortresses of the same era, Japanese castles were built on large hills and mountains, with the walls rising only to the level of the natural landscape. This allowed for varied elevations and easier construction while still allowing the castle to be easily defendable. This was most apparent to me today at Himeji-jo with the various gates and drop offs spanning the castle grounds. The battle of Nagashino had a large impact on the construction of Japanese castles. Most notably, it highlighted the strength of gunner fortifications as the simple musketeer fortifications present at this battle had a major impact on the outcome.

[noses-in-winter]

🌼🌻?

🌻taken by surprise

🌼hitching

Ty for the ask, sorry this took a little over a week to post! Here we have: Dr. Lawrence Sheldon having an emotional episode (actually, kind of a meltdown) in front of his new found family maternal figure Em, all while having a bad cold! She loves him so much and he as an individual feels unlovable :') This is set right after his first breakup and his heart is busted. Essentially, there's a lot of emotional whump in here and also loads of h/c, and crying <3 also sneeze shame because Lor feels a LOT of embarrassment and shame regarding his own nose and sneezing. He’ll feel differently down the line, but for now he’s a wreck over it. 😊

Idk if I’ve mentioned before but Lor is def a he/him nonbinary guy who doesn’t relate to masculinity and manhood, but hasn’t realized that about himself yet. There’s a lot of things he hasn’t realized about himself! 😊

Don't reblog to non-sneeze blogs, thaaaanks

This was weird. It wasn’t bad, but it was weird. 

“Honey, how are you able to be feverish and so chilled at the same time…” Em tutted with a shake of her head, both hands cradling Lor’s cheeks as she spoke. She stood before him as he sat on the edge of the bed; This was probably the only time Lor would ever have to look up to the much shorter woman. He sniffled quietly and kept his gaze down, more than a little afraid of meeting the eyes of someone so very near him. It was ridiculous, but part of him felt like maybe nobody would be able to see how absolutely wrong he looked if they didn’t make eye contact. 

Though, his entire life thus far could prove that nobody needed to look him in the eye to realize how completely homely he was.

“I-...I don’t know. Sorry,” Lor murmured as Em curled her hand to place the back of her fingers to his cheeks. The cool sensation was wonderful on his feverish face, but Lor still felt a pulsing worry that she was going to realize how absolutely repulsive he was any minute now, especially after touching him. “You really don’t have to do anything for me…” 

“Ohh, muffin,” she said softly, fingers beginning to run through his hair. “I know I don’t have to, but I want to. You just think of me as your temporary stand-in mother.” Em said this with a playful upturn of her lips, though the genuine warmth was more than evident in her voice. She noted Lor’s shivering and went to the unfolded luggage rack that had a small stack of cardigans and sweaters. “Do you have a preference for cozy clothes, sweetheart?”

“Oh, um…” Lor sniffled and shook his head. “Any is fine, but, uh...the gray one is my favorite.”

Em retrieved it and brought it back. Lor thanked her quietly as he pulled the cable knit sweater over his head. Emerging from it with disheveled hair, Lor still couldn’t look at her. His greatest fear at the moment was Em suddenly realizing how absolutely terrible he was, and deciding that even she couldn’t manage to be good to him. 

It didn’t always used to be like this. Sure, Lor had always been insecure with a poor self image, but it’s like that had all increased tenfold ever since…

Well. He couldn’t think about that relationship ending. 

Lor took a tissue from the box on the nightstand and folded it beneath his nose as it threatened to drip. Desperate to fill the silence so Em wouldn’t have to be forced to focus on Lor cleaning himself up, he said the first thing that came to mind. “I never got this sort of thing from...my mother…”

Em was quiet for a beat before taking a seat next to him on the bed. The mattress dipped slightly with her added presence, and Lor suddenly found himself sliding closer an inch. Normally he would be perturbed by anyone coming closer when he was clearly in a worse state than usual, but it was like Em always had a bubble of peace and calm and love around her. He wasn’t sure when the last time was that he had ever felt this...comforted. “Oh?” “Yeah, uh…” 

He had talked about his terrible mother to Piper some, both when they dated and when they used to be friends, but not enough to push himself past the point of ‘bitter and angry child’ and into the territory of ‘genuinely hurt and wounded child’. His brother was more of a ‘don’t hang onto the past’ kind of person. Lor was endlessly frustrated with this approach. Maybe it was because his past was so full of bruises that kept being pressed and pressed and pressed enough to keep them from healing even slightly. His brother had always been handsome and sociable and funny and athletic. His brother never had to worry about anyone hurting him.

Especially not the way that Piper had hurt Lor. 

God. The pain in his chest was a searing knife. When was this going to be over? When was he going to be able to think about her without feeling like he was dying? 

Em reached to squeeze his shoulder. Lor startled and looked at her with wide eyes before promptly sniffling, lower lip wobbling as he fought to keep tears back. He had spent years learning to steel himself against crying in the face of being mercilessly bullied, but he had never had to do it in response to someone...being good to him. It just plainly didn’t happen.

“I miss her so much,” he said through tight wheezes, visions of Piper’s face flooding his mind. He fumbled for his inhaler, popping the cap and taking two deep puffs of the medication. Lor squeezed his eyes shut, forcing hot tears to stream down his cheeks. He was feverish and cold and alone in the world, and his tear ducts knew this all too well. 

“Oh, you poor baby…” Em cooed, reaching to hold his face again. Lor finally, finally met her eyes. Her expression was one of ginger, permeating warmth that touched every bit of his aching heart. Why was she being so nice? Why did she care about him? How could she care about him? All these questions swam through his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to move away. Lor closed his eyes again and trembled. “When did she pass?”

“...What?” Lor asked with a sniffle.

Em’s eyebrows were drawn upward in sympathy. She reached for two tissues and began to dry the tears running down his cheeks. “Your mother, honey. How long ago did she die?”

Oh. She thought he was missing his mother. Lor would have let an embittered laugh tumble out of him were his nose not scrunching with a noisy sniffle. He didn’t often get a warning when a tickle was brewing enough to turn into something concerning; Part of his chronic rhinitis keeping him congested a solid chunk of the time also came with a dulled sense of being able to predict when he had to sneeze. Thus, he usually wound up just barely managing to either A) twist away from what he was doing, B) cover, or C) both, when he got extremely lucky. This response was usually activated in kind in public, blessedly, though when he was relaxed or distracted, it wasn’t quite as diligent. His laptop could definitely attest to that. 

Luckily, Lor never really managed to be relaxed around much of anyone, which is what made this moment with Em so...challenging. He was now being given the briefest warning as his nose ran further, and--God, a running nose always--made him--

He fumbled to snatch the tear-stained tissues from Em, yanking them over his nose just as a hitch wheezed out of him. The softness of the mattress compressed beneath Lor with two sibilating sneezes that took him by surprise, hunching his shoulders. “Hh-! Hahh--Hhzz’zhuh! HehhzzHUE!”

The set of sneezes left him thoroughly winded. This wasn’t exactly a difficult feat to accomplish, but the asthmatic astronomer still found himself woozy in the aftermath. Lor tried to sniffle and was unsuccessful. Lungs rattling with a weak exhale, he reached to fumble for the inhaler on the bedside table again. Lor finally opened his eyes and was only able to see through one lens of his glasses; the other was slightly too low after the temple had been jostled off his ear.

“B-..Bless you, pumpkin.” 

He was holding the folded tissues to his nose, and Em’s soft fingers along with it. She seemed startled, but instantaneously started to soothe him before Lor could even force his brain to work long enough to react to his hideous situation.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s alright,” Em cooed softly, easing her hand away as Lor stared at her with wide eyes. “Don’t worry--”

It was like her gentle voice was the button to jumpstart his horrified reaction. Lor scrambled back from her, headboard sounding off a loud thunk! in response to his head knocking against it. “Oh, my God, I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.”

Em shook her head as she slowly reached for him. “Darling, you’re not. I mean it. You’re feeling miserable. You just lost a relationship that was important to you, you’re missing your mother…You’re not disgusting. You’re tired and under the weather. And I’m going to get you taken care of, alright?”

It wasn’t the whole accidentally sneezing in a tissue held by his host thing that made Lor snap. He could have recovered from that with her gentle urging, even if the incident would haunt him before he fell asleep for the rest of his life. It was the soft, gentle promise to take care of him that sent him over an edge that he hadn’t been aware was coming up so fast. It was the straw on the proverbial camel’s back. 

There was no possible way for her to look at what an unlovable human being he was and still want to treat him like this. 

“Let me check your temp, lovebug--”

Lor’s fingers clenched into fists and unclenched rapidly as he squeezed his eyes shut. “Stop being nice to me!” he begged. “Stop--Stop calling me pet names and stop touching me and stop acting like you like me!” 

He couldn’t look at her. Every breath was coming in short, raspy pants that he couldn’t even begin to control. His arms shook as he let out an overwhelmed whimper, thrusting the palms of his hands over his eyes. Lor’s fingers pressed against his forehead and temples, turning the tan skin there to an irritated red. His brain was on fire as he curled in tight to himself with the meltdown--

The pause button was pressed immediately as Em held his cheeks again. Peace flooded his brain like fresh water being poured into oil. It was only then that Lor realized that this had to be magic in her touch; There was no other possible way for an episode to come grinding to a halt. He had spent his whole life trying. His mother had spent his whole life trying, though her harsh methods certainly wound up doing far more harm to him than good. 

This was unlike any calm he had ever felt, even as he continued to wheeze. 

“Use your inhaler, Lory, sweetheart,” Em whispered. “I promise I won’t touch you again after this. I just had to help you fir--” “No, no, I…” Lor sniffled and took two more puffs of his inhaler. The healing medicine helped him breathe again almost instantly, though he was still sounding worse for wear. Another weak whimper completely deflated his body as he leaned into Em’s cool touch. “It’s okay. I-I’m okay with it. It’s nice. I just…"

His nostrils both flared at once. Lor brought the tissues to his face, breath snagging with hitch after hitch as a sharp tickle raged through his sinuses. After several false starts, a low whine rumbled in his throat as he tried to urge the irritation along. “Hnngg…hh! S-Sorry…”

“Shh,” Em said with a shake of her head, rubbing Lor’s opposite arm as his head fell to her shoulder. “You take your time.”

His jaw hung slack with the mind-numbing tingling coursing through his nose. After several long beats of sneezy weightlessness, he was finally able to buckle into his tissues with a sneeze that shook he and Em both as he remained with his head on her shoulder. His nimble knees jerked toward his chest with the release. “HzzZZEUH! Woah…” Lor blushed, sniffling heavily as he mopped up the underside of his nose. “Sorry, th-that was—sdff! Big…”

Em immediately laughed with all the love in the world in her voice. Lor would normally bristle over someone laughing at anything related to his nose, but it was evident that Em was laughing fondly. She raised one hand and dried a sneezy tear from Lor's cheek before pecking his temple. "My goodness. Bless you, sweet thing. That cold’s just got you by the nose and isn’t letting go, mm?” She gave Lor’s arm a slow rub. “Now. What were you saying, love?”

Lor sniffled, lowering the tissues from his face. He leaned into Em’s hold, feeling perfectly enveloped by her warmth and love. “I, um…” He squeezed his eyes shut, chin wobbling as he spoke. “I…I don’t mind being touched by you. It’s comforting, and—and I’ve never had anything like this before. But I feel like I…I don’t deserve it.”

“You feel unlovable,” Em said quietly, thumbing the tears from his cheeks again. “You feel like nobody could ever think that the person you are is worth looking past your appearance. Which, by the way, is darling. I think you’re just as cute as a button, and I’m sure your mother thought you were handsome, too.”

Lor tried to laugh, but all that came out was a sound that seemed to be a mix of a sigh and a sob. “She’s not dead,” he murmured. “I wish. She never…” Fresh tears were streaming down his cheeks every moment. “She never loved me, I don’t think. Never acted like she did, anyway. And, and you being nice is so...weird...because nobody has ever looked at me and thought I was-....w-worth being taken care of…” He sobbed again. “And I try to make myself think that I don’t need anyone to ever love me, but….”

