#abt it and making fun of me behind my back
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head in hands. accidentally looked at old instagram posts 8 injured 400 killed
#ughgghhhghhh sad tags abt . things incoming.#takjng up spaaaace#idkkkk#ive made. mistakes#anyway i think that was enough#uhh. found an old video where we. like. did the whole. nod and glance at each other and say something at the same time#like. its so fuckjng hard to believe i used to Have That with someone#i used to have someone i could just. do that with. tell everything to. match fingernails with.#lay with on the couch w my head in her lap while we were watching movies and have her play w my hair.#wear my stupid wendy courderoy hat around constantly and not feel weird abt it.#like. that used to be. real#well. not real#bc it was never fucking real i just. thought it was.#and the whole time i was. comfy being weird around her. she was. absorbing all of that and telling everyone#abt it and making fun of me behind my back#and its so fucking hard that. i used to think that was real.i was so happy. and the Whole TIME i wasgetting played like a goddamn fool#amd im probably. never gonna have that again because she fucked me up so bad#fuck dude#its like#i want to go back. i want to be in love w her again. i want to be her friend again.#even though i . was in fucking pain the whole time and didnt even know it. i miss her . and its absolute fucking garbage and i hate it#fuuuck.#i miss her but i hate her guts but she used to be my whole world but she ruined my fucking life but i miss her#i still remember the way her house smelled. i still remember the way her.#living room floor felt. the texture of it. craning our necks up all awkward to look at the tv.#the way her microwave sounded. the cabinet where they kept the cups in the kitchen. the creak of the basement steps.#the one loose floorboard in her bedroom that we had to hop over in the middle of the night so we didnt wake up her sister#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbb#im fine. im normal abt this. i fucking miss her so much and i hat e it
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HOW DO YA LIKE THAT DARK DOG??
BEEN REAL ENAMORED BY THE 'SORRY' BOYS AND THEIR ODD ESCAPADES LATELY. I THINK THEY COULD DO A LOT OF GOOD THINGS WITH THREE GALLONS OF 'FAKE' BLOOD.
#sorry boys#sorry fanart#cw gore#cw body horror#DEAR GGODODDD I HOPE I TAGGED SORRY THE RIGHT WAY#PLEASE SORRY FANS IM HHEERE IM HERE AND IM CRAAZYYY GODDD PLEASE FIND MEEE FIND MEEEEEEEEE#GONNA BE HONEST IVE BEEN FLOPPIN BACK N FORTH ON THIS REAAAALL HARD LIKE. IM NOT SURE IF I LIKE IT#BUT EVERYONE WHO SEES IT SAYS ITS COOL! SO IMM GONNA TRUST IN THE WORD OF MY FRIENDS!!!!! THANK YOU FRIENDS!!!!#i tried to fit in as many things in the video as i could into his vile chest cavity. im rly proud of how jumbled n messy n fun it looks!#SOME THINGS TO NOTE! i painted over the bg of a specific shot from the video. painted over a portion of that LIGHT FIXTURE#BUT I Had to improvise the rest and im PRROUD LOOK AT THAT!!! WITH A MOUSE TOO BTW#DREW THIS WHOLE THING WITH A MOUSE. took some time but i think im gettin the hang of it#ANOTHER DETAIL: ranboos lil wires behind his mask. teeehehhehee i rly liked gen loss#i like this weird combo i do of cartoony and photo realistic. not sure where my balance is yet with that but im havin fun!!#ughghgh what else can i say abt this piece... other than it kicked my aASSSSSSS!!!#adding highlights in blood is always SSUCH A FIGHT for me guhhh it takes so much wrestling to make it look right....#ggbbhhbbgbh thats all thats in my brain for now. enjoy my art and enjoy my notes about my own art. enjoy ur day aswell if u can
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*squints and holds f!chentega to the light* ... i could make you messier.
#good morning tumblr . today you are going to read yet another post about me being unhinged abt genderbent fhr.#i mostly think about f!chentega in the context of the genderbent au (where the genderbent versions meet up with eachother)#which is fun#but also a version of fhr with julia and f!chen can be so personal and so tasty#i am pacing around my room hands behind my back thinking about those two#i had a whole paragraphs worth of tags abt what i think their relationship would be like in the version but honestly i think itd be easier-#-to just write something for it#will i actually???? who knows but i have four hours worth of flight to try#pulp speaks#im making a tag for this fuck it#genderbent fhr au
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obsessed with liah and alek's dynamic btw......
