#acting as a marionette as people expect me to. revving my mental engines like 'yes i am absolutely going to work on a creative project
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It's been a month and a half and I'm still not even over Cassy yet, idk how I'm supposed to live with my uncle being dead too
#speculation nation#negative/#i have been. yeah. but it barely feels like living.#acting as a marionette as people expect me to. revving my mental engines like 'yes i am absolutely going to work on a creative project#just watch me go i am Going to work on a creative project'#but then i try and it's just lacking in soul because it almost feels like i dont have one right now.#because my uncle is dead and my life is normal and i dont even have a loud grey baby to yell at me until i feed him#because theyre dead. theyre both fucking dead.#sometimes i wish it was possible to pick and choose who fate goes for next. there are people in my life that i just would not mind dying.#people who only bring difficulty to me. why cant They have died instead?#but no. it's my precious little loverboy and my fun loving & kind uncle#i hugged him goodbye and told him i love him and the next day he was dead. just like that. and i was in fucking colorado.#im at the end of my fucking rope y'all and i need to clean my apartment and set up a psychiatry appointment and call my landlord#and through it all i have to work and work and work and work#and im trying to bring some semblance of normalcy to myself by pointing myself at creative projects#but i cant commit to one bc im feeling it im feeling it im feeling it and then im not#click click click click goes the revolver of ideas on and on and on and it wont settle i think it settles and then it's moving on#and i pretend it's okay i smile i pretend it's okay i laugh i pretend it's okay but im living with a permanent crack in my brain#on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on (and on)#at least i have video games. im probably just going to play more fire emblem when i get home.#sorry for getting a bit to venting in here but im still sitting in the bathroom after clocking out 45 minutes ago#and i feel like my entire sense of being is being squeezed by the giant hand of god. oh how cruel.#animal death ment/#no im not over cassy dying yet. he wasnt even 2 years old yet. he was way too fucking young to die so suddenly.#my uncle was too young too. my dad is 2 years older than him & he's in general good health still#but cancer doesnt descriminate. it would take us all if it could.
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