#actually wanting to go to FL is a weird feeling tbh

[wanderrlust0]

sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.

[forgottensaoirse]

RAISES A RED FLAG TILL HE REALIZES CILLIAN HAS A SISTER BAHAHAHAHA amazing cassimir like 'bout to catch a traitor! oh...nm...cillian knows other ppl ig' jk jk iconic

ok so, timing wise, i think imma say that she was working and would stay at lorcan (since the malconaire/lorcan/frost bond seems pr tight!) for extended periods, and has had the position (at least during daylight hourse) for ten years, but didn't officially move to take up the full position until eight years ago, when she was 16 -- i just feel like her bros probs weren't having it till she was old enough to be a lil more responsible on her own...which is really rich coming from them, given she's probs the most responsible one of the lot, even then, but here we are lkasjdflkjsdfkj but yeah i do def think she's been heavily involved since day one, and was probs taking looong excursions up there for like months at a time etc but then returning for weeks on end before going back to lorcan etc type thing. once she officially moved up there, her visits became more sporadic, and the bros would go visit her in lorcan too etc ((so i wrote the above before i comprehended just how close lorcan actually was and basically i think it was just a matter of -- she was walking up there each day at first while staying there overnight quite often but eight years ago officially moved, sorta thing, so yeah))

but yeah! honestly cassimir totally forgetting abt her for like ten years makes tooootal sense!!! bc that probs was the last time she worked at malconaire, and only dropped by at night to walk home w her brothers until 8 years ago when he just...stopped seeing her pr much at all probs except maybe holidays or whatever but even then probs didnt spend any real time w her) probs the biggest impact she ever had on ~his life was just being a random housemaid or whatever around malconaire, back in the day, whose mom was in weird competition w ~his mom (at least that's how valentina perceived it and how she no doubt represented it to cassimir lakjsdfkljdsjkfsdf) and whose brothers worked there too hahaha and honestly she was probs the most inobtrusive of them just bc she's the sibling w some sense lkajsdfjklsdjfsdf and wasn't tryna raise the og malconaires (since she was their same age) which in turn made valentina hate her etc etc etc (tho valentina def hates/hated all caoimhe's get just bc they were caoimhe's get, and was always going to, even if they'd been the sweetest kids in the world and not at all troublesome to her or anyone else in any way alksjdfkljsdfjk)

sdlkfjklsdjfsdf CASSIMIR WANTS LORCAN AKLSJDFKLSDJFSDF !!!! that would def complete the malconaire ambitions trifecta to have lord and lady m rolling in their graves lakjsdflkjsdf also valentina like 'the only good thing that might come of this wretched marriage [does she mean sorcha/bran or cassimir/eithne? who knows! both, probs!] is that now you can press your claim to lorcan through eithne's blood connection to it as her husband!' she's def gonna push him to reignite discussions abt claiming that -- 'we can easily discredit the current lord, ive no doubt, [rian: hey!] and lorcan will be yours just as macdara og intended!' (not that he ~did intend that or have that power even if he ~had but valentina lives in her own world where cassimir should own EVERYTHING alksdjfklsdjf) lkajdsfkljsdjf ommmggggg anywayyyyy asdlkjfkljsdf

so saoirse def knows EXACTLY who cassimir is and didn't forget about ~him and she aint be trusting any of that!! saoirse @ aine like 'lets maybe...not w this dude -- trust me, m'lord would've agreed' tbh she is probs more vehemently against cassimir than he really deserves tbqh just bc i think she kinda rolls him and valentina up into one bundle and is like 'i wont let them do to lorcan what they already did to malconaire!' and it doesn't occur to her that, while hardly the best astairan lord possible, cassimir would be a better lord than valentina is a lady alkjsdfjskdfj she's just like BAD NEWS in flashing red lights hahaha

saoirse @ her charge as she sees cassimir coming up the road: come on! let's run away from this spot and not play with the bad man!

jk jk (kind of!) lajsdflkjsf she's just living up to her name (frosty ;D) when he ~does catch them, i feel like, but is generally at least polite bc maybe she can get some info for the resistance outta the whole thing! lkajsdfkljdsf but she def warns the lil lorcans that cassimir is not a friend and not to be trusted! he's v unkind to their malconaire cousins </3 lkasjdfkjsdf she's not gonna know how to explain why eithne's marrying him bc she herself will mostly be like ?????? good question???? lksjdfkljsdkjf

OOC | Saoirse & Cassimir

saoirse!!! does not!!! like!!!! you!!!! tbh im not sure just how much she realistically knows abt the malconaire's og situation, but she at least saw them growing up together and probs did not make any v favorable impressions of cassimir or valentina back then, so just based on that alone she aint feeling the love, but if she ~does know that's even worse!!!!

cillian, at a resistance meeting: could we just take a detour and hit the malconaire estate just lng enough to knock off valentina and cassimir?

saoirse: cillian! how could you suggest such a thing? we can't kill them, that'd be--

cillian: i know, i know. wrong.

saoirse: --stupid. roderick would seize the estate w/o a male heir to hold it. what we should aim to do is srsly maim them so they can't do any harm and eithne runs the estate in their name.

cillian: saoirse, you're a genius

everyone else:

everyone else: ANYWAY! back to the varmont situation...

jk jk...sort of ;DDDD but yeah, saoirse isn't really pranky like her brother or anything, but she is probs extremely stern and a lil snarky w him ksldjfkjdslfjklsdf

[beaversatemygrandma]

Its strange. I don’t usually talk to my mom and then when she randomly calls I’m on the phone with her for like an hour and a half. Idgi. I actually don’t feel like hell after doing so. Wow. At least she knows of my trip going down to the hometown here soon now.

There is one thing tho, i got another weird medical take on my health that apparently was a real diagnosis AGAIN that i had no idea about. Apparently I’ve got ovarian cysts and i literally had no clue. (Hormonal imbalances and endometriosis make sense now tho) I have for years. So. That’s a thing. And she ended up going on this tangent about how things have been better since she got a hysterectomy. “My acne has cleared up, weight is easier to manage, etc etc etc” and I’m just like “If Only i could do that before 25 bc I’m in the ‘prime reproductive years’.” and she tells me that i might be able to guilt a doctor into doing it easily bc of said cysts and how i have no goals to even have kids. They’re not cysts that are dangerous to have, and have likely gotten smaller in the years and with the mini pills the endo is basically nonexistent. Idk, but she’s fully supportive of me getting my girlie innards taken out. “Better gay than pregnant” as she said when the doctor tried to put me on E bc I had high testosterone. That’s even continued through adulthood and honestly, thank god.

She also recommended me witch hazel for my acne. Apparently she’s ‘allergic’ to the microbeads in most exfoliating scrubs and we have the same skin type. Tho, it makes you kind of smell like an old lady. And me looking like a butch lesbian paired with old lady scents would be something. (Maybe I should just embrace my old lady habits of keeping hard candies and caramels around and all my other tastes... And the old soul comments i get constantly.) So, I looked up witch hazel and all that stuff. Apparently it’s an old natural remedy for it (saw that one coming, she’s always doing that all natural stuff) and it’s like a 50/50 chance of working due to different skin types. Which is basically the same risk as literally every other product for acne. Apparently it’s an astringent that dries out the skin (I’m Fuckin Oily) and i think it might be worth a shot. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than my current products thats for sure.

She also asked if i was sick of my dad’s opinions yet. I am. It’s the Joe Rogan shit. She knows. It’s annoying for all of us. The weird thing is, idk if she’s flipped on opinions for the the vax and shit. But that conversation at least left me thinking that she’s finally on the fence instead of brashly against it. AND AND She actually offered my old bedroom to me again. Like, i think that’s finally a real option for the first time since i moved out right at 18. Her ex husband isn’t even in the area but she got his dog in the divorce. :D Even tho I’ve got a place to go once I’m finally ready to leave here. Once I’ve got my license and surgeries done. Surgeries are cheaper out of FL. Tho i would rather get my license down there bc this city is bonkers traffic wise. Almost got into a wreck yesterday AGAIN bc of somebody else literally not giving a shit. Like bro. Look where you’re going. I might just bring my driving log and drive with the partner of sorts down there. I prefer the tourist ridden small town traffic to this shit. Don’t complain about downtown until you see this bullshit. I’d take downtown anytime to this fucking city. AND I’m staying the entire week at the partner’s place. Let’s see it as a test to see if we can live together. I don’t think I’ve ever been around them for longer than 8 hours at a time and i think that’s with a work shift attacked to it. Then my mom proceeds to remind me that i can’t be in a house filled with cats and the partner has like three. I need to stock up on antihistamines before going down there.

Idk but after complaining about having the TINY hallway room in a trailer the idea of my old bedroom from high school is mighty tempting if the apartment with cats and a lovely person doesn’t work out. I want a room i can fit a queen sized bed in again. If there was a queen in the current room, there would be no room. Just bed. Me and the partner were actually joking about that at some point. Like i should just modify a king size mattress and make the entire floor bed and mount the dressers and shelves on the wall so it’s a sleep anywhere kinda room. Expensive idea, but good idea indeed lmao

I never thought I’d be excited to go back to FL. Specifically that crazy hometown I got stuck in during high school. There’s some interesting people there. I say interesting bc there’s the amazing people that are definitely friends. And then also the very unusual ones in town. The locals there are Quite Something. Then again, bad gas travels fast in a small town. Even tho it’s not That Small. But still, there’s some strange occurrences. And honestly, I love it. It’s better than the ‘strange’ occurrences here. Which is weekly shootings, hundreds of car accidents, crime, other bullshit, and just what happens when you put too many people into one area that’s still racially segregated. Sure, the small town isn’t nearly as diverse, but at least the diverse part isn’t literally separated from the rest of the city. And you live in that diverse part and it’s noticeably less worth living in. (The roads, the schools, the everything... like there’s people down the street who are late to work constantly bc local trains literally block of roads for hours at a time) I’d prefer the weird people to this. I’ve at least got a bunch of other likeminded people out there. Sure, there’s not a very visible queer community there (the one here i’m too scared to even put myself out there in), and there’s the obnoxious fake rednecks (their truck styles are literally illegal in this state and i find that hilarious), and the strange Wiccan girls who force their way into your groups and slip you psychedelics. But it’s not bad. Small towns are tight knit and you’ll always know somebody out there. I thought I’d hate that idea, but it’s lonely when you’re surrounded by so many people and all of them are strangers who want nothing to do with you and you want nothing to do with them. Yeah, the state is expensive and politically toxic, but having more people with the other mindset in the area is the only way to get it to not be that. I know I’m not the only one there. My friends of course. And then the valedictorian at my school literally was putting together the BLM protests a couple years ago. (There’s a person who i never talked to much but I’d totally want to run into again. I hope she’s still in town.) Idk. The kids are alright. The future might be okay. Sure, if it’s not there’s no more FL at all, but I’m willing to take that risk. Once global warming goes too far I think me and the partner would make the move to the middle of fucking nowhere VA mountains in some old haunted cabin. It’s just a place to live. I honestly want it back oddly enough. I’ve changed in appearance enough that all the awkward exes i want to avoid wouldn’t even notice me. (Ideally one should be fuckin gone or there’s gonna be problems and I’ll need a restraining order on him.)

Honestly, I think i want to be back in FL. Yeah i talk shit. It’s an awful state and climate but the area grew on me. So did the people. It’s a hell of a lot better than a place where everybody is entirely egocentric and doesn’t care if they hurt you. And you’re not a hundred feet out from the second shooting this month. Yeah, everybody has a gun down there, but in a way that they actually know how to use them and keep others safe around them. It’s the kind of area where everybody agrees that gay people should get married and have guns to protect their marijuana plants. Which is a step closer to what is okay to live with.

Not to mention i REALLY NEED a break from my dad and sister. No more Joe Rogan related rants from him (you know exactly what this means...) And no more attention seeking chaos from her (she told the guidance counselor at school she was suicidal bc she was told to do dishes once). Just for a little while. Being here this long is just socially draining. I don’t even think my mom is nearly that socially draining and that’s something huge. Because she usually is, but at least it’s in a different way that i can appreciate as long as her ex husband is out of the picture.

It’s weird wanting to go to the place that i so badly wanted to leave.

Side note: I’ve also learned that I’m a city 4 and a small town 8. So. That’s fun. (Likely village in appalachia 9 so. do with that what you will) I’m only cute here to lesbians and I’ll take that. But down there, I Can Get It no matter the gender. (AKA a snipe according to an old fwb and now that i understand the context I Really Want To Punch that man. My friends booted him out of the group after i left and I get why now. Sure, he was cute, friendly, and a good dude, but lets be honest. He was a fuckboi.)

[cherchersketch]

 Author of My Own Destiny / I became the Wife of the Male Lead

bruh that ~difference~ between the official English title and the direct translation of the original Korean title. Lolol. I kind of prefer it because it also sort of hints at the FL’s identity. It’s another isekai that starts them off as kids but the time-skip to adult is pretty fast. 

Summary Yes we gotta escape the ~villainess route~. But the twist is that she wrote this whole thing. So it’s time to use that *isekai future knowledge* to run from the death flags. But oops, accidentally came across baby (ok he’s like 14) ML so it’s now a childhood friend romance (if the childhood friend son-zoned you because she wrote your character).

Tropes  - isekai-ed as the villainess (but wait it’s the ACTUAL NOVEL AUTHOR)  - just throw this whole family away  -  what do you mean I’ve drastically changed the plot the original FL and ML definitely still belong together  - ~babies~ who grew up together  - everyone already ships it

 FL - Fiona Green Heylon

- subvert the “grand duke from the North” trope with the furry blue cloak by being THE duke from the North(’s adopted daughter) - 100% oblivious to ML’s love - 100% oblivious to (adopted) dad’s love - abandoned child returns to be superior to her trash family WE LOVE TO SEE IT -  BFFs with the original FL, you love to see it (at least it seems like it’s going that route. it’s a bit early in the manhwa to tell) - weird why is my heart going dokidoki when I’m with ML - employers love her: the 10 year old with 20 years of work experience

ML - Siegren 

- congratulations you found the long lost CROWN PRINCE - original FL who? meh - when will FL notice my ~feelings~  - tbh young!Siegren kind of looks like Eren Yeager :v

Rating: Yes PLEASE READ THIS Status (as of 26 May 2022) Only about 40 chapters out and it’s post S1 hiatus time. Definitely a long way to go, the original FL just appeared and the main couple are definitely nowhere near *insert original title here* I think they just did the *oh no I think I’m in love subtle blush* like a few chapters ago. The last S1 chapter was a pretty good/satisfying stopping point though. 