She was patient and quiet as he struggled to get ahold of himself. Lor was sure his teary, dripping face had to be the worst thing she could possibly be seeing, but everything in him was just so...soothed by her energy. 

“But this is really nice…” Lor hiccuped weakly. “And it’s painful, because nobody is ever going to love me enough to--”

“I will.” Em took Lor by the chin and gently raised his face. She looked into his eyes with purpose. “Alright? I don’t care what your horrible mother thinks. I feel everything good inside of you, and that is worth loving. You’ve been hurt, and damaged, and that clouds the way you view the world, but you still aren’t bad. You are a wonderful young man.”

He felt horrible for flinching. Everything she was saying was so special, and unlike anything he had ever heard, but…“Um-...” Lor sniffled and rubbed a tired wrist back and forth beneath his nose. “Maybe, um… Maybe I don’t like being called a-...uh, a-a man…”

Em processed this information for a beat before nodding. Her hands slowly moved back from his face as he began to recover. “Of course. Well, you are a wonderful Lawrence. And I want you to stay here. Alright?” She gave him a small smile, eyes filled with more emotions than he knew were possible to have at once. “I think you’ve spent too long living on your own.”

He blinked slowly through teary eyes. Lor was exhausted and emotional, and the thought of being in a place where he could get warmth like this without even having to ask for it was....too good to be true, right? But, God, still so, so good. 

“...O-Okay,” he said quietly, sniffling as his nose threatened to run again. “...Thank you. Let’s--um, just let me know what rent and utilities and--hih!--hhh--!" Damn all this fucking hitching! His breath snagged for another several seconds before the tickle backed off. Lor let out a shivery breath. "And...And how much all that is..." he murmured exhaustedly.

“Shh, shh, shh.” Em gave his hand a small squeeze before beginning to stand up. Lor was hardly aware of the way she gently urged him down as she spoke, reaching to remove his glasses. “You just think about getting better, my dear. Everything else can wait.”

Lor’s head eased into the pillow. He closed his eyes immediately and felt a heavy weight on them. Em’s next few words barely made sense as sleep so thoroughly consumed him. The last thing he was aware of was the way her fingers remained laced with his, unrelentingly loving. 

With that, Lor promptly slipped into the deepest sleep of his life.

[stardustsides]

What Living is For

Author’s Note: Surprise, it’s a Little Women au! I actually wrote and posted this years ago on my old blog, but I still love it a lot, so I decided to edit it and repost it here. Little Women is one of my favorite stories, and a lot of the dialogue in this fic has been taken directly from the book/movie/musical.

Summary: Patton’s health is failing, and he and Roman pass a quiet afternoon on the beach. (Little Women au, with Jo!Roman and Beth!Patton.)

Word Count: 2251

Content Warnings: Terminal illness, implied character death, discussions of death

~

There was a boy in a wheelchair by the sea.

His head was tilted back, eyes closed and a small smile playing across his face, the breeze gently rolling in off the water. His toes were curled in the sand, and he had a light blue shawl wrapped around his shoulders, one that his mother had knit for him when he was just a baby. A conch shell rested in his lap, his hands carefully placed on top of it.

Roman watched him, clutching a kite with a rainbow tail close to his chest and holding a picnic basket. Patton hadn’t needed a wheelchair before he had gone to New York; yes, he was still frail and ill, but he had recovered. He would again, now, Roman was sure of it. He would. He would.

He slowly approached his brother, feet making indentations in the sand as he went.

“I brought you a kite,” he said softly, when he was merely a few feet away; he didn’t want to startle him. Patton opened his eyes and looked up, and suddenly he was smiling with a radiance as though somebody had lit a candle in his chest. Warmth, as usual, seemed to pour out of him and into Roman, filling his senses like a warm glass of milk on a cold, rainy day.

For a moment, his illness seemed to melt away, and he looked more like himself, save for the gaunt face and bags under his eyes. He looked like the lovely young man he was, no older than twenty, instead of somebody whose light was already beginning to flicker out. His wide brown eyes, partially obscured by his wire-rimmed glasses, held their usual sparkle and kindness, despite the circumstances.

“Roman,” he said, his smile widening, and as soon as he spoke something tugged at Roman’s heart. His voice, steeped in kindness and love and affection, was the equivalent of receiving a warm hug upon coming home. His voice was coming home. Roman couldn’t believe he had ever left.

“I brought you a kite,” Roman repeated, grinning and brandishing it at him. “Look at the tail—it has all the colors of the rainbow! I told the man at the shop that it should have every color for my baby brother.”

“It’s the most beautiful kite I’ve ever seen!” Patton said, running his fingers over the multicolored ribbons, in vibrant shades reds and blues and greens.

“Let’s put it together,” Roman declared, and Patton reached up his arms for Roman to help him down. He felt shaky and weak in Roman’s arms, and slumped against him once they reached the ground, a blue gingham blanket laid over the sand. Patton rested his head on Roman’s shoulder and leaned against him, huddling closer, as the sea breeze was becoming more brisk.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Patton said quietly, his voice nearly drowned out by the sound of the waves and the wind. Roman smiled and wrapped his arm tighter around him.

“You’ve always wanted to come to Cape Cod,” Roman replied. “Is it everything you wanted?”

“And more,” Patton said earnestly. “It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. I only wish you didn’t have to give up your first earnings from your writing to bring me here.”

“Oh, stop,” Roman replied, adjusting Patton’s shawl against the wind. “Anything for my baby brother.”

They fell into a comfortable silence for a moment, listening to the seagulls and the waves, the salty breeze mussing their hair.

“Tell me about New York,” Patton eventually asked softly, drawing circles in the sand. Roman chuckled.

“It’s a circus,” he replied, smiling at the horizon. “It’s never dull like it is back home, and there’s always new people to meet. And,” he paused, “there’s a large foyer in my publisher’s building, with the grandest and most beautiful piano you can imagine in it.” Patton’s face lit up.

“A piano?”

“Yes, and it has flowers carved into the wood, and it’s inlaid with gold—and I told my publisher, I told him: one day, my brother is going to sit here and play this piano, and it’ll be the most beautiful music you’ve ever heard, and everyone in New York will want to come and hear it.”

“I’d love to,” Patton smiled, resting his cheek on Roman’s shoulder.

“I’m going to take you there, one day,” Roman informed him, and Patton’s breath seemed to hitch, just for a split second, before evening out once more.

“I have something for you,” Patton told him abruptly, changing the subject and reaching behind him for the conch shell that was still resting on his wheelchair. “Here,” he said, handing it to Roman. “If you hold it up to your ear, it speaks to you!”

Obligingly, Roman held it up to his ear gently, afraid he might break it. The sound of the sea whistled in his ear, trapped inside the shell. “What does it say?”

A pause. Then:

“We grow up so fast,” Patton whispered, almost inaudibly over the roar of the tide. Roman looked at him for a moment—it shattered his heart to see his brother so melancholic due to his condition. Patton would get better; Roman clung to the belief like a child would with bedtime stories and fairy tales. Still, something raw and sharp scraped within his chest.

A moment of silence passed over them, as fluffy clouds raced across the sky.

“When you were first born,” Roman began, smiling fondly at the memory, “not even an hour old, I told Mother—“

“Patton is mine!” Patton finished for him, giggling. Roman smiled at the vision of a headstrong, bossy young boy first holding his newborn brother. Patton’s big brown eyes had fluttered open for the first time, and he cooed and smiled up at Roman. It was that instant that Roman had declared that Patton was his, his person that he would choose over anyone else in the world.

“Everybody has someone special in the world,” Roman continued, tugging the knit shawl tighter around Patton. “And I have you. My sweet Patton. Give me a task to do.”

Patton thought for a moment, staring out at the ocean, the sea spray blowing in his rosy-cheeked face and tousling his hair.

“Can you read me a story?” he asked, looking up at Roman hopefully, with those earnest eyes of his. “Like you always did when we were little?”

“Of course, Patty,” Roman smiled, turning to dig around in the picnic basket he had brought. “Lucky for you, I brought a whole selection, as I thought you might ask—which one?” He spread out the books on the blanket, and Patton peered at them all, making a goofy show of examining each one and either wrinkling his nose or nodding to himself, weighing his options. At last, he smiled faintly and leaned his head on his shoulder, looking out at the setting sun over the glimmering ocean.

“They’re all good choices,” he said, thinking. “But I think I like it better when you write them yourself. You’re a regular Shakespeare!”

“Oh, Patty, you know that I’ve given up on that, now!” Roman said, his heart squeezing. Patton adamantly shook his head.

“No,” he shot back, a joking smile playing on his face. “I am very sick, and you must do what I say.” Roman barked a laugh, and Patton giggled.

“Please?”

“Alright, alright, anything for little Mr. March,” Roman teased lightly, and Patton playfully stuck his tongue out at him. “What would you like to hear?”

Patton pondered this for a moment, his gaze finally settling on the beautiful, multicolored kite that Roman had gotten him. “Tell me a story about us,” he began. “Flying through the air, as if we’re on a kite.”

Roman smiled warmly at his younger brother’s earnestness. “Very well.” He cleared his throat. “Once upon a time, there was a bold, brave, handsome, chivalrous—“ Patton poked him, smiling. “Almost done—and all around golden boy named Roman March. And by his side, his baby brother Patton March, who, although Roman was great in all aspects, was his better half: sweet, kind, gentle, loving, and talented.” Patton beamed, and his smile seemed to light up the gathering dusk.

“They did everything together—and, one day, when Patton’s brother brought him a kite, they went to go fly it, and they were swept up into the air along with it, floating like birds!”

And so, they embarked on a great adventure, Roman’s words bringing them up, high, high, high above the sand. His inflections swooped and dipped, as if his voice itself were a bird taking flight. He described their astounding journey, how they would be mad and explore high above the rest of the world. Away from everyone and everything, in the sky. Away from Patton’s illness, away from his weakened heart. No, in the heavens there are no illnesses, only the birds who dared to fly as high as the two of them.

“We will pass the days doing only as we please,” Roman said, bringing them back down to Earth by the end of the tale, back down to the blue gingham blanket and the glittering waves crashing against the sand and the seashells that Patton had taken a fancy to, all in a pile, and the reality of their situation. “For that,” he finished, “is what living is for.”

They were both silent for a long time, staring out at the darkened ocean and the sky full of stars above them. Roman could feel Patton shivering against him, and he adjusted his shawl again. At last, Patton spoke.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He said, so softly that he was almost drowned out by the crashing waves.

“Anything.”

“I never made plans,” he began, “about what I would do when I grew up. I never had to.”

“No,” Roman corrected him. “When we were children, I was to be a famous writer, and you a famous pianist, and we would travel together, remember?” Patton laughed lightly and shook his head.

“That was when we were children...and I think you know as well as I do that I am not meant for a life onstage, in front of thousands of people. I never made plans, because I always knew that when I grew up, I would still be with Mother and Father, and I wanted to take care of them.”

“Of course,” Roman smiled. “You’re practically an angel.” Patton smiled, but it faltered again.

“Roman?”

“Yes, Patty?”

“I’m not afraid to die.” Those five words caused Roman’s heart to squeeze, for all of the air to rush out of his lungs, for him to close his eyes tightly and banish all thoughts of the unspeakable happening away. Patton couldn’t die. His baby brother couldn’t die. It was unthinkable. A world without Patton would be a world without mornings, without springtime, just dark, cold, endlessly long nights.

“Don’t—please don’t say that, Patton,” Roman managed to get out.

“Roman,” he said, smoothing Roman’s hair back gently. “I know that it will happen. And I’m not. Really. The hardest part, Roman...it’s leaving you. For I will be homesick for you, even in death.” Roman barely choked back a sob. He grabbed Patton’s hand and held it tightly, like it was a lifeline. The ocean of Patton’s illness threatened to drown them both.

“I won’t let it happen. Do you hear me, Patton? I won’t.” Patton only smiled at him, softly, sadly.

“Some things are meant to be. And I know this is bound to happen, no matter what I do.” Roman choked on his tears. Patton shakily shifted and took Roman’s face in his hands. “But. Some things will never die, like the promise of who you are. Roman, you’re so talented! You can never stop writing, because I know that you’re going to be great. And I’m—I’m so proud of you! And—the memories will never die, either. Even when I’m far, far away from here, you’ll carry me in your heart, and you in mine.”