#oc: liah#thinking abt them on this fine monday evening. also im back home from hospital again yay#anyway revan & alek/malak's relationship... it's something i need to study under a microscope#to me liah and alek r like theeee toxic worsties... always trying to one up each other... but also idk like#they make a perfect team they know each other so well. they hate each other they dont trust each other at all#no one understands them the way they understand each other!!!!#like they used to be actually genuinely good & supportive friends right?????? but there was always a teeny bit of rivalry#they were both so ambitious. and proud. and then the uhhh mandalorian wars began and so did their descent to the dark side...#and at first it's like... they're still besties... but gradually their relationship becomes a power struggle...#like the tension that always was there but only surfaced as playful banter or during sparring becomes full-blown hatred. and its nastyyy#and like on the surface they keep things professional and cooperative. however all the warmth of their friendship is gone#and beneath the surface they're like playing 5D chess#malak plotting his betrayal... liah trying to stay one step ahead and ensure that malak stays as number two...#and like??? maybe alek always knew he was second to liah... but back then he was ok with it...#but then the dark side took this feeling of inferiority and turned it into spiteful jealousy...#and maybe liah always knew she was the stronger jedi... and the dark side fed her pride and she grew obsessed with keeping it this way...#i still havent finished kotor btw. so this is all based on the vibes i've gathered so far... with my own embellishments.. etc#also the other day i learned that alek/malak is canonically 2 meters tall#and i lowkey wanna make liah shorter. to make the difference bigger#short queen and her tall sidekick (reluctant)... a fun juxtaposition...#but also i like 178 cm liah. hm#maybe if i make her like 173. still tallish but also noticeably shorter than the 2 meter guy standing menacingly behind her#anyway i need to listen to absolution again. u dont understand. it's The revan/malak/kotor album!!!!#i associate it with revan and kotor so strongly i can't think abt them without one of the songs starting to play in my head!!!!
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Soon im rly gonna do it
#🕸️#sui mention#< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are#like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however#every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day#it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a#wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach#into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i#cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening#almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not#only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is#to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being#or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in#coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe#its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont#hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am#im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf#its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will#i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to#do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks#thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me
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BF figure sitting perched on the collar of my shirt but he still fucking Stank goddamn
#ramblings#my brothers dont react to how he smells like At All i wonder if i just have a weird sensitivity to the way this plastic smells#ive also smelled it off of the fucking. plastic container of these breadstick + cheese dip snacks we get but its less pungent there#so even if me disliking htis smell is some weird me-thing. hes not beating the sticky fuckin man allegations !#this is either a me thing or this is a lingering effect of covid fucking up my smell wherein i cant stand the smell of plastic#<- fun fact for months after i first got it i couldnt fucking stand the smell of cooking meat. like it seriously made me feel ill#im glad that that seemed to go away cuz fuck. jesus christ that was awful#anwyays. tangent aside. i might have to take him out bc the way the brim of his had presses against my chest is making me feel itchy#i want him where i have him for a reason but YEOUCH. might see if i can get something to go behind his back so it isnt just the#brim of his hat pressing uncomfortably against me. one of the more normal things ive rambled abt on this blog
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Challenge: Write three short but personalised holiday card messages to grandparents, aunt&uncle&cousins, and mum and her boyfriend-but-not (it's a mess.)
Level: IMPOSSIBLE
#text post#girl help#they'll be pissy abt the cards no matter what or will at least talk abt them behind my back#like they usually admit to doing lmao#im trying to spruce them up to cover blank space in the card. putting two cute little sea creature/sea themed stickers#on the bits not covered by writing#going to outline those in green and red if i can find some markers for it#considering taping a piece of sea glass in the card to with some green and red washi tape#(if fiance doesn't mind letting me use some of aer tape; i have a plan for regular tape and markers im already testing out too fdalkfjda#this is so stupid. im too stoned for this. it's just holiday cards#why do they insist on making fun of almost every gift or card they get from everyone#never understood why this is fun for them and i dread their reactions every year#bc even if they're hidden to start they wind up telling u abt it at randm#too your face!!! my family hates confrontation unless it is particularly shit stirring and useless#bah
