#actually trying to get into the headspace for a fanfic i'm writing

[nexus-nebulae]

Ok so a long while back I had a story with a trio of main characters who each represented a core aspect of the world they were trying to protect: the natural, the technological, and the magical (a human, a sentient AI, and a shapeshifter witch)

and then a few years later I made a sequel to it with a new trio and somehow by complete accident made them represent the same things as the first trio except this time combined with elements of another aspect (a human who finds out he's more magical than he expected (he's a demigod), a shapeshifter being who relies on tech for communication and accessibility (he can only turn into a few things and none of them are very expressive or mobile), and a sentient android that looks so human almost nobody can tell he's not (even his best friends))

and the whole point of the first story was those initial three protecting their world from people who wanted to separate or eliminate one of the three elements (trying to get rid of magic and technology altogether), and the reason why i wrote the second story was to write something a few decades into the future showing the impact those first characters had in bringing those elements together. and i accidentally put the perfect themes into the new main trio

[sugawhaaa]

I had to hop in here straight away when I saw that your requests were open bcs istg I am SUCH a horny mess for Kwak Jiseok.

Aight so hear me out, something that personally really turns me on is taking photos of myself in revealing clothing or lingerie, not necessarily for sexting… just like the actual taking of the pictures is really hot for me yk?

So what I’m requesting here is something that has been taking up so much of my headspace that it’s honestly obsessive… and that’s a sexual photoshoot with Jiseok.

He’s the photographer, and he has a bunch of outfits that he wants the reader to wear… and even more poses in mind. Plus, if reader is a well behaved model and gets him the pictures he wants, he might reward her.

hope that makes sense!!

•°~★JISEOK X READER★~°•

High fashion

୭🧷✧˚.ᵎᵎ🎀୭🧷✧˚.୭🧷✧˚.ᵎᵎ🎀୭🧷✧˚.ᵎᵎ🎀୭✧˚.ᵎᵎ

Warnings::SMUT! VULGAR LANGUAGE!

Genre:: oral (f/m rec) fingering, cowgirl, hair pulling, PRAISE, pet names cream pie (don't try this at home) cum-shot, idk if this is relevant but it's mentioned a lot that he has a big cock 💀

Pairing:: dom!Jiseok x sub!fem!reader

A//N:: honestly I've never gotten a request like this before I was quite shocked 😭 I'm not complaining though, I'm happy to step out of my comfort zone and expirement a little bit. I was kinda torn on how I wanted to write this but I'll try my best 💪 also dw as a Gaon biased I can confirm that pretty much anyone who biases him is a down bad whore for him 💀

Songs that inspired this fanfic::

There is a business for everything. You were very well aware of that as a model for specifically...suggestive things. You modeled for all sorts of things. Bathing suits, bras, underwear, lingerie, and even certain sex toys. You had your fair share of acting as well. You were in a very select few porn videos, mainly because the pay was really, really, high. You definitely didn't hate your job. It made you feel good about yourself and comfortable in your own skin. You were heavily praised by fans for being "so brave" but in reality it made you feel good and you wouldn't have it any other way.

One day you were hanging out in your house, like one does, when you received an email from a designer. It was very professional and full of detail but to sum it up, this designer asked you to model their newest lingerie sets for them. You thought about it for a moment and looked at their website. It was full of beautifully designed lingerie and robs. The website itself was very professional with lots of details. It seemed trustworthy and you agreed to work with them.

A few days later you located the shop and went inside. You took a look around at the shop. It was small but filled with lots of items, but it wasn't crowded either. There was plenty of room to move around and look through everything. You noticed a woman at the front desk when she suddenly came up to you.

"Sorry we just closed we'll be open again tomorrow at 10 am if you'd like to come back," she smiled. She clearly didn't know that you were here to model so she mustn't be the designer. You took off your sunglasses and looked at her warmly.

"I'm actually a model. This is my first time modeling for this shop," you explained and the woman smiled.

"Oh, my apologies! Let me call him in," she smiled and went back to the desk. Call him over? Him?? You thought to yourself as you walked over to her desk. She pressed a button and spoke into a small mic. "There's a model waiting to see you," she said and the doors behind her opened moments after. A young man came rushing out. He had dark red hair and seemed like he was in his early to mid-twenties. He had a measuring tape around his neck and a pencil tucked above his ear.

"Ah, you must be Y/N~!" He smiled and came over to you, extending his hand. You shook his hand as your heart jumped out of your chest. "So I have a lot to go over with you. If you don't mind why don't we go into my workshop?" He gestured to the doors and you blushed.

"S-Sure, that sounds good," you smiled and followed him to his workshop.

"Sorry for the mess I hardly ever have time to clean around here with so many requests," he chuckles as you look around the room. Shelves filled with all kinds of fabrics and lace. Sketches of designs were tacked to a Bristol board near his main desk area. "I have quite a few different sets if you'd want to choose which ones to wear or anything," he said as he pulled out a large tablet and starting going through photos he took of all the sets.

"Don't worry about it. I'm comfortable wearing whatever you want me to," you smiled and he looked up at you with curious eyes.

"As long as you're sure..." he looked at you one last time before confirming that's truly what you wanted. "Okay then, I'll pick them out for you," he went over to a clothing rack he had and picked out a few for you. He held them up and eyed them to your body portions. "Do you know what size you are?" He said as he continued to sort through his designs.

"Yeah I'm about a Y/S, (your/size)" You shrugged. He nodded and swapped out a few of the designs for smaller or bigger ones.

After getting all the outfits chosen and the sets he wanted for you he let you try on your first outfit. You went into the fitting room while he adjusted the set. You looked at the lingerie he presented to you. Of course it was red and you looked at yourself in the mirror for a while adjusting it and admiring yourself. Jiseok then knocked on the door.

"Hey, are you dressed?" He asked softly. You got drawn back to reality from your day dreaming.

"Oh yes," you chuckled before opening the door. Jiseok had his professional camera around his neck as he held it with one hand. He looked you up and down and his face turned a soft pink.

"So I was thinking," he said before clearing his throat. "This bathroom is really nice," he smiled and you looked confused.

"Yes...it is," you said awkwardly.

"I think it'd be good to take a few photos in here!" He smiled and closed the door behind himself as he walked in. You nodded and waited for him to tell you what to do. "Could you lean back against the counter and kind of drop your head back to let your hair flow down," he asked as he gestured to the counter. You did as he suggested. He crouched down and held up his camera. He leaned forward and adjusted your leg slightly.

The brief second of contact was oddly exhilarating. You continued to pose as you heard the sound of the camera click. He moved to a different angle and took two more photos. "Okay now can you stand up straight and put your left hand across your upper chest," he said as he moved around to the front of you. You did as he said. "Tilt your head a bit to the left, like away from me," he said as he kept his eyes on your body. You did as he said and he smiled. "Perfect, just like that," he said as he snapped a few photos before squatting again to get some lower ones. "Okay now look over at the wall," he pointed to the left as he kept looking at you through the camera. "Perfect~" he prolonged the "per" in his words.

This process continued a few times in various locations with various outfits. You were in the washroom changing outfits again when you looked out the window to see it was dark. You continue to change into a beautiful white set. There was a little robe that went over top of it and you just fell in love with the design. You walk out confidently and Jiseok smiles.

"This one's absolutely gorgeous," you said as you looked at the silky fabric flowing off your body.

"Thank you," he smiled with red cheeks. "I just finished that design yesterday I believe," he looked you up and down before biting his lip slightly. "Alright, ahem, for this one we're gonna use the bed,"

You nodded and sat down on the bed. "Okay, can you go on your knees and sit down, putting your legs in a W shape?" He asked as he adjusted the camera lens. You nodded and did as he said. "Now lean back and spread your legs a bit more," you followed his instructions and watched him stay focused on his work. You bit your lip as you watched him. "Good girl," he said in a low voice and your heart skipped a beat.

Was that meant to be sensual or not?

You asked yourself. You remained focused and continued to hold your pose. "Okay now look to your right just a little bit," he moved his finger to the right as he looked into the camera. "Perfect. Stay just like that," he smiled and took a few photos. "Alright very good. Now lay back a bit more and cross your right leg over your left thigh," he said as he stood up.

You followed his directions and posed accordingly. He approached you and moved the robe a bit to expose more of your ass. You had to hold in your cheeky smile. "Relax," he said softly.

"R-Right," you blushed and composed yourself. He brushed back some of your hair to expose more of your skin and you felt your heart skip a beat.

"Perfect," he smiled and took a photo. "Now take a nice, slow deep breath for me," he said softly and you did as he asked. You took a deep breath in and heard the sound of the camera clicking. Then you let your breath out, and he took a few more photos. "Thank you, that was excellent," he smiled as he stood up and let his camera hang. He sat on the edge of the bed and you sat up.

"Your designs are beautiful, it was truly an honor to model for you," you smiled and leaned in closer to him. You looked down at his veiny hands and you blushed before instantly looking back up at him. He followed your gaze with a sly grin.

"You seemed to be looking at my hands a lot," he smiled as he leaned closer to you as well.

"Y-Yeah, I just have a thing for hands," you say before thinking. You pause and realize how out of pocket you must sound. He chuckled slightly. "No, no, that's not what I mean, I mean like..." you blushed and he smiled.

"If you haven't noticed, I have a thing for lingerie," Jiseok smirked and you looked at him attentively. "And elegant women, women that know they're worth yet sometimes still shy, women who model. Or you could say I have a thing for you," he smiled cheekily as he leaned closer. He twirled your hair around his finger as you looked at him with a flushed face. "Tell me, do you just have a thing for my hands or is there more?" He leaned in for a kiss but waited for you to give in. You leaned in and kissed him, he put his hands in your hair. You put your hands around the back of his neck and leaned back. You fell to the bed and he pinned you to it.