Same Same but Different   - A Villain is a Good Match for a Tyrant   - This Villainess wants a Divorce   - As you wish, Prince   - I choose the Emperor Ending

full rec list

[destinyc1020]

Yeah I think everyone is a little bit right tbh. Its probably a mix of reasons. I think another thing people might not realise is social media presence can very much effect your "look" which effects how hollywood views you. This of course depends on the actors reach because Florence is a big goof on ig (love her) but she doesnt have that much of a sm presence so it doesn't effect people's perception of her. Basically not that many people see it for it to influence her look to the majority of people. She's seen as a great actress whereas with actors like z and tom who have a massive engagement and go viral over the smallest things need to be more careful because a big part of their following are people who don't even follow them for their work, their social media is a whole different beast in itself that a video or post could be seen by more people than their own projects. So what they post and how they portray themselves very much has an influence on their career as a certain role would. It sounds ridiculous but if tom posted as much much weird and goofy stuff as he used to then thats how his audience but also hollywood (directors, studios etc) will view him. Kinda like how people just view him as Peter parker and some people don't take him seriously because of it. I dont have the link but I read a discussion about it before and it was super interesting. Many younger actors are now encouraged to keep their social media very mysterious (like timmys) because another effect it can have is people now more than ever actually know what a celebrity is like (to a degree) we build up our own image and that can be seen as a negative as casting directors want the audience to associate them with the character and not the actor and obvious thats becoming more difficult. Its even worse for tom because he's already accociated with a young, goofy iconic character but then ontop of that to be associated with cute goofy tom could have him not as desirable for serious roles and studios look at him more for action/comedy movies that cater to his young audience. Toms spoken about moving to the next chapter of his life and wanting to do more serious roles and maybe (just a theory) hes trying to keep his social media a bit more serious. I definitely think that's a big reason zendayas behaviour on sm changed. Her page is a lot more grown up and less personal. It's very professional and I really do think that was strategic to shake the teen image and I do think it helped

Thanks Anon for this in-depth analysis. I totally agree with you. I don't think fans realize just how much your social media "presence" will sometimes have to change, especially the more followers you get, and the more variety of roles you start wanting to go for. Keep in mind, even regular employers sometimes look at someone's social media posting habits and decide whether to hire you based on THAT alone. So yea, Tom and Z go viral just for breathing these days lol, so they have definitely scaled back somewhat on what they post...which is SMART actually imo. I've always felt that it's a little better to be mysterious anyway as opposed to posting everything. If I had to choose an extreme, I'd much prefer the opposite, because posting every single thing can get you in trouble. The less you post the better honestly. Like you said, a lot of actors don't post too much because they want audiences to see them as the character that they are. The more people feel like they know you, the harder it is for people to see you disappear into a character.

Yea, I miss the days when Z was posting her everyday life every two seconds lol... But now that she's 25 and is trying to get more serious roles as a respected actress in Hollywood, I can't even imagine her posting HALF of the stuff she would post like even just 3 or 4 years ago lol! 😅🤣

Same with Tom. If Tom is looking to do more adult roles, and to shake the Peter Parker image, he's probably not going to be posting 24/7 or posting fluff stuff all the time. Like you said, casting directors see a celebrity's postings as well.

[elfyourmother]

Writing Tag Game

was tagged by @elveny, thank you!

How many works do you have on Ao3?

64. Many, many more that are just on tumblr though...I tend to save AO3 for longer one-shots, but I shouldn’t.

What's your total Ao3 wordcount?

471916.

Not surprising given that I’m primarily a “series of connected one-shots in the same universe” sort of writer as opposed to the huge multichapter behemoth fic sort of writer.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

First and Last and Always with 236 kudos (Mass Effect - Garrus Vakarian/Thane Krios smut.)

Heart of the Phoenix with 227 kudos (my unfinished Kael/Illidan/Vashj-centric fix-it fic rewrite of WoW: Burning Crusade)

Sparring Match with 225 kudos (the Garrus/Thane fic which directly led to FL&A)

The Demands of Prescience with 148 kudos (Dune - Paul/Feyd-Rautha. AU based on the 2000 Sci-Fi Channel miniseries, where Paul spares Feyd in their climactic duel and holds him prisoner instead of killing him)

Pygmalion’s Hand with 115 kudos (Mass Effect - Imani Shepard/Miranda Lawson)

Demands of Prescience is the shocker in that lot tbh, not because I’m not proud of it (I genuinely think it’s one of the best fics I’ve ever written), but because it’s based on a now relatively obscure (out of print, even!) cable tv adaptation of the first novel, and I almost never write fic about anything but video games. But it shot up in my stats imo almost entirely due to new fans discovering the books after the trailer was first released for the new Villenueve adaptation. I only expect that to continue once the film is actually released and new fans are looking for fics.

Aside from that, I guess I’m continually shocked at the enduring popularity of Heart of the Phoenix given the fact that I never finished it and the opening chapters are so fucking bad, and I really sincerely wish I had the energy to go back and continue that rewrite and finish it.

More Q&As under the cut.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I’ll be honest, this was never an expectation of authors that I was aware of until people started talking about it here a few years ago. When I was coming up in the pre-AO3 dinosaur era of netfic it wasn’t? But now I try, if only because comments are my lifeblood and I get so few of them and I really genuinely feel grateful to the rare souls that actually do take the time to comment when so many don’t. Sometimes I don’t have the spoons to do it right away, but I try to get to every comment eventually.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Oh that’s easy, Between the Seconds, a maybe-maybe not canonical account of what actually happened during Gisele’s battle with Shinryu in Ala Mhigo. The ambivalence over whether or not it’s canon is entirely to do with the fact that after the fight, when they’re back in the menagerie, she ends up very impulsively having sex with Zenos, after which canon ensues, which is why it’s so fucking angsty. Much more so than anything else I tend to write, even considering Zenos died a Disney death there. I’m not averse to angst but I need light at the end of the tunnel and there just isn’t any there.

But tbh Gisele/Zenos is an incredibly fraught ship to me for a lot of reasons and probably the only one I feel legitimately guilty about, which is why I’m not sure it will ever be canon in her verse and writing about it tends to only be in that weird recurring dreamverse of hers where she married him to secure peace between the Empire and Ala Mhigo/Doma.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

It would be easier to rank the cuteness of Sanrio characters tbh. Heart of the Phoenix’s planned ending would likely be it if I ever actually finished it (I’ve known for years how it will end though). But for things I’ve actually done? I Want to Wake Up in a City That Doesn’t Sleep. Emet comes back and ends up joining the Scions. Can’t get much happier than that for me, a known Emetfucker.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

Gisele’s entire story in Eorzea is a massively insane yet 100% plausible crossover with Dragon Age, so.

It’s not even the craziest one I’ve written though. That would be Last Exit Before Midgard, which is a continuation of Thor: Ragnarok where the Asgardian refugee ship never encountered Thanos, but instead landed in the Fereldan Hinterlands outside of Redcliffe and met Queen Gisele & the gang. Another one I never finished.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

More times than I can count tbh. Some of it was trolling when I was being targeted by chan kiddies and those dreamwidth hate comms for harassment, some of it was just sincere hate of the sort DA is notorious for--people genuinely getting shitty telling me fics based on my actual lived experience offended their sensibilities and shit. Almost all of it was due to being a visible and outspoken Black woc in fandom and not anything to do with the actual perceived quality of my work. Before that, it was just straight up fun policing--fangirls mad I wrote their hunky fave Alistair as bi, WoW stans mad I wrote Illidan with a shred of compassion, etc etc.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

A good portion of what I write involves smut tbh. Of all kinds, really! But healthy, risk-aware kink is usually involved. Magical healing sex is also legit one of my favorite tropes. But in general it tends to be really raunchy and simultaneously emotionally driven, which is what I always strive for tbh.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not a specific fic, but I’ve had OCs wholesale plagiarized before. It was rampant in the Bioware fandoms for years and I was far from the only person stolen from like that.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, a few into Russian and at least one into Cantonese. I was extremely flattered when asked and the people were super nice about it.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I never will. Collab storytelling (RPing esp.) has never ended well for me in the past. Dandy is the only person I trust to work with and even then we’ve never actually written a fic together, just worked in the same shared universe (our take on Azeroth), handling different parts to it.

What's your all time favourite ship?

Impossible to say. I’m a polyshipper and a multishipper. I don’t rank ships and I don’t do OTPs.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Heart of the Phoenix. I feel like that ship has sailed, and it makes me so fucking sad. Once in a while I’ll get a beautiful comment on it making me want to go back to it. But getting back in the mindset. And my sub has been gone for years now so I have no way of doing in-game research anymore, and going on wowpedia or whatever would just expose me to what’s been going on in canon in the years since I quit and just fill me with rage.

What are your writing strengths?

Capturing character voices accurately and characterization in general. Also: lush, immersive language. I roll around in it like a cat in ’nip, shamelessly so.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Sometimes my phrasing can get a little overwrought tbqh. I also lean pretty hard on certain turns of phrase, too much at times.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Eh, it can really go either way.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I always say Highlander in the sense of organized fandom, but the real answer to this is the Zelda fics I used to write at age 9, based on the then-current cartoon. Ya girl is old.

What's our favourite fic you've written?

Again I don’t pick favorites, I can’t rank these things. Right now? Tied between Cherchez Les Femmes and I Want to Wake Up in a City That Doesn’t Sleep. The former because it’s just Gender: the Fic and appealing to my very specific interests of gnc bi men being loved on (and stupid hot group sex), the latter almost entirely because of the climax with the Scions arguing over whether or not to let Emet join them. It was one of the hardest scenes I’ve ever had to write for the sheer number of characters involved, most of whom I’d either never written before (Alisaie) or very rarely (Urianger, Thancred), and three of whom never had any canonical interactions with Emet at all (Haurche, Ysayle, and Estinien). And despite all that I think I nailed it, against all odds. It was very satisfying to write and I go back to it a lot.

[andoqin]

K-Dramas of 2020

Well, like the general mood of 2020, the dramas this year were uh, certainly an adventure. I was going to put all the dramas I watched this year here, but uh. This turned out longer than expected so I’ll guess I’ll separate K-dramas at the very least.

Putting this behind a cut because Long.

Completed:

365: Repeat the year: I barely remember this one, but I gave it 8/10 on MDL, maybe I should lower that, because honestly all I remember are the time-travel meet up set and the main actors.

CHIP-IN: A short who-dunnit, which has interesting characters, although the show was very wise to be capped at 8 Episodes, because the “mystery” was pretty predictable and also starting to wear thin. Still, the younger cast was stellar and I hope we get to see them in more.

Diary of a Prosecutor: The cases in this drama were actually legit interesting to me and I found the politicking surprisingly not bad. People were flawed in very human ways, but the drama gave us enough time with our main characters to enjoy getting to know all of them.

Do you like Brahms: Contender for worst drama of the year for me, good lord I hated the way this tanked its story line, its characters and the romance. Is it believable that the main characters might act this way? ... Debatable. Is it entertaining to watch? Hell fucking no. Don’t watch this one, unless you like stupid misunderstandings and non communication. 

Extracurricular: Short action-y show on Netflix that makes me hopeful for what Sweet Home might be. 

Flower of Evil: Lee Jun Ki gets to suffer prettily. That is All. Okay Moon Chae Won and LJK were great together, but it got almost makjang-y by the end. 

Hospital Playlist: Delightful Slice of Life Medical show, that despite its delightfulness never quite got me. Very enjoyable and at 12 episodes it doesn’t overstay its welcome, but it didn’t stay with me either. 

Hot Stove League: Pretty entertaining and as a drama about sports management seems reasonably accurate? (Not that I’d know of course). 

Hyena: Flawed as heck in some aspects (the lawyer-plotting got lulzy and boring at the same time), but oh my god some of the HOTTEST chemistry this way from sunday. Joo Ji Hoon and Kim Hye Soo just crackled anytime they were on screen together and Joo Ji Hoon as the high powered lawyer who falls head over heels in love with KHS’s character who is more reluctant to act on those feelings is just *chefs kiss*. Also didn’t suffer the Dreaded Plot Denuement of 2020 (DPD2020). Sure the latter half wasn’t as tight as the beginning, but it stuck the landing and that’s all that matters. 

Into the Ring: Weird camera angles and sometimes overly sharp edited shots aside, this had a solid romance, great characters, great romance and almost made me want to get into community politics lmao. 

It’s Okay Not To Be Okay (Psycho But It’s Okay): The first half of this show is just *amazing*, the way the scenes transition is pretty much film-like and the main character trio is stunningly well acted. Sadly the story with the mom is resolved in the weirdest fucking way, but the drama decides to do the smart thing and just forget about it once that’s done and the finale made me cry ;_;. 

Itaewon Class: Sadly also suffered the DPD2020. I was really into the first half, loved the way the characters found support in each other, plus: a main trans character! Handled really well! Also iconic OST. I was one of the few people who was into the romance of the main couple, but the way the latter half of the plot developed was just completely nonsensical and felt like the writer was just trying to tie off the lose ends as much as possible. 

Kingdom Season 2: The first season was stellar and this continues the trend! Although it doesn’t quite reach the highs of the first season I am still so looking forward to season 3! More Joseon zombies please!

Money Game: I... apparently watched this, and looking at the logo there is some vague feeling of “Yeah this is familiar”. But nothing else...

