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[ramblingrockerblog]

Its been eight months since my last blog! Isn't it crazy how quick time can fly! I was thinking this eve as I logged back in, when you were a kid what made story time better? What was the best thing about it?... Pictures...Hopefully Ill have a new entry very soon and lots to tell you with regards to my musical journey! But for the time being I thought Id upload some pictures. These are just a select few, lots of memories attached to these! They all relate to at least one of my previous entries. What's the saying? ...‘A Picture Paints A Thousand words’.

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘Full Circle’

So with regards to music I was back at square one. Once again full of insecurities and lacking a band, stuck in rut. In a previous entry I spoke about the expression ‘Right Place Right Time’ and its significance to my musical journey. Yea sure I was lacking the confidence, not a member of any band and not playing any live shows but where I would eventually end up, and who I would eventually end up working with... well... you could say me and my musical journey would come full circle...

In the months that would follow once Id left ‘There And Back’ and my project with the potential new guitarist had fallen through, I had lined myself up several auditions for new bands. Sounds great right, what better way to get back out there in all my frontman glory!... Ill never no... I pulled out of all the auditions. Why?... It was the numbing fear and the returning insecurities of not being good enough. Very foolish I no but I guess with anxiety its not something I can just switch off... I couldn't help it! These were all great opportunities. I remember one audition in particular... I had actually managed to get out the front door this time, I was driving myself to the rehearsal space where I was to meet the rest of this band... Whilst driving, my mind kicked into overdrive, and before I knew it I was having some sort of panic attack. That was not a good day at all. Turning the car around I reluctantly came home. I remember emailing the band telling them why I never showed up, they were understanding but still, its something I never like to do, let other people down, not just in musical ventures but in all aspects of my life.

After that I had decided enough was enough, I needed to take a step back and evaluate everything and the amount of pressure I was putting on myself. On reflection I really think I (once again) was my own worse enemy and I was stressing myself out by being so hard and critical on myself. Truth be told... I switched off from all things music and dove straight into my job, working all hours I could. Great for a time being but with anything that you have a passion for it wouldn't be long until I was brought back in by the lure of creativity and music. I once again played it by ear, listened out for what bands were potentially in the market for a singer, I checked the local musicians wanted websites etc. All the usual ways that this time proved unsuccessful, I decided to bite the bullet and get in touch with someone that had always believed in me from the start, who had persuaded me to take the next step with my writings who I had developed a strong song writing connection with all those years ago...

‘D’ was more than happy to meet up for a jam session. A few years had passed since me and ‘D’ first started our little music project (He had always been supportive and had a presence whilst I was a member of There And Back). I was feeling all sorts of emotions on my way to our first jam session in what must have been the first in about 2 years. Apprehension, but mostly excitement. I wasn't to be disappointed. Jamming out songs that we wrote back in 2011/2012 we nailed them. Only this time I could really see how far Id came since I started my musical journey, singing more confidently and with a better understanding of what I was doing, we upped the jamming sessions and eventually I brought new lyrics to the table only this time I had lyrics and melody's as opposed to me putting my words to ‘Ds’ music. For the first time in years it just felt right, and like a proper creative partnership, and something that Id always felt I was missing. Axl Rose has Slash, Steven Tyler has Joe Perry, Jon Bon Jovi has Richie Sambora. The creative partnership is so important., and with ‘D’ there's respect for each others work and a understanding of each others abilities.

Working with ‘D’ again has been awesome and what creating music should always be... its been fun. Its funny how life plays out, I'm all for moving forward and pushing on, however in this instance I've had to go backwards to go forwards...A life lesson in itself, right there... With mine and ‘Ds’ reignited creative partnership and a strong desire this time to actually take the project out to a live audience it was time to push on with finding a full band. Id gone full circle and was feeling more determined than ever.

K.

[ramblingrockerblog]

... ‘And Back To Square One’

‘There And Back’ played there last gig on May the 21st 2016. That date is etched into my memory for many reasons. First and foremost it was a killer gig and was everything me and the There And Back boys had worked towards. Secondly I remember it so well because it was the last time I played a gig... That's right, its coming up to a whole year since I sang for an audience, got up on stage, became the frontman... performed. Far to long right? I think so to, as I type this I actually realize how bad it is!... Not even a shite rendition of ‘Livin On A Prayer’ on karaoke!... We are nearly caught up with regards to present day and these blogs... are you still with me?... lets go!...