With his thumb, Patton brushed away the tears trailing down Roman’s cheek.

“All my life,” Patton said, looking at him earnestly with those big brown eyes that had been Roman’s constant companion for all these years, “I’ve lived for loving you. Let me go now.”

And Roman wrapped him up in a hug and cried into his shoulder, and Patton hugged him back, frail and shaky, but also warm and brave and remarkably resilient. And the wind swept up into the star-speckled sky, going high, high, high up, higher than them or the Earth.

~

Roman stood in a publishing company, looking through the window at his first novel being printed and bound and brought into the world. It was real life, and it was fiction. And it was his.

It is the story of him and his brothers.

Their entire lives, from when Roman was a wild boy of sixteen, to now, as he is standing here, in this old, creaky, wooden hallway, watching his future as an author come into the world.

At last, one of the workers handed him his finished novel, with a lovely red leather cover and the title embossed in big lettering on the front with gold leaf. And he hugged the book close to his chest. This was his story. This was his book. This was his dream, coming to realization before his very eyes.

He opened the book.

On the very first page was the dedication.

For Patton.

[hurtmeicantakeit]

trigger warning [suicide, drugs, addiction, emotional, physical and s*xu*l ab*se/r*pe, m*rder]

i haven’t been active on here since forever and since i’m in a pretty bad place right now, i finally downloaded tumblr again. crazy to think i had this blog for about nine years (i started it in 2014 i think), back then i was doing pretty bad, struggled with severe depression, daily self-harming and suicidal tendencies but still had the hope that in two, three years things would be better - turns out i was wrong. a lot has changed ever since, i don’t know if it’s for the better or worse. what i can say - i never imagined my life would be like this. in the last three and a half years, things went downhill. it started in march 2020 when my best friend committed suicide. i’ve always been prone to trying out drugs but so far never struggled with addiction. well, when she died, i couldn’t take it anymore. i began taking opioids and benzos every day, luckily i was able to stop after a couple of months, but started smoking daily and haven’t been able to quit ever since. the longest period of time i managed without was three weeks and that was almost two years ago. at least i’m clean a couple of substances i’ve been ab*sing a lot, nowadays i only smoke weed, drink alcohol and do benzos (if i need them), even though my psychiatrist prescribes me those and once in a while i do take other substances, mainly just for fun though.

during that time i was diagnosed with bpd and ptsd since i could only remember one short term traumatic event from 2016. eventually i started to remember that my parents were ab*sing me emotionally and physically back when i was a child. the bpd diagnosis turned out to be completely inaccurate, instead i got diagnosed with complex ptsd (october 2021). every now and then new memories/flashbacks of being s*xu*lly ab*sed occurred but couldn’t pin down when, where or who the abuser was. a bit later flashbacks and dissociative episodes started to have more effects on the body. i didn’t know what that was and it did scare me, especially since i hate not being in control. mid 2022 i finally managed to go see a doctor for these episodes and they diagnosed me with psychogenic non epileptic seizures.

a bit later, a new memory occurred, but something about it was different, this time, i knew the location. it was my parents’ basement. i spoke to both my therapist and my psychiatrist about the flashbacks and they said it’s likely that it actually did happen. since then new memories have been occurring at least once a week or so. then, my therapist left and i had to adjust to someone unknown. in the beginning, it was okayish but after a short time it felt like she wasn’t the right therapist for me. it didn’t seem like she was listening to me or trying to understand me. after thinking about it for some time, i decided to quit therapy and start looking for someone new, better versed.

march this year i had the first appointment with my current therapist, someone who actually knows what they are doing. i started opening up about a couple of symptoms (which i did before, they were not listening though) and it really seemed like she’s trying to learn and understand. a month ago or so she told me that apparently i do have dissociative identity disorder. even though some symptoms were somehow pointing in that direction, i couldn’t believe it. if i’m being honest, i still can’t. on some days i’m scared i’m lying and simulating, on other days i want nothing more than that it all turns out to be a lie.

it’s weird, for such a long time i thought that i had a great childhood (even though i have amnesia for the years up until i was eleven years old) and loving parents. as i got older, i found out that that’s far from being true. my parents have been abusing me emotionally, physically and s*xu*lly ever since i was a young child. sometimes i wonder if there’s even more they hide. there are so many memories/flashbacks of places i’ve never been to, people i’ve never seen in my entire life. someone from the system implied that our body has been sold and still is. quite often i wake up in the morning just to see the body’s got new bruises, some times c*ts as well. my therapist is assuming that certain things still might be happening during the nights and on the weekends. she started talking about escaping these structures, possible punishments from my families side and protected apartments. so many questions are surfacing along with the flashbacks. what confuses me a lot is the fact that a few of my therapists plus my former psychiatrist suspected that all the kinds of ab*se have been happening in my family for many generations. i’m not sure if i ever mentioned it on here - my aunt (my fathers’ sister) was m*rdered a long time ago, beforehand someone r*ped her. my parents told me when i was around ten/eleven years old and i never questioned it or associated it with my family, but now i wonder if they actually told me the truth or if someone of them had something to do with her death. sometimes i wish i never started digging in my past but the point of no return has been crossed, i cannot go back. it’s hard for me to understand what happened, also because most of the trauma just happened to the body, not to me. most of the time i’m complete denial of both the trauma and the did-diagnosis. it can’t be real and i most certainly don’t want it to be real.

[ceaseless-sandwich]

Mon, Dec 2 2024-

Big changes and coping with the big changes

Hello everybody I haven't been posting originally we went into this thinking that we were going to post frequently but I don't even know where to begin to describe the changes that have happened

If you read the introduction on our page it mentions simon and June those were the two who wanted to start this blog the idea was that Simon was even going to perhaps start live streaming sometime and do his own thing.

I then made my post about being sick because I was the one fronting when we were sick I made that post as a one-off type thing I didn't even give out my name thinking that it was so unimportant and that I didn't matter enough to even begin to name myself but in many ways also I had this slight fear of not being I guess unique I had this fear that if I was honest about who I was that it would just make us look absolutely ridiculous like I don't know Simon's introduction mentioning that he really likes the Magnus archives and then that being followed up by a post of HEY GUYS IT'S ME JOHN I'M REALLY SICK felt really awkward and I honestly was even kind of shameful of the fact that I even am a fictive.

,even then saying that word kind of makes me feel gross I don't think of myself as that I like to think that I am my own unique person but there is still that level of shame and I didn't want to think of it I wanted to ignore it because I just thought I didn't matter I then figured out that I actually do have a pretty important role in the system not just me but other members as well being sick give us a lot of time to think of a lot of things and starting that journey of healing cutting off toxic people and accepting that trauma happened and it's going to continue happening but we just need to move forwards , then something weird started happening well where does the wrong word it's just I started fronting more often but then I started noticing that I would pick up particular things that Simon normally does example is a very common thing for him to say is ""I'm losing my marbles"" and I noticed that I started picking that up or just general speech patterns and this kind of worried me because I knew what was happening I just didn't want to face it until one day I woke up and realized he isn't here and I'm different I feel different I'm acting different I look different I mean but there's something just I'll just say it straight up there was a fusion I never knew how fusion would feel and I always heard about it from people the concept of two members becoming one or even multiple becoming one I thought that it was something that wouldn't happen to us and not like this I thought I would be able to know it was happening and I guess prevent it in a weird way Simon wrote A lot in our journal and a journal page I think back to is when his talking about the concept of fusion and in there he says something that I think really describes how I feel right now and the sort of shame that I almost feel but what was written was

""who am I to force fusion or to fight against it for a long time I believed that I was important and I started looking at members like numbers I started categorizing People based off of their jobs and if they're truly important but then I realized what if someone looked at me that way what if I wasn't respected and there was somebody putting me on that scale comparing me to other members deciding if I truly am important enough to stay or just something that needs to go away am I something that should be preserved and protected or am I something that hinders healing I've been thinking about this a lot""

finding that journal page it hit me really hard because that's how I felt I had this feeling of why am I allowed to continue and almost consume him he's been around since 2012 what gives me the right to be important enough to put on top of this when I spoke to a friend about this their response was ""why would you do this to him"" I didn't want this but also it's important this happened this is healing but it's painful?

He knew the sort of thing would happen someday I read it in plain text ""I want to leave my mark and do my best so my I guess predecessor can continue healing using the foundations I'm building"" I guess in many ways that's me. It isn't death I don't know why people look at it and that sort of way having that friends say to me WHY WOULD YOU KILL HIM makes me feel horrible and disappointed in people because I didn't kill anybody that's not how any of this works we aren't people where splits I didn't commit a crime and also he isn't gone it's just a part of me now I just have his memories and yes different I'm different I have a different name I look different but what made him more important than me the answer is nothing because like he said and iterated time and time again we shouldn't be putting people on scales and antiquating their purpose based on their role or how long they've been around

I don't know if any of this was really worth typing honestly or I guess speaking I do use speech to text but I needed to get this out is posting it publicly on Tumblr a good thing I don't really know but saying it felt nice this is probably all really wordy and hard to understand but I truly just needed to get this written down and I don't have the strength right now to even pick up a pen and begin to journal it kind of makes me feel like a thief with that person said did really affect me

That's all for now thank you for reading I hope everyone has a nice day-John

[fourkisses]

i stare at the crash (it actually works) ✷

a cs55 written-smau series where . . .

carlos sainz signs with porsche after getting ditched by ferrari only to find himself in a heated rivalry with his teammate, the only female driver on the grid. oh, and did i mention she's also his ex-girlfriend?

pairing: carlos sainz x fem!porsche driver!reader

warnings: sexist comments from haters, swearing (a lot of swearing)

a/n: i don't have that much knowledge regarding the technical aspect of races; i just watch cars go vroom vroom (heheh) sooo if there is something here that is not accurate then 1) i am truly sorry; and 2) for the sake of the fic let's just pretend it's true 🤝🏻 also this is my first work so welcome to my blog ig ????

ᯓ★ PART ONE: THE STARE

porsche.motorsport

liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, and 283,932 others

porsche.motorsport All set for some high-speed action. #SpanishGP

👥: carlossainz55, yourusername

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chiliracing we're almost halfway thru the 2025 calendar and i still can't process carlos in porsche

sainzsauce girl i can't even process porsche in f1

porschegirlie double podium plsplsplspls 🤞

ynlover let's get that bag @/yourusername !!!

user1 why is a girl even in f1

ynbabes why are ppl like u even on this planet

sharleclair i miss carlos in ferrari 🥲

4everpapaya are we just going to ignore the fact that these two are on each other's throat since the beginning of the season like they're not teammates

aninchident porsche is the new alpine 👍

lovinggasly @/aninchident girl 💀💀

mrshamilton44 fanfic worthy me thinks 🤭

smoothoperator @/mrshamilton44 so true 😵 i need an enemies to lovers trope, slowburn romance, she fell first he fell harder fanfic with a 24k wordcount

saint55 ✨ carlos home race win ✨

shesayshesays carlos is with porsche?!

Lap No. 56 • Place: 4th

“What the fuck?”

Sainz exclaimed to his race engineer in confusion as he exits the pit lane. He starts zooming into the track, now past the Mercedes who is—was—in third place.

A low static was heard before a voice from the other side of the line spoke. “Yeah, um, that was a five second penalty for crossing the white line when you entered the pit earlier.”

“And Y/N was the one to report?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yep, she said she thinks you went off limits so they reported it.”

“Fucking hell. What is she, the FIA rulebook or something?”

His race engineer can sense the frustration in his voice. “I agree that was not a move we appreciate especially coming from her but we gotta keep our head in the race. It's already said done so we just got to keep pushing, okay?”

Carlos can only sigh in defeat. “Yep, okay. Copy,” he responds. Then, he let go of the button.

He continues to get his wheels hot on the track. 263. 289. 310. Right now he really is just ramming the pedal with a force he don't know he physically could be capable of until this moment.

Well, one can suppose anger really works wonders, especially for a guy like him who was supposed to be leading the damn race right now.