"I have a thing for guys with the name Kwak Jiseok," you smiled and he chuckled. He slid one of his hands up your body, tracing the stitch bands around your thighs and hips. He kissed between your collarbones softly. You leaned your head back to give him more access to your neck and chest.

"I'm so addicted to you," he grinned before kissing your neck and sucking on the skin. You inch your hips up to hit Jiseoks. His body jerks slightly from the sudden contact against his erection straining against his pants. He lets go of your skin from his lips and his head falls down. The roots of his hair being the only thing you can see. His hands continue to roam around your body as he kisses down your chest and stomach, just to the waistband of your panties. He looks up at you with hooded eyes.

You extend your hand down to run your fingers through his dark hair. He pressed the flat of his tongue against your clothed clit. You jumped and your legs inched closer to each other. Jiseok smirked and brought his hands down to your hips. He pulled off your panties, leaving them on the corner of the bed as he indulged in your pussy. He dived his head down in between your folds and slurped all your slickness.

The lewd sounds echoed in the empty studio. Your chest heaved at the pleasure coursing through your body.

"Yes," you moaned softly as you grab his head to steady yourself. His tongue flicks your clit as his hands claw at the outside of your thighs. He buries his face in your pussy. You arch your back, bucking your hips into his jaw. You can feel him smirk against your aching core. He pulls back to breathe for a minute.

"You taste so fucking good," he says before licking his lips. His plump lips wet from your juices. The tip of his nose and chin glistening. He leans back down to continue his meal. He takes another long lick up your folds and you can't keep your loud moans in. He begins to circle his tongue around the lips of your pussy as his fingers tease your entrance. His nose presses against your clit, creating an insane amount of stimulation. It's no doubt that this isn't his first rodeo. His techniques were sending sparks throughout your entire body.

The sounds of him slurping up your juices ring in your ears as you feel your climax approaching you quickly. "J-Jiseok, I'm close," you manage to whimper out between loud moans and intense gasps for air. Jiseok just continued to eat you out like you were his last meal. You grabbed his hair in a tight fist as your legs shake, threatening to close and lock around his head. "Jiseok!" You call out his name as flicks your clit mercilessly. You come undone beneath him. Your legs locking around his head as he licks up all of your cum.

Once you come down from your high you open your legs. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, it was like a reflex," you apologize but Jiseok cuts you off.

"Shh, shh," he shakes his head. You pause and watch him attentively. He sticks his tongue out and runs his index and middle finger down the outside of his tongue. His fingers glistening from your cum. You blush and feel your walls tighten around nothing from the excitement of his flirtatious action. You bite your lip. "You were such a good little girl," he cooes as he leans over top of you. You see his shirt covered in miscellaneous liquids. He starts unbuttoning his shirt as he sits on his knees.

He throws his shirt aside and you admire his toned body. You extend a hand out to run along his abdomen. His skin is so soft and smooth. You look up at him to see a playful grin on his lips. You travel your hand down to his waistband tugging on it lightly.

"You want a turn now?" He says in a creamy low voice that makes the butterflies in your stomach fly south. You nod softly and he lets out a little sigh. He unbuttons his dress pants and takes them off along with his boxers, finally freeing his member.

He lays back on the bed and you instantly crawl beside him, eager to play with his cock. You can't help but admire the way it stands against his stomach. You grab him from the base and take one long lick up his length. A soft moan escapes his lips as his body jerks lightly. "Good girl," he says as he brushes back your [H/L] hair. You look at his erection worriedly. You hesitantly open your mouth and approach his tip. "If you don't want to baby you don't have to," he says softly, misenturpitating your hesitation.

"No, no I want to. I'm just not sure if I can't fit it all in my mouth," you chuckle with an embarrassed smile.

"Don't worry about fitting it all, that's what your hands are for doll," he smiles as he plays with your hair. You nod and put your lips around him. He groans loudly, seething between his teeth. "Fuck, baby," he grunts as he holds your hair in a messy ponytail. You hold the bottom of his length, rotating your hand from extra stimulation. "Good girl, just like that," he praises, knowing you're trying your best. You Bob your head slowly adjusting to his size.

You roll your tongue around as you stuff him in your mouth. He grunts lowly and you can see him trying to keep his hips from bucking into your mouth. He's trying not to push you past your comfort zone but he's also losing it. "You're doing so good," he continues to praise as he plays with your hair. His praise encourages you to take a little bit more of him in your mouth. You begin to Bob your head faster from the encouragement.

"Yes!" He moans loudly his hips ever so slightly bucking up. "Fuck, I'm trying so hard baby but you're making me go crazy," he admits as he holds your head. You rub the tip of his cock on the inside of your cheek as you continue to suck him off. You feel his cock twitch in your mouth and both of you know he's just about to go over the edge. "I'm gonna cum!" He moans and you slip him off of your lips, his cum squirting up into your face.

His cum drips down from your eyebrows to your chin. He lets go of your hair as he pants heavily. You lick up his length to taste every drop of his sweetness.

"You're so hot," he says in a low raspy voice. He suddenly picks you up by your hips and holds you just above his tip. "Are you ready for this?" Jiseok asks in a soft voice.

You nod "Yes," you bite your lip eagerly.

"Are you sure?" He asks one more time to be sure. You nod vigorously and he finally lets go of your hips. You slowly sink onto him, his cock stretching you perfectly. You throw your head back as you let out a loud moan. "You're s-so tight," he groans as he holds your hips again. You fully sit down on his length and take a moment to adjust to him.

You slowly start to roll your hips on him. You feel his tip hit so deep inside you. You clench around him as your body jolts forward in pleasure, your semen-covered hand over your mouth. Jiseok reaches up to you with shaking hands. "I want to hear you," he grunts and you put your hand down. You start to get used to his size and start to slowly rise up and down on his cock. He swears he can see stars from the way you move on him.

He grips your hips harshly before you start bouncing on him. The sound of your skin colliding rings in your ears. You watch as his chest heaves. He extends a hand up to your tits which are currently bouncing with your pace. He slides his fingertips under the fabric he used only a week ago. He never could've guessed he'd be here now.

He runs his fingertips over your nipple adding to the sensations coursing through you. "I'm close," you moan as you bounce faster, your walls clenching around him.

"Good baby," he chuckles. "Keep using me until you're satisfied," he smirks as he feels his climax approaching as well. The feeling of your pussy hugging every vein in his cock so tightly drives him insane. He feels like you're just milking him into nothing. "I'm gonna cum, where do you want it?" He says through deep, raspy, breaths.

"Inside," you moan out loudly as you orgasm, your legs shaking as you claw at his chest. He grabs your hips and thrusts into you a few more times causing you to let out a hoarse moan. You were already sensitive from just orgasming so intensely that this could just break you.

You felt his hot semen fill you up. His body glistens in sweat beneath you as the two of you pant in unison. You look down and slowly slide off his cock. A mixture of your pleasure pours from your pussy. Jiseok quickly presses his thumb against your entrance. You look at him surprised as cum drips from his thumb.

He pants as he looks up at you, strands of his hair stuck to his forehead.

"So, you wanna model for me again next week? Same time?" He chuckles before licking his lips.

A/N:: not to toot my own horn or anything but omg I love this fanfic *lip bite emoji* literally (s)creamed while proofreading it

[s4pphic-sh3nan1gans]

How would Bojan and Kris share songwriting ideas together? For example, at home on the couch in a homely atmosphere with Kris grumbling sometimes at some lines that Bojan suggests to tease him, or maybe in the studio? How do you imagine it? 💌

aaaaaa this is a very cool ask! 🫶

I'm actually gonna start by drawing my inspiration from something recent that we know happened, which is about the upcoming song "ako toga više neće biti." Kris said that when Bojan first pitched the song he wasn't too sure about it and didn't really understand what it was about, and it's only when the song was finished that he started to fall in love with it. we don't fully know what the song is about yet (and I'll definitely come back to this idea when the song is released and we've heard it as a whole) but broadly speaking, it seems like this is definitely one way the songwriting process can go between the two of them. in fact, it kinda parallels an earlier moment when Kris wrote "ngvot" and Bojan also dismissed it at first, several times if I'm remembering correctly 👀 I'd like to think that the fact they're not afraid to criticise each other a little shows how comfortable and familiar they are with each other, and I don't doubt for a second that for both of them, it stems from their deep affection 🥰

but now, the fanfic writer in me (or maybe I should say the little devil on my shoulder that likes to whisper in my ear 😭) is saying "what if Bojan was writing a song about Kris?". he'd have to make sure it's not glaringly obvious, which is where I can see what you suggested coming into play, with Bojan struggling to filter himself a little and instead speaking his mind in terms of lyric ideas and watching as Kris either blushes or looks at him all mock-scandalised. but really, I think both of them would have a pretty hard time trying to come up with appropriate lyrics 🤭

as for if they were in the studio with the others, I can imagine them both shooting ideas at each other as they'd get into the creative headspace. maybe they'd bicker a little, but they long ago learnt how to keep things civil so there's no repeat of any "creative differences." actually, I'd like to believe that over the years, their heated discussions over song lyrics and musical arrangements have somewhat become part of their flirting in disguise, and they think they're being subtle about it when in reality the others are sharing exasperated looks with each other...

those are my main ideas! I can't wait until the album is released and they hopefully start talking more about the creative process for the songs on the album so we can perhaps pick up even more bokris crumbs 👀

[ghoulphile]

I absolutely love ur fics!! And I want to write fics of my own soon (not for fallout yet..) can u give me any advice/tips? How do u try to write down the characters as accurate as possible?