So what have I been up to since taking the decision to leave 'There And Back'? Its been a mixed few months. I'm still in the same job with the same employer and still driving the same little motor. There's been big changes with regards to my living arrangements, at the grand old age of 27 I decided to move back home for a bit. I guess I'm at that age now where I need to think about maybe buying a property?... or at least getting a fair amount of savings behind me. Luckily my mum and step dad have been very accommodating and agreed to have me back for a bit and its been a big help financially. That's not to say that it isn't strange or that it hasn't taken some getting used to! I haven't lived at home since I was 18!... I digress its working, I'm saving and I'm grateful for them having me back. Now... this is a rambling blog about music so we will move on from all things domestic and I’ll fill you in about what's been happening musically these last few months.

Its been a mixed bag. To deal with the sadness I was feeling from the end of There And Back I did the only thing I knew how to do... I wrote... I dove right in. This time with a better understanding of the concept of melody and how I wanted my lyrics... my music to sound. It was a pretty intense, special three months worth of writing I got some decent lyrics and ideas out of those sessions. Just like old times, staying up until the early hours writing away. I always have this horrible thought at the back of my mind that I will never be able to write again, or at least write anything worthy. I’ve learnt that I’ll write when I want to... when I need to... when the emotions are there. I'll admit when I first started all those years ago it was a lot easier! I guess as I've grown I've become more aware of what's good and what's not...maybe I've just become far more critical... or just maybe its harder now I'm a lot happier?

So armed with a new batch of lyrics and the drive to keep pushing myself forward it was back to the drawing board with regards to finding myself a new song writing partner/guitarist. At this point working with ‘D’ wasn't an option I honestly believed that are collaborating was over. I had a lot of response from my ad that I posted on the local ‘Musicians Wanted’ website. After liaising with the many responses, I decided on a young lad who was a amazing guitar player. Influenced by all the great blues players and with a swagger of rock and roll to his playing, I believed we were on to a winner. We met several times and he put music to my recent writings. We got on so well in fact that I invited the drummer of There And Back to the local rehearsal studio one weekday morning to possibly start up a new project. I would find out that my hopes of taking the project forward would unfortunately stall and not go any further then a few writing sessions. You win some and lose some I guess... On reflection I guess I wasn't really in the mind set to commit to anything new I was preparing to move back home and the young lad who I had decided on was having a pretty shitty time himself. Me and the guitarist are still on good terms and I wouldn't rule out working with him in the future and I really wish him well.

That said...honestly that failed project really hit me hard. I think not having the support and potential members jump on board with me knocked me sideways... like a kick in the nuts and punch in the stomach my anxiety, lack of self confidence and all manor of doubt returned once more to hamper any progress I could potentially make... Back to square one.

K. 

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘There And Back’...

I've come to appreciate in my 27 years on this really strange planet that life is all about ups, downs, good times and bad but that its important to keep learning and improving to progress forward. That's never more true than for someone involved or wants to be involved within the creative industry. You take your skills and experiences and learn from them. My time with the ‘There And Back’ boys was no exception, granted while we were not together as a band long (just over a year I think) I learnt plenty about myself and working with others. I learnt a lot about what to do and in equal measure a lot about what not to do.

Its hard for me to put my time with ‘There And Back’ into words, Ill try to be (like I always am with these blogs) as honest as I can. Like any newly formed young band we were full of optimism, creativity and firing on all cylinders. Weekly rehearsals were a blast and we soon had a set list together that for the time being was made up of a variety of rock and metal covers. We didn't wait around before we started playing live in front of an audience. Our live shows were electric! we would play with such an energy and intensity that it felt like every show was our last and that it could go off at any minute... and it usually did. Our supportive network was incredible with regards to the boys families. Driving them to rehearsals every week, being there in full force and at every gig we played. I came to appreciate that for me it wasn't just me and the boys from ‘ There And Back’... we were one big family, and thinking about it now Ill never be able to repay the boys families for everything they did and I'm very grateful for all the support and encouragement they gave to me and There And Back.