To get things straight, he isn't mad because of the penalty per se. He knew it was his mistake. Carlos is mad because of the fact that his own teammate, you, would be the one to snitch on him.

But who is he kidding? This animosity between the two of you has only been growing since the day you locked eyes with one another in the Porsche executive room a few months ago. People think it's because of your competitive nature. The real reason behind it though, well, only the two of you knows.

He sharply steers his wheel to the right, attempting to overtake by going for the inside. Come turn 10 and he is now speeding past the papaya-colored car that was in front of him earlier, earning P2 along the way.

Finally. He can see the back of your car now. Ten more laps and it will all be over.

He momentarily lets go of the gas pedal.

A second.

Two.

Three.

Then, he slams his foot back onto it.

Lap No. 58 • Place: 2nd

Of course he catches up.

You looked at your side mirror and the image of his car only seem to get bigger and bigger as seconds pass by.

“How much is my gap from Sainz?” you asked. Static crackles in your ear before you got a response.

“One point five seconds,” your race engineer answered.

Close, but not quite. Only eight more laps.

“Okay, copy.”

“Y/N, Carlos is mad. Said he did not appreciate what you did with the report back there.”

“It's his own fault. He made the error, he should face the consequences.”

“Just warning you to be safe; he is hot on your tail as of the moment.”

“Sure, thanks.”

You release your hold of the radio button and once again looked at your side mirror. It doesn't look like one point five seconds if you're being fucking honest. In all actuality, it looks like he's about to slam his nose to your rear any time now.

Except you won't let him, no.

Lap No. 66 • Place: 2nd

You manage to hold him off for the past seven laps despite him closing in fast due to the soft tyres he got when he pitted earlier. It's the last lap and he's only half a second behind you. Wait, scratch that. He's still half a second behind you. You continue to defend the inside, knowing that it's what he always goes for when overtaking.

You enter the last sector with a newfound sense of pride. You can almost see the checkered flag now. Almost taste the sweet, sweet victory on your tongue. But then. But then shit happens.

You don't know how the fuck, but Carlos is now wheel to wheel with you after turn 13.

Fucking soft tyres. Can't compete with a soft tyre when I have a medium one which hasn't been replaced in the past 28 laps!

You turn your head to his direction only to see him already looking at you. Even with a helmet on, you can see, feel, his smirk. His very, very insultingly sexy smirk. You never got the urge to smash his pretty face more than right now. And then, just then and there, he does something very very unexpected: he waves at you.

The next thing you know, you're in the DRS zone, he overtakes you by going for the outside, and he's the new race leader. On the last turn. Of the last lap. And then and then and then, like a dream come true, except the dream is actually a nightmare: he gets to the checkered flag first.

He wins.

And you lose to him.

Again.

f1

liked by porsche.motorsport, saint55, and 3,283,828 others

f1 Smooth operator gets the trophy on his home race! 🏆

This marks Carlos Sainz's first win this season 💪

#F1 #Formula1 #SpanishGP

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f1thusiast HOLY SHIT THAT LAST FEW SECONDS WAS WILD 🤯

saint55 i fucking manifested this !!!!!!

mysf LETS GOOO FORZA FERRARI SEMPRE 🗣️

leclercsgf girl???????

mysf porsche doesn't have a tagline so 😭

ssilverstonez tHAT WAS A CRAZY ASS RACE

taycieluvbot i js know admin had to edit this last second 😭

verstoppens THE BEST RACE ENDING I'VE WATCHED IN YEARS 🔥🔥🔥

ynismybae Y/N was robbed button >>>>>

user1 good thing he beat that girl 👍👍👍 she doesn't belong there 🤮

ynbabes hOW ABOUT I BEAT YOUR MISOGYNISTIC SEXIST ASS

fiftyfive his adios to y/n before driving past her 💀

lilmissporsche porsche double podium yesss !!!

sincerelysainz FINAFUCKINGLYYYYYY

Circuit de Barcelona-Catalunya • 05:33 PM

It's been almost six hours after the race. The energy in the paddock has since died down. The fans and audience already went on with their lives and only a few engineers and mechanics are walking to and from their starting points and destinations.

You, however, are still here. You walk under the orange-colored sky, taking in the mesmerizing hue of the natural canvas above you. The warm, gentle breeze softly kisses your face. You think of the race. Then the previous race and the one before that. The season. Your future. Your past. You think of everything and anything and inevitably end up thinking about . . . Ugh.

And of course, as if he read your mind, his figure—one so familiar to you you even see it vividly in your dreams sometimes—catches your eye.

There he was on a secluded corner, standing tall and... not alone. Even with the veil of the dusk, you can still see some action going on, like: 1) how his hands are frantically moving; and 2) how his lips, the lips you used to call home, is on another woman's.

Classic Sainz Jr.

You are about to look away when, like a really really sick joke, his eyes meet yours.

Okay, time to go!

Except you can't. Because, because... you don't know. You just can't.

So instead you act unfazed. Unbothered. Moisturized. In your lane. You may have lost in the race but you will win this IDGAF war.

You raise a brow at him. What? Do I look like I care?

You see the corner of his lips rise to form a smirk. That very insultingly sexy smirk. Then, he continues to kiss the girl in front him, all while never breaking his eye contact with you.

Jesus. He is enjoying this shit.

You roll your eyes and turn your heels away from where he stands. You resume walking towards the hotel where you should've been minutes ago.

You start to think once more. The race, the previous one, and the one before that. Your future and your past. Anything and everything. Then you think of him again. The man who stole your win. The boy who broke your heart.

God, he's such a dick.

next part →

[buckys-little-belle]

Cafe BigNSmall - Bucky Barnes (Chapter Three)

Blueberry, Cookies, Confessions, Tears, and Mean Men

Bucky x Little!Reader (She/Her pronouns used)

Warnings - Angsty beginning, fluffy end, brief and not at all detailed talks of loosing loved ones, talks of food, cookies specifically, lots of tears, I cried writing this, just so adorable it’s emotional. I did not edit this completely, I will say that.

Word Count - About 2.5k

Note - I am so so SO sorry that it has taken me over two months to get this part out. Life has been a wild and crazy ride lately but here I am with this part. Thank you to EVERYONE who has stuck by my side in this drought of inspiration and writing. I love all of you so so much and I hope you enjoy!

SFW - Please keep all interactions with this fic and this blog SFW

- - - - - -

Y/n went to the cafe everyday, hoping Bucky would come back sooner than he said he would. She was there from opening to closing, her mental health declining as she put being at the cafe above anything else.

On Monday she got a pink cake pop, her only money, a $5 bill from her wallet now used. The $1.50 in change jingled in her wallet as she walked towards her usual table. The whole day her colouring book was opened to the same page, Bucky’s crayons scattered across the table as she tried to focus on the book instead of the empty feeling in her chest. His black crew neck was worn over her usual overalls, the sweater providing some sense of hope that Mr would be back.

On Tuesday she just got an apple juice, 5 cents was left, her wallet now almost empty. She knew you had to buy something if you wanted to stay, so she dreaded the next day, but she hoped that maybe if she put her remaining change in the tip jar it would earn her the privilege of staying. As she sat at the table, fiddling with the sleeves of Mr’s crew neck, her head racing in circles, a man approached her.

He was tall, his hair brown and eyes stern. “Hi there.” He said, his voice low and slightly intimidating.

“‘m hi.” Y/n responded, pushing her juice slightly to the side so she could get a full view of the man in front of her. He was tall, his hair messy and crooked, an unnerving smile was cemented on his face.

“I’m Rumlow, I know Bucky.” He said, his voice seeming to drip maliciously. “Just thought I would stop by and see the girl he’s always talking about.” He said as he sat down in the booth seat opposite to her, like Bucky always did.

“He talks about me?” Y/n smiled, confused but happy that he had mentioned her to his friends.

“Yes.” Rumlow said excitedly, before his face fell. “Always says that someone named ‘bub’ is so clingy and annoying! That she just bothers him all the time, apparently he wants to find a little, but, well she just won’t let him go.” When Rumlow finished talking a vile smile grew on his lips, his eyes waiting for Y/n to cry, longing for the hurt that he would inflict.

“He said dat?” Y/n asked, part of her shocked that Mr, her Mr, would say something like that, but then again she felt like things were too good to be true.

“Yes, but I can’t believe he said it about you!” Rumlow exclaimed.

Y/n hummed, looking out the cafe window, her eyes drifting to the spot that Bucky was standing at before he left, his face contorted on the phone as he spoke to someone on the other line. A million thoughts ran through her head, ‘maybe he looked mad because he didn't like her’, ‘maybe he was complaining about her to someone’, ‘maybe …’. The thoughts just kept coming.

“Will you see Mr anytime soon?” Y/n practically whispered as she gathered her things up, placing things into her backpack.

“I will actually see him later today, why?” Rumlow inquired.

Y/n slippe the hoodie off her body, and crumpled it up. “Can you give him dese things? Please?” Y/n pushed the sweater and the box of crayons towards Rumlow, a few tears gathering at her waterline.

Bub didn’t even see if he had nodded, let alone has verbally confirmed he would return the items to Bucky, she just walked, basically ran, out the door.

Her venture home was short, just a 10 minute walk to her apartment then up a flight of stairs, but when she reached her apartment and opened the door her head sank. The counters were still messy from making cookies, days ago, her clothes were on the floor from when she panicked and couldn’t find her green overalls. Walking towards her bedroom she also noticed how her few stuffed animals were on her floor, clearly hurt from her distant behaviour.

Instead of taking some time and cleaning up she slipped off her backpack and crawled into bed, her few tears turning into sobs.

- - - - - -

Bucky on the other hand was currently on a plane back to Avengers headquarters, his heart racing as he watched the minutes pass, worried that the cafe would close before he could see bub.

It was Tuesday, but he wanted to show her that he would keep his promise of coming back, that he would even come back early when possible.

A blue bunny sat in his lap, his hands playing with the ears as he zoned out, imagining the smile on bub’s face. This was a blue bunny just like her purple one named, beautifully, purple grape. It was the one she wanted, blueberry, she had already named him.

Bucky was shocked when he walked around downtown italy, very pretty but busy, as he waited for the team to be ready to go. The bunny sat in a window of a shop, the thing so darn cute, immediately reminding him of bub.

“You ready Buck?” Steve said, tapping Bucky on the shoulder and pointing towards the now open plane door.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” He blurted, clearly off his game.

As the team unloaded themselves and their luggage from the plane Nick Fury and a few other people walked towards them, positive affirmations leaving their lips the second they were in earshot of the superheroes.

Rumlow on the other hand had a suspicious smirk on his face as he walked towards Bucky, Steve, and Sam. “Met your girl Bucky.” He said in a sly tone. “Don’t think she likes you much.” He chuckled, his hands pulling his own backpack off his back and towards the floor. “Gave me some things that needed returning.”

Bucky watched as Rumlow pulled his black crew neck from the bag and handed it to him, Buck immediately took it, bub’s scent immediately filling his nose. Before he could even say anything Rumlow handed him the box of crayons.

“Looks like she doesn’t love ya anymore huh.” Rumlow lowly laughed, the men around him chuckling as well.

“What did you do Rumlow?” Bucky growled, immediately angry at the situation playing out in front of him.

“Just told her the truth Bucky.” He howled as he looked around at the small, supportive, crowed that had gathered around him.

“Which is?” Sam interjected, him and Steve just as angry as Bucky, knowing how much bub meant to him after the past few days of her being the only thing he would talk about.

“Oh just that people like her are hard to deal with and, well useless.” He laughed. Bucky seethed, his face red and fists now clenched. “I did you a favour big boy, don’t sweat it.”

That last line was his last straw, he stormed off the tarmac, not even turning back to grab his bags as he walked towards the main building. The blue bunny securely held in his hands as he went to make right this situation.

“Bucky!” He heard Steve and Sam both call. The two of them following in toe with their bags and his, ready to help him fix what was broken.

“What are you going to do?” Sam asked, the three of them stopped in a big tactical room that then led to a main lounge room.