Aww thank you so much!!

That's awesome, I'm glad you're getting into writing ❤️

I'm more than happy to talk about what works for me; however, no two writers are alike so some things might resonate and some might not.

Take what does, and leave what doesn't.

Read - a lot. Published works, fanfic, poetry, novellas, series, oneshots, longfic; read it all. Explore different genres and storylines. Find what you like about them, and what you dislike. What makes them good or bad in your opinion. Play around with what you'd do differently if it was your story. All of this will help you figure out a few things: one being what you personally like in storytelling, and two the basic structure of storytelling/what makes it compelling.

Find your voice. We all have a unique tone when telling a story, verbally or otherwise. Figuring out what your personal voice is will help you write authentically but also I can guarantee you're going to be 10,000x more happy with what you come up with.

Showing vs telling is a delicate balance. Sometimes things need to be written out plainly, and other times it works better if you add more meat to the sentence. An example would be: she's angry vs her heart rate pulsed in her temples, her fists shaking at her sides as a wave of heat rolled through her body. While they both convey the same thing, one can be more engaging to read over another.

Sometimes you have to write the boring bits - and write them plainly - to further the plot.

Most people are not a walking thesaurus, and using big fancy words like you're writing a dissertation can be very off putting. Absolutely use stronger words if you can, but you don't need to be using furfuraceous to replace scaly.

Additionally, forward momentum: one action should always lead into another which leads into another and so on.

A first draft is never pretty (if you decide to do multiple drafts) and that's okay.

If you get stuck, go back several sentences. Sometimes we write ourselves into a corner without realizing. OR add what you want in brackets and move on if you're getting hung up on certain parts. An example being something like: He was [find word for mix of angry and sad] but had to stiffen his upper lip and move about his day as if [insert phrase mentioning what happened earlier]. Worse case, put it down for a day or so and come back to it later with fresh eyes.

As mad as it makes me, and as hilarious as it is... writing in Comic Sans helps. RIP.

Saying your sentence out loud can help you figure out if something is off, and saying your dialogue out loud can help determine if it's something an actual person would say.

Taking your time and being patient is the best thing you can do for your creativity otherwise you might burn yourself out.

I find music helpful so I create playlists for every fic I write that matches the vibe I'm going for. Additionally, I have pre-writing rituals that help me get into the headspace.

Yes, cryofreeze your darlings - put them somewhere safe for later. You can use those sentences for something else, they don't need to be completely deleted.

As for keeping characters... well, in character, it depends. Watching/listening to/reading whatever media they're in and paying close attention to the words they say + how they say them + if they have any specific phrases, the way they move + their actions + how they react to things helps a lot. Personally, I keep little lists of things I've noticed that I can refer to if I need them. And sometimes, you just have to suspend your disbelief a little and determine how someone might react to the particular situation you've put the character in. When it comes to that, I tend to think back on when I've been in similar situations or have felt the way they should in that scene, and use how I've reacted as a touchstone.

Write what YOU'D want to read.

And most importantly, HAVE FUN.

I hope this helped, nonnie~!!

Happy writing, you've got this 🥰

[chiyoso]

update

hi pookie. to those who read this the first time, welcome back, this is a re-write. an update. i kinda found the initial update i did rushed, not clearly descriptive of my situation outside this writing hobby of mine. also for the ones that i tagged, i have notes for you <3 (sorry for the tag 🫶🏻)

alright. hello hello. i'm chiyo, a jjk-focused/sporadic genshin and hsr fanfic writer, and you've caught me, and this blog in such bad time, and im so, so very fucking burnt out.

writing for me should be fun, stress relieving, and that goes for any other hobby i have. i have been told and supported countless of times to take a rest, to take a break from this, but my stubborn ass continues to try and get something out, anything to keep my blog alive, hells, it feels like a toxic relationship where i keep coming back, because i remember all the fun, happy and fond times i had in this app, only then to return to why it becomes draining, exhausting.

just sat there, occasionally laid on my back, using my phone, but with unmoving thumbs, with a brain lacking the world that needs the narrative to make a story, fuck, where has it gone?

that innocent, startup of mine, the newfound love and interest for that world of fiction that you all create. dude, i remember being so happy discovering that this brain of mine can conjure up so many shit, all because of your words, it's fucking amazing. hence, the start of the era of my honkai star rail writing journey. (hsr/hi3rd fans who followed me, i let you down with my jujutsu kaisen brainrot obsession im sorry lmao)

“take a break hira,” “take a break chiyo,” “please, take a break.”

i've heard it all, and with utmost love and respect, thank you.

thank you for everything, every word, every action, and every peep of interest you all had for me. small and big creators, who, stopped by because of my small percent chance drop in on their feed, because of the stories i created that you shared, i've met so many wonderful, inspring and motivating people in tumblr, fuck, i didn't expect to crrate a little community all by myself, with my grit alone, it's so rewarding for someone who strives for perfection, for someone who struggles with her mental health daily, for someone who deluded themselves in a world of fiction, I can't express my genuine gratitude enough.

i'm not quitting. maybe i should've mentionrd that earlier to prevent you from getting rattled, but continuing off, i don't find myself quitting this writing journey, maybe i'm just not in the right mental headspace for it at this time. damn, my ex really fucked me up LMAO.

right, i'm aware of the less and lessening interactions i've had with the people i've encountered throughout tumblr, i feel sick of myself for not being able to catch up, nor interact with any of you as much as i could anymore, it really, really fucking sucks, i hate it, i hate it, i do.

i still have leftover projects to go over and publish, because i still want MY ideas, MY thoughts, MY worlds of fictional prowess to all of you. i'm not done, but i will say, that i'm- i'm so incredibly, so very sorry to the ones that were highly, to the heavens, expecting greatness from me, to the ones who were anticipating my unfinished stories, fuck, there's so much to do, yet my body, my mind, they do not respond, as if i'm losing my sense of time, literally.

all i can say to those sticking with me because of their plain interest for me, i wish, i pray, i'll beg, beg for me, my soul, my mind, my body, my spirit to heal, and heal faster, so i can love you all at my 100%, not with my trying 20%, and lower.

thank you. to the old, and to the recent supporters that got me to 3k followers and counting, fuckin' wild. actually insane.

i'll continue to write. i'll continue to create. i don't want to quit.

i don't want to leave the only thing that gave me freedom, and the genuine happiness the first time, making me discover shit about myself, and there's that.

p.s. apologies for my jjk brainrot everyone who followed for genshin and hsr <3 also that one popular otome game, love & deepspace? yeah, that shit's also fucking me up so good.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: (lawd i feel bad for tagging)

@ainescribe @wanderingconstellations @teapartyspilled @v3lv3tf0x @ciarchivez ⸻ you fucking OGS. literally five pillars of my life, the cheerleaders, my absolute undying support of this blog, you saw me at my noob tumblr handling form, the lows, the highs, and the absolute peaks, i consider all of you special, i do, you all made tumblr and the writing community such a fun place for me. thank you, thank you, i just can't spam that voiceline enough.

@peachdues @screampied @chuluoyi @blkkizzat @jabamin @flametrashira @meowzfordayz ⸻ you superstar mutuals of mine. we've only interacted sporadically, PLEASE BLAME MY BURNOUT AND COLLEGE SCHEDULE FOR THAT, but all of you invoked so much burning hope, and motivation for me through your stories, AND your interests for me, whether it'd be something about my themes, edits, stories, it doesn't matter, you all took interest in lil' ol me, despite what, being such big content creators? FUCK??? that's insane. thank you.

god, i seriously wish my schedule would just clear up by a fuckton, and then again, i was the one who took psychology and performing arts 💤 i hope, hope HOPE i get to interact with you all again once i take a leave/break from college.

⸻ with all my love, chiyo.

[wazzappp]

You write fanfics, right? Would you mind giving a newbie a few tips for writing their very first fanfiction ??? 🥺

FIRST OF ALL WOAH. IM HONORED YOU WOULD ASK ME FOR ADVICE AND SECOND OF ALL AKAKKFJGKHKHSKSGG I uhhhhh. Kind of????? Write?? I make plans and then I draw comics I'm actually trying to WRITE write something right now (key word being 'trying') but INEXPERIENCE ASIDE I guess I can try to tell you about some stuff I like to think about when planning a comic?

I like to start by knowing both where everyone is starting out and where everyone is going to end up. It's also helpful to know what everyone WANTS. I make sure to separate those two because they aren't necessarily the same thing. It's good to know both before you get to the details. If you don't know where you're going, you cant have fun getting there!

When I'm planning something out I like to start with the big parts as bullet points and then fill in the gaps. That way, if you realize one point doesn't flow into the other the right way, you can rearrange things before you're 5 hours deep and realize 3 hours worth of it doesn't work.

Try to think up multiple different ways a scene/situation could go! I replay something in my head a dozen times in a dozen different ways until I land on one I like. If you have something solid its totally cool to stick with it, but it's also fun to explore possibilities in your head before committing. That way you can pick out what the most impactful version is and go with that.

TALK!!! TO YOURSELF!!! FOR DIALOGUE!!! Find somewhere private where you wont be judged or interrupted and just go for it (my personal favorite is in the car on my drive to work but don't do that if you think it will get you into an accident lol). Try and get into each characters headspace and think about how it feels to say the things you're saying. Does it make you feel sick? Choked up? Tense? Notice it and think about how it will change their body language and how other people perceive them.