While our live shows would be met with overwhelming positive feedback on reflection I believe we went out to early, we rehearsed hard and everything was tight but I guess you rehearse... and then you rehearse some more. From this I learnt not to go out until your 100% ready. With any future projects Ill hang back more, jam more stuff out, get the feel for songs, before taking them to a live audience. As mentioned our set at the time consisted of covers, which is great for a certain amount of time but I was itching to begin writing some of our own stuff because covers after a while can become very stale. I should also state that at this point I had become so busy with ‘There And Back’ that working with ‘D’ had come to an end, he was and still continues to be very supportive (we would eventually once again start up our project, more on that later). My time at my vocal lessons had also came to an end, Id learnt a lot, but in the time that has followed I feel that its all about learning myself. Learning to hear (and love) my own voice is one of the hardest things I’ve EVER had to do (I'm still working on it now) from learning to listening to myself therefore means I no what I have to work on to improve and get better... That said, hand me a recording or a video of me singing I can guarantee I’ll HATE it.

‘There And Back’ was made up of ‘products’ of ‘Access To Music’ me and the bassist were now ex students while the drummer and 2 guitarists were still enrolled at the college. This was an advantage as it meant I managed to secure us one of the access rehearsal rooms at a discounted rate, during one of the half terms. The idea being we could use the room as a group to finally get stuck into some original material and really make some progress with original compositions... it didn't exactly go to plan... that's putting it lightly... it was a total disaster. It was in this session that I would come to realise that me and band members unfortunately had polar opposite views on how our originals should sound and what type of band we were to be, It was after this session I decided that there was no long term future for me in 'There And Back'. That said I still had commitments with regards to live shows that were scheduled and I was of course prepared to honour them. In the lead up to these shows we did manage to write and compose 3 original songs that would be included in our set. One of the live shows that was scheduled was a support gig that ‘ M’ had managed to secure.

This support slot was to be the biggest and most important gig we would play, it was for a very well known local band. Once again on The Brickmakers stage, we played a killer set and a killer show. The crowd were amazing and the feedback from the band we were supporting was incredibly humbling. That support slot was something as a band we had always aimed for... and we achieved and conquered it. It was from this that I had decided to go out on a high from the band and announce a few weeks later that I was leaving. There was talk of more shows being lined up but with the impending departure of band members to uni’s across the country in a few months time I thought it was the best time to go. It was hard for some band members to deal with me walking away although I hope there is no bad blood there now. In the months that would follow the band would eventually dissolve, it remains to be seen if we will ever play together again, I wouldn't be completely against the idea but its now been so long and most members are now busy with other projects that I cant see it happening... its also taken me a long time to pick myself up and regain that confidence to go out and give it another shot. Regardless I have fond memories of the band and what we achieved in such a short amount of time and I'm all for nostalgia. I have printed out set lists from our shows, DVDs of our performances and there's something exciting about seeing your bands name in the ‘ gig listings’ of your local music magazine.

It was time to move on and apply myself to a new project, ‘keep learning, improving and pushing on’.

K.

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘Right Place, Right Time’

‘You make your own luck’... funny expression right?... I've become a strong believer in that saying, its proven to be true on more than one occasion with regards to my musical journey. The end of year party and mine and ‘Touch Of Blacks’ subsequent performance would pave the way for another familiar expression that, until that evening held no true meaning for me...

                                              ‘Right place, right time’

It went off!... The performance at the end of year party was the perfect end to my time at Access To Music. While personally I felt my own performance wasn't as great as my St Patricks day performance at The Brickmakers I couldn't have been any prouder of the band, or myself and how far we and I had come in such a short amount of time. The whole evening was one big celebration, our year group won ‘Class Of The Year’ and the certificates for those who had achieved ‘Distinctions’ where handed out... mine still takes pride of place in my room... all that topped with once again a few to many Guinness's made for a pretty memorable night.

I think deep down I knew I wouldn't return to Access. It would have been wrong of me to return and commit this time to 2 years full time study. I had achieved everything and gotten out of the course everything I wanted, to return and fail or return and not be committed 100% felt wrong, I was not prepared to tarnish all the hard work and memories. I had done it, set out to achieve something and done just that... In the process I came away with many achievements, memories and friends for life. So what next... the plan was to take my new found confidence and skills and hit the ground running with regards to finding a band, writing and of course playing live.