“What do you think I’m going to do? I’m gonna get her back!” Bucky seethed once again, his heart racing as thoughts went through his mind. ‘She hates me’, ' I didn't do enough’, ‘What if I had …’.

“Bucky you don’t even know where she lives.” Steve reasoned. “You just know what building she lives in.”

Sam nodded, the two men looking at Bucky with such pity it made him even more frustrated. “Then look it up!” He boomed. His patience worn thin and his worry through the roof.

“Bucky, we can’t evade her privacy like that.” Sam cautioned.

“You don’t understand!” Bucky insisted, his eyes now gathering tears, a sign of true worry that spoke volumes to the men around him.

“Don’t understand what?” Steve asked cautiously.

“She’s, she’s a little okay. She regresses to cope with her hard life.” He paused, taking a deep breath and wiping at his eyes. “When we first met I thought it was a casual regression like most people, something they do in their free time.” He paused again. “But when she gave me cookies, horrible cookies, I realized she was most likely regressed more than she was in a mature mindset.” Tears began to pool in his eyes once again. “I looked her up, her parents were famous and incredible writers who ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. She’s lived on her own ever since, and I just think she stays regressed to cope with what’s going on. I don’t know what she will do if she’s not only distressed but extremely confused by what Rumlow said.”

“Buck, I'm sure she’s fine.” Sam said. Steve on the other hand stood in silence, he was well versed in regression, and he knew how dangerous it could be to leave a little alone when they were so far into their emotions. He had learned the hard way and wasn’t ready to let Bucky go through what he had once gone through.

“I can’t be the reason something happened, I can’t.” Bucky sobbed as he stood up and grabbed his jeep keys off a table, his tears racing down his face as he stared at his two best friends who stood in front of him. “I have to go.”

Steve nodded. “I will look up where she lives okay, and I’ll text the address to you. Just please drive safely.”

- - - - - -

Bucky stood outside of her apartment, his hands at his side, one grasping the blue bunny he somehow still had with him.

He knocked on the door once, waiting to hear any movement on her side. When he heard nothing he decided to knock a little louder, yet once again he heard nothing. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and texted her.

Bub, I’m here, I really want to talk, I’m so sorry.

He heard the ding of her phone seemingly come from right beside the door in her apartment. He knew she wasn’t standing with the phone, he would have heard her, super soldier hearing and all.

He took a chance and tried the door knob, when it fully turned and allowed him to open the door a part of him broke, she hadn’t even taken the time to lock the door in any way.

Taking a step in he was immediately met by her green backpack, still closed, her water bottle open and leaking on the floor. He picked the bottle up, and closed the front door. “Bub?” He spoke, hoping for some sort of answer.

He heard her breathing pick up in the other room, a clear indicator that she knew he was there. “I’m just going to pick up some things out here so I can get to you okay?”

He heard her whisper an “okay” from the other room. His heart broke more at her sense of utter defeat. He placed the water bottle on the counter and picked up her bag, placing it on a hook near the front door. The bag was slightly wet but he didn’t think much of it.

He slowly made his way towards her bedroom door, pausing as his hand laid in the handle, a wave of doubt washing over him. When he finally opened the door he was met with a dark room, no lights turned on and a sense of sadness filled the room. Y/n was laid on the edge of her bed, her body curled up in a ball.

Bucky’s tears came back full force when he saw her. “Hi bub.” He whispered as he bent down beside the bed and placed his hand on her back.

She turned around to face him, her tears still falling and her eyes swollen. “‘m sorry.” She sobbed.

Bucky immediately wrapped his arms around her, engulfing her in his warmth. “No no, bub I’m so sorry he said those things. I never said that, I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

“Really?” Y/n mumbled, her tears still rolling down her new puffy cheeks.

“Yes, bub you mean so much to me, I don’t want any other little okay? When I walk into the cafe I want your smile to be the first one I see, I want to hear your laugh as long as I live and I want you to come to me when things are wrong. I love you.” He cried, his chin resting on the top of her head, slowly she pulled away and rested her forehead on his. The two of them still crying. “And I really want to teach you how to make good cookies.” He chuckled.

Y/n pulled away a frown plastered on her face as well as a new round of tears. “You dibn’t like my cookies?” She sobbed, her wide eyes staring right back into Buckys.

“Bub, you didn’t add any sugar, I loved them because they came from you, but I didn’t like, the way, they tasted. I’m so sorry.”

Bub smiled. “Dat’s good enough.” Bucky smiled back, a small chuckle leaving his lips. “Can you lay down please?” She whispered, scooting herself back from the edge of the bed.

“Sure.” He whispered back, taking his coat off quickly as he crawled in behind her pulling her towards himself.

“Dat’s better.” She sighed. “You’re ‘eally warm.”

“That’s good, maybe next time you get cold you can close the windows.” He suggested. She shook her head as she nuzzled her head deeper into his chest. “I actually have something for you bub.”

“‘s it a pony?” She sleepily asked, very serious about her enquiries.

“No, it’s not a pony.” He chuckled, reaching towards her night table to grab the blue bunny. “Here.” He tucked it in between the two of them.

“Tanks for picking her up.” She mumbled.

“What?” Bucky laughed confused, he thought this one was a boy bunny named blueberry, but maybe she had changed her mind.

Y/n sat up quickly, looking at the floor where her purple bunny laid and then at the one in her arms. “What?” She screeched. “‘s blueberry!”

“I picked him up for you when I was away.” Bucky smiled, proud of the reaction he got that radiated pure joy.

“Can you stay forever?” Bub asked, tears once again falling down her cheeks.

Bucky reached up and swiped a few away. “I will never go anywhere.” He said, his arms once again pulling her into him. “I’m yours.”

“Otay.” She sighed. “Does dat mean you’ll buy me a pony?” She questioned.

“Not yet, maybe a cat.” He reasoned, hoping he would never have to buy her an actual pony, but making a mental note to take her to the petting zoo he saw a few days ago.

“Yes!” She squeaked as she snuggled back into him.

[introvert--weeb]

Hello! Hooe your having a nice day! So please hear me out! Can i request for Mikey, draken, mitsuya,nahoya, ran,rindou,hanma,and baji with a sweet s/o but have a brutal threat to someone with sweet smile and said " were enjoying our day... Can you please kindly fuck off before i lose my cool and chop your dick/rip your ovary? " when someone interrupt them in date by flirting with either of you

Gotta get some jealous vibes on this blog one way! I love this idea! I hope you don't mind that I edited the line a little for each scenario so I don't end up writing the exact same dialogue over and over again

Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy it!!

--

Mikey, Draken, Mitsuya, Nahoya, Ran, Rindo, Hanma, Baji on a date that gets interrupted

TW: mentions of threats, language, jealousy, cringe-y insults that authour has made up based around the prompt :)

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Mikey

It had all started off as a normal date between the two of you. Mikey had insisted that you both visit this new dessert cafe that had opened up not that long ago in Shibuya. He had been saving it as a date idea and resisted the urge to demand Draken to take him. It was torture for the sweet-tooth but it would be worth it when you both could experience it together.

You were as equally as excited as your boyfriend. It had been months since you were both able to just go on a date alone. After all, every other time someone who always show up and it would quickly devolve into a hang out session. Today though, Mikey had made sure to express how this time was just between you and anyone who dared interrupt will be dealt with. Sounds threatening but it mainly meant they would have to make it up to the two of you by buying bag loads of desserts for a week. Childish but effective.

It wasn't long until you were both seated at a table, one that was directly by the window. You couldn't believe how perfect this place was! The tables held a menu that was shaped as a crepe and even the napkins that were available had desserts printed along the surface. It was just so cute!

Nothing could do anything to ruin this date for you. You both ordered your favourite desserts (Mikey had to order something other than dorayaki and so simply ordered ice cream) and were now just waiting for the order to be brought over. All was well in the cafe.

That was until a girl around your age had approached the table. At first, you thought she might know Mikey or was maybe one of Emma's friends who simply wanted to say hi. However, that was quickly thrown out when she began to flirt with your boyfriend, twirling a strand of light brown hair around her finger. You simply watched, anger bubbling dangerously in your chest and you had to keep yourself from beating her ass. She must know you were there, after all, you were right beside her.

"Can you please stop flirting with my boyfriend?" You forced a dangerously sweet smile on your face. "We are enjoying our date. So please kindly fuck off before I rip your ovaries from your body," your tone didn't match your words. Every word was dripping in honey yet your eyes screamed 'murder'.

Mikey couldn't hold back his grin from how you threatened the girl. He knew you could be intimidating but this threat was something that amused him immensely. Rip her ovaries out? Over simply trying to flirt with him? Well, he sure couldn't get any more smug. You loved him that much, huh?

"Wow Y/N, never knew you could be so intimidating," the blond joked, amusement glinting in his dark irises. You simply blushed, feeling a little embarrassed but mainly proud of yourself.

The two of you continued on with your date as the waiter brought your desserts to the table. You couldn't have asked for a better day with your Mikey.

Draken

Draken had suggested that you both go to the beach for the day since the weather was so warm. You had packed a picnic for the two of you, wearing cute swimwear underneath a f/c t-shirt and shorts. Slipping on a pair of sandals, Ken had arrived not too long after and you were both off on your way to your destination.

You had both found the perfect spot and set up the towels. Draken simply threw his shirt off as he was already wearing his swim shorts, while you began to strip yourself of the outerwear. Your boyfriend couldn't stop staring once he realised how good you looked in the swimwear.

However, he wasn't the only one to notice and in fact, a group of boys had taken notice and were ogling at your now exposed figure. Draken nor yourself noticed and continued to enjoy your time together. After all, this was quite rare nowadays since Mikey would take up a lot of the blond's time. You didn't mind, it just made days like this extra special and much more enjoyable.

Ken had offered to grab the two of you drinks from the beach stall not too far from where you were situated. You were appreciative for the offer and asked your boyfriend to grab you your favourite cold beverage. He agreed before placing a soft kiss to your forehead, standing up to complete the errand.

It hadn't even been two minutes since the tall blond had left your side before one of the boys had approached you. If it wasn't for the cocky attitude that practically oozed out of him, you would have waved him off with a smile and an apology. In fact, you had tried. He just seemed to be incapable of taking no as an answer or accepting that you were with Draken and that's who you were going to remain with.

Speaking of Draken, he was beginning his way back to where you were, cold beverages in his hands. Everything seemed fine until he noticed the boy trying his hardest to flirt with his partner. No. He wasn't going to have that. And so your boyfriend began his march over to the towel, ready to smash his fists into this idiot's face once he had handed you your drink. However, as he got close enough, his anger and jealousy dissolved into pure amusement.

"Right, this obviously isn't getting through your stupidly thick skull," a heavy sigh indicated how annoyed you had become. "I am enjoying my date with my boyfriend and I really don't need you ruining it. Now, kindly fuck off back to wherever you crawled out from before I chop your dick off and ram it down your throat!" The smile that accompanied your words was too sweet for the threat. It was as if two personalities were clashing together in this one moment.

The boy, now scared for his own safety, was quick to scurry back to his friends. Draken watched before taking his rightful place at your side once again. Cold beverage now handed to you, he opened his own before taking a large mouthful. It cooled him down instantly and a breath of relief was released.

"So... About you threatening that boy..." Draken couldn't stop the smirk that tugged at his lips as your face instantly burned a bright pink. He was going to enjoy teasing you about this.

Mitsuya

The two of you were hanging out at the park with Luna and Mana. Takashi had invited you with him since the girls were asking about playing with you again. Ever since you both started dating, you had grown close to the two small girls, almost acting like an older sibling in some ways.

Luna and Mana were playing on the play equipment while you and Takashi were relaxing on a nearby bench, keeping an eye on the two young children. An arm around your shoulder as the two of you conversed about your weeks. You had a simple week so far; school and homework, while Mitsuya spoke about his Home Ec Club and the basics of his Toman life.

The date couldn't have been going any better, in your opinion. You were spending much needed time to unwind and be around the sweetest boy you knew. There was very little that could ruin this date, right? Well, Takashi had left the bench to make sure his sisters were entertained and safe. You had told the boy that you would watch over his jacket and bag, a soft smile directed in his direction before he went onto the playground.