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you know after growing up w rammstein and it being my main fixation for several years in HS and pretty briefly being in the “fandom” (here actually bc twt wasnt rly a popular site for fandom stuff yet, i rly only remember tumblr and deviantart for that) it makes me rly glad i wasnt into ghost back then lmao
#putting aside everything thats happened surrounding rammstein and till in the past few years#like ppl are obnoxious and rude and say stupid shit to/ abt tobe and the ghouls#but that tends to be a v small fraction and ppl defend them#but this was early early 2010s tumblr before it was known for discussions of minorities and political correctness and whatever#ppl just said ANYTHING and others went along with it#and a lot of it was horrific fatphobia and misogyny brought over from the 2000s since most of the prominent ppl in the fandom here back then#were adults#i specifically seeing so much shit abt richard in particular#ppl acting disgusted w his body bc hed put on weight and had a belly/ bigger arms by the lifad era and was shirtless onstage a lot#which was always crazy given he stands next to till who has ALWAYS been a bigger guy yet indisputably been the most widely adored by fans#and oh my god the way ppl would talk abt their wives/ girlfriends.#even then as a teen inwas SHOCKED by some of that shit lmao#i vividly remember somebody making fun of one of richards exes#i think abt alleged unfaithfulness while touring which i dont know if there was ever any truth behind#i vividly remember somebody saying ‘if inwas married to him id send him on tour with a box of condoms bc its inevitable’#LIKE GIRL WHAT#ppl complained so much and still do abt tumblr being so PC#but this was an absolutely LAWLESS place before then let me tell you#those examples are still on the tamer side for sure#kids today will never know how common it used to be to say you wanted somebody you were attracted to to rape you.#like rape THEM like not ‘i wanna fuck him’ it was ‘i want him to rape me’#ABOUT REAL PEOPLE#it was insane
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also i got lots and lots of compliments on my outfit today and they were able to fix my necklace! i only wanted the big knot out but they fixed the other ones for me too and even cleaned it and for some reason they didn’t even charge me !! and i got my book ! yayyy
#successful day 😎👍🏻#also the part for my car arrived..now i just have 2 wait on my f*ther to replace it for me..#anyways#i didn’t even wanna get up out of bed today but i had to cause i had therapy and u know what#i ended up having a pretty good day -w-#i didn’t get to talk 2 the cute barista at starbucks but..whatever#but! i did end up dressing up a little and i felt so cute today and got lots of compliments which was nice#and i got all my shopping done and had fun..#im still surprised they fixed and cleaned my necklace and didn’t charge me..#i asked abt it and the guy said not to worry abt it and to just come back again sometime *wink*#and i said okay :D and left and then tripped on the curb outside when i was leaving#i’m not exactly in the market for fine jewelry and hopefully my necklace won’t implode on itself again at least for a while so..i probably#will not be going back anytime soon#i did kinda wanna ask if i could have like my ring size measured but i was too shy to ask#the guy behind the counter was kinda cute and very nice and i didn’t wanna bug him so i just sat and waited for my necklace ;-;#i don’t even wear rings im just curious#uhmm. what else. i got some ingredients to make cookies tonight :3#it was nice to have a good day for once -w- i just hope this isn’t a bad omen that things are about to get super fucked#im not trying to be negative!! but it is a genuine pattern in my life that whenever i have a good day or things go well for a bit#that means something disastrous is looming around the corner#i guess we’ll see :’)#snow.txt
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saw a trans person at work 2day health restored by 10000000 million XP
#coworker said she was totally flirting w/ me but i literally didn't realize..+ i can't flirt at all unfortunately so. maybe good i didn't#notice. she & her friend seemed really cool and fun though i wanted 2 be their friend so bad actually...#wish one or both of them worked where i work because it's so much easier to talk to ppl when you're in the same work environment. to me.#the girl i work with now (only one my age) is super nice but some of the things that come out of her mouth....she made some off remarks abt#megan thee stallion & said old music is much better than the music now bc women didn't show sm skin back then so already i was like 🤔🤨❓#AND THEN SHE SAID SHE MISSED QUEEN ELIZABETH BC SHE WAS QUOTE BADASS UNQUOTE.....LIKE. GIRL.#excuse me if i don't find colonizers and racists to be the definition of badass..but anyway so. we can't be friends bc she's literally like#the whitest White Girl ever + is constantly talking shit abt ppl behind their backs to then turn around and be nice to those same ppl she#just talked shit about when she's in direct conversation with them. like sorry but that makes me immediately think you're talking shit abt#ME behind my back also to other ppl like that's so two-faced stop it#anyway. TRANS PEOPLE I LOVE U SO MUCH FOREVER UND EVER UND EVER UND EVER UND EVER UND EVER UND EVER UND EVER UND EVER MWAHHHHHH ❤❤❤❗❗
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^ had to look at their old classmates' and childhood friends' graduation pics and celebrations and whatnot