In many instances that's easier said than done, the end of year party and the performance, once again that night got positive feedback from my fellow students and some students I had never met before. One in particular... lets call him ‘M’, we chatted, exchanged friendly banter and we both left each other to his pint... or in my case, crazy dancing. It wouldn't be until a few weeks later when searching through the many ‘Musicians Wanted’ pages on the net, that I came across a add that must have spoken and appealed to me. It was enough for me to message the advertiser and set up a meeting with him and 3 other musicians. This advertiser and his 3 other band mates were looking for a singer, the time had come and I took myself off to the local rehearsing studio. I turn up and can you guess who was there waiting for me?...

Yep... ‘ M’ coincidence?... maybe... coincidence that as I type this 'Paradise City by ‘Guns and Roses’ is playing... that would be the first song me and the boys would jam two. We hit it off, there and in the rehearsals that would follow over the summer. We were a band member down in the form of a bassist so I got in contact with the bassist from ‘Touch Of Black’ and asked him to come along to a rehearsal and see if he liked what he heard... he did and he joined. I was beyond excited. I was a member of a band and I was ready for the next chapter of my musical journey. It would transpire that 'M' in the crowd that night saw my performance at the arts centre and wanted to ask me there and then to join the up and coming project he was putting together. It would be a coincidence that I would reply to his add. Coincidence?... Fate maybe?... or ‘right place right time' I guess...

We were set, after discovering a mutal love for ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and 'The Hobbit' within the band we settled on our name and ‘ There And Back’ were born.

K.

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘Sweaty Palms, Distinctions, Guinness And Cocktails’

Literally the stage was set, a make shift stage in the Access To Music live room. It was the week before the Christmas holidays, ‘Enrichment Week’ is what they call it, a week of all the fun stuff if you like, for those that have completed all due assignments etc. The biggest treat was the Christmas showcase from the groups from levels 2 and 3. A 20-25 minute set consisting of covers/originals to be preformed in front of your peers and anyone else you wanted to invite along. As I sat there constantly wiping my sweaty palms on my trousers and feeling like I was gonna throw up it wasn't how I imagined Id feel on my ‘stage debut’ never the less your only here once... right...

I cant remember what songs our set consisted of, I know that they were all covers. The band played well, few sound issues, but tight and the general feedback was positive. I on the other hand had mixed feelings, I felt a immense sense of pride that Id finally ‘done it’ although something was missing, I felt that I could have/should have given more. Criticism is something all musicians have to deal with, and buy all means I can take it. The trouble is I'm my own worst critic, a pessimist who when it comes to his music is far to hard on himself. They say if you don't believe in your art then no one else will. Self Belief is key to creativity... However I still struggle with it every time I take the stage, write lyrics etc.

Regardless I moved on from the performance and looked forward. By this time it was new year 2015, the course moved on and the amount of assignments started to pick up. Being highly organised meant I managed to cope with the pressures of the assignments with ease, the next live performance would take place in March, and it would fall on St Patricks day... which if your British is a great day to drink countless amounts of Guinness and not feel bad about it. We (the college band) rehearsed hard, this gig, again to include all groups was at a local music venue with a bigger stage, lights, sound desk the works.

This time (and I couldn't work out why) we were second to the headliner, the venue ‘The Brickmakers’ is a very special place to me. The time had come, our band was up. I took the stage (again I cant be clear on our set) in that 25-30 minutes I became the person I was meant to be, I took everything from the disastrous first performance and turned it on its head. I jumped all over the place like a mad man, I sold the material, I worked the crowd and gave and took all in equal measure. I became the frontman, the performer... And I loved that guy... as I type this I'm reminded of how I felt that night and how much I miss it now. Our set was done and a nice cold Guinness was well and truly deserved... yep Id performed that entire set without a single drop of alcohol (and contrary to my fellow students belief, nothing illegal in my system). Feedback from the set and my performance was overwhelmingly positive, I think people believed it was out of character... I agree... I didn't no I had it in me... I will never forget St Patricks day 2015.