Moments later and Takashi looked over towards where he had left you with his belongings. He was expecting to see you maybe scrolling through your phone or even looking over to watch the siblings. However, the sight that greeted him caused his blood to boil slightly and his jaw to clench. Some random boy had decided to begin flirting with you and it looked like you were quickly getting fed up with the advances. Telling Luna and Mana that he was going to check on you, he began to make his way back to you.

"C'mon beautiful! Just give me a chance!" Even his voice was starting to grate on Mitsuya's nerves. If he carried on, Takashi would not hesitate to teach him a lesson, even if it went against his more peaceful ways.

"Listen. For one, I don't know you nor do I wish to get to know you. Another thing, I have a boyfriend and we are currently on a date so he should be back soon. Finally, please fuck off before I rip off your nuts and use them to feed the damn squirrels!" You smiled softly at the boy, your eyes glinting with actual intent on carrying through with the threat. That was enough to scare the boy and for Mitsuya to chuckle to himself.

He understood how vicious you could get when you used your words. It was what had first got him to notice you after all. Internally, he was still seething at how the boy had tried to take what was his, but outwardly, the lilac-haired male gave you a soft smile and sat back down next to you.

Nahoya

Of course the two of you would be hanging out at the arcade. After all, you were both competitive and would settle disagreements with games. The current disagreement had came to be settled with a game of House of the Dead, a zombie shooting game. You would both take a turn and then whoever had gotten the furthest into the game would win this argument. Sure it was costing you more than if you were playing casually but this was your pride on the line here.

Currently, you were winning and Nahoya was refusing to back down. It got to the point where Smiley had dragged you away from the House of the Dead machine and decided this disagreement would be decided through the basketball hoop games. After all, he was much better at this than the shooting games. You just agreed, now enjoying the time you both were spending together as well as how desperate your boyfriend was becoming.

This had quickly evolved into a date, no matter how much Nahoya was insisting it was to settle the disagreement. In fact, he was enjoying himself and kept dragging you from one game to another. At this point, neither of you could remember the initial disagreement that started your trip to the arcade.

Collecting armfuls of tickets, your boyfriend had suggested you both head over to the prize counter to cash them in for a prize that you both could enjoy. And so you made your way to the counter where a girl a little older than you was stationed, looking bored out of her mind. That was until she had caught sight of Smiley. In an instant, she had gone from bored to cheerful and more than happy to help.

Nahoya had allowed you to choose the prize since, although he hated to admit it, the majority of the tickets were yours. However, your answer on what prize you wanted had fallen on deaf ears. In fact, this girl seemed too busy ogling at your boyfriend and trying to appear as appealing as she could. Not that Nahoya noticed.

You tried one more time only to be met with the same result. Part of you wanted to beat this girl's face yet the other part found yourself proud that you had been the one to get someone as desirable as Smiley. However, this was quickly dissolving into jealous anger as she reached across and 'accidentally' brushed against Nahoya's hand as she took the tickets he held. "Oops, sorry~!" Her voice was getting on your nerves along with those flirtatious giggles and glances.

"If you wish to keep your arms and ovaries where they belong, I recommend you stop flirting with my boyfriend and get the damn prize I have asked for twice. Please and thank you!"

Smiley was surprised at your actions. You never usually get so jealous. He noticed how you smiled at the girl, almost gritting your teeth behind the barrier of your closed lips. Nahoya couldn't help but find it so cute and savoured the moment. He was definitely going to be bragging to the boys later on about how badass you seemed right then.

The girl clicked her tongue before going off to collect what you had asked for. She must have been salty over the fact she couldn't continue to flaunt off her assets to Nahoya. What she didn't know though was that she was simply saving herself from your wrath. After all, you were not past dragging her outside to defend what was rightfully yours if she kept testing her luck.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side, babe!" Smiley joked, his usual grin growing. You simply rolled your eyes while agreeing with the peach-haired Kawata.

It wasn't long until you had your prize choice in your possession and the two of you continued what had quickly become a date. That meant a bike ride around Shibuya, heading to the local ramen shop that Smiley loved, and then back to either his or your house to watch a movie.

Ran

You would follow your boyfriend anywhere when you could spare the time. Currently, you were clinging to the taller Haitani's arm while Rindo was talking to his elder brother about some gang business. Although you were always around, you never did get involved in their conversation. After all, Ran had told you were too innocent and sweet to get involved in such a violent life. He did everything he could to protect you from his lifestyle.

Due to how intimidating Ran could look and act, you really didn't have to worry about girls trying to flirt with him, and guys knew who he was so there was no way they would risk it. And so you had no reason to be jealous. Ran however, he was constantly on edge in case someone decided to try and steal you away from him. But then he would remember that no-one would dare mess with the Haitani brothers and everything would be fine again.

"Babe? I just need to nip into the convenience store real quick." You pointed over to where the closest one was situated, remembering how you needed some odd bits of things. Your boyfriend simply nodded in acknowledgement, placed a quick peck on the top of your head before continuing his conversation with Rindo. Smiling over the affection, you quickly made your way to your destination. The quicker you got there, the sooner you could be back with Ran after all.

It was a pretty normal trip for you. You had collected all the items you needed, paid for them and started your way back to where your boyfriend and his brother were probably still waiting. Maybe they had finished the gang discussions and you could join in with whatever the next topic was! You sure hoped so since it was starting to get you down not being able to contribute to the conversation. It was as you stepped back onto the street that a boy had stopped you, a nervous yet confident look in his eyes.

Ran would occasionally shift his gaze from his younger brother towards the store you had entered. It was his way of making sure you were safe. After all, there were a lot of people in Roppongi that disliked the Haitani brothers due to their position. Anyone could decide to take out their grudge against him on you and he would not be having that.

It was one of the times when he glanced up that he had noticed the boy talking to you. Your facial expression was telling him that you were quickly losing patience and that something must be happening. Ran interrupted Rindo mid-sentence before trying to casually make his way over. After all, it could be nothing and he wasn't the one to jump to conclusions about a situation. However, he had a hard time keeping his anger in check once he heard the boy's flirting. It was just too bad the rod was left at home.

"You're either deaf or really stupid. I have said that I need to get back to my boyfriend. Now please, fuck off before I chop your dick off and turn your balls into fuckin' earrings," your expression was really sweet when you had uttered the threat. Your lips were curled into a soft smile while your eyes had shut to hide the murderous aura that would surely be seen within them. Maybe Ran was rubbing off on you too much. After all, you used to be such a sweet person who was unable to say boo to a goose. Now you were making threats that even had your boyfriend nervous.

The boy was quick to follow your advice, walking as fast as he could away from the area. You let out a deep sigh before moving your gaze to where Ran and Rindo would be situated. Instead, you were surprised to find the taller Haitani frozen in place not far from you.

"Hey baby! I got my things!" The hand carrying the bag lifted to display the items. Ran snapped out of this daze before giving you a soft smile. He would have to tell Rindo to not piss you off.

Rindo

Nobody would believe you but Rindo loved taking you to cafes that he would come across when he and his brother wandered the streets of Roppongi. It was more to make you happy but he really enjoyed these outings. He could spoil you with your favourite drink and dessert while it was a quiet space for you both to talk about your days. It was one of the only places where Rindo could get away from all the gang business. Here he was just Rindo Haitani, your boyfriend.

You both arrived at one of your favourite cafes, ready to start the first half of your date. Rindo had planned the day so you were unsure on what would occur but that just made it more exciting! Taking your usual table at the back, Rindo couldn't help but chuckle as he watched you scan the menu. He knew you would pick the same thing every time you visited and yet it was almost a ritual you had developed. Sit at the table, scan the menu, decide to have the same thing. He found this adorable and enjoyed the predictability of the situation. Made him feel like a normal middle-schooler for once.

It wasn't long until the waitress had come over to take your orders. You noticed how she must have been new since you had never seen her working here before. At least she wouldn't judge that you ordered the same thing, you thought. The exchange was starting well, she had taken your order with very little hassle which you appreciated. However, it turned sour when she turned her attention to your boyfriend. It was as if a switch was flicked within the waitress as she began to get a little too comfortable around the blond.

Small arm touches when pointing at something on the menu, leaning over so her cleavage was more pronounced, the flirty heart eyes and giggles. All of it was beginning to irk you. Surely she could discern for herself that this was a date. You really couldn't believe the nerve the girl had in doing what she was doing while you sat across from the scene. Thankfully, she had finally taken the order and went to grab the drinks and desserts.

"You OK babe?" Rindo noticed how your usual smile was tense and more forced in its appearance. It was concerning him since you were fine a moment ago. This poor boy didn't realise how much the waitress was flirting, if he even registered that there was flirting. It's not his fault really. He just hardly gets attention when they could simply flirt with his brother.

You didn't answer, just relaxed a little bit. You couldn't get mad at the blond in front of you. After all, he was clueless when it came to girls liking him. Really, you should have kept that in mind considering how long it took for you both to get together due to his obliviousness to that. Slowly your usual smile was reappearing and Rindo felt like he could relax again himself. That was until the waitress came back over.

"Here's your order, handsome! And a little something extra~!" The girl winked as she placed your boyfriend's drink and dessert in front of him. You had caught sight of a slip of paper and what appeared to be a lipstick kiss staining the surface. Oh hell no. This was not on. It was hurting your face by trying to maintain the sweet expression.

"Excuse me but can you not flirt with my boyfriend while I am sat right here?" Keep up the smile Y/N. "After all, we are on a date and before you decided to act like a desperate hooker, we were actually enjoying ourselves. So now that we have our order, can you please fuck off before I decide to rearrange your face and make it so you can't have children?"

Rindo's eyes were as wide as the plates that held the desserts. He didn't really know what to think at that moment. What had happened to his sweet Y/N? Where did you learn to threaten someone? What he wasn't realising was that he was rubbing off on you after all this time you spent together.

The waitress simply glared at you before storming off back to the counter. She must have seen just how serious you were being even though your face had remained as sweet as sugar throughout it. You were proud of yourself and turned your attention from the girl towards your dessert and drink. In excitement, you grabbed at the spoon and scooped some of the sweet dessert into your mouth like a small child would with ice cream. A happy hum left your body as you enjoyed your treat.

"You're scary, you know that right babe?"

"I'm just protecting what's mine, Rin."

Hanma

Hanma enjoyed having you around him most of the time. He loved how you made his days more fun, especially when it came to how jealous you would get. In fact, he thought it was probably one of the most amusing sights he had been blessed with. You were so sweet usually that it was a huge surprise to others when you got jealous.

That day, the lanky male had decided to take you to the amusement park, thinking it was the best way to spend his time away from Kisaki. It was also a good way to get you to cling to him as you were always nervous when it came to certain rides like the Ferris Wheel. You could handle rollercoasters and other rides, but once you were sat on the rickety bench of the Ferris Wheel, you would have to cling onto your boyfriend's arm in fear of falling out.

Just like most of the others, it was rare for you to get some alone time with Shuji anymore. After all, if he wasn't busy with Kisaki, he was busy with something else. But you knew he would show up at your bedroom window most nights to just say hi and get a kiss before he left again. It wasn't an ideal relationship but it worked for you two.

So when Hanma had text you about the date, you were quick to get yourself ready. You made sure that your outfit was super cute and dolled yourself up a little. Hanma would no doubt tease you about how much effort you put in for him but you knew he secretly loved it. You were his girl after all and he was a lucky man to have you on his arm.

The journey from your house to the amusement park was a pretty uneventful one. Hanma had picked you up on his bike but had decided he would follow the rules of the road. As unpredictable as ever. He parked up his bike and you both went to buy your tickets to start the date properly.

The day was spent like any other amusement park date people went on. You rode the rollercoasters and ate your fair share of snacks that you knew weren't good for you. Everything was perfect. Well, if you excluded having to hold Hanma back from beating up a boy that had tried flirting with you. That took some doing since an angry Hanma is a strong Hanma.

It was as the sun was starting to set that the incident occurred. A girl with long blond hair had decided that she would try her luck in getting THE Shuji Hanma. All while you were standing there, cuddling into his arm. At first, you tried being polite by making your presence known. If she knew he was already taken then she should lose interest and move on with her day. What wishful thinking, eh? Instead, it seemed to spur her on more, even commenting on how Shuji deserved a 'real woman' not a 'child'. That was the last straw.