#its FINE im fine who cares if im a little behind its not my fault i had to transfer and repeat a year bc of it#its not a race!!!!!! nobody probably remembers or particularly cares abt you anyways take ur time#man.#i only really go on insta like once or twice a month or whenever i just went to a con or smth and yet#these past six months have been awful for my self esteem (like its ever been much better rly lmao) all of them getting into good colleges#having fun and actually having friends . couldnt be me!!!!!#feel like my childhood friends ive been together with since kindergarten are so far away now too#yeah its none of our faults i had to move away in elementary at least we kept in touch. its none of our faults the pandemic happened once i#got back in the country. its none of our faults when the one time we couldve possibly met up they were suddenly busy and couldnt make it and#now i wont have a chance to see them until like december at the soonest and even that chance is slim#if i go to college abroad ill be able to see them even less too.. well no use thinking abt it now#i should go season my shrimp and heat the rice back up hrm#duck rants about something
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my problem is i cant physically talk abt my interests bc years of being picked on by my family for my weird interests plus the years of Literal Bullying have made it so my brain goes NO ONE CAN KNOW YOU LIKE ANYTHING THAT ISNT WITHIN STRICT SOCIETAL NORMS so i have to relegate my insanity to written posts. but also nothing i write could capture the thoughts in my brain to the fullness and intensity of which i think them and i Know it would come out more if i simply. spoke them. but i cant </3
#ignorance cloud on#plus just again bc of the bullying and constant ridicule i feel like if i talk abt something too passionately#or if it doesnt make sense people are just going to call me dumb or make fun of me behind my back#so i can rlly only share thoughts one on one where i at least have control over who is seeing what im saying#which is also why i barely talk abt the projects im working on as i work on them#living in my head is sooooo fun no rlly its great up here
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Lmao I love how today I discovered the issue of people making fun of me behind my back is actually extra serious and happens every day at school, but I got some assorted type of swag that DOESN’T FILTER people talking abt me so I just get to vibe and be me :3c
#IsaSpeaks#I haven’t cared about people making fun of me or talking abt me behind my back for a long long time#I always knew it happened#I’m a weird little creature :p#I notice when people don’t like my presence too - that makes me think myself as I’m some type of burden#annoying too like I’m not a good company#but I ignore those feelings too#also this is since young#normal behavior ig#EDIT: I’m also a very forgiving person#I don’t hold grudges against anyone#I’ve never been able to
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my boss today: what was the best part of your pittsburgh trip?
me, trying to keep The Hockey Thing under wraps so i don’t come off as a freak: uhhhhhhh
#tbd#forever worried that i will either be 1. outed or 2. movked for my hobbies lmao#already regret telling my other coworker abt it bc im p sure she makes fun of me behind my back#its fine im fine 🙃
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#.txt#mmm . .. itd kill the world to be kind to me#my work gets fucked up for another class and then .. these kids were laughing abt me behind me in apcsp#they do it a lot though so.#its so stupid theyre seniors they should be more mature than picking on freshmen . making fun of my laugh and stuff like that#and me talking to the teacher a lot for help or just because .#then she was gone for a bit and i went to the restroom and when i came back my chair was gone#they put it in the back and nobody cared and it was annoying to get it back bc of the desk arrangement but#they just kept laughing over it and at me annd .#god. i dont even know their names i dont know why they dont like me. i dont know#amia.txt
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ive alwyas believed concerts / festivals are energy harvesting rituals. (good AND bad depending on the artist) but . good things??? that didnt feel entirely Good .
#i mean some sets werent Awful w that. some of tjem felt Neutral like a 'lets exchange energy'#but there was twp sets i attended n . it felt sp Negative and Bad like the artists (i think#or it cpuldve been tbe crowd) was just 'im going yo Drain this Crowd for my ow personal usage“ n it Sucked.#sws esp. that felt particularily Awful. n idk why :(#but it was fun. i just have two ppls Nwgative energy swirling aroubd my orbit. bc i actively went to heal two kids.#a girl in a panic n a boy freaking out / having hwalth issues.#and just man. that was a cool skill in itswlf. that i actively sought them out energetically and then just . went to help thwm#the poor girl i didnt even realise she was . Upset . like not to that degree.#so i just stood behind her w my hand on her back and Drained her negative feelings#i tried to replace it w something good / neutral. but . thats smth i still struggle with. is pushing my own energy intocppl Deliberately.#bc i didnt wanna make her worse . bc i waant feeling the best to begin with . but i Tried to just calm her down n lwt her know she was okay#n it helped i think. i could feel her slowly calming down and my legs started shaking which was my usual indicator ive picked up Mass#energy. n it had to be hers bc i was genuinely just focusing on her. it made me.sl fucming upset :(#n then the 15yr old boy#oh he was originally just a 'let me try n make u feel a lil bit better my dude' n then . it kinda became pbvious smth else was Wrong#and I Was needed to help him. n i did !!! he took his binder off (he passed as a 15yr old boy anyway. like there was nothing abt him that#was female. but the binder was causing health issues for him. so i did convince him to take it off for a few hours#he was sp fucking sweet n pure n i just . i wamma cry thinling abt how Pure he just Felt . like#damaged . he was def carrying some damage. but . i didnt care i just wanted to make sure he was okay right then#idk i jus had a feeling once he mentioned the vinder that That was an issue and he needed to take it off for a bit. im jus glad he listened#but yea. tjat entire festival was fucked. jus . Man .
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