Mr. Heart: Okay-ish BL drama that has it’s cute moments but nothing that made me go “Ooooh”. I am glad SK is getting in on this trend though!

My Holo Love: So all of those Robot/AI shows that came before that I’ve seen and had the premise of “Oh no, I’ve fallen for a ROBOT” when it either turned out their object of affection was either human or actually a robot, but their human counterpart was so shitty that no sane person would like them worked pretty well for me. This one didn’t. From what I remember the heroine does very much fall for the holographic version of this guy, but the human version is *different* and yet whoops the main couple is still human/human. Granted you can’t really do romantic kiss scenes between a girl and nothing, but the switch-over felt abrupt and the way our main lady just transfers her affections to the dude never sat right to me. 

Mystic Pop Up Bar: Quite a few dramas this year went with 12 eps, and were all the better for it. Hwang Jung Eum is incredibly hit or miss with me (mostly it’s miss honestly), but in this one she’s used really well and I liked the way the premise was used!

Private Lives: I recently wrote a longer post about this, but honestly another victim of terrible writing and maybe DPD2020. 

Stranger 2: Love! Not as much as Season 1, but man this writer is *so* good at writing smart and interesting plots and looking at things from many different angles!

Tale of the Nine Tailed: Flawed but man do I ever love the OTP. Like really really love it. Plus it stuck the landing for me in a way few dramas did in recent months.

The School Nurse Files: So weird. So fucking weird. And yet, so very entertaining. Thanks to its short length ( I think) some plot threads felt very much unceremoniously dropped, but it has a canon lesbian couple!

The World of the Married: Makjang to the Nth degree, got kind of exhausting by the end, but Kim Hee Ae is so good. 

Train: Yoon Shi Yoon gets to suffer prettily! 

When the Weather is Fine: Kinda mellow and sweet and I wish I could live like the main character does (just have a bookshop in the middle of nowhere and still no money issues??? The Dream) but for that also not super memorable. 

Where Your Eyes Linger: SK’s first major Webdrama I believe? Cute and as a foray into this genre not bad, but I hope this is just a taste of things to come.

Dropped:

Hi Bye, Mama: So many people loved this, I couldn’t get over the basic premise and the way my brain tried to tie the logic in this together made my head hurt.  The King: Eternal Monarch: Maybe KES dramas just aren’t for me, I didn’t like the plot or the main couple. Woo Do Hwan and Kim Kyung Nam were amazing though and please please I beg both of you do more stuff. 

18 Again: Nope. Lee Do Hyun is pretty, but the setup drove me bonkers and I pretty much liked no one. 

Zombie Detective: Yikes no thank you. Complete mismatch of tones I wanted and the drama gave me. 

Romantic Teacher Dr. Kim 2: Zzzzzzzzz. I found the first one mildly entertaining at least but this one just made me fall asleep immediately. 

Black Dog: Yeah I watched like 2 Episodes of this and lost interest. 

Search: I’ve watched like 6 eps and I know there’s zombies, but I couldn’t tell you much more tbh.

Start-Up: I watched 2 episodes in the beginning, didn’t think I’d want to live watch this and then just popcorned the tag until it got insufferable with the ship wars and this dropped out of my watch list pretty immediately.

Record of Youth: Pretty much the same deal as with Start-Up only in this case there wasn’t so much a shipwar as the tag showing me that this drama would *not* be my bag at all. 

Still Watching: 

Kairos: Hmmmm timey-wimey stuff. The FL is this close to losing me though. The fact I thought it plausible that she would murder someone just based on a TEXT from someone else says it all. (She didn’t, thank god, and seems to have found a few of her lost braincells, but by god she was frustrating). 

Birthcare Center: I like what it’s trying to say and the main character and her husband are very cute, but a lot of the side characters don’t really interest me. It’s only an 8 ep drama, so I might finish this.

The Spies Who Loved Me: Honestly I’m this close to dropping it. Only my intense love for Yoo In Na and fondness for Eric are keeping me going. But she might not end up with Eric and I’m gonna be mad. Honestly if they just went OT3 I’d be really cool with this, but despite the small advancements in dramaland, they aint ready for that yet. 

Lies of Lies: I watched 2 eps and I might continue (the premise seems hilariously makjang and sometimes I’m into that, but it’s *very* much on the backburner)

The Uncanny Counter: Delightful Webtoon vibe, with some great visuals and actually nice action. I’ve only seen 2 eps so far but at least they don’t want to make me poke my eyes out or make me fall asleep. Let’s hope it avoids the DPD2020 plague. 

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Fl4k Fl4k Fl4k Fl4k Fl-

i didn’t die i just fell in love with that skill tree creator and have done nothing for the past few days but make skill trees and sleep for 3 hour intervals. im very excited for the gameplay on Wednesday but oh man oh me oh my i gotta catch up on a lot of posts lol

tl;dr: Fl4k is a badass. Stop misgendering them or I’ll show up at your home at 3am local time every time and then eat your spine. Bonus: Mr. Chew being an ‘Eridian skag’ is probably due to some funky mutation from eridium/slag/eridian stuff. Kinda like how Threshers have the ability to make singularities because they are native to Elpis, which is a big ol’ Eridian base (which i totally addressed in this post lol). I also gave my opinion on Fl4k’s skills in general, if you’re interested in that. Overall, a very awesome trailer! Definitely lived up to the hype.

i said it before, this trailer was one of the best ones. definitely #2 for me, Zane is still at #1 because i actually laughed during it. the music in this one is definitely the best out of all 4 tho. seems like they’re all variations of the same song, i like this one best. I need this soundtrack sooo bad.

also i know probably no one else following this blog watches one piece but like

that first footstep with the studded boot and the sound effect immediately flung me back to katakuri. god katakuri was a badass. i was so excited to see that fight animated.

mr chew spinning around is my favorite thing ever. i love that you can tell the personality of the pets just from watching the intro. 

i know fl4k is like a real badass in this trailer, but i get the feeling they’re going to end up being at least a little soft for their pets. i mean... they have stuffed animals of them ffs.

so... we’re near Sanctuary-III in this trailer? I gotta keep my eye out then. i also want to see if that one claptrap area guess i had is correct or not... this looks like an entryway for the garage so im guessing i wasn’t, but let’s seeeee

there is a raised bit up and to the left

also im wondering if this means we’re going to have to rescue ellie from the CoV.

hmmmmmmmm

hmmmmm i don’t think the signs match up.

mr chew is the goodest boy. im so glad we can pet/interact with him!! i want to know what the names of the other pets are

also, a bit off topic but

i could have sworn fl4k’s jabber was cryo/shock. it was blue, wasn’t it? i wonder if they changed it or if it’s skill upgrades change its color. i thought the upgrades just gave it better guns.

yeah it was! i guess possibly upgrading it with the guns gives it a new color scheme? maybe? this could be the gunslinger upgrade!

it looks like their jabber went through the most design changes out of all of the pets. that or this is yet another upgrade (since each pet has 3 states). maybe this is the beefcake version.

‘bitch’. i love how expressive fl4k is with just the eye. very well done.

ohhh you know what that building is in the back?

[we’re near the intro to the game!]*

and tbh i don’t think this place has the building for Ellie’s Scrap in it... i don’t see it anywhere. maybe this is the actual scrapyard and the building is on the other side?

not quite sure tbh. but at least we know this place may also be near sanc-iii, just maybe not the same area as the actual Ellie’s Scrap.

i mean... there IS a shitload of cars everywhere. i wouldn’t surprised if it’s near her garage cause it looks like a scrapyard.

but also where in the fuck are all these ‘normal’ looking cars coming from?? it’s not like we see them being used on pandora. all the ones we see in bl1/2 are clearly dilapidated and rusting. big thonk. at least the vans/busses kinda make sense.

oh yeah that is definitely the same building. [it’s the recruitment center!]*

this scene with the rakk is my favorite out of all the trailers. so fuckin cool

i do hope the jabber goes back to being blue at some point. i like the red design too, don’t get me wrong, but i much prefer the glowy blue. it’s my favorite color and you guys know i love glowing things 👀

<Huge Selection!!!> lol

cat/doggo/monkey. mr chew is my favorite pet but i love the jabber panting like a dog lol

i never knew this is where spiderant mouths were

i always assumed they were below that... f r e a k y

“he likes to chase cars”

fl4k probably took them to the scrapyard for this exact reason ngl. fl4k being a big softie to their pets confirmed

(also, notice how fl4k uses ‘he’ for mr chew. it’s almost as if they understand the concept of gender, chose their own pronouns, and your argument that they only are nonbinary only because they “don’t understand yet” is invalid! Fl4k is canonically nonbinary and uses they/them/theirs pronouns as confirmed by both SungWon Cho and their in-game skills. 

Now that you know, use they/them/theirs for Fl4k or get off my blog. Because by not doing so, you are disrespecting the devs’ wishes for this character AND the nonbinary people who find representation in them and I won’t support that. if you feel like arguing your reasons to purposefully misgender them even after knowing this, please DM me so I can block you. thanks! 

For those of you out there actually making an effort: mistakes happen, especially if Fl4k is the first NB person you’ve learned about. Just make sure to correct yourself then move on, and we’re okay. Everyone has to learn sometime and it’s better to put in the effort than not care at all. It will become second nature.)

Fl4k is such a badass, they really are way different than i expected (personality-wise), but i am not complaining. gearbox knows me better than i know myself, so i know i’m going to end up loving Fl4k anyway. ProZD did such a fantastic job, i honestly did not recognize him at first! i can tell with certain words now, but wow i am blown away. 

i hope we’re able to climb that bird’s nest lookin’ thing in the back. it would be perfect for sniping and/or placing ur clone for maximum coverage.

seriously, what a badass.

idk i feel obligated to give my opinions of Fl4k over here since they were recently released. I am digging them 100%, tho i was kinda surprised (not in a bad way) they’re not as... i guess soft as i was expecting from their character design with the plushes and the face on the backpack and the smiley face pin, but i imagine that’s different when they’re interacting with their pets. im super curious to see how this VH group’s dynamic is going to go. 

mechanically, their skills seem perfect for people who loved sniper Zer0 and in general Mordecai, with a splash of Salvador tossed in for good luck. I am a dirty melee Zer0 main and i prefered Phasewalking over Bloodwing (altho i still play mordy bc he’s best bl1 VH) so, while I am definitely going to give Fl4k a go, they’re not my main bl3 Vault Hunter, that’s reserved for Zane and his lovely ability to befuddle enemies and run around. Funnily enough, I’m not even a fan of pet classes, so Fl4k being second in my play order is pretty funny. Tho, yeah, Amara being last is also pretty weird. I guess I don’t necessarily enjoy melee, I just enjoy messing with the bad guys lol

ohh, also, I am most interested in the upgrade for mr. chew that gives him the ability to create singularities and is called ‘Eridian Skag’. 

so I’m not saying my theory that the threshers on the moon were connected to Eridians was right, I’m just saying they’re the only form of wildlife we know that has a singularity ability (outside of Mr. Chew, apparently). 

im just saying gearbox, you should hire me to write your deep lore for you cause i’d do it for free

im wondering if we’ll be seeing skags with wormhole abilities in bl3. maybe the constant exposure to slag is starting to mutate them further beyond just elemental bonuses (on badass skags). We know Maya’s phaselock has a singularity ability (so does Amara’s phasegrasp), and that is sorta ‘occurring naturally’ (you know, as natural as siren powers can get) unlike the singularity grenades we encounter which use our known technology. plus, uh, whatever happened to the destroyer’s eye in TPS that made it create a singularity/wormhole by injecting it with a fuckload of slag. that probably has something to do with this as well.

but geez i really hope mr. chew is okay with being all slag/eridium-ed up. i guess being badass elemental skags doesn’t appear to hurt them, just make them more powerful, unlike humans. maybe that has something to do with sentience, if slag/eridium/eridian stuff actually is driving bandits crazy. could explain why/if the jabber doesn’t get an element like the skag (eridian skag) and spiderant (fire) do, since they’re described as semi-sentient...

anyway.

Fl4k is cool. Definitely a neat trailer- my second favorite for sure- and the skill tree drop blew me away because i was not expecting it. im expecting a lot of Fl4k mains in the first few weeks of gameplay because they look like a lot of fun!

EDIT: i was wrong, in the newest IGN vid, it turns out we ARE near the recruitment center, because that IS the recruitment center

they gave them little orange flags! good to know!!

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N} Waiting on the Sun to Rise.

Oh how I wish that ol’ sun would rise~♫

I wrote a bit. {Points down.} It’s nothing special, 2nd POV just ‘cause idk what’s going on with anything again and it feels weird to try and write dedicated pieces when stuff’s off. {Waves a hand in a circle.} Said it before, but this time I’m trying not to let it keep me from writing. Used to use that as an excuse to not write or do anything but I keep saying if I keep that up I’ll literally never do anything and I’m in my 30′s, now.

I’m ready to do stuff. And so I’m gonna do stuff.

I’ve been reading “The Writer’s Process” by Anne Janzer, which was recommended to authors who want to know how to prep for writing seriously, sort of like a “how to get started writing novels” 101 book. It had really good reviews on Amazon and I’m on Chapter Five right now. It’s only about 200 pages long, if that, but it’s honestly really useful. It’s got good tips on balancing work/personal life with trying to write (like you have to actually dedicate time to write, can’t just expect to write a novel on wishful thinking) or how to help stimulate creativity. It includes tidbits and tips from psychologists who have done studies on the best way to tackle creative processes like writing so you can get the most out of your writing; it’s really been a helpful tool. The chapter I’m on right now talks about tackling procrastination, lmao, and how to self-discipline--which I have said is one of my biggest problems. I make excuses, I find reasons to not write, I let myself get distracted, but I’ve been saying all year I’m tired of looking back on the year before and spying all the wasted time and just sighing @ myself.

There’s no excuse other than me being lazy and/or making excuses. The older I get, the less forgiving I get with myself about it.