The next day and nursing a fuzzy head (there was much Guinness consumed and reason to celebrate the prior evening) I walked into Access To Music feeling rather proud of myself and dare I say it... happy... for the first time... well ever. It was strange that day... maybe it was the hangover, but the praise from my fellow students and tutors about the performance became the talk of the corridors. Regardless when the time came to review the performance (live college shows were always recorded and reviewed a few days later) I wouldn't watch it, I know the importance of reviewing with regards to improving, but its something to this day I hate doing, I hate watching/listening to myself... I sat in the corridor with my headphones in whilst the rest of the class watched it back.

The last few months at access once again passed by in quick succession. Before I knew it the final deadline for all work was fast approaching and the end of year party was in the early stages of development. Before all that I took a trip with one of my fellow students, ‘A’ and his family to Spain. A is a top lad that has had to deal with a lot in his life. I don't no why we bonded so much and became such good friends I think its because we are so similar, even now I consider him to be a very good friend, he has one hell of a voice and I know he’ll make it in some way he works hard and never stops pushing for what he wants. We would often joke that if I had his voice or he had my stage presence we would be sitting on a fortune.

10 days in Spain was just what I think we both needed after a pretty non stop year, with regards to assignments and deadlines. Staying ahead of the game and submitting everything on time would pay off because ‘C’ let us go to Spain during the weeks leading up to deadline. Racking up a bill of 200 euros on cocktails, cliff diving and an unfortunate vomit incident with me drinking to much cider made for a pretty memorable trip. On returning to access and with only a few weeks left before the end of term, and the end of the studying year I got my final grades... Distinctions all round, in every piece of work I submitted and distinction grade overall. I was immensely proud of what I had achieved, I believe at a college like Access To Music you really do get out, what you put in... I guess that's also a life lesson if you work hard on something you will reap the rewards.

Little did I know there was one more reward to come, the end of year party and its line up was announced. ‘Touch Of Black’ and yours truly were the only level 2 band added to the line up. The event was to be held at the Iconic ‘Arts Centre’ a venue that has hosted gigs by ‘Nirvana’ ‘Oasis’ and ‘Muse to name a few. Once again cue sweaty palms and the overwhelming sense of nausea, this time it had nothing to do with cider or 200 euros worth of cocktails. The gig and the performance would prove to be the most significant. Contributing factors and people in the audience would set me up for the next year of my life and musical journey.

K.

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘Awkward Silences’

       ‘Working double to pay the rent, my social life, packed up and went’.

        Staring at the screen, fours hours gone, spots of blue and green, 

I'm feeling down, I'm feeling rough, two weeks down two weeks tough’

The above is taken from some lyrics I wrote during my first two weeks at Access To Music. Reads a bit bleak right?... Yea I suppose it does... I guess that's what I was feeling at the time, but don't be discouraged! my time at access was nothing short of amazing and the best decision to attend was the best I ever made! 

‘Awkward silences’ all had them right? First day at access was no different, all of us, about 40 ushered together in the common room, thrust into the unknown. Luckily being the ‘oldest’ student there at the grand old age of 24 I felt some what smug... confident maybe? Id been in a lot more awkward silences/situations... comes with the territory when your a socially awkward person. It was also at this point that I was also feeling beyond excited! It was the first day and I couldn't wait to get stuck into and start the course. First order of business was to be sorted into our class groups for the year ahead, all went smoothly, of course you naturally attach yourself to a small group for the first few days or so, I found some common ground with some lads, a guitarist and drummer we had such a laugh I think it must be a common trait in musicians, a good sense of humour.

Timetables where dished out, tutors/course managers were introduced (Id met two of mine at interview phase) and all the heath and safety/fire stuff was gone through and the rest of the first week was generally about familiarizing yourself and adapting to the new surroundings... its funny... Access To Music is more of a ‘centre’ than a actual college, yet in that first week you would have thought I was trying to navigate my way around spaghetti junction! Week 2 is when I really started to get stuck in, lessons included ‘Music Business Skills’ ‘Music Theory’ (which was an eye opener) and ‘Keyboard And DAW’ (which is basically using a PC to create music).

In all of these subjects I would find certain modules challenging especially in Keyboard And DAW... remember... I was still using a desktop in 2014, I'm only now writing a blog etc... kinda gives you an idea how challenged I am with regards to technology. That said I pulled through all my lessons and scored high on all my assignments that where set. The tutors at access were also incredibly supportive and always willing to help, its true... if you want help all you have to do is ask for it... you would be surprized, even at 24 I still had trouble with that concept. Of course no music college course would be complete without actual practical lessons.