Know what your characters flaws are! Perfect people are BORING. Not to mention unrealistic. Also its really important for how people interact with each other! If someone is distrustful, judgemental, naive, defensive, blunt LITERALLY ANY CHARACTER FLAW it will play a role in how they deal with both people and problems.

Working on biographies + character designs (if you draw) for characters to make sure you understand them as well as possible is really helpful. I do it for almost all of my AU's that I make. But also I'm incredibly detail oriented so yk. Take that bit of advice with a grain of salt. I like picking my favorite little guys apart with a scalpel but if you find that demotivating don't worry about it too much.

If you're following along with a game or a movie, it's good to know ahead of time how closely you are sticking to the established story and universe. Keep track of any new rules you make. Working within a set of constraints helps to get both you and the character to think more creatively, and keeping those rules consistent makes the world feel more real. In a way, setting limits makes your world bigger!

Its also worth mentioning that I like to pay attention to what I enjoy reading when I'm figuring out a story. What pacing do you like? What level of description? Do you like things phrased more straightforwards or more poetic? I'm not suggesting you copy people of course. Just know what you like and try to apply it to yourself!

Damn that was way more than I thought I had to say lol. I'm going to also tag @moosemonstrous @rokhal @kermit-coded @cannibal-wings sin case they might have some tips to add because they are all absolutely exemplary in their craft (bring out the FANCY words today just for you) and I HIGHLY suggest looking at their works.

<3 Thanks for your ask!! I cant wait to see what you make!

[bigskydreaming]

So, been awhile! Apologies for that - took a step back from most social media sites for a few months because the accumulated stresses and everpresent urgency to most things I've been dealing with for the past five plus years finally caught up with me and I kinda just....crashed, and needed some time to get my head on straight. Or whatever the non-obvious-pun version of that might be for a Known Bisexual. Everything was getting to be too constantly 'stop and go' for me, if that makes sense.....like I'd TRY to be more present on here, TRY to work on things like my patreon and fic and meta and stuff like that because I've really wanted to get back to creating actual stuff that people enjoy instead of being like My Issues: The Latest Installment and the like, but then something else would crop up and kill my momentum before it even really got going and I'd have to duck away yet again, and rinse and repeat.

HENCE! I took a more dedicated, extended leave to try and get into a headspace and build a buffer that better lends itself to me getting back to the kinds of posting/writing conditions I've thrived under in the past. It took longer than I thought, but I've never been good at accurately estimating things lol. I've still been on twitter somewhat sporadically, since a huge part of why I hate that site is its format makes it all but impossible to really get to ranting at length...y'know, as I do, my tried and true time-suck method of procrastinating...and with everything going on in the world these days I didn't want to disconnect entirely even though I did need time to work through some shit. BUT I DIGRESS.

Point is, felt like I needed something more substantial than the optimistic-but-lacking-in-actual-energy-and-planning measures I've attempted in the past couple years in order to get on top of things and achieve a measure of consistency and stability again. Less shooting for the moon because I just WANT to be back to my older, happier/more content patterns, more....putting some actual time and thought into how I can realistically make that happen instead of just trying to will it into existence through sheer stubbornness. Because obviously, THAT always works.

ANYWAY. It'll still be a couple days before I get back to regular posting/reblogging patterns or much of any of that at all.....don't be confused if you see some blink and you miss them temporary posts from me over the next day or two. I'm testing out the formatting and layout of a bunch of posts and graphics made for my patreon and original fiction stuff, since the preview post function doesn't always work with read mores in a post and they're all gonna need that lol. If anyone's up for it, I am finalizing the price/reward tiers of my patreon and could use some thoughts on the different levels - I think I have them mostly figured out but wouldn't mind some additional perspectives on how I broke things down and if I'm missing some alternatives. Just message me directly if you'd like to weigh in or lend me your thoughts!

I've never wanted my tumblr to be all about fic or just original content or anything like that, so the patreon's meant to kinda keep all that separate beyond just generalized update announcements on here. The blog will remain just a regular multi-purpose smorgasboard of my reblogs and thoughts on other posts and meta about my various fandoms and all that jazz. The patreon discord will have spaces having to do with my various fanfics, but they'll never be exclusive to it in any way, and every fic update I make will still be on my blog same as always. I've been building masterlists of all my Dick Grayson meta and all my Teen Wolf meta, as well as headcanons and writing snippets/scenes that never got posted elsewhere because I didn't consider them full fics, and I'm starting a series of posts that lean directly into my tendencies to be an Overly Opinionated Asshole who - historically speaking - has never been, uh, shy, shall we say, about Having Thoughts about various fandom patterns or trends.

So....look out for the upcoming "Kalen Vs Fandoms" post series. What? It sounded catchy to me. First up:

"Fandoms' tendency to pick one character per fandom to have every other character introduce as the dumbest person they've ever met, but no its okay, they're actually really fond of them and universally defaulting to a judgmental or patronizing shot at their intelligence every single time they're the topic of conversation among other characters just naturally happens to be part of every single other character's love language - is this perhaps NOT as endearing or affectionate as fandoms tend to treat it as?" Aka "How many people can actually say they'd be comfortable with the idea of every single person in their family or friend group leading with "I genuinely think they're stupid but I love them anyway" each time they talk about them to someone else, and if you don't think that's a normal conversation starter for people to have about a loved one, why do so many fandoms attempt to treat it as such?"

.....the length of post title should not be taken as an indicator of how long each post is. If people want to draw their own conclusions about post length based solely on the fact that they're, well, by me.....I mean. That's totally your prerogative. Nothing I can do about that!

Post topics will run the gamut, if for no other reason than gamut is an amazing word that doesn't get used enough and I wanted to use it. From "Its totally valid to project onto characters and use fic as a way to work through various issues via that projection but how much does this have to do with how defensively people react to the slighest criticism of character choices in their fics as though personally attacked - discuss" to "Criticizing and condemning the writers of source material for specific things - to rave reviews from followers - only to then do the exact same specific things in your own fics - to rave reviews from followers - while claiming that the mere fact of being a fan not getting paid for writing those specific things somehow makes them less worthy of criticism.....are we all seeing the problem here."

There's a slight chance those titles are perhaps....somewhat unnecessarily asshole-coded, but like, in a whimsical way! I think. Whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine!

Will either rhyme OR reason be involved in the order of post topics? No. Not even a little bit. Next question.

Aside from "Kalen vs Fandoms" I've been putting a lot of thought into what other topics or content I can expound upon at length, to the possible interest of people. I'm good at writing and editing and analyzing narratives. Not claiming to be the best, just not trying to fish for compliments or anything. I think my analysis of narrative and character choices has generally been of interest in most fandoms I've been in, but when I'm IN a fandom, I do personally invest in favorite characters and stories that inevitably put me in opposition to takes from fans of other characters and stories within that fandom, and when that happens, the Horseman of Discourse inevitably follows and I....do the discourse. Look, I am who I am. I see the discourse, I engage with the discourse. Unless I don't care about the topic of discourse, in which case I don't, because that discourse doesn't matter. Obviously.

SO! In the interest of posting about narrative analysis and breakdowns of writing choices, character arcs and the like but WITHOUT engaging in The Discourse, I'll be making an easy-to-find post of fandoms or source material whose characters and narratives I'm familiar enough with TO have opinions or analysises of, but for whatever reason, the fandom has never clicked for me and I've never actually felt a desire to be part of it. Thus I'm not likely to be invested or compelled enough to follow up on anyone disagreeing with my personal thoughts or analysis or various character arcs or narratives, because its literally just like, my opinion man, presented for no other purpose than to potentially be of interest to anyone who might be interested in it. No actual follow up needed on my part because I'm not particularly chuffed if people have different takes, they're totally valid, mine don't exist for the purpose of being defended there, they just exist because Opinions, I Had Them, Here Look. Or Don't. Its Totally Whatever.

Because I don't feel as strongly about these pieces of media as I do fandoms I'm personally invested in, it is trickier to come up with a comprehensive list of ones I can weigh in on. So please feel free to hit up my inbox with any fandoms, narrative or character arcs you're curious about my take on, and I'll let you know if they're fandoms I consider myself a participant in, and thus not really right for this series, or if they're something I'm just not knowledgeable about.....but if they're not an actual fandom of mine and I AM familiar enough with them to have an analytical take or response, I'll add them to the masterlist/post as a potential topic.

This series will be called and tagged "Kalen Vs Writing Choices" (That I Personally Don't Like Or Think Could Be Better). The parenthetical part is there solely to be a disclaimer clarifying that my ego is not so great that I think that My Subjective Take on the writing choices made or not made is the only one that matters. I mean, I don't intend to include the disclaimer as part of the actual tag and will mostly leave it as y'know, like, something IMPLIED, but the disclaimer still exists and thus counts. That's totally how that works.

And that's how I've chosen to awkwardly segue into the final intended-of-three post series.....Dramatically Abrupt Tonal Shift Ahoy!

This next part will get long, but I would truly appreciate it if you gave it a read despite its length and even if - especially if - the next topic isn't one you typically look for my take on, or even avoid my take on, because I don't think I'm likely to ever express my thoughts on this matter any more genuinely or directly than this. Like I'm not trying to guilt anyone or anything like that, its more I'm just trying to say if you ever read ANY single post of mine when it comes to the next topic or pick a post to base your decision on whether or not TO wade into something I have to say on this subject, I would appreciate it if you made that this next part here, as I think it best conveys where I'm coming from when it comes to most any post I make along these lines.