My 20′s I am now realizing was really not a good time for me to try and get published, I’m sort of allowing myself a pass because now that I’m out of that decade, I realize I was working through a lot of shit. I was still dealing with abuse into my late 20′s and while no one’s life is perfect I recognize that I wasn’t in a good enough headspace to dig deep and write well. My emotions are 97% of my writing and they weren’t right. Now that I’m in a better place in all aspects (still working on the living situation, but got less than a year to go, there) I can shelve the self-reflective work and start trying to make something of this talent and imagination I’ve got.

I don’t really know where this aggressive, “I am going to write.” mojo has come from. I mean I’ve always, always known I wanted to be an author but it was sort of a hobby more than a career. I wasn’t taking it seriously and there’s probably lots of reasons for that--

1. Was dealing with depression and teetering on finding any self-worth enough to try to make something of myself. 2. Been told from a young age that I was not good enough and to give up/not bother trying because I won’t make it. 3. Afraid of failure and the resulting, “I told you so”‘s.

So yeah. I just hid behind fanfiction and sprinkling my OC’s and plotlines through fandom work, which allowed me to express what I wanted to express without fear of failure or putting myself out there. But that’s not enough, at least...I don’t know. I’ll always have a heavy preference for writing for FL and Monica and stuff, but I treat that like...hm. Almost like a treat? It’s a treat for me. To give something of myself to someone I love very much. Her reactions will always be my favorite.

Stepping outside of that, though, fanfiction stopped being enough for me a number of years ago. It was too confining, I had so many ideas and characters and themes and stuff I wanted to put out there that I didn’t want to work in a confined space anymore. Y’know that saying, “Of course you’re uncomfortable and unhappy where you are--you’ve grown, you’ve changed, you are no longer that person. It’s time to move on.”

I feel that.

It was like wearing a pair of shoes that were too small. Yes, I could wear them and get somewhere, but not the distance I needed, and wanted to go. My hopes of being published haven’t gone away. I’m scared to try still, lol, I know my writing’s good, it’s the one thing I know I’m good at, but the way I want to do it is different than the norm. In a way, selfishly, I feel like Christine. She was one of the only people writing paranormal romance when she started, and she’s said how she had to push and push to get her publisher to take a chance on her work, that she knew she had something good and she didn’t give up on it. And now, we have the Carpathians. ♥ I’m somewhat in the same boat with wanting to write 2nd POV. I’m totally capable of making a heroine and giving her a name and backstory but I know what I like to read when I read fanfiction. 2nd POV. It’s more personal, it resonates, and tbh it helped me through some really difficult parts of my life. I want to return that to my readers. To give them that personal immersion that 2nd POV provides. But those aren’t the books that are published.

I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t have a novel finished or anything, lmao. I just, it’s one of my fears. That I’ll write this novel in 2nd POV and not be able to get it published...but I suppose I should cross the first part of that particular problem before anything else. Can’t fret about being published if there ain’t shit TO publish, DOT.

I’ve got a few novel ideas. Milano hasn’t gone away, lol. He still lurks about, like he’s just waiting for me to get my ass in gear and actually write his book properly.

...I really did sort of just use Yu Yu Hakusho to sort of write my own practice novel of Milano’s, lmao, if I’m being honest. I mean I did also want to go the hipster route and write for Yusuke because he was so under-loved in the community and I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t subjugating favoritism but truthfully I wanted to let Milano loose. I was proud of him, proud of the story and world I’d created around him, and I needed an outlet for it and was too young to know what to do with what I had. Was fucking 18 years old, fresh out of high school, and in way over my head honestly. Now that I’m matured, older, and my ADHD isn’t kicking my brain around like a pinball machine, I think I can do him proper justice.

So yes, Milano, I will still be writing your novel. Just uh, don’t ask me when. Baby steps.

I also have Bram’s story that I wrote 20 some odd pages of outline and prep work on, that I fully intended to novelize. And I still think I have something there, so hold onto your obsession, Bram. You’re up on the board, too.

The most recent idea I had was for a series of novels, called Help Wanted. It actually started from the most recent story I wrote for Monica, where she delivered those specialized herbs to Milano. I essentially work in a service industry and it got me thinking about how I like to take care of people, that you don’t typically see that in romance novels. Usually the heroine is the one being taken care of and while I won’t object to that, I also like to do the taking care of. And it’s not an itch I get to scratch a lot, when I read. So I have been tossing around this series of novels where the heroine of each book is a caregiver of some sorts, taking care of the love interest in some way, shape, or form.

For example, the idea I came up with today was for a human nanny (the reader) who gets hired by a vampire to take care of his child after his wife was staked/murdered. The vampire is hopeless as a father and needs all the help he can get, and his child needs a proper caregiver. The nanny comes highly recommended and to make matters worse, when shown a list of potential caregivers the child picks her out of all the other candidates. The vampire is wary of allowing a human in his home but he’s rewarded when his little one flourishes under the love and attention the new nanny brings. Can the vampire come to trust and love one of the very same who killed his late wife?

Another idea I had was for a bubbly housekeeper/caregiver who comes to care for a depressed zombie/undead. The undead can barely take care of themselves and the caregiver was hired by a Wellness Committee, who keep tabs on supernaturals (think like child or elder protective services). The undead wants nothing to do with life but can’t die--but maybe, just maybe, with a little bit of TLC from their caregiver they can learn to live again. Happily, with the one who truly saved their soul.

Obviously don’t judge me too harshly, I’m literally like two days into this idea, lmao. It’s rough around the edges, like super rough, but it’s something that speaks to me. It’d be sort of like the Carpathians as in like, a shared universe, with all sorts of different love interests per novel--it’d be paranormal so there’d be monsters and demons and ghosts, weres and mers and just--maybe even superheroes! Or that could be a spin-off series or just--

See it’s just a lot and it’s all brand new and I’m still working all this out.

BUT! What’s exciting to me is that I have ideas, still. I still want to write, I’m still living in this creative, imaginary headspace and I’m still wanting to share that world. I think I’ll just always be this person, and that’s not a complaint. I’m glad. Imaginary places got me through my childhood and tbh it’s what’s getting me through this hectic shit we call adulthood.

I’ve been saying, all year, that I’m going to keep going and I’ll probably keep saying it. I’m still working a lot of stuff out, still figuring out my writing process and I need to get back to writing every day (I did it for the first three months of the year so I know I can do it) so that when the time comes for me to sit down and write for Milano, for Bram, for Help Wanted--

That I’ll still be ready to go. 💕

[stillwooozy]

im tired of people being elitist about covid shit and just ... judgemental. Im talking about you, paul. imagine if he found this blog. he’d be like “oh yea thats my bestie” in a heartbeat tbh. Doesnt know about ‘kin shit but... its really not far off. altho he doesnt give a shit about anime. i should make him watch aot but he would probably hate it. Also idk if even watches tv shows. I rarely do either but i think i can force him. I forced my sister & it took.... since 2013? to be fair, she was 12, & i showed her the first episode were my mom was eaten.... and she like “NOPE TRAUMA” and avoided it until 2 months ago. so yea next time i see paul for a while i’ll get him to watch aot. For the sole reason....... he will see Eren and go “thats you bro” in the worst way possible. i have a shirt - basically cosplay old fashioned ya know the one eren wears but in the current off-white color. And he was kinda joking, but not really, we were at some boho shop in southern FL and he was like “this looks like something you’d wear”. Which I was like 🥺🥺🥺 thank u for the validation uwu and then bought the shirt & made fun of him for pointing it out funny part is i dont wear... medieval shit? like that? i dont rly wear boho hippy shit. i wear the same hoodie i’ve worn since middle school.... honestly shameful. but washers exist & i had an old roommate (damn it feels forever ago i lived in boystown) and she was good at sewing. also i had no money then. i still have none now but i reconciled stuff w/ my family to an extent so my grandparents buy me clothes so to be clear i dont look like a hobo at all. when i choose not too.

I tried to dress nice around paul for a bit to ~seduce~ him but now im like. im wearing my crusty hiking pants that are actually my moms old clothes & a hoodie & that one carhart beanie i bought w/ you in Michigan 3 yrs ago. #fashion.

And now hes fucking bisexual & nonbinary????????????? .... after going to LA for 2 months & meeting a not gay twink 😔 Altho that was after i lost total interest in him as i got to know his personality better

Bro my cousin came out, yea the one named Zeke not a fake name like Paul is cuz Paul has a weird name so... wont share, anyways Zeke is now trans mtf but also he’s fucked on meth atm so like :/ no judgement. Ill see him in the summer & i’ll be there for her but... idk.

I mean im recently “out” on this blog that i’m not “not actually cis” but intersex. but i dealt w/ that shit long ago & hate thinking about & it doesnt impact my life at all so i’m lucky - i know. i just.. im not really cis, i’m not really trans, my parents hate me for it cuz im burden. Sorry i got all their worst traits combined. I want to say one of em is not actually my bio parent but i look so much alike both of them. But also all jewish people look alike. Everyone thinks paul is my brother, we’re not related... at all.

[sixmorningsafter]

76 Theses

Oh hey there, Gabi. Long time no see. Hope your summer is going well as if I don’t already know because I follow you on Instagram, and I hope your med school prep isn’t destroying you I’m going to grad school in the fall, so girl I can only imagine. EDIT: GIRL HOW DID YOU POST A CHAPTER TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU MOVED AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER PLACE FOR FREAKIN’ MED SCHOOL

LMAOOOO FWIW I didn’t start over, I literally moved like 30 minutes away (and my family did a solid 75% of the work because what are big over-involved Puerto Rican families for). Summer was GLORIOUS. And 6 months ago, loooooool, I’M THE WORST. But you’re the best. This review is the best. Hope you’re crushing grad school (I know you are instinctively but I also know you are because I’ve talked to you about it and despite your humble nonsense I can tell you’re killin’ it). ANYWAY, diving on in to this literary masterpiece of a review:

Anyways, let me start by saying, literally every time you post a new chapter, I think “I’m ready, let’s go”. But literally, every time I read a new chapter, I am not ready, and you slay me every single freakin’ time. Dude, I have no clue how you do it, but every time, I die. Any more deaths, and I’d be a freakin’ Winchester.

A/N: looooool that’s incredible because every time I post a new chapter I think ‘this is it, this is where everyone realizes I don’t actually know how to write, it’s been fun’. But in all seriousness, girl, the fact that you make a point to send reviews after every chapter and go into detail like this is just–like honestly it’s reason enough to crank out 30K words of my bullshit. Not even kidding. If literally no one but you read this story I’d still write it because getting your hilarious whip-smart reviews are life. It’s so appreciated. It’s so appreciated.  

Off the bat, while you may believe this is a “filler” chapter, it is a damn good filler I wish I could write filler chapters as nicely and uniquely wtf. If you meant filler as in full of wonderful delightfulness, then yas girl this is the filler-est of filler chapters. Because if you meant this is some fluff piece that has nothing of substance, if you thought for once second that we aren’t thriving off the Bamon drama of the Steroline giggles, we’d all have to chase you out of town good thing you’re already moving.

This chapter is amazing, and on a personal spiritual level, I still can not get over your similes. I know that sounds silly and amateur, but while you’re hella awesome at metaphors, your similes, dude, are unique af, and every single time I write something that barely resembles something you’ve written, I’m staring at my screen like what the actual fuck is the nonsense? Sooooo, rest assured, this chapter is awesome (to be explained in great detail), and you’re awesome too (also to be explained in greater detail).

LMAOOOOO CASSIE I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT A FUCKING SIMILE WAS HELP ME WHY AM I HERE. But DUDE, I actually have some words to say about this, the first ones being - GAH. Thanks so, so much love. I’m beaming. The second ones being - I ALWAYS think they’re weird when I write them. Seriously. Like that feeling you said you get when you try getting creative with a description is the exact same one I get -ROLL WITH IT. I had to learn that by just sucking it up and posting shit with unusual descriptions and then seeing what kind of feedback I got for it (which tbh makes it sound like I’ve been doing it for a while lololol but I actually just recently started challenging myself to get more creative with my descriptions for things). It actually came from constantly reading writing with cool imagery (Six of Crows was a great one!) and realizing that they never fell back on tired/common metaphors. They always used something unique (Kaz’s voice being like dry leaves scattering across pavement or w/e? Lmao you know how I felt about the constant descriptions of Kaz’s voice but I loved that one). I’m clearly nowhere near that level but I’ve definitely taken to stopping a few times while writing and going, ‘Wait. This is a chance to come up with something cool. Slow down. Do better.’ Cause tbh I have no instinct for it. I don’t think in creative metaphors or similes or whatever. But if I labor over it for a minute or two I can maybe come up with something, so yeah, THE POINT OF ALL THIS BEING - it probably sounds a lot better to a reader than it will to you. They feel and read unnaturally to me because they don’t come naturally to me, lol, but the people reading probs don’t know that so trust yourself! Do it! Knowing you and your talent they’re probably incredible.

Okay, so, in an attempt not to be mundane, let’s go through this fav line by fav line please forgive me if I just rewrite the whole chapter because ff.net doesn’t let you copy/paste

“She remembered feeling alarmed, a little helpless, like a plastic bag caught in the middle of a hurricane” (us FL girls can spot one another from miles away) (but also???? great simile). Poor Damon, but also poor Bonnie. This girl is just tryna help—it’s the core of her being, tbh—and this boy is too proud. Not like proud-proud, but that oh-shit-I’m-exposed proud. You know.  A/N: AMERICAN BEAUTY REFERENCE WHADDUP. Lol I was channeling that plastic bag shot at the end of the movie. Granted there’s no hurricane in that but you know, us Florida girls put hurricanes into everything. And yeah, that’s a great read on Damon. His pride/confidence is something he uses as a shield more than anything, which isn’t to say it’s fake exactly, but more so something he relies on to stay detached and not really have to deal with things. It’s easy for him to be like ‘world sucks, I don’t care’. Anytime anyone sees below that confidence/armor, though, it’s really destabilizing for him because it makes the reality of his fears/anxieties harder to ignore, ya know?

Kai calling out “Friends?” is the most relatable thing. He’s a murdery little bean.