It was in these lessons, with my college band ‘Touch Of Black’... I know right? (on reflection that shits terrifying!) that I learnt a lot... the ability to work with other musicians is itself challenging at times, especially if you don't always see eye to eye or you just have different ideas. I also found it difficult being considerably older than the rest of the college band. Dealing with often moody hormonal teenagers was not my idea of fun nor was it what I had signed up for. That said I was that age once, I get it, and on reflection everything we achieved in that short year and how hard we all worked meant that all the positive out weighed the negative. Being the older one meant I also picked up on a few things, you could really tell who was at access because they genuinely wanted to be and who was there because... well they didn't want to be.

It was funny, less than ten years ago it was me in their position, Id left high school not really knowing what I was doing or where I was going. I like to think that my younger peers didn't see me any different, sure I was older, but I'm always up for a laugh!... sense of humour remember! Regardless, I must have struck a chord (no pun intended) because I was elected ‘Learner Representative’. My group had all ready made their minds up, I hadn't actually put my name forward but they'd decided that it was to be me... so you don't argue with rowdy teenagers I guess.

The first few months at access flew bye, before I knew it Christmas 2014 was approaching. Me and the college band had been rehearsing hard for our first live performance in front of a crowd and my first live performance... ever

K.

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘Hi, I'm Getting On A Bit’

My 'lightbulb moment' had been along time coming. There in those 7 minutes and 23 seconds of 'Since Ive Been Loving You' by Led Zeppelin I knew what path I wanted to take. I should state that the aim of these blogs (something which I've never done before) is above all to inspire. By sharing my own story I hope you find the encouragement to go for that job, chase that dream, take that plunge in life and go for what you want. If not anything else these blogs also help me. As mentioned in the previous post I'm always writing, its a great coping mechanism for my anxiety, to do lists, song lyrics, and now apparently blogs. who knows maybe someday my kids/my family will gain some inspiration from my ramblings... they even may come in handy for my memoirs when I'm the worlds biggest rock star... right?

So what did I do next? I was all ready working on music with ‘D’ but I wanted more. Returning to education was something Id always wanted to do, after the great carpentry fiasco of 2008. Returning to education meant I had two options, once again my city college or the music specialist college 'Access To Music’. After researching them both it was a no brainer to go for Access To Music. At the current time my city college didn't offer a credible music course, this in the years that have followed has changed and just reflects the love, demand, and passion for music in my local city. So Id made my decision completed the relevant paperwork and finally got my interview date for the course through the post.

It all happened fairly quickly to be honest (although some of my dates might be sketchy) I believe my interview was February 2014. I remember walking in not really knowing what to expect, what was I gonna say? 'Hi I'm getting on a bit and I have no prior musical knowledge or concept of music theory but can I please have a place on your course?' Music Performance in particular 'vocals' I'm a singer/frontman (more on why later) is what I had applied for... thinking back now I was very naïve... or no sod it... I was very brave! I don't (as much as I want to, play any instrument, nor had I had any sort of vocal training)... I went in with nothing but a dream, determination, passion and my trusted book of lyrics. The interviewer (who in turn would turn out to be one of my awesome tutors) read through the book and got me to 'preform' one of my original compositions 'Out Of The Blue' luckily this was one of the earliest compositions that me and D had worked on so I felt rather confident.

He then introduced to the vocal tutor (and my eventual course manager, all round legend and my music guru) 'C'. I once again preformed my original composition (acapella, I hadn't even got D to pre record his guitar so I had a backing track) and then C wanted to no who my favourite singer was, I named a few.. Myles Kennedy of Alterbridge... Steven Tyler of Aerosmith... Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin and finally Jon Bon Jovi (more on him and his band later) can you guess what I had to 'sing' next?...

Yep ‘Livin On A Prayer’ and ‘Blaze Of Glory’. I thought C was mad! no one should sing Livin On A Prayer least all at a college audition! although something must have struck a chord (because certainly nothing was in key) I was told I had 'great pitch and breath control'. On reflection I honestly don't no if the college saw potential in me, whether they were impressed with my passion or if it had something to do with the fact that I funded the course myself. Regardless I got accepted onto the course and a place was mine if I wanted it! happy days!... cue insecurity, anxiety and general feelings of 'your not good enough'.