So. The thing is....most people who've followed me long know that in the past I've frequently been extremely vocal on topics of rape, incest and abuse, specifically through the lens of being a male survivor. These absolutely are personal for me. This has led to me having a lot of Overly Opinionated Takes on these topics and how they're talked about, depicted and treated within fandom conversations, fics, and social media spheres and conversations at large. I've also pretty obviously not posted on these topics nearly as much in recent years as I once did - but not because I feel any less strongly about them.

And that's one hundred percent because it's frustrating as hell to see a very good portion of the posts I make about any OTHER topic in my usual fandoms go on to accumulate hundreds of notes....while NONE of my posts on these topics ever break out of my direct circle of mutuals. I don't say it to be egotistical - look how many notes I get on stuff - I say it because its literally objectively factual, and the disparity is dramatic, and the disparity is a PROBLEM. Especially given how much the topics of male rape and abuse - in SPECIFIC - tend to be, within most of my past fandoms.

This disparity has a very clear reason for existing too: people have never been shy about citing that they refrain from reblogging or referencing my posts on these topics because they feel like I act like I'm the only opinion that matters on them, the sole authority to be listened to here, that I use my status as a male rape survivor as a cudgel, to shut down opposing takes or points of view.

Which I would totally be fine with or understand if not for the fact that I've always gone out of my way to express that I don't want or expect my opinions on these matters to be taken as anything other than my personal opinions born of my personal experiences, which I cite because they're relevant. I don't think that survivors should have to disclose their status or personal history or details in order to have their opinion heard on these topics, but I deeply resent how often survivors making the choice TO disclose their personal history or relationship with these topics in order to directly unpack how that informs our perspective....is weaponized AGAINST us, in order to shut down and discredit OUR takes even while literally accusing us of only disclosing in order to do the exact same thing to others.

Something that I've posted about a LOT in the hopes of getting it spread throughout fandoms that regularly talk about male rape is for literal decades I've seen people harp on about how men can be raped too, believe male survivors, don't believe the myth that men can't be raped, etc. Which like, I appreciate the sentiment, but the thing I've tried to express for years is that in my personal experience, and those of a lot of other male survivors I've talked to - this is not really the biggest or even ONE of the biggest issues most male survivors face.

And the fact that for all that there are many survivors in fandom who have made the difficult choice to be open about their traumas and recoveries - which I ALWAYS respect, as that is never easy for any of us - a huge part of why I've always made a point to disclose my own history as a male survivor is because there just flat out aren't a lot of perspectives from MALE survivors in specific, being circulated in pretty much any of the fandom spaces I've ever been in over the past twenty years. I don't even slightly think I'm any more of an expert or authority on topics of rape or abuse - beyond how they pertain to my own personal experiences - than any other survivor. But as long as the topic of MALE rape and abuse in specific, how men are affected by these things, how society reacts to us and treats us in the aftermath....as long as these are the topics explicitly being discussed.....I do think my perspective as a male survivor is pretty fucking relevant, and admittedly, I tend to get pretty heated about pushing BACK against attempts to invalidate it or shout it down as though I somehow have LESS of a stake in or right to be heard in these particular conversations. And I get how this has at times come across as attempting to dominate a given conversation.

But like.....I'm also going to point back up to the part where I said earlier....I'm an Overly Opinionated Asshole. I say it somewhat deprecatingly, for the lulz, but also not. I'm very passionate about conversations and topics I feel strongly about and I don't make apologies for it. And for the most part....this has NEVER stopped people from reblogging or liking posts I make about pretty much any other topic....despite me not really coming across that differently in most of them, compared to how I come across in most of my past posts on topics of rape and abuse.

See....I'm in complete agreement with everyone who emphasizes that rape isn't a gendered issue. That it can and does happen to individuals of any gender or identity. But the reason why I've always found the focus on 'remember that men can be raped too' more performative than helpful is because for almost twenty years, I've been posting on these topics in various fandom spaces and trying to express that in my personal experience, something that REALLY deserves to be talked about more is the fact that rape is not gendered. But rape CULTURE very much IS.

Like it or not, we live in a very gendered society still. While yes, men can be raped too.....for a number of reasons - most of them born of sexism and misogyny in specific - the conditions, catalysts and reasons for men being raped are NOT interchangeable with those at work in instances of women being raped, as an example. Because the way society treats men and women in pretty much EVERY situation is different. Similarly, the way society REACTS to men and women disclosing they've been raped is different. And so on and so on.

So 'remember that men can be raped too' has some basis in societal claims that men can't be raped or that rape IS a gendered issue....but not as much as I think most people tend to believe. And twenty years after I first started searching out perspectives of other male survivors in online fandom spaces, beyond just real world physical support groups, I'm STILL hearing 'remember that men can be raped too' dominating all conversations about male survivors just as regularly and repetitiously as it was twenty years ago....as though the world has not changed at all, and the needle on this particular facet of male survivorhood hasn't changed an inch in the past two decades when no, actually, it very much has.

The reason why I feel so strongly about offering up my perspective as a male survivor in a relative absence of seeing other male survivors' perspectives circulated is I honestly believe the reason this is so consistently upheld as the biggest problem facing male survivors is its a carry-over from women attempting to be heard and believed when disclosing....which makes sense and is completely understandable....as long as there's a complete absence of male survivors offering up any perspective that's to the contrary.

But the fact that we live in a gendered society where rape culture, not rape itself, still very much IS gendered due to being a product of....living in a gendered society....means that the differences in how society treats and reacts to men and women affects every aspect of how society treats and reacts to men and women survivors. And that starts with disclosure itself. In my personal experience - and fully acknowledging that I don't speak for any other male survivor in this moment, and I absolutely do believe there are those who have experiences to the contrary, and that matters too - MY experience, which also matters, is that not once in the twenty years since I've started disclosing about my own rape, or the csa I experienced as a child - have I actually had an issue being believed.

With full acknowledgment of how unfair it is, how gross, the reality of living in a sexist, patriarchal society where male privilege very much exists, is that while men can be raped too, this traumatic thing that happened to us does not in any way actually invalidate or negate our male privilege. It doesn't turn it off for the duration of our experience or any time its relevant to our experiences going forward. We carry that privilege with us through our recoveries and the rest of our lives just as much as we did before it, because its an inalienable result of being in a society that allocates privilege solely on the basis of being born a man who identifies and presents as a cis man (with respect to trans individuals having another axis of experience that very much differentiates all matters pertaining to rape culture, in comparison to cis men, just as much as in the case of cis women, albeit in different ways).

And the gross unfortunate reality of our society is that it ALWAYS prioritizes believing men over women, in all matters......especially cis white men like myself.

So the simple fact is....even the act of disclosure - and the likelihood of being believed when voluntarily choosing to share the information that we've been raped - means that a cis white man like myself does not receive the same reaction as most women receive when attempting to share that same information. Society preconditions a lot of people to be more receptive to taking cis white men at their word, comparative to affording anyone else that basic respect.

Getting people to believe me when I say I was raped has never been the issue for me that other individuals face.

But that doesn't mean that my disclosure doesn't result in issues for me.

Because while being raped never invalidated or negated any of my cis white male privilege, neither did having cis white male privilege negate the possibility of me being raped - OR the fact that society ALSO preconditions people to be really fucking shitty about survivors.

(Hell, ANY kind of living victim....with this also being very relevant to abuse survivors, survivors of physical assault, etc. Much like people can be overflowing with empathy for unborn children who can't offer up any take to the contrary to whatever people want to say "in defense or support of unborn children," only to turn around and cease caring about most of those babies the second they're born, people tend to be just as overflowing with empathy for deceased victims of abuse, rape, assault and the like....who, y'know, also can't offer up any take to the contrary of whatever they say or claim about what they WOULD want, what they DO deserve, etc. Present those same people with a living child or a living victim who can and DOES have an opinion that doesn't match what those people feel it SHOULD be? Watch attitudes shift VERY quickly, as allllll that empathy hurriedly flushes down the drain as though it was never there).

But the point is, my cis white male privilege is always here regardless. But that doesn't mean rape culture isn't shitty enough that it can't find a way to circumvent even that in pursuit of discrediting/invalidating/ignoring survivors, just like that privilege can be circumvented in order to create the situation where a man is raped in the first place.

Its just....the gendered nature of rape culture means HOW those attempts to discredit/invalidate/ignore male survivors manifests.....doesn't look the same as when it leads to just outright disbelieving other survivors when they attempt to disclose.

And that is how I can be listened to and reblogged on most any other topic, no matter HOW I go about presenting myself in those posts or conversations - ironically in no small part BECAUSE of my cis white male privilege - while only getting crickets when I post on these topics, BECAUSE people only choose THOSE posts to make my presentation or level of intensity a dealbreaker, and thus their very reason for ignoring anything I have to say there. Not because they don't believe me, but because the WAY I say it is too aggressive, too biased, too emotional, too intense....its an attack on their autonomy, an attempt to override whatever they previously thought or believed about the subject and just force them to adhere to my take.

Because the thing about living in a sexist, patriarchal society is.....that IS a thing that cis white men often do, and a lot of society is structured to make it easier for us to achieve this in most instances, frankly. This just happens to be a rare exception, because for a lot of reasons that would make this post even longer - and that again, I've often posted about before - upholding and reinforcing rape culture on a society wide level supersedes the usual focus on accommodating INDIVIDUAL cis white men in having their opinions heard and circulated.

I'm trying to be as frank as possible here about the intersection of privilege and experiences of being a male survivor because I don't believe its to anyone's benefit to be disingenuous about it, and I do think that it doesn't actually supplant the fact that male survivors do have just as much right - and NEED - to be heard and listened to about our experiences with rape and perspective there, and have those ACKNOWLEDGED, as anyone else.

