#abelomizu

[im-not-joseph]

01-26-2023

Dear Joseph,

Even after losing over a hundred pounds, changing everything I do about my appearance, dressing up nicer, and wearing all sorts of colognes, why can’t I think I am anything but some disgusting monster?

At this point, I am just ready to cut all of my hair off and just go back to being "Mr. Uniform Standard". The only fucking person that seems to like all this shit that I do is a friend from the internet who is fucking god knows how far away at this point. The one person I grew out my fucking hair for doesn't find me attractive anyway, so what is the point in adding a half hour of shit to my daily routine when I can just shower, shave, and go to fucking work knowing I wouldn't be complimented for it either way.

I am sick and tired of fucking feeling unattractive, feeling like I am not good enough compared to my co-workers, and going to sleep feeling like I am fucking alone.

[sailorscoutsam]

I had another dream about you again. I see you everywhere i look. I can't seem to get you out of my head after all this time. I wish i could. I wish i could just move on. But you see it's not that simple, it never is. i miss you my hero. You were a part time lover, and a long term friend.

[im-not-joseph]

01-16-23

Dear Joseph,

I know that you are just another character that I created in my mind in 2014 as an effort to live out a fantasy life where everything just seemed to go right, but sometimes I feel like you are the only person that I can tell these things to. So I am going to do just that, in a place where nobody that I know will ever be able to follow along.

I lost my mentor on my birthday last year.

He had the same first name as you did, which only adds to the confusion in my mind. On the note of additions, to add to the pain, over the day of and three days to follow I only got to see the love of my life once for about 5 minutes after figuring out how absolutely fucked the send off to 2022 was going to be. To this day I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel about this and the circumstances leading up to it. I can only dread the next one when I know this pain will just come back in full force.

I don’t know what I am supposed to feel anymore, or if I am even allowed to feel anything. Everything seems to have spiraled out of control last year.

To start the year off, my career in tech decided to stagnate and then fall into a nose dive, so I made a conscious decision and moved 800 fucking miles across the country to accept a job closer to my significant other. We had talked about everything a pair of hopeless romantics would. I suppose that is another relationship that I just decided to fuck up by doing whatever I wanted to and going into a career that they simply couldn’t handle the schedule of. All cleverly disguised by a visual hatred for the profession as a whole.

I started off my dream career and made whole lot of close and trusted friends along the way, including a new love that I will surely talk about near constantly in these letters. I spend my days thinking of ways to advance my career, ways that I can positively impact this community and those around it, and opportunities that have opened up because of this life change. I feel more connected to people than I ever have, but it had the nasty side effect of opening up a couple of old wounds. Two people that I never wanted to see again live less than two hours from me and are painfully aware of my existence and location.

The year wasn’t all bad though. I found someone that I feel like I truly connect with, but at the same time feel like they could just as easily live their life without me in it. I am pretty sure that I am going to marry this woman and want nothing more than a life with her. I want nothing more than to wake up every morning to her beautiful blue eyes and find myself showing my true self and colors around her knowing the the joy that it brings me to hear her laugh at my quirks and the stupid shit that I say. I am also learning how impossible that I am to love because of this. I know that she doesn’t want kids, despite me wanting them. I know that she doesn’t feel any difference waking up beside me and after nearly a year has only been willing to sleep beside me a single time. I am positive in the absolute that she doesn’t find me sexually attractive at all and have come to terms with that, only realizing this morning that being called a “handsome and sexy man” by a friend of mine literally caused me to break down and cry on a phone call with them at 5 in the fucking morning because I have truly started to believe that I am some disgusting monster that nobody can find attractive anymore. The only thing that I used to want in life, sharing my last name with someone, is also something that she has no desire to do. I keep telling myself that I am okay with that, only to break down from stress and be reminded of it in the most painful fucking ways possible at least once a week now.

Joseph, I don’t know what will happen this year. I am sure there will be times when I laugh, there will be times when I cry, and there may even be my final moment before I die. But I will try and write you every couple of days to let you know.

[sailorscoutsam]

I miss missing you.

[sailorscoutsam]

6-21-13

I hope you're happy, darling. I hope you're doing better, darling. I hope all your dreams come true, darling. It's Been hard without you these last few weeks, darling. I can't get over you, I tried to hate you, I tried to make up lies in my head to stop thinking of you, darling. Nothing's working and I just want to die, darling. Time is passing by without you, and the weaker I get, the more I wish I never left your side, darling. I'm not sure what I did to make you stop loving me, but if you're better off, then so be it, darling. Our paths will cross again, we will intertwine once more, for who knows, darling. Maybe we weren't meant to be, but that doesn't stop me from loving you, darling.

[sailorscoutsam]

It hurts to see you in pain again. You were so happy with me.. But you gave up. You said I was too good for you.. Yet you would scream from the rooftops that I was your perfect soulmate princess. You never lied about that. But you still left me in the dark. She's going to hurt you again and again. I'm not going to be here for you anymore. You lost that chance when you lost your mind. I love you, but I fear I'm not in love with you. I wish you wouldn't have gone crawling back to her worthless self. You said it yourself countless times that you would never leave me. That you would never go back. That she hurt you more than you could imagine, but you still went back, just like all the old times. You were my best friend, you were my world. You're nothing to me now, for you have shown that I am nothing to you. There is something wrong in your head that you shut everyone out and wouldn't let us help. You won't be happy without your princess, but your princess is happy without you. Goodbye my darling, I hope you rot in the fiery depths of hell for eternity.