That was February 2014, the course didn't start until September 2014. Over the coming months I was ecstatic that Id finally taken that step by applying and being offered a place on the course and doing something I really wanted to do. I think I always knew I was going to except the place on the course, I even took myself to singing lessons every week in the lead up to September. You got to understand I came into this game very late! I had a lot (and still do) to learn. 'Come Together' by the Beatles was the first song I ever worked on and I still have the recording of that and all the others somewhere. Lessons with my vocal coach at the time where very valuable however I would eventually leave (more on that later). As well as feelings of elation and being dead chuffed with myself I also constantly questioned if I was doing the right thing I was 24, in a full time job had rent, utilities and all other manner of things to pay for taking the course was a big gamble, especially financially!

Fortunately I have some amazing family like my sister in law and good friends who were very, (and still are) supportive and encouraging! in fact I don't think I ever would have taken that first step if it wasn't for one person in particular... 'O' he's the most positive person I know, and a all round top lad! we have known each other since high school when he moved to my home town as the 'new kid', some people you just click with... over 15 years later he's still the person I have the biggest laughs with and will always go to when I'm seeking advice here's to you O .. no amount of blogging or words will ever be able to say how grateful I am for everything you have done... thank you dude!

I was very lucky with my then, and still current employer to have an amazing work relationship with my managers. Although reluctant at first to be losing me full time my manager agreed to me reducing my hours and employing me from full to part time. I'm forever grateful to my employer to agreeing to the switch and letting me return to education I no they didn't have to! I guess most people in my position wouldn't have been so lucky and would have been shown the door! That said everything was set in motion, I still had a job which meant I still had the funds available to me to live independently. I was growing in confidence and I had finally accepted my place on the course, the months rolled by and then the first week of September arrived... First day

K.    

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘The Lightbulb Effect’

‘Lightbulb Effect' You know the one? when you get an idea or come to a realization and suddenly everything in your life makes sense? I still remember my 'Lightbulb' moment, I was 24 and was having one of my... lets call them 'Rough Weeks'. Since leaving high school (now over 10 years ago wow!) I never knew what I wanted to do, some kids grow up wanting to be Doctors, others join the forces or maybe others flitter around for years between jobs, or in my case college courses, lets go back a bit shall we...

When I was 17 I took a carpentry and joinery course, I did really well, all my work was completed I passed the first year and was on course to complete the whole qualification... what did I do? I quit 3 months from the end... foolish? perhaps although as I sit here thinking about it I cant say I regret my decision. Deep down I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. After leaving Id always hoped Id find that 'one thing' in my life that I could pour my everything into, unfortunately that search was always blighted by a lack of self confidence, anxiety and a few bouts of depression.

Where do these issues stem from? By all means my life has not been a bad one, I've always had a roof over my head a warm bed to sleep in and food in my belly (and for this I'm very grateful). Without using it as an excuse I also come from a broken home and have had more than a few issues with my father. I dealt with it, I made the decision to see my local counsellor and after a years worth of sessions I walked out that door a stronger person and closed the book on those issues.

Between the ages of 18-24 I used to worry alot. Anxiety has always been a big part of me, people used to say that my middle name was 'Worry'. This was escalated by the witnessing of my then housemate, and best friend in a horrific car accident. At 18, and sustaining the injuries he did he is very lucky to be here now. I call him ‘the machine’ because he's a tough bastard and an inspiration and I'm so proud of everything he's achieved since the accident. Its in those moments and the years that follow that you reflect and you realise who and what is most important.

Those years of my life were not all negative. There was lots of positives, I passed my driving test (got myself a little motor), my first niece arrived, and there where many weekend nights spent at my local rock and metal club 'The Waterfront'. The floor was sticky, the ceilings would drip with perspiration and the toilets were proper grim but that place (as weird as it sounds) was home! It was my kind of music and my kind of people. From nights spent there with the gang I have nothing but fond memories, and with beers priced at £1.50 you really couldn't go wrong... well you could, because if you didn't drink your can (that's right... a can) quick enough you'd have warm beer!

So Id get up everyday I went to work and at one point rented my own apartment... you could say I had the lot, the car, the pad and money in the bank but I couldn't shake the strong desire to better myself to become a more confident outgoing person but what was it that I really wanted to do...cue lightbulb moment...