"I don't know whether you are blind, stupid or have a fuckin death wish at this point." You let go of Hanma's arm and stepped towards the annoyance. "But as you could clearly see, Hanma is taken. Now, unless you want me to put you six feet under, I suggest you fuck off and leave my boyfriend alone."

Maybe it was the sweet smile that accompanied the threat but the girl was scared. You were obviously crazy, she thought as she rushed back over to her group of friends. She was probably lucky to only get off with the verbal threat. If she hadn't have left, you would have caused a lot of injuries to her. After all, you had to be strong enough to do that when Hanma was your boyfriend.

Speaking of Hanma, he had watched the whole exchange with an amused smirk on his face. This threat was tame compared to the others he had heard leave your mouth before. However, he was disappointed that the other girl ran off. He was hoping to see you make that threat a reality until he would have to stop you. However, he still got to see that cute angry pout that would always show up when you had calmed down.

"If only she had stuck around. Could have had some fun."

"Shut up beanpole."

Baji

Baji was the one who would mainly get jealous. After all, you were gorgeous and he felt he didn't deserve you. So when anyone paid a little too much attention to you than what he felt comfortable with, he would get annoyed and have to stop himself from getting violent.

You both had decided to hang out just the two of you for once. Chifuyu was busy working at the pet store after all so you could count that day as a date. Baji had his arm wrapped around your shoulders as you wandered the streets of Shibuya, entering stores that caught your attention.

The date was going well. Considering you both would usually have Chifuyu, and more recently Takemichi, joining you, it was nice to just have some time to be a couple without worrying about making the younger blonds feel like third and fourth wheels. That meant you couldn't really enjoy innocent physical contact like this without feeling guilty. So this was rare and you were enjoying it a lot.

"Hey sweetie, you want to go get some Peyoung Yakisoba?" Baji asked, starting to direct you towards the usual spot you would get the delicious dish. You weren't sure why he asked considering he knew the answer would be yes. So with a giggle, you snuggled into the boy's side with a grin.

Baji felt his heart skip about 10 beats at the sight. You were honestly too cute for him and moments like this proved it.

The walk was only a few minutes but you remained glued to the boy's side the entire way. It was your favourite spot to be. Baji had offered to go and order the noodles while you wait outside, something that you reluctantly agreed to. You only agreed since the noodle shop was so small that you couldn't realistically stick by your boyfriend. And so you sat on the bench not too far from the door.

Baji wanted to be quick, not entirely comfortable with you sitting alone. Usually Chifuyu would keep you company and that kept the boy calm but since he wasn't here, you were forced to be alone. And that didn't sit right with the 1st Division Captain.

You kept yourself entertained by scrolling through your phone but that was short-lived as a boy a little older than you turned up. Placing a smile on your face, you decided to hear out what the boy might want. After all, it could be as innocent of a request as asking for directions. However, you were a bit too naive in that regard.

Your boyfriend exited the building, the noodles in hand, when he saw the boy flirting with you. Anger bubbled almost instantly within his chest and he was about to march over and pummel this idiot into the ground. It was only what you said next that had him stop in his war path.

"As I have said about 14 times now, I have a loving boyfriend and if you think I'm going to leaving him for a limp dick like you, you're delusional. Now, fuck off before I chop your shrimp dick off and offer it to the restaurant to use in one of their dishes. Although there wouldn't be enough to use in even a kiddie's portion." You delivered the threat with your usual smile yet Baji could see that your eyes were sending daggers the boy's way.

Baji couldn't be more proud of you for how you threatened that idiot. It amused him so much that he couldn't prevent the laughter that erupted from him. The boy who had previously seemed filled with confidence, was now running off in fear that you would follow through with the threat. You just glanced over at your amazing boyfriend with a grin on your features.

"C'mon babe, we're heading home. I'm so proud of how you handled that though." Baji calmed his laughter before placing a kiss to your forehead. Arm wrapped around you, the two of you headed towards the apartment building Baji lived in.

[tweedlydumbtweedlydoo]

Traumatized | Bucky Barnes x reader

Requested by anon / Summary: You get kidnapped and when Bucky finds you, you’re traumatized from being abused the entire time. 

A/N: Hope you like it! xx I started this a while back and finally finished it today. 

Usually I’m all for the bad ass reader, but I’m gonna change it up to a completely terrified/innocent reader. She’s technically not an avenger but is a part of the team working with Bruce and Tony on some high tech inventions.

!! Warning: mention of blood, cuts, torture, ptsd 

Also, I am not into technology at all. So, if there’s some misinformation in there, please just move along and continue reading :)

! Warning: talk of abuse/torture, blood, traumatized reader 

Tag list is at the end. Let me know if you want to be added xx

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!! Warning: mention of blood, cuts, torture, ptsd

“Hey has anyone spoke to y/n today?” Bucky enters the shared common space of the Avenger’s tower where Nat, Steve, Wanda, & Vision were, “She said she was going out to grab a coffee and a quick walk around the park, but she’s not back yet and I haven’t heard from her.” 

“She’s probably still at the park.” Wanda answers, moving a chess piece. Her and Vision were currently enticed in a game of chess. 

“You know how she is. She probably found some ducks to feed.” Steve chuckles. 

“yeah, maybe.” Bucky mutters, not completely convinced. You’d left earlier this morning and it was now entering the early afternoon hours. So, you should have been back by now. 

“Where’s Tony and Bruce?” Nat asks, shifting the subject. 

“Working on some new high tech.” Steve shrugs, “I didn’t understand a word after that.” 

“Wasn’t y/n supposed to be working on that with them?” Bucky takes the seat next to Steve at the table. 

Nat furrows her eyebrows, “Yeah.. Maybe she’s down there with them? She probably went straight to work with them after she got back from her walk.” 

Bucky nods, Nat’s probably right, “Yeah she probably did. She was all excited last night talking about the new tech her, Tony and Bruce had been working on. She said it’s almost done.” He finally lets the worry of not talking to you go. You were most likely in the zone with Tony and Bruce and usually the outside world disappeared. 

~ 

incoming video chat, Mr. Stark do you accept? F.R.I.D.A.Y asks. 

“I accept.” Tony continues his work with Bruce, not thinking much of it. Probably something to do with Stark Industries, “Yeah try that-” 

“Ah Mr. Stark, it’s been a while.” 

When he turns his attention to large computer screen, he’s met with a man who looks vaguely familiar but can’t picture where he’s seen him. “And who are you?” 

“It doesn’t surprise me that you don’t remember me.” The man sighs and steps back from the camera, showing the full view of the room. You were practically hanging from the ceiling, your hands pulled tightly together above your head and your feet barely touching the concrete floor below you. There were 5 other men standing near you, large guns in their hands and what looked to be masks over their face. 

Tony drops the tool in his hand, “What the hell is this?” 

“Oh now you want to pay attention!” The man comes to your side and a whimper escapes your lips as he holds the gun to your cheek, dragging it along your face and using it to push your hair out of the way, “I knew she would catch your attention.” 

Tony and Bruce exchange a look, “You realize you’ve just kidnapped someone very close to the Avenger’s and that means it isn’t going to end well for you,” He rounds the table to get a closer look at the screen, “So why would you be so stupid to kidnap her?” 

“Because she got what I didn’t.” He yanks your neck back by your hair, causing you to yelp.

“Who? Bucky? I don’t think he is into men.” He sarcastically replies. Deep down he’s actually very worried for your safety but choosing to be sarcastic in a time of danger is a way he copes. 

“Not Bucky.” The man seethes, “She got that position with you at the Avenger’s Tower. You three are working on something very high tech and I want it. I deserve it! And I’m going to get it.” 

“Then you probably should have tried to walk into the Avenger’s tower to take it. Not kidnapped one of our assistants!” 

“Oh I plan to get it out of her.” He taps your head with the gun, “She knows everything, everything about the tech you’re working on and she’s going to tell me. Even if I have to torture it out of her.” He smirks. 

You try to speak to beg tony, to beg someone to save you from this, “Tony please-” You were terrified. You weren’t trained to take torture and you knew this wasn’t going to end well for anyone, especially you. You were only an assistant to Bruce and Tony and Bucky’s girl, but you knew things about the avenger’s and about all the tech Bruce and Tony were working on. You could be the person to bring down the Avenger’s and the man knew that. He knew exactly which person would get him what he wanted. 

He ended the video chat. F.R.I.D.A.Y informs.

"Where’s the location of the video coming from?” Tony asks F.R.I.D.A.Y and Bruce who had been trying to pinpoint the location as well. 

There’s no clear location. 

“It’s bouncing off different wifi connections, there is no one location.” Bruce looks to Tony, “We’re blind. We have no idea where they have her.” 

~ 

Tony calls the team in for a meeting, calmly. He doesn’t want to panic them, especially Bucky because his judgment will be clouded by his love and attachment to you. He probably would destroy the city trying to find you. 

“What’s this about Tony?” Steve asks as the avengers fall into the room and settle in their seats. 

Tony clears his throat, “We have a problem.” 

As Bucky looked around the room there was one person missing, you. “Where’s y/n? I thought she was working with you two.” 

“That’s what I’ve called this meeting about.” Tony turns on the screen and there is a screenshot from the video chat of you and the men. 

“Oh my god.” Wanda gasps. 

“Is that-” Nat asks. 

Bucky swallows the lump forming in his throat, “Y/n.” 

“We received a video chat from this man here earlier. It’s unclear what the hell he even wants,” Bruce begins, “First it was anger for y/n getting the position he didn’t, then it was wanting the high tech we were working on. Y/n is close to the Avenger’s and she knows a lot of things; important information that could be used to bring all of us down. She also knows all information on that new high tech device we were working on. He’s planning to use her to get what he wants.” 

“She’s not.. She’s only a civilian.” Wanda says, “She’s not trained to hide information. To endure that kind of torture.” 

“Which is why we have to find her asap.” Tony says, glancing at Bucky. 

Bucky clinched his hands in anger. He knew how torture worked and to think of you in that position... “You mean you two don’t know where he has her?” 

“We have no idea.” Tony nods, “The man was good. He’s using different wifi signals which means there’s no pinpointing one location.” 

“We’re looking for her blind.” Bruce says.

Another video request, Mr. Stark. 

“Accept it, F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Tony turns to the screen to see the same man, but this time you’re in worse shape. Your clothes are dirty and torn; your shirt wasn’t covering anything; There was blood dripping down your cheek. 

“Ah all the avenger’s are here this time! What a treat.” The man smiles, “Including Bucky. Aww.. if you should know your little girlfriend here has been begging for you.” 

Bucky stands quickly, the chair screeching along the floor, “I’ll kill you. Don’t you fucking touch her!” He gets closer to the screen. 

“Oh we already have.” he chuckles, glancing at you, “You want to see your little boyfriend? He seems very worried.” Pulling the video closer, you can see the avenger’s staring back. 

“Bucky.” You whimper, “Please..” 

“Shh.. doll it’s okay. We’re going to get you out of there, okay? Just stay strong for me.” His heart breaks to see you like this and there’s absolutely nothing he can do, “I love you, y/n.” 

The video pans back to the man, “how adorable. Not!” He chuckles, “I just wanted to show you what she looks like one more time. Once we’re done with her, she won’t look the same.” He smooths out your hair, “This girl here is very tough but she’s given us some valuable information.” He sighs, “But it’s just not enough yet,” His hand grips your hair and yanks your head back earning a yelp of pain from you. And with that he ended the call once more. 

~ 

It took Steve, Nat, Sam, and Tony to hold Bucky back from leaving the room. He didn’t know where he would be heading, but that didn’t matter. He was going to tear the city apart to find them, to find you. 

“Let me go!” Bucky thrashes against Steve’s tight grip. 

“Buck, we have to be smart about this!” Steve reasons, “We don’t know where she is!” 

A screenshot from the video is put on the screen, “This is the only thing I could capture.” It’s blurry and you can only see half of the symbol but all the Avenger’s recognize it, especially Bucky. 

