#about the ppl around me. my anxiety just ia so much better

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[thorntonsthoughts]

I really want to share things about myself with Lacy. It just feels low stakes. I’ve always gravitated towards being around couples because my relationship to them is clearly established. I may be a third wheel, but it’s not a bad feeling at all to be one, as long as your not secretly in love with one of them.

It’s different with Lacy because she’s a girl. It makes me want to open up to her in a way I never could bring myself to do w/ Nick. It might also be that its just the two of us when we spend time together. Theres no power dynamic for me to be at the bottom of. As long as I’ve been part of groups of three I’ve always felt like the odd man out.

But I am concerned about 2 things: The first is that, as always, I’m just really selfish. That I just want to tell her about myself and I don’t really care about her. I try to ask her things and listen, but deep down I feel like I only care about myself.

The second thing is that it bothers me to think that I like her because I think I’m smarter (or at least more knowledgeable then her). I think ppl who are smarter than me make me feel inadequate. So much of my self worth ia wrapped up in being smart, even though i’m well aware how limited my intelligence really is. It makes me feel bad to think that I only like her because she’s not threatening to me. That makes me feel incredibly shallow. It just doesn’t feel like a relationship based on equality.

I guess its fair to ask if relationships based on equality are always the best ones. Teacher student relationships aren’t based on equality and they can be fulfilling. I guess it just puts a burden on me. If I need to feel better than her to enjoy being around her I need to work that much harder to not act as if I think I’m better than her.

The other thing is that I want to tell her the truth about my relationship problems, but it doesn’t feel quite appropriate. Not even mentioning the supreme anxiety I would feel about admitting my inadequacy, I don’t want to fall in love w/ her or for her to fall in love with me. All I know is I’ve developed crushes on every girl I’ve spent significant time around.

I don’t know what it means to have friends, but I really want to believe it’s possible for me.