#abbhorent paradox

[necrospellbinder]

Abhorrently Divine Paradox

[thecirculararchive]

Radical Inclusiveness Can Be Harmful To Yourself

I don’t even want to talk about how radical inclusiveness harms others - the paradox of tolerance has been discussed. I want to talk a little about my experiences being radically inclusive and what I’m only just now starting to work through now that I have therapy and a new community.

Radical inclusiveness is not welcoming.

This seems counter intuitive, I know, but it’s true. Being radically inclusive inherently means you’re going to exclude others. And getting into those radically inclusive spaces may seem easy at first - just say you support everyone!! - but then you need to stay that way, and support everyone (so long as they’re the everyone that everyone agrees with.)

When I first joined the radically inclusive pro-endo community, I often agreed with anti-endos as well. An anti-endo would say something like “fuck terfs.” Uh. Duh? I would reblog it. And .5 seconds later, I would get an ask asking if I was anti-endo, or informing me that that person was anti-endo. I could never simply agree with someone. (Note; this is also a problem in the anti-endo community, and I’m not trying to say it isn’t. But this problem was VERY big when I was pro-endo, and how as an anti-endo, I haven’t gotten a single message about reblogging from pro-endo blogs). The community welcomed “me” - but only the “me” that was ONLY pro-endo.

Radical inclusiveness is lonely.

You’d think that a community centered on accepting everyone would be more positive. But every second of every day, it was just more exclusionary practices. It was pushing every single person away from you that didn’t share the radical inclusive motto. I was a genuine traumagenic system in endogenic spaces, praying to find someone like me who was also struggling. But there was this narrative that Endogenics biggest struggle was Being Oppressed by Sysmeds, and while I absolutely agree that the behavior I saw from anti-endos while I was radically inclusive was abbhorant… I also was so alone. I was struggling to even keep afloat. I was suicidal, depressed, and half of the time convinced I was losing my mind. And I tried to never show that - because struggling wasn’t part of the Positivity of Radical Inclusiveness. It’s not Good to be seen Struggling because Radical Inclusiveness is Good. ):

Radical Inclusiveness causes you to agree with things you never would’ve agreed with.

I have never agreed with system hopping or system resets. The sound of them is scary, and even when I was pro-endo, I sort of thought they were bullshit bit sounded just like the sort of bullshit That Bitch (my derogatory name for one of my abusers) would’ve said to me during her manipulation of our system. But back when I was pro-endo, I absolutely agreed with it - because not agreeing with it felt like I was going to lose my support system. If I didn’t agree with the majority of Rad Inclus., then I was going to be even more lonely, even more isolated. And that’s why I even started to do the next part.

Radical inclusiveness makes you disagree with things you agree with, or worse, makes you deny your own experiences.

I remember an anti-endo and myself discussing trauma, and how you need trauma before the age of 9 to be a system. And I said, direct quote here, “I need a better answer to make this hatred believable and viable.” Note: this anti-endo was kind, considerate, and answered my genuine questions, despite me being a bit of an aggressive pro-endo. They didn’t antagonize me. They just let it drop. And there I was, ignoring the one thing I love (sources) because… I was radicalized. I disagreed with valid sources and claims because… it was what I needed to do to remain unconditionally loved.

And my last point (at least for now - there’s so much more but it’s late and I’m tired, and this topic is draining):

Radical Inclusiveness Can (Re)Traumatize You.

You’ve seen me mention unconditional love a few times on this blog (and even this post) by now. The reason I mention it is because that’s my main trauma. I grew up in an overbearing household, where love was conditional. I was in an abusive relationship, where love was conditional. And then, I came into radically inclusive spaces… where love is conditional.

I was supported - but only when I agreed. Only when I followed what others wanted me to say. And that’s why I did it. My trauma led to me craving that feeling of safety, and welcoming, and love. It’s part of why I seek validation so much from friends. If someone dislikes me - hates me even - then I’m doing something wrong, and need to change everything about myself to fix it. And that’s what I did, day after day, when I was involved in pro-endo syscourse.

Today, I spoke with my therapist about Endogenics. This was after an anti-endo Re triggered all these emotions I had, and after I had a few flashback moments to trauma I had gotten during my radically inclusive phase. And I had a bit of an epiphany.

I am traumatized by the conditional love of radical inclusion.

I have been sent so much hate Mail. I check my inbox in the morning to see not if I have hate mail, but how much. I have been called a sysmed more times than I can count by now. And… this blog is neutral. I’ve just been reblogging more anti-endo things because… anti-endos are actually showing me unconditional love. They’re showing me and telling me that the harassment I’ve faced, from both sides, wasn’t okay. They’re telling me my opinions are valid, despite my past. They’re telling me my opinions are valid, even when my opinions are not shared by the majority.

And that’s something I never got. Lately, pro-endos have shown me how they treat someone who used to be one of them. Someone who doesn’t fit a standard model of traumagenic-ness. I still don’t. But you have treated me like shit lately. And there are so many more NOT radically inclusive people that AREN’T treating me like shit.

This is a ramble by now. I just want to close with this; I have never been more glad to no longer be radically inclusive. I have people now. A support system (ha, puns.)

I am happier now than I ever was when pretending to be happy for pros.

[necrospellbinder]

Abhorrently Divine Paradox Extras

For those who aren’t interested, they’ll be under the Keep Reading section.

And the concept sketch!