Bucky calms as he stares at half of the symbol, “That’s.. That’s an old HYDRA base.” It was one step closer to finding you. 

“Do we know which one?” Wanda asks. She was on standby near Bucky in case they couldn’t contain him. 

“Shield took care of all the bases.” Tony says, “Or at least they thought they did. However, it was hard to determine if the ones destroyed were the only ones.”

Bucky’s gears are shifting as he tries to remember his time at Hydra. He tries to think of anything that could have been said to give off some kind of clue. “It had never been used but there was talk about a base on an island north of Russia. It was a backup in case HYRDA was compromised.” 

“That has to be where they are keeping her.” Nat speaks up from beside Steve, “Where else would there be a HYDRA symbol on a wall? Unless someone painted it but..” 

“It’s worth checking out.” Sam says, “There are only a handful of islands north of russia that a HYRDA base could be built.” 

~ 

The last island the avengers check turns out to be the correct one. Using Stark tech, they find out there is 10 guys inside and then another body in a room that they assume is you. They find a place to land the quinjet without the men noticing. 

“We can’t go in there guns blazing.” Sam grabs Bucky’s arm as he’s about to storm out of the quinjet. 

“Sam’s right.” Nat says, “We have the element of surprise and we need to use that to our advantage so that y/n doesn’t end up getting killed in the crossfire.” 

Bucky knows they’re right, but you’re right there in that building. He sighs and nods, “What’s the plan?” 

The plan goes right and within minutes the men are taken out. Bucky was the one to kill the leader for what he’d done to you. Bucky takes off toward the room and when he enters, you’re curled in a ball on the bed.

“Y/n?” 

You look up at your eyes go wide, pushing yourself back against the wall to put as much distance between you and Bucky. You couldn’t even recognize your Bucky. “Please.. please no more.” You whimper, “I’ve told you everything!” 

“It’s me... it’s bucky.” He takes another step closer to you, but it results in a scream from you.

“Please! I can’t take anymore.. I can’t!” You sob with a shake of your head. Your whole body starts to shake with fright. You couldn’t take anymore torture, anymore pain. You were passed your breaking point and you’d already came clean about everything, but that didn’t stop the torture. 

It’s like you don’t even recognize him and his shoulders slump with defeat, “Y/n.. please..” He starts toward you once more and that’s when Nat grabs his shoulder, “she doesn’t recognize you.” She motions to Wanda who uses her power to practically put you to sleep in a calming state. 

It’s then that Bucky can see the damage they did to you. Blood, cuts and bruises all over your body. You’re filthy with dirt and your hair is a mess. You’re only in a ripped t shirt and undergarments. He’s gentle as he picks up your body. 

“She’s asleep.. she can’t feel anything.” Wanda tells Bucky after seeing his careful hands.

“She’s.. covered in these marks..” He holds you against his chest and Nat takes another look at you, “Electric shock. They electrocuted her.” 

He follows behind the rest of the avengers toward the quinjet. He kisses your head, “You’re safe now, doll... I’m here.” 

~ 

It had been almost a month and you hadn’t spoken a word. You wouldn’t speak to anyone, not even Bucky. The doctor’s informed the avengers you’d been traumatized and that it might take you a while to get comfortable again and that it was best to give you time. You’d gone through a lot and you needed time. 

But it was hurting Bucky not to be able to hold you, to comfort or kiss you during this horrible time. He wanted to be there for you, but the closest he could get is watching you through the window on the door. You would start start screaming when anyone from the Avenger’s team came in. Recently you let Nat inside without screaming, but you didn’t say a word to her. 

He could hear your screams from the nightmares and it pained him not be able to hold you in his arms. It was something you did with him when the nightmares would return in the night and you were the only thing that could calm him. He just wanted to be that for you. 

However, one night he couldn’t help himself. You just continued to scream and cry out like you were in pain and he decided that was it. He needed to see if you were okay. He needed to be there for you.

He ran into your room to find you thrashing around in your bed having a nightmare. He rounded the bed to your side, “hey hey, it’s okay.” He shook you awake and your wide eyes met his. “It’s okay...” He waited for the screams to start once you saw him, but they didn’t come. Maybe this was a good sign. He started to back up toward the door in case this turned bad with you. He didn’t want to push it with you. 

Your eyes filled with tears and you didn’t move. The two of you stared at each other for the longest before you spoke the first words in a month, “Don’t go.” 

Relief flooded Bucky’s body and he had to hold back tears, “I’m not going anywhere, doll.” 

You made yourself comfortable in bed once more, turning on your side. Bucky didn’t want to push his luck and decided the chair by your bed would be a good place for him. 

You made sure he wasn’t going anywhere and then let your eyes close. He stayed there in that uncomfortable chair the rest of the night while you slept. You didn’t have another nightmare that night. It was like your mind knew you were safe and you could finally let yourself go. You were safe and he wasn’t going to let anything happen to you again and when you finally realized that, you let Bucky back in. 

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[beels-burger-babe]

Familial Attachments

***Awwwww, I'm so happy that you're enjoying my blog! This request warms my heart and I am WEAK for soft big brother Lucifer. I hope you enjoy @lorkai! - B*** Summary: MC keeps favouring Lucifer. It baffles the other brothers. Lucifer is intrigued by the behaviour and slowly begins to open up to them.

No one really noticed it when you first arrived. You were new to the Devildom, and so much was foreign and scary around you. So you following orders without question and lingering near Lucifer, the strongest of the demons living with you, could've been passed off as a survival technique. But after a few months of you staying in the House of Lamentation, Lucifer thought the initial fear would wear off, and yet you still continued to follow him around like a little duckling. Still, Lucifer hadn't really clued in that there was perhaps sentiment behind your behaviour until he had walked in on a discussion between you, Mammon, Beelzebub and Leviathan. He had approached your bedroom door and raised his fist to knock when he heard Mammon's annoyingly loud voice. "I'm just sayin'! There ain't no reason for you go followin' mean old Lucifer around like that! He's old. He complains a lot. He never has any fun. You should be spendin' time with me! I'm supposed to be your protector ya know!" Lucifer huffed in annoyance and was about to barge in when he heard your giggle. "I'm hanging out with you now, aren't I?" "I don't know MC. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Mammon has a point." Levi pipped in. At this point, Lucifer cracked open the door and peeked inside. You were sitting in Beel's lap as he munched away on a bowl of popcorn. Mammon was standing, punching harshly onto the buttons of the remote he was holding, while Levi sat playing with the ease and skill of the pro-gamer that he was. He didn't even look away from the screen as he spoke to you. Lucifer made a mental note to talk to him about conversation manners. Leviathan continued. "You're always hanging around Lucifer. You only spend time with us if we specifically ask you to, or if we arrange it ahead of time," Levi shifted uncomfortably as he pressed a button on his remote; Mammon cursed as a result. "I-I-Is he your favourite or something?" Lucifer couldn't help but perk at the question. He wasn't aware that you were spending particularly more time with him than the others. Sure, he noticed that you would listen to him much better than any of his brothers ever did (and that alone made him warm up to you), and you always seemed to smile when he was around. But he thought that was just the kind of person you were; happy and compliant. Much to his, and everyone in the room's, surprise, you nodded. "I guess he is." Chaos erupted inside the room.

Beel dropped his popcorn. Levi sputtered and actually looked away from the game to gape at you. Mammon threw his remote and whipped around to face you. "WHAT?!?! You mean you prefer that old bat to the GREAT MAMMON?!?!" to Mammon's defence, he looked genuinely hurt by the confession. "But I'm your first! I thought we were pals, MC?!" Levi tensed and sniffed before turning back at the game. "I'm not that surprised really. Makes sense that you wouldn't l-like a slimy gross otaku like me." Beel remained frozen and quiet. A frown etched on his face as his hands tightened around you. Your eyes widened at everyone's reactions. "Woah, woah, woah! Who said anything about not liking you guys? I love hanging out with you three, and I do see you as my friends," you looked directly at Levi. "Otaku or not. I treasure my time with you." Levi pouted and refused to look at you. "Then what does Lucifer have that we don't? Why does he get the title of your favourite?" Lucifer was shocked to see your expression soften as you smiled gently at just the thought. "He reminds me of my big brother in the human realm," everyone went quiet and looked at you. "I-It was hard being ripped away from everything I knew and be forced to live in a world that I didn't even know existed. When I saw Lucifer and got to know him a bit, I noticed how much he acted like my brother. It was comforting to have just that little bit of familiarity amongst all the chaos of the Devildom, you know?" The eldest brother's heart warmed at the statement. It stroked his pride in the best way possible. He loved his brothers, but none of them were very affectionate with one another with the exception of the twins. To hear that someone cared about him and saw him as an older brother was...touching. His younger brothers seemed to agree as, with a little irritation, they settled back down into their game. Forgetting what he came for, Lucifer smiled and went back to his office. Since that day, he was notably kinder and more vulnerable with you. If you saw him as an older brother then he was determined to be the best older brother you could ask for. He gave you a pat on the shoulder or ruffled your hair every time he saw you. He always made sure to congratulate or acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small they were. He asked you how your day was and allowed you to come to him with any troubles (which he would promptly take care of the moment you left the room). Every night he would invite you into his office for some tea and a round of chess before bed. It felt like in no time, he had begun to see you as a little sibling just as much as you saw him as an older brother. Lucifer did his best not to let his brothers catch on to how soft he was around you. He tried to compensate by teasing you a little more whenever they were around. Or pretend that he was taking you into his office to scold you when he really was going to look you over and make sure you weren't hurt in the most recent incident. The result was an endless amount of taunts and ridicule from his brothers on how he was a better sibling to you than he was them (which was mostly true), that you had thawed his ancient icy heart (which he would never admit), and that he couldn't say no to you (which he tried to prove wrong but inevitably failed, much to his embarrassment). Still, the bond between you two was one that was strong and pure. When it was finally time for you to go back to the human realm, you were in tears and refused to let go of Lucifer. Lucifer held onto you tightly. It was obvious to everyone there that he was just as reluctant to let you leave. "You have to go know MC. Your real big brother is up there worried about you, I'm sure," his voice was steady and firm. He refused to cry; no matter how badly his heart ached at that moment. You sniffled and buried your face deeper into his chest. "I know. But you've become just as much a brother to me as him, a-a-and I don't want to leave you. What if I never get to see you again?" Lucifer inhaled sharply at the thought.

He looked over at Diavolo. Something in his eyes must have given away the hurt and inner turmoil he was feeling, for Diavolo's eyes widened in shock before he smiled softly at his friend. "You may take your D.D.D. with you, MC, to stay in contact with the brothers. Perhaps, on occasion, we can also organize visits. This will not be goodbye forever." Lucifer chuckled as you held him tighter and ran a hand through your hair. "See? You'll see me and everyone else again. But for now, it's time for you to return home." You shakily nodded and reluctantly pulled away from his arms; Lucifer felt his chest tighten as coldness filled the warmth where you once stood. Still, he refused to cry or show vulnerability. He would not become a blubbering mess like Mammon. He was better than that. He clenched his fists as you went around giving everyone final hugs goodbye. He held his breath as you picked up the bag the two of you had put together full of keepsakes from the Devildom. You took a step towards the portal. "MC, wait!" Lucifer rushed towards you, damning his own pride and reputation to hell, as he pulled you into one final tight hug and pressed a kiss to the top of your head. He held you there; closing his eyes and allowing himself to pretend for just a moment that he didn't have to let you go. He felt a tear roll down his cheek. "I love you, MC. I will miss having you here." Suddenly you were sobbing again. The two of you held each other for several minutes, as Diavolo had Barbartos escort the others out to give the two of you some privacy. Finally, he let you go, and within a second you were gone and back to your true family. Lucifer went home, and sat in his office, wondering what you were doing with your real big brother and if you were as happy up there as you were with him. ***HOW THE FUCK DID I MAKE THIS ANGST AND END UP CRYING WELL WRITING I AM SO SORRY I SERIOUSLY MEANT FOR THIS BE FLUFF GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *Wipes tears* Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this no matter how accidentally painful it was. Thank you for the lovely request @lorkai! I was touched by how personal it was!***