“And sure, maybe she’s being a giant, hypocritical pot to his doesn’t-deal-with-childhood-trauma kettle…” Yes girl, these lines are really awesome. Also, I like how Bonnie recognizes the cycle right away. She’s like ‘been there done that broseph’.

“Do you have any pop tarts?” this girl asks. Lol when you stress eat. Btw, we never find out if she got them??? I need answers???? I feel like Kai could 3D print pop tarts if he needed to.

“Toodles”: I had a friend (loose usage of the term) in hs who used to say that, for real, and it’s funny ‘cause she was this gossipy diva (Bekah?) and reading this just sent me back. Also, toodles is such a passive-aggressive thing to say, especially for Care. I don’t think toodles has ever been said without the backing vocal of ‘I hate you please die’.

“… the prospect of going through the whole song and dance made her bones ache, it was so tiring.” FINALLY, CAROLINE, YOU’RE FREE OF THE CURSE I can tell not really, but, at least, we’re getting through some of that warding doe. RIGHT!? Lol I was excited to put that bit in because it was sort of my attempted nod to everyone reading that it was okay (actually encouraged!) to feel frustrated with Caroline’s constant mood swings because she herself hated them. They weren’t meant to be read as a some ‘fascinating complicated girl’ thing, you know? I feel like a lot of shows (esp. with male writers) like to write these female characters that are difficult and volatile for the sake of being ‘interesting’ and I kind of wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t going for that. Caroline’s coming from a place of fear. She knows what she’s doing isn’t fair. She knows it’s angering and more trouble than it’s worth. And even more than that, she hates it just as much as everyone else does, and by the time we hit chapter 16, she’s finally too drained to listen to that frantic instinct to self-preserve. She just throws caution to the wind and lets it go. It’s still scary for her but what can you do. But you’re right, she’s getting there!

***Side Note*** when is Tyler gonna be a thing, I need some sma Tyler in my life rn Me toooooooo he’s my husband. He should be popping in for 18 or 19!

Stefan’s recap of what happened, “you planned the homecoming dance at the same time as the football game”/”False” is great. I really love your back-and-forth dialogue, like always, ‘cause it’s natural and it’s funny as hell. Idk, when I write it (or sometimes when I read other people’s), it doesn’t have that same fast pace hilarity. Maybe that’s just me. It’s definitely just you cause I’ve read your dialogue and it’s hilarious, but one thing I’ve found that super speeds up dialogue is removing the dialogue tags. Seriously. Makes a world of difference. Like I don’t think it’s even possible to write an extended snappy exchange with dialogue tags tbh, cause your mind will just naturally slow it down to read the description. Half the time I go back to edit, I’m just removing unnecessary dialogue tags or descriptions that felt needed at the time. It helps if you can pick dialogue that sort of speaks for itself in terms of how it’s said, too (and realizing that once you’ve set the tone of a conversation, you really don’t need to keep re-emphasizing that tone - it really only needs to be addressed if there’s a shift imo). Also, I’ve kind of found that leaving out subjects can both make dialogue sound way more natural and also speed it up. Like even in the example you used below: “You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell” it wouldn’t read the same if it was: “You’re ridiculous.” “I’m effective.” “You’re terrifying.” “I’m productive.” “And you’re impressive as hell.” See how it slows it down? And throw in dialogue tags and it’s even slower. “You’re ridiculous,” he said. “I’m effective,” I countered. “You’re terrifying,” he replied. “I’m productive,” I quipped. “And you’re impressive as hell,” he concluded. To me that just completely changes the speed/flow. So yeah, there’s my unsolicited advice on snappy dialogue, lolololol.

Caroline’s interjection: “Systematic overview” lol

“You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell”—ooooo, Stefan! Your heart-eyes are showing! 

***Side Note*** so, uh, are we ever gonna find out what Stefan allegedly did? Muahaha yes. Kind of. Iz cute.

His deadpan face eased into a smile—one of those twinkling, warm ones that reminded her of honey spilling off a spoon—and predictably, annoyingly, her stomach did a flutter—gold. I feel like you can really get away with lines like this when it comes to Steroline because a) Caroline is a writer and b) Stefan is a Disney prince I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU USED THAT BTW I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF BUT DUUUUDE LISTEN I have so much fun writing in Caroline’s PoV because I can write things in a way that I can’t with other characters. I think you’ll see a lot of that in 17 when Caroline dives into her Matt history. And Stefan’s fun because he’s such a fucking sap so I can get as dumb as I want. He has a scene in 17 where I’m like ‘jesus christ dude get a grip’. Damon’s my annoying son because he’s closed off as hell so I always have to keep his thoughts muted and on-the-brink-of-something. Bonnie probably comes the most easily. Anyway, there’s my response to a question that was never even asked.

“It was the elephant in the room, big and obvious and floating over their heads like a light-up blimp. None of this frothy, chit-chat matters, it read in a glitzy, scrolling marquee, waving its animatronic trunk, y’all are fake.” … Does it ever get exhausting? Knowing that you’re literally the best at this metaphorical imagery thingies that need an actual name so I can use it and throw it in your face like, look at this gabi, think about what you’ve done? I almost cut that out because I thought it would feel random! See? That was one of those ‘pause’ moments where I almost left it as ‘the elephant in the room’ and then was like ‘you can do better than that’, and then after I extended it I was like ‘that sounds weird as hell but whatever roll with it’. So roll with yours, girl!

“An awkward beat passed as they regarded each other in the bright, exposing overhead light”/ “the lighting too clinical for such a personal conversation”. So, recently, coupling physical and metaphorical description has really been my jam, and I am so totally digging this. I have this weird thing where I feel like the lighting has to be soft for intimate conversations and if it’s not I’m like not in the right headspace for it, looool. So I’m glad you’re weird about that with me!

“[Katherine] was tough. Cynical. Her arms would lock tightly around him, jaw set, damning the world and the fucked up people in it.” Nice glimpse at the infamous Katherine Pierce. Can’t wait for a possible cameo from her in the future. NYE! Hopefully. I might be overselling NYE.

“Melted, really, like a clock in a fucking Dali painting.” Ok so like, do you Google this shit or is your brain just going a million miles a minute, coming up with stellar ways of impressing us (me)? Like jfc Gabi, calm down. LOOOL okay that one was instinctive because I compare legit every melty thing to a Dali clock. My sister’s cat has no bones and liquifies into whatever space she inhabits and we call her a melted clock.

“Floaty, useless goddamn feathers” this is cute i’m fine

“The Tylers” mention: Tyler believes in love? Is Tyler a Stefan, and that’s why Defan gels? Does Tyler have a girlfriend or boyfriend or a something?!?!? How cute! I feel like the best way to describe Tyler is like… surprisingly well-adjusted. Like he definitely had some shitty things go down in his life (abusive dad), but he had a loving mom and an unexpected support system in Damon and Katherine and because of that, he’s grown up to be this easy-going, confident guy. He’s definitely got a wild streak because of Damon and Katherine, but even when he went out with them they always kept an eye on him, always kept him out of the real dangerous stuff. He grew up loved. So when it comes to romantic love, he’s a casual optimist about it. He’s not some heart-on-his-sleeve romantic, but he believes it’s out there. His issue is kind of that he gets along with everyone (one of those types), so no one’s really knocked him off his feet yet love-wise. “The Carolines”: oh shit, called out. I love that he can read her like a goddamn book even though they aren’t anything under the surface at all. Like that just shows how good he is at this. Yessss, love that interpretation. I kind of wanted to emphasize how much he has everyone pegged so that it would heighten the contrast to how much he keeps having to redefine Bonnie.

“She’d cracked his varnish”—nice—“so thoughtlessly, like it wasn’t something he relied on”—oh shit—“and for what?/ “For shits and giggles? To see if she could?” Like usually I can handle these lines I’m lying but how sad and fucked up is it that Damon thinks Bonnie was only kind to him for something. I totally understand his mindset (like get where he’s coming from), but jfc honey, Bonnie is the Hufflepuffiest (which kudos btw for using the house for both ships, nice nice, I’m honored on behalf of us honey-badgers) and she literally didn’t try to help for anything. He def. struggles with the idea of people being kind for no reason. AND YAS GIRL HONEY BADGERS UNITE! KINDNESS EVERYWHERE! YOU get some kindness. YOU get some kindness! ERRBODY IN DA CLUB GETTIN KINDNESS.

“He scoffed again, shaking his head—worry. Concern./ “Unwanted things.” CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS THE SHIT, MAN. All us writers out here (or just me idk) are screaming and, probably totally weeping.

“Her eyes looked a little buggy in her magnifying goggles, hair in a mess of curls, and instantly, unwantedly, he felt a bit of the cool distance warm right off him.” Oh silly boy. Like you can actually resist how adorable Bon-bon is. Also, love nerd!Bonnie, can she come back some more? I’m going to incorporate it into 17! I think. Lmao I will now.

“It means I don’t need you to fucking fix me.” Yikes, dude. I always worry that those mood-shift lines aren’t going to pack enough of a punch so I love when you single them out.

“One little emotion glitch”… It’s really interesting you put it this way. Stefonnie are all heartstrings and mush, and Daroline are very ones-and-zeros, very programmed­-and­-defined. And this ties into Kai’s “logic” speech, because while these no-strings-attached sillies think they can avoid what makes us all human, they’ve got another thing coming. These fools are just as sappy-feely as their romantic counterparts. TRUEFAX.COM I wanna change the story description to just that ^^ 

“Relax.” IF THAT SHIT ISN’T THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BONNIE DIDN’T DECK HIM RIGHT THERE. Not to call him out, but my boyfriend does this whenever I get worked up, and I’ve warned him, next time he tells me to relax, he’s getting hit. I literally read Damon’s “relax” in my bf’s voice, and I got so irritated. (Great job). I THINK YOU MEAN YOUR FIANCÉ WHHHAAAATTTTTT

“Your blood type was ‘tequila’.”

“Does that bother you” / “Not as much as it bothers you” OOOO GIRL EXPOSE HIM YAS another line I hoped packed a punch.

“Cat, is he lying?” lol when do they actually name her Never.

“Casually vibrant and loose” reminds me of sunshine for some reason. Sunshiny Caroline is my fav.

“Bonnie’s Caroline. Spirited. Brassy… A hell-raiser with a sparkling stare and a laugh like a bell.” Stefan, babe, stop.

“Badgering the witness!” LOL I’m using this in b&b, you’ve been warned, bye DO IT.

“Memory Lane was closed.”/ “Detour to Platonic Avenue”: good, good, keep it up. I love how they end up talking about it anyways? And it’s lowkey a daroline convo, but without a doubt, Damon would flirt it up, and it’d probably end in more sex, but these two goofballs I swear: “Told you I was the class skank”  and “it takes years of training” but also “No room left behind” “Nothing is good enough to make me forget about how much I hate heights” / “I am” OH SHIT IT’S GETTIN’ HOT IN HERE. But also????? Excellent example of what I was saying (re: daroline convo); Caroline lapsed into her natural, flirty confidence, not even realizing GIRL HOW AREN’T YOU REALIZING how something so saucy, that would naturally turn on Stefan, can’t be said so casually. HAHAHA honestly as I was writing that I was like ‘careful what you wish for steffy bear’ because like you said, that is natural Caroline. She’s confident, flirty, vibrant, etc, and if Stefan was already falling for the prickly, self-preserving version, how did he expect to survive this one, you know? I don’t approve of these characters’ dumb ass decisions I just write them.

“You’re Lawyer Dangerous-ing me, aren’t you?” and ��Wow, I ruined you.” Love it. I feel like Kol pulled this shit on Caroline, and she lowkey trusts her brother, so she fell for things like this all the time. LOOOL Kol’s such a menace.

“You didn’t think you were Buttercup, did you?” / “That’s embarrassing”: I love sma Stefan so much. I liked tvd at one time, but that’s for another day lololol we’ve discussed this.

“Ugh, montage love” I’m sorry Gabi, are you in sma too? ya know every now and then I have to insert my frustration with how dumb everyone is.

“Was it real if the sun started to fade after a few years? Was it real if the gravity weakened and he had to struggle to stay in her atmosphere? Was it real if another planet got pulled in, too, one he could never see because it was always on the exact opposite side of her, moving in tandem with him, eclipsed by her glow?” Shit, girl. Like, go home already. Gah, thanks love. Another case of ‘pause. Think. You can do better.’ I’m telling you, you just have to roll with it!

“I don’t regret a second of that” oh Stefan, you lovesick fool

“I’m like a human Bermuda Triangle” love

“Just give him the Disney Prince look” and the process of him going through it, and him being like, “This is just my face” I’m dead.

“Danger Zone” lmfaoooooo, followed by “Whatever, Piss Pants”. Sounds like a classic Caroline x Kol moment Honestly, it was so nice to write them just having an easy convo, lololol. And TOTALLY a Care x Kol type exchange. Oh, Kol. I can’t wait to write him over the Christmas chapter(s). 

“Bonnie knew the ball was in her court to be the bigger person” to “…they all made her feel caught between telling him that everything was going to be okay and asking him if he wanted a gold fucking star.”/ “Unfortunately, the latter seemed to be winning out.” Okay, so I have to admit this: this “petty, four-year-old” Bamon is a little shamefully like me and my boyfriend. We’re like the diluted version of bamon in this fic. I’m the nerd/caring one, my bf is the cynical/well-read one, and we’re both petty af, and our form of affection is kinda like bamon’s back-and-forth. I mean, we’re not as fucked up at all, but idk, I see parts of our relationship in bamon, which is why they are otp does that mean I think ryan and I otp? maybe but I don’t like being gross. Anyways… FIANCÉ RYAN. CASS IS GETTING MARRIED Y’ALL. I OTP YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US SO IT’S FINE.