Its just....the existence of privilege and how that differentiates most experiences in a gendered society matters, and thus.....it needs to be part of the conversation rather than just treating all responses to rape and survivors as agendered, just because rape itself can and does happen to people of all genders.

There's actually a fair amount to get into when it comes to differences in a lot of mens' disclosures vs womens' in my experience, but just as an extension of what I'm talking about here, one of the specific elements in my experience is that men often don't have a problem being believed about having been raped or abused.....but one of the predominant responses is society is heavily preconditioned to view male rape and abuse survivors as almost inevitably feeling they need to exert a similar power over someone else in order to claim back their own feelings of pride and safety in their masculinity. Effectively.....most every male rape or abuse survivor I've ever talked with at length shares a similar experience of being believed when they disclose about being a survivor....but noting a clear and direct shift in how whomever they disclosed to interacts with them....with EVERY expression of anger or outrage - particularly in the matter of their rape or abuse - being viewed as evidence of us being ticking time bombs who are inevitably primed to explode and take out what happened to us on someone else.

There's being cautious around cis white men, for example, because we're cis white men, which I totally get and am not expressing an opinion on. I'm just saying even with that acknowledged, there is a SHIFT in how people interact with me after I've disclosed to them personally, in how they....scrutinize me, for lack of a better way of putting it, in very noticeable ways and areas. Like its consistent. And think about how its not totally true that media doesn't portray men as being capable of being raped or abused, typically. Think about how often you've seen procedurals where the backstory of the rapist or abuser of the week is specifically THAT they were a rape or abuse survivor themselves, usually in childhood. Its NOT that society doesn't believe or accept that men can be raped too. Its that society is primed to default to viewing the very act of men being raped as an indicator of the shift from them being a man to being a man who is likely to become a predator themselves.

Rape appears all the time in regards to male survivors in media. Its just it usually just appears in the context of men who arent presented AS survivors, but rather as predators or aggressors themselves, and their past victimization treated as a catalyst rather than a trauma. This is not to excuse any such character or depiction of course, its simply to emphasize that the very angle from which male survivorhood is approached in most contexts is different from that of other survivors. Just like the angle from which their survivorhood is approached is different from that of male survivors. And thus the issue most men have with disclosing in my experience is NOT that we're afraid we won't be believed....its that we're afraid once we disclose, we'll be viewed as inherently more dangerous because our victimization primes us to be that much more likely to inflict ourselves on others in some attempt to reclaim our masculinity.

And its categorically NOT about any group of survivors having it better or worse than others, which is why I LOATHE people saying variations of 'you wouldn't say that about this if it happened to a woman' because anyone attempting to pit male survivors against other survivors en masse is NOT doing so for my benefit or with my endorsement. The point is just that each way society and rape culture interacts with a different group of survivors presents different problems and issues that need addressing, and aren't interchangeable.

There is a REASON why the subject of Dick Grayson's anger - usually in the context of things that have happened to him - is so important to me, specifically in terms of ensuring that its treated as something he's allowed to have....rather than an indicator that he's going to messily explode his life in a way that impacts everyone around him negatively.

Now.....if you've never considered that aspect of rape vs rape culture and how it can differently affect and shape the experiences and recovery of cis male survivors versus trans male survivors and nonbinary survivors and survivors who identify as women.....I ask that you consider what else my perspective might be able to add to actually productive, meaningful conversations about rape, rape culture and survivorhood, that you never would have thought TO think about before, without male survivors bringing it up based on it having played a role in personal experiences.

And then I just ask that you please think about the implications of someone known for being a vocal presence in certain fandoms, with a fairly sizable number of posts widely circulating throughout them......never having posts about male rape and survivorhood circulated to any noticeable degree, despite writing DOZENS of them, in all kinds of different moods, ways and intensity levels.....and all of them while active in fandoms where male rape is regularly discussed or focused on due to certain characters or storylines......and ask yourselves if it maybe seems a little off for the disparity to be THAT large. Again: I have written DOZENS of posts on this topic. All with less than twenty notes. I'll be composing a masterlist of them in the near future as well, but for now I'm just saying. Please just think about that.

While I'm going to make an effort to be more deliberate in how I approach this topic in posts going forward, tonally and in terms of word choice, I do have a right to be just as passionate about it as any other topic, and it is FUCKED UP to think that my personal experiences here should be pointed to as the very REASON I should need to be LESS passionate than I am anywhere else, in order to be heard or listened to. Still. I am not actually trying to override anyone else's viewpoint, present myself as some kind of ultimate authority, or shut down other survivors in any way....I'm just trying to uphold the relevancy and importance of adding my own perspective to the conversation.

I don't want to be the only voice listened to here. But as long as my voice is relevant, and I don't see or hear a lot of other voices speaking from a similar standpoint, I would like to be a RESOURCE on topics of male survivorhood, rape and recovery, from that particular standpoint. And even if and when other male survivors might perchance add their own perspectives with experiences and takes contrary to mine....I welcome that! Because mine is not the only one, cis white male survivors are no more a monolith than anyone else, and none of that will in any way actually invalidate my own perspective or experiences or render them no longer relevant at all.

Being a resource on a topic that has always been everpresent in most fandoms I've gravitated to - which has often been a reason FOR me gravitating to those fandoms in specific.....that has always been my ONLY goal with these kinds of posts. NOT an authority.

So, having my posts - which for all my willingness to write them, has never been easy for me and probably never will - reframed in such a negative way, dismissed and even weaponized against me - has over the years demoralized me and made it harder to find the energy TO tackle these topics, as much as I'd like to. But I do feel that I've found a second wind when it comes to this and think I'm ready to wade back into being Overly Opinionated on these topics as well.

So that's the third of the three post series I'll be starting, "Kalen vs Topics of Rape, Rape Culture and Survivorhood As Perceived Through A Singular Personalized Cis White Male Lens, Presented By (and With) My Middle Finger At Any Attempts to Subvert Or Undermine My Thoughts On Them By Reframing Them As Me Trying To Gatekeep Male Survivorhood No Matter How Many Times I Use The Words IN MY EXPERIENCE or IN MY OPINION, Which I Do A Lot, Because This Has Been Happening For A Very Long Time, And I Am Tired, But Still Very Opinionated, And Still Very Here, So Bite Me I Guess."

.....I'm still workshopping that one's title. Its a process.

ANYWAY. At the moment, I'm aiming to make one post of each once a month, and if I do more than that great, but not trying to pressure myself to do any more than that at the moment in the interests of Realism. We'll play it by ear. If I have more free time or energy than expected, maybe I'll do more. Its not like I have a shortage of Very Opinionated Opinions, after all. You've met me.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So in the interest of not making this long ass post any fucking longer, not that anyone really expected otherwise from my first post back in months, like could I REALLY even claim to ACTUALLY be back if all I had to show for it was some weak little lackluster drabble that wasn't even 3,000 words? Methinks the fuck not -

Well, have an abrupt and anticlimactic finish that comes out of nowhere despite giving myself literally 4,900 words to build to something appropriately profound or meaningful or whatthefuckever. Y'know. Your standard Kalen Classic. The abrupt and anticlimactic wrap up I mean, not the profound and deeply meaningful one. Eh. You get it.

Did ya miss me? I missed you!

PS - I was Informed that we are almost to the end of Tommy T's Tenure, is it almost safe to come back to Nightwing comics? Does anyone know when his last issue is? Have we planned the party yet? Who's on balloons, we definitely need balloons.

[carbuncle-paws]

I'm ok guys! I just burnt out on writing and have been taking a break from it to recover :3 there are some big upcoming changes about to happen in my life that I'm a little stressed about, but it's nothing bad (I'm moving in with my boyfriend/best friend finally after like 6 years of mostly long distance which is incredible, I'm so excited! But also a little terrified of somehow messing things up even though he's proven a million times through both words and actions that he's not the type to up and lose interest over something petty. I just kind of don't like myself and am worried about not being a perfect roommate or partner like I feel he deserves. I'm ranting now. You can tell I was cheated on once can't you lol NOT BY HIM BTW I'd die of shock if he ever did that. But like, can maybe understand why I might have some self esteem issues I'm still trying to get over hahaha Ok I need to stop talking about that now, seriously.)

ANYWAYS as you can tell, I'm doing just fine <3 I've actually been spending some time making stardew valley mods as a side hobby during this time! You'll probably stumble across my mods if you're a fan of big birds ;3 kweh, kweh...

I only ask if you DO find that account and subsequent accounts linked in the bio there, that you please keep the connection between them and carbuncle_paws a secret. Carbuncle_paws is my NSFW account/userhandle, and since my SFW accounts have a lot of minors following (for my art, nothing I post there is even remotely suggestive), I hope you can understand and respect why I would want to shield them from somehow find me drawing/writing/interacting with adult content.

Also I have a few unanswered asks related to the fanfic that I'm holding off on replying to for now, since I want to be in the right writing headspace again to give those the proper responses they deserve, but rest assured that I DID receive and see them!

I think that about covers everything for now! Thank you for reading this guys, I hope you've all been doing well!

[whateverisbeautiful]

Hello, I love your "Ranking Richonne" series and all your writings on your blog. I thoroughly enjoy everything!

Since you write that the sparks where there between Rick and Michonne from the very beginning and the development of their relationship (which you've brilliantly explained) slowly healed their, for lack of a better term, "demons", I would like your take on that "Jessie thing". Richonne seemed like a family and then..BAM!.. Here's Jessie!

I've read PTSD and all that. I get it, but it's still bothers me! There is a good explanation for that I suppose, but the show never really approached it. I read a few fanfics that delved into it which gave me maybe 80% satisfaction.