[sailorscoutsam]

Abel. I will always love you, but if I really was perfect, if I really was your soul mate, then why get rid of it. Why stop caring all of a sudden.

[sailorscoutsam]

GRAH ALL I WANNA FUCKING DO IS PUNCH PEOPLE AND THINGS AND GO BOXING AND RUN FOREVER BUT I CAN’T. I FUCKING CAN’T.

ALL BECAUSE OF MY HEART BREAKING INTO A MILLION FUCKING PIECES OVER STUPID DRAMA I SHOULD NOT EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYMORE. I ALMOST DIED ON FRIDAY AND THE BEST YOU CAN SAY IS IM SORRY. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY HERO. WHAT HAPPENED TO I LOVE YOU. WHAT HAPPENED TO US.

[sailorscoutsam]

I feel really pretty <3 Especially in the bae's hoodie <3

[sailorscoutsam]

Reblog and Bold what appeals to you.

My Personality:

I’m loud.

I’m Obnoxious. 

I’m sarcastic. 

I’m cocky.

I cry easily.

I have a bad temper.

I’m easy to get along with.

I have more enemies than friends.

I’ve smoked.

I’ve smoked weed.

I drink coffee.

I clean my room daily.

My Appearance:

I wear a piece of jewelry at all times.

I wear makeup.

I wear contacts.

I wear glasses. 

I have braces

I change my hair colour often

I straighten my hair often

I have a piercing

I have small feet

My Relationships:

I’m in a relationship now.

I’m single.

I’m always scared of being hurt.

An ex has physically abused me at least once.

I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

I’ve been in love more than two times.

I believe in love at first sight.

I believe lust is more important than love.

My Friendships:

I have a best friend. 

I have at least ten friends.

I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.

I’ve beaten up a friend.

I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.

My Experiences:

I’ve been on a plane.

I’ve been on a train.

Someone close to me has passed away.

I’ve taken a taxi.

I’ve taken a city bus.

I’ve taken a school bus.

I’ve gone bungee jumping.

I’ve made a speech.

I’ve been in some sort of club.

I’ve won an award.

I’ve spent 24 Hours on the computer straight.

I’ve been in a physical fight.

Music:

I listen to R&B.

I listen to country.

I listen to pop.

I listen to techno.

I listen to rock.

I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.

I hate the radio.

I download music.

I buy CD’s.

Television:

I spend at least six hours a day watching television.

I watch soap operas daily.

I’m in love with Days of Our Lives.

I’ve seen and liked the O.C.

I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.

I’ve seen and like Americas Next Top Model.

I’ve seen and like Popular.

I’ve seen and like 24.

I’ve seen and liked CSI.

I’ve seen and like Law & Order: SVU.

Family Life:

I get along with both of my parents.

My biological parents are still together.

I have at least one brother.

I have at least one sister.

I have at least one step brother/sister.

I have at least one half brother/sister.

I’ve been kicked out of the house.

I’ve ran away from my home.

I’ve sworn at my parents.

I’ve made my parents cry.

I’ve lied to my parents.

I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.

I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.

I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.

I’ve walked out when I’ve been grounded.

Hair:

I’ve been brown. 

I’ve had streaks.

I’ve cut my hair in the past year.

I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.

I’ve been blonde. 

I’ve had black.

I’ve been red.

I’ve been light brown.

I’ve been blue/green.

I’ve gotten my hair thinned. 

I use conditioner.

I’ve used silk therapy.

I’ve used hot oil treatments.

I’ve curled my hair.

I’ve straightened my hair.

I’ve ironed my hair.

I’ve braided my hair.

School:

I’ve yelled at a teacher.

I’ve been suspended.

I’ve had an in-school suspension.

I’ve been sent to the principals office.

I’ve walked out of class.

I’ve skipped an entire day of school.

I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.

I’ve failed a test.

I’ve cheated on a test.

I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test.

I’ve failed Art.

I’ve failed P.E.

I’ve failed math.

I’ve failed another class

A teacher has called my parents. 

[sailorscoutsam]

That feeling.

You know that feeling you get when you see the person you give your affection, the person you call your best friend, your significant other, your love? The butterflies Bombs, you get inside your body? That feeling of "oh my god they're the most amazing human being..." When your heart skips a beat but then frantically speeds up at the speed of light? When you feel like you're floating on cloud 9 never wanting to go back down? When they''re all you think about, they consume your thoughts with only positive energy and your aurora just glows with the intense love feeling you have?

I'm such a hopeless romantic, when I fall, I fall hard. I don't just develop a crush and get over it. I've only truly fallen for one person in my life. Someone who i can now call my best friend, my hero, my lover, my everything. He is the one who I will never forget, the one who will stay in my heart forever more. I'd like to think that we are going to be together forever, but no one can be sure of that. I can always imaging us growing old and being the huge dorks we have always been. One of these days I'll be looking back to the day we met a few years ago and I will just laugh at how much I thought I loved him, and how much I do love him now, My future seems bright when he is around, my days seem less stressful, more enjoyable. Since day one I've always felt this connection with him, and it's proving to be strong every single day. 

I don't think I could have asked for anything more perfect than him, than us. We always joke about me walking down that aisle with a flowing white gown on, rings on our fingers, and waking up next to each other every morning knowing that the person we call our significant other cares as much as we do for the other. No matter what life throws at us, what society says, or what we think, I know that I'm happy, I can be strong, I will be strong. For him.

Three cheers for us, for him, for me. We've come so far, and we only have our futures to look forward to. Here's to the love we've created between two. Here's to you Abel, I love you so much. Happy anniversary darling.