“Must be depressing” / “Don’t worry about it” / “Just means it doesn’t matter” / “Because isn’t that the human way?” Ooooo this shit boils my blood this is the kind of crap ryan pulls sometimes omg but moreover, this baiting thing is so aggravating. Say what you want to say and be done with it! WEDDING BELLS AND RIIIINNNIIINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LMAO literally any mention of you and Ryan’s going to bring that response out of me bye

“I mean, didn’t you tell me last night that your biggest fear is that something’s wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out?” and Bonnie’s internal monologue “her head was caught in a hum as she tried to shake off the burn of hearing her biggest insecurity thrown in her face, casual, smug”. I got to admit, Gab, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I was literally hanging on every sentence like oh. My. GOD. DAMON WENT THERE.

Side Note: this whole scene had me all sorts of fucked up, and like damn girl, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I felt for Bonnie. Not in a personal way, but like having someone just throw your deepest fear in your face? Someone who you were just warming up to? Like shit.

GIRL thanks so much, that scene definitely took some tweaking. I always stress about those moments because it takes me so long to get a sense for exactly what kind of mood I built (cause I’m almost like… already in the mood when I start writing it so I don’t actually know if I built it or not? Like if someone who wasn’t me would feel it through the writing alone? Does that make sense? I always try to explain this and fail). But anyway, gah, so glad this pulled you in. Like it’s one thing to try and be funny and fail at it (my life) but for some reason it’s way more nerve-wracking to me to try and be dramatic/intense and fail at it. 

 Kai’s crème-bru-yay is like opening Pinterest and seeing the first promoted post lol.

Damon’s “would it kill you to stay for one dessert” and her “it might kill you”, which I translated to “I might kill you, you fucker” Exactly what it meant.

The Bon/Kid talk. Nice. I love how it parallels to the Care/Stef talk earlier (dunno if you did this on purpose?) Nope, but I’m going to pretend I’m put-together enough of an author to do things like that and say of course.

“I don’t even know what your vulnerabilities are, Damon!” Have you read Lee’s “Parachute” bamon fic. Damon asks, “Do I ever say anything I don’t mean?” and Bonnie says something like Uh yeah, you say whatever will bother people the most. That. That is so true, and I didn’t realize it until I read it in her fic. Noooo, I haven’t, but now I really need to!

He was a friggin’ serial killer and they’d played right into his game Jesus fucking Christ they were all going to di—I love how off the rails Bonnie’s thoughts are. Like she’s stilly lowkey pissy at Damon, but at the same time, she’s like we’re gonna die. LOL that’s why Bonnie’s the easiest for me to write, because I too am often balancing serious emotions with cracky off-the-rails thoughts. 

“I’m sorry but what the everloving fuck, dude?” So, first, amazing line lmfao; second, amazing scene, my friend. Damon, somehow, talking Kai down? Like who would have thought? “Not a good look, man.” I’m dead.

Jk that line is getting it’s own number. Just reading it makes me think that Damon must’ve said something like this to Tyler. Must have. Like, maybe Tyler’s talking about how he got into a fight at school, or maybe about how he screwed things up with a girl—idk idc, big brother!Damon is a good look. Toootally! I was 100% channeling big bro!Damon there, and I definitely hoped people would connect it back to Tyler. Tyler’s just someone that Damon wants better for, you know? Like him and Katherine take him along on their wild rides but like I said earlier, Damon definitely doesn’t want him to live the same kind of life or make the same kind of mistakes/sacrifices he’s made. So I can totally see him steering him off that path if he senses him heading down it. And just in general, so happy you liked that scene. It was one of the scenes I was most pumped for ‘cause I live for feels, and I thought it showed really cute sides of both Damon and Kai.

Kai’s fun fact about Dante, and Damon’s plain, “Bummer” lol.

Kai’s “Did you mean what you said earlier…thinking I was cool…?” I seriously don’t know how you made a serial killer adorable but how dare you :D

“Boyish, almost, like he was some angsty teen she’d walked in on listening to Britney Spears”, oops you did it again I’m hilarious my friend, you played with my heart for fantastic similes. Like, this one just epitomizes what you wanted it to, this sheepish, caught-in-the-moment-of-a-good-deed kinda thing. Like, Gabi, stop Yeeeesssss that was exactly what I wanted to get across but I wasn’t sure I got it across so YAY. Goes to show you. You never think that of your own stuff. Idk why this review response is turning into a giant PSA on cutting yourself some slack with your own writing but CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK WITH YOUR OWN WRITING PEOPLE.

‘you are so much more than you think you are, you piece of shit’—see, that’s my kind of “terms of endearment”. LOL mine too.

Caroline vs. Cat, illustrated by “Are you trying to die?” is very much like me vs. a cat except I’m super allergic, so I’m doing the dying LOOOOOL love ya, Cas.

“Stefan!” She blustered out of her room with a scowl, padding down the hallway in Bonnie’s too-small Gryffindor slippers. First off, Caroline calling Stefan. Secondly, Caroline calling Stefan to be a meditator between her and the cat. Thirdly, why does Bonnie had Gryffindor slippers if she is clearly (eh) Hufflepuff (she could easily be Ravenclaw tbh). LMAO so I made them Hufflepuff at first and then I remembered Bonnie had a Gryffindor shirt and I thought it’d be funny for her to just randomly have paraphernalia from every house because she can’t decide who she is and goes through phases where she’s super convinced she’s one house and then it changes a few months later.

“Tide of amusement”/ “Wash of endearment”: teach me your wayssss I read that as ‘teach me your waaaavvveeesss’ we’re both hilarious

“Saint Stefan”: I really like (and appreciate) that Caroline is the one calling him this. That it’s not some jealous brother, but some girl who blatantly misunderstood him and is coming to the conclusion that maybe this savior complex isn’t as bad/ingrained as she thought. Honestly even just reading ‘jealous brother’ gave me such TVD PTSD. Gross. I’m with ya, girl. 

Stefan’s advice, “Dazzle him with that Rebekah charm” literally is the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen lmao

“Demon.” / “Demons everywhere.” Lolololololol

“Do your thing. Give me the sisterhood spiel or whatever Hallmark collection it was you were planning on plagiarizing.” Well shit. I’d probably pay to hear Damon and Rebekah’s verbal sparring. LMAO Damon vs. Rebekah would be amazing. I feel like they’d be fast friends, which makes me laugh because Kol would totally idolize Damon and yet him and Rebekah would loathe each other.

“But more importantly… Tiffany will be social media stalking you every inch of the way, seething with jealousy, so take a lot of pictures.” I love how she gives the realest advice, and then brings it to Rebekah’s level lol. I feel like big sister!Caroline is something we were deprived of and didn’t know it. Hahaha you know Rebekah would totally ignore that shit if it didn’t circle back to making her nemesis miserable. But sister!Caroline is definitely something I want to do more of, so I’m so happy you liked that side. Christmas time will give her and Kol some quality time (and Mama Liz!)

“I’m going to need some tea,” she says lmao.

 Oh this is the thing I was talking about when I referred to Lee’s fic: “he’d know before he’d even opened his mouth that he was going to hate what came out” and “why the hell had he even gone there? He could’ve just told her he needed space”. Very similar. You guys had the same revelation. That’s rad - I definitely have to go read her fic. Lee’s writing is always brilliant.

“Unfortunately, the hole he’d just managed to dig himself into had an echo, and the only sound in it was the disbelieving crack in Bonnie’s voice when she’d confronted him about bring up her parents.” Right in the heart.

“But maybe she thought he was a megadouche” he cares what she thinks! “Maybe she was waiting for him to prove that he wasn’t.”

“You missed a spot” / “A harsh spray of water cut him off from the pull-out faucet she’d shot straight at him”—if this petty shit isn’t me & ryan CAS AND RYAN ARE GETTING MARRIEDDDDDDDDDD

“And mean.” I love that tack on, it’s so childish, but epitomizes how she can’t even stay mad at him. “Very, very mean.” Their childish bits are my favorite parts to write. It’s in full-swing in 17.

 “I just had a really shitty week last week.” Oooo glimpse into the past. Like Bonnie’s with the Enzo/Klaus mention. More of that ahead!

“And don’t stop calling me kid.” / “It’s cute and I like it.” Can they just kiss and be together already omg You would think but everyone in this story is stupid.

“And he was struck by the most bizarre impulse to kiss her” see, even Damon knows!!!!

The “pep rally” / “I was actually a cheerleader for a bit in college” convo. Classic Bamon

 “Try not to do anything secretly heroic while I’m gone.”

“Maybe he was allergic to pep” / “maybe he was high on it” Damon and Bonnie sitting in a tree… D-E-N-Y-I-N-G

THE ALMOST STEROLINE NAME DROP I WAS ACTUALLY GRINNING LIKE A MORON WHEN I READ THIS MUAHAHA it was so stupid and I cackled writing it.

“I think I need to talk about Matt”/ “And I think you should probably tell me about Elena”. What? Caroline Forbes is talking about exes? Is doing something healthy that’ll further her relationship with Stefan? THERE IS SO MUCH PRIDE IN MY HEART – Also, I think this was a great way to end the chapter ‘cause it’s super cliffhanger and also super like a tvd episode, you know? Great, excellent, fantastic job! RIGHT? LOOK AT HER GO! She’s ready to confront some things! And because I took six months to reply to this and have the benefit of actually having the scene written now, I can tell you that she’s really going there. Saying things she’s never said out loud. It’s a hard scene for her. But she’s determined. So it makes me so happy that you’re proud of her (I’m proud of her!), and hopefully the next chapter will make it a little clearer why she is the way she is (and why it took her this long to get there). Also, YAY for show-like endings! You know that’s what I’m going for ;) TBH that’s a large reason why the chapters have gotten so long - I want like a whole episode in a chapter with a beginning, middle, and end, and I want them to set up a story for the next one, and for four central characters that usually ends up taking me about 8-10 scenes, loool. So I’m glad you like it that way, too ;)

Okay, so this is longer than I hoped, but I’m sure you won’t mind. Take your mind off med school, off the whole moving thing. Anyways, thanks a bazillion for being this awesome author that interacts with her audience, who puts at least 1000% percent into this fic when, really, you don’t gotta, and ya know… thanks for fulfilling the need everyone has seen tvd died (there were only 6 seasons right?)

Definitely only six seasons. And girl, psh, thank you for making all of the things you listed above worth it. Seriously. You guys make writing this story a legitimate joy - I literally have you in mind when I write. I anticipate who’s going to like what. Whose going to have a problem with what. And it makes me a better writer. Seriously. Anyway, you’re as lovely and witty and talented and kind and weird and wonderful as ever and I expect detailed updates on you and Ryan’s royal wedding every week and NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR WRITING A LONG REVIEW WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU’RE MY SUN AND I’VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I’LL SAY IT AGAIN IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO RESPOND BECAUSE I LEGIT CAN’T THINK OF A REPLY THAT’S WORTHY SOOOOO THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE K BYEEEEE

[just-shaladin-things]

(1/4) confession: i hate l@nce. hate him. so much. he's such an asshole! like i get the writers are going for 'wannabe casanova' but what they've got is a boy that only is insta 'nice' to hot women (in the mermaid episode he was like :/ to the squid head girl until she took it off and was totes hot at which point he immediately did a 180 to ;D), hits on literally everything resembling female, and doesn't take no for an answer. like, a//ura made it pretty clear she's not interested in L@nce.

(2/4) But he keeps flirting with her at very bad moments, despite her being annoyed with it, and tries to police her actions at one point??? (when her at Ke!th run off together he flips shit on her and tries to do an interrogation if anything happened like thats any of his fucking business). Literally the only girls he’s not weird about is P1dge and his mother. It’s fucked him over so many times! N!ma and the mermaids both should have been massive red flags, but he never changes!(¾) Not once does he connect the dots and think hmm maybe there’s a connection -NEVERMIND HOT GIRL. He’s completely oblivious from moral and logical standpoints. I hate it and I hate him. No amount of homesickness and insecurity is gonna make him likeable until he pulls his head out of his ass. Or at least gets called out by someone instead of being told ‘not now’ mid emergency. He doesn’t give a shit about them! That one mermaid girl he was hitting on, she died! Mid episode!(4/4) And L@nce didn’t even ask hey, where did she vanish too is she okay? He didn’t give a single fuck about the missing girl he’d been hitting on literally a day ago, he was too busy with the NEW pretty mermaid girl and the hot mermaid queen! I hate him, I hate how the writers handle him, and he needs to get called the fuck out by someone soon. Preferably A//ura. Or P!dge. Or Sh!ro. Thank you for hearing of my rage.

ok i was about to go to sleep but since its the l@nce ask i decided to wait a bit, because uhhh, welp he’s important to me and he’s probably the only reason why i still watch this show lfdkjgkf im going to try and be as, well, as objective and logical as i can so please bear with me also im sorry i cant really salt with you here. like, i partially salt with you but not entirely since, you know, l@nce stan thing and all that. okay anyway, here we go and it probs gonna be long so im really, really sorry or something. also also before i Really start i want to thank hd, jo and ciel bcos brainstorming with them was a top notch way to figure out what i want to say fldkgj

im gonna start with the flirting thing first in general, then move to @llura, then to other instances you brought up then to lance himself, just so we have some outline here okay? okay. so here i go:

the flirting thingy - i get why it bugs you and it bugs me too, especially with @llura. writers definitely overuse it and use it as a comedic device (not working but shhh). on the other side, aside from @llura (which im going to talk about more in a sec, pls be patient with me, pls) girls usually don’t react negatively to it? pl@xum literally kissed him on the cheek, aliens at the mall and on that first planet in s3 laughed and generally it seemed to be rather innocent if annoying because of how often it was portrayed. the flirting alone isn’t really bad, considering his insecurities and strive for attention its not surprising that he does it and its never a serious thing. and most of the team reacts with just groaning and rolling their eyes, no one ever told him, 100% seriously and definitely, to stop. the thing is, writers portray his flirting in a really shitty way (like most things, jesus christ) 90% of the time??? which brings us to the next point here:

@llura or rather how her and l@nces relationship was portrayed so far. now theres no denying it that the part where he keeps on flirting with her and she keeps turning him down and so on is, well, pure shit and we all want (or rather wanted it considering how he dropped the act in s3) it to stop. while it doesnt make it okay, its still important to note that he never really seems to be 100% serious with his pick up lines and it looks like he uses it as a way to lighten up the mood (cue him using them in, well, not really appropriate moments). and while we’re at it, lance hardly ever opposed to any of her orders (aside from the time when he and hunk argued with the rest of the team about coming back home but, like, can you really blame them for that?). also the thing that you brought up, him flipping his shit out when she left with keith was completely justified??? she and k/eith literally left without any notice??? when they were constantly followed by galra and there was a war going on???? of course he was worried out of his mind, who wouldnt! and when she was captured by the gala he was one of the people who wanted to go and save her. like, you cant really say he doesnt give a shit about her. its further proved by how he acted in s3? he completely dropped his flirting with her, never acted angry when she was chosen to be the blue paladin, he even said he was happy that it was her specifically! when sh!ro came back he never asked @llura to step down either, he thought she was better suited to do it than him he constantly checked if she was feeling alright in blue and we could see how much their relationship improved in this season. i would go as far as to say that they actually became a p good friends.

now, onto the other instances you mentioned:

pl@xum - here its kinda tricky tbh, on one side, yeah, its not really okay that he started to be all over the moon for her after she took of the squid, on the other hand he knew her for, like, a day at best?? its not really enough time to fall in love with personality itself (especially considering how much happened during that time?) and you cant really tell that being attracted by someones good looks is something bad? it was portrayed in shitty way but then again, its more of writers fault. and while we’re at it, even if he wasnt interested in her romantically, he never disrespected her??? he took her seriously after she and her group explained what they did and why they did it and helped her free her planet.

fl/rona - okay i seriously dont know why you brought up this? he had maybe one convo with her and during it or right after he was literally drugged with poisoned alien food, then he got kidnapped, stung by a squid and had to fight and save the entire kingdom. he probably thought she was in the palace or somewhere in their village? with so much happening of course it could slip his mind. 

ny/a - well, im not really sure how to approach this one but im gonna try. yes, l/nce going after her was reckless and not his best moment but also?? literally everyone on the team except for h/nk seemed to trust them? and n/ma not only reciprocated/pretended to reciprocate but also played at his insecurities (aka pulling the “if you wont then im sure k/th aka the boy that you consider ur rival aka the boy that is one of the sources of ur insecurities will take me to his lion). and lance maybe has a strategical mind and works good on missions and in the heat of a moment but? he’s also an insecure teenager and teens tend to do reckless things when they want to impress someone. plus, lance generally seems to be rather trusting? hes not as guarded as, lets say, k/eith, hes thrives on social interaction and likes meeting new people. you can see it in the way he wanted to hang out with p/idge in the garrison even though she probs always turned him and h/nk down or how he was able to confide in coran despite knowing him for week at best or in how quick he was to play around and take selfies with complete strangers from the planet he just helped save in s3 and how well he worked with blade of m/rmora in same ep. hes quick to trust and become friends, which makes him an easy target for people like n/ma but overall isnt really a bad trait. 

all in all, lance is a very, very complex character and cant really be judged only basing on his flirting. hes much more than that. and while i understand where you’re coming from i cant really agree with you fully. the way his flirting is portrayed is shitty but hes not a bad person at all. 

sorry its so long btw, im just,,, kinda passionate dl

[waiting-to-see]

I see! I come from a different direction, since I became a fan due to HS1 (long after its release though). Really loved the music, so we don't have that in common. ;) But I started liking his 1D time a lot too esp 2014/15. I think he wasn't that different during his early HS1 promo tbh, I had a lot of fun with those & Dunkirk interviews & his fashion was still better back then imho. But I feel there was a change afterwards. His fashion became increasingly weirder & to me he felt so (1/3)

different in the RS interview. The whole glorifying psychedelics to write music thing turned me off, but also like at some point his cute quirkiness became downright eccentricity. My problem is also that I don’t like FL’s sound & aesthetic so far & really miss the HS1 era. I guess it’s not that surprising since HS1 was quite different music, but I feel pretty alone in this. :( Sometimes I wonder if for Harry the actual music has taken a backseat to his fashion/messages/TPWK & all that stuff. 2/3         

So my disillusionment is still very fresh & I wish I could be more cool about it or maybe even angry, but I just feel very sad, like I lost smth very precious to me. :( HS1’s music is my favourite, but I’d also gladly take 1D Harry over this era tbh. I miss the old Harry so much & I also feel there’s nobody to talk to, bc everyone always loves everything he does & wears & says. (3/3)   

My answer:

I’m actually interested in the message from Fine Line, because I want to find out more about his relationship and him going through love, longing, loneliness, heartbreak, and coming out of it on the other side. It’ll be a nice change to hear about a long-term relationship because he’s never really sung about that before. And I have no problem with his ex, like 80% of this fanbase does. She makes mistakes and is learning, changing, and growing in this life, just like we all do. I never got into that immediate hating of the women that the 1D guys date, and never will. I see the boys dating, and I’m happy that they have someone.

On the other hand, since Harry’s strong point is not writing, and I don’t like the work his writing team does with him, I’m not sure how it will all turn out? I guess we’ll see though. I definitely feel like Harry puts 75% into the fashion and aesthetics, and about 25% into the music. Every single song he sings is so repetitive with the lyrics, and I’m so freaking tired of it!

I just don’t like his fashion. Some of the things he wears are a mess, like the huge pants, untailored suits, those caps he loves to wear (like the denim cap he’s worn this week–his fashion is just weird. I like quirky fashion and don’t mind that he’s not wearing skinny jeans and Chelsea boots anymore. But I still don’t like the direction Harry is going. I think I wouldn’t mind so much if he had amazing music, but since he doesn’t, IMO, his bad fashion bothers me that much worse. 

I know what you mean about feeling like you’ve lost something precious. Harry was EVERYTHING to me for so long. And I don’t like him as much anymore, and that feels sad. And although i like other artists, I haven’t found one that I like much as i liked him, or one that I’m invested in as much as i was with him. I miss the old Harry that wasn’t so guarded, that would do promo, that would post selfies, that didn’t hide so much, that didn’t enjoy toying with the fans about info on his career, etc. And there are very, very, very, very lol few Harry fans to talk about this stuff with, because if one doesn’t love every single thing about him, they’re called a hater, or a troll, or a fan of the other boys trying to bring Harry down, etc.

I was “angry” when I fell out with him during HS1. But now I’m just a bit sad, but coming more around to accepting at this point? He’s gonna do what’s best for him, and I’m gonna have to accept it, and stay or move on. I’m still not done talking about him and processing all this yet though, because like I said, I was so invested in him for at least 7 or 8 years. So this blog is where I’m getting everything out.

[dragonterriers]

24 hrs post-op

im a bit more sore than yesterday. there's no stinging pain near the incisions anymore but it's just kind of a dull soreness all around, especially near the drain holes and on the right side (it feels like there's some bruising/swelling there). I've taken my pain meds which has helped a little but there's still some pain, which is fine, it's honestly more just uncomfortable than outright painful. my throat also starting hurting from the tube they stick down your throat to keep you breathing, but weirdly it felt completely fine until about 8pm or so last night. it's still a little sore but nothing awful. we have ice cream to fix it.

im barely draining any fluid at all, when we emptied my drains this morning around 8am (so they had about 9 hrs to fill up) there was only 5-7cc of fluid in each drain. i don't seem to be draining any actual blood either, it's just a combination of clear plasma and that weird translucent light red stuff.

the place where they tried to stick an IV and failed yesterday still hurts. they had trouble finding a suitable vein and at first tried one on my right wrist below my thumb and it didn't work. that's still a little sore. the site that it actually took to on the back of my left hand feels fine.

surprisingly, i was able to sleep about 10 hours last night, although i think that was mostly because i took some benadryl to help with the itchy medical tape. i've been up since about 7am (a shocker for anyone that knows me well) and doing relatively fine. other than minor pain in both the surgical site and my throat i'm feeling pretty good! i'm able to walk around and do most things by myself when i want to. we /may/ try to go to target or publix or something today because im starting to get a little cabin fever. we'll see how i feel through the day and if KJ is feeling up for it if/when they wake up. they've been a wonderful caregiver and doing things without complaint and im blessed to have them with me.

the worst thing about recovery right now is when im sitting up, start sliding and have to re-adjust. i can't use my arms to sit myself back up so i have to use nothing but core body strength (which is practically nonexistent) and a prayer to slide back up against the wall. it's exhausting doing just that tbh. but other than that things are gr8

overall, im doing a whole lot better than i thought i would. im traditionally a slow-ish healer so i thought recovery was going to be miserable but it's really not bad (for me, anyway), especially considering my ten-thousand-six-hundred-and-forty-four pre-existing conditions that had the potential to really fuck me up. I'm super grateful for everyone that has helped me get to this point by helping with my fundraising efforts, and for all the support i've gotten since coming down to FL. y'all are great people.

[iwantasecretgarden]

Taggetytagtag

DoBrought up by the freaking awesome and strong @nachodiablo

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Diet Coke in a glass of ice or a can or a bottle or a fountain or anywhere, always. “Is Pepsi okay?” is probably the worst sentence in all of human history.

2. Disney or Dreamworks: Disney Renaissance (90s kid)

3. Coffee or tea: Coffee. I want to like tea, but it’s leaf water. And drinking it tastes like hot leaves. I try and I try and yet still...clogged pool filter in a cup.

4. Books or movies: Books. Books, I’ve never seen so many books in all my life. Best weapons in the world. But seriously in 2016 I read 42 books - didn’t quite get to my 52 I had hoped for as my upper goal, but far surpassed the 25 I had planned.

5. Windows or mac: Mac since birth. Born with my dad getting me a tiny apple jumper as he used the old timey rainbows apple with the startup OS face.

6. DC or Marvel: Marvel characters are deeper and more interesting, especially because I WANT to like Wonder Woman but every single writer just changes her backstory and nothing is consistent and I hate that. X-Men are my favorite because it’s embracing difference in an exclusive, bigoted world.

7. X-box or Playstation: I wasn’t allowed to play video games because my parents thought they would make me violent so now I’m WOEFULLY AWFUL at them. But does Wii Lego games count? Because I really like Wii Lego Harry Potter. I know. I know. But it’s actually adorable. I also play Wii Lego LOTR and Batman and Star Wars (but SW one sucks).

8. Dragon age or Mass effect: Er...what. 

9. Night owl or early riser: I do better working at night because I like to have an hour or so to wake up. So if I leave at 9 I get up at 6:30 so I can drink coffee and blink awake and watch a tv show before doing chores and getting ready.

10. Cards or chess: Cards - more for the memories that accompany them and because I’m hellishly impatient for Chess.

11. Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla not because I’m vanilla but because chocolate can either be overwhelming or when in ice cream doesn’t taste like chocolate? Like why? It tastes like mystery brown flavor and I’m not into that.

12. Vans or converse: Converse for life. Black. With doodles on the white parts. Quotes and drawings. Being a cool kid way past the age I could pull it off (since I never could). I also have a blue pair that I drew the TARDIS on during the DW fanvolution but now don’t wear because they don’t match.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: I feel dumb. I don’t know what these are. 

14. Fluff or angst: Angsty fluff. Like when the angst drenches your soul and in the darkest moment someone says the right thing that no one in real life has ever said to you and it’s like a sweet sweet salve. 

15. Beach or forest: Forest. I hate sand. I’m stupid annakin. And deep in my heart of hearts I’m still the wolf girl I was at 13 where I wore braces and boys jeans and tie dyed wolf t-shirts and braids in my hair with a bunch of friendship bracelets and wanted to be a psychic dragon rider or be raised by sentient wolves. So in the end...it’d be untrue to my nature (and to my secret shame wolf patronus) to not say forest where I used to dream of running away and finding my true pack.

16. Dogs or cats: I have two greyhounds (Fred & George), and a cat - Gandalf. That way I can introduce the bunch as Gandalf (and) the Greyhounds. Yeah. I’m serious. PM me for picture proof or check out insta @greyhoundgeorge

17. Clear skies or rain: Rain when I have nowhere to BE. If I can stay home and eat hot popcorn and drink cold water and snuggle on a couch under the blankets and put on an old movie or quiet film scores and pick up a book I want to read all in one go. That’s a little corner of heaven right there. But clear skies if I am going out to do something - if I’m doing something stressful and knowing I can go outside after to let the sun drench into the skin of my face and smile and take a breath and get a cold diet coke and congratulate myself on being brave and finishing out.

18. Cooking or eating out: Depends. Depends on how lazy I am and how broke I am and how hungry I am. I like cooking when I’m really hungry because then I can personalize everything to my own tastes and having leftovers I know will be yummy later. When I eat out/order take out I’m eating it all. Don’t be foolish.

19. Spicy food or mild food: Spicy food. Make my nose rain. I once drank a bowl of salsa in a Mexican restaurant. Like in Beauty & the Beast. Bowl to my mouth. Drank it down. My sisters hissed at me to stop. It was so good. So I drank theirs too.

20. Halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: Solstice, Yule, ***Christmas*** I am so into Christmas. I’m the dumbass that starts listening to carols too early in November. I’m wearing sweaters and sweating. I’m getting my peppermint hot chocolate. I’m the one viciously stalking that Christmas feeling that seems to get farther and farther away the older you get. Because I want it to last forever. I want to make sure my little sisters never lose it.

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: Too cold. I’m already hot all the time. It’s hell. And I sweat through my clothes and that’s embarrassing and uncomfortable. At least when I’m cold people feel pity for you. When you’re hot all the time everyone looks at you like a freak.

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be: Hallucination/Projection. I’d be called “Storyteller” or “Story” and if I wanted you to think you were on a beach in Aruba, you would really see and feel it. I would be able to travel for free, protect myself through a veneer, and never have to harm anyone. And I could taste all food however I wanted even if it was just celery. I could look how I want to look, dress how I want to dress, make my world the reality I want.