I'm curious on how you feel about it and what you believe happened to Rick and what got him to that crazy mode. THank you.

Thanks so much 💖 And thank you for this question! You know my extra self had to elaborate on this one. (also I loved reading “here’s jessie!” like “here’s johnny!” 😋)

For me, I’ve always viewed the Jessie situation solely as a device to push Rick to finally confront his past and the lack of closure with Lori.

Everything in Season 5 leading up to tf’s arrival at Alexandria showed that Rick and Michonne were slowly but surely growing more aware that they’d fallen for each other. But then they get to Alexandria and it’s this jarringly ‘normal’ environment and a reminder of the world before - which forces all the characters to need a moment to individually wrestle between who they are now and who they were before. 

And the Rick from before was a man in a marriage that was not the healthiest and who felt guilt that he wasn’t able to be there for Lori like he feels he should have. Like when Rick tells Daryl how Lori always wanted to live in a community like ASZ - so much about Alexandria is a trigger for Rick to finally face the very sore Lori wound of his past and finally “make it right” although not in the best ways since he’s not in the best headspace. Where before he could bury the Lori-pain a bit, ASZ and the similarities between Lori and this woman, Jessie, who needs saving from a toxic marriage of her own, won’t let him run from those ‘demons’ anymore.

As Rick wrestles with who he is now and who he was before, I think part of what sent him into crazy mode is becoming an unhealthy hybrid of both. He’s the man of his past trying to protect a woman to make up for feeling like he couldn’t protect Lori, but he’s also the man he is now who is still in that "terminus train car" mindset and can be real feral if it means protecting people.

(Plus, I think the show wanted to explore a scenario where Rick has the potential to be the “Shane” in the situation by intervening in a marriage and wrestling with if there are parts of Shane he should adopt, only for Rick to ultimately realize he should return to himself.)

Basically, while overall PTSD absolutely plays a huge part in why Rick behaved the way he did during that arc, I think an added and important layer to why that Jessie situation went the way it did is because Rick was triggered by how much ASZ and Jessie reminded him of Lori and the collapse of his past marriage. I notice that in almost every Jessie-related scene, Lori is in some way alluded to, whether it be a shot focusing on Rick’s wedding ring or Lori being brought up directly, etc, just to further make Jessie's purpose in the show clear.

The way I see it, Rick was never actually pursuing Jessie - he was pursuing closure. And as much as I don't like Jessie, no one deserves to just be a surface-level stand-in which is what she was. So that whole dynamic would have just been bad for everyone involved. Also imo the Jessie arc continuing in 6A was where it got more forced because after Richonne’s season 5 arc, it was more than clear that Rick’s heart belonged to Michonne.

Even as he was understandably losing it in 5B and on edge in 6A, anytime Rick was with Michonne and not hiding things from her it was like he was experiencing clarity and one of the few times he could think straight because she’s always been able to center him. And once Rick regained clarity and found a more healthy balance of who he was and who he is, he was fully ready to be with Michonne, the one his heart was always leading him to. 🙌🏽

[fictive-culture]

Fictive culture is writing fanfic using your exomemories and in-sys interactions.

I am having SO much fun mixing and reinterpreting bits and pieces from exomemories and shared fantasies and things that happened just, in headspace and front.

Like my source character (Octavian) is Garbage and my partner (Percy) Hated me but one of our other boyfriends (Dionysus) called him out on Liking me actually and there was a Whole conversation right before I formed about it and I had so much fun turning that conversation about "you're a little obsessed with this character, I think you want to kiss" into the in-world "you're a little obsessed with This Person In Your Math Class and I think you want to kiss, you should do that"

And then there's the progression of just Me as a fictive having Dysphoria and not realising what it was and then figuring out that I am Non-Binary actually and Oh My Gods Trans Joy this is Great.

Originally I was talking about my exomemories dealing with toxic masculinity and internalised homophobia and I wanted to write that story but I'm moreso looking forward to all of the Gender things and the 'I want to kiss you so much but you're short and it makes me feel like a big ugly monster man and I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm sorry' angst UGH I'm having so much fun.

PLUS I get to write about the exomemories of all my partners too aaaaaaaaaaa, Percy trying to force himself to be into Annabeth but he Isn't at All, Luke having A Fuck Ton Of Trauma (that he wanted to write about himself but was worried it was Too Much and Too Weird And Unrealistic but I don't give a Fuck) and the DionySys and the timeline hopping. It's a Mess and it's Kind of Confusing but I don't Care I am just Enjoying Myself and I think I'm doing a Great Job I mean I'm exploring everything Slowly and everything is just, this is great. Everything is great. I love this.

– ✨🕯️ // ⛲

.

[ss-shitstorm]

Hey I am considering writing my own book for a different fandom (gravity falls ) and you are without a doubt my favorite author (I recommended your works to my sgt lol). I have a few questions if you feel like answering if not that’s totally fine too.

First off- how do you prepare a space and headspace to get in the writing mood

Second- do you have any recommended playlist that help

Third- how do you make your characters so personable and yet not copy paste persona

I really enjoy how passionate you are and how much it shows through your work and would like a crumb of knowledge on how to derive from it 🙇‍♀️

My brain is sorta fried but I'm so fucking flattered you'd ask and are gonna do my best to answer this.

This is kinda complicated. I kinda...don't. I just force myself to do it. It's part of my routine like brushing my teeth or exercising. If I need to be in a specific mood for a specific character then I've got moodboards and by moodboards I mean picture folders of the character in question with a bunch of memes/shitposts/aesthetic fodder that reminds me of them. But a huge part of my productivity is to make it routine. That and (if I can help it) writing it as early in the day as possible, and leaving more mundane, less cognition-intensive tasks for later. (looking up "chronotypes" has actually been super helpful for this. Most people's brains have a certain time of day that they work best)

2. I don't really have a specific playlist for writing, but I kinda trained my brain to respond to certain musical genres by *only* playing them while I was studying or writing, so now when that type of music comes on, my brain goes "oh. It's time to learn chemistry/write." if you wanna try this then I suggest using a genre that you're not gonna really be tempted to listen to in different settings. Something pleasant to you that you're sorta ambivalent about.(I personally listen to Keji Haino and drone metal bc the odds of hearing or wanting to hear that shit outside of writing sessions is really low)

3. Ooh. this one's a (super flattering btw!) toughie. My personal technique for this is to write every character as though at some point, I might have to make the protag fall in love with them.(Or if that's not appropriate/possible for whatever reason, then the protag might adopt them/become extremely close found family) This way I learn more about them, take them more seriously, and I fall in love with them a little too. It kinda makes nobody a true side character.

Another thing is giving the preexisting characters(if we're speaking strictly fanfic) multiple new traits and hobbies that don't clash with their canon personality. Take your blorbo. Plop this fucker down in front of you and see how hard you can OC-ify their ass before they're no longer the character you started out with. Basically blingee the evershitting FUCK out of them. Then dial it back. Strip your new OC back down until they start resembling the character you started out with, and stop somewhere around there. That's your blueprint. You don't start OUT with this brand new freshly makeover'd guy, you slowly let your readers get to know them over the course of multiple chapters.

There's a thin line between enhancing their personality/backtory and covering up, and you'll probably cross it multiple times. But if there's one thing I've learned from decades of reading fanfic, it's that risking OOC behavior is kinda necessary to turn a good fic into a *mind-blowingly* good fic.

thank you for asking bro and good luck. I don't know much about GF other than ppl want to fuck the old guys and the flying dorrito but I'm in your corner the whole way. LMK when you write that shit

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

[irritablepoe]

no but ive only read a tell tale heart from the real author but just from that,,,i dont think poe would be very normal abt relationships especially with ranpo......i didnt finish perfume by patrick suskind (got kinda bored not bc it's bad but bc i just found something i like more ) but the secretive and quiet but extreme obsession of the main character reminded me so much of poe??? and i think i read somewhere that the real ranpo chose edogawa rampo as a penname because it sounds so much like edgar allan poe and even rampo's book title is like poe’s right it only added japanese at the beginning before the ‘tales of mystery and imagination’ so it's not rlly far off that their bsd counterparts would totally be paranoid and intense w each other <333

dont be sorry abt loving this ship a lot!! in fact,,,if possible, could u share a lil bit more of ur headcanons abt them hehehheehehhe i dont see them portrayed in this light often (like u said v v rare)

i think telltale heart is a good example of poe's writing tbh, his works often revolve around obsession and delusion but also with grief if you look at "the raven" for example (especially his poems are about grief and death a lot so)

i've not read perfume but i know the general plot i think and yeah it probably fits well

AND YES edogawa rampo chose this pen name partly bc of edgar allan poe, he also references poe's works in his mysteries which is fun!! both of them also partly write horror, especially edogawa rampo's works shook me to the core, it's so well-written but also so disturbing, i wouldn't recommend them just like that bc of body horror and uhh fetish writing ig? but the cases of akechi kogoro are also so fun to read as well and you can actually try and solve the mystery yourself!!

