#accidentally wrote this with no gender indicators so pick your favorite flavor

[bigasswritingmagnet]

A Monologue, of Sorts

Fandom: Dragon Age Summary: A good return-from-the-dead plot twist reveal requires a little rehearsal. Monologues of painful emotional honesty are much easier to give when there's no one else to hear you.

AO3 Link

'Surprise! I'm not dead!' 

No, that's bad. That's not even funny. 

'Guess what!' 

Maker , that's even worse. Hm. 

'Hello!' 

No. 

'Greetings!' 

Ugh . 

'Knock knock, who's there, me, I'm alive!' That’s stupid, this is stupid . This is worse than being in the Fade. At least in the Fade I didn’t need to worry about the best way to greet the demons before I bashed them over the head.

Now I'm talking to myself. No one else to talk to, I suppose. Just trees and rocks. Hardly pleasant company. Maybe I’m just going mad. Maybe I’ve already gone mad, and I’m actually still in the–

No. No, I’m here. I know I’m here. I can tell the difference. I can.

I’m here. 

…I need to sit. 

Ow. Bloody tree roots everywhere, can never find a decent place to rest. I'm starting to understand why Varric hates the outdoors so much. At least when he's here I have someone to complain to. Although that stump does sort of look like Varric. If he was a stump. 

Hello, Varric, so nice of you to drop by! It's simply been ages, how delightful to see you. You're looking very...mossy. In a good way, of course. The mushrooms really bring out your eyes. 

No, I didn't beat the Nightmare. Didn't you see the size of that thing? It was a mountain-sized spider! I'm not going to fight that! I just ran away. You remember how good I am at that. I was less good at hiding, but eventually I managed to get to a part of the Fade where it couldn’t reach me. Then I just wandered around til I found a Fade rift and popped back through to the real world. 

Popped isn’t the best word. It was more ‘hurled myself bodily through it while three pride demons tried to grab me and tear me in half’. 

Yes, I'm glad I’m out, too. Let's see...Then I decided to take a vacation, a little time for myself. I found a very nice cave - I say cave, more of a crevice, really - and hid in there for a few days. It was quite cozy. I meant to invite you, but between the fits and vomiting black sludge everywhere, I simply wasn't in any state to entertain. 

There's no need to worry! I'm in tip-top shape now. Better than ever. Once I could walk in a straight line again and was reasonably sure I wasn’t going to die, I started to make my way to Skyhold. It's been rather slow going, unfortunately. I have to stay off the roads–far too many bandits. It would be so obnoxiously tragic to survive the Deep Roads and the qunari and Meredith and the Fade, only to get taken out by some common thug. I refuse to die such a cliche death. 

Yes, I thought you would appreciate that.

Why am I sitting in a clearing in the middle of a forest? Ah. Well. It occurred to me that I should probably think of how to properly reveal that I'm still alive. One really only gets one chance at this sort of thing, so it has to be done just right. I mean, it is possible I'll be assumed dead again at some point, but after the first time, it rather loses its narrative impact. 

I could be casual, walk into Skyhold and ask what's for lunch. Or I could wait for a storm to roll in, wear a big cloak and then throw back the hood just as the lightning crashes. Maybe even make a little mist to swirl around me as I do it. 

Over the top? Don't be ridiculous, Varric. Where's your sense of drama? 

...Yes, I suppose a heroic sacrifice is enough drama for one lifetime. Or even two. That's the real reason I'm here, I suppose. A truly great performance requires that one knows one's audience, and I'm really not sure what sort of reception I should expect. Tears of joy and a great big cake would be ideal, but things are so rarely ideal these days. Far more likely everyone will be annoyed with me for causing so much unnecessary distress. Even you. 

Maybe even especially you. 

Do you remember, once, when I said I'd never leave you? 'Where would I be without my trusty dwarf.' But I did, didn't I? I left Kirkwall. I let them drag you off to Haven. Now this . All I ever wanted to do was keep you safe, but even when I'm not there I'm getting you into trouble. You're probably sick to death of it all. And now I've gone and... 

I know. You're furious. You don't even want me to come back. You absolutely hate me. You despise me, you wish I really was dead. 

Of course I remember! But all those little speeches – yes, speeches , you talk too much – were ages ago. A lot can change in four years. Four years of your whole world coming crashing down around your ears, and every bit of it my fault. 

What do you know? You’re not even real! You’re a tree stump, and I’m talking to myself like an absolute loon because I don’t want to have to hear the real you tell me how much he hates me!

Oh. 

Hello, Varric. Funny meeting you here.  

It's very rude to listen in on other people's conversations, you know. At the very least you could have made some noise. Although I suppose it saves me the trouble of having to repeat myself.    

No, don't you dare start crying, because if you–if you start then, then I'll– Tethras, you absolute bastard –

.

.

.

It’ll dry off eventually. It’s just a shirt, Hawke, there’s more important things. 

It is so in character for me; you’ve just never seen me in this type of scenario before. Besides, I already ruined your dramatic reveal, I’m not going to make it worse by getting mad at you over a wet shirt. …Or anything else, for that matter. 

But I’m not. And I sure as hell don’t hate you. 

Oh no you don’t. The role of guilt-stricken former comic relief has already been filled by yours truly, and there’s not enough blame for the both of us. 

What have you got to be guilty about? 

I know you did; this is me turning your question back on you. You’re supposed to be struck by the realization that you are not, in fact, at fault for every terrible thing that happens in the– Oh. 

Yeah, alright, you’re very clever. You don’t have to look so smug about it. 

You realize you can only be victorious if you also acknowledge you’re not at fault for everything. 

I only make it look easy. Listen, if we’re going to debate fault and the morality of cause and effect, I’d rather do it indoors with alcohol available, not sitting around in the dirt. There’s plenty of taverns between here and Skyhold. 

Sure we can. I’ll even let you win a few hands.

Nugs? No, they do not serve nugs in Skyhold. Alright, that’s it, we need to get you to civilization before you go any crazier. 

Lightning fried– Maker help us, it might already be too late.