23. Animation or live action: Live action. I think the nuances of character actors and their expressions bring something to a film that evokes a sympathetic response in the brain that cannot (currently) be copied in animation.

24. Paragon or renegade: Again. I’m a silly person who has no idea what this is.

25. Baths or showers: SHOWERS. Hot showers. Baths - like tea - are just stewing in dirt. In your own dirt. In a tub where you get to look at your knees and rest your wet head against the hard tile. Ew.

26. Team cap or team ironman: Captain America forever. Stucky and Steggy forever.

27. Fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy at my heart of hearts. It appeals to my wolfgirl nature. But I’m an equal opportunist and love Sci Fi. Just watch out for those weird 1950s fantasy/sci fi crossovers about colonizing planets cuz those get WEIRD.

28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they:

"Do small things with great love.” - Mother Teresa

“Courage, dearheart.” - C.S. Lewis

“Don’t worry. Don’t worry.  Look up at the ceiling and breathe with those curiously fragile lungs and remind yourself don’t worry. All as it was meant to be. It was meant to be lonely, and terrifying, and unfair, and fleeting. Don’t worry.” - Welcome to Nightvale

29. Youtube or netflix: Netflix or Amazon Video yo

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Yeahhhh see I was too old when PJ came out. My youngest sister was reading it and even she thought it was under her age level. So HARRY POTTER FOREVER FOOLS. I mean, I cannot stress how much our family loves HP. We had a year when my youngest sister turned 11 she had a welcome to Hogwarts party in March, my family surprised me with a Horcrux Hunt 17th birthday Coming of Age in April, and my other sister turned 14 and got a Triwizard Cup party in May. My Mom listens to HP on Audible every night before bed. She can literally quote the first book word for word. We went to HP Wizarding World in FL before it opened on special passes when I was 19. If my mother wouldn’t murder us, our entire family would have matching HP tattoos. I write Marauders book fanfiction for my entire family to read and critique. We have sorted ourselves and own everything in our respective houses (a split R/G family). It’s our dream to go to Leaky Con together. We all have complete uniforms. Not just the robes. All of it. We know all the spells, have played all the dumb computer 2001 games and Wii games and Pottermore before it was lame and basically omg. HP FOR LIFE. (or LOTR). 

31. When you feel accomplished: When someone acknowledges I saw the problem and solution immediately but everyone else tried a bunch of things first and eventually realized I was right. #INTJ

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: I am very into both, and both my sisters have hard core taken a position on each camp. But if I had to choose, I would say Star Trek because of the massive cultural shift it caused, especially in featuring multi-racial characters and women in positions of science and power.

33. Paperback books or hardback books: Paperback if I’m reading it the first time and Idk if i’ll like it but then I want hardback (leatherbound tbh) of everything I’ve ever loved and read for my library I want to own like in B&B. 

34. Horror or rom-com: Ughhhhhhhh both suck. But I only like cerebral horror (like Sixth Sense) or intellectual horror (like Hannibal) because physical horror (torture), gross horror (teeth losing and pus), jump horror (basic) really aren’t interesting to me so I GUESS I’ll say rom-com.

35. TV shows or movies: TV shows streaming so I can binge them. Yep.

36. Favorite animal: Tigers! I’m so into tigers and know so much about them. The ONLY tiger fact I’ll bore you with right now is that lion roars are much shallower due to being lighter weight with less lung capacity so for the Lion King whenever the lions roar, it’s actually tiger roars to sound more macho.

37. Favorite genre of music: Alt rock or indie - coldplay, mumford, snow patrol, frank turner, damien rice, the wonder years, etc. 

38. Least favorite book: I know people are really into it now, but when I read it A Separate Peace sucked balls and everyone agreed. Also I once read this terribly written horror book Neverwhere. Actually I’ve read several such poorly written books that it honestly gives me hope that I can be an author if these dingbats can.

39. Favourite season: Winter before Christmas

40. Song that’s currently stuck in your head:  Help by the Beatles

41. What kind of pyjama’s do you wear: Old t shirt (usually huge) and pj pants or shorts

42. How many existential crisis do you have on an average day: Lol so many. Depends on the day. More like “my life is confusing and I have no idea what’s happening and everything is a chain reaction that hasn’t begun and I’m holding my breath praying for a fallout that’s marginally okay.”

43. If you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be: “Penny Lane,” by the Beatles

44. Favourite theme song to a TV show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer or (honestly) Magic School Bus or Jimmy Neutron

45. Harry Potter movies or books: Books, where the inaccuracies aren’t too many to count

46. Favorite traditional food from your family: Tamales

47. Favorite decade from 1900-now: 1990s. But only 90s kids remember the 90s.

48. Worst habit? Thinking I can do it all.

49. Teach an old person to use the internet or stay for a week with a kid stuck in the “why” phase?: Kids. I love kids. Why phases are great. Sometimes I never outgrew mine, and adults always brush them off without actually taking time to explain why satisfactorily.  50. Who’s your favorite painter?: Claude Monet. 

51. Favourite flower?: Roses (trite) or bluebonnets. 

52. Boots or sneakers?: Sneakers now - boots in fall.

53. Abroad or at home?: Home if I could magically go back in time when “home” was everything I wanted and not a place to visit my mom in my old room with no clothes or friends.

54. Planning or spontaneity? Planning! But occasional spontaneity. 

55. Boxers or briefs? Boxers so that I can wear them as pajama shorts.

56. Hogwarts house? Better be...Gryffindor! 

I’m not tagging 56 people, so if you’d like to do this, tag me so I can read them! If you don’t want to, then just enjoy learning more about me. If it’s more than you wanted to know (and it probably is) feel free to ignore.

[jeongshincharyeo]

019. I'm Triggered.

Today, exactly at night, you shared me about Vkook fanfict which makes Taehyung then top and Jungkook the bottom. I need to admit that top!taehyung is hot but.. it makes me unmood. Truthfully, i have a bad experiences with a Top!Taehyung x Bottom!Jungkook. Lemme tell you some. I wasn't that new being bangtan fan but, 2013 i was.. more into Seokjin x Jimin. Seriously first time being yaoi as Bangtan after they debuted, i was a Seokjin at first then i dated a Jimin. So i kinda more into Seokjin x anyone. Then 2014 i am into Jimin? or Jungkook i guess. Thats why i have that bot acc as Jimin since 2014. And i just into Taehyung x Jungkook at 2015 after i saw some Vkook moments. Thats why i start to rp ing as Taehyung and searches for a Jungkook? I guess. I forgot. So here's my bad experiences, related with a Top!Taehyung x Bottom!Jungkook. 1. It was 2015 and i made new agency with Aimee, and two other friends. And we all be 1995 liners there. Me as Taehyung, Aimee as Kei, another friend as Jimin and another one as Seolhyun. And yeah we kinda promote to many people again? And i promoted it to one of my noona. I asked her to join but girls' spot currently full so i told her to be Jungkook. But not bcs i like VKOOK so i wanna be vkook with her. Its just i want her to join but sadly no girls reservation open. But well, she said she would love to, so okay. She joined as Jungkook. And i am a Taehyung there, ofc i acted like "Yah maknae!" and he be like "Hyeong!" and i was like, damn its vkook and it feels cute. Bcs it was my first time interested to vkook i guess. And then, i start to flirt him and be like yeah, make one agency shipped us and etc. Until i got jailed so i dmed this Jungkook, telling him i got jailed and he just laughed like a normal reaction but we kept on talking. And idk why it leads to kissing parts? Which made me gone wild and started to fuck him. I really was. And he kinda into me, and i really into him.. and i dated someone in my previous agency that time but i havent tell him. And after i told him i will break up with my couple for him, he suddenly dont want and said he dont wanna be a third wheeler. istg. That was my great time being a Vkook and he just lose hope on me and even left the agency after i keep begging that i will serious with him. But yeah. It was hurt enough but i still break up with my couple because my couple currently never active again even after i checked that account a year later so. nvm her. And yeah that was my first and worst experience being a Vkook. 2. This one with someone i know from intl closed agency too. I joined as a Taehyung there.and ofc theres a Jungkook. It was a simple hi and having fun at first, until people start shipping us because we usually ise matching dps and headers, teasing each others. Though i didnt intend to flirt him because i was just wanna have fun? But then when i jailed, as always, i dmed everyone included that Jungkook. And yeah we talked again. But we are not that intense yet, we just talk like usual i guess? Until we moved to fl acc. And in fl acc he was a suga there? So we Taegi. But still no special feelings. But though its not, i usually give him a peck on lips like before sleep or supporting him. Things like that. But this person kept on avoiding my flirt idk why so its kinda hard to hit on him. Until he, himself, confessed to me. But when he confessed, at that time i alr interest with someone else and also date a Yoongi on kakaotalk. Look how player i was. Then yeah he kinda lose hope and disappear and i never talk to him again until now. 3. That jerk. Yeah that ex who dmed you that day. We were VKook as well. Eventhough he was the someone that i have interest with when i was with the 2nd person, we were not Vkook that time. So i meet this asshole at 2015, may, on his closed agency. Yea its his. And my boyfriend (a seokjin) who dragged me there. And i was a Taehyung. Then in that agency, my bf seokjin is a jungkook so i joined as Sehun for 2days i guess? Then i kinda tell my bf, i want to be Jungkook and asked him to be Seokjin so KookJin. And he agreed. So yeah we be KookJin and ofc i meet the Bangtan Hyungs in their Bangtan Group chat. And this Taehyung aka that asshole dated an Eunji noona there like for months alrd. But i admit hes friendly to meet a stranger/new person. He dmed me personally and asked me things like where i come from, my selca, real age, etc. And we kinda be close friends there. But then after that, i was also active in another agency and this other agency is more fun so i drag my seokjin along but he be a girl, CLC's seunghee there. And we be more active there so i kinda abandoned that asshole's agency which i being KookJin there, until we unverified. Then after that 1st person, scandal i really want to break up with seokjin but he never shows up so i just left message then abandoned the acc. i guess. but i guess i revamp that acc as new rp acc- ok nvm. Then, after that, weeks later i dated a Yoongi (which was my dad in another ca, wow joined so many ca before) on kakaotalk and i be a Jimin there. and a bottom. istg i think i was a bottom too like 40% before. And though this Yoongi only active on kkt (katanya sih) so i joined many closed agency right. And thats why i joined one with my noona, and i be seulgi at first. I also drag my Yoongi along but he be predebut IKON's Chanwoo there, and he kinda inactive. Then after that i cc as BTS' Jimin and i think i suit as a boy more. UNTIL a new Taehyung joined and i can sensed him somehow. He shared a fact about himself and i know his kind of typing so we chat on dm. And im right, it was that asshole. And since i dont really have strong feelings with him i was just like happy to meet my old friend so we kinda chat and exchange kakaotalk and line. After that, idk why this taehyung he always sad about his ex eunji in that first ca i met him months ago. So he told me alot and i be his temen curhat right. And you know la i can be playful sometimes but he know i have a bf and i know he have a gf so we kinda tau dirilah. But then idk why we shared things about VRene, on LINE. and we keep fanboying about how cute vrene is, blablabla. and suddenly he changed as an irene? to tease me idk- so i changed from Jungkook pic to Taehyung. And since i really into vrene, i kinda turned on so i want to touch him as irene. So, i kissed him, as Taehyung to Irene. And surprisingly he didnt stop me so we keep going until... i fucked him. I mean her. That was our first sex and we were vrene that time with me as the top. After that sexting time, he confessed that he actually have feelings for me since first time we met but he knows that we both have someone like everytime we met so he just wanna confess it. But ugh, he make me interested to him so i said i also like him and asked him to wait if he want us to be official, we should break up with our couple first. Well thats how we start into the serious part but we kinda start to be official a month later, as Vkook. And guess what? Yeah, he is the Top!Taehyung. He fucked me as the Taehyung who called me baby boy while pounding on me. Istg, for that 2015 until 2016, for a year, he really make me crazy of him. Make me cant even let him go. Though it became me 60% Top after that, but our first yaoi sex is Vkook and he as top!taehyung. 4. This last one happened october 2016. Yeah after i break up from that asshole, i know this Taehyung from fl ofc. He is a girl on fl, but she said she want to make a Bangtan group chat on kakotalk so i want to make one also, i chatted her then. She said she is a Taehyung on kkt, and since im a Jungkook fc, we only need to look for the rest of members. After we being friends on kkt, idk why its like only 2days after we talk, i just suddenly turns clingy to him and i want to cuddle. I seriously was only close with him that time so i asked him to hug me, etc. Tbh i was going to be a dom? But then he be more dom than me. He pampered me and i hate to admit that he have a skill. Though he is a girl on fl, on kkt he can be a very gentle dom for me. I think thats the first time i have interest to someone without having sex first. bcause i usually have interest after i see how they sexting. heh. bad me i know. BUT, however i keep on hurting this Taehyung.... because my asshole ex keep coming and want to be with me. So i kinda confused since this Taehyung been nice to me so idk what reason to tell to let him go from me, so i lied that i have no interest to him again because he changed his ava as a Mark on kkt. I said i think i love him as Taehyung more though its not true. I like him a lot but i love my ex more that time. So yeah... he hate me. Until now. He called me facechaser then we really.. never talk again because he unfollowed me then blocked me. Like really block, i cant see his profile anymore- smh. I just dont want to date him while i still have feelings to my ex. He will be more disappointed later so i do this for his sake too. So you see... Almost all of my Vkook experiences with Taehyung as a dom, have a bad stories behind it. Which makes me turned into a Dom!Jungkook because i dont wanna see myself being weak towards a Taehyung again. Its like a trauma and makes me...idk. I just dont like it. Though i admit even at first time trying to be Vkook, i like Dom!Taehyung better. But pain changed people. Everytime i tried to accept someone as my dom, esp Taehyung fc, it got me scared again and i dont want to continue anymore. im just-its wrong i know. I am sorry if i turned weird tonight. I still cant get over it but i'd like to- and i want you the one who help me to get over it? Ah its too long, you prolly bored with this page already- heh. Lets sleep aight? Goodnight♡