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thebibliosphere · 2 years ago

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Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

#adhd #mental health #mental illness #trauma #imposter syndrome #sorry for the wall of eratic text #feeling jittery af #possibly hypomanic tbh #either way #aaaaaaaaah

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geluckgk · 4 months ago

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After 3 hours of vaulting together, Etho noticed something with Tubbo's base..

Transcript :

Etho : [interupting Tubbo] wait wait wait, this is giving me man cave vibes almost

Tubbo : Is it ?

Etho : You got the grass [Tubbo repeats the grass] and the planks on the sides. Oh my godness

Tubbo : Dude. You, you've inspired the base.

Etho : I'm at home here

[Tubbo laughs]

(Chat started spamming the CAUGHT emote)

#ethoslab #Tubbo #vault hunters #vhsmp #the smile tubbo has aaaaaaaaah #geluck's post

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the-storyteller78 · 3 months ago

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Headcanon:

Telemachus used to have long hair. His mother always told him that long hair—and the ability to keep it without it getting cut off during battle—was the mark of a good warrior. She told him his father, the mighty Odysseus, the man of many devices, had long hair for much of his youth.

(What she doesn't tell him is that Odysseus went to war with shorn hair and red-rimmed eyes, because leaving his family behind was a cause for mourning far worse than a war lost.)

And so Telemachus, young and bright and quite without the father he so adored, grew out his hair. It got to be quite long indeed, and if his father had been there to witness it, he would have sung his dear son's praises, boasting of his honor and dignity and patience to anyone who would listen. But Odysseus was not there, and all Telemachus had of him were stories and desperate imitation. Still, there was comfort in even those, like his father might be watching over him in some odd way he couldn't sense. The thought gave him strength.

The more benign suitors dismissed the change. Let the boy have his hair, they said, chuckling with faint fondness. What is the harm? Even our little prince must become a man at some point.

But the other suitors, the ones who schemed with malice in their eyes as they watched Telemachus pass by them with a new confidence in the set of his shoulders, saw the danger in allowing this to continue.

The maids were on their side. It wasn't difficult for a few of them to find their way into Telemachus' room in the dead of night and cut his hair with quiet, nimble hands.

Telemachus knows it was suitors. The incident is never brought up again, and he never tells anyone the truth of the matter, not even Penelope. But he can no longer sleep as soundly as he once did, and he no longer tries to grow out his hair.

He isn't brave enough to try.

#tagamemnon #the odyssey #epic the musical #greek mythology #headcanon #telemachus #the suitors #penelope #odysseus #odysseus x penelope #odypen #guys i can't stop #this family is just so tragic #AAAAAAAAAH #this whole little thing came from a thought I had when I was deliberating over whether to draw telemachus with long or short hair lol

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cutepotatook · 1 year ago

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MAN...... Thanks?????