#actually its been more like. switching between wallowing in misery and seething in anger. no in between.
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every time i think im finally moving on i think something or read something that makes me realize that i am, in fact, NOT moved on yet
#and to think that before i took that trip i didnt rly think much of our relationship#like i just thought 'yeah we r probably gonna end up together at some point but i dont have feelings anymore'#i barely took a hit when we broke up. this is hitting me harder than when we broke up. probably bc it didnt feel real ig#ive talked this over so much w my friends and every time i still find a new angle to interpret something from#and it always makes me feel like shit#like if i have to explain it to someone wtf do i even say#'yeah no so we broke up 2 yrs ago and we only rly saw each other twice and we dated for like 7 months#and weve been friends for longer than weve been together (pre and post breakup) but i still have feelings for them#even tho i thought i didnt but it hit me hard when we talked abt stuff and reacted unexpectedly to something they told me#even tho i shouldnt have reacted like that bc WE WERE NOTHING AT THAT POINT even though when we last saw each other#we basically acted like a couple??? like we just went right back to how we acted the few times we've seen each other#(which might have something to do w it btw) and idk man the way /i/ acted was completely different from other times#and the way THEY acted was. well. it was how they usually acted w me before BUT w [redacted thing] happening#(which i learned afterwards) thinking abt it now IS WEIRD. and now idk what to do or how to stop thinking abt the whole situation'#like. how do i say all this to someone. without sounding crazy or like im losing my mind#anyways guys im fine soooooooo fine. so so so fine. not like i need to talk to someone about it and wallow in my misery again#not like ive been wallowing in misery for the past like. 3 weeks#actually its been more like. switching between wallowing in misery and seething in anger. no in between.#and also blaming everything on myself. for being in a bad mental spot when we broke up (which was the reason we broke up)#for acting like i did. for being like this w my feelings. for EVERYTHING#z xarre
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