It was January 2014 it was cold and everything I hate about winter! (I'm a 28 degrees plus and blazing sunshine boy) as I mentioned before I was having one of my' Rough Weeks' a friend had given me his copy of 'Early Years The Best Of Led Zeppelin' and in anticipation of his 'What did you think'? enquiry I knew it was time to dive in. I had those useless electric heaters in my apartment... you know the ones... night storage heating, where the heat would be released gradually throughout the day? great idea! except I think mine were from the 50′s so all heat would be lost buy at least 5pm! Not ideal in the dark of winter.

So I would use this little halogen heater, that I would bring up close when I was sitting on my desktop (yep I still had a desktop in 2014) this particular night I was drinking my poison... rum on the rocks. Led Zeppelin was blasting from the speakers, now this best of Zeppelin had some classic bangers 'Whole Lotta Love' 'Communication Breakdown' 'Rock And Roll' and 'Black Dog' and then began track 8... 'Since I've Been Loving You'.

I cant really describe that moment, from the opening chords of Jimmy Pages guitar, John Bonham's drums and then of course Robert Plants wailing vocals... as cliché as it sounds there in those 7 minutes 23 seconds I was lost... I just listened... something about that piece of music got me, spoke to me and still does today (its on now as I write this) and that's when it hit me ... what couldn't I live without? what did I immerse myself in everyday? where did I go when I wanted to escape? ... cue lightbulb... MUSIC....

There with my rum, halogen heater and wearing the worlds most unflattering woolly hoodie and Adidas tracksuit bottoms (which I think were passed down from my brother, I must have stopped growing when I was 17) it all made sense... MUSIC...

Id attended numerous gigs and festivals prior to the lightbulb moment, I have some special memories from Download Festival 2009 and 2010. I met the top hat himself 'Slash', from Guns and Roses back in 2012. Slash, Myles and The Conspirators at Brixton Academy 'Apocalyptic Love Tour'. He was a true hero, me and my brother had queued in line for about an hour backstage after the show, when he came out he stood there and signed something and chatted to every single fan that had queued. My guitar plate that I had removed the prior evening 'just in case' and he signed is one of my most prized possessions. For those interested he asked 'If Id enjoyed the show?' I think my response was meant to be something resembling a sentence but I'm sure I only managed a series of noises and squeaks.

Even though this was a significant lead up to the lightbulb moment even now I look back and think why did it then take me another 2 years to decide to go for the music thing? Ever since I was a kid Id always found peace and an escape in music, I used to buy cassettes when I was a kid. Growing up with two older brothers meant I was exposed to so much music as a youngster. Id lived through the era of Britpop and grown up with both older brothers taking opposite ends of the spectrum (one was a Oasis fan the other was Blur). ‘Dave Pierces Dance Anthems’ on Radio One on a Sunday Night must also get a mention It didn't get any better than that!

2011 onwards Id always (even though I wouldn't call them that at the time) been writing lyrics, in my counselling sessions I was encouraged to find an outlet for my frustration and anger I was tied of it being drink so I started channelling my emotions and feelings on paper, this wasn't of course my only inspiration for my lyrics the usual... love lost... lust etc. I could still tell you where I was when I wrote my first ever lyrics, what the weather was like etc... funny that I'm a very sentimental person and something like that I never want to forget.

I must also mention that without my good friend... lets call him 'D' I don't think I would have taken those lyrics any further he saw something in them. I remember I let him read 'the book' one day and he really wanted me to consider creating melodies, and turning them into songs along with him. So we tried it and we did really well for what you would call 'bedroom musicians' those where some good times in my apartment sitting there sometimes till 3AM drinking ale, coming up with melodies and me constantly looping lyrics trying to fit to his guitar parts... I'm forever grateful to D and his encouragement and belief In me... more about D and our little project later.

So most of 2011 2012 and 2013 I wrote nearly everyday, I've gotten a memory stick, books and scraps of paper etc. all containing my lyrics. Still I never took that step forward I always believed I wasn't good enough ... remember issues! But then the lightbulb moment happened and it all made sense ... music is what I had a passion for! writing is what I believed I was good at and what I enjoyed doing. From there I knew what I wanted to do or at least be able to say I was involved in.

K.