ANYWAYS, this was a lot of praising lol, i just really really love both of their works :D and these works are also part of why i think they're both fucked up in the head lol

my biggest headcanon i'm saving for when my fanfic catches up to what i've already written lol, so i'm not spoilering that (but if you wanna know i can dm you :3)

other headcanons that i've curated during the past months:

poe has some sort of dissociative disorder, he dissociates when he's too overstimulated or sth triggers him, also he possibly struggles with intrusive thoughts

ranpo has autism and npd

poe has a brother in america, his parents died when he was young

he had a drug or alcohol problem after he lost to ranpo - the guild giving him an opportunity to get revenge motivated him enough to mostly recover though

poe has some really dark fantasies and sometimes he lets it slip during crime investigations - ranpo doesn't mind, he's even amused

ranpo also secretly loves it when poe brags

ranpo and poe started stalking each other (maybe even since the beginning) until one of them realised and send a very clear signal that the other couldn't miss and since then they've been flirting via sending secret messages in a language only they know to each other - basically consensual stalking (yes i'm completely normal)(also i haven't decided who realised first but it was probably ranpo - i love the thought of ranpo getting all flustered too tho)

poe didn't only lose to ranpo in that mystery game. he also lost his reputation, his friends, his admirers. there was more going on there, they probably met before the competition and they were intrigued by each other before it all went downhill

when poe isolated himself he only had contact to his brother who desperately tried to get him out of his headspace. but he himself isn't the best at having stable relationships + he's also an alcoholic (inspired by irl poe's brother henry)

they're both incredibly jealous and do anything to keep the others attention on them (ranpo giving candy to poe to get his attention back, poe being pretty dramatic and acting up a lot, also obeying every wish ranpo has)

ranpo must have told poe about fukuzawa and fukuchi for him to be able to write about their past for when they were drawn into his novel - so that means they actually sat together and talked about their past. which is insane to me

i do have another headcanon post but i couldn't find it ahhh, but it has to be buried somewhere in all the ranpoe postings lol

okay that was a lot, thank you if you read all that tho hehe :3 and thank you for asking, i love talking about them hsdkjfsdhjfs

[sessakag]

📥🏅💻🤔 please!

Fanfic Ask Game Answers!

📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

I love getting comments on all my fics but Prey is my favorite, there's so much craziness in that fic that the reactionary comments I get are so hilarious. I love it!

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

I came back a fic I haven't updated in a while. I wasn't in the headspace for it in forever, but now I'm in love with it all over again!

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

Extensively! In fact, that's like 35% of where my times is spent. Researching any topic I'm not familiar with, I actually can't write without doing research first. I'd say the deepest dive I've done is interviewing both a sociopath and psychopath for Prey 🤔really interesting information and really wild conversations.

🤔 What is the hardest part of writing fic?

Trying to make an ordinary sentence or moment sound pretty😩that is the hardest part for me. I love flowery, artistic sentences that @bunny-hoodlum and @dayseternal-blog create but my brain just cannot replicated anything close to that graceful poetic type sentence structure that makes readers not only entrance readers, but the meanings behind them are still so relatable, if that makes any sense. Like they give the vibe of classic poets from way way back in the day, but modernized to fit the modern times.

Those are my answers! I really enjoyed this so thanks a ton for the ask Days!! ❤️!!

[fr-wiwiw]

I have no art to post— actually I do. It's my studies and sketches, sfw & nsfw, things like that. But I haven't been deliberately drawing something. Mainly I've just been focusing on sharpening my art skills to gain commissions as I'm a freelance human artist, in the midst of AI chaos, I'm trying my very best to keep up while not draining myself.

So I just want to give you some updates of my life, idk if this is important or not. I'm still a bit constipatedly (is this even a fucking word lol) awkward with communicating with my followers or advertising myself. Ironic, really, bcs I majored in design & advertisement.

Hi there, my lovelies—I hope you don't mind me calling you all that. I've been trying to do healthy habits and diligently fulfill my needs in 3 aspects. Mentally, spiritually and physically. For the past 7± years, I was not really in a great place mentally. I will not expose it in this post, don't worry it doesn't have anything to do with drugs or whatnot. Just that I've been constantly working and working, controlled by fear and my anxieties and I got depressed I think.

I didn't really understand how to actually 'heal' back then. But now I do now. Starting from January I've been trying to bounce back to have a healthy mindset again— trust me when I say I'm an overthinker & problem solver, it's such a nightmare to live in this body sometimes. Fellow overthinker, problem-solver & feeler type will relate to this perhaps hahah.. I'm a turbulence type too, fucking yay. Luckily, my prayers are answered. I can't write it down one by one here, you would be reading a 10k+ fanfiction and I'm sure you'd rather have me draw or write a real fanfic, smut would be preferable won't it? lol

I have many things change, become my better self (bcs I was, still am obsessed becoming better than my past self and I'm tired of living in such dark headspace). I do feel the changes, it helps that I have better friends, filtered out some that affects me negatively. This journey going into my 30s really is such a roller coaster, I never liked my 20s bcs of all the trauma and pain. But I wouldn't be able to reach this point if it wasn't for it.

So.. I'm grateful. Trying to always be grateful too, no matter how hard my circumstances are. I have faith that I will get what I've always envisioned and dream of

I'm also grateful that in 2022, a friend encouraged me to post my Gahan fanart. Now this may seem like biased and dedicated post for my Gahan moots & followers, in some way yes, I cannot deny that. But mostly this is too all of you, who come here and follow me bcs you like my arts & fanfics, supports me however you can despite having our own hardships that we may or may not share here. Your responses to my creations really feeds me and help me boost my confidence to keep drawing & keep creating, keep hoping. I always read your hashtags here, a lot of you are really such a hilarious individuals. I'm grateful my art can find you or you find my art and take delight in it. Because I do take delight in your reactions. In some ways, I never realized it, but you guys feel like penpals. It still feel one-way communication most of the time, idk if it's because of my awkwardness to respond to such responses. Feeling like, ah this too will pass or just bask in the reactions and sit then do nothing productive. I'm kinda scared I will be satisfied with one post and then not post anymore. You get it.. Yea you can probably tell by now I'm up in my head thinking too much. Posting that first Gahan fanart on twitter really was the best decision. It feels like I gained a special community, that's surprisingly still active and alive till this very day, I'm always waiting for new fics to drop gosh. I get to see tweets & tumblr posts that are deranged, detailed analysis, fan edits, those gifs, aus, fellow artists & authors! I get to know little bits of your daily lives too and what kind of person you are online haha, just so fun.

And then my freelancing journey.. My decision to become a freelancer has always been one of my dreams but boy oh boy isn't it fucking hard to start from 0 and exist in confusion haha. Money doesn't come easy too bcs I help feed my family along with my siblings. I've been swallowing all my jealousy seeing ppl my age can go out and watch concerts (even tho I don't like crowded & noisy places like that). Going on vacation, be in a romantic relationship, marry, so on and so forth. Idk if this is tmi posting my feelings like this out in the world, but it is what it is.

So.. TLDR:

Hi, I'm alive. I haven't post or updated much bcs I've been focusing on my well being. Honing my art skills, trying to get art commissions to put food on my table and simultaneously enjoying life as much as I could wisely. Thankyou to all of you who are still following me and keep supporting me, I will have to say, If you follow me for only Gahan posts, I have to disappoint you bcs I won't always post Gahan bcs I draw other things too. For my enjoyment, yours, others and mostly for me to gain market for commission too. This is norm, I'm sure most of you realized that too. But I still want to address things to you, I like interacting with all of you. I won't be surprised if one day you leave/unfollow, but let me be grateful to you while you're still here supporting me ^^

That's all for my update. I try my best to make this post as short but effective as possible so I don't bore you with my long ass writing, per usual lol. I cannot seem to write in shorts, I have accepted my faith lmao.

I wish you all well, wherever you are. I hope we can all be happy and well in this dark and uncertain place. Don't hesitate to give comments or drop questions here, I'm cooking my skills and art taste so I can give more to you and be satisfied with what I will achieve along with the progress.

See you in the next post!🌟

[littlemisspascal]

How do you find time and/or inspiration to keep up with your writing? I've read plenty of your fanfics and I love them!

I am stuck in this loop of trying to continue my fics, but I keep overthinking it and that silly voice in my head says that none else will read it and like it... Advice on that?

Hello Anon 👋 Thank you so much for reading my fics! That really brightened my whole weekend 💙

You're definitely not alone with your battle to continue writing fics, I know there's hundreds of fellow writers out there, very much including me, that struggle too! And I also know each of us has our own tips and advice for how to keep going, and what works for some doesn't work for others.

For me, these past 2 years in particular have been some of my worst when it comes to writing and resuming wips. And that's 90% because I let my insecurity--that irritating voice in my head--convince me that in a giant fandom of gems and talent, my stuff was somehow worth less compared to everybody else. So you'll see a lot of my stuff has remained frozen and untouched for weeks, months, years. The other 10% is because life got messy too, which also affected my headspace.

To keep a long story short, this year I wanted to be different. I got an app on my phone that I schedule my daily tasks on to keep me better organized and I learned in the process how much I love having structure in my life rather than just...kind of waiting to be in the mood for something. I've started scheduling 10 minutes a day for writing--because once a task is broken down, it doesn't seem so daunting anymore, ya know? And sometimes I find once those 10 minutes have passed, I actually am in a good enough flow to keep going a bit longer. Other times I'm stumped after 10 minutes or have something else to do and so I stop--and I don't get angry with myself or tell myself I should do better/more. That's just unnecessary negativity. Giving yourself credit actually goes a really really long way in boosting your overall confidence + mood I recently learned.

Also I got myself a really really sweet and wonderful support buddy in @beecastle 🐝💗 She's convinced my at least 800 times not to delete my stuff and/or that I'm not the worst writer in existence.

I still struggle a lot, don't get me wrong. And there's fics I may or may not ever finish, Idk the future. But that's okay. At the end of the day, the thing that matters most is you're writing the fic you want to read--and if that voice says no one will read it, well. You can yell back at that negative thought and call it untrue because you're someone 😊